The TRUTH about being the eldest daughter (of an immigrant family)

Timestamps:
0:00 - Intro
2:00 - Responsibility
3:00 - Immigrant Daughters Maturing Faster
3:30 - Adultification
4:40 - Emotional Support
4:56 - Negative Effects of Adultification
6:46 - Immigration Journey
8:10 - Great Expectations
8:30 - Honor Culture
9:55 - It's Confusing
10:40 - Keep Others Warm
11:41 - The Most Difficult Thing
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[@helfulvids]

As an eldest daughter this is why I dont feel an ugent need to have children...because I feel like I have already raised my own kid (siblings).

[@miaa7097]

Same here I'm childfree because I have done it all

[@ekapurwanita6258]

It all came in eldest daughter's mind I guess but I still want my own kids tho but not rushing and be more responsible of having kids. Oh I also scared if I'm not being a good mom in the future due to childhood trauma that your parents gave. But again who are we? no one validate our struggles lol

[@aurora-jp4ck]

Omg thank you- I genuinely had to care for my sister to such a degree that I was mistaken for her mother multiple times… I am by now really against the idea of having children any time soon

[@whateverbabe]

Same for me! I took care of 4 of them, there are even two who are 15 and 20 younger than me so you can imagine! I literally raised them since they were babies, I used to change their diapers and feed them milk... it is crazy.

[@eeeeeee-hm1mq]

YESSSSSSS

[@ballerina3483]

I am the eldest daughter with all responsibilities of an adult but freedom of a 5 years old 🥲

[@foreveryoung2098]

“Burning yourself to keep others warm” - I feel this so much! like constantly having to give up what you want to do for your family, and the expectation that daughters have to do it instead of the sons. Appreciate you for making this video. We’re the invisible forces in a family band it’s a job we didn’t sign up for. It was legit given to us at birth haha.

[@sayeeed1303]

What do you mean by "instead of the sons"? You mean to say "not the sons"?

[@memo-fq3ps]

The worst is that you get no credit from your parents, and your siblings just see you as the bossy, neurotic, and boring big sister. You feel so underappreciated and the standards are higher for you, while your younger siblings get praised just for doing the bare minimum, and then you see your younger siblings get the kind of privileges that you never got at their age because your parents' expectations have lowered. It genuinely infuriates me that my mom says that she doesn't remember me looking after my younger siblings when I was a kid, saying, "Oh, it's all a blur. I can't remember anything at happened around that time." But can conveniently remember every amazing thing my younger sister did at that same time. I'm getting angrier as I'm typing all this. If you're going to regularly have your oldest kid constantly baby sit your younger siblings, at least give your kid credit when they help you with something. It's irritating to hear your mom tell everyone that she did everything herself with no help whatsoever. I should lie and tell everyone that I fed myself as a kid with no help from my parents just to see how she feels. Realistically though, I'll probably just quietly find a way to move out and never visit them. Edit: I have confronted my mom about this on some occasions, but just hearing her continue to deny things or pretend she doesn't remember anything, or her yelling at me and telling her to "stop making up lies", or hearing her make fun of me and say things like, "Ooh. You think you did so much work as a kid, huh? All I remember is you sitting in your room for hours. Your sister who's eight years younger than you is more mature than you." Just hurts too much and makes me feel worse in the end. She doesn't change, and I don't feel good at all, and most of my younger siblings are too young to remember what happened, and my dad will just lecture me about how it's not good to hold on to the past and that I should just get along with my family, which, at this point, I don't want to anymore. What's the point?

[@JoyFay]

I’m so sorry your mom is gaslighting you. I understand because my mom does the same. In fact, my younger sister-who got the most help from me, yelled at me when I expressed how difficult it was on me to carry the parental burden.

[@CsySnw]

this. because it's just having the responsibilities and pressures of adulthood yet none of the freedom or gratification in return

[@piqueny8872]

My mom has turned by younger siblings against me , like I didn’t do anything for them Since I’ve finally told her to raise her own kids and cater to her own social life cuz I ain’t no maid no more!

[@angrycannibal6625]

Go for it! Confront them individually and together, don’t get angry. Tell them your experience and add some undeniable facts and keep it moving. You can tell your experience but if they ignore it, that’s their problem. Set boundaries to avoid continuing mistreatment!

[@galamander_1327]

What you described is a toxic family dynamic that happens across all cultures. It's isolating and crazy making in any context. I grew up similarly with my parents blatantly denying things I knew happened. I kept a secret journal just to keep myself from losing it. There are two channels I strongly recommend: 1st is Dr. Ramani (Dr Ramani Durvasala also has a podcast) 2nd is Patrick Teahan. They both really helped me untangle my experiences and heal.

[@YounhaMizuki]

I remember helping my mom and dad translate documents, and pay bills growing up. Recently, I had a conversation with my mom about one of my aunts relying on their daughter to make calls, and appointments for something that was going on. My mom was like what would have my aunt done without my cousin. I was like she’s already had so many years in this country and yet hasn’t made the effort to improve for the sake of her child. I understand that sounded mean, But I remember as a child having to learn a new language and being told to just deal with it. I was constantly made to feel bad when I didn’t do what my parents wanted me to do. Don’t get me wrong,I care about my parents but at what point do they have accountability. I just feel that sometimes immigrant parents use their children as a clutch.

[@angrycannibal6625]

See that too

[@luciole6048]

Sadly it is very common, you are expected to make the effort but not them, even though it was there decision to immigrate.

[@pyrophoresist1497]

Unrelated slightly, this reminded me how many mothers use their daughters as a clutch when they're old & vulnerable. You become their soapbox to vent to, their therapist, their carer, the negotiator & talker for relatives they have beef with etc. They quickly forget how they used to fatshame, bodyshame, gaslight & criticise you & nitpick you in so many ways that messed you up. If you come from one of "those" cultures/families they always treated you like you were worthless or inferior to males. Now all of a sudden you're good. They say they can't do without you now. They say it's so great to have you around now, to have someone to talk to because all their friends are old, dead or moved on so they latched onto you.

[@g.s.632]

Absolutely.

[@thatgirlinthesouth]

OMG same. I couldn't have said it better....

[@estheradao]

I’m the eldest daughter of an African immigrant’s family, I remember when I was a kid I had to clean the house, cook for my brother while performing good grades at school at the same time. Now, I’m an adult and I still living with my parents. Sometimes I feel like I have to be a perfect example while my younger sibling is allowed to do mistakes. My youngest sibling is allowed to breathe, to enjoy life and to live.

[@SirAgravaine]

I am the eldest daughter, but not the eldest child. I had to raise my older brother sometimes (he is not developmentally delayed in anyway) and once I was old enough, I was basically in charge of keeping the house clean. I didn't know how to cook to my mom's level, but I was doing everything else that was asked of me. Having to basically get my brothers through high school without thanks and feeling like I couldn't ask for anything because everyone else was struggling so much... It was weird to be an 8 year old and be responsible for the mental health of two adults and two children and then keep that going until I finally moved over a 1000 miles away and cut them off.

[@angrycannibal6625]

U first

[@yesthisisyoursign]

You deserve to rest

[@rziefebruary]

The "Boys tended to have more freedom..." part hits HARD.

[@CsySnw]

The lack of mentorship is sooo real. For example, my home life is very different from my friends' so it's not really something I can talk about (plus honour culture causes you to not want to share too much), and no older siblings or cousins to ask questions about on how things work in a foreign country, and family friends are often not close enough + again honour culture. The struggle from high school to university and trying to understand how things worked were some of the worst times of my life because I had no idea where my life was going, all the while there was the pressure to get into a good university to make my parents' struggles worth it.

[@Nirnvana]

I’m the eldest daughter of four, with younger brothers. My family is Mexican, and I was raised primarily by my mother and grandma. I can’t say I had to navigate a deep cultural divide, but I definitely was the emotional support of my mother and unconsciously learned to suppress my needs to keep the peace, seeing her go through a lot. I’ve been the designated unpaid babysitter. It is a lonely journey. I feel bad to say that my mom and grandma exemplify to me what -not- to do in life. And I just started coming to terms crippling perfectionism, which may result from feeling unsafe. I will live consciously and be an older sister to myself, I think that will help a lot moving forward.

[@noradenis2811]

That's a nice way to put it: being that big sister to yourself. I definitely wished I had a present big sister when I was kid. It made being a big sister easier because I felt like I was giving something I didn't have.

[@miaa7097]

You arricled my life experiences in a significant way This is why im childfree

[@ilusapalo]

I've been ridiculed by my siblings, parents and even extended family members (mostly women) for "complaining" and talking about the mental exhaustion and burnout, I no longer have the mental strength or capacity to work on anything related to myself anymore, my mind is completely wired to take care of everyones needs and wants.

[@aweddemigod9956]

I'm sorry. I'm in CBTPTSD therapy and it helps a lot. It's hard to unlearn the crap we were taught but it's worth working on it so we can put as much space and time between us and feeling that need to be needed. I struggle with it all the time. I have no hobbies except youtube and my puppy. Hah. But it's possible to unlearn the toxicity and learn to love who it made us.

[@lbwnova6654]

As an eldest daughter yes I do get defensive when people talk badly about/to my mom. When I vent to my friend about my parents I almost always feel the need to talk about all the things they do for me which sometimes feels like I’m trying to minimize how they’ve hurt me. But in private I often feel a burning anger that rises out of no where. Sometimes I feel like I have anger problems lol

[@YH-vf6pc]

Honor culture is the most fucked up thing to exist in our culture… especially when it comes to marriage. I’m currently dealing with this, the man I want to marry is an amazing guy, he’s Muslim and studying a good degree and super kind and pure. And my parents won’t let me marry him because one of his arms is a little short due to a congenital issue (NOT GENETIC) and my mom says marrying a “disabled” man will bring shame to the family.

[@Squirrellium]

Tell your mom to be mindful Allah doesn't dislike such words

[@cyberspace7208]

Disgusting

[@AM-kq6tv]

İ would just go married. İf you read quaran, parental permission is nice but not needed. He is a good guy mashallah, so just go ahead. Your parents neuroticism should not impede a halal relationship.

[@aloha3246]

I cried at some portions of these. It is nice to have someone validate my experiences. I think I am going to keep coming back to this video.

[@piqueny8872]

This is my life in a nut shell! Worst part my parents families where huge yet I had no guidance nobody to talk to, nobody to help me succeed. The mental emotional family trauma gets passed on to each daughters that is unmarried Leading to us all having depression and anxiety

[@elsa-wq9zw]

I along with the army of strong (and traumatized) older daughters manifested this video

[@azfaawad7654]

Most of these parents are narcissistic AF. The best thing to do is save money, move as far as possible and live your best life whilst you still have one.

[@piqueny8872]

Narcissists parents want all the credit but don’t want to do any of the work they put on themselves! All the household chores became our responsibility learning to drive we became the family uber, earning became our duty to pay the bills. Raising the siblings became our responsibility! While they carried on with there social life vacations ends parties while getting praise and glory for controlling and making us obedient!

[@AstroBaby91]

My childhood: being the confidante for my parents' drama and cheating, being dragged to a new country and being the translator and babysitter at age 8. I suffered as a kid. 😢

[@dharinib6802]

THIS! I went through hell and back and I couldn't tell anyone. This is even worse because I know that I could've saved myself from so much abuse if only there was openness and lack of judgment from their side. I don't know how they expect us to be pu ttogether human beings at 15 when they never modeled any of that behavior for us... My "talk" was basically "a woman is supposed to behave like fire, so the guy knows he shouldn't mess with you" the onus of repelling boys was on me and there was no conversation around what to do when you DO actually like someone??? I mean, it's too much to expect from conservative families but the lack of trust and openness really does one on you.

[@paulaken]

Saaaameee! I’m trying to navigate relationships rn in my upper 20s and I’m clueless!!

[@normalouis8593]

I'll never forget the time my parents would say that I would get in trouble for things my little sisters do, if it's something I've done before.

[@nilgunakinci]

My parents were talking to me about „the children“, meaning my younger brothers - me not included 😅 they are just three and four years younger than me

[@luciole6048]

I'm sorry for you, this is not fair 🙁

[@kirangill5330]

I 👏FEEL 👏SEEN👏 Thank you for posting this Tazzy, I've never related to a video so much. I am also the eldest daughter of an immigrant family, also a religious minority and around the same age as yourself, so this was extremely relatable. I feel like only other eldest daughters can understand the struggle and the residual burdens we still carry into adulthood. One thing I do for myself now going into my 30s is to really nurture the inner child in myself. I also find myself seeking out more 'child-like' activities that I may have missed out on before but can be more present for now.

[@lbwnova6654]

In my experience my relationship with my parents is almost bipolar in the sense that it can become fantastic or horrific in a few seconds. I’d be chatting with them normally and make a joke, that normally they laugh at, which they suddenly take offence to. Then they’re screaming about how ungrateful I am about everything they’ve done for me even though I wrote essays for school which they read about my family’s immigration experience and my parents’ perseverance. Even though I thank them for what they’ve done when they mention certain things, or how I’m sympathetic when they complain about their hardships. But God forbid I try to vent to them as they vent to me. They’ll hear me out for a few minutes then go back to venting. I SAW DEAD CHILDREN but I was told to get over it because I couldn’t do anything. But they can complain about their shitty jobs day in and day out. But I know despite all of this I always go back and try to forgive and forget

[@toy8745]

As eldest daughter - i only started to ask for help at 34 years old

[@yasmin04]

Eldest daughter here! So many valid points Tazzy, though I feel like having to be the surrogate adult/parent/therapist in the family results in some really deep rooted resentment and rebellion too, especially when you get to a certain age and start regretting or realising everything you missed out on... anyway, eldest daughters in immigrant families are legitimately heroic and the bedrock of every desi (ethnic) household! Kudos to you all!😅

[@ibrahimm2012]

I am the eldest son and only child . For sure women have way more hurdles to cross . As a guy it’s feels like the pressure is never off my shoulder . Moving to a new country proving myself to my family, relatives all is too heavy .

[@samiyaferguson9177]

In american culture we are called latch key kids, meaning when we got home from school no one was home. I as the eldest daughter was the one to cook dinner, help with homework and clean. I couldn't imagine the added pressure of having to translate for your parents! African american people do have something similar to honor culture "don't share our business" but it is certainly not as extreme. Peace and love to all eldest daughters across the globe. Your siblings calling you second father is so cute 😂

[@ifrah.crystal]

As a fellow eldest daughter, this video was on point. For me, going to therapy is helping me navigate struggles and healing the wounds from my childhood/upbringing. It's not an easy road and so I'm sending love, prayers, and blessings to all other eldest daughters out there. ❤

[@untitled1464]

i’m the eldest daughter of a Mexican immigrant household, but I also thought of Shameless while watching this. I had to stop watching the show because sometimes it would hit close to home-especially in the early seasons with Fiona. they’re not technically an immigrant family, but I related so hard with Fiona and Lip at times.

[@aweddemigod9956]

That first episode with the water in the milk jug hit waaaay to close to home and I never finished the first episode. I'm also Mexican, oldest of 6. I thought it was interesting how my mind changed though and I have that show to thank for showing me my own realization. .. When Fiona left the show, I remember thinking "she would never leave her siblings. That's just poor writing." But I realized around her same age that I also had to leave the family. I wanted to get sober and I couldn't around them. There was no room for me before and no resources shared with me and in fact at times it felt like we werent on the same team at all.. I was still treated like the problem solving maid and when I wouldn't give my time away for free I was a problem-maker. "Why can't you just do it?" "Okay well that's something you'll have to get over." "He doesn't know how to do it. You do it." "Finish cleaning or you can't go." "You can't go, I need you to babysit." Even though I hadn't lived there since I was 17 and I never got help with anything, seeing how my parents would pour into my siblings made me realize they were always capable and just used me as a buffer while they took their sweet time getting serious about parenting. A trial child. I can't lie. It still makes me upset. I'm glad they get the help. It just sucks that my parents probably always knew they'd never provide that for me and I was mom's mini me and mommy #2 and not a kid they were going to support and send to get an education like my siblings. I'm just glad I'm out and far away. And I now understand why Fiona left. Those were never her kids. And I do not have babies either.

[@ameliareads589]

I am a mentor for the eldest daughter in an immigrant family. She is the eldest child of four, two brothers, one sister. I would wish I could somehow show her this video with German or Kurdish subtitles. Thank you so much for this, I love your channel!

[@LifebyChi]

Definitely feeling this video. I was the struggle baby, parentified in many ways (babysitting while I was still a baby, responsible for the actions and emotions of others/role model, emotional support for both of my parents/mediator for arguments, ride for all of my sisters, unable to ask for support), but also privileged in a sense because I didn’t have to translate for them or pay bills. I often felt small or made myself small to ensure everyone else came first. Always having to manage the emotions of others/live up to expectations. It’s tough 🥺

[@strexcorp]

thank you so much for making this, i cant fully word how much this resonated with me being the eldest daughter of an immigrant household that was also a single parent household. I care deeply for my younger siblings and I'm glad they get to be raised with stability I didn't get and a mentor I didn't have but damn every now and then it feels a bit bitter having such a thankless job that really does feel like being a middle manager lmao

[@andyvirtual]

I am an immigrant and have a 9yo daughter who is probably going thru what you lived in your childhood. Your video helped me reflect on the undue pressure we are putting on her! 😳

[@ANabiha]

I feel like most of this applies to eldest daughters in every brown family, immigrant or living in their home country

[@indrinita]

You honestly didn't even have to say "immigrant family". This is literally every eldest daughter I've known or met. The healthiest oldest daughters I've met are the ones who cut off their toxic families. You can't heal if you continue swimming in a cesspool.

[@sadiyaalom729]

I feel so validated

[@Lily41420]

i'm leaving a comment cuz i'm not in the right mindset to watch right now, but thank you so much for continuing to create these insightful video essays. they are a fantastic resource, that SSWANA families are in desperate need of.

[@seaofroses8888]

I definitely experienced parentification. Interestingly though, this was pushed on by my dad(non-immigrant) rather than my immigrant mom.

[@justDaphna]

I grew up with my aunt and for the past 4 years I’ve lived with my older cousin (I’m 18 about to go to college), and honestly emotionally it hurts living with them sometimes. Every time I get upset they constantly remind me how they took me in and how ungrateful I am. I do my best not to feel like a burden but it’s hard. I have this constant feeling that I have to be the best because I have family back in my home country that are depending on me. I remember being like 14 and my older cousin wanting me to be responsible for her youngest child. It was aggravating bc that child became so attached to me that he would only come to me for anything and everything. And I did everything and anything . And I can go on about my relationship with my parents lol. It’s hard out here for us first-gen or eldest immigrant daughters. I dream of the day when I move out and don’t have to depend on anyone.

[@oualidbo78]

Ça s’appelle du chantage affectif. Tu fais ce que je te dis où je me met en colère. Et du coup tu as peur donc tu te plie. Il faut surtout pas plier

[@harjii]

When you talked about the lack of mentorship, that almost made me cry because that's so true! I reflect back to not just my family unit but also socially, whether it was with close family friends or even at school and I was ALWAYS the eldest daughter and the oldest child, therefore always playing this role and definitely lacked a mentor. Having one would have really helped a lot, like you said having an older version of yourself to guide you. It's comforting to know that there's so many of us worldwide sharing in this common humanity of being the eldest daughter but for sure, being one from an immigrant family is tough and comes with its own nuances. Thank you so much for sharing your experiences in this video!

[@asmagammoudi1006]

This video is so relatable and comforting ❤

[@sadi_bu]

There has been so much said in this video, that I can identify with. I feel a sense of relief, knowing that there are others who have also made similar experiences!Thank you for being brave enough to share!❤

[@nevertheless2024]

Girl thank you so much for talking about this I honestly feel completely validated, it’s honestly super rough having to be the one who is put together and be an example and I am grateful to know I’m not the only one experiencing this 😭🙏🏾❤️

[@tearsinthesea]

Jewel tones look amazing on you Tasneem ❤️

[@nerd26373]

Thanks for this video. Somehow I can relate to you being the oldest child in the family. I've kinda wanted an older sibling, but it will never happen.

[@gracemaple1060]

This is so interesting to hear. I am the eldest daughter but not of an immigrant family. I definitely experienced a little bit of what you talked about. I helped/help my younger sisters with their homework and life struggles. I am basically the family therapist, which can be a lot of emotional labor at times, especially during any fights that occur. There was also high expectations with regards to my performance in school and such. However, that was pretty much it. Although I became a mentor for my younger siblings, my parents still acted as mentors for me. I never had to help with bills or driving. I'm off now with my own life in a city (although given instant communication I still keep up with helping my sisters and being the family therapist haha). All in all, I feel as though the responsibilities I got had a largely positive impact on my life. I have a good, well paying job, I understand better than most how to deal with conflict, and I am comfortable with leadership roles at work. Too bad it came with semi-regular burnout.

[@areka1378]

You decided to speak facts 👏

[@victoriacreese8825]

This resonates SOOOOOOO much 😭

[@fanta9258]

Would love a podcast i could listen all day 😂❤

[@salmainthemiddle4257]

Everything about this video, even the “Joe Shmo” was SO REAL!!! thank you for sharing your experience. As a middle child of five (two older sisters) I’m so grateful for them because I’ve seen how my parents got better at parenting by the time it was my turn lol. Your sacrifices do not go unnoticed!!!

[@senan13]

I'm a youngest daughter of an immigrant family (have an older brother) and i relate to so much of this, especially the lonely road

[@BeansPredi-ch6xk]

Me being the younger daughter and relating. I had to endure my divorced parents complaints about my elder sister staying out late at night. I had to ask (remind) my father for financial support every moth. I was less than 10.

[@lailakhoshkar126]

I’m not the eldest, but I am the only daughter, and much of this really resonated. Thank you, as always, for sharing your thoughts and experiences x

[@Juuleeq]

I love your new look and brows, beautiful 😊

[@hassanmirza2392]

You are a smart person, with quite intelligent take on different issues.

[@lindam7821]

This resonated so much to me. I was definitely parentified. My dad was the eldest and my mom was the only one in America in her family. They projected a lot on me as the eldest daughter of 3.

[@user-hk9hi5sg6s]

I am the oldest of 4 daughters, i came over from Central Europe with my parents as a toddler. Thank you so much for your topic. This has ruled my life. I felt like i better perform so that it was worth their while to come here. But I never felt like they came so their kids “could have a better life” it was all about them leaving poverty and a country destroyed by WWII. I had to translate for my mother, humiliating! I had to fight with them about what was normal for American kids. I really hated what they put me through, and that was all when the other siblings came along! Of course my mom had to have a spotless house, and traditional cooking! So i had to take care of siblings so she could do that before the Narcissistic dad came home! This is in the 1950’s. The pressure from my dad was huge, Become American but retain your language and culture! All the while he criticized Americans. This was a mind fuck! Because of what i was up against i felt perpetually inadequate. I was so ashamed of my parents with their accents and behavior. I grew up so socially isolated with no support from extended family, it was all on me to meet my parents needs! I was shamed for wanting to be with friends rather than family. My 3 younger sisters, esp the 2 youngest, grew up almost in a different family. The youngest wants to argue with me now about how great our parents were and what is wrong with ME??? Therapy has and is continuing to help me! Thanks again!

[@kiiir4_]

happy early 100k subs!

[@lauragweyani6631]

What an insightful video. Writing in as the youngest sibling. I totally acknowledge my big sister's contribution to our family. She helped raise my brother and I when we were younger. She later relocated to USA for greener pastures, and even then she never stopped supporting our family back home in Africa. It is unfortunate that she passed away suddenly, and it saddens me that I won't be able to repay her for all her kindness and generosity. She was and always will be my role model. Happy 'mothers' day to all the eldest daughters out there. We see you and appreciate you.

[@clarafagetti2929]

Even before my family moved to Canada I was already taking care of my younger brother + other familie's kids

[@AM-kq6tv]

Feel so seen. İm so glad your family was good to you Tasneem. My family not so much. Lived on my own at 19. Eldest child daughter family immigrated from Honduras. All of this applies.

[@Caribbeannking1011]

Im not the oldest but it really sucks when parents expect the oldest child to be perfect all the time. Like the oldest child is still a child and they will make mistakes. They also tell the oldest child to lead by example, which I feel puts a lot of pressure on them.

[@piqueny8872]

Parents want you to succeed but on there terms. Females household chores means they don’t have to do it, yet it’s a life skill they want you to list when they allow you to marry. Raising siblings raising the grandkids one day. Bare minimum for the males work vacations bachelor life forever

[@AD-li6dt]

Thank you so much for this. My experience is almost completely the same. It‘s a great feeling to relate to someone on that level. I always felt misunderstood by my friends who didn’t hold that role. And my younger siblings are so privileged, ungrateful and self-absorbed. I could scream. The best decision I’ve made is moving out six months ago. I just left my family’s place as my brother complained that he doesn’t want to eat rice all the time. The audacity xD

[@Tam974eva]

As the oldest child and daughter of a South Asian family, I have younger brothers and sister to take care of. My sister and I share a 16 year age gap! Now that Im a full blown adult and can have children of my own; Im still having to discipline my sister bc my mom is too lazy to do so. And if I attempt to train my sister to be kinder and less-spoiled, I get yelled at for doing so. Yet if there are any shortcomings in my sister--I am BLAMED for "spoiling her" just for taking her on occasional days out. It is frustrated to be gaslighted by ur own family and treated as an adult child.

[@angrycannibal6625]

I sympathize with you. I am AA and I married someone from the Middle East. Our only daughter is the third child. I see the honor culture forced upon her and her girlfriends and the insane demands to navigate between two cultures and sometimes religions. They are held to a much higher standard than the boys and they don’t get the family support . They have to navigate the world without guidance while the mom jockeys on her back and the rest of the family trails behind. The family then gets mad when she doesn’t want to marry and raise another man and family. AA and Middle Eastern culture is very similar and has lots of positive behaviors such as loyalty and close family ties. What I absolutely hate and feel is the MOST DAMAGING is the women FORCING girls to RAISE the moms kids and being the grownup. In AA society it’s often an economic necessity, in Middle Eastern society, not so much. Perhaps the moms should make more of an effort to assimilate to help, especially their daughters navigate this society.

[@sabah4877]

Thank you❤

[@tasnimkhan1624]

It’s like we’re living parallel lives!

[@divyar.k.3299]

My family just takes takes takes, and I had to just do do do. After doing everything and achieving everything...the goal post is moved further untill I cut contact with my family. Now I sleep well, enjoy life and have meaningful relationships 😊

[@aurora-jp4ck]

I actually went to therapy because I felt crazy. Like, no way that my family is wrong about me being bossy/neurotic/aggressive, when I knew myself I was emotionally unstable. Turns out, constant pressure to perform + higher expectations + emotional/physical/verbal abuse + parentification+ financial anxiety + health issues don’t really lend itself to the most positive of mindsets for me. I am diagnosed with cptsd ( other issues also suspected) and am still the moral punching bag for any issues. My brother on the other hand is praised for not being an addict (personally nothing against people struggling with addiction, my family just uses a weird moral highground kinda image to elevate my brothers lifestyle) and only receiving rent from them, while I get called out for not cleaning up fast enough after them even though I’m in college and have a job :´) Also love that for me that I am doing their taxes and have been writing applications/ homework for my siblings since I was 12 while actively neglecting my own academics

[@emanalsmadi2196]

The thing about needing mentorship and navigating life on ur own is true man I always wished to have someone that can truly guide me I used to cry to god to pls just give me wisdome I tried to overcompensate by reading as way for guidance but loneliness still presist

[@rainy.2535]

(in relation to the last thing you said) last night my mood was a bit low, and while I was thinking, I don't know why, this thought crossed my mind "I wish I could talk to my younger version, from when I was 10...13..15..y.o" Honestly, I think no one would ever understand me except myself, things like...give the advice I needed or just talk for a while hahahs. in the end...alhamdulillah for everything, even if I/we feel like we don't have anyone...we have Allah

[@biscuitcoup5845]

It's honestly not just cultures where honor is a big concept. My mom would get incredibly hurt and bitchy when I let it slip that I talked to my friends about the issues I am having with her and straight up forbade me from talking about her to them. It took years for me to unlearn the "it's ok to talk smack behind your mother's back if she is being abusive to you" and to this very day I feel the tug of "...you are talking bad about your mom? Isn't that very ungrateful and shameless???? Are you really this evil???" This woman has done some absolutely nasty shit in the past and *I* am the one feeling bad about telling other people about my hurt... Kids who were subject to narcissistic abuse will relate to this very point, as well... That being said, I am the eldest daughter of an immigrant mom, so maybe it's just that.

[@angrycannibal6625]

No it isn’t. Plz get therapy.

[@biscuitcoup5845]

@@angrycannibal6625 Girl I went to a lot of therapy and I am good now, as with most negative mental health things they just stay with you somewhat for life. Depression/CPTSD doesn't get cured, you learn to live with it. Also I'd be careful telling people to go to therapy online, it's not your place.

[@hollygolightly3313]

@@biscuitcoup5845 I'm confused, so you think it's not okay to criticize your mother harmful behavior's towards you?

[@biscuitcoup5845]

@@hollygolightly3313 i don't know how you got that from my reply but no I think you can criticize your mom for any of her behaviors.

[@hollygolightly3313]

@@biscuitcoup5845 Sorry, I was confused because in your original comment you said how you had unlearn to talk behind your mother's back.

[@khadijaaithmid5536]

luv u girl ^_^ Greetings from Morocco

[@galileansatellites]

[@jeanettearambulaperez8470]

You mentioned this is not backed by science, but it is backed by psychology, Bowen’s theory is a good example. Also you’re hilarious and I feel comfort in seeing you as a fellow eldest daughter. The way I come across to strangers could potentially be similar to you, and I’m happy with at :)

[@saraaguayo-aponte9014]

I’m the only child, so I didn’t think I was parentified…However, after therapy I realized that I was treated like their “emotional equal”. Except for the parenting siblings, I resonate with everything in this video. 😢

[@heyitsla_raib3837]

It was so difficult for me to finish this seemingly short video 🥴😮‍💨

[@marmir4852]

I’m the oldest child and daughter of an immigrant family. I was 5/6 years old when we moved and I struggled a lot of with the communicate with my parents (and still do). I never learned certain expressions in my mother tongue to express my feelings and emotions properly, so I feel my parents don’t get what I go through. And they never learned the new language to that degree. So I felt most of the time foreign and alienated. And even when I tried, my feelings got dismissed as over exaggerated.

[@lonelywhale19]

i feel seen!

[@sharongillespie587]

Being the oldest not in an immigrant family but still help my mom raise my siblings. Don’t remember being a kid .

[@no-one00]

Lol that’s why I’ve chilled. I’ve accepted the constant fire I’m experiencing and tension because of it. I mean either way I’ve experienced fire then… but they had smiled on their faces lol now they don’t 😂 but at least little by little I’m building my credit and trying to build an escape for myself

[@AD-li6dt]

I can only emphazise that if the possibility exist, move out, go your own way and love your family from a DISTANCE. Otherwise you‘ll witness your siblings pass you by, fulfill their dreams and you‘re the loyal one who holds everything together. Your parents will forgive you if you move out - mine did it eventually and I’m weigh better. The distance led to more harmony and I only see my family once a week and knowing that I have a place I can go back to does A LOT. I am 27 and have raised my siblings for 12 years and still hold most of the emotional and organizational responsibility

[@lynne1280]

not the first but second. my back hurts

[@nabeehas.2187]

I left my house and frolicked around. Everybody gotta have an that one unhinged older sister, and they're gonna label you as such no matter what you do 🤣🤣. Just gotta go be Her and shut everything out LMAO

[@Onmymons]

❤

[@DivineLove247]

Being the Eldest son is the SAME,....The Parents are eager and full of Energy to put Discipline into the 1st Child. Being the youngest is the opposite,The Parents are relaxed and Tired to put Discipline into the youngest Child.

[@jdmmg4904]

But did you also have to do all the household chores? Because if not I'd say this would be a typical difference between eldest sons and eldest daughters.

[@DivineLove247]

@@jdmmg4904 Depends what Culture you come from, IF you are from a African/ Asian Culture, Then the roles of both son and Daughter are already defined, Women are the Mothers and wife so need to learn about Home Making, Men are the Earners, so tend to learn stuff out of the house, but in a European household, as they are equal, They are trying to figure out if they want to be a man or a women.

[@hollygolightly3313]

@@DivineLove247 The difference is the eldest daughters becomes the parent to her youngest siblings, even if she has a older brother. She has to take care of him as well.

[@vain7535]

It hurts having parents put so much pressure on you, not only to raise siblings but to do super well in school bc you have more privileges than they had when they were ur age

[@lloovveellyy742]

It stills surprises me how some immigrant parents have time to bust out a baby but find every bs excuse why they "cant" learn English(example). On top of that they put EVERYTHING on the eldest child. You got time to procreate you have time to plop your ass into an ESOL class that is ABSOLUTELY FREE.

[@livearlyful]

Thanks for making this video I’m excited to watch this! Being the eldest daughter of an immigrant family suckssss it sucks even more when you and your siblings have a big age gap. When I was studying aboard I finally felt free maybe because I wasn’t expected to carry my family’s responsibilities on my shoulders for once 💀🫠

[@wilddreams6301]

I am not even an immigrant eldest daughter, I live in Pakistan and am the eldest of three siblings but I can relate so much.. :'|

[@KateeAngel]

I am an only child. I am so happy with that! The best situation to be in! And some ppl stigmatise it. Don't believe them

[@mraheem9214]

Im the youngest and my siblings didn't help with anything just bullied

[@BeansPredi-ch6xk]

The not leaving is for any child elder or youngest boy or girl. It is obviously considered shameful. Sadly I understand why. Even though I want to live alone and breathe.

[@Blue-sk7nm]

HI

[@rosejacklyn]

I think your harsh experiences is mostly associated to honor culture. Thank goodness we dont have that in my culture 😳 We do have gender roles that play a big part in what goes on in the household, but my parents always said that everyone has their own talents and personalities and so children must be raised according to that. Although I agree, being a struggle baby is a much different experience than growing up when your parents have already "made it". Im not the first born daughter but I was born pretty close after, and we have similar experiences but with enough freedom being that one didnt "need" to take care of the other. In my family theres more pressure to succeed based on personalities aka for the "smart one" to make money, for the artistic one to do something with the talent, for the funny one to always be personable and be fun, etc. But all in all, I think we can all agree that boys have a much easier time growing up. 😢 even happened in my own progressive family.

[@bleepbloop9123]

It really is just like the most dehumanizing experience

[@mimo4856]

I feel like this but I'm the second child

[@Squirrellium]

😫