But what does Masking feel like from the Inside?

I'd love to post more frequently on this channel because I have WAY too many ideas! To make the possible, I've started a Patreon. If you join, you'll get get 2 exclusive videos a month and access to the Discord server, even on the lowest tier:
/ imautisticnowwhat
🐌 If you want to learn more about the Patreon & Discord community, I have a video tour! 🐌: • Introducing... THE ANT...
Remember that you could experience a few of these and not be autistic. Equally, you may not relate to some of these points and still be autistic. We're all so different. Please also note that when I say women or female, the traits I am discussing could be experienced by any gender. It is not black and white.
WATCH NEXT:
Does EVERYONE Mask? Autistic vs Introverted:
• Does EVERYONE Mask? | ...
How to know if you're Masking Autism:
• How to Know if you're ...
00:00 Year 2 sob story
02:00 what masking really is
02:59 primary/elementary school was trash too
03:30 masking 2.0
03:52 the masking internal monologue
04:58 doing unnatural things
05:15 do you look interested enough?
06:20 copycat
06:34 masking is laughing
07:06 hands, ew!
08:04 you are a great playwright
08:30 why I don't leave the house
09:10 basically lying
11:13 meltdowns when you're safe
12:25 re-brand yourself
14:35 you can extrovert
15:33 who even are you?
16:20 my autistic granddaughter
16:48 masking as a privilege
17:22 removing the mask
17:47 autism in women
18:10 an interesting stim
If you want to know more about autistic traits, you may find these three videos helpful...
10 Traits of Autism in Females around social differences:
• Are you just Socially ...
10 Traits of Autism in Females around sensory differences:
• 10 Traits of Autism in...
10 Traits of Autism in Females around emotional differences and interests:
• 10 Traits of Autism yo...
Sources:
Mom on the Spectrum & Woodshed Theory's live on Autism & Friendships:
• Autism & Friendship 10...
Autistic People & Masking by Dr Hannah Belcher:
www.autism.org.uk/advice-and-...
Finding the True Number of Females with Autistic Spectrum Disorder by Estimating the Biases in Initial Recognition and Clinical Diagnosis (2022):
www.mdpi.com/2227-9067/9/2/27...
I really hope this is helpful/useful to you in some way. Thank you so much for taking to the time to watch! Feel free to make requests for future videos in the comments below.
DISCLAIMER: I am a second-year psychology student and a late-diagnosed #actuallyautistic individual. I am not a qualified healthcare professional.
*Books I'd Recommend about Autism:
Different not Less by Chloe Hayden (read if you want to cry):
amzn.to/40fKx2m
Aspergirls by Rudy Simone:
amzn.to/3xSZ6Mg
*Links with a star are affiliate links. The channel will receive a small commission if you buy anything on Amazon after clicking through with this link. There's no extra cost to you and any money will go towards putting out more content. I'd love to post twice a week and put more time into research for these videos. Thank you so much - I really appreciate every like and comment!

[@CaffeinatedDinosaur]

As an autistic person, sometimes I don’t feel like I’m me. I feel like a collection of traits I have taken from people I like and squashed into an acceptable personality. I wish I could change this but I don’t know what to go back to. I feel like if I change one thing people will start hating me again but I’m just so tired of it. Thank you for these videos, they make me feel less alone and wrong.

[@emmy-si]

i completely relate

[@Rocket_Try]

Yes, it is exactly the same with me. Worst thing is, I thought that would be normal before I really started researching autism. I fell victim to the wrong belief that autistics can't understand facial expressions at all. What I did not know is that neurotypicals do not constantly look at the different parts of people's faces and consciously check, what they could mean and how I have to adjust. I come across as highly sociable, but I burn out from it so quickly😔

[@UniCornisss]

I also completely relate, I feel you, I did use to do very weird and awful things when I was a kid, that I didnt understand where wrong by the social norm but when I go back at it I still feel bad thinking about the things they also did to me, specially the Teachers ignorance about this kind of thing, Im still doubting my diagnose, since it was done quite quickly and just a few months ago, so it still feels weird, I am trying to find more professionals that can confirm I am authistic or maybe just very sensitive to extern stimulation (light, sound and smell specifically) , and maybe just "socially awkward" due to bullying

[@UniCornisss]

​@@Rocket_Try yes!! I also have a ""social personality"" but its a combination of trying to seem careless of peoples opinions, and try to seem friendly (but this also is very exhausting and I dont like being around too many people for too long unless im very very comfortable and trusting of this people) I say a lot of "bad words" or just be very informal so that I come across as "friendly" (when I actually do this because I am nervous when meeting new people, I almost do it uncounciusly), but its a 50/50 bet of wether people will find it funny and/or welcoming or just straight up find me weird, disrespectful or dumb/stupid, and this has happened, I can tell by how some people treat me, or just by their reactions that make me doubt myself even more

[@elieli2893]

Not autistic but an adhd-haver, but dear goodness is it frustrating to realize you've copied some quality or way of talking from a character in a show you like, once again 😅 I did it constantly as a teen and young adult, and I think I still do. The worst is when the character is an odd one or really cartoonish. I don't know if I do it with real people, but I don't think it would be surprising 😬 I just generally think everyone is a collection of traits they take from their surroundings, and that's what makes a person 🤷 Of course there are like, preferences and stuff, but I guess that's what makes a personality?

[@Mimikyu007]

I am a high masking autistic, and the difference between interacting with my neurotypical friends and autistic ones is HUGE

[@keylanoslokj1806]

Of course it is

[@justaguitarplayer2059]

How did you meet others ?

[@arsenal4444]

@@justaguitarplayer2059 yeah fr this lol recently having my own self discovery stuck at this step rn

[@gavinclark6891]

I... wish I could tell my friends how much this mattered to me, but yes.

[@SmallSpoonBrigade]

@@justaguitarplayer2059 Probably the best way is to see if there's a local group.If not, reach out to the closest charity to see about starting one.

[@dosbabymama]

My daughter was recently diagnosed at age 16, but I first asked her pediatrician about it when she was almost 3. Her dr assured me there was no way...she's verbal, makes eye contact, had an advanced vocabulary, hit all milestones, etc. Over the years I'd see more and more traits and bring it up again, and the dr told me to stay off the "mommy blogs". One thing I always found interesting is since pre-k, she's kind of been a magnet for kids on the spectrum, or kids with other special needs. They tend to gravitate to her. After diagnosis, she said things she's been feeling since she was little make sense. She feels validated. It's been awesome to watch her come into her own while working through her neuro-spiciness, without just feeling different.

[@Amiyuu0]

...that is exactly what happened to me :0

[@cameronschyuder9034]

"Neuro-spiciness" I really like that!

[@jessicaconrad7309]

This!!! I am extremely concerned that my 7 year old daughter will go not being diagnosed, simply because she does great in school, and is a girl. I saw the same behaviors in her that you saw in your daughter at 3. The doctors have pushed me off as well. Thank you for sharing! This is what I needed to read, to help me continue my fight for her ☺️

[@AskanHelstroem]

I've noticed this trend in Doctors, recently. Like they r just pondering the chances. My Dad died young, wile beeing super fit, non-smoker, just a single beer per week, and that was also mixed with sprite. He had heart issues. My Uncle had cardiac arrhythmia... So I asked the Doc for a checkup. "naah, not at ur age (30), u r way to young." (and I was massivly overweight, just a year ago) I could coax her, into trying. Oooh high blood pressure? and relativly thick blood? well...lucky me, I didn't had a Doc who wanted to dissuade me, from a preventive checkup... -.-' I was never diagnosed. Just recently noticed, I might have ADD. thx to a diagnosed friend of mine. And autism, thx to some videos, on that topic, but who knows. And I feel bad for it. Since it would mean, my Mom never noticed anything...And I don't want to imply, that she wasn't/isn't a good mom (also, the advanced vocabulary...ur daughter was/is reading like hell, I assume...)

[@ThirrinDiamond]

​@@jessicaconrad7309 thank you for doing so, i don't have a kid but i know just how much being undiagnosed has and still does damage me to this day. Thank you for continuing to fight for her right to exist and be herself 💗

[@fayerweatherdouglas7233]

I've never heard my internal experience with masking described so perfectly. To the point where I've been watching videos about autism and researching autism for the past two months straight, after suspecting that I'm autistic, and didn't even realize the extent of my "pretending to be normal" and how it's affected my life until now, simply because no other KZbinr to this date has described it so succinctly for me. That feeling of "are my hands normal" "am I sitting like a normal person?" "Does my facial expression make me look like I'm paying attention?" I thought I couldn't have autism because I can make eye contact, but then realized that when I make sustained eye contact with the person I'm talking to, I lose the ability to focus on what they're actually saying, because I'm too busy struggling to keep my mask in place. I will absolutely burn through your other videos. Thank you! This was incredibly illuminating!

[@QuinnieMae]

Perhaps you're experiencing a touch of Asperger's because for an autistic there's absolutely _no_ way it isn't obvious to carers what is going on. Typically most autistic people experience dysregulation in ways that are aggressive ie violence, fecal smearing and inability to verbalize. The way this person has described their symptoms more likely they are experiencing anxiety. Nothing noticeable to most people. No genuinely autistic young people I know are capable of covering their experience of being autistic, let alone for years. The functioning is such that they aren't able to interact... There's no "masking" with an actual Autism diagnosis! She's most likely not autistic. In reality most people have the quirks you write about. The girl in the video is pretty typical, too. Many young people seem to think they have autism due to the social media they consume and attention seeking traits/social contagion, but at best it's ADHD and _maybe_ GAD. Those diagnoses are pretty normal for most people! Nothing scary or special about those 🥰. Actually, in reality most autistic people are unable to go more than 10 minutes in conversation/discussion without specific markers of autism being absolutely undeniable. The number of people that are "high functioning" are ALSO extremely blase with very, very flat affect. The young woman in this video is not at all monotone or without affect. In fact, she's quite poised while emoting considerable emotion! Most autistic children that are high functioning are unable to focus the way she did in her conversation or the way _you_ did in your considerably long writing. Not many Autistic folks can do that without straying off topic and/or writing/speaking with technical precision, like an engineer. Describing emotion is rare for a high functioning autistic. And of course in low functioning autism, there would be no typing with the skill you've shown. Very frequently, being able to interact in any way (but especially with the expertise you did!) is simply not possible. Perhaps you have a touch of Asperger's? It would be worth you having a work up to see but most people like you have no need for diagnosis as you're not negatively impacted by your quirkiness! 🤓

[@chooseaname1423]

@@QuinnieMaeomg, there’s so many things that are wrong about what you wrote. Please don’t continue to tell others this information. You have a very narrow view of what autism is and can look like. Research historically was geared toward little white boys that like trains and done by men. Autism in females has not been researched enough. There are so many nuances that are not understood because the people studying autism and writing about it don’t even have it. I suggest you continue to watch KZbinrs sharing their stories about what it is like so you can begin to understand those nuances and how damaging it is for this field to be so behind that thousands go undiagnosed and suffer without help or understanding.

[@DearTamela]

I relate to your experience. I was diagnosed with ADHD in my late 20s but a year ago I saw posts about what being on the spectrum is like and they described me better that stuff on ADHD. Hearing these videos makes me feel like the traits nonone can place might be autism.

[@fayerweatherdouglas7233]

@@QuinnieMae I don't care if you call it Asperger's or Autism. Autism has levels. Level 3 autistics struggle with any socially appropriate behavior. Level 1s like me, and probably the person who made this video, also struggle, we just hide it better. I'm sorry, but my wetting the bed til I was 14, walking around on tiptoes my entire childhood, having tons of phobias, meltdowns, sensory overwhelm, fits of crying and self harm doesn't make me "quirky". My inability to swim, swallow pills, walk down stairs without carefully holding onto the handrail and watching my feet, the fact that I still sleep with a stuffed animal and break down crying when my routines change... that's not "quirky". I have suffered with the symptoms of being on the spectum my entire life. When you gaslight people about this, you're doing harm. We get told by medical professionals, friends and family that they don't believe we're autistic. We don't need to hear it again online, in a comments section about autistic traits.

[@AKayfabe]

me too I have never heard anyone else say this in this way and I have always been too afraid to say it myself on camera. I am astounded because I thought I was the only person that felt that way and I had no idea it was something to do with autism at all until today.

[@pear92]

Society as a whole needs to move away from expecting the fake “customer service” personality to be what’s expected and accepted. If I could just be myself and strangers be okay with it, there would be a lot more jobs available to me that didn’t throw me into deep anxiety. But as it is, I refuse to even apply for jobs that are customer-facing in any way, unless perfect-robot customer service isn’t expected (like tattooing; my big aspiration for the near future is to acquire my tattoo apprenticeship).

[@earth-air-water-fire-aether]

@Kris Or not care and not get a diagnosis if one chooses not to, it bugs me to know end when diagnosis are being used outside medical settings. People think they're doctors and understand these labels. Like it's good and all, but some should keep it to themselves because people don't appreciate labels being applied on them, myself inluded. So yes, society needs to move away the normalization of these labels like it has anything to do with identity. Part of my life was very difficult because people were so dumb and kept attemmpting to tell me I have mental issues, ADHD when something as simple as I do not care, isn't enough. People need to learn to listen to people, and maybe they may realize their actions have an affect on others.

[@autodidacticartisan]

You can also try for a job on the trades. You'll only have to interact with your half dozen or so coworkers and you can be yourself. Also there's a growing shortage in the trades, because of this wages have gone up with the average wages being between 50 and 70k per year and the top 10% making over 100,000k per year.

[@pear92]

@@earth-air-water-fire-aether All of that… has nothing to do with my comment. I didn’t say anything about labels or getting diagnosed.

[@reedroth7384]

Labor shortage because pay increased? Weird logic.

[@autodidacticartisan]

@Reed Roth it's the other way around. The labor shortage causes wages to increase. It's basic supply and demand. The shortage is most likely cause by every child growing up hearing they need to "stay in school" "get a degree" and "get a professional office job in the city". Which was good advice in the 90s when a ditch digger was making the same as a McDonald's employee, minimum wage.

[@aka.roryyy]

the fawning thing. i legit hate that, i'm a very contrary person, so when i find myself agreeing to stuff i don't agree with is irritating and feels inauthentic, which irritates me further. 💀

[@Jo-ds3xv]

I relate!!

[@LordofFullmetal]

Right? I like to think I'm firm in my beliefs. So it annoys the hell out of me when I'm put in a difficult social situation, and immediately all my beliefs go out the window and I'm agreeing with everything they say. But I don't know how to stop it.

[@amasterofone]

Yes! Exactly!

[@slimsonite2111]

It's an indescribably uncomfortable feeling 😝 Then I rehearse ways to clarify/"fix it" but I know it's too late and that would only make it worse

[@lisanneschop7317]

Can you relate to getting into a relationship because they were persistent and you weren't able to say no for more than three times in a row?

[@SirMaski]

Finally being diagnosed at the age of 24 was really a big relief. I used to feel like an alien trying to communicate with people and just assumed that I was always doomed to be, as I would put it back then, "socially retarded". A pretty cruel and offensive way to put it but its legit how I felt.

[@roadlesstraveled34]

That's what I always said. Like an alien, and I really get why I felt like that. I just knew there were not one but a lot of really profound differences from me and "normal people ".

[@Jackmonkey66666hghinnv]

Ahaha I refer to it as socially retarded quite a bit too obviously gonna rub some people the wrong way but idk I don’t think it’s that bad plus heaps of people without autism I’d say you can consider socially retarded purely just cause they suck at socialising in general lol you gotta be able to have some fun with stuff like that imo otherwise you give it way too much control over everything in your life and others more power to use it against you if you can’t even have some light banter about it 99% of people wont even say it in a derogatory way if they know it’s not going to get a reaction out of you

[@youraveragejdmenthusiast430]

I was diagnosed as a child, but I never really gave it any thought till I was 17 I felt like everyone on the planet hates me for some reason, even the teachers and I felt like an absolute idiot in social situations, didn't feel like I mattered that much till I switched schools

[@beuvelain]

I'm guilty of fawning. If I strongly dislike someone or become uncomfortable around them, I tend to compliment them more than I do with people I like. It's not something I do consciously, but I think about it afterwards, like WHY WAS I SO EXTRA NICE TO THAT PERSON WHO DEFINITELY DIDN'T DESERVE IT? I can be extremely honest and harsh with people too, but I think that I probably have to feel safe around them first. Either people I know and like or strangers I don't care about and who don't seem dangerous. Edit: I was bullied in school. Could be the reason.

[@juanitarn76]

I have called it ‘killing them with kindness’-if someone has a reputation of not being nice/friendly, etc., then I’ll approach them with EXTRA kindness/friendliness (usually not even consciously at first). But I explained it by saying those people then have a hard time being mean to me because I’m “so nice” No idea if that makes any sense, but yeah… 😆

[@moondvst4131]

​@@juanitarn76 Same, I had to make up a reasoning behind why I was doing that when really I was just acting like that unconsciously and then feeling confused afterwards because that person was rude to me in the first place and I didn't like them

[@margodphd]

It often comes from subconscious fear - placating someone so they don't hurt you.

[@cameronoleary3916]

On masking, playing D&D helped me deal with my Autism. Something about playing a character for 3 hours per week helped open myself up even though I wasn't shy.

[@imautisticnowwhat]

I can completely imagine how that would help! I think our interests often make us more confident too.

[@BaughbeSauce]

That's why I want to play so bad! A place where "me" isn't weird? I'm in.

[@Lil_Yuri]

I'm awful at D&D, that's how I tried to make friends but I was so passive and boring because I couldn't think of anything and basically was a non contributor 😢 (FWIW I'm an ADHD introvert, not autistic but was interested by the video)

[@Stands-In-The-Fire]

@@oatsmcgoats8493 A lot of the time, you can look online and find groups/games. There are a lot of Discord servers for either gaming or just other interests that may have a spot for people putting games together because there's often overlap. Some of the online virtual tabletops like Roll20 also have forums with looking for group sections. That's where I've found a few games in the past. And yes, gaming absolutely led to me (the labels people have used have morphed over the years from weirdo to socially *redacted* to introvert to "you're on the spectrum, right?" but having never actually looked into it I'd never claim a label) to be able to put on a Persona/Character when it came time to be in a situation where I have to Deal With People and blend in to one degree or another. I know it isn't something that's a universal solution, but anecdotally: it's helped me a ton. And doing it online makes it even easier because... well, screens vs people.

[@Stands-In-The-Fire]

@@oatsmcgoats8493 There are stories out there that make people think twice for a reason, I won't lie and say that gamers and game groups are all perfectly wonderful. But, in a fair few years and a good number of having groups I've only had one of *those groups*. And we all as players extricated ourselves from it pretty early on. You are far more likely, instead, to find a good group of weirdos.

[@usalscorner]

Masking is also very tiring. So much so that I stopped doing it so much about 15 years ago or so. But even not masking and being open about being autistic doesn't make socializing any easier. My wife understands that I need to be left alone to stim when all I can say is "too much people"

[@earth-air-water-fire-aether]

It isn't like most people don't have to tell people who they are. I'm saying this because so many people kept telling me I'm bi-polar, ADHD all this crap, but no one listened and they never wonder why I get 'moody'. I'm a man and it was incredibly difficult to voice how I felt in the past because people around me spreading their limited understanding of what makes a human and mental health and what it means to be an individual. Yes I'm an individual with a name, nothing more and nothing less. I never mask, but people still assume crap and it's like my name isn't enough of a label to identify with and what I've achieved in life. People ask me I'm Autistic, I ignore, people ask if I'm ADHD, I ignore. The point is, people will learn other people if they observe and listen. One thing I did was just be me, if people can't communicate, accept me just by name, then I probably shouldn't be around them.

[@sondra4789]

I think telling people you’re autistic would make it worse! Because now they’re looking even at your normal actions as weird because they’ll see what they expect to see.

[@1337flite]

Agreed. I didn't know that I was doing it until about 3 years ago which after 50 years on this planet of aliens was when i worked out I was different - I was the alien and was liely autiistic. But I had made a decision about 5 years ago to stop going to events that I didn't want to go to, as they tired me out. I know other people miss me - or say they do - but I feel so much better and when I offer those people who miss me the opportunity to visit me on my terms, e.g. my house - they rarely - to date never except my direct family - do.

[@brianmeen2158]

Masking is exhausting and I’ve tired of playing that role so I just stay on My Own now. But yes, masking or not masking doesn’t make socializing any easier or enjoyable

[@dhesyca4471]

I agree, masking is exhausting and people are exhausting.

[@theomoylan3458]

The lack of a sense of self is currently what’s really hard for me. I grew up with two very accepted autistic brothers and was a bit overlooked and went undiagnosed into my 20s but also very aware of the judgement from my peers pretty young so I started masking really young. Now it’s so hard to tell if something I’m doing is genuinely me or another mask. I don’t know almost anything about myself and it’s a very lonely feeling

[@lkqgirl3121]

I feel the same way.

[@QuinnieMae]

Perhaps you're experiencing a touch of Asperger's because in full blown shutdown for an autistic there's absolutely _no_ way that it isn't obvious to carers what is going on. Typically most autistic people experience dysregulation in ways that are aggressive ie violence, fecal smearing and inability to verbalize. The way this person has described their "shutdown" it's more likely they are experiencing what's called "a bad day". Nothing noticable to most people. No genuinely autistic young people I know are capable of covering their experience of being autistic, let alone a shutdown. The functioning is such that they aren't able to interact... There's no "masking" with an actual Autism diagnosis! She's most likely not autistic. In reality most people have the quirks you write about. The girl in the video is pretty typical, too. Many young people seem to think they have autism due to the social media they consume and attention seeking traits/social contagion, but at best it's ADHD and _maybe_ GAD. Those diagnoses are pretty normal for most people! Nothing scary or special about those 🥰. Actually, in reality most autistic people are unable to go more than 10 minutes in conversation/discussion without specific markers of autism being absolutely undeniable. The number of people that are "high functioning" are ALSO extremely blase with very, very flat affect. The young woman in this video is not at all monotone or without affect. In fact, she's quite poised while emoting considerable emotion! Most autistic children that are high functioning are unable to focus the way she did in her conversation or the way _you_ did in your considerably long writing. Not many Autistic folks can do that without straying off topic and/or writing/speaking with technical precision, like an engineer. Describing emotion is rare for a high functioning autistic. And of course in low functioning autism, there would be no typing with the skill you've shown. Very frequently, being able to interact in any way (but especially with the expertise you did!) is simply not possible. Perhaps you have a touch of Asperger's? It would be worth you having a work up to see but most people like you have no need for diagnosis as you're not negatively impacted by your quirkiness! 🤓

[@Lady.Fern.]

@@QuinnieMaedo some actual research before hoping on the internet and spewing nonsense all over. Aspergers is autism and is no longer it’s own diagnosis, it’s all just autism. Just because she scripted a video and then practiced making eye contact with a camera that has no eyes and practiced inflicting emotion in her words doesn’t mean she didn’t have to cut out all the takes were she forgot to inflict emotion or went off on a tangent that wasn’t in her scripted bulletin points. What an absolute bizarre take on this video please do yourself and everyone else a favor and get some updated research. Telling an autistic person that they’re not autistic and probably have a touch of Aspergers is literally confirming their autism. 😅

[@TheBanana93]

Its a huge spectrum is not cut and close like you seem to think. You don't know what she has! Asperger's is literally a type of autism... @@QuinnieMae

[@lizmullaney305]

Most autistics fecal smear?! Uh, no. Utter nonsense, as is the entirety of the rest of your diatribe based on incorrect poorly understood knowledge of autism from the 1950’s and 60’s. Stop lecturing people living with a syndrome as if you’re an expert when you’re only displaying your ignorance.

[@cynthiamartinez4193]

I’m a recently self diagnosed autistic. It’s always really frustrated how everyone else seemed to know how to socialize, what to say, how to react, how to show the right expressions. I always wish that social interactions came with that guy on live tv shows that held the script cards behind the camera so I’d finally know what to say, and mad that it couldn’t be that way. People’s questions are so confusing to me. Other females have made me so nervous my whole life, since I knew I couldn’t replicate how other girls acted. It’s taken me a long time to accept that the few female friends I’ve made actually do enjoy my company

[@elyaequestus1409]

'Primary school was a montage of people telling me that I was weird' Girl, that is such a mood. I got bullied heavily at primary school and I just shrunk until I wasnt noticed. And then they noticed me shrinking and picked on me even more. At some point I started disassociating and that.. made my life a lot easier at the time. However, hitting high school and peers wanting to engage with me... man. I was absolutely and utterly unable. It was only much later that I realized my parents are also traumatized people who also struggle with social expectations. My parents heavily project(ed) their own insecurities on me and drilled in me the need for 'socially acceptable behavior'. But as you stated, people sub conciously pick up autistic behavior. It makes their drilling for perfect adjustment seem more and more useless. I was so used to people crossing my boundaries, it was like a sport for both my bullies and my brother for quite a while, that engaging with peers in general was a triggering experience. It was only after I joined an anime forum, made online friends and then started meeting these friends, that my social skills went up.

[@AurenGlytterkat]

I came to the Comments here to say something similar… I feel all this so hard. I’m sorry you went through this too! xx

[@Loopisus]

Omg are you me

[@nmg6248]

I feel this so hard. I also heavily dissociated and masked and then projected my insecurities and fears onto my kids. I wanted to spare them the childhood I had, but it was very misguided. Luckily they are wild things and went their own way anyway ❤️🤘🏽 But they did suffer and are still trying to heal from that trauma 😢

[@entropy59122]

I was locked up in a room when I was 4 years old for accidentally knocked over a kid's lunch. I don't believe I did it though, but I think everyone blamed me...

[@futureshock5641]

Unfortunately it doesn't stop in the school playground, it continues in the workplace, in relationships and in social circles (unless most of your circle are fellow Aspies 👌). Throughout my life I've been called weird, strange, odd, complicated etc, fortunately for me I'm fairly thick skinned.

[@dawn8293]

I'm AuDHD. I don't mask in the ways that you did, but I think I still masked growing up. I did struggle somewhat to make friends, and I had an awareness that I was weird, but I internalized the idea that you should be yourself, and not change yourself for social acceptance. Luckily I was "normal" enough that I could do that. My mom is very loving, but she is absolutely a ball of anxiety. I think she masks her true self all the time. She's probably not autistic, but I don't know a better word to explain this. She returns herself in all the time to be acceptable and to be the perfect Christian wife and mother. She tried to correct me all the time, gently, so that I wouldn't bother other people. She taught me to not take up space, because that's how she lived. I was the "good kid" so I followed through. I fawned on her. Now I have all of my masking associated with religious trauma. I feel like when I break free of trying to imitate my mom, I'm "bad". When I let my opinions take up space, or when I let myself be openly mad at someone, I get a panic response internally. But the biggest one that probably has to do with AuDHD, is the fear of getting caught. I am afraid of being discovered doing almost anything, because what if that thing is unacceptable behavior? When I'm alone, I close the door. If I hear someone approaching, I double check everything I'm doing to make sure it is normal, inoffensive behavior. When I was a kid, I was corrected for things so the time that I didn't know were wrong. Everyone is cleaning, and I'm reading a book? Why weren't you cleaning, too? I made a cool are project with construction paper? Why didn't I ask first? I took apart a computer mouse to see how it works? It gets confiscated before I get the chance to put it back together. I read a lot? They are worried for my social life.

[@Camisimluva]

apart from religion you just summed up my life 😅😅

[@twilight3272]

Bruh why does this sound familiar… I’m not diagnosed but oof

[@NighttimeDaydreams]

AuDHD... I love that. I've never seen that before, I'm definitely using that in the future lol I can relate a lot, except for the religious trauma. I'm a very religious person, and I've been able to find so much freedom in my religion, but that's probably because it's very different from a lot of other people's. I understand religious trauma though, because I do have similar trauma, it's just not based on religion. I may have had religious trauma in the past that I can't remember, but I've worked through it if that's the case. The only kind of anxiety or apprehension I get when I think about religion is the socializing part haha. I also feel bad that I can't do enough and be good enough to fix everything, because I'm just one person. That's something I really struggle with- staying hopeful and continuing to do that little bit of good, not in spite of, but BECAUSE there will always be more bad in the world, and there needs to be some good to balance it out. I just want everything to be fixed and happy and good and safe, but I can't do that, not to mention that's just not how the world works. I can't save every child from abuse, but I can still be aware and responsible and prevent abuse towards my own future kids, and maybe save just one... You know? We have to remember it's worth it to do those tiny things nobody will probably ever notice.

[@timhaldane7588]

I'm ADHD-I and I relate to this a lot. I have a lot of pathological avoidant tendencies from inadvertently screwing things up and forgetting to do things I'm supposed to.

[@christopheriman4921]

While I haven't been formally diagnosed with either Autism or ADHD but I have noticed that I relate to so many of the things that people with them have and as such have suspected for awhile that I do have them. I especially relate to the fear of being caught you just described, I have been criticized by my mother so often when I am doing something that I am afraid to be caught off guard when doing anything even to the point where I will go out of my way to do as little as possible in front of my mom just to give her as little as possible to go off of to criticize me. It is interesting because the process to getting there wasn't a particularly concious one I just started doing it without realizing it. As of currently I am in a state of always trying to predict when someone will interrupt me so I can stop doing what I am doing to act like I was doing something else.

[@no3rdseat]

I'm in my 50's and it never occurred to me that I could be autistic until my 17 year old son was diagnosed. But now I'm sure of it! Throughout my life, I've done all of the things you talk about in this video. When I was a teenager in the 80's, I had no idea how people knew how to act so it occurred to me while watching an episode of "Who's the Boss" on TV that I could be just like one of the actors named Tony Danza - that's who I wanted to act like. So as a variation of WWJD (what would jeebus do?) I made up the mnemonic WWTDD? (What would Tony Danza Do?) It was such a relief!! I finally knew that all I had to do was think about what Tony Danza would do in "Who's the Boss" and all would be good! Eventually, it became part of my mask, and still is partly there to this day.

[@LittleSeasonSurvivor314]

WOW! That was so clever of you! I should have chosen just one character rather than a little bit from all of them! No wonder I was never very effective at masking. Drats! But, even now, I can't imagine what character I might choose if I could go back. I'm 50 now and I've never figured it out. Once, in my 40s I told a shrink that, if I could only have a script of a character, I could play a part and be effective but, without a script, I feel completely lost when it comes to interacting with others. I'm still not diagnosed and I completely gave up on professional help in January of 2016. I had given up in 2012 but during a personal crisis in 2014 I was counseled by a pastor to try again. It was bad advice. It wasn't until someone with a late diagnosis told me, in 2017, "You might look into ASD/Asperger's, you actually fit more of the criteria than I do". I was actually offended when she said that but, because I knew that she was very intelligent, I had to check it out. She was right so far as the criteria is concerned. I have 50 years worth of a very messy and confusing life now and I'm nearly as lost as I've always been without any resources beyond KZbin videos. Sorry for all of that. I enjoyed your comment! :)

[@todaythebirds]

Great comment. After reading it I heard Elton John singing "what would you do Tony Danza" to the tune of "Tiny Dancer". 🤷‍♂️

[@ticnangel]

As for the hands, I usually cram them between my legs. Or else I'll have to doodle. In private, I let loose and shake something in front of my face, as I daydream. I have a sense of shame when I think of someone seeing me stim, like this. I presume my dad mocked me when I was too young to remember. I've never been diagnosed, but always felt I was weird and crazy. Very introverted and good at school work.

[@no3rdseat]

@@LittleSeasonSurvivor314 Years ago, a coworker (also very smart) asked me if I had ever heard of Asperger's. I replied, "no, why?". She replied, "Oh, no reason.". ;) Pretty sure that was a hint...

[@no3rdseat]

@@todaythebirds LOL! Awesome!

[@alejamonyqueso1379]

I got a psych eval and they said I wasn't autistic (they thought it was just ADHD, social awkwardness, and OCD) but I really related to these things. I even laughed when you mentioned practicing facial expressions in the mirror because I've been doing that my whole life and I assumed that it was normal 😂

[@MelissaThompson432]

Then you're a really good masker. Have you considered PDA? Apparently people with PDA are excellent maskers. You'd know if you have demand avoidance, though.

[@laurachow8150]

My palms started sweating when you described the internal dialogue while talking to people. 100% relatable for me, especially eye contact. Haning out with my ASD friends is always a relief, I can look anywhere I want and I know they get it.

[@nekochadechu]

Same! Last day i was at a store choosing a present for my mom and a staff approached me to help me and i remember clearly thinking about if i should look at him in the eyes or not and being conscious about my posture and where i was looking to show i was listening as i don't react much vocally and wearing a mask makes it look like i'm not listening 😭 I listened to half of what he was saying

[@elvinwisp]

For me, it mostly my hands and face. I never know what to do with my hands when I'm eating in front of other people, and I never know if my face looks right when I'm talking to someone. My mom used to ask me if anything was wrong a lot when I was a kid, I guess 'cause my face was always so neutral..

[@deingewissen_official]

Jep, the first time I heard of that outside of my own head.

[@nonamelegend_vapor]

Dx ASD (ADHD also strongly resonates) here. Just realizing I've never hung out with anyone who knows and admits they're ASD/neurodivergent (although definitely with people that are and don't know or admit it lol). Maybe that experience is more comfortable than I imagine

[@Con_blue]

In every video you make, i am becoming more and more certain i have autism. I literally relate to everything and your personal examples bring back so many memories from my own childhood haha! I hope your channel becomes very succesful.

[@cee4627]

Same. She’s the only person I watched here on KZbin who I can relate to.

[@imautisticnowwhat]

Oh wow, that's amazing! Thank you both so much 🥰 The community is happy to have you!

[@twistedalicemcgee]

Yeah thats how I feel about that but everyone thinks I'm crazy... so imma just keep that to myself from now on

[@LaceyMyriah]

I’m having a similar experience myself ❤ hope you’re doing well! I’m curious if you will pursue a diagnosis, OP, if you feel like sharing that info…

[@LaceyMyriah]

@@twistedalicemcgee yeah… same… I’ll talk to my doctor before I speak to anyone else about it. Oh that imposter syndrome… it doesn’t help when you’re not supported :/

[@gay_deltz]

I’ve thought that I might be autistic for a while but wow this video hit hard, especially the copy and paste phrases, my friends always joke about how I have “programmed phrases” because I have a few responses that I always use.

[@bethenecampbell6463]

Having scripts for certain situations lowers anxiety about interacting with people. We need a set of phrases that we know are acceptable because we get in trouble if we venture off script.

[@SimuLord]

My leaning on stock phrases and verbal templates led my first love to say "I've never dated a catchphrase before." That quip still sticks with me 25 years later.

[@thembroidery]

Late to the party, but...I am AuDHD, only figured out the Autism part this past summer. This video has me on the verge of tears because you've put my experience into words that I've struggled to do for my entire life. I still sometimes receive comments that my face looks anxious or sad, even though I'm neutral. My mom would ask me all the time if I was anxious because I would shake my legs and bite my nails. When I actually was anxious, I couldn't explain why and felt like why can't I just be normal? Trauma further complicates diagnosis, though I also argue that living as a neurodivergent in neurotypically-centered society is inherently traumatizing. Anyway, I just really appreciate your radical authenticity on such a judgemental platform. It refortifies me to do so too, and that creates more ripple effects. Thank you 🌈

[@acornweevil]

Every time I’m in public (shops and such) I try to soften my facial expression because when I’m not focused on my expression I make a angry face like furrowed brows and scrunched up nose, I try to soften it because I’ve been told in the past that people were intimidated by me cause of that, I wish I could just leave my face the way it is normally but I don’t want people to be scared of me :|

[@gvmanx12]

I do the same thing. I didn't realize this until I was adult, but, when I look back, I used to get asked what was wrong a lot. These days, I just tell folks it's my thinking face.

[@karowolkenschaufler7659]

I get/got the same comments and never understood them. I wasn't even frowning. I just wasn't smiling. just a blank face. but I have developed a taste for scaring people. especially if it's that easy. and then I don't know how much of it is being autistic and how much is just "if a woman doesn't smile, then she is angry"... even if the face is just blank or concentrated. the good old "resting bitch face". wich begs the bigger question of how much masking your actual emotions is normal for all women, autistic or not... and I'm not having it. sometimes I wish I had really pointy sharp teeth...like a dragon. so if someone told me to smile I could give them a really blood freezing smile...

[@RedNicole22]

A cashier once told me I looked angry, and he said something else hurtful, it hurt my feelings so much and from then on I try to seem happier, but like you I was thinking at the time. Lol even my daughter asks me from time to time if I’m mad and I just thinking hard. I’ve been told it’s called resting bitch face. 😕 🤔 😩

[@ImazABoss]

Ah, yes. Resting bitch face as it's affectionately referred to in my family. Me too lol It's my baseline. In public I'm in full mask mode which includes a giant plastered on smile, but at home I'm comfortable. Two of my sons and one daughter have the exact same furrowed brown and down turn at the corners of the mouth like me. My daughter looks a little more "worried" whereas my sons and I all look "distressed". Truth is that we're incredibly relaxed!

[@batintheattic7293]

I smile all the time. God knows when I learnt that as a survival technique. My resting face is a smile. I think it happened about the age of six. In photos, before that time, I am always scowling. Try training up your smile muscles, Chikul. Walk, around the house, with a smile. Make it natural. Your resting face will change because the smile muscles will become dominant. That is - if you want to. It's a shame but if your resting face is causing you problems - you can work on it. Proper smiling, though, which includes the muscles around the eyes etc. Think of happy events and let the smile form - then hold it unaltered for as long as possible.

[@JennaGetsCreative]

When you mentioned women who've found out they're autistic not really know who they are now, that really struck me. I've come to understand that I'm autistic in my 30s, but I've also known since my late teens that I have PTSD (C-PTSD but that wasn't a diagnosis then) from child abuse (father, my mother is wonderful) so I doubly don't know who I'm meant to be underneath it all. I don't remember a time when I wasn't trying to fit in and I don't remember a time before trauma. People with single-event PTSD work to get back to who they were before the trauma, but I don't have a before.

[@JennaGetsCreative]

@@earth-air-water-fire-aether What are you talking about? Autism and C-PTSD aren't "labels" they're medical diagnoses. It is helpful to know what flavour of spicy your brain is in order to start finding ways to function the way you want to.

[@UniCornisss]

Fuck, I didnt even realize i dont have one either 💀, tho I was diagnosed at 19, (a few months ago, tho I am 20 now but thats because of the timing...) I also just now realised since I can remembee I have tried to mask, but when I was even more young I just didnt know to, and my classmates where also very very judgedmental, so it was very hard as well because my masking didnt work at all

[@UniCornisss]

​@@earth-air-water-fire-aether who do you mean the commenter or the video maker?

[@UniCornisss]

​​​​​@@earth-air-water-fire-aether but the commenter *never* said its what other should feel, they were literally just sharing their experience, also they said they are in their 30s which is a pretty long time to define what they just defined, diagnoses can be bad for the reasons you just mentioned, but for some they also help understand the way we act and why, in my case is both, but thats just me, everyone is different and I think everyone here is well aware of that, the commenter didnt label anyone but themselves, so I really dont get where you are exactly coming from

[@JennaGetsCreative]

@@earth-air-water-fire-aether Same question as Uni Corni, who are you saying sounds young? I'm the original commenter you're talking to and as pointed out in my original comment, I'm in my 30s. 35 to be exact. I've never been told I "sound young" online, either. When I was a teenager chatting on forums, everyone always assumed I was already 30. (Probably should have been another sign that I wasn't neurotypical.)

[@anniemacdonald3957]

Can relate to so much of that. Am a 60 year old who only realised last year that I am probably autistic and not just "weird'. Went to GP to ask about diagnosis. Was told no chance and that I was probably just anxious! So, as usual, will need to deal with this on my own. Watching this is helpful even though I am so much older

[@1golux]

I just turned 50. Same boat.

[@Laura-fj6kq]

I’m mid 60’s and just figured this out. Still haven’t decided if I want to seek out an official diagnosis or not.

[@anniemacdonald3957]

@@Laura-fj6kq After some soul searching, decided to spend all my savings on a private diagnosis. What a relief to have my autism confirmed

[@JulieMusic47]

60 year old here too, and I am just entertaining the idea that I am autistic as well. It’s a sense of relief actually! Good luck on your journey ☀️

[@robertabarnhart6240]

I'm 58, and I've just recently gotten an eval. I'm hoping it's positive cos then I'll know I'm not just weird or lazy, stupid, and crazy.

[@MidoriGaleart]

One of the most revealing points of my life, about "maybe I'm different" was at 16 when doing a crafting project a classmate couldn't believe I was making it in another way (less eficient but it worked) and she told me that her way (and everyone else) was the obvious way. She was so shocked that I went on defensive mode and answered: if it is obvious, I would make it to, so is not". Her mesmerized indignated face was so disturbing to me that I really thouth there was really something wrong with me

[@slimsonite2111]

This has happened so many times for me. Being asked why I'm doing something that way and/or told to do it another way. It's working for me. Let me be

[@nonamelegend_vapor]

I used to make business cards/flyers/etc for people at Office Depot, usually working alongside a guy who knew Photoshop and Publisher inside and out (whereas I only had casual experience with both). My final output was up to "professional" Office Depot standards, but he would often marvel at how I would "redneck" my way around the programs and inefficiently make something great in 30 minutes that he could have made in five haha. He never gave me a hard time about it though, I had fun doing it so he just let me be and helped me out if I asked

[@ooshiikurai]

So here’s the odd thing about me. I didn’t mask all that much. People frequently pointed out how weird I was and I just thought, yeah okay. I guess I’m weird. I kept my special interests to myself mostly. I dabbled in eye contact. But beyond that, I was unapologetically bizarre and unfortunately ended up isolated for most of my life. I have very few friends and some I thought were friends but turned out didn’t consider me a friend. It wasn’t until I reached out to my therapist about my social issues my whole life that she suggested that I may be autistic. Got tested and sure enough, at 35 I had an answer for my weirdness. I have a strong sense of self. I only find myself masking at my job and it’s exhausting. But I also have horrible social skills which is rough to realize for the first time in your 30s.

[@liviwaslost]

Same here. I just couldn’t do it

[@edgehouse]

Sounds familiar

[@Animallovercomedian]

Unapologetically bizarre people are the best people to be around. I hope you find people that are unapologetically similar.

[@mojeanin]

I've also been odd and bizarre for almost my entire life and didn't even realize there was anything different about me. Of course I ended up isolated and lonely, but didn't understand why. I can't really relate to the experience of masking because I only figured out I was odd and decided to do something about it around 3 years ago. One impression that people consistently tell me I make on them is that I'm standoffish and even arrogant, which I find so odd because on the inside I feel friendly. I do have a bit of a mask on these days but I don't think I would be able to craft a good one without uprooting my entire personality. At least now I am aware that I come off as odd, so I can decide which oddities I can't be bothered to hide, but how to still attempt to come across as a little more approachable. How to keep a conversation going. How to ask questions without sounding creepy. How to tell when people do or don't want to talk to me. It has worked somewhat. I treat masking as a privilege I have now. I know that a lot of people in the autism community frown upon it and say it's worse than just being yourself, but I really want to have at least a bit of a social life.

[@LittleSeasonSurvivor314]

WOW! That is happy that you got a good diagnosis and were able to develop a strong sense of self! When I was 35, I got the "Borderline Personality Disorder" diagnosis and it made my life exponentially worse. After I finally accepted the diagnosis, because I didn't know of any other possible explanations, I actually became terrified of myself and what I might be capable of (I'd seen it written that every female serial killer was BPD). If I was really "crazy" there could be no telling what I might do. At least in my 40s I finally discovered there was another explanation that made a lot more sense.

[@SteinGauslaaStrindhaug]

After the lockdowns (that wonderful time I almost didn't have to mask at all for nearly 2 years working from home), my brain apparently doesn't tolerate masking anymore. I get migraines all the time when I'm physically at the office now. I'm not sure if it's that I'm out of practice, or I'm masking harder than before; or my body simply had enough of masking at the age 40 now. But I really struggle to stop masking when at the office too. This year I've only managed to go to the office maybe 5 times so far.

[@april906outdoors3]

I relate very much with your comment. Recently self-diagnosed aspie at age 53. Fortunately still working from home and have no interest in going back to the office to deal with people, fluorescent lights, white noise, temperature, smells, and everything that has overwhelmed me for 30+ years. Zoom is still hard since cameras are required to be on, but at least I can fiddle with thinking putty, squishy balls, etc. Hang in there!

[@marocat4749]

Thats socially th one thing people doget when older, they do care way less how they are seen. Not that old people ccant llearn, but giving les a crap how they are seen usually. I mean, aging does that apearently, caring way less about that kind of thing. I am not that old, but i think that just comes with age, caring less what other think superifical. Which would include masking i guess. I mean its actually noral to care less with age what others think, and its probably more tolerated too.

[@cheesebread3]

Yep I relate to this. I went back into the world and realized how hostile it was after all those months of quiet.

[@BaughbeSauce]

Yes! The break from people was HEAVEN. I fell out of habit with deciding who I am before I go out into the world and it's made things a bit more difficult. Trying to not go back to it and just be "me" but I don't really know how to do that so I end up just parroting the person in front of me and weirding them out. JUST PRETEND YOU'RE TALKING TO A MAGPIE, OKAY?

[@BaughbeSauce]

@@april906outdoors3 Uhg. SMELLS. ☠💀

[@bethrushing6697]

As someone who has masked my entire life and only learning recently of my ASD diagnosis, I can relate so well to this video. Your use of the word “quirky” has been used to describe me my entire life. Long periods of masking leaves me exhausted and often into periods of isolation.

[@chocolatescones9989]

Before this video I was convinced I didn't mask, but now I realise I do all the time! I'm a uni student and the past two years I was in halls where eight people shared a kitchen and I would sometimes skip meals if there were other people in the kitchen because I knew I'd have to act like a normal person while they were in there and the thought of that was too exhausting and anxiety inducing so I just wouldn't get food. Luckily this year I'm in a house with only two others, one of which also has autism, so no food skipping this year

[@yeveriadeleonfernandez2008]

The same for me. I thought I didn't mask, but I've done it all my life. Unsuccessfully though because nonway I can make long term friends or normally socialize

[@LordofFullmetal]

Oh my god, I literally do this! I will avoid the kitchen if people are there and I don't feel like I have the energy to be peppy and social. This is an Autism thing????

[@pseze]

Not only avoid the kitchen, but the whole house. I get trapped in my room a lot if I live with other people. If I get a clear moment to escape and get food. My choice is going to be a sandwich or something that doesn't need a plate. No plate means I will not have to worry about returning to wash up. Living on my own though does not prevent me getting trapped. Instead the entire outside is now that kitchen to avoid. Too much avoidance breaks me and is often my path to homelessness.

[@chocolatescones9989]

NaomisFoundation please kindly put your pseudoscience elsewhere. If you're even a person and not a bot.

[@katrinadaly1755]

TW: Talk of weight loss with numbers/figures I did this, a share house and Uni forms both stressed me out so much. People are always hanging in the halls and common rooms/kitchen/lounge room areas so if I wasn’t in my room I was stressing. I avoided showering, going to the bathroom, eating and leaving my room as little as possible because of it. I didn’t realise how bad it had affected my mental and physical health until I moved to my own place - I’d literally lost over 30kgs unintentionally over 2 years there and I had to force myself to get back into the habit of literally being able to fully relax when I was alone in my house and not in the bedroom. The anxiety and panic is feel when leaving my bedroom in my own house was insane!

[@amjPeace]

I just turned 70. I recognize so many of these traits you mention and realize that I've grown more self-accepting within the last ten years or so. But I do feel kind of lonely at times.

[@martaleja9279]

I hope you'll find someone that understands you

[@mariecarr3762]

Love to you and yours. I'm 66 , and I get it. I certainly prefer being alone; I rarely feel lonely. Probably due to all the things that go with a life, children, job, that you have to do that involves people. After all those years, I'm happiest living alone. Peace is worth it.

[@kyttynkross1121]

regarding hands: I picked up hobbies that are borderline socially acceptable to occupy my hands when I'm out and about. I crochet and knit and I always take a project with me where ever I go. Even if I don't end up working on it, it's nice to know its there if I need it. Its essentially just a fidget that results in a finished product at the end. I still get weird looks and comments, but certainly less than if I were doing weird autie things with them, like flapping. And its healthier than skin picking and hair pulling. Also, I do genuinely enjoy the craft and I LOVE gifting things I've made to people. And I no longer stress about "what are my hands doing, where are they going, do they look normal? Is this the normal level for my hand to hang? is it swinging naturally or robotically? is it properly in time with my steps? This has also been a huge help to my ADHD! It really helps me focus on conversations better. It makes waiting in lines tolerable. It makes long car rides bearable. It's also become one of my ADHD focus interests. I love to learn and practice. about "have a good day" -- I say "have a good one". I picked this up from my ex. He used to work swing shifts all the time and was constantly lost as to what time of day it was. One time he was asked by a customer, "a good what?" and he said, "Day, night, drink, meal, lay, *shrug* you know, whatever it is you need. I hope you get it, and I hope it's good." and that stuck with me. I used to get all kinds of crap from people when i was younger about smiling. Even more so when I started working in food service. And I didn't understand it. Just thought it was the usual crappy misogynistic male nonsense. And it was. But! A couple of years ago, when of my coworkers, with whom i had a very open and honest and comfortable relationship with, asked me "why do you have such RBF right now?" and that day, I learned that I have really RBF when I'm not actively paying attention to my face, particularly when I'm tired. And it explained so much. I went through a phase of "who even am I anymore" when I realized that I have adhd and autism and began deep diving into the symptoms, diagnosis, and communities. It seemed like every day I learned a new thing that turned some piece of my personality into yet another symptom, coping mechanism for a symptom, a coping mechanism for an (unhealthy) coping mechanism, or a trauma response due to the struggles of growing up with undiagnosed mental health issues, denied queerness, and abuse. But honestly, I've settled with it at this point. am I an amalgamation of symptoms and coping? Sure. Am I trying to live my best life in a way that feels good? yes. I don't see why the two have to be mutually exclusive. I am happy. and knowing about these symptoms have certainly contributed to that. because I am no longer just dumb or lazy or pedantic. My brain works a certain way. And knowing that, helps me work around it, instead of uphill against it. would it be easier if I was "normal" Maybe. but I certainly wouldn't be who I am today. And I wouldn't have the life I've built.

[@miranda4073]

I absolutely feel that "montage of people telling me I'm weird" description of primary school. I still remember a kid coming up to me when I was 9 or 10 and telling me I was a 'freak of nature.' It came out of nowhere, we weren't arguing, we hadn't even been talking, he just walked up and said it. He probably wouldn't remember it now, but at age 31 there's still a bit of hurt there. Kids can tell when there's something 'off,' and they're mean about it, and never taught not to be.

[@simoneholenstein6977]

the „does my face look sad enough?“ was too real 😅 like you I only realized after intense „research“ that not everyone is doing a simultaneous analysis of their social interactions 😅 I self-identified at 28, got diagnosed at 32. I am still working on my people understanding that what they perceive as me being „as capable as a normal person“ is my mask 🙄

[@sonijam]

Looking back I can see a pattern of wanting to self improve but I didn't really know how to improve myself. Instead I would construct a personality and physical look based on what I thought would be a good person to be, but when I reached my goal and found people attracted to me, as potential friends or partners, I would feel... betrayed? Not sure if that's the right word. Alone, sad, empty, cut-off. I felt like they weren't true friends because they didn't know the real me, and I was sure if they knew the real me they wouldn't have been interested. It's hard to love someone back if it feels like they've never even met you.

[@agoodwasteoftime]

I always think i'm not a huge masker but i'm starting to think recently that the very reason i feel like i don't mask is actually part of the mask, that's just impossible to shake. I've been a chronic internaliser for as long as i can remember. While a lot of people who mask describe it as trying to make themselves seem more outgoing to fit in, i feel like i perhaps did the opposite? rather than trying to fit in i just receeded to the back, made myself invisible, all while not realising thats what i was doing? idk if that's masking or just me being autistic lol. but all too often i leave settings and conversations, wishing i'd mentioned something, wishing i'd spoken about that thing i wanted to speak about, but in the moment i just couldn't because i didn't know when to bring it up, and the people pleaser in me is afraid to be seen as annoying or weird for bringing up something that may be irrelevant. Anyway, this is just a ramble lol. I'm still working it out.

[@4L3X_222]

this hits hard fr. i used to be an intense people pleaser when i started secondary school, people would always tell me that i was so nice that it was strange, or that i acted like a simp lol... when in reality i was scared of standing out (though i did anyways somehow). a little ramble from me too, but i feel like you hit the nail on the head about what i feel. :)

[@IntrospectiveHousewife]

This sounds like me, but I'm a contrarian with minimal effort. Rather than autistic, I may simply lack social skills. I'm extremely antisocial. I don't try to please anyone. I am not interested in other people. I'm definitely awkward. I'm afraid I may have a personality disorder instead.

[@agoodwasteoftime]

@@custombatchservices6981 herbs do nothing. Autism is a neurological difference, eating some plants ain't gonna do anything, and it angers me when people say so. Do your child a favour, and accept them for who they are, and help them to be who they are, rather than forcing them to conform to neurotypical norms like eye contact. I promise you, herbs do nothing. Don't listen to random doctors on the internet.

[@jacksonpowers4459]

This is fuckin facts. I did a weird mix of both. Trying to fit in, but in a quiet way.

[@Petchysketches]

I’ve always tried to make myself as invisible as possible. To the point where I think I’m actually too good at doing it, and it’s super damaging to me. For a long time now, I’ve always gone back and forth on whether I can even self diagnose myself with autism. I always tell myself that since I don’t feel like I socially mask too much even as a female, then maybe I’m completely wrong to diagnose myself as autistic! Lol like there’s not a ton of other ways that I very clearly am on the spectrum. Like, I’m super masterful at making my stimming completely invisible to others. Very quickly I figured out how to delegate it as something I can only do at home with comfort objects, no matter how stressed I get during the day. So I end up always feeling such a strong pull to go home to stim and it’s really quite detrimental to living my life. But honestly, hearing that there are other autistics out there who don’t quite mask in the traditional way is making me feel much better about it. So thank you for sharing! Maybe someday soon I can finally find it in myself to be more comfortable with saying I am autistic and being ok with it.

[@Jen-CelticWarrior]

I did research for my nephew’s wife because I highly suspected she had Asperger’s/ASD. In doing so, I discovered that I had many traits myself. My brother is an Aspie, and I also have a cousin who is profoundly, nonverbal autistic. My diagnosis explains soooo many things in my life! I have masked so much that I barely know who is the real me. I think many of us, especially women with ASD, deserve multiple academy awards for our masking skills!

[@soupy55]

Hi please dont use the term aspergers its named after a nazi and has a pretty horrid history This is not a dig some people are just unaware and thats alright but for future reference 👍

[@karlab95]

THE MONTAGE OF PEOPLE TELLING ME I WAS WEIRD. Gosh, this is such a mood.

[@novaroseoooooo]

The note about fawning is something I've been thinking about a lot recently. I've known I had ADHD for a long time, but only recently started to suspect that I ALSO am autistic. I feel like I've created a completely fake identity from years of fawning instead of saying what I actually think, and now I'm trying to connect to my "real" self by embracing my autistic thinking patterns and speaking up even if I'm not sure my behavior is acceptable. It's hard to fight the fear of rejection, but it's so important for me to be my true self. I fully expect to make mistakes and have to apologize for my behavior sometimes if I do something that hurts people's feelings, but that's so much better than having no sense of identity because I spend all my time trying to people please!!!

[@piechikeen7706]

I’m just curious, when were you diagnosed with adhd? I’m in crisis mode at 40 now, just got diagnosed.. fighting depression and the realization so much of my life feels wasted, so many mistakes because of what I didn’t know my parents didn’t believe the teachers about… to be fair lots of people were being labeled add/ adhd back then, but. Idk.. a lot of these stories are feeling like they’re striking a chord with me, and I do feel like on some level I’ve had a tendency to meet and get along with people who didn’t always fit witb the norm. Just hesitant to get tested for anything else I don’t want to fall into the stereotype of hypochondria with self diagnosis online.

[@novaroseoooooo]

@@piechikeen7706 I was diagnosed when I was 20 I believe? I didn't really understand ADHD until I started learning about it the last few years though, and I'm familiar with a lot of the feelings you're having. Just remind yourself that it's never too late to make changes in your life, and it's okay if you're just now figuring out things that make you happier, because being happier is always a good thing!

[@BourbonRose_]

I never knew fawning was a threat response. All this time I was thinking I'm a liar or something, but this makes a lot more sense Thank you for sharing!

[@alexguerra1668]

So funny, the Zoom thing, for the longest I would question my motives to constantly wanting to look at my little screen of myself, like was it vanity? Was it insecurity? But now that I know about my ASD it all adds up 😅 0h! & I just blurted out laughter at a memory of me responding to being wished a happy birthday with “happy birthday” 😳💃🏻 🤭

[@joejanota707]

I remember thinking I had two lives. A home life and school life, where I act and behave different accordingly. There were three, that being church, but I got comfortable there and stopped pretending. Never hear people talk about the blur that happens over time where you start mixing up the scenarios. I've had it happen at friends houses, school, work, playing outside. I think drinking masks a lot of it (In adult life), now I don't drink. Everyone thinks it's glaringly obvious. What I learned from... life, is no one knows. There is no authority, no master, no normal. Everyone is just doing stuff to the best of their ability and gauge good and bad based on the opinion of those around them. It's dynamic. So do what you want. It's frustrating at times, because conflicting opinions do confuse and irritate you, but by sticking to solid evidence, you can have a base line reality to work with. Just be malleable. Take it as it comes and don't be afraid to speak out. Everyone is making it up as they go along. Welcome to the club.

[@Dice-Z]

That's a lot of text to not say much, arguably even being dismissive. Everyone is making it up as they go along indeed, but we are not all dealt the same cards. Some are autistic, some aren't. Some are abused, some aren't. Some have good parents who teach them how to go through life and have a headstart, some truly had to figure it all out by themselves unlike others. It makes things harder, it should be pointed out, and people who struggle deserve help.

[@joejanota707]

@@Dice-Z Sorry I'm late to respond to this. The TL;DR is to make the best of it. Not sure where the privilege part comes in. But you are right in that I'm very dismissive. You can't control the cards you were dealt, so do what you can and don't worry about what you can't. You bring up these other scenarios as if they change this? I'm glad you did. Because it is always worth stating, regardless of the cards dealt, you can only do your best. I'm no stranger to being at the bottom of the pile. What value comes from these experiences is perspective. After all, survival means nothing if there isn't something to survive.

[@PrettyTranslatorSarahMoon]

I used to fold my arms ALL THE TIME (even when I walked), but stopped doing it when I found out people thought I was angry or insecure. Ballet definitely helped a lot with my body awareness, but to this day, I still have trouble figuring out what to do with my arms 🤷🏻‍♀

[@Karin-fj3eu]

Lol.my favorite dance is without arms cause idk what do to with my arms when dancing

[@thebravekind]

Even without a diagnosis, these all resonate SO much! I mentally practice conversations for so many social settings. I found that masking led to a twenty year alcohol addiction. At almost five years sober, I'm realizing how exhausting all of the mental chatter was and why I drowned it out. Grateful for channels like yours shedding light on how we can appear typical on the outside but still be struggling on the inside.

[@tobyisaracoon]

11:15 thank you for explaining this one. I never understood why I have breakdowns after school or after a long days sometimes. And yes I did think I had BPD for a long while because of the identity and personality problems.

[@madelynnturner8001]

This video feels like a sign from God because I've been strongly questioning if I'm autistic in general but today especially and then just now this video popped up and I relate to EVERYTHING in it. I think I've been masking my entire life and I'm honestly convinced I am autistic. Thank you so much for making this, it has been immensely helpful.

[@Rose-bc3ll]

This video was brought to you by software engineers that developed an algorithm that looked at other KZbin videos and Google searches you have made and produced this video on your recommended. We have the explanation for why this video showed up for you. Do you now understand this wasn't the act of a god, but just a cool feat of human technology?

[@lunahart]

I've just self-diagnosed at age 64, and every time I watch a video like this one, it becomes that much clearer! Thank you so much and keep up the good content!

[@imautisticnowwhat]

That's incredible! Welcome to the community ❤ Thank you SO much!

[@ChocolateMuffin308]

I wouldn't 'self-diagnose' and wouldn't rely on videos like this. Almost all of the things she listed are common for just shy and socialy awkward people. This video makes many of us seem autistic :/ It's better to go to a doctor and make sure.

[@crazyminegamer2339]

Self-diagnosis is fine when you can’t get an actual diagnosis and notice you have symptoms of some sort of mental disorder or health issue, but please, please, *please* go get an actual diagnosis before you start saying you have this believed disorder or health issue. Autism and adhd are disorders that can often be confused with one another and some of the symptoms you have may be the result of mental health issues or other disorders.

[@durritidumange]

Many people can't go to a doctor to get a diagnosis. In my area it costs 3000-5000$ for an ASD diagnosis.

[@crazyminegamer2339]

@@durritidumange Which is why I said a self-diagnosis is fine in those cases, but you should always make it clear this is what you suspect and not what’s actually happening. Even a disorder like autism can be incredibly complex and what looks like symptoms of autism could be a combination of some very different issues or even the result of some sort of physical illness or disease like a tumour.

[@saturn446]

OMG as a kid I remember always folding in the sides of pages of books I was reading in a very specific way. Then I realized I was doing it to library books and uh...yeah, I had to force myself to stop. Also I'm feeling more and more that I might be autistic. I relate to so much in this video. Like the laughing thing. Like, I might genuinely find something amusing, but my actual reaction would be a small smile at best, whereas others would actually laugh. So then I would laugh too. I'm always afraid that I don't seem happy enough, or conversely, that I don't seem sad enough, even though on the inside I am genuinely happy or sad. I just don't know...how to express it enough? So then I exaggerate my laugh until it feels fake :/

[@imautisticnowwhat]

Thank you for this comment. Super relatable! Ooh gosh - must have been hard to get yourself stop folding the pages, haha!

[@lilmissmonsterrr]

​@@imautisticnowwhatwhat if you roll papers? If someone hands me a paper and continues talking to me I subconsciously roll the paper over and over again in a tube, crease it, etc. And when I realize it and try to stop I just end up continuing subconsciously. I destroy the papers that I need 🤦🏼‍♀️ happened to me two days ago 😭

[@britbit101]

EXACTLY!! I even do it when composing work emails, my brain is like "I don't want to sound annoyed even though I'm not, so I'll use exclamation points and smiley faces so they don't hate me. Oh crap, but how many can I use in one email at work??" Next thing you know, I've spent 20 minutes writing a response that should have been a minute at most 😅

[@miranda4073]

I didn't realize not laughing much was an autistic trait! My dad is nice about it, but he points out from time to time how little I laugh, even when I think something is funny, and now I have an explanation for him as to why :)

[@TheBeatlesToday]

Honestly, I think a lot more conversational laughter than people realize is just polite laughter, rather than genuine laughter. Most people don’t find every person they converse with THAT funny 😂

[@rendeee4412]

I've never come across anyone else who did the book flapping, I thought I was alone with getting teased for it all my life. I just can't focus on the words without doing it! Thank you for talking about this in particular

[@jamie_blumberg]

I’m late to the party, but I came across your channel recently. Some of the things you covered in this and other videos… I didn’t know there were words for them. And that other human beings experienced them. I’ve never identified with *any* label particularly strongly, but thanks to you (and others doing similar work) I now actually have a group I can belong to and words to describe myself for the first time in my entire life, which is bewildering and mystifying and exciting while also being a little frightening all at the same time. I have just *so much* going on in my life that is not good but this journy of self discovery that *you* have helped me on is one of the parts that *is* good. So sincerely, deeply: thank you.

[@andreabuntpercy]

I'm 74, newly self-diagnosed. I laughed, I cried, thank you!

[@TeriHargraveartist]

Our son's latest favourite saying is, 'how's your day been?' Well, question! He says it first thing in the morning more often than not, so I assure him I will let him know later when my day has been...I love his quirks, and he is so attuned to feelings around him. He is so empathetic, and many think autistic people lack empathy. Well, he sure doesn't! :) Thank you for making videos.

[@Sammysapphira]

Autism has nothing to do with lacking empathy. They just struggle to express empathy, or might not understand the circumstances. Autistic children are often extremely empathetic towards animals and inanimate objects.

[@TeriHargraveartist]

@@Sammysapphira and people x

[@ellatroy]

Your son sounds like such a sweetheart. 😊 And yes, I’ve always been quite furious over the misinformation that “autistic people don’t feel things and are usually/prone to not care about anyone and are, therefore, not capable of love” It is a blatant lie. A lie originally spread by neurotypicals from a simple misunderstanding, and lack of even trying, to understand a neurodivergent… and that is now just something that all people(if they don’t know better)repeat and regurgitate because they “heard it from somewhere”….. It is frustrating. So I’m glad that you’ve brought that up because it needs to be discussed/addressed more… In my humble opinion. 😅 Sorry for the rant lol and hope you have a good one!😉

[@TeriHargraveartist]

@@ellatroy Rant away :) and thank you!

[@Series7Guy]

I love, love, LOVE the fact that you have a sense of humor about all of this. It's refreshing. You are showing resilience in the face of some difficult situations.

[@Laura-fl2ce]

Recently, I’ve been doing a lot of research about autism because I noticed that a lot of autistic people had the same problems as me. I can’t get diagnosed because I don’t have much money so I’m self diagnosing for now. I always thought that maybe over time I will really find out who I am but this made me realise that the opposite is true. I’m masking around everyone I talk to in real life, even my family. Whenever I unmask around them on accident I have a feeling that they think of me as weird. As I became older I became more and more introverted because I simply couldn’t handle masking for even half an hour. I’m still a teenager so I guess I’m lucky I found out about autism so soon. Anyway, this really explained a lot of my ‘personality’ traits, thank you for making this video.

[@NeurodiverJENNt]

Nailed it with the internal monologue

[@jennings4951]

It's crazy how I watch videos like this where every single thing listed is a very real trait or experience I've had, but I'm subconsciously saying "nah that's probably not me though".

[@lennysmileyface]

Same lol

[@EmeraldAshesAudio]

I'm over here like "Okay, I mask like a motherfucker, but maybe I'm neurotypical and there really is just something deeply wrong with me."

[@monicarose2135]

Your self-awareness is a beautiful quality! And your sense of humor is endearing!

[@KNCO92]

Just stumbled across this vid.. Thank you sooooo so so much for this! Been to Camhs 5 times throughout childhood and teen years, mental break down at 16, referred to Camhs for the 5th time and finally listened to and assessed for Autism, diagnosed 2 weeks from being 18, classed as an adult and discharged with no idea how autism affects me, no services or support and just basically carrying on as I had been but now with this label that I had no idea about its impact on me and what I needed/still need help with, I was told I masked..never told how other than laughing and avoiding eye contact..this video alone has explained more than any research etc I've tried to do over the past 12 yrs..thank you! Defos subscribed 😊💕

[@Stormbrise]

I was not good at masking until I got a job as a tutor for mathematics. I had to learn to approach strangers who needed help with math and were afraid to ask. So, I scripted the encounters in my mind, and appeared confident enough to do this. I was on a trial basis from my supervisor, because he knew me from my studying in the tutoring center. He knew I was afraid to ask questions myself. He did not believe I could do it. I proved to him I could. Got certified as a Master Tutor in Mathematics. Later I used these same skills in sales at another enterprise. That I was happy, friendly and approachable. The second job was so draining I would go home and just vegetate or meltdown if I had to be in a social thing after work. Otherwise, I did not hang out with girls really, like I posted in the mean memes video. Girls and I barely get along. I have limited number of friends that are female and a mass of male friends. I got my diagnosis easily enough since I went in unmasked and pretty much have the typical traits of autism that is based on males.

[@ja-qk4vd]

Oh. That's really bizarre. Relates to my exp tutoring Maths, lasted two years!, rarely last that long in anything.

[@SmallSpoonBrigade]

Having grown up around college professors before spending a total of nearly 10 years in college working on various degrees, academia is often a wonderland for those that are autistic or who are otherwise socially out there. It's the one place I've been where I could greatly reduce the amount of masking I was doing. I think this is especially the case with math where it tends to play more to our strengths than some other subjects.

[@LeeHawkinsPhoto]

@@SmallSpoonBrigade I’m a guy, but I worked in IT for a number of years. I worked in a ton of different types of businesses, and one was a community college. All the PC techs had trouble with certain faculty members who really didn’t want anyone messing with their computer. I had no problems dealing with these folks and gaining their trust. I addressed every concern directly and I explained what I was doing as succinctly as I could manage before I did it. After a very short time, they backed off and just let me do what I needed to do and they never had any complaints or anything. I thought at the time that this was because I knew what I was doing and had a great deal of experience-but looking back I have to wonder if maybe they trusted me because I was autistic just like them and spoke their language. It’s funny how autistic people have a terrible time socializing until suddenly they aren’t surrounded by neurotypical people…and then suddenly they have all these communication skills, social skills, and empathy that neurotypical people lack when it comes to dealing with autistic people. I would like to see a case study on a neurotypical person having to mask among a group of autistic people. I wonder how pathologized a neurotypical person would feel in that situation when evaluated by autistic people. I just wish we’d stop pathologizing because I think we all could use some accommodation.

[@ja-qk4vd]

@@SmallSpoonBrigade thanks. Still trying to make sense of everything since diagnosis. Makes sense.

[@shantibants3949]

My brother was diagnosed with Asperger's back in 2010 and my family have said I have it also for a long time. Everything you said was so relatable - my face sits wrong sometimes, T-Rex arms, the emotional outbursts after a day of masking, and I was diagnosed with border line but didn't relate to the girls in the group

[@shantibants3949]

Is there any positive reason to get a diagnosis when I'm almost 40

[@gigahorse1475]

@@shantibants3949 It probably is if it replaces the BPD diagnosis, which is very stigmatized among mental health professionals.

[@miglek9613]

@@shantibants3949 it really depends on where you live and how the legal discrimination is affected by the specific diagnosis where you live. Considering you already have a highly stigmatized diagnosis it likely depends on whether you get it replaced or tacked onto your other diagnoses, which often happens with autistic people who have been misdiagnosed before. You won't be able to immigrate into Australia and New Zealand if you do get diagnosed with autism and, if you have any children, there's a chance you will lose your kids the second someone accuses you of being incompetent (altho the same can be said about BPD). If you're allowed to drive now you should check if autistic people are allowed to drive in your area, as well as check if forced sterilization is practiced in your country. The biggest benefits of having an official autism diagnosis is that you may be able to get disability (as long as you don't get married) and a carer if you need one, as well as ask your job for accomodations if you need any (altho that can instead lead you to being unable to get/keep a job). However, having multiple diagnoses is often worse than just having one if you don't need a specific type pf medication given only with some specific diagnosis

[@jessicawilliamson1230]

Yes! I thought for a long time I had BPD bc of childhood trauma from being raised by an autistic mother who was extremely emotionally immature. I fit all the criteria, except attachment issues. I ain’t holding on to anyone, I am pushing most people away for peace and quiet. I still love people but I need non killing people time to myself. After my youngest son was diagnosed with Autism Spectrum Disorder, the psychiatrist said he got it from me. I had a psychological evaluation with same office before my son’s diagnosis and it was based on a high IQ.

[@BaughbeSauce]

Lol. I've always been made fun of for my T-rex arms, BUT WHAT DO YOU DO WITH THE GANGLY THINGS?

[@f4iryb00]

when you were talking about your experience with the over analyzing/internal monologue i really felt that. for me my brain in social settings has always felt like my thoughts were going through a strainer to weed out the socially unacceptable behaviors. it’s really exhausting just trying to listen and be a person when i am just in my own headspace so much.

[@horacethecheese1009]

I remember somewhere in my mid-teens noticing that I was faking enthusiasm because even though it was in the right situation it was tiring and not my natural state. I felt like I was at a crossroads, and decided to just stop rather than become well-practised in it, to free more energy. Idk why I always give up before even trying. Always going by social isolation and avoidance. At this point I think it's a matter of necessity that I find some neurodivergent friends

[@whimsyandrain]

As someone diagnosed with ADHD (inattentive type) I didn't realize how much I used to mask!! I still do but not nearly as much as when I was a child. So much of what you said was spot on and now I have to re-examine a bunch of stuff. Wow it all makes sense! Also as a child (and also still as an adult) I would randomly run around dramatically being a T-Rex and roaring and being silly for fun. Now I wonder if I started doing that because someone pointed out trex arms and maybe that was my response to adapt and make it "not weird" (because running around pretending to be t-rex is totally normal right?). I wonder... I find myself unintentionally doing t-rex arms a lot when alone. Are they a specifically autistic thing or neurodivergent in general?

[@LaLa-ed9qo]

T tex arms can be a way the body tries to balance itself when core muscles are not strong/developed.

[@elieli2893]

To my understanding, autism and adhd share a fair amount of common traits 😄

[@nv3363]

I have adhd and I sometimes catch myself doing trex arms, hell I was even doing it not even an hour ago. I’ve forced myself to stop doing it when I realize I’m doing it because I’ve been made fun of for it and it made me insecure. This happened when I was younger and somebody at my school said “why do you walk like that and stand like that?” And I said “what do you mean?” And they told me I stand like the alien from American dad… it’s something I can’t help doing it’s just so comfy and I’ll be doing it when my brain isn’t stimulated enough and I’m zoning out and day dreaming

[@tinabean713]

My son is both ASD and ADHD and he does t-rex arms a lot (but I always think of them as bunny foo foo arms for some reason - maybe because his pacing is more like jumping) but most of my family is ADHD and I've never really noticed anyone else doing it.

[@SmallSpoonBrigade]

@@elieli2893 Yes, and this is why until recently you couldn't have both diagnoses. Probably the only reason that I haven't got an autism diagnosis is that I had an ADHD one and at the time that wasn't allowable. I've reread the results a while back and it really looked like she wanted to give it to me, but wasn't able to make a clear determination due to the other diagnoses that I've got.

[@RisaPlays]

This is one of the topics that make me feel like I'm a fraud when I call myself autistic (self-diagnosed), but really... I have the same sort of stressful inner dialogues. I thought masking was more just trying to fit in and look normal, but I started realizing more recently that my version of masking was always just trying to not gain too much attention rather than to fit in. I make my voice and face completely neutral and unchanging with strangers even though I can be very animated and expressive with people I trust. It's probably why people thought I was hard to approach, something a friend later said to me about their first impression before we were friends. I also only realized a few years ago that what I always thought was a nice little smile was just my face changing slightly from a negative neutral to a positive neutral.... so.... that was a surprise. I also definitely do fawning... I'm usually very opinionated, but I get anxious in social situations and become someone who's okay with whatever even thought I'm not actually. Several years ago, I was in a group of 4 total and we were heading to dinner after the event we met up for and we had a plan originally but the other 3 suddenly wanted sushi instead. I wanted to like sushi but never could and I didn't know how the sushi buffet worked and I was super anxious but let them talk me into it. Instead of trusting them that there would be things on the buffet though, I latched onto the first meal item that sounded even remotely like something I could eat. I regretted not doing the buffet which had so many more options but because it was called a sushi buffet, I had it in my head that it meant only sushi. All in all, it was a very anxious experience because I couldn't simply stand up for myself about not being comfortable with the sudden change to something I had no time to prepare myself for.

[@earth-air-water-fire-aether]

If you told me you were autistic, I wouldn't care, and I don't care ot listen. What I mean is, I'd accept you anyways without having to explain yourself. It gets like that the more you go in to life, and if people can't accept your weird quirks and behavior without a label then it's probably people you shouldn't be around. Careful with tying identity to labels because it limit and narrow your view of people, and some people can't communicate and accept perceived differences. Just be yourself, no one judges unless they judge themselves.

[@RedNicole22]

I can relate. I’m been masking all my life for both reasons. I do not wish to have attention and I wish to fit in, but not so much that I need to interact. I only do well in one on one interactions, as I’m always worried about looking ignorant. I also make poor decisions when put on the spot, and I question myself always. I get nervous when I go to new places, or have to order something from new places. I prefer to be unnoticed, and replay everything in my mind after I leave. It’s exhausting. I also try to make excuses to not join social gatherings if I may be put on the spot or if ppl I’m not comfortable with will be there. I’m almost 50 and doubt that will ever change, and honestly I don’t want it too. It’s just too much pressure and my spirit can’t handle it. I need my alone time.

[@fernandagardeleo7045]

@@RedNicole22 wow...well i'm 24 and can relate 100% all you described

[@fernandagardeleo7045]

@@RedNicole22 wow...well i'm 24 and can relate 100% all you described

[@LeeHawkinsPhoto]

I’m a dude in my 40s and I have a lot more anxiety around food at some times but not so much in others. I like to try new things, but only when I’m in the mood for it. I at times get into situations like the sushi buffet, but I like sushi…I’m not so much into Chinese buffets though. Anyway, I mask like any autistic person, but I don’t know that I do it as much-maybe I get away with it more as a man? I think it has to be harder for women because men are typically not as criticized for expressing opinions. I still have felt like I get criticized for questioning so many things though-things like “what’s on the buffet?” I’ve found that if I just ask “can I check out the salad bar so I can see what’s on it?” that the answer is nearly always “sure! that’s great!” because they want to sell it to you. It may be weird for your friends, but I’m already weird anyway, so I might as well embrace it 😂 anyway…it alleviates a lot of anxiety for me if I thoroughly and visually understand my options with the buffet/salad bar, which in general makes EVERYTHING so much easier! I have really been working hard to understand what really increases my anxiety, and just developing strategies and decision processes that help me reduce it. I’m still really distressed by situations with new people and new places where I don’t know the social protocol and I have misgivings at my being able to handle them. I’m very VERY thankful for my wife, who has helped a lot in supporting me through most of my anxieties. What’s weird is that I am definitely an extravert…which seems rare among autistic people. I LOVE people! I definitely get my energy from being around people and meeting new people. My wife on the other hand is highly introverted, where she puts on a great game face, but she gets exhausted from interaction while I find it exhilarating. She is also ADD and has some of her own social quirks…and so there are times where I help to reduce her anxiety on things because they happen to be things that don’t bother me. Like I’m fine making phone calls and asking questions and I’m great at managing finances, while she shrinks on that stuff. But sometimes in social interactions I’m really uncomfortable with something and I don’t want to upset our friends and I can talk it through with her and she helps me figure that stuff out so I can relax much more and not upset the apple cart. I’ve also learned that there are some social things that I do much better at despite my autism because…I don’t know…because I’m human just like everyone else. I’ve learned that I may come across weird and be bad at some social interactions, but there are plenty of other social interactions where I can and do excel and that my sincerity, empathy, and care for other people will overcome my deficiencies in the end with most interactions, and that neurotypical people don’t get along 100% of the time (or even more!) either. Sorry for the ramble…I just want to say that it’s ok and maybe easier sometimes to ask questions and investigate when you can do you know whether to get the sushi buffet or not. I hope that helps…the anxiety of asking that question certainly is a lot, but the release of anxiety it will get you on having food you enjoy to eat, at least in my mind is worth it. YMMV though.

[@ClayDisarray]

Gosh, you've articulated all of this so well and I relate to so much of it. 💜

[@FaieEnigma]

Thank you for this video. You gave me words. It has always been difficult to express the emotions, feeling behind the masking and the masking in itself.

[@fungushoney9958]

OMG, I've really learned something about myself today listening to you describe fawning. This has caused me severe social issues my entire life. When I'm in intimate social situations, like close friendships or relationships, I lose track of my own person. Major friendships and relationships end in falling outs because i'm different than they thought i was, and every time in the end I struggle to understand why. It's because I am the most agreeable person in the world that gives you back exactly what you give to me until it goes completely out of my hands. I never made a single friend in life, they all made me.

[@kipper1668]

We really wish there was more of a space for sincerity and discomfort in public social interactions so if you're a weird person you don't feel like it would be an affront to dignity to be genuine around others

[@SongBillong]

Really glad you spoke about the fawning thing. I think a lot of people see autistic people as quite self-centred and uninterested in others' needs, but that really isn't the case. Fantastic video!

[@jethrobradley7850]

Great video. So much of what you describe I can relate to. Primary school was a soup of sensory overload, suppressing gestures/stims and trying to decipher what everyone was talking or laughing about. And often feeling a beat behind everyone else. I’m not sure adulthood is all that different really 🙂. Well, maybe there is a certain freedom to be more eccentric in some creative settings

[@Fuhlishiz]

I think it’s safe to say I’m autistic. I’ve now obsessively read and reread “unmasking autism”, I’ve listened to so many autistic peoples stories and so many years of working through my past and healing, everything except an assessment. Which I don’t have access to at the moment. Regardless of official diagnosis, accepting and working toward unmasking has actually saved my life. I’m not joking. I was experiencing extreme burnout over and over again. I could barely work only a few months at a time, my relationships were breaking and ending around me because I couldn’t figure out what was wrong with me. I nearly ended my own life and lost all of my friends and partner. Now? Ever since I realized I was actually autistic, I’ve been unmasking, stimming as needed, and accommodating myself. I now work in a job that doesn’t give me panic attacks because I’m more aware of my sensory and social needs, and my coworkers have all seen me stim and have meltdowns and have still accepted me. It makes spending all of those stressful years masking as much as I did seem so silly in hindsight, because now I have a social circle that understands my “quirkiness”, I found an amazing partner that loves me AND my autistic self, and living feels more hopeful and worth it now even as I’m learning more about my needs.

[@droseraliju]

Same here!!! I would be experiencing a bunch of psychosomatic symptoms because of me masking, forcing myself or pushing myself over my limits. I have been working on trying to be more authentic self and I have much less stress now. I overcame my life time underweight which was probably caused by a huge anxiety and negative emotions that I used to hold back and internalized. As I'm reading more and more about adhd and autism I notice a lot of traits in myself.

[@bluecrystalwolfqueen9268]

I'm like, 90% sure I'm autistic, and been diagnosed twice with ADHD (in a family and extended family of neurodivergents), and every time I start to doubt whether my instinct is correct, a video like this will come along and completely confirm all my suspicions. I especially relate to the "internal monologue", the effort to put on the proper emotion and intensity of emotion, and the feeling that people are constantly telling me, literally or metaphorically, "you're wrong" or "you're weird" about literally everything. Fortunately, as I was homeschooled, I (mostly) escaped being bullied as a child and teen, but then when I hit college I was completely handicapped with a barely-junior-high social skill level (my mom was also super controlling and abusive so I didn't get much socializing until college, but that's a whole other story). Being ostracized in college was hell, to the point where I started just avoiding people because it was more fun to do things I loved alone rather than be in a group of people who made me feel left out or got upset at me for being "too excited" about my interests. And work has always been uncomfortable at best, and an absolute living nightmare at worst, cause when I'm not dealing with annoying customers, I'm dealing with petty/creepy/bullying coworkers and managers, who just seem to smell that I'm different somehow and zero in for the kill when I inevitably let my mask slip and accidentally do something they don't think is socially acceptable.

[@ShekinahGwaii]

Another incredible video, thank you! On the nose about everything. It helps explain some responses to childhood trauma and my adult inability to STOP FAWNING but it has been soooo successful for me as a PDA (yes that term sucketh) it has led to many leadership positions where I did such a good job, I never felt anything but pride in my success and was rewarded highly. That is, until I had contracted some medical issues, and became unable to care for myself. I am in hell, but understanding the specialness of it actually helps. Please, more! Plus some ice water if you don't mind, ha

[@JuuliaRibeiroS]

I recognized in my behavior all of the traits you explained! I was diagnosed with depression and anxiety back in 2014, and received the BPD diagnosis in 2021. I thought that was it, but as I felt the time passing, I realized I was just trying to fit in all the diagnosis that professionals gave me, even if I felt something was off. I’m looking into getting an actual diagnosis and this video really helped me, thank you ❤

[@lihns]

I was diagnosed at 3 and for all of my life I have had to mask it in front of my own parents, not to mention other neurotypical people, to the point that it has virtually become subconscious for me to mask it to myself. Thank you sm for this video

[@julianwest4030]

Thank you for talking about this. I've always noticed that the people I'm closest with get the most inconsistent eye contact from me. lol

[@imautisticnowwhat]

Glad to know it's not just me! You're so welcome 😀

[@jetray556]

I appreciate you making this video, I know it takes a lot of courage to speak in front of an audience, I can relate to a lot of the stuff you said in the video, thanks for explaining all the aspects to asd I couldn’t quite navigate myself, it will probably help me more in life 😊

[@user-sk3ng5nq8b]

oh my gosh this makes so much sense. im not diagnosed and wasnt sure whether im autistic or just weird?? but now im beginning to understand where it can come from. (im not trying to self diagnose but i want to channel myself to find a therapist that could actually help me instead of trying to change this side of me) when you mentioned learning certain phrases i remembered how i told my friend that i like learning foreign languages because sometimes you are given a list of phrases with a very specific explanation of the context in which you should use them. and this is SO helpful to me! i actually tried to do the same with my native language and it made some social interactions easier for me sorry if this is too chaotic, i just felt like sharing it hahah

[@tubbygubbler]

regarding "have a nice day!" - something i say, instead of having to remember what time of day would be most appropriate to wish someone: "have a good one!" that way, whether they wanted me to say morning, day, evening, night, or weekend, they can fill it in with the item of their choice. i hope that makes sense 😅 it's worked for me so far!

[@ImazABoss]

My go tos are, " Have a good one!" and "take care!".

[@tubbygubbler]

@@ImazABoss "take care" is genius! i say "stay safe!" which i think is pretty similar. funnily enough, i think "farewell!" used to mean the same thing as "take care!" - literally telling someone to "fare well" in their travels. i think it's cute!

[@lucyarmstrong9408]

My daughter has just been diagnosed with autism and watching this makes me realise I probably am too. I particularly understand the mirroring others behaviour and the fawning. I feel seen ❤

[@amyjennings2343]

3:58 constant internal dialogue ! Omg I felt so much relief hearing you explain this! I do this ALL the time even with people I know well. It is so tiring. I was aware that my partner doesn’t do this as I asked him. Only recently have I learned this is an autism thing. Thank you so much for your videos.

[@BattlingOwnWar]

Person-y LOL i like your humour. tbh whilst searching for asc vids for my assessment in 2 days i have come across loads of channels with people explaining autism and i almost didn't watch this as i find it hard to listen for a while and who to listen to?! but you are easy to listen to and i like the editing which gives little brain breaks visually, but also your voice changes and keeps me alert. you seem fun! thank you!

[@rogue3398]

That study quote at the beginning reminded me, I once asked on my social media if any of my friends would have guessed before I told them that I was autistic and they all said "no" and I was dumbfounded because I knew I was different to them. They didn't know I was different to them. They just did things to other me without ever thinking about it or realizing, I guess, and it's so weird.

[@aspidoscelistigris]

I had that experience with anxiety, specifically. People think I’m very calm, because under stress I’m less able to portray emotions-it gets a lot harder to deal with the stress and think through what that’s supposed to look like. And going to the trouble of putting on an “anxiety” performance in a stressful situation just seems counterproductive. Why would I do that? Who is it supposed to help? So I revert to my default, which is not displaying emotion.

[@aspidoscelistigris]

(Of course, this only works up to a point. With enough stress, I crash-I’ve just gotten better at not doing that around people.)

[@Thaelyn1312]

I just had to pause at the "You laugh at everything, even at jokes at your expense", oh gods lolsob I remember this mostly in my early 20s, there was a group of people I was trying to be friends with & they were all...not great, & I just remember laughing a lot to just keep the convo going or when I didn't understand or maybe I didn't hear them. Thank you for this video 🌸

[@musashihumar]

It is so incredibly refreshing that someone out there finally understands my entire life experience. What my past was like and what life is like now when it comes to autism. It feels a little less lonely now. Thank you for making this, because now I have something to share with my close friends and family to show them what it is actually like being me.

[@Ninillii]

This video resonated with me completely. I am currently trying to get a testing appointment, and recognizing myself in every single one of these traits was strangely reassuring that I probably really am autistic and not just faking it

[@katiesimnacher4398]

I'm realizing now I'm autistic (after being told directly by my autistic friends that I am very clearly autistic) and I definitely thought I was very good at blending in, but I think I just spent so much time in my own world and head that I never noticed how weird I was to other people. Like how I can't wear my hair down or I'll get agitated, or how I used to chew on my lips or hair as a kid and wouldn't realize I was doing it. Or how much time I spent drawing on the chalkboards in my English teachers room in junior high during lunch.

[@greyscaleadaven]

Masking is such a key part of understanding autistic people and why we struggle as much as we do in social situations, even if it's not overt or visible. When I was in middle and high school, there were days I'd go home with a smile on my face only to meltdown into a pillow in my room behind locked doors because of even one thing I did that could be construed as autistic in nature. I remember one day masking fatigue got so bad that I got bedsick for multiple days after a social event, in which I presented and somewhat felt perfectly fine outside of a few sniffles here and there (pre-covid obviously). I've learned that icing my muscles and head after a long day really does help me to recover from that energy deficit faster. Ironically, my isolation was also a method I used to mask away my real personality, mannerisms, and feelings. I also couldn't watch recordings of myself from when I was younger, because I just couldn't take accepting that my body was moving like that as a kid when I didn't know it was an issue. That's kind of where my memory issues started, because I didn't want to remember being that autistic, and it kind of translated into forgetting other less favorable details about my childhood too. Masking is such a big deal for us, and it's not overstated enough how people speaking out about it helps us feel better about who we are. At least if we didn't already replace that with whatever media we consumed or people we were around that is. But still, it's a vital thing to understand about autistic people and why we react in the ways we do. Especially when it comes to self-imposed ableism, because I often come across people that don't understand why I resented it for so long when it's just a part of me I should accept.

[@hkbxella8115]

very helpful, because well informed, experienced, but not over-explained, but told from the heart. Nice tune in background, good vibe and energy in the kind smile.

[@roweme]

Your internal analysis during conversation was SO validating. I also have the stock phrase "Have a good weekend", which I say to people even on a Wednesday if I'm not going to see them again. I don't know what else to say at the end of a conversation and I only recently realised that "Have a nice evening" might be a better 'script'....

[@SickDelusion]

I feel so seen by this video, and your explanations are so great. Thanks for this video and your content in general.

[@caraziegel7652]

OMG that first memory - i have never seen anything that i related to as much! I have a clear memory of 6th grade, we had some free time and then the teacher started lecturing and everyone was sitting on their chairs, hands on their desk, listening to the teacher. After a while i noticed that i was . . . sitting on my desk!! I was mortified and wondered why my teacher didnt correct me! 2 years earlier, a girl had approached me on the playground telling me that if dressed a certain way and did a certain thing with my hair, i would have more friends. I just walked off and climbed the climbing structure that almost no other girls ever climbed I also remember constantly checking my behavior against those around me in school. I am in my 50s and literally still most days at work I'm reviewing interactions with people at work, wondering if I did it wrong. It doesnt help that i'm a yankee living on the south, with very different social expectations i didnt grow up with.

[@caraziegel7652]

Ok, later on - my mom recently, when I asked her, said they knew I was socially weird, but they figured I was so smart, I'd figure it out. I didnt realize i might be autistic until months after my son was diagnosed when I found some essays specifically about gifted autistic women and WOW . . . I've had casual friends say they've known lots of autistic people and I'm not autistic, but my family firmly believes I am. Listening to you 'bye!' at the end of your video - reminded me of how hard it is to end phone calls!!

[@dubidubidooba]

I've sort of thought I could be autistic on and off for a few years now, but after watching your videos everything makes so much more sense. I relate to just about every single thing you've talked about from your experience. I always used to think that I don't fit the stereotypical view of autism so I must not be, but now it's like I as a person now make sense. I'm still not 100% sure I'm on the spectrum, and I don't think I will be unless I talk to someone about it. Anyway I just want to say I adore your videos and I think you're wonderful.

[@kats7930]

Wow the bit about the constant thinking about where and what you are doing really hit home for me... (I was diagnosed as an adult)

[@That1Knife]

This is so relatable especially the internal monologue. I think I have some light autism, there's definitely some traits I don't have, like personally I don't struggle with eye contact but a lot of people do, but anyways thanks for the video!

[@ordinaryextraordinary9484]

when i was younger, i realised i liked hanging out with people who had very extreme and easy-to-read facial expressions (almost as though they required less energy to be around) and decided i would alter my expression to be more over-the-top so i was more palatable to those around me. after watching this video, i realise that is possibly the most ASD thing i could’ve done.

[@PositivelyNice]

#1 is already so relatable. And then you went on to #2, 3, and 4, and I feel like you have known me all my life. Thank you for this.

[@sug4rb0mb]

i really enjoy listening to you talk! this was a great video, i laughed and i cried and i laugh-cried. the internal monologue is exhausting and i guess it never goes away cuz i am 35 now, and its as if i have personal clone of myself living in my head that wont shut up lol. I am so glad you popped up on my suggested videos because it helps to be able to relate and i love listening to you explain things that ive been struggling to understand or explain myself

[@unigreen7747]

Just found this channel already love this

[@brookestokes9561]

Oh god... Thank you for this! The part at the beginning about how we're judged more harshly even when masking made me feel so much better. I had friends in primary school, but I was still picked on by a lot of kids and teased and mimicked even in my friend group. In high school, I had one friend, and I basically became her clone. I started wearing my glasses again, got my hair cut like hers, borrowed her clothes all the time, etc. As an adult, I have struggled with jobs. Even when I have a really good idea to make a process more efficient or easier to manage or to make something more organised, I will literally be talked over and ignored when I try to talk about it. Being talked over happens to me so often; I will be a sentence and a half in and then people will literally just start talking about something else while I'm still talking. It's so extremely frustrating, but it makes me feel better to know that they're probably picking up on some odd body language, facial expressions, and the way say things and my speaking volume which is always either too loud or too quiet and subconsciously judging me to be different/inferior. It's frustrating, but it does make me feel better knowing there is a reason beyond that I'm just broken that this happens.

[@jbug884]

I get talked over too, I come away feeling down in the dumps and analysing the conversation over and over to work out what I’m doing wrong. 😢

[@Crashbarrier09]

I was recently diagnosed ADHD, i am waiting for the Autism assessment (the waiting list is very long in my area). it's only recently that i found out about "masking" and realised it was what i am doing. Thankyou so much for making this video. It is genuinely useful to me and to help the general anxiety i have in wider society.

[@AurenGlytterkat]

Thank you so much for posting this. I’m autistic (diagnosed when I was six, I’m forty now 😅)… masking is exhausting and I have resolved not to do anymore, but, it’s such a habit, it’s hard to stop. It feels so much better to stop and just be myself though!! Anyways thank you 🙏🏻 you’re a blessing to this world.