The narcissist's game of deflection

[@yukio_saito]

They project their inner drama and chaos onto you. 📽

[@jessmason2112]

No doubt. The manipulator narcissist has a bag of tricks.

[@CharlieRoseHunter]

…and into you

[@sunnyshariati]

@@jessmason2112I ok o😊😊nij

[@letmework6254]

Yep! They reveal what they’re thinking when they open their mouth and project their accusations onto you.

[@Ratgirl2]

Yes and it's like talking to a rock. Hopeless it is.

[@Ozy-te1rr]

Playing a private detective to prouve gaslighting is so exhausting I give up

[@k.s783]

The key is to act AS IF you believe every word they say. The average narcissist gets overly confident and also sloppy when they think you are easy to manipulate and trick. If you act as if you believe them while doing investigative work in the background you are likely to come across things. The key is to be patient even when you feel like confronting them on something right away. Don’t! ! Instead gather evidence until you have enough material. Narcissists will always lie if they can, so make sure it’s solid proof. The satisfying part of being strategic like this is that the narcissist will realize THEY were tricked while they arrogantly thought they were fooling you.

[@warriorwaiting316]

The sleepless nights due to no answer/ confessions.....

[@flashylittlesteps]

I used to project good intentions into narcissists. Not making that mistake again..

[@00M13-m9f]

I have noticed that too, empathic and good-natured people project their own goodness onto others, doing this to a narcissistic is a dangerous mistake. Projecting our own good nature onto people who are not-also-good-natured is a security risk. oh..., we learn the hard way, but it is better to learn sooner than later....

[@yesiltarla2320]

I love this statement: The projections of a narcissist are confessions! Absolutely 👍

[@jessmason2112]

Along with documentation and proof.

[@megbrown5677]

Absolutely ON POINT !! When you calmly redirect it back to them w/Facts or Documentation they go Crazy & have an outburst of rage & anger !!

[@lindacullison4217]

I slowly understood that what he was accusing me of he indeed was doing.

[@pat7381]

Of course

[@cdj1872]

But never accepting responsibility

[@LibraryBP2]

With the narcissist, this is reverse psychology. You think they need counseling and they eventually make YOU feel you need it! Brilliant!

[@hilaryfaithemerson5427]

He recently told me we'll be fine if I get into therapy and sort myself out 😮

[@reneehouston9865]

In all honesty... We, being the victims, ARE the ones who need the therapy... We DO need to get ourselves sorted out ... That's the only way we'll ever find the pathway out!!

[@LibraryBP2]

@@reneehouston9865 I agree. Initially, before being gaslighted and manipulated the victims may have had normal, peaceful lives. Once the narcissist comes into their lives, yes therapy is absolutely needed for the victim to cope with these challenges.

[@herohera9309]

When I finally told my family the abuse I've been subjected to my whole life, and asked them for their help in encouraging the abuser, another member of our family, to seek mental health support. They listened to everything I had to say and declined to help. As they heard more of my experiences and my earnest hope that they would stand with me, they suggested 😂 maybe I should consider getting some counselling if I am having such a hard time getting over the abusive behaviour. 😂 I told them, I have had years of and spent hundreds if not thousands of pounds in counselling, psychiatric assessment, multiple GP visits - I warmly encouraged them or my abuser to look into my situation and find even one more way in which I could actively seek counselling or support for my own mental health. Of course they have less than no interest in doing anything 😂 They only want the problem to stop being presented to them. And they know that my abuser lacks any human kindness, concern or ability to change, therefore the rational solution is to join her in suppressing and gaslighting me. Sad for all of them - but they deserve each other and the abject lack of care they have for each other.

[@herohera9309]

I finally told my family about the abuse I've survived over four decades and the impact that it has on my life, and I asked them to stand with me in encouraging the family member responsible to finally get mental health support. They heard everything I had to say and agreed that they knew the person responsible was and always had been off and unapproachable as well as erratic. Responsible for feuds and falling out. When I asked them to stand with me, they declined, which is disappointing but understandable. Then - then they suggested that if I'm having such a hard time just accepting the situation, maybe I should think about getting some counselling 😂 I told them that I've had years of counselling and spent a fortune on it. I added that if they were concerned for me, they were welcome to look into it and seek further support for me (if I'm the problem) but knowing that they'd find that I've already done every single thing that I can do to support and improve my mental and emotional health. Of course they won't do a single thing! In reality, they understand that I am malleable and reasonable and there's a chance of me adapting to a situation with someone who they know is rigid, incapacitated and entirely free from love and care. Of course it's easier to suppress me than to appeal to her. Telling my story in the hope that it helps someone else see the patterns and the reasons why. It isn't you, if you're doing the most that you can do. What are they doing? Apart from demanding that you change for them?

[@glove483]

You have Saved Me From a Lifetime of Pain. I honestly can not find the words to describe the impact you have had on my life Dr. Ramani. I have watch your videos over and over again... until I could absorb the meaning behind your words and fully process them. I have the chills watching your videos. It feels as though you are speaking Directly to me or you have some sort of psychic power to know exactly what I had gone through with an abusive narcissist that nearly destroyed me. You enabled me to articulate my thoughts, feelings and experiences at the hands of an abusive narcissist that I could not do otherwise. You really are Saving Lives. Thank you will never be enough !!

[@averyeich9726]

Growing up I always wished I could use telepathy. The solidarity of humans for my shame and tragedy having dealt with narcs my entire life has brought on some kookie romantic ideation of human faculties brought low by the rise of Trump. Evil wins when good does nothing. And everything is so much easier without the mind games. The manipulation and evil still seem subhuman to me. Almost makes me believe in archetypical demons and devils of human lapses of character and awareness. Strength and honor in your struggles.

[@letmework6254]

This! “ Evil wins when good does nothing”.

[@carolannstevens5814]

True!!! I agree!

[@beverlystover3987]

“I’m not yelling!” Which devolved into an argument about decibels. Omg.

[@LindaGreen-ox7es]

😅 OMG, the ish they bait us into arguing over!

[@Felix4art192]

Omg, yes, a million times. I'd say stop yelling at me and he'd say that's not yelling, you want me to yell!!!!

[@tmarie7303]

Mine would always say, Sounds to me like you're trying to start a fight, trying to get me to leave, trying to..... Whatever he was actually trying to do he would project onto me and accuse me of it 🤦🏻‍♀️🤣

[@seasonsstarsstudios]

This is what my father does.

[@RuthSelle]

Oh man.... My husband's favorite line is: I never did that, that's not what happened

[@theelfchannel]

Try giving him citrine. And put on a timer. You can thank me later❤

[@Felix4art192]

I got that all the time too, oh I was also a pathological liar but couldn't say what I was lying about!

[@shainanash8518]

that is what mine says

[@zm1885]

My experience as well!

[@dianabailey9757]

Its always opposite day . Accusing me of doing to him what he just did to me.Crazymaking at its finest. Cant fix that kind of thing. Its a walk away. Deal breaker from hell.

[@benitavanaswegen2630]

Luckily I realise the problem will always be with him.. I left 100%. Total M.I.A. and happily married today with someone else... Nobody has time for these 2 year old adults!

[@cyberninjasworld]

#heroine

[@sabrinamohammed9778]

Exactly!!!!

[@shainanash8518]

yay. Congrats.

[@michaelsvientek8420]

How did you leave?What plan did you have? I need one fast!! Thank you.

[@carolannstevens5814]

This is so encouraging!!! I have been married 35 years too long!

[@elipotter369]

My ex had a thing about accusing me of being angry. I was only impatient and fed up with how uneccessarily argumentative he was. I realise later he was deliberately antagonising me all the time - he was the hostile one, not me.

[@shainanash8518]

This narc partner "sport flub"

[@braingamesballsortgame718]

It is called narcissistic baiting

[@ClintBraun-w9v]

Me too but it’s my wife

[@elipotter369]

@user-ie3ld8dg3b I'm sorry to hear that you're stuck in a negative situation. Mine is "ex" because he turned against me at a certain point & was doing all he could to sabotage & hurt me & it just got worse and worse until I couldn't go on mentally in such an emotionally abusive situation, so I steeled myself and ended the marriage- which he also turned into long battle. And has never stopped trying to hurt me emotionally, even after he got remarried. To be away from abuse is so peaceful. I hope you have some healthy ways of helping and protecting yourself emotionally.

[@coolwater55]

Yup, similar.

[@RobinEdwards-cr2mj]

Saddest part of this situation is bc of how he treated me for years he lost the ONLY person who would have been there for him no matter what. I was always there for him but NEVER AGAIN!

[@Scribemo]

What I’ve learned: don’t point out any of their flaws, because those become forever talking points about YOU! They’re NPCs I tell ya.

[@shainanash8518]

so true

[@mattewkadaroesman4656]

Absolutely 100% true

[@rixinez]

Omg...yes! I thought this too...they are NPC's😮!

[@judimunro9279]

NPC! Woo, that’s interesting concept 😮 Hope that works for me when dealing with.

[@becajaz]

That's what my youngest adult son calls them! NPC's. He's right! This is truly bizarre.

[@stephaniesessoms9570]

This is about me. How dare you feel anything.

[@ChatMort69420]

You are so articulate and I really appreciate the thoroughness of your videos.

[@erockfreedom6399]

Wow, my whole childhood was toxic and characterized by gaslighting, projection, violence. I cant deny how devastating it is to realize that and how my adult relationships make tragic sense

[@rubberbiscuit99]

It's been so hard for me to accept these facts as well. But I am working on it.

[@jonosay854]

I began to learn, at 38 yrs old, my parent was not a good human (in my childhood and adulthood). Only realized it when I saw a real therapist and discovered I was in an Abusive 13 year Relationship (I had no clue...I thought it was "normal"). 💙💜

[@Brian-qg9bm]

Try taking a look at Eckhart Tolle. Maybe a little Allan Watts might help with some perspective. I know that, just like Dr. Ramani, those two have helped me get back on an even keel.

[@FabulousCucumber-ip9hu]

Tragic sense. That's just it.

[@ebonybutler1739]

23 min in - when I found out my partner was cheating I played a recording to him when I had enough of the lies - of him with her in our house, and while it was playing on the car radio, he lost his cool, told me I was crazy, and still denied an affair (despite the clear audio captured) and told me to go pack my bags and leave and said he’d call the police for abuse from me. I’m just realising now that this was a type of emotional abuse stemming from covert narcissism. Wow. The story got far more insane than this, and continues today.

[@ebonybutler1739]

It’s insane that even a year and a half after that particular event I am still so confused and even still question whether I am the narcissist and I guess, as you say here, he holds the power and therefore the reality. Even after the affair and leaving me, he still says it’s my fault and doesn’t think he has done any wrong. I am the one at fault, while I’m still here almost two years in and as lost as ever.

[@patriciafry8634]

Why on earth do you think you are in the wrong?? Try to be happy that you are no longer subjected to his abuse

[@spedteacher2773]

I m so sorry to hear of this. I, too, had a similar experience like this. The lies of getting caught cheating and projecting that I was the problem. And threatening to call the police on me.

[@amoonbeams]

It can be very dangerous to correct or confront a narcissist of wrong doing. Be careful people.

[@193_samridhikumar8]

It happened to me too 😢

[@thompsonlauren1004]

Ask them to do something for you. Something small. Something you would do for them with no hesitation. If they are narcissistic or otherwise toxic, it will ALWAYS go at least 1 of 4 ways (though sometimes these reactions may compound): They will act as though they didn’t hear you. Depending on how long you’ve been in the relationship, you may ask again. If it’s been long enough, you’re likely to drop the request right then and there. They will promise to do it, but never follow through. If you ask again or remind them, they will usually have some kind of excuse. In these cases, they will still never actually fulfill their promise. Their excuse is not a reason for lagging, it is the reason they should be absolved from all expectation whatsoever. Often this excuse will be meaningless or an outright lie.If you don’t buy their excuse, and tell them so, you will experience the wonderful segue into reaction. An argument will ensue The argument will be your fault. It could be a small back and forth contending against your request, or it might quickly devolve into them screaming at you. You never know which it will be. They might even say outright that you should never ask or expect anything from them. Usually they will express that you are asking too much, hurting them in some way (financially, emotionally, insulting them, etc), or attack your character. The argument will only end when you relinquish your request + apologize, or start ignoring them completely. If you can ignore them long enough, they may apologize to you. However, the conflict will never feel truly resolved. At this juncture they may actually end up giving you what you asked for. Often this does require you admitting that you don’t really need it, or that you would be fine with what they suggested instead. This leads us to reaction They give you what you asked for, BUT There is ALWAYS a catch. It might be small. They show up late with no apology. They buy you what you wanted, but it’s the wrong color, model, brand, etc. They take you where you wanted to go, but pressure you the whole time you’re getting ready because you’re going to be sooo late. Then they want to leave early anyway. It might be worse. They do it out of anger, and make a big display out of it to scare/hurt you. They hold it over your head until you do something for them first. Or, later on, they use it against you. “I did x for you, so you should do y for me.” No matter what, you never actually feel fulfilled, happy, or loved when they do something for you. Somehow, even from the getgo, there was this deep-seated feeling of guilt and fear, this sense that the “special” things they were doing for you weren’t so special at all. Eventually, you become afraid to ask for anything. You’ve been conditioned to believe you deserve nothing. Ironically, or not, the less demands you make, the worse you will be treated. Moreover, Catching a cheating spouse might be difficult, and knowing what local laws say you can and cannot do might be even more difficult. To simplify the process, consider hiring a private investigator to do the sleuthing for you I genuinely appreciate how incredible you are and your work! Thank you for a job well done [e-mail]

[@Creativefrogspawn]

Spot on!

[@dreadpiratekeane]

You just described my two year relationship down to a T. For years I struggled to explain to people how she treated me and couldn't help but kinda feel like I was crazy. You did such an amazing job laying it all out. Great comment.

[@Summer_Harvest]

The triangulated dynamic thrives in a family with poor communication. Sometimes I MARVEL at how little is expressed when an action is required!

[@N1S4444]

Agreed. The most bizarre thing I saw in my hubs family is how they will never sit down together and talk things out. They much more prefer the chaos, misinformation, and division.

[@nostromois]

There is usually more than one narcissist in those families and those who speak suffer terribly, are each single time gaslit and aggressed and have to deal with a gang.

[@shainanash8518]

The narc is lazy.

[@Summer_Harvest]

@@shainanash8518 That's because they are only feel goods, why would they do anything they had to put work into? Smoke and mirrors!

[@herohera9309]

I began to ask family members to explain what they meant, as if I didn't understand the veiled implications I wish I could say that it "worked" - it just left these cavernous silences But it might have worked for me - because it meant breaking free from the family pact to not question and not think outside their own system

[@nancymcduffee2570]

You can’t take a joke was his favorite!

[@caughtnwebb4819]

This is the one!!!

[@debneys7189]

His outright LIES 😢 My GOD. He alienated my son against me when I left him. Totally unforgivable

[@shainanash8518]

Same with this narcs. He so passive aggressive. He likes to sport f'uk.

[@kkiralina]

But when you take the same joke on them: "that was not a joke!"

[@nancymorris3286]

Or, you just don't get my sense of humor.

[@grege6521]

I got this answer to my point of view on subjects.. "NO NO NO. You are wrong, everyone i talk to agrees with me, so you are wrong and you dont know what you are talking about". My reply was " so now i am not even allowed my own opinions".

[@Cupcake44689]

No, with them you are not.

[@lindalarocco5311]

“Oh because your life is so bad” I got this daily !! And I never once said my life is so bad yet this is what the narc loved to twist my words to.

[@coolwater55]

Yup, " I just bought you French fries" on our trip home, how can you leave me?

[@Felix4art192]

Twisting words is a specialty!

[@karashea7823]

Or “I’m so bad! I treat you so badly!” Or “maybe I’M hurt!” Laughable

[@lauras3666]

“Your life is so horrible in” that mocking way.

[@lindalarocco5311]

@@lauras3666 yes! Sadly it worked and gave up expressing myself in general

[@Summer_Harvest]

Flying monkeys are very hurtful, it might be the lasting device to make healing improbable.

[@lynnebucher6537]

Narcs don't say "I think you are..." They state it in absolute terms of fact.

[@joannaRB]

Do not say “narc”. Please.

[@tarajo4836]

So true, it is always that ''they know", annoyingly

[@oreorivers]

Psychic readers. 🙄

[@kkiralina]

Good point to remember.

[@letmework6254]

The narc says “ you’re surmising or you surmised that when he’s found out.

[@erockfreedom6399]

I remember the smirk on my narcissistic father's face when he accused me of being angry, and I told him to stop gaslighting me. So it was projection which is even more telling. He was angry.

[@jackiep5009]

That Narc smirk is straight up demonic

[@freeyourmindbali9910]

Everything is there!! thank you very much! would love to hear that 25 years ago!!!

[@katkat521]

I find it so comforting to know that I was gaslighted by my mother and see that I ended up gaslighting myself. I realized this 20 years ago. I didn't know it was a thing. Thanks to Dr. R. I understand it all now. I now know why I made the mistakes I have made. It's not me.

[@JR-tu7id]

My ex-narcissist would tell me I should get an MRI, because my “behavior” was so “crazy” he was “concerned” I had a brain-tumor. That was toward the end of our 26yr marriage.

[@darrahzumba]

I told him "you hurt my feelings" he said "you hurt your own feelings"

[@ocpblo]

Omg… so many areas here hit home… spent 10 years in this hell… the good news is my eyes are now opened and I’m getting out! Thank you!!!

[@jonosay854]

Once you see, and learn, these things...it's truly eye-opening, awakening, and saddening. I can spot it, but i have difficulty in NOT bringing it to their attention (which either causes them to become angrier, or falls on completely deaf ears) 😔

[@peglynch9624]

Projection bothers us because it is a LIE. A lie is the Bally wick of the Evil One. It is the complete absence of Good or Love.

[@craftyhobbit7623]

In the past, I would have gotten into a long winded argument of why the projection was wrong, inaccurate, explain my position, and even defend myself until I came across narcissism. I think sometimes we know that the things that the narc is accusing you of is really what they themselves are doing/feeling, etc, but we feel like we need to react to it. These days when I suspect I am being projected at, I don't bother engaging as there's little point in trying to - if you do, you end up tying yourself up in knots over it and getting upset/angry and that's what the narc wants.

[@chiffre-nummer8475]

I will never forget how I was asked so often: Why are you so angry? I was always confused about it, because I felt so much mor, but angry was not the way I felt at all. Fighting followed so often ... So many other things ...

[@crabbypaddy5549]

I don't entertain their toxic personality anymore. I leave every narcissist behind as soon as I identify them. They do not belong in my life, and they certainly are not ever gonna be under my roof again. I am now 5 years since I gave up Narcissists and I feel so much healthier and calmer. That in it self is worth it. I have learned to identify their tell tell signs, and what drew the narcissist to me, so I changed my auto-responses to their quick friendly flirty approaches and do not give them an inch and I am always unapologetically straight forward in my opinions when dealing with them for the first time and the last time.

[@leilagomulka5690]

So spot on. It’s uncanny. Thank you .

[@devinjeffrey275]

Wow, this is so needed to be talked about! 🙏🏼

[@peacemakers6316]

Thank you so much Dr Ramani. I did not even realize I needed healing and my mother was a narcissist. I am happier than ever, thank you so much.

[@Sherirose1]

My manager accused me of being difficult to work with, sent an email later to apologise to the team when she showed her real face. Then i was targeted as her scapegoat, cries at the turn of a hat, and told a colleagues she knows she will get her way when she cries. Ive never seen someone with so many different faces. Thank goodness Im out of there.

[@SY-xq3ni]

When I first encountered projection, it hurt. I was baffled that he could see me that way. Once I realized that his projection was all about him, I did take it as an indication of his own behaviour/thinking. It's not me. Now, it still annoys me a little bit, but I just use it as a guide to avoid provoking his rage.

[@clappiton]

The triangulation... THAT PART... hit real hard

[@Jessica-ts7uj]

I havent heard most of that but I have heard, I couldnt tell you because you would make a big deal out of it. Or if I say something as simple as, what took so long, he would flip out and say you think I am just fucking everybody and then pack up all his things and move out. I never had a chance to accuse him of anything. He always accused him self on my behalf which gave him a excuse to discard me and left me speechless and hurt not understanding what just happened

[@amielipscomb-levesque8931]

I spent the first year and a half of my only marriage telling my wife she saw me different than i am. Then i realized she was doing it on purpose. I didn't argue anymore. I got quiet like you do when someone is arguing in pure ignorance with no room to learn. I thought I'd just walk the walk, so i did that. They sabotaged my accomplishments by always having more to prove. They used my vulnerabilities that i offered them as opportunity to wound me later. My ears rang for months into my therapist told me why. I had ptsd from her withholding and constant redefining us to mean less and less

[@bittu-kd7zy]

My narcissistic husband is constantly bickering and looking for drama. I told him I can't give him that. He still doesn't get it!

[@Felix4art192]

Yep

[@thami.rubushe]

My narcissistic boos once told me I "don't like being reprimanded." Unless you're a masochist, nobody likes being reprimanded!

[@N1S4444]

No matter the issue, the first reaction of my hub is an insane mental gymnastics to prove 7 degrees of separation from blame and never just a solution.

[@janinesmith369]

I just went through this this morning with an emergency with my pet. So so true. And everytime I bring up something he doesn’t admit to he’ll say bullsh** then later trying to make me look like the bad guy.

[@cherrybacon3319]

My Narc once said to me that it cost too much in travelling for me to keep going back to mine to check on my Cat!

[@janinesmith369]

@@cherrybacon3319 I’ve had similar. If I want to go do something when he’s not with me he’ll say what are you doing that for, that’s a waste of gas when you could be doing something more productive. They think it’s all about them so they can try and control us.

[@degelepassant1186]

This is gold. I'm a 60 year old scapegoat survivor of narcissistic parents, setting little by little a circle of my Golden Child, and my Invisible sisters, and myself around my 93 year old covert narcissist father... And I tell you, this is GOLD ! Too bad, my Grandiose Overt Narcissist mother died before I went back in relationship with her, already plagued by Alzheimer disease... What toxicity was this, unbelievable !!! 60 years before feeling at ease with others... That was a loooooong run, I tell you !

[@JamieWhitaker-l7b]

“I didn’t mean it that way!” “I was talking about people from my whole life.” When asked what they meant by passive aggressive comments.

[@youngblood8540]

Apologizing to a narcissist is a BIG MISTAKE !

[@Saraflowerk]

Lol they're like "You're right, you were wrong. I ACCEPT your lowly apology." 😂

[@flashylittlesteps]

You can always tell the narc that “you’re sorry they feel that way” 😉

[@elipotter369]

It just adds to their sense of superiority. However, when i stayed with a friend & realised she was totally off, i just complied until i could get away. Found out later her behaviour was textbook narcissist and my neat and polite habits inadvertently triggered her sense of inferiority. She wanted to keep me around to punish ongoing, so i had to end the friendship for my physical health.

[@JohnnyCarthief]

I apologized for a fight we got in. Trying to make peace. She said “for what?” As in, what are you sorry for? Just to make sure I was the correct kind of sorry.

[@vegancharlieleeblue]

I learned that it IS A BIG MISTAKE to apologize to a Narc because that apology becomes a weapon that they WILL later use against us. After I learned that, if a Narc demands a apology, I clarify that I myself differ the difference between being sorry and telling someone that I'm sorry from apologizing which I'm not sorry when I do. When a apology is demanded from a Narc and their enablers and my silence and lack of apology is not accepted by them to let me be, I have walked away telling them not to follow me demanding anything because "I'm not sorry, that I'm NOT sorry!" I've had to do this despite looking like the bad guy because they wouldn't leave me alone nor stop following me demanding a apology.

[@micheledietrick265]

When they accused me of something I question myself and my motives. They made me uncomfortable and say to myself that I might be wrong and less than. I was afraid at times of leaving my children with them. As it turns out I was proven right. I really don’t talk to them anymore. I have much more peace.

[@patrickbinford590]

Just when I think, out of fanciful thinking, that I have "psychological-knowledge" chops, I listen to the real thing: Dr Ramani. Would I kid you? NO. She's a pro, AND she's one with a great approach about a subject matter that is here, there, and everywhere.

[@SuzanneHougland]

My significant other says constantly “I didn’t MEAN it like that, bad choice of words” for years. He’s constantly telling me “I am a kind good person” he can lie to me so easily.

[@Redeemed1983]

"You're not allowed to feel that way. You can only feel how I TELL you to feel." "You'll never amount to anything. You're a no-good, crazy, mixed up kid." "Your memory is faulty. Things didn't happen the way you said they did." "What's wrong with YOU for talking back to me? You know I'm always right." "If you don't do EXACTLY what I tell you to do, I will WRITE you out of my will!" "I've never hated you so much in ALL my life!" Those were things I heard often growing up with a malignant narcissist father and a borderline personality mother.

[@shainanash8518]

Yes. It makes me sooo angry.

[@spacegirl226]

I am so sorry. I heard many of those things too, variations of them. My father is the nasty narc, and my mother definitely has BPD. My sibling is deeply narcissistic, antisocial, and sick too. I relate to you completely, and I know how hard that must have been to grow up with zero care, consideration, guidance, and love. Those demons didn't beat us though they tried their hardest to. We were thrown in impossible situations, and our parents should never have had children. We made it. With all the scars, we're still standing. Hugs and high fives to you.

[@Felix4art192]

I used to get, " of course it's a valid feeling but it's not valid in this situation", it made me want to scream!!!

[@Felix4art192]

I used to get " of course that's a valid feeling but it's not valid in this situation"

[@cyberninjasworld]

Just leave. No reason to lose your sanity. They are charlatans, all of them. There is no hope for them, but there is for you ❤

[@KathieMihindukulasuriya]

I've seen triangulation used to try to isolate you. The narcissist says that a person they no you care about has expressed a poor opinion or you, or only spends time with you out of obligation or has some defect that makes them lesser (so any support they give you doesn't mean anything). I've even seen one physically steer person A away from person B at a party, so they can't interact, because A and B would support each other and they don't want either of them getting that support. It took me sooo long to understand triangulation. I just kept thinking that no one wanted to spend time with me because it never occurred to me that someone would try to isolate someone to make themselves more popular. It can be so hard to understand that people fundamentally see the world differently than you - in a non-formalized way. For example, it is easy for me to understand why a christian, a hindu, buddhist, jew or a muslim would see a situation differently based on their formalized beliefs (or a capitalist vs socialist vs communist) because these are formalized frameworks and understanding which framework is influencing someone - and to what extent, you have a starting point from which to delve deeper. With narcissism, it is like trying to dig in shifting sand. There is no bedrock, so everything can change randomly and seemingly without a pattern. It is life altering to realize that the chaotic randomness IS the pattern. You can predict what they will do, because their choice in the moment will be based on external factors in their life at that moment. Do you have something they want? They may cooperate and treat you well. Did someone cut them off in traffic on the way over? They may unload their anger on you, but blame it on something you "did wrong". Not realizing that the chaos comes from them and is not triggered by your failures is necessary to protect your sanity.

[@lorawhite1017]

During that time when he was projecting things onto me almost drove me crazy

[@shainanash8518]

I escaped "mentally" from him. He sport f'uks".

[@Jennifer-dy8tz]

The one gaslighting phrase I have not heard you say yet is for the narcissist to start off a sentence with, "As we agreed, ..." as if we had discussed something and come to an agreement and he was just reminding me that I had agreed and was already going against our (of course, non-existent) agreement. Completely crazy-making.

[@elipotter369]

My sister reached out at one point to acknowledge parental abuse and I thought she recognised the roles and planned to move on and behave better. It turned out she was using me as a pawn in a triangulation game, hoping the parents would be nicer to her. I was the original scapegoat, so she used me as the usual punching bag once she thought i was hooked on staying friends with her. I refused to play the game, so she cast me as the bad sister (again- the black sheep) for refusing her olive branch. Now she's gone on to pretending she comes from a loving happy family background with a wonderful father when she lived through a reality of being the invisible child in a family where the father was a monster abusing one child he was fixated on & who was also scapegoated.

[@PinkiePi]

After a particularly heinous fight that ended in me crying and then disassociating, my nex told me to record her, because she didn't say the things I said she did, and wasn't acting as bad as I said she was. So the next huge fight, I did record her, and she attacked me for it. After settling down, she wouldn't watch the video and demanded I delete it. Interesting.

[@jonosay854]

Sounds painfully accurate

[@rewildrevolution]

Never date a trial lawyer! I’ve dated 2 now and they are some of the worst narcissists I’ve ever met in my life!!! Talk about a total mindf*ck 🤯 Thank you for this wonderful video and all that you share Dr. Ramani ❤

[@kathleen4688]

"I choose to forgive you " is my sister-in-law's famous phrase. 🤷 For what?? For YOUR word salad attacks on me?? I've learned to remain silent, bite my tongue, and let her words go in one ear and out the other. Thanks Dr. Ramani.

[@ShortcircuitDarling66]

I have been surrounded by narcissist my entire life, thinking that they cared about me. I am so glad that I found how to be independent and introverted just floored me with that roll off of things that they say.

[@Thedisgardedoptimist]

I just stayed quiet and let her tell (project) me everything she was up to.. It was so weird being accused of things I didn't do... Twilight zone for sure..

[@GellaHumbug59]

This!!

[@DominieRobinson]

It blows my mind how much real harm Damage these people can do, to careers, relationships, interpersonal relationships, reputations in the community, etc. how many people had their Lives, Careers, Marriages, reputations in their Community DESTROYED, by a vindictive, jealous, gaslighting manipulater ? It seems all of society is Shot Thru with this

[@samanthaenriquez509]

Oh my gosh Dr. Ramani nailed it, I've experienced them all. I'm so glad I have 2 of your books, Thank You so much for everything you do. ❤

[@WriterK]

both my mother and father have all their lives been the queen and king of gaslighting and guilt tripping even now that they are seniors. For a long time I felt everyone else's story, opinion, experience and ideas matter but mine are irrelevant and extra, even as an adult; even though I was a very hardworking and talented student and always a top performer at work, and not shy, but did not count my ideas worthy and probably that's why turned out a perfectionist or hardworking to fill a gap or make up for my flaws that I did not even know what they were, and thought my parents know I am not enough, so they must be right, I am full of flaws.

[@aidarusmohamed877]

Hey let me ask you one question if both of them are narcissistic. How they treat each other ? 😳

[@RavnThor]

I love this, #DrRamani. These terms are so important to know. Your work is transforming lives!!!! ❤ 🌹🌹🌹🌹

[@sylviaduncan6663]

never till them you are sorry they're looking for it so they can look down there know at you. i was right you are no good for me.

[@cherrybacon3319]

I would often feel that my Narcs 'Projection' onto me was another indirect way of confessing his whatever, whether cheating or lieing or his space etc. 🍒

[@Jessica-ts7uj]

I did make excuses for my husband to my children only for the fact that kids should never feel ill of there parents. They have there own eyes and ears to come to there own conclusions. I never wanted to contribute to the negative side of anything. To my surpise. They actually saw everything and knew whatI was doing. They are grown now and greatful

[@fearless-xz8vn]

Dr Ramani I like listening to you.. because every word you speak is true and everything you say is what my narcissistic ex did and say and you express it just the same as how they would for real it's like god sent you to be my therapist 😅😅😅 I love your videos..

[@Tabbithasdreamworld]

My mom don’t like it when I bring things up and tells me to drop it or your life was not that bad or other people had it worst

[@angelitepriestess1562]

Minimising

[@rickkillian2378]

I always wondered why my dad was accusing me of things that I was not guilty of. He would "ORDER ME" to tell him the truth about something. Then after I told him I would get "DON'T YOU LIE TO ME BOY'. I would tell him I'm not lying dad. Then I would get "YOU'RE LYING, YOU'RE LYING. WHAT DID I SAY TO YOU'! I would just stare at him being that I didn't know what else to say to him.

[@mayaross7392]

My ex who is most likely a narc: -Lots of talking about how much money he has, driving skills, and grand dreams of being a millionaire -Blamed the college for not understanding that he left school for the first few weeks after had a car accident (and was thankfully not physically hurt) while he neglected to tell anyone. -Blaming and getting extremely angry at his friends for, maybe, causing him to be sick and ruin valentines for us. -“You won’t find a better guy like me” -*break up convo- he asks what he did wrong to do better. I point out that he comes across at times as if he is better than others. His response when I ask for the same criticism “I need someone who is a more mature communicator” -And many times of trying to explain away his emotional reactions and actions with logic. This often came when he realize he did something wrong and/or when I pointed it out. -Apologies followed by “But understand I…” Two friends who played every gaslighting trick when I brought up their actions making me feel like a third wheel when with them: -“Perhaps you feel that way because *explains away my emotions” -“You are trying to make your self the sole victim when that isn’t the case” -“I apologize why are you still mad at me?” -“We tried to work this out but you refused to compromise/ find middle ground” -“I see what kind of person you are and I feel bad for *two people in the past who have hurt me, one of which being my ex” -“We tried to fix this but clearly you are too stubborn and amateur. Grow up” -“I want to alleviate/resolve the situation” -“I’m going through other stuff so that’s why I may have given a bad vibe” *yet doesn’t realize it was what they said was the issue, even after explaining it to them -“You are also in the wrong” *asks how so. Is met with silence -acting in a joking/nonchalant manner, such as burping, when talking/ getting emotional about your feelings *after telling them I want a break since we continued to disagree and was emotionally exhausted. -“A break isn’t going to help anything, that so stupid. We’re not going to wait around for you to welcome us as friends. We are all adults and idk why we can’t resolve this and not get frustrated like last night” -“If that’s what you want go ahead but don’t expect us to forgive you and reach out and respond when you reach out” and “We were really just looking out for you and it just feels like you’re potentially taking long time friendships for granted” Followed by more texting and -“If you don’t respond to us we will assume you don’t want to be friends anymore” I got so frustrated with their back to back victimization, denial, twisting of the truth, and claims of wanting to resolve things, even when I said all I wanted was an apology and reassurance that they wouldn’t continue acting that way, never came/ expected me to apologize for their feelings. They continued texting me and want to continue talking after I didn’t accept their insincere apologizes. This caused me to at times talk over them at times during calls, which I in the moment and apologized and explained why I did it, and raise my voice. Yet, when I asked for a break in the situation they didn’t respect it. In the end I learned that it doesn’t matter how you act or what you say in the situation, they will use whatever they can to make you feel like the problem and them the victim.

[@Lotuz01]

I've been gaslighted so much that I AM a detective of my own life. It's exahusting!

[@justrosy5]

We can become a united community front by pulling each other out of these situations. We need a charity that runs safe-houses for victims of narcissistic abuse. Enough of this garbage they throw our way!

[@pamwhitehouse5961]

HEAR-HEAR🎉 Absolutely 💯 %

[@justrosy5]

@@pamwhitehouse5961 So the question is, then, how do we go about doing that in an intelligent, communal way? I can name the need, but I don't personally know how to do that. If you (or anyone else here) does know how, please speak up! ❤

[@DominieRobinson]

The real trouble So much of their Abuse is Covert. Asymmetrical, and quite often, Carefully hidden, Invisible . How to Prove carefully Crafted, hidden abuse ?

[@daniellesomerfield8799]

Yes they create the problem, then blame you for it. I'm fully aware of these. One of the 'leaders' in Dayspring cult was an employee of a government counselling centre (or connected in some way, I can't remember now) who had someone call me saying that my son was concerned for me. I told her that my son was in a cult and that he was the one who needs 'counselling'. My son would never have thought about doing that, the cult was clearly behind it. I don't think the cult knew I knew where she was employed. All based on lies.

[@NotIt1024]

0:22 Projection 14:43 Gaslighting 33:39 Triangulation

[@ChristianaBonelliSmith-mo1ox]

I am sure I am not the only one who have experienced this in a corporate environment but I recall that brutal environment. I started going home calling her "the Purana" after that movie.

[@moniqueteal7153]

I'm so exhausted from these projection and gaslighting attacks ... the manipulated attacks from everyone he sends to attack me ...the lies are so horrible !! As much as I understand that this is his issues but it hurts and taking the high road gets so old . I do pity him and feel sad for the whole situation 😞 😢💔💯‼️

[@micheledietrick265]

Please leave. I didn’t find peace and strength until I did.

[@cherrybacon3319]

He doesn't deserve your pity.

[@moniqueteal7153]

@micheledietrick265 I did and that's when he started the biggest smear campaign on the planet ( in my world) lies, attacks , court cases you name it ... he's manipulated some of my family friends and it's so hard forme to stay grey rock silent ... it's all very sad and so hard mentally emotionally 😪 I never really thought he would treat me this horribly. I'm out but still having to deal with him.

[@RobinEdwards-cr2mj]

He told everyone he "took care of me"...guess laying in bed all day on porno sites and never even finishing his own clothes or cooking dinner was taking care of me! 😢. He believes his lies too. All I can do is pray for him. I can't have him in my life anymore though. He's way too toxic for me.

[@rainnovember913]

My narcissist future ex-husband of sh* about me to his multiple sexual partners. He accuses me to be th Narc and that I'm the paranoid.He even convinced my son's doctors that I am a monster. They look at me with disgust and no respect. He's always their to act as if he is an angle in front of others and an ugly evil with me and my children.

[@Coral_Forever]

I love it when Dr. Ramani goes into professor mode! This was a really illuminating and helpful video. Thank you.

[@sparkygump]

Oh, she still projects on me AFTER the discard! I see it for what it is now, thanks to the wonderful Dr. Ramani.

[@kimotten2152]

The father of my children keeps asking me, "when are you going to stop traumatising the kids". Because I am trying to shelter them from his behaviour. And the court decided he can only see them 1.5 hours a week.

[@JoshuaAnzalone-zk5ht]

I refuse to allow any of them to project onto me and thats how ive elevated and my energy has shifted.

[@rainnovember913]

The arc I married to uses te expressions : Oh it did happen, you just imagine things.,you can't take a joke because you are full of insecurities, you are mentally sick...etc. When I respond, he gets to physical abuse, and then he justifies saying it was my fault and that he has just reacted to my words...

[@judiththeis4476]

Please leave, you deserve better...

[@rainnovember913]

@judiththeis4476 Yes, I know. I am preparing for.

[@francesmartel7948]

My Sister loves to say that I’m “hypersensitive”; this way she can snap at me when she’s tired of me or in a bad mood (usually within 72 hours of a visit , now that we’re adults) and make it unacceptable when I get hurt and upset.

[@DominieRobinson]

The part that messed me up was hidden covert abuse followed by the comment "don't you Realize I Really Care about you ?" Yet feeling like I just got a double fisted Punch, in the mouth .

[@xsoccerdork]

Omg ): every single type of gaslighting example is exactly what my family has done to me my whole life. Thank you for the waking me up ):

[@mushka6202]

How about accusing you of being defensive and reactionary for pointing out a fact, in response to their “alternative facts”

[@macliadevalon7336]

The narcissist's accomplice or friands gaslighted me too that way, telling me to get mental help. The narcissit never remember what he has just said and done to me.

[@ChristianaBonelliSmith-mo1ox]

This was absolutely one of your best videos for me and it has helped to remind me of things I didn't think about such as the guilt that if they have been guilty of causing you pain it is better to just dismiss you and completely discard you.

[@HalcyonxTeatree]

This is exactly 100%.What i've been dealing with with my friends. thank you for putting it into words so that we can keep up and protect and heal ourselves. Thank you, Dr. Ramani

[@keariewashburn4680]

They project the same ole shit for decades! Thats what is so stupid. And they never know what really went on during their " remembering " Then you give them the look of " you are really effed up" and you cant even respond witj the same ole truth to them. They never " get it" waste of time. I dont have to defend, explain, or study themn. Walk away with a smile.

[@susanbittner2095]

You Are So Wonderful and Smart Dr. Ramani!!! I Want to Say Once Again That You Remind Me So Much of My Aunt, My Fathers Sister!!! She Was So Smart Exactly Like You, A Math Teacher, Guidance Counselor, and When She Retired Worked For an Attorney!!! My Father, An Electrical Engineer, and Her Were Very Smart, Empathic People Who I Admired and Totally Respected!!! You Are So Much Like Both of Them Combined!!! I Wanted To Say That I Am A Capricorn Just Like You Are!!! Thank You So Much For Your Wonderful and Informative Videos!!! I Appreciate You So Much For What You Do!!!🎉❣️

[@jrr2045]

This was so incredibly difficult to deal with. He would deflect so quickly and so smoothly. He got me thinking that I was mean and crazy for being kinda mad he drove under the influence with kids in the car. Suddenly the focus was all on him being the victim of my emotions and the consequences of his crime were not ok because I apparently crossed his boundaries by needing space 😮 jesus...

[@athomson8949]

Ì used to work with a church ministry leader who is routinely verbally abusive to the vulnerable people she is meant to be supporting and to the staff she is meant to be leading. When the victim of this abuse reacts, she doubles down, smears, bans and finally exiles the victim. If the victim is willing to apologise for things they have not done, she allows them to stay. Her projection helps to 'break' the victim so that she can humiliate and control them.

[@marykathrynstone1935]

When I finally understood projection, I came to realize the accusations the X lodged at me and our kids actually told me what behaviors he was or had been engaged in.