Reacting to Unhelpful Advice

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Timestamps:
Whispering 00:00-02:09
Intro 02:10-05:02
01. Invisible Expectations 05:03-15:25
02. Body Signals 15:26-18:51
03. Body Language: Eye Contact 18:52-27:48

[@thethoughtspot222]

Thanks everyone who participated in the live chat! It was fun. I’m still confused on all the technicalities of it, but I’m sure I’ll learn as I go. Also I’ve been really ruminating on creating a Patreon community where we can have more focused community interactions and maybe even live calls/ discussions. Just have to find some time to plan all of that out. Let me know if you would be interested in that🫶 Stay regulated🦋

[@Solo.Dissonance]

It was fun, thanks for chatting with us! A Patreon community would be neat.

[@acemarvel1564]

The whispering was kinda cringe btw

[@adrianalicea6704]

I would love a community Patreon and/or a whispered video

[@gothboschincarnate3931]

I missed it... could you come back on line a redo it.....just kidding. I woke up this morning angry. it was a comment to a previous post i made. but it relates totally to this episode. reminders me of advice concerning sleep. I have had insomnia since i was 8 years old. And i have neurotypicals say...well just goto bed like 10 pm and wake up at 7am. ya sure sure...works fine for those that are regulated and lay their head on their pillow and close their eyes and just wake up at 7am. but i get totally dis-regulated after 2 weeks and have to set it straight all over again...only to get dis-regulated all over again. it began when i had to review the days events, a sort of meditation on what worked and what didn't and why. but eventually my mind became overactive at night. and would literally sleep 4 hours, instead of 8. persisted for decades. Neurotypicals fit in...so they dont even worry about strategies...masking...adapting...learning...re-adapting.... The world is a safe space for those that "fit in" I never had a safe space. some comments and video's arrive early.

[@gbail9566]

More different ways you can share your talent seems better as long as you don't stretch yourself thin. More options give you more latitude for how you feel any given day.

[@MartianGirl347]

I’ll watch interrogation videos, and the narrator is talking about how the person is exhibiting certain body language that shows that they’re guilty… I can’t help but think that, if I were ever in that situation, I’d be found guilty so quick. A LOT of the stuff they point out as “deceptive behaviors” are things I do while interacting with literally anyone…

[@skyrunnerblake1481]

Seriously! I'm sure it's likely a big reason why neurodivergent folks are more likely to be seen as aggressive or fearful in situations with law enforcement. People seem to really buy into that stuff in fiction as well (like lie detectors..)

[@milamila1123]

That's because police interrogations are based on behaviorism, a pseudoscience.

[@noname-vf1ft]

What kind of behaviour? Like eye contact and stuff?

[@GN315-pe6ul]

@MartianGirl347 there has actually been a study on this, and autistic people were indeed found to be considered more deceptive, including by law enforcement and in the legal system, due to autistic traits. It is scary when you see that it has been proven, and that autistic people are also overrepresented in the legal system. These are not just annoying assumptions being made by people on the street. These assumptions are also being made about autistic people by authorities that have the power to ruin lives.

[@kaylaisnothere4397]

That's why I think people should more often take body language as a clue and not the entire picture. We might believe that there's one singular reason or emotion behind a specific expression, and that may be true in a lot of instances, but it can be troublesome for the people displaying that expression innocuously. Generally it seems NT people rely on body language because they're right most of the time, but it has unintended consequences when they don't consider other factors. Unfortunately because of ableism they have social leverage, and if they incorrectly identify your body language, more people might end up trusting them

[@PandaHopeful]

I also think there is a gender disparity going on here as well. Women are much more expected to have this mind-reading skill, and men are not, or at least not as much. If women can't do it, (I am an autistic woman who can't), they are seen as inconsiderate and rude. If men cannot do it, they unintentionally hurt their partners who have these expectations of them. I understand I didn't consider all gender identities and I apologize for that, I was just trying to speak to traditional gender roles and how they can be harmful on both sides.

[@laurlaurmarmar7697]

The invisible labor piece is really missing here. While people shouldn’t be expected to “read minds”, I think there’s enough information and resources out there for men to be proactive about household chores and shared responsibilities. They could even bring what they find back to their partner and have collaborative conversations about it.

[@ErutaniaRose]

As a bigender AFAB, you are SO on the money. The emotional labour put on women, AFABs, and fem presenting peeps is crazy.

[@aspidoscelistigris]

On the other hand, you probably don't want to live in the emotional wasteland of the dudebro, either...

[@ErutaniaRose]

No--but those aren't the only two choices. Strict gender roles suck for everyone and just harm society. @@aspidoscelistigris

[@InshasChoice]

I think they should do the chores without being asked/told. Come on man, the place that we live in is also yours. Even children help out!

[@GN315-pe6ul]

Yes on invisible expectations being toxic! Another toxic byproduct of that mentality is that when you are someone who communicates directly and explicitly what you need and what is important to you, the types of people that think others should be reading minds label you as too direct or even aggressive. No, that is actually just what communication looks like, sorry you are that unfamiliar with it. Have had that done to me when I was just clearly, explicitly stating what I wanted and needed. Full disclosure: I used to be someone who held the invisible expectations position. This was due to me having been expected to do that (raised by a narc, as well as a masking undiagnosed autistic). It was expected of me, so I expected it of others bc I thought that was what was normal. I learned better, and now I do better. It was weird to go from that, to being called too direct for finally learning to communicate.

[@thethoughtspot222]

I’ve heard this a lot from other ND’s, being labeled as “confrontational” or “pushy” or “aggressive”

[@user-bi3qo5sb6s]

Yes! The first video was SO frustrating to watch! Like, do you not communicate in your relationships!???? How are you supposed to have a healthy relationship. News flash it doesn’t just happen it takes work. So I agree with her. If you aren’t prepared to work for a relationship then don’t be in one. Perhaps what she meant was wanting someone who can predict her better than she can predict herself. Which I completely understand being autistic and struggling with alexithymia it would be an absolute dream to have a partner who knows my patterns and can support me through that. But that isn’t going to just happen I HAVE TO COMMUNICATE THAT. Which can be really hard in the beginning because sometimes I’m not even sure but to not even give it go!? How do you expect to be treated right FOR YOU.

[@ErutaniaRose]

I have literally had nearly the exact same experience. It's so baffling how people think I'm the one with all the deficits when all I do is literally say exactly what I mean with no subtext. Like...how could I be more clear???

[@stephanieok5365]

It really sucks to start dropping the mask only to find the number of relationship that liked the costume, not the person wearing the costume. 💀

[@tessarae9127]

Ok I’m also watching that and I’m just like…. why not be a lesbian then if you’re getting most of your needs met by women? I don’t understand why that’s such a big deal to people lol But yesss I’ve absolutely had people act horribly to me for being both direct and female. A woman daring to have needs is still a bit taboo I’m afraid 😅

[@ashmac87]

Irene, you are so good at choosing relevant topics for neurodivergent adults! Discernment is something that I've struggled with a lot in my life. I'm really glad that you made a video about it. I don't know why people are complaining about your videos because I love them. 💖

[@GN315-pe6ul]

Seriously, her videos are amazing.

[@thethoughtspot222]

I really needed to hear this, was feeling pretty discouraged and deflated. Thank you

[@livvy94]

@@thethoughtspot222❤❤❤❤

[@etcwhatever]

​@@thethoughtspot222your videos are helping a lot of people. Thank you so much ❤

[@laurlaurmarmar7697]

Part of this conversation is the invisible labor that tends to be pushed onto women. The communication expectations could be adjusted to accommodate the reality that women are often told, “well, just tell me what I need to do and how to do it” by the men they’re in relationships with instead of the men being proactive.

[@etcwhatever]

Even with my little autistic self being very direct...men still have selective hearing. You cant win. Ever

[@binesart]

It’s called mental load, and yes, it’s totally unequal between man and women.

[@etcwhatever]

@@Ambrrr. it is the majority of men, not the minority. I fully subscribe to your perspective except for that point. Most men cant be bothered less, an understanding and cooperative guy is a keeper.

[@pendafen7405]

Weaponised Incompetence is a helpful term for this.

[@everglow-simp]

Yeah it's the culture​@@etcwhatever

[@RatsPicklesandMusic]

Thank you for the misophonia warning in the beginning because whispering is actually one of my biggest misophonia triggers! 😅😅

[@no-one.in.particular]

The insistence that body language tells are the same for everyone can even be quite dangerous. I'm often told by people that I'm hard to read, even though I'm very direct and honest with communication. I've had police officers ignore my concerns about death threats from an ex partner (with a criminal history of violence) because "we learn how to read people"...that ex tried to send his mates to hurt me and my family (they told me when they came over) and he came to my house with a 🔫, that he wasnt supposed to have. But because I don't have NT body language, the police assumed I was just lying about the threats he had made and wouldn't even let me show them some of the messages

[@tas7471]

Ugh, that's a fear of mine. Having to interact with police officers and they misinterpreting my behavior. Short interactions are no problem because a woman with glasses does not seem suspicious to them (had to cross EU borders a lot). My very rational way of talking while always simultaneously observing and analyzing the other person would probably confuse them in longer interactions, especially when they expect a more emotional reaction. I'm so sorry that happened to you!

[@skyrunnerblake1481]

It's really bad. I never realized how much people make assumptions and judgements on body language until I tried to stop masking and started looking back on prior situations. It's really bad. Also, there are so so many reasons body language tells may not be accurately assessed (or not relevant at all) which is not fair. Cultural differences, being in pain or dealing with chronic stuff, being in the middle of a difficult life event, being in a different mood than 'neutral,' or having mental illness symptoms, being tired, etc etc etc

[@no-one.in.particular]

@@skyrunnerblake1481 yeah, I didn't realise how important body language is to the normals for so long...once I realised I researched body language analysis and the most important part of that is supposed to be figuring out if the subject has any conditions that would change their behaviour and determining their baseline behaviour before trying to read the body language tells... The police in my case definitely did not do that, because I have multiple conditions that makr it verg difficult to read me

[@tas7471]

@no-one.in.particular Not sure if they use body language analysis when taking witness or victim statements. It's probably just subconsciously. They have this image in their head how a victim should act. Fearful, panicked, and helpless. So, when you, for example, calmly state the facts that you think they need to do their job, they might misinterpret your behavior as calculated and planned out. When I'm freaked out or scared, I'm not masking. So I show little to no facial expressions, my voice is quite monotone, and I move very little. I passed my driving test because the examiner was so impressed with how calm I remained in tricky situations in city traffic that he ignored small mistakes. In reality, I was so freaked out that I realized I would probably never drive a car again 😅

[@tessarae9127]

ACAB

[@biaberg3448]

«You have to teach your partner what your needs are” - But be aware that some partners are not teachable. No response, no matter how carefully, direct and clear the message is communicated.

[@Alba-pc6bz]

Meaning they don t care about your needs ? Then, why stay ?

[@ggundercover3681]

​@@Alba-pc6bzhence why you don't. This is good to leach ppl that if after your effort, they effectively show they dont care, stop staying. The more we emphasize it, the better

[@rashiqahs3136]

I have never heard someone explain the weight of constant invisible expectations so well, and really resonated with it

[@AnonUnlimited]

Tbh when it comes to the first one I have the opposite problem. All of my relationships tend to be me getting taken advantage of because I am very attentive, helpful, and trusting. It's second nature to ignore my discomfort for the sake of others. I've been doing it my whole life. My loved ones know that they could ask me for anything and I'd do it no matter how inconvenient it is. It really hurts when you put so much effort in and none of it is returned. I've had to learn how to set boundaries with people. It takes a lot of spoons to open up and explain what you need and I won't waste it on someone who has shown no signs that they actually care. It's not really about always doing the right thing, but i do want to be with someone who puts an equal amount into the relationship. I want to feel loved just once.

[@etcwhatever]

I have the same problem. Although others cant mind read they can observe. This can apply for example to liking X, Y and Z.

[@InshasChoice]

I have the same issue. I would give the shirt off my back to anyone. I notice the smallest of changes. However, it's been problematic bc manipulators often seek out people like me and you. I'm learning to take the back seat and let people ask me for things before I offer help & to also say no to things.

[@widowswail888]

Omg the way I’ve been struggling with this exact problem. I reject advice from other people nowadays because they just don’t feel genuine. Even if they come from my friends/family. Unfortunately years of masking and low self esteem has made me distrust my own decisions, so I seldom look to other people. Which is bad bc they don’t know my exact situation, how are they gonna tell me what to do? It’s a vicious cycle, I’ll tell you that.

[@fraktaalimuoto]

I find people giving unsolicited advice to be almost offensive. The fact that they would do so is a true sign that they don't know me enough to be able to give real advice. Like it is just an ego trip for them.

[@kodycrabb5820]

Ok, that first 2 minutes had me thinking I accidentally clicked an ASMR vid. Not mad at it. 10/10 would nap lol!

[@ernestoponce2137]

That's what I've experienced back in school. People took advantage of my special needs and did that to get me in trouble.

[@acemarvel1564]

I've pretty much decided to stay away from people in general after that happened to me too, no relationship whether platonic or romantic could be that worth trying especially with my own generation

[@etcwhatever]

​@@acemarvel1564with my generation in mind...i said to myself...avoid 😂 and dated older. Nope. Disaster.

[@Catlily5]

It is more the person than the generation.

[@Zebo262]

I understand what the first lady was saying about not teaching someone to think of her..... But the people in her life that she used as an example..... Were her friends. She didn't mention how long they'd been friends for. Placing the same expectations on someone new, as you have with someone you've potentially known for years (or since you were a child), is a little unrealistic. New people in your life, need time to get to know you and learn you, by spending time with you. I also don't think you ever stop learning who the people in your life are. Situations happen, and they rise to the challenge in a way you didn't expect based on what you already knew. People constantly learn, grow and change, so you're always learning about them. I think you make a really awesome point. It's about the individual, not the collective expectation of repetitive behavior with every person. It's not just small individual behaviors either, it's how a collection of things come together to deliver an overall message of what is happening for an individual......... And that will look different for everyone.

[@skyrunnerblake1481]

You put it very eloquently.

[@Zebo262]

@@skyrunnerblake1481 thank you :) , sometimes I stumble a bit, but I try.

[@GardenArcade]

I really resonate with what was said about the first tiktok about invisible expectations. My last relationship was riddled with having to ask a lot of questions because they would always expect me to know what to do/"that's just what a good partner does." It riddled me with so much anxiety and worse off I had to ask constantly if I was doing the right things because of what I had to expect the unexpected all the time.

[@GN315-pe6ul]

I am pretty sure I contributed to ruining a relationship by having invisible expectations. At the time, it was what I thought was normal because I had been raised to meet invisible expectations of a narcissistic parent. I was also a heavily masking undiagnosed autistic. I learned better, and I do feel awful for what I can now see were just insane expectations of my then partner. I wish our society would focus more on teaching healthy relational communication. That is literally something that could be taught in school growing up because too many definitely are never taught anything about it at home.

[@HaloHighlightz]

@@GN315-pe6ulI also just realized that I’ve been doing the same. I now see it’s irrational behavior across the board, as each person and their desires and needs differ, so you can’t expect that each person will realize or even understand those unspoken expectations and how to fulfill them

[@HaloHighlightz]

I wanna apologize so your ex’s behalf. Hopefully they truly didn’t understand that they were doing and have grown past it ❤

[@pendafen7405]

This is one of a few big reasons I avoid intimate relationships. If neurotypicals who know, intuit and (sometimes) try to abide by these unspoken rules struggle enough to hold onto a partner, what chance do I have not knowing or intuiting the same?

[@ashmac87]

20:51 It's wild how confident people can sound when they're misinformed!

[@unicornwhale3807]

I'm not autistic, the reason why I click on your videos is only out of curiosity to educate myself about autism. However, the more I binge watch your videos, the more comfortable I see life because for some reason, it resonates with me so much. And this community, it's like, finding keys. I always feel out of place, especially in socializing, like, I'm just odd or childish, and I feel insecure about that or I always feel like I'm too sensitive, and emotional, lazy and whatever, life stresses me out but I can't figure out myself. Your channel is called The Thought Spot, but it feels like a safe spot for me to look at myself

[@kelly-cat-584]

Omg this is so triggering for me. I also have CPTSD from growing up under a narcissist, so I’m trying not to let that color how I hear these videos, but I’ve also been in an abusive romantic relationship, so I can totally relate to women suffering under invisible expectations as well. I grew up in a conservative religious environment, and frequently heard women making complaints like this, that “I shouldn’t have to explain this to you.” It always rubbed me the wrong way. Since I was at an expensive private school, it was often girls who got everything handed to them by their parents, and it made me feel like they just didn’t want to be adults and learn how to explain their needs to others. It’s almost as if having to verbalize something “cheapened” it for them. As if they would know Prince Charming by how much he performed the right romantic rituals without any instruction. I thought their brains were infected by romcoms. Or on the flip side, they would say, “Oh no, you can’t talk to men about stuff like this (insert something that was making them miserable here).” And they would come up with some elaborate passive-aggressive “training” method for teaching the man how to be in a relationship with them. I was undiagnosed autistic and constantly baffled. I’m sorry, you can’t even communicate with your partner? Why are these people together? I once actually said, “Why not, doesn’t he speak English? Is he a dog?” So I did not make friends with women. Looking back, I see now how *resentful* I was that people would never say how they actually felt, but then blow up when I unknowingly did it wrong. It’s like “What’s the magic word?” How am I supposed to know what the Magic Word is? I tried so hard to communicate directly and meticulously, yet I was still misunderstood or even accused of lying. And you just want to sit there and have your mind read every time you get hungry and want Taco Bell (referring to one of your older videos)? It’s exhausting for me to be around people who see the world this way, and it makes me realize what an outsider I am. Not a good feeling.

[@birdie6663]

Eye contact is so hard!! Working in customer service they specify on making eye contact!! (Because that is apparently ‘good’ customer service) Because of these body language analysis videos, I’m always worried I’m looking shifty or disingenuous! 😭

[@ACDBunnie]

I hope you'll enjoy this story. So I was talking with a old woman at church and she said that when she was a young adult cashier she forced herself to build up the courage to look the patron in the eyes during the transaction and afterwards she had to vomit because 60 or so years ago in Minnesota the social rule was that it was rude for women workers at these basic jobs to look at the customer. And I told her that I was a cashier in the modern day and it's actually the opposite where I am expected to make eye contact and it's considered weird if I don't. So we enjoyed that time and found it crazy that both of our behaviors (looking someone in the eye or not) wasn't inherently wrong. If I don't look people in the eyes, that would be okay if I was placed in her story and if she was raised nowadays, she wouldn't have been shamed and forced to not look people in the eyes.

[@idk-ill-figure-smn-out]

Working in customer service has actually helped me learn to mask a LOT better. I can actually pass myself off as "normal" and likable for at least 8 hours. That is, until my shift ends and I throw on my headphones and stop talking to anyone for the rest of the day lol.

[@suu1998]

22:30 omg I hate interacting with people in person because they ALWAYS do this, they assume I feel a certain way because of whatever they see in my facial expression. and then these people who make videos about body language go around telling people that anyone who has weird body language is a psychopathic liar who hates you ugh

[@PeninsulaCity2024]

I once had someone blow up in my face because I wasn't staring at him while he was talking. Made only worse when the guy started getting really aggressive and implied that he would injure me in someway if I kept looking away. I found out later the guy had gone to jail previously for DV. If he was like that to people he knew and did time for it, I would consider myself lucky he didn't do anything else. For sure one of us would have not gone home that night if he did.

[@melonmelody18oz]

The part about avoiding eye contact is so relatable! I feel like I can listen more intently when there's no eye contact because I won't be distracted from trying to process the facial expressions of the other person. I often start masking when I do make eye contact which causes me to pick up on subtle facial expressions. Because I am afraid of being misunderstood or sense the person is not following, I begin to fully mask/ become an NPC/ rely on my scripts lol

[@ellem8990]

I do this aswell and for the same reason. I always took it as being more of an ADHD thing, because it's not that I struggle with reading people, but having to process extra things does make focusing harder, am I wrong tho?

[@TheReganasaur]

People really do project these interpretations. In high school there was this girl who thought I hated her because apparently I would stare at her with the a mean face everyday in the hallway. I never even saw her once lol. I guess I have an angry face when I am lost in thought because when I met this girl and she told me I would have never have been able to pick her out of a crowd.

[@aaron6879]

Don't like others reading my facial expression, cuz I will get easily misunderstood with my blank face. Most likely I will be seen as cold, indifferent, false, insincere, etc. This reminds me that I have promlem smiling and laughing on social occasions. A lot times everyone is laughing but I just don't find anything funny, and sometimes even if I feel something is funny on the inside, it's difficult for me to put on a big smile like anyone else. It seems I don't know how to laugh like others and I am always worried that others may find out I am faking a smile.Wanna know if you guys have similar issue?

[@christinelamb1167]

Yes, I have this issue too! My facial expressions usually don't effectively reflect what I am feeling. I also tend to have a blank look on my face, regardless of what I'm feeling. Most people don't "get" me, and I think I often come across as cold and indifferent. Alot of times someone will think I am angry, when I'm not feeling angry at all. This is because of a combination of my facial expression, and my tone of voice not reflecting how I actually feel. It's frustrating, because I don't know how to be any other way than how I am!

[@sheep1ewe]

Yes, i do.

[@bubbiccino]

Same! Probably due to cptsd and masking burnout, I’m more often than not low energy and unable to emote effectively 😑 At times when everyone else is cracking up but I’m not, I remind myself to raise the corners of my lips so I don’t get called out for being a debbie downer or something. And even when I am amused by something, I’m anxious about how to reflect that on my face so it takes me out of the moment 😅 Unless I find something hilarious/stupid funny, I’m very much flat affect/RBF✌️

[@achantiii]

I had a relationship in my 20s where my body rejected him, it’s really possible but it was a toxic relationship, so not only physical, but also emotional

[@stephanieok5365]

Regarding the topic of not wanting to teach your partner to consider you. To me, at least, it's not a "you should know without me saying things," I think it's more like, "I need you to ask me instead of it always being on me to proactively hyper communicate my needs." Dunno about y'all but I burn less energy responding than I do having to provocatively initiate every. single. communication. Plus, if my partner broaches the topic, I know they are actually engaged and receptive to receiving my communication. If I'm the initiator, it's like did what I just say stick or is it going to slide right off like Teflon coating?

[@GN315-pe6ul]

This is a really good point. Once upon a time I did expect them to guess, but when I learned to start communicating it got really tiring always having to guess what they would need to know and take the initiative to start that conversation. I feel like yes, it is really unfair to expect them to guess what I need, but it is also unfair for them to expect me to guess what they need to know and be the one to bring up whatever I think they might find helpful. How do I know what information they require to understand me unless they communicate that to me by asking me about things they need to know to understand? Additionally, when I was the only one bringing things up about what I need, and they would just ignore it and have it slide off like teflon like you said, so I had to bring it up again and again, they then characterized me as being impossible to please and nagging. So this one can really go both ways.

[@ACDBunnie]

But how would they know when to ask you? How would they know to even ask you at all if you haven't told them explicitly that you need them to check in on you because you can't be trusted to communicate your needs when you have them? It's not proactive to state what you need. It's in the moment. You aren't being asked to say what you need in every possible future scenario. Just, when you need something, say it then. Also, I'm having trouble understanding your last paragraph.

[@stephanieok5365]

@@GN315-pe6ul right? It's not a mind game if you can't tell someone what's wrong; it's a symptom of being too overwhelmed for a lot of folks. I think about that a lot when I'm making plans with folks that have a lot of food restrictions. Sure, I could just expect them to tell me if there's a problem, but that's a lot of additional work for them. It's way less extra work for me to read menus and pick two that look like they have the best odds of being a good fit for a friend and just ask if either are a good option or if they want to offer a suggestion. They are being invited to affirm what's good for them instead of being constantly forced to re-communicate boundaries just to participate in social activity.

[@stephanieok5365]

@@ACDBunnie when to ask is a good question and probably depends on the relationship but I can answer for myself if it's helpful! The time to ask is when you want to know something, because I think if a person waits until the perfect moment, they'll just forget. Especially in relationships with dueling neurodivergences. If I can't give a response in the moment, I just say, "that's a good question I don't know how to answer right now, but I'll come back to it," and hopefully one or both of us remember. ^^; I'll use the example of splitting chores in a relationship where you live together. It can't be my responsibility to proactively communicate every. single. time. a chore needs to be done. It's like being a project manager while also participating in the project. It's too much work and not really a partnership if I'm also the defacto manager. The person you live with needs to contribute because they live there too. It's not help, it's you live here too. If you have time to do a chore but you don't know what chore to do, asking the person you live with, "mind if I run the dishwasher?" (making a guess and getting confirmation) or "what's something I can grab?" (determine priority) is a good strategy -- after awhile you might not need to do this as much.

[@GN315-pe6ul]

@@ACDBunnie what I mean is, if I do something he doesn't understand, for example why I sleep later some days than others, or why I eat the same exact food for days or weeks in a row, or basically anything I do that is different than what he does or what he has ever seen anyone else do, then if he needs more information about why I do that thing to understand me better, or even if he is just curious, then at that point it is on him to initiate a discussion and ask whatever questions he needs to ask to gain whatever level of clarity he needs to feel he understands. If I eat the same foods repeatedly (common in autistics), I will not know he needs more information about that unless he communicates to me that he needs more information about that. If instead of asking, he concludes something negative about me, like that I am boring, or that I like the same things so he stops asking me to do new things (because he concluded in his mind that this is what the same food behavior means without ever asking me about it), then he may begin to behave in ways that are hurtful or that cause unnecessary conflict that could have been avoided if he had instead just asked. It should not be on me to guess that he needs an explanation about a behavior he doesn't understand so that future problems are avoided. He should ask, Hey why do you do X? What need of yours is that about? It is just as unfair to expect me to guess which parts of me existing he needs further information to understand. I have no way of knowing what information he needs. Does he need to know why I eat the same foods over and over? Does he need to know why it is a specific food? Does he need to know something else entirely about it? Does he need to know how long I have been like this? Or is that irrelevant? How can I guess what questions he has in his head about it without him communicating them?

[@OfEarthandSea]

Body language stuff always makes me so frustrated because I've almost lost friends due to me being unable to read theirs, or they were misreading mine. It's frustrating, especially when it come to the "how to know if they are flirting" video. There was a person who kept saying I was flirting with one of my friends who was already in a relationship. I was so anxious at the thought of anyone thinking I was flirting with them because they were strictly just a friend. My body and face often don't match what I'm thinking and I knew that was going to be used against me. I'm lucky enough that my friend realized that because of my autistic expression that the person was misconstroing my intentions.

[@pear92]

20:13 your reaction during this part was great and also my same reaction lol it was so awkward watching them demonstrate the facial expressions 😆

[@milamila1123]

The first girl just wants people to read her mind, I feel. Also, it's important to note, knowing what someone might want for their birthday comes from YEARS of getting to know a person. You can't "just know" what someone wants after not having interacted with them for any amount of time. I don't know if this is true, or not, but I feel like this applies to sex, as well; a lot of people expect their partner to just KNOW what they want and what feels good for them, but in truth, it is only you who knows your own body - you need to tell them what it is that you want, and they need to tell you what they want, so that both of you could have a good time.

[@YorelG]

20:59 As a neurodivergent/autistic, I literally fell off my chair hysterically laughing so hard. That is literally the best authentic facial expression I have ever saw. LOL! Whenever I need something humorous or anything to laugh in order to help me feel even happier, I can always come back to this video. 😂😂🤣🤣

[@olgaw5082]

Honestly same I was crying laughing at this😂

[@MareaRayneOleander]

That last bit on the end is so true. Eye contact is not the best indicator of anything. I remember back in grade school i was constantly told to look at the board and when i did, i couldn't concentrate on what was being said because there was too much to look at around the room. Then in high school, i would draw in the margins of my notebooks during class and i could listen soo much better by limiting the visual stimuli. Of course in high school, they didn't care much about what you did during class as long as you weren't disruptive and got passing grades.

[@Catlily5]

Doodling helped me take notes!

[@thelingeringartist]

This. I used to explain whenever I was having a new teacher for the semester to them… “I promise I’m not ignoring you when I’m drawing away in my sketchbook/notebook, it helps me focus with my ADD!!” though.. now looking back.. it probably helped in more ways than just my ADD.

[@kohakuhunter]

The invisible expectations thing drives me crazy at work when people don't give direct instructions. This trait of anticipating the needs of your manager without them making any effort is so highly valued in the NT world. For some reason it never crosses their mind how much more effective work would be if they just learned to directly communicate what they want from you from the start. Yet somehow the onus is on you to figure it out without asking too many clarifying questions out of fear that you will come off as annoying and difficult to work with. Even though invisible expectations so blatantly bother me at work, I don't know why I never thought the same thing could apply to relationships. Perhaps I've also fallen prey to conventional advice, but there are times where it feels like a partner is not being proactive about communicating themselves and requires your nagging to fix issues in the relationship so the burden falls on you to have to constantly do the communicating. Idk the lines are still blurry for me, but I do feel as though my perspective has changed a bit.

[@soapy-cat]

Yes yes!!! Always trying to control my behaviours so that people don’t interpret me incorrectly!!! It’s so exhausting to try and keep up with all of that

[@adanufgail]

"You shouldn't have to say what you want or what you need" is a toxic trait known as 'mind reading." It's often something abusers say to further gaslight their partners that the partner is in the wrong in the future when the abuser changes their mind about what they want.

[@jwmmitch]

The first girl is essentially complaining she has to self advocate with her partners "Whaaa I have to ask for what I want. It's so unfair my bf can't read my mind"

[@Sparkling34]

15:50 this seems similar to the people who are like "I don't like their vibes" and use that as an excuse to go with their gut feelings about a person which are often prejudiced and is just another way to be judgemental of people different from you.

[@Kloops]

15:27 wow. I was raised to please my mom. Make sure she was always happy. And I went into my marriage the same way. Doing what I could to try to make my husband happy. Come to find out I didn’t know how to speak for myself. And just today. For the first time at the age of 48 I was able to tell my attorney to start working for me because he had been allowing my husband to bully me in the divorce papers. I had been too much of a coward and scared to speak up for myself. And it’s hard. So hard.

[@Alba-pc6bz]

Well done for speaking up. 🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉 Hope you re proud of yourself every time you re trying 😊

[@saganhuxley]

6:34 “I shouldn’t have to teach people how to consider me in their day.” In the particular way this is being framed that girl sounds narcissistic. I don’t have the capacity to constantly think about others in the way *they* might demand. We can all be kind and compassionate with one another without love bombing our friends with junk jewelry. Further, I gift freely to those who carry the energy that innately compels me to gift them. Final thought: If you want something from me then say it, and I’ll let you know if it’s within my capacity.

[@Link-dx1lx]

I feel like the word narcissism gets thrown around way to much online, you literally only saw a short clip of them ? You can say it sounds selfish or self absorbed for sure but let's not just call everyone who's being a bit egotistical a narcissist

[@saganhuxley]

@@Link-dx1lx I do not casually use the word “narcissist” or “narcissism” having been an actual victim of physical torture and violence at the hands of REAL narcissists. The phrase “I feel like narcissism gets thrown around a lot,” is being parroted in too many spaces to count now. Let me break it down: Expecting yourself to be top of mind in other people’s minds, a constant priority in other people’s lives, is indeed a narcissistic trait. I didn’t say “the girl IS a narcissist.” I said “that girl SOUNDS narcissistic.” Nuance. So, I shall provide a breakdown below of the traits, broken out by category of narcissistic personality type. 🧠🤳🏻Grandiose Narcissist Traits: * Shallow empathy * Entitled * Arrogant * Grandiose * Egocentric * Constantly seeking admiration and attention * Quick to anger * Need to be dominant * Charming * Charismatic * Arrogant * Preening * Pretentious * Always talk about themselves * Shame filled Vulnerable Narcissist Traits: * “Covert narcissists” * Anxious * Resentful * Sullen * Chronically victimized * Ho-hum and “must be nice” types who cannot celebrate other’s wins * Lack of empathy * Entitlement Communal Narcissist Traits: * Get validation and admiration from being perceived as saving the world * “How come more people didn’t like my post on the thing I’m doing to give back?!” types * Spiritual spaces are riddled with them (wannabe gurus) * Awful to people on an individual basis (the people helping them with their cause) while charismatic and typically feigning empathy in front of groups Malignant Narcissist Traits: * All of the traits of a Grandiose Narcissist combined with the following: * Psychopathic * Exploitative * Calculating * Coercive * Controlling * Menacing Vulnerable Narcissist Traits (this one is a bit newer): * They think they’re owed something because they’ve been victimized or marginalized * They gaslight others to support them because of their trauma * Thrives on attention and accolades * Consistently blames others for their own mistakes * Prone to feelings of shame * Passive aggressive * Guilting others (actively and passively) * “Punishing” others in order to try and receive positive feedback or get you to “chase” them * Neurotic * Pretends to be introverted, coy, or demure * Manipulative 🌠

[@stars_will_fall]

i loved the whispering! i fall asleep to your videos sometimes because it's comforting to me to hear someone articulate my same experiences, and a whispered version would be even better ❤ a separate asmr channel for it would be amazing. it wouldn't even have to be full on asmr triggers, just simply whispering about autistic experiences or anything else would be so nice

[@Alba-pc6bz]

Agreed.

[@skylarsaysstuff]

Doubly agreed.

[@hallievanoutryve3109]

That first girl was expecting a man to read her mind, and getting upset when they don't meet her expectations. That is legit unhealthy behavior from anyone!! I learned that in recovery, and I think it is true. Esp. If they are still getting to know you (esp,if you weren't friends first)

[@tulsalien]

Thank you for this. I think you’re getting very close to digging into how and why people who are autistic experience more abuse. When you said “playing hard to get” I recognized this because that was someone’s justification for committing drug assisted sexual assault on me. I blamed myself for a long time because of content like that giving me a ton of shame like I should have known he would do all that to me. If I would have known I wouldn’t have been at that party. It took me over a decade to make sense of all that though. Thank you so much for sharing your experiences and thoughts so widely here on social media. ❤

[@HaloHighlightz]

I’ve thought some of the same thoughts as the “shouldn’t have to teach you to consider me” woman, but hearing her say it aloud, I immediately thought you can’t dictate how someone shows up for you. Edit: my guy is the opposite of the second clip, he wants me to tell him exactly what to do, and it used to upset me, but there’s nothing wrong with it bc he’s still learning me and I him. I realize now that what I want comes from years of being in direct, intimate relationship, which is what the first clip said - her friends who just know what she’d like have probably been her close friends for years. This video has been a huge eye opener so thank you for that!

[@Fluxiton]

Telling others what you want is important no bigger turn off than a woman that can't communicate and then blames the guy for not knowing.

[@skyrunnerblake1481]

I feel you on this. A lot of these convos on invisible relationship conversations I feel are very extreme. I don't think its really beneficial or realistic for people to learn all the expectations on their own - nor is it healthy. Absolutely 💯 there are so many situations where that can become really unhealthy, especially if you are neurodivergent but loads of other things apply too . Of course i don't think the solution is to tell each other every expectation in the moment constantly and not let each other learn or make decisions on their own or think about your needs themselves. I always figured the best way was to slowly learn the big stuff over time- by directly communicating! And continue expressing things if and when you need to. I swear, neurotypical people really seem allergic to direct communication sometimes. People aren't perfect, and yeah sometimes people will choose not to meet your needs (or not be capable of meeting both yours and their own) but holding resentment over something without bringing it up at all is not fair for anybody. How many times is fair to try or resolve things, or what is reasonable to expect is different depending on the situation, people, and what is possible, of course, but still I feel like that is the base of conflict resolution and healthy relationships. I will shout to the rooftops that direct communication and other related stuff isn't just necessary for neurodivergent folks well being but also better for everyone!

[@fanime1]

My therapist told me that when I have trouble sleeping, to get up and walk. That did the exact opposite of what I wanted. It just woke me up further and gave me the worst night sleep I ever had.

[@Catlily5]

I agree.

[@pendafen7405]

As a woman with an autism diagnosis (level 1, in 2020), I have been on a recent journey to reclaim my own self trust and authority, taking less (and often poor) advice from others who cannot help me like I can.

[@elfie6743]

I agree with the first part so much, the whole "if they wanted to, they would" is so anxiety inducing on both ends, and I don't think it's healthy for people (esp autistic people) to constantly be guessing what others need. Clear communication is so important, and though non-autistic people may use indirect communication successfully, it's so important for people to realise also that they can't mind read!

[@elfie6743]

also, the body language thing i feel like is such a problem, I hope that as people become more aware of the autistic experience, they learn that not everyone is using body language and indirect cues to communicate!

[@rainbowstarks]

i got in a huge amount of trouble by following the advice of strangers on the internet. i stopped doing it once i realised everyone is just talking out of their ass (yeah, even some "professionals".)

[@TwoForFlinchin1]

For the lady who is talking about her boyfriend not acting like her friends I think it's odd that she frames it as her partner not knowing what to do with her versus her not knowing what to do to communicate her needs to her partner. I'm not trying to judge her but she seems like she fits my idea of a stereotypical woman with the average set of women's interests and perhaps her friends aren't being more thoughtful they're just imposing their own interest on to her and because they are so similar they happen to fit her needs. When her partner does the same thing it feels wrong because he is coming at it from a different perspective. But to me this would be like someone from a different country giving me a gift that's normal for them but is unusual in my context. Like I can't be mad at someone for communicating their love to me in a way that they feel comfortable with and then be angry at having to do the work of communicating across our backgrounds. I don't know if there's extra contexts but it's weird to me that she felt like posting that without even alluding to the fact that she has told him that she doesn't like that and that his behavior is making her inclined towards ending the relationship. The weirdest thing about allistic* culture is that a lot of people have expectations that completely disregard the minds of other people and assume knowledge that they literally can't have. I don't know if this is a thing that happens with being socialized as a male but I really don't care about taking pictures. But I feel like women tend to take more pictures.

[@thethoughtspot222]

Very interesting points!

[@ACDBunnie]

Wow! Thanks for this. I didn't think about this but so true

[@tracik1277]

This is what I was thinking. And I don’t take photos, I’m useless at it and I’m uncomfortable with pictures of myself.

[@TwoForFlinchin1]

​@@tracik1277 I like taking pictures for a random group of people but I don't really think about taking a selfie of me and my friends in the moment

[@Catlily5]

I don't think she even has a boyfriend. She is complaining about her friends partners.

[@shylathiel]

I tell people my preferenc we and desires point blank, they still can't accommodate. Depends on your own dynamics of attraction and raising as to how that aligns. Plus my preference s don't change around, my preferences are solid, consistent. I "show up" for myself as a result, to make up for the imbalance in my surroundings. My needs are clarified over and over, they are like you don't need this or that is more what I go thru. I also lack in running urgently to meet the needs of others for long blocks of time, like a silent rebellion.

[@shylathiel]

Also the expectation that someone who cares will pay attention isn't how it works with everyone. Many people who pay attention to that extend of detail, trying to see what makes me tick, tend to be gathering information,leverage over me emotionally in order to control me lovespell style. honestly I prefer t he less attentive type since the other description of personality is more draining to me physically.

[@alexisamarikwa4907]

i’m currently watching the good doctor and i think shaun is a good example of this. it’s not that he doesn’t care, it’s just that he doesn’t know how to show up for people unless they communicate their needs with him. once that *direct* communication happens, he shows us in the most thoughtful ways. like when he tested lea’s fish after it died and got her a new one or when he got the keys to lea’s car after it was towed. the little presents and thoughtful, intentional gifts & symbolism.

[@Girackan0]

I liked the whispering at the start, maybe you could do it as a segment: 'tiny talks with Irene' or something that has a name to it so those with misophonia or sound sensitivities are aware. You could also subtitle those videos so people who dont like the whispering can mute the video and not miss out.

[@chocoboasylum]

That first clip, I feel like I've been trained to put other people's needs before my own so I will 'monitor' the people around me to see what their likes and dislikes are. But if someone tried to figure out what I wanted I would find that very uncomfortable

[@marixlife]

Omg. The body language thing… I def binge read all of those books when I was a teen to try and understand other people 😂 but I’m hard of hearing, so I always read lips… which in body language terms, means I want to kiss the person? Like literally no, I’m just trying to comprehend the words coming out of your mouth 💀

[@sunnaarnadottir5384]

Because of people trying to read minds by watching "body language" so attaching imagined meaning to my stims I've been called so many contradicting things like overly honest and liar when really I'm just trying to pay attention, make sure I understand and am understood and follow social norms like eye contact, nodding etc while also trying to not distract the other person wile doing all that. People really do like to pretend they're sherlock holmes when it comes to this stuff

[@clivematthews95]

I totally relate to this video. I am somebody who is in a very bad situation in my life and I have traumatic stress disorder and post traumatic stress disorder because of a lot of what I suffered in childhood. I hate it when somebody has invisible expectations of me and expects me to just figure them out. The problem is in not fulfilling such expectations and the name-calling that comes with that. I prefer clear, concise, aboveboard communication, I thrive in that. I believe people are different so I don’t try to apply cookie-cutter responses to different peoples requests. I don’t think it’s fair to judge someone based on believing that their body language should be the same as everybody else’s. I do believe in studying someone to see if they’re cool with you or not, but I don’t think you should specifically expect one person to behave or respond or have mannerisms like others in order for you to believe that you know them or that that’s what makes them “normal”. I’m neurotypical, and I’ve heard many people speak badly about someone simply because they insist that they don’t behave like other people, I always tend to go and be honest with said person to find out more about them from them directly, simply because I hate badmouthing someone. Videos like this, and channels like yours always help to educate me in how different other people can be from me, or sometimes I even find out just how much I have in common with someone I expect to be different from me. I’m sorry that sometimes making your content takes away your “spoons” (I have to find out what that means), but I do like that you observed your hummingbird visitors and that you learned so much about them 😊 You’re so sweet ☺️ please, keep taking care of yourself as well ❤

[@pandorabryn]

I love the premise of this video! I’ve thought a lot about all the bad advice (that may have been good if I was NT) that was given to me when I was a kid. A lot of it really screwed me up for a long time because I didn’t know I was autistic. I just thought I was broken. The worst advice I ever got was “trust your feelings“ and “follow your intuition.” It wasn’t until I was in my 30s that I learned that intuition needs to be trained with logic and reasoning skills!

[@greenginger6668]

26:29 the woman on this clip kinda tried to make an exception for neurodivergent people who have problems making eye contact… then she just smashed it by claiming that if they are really close to you they will be comfortable making eye contact with you.

[@Abc123z1000]

Several years ago, a guy I used to be friends with tried to “tell” me that he thought I had borderline personality disorder; this was before I knew I had ADD. Back then, I had so much trouble regulating my emotions, was overstimulated by everything going on around me. I stopped talking to him shortly after that. Also! Thank you for speaking about that last TikTok video. When she was going on about eye contact, microexpressions, etc., I was facepalming. For me, there is NO chance that I’m going to notice which is why I appreciate direct communication. I also listen better when I’m not making eye contact 😂 maybe that advice works for neurotypical people but that’s not me. 👋

[@___epoh123]

I appreciate your content so much. Thank you.

[@leilap2495]

Having a partner who is receptive to what our needs and desires are, when we communicate it to them, is what is important.

[@gbail9566]

You have a serious talent. Voiceover acting? But seriously, you can speak in any voice. I've noticed how deeply you've felt different voice levels and production, much more than most content creators🎉

[@gbail9566]

No sarcasm intended

[@NonsensicalReality]

Jeeez, most neurotypiucal guys wouldn't be able to meet all that first women's needs, never mind someone on the spectrum. She needs to be realistic and either lower her expectations or clearly communicate what she likes so her partner knows and perhaps even tell him what she wants specifically. Either that or just trust him to get her something and understand he's doing his best.

[@theadversary]

This might sound counterintuitive but watching you react to the girl talking about facial expressions was very funny to me. I could outright FEEL your frustration with the video and found that so relatable 😂.

[@Lynnwozere]

20:00 omg that lady gave me so much anxiety, sometimes my expressions have zero to do with how i’m actually feeling 😭 like girl it’s not that deep

[@emoly8507]

Thank you so much for talking about invisible expectations. I'm currently struggling with that in my relationship - they don't want to have to tell me what they need, they expect me to either know or figure it out and I don't know how to do that. It's led to a lot of stress in our relationship and I feel like I'm failing them. They tell me they don't think I care about them because of it and I don't know how to otherwise let them know how much I do truly care.

[@alexandrakeenan-krilevich8005]

I actually love it!!!! Your whisper voice is soooooooo soothing 🥰

[@brandonmyers9660]

thank you for making videos, i listen to your videos on my drive to work everyday and it’s super relaxing while doing something stressful like driving

[@savanaerie]

your whisper mode is fantastic 👍

[@realbartsimpson]

The first video you showed triggered the shit out of me. I wouldn't be able to deal with such a person.

[@elizacrafts4507]

Thank you so much for making it easy to skip the whispering. I've only watched a couple videos and your videos already make me feel so seen in the detail and care you put into them.

[@thiccletics]

So for body language- no one thing will indicate deception. You have to know the persons baseline first. There is a whole psychology to it

[@paprikashaker]

Thank you for sharing. I am enjoying your content. Just got my official diagnosis last week at 28. So much in my life is making sense now and your content is helping me understand life lol

[@johnwilliammaxwell5044]

In spite of my misaphonia usually being quite intense, I really enjoyed the whispering part of this video and would love to see more like that.

[@jessiev3030]

I struggle to keep eye contact with friends that I have had for 10yrs. But I love them. I care about them and think about them often. Im so happy that my friends listen when I explain my issues with eye contact. And I'm thankful that they accept me as I am or I wouldn't have any friends.

[@MawoDuffer]

That keep eye contact one later in the video can’t even keep 100% eye contact with the camera 😂 and she’s lecturing us about body language she doesn’t even understand

[@Atenana]

Ohhhh i love that you use this "premiere" function, I can turn on the notification for this exact video, then I can be sure I won't miss it in the evening. I love listening to your videos while doing something else, they are done so meticulously. They're always full of knowledge, but also your thoughts and feelings on the topic. This always lets me see other perspectives. I was diagnosed really late with ADHD, so being ableist towards myself is still something i have to fight daily. KEEP UP THE GREAT WORK 🎉❤

[@Atenana]

Ps. Sorry for any grammatical errors, it's not my first language 😊

[@GN315-pe6ul]

@@Atenana it always blows my mind when non-native speakers have been conditioned to feel they should apologize for errors, when in reality you are the real star for speaking more than one language!

[@Catlily5]

I wish I could speak that well in my second language!

[@truman3.0]

19:30 😂 On another parallel flat earth I feel like we would be a great match Usually dislike hearing the close up in detail sounds of mouth / voice recording ASMR style but your American voice for some reason worked

[@haniahania2028]

I found your experiences very relatable!! Thanks for the video!! ❤

[@tallyshay217]

I think the first videos were touching more on the "mental load" in relationships and how it is typically not shared equally or equitably between partners. It also seemed to have a dash of heterofatalism in there. You do make some good points about being up front about communication though that i think is good advice for anyone ❤

[@ladypaprika627]

At first, was disturbed by the whispering, then you said that it was self-accommodating, and it was less disturbing. In fact, good for you. That's pretty incredible that you can be self-accommodating.

[@sheep1ewe]

This was really great! Thank You for making this!

[@four1629]

for the body language one i'm so glad that we laughed at the same time for the "cheek quiver" imitation LMAOOO it's just so specific. and i love when ppl say "they'll be flushed" bcs as a black person, that truly never happens. i've had the physical sensation of my face getting hot sometimes, but there isn't any visible difference so it becomes clear who that advice is catered to

[@themotherranch]

I had no idea that listening to someone whisper would be soothing! 😮😊

[@Diversity_in_Neurodiversity]

Lol I love your reaction to the "facial reading 101" video--I was looking down at my phone when that one started playing, and my reactions were literally in sync with yours XD

[@whimsylore]

If you do whispering videos put it in the title and then do only whispering rather than switching in the same video, I think that'd be helpful for sound and inner expectation levels

[@mmaarriioo13]

Your videos feel like comfort food thank you

[@shylathiel]

Many good points in your video. I'm glad you speak about these things.

[@user-pe5os4zy3g]

I hate most of the online romantic advice. I have this bad habit of right away assuming someone could be flirting with me instead of just being nice and these videos just makes me even more confused and anxious.

[@blu_heron]

This video is so cool. It’s taken me years to learn how to openly communicate my feelings and needs with friends and loved ones both neurodiverse and not. I am still learning so many important lessons about the nuances of communicating with my voice and my body and how that affects the people I care about around me. Maybe it’s taken me time in overcoming anxiety related to communicating my needs because of PTSD, but I know that my relationships that teach me more about how to openly communicate-no matter how difficult it can be to learn-become stronger and based in trust.

[@blu_heron]

Okay lol I commented before this section of the video about body language. When I said that there are nuances to body language, I meant that the way I communicate stress through my body affects others. What I’ve learned from having autistic family members is that my body language is different from their body language in subtle ways and that neither of us has the correct or incorrect body language, we are simply both unique people and our emotions show up in our bodies in a multitude of ways.

[@hallievanoutryve3109]

I hadn't put together my inability to handle certain noises with my severe dislike for ASMR, until I saw the note on the bottom of the screen about skipping ahead. I have learned so much from this channel!

[@thecornucopiasystem]

A tip for dealing with mouth clicks we learned during our voice acting hyperfixation, making sure you're well hydrated helps with reducing mouth sounds. Or a quick and tasty fix is to munch on some green apples

[@paulinejulien9191]

That whispered intro was a nice surprise as I love ASMR ❤ I wouldn’t mind you doing more of that!

[@user-sm9tg4rc1n]

your videos being me so much joy

[@jess57565]

i love the whispering, i say do what you’re feeling!!!

[@bloublabligloblu]

That body language video was hilarious! And incidentally, I'm pretty sure I've never seen your face be so expressive as when you were watching it! I don't know if you'll see my comment but thank you for making this video which helped me gain some perspective over a lot of advice and idealization of relationships that I've internalized over the years.

[@Lysandra_Bouquet]

Really great video. I resonated with a lot of what you said. Also yes yes, please please do do some videos going forward where you're whispering the whole time. It makes my brain happy and it's great for the days when I have migraines which is literally every other day. Also that's so sweet about the hummingbirds.

[@lilijagaming]

So many things in this video hit close. While I don't generally struggle with eye contact that much, I know that if I become even slightly emotionally agitated I cannot maintain eye contact and keep up with what someone is saying. And the same goes with talking about difficult things. If I need to focus on my words and be precise, eye contact distracts me. In fact when having a difficult conversation with my partner it is easier for me to play a game on a side (my comfort game that doesn't require much concious thought). It took me some time to realize why I am doing that and to explain to him that this is not me disrespecting him. I also started to explain to my partner that when I say things to him there is no second meaning. There is attempt of manipulation on my side. Also the anxiety of meeting people's hidden expectations. Oh boy, the story of my life. I still sometimes hear from people in my life that I should have figured something out. But for some time now I am quite firm in communicating that I will not figure things out unless they are explicitly communicated to me. I know I sometimes might figure something out but this is not my baseline and trying to make it my baseline is unreachable. While there is still some resistance or maybe people are just still used to that expectation I think it's happening less and for sure I don't let the guilt about it reach me. I resuse to take responsibility for things I don't know.

[@umairahfaridfaisal2778]

Thought dump here on video one: I think not even allistic people know what they want as a present at the end of the day. I think when the creator said 'this one specific present made me feel loved' it's in that sense that 'my friend has known the outline of me enough to think this might be a good present, and it is'. Allistics (mostly) want a specific collection of data of themselves be in our heads. A representation of them in other people's heads. Its like a sense of gender. When someone does something gender-affirming, it's a zing of joy. If a present someone gives them is personality-affirming, it's a zing of joy. They like gambles. They want us to gamble with what information we have of them. When a gamble pays off they think 'oh it's because they know me SO well' when in reality its a lot more 'I'm throwing spaghetti at this one tile on the wall to see what sticks'. It's still toxic, gamifying things like this. I don't think anyone would appreciate this train of thought if told to them directly. I think it builds resentment in the constant spaghetti-thrower in the long run, allegorically using all that energy to do hits and misses. It's like a mutual process of Pavlov-ing that crumbles when both parties realize its not love but inertia keeping them going