The TRUTH about DEPRESSION: Stigma, Shame and Weird Symptoms

[@kelly-annmaddox]

I mention makeup in this video NOT to imply that people SHOULD be wearing any. I only mentioned it to note that many media presentations of depression show people looking very together and presentable with forethought having gone into their appearance (makeup included), which is often not the case when things are bad.

[@ultravioletpisces3666]

I don't wear makeup all the time, but I will never forget, in "a boy called it," he could tell what kind of day it was going to be (and if his mom was going to be his old nice mom or abusive towards him) based on whether or not she put on makeup. The days she did wear makeup, were the good days.

[@autumnhomer9786]

🎀I suffer from depression. But I have found that having beautiful things, be it music, photography books, playing instruments really helps.🎀

[@aliisakangas7606]

This topic is insanely good. it hits home. I wonder if anyone can relate to this traumadump: One of the worst experiences of getting help for depression is this thing where some women come up to me with sympathy, putting their hand on my shoulder saying "i know what it it's like to have a goodgirl syndrome and you try so hard that you can't even take care of yourself. i had always good grades and i've always cleaned other peoples messes and i too had a mental breakdown on my twenties and i felt awful and cried a lot." meanwhile i have undiagnosed adhd, bad grades and failed attempts in getting educated, i smell bad and my apartment has rotten food on it and i binge for self soothing and gain weight and i have no explanation on why i'm such a disgusting mess and so i think i'm just inherently worse and selfish and lazy than other people and these cleanly high achieving white thin women offer me help that makes me actually feel like my deep subconscious belief that i'm not valid in being exhausted, i'm just gross and bad, is very much proven. This being said, these kinds of high achieving women who have a different kind of depression are also valid and i know they mean well. I have gotten professional people come to my home to talk about my life and they have been visibly disgusted with me and had those naggy rants "THIS ISN'T GOING ANYWHERE WE CAN'T GET ANYTHING DONE" it felt like an affirmation to my inner monologue. like okay.. thanks. and i have no idea why messy depressed people who need the most patience and understanding, seem to get the worst type of response to their symptoms. Most healing thing honestly was to see that woman (auri katariina) who seeks the worst depression homes and cleans them for free without judgement, after that funny enough i started cleaning after 26 years of not cleaning... funny how that works

[@le2458]

I love her cleaning videos too because she does it with such loving humor and also doesn't mind sharing her kind of funny obsession with mess. It makes me realize that we're all just people with our own quirks, some of those quirks are just more "practical" than others... as a person whose ADHD went undiagnosed until seven years ago I completely relate. There can be so much pain around the issues of cleanliness, tidiness, and having it all together, especially as a woman. You are not any less valid than anyone else and everyone has their issue. I used to work for some incredibly traditionally beautiful skinny rich white ladies and they had deep deep issues. I still was jealous of certain things, but there was a lot about it that made me grateful for some of the simplicities in my life, even if it doesn't look as successful on the outside.

[@aliisakangas7606]

@@le2458 thankyou for responding and understanding my pov it means so much. It most likely gets better after we know what we're dealing with and get more tools

[@le2458]

@@aliisakangas7606 it absolutely gets better with tools! At first it hurts more to be so aware of our issues, but then you slowly realize that there are many small ways of helping yourself/getting help. I think it starts with choosing to empathize with yourself and being your own friend. Obviously it's not for everyone but psychedelic mushrooms helped me enormously on the self love path- they helped it become emotionally clear that we're all just small beans doing our best. (I know it sounds trite but I really felt the truth of it!) But I don't think you need any substances to get there

[@michelethirteenknots]

Oh my gosh, finally someone is talking about other ways depression shows up. The crying actress…? When I’m depressed, I cannot cry! That extreme messiness? my life. It’s overwhelming. And even in my darkest deepest hole, I have not wanted to die. The paradox: not wanting to live like this, but not wanting to die.

[@sarahgalea4010]

I was listening to this video while doing housework and just RAN to the comments when you mentioned communication anxiety. I absolutely experience this and have never been able to put words to it. It's not social anxiety at ALL. It's mostly just ignoring people and feeling bad about leaving people for so long. Almost like I'm "ghosting" them.

[@StacyRainwater]

Oh my gosh! This made me cry because it describes me to a t. How are you now? I had no idea the other people actually deal with this like I do. I hope you see this comment because I would love to know how you're doing with that now. I haven't talked to my best friend in about a year and I'm disgusted with myself because of it. At this point I'm afraid to even call her because well, I'm a terrible friend.

[@soniasulaiman]

I also wanted to add: point blank, depression has caused incredible pain and chaos in my life due to the mess of it all. Not having the energy to do basic hygiene, to pick up, do the dishes, to cook. All of that has made me deeply unhappy, and stressed out and ashamed.

[@brittanysteffens7239]

😢🫂

[@rachellopez8357]

You mean you don’t relate to the sad lady gazing out the window at the rain while looking forlorn and drinking a steaming mug of tea? Lol. Same. When I see images like that, I just think, shit, that looks cozy, like an ideal afternoon!

[@kelly-annmaddox]

🤣 Oh my god, Amen to this comment!

[@VerbenaComfrey]

I call that "the Marianne Dashwood". Wishing my sickness and depression was beautifully lit and filmed by Ang Lee as I suffer in lovely frocks while looking out on a beautiful green countryside shrouded in mist.

[@annebennon]

The clothes struggle, OMG yes! I really thought it was a "it's just me" kinda thing, thanks for sharing! For anybody experiencing this too, I found a way to navigate it in order to not be late for work, I'll share in case it helps you design your own strategy. Basically, I still take a ridiculous amount of time to decide what I'm going to wear, more than an hour (and it's an unpleasant hour, not like a fun let's put a special outfit together hour) but I do it during the evening. When I finally decide, I place all the clothes I need including underwear in a specific pile and I commit to it mentally. I tell myself that I'm relieved of the burden of deciding what to wear tomorrow and that I need to trust that if these clothes fit me the month before they will still do tomorrow. I tend to choose more conservative/boring outfit in order to not feel distress when I put them on in the morning. I rarely like them when I put them on, but my past self has decided and present self isn't feeling good enough and, more importantly, doesn't have the time to question the decision. This stopped me from having nightmare about my wardrobe and prevented the very real situation where I would be in total panic as I watched the clock in the morning. Overall, I think it even lowered a little bit the intensity of these highly frustrating episodes. If you read all of this really long comment, thanks and good luck with your struggles. Thanks again Kelly-Ann.

[@kenziejinx203]

very handy tip thank you!!!!!!!

[@kelly-annmaddox]

This is a wonderful idea, thank you! I recently thought about having a rail set up away from my wardrobe and draws, with a few selected items on it that I am liking at the moment, so it's not an overwhelming hunt each time, as I think it can be visually very over-stimulating. I didn't consider why I was having this thought.. It now occurs to me that I might have been devising something like the tip you just suggested, for when I can't manage. ❤️

[@thewitchyyogi9572]

This is brilliant! I am definitely going to try this 💜

[@christinec28]

My depression for sure includes the weird rabbits holes of information and also suddenly paying hyperfocused attention to drama that has nothing to do with me or my interests. Don't get me started on the Lesbian BBW cult TikTok drama that I just HAD to know about. Or the way four WEEKS I watched a lady design resin tumblers every night, and then I suddenly stopped. I agree, I think it's partly I'm feeling lonely so it's "company" that I know that won't be triggering in anyway. I also will binge nostalgic things. Golden Girls has been something I've watched over and over during this panini time. Also, my depression is definitely messy. As I sit here now, I haven't brushed or washed my hair in a week. There's a huge knotted mess in it. Something about taking care of my hair just seems SO EXHAUSTING when I'm in an episode. I've also had flies happen from not washing dishes or taking the garbage out etc. So you're not alone

[@tsulong]

The part where you talk about not knowing what you want or not feeling happy with clothes, that's some of the biggest ways that my depression manifests. And it took me way longer than it should have for me to realize it was depression, because I never realized it could be like that. I always thought depression was feeling ~sad~. Feeling ~nothing~ didn't seem like part of it. I'm so glad you mentioned this aspect of it because if I'd heard someone talk about this 20 years ago, I might be in a much better spot now. And what you've spoken about might help someone who's in the same situation I was in.

[@yunglynda1326]

Thank you Kelly ann, i really relate to this. One thing I noticed recently when I am spiraling into depression is that I cannot accept compliments, and/or certain compliments from certain people really affect me deeply, maybe too much.

[@rachellopez8357]

And, yes! The physical pain of it! People don’t talk enough about the very physical manifestations of depression, which is how I was only diagnosed with chronic depression at 40 🙄 If you’ve never felt a different way, it’s so hard to identify these experiences as abnormal, because they aren’t for the person experiencing them. And thank you, too, for talking about the mess 😭 Masking, showing up to work, being functional in all of the ways that will still enable one to pay rent doesn’t leave much energy left over for picking up 🤷‍♀️and it’s so hard not to blame yourself.

[@LouValcourt]

I totally relate to the clothes struggle and the music struggle. I don’t like anything in my closet and think it’s all junk when I’m depressed. I also lose interest in my favourite music too. It’s hard to make any decision and nothing feels quite right. Thanks for sharing and being vulnerable. It’s good to know I am not alone.

[@antwanzhane]

i just had to pause and comment on the section of the video i'm watching, love - first, THANK YOU, thank you for sharing that depression can cause drastic chaos, messiness and uncleanliness - i've experienced this numerous times - the drama of it all! but i'd also like to share something i feel a lot of us people of color or black folks experience: the absolute shame that is bred within us since childhood around the notion that black = strong, black people don't get depressed and "how dare you live in filth (like a white person); we HAVE to keep up appearances"

[@kelly-annmaddox]

Thank you so much for sharing. I guess this is related to having to seem 'respectable' in the white gaze? Do you think it's also about not letting anything 'break you', kind of thing? Like, standing strong perpetually in the face of so much ill-treatment over so many generations? (Sorry if this is not appropriate to ask, love.) 💗 I can totally see how this other layer of programming may affect opening up to others or even admitting depression to oneself. Your cycle-breaking process is sacred as fuck. x

[@littlechickenwing8028]

Wow as a black teenager this comment really reasonated with me.before I was ashamed of not upkeeping my surroundings because of depression or even admitting that I had depression since talking to a health professional and confirming that I do infact suffer from depression.

[@antwanzhane]

@@kelly-annmaddox i think it does play down to having to appear a certain way in the white gaze as a black person - and, yes, my childhood experience--esp as the oldest of five--was trained around "nothing can break me, admit no flaws, etc." - and it also plays out to the fact that we as black people in particular have no precedents or healthy role models as to salvaging our mental health or accepting our vulnerabilities - our parents don't, our grandparents don't, and on and on until we sew and help confirm the generational curses that bind us black mental health has been so treacherously neglected and abandoned (down to the fact that we don't even have access to clinics, centers, courses, psychiatrists or psychologists [if we wan't to work with them] unless we go downtown or to the white parts of the grid or own computers or if we are willing to basically sale our souls for the $$$ to pay for such services) - we are raised to be uncritically strong (because our ancestors have had to be), to view mental distortion & depression as a myth or as a serious character flaw and to hold space for literally everyone else except ourselves thank you for having the courage to ask these questions: i know it's not easy

[@antwanzhane]

@@littlechickenwing8028 it's my hope that you currently (or will soon) have folks close to you in which you can confide these parts of your lived experiences - we as black folks are worthy of empathy too; we deserve to have healthier mental health experiences on this planet!

[@QueXLcior]

Thanks for speaking up

[@studionightshade]

I resonate with A LOT of this. O_O Even the dark research binges or weird rabbit holes of internet drama. Shopping absolutely. I've run up my credit card debt to a depressing level since January 2021... I'm getting better, but still. I'm anxious about how to get out of debt now.

[@teslagoth9401]

You will get out of debt and it will feel amazing :)

[@shaunaraetarot]

Me too, sacredmeow 💚 We can clear the debt. It will just take time 🙏

[@sarahawkins7104]

Rabbit holes and obsessions are my thing and then I wonder what was going on.

[@ThestarryeyedHermit]

omfg I struggle with depression as a part of my ✨borderline pd✨ and shit gets incredibly messy! The communication anxiety has been so bad that I’ve had full blown meltdowns because the feeling phone rang or I got a msg, it can feel incredibly scary and shameful on every level. Shame kinda eats you up in so many ways, it makes me feel useless because of the fatigue, isolation, being unhelpful… the list goes oh! And yeah there’s so much pain around feeling like you’re not being extended the same compassionate and effort you’re giving (REALLY fuels those pesky abandonment issues😅) Basically yes to this whole video, thank youuuu :) would love to hear more about your XP with Hypomania

[@thedepressionmuse-fionatat73]

"One Woman Elite Fighting Force Against Depression!" I fucking love this! It explains my strategy for managing the demon Depression so well. There's so many things in this video that I can relate to and it is indeed a huge relief to know that I'm not the only one that does these things. I'm also thrilled I found this vid now when I'm in the middle of my latest visitation from the demon. I've been living with this since childhood too, and I'm now 52. I've also recently decided to make it my business and one of the things I too am adamant about is the need for Depression to be an every day conversation. The fact that there is still stigma around it, is ridiculous. And disgusting. Of the many things you mentioned here that made me go "Oh yeah, that's me," the obsession about celebrities stuck in my mind. It took me ages to recognize one episode I had due to the fact that I was completely obsessing over Peter Steele (To be fair, there's a lot there to obsess about). I just thought I'd found a new hobby. Thank you for this Kelly-Ann, it's very descriptive and very helpful for those of us that live with the demon and for people who love those of us that live with the demon.

[@ladysmall9853]

When you talked about nostalgia what came up for me was something kind of adjacent (I think). I have always had a very strong imagination. I have "other selves" that I mentally slip into as a kind of mental fanfic or original story idea. I know the difference between that and reality and I don't actually think I AM that character outside of my mindscape. A few months ago I saw an article describing this under the name "maladaptive daydreaming". Not a very positive sounding name for something that got me through a rather lonely childhood. I am trying to notice the circumstances around times when I feel a greater pull into this mental version of myself and which one or what scenarios keep coming up within them. Right now my primary mental character keeps showing up in a scenario that, while not terrible or even dangerous, is not one that she would have chosen without huge outside pressures. I think this speaks to fears I have about many aspects of living in the U.S. at this time. Like I'm trying to make it more palatable somehow.

[@lillianvelez2277]

I think my weirdest depression issue is like I kind of forget about my body. I just forget that it needs stuff to keep living. I forget that other people perceive my body. Concepts like beautiful or ugly or anything like that-it all gets sucked down the hole of anhedonia I’m autistic and ADHD, so sometimes my depression, oddly enough, looks like work ethic, because work is all I know to do. At one point this hyper fixation turned into a full blown eating disorder. When I tell people how I feel they don’t believe me, because I’m still being useful. So then I crash, and everyone is confused. And I feel so weak

[@kelly-annmaddox]

I'm glad you mentioned this because my one regret about this video is not fully explaining what I mean by being 'disembodied'. And what you say in this comment is exactly it! I don't know when I'm hungry or dehydrated, and when I do realise it, I may decide not to care. I also sometimes realise my bladder is hurting from needing to pee for hours and not realising. That kind of thing.

[@antwanzhane]

pausing again - (i'll try not to overload your comment section) - but it's been such a learning experience for me to not make any--as you say--executive decisions when i'm depressive - i used to burn important things, destroy sacred things to my craft, sabotage and on and on--just because in my sunken state, NOTHING made sense to keep; nothing attached to those brighter spaces and memories (because the depression seemed so much more "authentic" than, you know, my brain embracing the dualism of authenticity) - i've definitely had to get dressed and present myself and have felt my wardrobe is just yuck (knowing that my style is wicked, if i say so myself)

[@millie7694]

Thank you so much for sharing your experience. This has really helped me understand my daughters depressive episodes and help her through these very dark times. ❤️

[@lrhamorgaia]

I felt so seen by this! I took a day before I watched it because I wasn't in the right head space. It made me cry, in the best way. Surprise Surprise. Talk about dismorphia. Talk about The Wiz. Thank you Kelly-ann!

[@crazybunnylady]

Thank you, thank you, THANK YOU for mentioning the messiness and ugliness of depression, and sharing your own experiences with it! I feel like that is one of the most socially unaccepted symptoms of depression, or at least it is one that has caused me the most shame. I am currently on a path to recovery, with the diagnosis of depression and bpd in my pocket, and I'm at that point where I try to relearn how to take care of my home after years of struggling. It was so relieving and validating to hear you talk about that issue.

[@kit5730]

Oh my goddess, I've never connected my clothing issue with my depression, but duh. As for people not responding to your struggles the way you respond to theirs ... I'm surrounded by that. Even one of the most empathic people I know cannot put himself in someone else's shoes. He is unable to be there emotionally. Night and day when it comes to being empathic vs having empathy. My knee-jerk, "negative" emotional response is always to feel small, unseen, unworthy. I see this behavior in so many people; rationally, I understand it is them, but emotionally, ugh, it's another layer on the cake of my shame. Thank you for making this video, as usual, you've made this person feel a little less alone and/or different.

[@LCtheCurious]

In over 20 years of chronic depression with periods of seriously debilitating depressive episodes, this is the first time I’ve ever heard another person describe their depression in a way that feels familiar to my own experience. Thank you so much. I don’t know if you can ever understand how much this means to me. I suddenly feel understood and not alone.

[@kelly-annmaddox]

❤️❤️❤️

[@sambucus.nox93]

i can relate to the *friends or acquaintance contact ^ i wish i could talk normal to them, but i would leave the message unread for days cuz i dont know what to say... dont want to pretend, but dont want to let them know that i am not good, cuz i dont want to appear week. and if they visit unannounced or with me knowing, i have to listen to something like : you dont seem depressed, cuz i was laughing about something or my flat was clean cuz i procrastinated my important paperwork with excessive cleaning. its hard to find someone who understands. on top i am self employed and have to deal with costumers, pretending im cool to sell my art. its fucking hard. i am glad someone i started to follow cuz of magic related stuff turns out to understand so much more about the whole experience to be a witch and wants to be one despite all the mental flaws. thank you so much. and by the way, your humor rocks.❤

[@katatarot597]

I just needed someone to speak about this right now, as I felt I'm alone with my depression. I've lost two people at once recently and feel really lonely too. It's all so dark. Thank you so much for sharing your experience in such detail. Really important 🌹🌹

[@russellstephen6998]

I actually used this vid as a bit of a housework ramble. I’ve been somewhat depressed lately and was able to get some dishes and light tidying done. I’ve also noticed a big correlation to phone use and depression. A big step for me was getting better at realizing when it crosses the line from distraction to doom scrolling. Thanks for the vid ❤️

[@bonnyevaknuktan3219]

thank you so much my darling. in my depressed episodes i didn´t shower for days at a time. when best friend died i didn´t shower ones for two weeks. i just couldn´t do anyting. i fell back in bad habbits, i smelled the whole nine yards. i watched many of your videos and they really helped me. just being you. so thank you.

[@mixtresskatgranquist9898]

Im so glad you mentioned the ocd and cleanlyness thing. I cling to house cleaning when im depressed because when my mind is a dumpster fire i can have control of my environment. To some extent my body even as i over exercise in these periods too. What i neglect is household organisation, if its realy bad i can sink hundreds of hours into vidio games as a form of escapisim . Im one of those depressed assholes that look like i have it together but i realy dont. It makes it so hard to be seen.

[@ladyamalthea85]

Haven't had lunch once this week, so this helped inspire me to organise something. Thank you. My depression is worsening due to worsening chronic fatigue syndrome and we're running out of things that help. I managed to organise it so that my lunch came just before the video finished, amazing timing.

[@kelly-annmaddox]

❤️❤️❤️

[@peanutbutternose]

Kelly-Ann I am interested in how you feel about connecting with your spiritual practice especially your cards during these times. I avoid certain things but accept and trust that this will change 🙂 (I'm in my early 50's) and self-acceptance has been my focus recently.

[@steffymuze]

Same. I recently turned 50 and dealing with this too

[@peanutbutternose]

@@steffymuze 💜

[@bethflynn5342]

I can relate to so much of this. It’s so very very painful. For me, the isolation is the worst. When I am depressed I can’t make plans or reach out, though that’s when I need people the most. Then, when people do call, I can’t make myself answer the phone. I just came out of a depressive episode-thank god. Thank you, Kelly-Anne.

[@shaunaraetarot]

Hugs!!!!!

[@OakRaven]

Thank you, these are conversations we need to have to break down the stigma around mental health.

[@stormfire1995]

Thank you for making this video as a real person who suffers from depression so often we see these doctors that make these clinical videos about it but not everyone is a clinical case and hearing a real individual talk about there experience really is a step in the right direction to tear down the stigmas. THANK YOU!!!!❣️❣️❣️

[@derek9301]

for me the worse things are about depression are loss of time, or poor sense of time, psychotic symptoms such as visual distortions and mild delusions, lack of energy and irritability. most of all, the capitalistic unsympathetic culture we live in that doesn't make room for people to fall apart! :-( been watching since 2014, i found you because of your mental health videos and I still love you! get well!

[@kerricantelupe8337]

Oof. I feel this one. I have a combination of ADHD and Autism, and keeping my house clean is hard when I feel good. I’m honestly ashamed of how gross the house gets when I’m in a burnout or depressed. It’s awful how little sympathy there is for these symptoms.

[@kelly-annmaddox]

❤️❤️❤️

[@imdivyamenon]

@44:16 that's what she said... I become sort of like a court jester when I'm depressed - using humor as a shield for everything and praying I don't fall apart crying. I start questioning the "I" in my speech and written communications a lot and in general being very self conscious. These days I'm keeping tabs of my shopping impulses - it's just a piece of paper with tally marks and no heading... I bet it's keeps other people of their toes wondering what it means lol Some music recommendations: Boris - flood and Alcest - écailles de lune (both full albums)

[@messynaturedweller]

Just wanted to tell you that the whole fly infestation, entire home looking like someone threw in a garbage bomb, being afraid to go to the dentist because your personal hygiene has gone out the window. I am there. Dont feel ashamed, love. Me and my partner are both burnt out and depressed. Ive been in a major depression for almost 4 years now. And its a daily struggle. Right now i havent showered for a week and a half. I brushed my teeth 2 days ago. There are more dirty dishes than clean, old food in the fridge that i cant bring myself to clean out. And we recently had a fucking swarm of those small fruit flies thingies. My body has lost so much muscle mass its all mostly just fat at this point because i spend all my days in bed. Its what happens. Im right there with you. There is no shame in being ill. Much love ♡ Edit: also,thank you for making this video. It really helped me feel less alone and less ashamed too. Edit 2: sorry if this sounded odd or yknow. Im also autistic and not great with how to formulate myself in text, but i felt the need to comment to let you know youre not alone, even in the worst, because you made me feel less alone.

[@aryadler8776]

💚 sending lots of love

[@messynaturedweller]

@@aryadler8776 thank you sm♡

[@SemplicementeSE]

Thank you. 🙏❤️☀️

[@heatherwhiteman352]

I needed to hear this. I have been suffering for months. It is nice to know that some of the things like my home and personal neglect are things only I go through

[@rewfrog]

Very apt to bring up the false economy of treating someone a certain way and expecting the same in return, it can be very painful. These insights are great, I used to struggle most with biting up my fingernails and cuticles. Tuning out and having a hard time being in my body are also familiar.

[@k.m.woestman246]

32:44 main, I get that situation now more... had a younger roommate act like this. It felt like the world was saying I'm wrong for being a nice person 😕 and wrong for standing up for myself too but I overcame those shadows and she moved out

[@EvelynAlice7]

Thank you for this video Kelly-Ann. So important to share these things. I find it troubling that depression is almost used a throwaway word at times taking away the validity of the illness. Also I’ve lost a couple of friends due to my mental health. Having people leave you behind because they can’t cope with you isn’t a good feeling. Especially when you extend that same hell and compassion to them during their tough times. thank you again, so important ♥️

[@marcwood7727]

Thank you dealing with depression at this time .....

[@savyjett]

Thank you for talking about the mess, that’s my depression too.

[@lillianvelez2277]

I applaud your bravery, Kelly-Ann. Thank you.

[@kelly-annmaddox]

Thank you so much. This one was defo a bit scary!

[@thewitchyyogi9572]

As soon as you mentioned the clothes I was nodding my head in agreement so hard. I never attributed my struggle with clothing as part of my depression, but hearing you mention it I’m realizing it is definitely one of my symptoms. It’s like a vicious cycle. I’m in a dark wave so I hate how my body looks, I hate all of my clothes, I feel like nothing looks good or fits well, so I in turn hate my clothing and body even more taking me deeper into depression. Every time I have to pick out clothing it’s excruciating and usually a very lengthy process. I’m definitely going to add this as a mental note so I’m more mindful of it next time a depressive episode hits.

[@CreativeArtandEnergy]

I can understand these things and appreciate you sharing insight. For me it’s the looping and keeping my physical strength going. I just not a chiropractor who spent 5 days in a row with me like in this wave of relief recently, but it’s been deep work regarding physical and emotional strength.

[@irisiperle3369]

For me, this is one of the very most valuable videos that I have ever listened to. Your articulation and the way that you communicate is easy for me to understand. I feel how you have discussed. I am so depressed. Thank you so much for YOU☀️💜☀️🤍 You are a Gem and a life saver ☀️🤍 I love you for your understanding and sympathy and honesty🤍 I need to get back on track with counseling with you. Ironically, my depression caused me to quit.

[@jasmine1014]

This just might be one of favourite videos you have made. I feel way less shame and feeling alone in my experiences with depression after watching this. I relate to the flies and the absolute mess I’d make over time. I’d cover my floor and bed covered in mess with blankets, shoving it to one side as much as I could when I finally let myself sleep. I’ve wasted so much time listening to silly commentary videos about KZbin drama so I wouldn’t feel alone and to distract my inner dialogue from dark cycles. I think the most interesting one is the amounts of times I’ve donated large chunks of my wardrobe. Reflecting back on it, it was usually based off of colour and comfort. If at the time of my depressive episode I was feeling deep sadness, lack of hope, and loneliness, I would purge my dark, badass gothy clothing, keeping pastel and muted colours and comfortable oversized pieces. If I was feeling restless and agitated, the opposite would happen and I’d angrily purge my cute kitty sweaters and lavender sweatpants. So much regret either way!

[@marmalade9104]

Only time when I was seriously depressed and didn't have a mess, was when I would come home from work and I would just cry. Thank you for talking about all those hard things, it is good to know that some things, like having a thin path across the room between all the stuff on the floor, is part of depression and not part of personality. It's comforting to know that I'm not really a slob, I'm just depressed. It can get confusing when someone who likes to clean just stops.

[@teresastorms3774]

Thank you for allowing yourself to be so vulnerable about this subject. I connected with almost everything you said with my own struggle with depression. I'm not sure, but I feel as though my entire life from college to now has been just surviving with it and never really getting a handle on it. The chaos, cluttered and sometimes downright filthy living conditions only seem to.get better for short bursts of time. I feel more like I live depressed all the time and just have bouts of feeling sort of okay. Is that just me? The pandemic made it worse because I work from home now (which I love) and can order groceries,or anything else without ever needing to leave. I could go on and on here, but I will stop now. I'm glad to hear someone else talking about what depression is REALLY like, and that I'm not all alone or the only person dealing with this. Thank you so much. Love to you, dear. 💜

[@maremaria6856]

Thank you for talking about this in this real and raw manner. This helps me with being more compassionate towards myself. ♥️

[@michaelurvoy]

Hello, Kelly-Ann. I hope that you are well. As someone who also lives with depression I am always interested in hearing other people's experiences. Thank you for displaying such bravery in opening up about this.

[@FablesDen]

Watching your video bit by bit for the last week..I have never been clinically diagnosed but I relate to everything you are saying and have pretty much all of those symptoms...💀 E.g. endlessly scrolling, communication anxiety, consumerism/shopping sprees, completely muted desires and inability to make decisions, feeling like a big blah, hating the clothes I already have, feeling like a bucket of sadness....💔💔💔 I take comfort + draw strength from what you said: "I am an elite army of one". I am starting to call myself the same 💖💕

[@shaunaraetarot]

The nightmares…so many nightmares and crappy sleep. Sigh. People thinking you’re pretending, or just telling you to get over it. Living in a mess and not being able to clean myself, yes. Oh dear, spending lots of money I don’t have on things. I can empathize with so much of this!

[@rgwood2381]

Never have I related to a video so much- I want to thank you for being so honest about the chaos and honestly grotty elements of depression. Mine manifests mainly in not being able to keep up with any hygiene or cleaning, which I carry so much shame about! I’ve never heard anyone address this so frankly, so THANK YOU!

[@dylangarcia8180]

Definitely feel the communication anxiety. Haven’t responded to my families messages in almost a month now. Some others I want to respond to but I don’t know how to jump in to the hopscotch of mobile communication. I definitely feel not knowing what music to listen to. And the not sleeping at night hits hard during my depressive episodes.

[@rachellopez8357]

I can’t wait to watch! I have asymptomatic depression, which often manifests in severe physical symptoms--namely exhaustion-but also forgetfulness! It’s so weird. I know that my mental health is declining when I forget basic appointments, promises I made, etc., despite having a planner. Love to you 💗

[@soniasulaiman]

Wow, I've been trying to get my psychiatrist to believe me about the forgetfulness! It's nice to know it's not just me.

[@rachellopez8357]

@@soniasulaiman it’s definitely a thing. I’ve read about it, too. I’m sorry you’re dealing with it! It’s frustrating.

[@lillianvelez2277]

Oh wow. Me, too. Literally one year I could not remember my siblings’ birthdays. I’d been wishing them happy birthday for 20+ years and just forgot

[@mysticgoddesshazel]

I was feeling down today, as I too lost my brother a couple of months ago and today is his birthday. Thank you so much for this video, I’m about to watch it now. Many Blessings to you and sending you so much love💜💜💜

[@zammyb4535]

Just wanted to jump on to send you a ((hug)). I’m so deeply sorry for your loss.

[@mysticgoddesshazel]

@@zammyb4535 thank you so much ❤️❣️

[@witchofthewilds4705]

Thank you for speaking so candidly, not many people bring me to tears and I do really appreciate it. There is such a loneliness in the more shameful parts of depression and to hear you speak so frankly about not only your experiences, but the shame you’ve felt attached to it it, is such a balm to my own personal shames and is so true to my experience, I just appreciate it so much. Love from a fellow member of the corner of the bed club ❤ eternal blessings

[@caitlinprice6525]

I relate to this very much. I have a bipolar 2 diagnosis and believe I have fairly rapid cycling. The hypomanic episodes vary, from just sometimes I get very focused and high performing at work/not needing sleep, to mood irritability and stuff like that. The depressive episodes are a lot more noticeable and pronounced and impact my life a lot more profoundly. I’ve been able to cope with it better over the years since my diagnosis and becoming sober. I was initially misdiagnosed for a period of almost ten years with major depression and was taking an ssri which turned out to be very activating and just aggravated my mental illness. I almost feel like every time I go into a depressive episode it manifests itself slightly differently and I know I just have to get through it to the other side because I have before. It sucks every time.

[@shannonpotts2846]

I related to a lot of these things (especially the grey days at the onset and outset of an episode) but the clothes thing!! Dude, it was like listening to my own inner monologue trying to get dressed on my worst days, it is so incredibly frustrating and I will 100% be late for something (which is anathema to me) because it is imperative for my functionality to find something to wear in which I am comfortable. I don't even care how it looks, it just has to FEEL right....

[@ollieoxenfre7093]

Amazing to hear someone who shares so many of the same symptoms talk so openly. I feel a little less bad about following the drama channels now. My favorite method of procrastination seems to be deep dive researching anything but the things I really need to be reading up on. I really relate to the communication anxiety too. I think it's also fairly common to not be able to get water down without a significant effort. My depression prep is to stock up on a variety of flavored waters and teas, as well as paper plates when I feel it coming on. Great video, thank you

[@BryACam]

I have been really going through it for a while. You randomly popped into my head so I came to your channel and felt urged to watch this video. It resonated a lot but hopefully you are feeling better now. We just have to take it day by day or even hour by hour when going through such dark waves.

[@MinimalSymphony]

It was hard to watch this video, it was hard to watch you get emotional but i'm glad that i did because it felt like a close, intimate talk with an understanding friend and in these ocassions i feel there's not much to do other than let it pass through me and try to stay afloat and other people really can't give me more than their listening and their validation but that only, is like a huge deal and sometimes is all i need. This video gave me lots of validation and companionship. You will never understand how key your prescence has been in my path of growth and healing as for many other people, thanks for being here even when it's difficult. Love you a lot.

[@violetflame5290]

Wow..Kelly Ann, I could relate to this so much. And I am soo beyond grateful for you and to have come across your channel almost a decade now! 💕 I got chills when you mentioned the listlessness. I've experienced this since I was a child but I never actually knew what it was..I guess my best way to articulate it at the time was that I was "disassociating". But I also struggled with "selective mutism" as a child too...on top of all of the depression, anxiety, and active traumatic events I was experiencing. Yes..omg..I STILL experience listlessness and was just reflecting on this symptom the other day and I felt so alone with it. The way you described it as "giving yourself a break from reality" hit me so hard! I thought I was alone and alienated because of this but it was actually just a harmless symptom of my trauma/depression. Very clarifying. Thank you so much. And thank you for helping us not feel so alone. ❤️ Also, I've struggled with dermatophagia, picking the skin on my fingers, since I was 4 yrs old. Yes, 4 yrs old..looking back, I can't believe I was like tearing my poor sweet skin at such a young age.. To this day I still struggle with it and have to wear bandaids or get my nails done frequently just to avoid doing it. Playing instruments helps. It's definitely an awful condition, and difficult to treat when you have anxiety. And during extreme stressful events in my life, it's only worse and it hinders my everyday life really. Thank you for sharing this. Because that's another aspect of my depression that normally I would not feel comfortable discussing with people. Thank you for making us feel safe here. 💜

[@leighannenight]

Every. Word. You said. So f**kin close to my experience. I can't tell you how meaningful it is to have someone like you who is so respected and articulate share these experiences. The shame part is so difficult for me. One difference I have is that I can't always tell when a depressive episode is coming on. I think right now my norm is that grey space you talked about...in other words I'm in a long term depressive episode. Feeling happy makes me feel ashamed sometimes and I have to remind myself that it isn't true, and that can lead into a catch 22 of self loathing/a feeling that I am not trustworthy,like, how could it not be true? It's crazy what your mind does during these times. Thank you so much for sharing this! And thank you to your patrons who picked it out.

[@chariswaters1900]

This hit me so hard. I identified with so many of the things - especially the messiness. Love you Kelly-Ann!! Thanks for sharing ❤️❤️❤️

[@melscienerf5977]

Pretty much everything you're saying has me nodding along. Ironically I hadn't managed to watch this, hadn't seen much of your stuff pop up on KZbin for the past few months.... Because my depression has been being a bugger and my viewing has changed accordingly. Thankyou Kelly-Ann, thankyou for being so honest and for reminding me I'm not alone in these damn awful feelings and ways of being when in depression. I'm looking around my house at the mess and seeing it for what it truly is, for the first time in what feels like a long time. So much love to you dear lady xx

[@SaoirseGraves]

While I do not experience clinical depression I do have a long and very winding history with mental health problems... so I too get afraid of the likelihood of nightmares, sleep avoidant at night, and very prone to day naps. Also, in terms of internet rabbit holes I get stuck watching homecoming and pregnancy announcement videos (and im happily child free person too!) ... anything that features peak family experiences. It feels nice for all of 10 min to see their joy but QUICKLY gets toxic because its the opposite of my lived experience. 🖤

[@jessplanninglife6488]

Darling heart, thank you so much for this video, it is going to help more people in more ways than you could possibly imagine. Thank you for shining your light and your darkness onto our paths, to help us navigate our own. Much love 💛

[@annaarwen4345]

Thank you so much for putting yourself above the parapet for your viewers 💗 I suffer high functioning dep. I can clean (hyper clean sometimes) and can do all the "normal" life stuff to an extent on automatic. But inside is where the mess is. For too many yrs i didnt realise i was suffering PTSD and depression, all I can say is the core of me was numb but also there was a storm inside me that I was containing until i couldnt. I DID feel other emotions but like you say its in a weird disassociated way. Coming out of so many yrs in this state Im only just learning how to experience in body, and trusting myself is a long complicated road.

[@ellen-]

Thank you for sharing! The messiness/ugliness part was good to hear from someone else. I experience untold amounts of shame around personal hygiene and self-sufficiency. The "should" statements about them are a plague to me. Even those depression medication commercials with the cartoon characters are too put-together for me to relate to.

[@claremiller9979]

Thank you for this, I'm one of those people who it actually helps to hear about other's experiences, it definitely makes me feel less alone and, in turn, a bit better - even when things are really bad. The symptom I get that is very rarely talked about is anger. I don't stop cleaning the house but boy am I fucking pissed about it. Everyone annoys me, my children annoy me more than usual (and try as I might, I can't always keep it away from them, that would be like telling me to never cry in front of them if I were a crying-type, any I don't think it's necessarily helpful either). I am full of resentment and hate all the shitty things in the world. No one really ever talks about it because female anger is such a huge no-no, and male anger is seen either as a character flaw or just a part of being a man, depending on how toxic your brand of masculinity is. It's never talked about as a depression symptom even though it is acknowledged as one by psychological studies. I also get the "nothing feels good or fun" lack-of-feelings, I can tell that I'm skirting depression right now because of both of these symptoms in particular happening even though I've been on long-awaited leave for a few weeks now. It's very annoying. I don't know if this Grey Bookend will inevitably lead to my own Dark Wave just yet, I've never noticed that much of a pattern for myself, but I will keep going to the gym, and trying to eat ok, sleeping enough but not too much, and know that those rageful feelings aren't necessarily reality (either of the world around me or of myself as a hateful person) but could just be the depression trying to drag me down Thanks again Kelly-Ann, your insight as always is invaluable.

[@VerbenaComfrey]

Thank you for your honesty. I have had the same fears about dentist visits, and I definitely know the lack of self care moving to lack of caring for one's body at all.

[@jessmarie8850]

Only at 22 minutes and I relate sooooo much. Thank you Kelly-Ann

[@jessmarie8850]

45 and I've had some crazy experiences, going through one right now 😕

[@jessmarie8850]

I feel heard and not alone by watching this ❤️ I guess that also means you are heard and are not alone 🥰

[@shaunaraetarot]

Yes! So good to feel heard. 💚

[@zebulonswearingen4607]

I sometimes feel better about people than they’re comfortable with, then I’ll have nothing to do with them, out of embarrassment. Rather than communicating with them enough, I get stuck in my own head. I often think they’ll mistreat me and often they don’t. I often feel differently about the same things; I’ll enjoy things more one time then another. My memory and concentration are good, then they’re not, then they’re good again. I’ve written large parts of novels and then thrown them away. I’ve found ways to cope, I’ve never been diagnosed with something. I’m not sure that things I’ve described would classify as a diagnosis or not. I’m a lonely person, a single dad of an autistic son. Thank you for this vid. It cheered me up and was helpful. There were some other things you described that sounded familiar. Different but similar. “The Godfather” by Mario Puzo helped. Channels like this (witches) help quite a lot. I work out and do yoga. That helps. I’ve had a long time career, that helps but is also lonely, not many people with things in common and some people I’m embarrassed to re-approach. I’ve never said these things before but it also feels actually ok. I’m usually more articulate but this time I just wrote right outside of my head. I think in this case , I accept it.

[@whichcraftnow]

"My depression has caused fly infestations..." Sister, I HEAR YOU! Hahaha! It's absolutely awful, and no one gets it unless they've gone through it. It's a constant struggle, and that first indication or realization that it's coming on? Oh, the dread. And how long will it last this time? Mid-40s now, and along with the depression and anxiety, let's just go ahead and mix in some cptsd and agoraphobia into the mix, because why not? Shit wasn't already fun enough, right? You have no IDEA how much I needed to hear this. I'm not saying that I'm glad that you deal with it, because it's horrible, and I wouldn't wish that mental anguish on anyone, but the fact that there is a single other person on the planet who can even begin to understand, put into words, or relate in ANY way, somehow makes it feel less lonely and burdensome for some strange reason. Thank you for this ❤️

[@kelly-annmaddox]

❤️❤️❤️❤️

[@autumnsmith3585]

I hear about the mess. You are Not alone. You are Not alone. 💗💗💌💗💗 A good number of things I can relate to, Especially the dark research rabbit holes. It gets bad. Definitely looking forward to your Nostalgia video, and your diagnosis.

[@Reienroute]

There is soooo much I could comment on here, but since I'm going through an especially rough time myself, I don't feel like I want to type out that many words. One thing I'll say though is a lot of what you talk about sounds like anhedonia to me rather than alexithymia, or maybe a combination of the two? It's also nice to see someone using their experience with depression as a way of gaining empathy. I feel like that's pretty rare, and like you mention, it often leaves you without anyone to return the favor. Feels less lonely knowing other people are willing to turn their dark side into another person's bright side.

[@kelly-annmaddox]

Thanks for this comment. In reply to the part where you said, 'what you talk about sounds like anhedonia to me rather than alexithymia' - it is definitely both, at different times. The feeling of not being able to derive joy from something I would usually love is definitely there, but it is distinct from the times when I know I am feeling stuff but have no idea what it is.. It's so interesting to know that I have that combination of experiences, for sure, and I think a lot of people do. x

[@ultravioletpisces3666]

Oh my gosh the nostalgia thing! I don't think I ever connected it but yes sometimes I can't deal!!

[@Scentyland]

Thank you for this video. Can relate to a lot. 🙏🏼💚

[@achilleus9918]

this is interesting to me - i relate to some of what you've said, but i don't relate to enough of it that it helps confirm that i haven't been depressed. other people have described me as depressed, or referred to my experiences as depression, but i've always kind of known that that's not what it is. but i do have quite bad anxiety, and that can be exhausting - up late at night looking at google maps or rereading messages to be 100% sure i know where i have to go and when, walking the long way somewhere because i was too anxious to deal with public transport and i can't drive, etc. simply being anxious takes a toll on your body, and it's mentally exhausting. that leads to a level of tiredness that can look like depression; i almost relate to when people say "the things that used to make me happy don't anymore" but it's not apathy for me, it's the way anxiety seeps into every aspect of my life and taints everything - it's like everything i touch turns to shit and suddenly my favourite music is ruined because it's the music i was listening to when i wrote that email that came off wrong or someone online said they thought that band was stupid or... etc. the other thing, though, is that i'm autistic, and i experience sensory overload and (luckily quite mild) shutdowns related to the sensory overload and to the anxiety caused by simply being autistic in a world that wasn't built for people like me. when i'm in sensory overload, i feel exhausted and overwhelmed, like i just want to hide away somewhere quiet and dark and ideally just go to sleep or otherwise escape all sensory input. if i'm with family when it happens, it turns into irritability as a defense mechanism, same way my anxiety does. but as soon as i'm in an environment that feels safe, if either the sensory overload was severe or i'm not yet out of the overwhelming situation, i shut down. if i'm home, that looks like crawling into bed and not being able to bring myself to get up for anywhere between half an hour and five hours. if i'm out, then i just stop talking and stop being able to interact with my surroundings, i often end up covering my head and closing my eyes and closing in on myself entirely. my close friends understand what's happening, but people in the past who didn't get it have often assumed that my tiredness, irritability, etc are depression. neglecting your needs as an autistic person for too long can cause burnout, and that also looks like depression but if you try to treat it as you would treat depression it makes it worse - the best thing to do is rest, not to go out more and socialise more. when i'm overwhelmed and nearing burnout i don't want to do anything, not because i'm not interested or enthusiastic about things, but because going out usually requires that i mask my autistic traits such as by not stimming or making sure i do all the neurotypical communication things like small talk and, and that's exhausting - and going out means dealing with the cognitive overload of travelling (bus timetables?! finding my way round a busy city or a train station?!), or working out what the hell neurotypical people are trying to say when they only talk in inferences and knowing looks... etc. but people see that i'm tired and not doing much and feeling low and they go "oh, you're depressed, you should get out more and get out of your comfort zone to snap out of the low mood"

[@pastichehaus]

Omg. This is me. All of it. I watch shows I like on repeat day in and day out. Over and over again. I also go down rabbit holes a lot on social media about topics I don’t care about….like really Morphe has filed for bankruptcy…I normally wouldn’t care, but I had to get to the bottom of it and watch every video under the sun about it. I do a lot of journaling and trying to get lost in it, I’ve been buying things off Amazon like I won the lottery, I bought tarot cards and I have no clue what to do with them. (But I love them and need them). No one knows how I am, but everyone in my life has an attitude like “ahhh just get over it!” I also hate all my clothes, I have a bag for donations as we speak, I even want to get into “reselling” but haven’t the energy to start. Which makes me feel worse. Everyone else gets the best version of me that I can muster up and I leave the shit for me. Luckily I’m alone 95% of the time, I hated that for a few years but now I prefer it. Ooof, I’m sorry I had a brain dump on your video, I was going to delete it, but maybe someone can relate. Don’t get me wrong, sometimes I’m ok, I can fake it amazingly especially because Id hate to be a Debbie downer. Sorry. Thanks for your content. It’s just that I’ve never heard anyone put me into words like you have. Thanks again. Much ❤

[@kelly-annmaddox]

Fascinating thoughts. Wait. Morphe filed for bankruptcy? Ok, I'll join you right down in that 🐇 🕳 in just a second!! 😆

[@pastichehaus]

@@kelly-annmaddox 🤣 thanks for everything. 💕🔮

[@Zullala]

I hate nostalgia. It feels like I'm dying when I start to think of the past. My past was quite lovely and honestly so is my present. It's not like my memories are bad or scary; it's just the feeling of nostalgia that sends me spiraling. I'm suddenly very aware of how fast life is moving by. It'll quickly go from a nice memory of me hanging out with my friends only to dwell on the fact that some of them are dead and others I rarely speak to if at all anymore. I'm thrust into the mindset where everything decays abd fades. The people I love and cherish today will be dead and gone tomorrow. My own life will feel like a candle flame consuming a short wick. When I'm dying life will feel so short and while I'm dying I'll only have nostalgia because there will be no future and my present is barely there. This angel of death who's trying to sooth me with hugs and kisses, but all I'll feel is the sting of their icy touch. I'm miserable in the past and miserable in the future. I only feel at peace in the present.

[@aastrolowitch1257]

I've never been to a professional to verify anything for me but I do relate to you with randomly getting obsessed with some arbitrary thing and staying up late research it or having videos constantly playing about some drama I don't care about, and I definitely relate to the bouts of not know what I want to listen to, watch, or read and nothing hitting the spot when I try to just pick something. I don't relate to the clothing thing though, when I'm going through it I couldn't give 💩💩 about what im wearing or what I look like, considering my acne is probably flared up from poor hygiene anyway, And my face probably has huge wounds from me digging obsessively at a pimple that was not ready to pop

[@autimarie]

Back for a re-watch. Forever grateful for you 🖤

[@kelly-annmaddox]

Sending love and strength ❤️‍🩹💪

[@candicerogers-siers8136]

Depression gets messy ...TRUTH! You don't see the mess inside...TRUTH! I still think you are an amazing person 💙 Haha...the little corner of the bed... burrowing like a little animal...same! So much of your experience I've felt too! Thank you for the words I didn't have before to describe it. ❤️🧡💛💚💙💜

[@pamelajackson9302]

I have so many of the same signs of depression as you do I almost felt like you were talking about me and I also suffer from back pain from a spine engry.

[@the.unknown.mystic]

Thank you so much for this Kelly-Ann. Your willingness to be open with this subject is unimaginably helpful.

[@miniatureartist1512]

Yes, thank you very much Kelly-Ann❤️, I am writing this while trying to chatch a fruit fly in my kitchen😑☺️😁. I can relate to the mess part and neglecting myself and my environment. It’s always felt like a big part of my life I have to hide from others and you made me feel much better, I want you to know that. Thank you for you courage🙏🏼☺️❤️.

[@nathaliemorissette4681]

I have listen to this video at least 4 times, if not more. Many many thanks, it is profoundly enlighting for me.❤

[@kelly-annmaddox]

💕💗✨️ I am so glad it's helped you xx

[@rhondastolle1550]

Oh, hell. This makes me a LOT less embarrassed about some of the things we talked about yesterday.

[@corrieroozee6479]

OMG THE CLOTHES ISSUE!!! 100%%% Poor Will will tell me something looks great and I think he must really be blind! My body dysmorphia comes from being bullied in school for being not “womanly” enough. Nothing on top. 😕. That was exacerbated when my husband of then 12 years cheated on my with a family friend who was the body opposite of me. Conclusion is I don’t think ANYTHING looks decent on me. So I gravitate to the same few shirts and baggy pants basically everyday. And clothes shopping is my absolute nightmare. Look around for an hour and leave with nothing. Great video. ❤️

[@shaunaraetarot]

Hi Corrie. I feel you. I’m also a member of the itty bitty on top club 💚

[@ultravioletpisces3666]

This is a good example of "you have depression, depression doesn't have you." 💗

[@nishasankaran]

Excellent well said, I can relate. The disassociation, body dysmorphia becoming more present for me these days. ty for sharing ♥️

[@nishasankaran]

And communication anxiety, yes!!!

[@kundfunieczka]

I only want to say this: I appreciate you and what you so openly share about. Thank you.

[@peanutbutternose]

Thank you for your honest and brave sharing 💜 me too xxx

[@melissamorrison7677]

This is extraordinarily helpful for so many of us. Thank you for your raw honesty. I have experienced many of the same feelings you describe, especially regarding my wardrobe. I've give away so much clothing and jewelry that it shocks me to think about it. So many other things you talk about really resonate with me. You are loved, Kelly-Ann.