The Only Way To Get A Functional Alcoholic/Addict Out Of Denial

Functional addicts/alcoholics will stay in denial for years if you don't take these steps. I know you're trying to get them to see the problem, but you're most likely slowing down their recovery process. There really is only one way to get a functional alcoholic/addict out of denial.
Chapters/Timestamps:
00:00 The Only Way To Get A Functional Alcoholic/Addict Out Of Denial
01:00 Breaking Denial: Ending Enabling for Functional Addicts
05:00 The Illusion of Normalcy
10:00 The Enabling Trap
15:00 Breaking the Rock Bottom Myth and Empowering Change
20:00 Viewer Q & A
42:00 Conclusion and Resources
⚠️These are educational videos, NOT therapy or advice specific to your situation.
ADDITIONAL RESOURCES:
The Invisible Intervention 👇🏻www.familyrecoveryacademy.onl...
🆓FREE Downloadable Resources:
www.familyrecoveryacademy.onl...
😃If you like our KZbin content, you'll love our Advanced Skills Membership! 👇🏻
www.familyrecoveryacademy.onl...
📆Make An Appointment With One Of Our Specialists:
www.familyrecoveryacademy.onl...
🙋🏻♀️fREE FB group for family members:
/ familyrecoverysupport

[@gigismalley]

I've done everything Al-Anon and 2 therapists have said to do. My husband's brother dropped dead from alcoholism and my husband's on the same path. He's 77, knows he's an alcoholic and refuses to get help. So, I'm done. He can die in his addiction. I stay out of his way, at 67 work a full-time job to save enough money so when he does die, I won't end up destitute.

[@nickjenkins1663]

You can't let a drowning person,drown you while you're trying to save them. ❤. Best of luck to you.

[@paulamaguire2382]

Thanks Amber. Watching your videos i realised that i was keeping him functional while quietly cracking up. I've stepped back and no longer covering up for him. Plus i've started speaking about his drinking with friends and family. He's not happy about that but its saving me mentally.

[@suzannephillips5540]

I have texted his boss picked him up from stores, cleaned up messes, pay for everything while he’s not working, do all of the chores, etc. How do you not do it when you have children?

[@katrinao5943]

if a consequence of someone's losing their job is that *you* lose your home letting the chips fall where they may isn't very realistic...

[@larrylanham2779]

The addiction is your enemy, not your loved one. Romans 19-21 “Dearly beloved, avenge not yourselves, but rather give place unto wrath: for it is written, Vengeance is mine; I will repay, saith the Lord.” “Therefore if thine enemy hunger, feed him; if he thirst, give him drink: for in so doing thou shalt heap coals of fire on his head.” “Be not overcome of evil, but overcome evil with good.” Luke 6:28 “Bless them that curse you, and pray for them which despitefully use you.” Goodness and kindness brings people to a place where they can change their minds Romans 2:4 “Or despisest thou the riches of his goodness and forbearance and longsuffering; not knowing that the goodness of God leadeth thee to repentance?”

[@LilT2o00]

Roommate is functional and not in denial of being an addict, but in denial that there's consequences. Nobody reminds of them of any obligations but they still make it to everything on time. Basically their routine is get up, go to work, go to the gym, eat, then they lock themselves in their room and don't make a sound. If it wasn't for the sheer volume of alcoholic bottles in the trash can every week, we wouldn't even know they drink. They're just like "I'm not causing anyone any trouble. I have a job and I pay my portion of the rent on time every month. What's the issue?" This has been going on for years

[@jannloderhose4816]

We had a friend like that. He was functional, until he wasn't, and his body said 'No more'. We went to his funeral on his 39th birthday, alongside his 11 year old daughter. One of the saddest things we've ever gone through. I'm not sure what the answer is for your roommate, but I know he'll hit a wall at some point. Hopefully it won't be the one that kills him, like it was for our friend.

[@user-bd8st9sn6o]

I love all of your videos

[@PutTheShovelDown]

😃😃😃😃😃😃

[@thedeergarden3964]

My housemate who is an alcoholic is actually overly functional. She cleans up after herself almost obsessively. The only time I’ve called her out was when I know that she’s been driving drunk cause she’ll pull up in her car and I can smell it on her. But even though she is very functional she’s incredibly unpleasant to be around with the slurred speech and her personality turns a littlest sarcastic. What’s funny is I believe she really thinks nobody know she’s been drinking because she spends so much time hiding it. Anyway this is good info to think about. I’ll try to figure out some ways that I’m helping her be more functional.

[@tonytor9612]

I have an uncle that is an alcoholic that owns a house worth millions and he’s a fighter fighter captain.. nobody helps him but he’s still in denial

[@tonytor9612]

*fire fighter

[@user-gk3gr4cy7m]

Cleaning, cooking,taking care of kids

[@tanyanicholas5221]

Amber …. 😃THIS IS AWESOME!!! My 33yo Son overly uses Alcohol, and has for several years. I knew that my husband and I were doing something wrong, enabling in some ways, but I didn’t realize that these “subtle” things were actually Enabling his Addiction. I guess until now, I didn’t fully understand what enabling is. Maybe I/we were in denial or just deeply entrenched in my own abandonment trauma pattern was being served because I didn’t want to upset and risk “ losing” my Son. Which inadvertently, I’ve been slowly losing, and would have actually lost him anyway. 🙏🏽🙏🏽🙏🏽Thank You, Thank You, Thank You.❤❤❤

[@PutTheShovelDown]

You're so welcome, Tanya! You've got great insight!

[@trollsnotwelcome7805]

My loved one living rough 😢😢😢im lost in grief. He left because he said he couldn't take the guilt 😢😢i think just looking at us made him feel guilty in some way. Im scared to death he won't survive 😢or that I'll lose contact. How can i help in this situation without enabling 😢 this is so painful for them and for family

[@nikkip19771]

Im new to your channel and have watched a few videos and this video relates to me so much..I do so much for him and keep reminding him of things..thank you so much for the work you are doing..you are truly helping people.

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Welcome to our little community. so glad you're here 💖😃

[@dino946]

Like Ivana said Don’t get mad, get Everything

[@Rebecca-GLaines]

33:09 I honestly think the issue w functioning addicts who have their own homes, pay their bills, are tight on money as well dt the addiction. So, I think a lot comes down to not being able to afford to go to detox for help, and then when they get home, can they keep the strength once real life starts back. I think that's my persons issue, (it's meth) and His job is very physical, and own his own business, I think the idea of doing everything sober, doing that stuff for 20 years takes a toll on the body, so there's just a lot of fear.

[@mariaandrearichards-HurtadoZ]

I had a moment at the hospital, I read the protocol of how to feed my mom and to see that there were using a different way. I was so mad, but I am see now that I was keeping they busy and not functional. I got it.

[@ldbobay]

Amen sister. Thanks for the help!

[@PutTheShovelDown]

You are so welcome!

[@judisamoisette1258]

I agreed, they go in and out of denial… I don’t live with my loved one but see her often 3+ times a week She does so good, then goes and steals from us and gets some new drug and sleeps and looks like crap for days, then knows her baby visit is coming up she showers and combs hair and puts on the mom show for visit. Other times she makes big strides to sobriety… she is on Suboxone but is trusted with 6 doses to self administer. It’s just so frustrating

[@cuddlemuff6632]

Hi Amber, I'm watching the playback and just want to say you are looking fantastic! Great insightful talk, of course too.

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Oh thank you! 😃😃

[@reettaelina]

I am washing my sons clothes and going there every time when he is having bad mood

[@user-bd8st9sn6o]

I am a Peer Support Specialist and your videos have helped me to get through to many of my clients and have helped so many people in recovery.

[@audreythacker8084]

I have such respect for your open gratitude and acknowledgement of Amber's sage approach, direction and gift of truly listening. It's very selfless and rare. Your clients are in good hands.

[@pieinthesky9646]

Paying bills, car payments. Recently had this discussion with my client who is mother of addicted person. Thank you for the validation

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Anytime!

[@BrendaGraske]

My 33 year old son wants me to co-sign on an apartment for him since he has an eviction on his record. I just can’t do it he has been and is now being verbally abusive to me. His addiction has taken him to psychosis before. Now he is just somewhat functional. I have been told to block him because of the abusive text messages.

[@anuvarma9435]

How can they see that they are ruining the family when you are all pleasant n nice n trying to appear happy in front of them

[@PutTheShovelDown]

That's a good question. I know that seems counterintuitive. Typically, making a fuss just distracts them. Stepping out of the way usually allows them to see it faster.

[@madriwilliams]

Giving them money. Cleaning up their messes. Not letting know how much they hurt me. Blaming other people for their behavior.

[@juliematalus7395]

I am the reminder queen!!!

[@PutTheShovelDown]

😅

[@Cristerplunk]

I always reminded my H to water/check on his beloved plants. I stopped, and am watching them become bug infested and dying. When he does check, he doesn’t mention the problems…. Because he knows he messed up!

[@debrasmith8860]

Found myself checking boxes and propping him up to keep him functional. Mean while he's relapsing!! Got to figure out how to stop this!!!

[@shivvypoppy]

You can't stop it. That's that point. They have to want it.

[@christinelovejoy3524]

When your person leaves his work equipment and a garage full if machinery behind after he left and expects to come and go when he pleases . I want my garage and property back But afraid he’ll go nuts. He really doesn’t need . Weight bench. Ect. Should I just dump it all? He won’t get it himself. ?????? Call the junkyard??

[@elizabethivey9326]

What do you do with someone who has mental illness that is driving the addiction but are in complete denial about the mental illness?

[@gailmartindale]

Ditto. My question is the same.

[@henricofam]

In the same boat..

[@kathykumer5427]

My daughter's boyfriend pushed her down the stairs and fractured her pelvis and foot. She is living with us now. She is still drinking and smoking. Don't have a choice but to help her. It is so stressful

[@gracerobertson8772]

T.T

[@kathykumer5427]

Not helpful comments!

[@brittany7573]

There are battered women shelters.

[@lucymacdonald644]

Yeah I see where you're coming from Amber but in my case my hubby is a complete alcoholic narcissistic sociopath so there is no way he's going to accept his drinking is the reason for the problems. It's always portrayed as something else like his poor health, somebody elses problems or attitude or even worse God or just the way the cookie crumbles etc etc

[@OutToTheWoods]

❤

[@katherinefrench5268]

Thanks!

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Wow! THANK YOU SO MUCH!!!! 💖💖💖💖💖

[@Alpinewild444]

Your videos are so helpful, thank you! Did you say there was a link to confronting the addict? I’m too anxious to go to Al anon (yet) but really need help in implementing boundaries.

[@pat-a-rattat8094]

This sounds like justification of some past trauma caused by misunderstanding these people. I wonder what the future people will look back on y’all wondering how these things could happen. Master council

[@venetiancat]

Just curious, have you ever dealt with your own addictions, such as food, sugar, carbs? I have, same dynamics. Very helpful channel, thanks so much!❤

[@PutTheShovelDown]

Yes, most certianly

[@debrasmith8860]

Son has no money, no transportation, and no drivers li🎉censes, he is in a court order rehab program that requires meetings, court, drug testing, etc. I've been his driver to these events. Is this enabling or propping him up?

[@modernmonarch5816]

My addict relapsed while on the Vivitrol shot after almost 3 months. I was helping get the help he needed. He says he cannot recover without me. He also says that he got this far only because of me and our relationship. I don’t know what else to do. He has lost his job & car.

[@carolbearman4969]

So what about the ones who embrace their alcoholism and feel justified because it was genetic so why fight it? My daughter says these things while her two year old is playing in the next room. Says she probably shouldn’t be a mom but that’s just the way it is. Says motherhood is her trigger and is too proud to let anyone help with the child.

[@Jess-kn8vl]

Propping them up by allowing them to take the credit for things I have done. But did it really "prop" them up when they know deep down they didnt do it? It was of more going along with my parents enabling them. They would get mad at my successes and want me to share them with the addict so its fair?! Talk about resentments.

[@carolsims1408]

My son is 35 he has been a addic for several years. I have tried so many thing but nothing worked. I do inable him because i do everything. When he gets mad he breaks something thats mine . I will stop doing for him and see how it goes. He went to the doctor and i think he is abusing the meds that are suppose to get him off the drugs. Im at my wits end.

[@miller5170]

I need to know when do you Confront the drinking as a spouse living with them. Do you ignore it all to let them self sabotage or is you ignoring the drinking also buffering the rock bottom. I woudk think leaving or confronting us to bring the bottom up bc it shows the family is dysfunctional and not okay with it. So I’m confused about how to react to drinking when they don’t think it’s bad but it is until the sun comes up and makes them cause fights and say really mean things and drive off in the middle of the am and not apologize so I can allow the issues for themselves but they have so much good luck and no one else really says anything. The friends and coworkers that haven’t liked the bad mood etc have disappeared but the mood is in between the drinking and the drinking is only once or twice a week so it’s like denial is easy when they are functional in most other ways ..couldn’t this take years of mistreatment and disrespect and the kids seeing it unless I leave?

[@kendalraley1596]

Hi Amber, I love your videos. Where do I find resources or techniques to use with someone who has given up completely, homeless, alcoholic, addict, mental illness and he’s very angry?

[@danaclemons4374]

I'm ready to leave my AH because of financial concerns. So I'm definitely not going to be the nice guy. Any advice?

[@PutTheShovelDown]

You're right, leaving will definitely put you in the bad guy role. But, sometimes you have to take care of yourself.

[@tuneburglar]

How do you help an alcoholic who knows she is and has zero desire to even want to try a sober life. BTW I am in recovery from alcoholism 24 years sober did the jails institutions and almost death several times. Everything is going well for me now but it hurts so much to watch her go down the same path as I know all to well wear it leads.

[@OutToTheWoods]

❤

[@miller5170]

Also, do they have to lose something valuable in order to come out of denial?

[@OutToTheWoods]

I go see him. I have cleaned and done laundry. He won't come see me. I think it's because he wants to be there drinking.

[@jasscott7989]

Paying their phone bill.

[@mohdfarmanfarman]

😊

[@christineewing3492]

Hi Amber. I have to say something. I've been watching your channel for quite a while. The titles of your KZbin videos sound like alcoholics and addicts inflict a world of pain on other people. Those other people are free to leave us if they want to. I know it's more difficult when families/children are part of the picture. We are often in our own world of pain. No one likes us because of what we do. Society hates us. We are often alone. We come out of denial when we see the naked truth, or when we are so much pain that we have to. You never talk about the pain of the alcoholic/addict, just the pain and trouble they cause other people. I have no children, no family, no partner. Just a good therapist and a few friends who stick by me. Your video 2 weeks ago was titled "Overcome addiction on your own" What? No one ever does that. There are no quick fixes for addiction. You begin to sound like you are against us, and not with us. Sincerely, Christine, recovering alcoholic.

[@christineewing3492]

@@shep8242 Abusive? And what my therapist says to me is none of your business.

[@MANOJKUMAR-hx6zn]

xx

[@TheStrong2021]

Cleaning up the mess including them out of the vomit. Business messes. Family relationship messes. Financial messes. But thanks to Amber that I've stopped doing any of those things.

[@PutTheShovelDown]

🤩🤩🤩🤩💪🏻💪🏻💪🏻💪🏻💪🏻

[@katrinao5943]

I actually don't do anything to prop him up. Honestly. It's scary how well he functions given that he drinks every day, and when he's not working, throughout the day. He hides it and spends most of his time squirreled away in another room so I don't see it. He's not nasty (neither am I), we don't talk about it. So there aren't any consequences for him.

[@hawaiibikekahuna8204]

My wife literally went to AA with me and is supporting me directly. If she can be codependent or an enabler as an alcoholic, she can enable me to go to AA and support my recovery.

[@yanshNayakofficialup53]

😮

[@tracycassidy1631]

TOO MUCH TALKING IN CIRCLES AND NOT ENOUGH SUBSTANCE!! WASTE OF TIME

[@mohammedwaheeduddinafsar9482]

Meri wife Allah ke raste mein hi support karti hai main bhi isko ham donon ek hi mijaj ke Hain agar ham financial to kabhi nahin Kiya nahin kyunki Allah bahut bada hai vah Jo dekha hai Naseeb se jyada nahin Naseeb se Kam nahin Allah ki jail mein koi Insan se mangna vah humko nahin sikhaya Gaya kyunki Allah dariya banata hai uske bharose per ek Kisan jab vah apni kheti karta hai usko Allah hi vah kheti mein Barkat deta hai duniya mein sabse bada Daulat kisani hai WhatsApp ko khilata hai aur kuchh bhi yahi Allah ki badi song Allah

[@MrMegatherium]

I am functional, and still winning!

[@jasonbachelor604]

Stop it. Functional = Normal Human being