The Worst Thing You Can Do To A Narcissist

Narcissists, with their controlling, contrarian ways can emotionally wear you out. Dr. Les Carter cautions that as you are fatigued by them, bad habits can emerge, so he identifies the worst thing you can do to a narcissist as you try to find the better path. The bottom line is that you don't need to become a mirror image of who they are.
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[@loulou9978]

Narcissist aren’t happy until they’ve broken you down in every way. Walk away and stop giving them energy. No contact. Don’t engage. They love to fight. It gives them energy. The best revenge is to walk away and live your best life. Karma takes care of them.

[@davidcoppotelli3957]

1000% Correct

[@Kaptainstabbin]

I had to see her today to drop off my daughter it killed me because I still love her

[@OhNyappyDays]

Amen to that! I walked out on our family conversations (fb+wa) after one of these "I'm right, your not, respect my right opinnion"-convos. Lately after going to psychotherapy for a 1.5 years I've started to "drop the ball" in these convos and just walking out. What is the point when she's never gonna say "ok, I was wrong and I'm sorry"

[@darinvee4980]

@@Kaptainstabbin The 11 year anniversary of my divorce was yesterday and I really still feel what you wrote. It took me about a year and a half to realize the love was only a one way street. It really doesn't make it "easy", but it does help reinforce that I didn't do anything wrong. This video was hard to listen to, because I did try to expose my ex-wife and her lies. For the most part people don't care. It's a tough pill to swallow, but eventually you will recognize the person you loved never actually existed.

[@phylvalen9991]

@@Kaptainstabbin I'm so sorry to hear that. Love makes it much harder to stay away. Stay strong and determined, wish you well from South Africa

[@treelover1050]

THE WORST IS GO NO CONTACT AND IGNORE THEM FOREVER. NO ATTENTION AND LIVE A HAPPY LIFE.

[@lexbeltran1354]

Exactly, ignore them forever like they never existed 😄

[@David-jd6go]

It worked for me.

[@elizabethd.2398]

I'm dealing with this right now from a narcissistic neighbor. I was so thrilled when she moved out of my neighborhood a few weeks ago. But she's still in the same small town, and the charades continue. The other day she sent a flying monkey to inform me that she got married and some other nonsense that she knew would really upset me. I was caught by surprise -- because up to that point, I really liked that woman and had no idea she was a FM. So now I'm gonna make sure that neither of them ever has access to me again. 🤚

[@dumblizzie]

It worked for me - they hate no contact, they can't get to you. Being happy and confident near them drives them nuts. Karma - rejection👹🖤

[@RioJudy]

That’s the only thing that works- NO CONTACT

[@vladquebec]

When you say that you don't like something to a narcissistic person, they're going to do it even more!

[@carpathianken]

That's why combining our self respect to strict boundaries is a definite no-no because anytime you set a distinct boundary with a narcissist they'll make it their life's mission to not only overstep that boundary that you're trying to enforce but they'll steamroll over it & then feign ignorance that you ever set that boundary in the first place.

[@vladquebec]

@@carpathianken Amen to that brother/sister/other! :-)

[@GG-ul8ne]

Exactly. And, the fact that the narcissists just insist on continuously & repeatedly running around that same hamster wheel, of making it their sole mission to harm/hurt/destroy you, by violating your boundaries & trying to break you, no matter what type of relationship, is why, if & when possible, I believe it's just necessary to go no-contact with them, permanently. That's what I had to do with siblings & friends, who are like this.

[@Annebaby12]

@@GG-ul8ne I get you : I've had to stop frequenting my family and it's not been easy, but it's for the better.

[@aureaudio]

That's why you can use boundaries to vet them upfront.

[@cynthiaclaire5861]

Having suffered through at least 3 narcissists in my life, I firmly believe in NO CONTACT!

[@inegundersveen1487]

I couldn't agree more. But what if you are not alone - what if the narcissist is the father of your children AND he has managed to wangle full custody of them, denying you all access? How can you help them survive the narcissist when you are denied contact?

[@LightBeing369]

Absolutely agree

[@judithmurray6458]

Thank you for sharing your comment. I've only realised in the past couple of weeks that I have been in narcissistic relationships; my first husband a marriage that lasted just4 years but our connection is still here because we share an adult son who lives with a chronic mental illness (he too is narcissistic and lives with schizophrenia) and I am currently walking away from a 25 year close friendship with a male friend. Learning about narcissism is helping me to make sense. My younger brother is a dangerous narcissist and I have had to block my relationship with him.

[@HungryH1951]

It is the only way to truly get rid of a narcissist forever.

[@John-tp5gc]

Don't react to their shit. Will drive them crazy.

[@scottzuccone3023]

Major self control!

[@peter5149]

What I’ve learned is that the thing that hurts a malignant narcissist the most is indifference.

[@ignacedhont9816]

Every person and even pets are hurt bad by indifference or the silent treatment.. that is not typical for a narcissist. As a matter of fact, the silence treatment is a weapon of the narcissist.

[@felicitybywater8012]

You are spot on. I was away. That's why I'm sane and didn't commit suicide.

[@stalyirmangin6249]

@@ignacedhont9816 a broken clock has to be right at least once a day...

[@hissyfitz7890]

⭐️⭐️⭐️ ‘Narcissists have a LIMITLESS need to prop up their insecurities by holding you down.’ ⭐️⭐️⭐️

[@sweetlikechocolate437]

Absolutely, so true.

[@bereal6590]

Yes they all do it in different ways but the end result is the same

[@MJ-qb5ph]

Totally agree Hissy

[@hissyfitz7890]

@@MJ-qb5ph - Actually quoted from Dr. C

[@LFMA7]

Agree. Sad if they are family or " friends ".

[@KayNichols]

The worst thing you can do is try to use their behavior against them. The best thing you can do is live you life as if they dont exist. Their worst fear is being irrelevant.

[@ceebee1704]

Have boundaries Say no to them. Ignore them. Live your life, be free and do not let them take your light from you. Be everything that they are not.

[@saltycat662]

You can't say no or have boundaries. They will punish you if you do. That's what happened to me with my narc in laws. The only thing you can do is cut them off completely.

[@flightydancer]

Lovely!

[@carrie6157]

Soooo hard to ignore !

[@scottzuccone3023]

THERE ARE NO BOUNDARIES THAT HOLD UP AGAINST A NARCISSIST!

[@sharontalley2155]

They really hate it when you completely ignore them.

[@teresadvorak6145]

Yes, they hate it so much, they destroy your character to anyone who will listen & plant bad seeds behind your back, the whole time U are ignoring them. They are dastardly evil energy.....

[@teresadvorak6145]

I may have to miss my mom's funeral because I don't want to see my bully narc sister there. I just want her to leave me alone,get off my ass,& never speak to me again

[@anais457]

I just left my husband who is a narcissist. I had changed everything about me and did everything his way and he was still unhappy with me. He found fault in me for everything. Married 5 years and I just left my house and everything in it and walked away. I refuse to respond to phone calls or text it will do no good. I have learned from experience. I am starting a new life in a new state and have never been happier.

[@Strangertothisworld-vw5zr]

Hope u are doing well. I hav some foot out door w no where to go … if I be homeless then that I shall be . This is abuse . Toxic . Gets worse each year . Goes couple weeks of love bombing and can last even couple months which is shocking . But then I pay for it w mental abuse - verbal abuse - and rejection. Says he doesn’t wanna see my face no more - on anniversary plans canceled . Paniac attacks . State of constant anxiety when he is in this state . Then makes fun of me for it . Hurts cause anxiety is from trauma too as child. Made fun of my sexual abuse couple weeks ago n I saw evil when he did that. Now he is behind my back telling his family I’m crazy not doing my part as a wife !

[@carolhill8917]

Keeps changing the "rules"

[@ckn9503]

Wow, you have alot of strength. Don't give in

[@stalyirmangin6249]

I hope you're living your best life, now. Love and light to you 😘

[@lornocford6482]

An empathetic person can't 'win' in a battle with someone with little empathy because the empathetic person has a stopping point, the person without empathy does not.

[@scruffscrofula]

Great explanation!

[@user-yj7xw8on2t]

Well said.

[@andreamalerba1764]

This is the period when you find out who your real friends were.

[@skepticalmom2948]

I spent 30 years in a relationship with a narcissist. I waited until our son went to college to escape. In those 30 years he would constantly keep score, demeaned me, marginalized me, criticized me, ridiculed me to anyone he could. I would catch him talking behind my back. I tried at first to keep the divorce peaceful, friendly, I tried to be the bigger person. Nothing worked. He turned my son against me along with my sons wife. None of our friends stuck by me. But I count myself a winner. I escaped. Alone is way better than being considered less.

[@wisconsinfarmer4742]

it is peace

[@skepticalmom2948]

@@wisconsinfarmer4742 , that it is.

[@cassandra9181]

Some people will see through them and come back to you. And you will find out who your true friends are.

[@claudineswatt6756]

❤😊

[@umelokarnes5460]

Same here! But I got rid of all those so called friends (flying monkeys) right alone with him. Divorced 5/25/2017. New life , new friends, new attitude. Life is wonderful! 😊

[@deborahadcock978]

A narcissist will never let you have the last word!!You have been through enough.Let it go and walk away.

[@TheAxe4Ever]

The best way to handle a narcissist is ignore them, carry on with your life, show them you are happy, then throw them out of your life. Life is too short to deal with such people. Simple.

[@TheDivayenta]

It’s tough when it’s your mother who squelched you all thru childhood.

[@graveyardghost2603]

No contact and complete silence works for me.

[@joannahediger7820]

Anyone whose intention is to do you harm should be recognized as having declared themselves your enemy and treated as such-whether you chose to withdraw, build protective boundaries or, if necessary more actively defend yourself. It is psychologically and emotionally confusing to realize that someone you thought was a friend or partner is actually an enemy to your well-being. We need to be trained in self-defense. They are committed to doing us harm.

[@scottzuccone3023]

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[@jessicayoung6208]

Honestly though I believe the worst thing you can do to a narcissist other than expose them, is honestly nothing more than just being happy without them, successful without them and living a healthy life without them.

[@tootienottoofruitie1726]

Lock them in a room by themselves with a tape repeating NO

[@PeteTash32]

My guess before watching this is that ignoring them, making them feel irrelevant and having a good life would be a good way to go.

[@dlyteeats3868]

yeah i set boundaries after i figured out how my boyfriends narc mother was after she kept on behaving a certain way then she started getting violent with me by punching me and calling me a bitch and telling me to drop dead tons of times after i set my boundaries

[@dylanhiroki9067]

Right on the money!

[@travelingthediaspora7996]

@@dlyteeats3868 You should leave BOTH of them. What happens if you marry him? Have kids? She’s not going anywhere. Do you want her in your kid’s lives, hitting them, calling them Bitches!? She will become enmeshed in your life so much, that you will feel trapped, maybe really trapped. Once she did those things, you should have broke it off. Red flags in relationships BEFORE marriage, shouldn’t be ignored. It’s hard, but YOU ARE WORTH IT.

[@felicitybywater8012]

That's what I did. Best thing I ever did.

[@TheMazinoz]

Pathologically irrational, pathologically defensive. Exactly. Describes them in a nutshell. It is what makes them so difficult to deal with and dangerous. You never know what BS is going to come at you next. The ONLY solution is to at least minimise all contact or best to get them totally out of your life and move on in peace.

[@ginamilford7311]

The expression, if you wrestle with pigs’ then you’re going to get dirty’ is one way to describe a conflict with a narcissist.

[@javierpecora7395]

when you think a narcissist do something that is unbeatable terrible, then they do something worse..so true

[@tinabobina177]

You explain this disorder so well. It is so helpful. A thief will steal from you, a murdered will murder you. The scariest person is the one that you never know what they will do next. Narcissist fall into that category. They are the worst of the worst.

[@taraarrington2285]

Yes.

[@dvssayer5621]

Well said!

[@lisarochwarg4707]

They really have a thing about abandonment, rejection and being forgotten. I think that's part of the reason they don't let go of their victims. They don't want to be consigned to the dustbin of history.

[@Violincase]

1:20 - "If they have an opinion, it's a better opinion." My experience is - if they have an opinion, they think it's a fact.

[@cazjay017]

100%..

[@AM-uy4sb]

Oh, wow! Just 2 days ago my therapist told me to "not poke the bear" in a situation where she agreed my revenge would actually be funny. Then I see your video this morning about not wrestling with an alligator. Guess that is a sign that I need to drop it, despite how evil the person is being towards me. Grateful for the wisdom. Thank you!

[@THRASHMETALFUNRIFFS]

YEah... don't grab an alligator by the tail unless you want to get bit!

[@peabody3000]

in the narc's game, the only way to win is not to play

[@masterdaveedwards]

@@peabody3000 ain't that the truth...

[@umesandranitta7835]

I have been also not to "poke the bear" by couple of people too.

[@KiKi-te9yd]

I can confirm, it only escalates and makes them one up you again 🤣

[@larryleker6366]

As I continually told my sister until our mother died, 'the only way to win her game is not to play.' This can be very hard to do, because narcissists have such well honed tools to enmesh and entrap their victims. When the threats fail, the tears start. When the tears fail, the flying monkeys gather. And even after the flying monkeys fail, the relentless malicious whispers continue to anyone who will listen. The only thing worse than being a sociopath is fighting a sociopath. Remember: If there's a single thing you're not willing to do to destroy them you will always be at a disadvantage. And if you're willing to do anything, then they've succeeded in making you just like them. Just walk away.

[@diontrott4876]

Definitely well said. Thanks Larry. I actually needed that. Dealing with my ex who appears to be beginning the process of alienating me from my kids.

[@jocelynstewart1186]

Thank YOU, agreed. 🤗

[@venusrising6554]

Very well said. Even walking away is a threat they will fight to the end. "How dare you withhold my supply" But it's the only way. (Along w/a crucifix on the front door & garlic wreaths around the windows).

[@rwdchannel2901]

The reason it's so bad to fight them is because their mind is such a cesspool it'll make you wonder how they came up with such sick things they say. It's not possible for a normal person to replicate and use on them back.

[@Me-xoxoz]

Sounds like what l keep telling my sister about our mother.She understands my mother’control and negativity but when l mention narcissism ,my sister seems to be in denial.

[@sonnyca]

After enduring so much abuse, I fall into that trap of losing my cool which is what my abusers want me to do.

[@villasoka884]

They are predictable, is your big advantage! When you're not, and you don't react, you are stronger, and they are weak. Is a hard habit to break tho!

[@MichaelDavis-cy4ok]

I had a relative who continually brought out the worst in me. It was a good decision for me to cut off contact. You might want to consider the same; it took a lot of stress out of my life. Good luck either way!

[@laurenharper1510]

Don’t feel bad because I think all of us have fallen into their sneaky traps and reacted to them. Just keep getting up, dusting your self off and keep trying to disconnect from them.

[@roxianna]

it's okay - it's not your fault :)

[@rosemariemann1719]

@@villasoka884 But if you don't stand up for yourself, they take it as you backing down, their victory...😢... What do you do then ?! 🇬🇧😢🦉🤔🥀😢🇬🇧

[@041101213]

The best revenge is success (whatever that means for you)! You needn’t do anything - the narcissist creates their own hell.

[@041101213]

@@europasatellit3 is it a success if it brings misery?

[@kellyrodgers4961]

My guess is, don't let them make you 'crack' in otherwords, don't let them break you.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

You're on it.

[@sspur2034]

@@SurvivingNarcissism Under many assorted names, there's a narcissist right here answering your questions for you. She's pushing 80 and she has learned all about the topic from you, and from being left by one; years ago, and by being one herself. Since she's run out of ways to pay back her long lost ex; she's all over me, an old pen pal. She follows me on any and every social media that exists today. I was almost flattered, but when my sick baby brother died and she bent over backwards to make fun of him and disgrace him on public forums as to anger me, it's then I realized that she wasn't just borderline as had long stated, but was in fact a narcissist herself- also. She'd sell her eyes to burn me. I've learned to ignore/pity her now that I know what she is. A lonely aging narc and her supply is running low. Her revenge currently is such that I feel she's in love with me, along with being a narcissist. Is this possible? She wants to know everything she can about me ad nauseum, by sneaking on my FB timeline, using my friends and relatives identities to learn what she can about me, and much much more. She's on me like a barnacle and doesn't let go. I use to think she was somewhat intelligent, but her 20 some odd year behavior suggests way less. ie: There isn't a single question on Quora she hasn't been the first to answer. (a la google) That's a tiny, miniscule example of her. Just venting here, as there are no answers for this one. You're the very best and you're right on the money Dr. Carter. Thank you forever for all of your imparted knowledge! :) You have helped me to understand the impossible.

[@fredrickimhoff2541]

In my experience, before I was aware that someone was a narcissist, my very attempt at reconciliation and harmony was taken as a threat. Really almost anything you say to these people can and will be used against you. I made every mistake mentioned in the video, mainly because I didn't understand what I was dealing with. These people can drive you crazy, as DR C said their logic isn't rational. All narcissism is flavored with a malicious quality.

[@francesbernard2445]

My experience too. As they get older it is almost as if they believe that it is their right to use all in their environment around them including their family members most as if they are only their possessions too in order to construct their 'better' all the time false mask of superiority over the average person.

[@THRASHMETALFUNRIFFS]

/w\Exactly/w\

[@valeriewalkerwhite9525]

My issue was never trying to given clarity my question mostly has been do you have a life and if so, go live it and leave mine alone.

[@bodymindsoul60]

Well said!!

[@marionthompson3365]

Same for me Frederick. Bewilderment and confusion. Unfortunately many of us go through this until we see the light. Stay safe and best wishes to your healthy and peaceful life.

[@immers2410]

It’s vengeful to try to get the narcissist back and just proves that you’re as bad as each other. Forgive, wish them well and move on. It’s the best thing for your mental health.

[@sunflower7532]

Ignore them. That gets their goat. They like engagement of any kind, like a spoilt child. It’s like heroin to an addicted person. To be passive and walk on egg shells is Methadone as is to the addict. But ignore them, is cold turkey. Ask an addict how much hell that is. Walk away, turn away, go no contact, go low contact poker face. Once your back is too them, smile, the good the light is on your side.

[@teachersusan3730]

I agree 100%. My oldest son once said to me: He (his father) is addicted to you. You are his heroine. The sooner you ignore him the better. I went no contact. It drove the ex narc crazy.

[@bridgetwalker384]

I went decades before I researched what his symptoms were. I thought he was depressed and tried to help him til it caused me CPTSD. I went to the docs, she said what would happen if you challenged his behaviour. I said, I guess I'm going to find out... It . It escalated to such an extent I had paranoia, psychosis and a mental breakdown. Relations with other folk have changed, some have backed off by making excuses. Some have been verbally supportive of a new life. One took me home for a very long wk end. I think she saved me from a heart attack. Bless her. I've had complete strangers being so kind, they are now my new friends. We support one another. The problem for me was, I think the best of everybody until there is no possible doubt left by which time there has been great damage.. I was totally unaware of personality disorders. I'm 72 next month and I have to start over..

[@sunflower7532]

@@bridgetwalker384 you are 72 years young but 150 years wiser for the experience. My parents lived into their 90s. I teach cooking to people in their 90s, play Pickleball with people in their 80s ( one is 88) so let’s put age into perspective for you. Life is like the chapters in a book of short stories. Some are longer than others but this last abusive one is over. It’s great you are making new friends. Letting go of anything attached to the trauma is smart. How wonderful your new path has strangers to become friends. Acknowledge your new strong self. I was also sick with all manner of illnesses and PTSD but I will not let the cruel people of this world win. I still see the good in people but I no longer ignore the red flags. Those people can’t play in my sandbox. There are plenty of others for them. Volunteer, pick up a hobby or binge watch your favourite tv. Do what you want but be angry, sad, hurt and sick with a therapist and medicos. The rest of the time make your day full of what you enjoy. You are not alone, you are not the only one but you are uniquely you. Just one wonderful Bridget, going forward…free at last.

[@kimleewhyte]

The worst thing you can do is argue/fight with them because they have nothing to lose. Ignoring them is the answer until they act right/respectfully.

[@CLSmith-fd1es]

The worst thing you can do is expose their secrets in a calm, factual manner to anyone who asks and then move on

[@cindyrobinson3537]

I divorced my malignant narcissist husband and now I have blocked all calls from my 35-year old son (who is a malignant narcissist like his dad). Taking the control away literally makes them go crazy!

[@Blue-hf7xt]

Did you love your baby boy?

[@treelover1050]

LOVE YOURSELF FIRST. YOU KNOW YOUR BOUNDARIES. SORRY ABOUT YOUR SON.

[@ninij9692]

My mom and brother are the narcissist in my family. My mother is the type that needs to feel like she is rescuing others. My brother is the type who needs to feel more important than others...of course my mother always sending him that message his entire life didn't help. He has always lived for free in one of her homes, yet I paid for mine and I have kids. It's their issue now lol. You are doing what you need to do to take care of you. 🤗💜☮

[@skinnyway]

mine is 14 and he blocked me when I found him on social media after 2 years of no contact his narc 'father' has enforced. My sweet son has become just like him. I hope he doesnt also become a pedophile just like him. using his old toys as target practice isnt as satisfying as I had hoped either.

[@Blue-hf7xt]

@@ninij9692 is it resentment or jealousy he lives free rent and you pay?

[@amberfuchs398]

Narcissists view accountability and boundaries as you taking vengeance on them. If you try to point out their untrustworthy and dehumanizing behaviors they tell you that you're bullying them. Best to walk away. There is no such thing as justice when dealing with a narcissist.

[@tinajones5548]

Know that you're strength is in your silence. Let it go, that's what's liberating. Knowledge is power, we now know how narcissists operate thanks to Dr Carter. Thank you sooo much..

[@razzsterling6749]

Agreed🎉

[@steelmagnolia348]

We have learned to let it go, walk away, don’t look back, don’t try to explain in a rational way because this is not a normal situation. It can’t be dealt with in a normal way. Seek peace in yourself & don’t look for some kind of rational or peaceful process. You don’t get it from the Narc. For your own sake, turn your back on them, maintain your distance, it’s the only way you will have peace. It has taken our family years to realize this & now we are all living in peace. It’s not easy to do, but the price you are paying by staying involved isn’t worth it.

[@asalacata4393]

Best reaction to them: no reaction. It's time to be happy. Stay far away from them.

[@erinshort7799]

The narcissist will point the finger at you behaving badly and say, "see how out of awful you are." Even though they were behaving exactly the same way. But they have very bad memories about their own behavior.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Yep! Consider the source and move on.

[@The_authentic_queen_]

REFUSE TO BE A PARTICIPANT IN THEIR GAME.

[@SuperChicagoDude]

It is ALL ABOUT false narcissist superiority vs. your authentic self. They despise you for being you. You must rise above their inferior minded superiority, by being your authentic self. There is no point in battling them. The true ander is you maintain your natural self. you do not have to defy them. You can simply be yourself despite their games. You have to realize you are dealing with a toddler in an adult skin suit. They abandoned their true self. You are your true self. Despite their looking down to you, in reality you are actually superior to them You did not have to prove you are better, they already know you are superior to them. This is why they must attempt to make you miserable. But they are incorrect and inferior. Don't argue with them, simple be confident and self assured and watch them crumble under Their own false self. You be you. They will be them. They will always fail. You will always be your true self. The reality of the situation is they will fail at making you inferior by you being you. Just be you. Trust me, this makes them run and hide from you. .they will fear you and avoid you.

[@teresadvorak6145]

I like the way ya said that 😏. Being ourself is an effective tool the narc doesn't have. But if u feel sorry for them, they will kill ya

[@purpleiguana208]

I have always heard it said about these types of situations that "Living Well is the best revenge."

[@keithrodgers1030]

Then you wonder why businesses fail when a narcissist runs a business or holds a key position. They hang themselves eventually. Same in personal relationships , insecure people end up being a-nightmare to live with. Best way is to walk away , just say when you have calmed down we will reconvene this discussion. Autocratic behaviour damages relationships & businesses.

[@ly5142]

Narcissists don't follow human rules, their rules are take no prisoners, "I WIN, YOU LOSE", even to the point of bringing about your downfall and death. Who is the Father of Lies? That's where they operate from.

[@gailkshaw]

Exactly. The Narc does not ever consider or even comprehend “win/win”

[@fallonrappaport5270]

The Devil is the father of all lies 💯🎯

[@3075bridget]

Truth.

[@kevinhullinger8743]

Well said 👌🏻

[@Gamer-yk5to]

"If they can't win they let you win"

[@observationsincars5083]

The worst thing you can do to a narcissist: breath

[@cathyangell3193]

Your comment made me laugh. It is so true.

[@teresadvorak6145]

Yep, just existing ruffles there feathers a whole bunch 😅🤣

[@katiewallace7571]

I used all this language information to construct the strongest discourse I could muster. After a full week of gaslighting via text I sent a reply. (I did not call the gaslighting by name. I simply cited it as a "list of complaints" in order to leverage his gaslighting off of me and back into his lap to deal with.) I said "You made it crystal clear that you do not like my personality in this relationship. I have an obligation to move on, and so do you. I'm sorry it didn't work out." And you know what? I feel each word and mean it just as plainly as it is written. I'm in balance. I'm informed. I'm wanting to make new friends that are also informed. Ok. I got this. Moving on...

[@katiewallace7571]

He responded with "You're everything I've been looking for you silly ass." I did not respond. I wonder if he forgot my name along the way?! I didn't. I'll just wait for the right caller. The one without need to holler.

[@shiloh7344]

Aloha Katie🌺 I am happy you remembered your name, I did, too!! I commented on another one of your comments, awhile back. I am proud of you for maintaining your clarity, speaking your truth and feeling every word through your mind and body!! Not an easy task!! Each time you honor your truth, may it strengthen you and integrate all that is in you as you press on. I see you are a budding poet. As I had shared with you before, my situation is very serious, today you have inspired me to process the pain with poetry. I think my first great contribution to classic literature will be..... Ode to a Narcissist....... (of course, he will take all of the credit!!)

[@marionthompson3365]

@@katiewallace7571 Well done Katie. Congratulations and peace be with you.

[@jocelynstewart1186]

I Needed to read this, thank you

[@michellewall6748]

Dear Katie..... well done! Set yourself free?... go and enjoy your life, narcissist free...... wonderful!

[@Shepherdmom]

I had to quit my Housekeeping job to get away from a narcissistic supervisor. Turnover rate was high because of him. When a new unsuspecting victim was hired, the narcissist would instantly degrade and put fear into them. It was like going to work at a nightmare twilight zone. I feel so much better now that I have escaped the insanity. Whew!

[@deliajones9541]

I left a work crew also for these reasons, God told me to not try to fix it, remove myself and he had something greater for me, and he did, I now earn 3$ an hour more doing work with a crew I can very well blend with! Liste to Him, he will tell you what to do!

[@wisconsinfarmer4742]

We can't hang onto housekeepers either. The supervisor will never say anything nice to her employees.

[@salliegallegos918]

I was housekeeping for free for a sibling who sounds like your supervisor. I walked and will never go back.

[@GullerudGallery]

Sometimes it isn't about vengeance sometimes it's simply about telling your truth

[@rwdchannel2901]

Fighting them is like saying "come dominate me more."

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Exactly

[@eugenemurray2940]

'Just because he likes it... Everyone must like it!'..

[@Henrycrun1959]

From experience (parents) I've found the only thing which will maintain your heart and your sanity is to remove yourself permanently from the people who have and will continue to do harm. The trick is not to feel like a horrible person for protecting yourself. A close friend put it best, saying - "how badly do you want to live your life?" That is the bottom. Am very grateful for these videos!

[@ACE-zo6st]

Sometimes removing oneself is impossible. When a narcissist marries your adult child, you are in a position to interact with the narcissist whether you want to or not. For me, there is no cutting off my adult child to avoid their spouse.

[@Henrycrun1959]

@@ACE-zo6st I fear you are quite right. What a tight corner to be in. Can only hope your adult child will come into their own. I wish you well.

[@thescapegoatclub]

@Henrycrun1959 Glad to hear you’re looking after you! 😀

[@TK-ij2xi]

Yes. And there's such a stigma to turning away from a parent but once we face it - it's the only way.

[@amandaliverpool3374]

Well put. And, good friend. Keep well 🙏

[@willyeverlearn7052]

The best revenge was to leave and move on to a happy life.

[@123raven4]

So in other words, let them think that they have won when the truth is that they didn't! God sees all!!

[@Theqwert202]

“The best revenge is to be unlike him who performed the injury.” ― Marcus Aurelius, Meditations

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Marcus knew what he was talking about.

[@kellygreene4117]

No contact was the best thing I ever did. My narc was a friend from college. She wanted to take control over my wedding, insisted she didnt like the colors, didnt like the venue etc. She wasnt even in my wedding party and was trying to tell me that she wouldnt look good in any of the brides mades dresses because it wasn't "her color" I just went no contact with her. She was frantic for a few days was calling leaving voice mails. i blocked her number and ceased contact with her completely. she had no other friends so she couldn't badmouth me to them or get other people involved. Its been 20 years now. Best thing I ever did only wish it was sooner.

[@phantomvampyressshadowkiss4690]

That's awesome! Glad you were able to get away from a bad person like that. God bless you 🙏

[@wisconsinfarmer4742]

my daughter-in-law dumped her narcbff over her wedding[to my son] in a similar script.

[@stephaniemccord6100]

Love your dog sleeping on the couch peacefully in the background. Everything you say is so true. Wish I had your sage advice 20 years ago. Could have saved me a lot of heartache. Had a very sad ending in that after I ended the relationship my narcissist drank himself to death.

[@fredderf3152]

Seems like a nice dog. I would like to pet the dog 🐕!

[@villasoka884]

Now is YOUR time to shine!

[@jonathansisneros9675]

I'm currently dealing with a narcissist. She is discarding me at the moment. She also went and filed a restraining order against me. I've been so frustrated trying to reach her heart to make her realize what she does and what she says hurts me and my kids. But no matter what approach I took, it never seemed to make any difference in my experience. It's better to just stay away from that person because no matter what you do and what you say, they're going to turn it against you and make you look like the bad person. The best revenge you can have on the narcissist is to not reflect their bad behavior back at them. Be a good person and walk away and live a life and try to heal from all the shit they put you through

[@eugenemurray2940]

I love The Alligator allegory! 'Don't wrestle with a pig... You will end up being covered in mud... & more importantly The pig will love it' George Bernard Shaw

[@KitKatLister]

The best (and only) checkmate move that you can make on a narcissist is cut them off cold turkey, never acknowledge their existence again (not even when you hear through the grapevine that they are attempting to slander your reputation by telling lies about you to people you mutually know)…. and then kicking ass in life without them. There is nothing more painful to them than seeing someone succeed - and live a far more amazing life without them than with them. And YOU have 100% control when you make this chess move. They have lost all power over you… you are like a ghost: they cannot see you, but they know you exist and without any form of response to their attempts to have you react, it drives them insane! And after long enough they realize that you are a strong person that they never managed to defeat… rather you just brushed them off and banished them from your existence…. And again, they watch you thriving and having the most amazing time in life without them… sweet justice.

[@josephcaldarera9901]

Narcissists break the law- when you can, you have to punish them with the full weight of the law...It does change them . And when you initiate an action- you have to follow all the way through with a narcissist.

[@AngelDiaz-lh5lj]

This is brilliant! So clear!! My own mother been exacting vengeance on me. I kept taking it. I kept trying t fix me to be acceptable to her. Siblings picked up her torch….took me over 60 years to understand and digest. Saw psychologists from college age on….None of them figured it out. And when I did begin unraveling it all around my Mid 50’s and and went to two psychologists explained my theory to two psychologists ….they COMPLETELY dismissed me. I always used to say to my self “you shouldn’t be so miserable nobody is beating you” 69 years old now and finally finally understand it all. But it still seems so weird that people could be so screwed up especially when the “people” are your “family”. Still sad….

[@ursamagickmt672]

What seems weird to me is how hard it is to find a therapist who understands what Narcissist Victim's Syndrome actually is. Can be such a waste of time and money. Thank goodness for the KZbin therapy battalion. Yes, my PhD gal had absolutely no clue. None! But she told me not to come HERE! This has been lifesaving.

[@lorenzo_bo]

that's true: narcissistic pathology is the hardest to spot. Only very trained psychiatrist or psy who had worked in hospitals or addiction/gambling centers know how to spot it. The difficulty is that in most cases the person shows subclinical signs that can be confused with a "stiff" personality (just a deviation from the normal). On top of that the pathology is "chamaleonic", meaning that it shows "as if" traits: their controlling behaviour looks "as if" was just discipline and so on. They try to mimic a perfect human being. The result is they focus on the over-reaction from the victim as it was they "inner" pathology. I strictly believe that cases like cronic broad anxiety, evitant disorder and borderline disorder, cronic broad depression are a reaction to an overextended period of dealing with one with a cronic narcissistic disorder. I'm a psy btw and I recall when working with drug addicted, we use to meet their parents too and 90% showed signs of big narcissistic traits.

[@lorenzo_bo]

@@ursamagickmt672 because NVS is not a defined syndrome according to the criterias used for the DSM-IV. Its traits are wider than the post traumatic stress disorder and can change over time. Most traits overlap with other disorders and people receive multiple diagnosis. Example: avoidant personality with anxiety traits and emotional disregulation or borderline personality with avoidant and anxiety traits. What they miss is that, whatever the symptoms, they are a REACTION, it's not the real personality but mostly a sort of false self built in order to dial with an abnormal person. It's a disorder similar to what people show when they join cults such as scientology, Jehovah witnesses, certain vegan clubs and so on.

[@bloodstripeleatherneck1941]

They are often dismissive because they are often narcissists themselves. Nothing like the overwhelming dread of realizing you're trying to explain something to someone who's supposed to be trying to help you, and they are just, "pretending" not to understand.

[@50shadesofgreyrock68]

@@bloodstripeleatherneck1941 Right!!! or those “therapists” who gaslight and like to starting crazy making conversations They discount the clients’ feelings by saying “you’re viewing the other person wrong” or “it’s not abuse”. 🙄. I went NO contact aftera relative flew into a rage and started yelling at me and said “I don’t want to have to think before I speak to you” like what?!?! I hung up the phone.

[@bam8039]

"I'm going to be anything but a mirror image of you!" Perfect statement! Thanks!

[@kashashaw79]

I have absolutely gone to the Bible for personal answers of what to do with the onslaught and progression of abuse. With much seeking and listening for the Lord.... Be of good cheer. And recently...For I the Lord thy God will hold thy right hand, saying unto thee, Fear not; I will help thee. And as God is more and more revealed, the abusers are more and more offended and offensive. A hard place to be beautiful or feel connection in, but I remain relieved that it is not MY authority or my job to force truth or love on anyone. My need to grow with those who walk rightly is strong, so I will continue striving to do just that.

[@deliajones9541]

Amen!!

[@wisconsinfarmer4742]

walking rightly,.... is walking away

[@Rain9Quinn]

They dont understand “empathy” & using words they dont understand will piss them off too!

[@l.5832]

There are times you need to fight back. Sister attempted to defraud me of an inheritance. I gave her several weeks to make it right, after which I told her it was time for me to call a lawyer. Within days got a settlement to avoid legal charges.

[@Mangoliveson]

I have the identical sister. She feels entitled to everything, and gets an evil satisfaction for scooping more for herself.

[@itahayes6165]

My mother bless her left me a few quid after she died, my narc sister had to hand it over to me, it nearly killed her. 🤣 very sad though, I’d love to have shared empathic moment about my beloved mother, fat chance of that.

[@anju8376]

My younger sister was horribly violent to me my whole life. Today is her 30th bday. She will never see me again and that’s my revenge.

[@greenleaf4770]

@@Mangoliveson I have a sister like that too, so totally understand you.

[@villasoka884]

Is funny how they forget your needs, until you put a deadline and it costs them! Not their urgency. Their urgencies aren't ours now!

[@jeepnj2502]

Worst thing you can do? Stop believing their lies and tell them theyre a liar. Its astounding how offended they can get over things that are perfectly true.

[@ellenlewis9860]

I wrestled that alligator for 40 years. I am so glad you are here to save others from this mistake.

[@arenee118]

This is really funny, but I was posting under my real name and someone came along and started pushing their opinion on me. She apparently didn't like how I handled my narcissist sister. When I looked back at the person's post, I noticed that they wrote and acted much like my narcissist sister. Then she slipped and I realized that it was my sister. I reported the harassment, but, also, closed that account. This is just a fine example of how a narcissist, whom you have been no contact with for over two years, will stalk you all over the place just to harass you.

[@Uberqueenbee]

Justice and revenge are not interchangeable.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Correct.

[@roxybrooks6937]

This is such a good session! Any vengeance sought onto a Narcissistic personality is only going to make the Narcissist turn around and say, "Look at what a horrible person he/she is!" Regardless of WHAT they did to exact that behavior from another, they will never take responsibility for their actions.

[@iys6890]

They are frauds and the worst are the covert narcissists. Sneaky.

[@Alice-fr1ef]

Do not play the games they try to push you into playing. Forget about what other people think. Keep your mind on who you are and take the higher road otherwise trying to defend yourself to others only keep you in the Narcissist's game. Do not lose yourself and who you are in these games they play. You do not have to play the games. After viewing Dr. Carter''s videos I have learned to not take part in any games and how to talk to them. He has really helped me to be me and enjoy what I had lost the ability to enjoy. No more door mats here.

[@stephaniemccord6100]

Glad you found yourself more worthy than your narcissist. Been there, done that, and bought the t-shirt.

[@raghavsadhu]

So looking forward to this. Completely move on, get your house in order, remember who you were before meeting them, a stronger you - all this have been told by many experts. Dr.Carter, tell something mind blowing and so subtle, and i shall abide by it the rest of my life

[@Blue-hf7xt]

My daughter who had a abusive narcissistic bf. Feels who she was prior was weak to allow the abuse. I remember her as kund happy and healthy. But with your message I think I will give her the message Remember who you truly are.

[@marmaladesunrise]

@@Blue-hf7xt That's because narcs see kindness as weakness & move in for the kill. But now your precious daughter has added discernment to her Arsenal. So she is way better prepared not to be played.

[@sunnydaye5942]

Unless you are born into it, you dont have a clue who you are "before".

[@Blue-hf7xt]

@@sunnydaye5942 there is a divine blue print, no one on earth has the power to destroy. Just need spiritual help healing to reconnect to it.

[@Blue-hf7xt]

@@marmaladesunrise true I prefer other words than arsenal. It makes it seem like always at war with the world.

[@andrewcarr3650]

So true, thank you. Do not become your enemy, you are better than they are. Walk away, you leave nothing behind you.

[@sunflower-oo1ff]

Well said!

[@calgreg2569]

Narcissists know fairness very loud and clear when things are not fair for them..

[@Faith-ko5eg]

Unfortunately if you’re in a relationship with a narcissist the only way to stay and not go crazy is learning to learn to just not have conversations. You stick with simple one word answers. No opinions thoughts or feelings. The good thing about this is that if you can stick with it over time you gain some strength, independence and you begin to see their patterns. You begin to drive them crazy because you are not giving them the fuel they need.

[@treelover1050]

FOR. ME THAT'S HARD TO STICK WITH. I WOULD SAVE MONEY AND LEAVE THEM SOON.

[@benk2755]

When you look into the abyss, the abyss also looks into you.

[@damariscampos8066]

And , when they don’t get their supply , they will find another victim !!! . I tried to adjust the the malignant narcissist husband , he left me 4 times and came back after living with other women. The last time he came just to take my money and destroy me and his own daughter.

[@colleenstrayer2917]

You are exactly right. So sad, you can’t share anything. He could argue about the weather, nothing is safe. Talk little, offer no information or opinions. And this is your “partner for life”.

[@earthcat]

Can confirm.

[@fredhubbard7210]

In short, "never wrestle with a pig... you get dirty, and besides the pig likes it." Moreover, the pig will beat you with experience. beyond even that, it will do things that you can't even imagine.

[@Kingdom_of_God777]

By chance did your uncle tell you that?

[@wisconsinfarmer4742]

@@Kingdom_of_God777 "well, i'll be a monkey's uncle!"

[@teresadvorak6145]

Got Bacon? 🐖 we are good eggs 🥚. 😅🤣😂

[@susans3996]

I've gone no contact with a narcissist family member for 4 years now. The person was talking to my dad recently and having a full blown tantrum about the no contact. Childish behavior.

[@MJ-qb5ph]

Good to hear!

[@teresadvorak6145]

😅🤣

[@jolesliewhitten6545]

Never tell them ahead of time, but plan quietly and run!

[@Chris-kz3jf]

There is a twinkle in their eye when they see you turning into them, then comes the victim, you are 100% correct! Your not as sick as they are and that’s why you will never win, exhausting and a waste of time.

[@wisconsinfarmer4742]

Wow, I noticed that too. Holy shit, that's evil.

[@CJLinOHIO]

Dealing with the narcissist is very tiring, just let them go, move on, be happy.

[@Canaday291]

I learned the miserable traumatized route that the only way to deal with the malignant narcissist alcoholic I divorced is only to respond Not react.. and eventually absolutely No contact

[@chestergloyd7530]

I’ve also seen narcissists leave you alone if you’re too argumentative with them. When they realize they can’t win, they walk away.

[@mlebrooks]

I think you don't have to do the worst thing. They are going to harm themselves without any help from you. Just take care of yourself. Value beauty and try to see as many sunsets and full moons and constellations as possible. Try to prioritize spending time with those whom you love and enjoy. Take care of your physical body by drinking water and sleeping every night. Dance like crazy to your favorite music Sing loud in the shower Send thank you cards Make a giant banana split with all the toppings this weekend Put glow in the dark stars on your wall Make chocolate chip cookies (you can buy some cookie dough okay to eat raw check the label)

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

I am so with you! Dr. C

[@Sophh33]

Dr c you are a sanity saver, and a light giver, Thankyou, honestly Thankyou 🙏💓

[@AlwaysStampinVideos]

THIS THIS THIS

[@THRASHMETALFUNRIFFS]

YEAGH!! FunList!

[@Florian78]

I'm on a keto diet but otherwise I agree.

[@MrZdvy]

I agree with all this. However, one of the reasons a person became a narcissist is because very few people, if any at all, simply said NO to them.

[@KS-dx5ln]

That is another reason. I was with one who was a grown 56yr. Old man. His parent's never disciplined him as a child or had many boundaries. When a person grows up with little boundaries from parent's and not being held accountable for bad behaviors when they are a child/teen they walk all over others.

[@teresadvorak6145]

Yeah, people will do just about anything to shut these evil ones up. Tantrums & threats is one of the many ways they operate

[@SorellaSotero]

An especially bad scenario is when you start a new job and get put under a narcissist, whether they are formally your boss or you are just the newbie on the team who is supposed to learn from and work harmoniously with the narcissist. My advice is to run screaming from this scenario. Often they have convinced people they are the experts, and if you are new to a company, they will likely have some advantage over you just from that. Most likely, information you need to be given in order to fit in to the company will be withheld, if the narcissist is charged with helping you onboard. You may even be given wrong information. If you make a mistake, however innocent, the narcissist will make sure the boss knows. If you do well, it will be minimized, hidden, or the narcissist will grab credit for it. They are masters at convincing their higher-ups that they are valuable experts, above others in value.

[@ponytail911]

Like Dr. C says, “Know who you are.” That’s my guess! ❤️

[@dawgmaw]

You will NEVER EVEREVEREVER WIN over the narcissist. Sometimes they can even continue winning even after they die, depending on how you deal with the ruination they left behind.

[@maggiec8756]

Boy this one hit home especially when he said narcissists are devoid of love. In my heat I knew this but this confirmation struck me with lightening. At my age it's difficult to think about starting over yet again.

[@bronco679]

Maggie, I feel you. It really hurts when we have a few years left and we know that people we care so much about do not give a damn about us and never have and never will. It is a bitter pill to swallow this late in life, but there will never be any complete healing or closure or escape from this heartbreak, we can only endure it with spiritual help and comfort. God bless you , Jim

[@jenniferannfox2316]

it did me too. Its hard to accept it sometimes but it is truth.

[@villasoka884]

You deserved better!

[@mfrmorrobay]

Revenge? Bail out! Without you to brutalize, their mind will eat itself.

[@johnnolan6777]

'live a life of integrity, that's something a narcissist can not duplicate' - what a great ending, thank you. don't feed the alligators ! Dam I wish I had this advise years and years ago, ah well.

[@SurvivingNarcissism]

Today is a new day!

[@christyassid8871]

I have no desire for revenge. What I do want, is to clear my name of the lies, which have been told about me, to family and friends, and former classmates and neighbors. However, since I've been this individual's scapegoat for fifty, some years, I'm sure the lies continue to be told. At one time, I did want revenge. Then I realized that revenge didn't even the score, and, instead of giving me a feeling of satisfaction, made me feel like a heel.

[@hissyfitz7890]

There is a difference between ‘exacting revenge’ & presenting reality. I have found that simply stating undeniable reality leaves them flummoxed & they will choose to rage, discard, or whatever else they want which is fine by me.

[@mrsqueakthecat.8061]

Yep, The best revenge is in getting them to expose themselves to those they least want seeing them for what they are. I'm in a legal battle with one right now and as a defense, I have done nothing but make them expose themselves for what they are and want which is absolute control at all costs. What's so bizarre is they seem to think that they can out lie things like public records, their own bank statements, photos and videos that show what they are claiming is literally not real and so on. The latest claim is they don't like looking at my place 'because it's right out their front door and across the road from them'. (Their claim.) The reality is their house is facing away from my place and about half a mile away plus behind a large set of hills and my place is surrounded by a wooded area with zero line of sight between us and is barely visible from the road that is about midway between us too. (Their lawyer seems to be becoming less and less amused as this plays out.)

[@mrsqueakthecat.8061]

Interesting that my main post here is being ghosted by YT.

[@lawrencefeldman7744]

I politely allow various moments of truth in my conversations to show these people in a not so subtle way that they are not being their truest most authentic selves.

[@hissyfitz7890]

@@lawrencefeldman7744 - An authentic self? None that I have known.

[@deliajones9541]

Yes they do. I'm straight forward anyway, so I just state the facts and shes flabbergasted and tries something else that didn't work on me. Now I'm no contact with her period as she's not worth my time.

[@anneknight3875]

Thank you, I used to feel guilty for making a point of not contacting a relative who I now realize is a narcissist. She has a very unhappy life and wants to make everyone else as unhappy as she is.

[@bullkitty]

I agree 98%. However, as with all bullies, it helps to at least to: one time, let them know in direct, unemotional, factual ways, that you won’t be bullied. It can at least deter some of them.

[@gailkshaw]

Best way to achieve that is to remain calm and not get sucked into their narcissistic aggressive anger. However the result will be an escalation of their anger so one must remove oneself from the caustic environment, if only until the anger dissipates.

[@God4all777]

When I am finally burst in flames against him, after being picked on, ridiculed, criticized, called names all day for no reason, he just can’t hold the enjoyable smile!