The truth about living as a functional alcoholic

Contrary to popular belief, being a functional alcoholic does not mean you can control your drinking. In fact, you may rely on alcohol to function in your everyday life. While you may appear to have it all together on the outside, inside, you struggle. Alcohol dependency can become a vicious cycle, where you numb your pain with alcohol, but it only perpetuates your problems.
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[@catherinecox8921]

I always roll my eyes internally when someone uses the term “functional” alcoholic. My husband has always worked. We have a home, pay our bills and to the outside we look like a perfect family. In our home however, all of the relationships are broken. He is not a partner in our marriage. He makes promises he doesn’t keep and doesn’t remember important conversations. He has missed most of the significant events in our children’s lives. His parenting style is horrible so we pretty much avoid him when he pours that first drink. He may function on the outside, but in the home it’s a different story.

[@emilybartoni9033]

Yes my life story

[@yohil4614]

Same here

[@ThePeachyCat]

My dad too

[@mikeinmelbourne9491]

My former 2-3 bottle of wine a night ex partner decided I was "no fun" because their drinking was devastating to me and the relationship. A year after the end of the relationship ended, I can see two things that happened a) I was becoming the "bad guy", not by yelling at them but by being upset and walking out of the house when they where drunk and b) the lying, the gas lighting and deceit was much more prevalent than I understood at the time. They were "functional" in the sense they went to work, Outside of that it was constant drinking, cocaine and cheating. But they made me the bad guy to everyone else.

[@dauglove7835]

Confounding stuff. I was also framed as no fun and my husband left our family for a bartender.

[@dauglove7835]

Functional alcoholism equates to an emotionally and often physically checked out spouse. Period. There is no peace and the support of family is superficial if present. Making money can mask so much but is no substitute for showing up in a relationship. A spouse will be forced to drop relationship standards again and again and in my experience, nothing is ever resolved or changed. There’s no self reflection with addiction. It was so difficult for me to go through this for so many years. He was only in a good mood under the influence of weed and alcohol and that caused me to resent that superficial personality.

[@catherinecox8921]

Very well said.

[@emilybartoni9033]

Yes same story here

[@sherileyva5908]

I was a functional drug addict for a very long time. I functioned wonderfully as long as I had drugs. As soon as I ran out, then the problems began. It eventually caught up with me and I finally got sober. Functioning addicts and alcoholics don't do it to get high, we do it to get normal and function. It's just a whole other level of nonfunction

[@a.d.b535]

Congratulations on kicking these habits. Takes hard work and courage. My BF starts drinking around 4 pm to 'get his personality back' and smokes all day. He seems fine before he starts the daily cycle, but it becomes the baseline requirement for all he does. What support groups are out there for me to understand all this?

[@sherileyva5908]

@@a.d.b535 Thank you 🌻Al-Alon is the biggest support group for people who have loved ones with addictions. They have the meetings pretty much in any town there are AA meetings. Just try googling Alanon in your area. I hope things get better for you both. I've been on both sides of addiction, being married to one, and being one myself. Neither are an easy place to be.

[@planetobagirl]

would showing this to my functioning addicted partner help or would it just make him angry in that he is in denial ? He enjoys intellectual content but idk how to talk to him ..

[@cd2437]

I like this lady she speaks the truth....about how hard and abusive it is to be the spouse.

[@rockulikeahurricane]

I’ve been married for 30 yrs to an alcoholic but I’ve spent most of the years “bitching” so much that he didn’t go too overboard but as we’ve both gotten older, i don’t have the energy to bitch like i used to 😝 but with that, he started drinking more. He can start drinking at 10am and still be drinking at 2-3 the next morning or until i finally start having a fit and then he doesn’t drink for 2 days but stays in the recliner for those 2 days. He got injured 10 years ago and on disability so he has no job to go to. His excuse now is that he doesn’t hurt when he drinks, which no doubt, I’m sure he doesn’t but he was doing this way before he got injured. I do feel bad for him because i know he hurts daily and i prob wouldn’t even say anything if he was a happy drunk but he goes into a complete different person. That person disgusts me. A new problem that been happening though is he forgets everything!! Not just conversations but he is forgetting events and it’s scary. I’ve noticed how bad it’s gotten for about a year now and i don’t know what comes next.

[@daughterofthemosthigh3366]

The first consequence may be family relationships but it is important to mention one's health. Consuming alcohol and other drugs are so damaging to the body and brain. Alcohol is not a beverage. It is a toxin. Culturally speaking, we view it as a beverage, but that is not correct. It is an enormous and very expensive cultural problem.

[@PutTheShovelDown]

I completely agree with you about the negative physical affects.

[@rockulikeahurricane]

Very true… my husband has fatty liver

[@jessicacole3167]

I appreciate listening to this. There's so much truth in this conversation

[@PutTheShovelDown]

So glad this was helpful, Jessica!

[@ritatharp5238]

For me, there is a different between an excuse and a reason. To me, the reason someone drinks is the truth. The excuse is the lie. I don't know if that explains it well. 🤷

[@jovivi6512]

My mother in law has been a functional alcoholic for 30 years. She was a workoholic since she was 15 years old as well so now at 60 years old she is very stable financally. But it's all that she has. Her pride and ego put her in a very hard ans sad denial till that day. My husband is her only child and her alcolholism has been really hard for him, his entire life... Her one bottle of white wine every night for 30 years leads her to the worst cancer you can get, pancreatic cancer. 😢 It is hard to believe when you see her now that just one year ago, she was that very charismatic, beautiful woman. When the body says stop it's the hard way unfortunally and you loose your life. There is no turning black at this point. I thought she would say to her son, I regret, I'm sorry .... Well I learn the hard way, that her pride, ego and strong denial won't let her. We tried and tried for years to help her but according to her we were the problem. Now she is dying and in lot of pain, 5 liters of ascites built up each week, 33 kg for 1m70cm and it's only now that her poor body Can't take one drop of alcohol anymore ... . I see alcohol as demon.😢 Greetings from belgium and thank you 🙏

[@neil_down_south]

Please can you do (or link to) a video on the 4 stages of alcoholism.

[@dauglove7835]

Thank you again. Four years after he left, I have to revisit all of this because he’s drinking with my young men sons. Sigh.

[@jessicacole3167]

I'm so sorry this is a very difficult situation for you

[@rockulikeahurricane]

My life!!!! One word i feel living with an alcoholic is EXHAUSTED!!!

[@rockulikeahurricane]

I told my husband today that yes, he’s a functioning alcoholic because he can’t function unless he’s drinking. He will sit in recliner all day on the day that is not a drinking day

[@emilybartoni9033]

My husband is a functional alcoholic- he drinks anywhere from 30-40 drinks a days- varying from liquor and beer-and yes what Campbell just said- he needs it to get through his day- starting morning to night- but is still able to work and isn’t ever hung over- well doesn’t seem to be

[@sandrahuggett9744]

My husband was the same. All I can say is if he tries to stop, make sure he is under medical supervision. Mine would go through withdrawals when he would try to quit, meanwhile his heart was enlarged over time and when he finally tried to stop for the last time, he went to sleep and never woke up. He passed on Dec 2, 2023. It’s awful then and even more so now. I’d go through it all again just to have him here

[@emilybartoni9033]

Oh my gosh- I’m so sorry To hear that Sandra- that breaks my heart and also gives me chills. It just seems like life or me has my son aren’t fun if he’s not drinking

[@sandrahuggett9744]

I’m not an expert, but it’s two different people you’re seeing and unfortunately, one is the addict side. The addiction hijacks the brain and convinces him life isn’t fun without the substance. Its takes hold. I guarantee you and your son are his everything, but the addiction doesn’t allow him to see that. It wants to survive. Remember, his choices are not your fault and as cliche as it sounds, you and your son are enough. I know you’re experiencing so much desperation , so much it seems impossible for anyone to comprehend unless they are in your shoes. It builds resentment on your end along with anxiety and depression. My heart goes out to you

[@taniavarela1286]

I have been in and out of this podcast as I’m working. Al-Anon is a great tool for those close to alcoholics in case it wasn’t mentioned.

[@rockulikeahurricane]

I couldn’t find one in my town. I need to research more and see if i can find one

[@jessicacole3167]

Also family's anonymous because you can talk back and forth as opposed to Al-Anon there's no crosstalk

[@rockulikeahurricane]

I posted a review for you, Amber on Google :) i saw your link under description of video. Also, do you have a monthly membership set up for us to join? Patreon?

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Wow! Thank you so much!!! I don't have a Patreon, but we do have a membership program for people trying to help addicted loved ones. Here's a link: kzbin.info/www/bejne/jpW9l36JYpeHnqs

[@susandean6369]

My AUd boyfriend , well now ex... I couldn't take his behavior..7 years, ugh! Is a total avoidant . Is there a connection on the attachment style of a AUD and success of stopping alcohol? And he has a walking gait like a duck and getting worse. Could this be first stages of thiamin deficiency? Get this .. he's in a new relationship. I hope she is high quality and dumps him (he's a sneaky drinker) or a heavy drinker and he spirals down. I still love him..what can I say.

[@mikeinmelbourne9491]

The gait is a sure sign of brain damage. My ex was showing signs of early liver failure - getting easily bruised all the time.

[@iwanttobeontheisland]

What's AUD?

[@iwanttobeontheisland]

Oh wait is it Alcohol Use Disorder?

[@rockulikeahurricane]

@@iwanttobeontheislandi was wondering the same thing and not sure what gait is either

[@iwanttobeontheisland]

@@rockulikeahurricane gait is like the way a person walks. She says his gait is like a duck, meaning he walks like a duck walks. Then the person responding is saying that the reason he walks like a duck is because he has brain damage.

[@buckyc.9069]

A functional alcoholic is someone who can drink me under the table, ( I ain't no lightweight) and still navigate the backroads to Tom Bean TX. for more beer. I knew what was goin on, but what can u do? They're all dead now, and I'm not. Like Forrest Gump, "That's all I got to say about that".

[@eamsutton]

8:36 yes yes can’t allow the unmanageableness to come out because it’s going to hurt the kids

[@michelevonherbulis6618]

An alcoholic is an alcoholic. There is not a xyz alcoholic. There is no such thing as a “functional” alcoholic.

[@michelleradford5956]

True.

[@steeljan]

Is there anyway to get sober and stay sober without AA? Seems like every bit of help or treatment ends with sending them to AA.

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Sure. There are lots of ways to get sober. Here's a video on that topic: kzbin.info/www/bejne/jZrZd4qohpqabsk

[@cd2437]

How long should you wait for someone to "get it" , ie. realize they cannot quit crack on their own? It's been years. And it seems to be getting worse. When does compassion turninto foolishness or just putting yourself in harm's way. Also hard to watch.

[@anzela1979]

QUESTION: My ex today was supposed to take the kids to the shops near by with a bus, reallly easy so i thought it's not too dangerous. Instead he took them with a taxy 35 mins drive away to pick up a car from auction, and drive them back without car seats. He is psychotic and abuseses 5 -6 differents ills like adderal, diazeapam and others. So I was so scared and I called his neigbour to as if he is there, they called his dad and my ex got so engry with me, called me names infront of the kids. His dad called the police, he doesn't want to go to rehab and is delusuinall, What to do?

[@planetobagirl]

would showing this to a functioning addict shed insight to them ? Or just make them angry ?

[@regijhonys]

Angry, dear. They’re usually defensive kind of people. So it will makes him ressent more your perception about him

[@user-mr9to6mr1g]

I call it a circle drug, your constantly chasing your tail

[@user-rf3cn2ou3x]

I can still get it up no matter how much I drink 😮

[@iwanttobeontheisland]

I struggle with mental illness (depression and anxiety) to the point that I kinda struggle to live like a normal person at times. I wasn't working for a long time. I finally got a job but it was very stressful for me and I started drinking before and during work to cope with the stress/anxiety and mostly just to maintain my composure in front of everyone. Didn't want to have ANOTHER anxiety attack at work. My mom saw me drinking before work and told me she was concerned that I was or would become a functional alcoholic. My reaction was "You think I'm functional? 🥲" But jokes aside, I left that job and stopped drinking. I have a new job and I feel like I'm pretty mentally stable for the most part.

[@jessicacole3167]

Don't isolate yourself see a therapist go to group therapy go exercise just don't stay in the house on your phone watching TV