The Would'ves, Should'ves, Could'ves of Grief

[@elintilia2790]

This video is 13 years old but gave me what I needed to hear.

[@SweettoothMarie77]

Me too!

[@SweettoothMarie77]

Me too!

[@grief-heals]

Glad it helped. I've been gone for a while but I'm back. New videos are on the way. Let me know what topics would help you.

[@SweettoothMarie77]

@@grief-heals oh so glad you're back and that you're going to make more videos. My question is, how do we handle the triggers that take us back to the emptiness we felt after losing our loved ones?

[@grief-heals]

So I not just shooting in the dark here, can you give me more info on exactly what's happening? Like who died, how long ago, when you get triggered how long does the emptiness last, that sort of thing. If it's too personal to share here, feel free to send it to me via my contact form. www.griefheals.com/contact

[@truelily7]

Even though I was husband's caregiver for years and went to every medical appointment, waited hours in ER, and spend days on end sitting in hospital and spending the night and we said I love you everyday, I still wish I had done better. Yes, we are only human.

[@idk-ch7hj]

Nothing really kicks in until someone dies. You begin to think... I should’ve visited them more, I could’ve helped them some more, I would’ve done this if I knew-. It’s too late now, I have to deal with the regret and grief about the things I didn’t do but it’s a part of life and there’s no going back in time to change stuff. The only thing you can do is do it for other people.

[@meegz149]

@idk-ch7hj Wow, you had to deal with all that 5 years ago and I was blissfully ignorant to the mental tole caregiving would have on me. I hope you came through alright.

[@idk-ch7hj]

@@meegz149 i was dealing with the loss of a grandparent and a dog who i spent majority of my childhood with, i can't believe it's been so long already. caregiving is a hard job especially for a family member, i have been a care assistant in a residential living it's difficult but rewarding... be kind to yourself :)

[@Happiness11100]

I was the main caregiver for my mother when she passed away and the guilt is just incredible. I cannot stop beating myself up and going over things both before and after she died.

[@monicagonzales2024]

She'd want you to let that regret go. ❤

[@kelleymcfadden9675]

Please allow me to share my best friend's story with you. This family knows where to turn in times of grief. Family Story Little did our family of six know that Friday evening, September 24th, 2021, would be the last night our family would be complete. We laughed together, played games, sang, and enjoyed listening as our 16-year-old son, Ethan, played the piano for us. I packed a lunch for Ethan for a church mountain hike he was going on the following day. My mother (who was visiting from out of state) and I woke early with Ethan on Saturday morning. He hugged me and smiled, never pulling away or rushing me. He got in the car, waved, said he'd see me later and he loved me. It was hard to watch my "new driver" heading out on his own that morning. As Ethan pulled out of the gate, I turned to my mother and said, "It's just so hard letting go." Little did I know how much "letting go" I was really doing. That was the last time I saw Ethan. He did not make it home that evening. That afternoon, a friend tried to contact my husband, leaving an urgent message to call him back. He tried several times to return the call to no avail. As we were preparing supper, an overwhelming feeling of deep concern for Ethan filled my heart. I quietly blinked back tears. I glanced out the window, half expecting to see a police officer pull up to the house, but no one arrived. However, within a few minutes, a patrol car DID pull into the driveway. In my heart, I feared the worst. My husband and I went out to meet the officer, who confirmed our fears. Hesitantly, he told us our son had fallen off of a bluff and had succumbed to his injuries. Our hearts were crushed; they still are. Yet, in all of our brokenness, deep, continual grief and loneliness, our family has such a blessed Hope and assurance that we will see our dear son and brother again. You see, when Ethan was a young boy, he was saved; he put his faith in Jesus alone to forgive his sins and to take him to Heaven when he died. He realized some very important truths from the Bible that he would want to share with you. His Story Everyone is a sinner. Sin is any violation of God’s Law. God is holy, just and righteous, and He cannot allow sin in His presence. Ethan realized that he - like all of us - had sinned; and his sin separated Him from God. “For all have sinned, and come short of the glory of God; ” (Romans 3:23) “Wherefore, as by one man sin entered into the world, and death by sin; and so death passed upon all men, for that all have sinned:” (Romans 5:12) He understood that, because of his sin, he deserved to spend eternity in Hell. “For the wages of sin is death;” (Romans 6:23a) [Wages: price] “But the fearful, and unbelieving, and the abominable, and murderers, and whoremongers, and sorcerers, and idolaters, and all liars, shall have their part in the lake which burneth with fire and brimstone: which is the second death.” (Revelation 21:8) Ethan believed that Jesus, God’s Son, paid the price for all sin when He died on the cross - because His sinless sacrifice was the only thing that could satisfy the just demands of a righteous, holy God. Jesus was buried in a borrowed tomb, but He arose the third day, triumphant over sin, death, and Hell. Jesus is alive today! “For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life.” (John 3:16) “For by grace are ye saved through faith; and that not of yourselves: it is the gift of God: Not of works, lest any man should boast.” (Ephesians 2:8-9) Ethan was sorry for his sin, repented (turned), and received by faith the free gift that God offered to him. “For whosoever shall call upon the name of the Lord shall be saved.” (Romans 10:13) “...but the gift of God is eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord.” (Romans 6:23b) Because of this great salvation, Ethan lived his life serving Jesus. He worked hard to spread this Good News to the world. He is alive in Heaven with Jesus today; and because of this great HOPE in Christ, we know we will see him again soon - not because he was a great kid, but because of his faith in the great Saviour! “And I give unto them eternal life; and they shall never perish, neither shall any man pluck them out of my hand.” (John 10:28) Your Story What about you? What if you had fallen to your death that day - What if you were to die today? Where will you spend eternity - Heaven or the Lake of Fire? There will not be any parties in the Lake of Fire. It is a place of eternal torment for those who reject God's Son. The Word of God is very clear that there is only One Way to Heaven. “Jesus saith unto him, I am the way, the truth, and the life: no man cometh unto the Father, but by me.” (John 14:6) We did not know that Ethan would step into eternity that day; however, because he put his faith in Jesus alone for his salvation, Ethan was ready to go. Some day - perhaps today - you will take your last breath here on earth, and you will step into eternity. Where you spend eternity is determined by what you do with Jesus Christ. Will you accept Him or reject Him? You are not promised another day or another breath. Eternity begins soon - Are you ready? “...Believe on the Lord Jesus Christ, and thou shalt be saved…” (Acts 16:31b) “For whosoever shall call upon the name of the Lord shall be saved.” (Romans 10:13) “(...behold, now is the day of salvation.)” (2 Corinthians 6:2c) ****************************** This testimony has been made into a tract form as well, so if you or your church are interested in having them to pass out, please go to libertyfaith.net and you will find the contact info there. God bless! Tribute to Ethan Lakey kzbin.info/www/bejne/e5nSk5aHj5uEmJo

[@SweettoothMarie77]

I feel the exact sameway @Happiness. You've said it all!💕

[@Happiness11100]

@@monicagonzales2024 I know, I really do, its just hard. Thx for thr kind words

[@meegz149]

I am just starting to begin my regret journey now.

[@isaacasimov5553]

I could say these things to myself an infinite number of times and yet the soft voice from a completely loving stranger, is truly magic.

[@taishahaywood9102]

My mother passed because I was shut and couldn’t do cpr!! She just passed a month today. Am truly broken and consumed with what happened and could of, should’ve and would’ve!! I literally feel my heart in my chest breaking

[@healthfitnessbysuman6602]

Stay Strong dear.. You did everything you could that time.. don't be in guilt.. Please take care of yourself 🙏 Something's are beyond control in life..

[@truelily7]

So sorry for your loss. My personal belief is that we choose how we will die before coming into this life in our life plan. If true, your Mom chose this way and time to pass. At any rate I hope you will cut yourself slack on this. Everyone can't know CPR. And we never imagine we will be in such a situation. Peace to you.

[@kelleymcfadden9675]

Please allow me to share my best friend's story with you. This family knows where to turn in times of grief. Family Story Little did our family of six know that Friday evening, September 24th, 2021, would be the last night our family would be complete. We laughed together, played games, sang, and enjoyed listening as our 16-year-old son, Ethan, played the piano for us. I packed a lunch for Ethan for a church mountain hike he was going on the following day. My mother (who was visiting from out of state) and I woke early with Ethan on Saturday morning. He hugged me and smiled, never pulling away or rushing me. He got in the car, waved, said he'd see me later and he loved me. It was hard to watch my "new driver" heading out on his own that morning. As Ethan pulled out of the gate, I turned to my mother and said, "It's just so hard letting go." Little did I know how much "letting go" I was really doing. That was the last time I saw Ethan. He did not make it home that evening. That afternoon, a friend tried to contact my husband, leaving an urgent message to call him back. He tried several times to return the call to no avail. As we were preparing supper, an overwhelming feeling of deep concern for Ethan filled my heart. I quietly blinked back tears. I glanced out the window, half expecting to see a police officer pull up to the house, but no one arrived. However, within a few minutes, a patrol car DID pull into the driveway. In my heart, I feared the worst. My husband and I went out to meet the officer, who confirmed our fears. Hesitantly, he told us our son had fallen off of a bluff and had succumbed to his injuries. Our hearts were crushed; they still are. Yet, in all of our brokenness, deep, continual grief and loneliness, our family has such a blessed Hope and assurance that we will see our dear son and brother again. You see, when Ethan was a young boy, he was saved; he put his faith in Jesus alone to forgive his sins and to take him to Heaven when he died. He realized some very important truths from the Bible that he would want to share with you. His Story Everyone is a sinner. Sin is any violation of God’s Law. God is holy, just and righteous, and He cannot allow sin in His presence. Ethan realized that he - like all of us - had sinned; and his sin separated Him from God. “For all have sinned, and come short of the glory of God; ” (Romans 3:23) “Wherefore, as by one man sin entered into the world, and death by sin; and so death passed upon all men, for that all have sinned:” (Romans 5:12) He understood that, because of his sin, he deserved to spend eternity in Hell. “For the wages of sin is death;” (Romans 6:23a) [Wages: price] “But the fearful, and unbelieving, and the abominable, and murderers, and whoremongers, and sorcerers, and idolaters, and all liars, shall have their part in the lake which burneth with fire and brimstone: which is the second death.” (Revelation 21:8) Ethan believed that Jesus, God’s Son, paid the price for all sin when He died on the cross - because His sinless sacrifice was the only thing that could satisfy the just demands of a righteous, holy God. Jesus was buried in a borrowed tomb, but He arose the third day, triumphant over sin, death, and Hell. Jesus is alive today! “For God so loved the world, that he gave his only begotten Son, that whosoever believeth in him should not perish, but have everlasting life.” (John 3:16) “For by grace are ye saved through faith; and that not of yourselves: it is the gift of God: Not of works, lest any man should boast.” (Ephesians 2:8-9) Ethan was sorry for his sin, repented (turned), and received by faith the free gift that God offered to him. “For whosoever shall call upon the name of the Lord shall be saved.” (Romans 10:13) “...but the gift of God is eternal life through Jesus Christ our Lord.” (Romans 6:23b) Because of this great salvation, Ethan lived his life serving Jesus. He worked hard to spread this Good News to the world. He is alive in Heaven with Jesus today; and because of this great HOPE in Christ, we know we will see him again soon - not because he was a great kid, but because of his faith in the great Saviour! “And I give unto them eternal life; and they shall never perish, neither shall any man pluck them out of my hand.” (John 10:28) Your Story What about you? What if you had fallen to your death that day - What if you were to die today? Where will you spend eternity - Heaven or the Lake of Fire? There will not be any parties in the Lake of Fire. It is a place of eternal torment for those who reject God's Son. The Word of God is very clear that there is only One Way to Heaven. “Jesus saith unto him, I am the way, the truth, and the life: no man cometh unto the Father, but by me.” (John 14:6) We did not know that Ethan would step into eternity that day; however, because he put his faith in Jesus alone for his salvation, Ethan was ready to go. Some day - perhaps today - you will take your last breath here on earth, and you will step into eternity. Where you spend eternity is determined by what you do with Jesus Christ. Will you accept Him or reject Him? You are not promised another day or another breath. Eternity begins soon - Are you ready? “...Believe on the Lord Jesus Christ, and thou shalt be saved…” (Acts 16:31b) “For whosoever shall call upon the name of the Lord shall be saved.” (Romans 10:13) “(...behold, now is the day of salvation.)” (2 Corinthians 6:2c) ****************************** This testimony has been made into a tract form as well, so if you or your church are interested in having them to pass out, please go to libertyfaith.net and you will find the contact info there. God bless! Tribute to Ethan Lakey kzbin.info/www/bejne/e5nSk5aHj5uEmJo

[@CristinaPerez-ib2uu]

My mother died of covid19 five weeks ago. I am dealing with immense grief and guilt because I could have done a lot more for her. Your short, powerful message has really helped me. Thank you.

[@monibstar]

Really sorry for you loss, may ur mother's soul rest in eternal peace in God's place 😢 and my father also passed away because of Covid-19 second wave 😢 and im also suffering from grief and guilt, because i wish i could have taken him to the hospital or for a health check up with a doctor a couple of days before while he was staying in isolation for a week then may be he could have been saved. Even though later we did take him to the hospital when it got difficult for him to breathe, things happened so quickly and his health degraded so quickly 1 n half days in general ward and after 6 and half days in the hospital, icu n ventilator 🏥 he passed away 😢 may my father's soul rest in eternal peace in God's place 🙏💐🕯

[@CristinaPerez-ib2uu]

@@monibstar thank you for your words. I am very sorry about your father's passing too. Please don't feel guilty. I know it's easy to say and look who's talking, but you have absolutely nothing to feel guilty about. You did your best, what you thought was the best at the time, and as humans this is all we can do, we don't have the power to know the outcome beforehand. Besides, this is how it was for all covid patients. Only those who were really really nada were taken to overcrowded hospitals, and the rest had to stay at home. Nobody could know, everybody did their best. Take care of yourself and your family, this is what your father would have wanted. And he knew or knows how much you love him, your words show it.

[@monibstar]

@@CristinaPerez-ib2uu thank you for your kind words too 🙏 and yes he would have wanted me to take care of my health, he always kept saying so when he was alive too 😮 now taking care of my family is added and yes i love him so much and i knew he loved me so much too ♥

[@monibstar]

@@CristinaPerez-ib2uu and u too take care or urself and ur family 🙏 God bless all of us 💐 🕯

[@CristinaPerez-ib2uu]

@@monibstar the same to you and your family!

[@hannahzucker]

If only i could

[@ka5269]

It's crushing me.......

[@DanyLove48]

Me too

[@kimberlyobrien5269]

Thank you, Susan, for posting this powerful message for those struggling with guilt while grieving the loss of a loved one. Surprisingly, there are so few relevant published resources on the phenomenon of guilt during bereavement. I have read many books and articles on coping with grief that gloss over this subject. My mother died of cancer at a young age just over a year ago, and I still grapple somewhat obsessively with the would’ves, should’ves, and could’ves. There are things that I should have said and done differently, both while she was ill and while she was healthy. I was there for my mother throughout her devastating illness, yet I can’t help but beat myself up over not being the *perfect* caregiver. These words in your video especially resonated with me: “We look back on those things and judge them by a superhuman standard. The fact of the matter is that we’re human beings, that we have limitations, we make mistakes. Often we’re functioning with limited emotional and physical reserves.” The comforting advice and reassurances in this video are just what I needed to hear at this time. I’ll be ordering the Kindle edition of "How to Survive Your Grief When Someone You Love Has Died."

[@NicolettenNnicotine]

You took the words right out of my mouth! Same situation exactly

[@neematm8266]

My father passed away last year and I felt guilty after he died and after a while that feeling went away but now after a year I feel the guit has intensified and I don't know how to cope with it. Thank you for your kind words

[@timblock3483]

Spot on. Guilt is paralyzing.

[@ptezso]

Well said. Especially the "you dont need to add that burden to the loss you are already experiencing". I think that happens inevitably. And as things pile, the burden can seem impossible to handle if dealing with guilt. I think this sentence already helps, if you are in the mindset that 'my suffering is justified and deserved'. Atleast ease on yourself by removing the your own judgement and deal with the loss itself first.

[@innab1603]

Thank you for your video. Very nicely said. It’s just what I needed to hear. After losing my daughter 2.5 years ago, i am drowning in grief and guilt. My only child. Forever 23. 💔🙏

[@melindajordan9343]

I’m so sorry for the loss of your daughter at such a young age. 💔

[@innab1603]

💔

[@melindajordan9343]

I just lost my 21 year old son on Sept 10th … tomorrow will be 8 weeks. God help each of us dealing with this type of loss and grief. 💔

[@BUBBLESPOGO]

Awww😢 please forgive yourself and choose to be happy. You'll always have your daughter in your heart. No one can take that from you. Spring is here, choose to listen to the symphony of the morning songs and the evening finale. Feel the warmth of the sun on your face and body. Look at the beautiful blue sky. Continue to.move forward dear. Don't choose to live in agony but be happy and appreciate life. I'm sure your daughter would not want you to suffer continuously. She will never leave you because she will always be in your heart. May God Continue to comfort you.

[@BUBBLESPOGO]

​@Melinda Jordan I'm crying for you Melinda. Please choose to move forward with your grief and eventually there's of the sun with start beaming through the dark cl

[@suzycrash]

I was my mother’s caregiver for the last 2 years before her death. We weee always proactive as she was a retired nurse and I also worked in healthcare. We knew something was wrong even though we went to appointments only to be told they couldn’t find anything. She was hospitalized for 3 days and sent home. 3 months later and in horrible pain we were told she has end stage cancer. 3-4 weeks to live. I feel they failed her and me and the excuse was that type of cancer is hard to diagnose. I am glad she is at peace but so angry at them for misdiagnosing earlier and at least she wouldn’t have been in pain for those months.

[@grief-heals]

I'm so sorry. How long ago did you mother die? Sounds like it's recent. Anger at the doctors is pretty common (for good reason). She was lucky to have you to take care of her.

[@makyeebon]

all day every day...trying to make these thoughts stop. Thanks.

[@MORCOPOLO0817]

My mother recently passed away. Granted my mother had a lot of health issues, But I used to get in to political arguments with my brother. And this would stress her out. One time I could not bite my tongue and swallow my pride and I had to respond back and add a few oppinions. The timing was right there when she started decliining. She was having trouble sleeping and her blood pressure was out of control. I can't help but think that if I had just swallowed my pride, she would not have declined like that. I took for granted that time was limited. I should have swallowed my pride for her sake.

[@dawncordero7760]

Thank you so much for this video. I think a lot of people need to take heed in what you’re saying here. I am fortunate that this does not apply to me in my husband’s sudden death, but I know a lot of people that don’t carry that emotional baggage with them on top of the grief and that can be overwhelming. 🙏❤️

[@klanderkal]

Grief isn't only from loss of a loved one. It can be from loosing your dream career job also. After decades of the best job i could ever have.. to loose it foolishly the way i did,. totally devastated me. My job was me. It gave me confidence in all aspects of my being. I have severe depression, anxiety, insomnia now. The life in me has gone. Its horrible to live with grief. Life has no meaning to me anymore.

[@catzeyes33]

Thank you for this, I really needed to hear these words.

[@rafaelsolorzano700]

I always feel guilty that I would have gone to seen him a couple of weeks or months before he passed..

[@grief-heals]

Lots of people experience this one. It's really important to remember you did the best you could with what you knew at the time.

[@rafaelsolorzano700]

@SurvivingGrief This guilt feeling won't go away ,is it a daily challenge?

[@grief-heals]

@@rafaelsolorzano700 I'm not sure how much you want to talk about here but how long has it been since he died?

[@rafaelsolorzano700]

@@grief-heals October of last year.

[@grief-heals]

@@rafaelsolorzano700 I know it probably feels like it's never going to stop but 6-7 months isn't very long for dealing with guilt. Has it changed at all in that time...even a tiny little bit?

[@inglesintensivocomfrases1629]

Thank you so much for this video ❤

[@db7408]

Thank you so much for this. ‘To do anything else is just mean’ really made something finally click, helping me somewhat let go of self-judgement and blame. It’s a start and I am hopeful. Thank you 🙏🏽

[@griefheals1805]

You are very welcome. Glad it helped.

[@deborahmodzelewski9246]

Your message helped me more than anything I've heard so far. Thank you so much

[@grief-heals]

I'm so glad. Thanks for letting me know.

[@robjohn2478]

Thanks, your video helped with my grief.

[@earthgirl7267]

Thank you for this...

[@Fr39511]

Thank you for this! God bless you!

[@genevievebarcenasmatahumramile]

Thank you.

[@griefheals1805]

You're welcome

[@elizabethmwanza96]

Thank you for this

[@meegz149]

Only 14k views in 13 years? I guess there are fewer care takers than they say? Or maybes it’s just people who took care of a loved one solo who need this. I can’t believe all the guilt and shame I feel. I just got done collecting pictures for my mom’s funeral and I ended up having to call 988.

[@johnpage6339]

Thank you

[@mummabearcuddles7956]

He didn’t should’ve wouldn’t couldn’t So he left earth 2018 ....🥺

[@applebottomjeans7]

This helped alot

[@NarcFreeFormula]

Thanks this helped.

[@atomic_poppy]

I sure miss your videos