The REAL Reason You Were Ghosted & What to Do

The REAL Reason You Were Ghosted & What to Do | Ask Thais

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Thais Gibson - Personal Development School

Күн бұрын

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@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool 7 ай бұрын

Have you been ghosted before? What stories were you telling yourself about the situation?

@katenicholson4152 7 ай бұрын

That I wasn’t worth responding to, that the person never cared, and that they don’t respect me.

@aquababe7 7 ай бұрын

I have been ghosted a lot. I knew I was the common denomenator so I tried to figure out what the pattern was. The earlier relationships I could see how there were things I would have done differently but I did a lot of healing work and figured out my attachment style and developed more effective communication skills to show up in a more secure way in future relationships. However, the ghosting still continued, and it would be further on into a relationship too ie. after a year or multiple years even. It seems to be when people are particularly intimate (emotionally) with me and when things are going particularly well (and this feeling would be shared and expressed by the other person too). Then poof, they ghost seemingly out of nowhere. I've leaned a lot in these experiences and have communicated frequently throughout these relationships to check in about how they feel in the relationship and if there are any boundaries on unmet needs they'd like to express. They would say no and things are going great. So looking back, I have taken ownership for my part but I can't force someone to show up if they are unwilling to. After learning more about fearful avoidant attachment styles, I believe that is the attachment style I tend to attract. People say they feel very seen and understood and loved by me, which is great, but I think sometimes people are afraid of being seen so deeply and loved, it's very confronting and vulnerable. So I honestly think that is what has been the driving force behind the ghosting that has happened in my life, as I have given people time and space and respected their boundaries that they have expressed. One other thing might be that they didn't respect their own boundaries and needs or even knew they had them, and didn't know what to do other than disconnect from me. At the end of the day, I am doing my best. Just because someone ghosts me, it doesn't mean I'm unlovable or did something 'wrong'. Relationships are challenging and both parties need to be willing to show up for themselves and each other in order to have a secure and healthy relationship. I will continue learning and growing in this life, there are always lessons to learn in each relationship. I wish you all the best in your healing journeys.

@blckstr_canuckles 7 ай бұрын

That I did something wrong, or even worse that I was not enough or defective in some way. Although, Thais- I’m seeing a stronger opinion in these last videos and webinars from you. I get the feeling more and more your view is that if they don’t show up for you and aren’t putting in the work, don’t give them anymore of your time, move on. Am I wrong?

@VenusianStarseed 7 ай бұрын

I recently started dating someone with ADHD and Autism and because I didn’t know it it felt like they were ghosting me but it really was a problem with object permeance and memory

@GeoffreyAngapa 7 ай бұрын

If you've been ghosted, or worse, gone through the infamous slow fade, don't sweat it: you've been dealing with someone who is a teenager in a grown-up body.

@confessionsofanavoidant 7 ай бұрын

ironically that answer is quite "teenager" in terms of nuanced thinking. for all you know, the person who ghosted her was getting incessant, clingy texts, or was on the receiving end of constant emotional dumping, or texts communicating way too soon about the future, or on the opposite end of judgmental or critical texts, and they tried to slow things down to no avail, and felt like ghosting was the only option--or, like totally mature human beings, they felt too uncomfortable saying to the other person that they're annoyed and turned off by them. there's two sides to every story

@GeoffreyAngapa 7 ай бұрын

@@confessionsofanavoidant You're right it was teenage-like, and thanks for pointing it out. I agree there's two sides to every story, and those problems need to be dealt with. The thing is, ghosting and the slow fade are hurtful. While it might be uncomfortable talking about what's wrong in a relationship, being frank is better than fading away into nothingness. With frankness, the pain is short for long-term benefit. With ghosting, the relief is unilateral, the pain is long, and one never truly understands what happened. Certainly, not a nice thing to do. Being mature means facing uncomfortable things.

@JacobCarlson-uq1my 7 ай бұрын

@GeoffreyAngapa Thank you Brother! I f----- love you for this response. I absolutely agree with you. ❤☮️☀️🚶‍➡️

@mesCheerios 7 ай бұрын

thais is a master at nuance. You will notice she mentioned in this video to check in with yourself, if this person ghosted you then "can this person actually meet your standards?" I guess it sounded too insulting to you calling the ghosting person a teenager though, i get it like theres no need to vilify others for their weaknesses to make ourselves feel better though we have that natural urge, it's more healing to have understanding about incompatibility, fear etc. And actually a lot of teenagers are more thoughtful and considerate than adults in this way!

@GeoffreyAngapa 7 ай бұрын

@@mesCheerios I admit it was exaggerated, and not precise, to use the term teenager, and indeed, teenagers are often more considerate, caring, and mature than "adults." I believe that ghosting is wrong and not a decent thing to do, and there's a lack of true maturity involved, in many cases.

@hayleyle7063 7 ай бұрын

I was in a commited long distance relationship for 8 months and suddenly got ghosted. I didn't give it any meaning. Naturally I was confused, desperate to know the answer. Eventually I gave myself my own closure. Not dating ever since but I'm moving forward.

@deeholmes9743 7 ай бұрын

" Rejection is God's protection". The person is showing you they can't show up for you the way you want them to. Let it be.

@mrstoner2udude799 7 ай бұрын

I just experienced this. It was hurtful. But now its a growth opportunity that has been good for me. The longing I developed pointed to my attachment traumas that I needed to be aware of. Hint: You did NOTHING wrong. The way you think/story about your feelings is not accurate. Just because you feel them, does not make the thought associated with them accurate. We are lovable and worthy of a healthy relationship with an available, dependable person.

@waterlilynymph 7 ай бұрын

After being ghosted and they all coming back after weeks or months, ghosting is just a form of keeping things open. It’s unfair, but it’s what the person can do at the time. They are unready but do want to keep you as a possibility so instead of ending things they ghost to keep it open as a maybe for the future. It’s actually not abandonment if they do come back. These experiences have helped me become more secure in who I am as I just smile now and say “they will be back when they are ready.” And sure enough they are. But you truly just need to focus on yourself like Thais says, and let them do whatever they have to do and go through before starting something new or choosing definitely to end it with you. Avoidants ghost to avoid confrontation or their/your emotions. We who are more secure emotionally could learn compassion in these moments for those who don’t have access to their emotions or love so freely and openly.

@sifublack192 7 ай бұрын

If you're being ghosted in the early stages of getting to know someone, I wouldn't take it too personal. I've learned that you never know what someone is going through, despite how easy it is to blame yourself. They could be in bad terms with their partner, just getting out of a relationship, or in a situationship and can't get the other person to commit. Just charge them to the game and look for someone else who's interested in you. When I approach a woman for example, I always ASSUME there's somebody else in the picture. Whether that person is an ex, another man she's interested in, or a situationship, I make a mental note from the start. Even if I get the number and we start talking, I continue to meet and see other women as I get to know her, knowing she can walk away at any time. The best thing you can do is let them come to you at THEIR pace and decide if they want a relationship with you. If they choose someone else or ghost you, just walk away and don't look back. They just weren't interested in having a relationship with you and that's okay.

@chrismaxwell1624 7 ай бұрын

Have a friend of mine got ghosted by a guy. Turned out though he died in car accident. They met couple time but really know much each other lives yet. She had not met any of his friend or family yet, too early in dating stage. She never found out till weeks later. The whole time she thought she did something wrong. Then finding out he died was quite the shock. I'd say that definitely wasn't her fault. Just pointing out it's not all about you when you get ghosted.

@audtasticgirl 7 ай бұрын

ewww. Hit a nerve. I was ghosted after an almost 6 month situationship. I'm really trying to use it as a way to work on myself. I am a healing fearful avoidant so my subconscious did creep in there and likely hurt him BUT he was also doing the push-pull too. Anywho, it was the best opportunity to see my own patterns (though I don't ghost people). So, lesson learned. Tightening boundaries and working on my own FA tendencies.

@jerrodplummer6850 7 ай бұрын

I've only ever ghosted people who crossed my boundaries and never apologized or made attempts to make it right. I wont have relationships with people who consistently taken advantage of me and got offended when I asked them for something in return.

@spiritwanderer777 7 ай бұрын

yeah, i hear you. i did it recently to my ex who treated me like trash and then had a nerve to call me abusive for pointing it out.

@jerrodplummer6850 7 ай бұрын

@spiritwanderer777 Most people try in every relationship to give the other person what they want for them, but no one can see how to give both people what they actually need without help from everyone else. I know the harsh words hurt when you're trying to express that you were unsatisfied, but maybe that is why they are also frustrated. It's unfortunate that when things are going poorly in life, we can't seem not to blame the people close to us. I think we all carry a lot of guilt in the fact that we're not on speaking terms with a lot of our exes as well as the friends and family we have lost along the way, and so we continue to deny ourselves and others from having the connections we want with the people we care about.

@spiritwanderer777 7 ай бұрын

@@jerrodplummer6850 in a typical relationship i would agree with you 100%, but this was far from normal. every time i was loving, kind, affectionate etc. building intimacy... my ex would push me away and distance herself or say something to damage it and only return to her happy self when I pulled away. Try doing this for 2 years with zero knowledge of attachment types. It was madness. I will never ever allow an avoidant type to even be my friend, let them torture other people.

@jerrodplummer6850 7 ай бұрын

@@spiritwanderer777 I completely understand. I've been kicked out of school and threatened with restraining orders by people who did nothing but ask me for things. I helped them out only to find they were putting me down behind my back and acting delusional, like I was the abuser, when I told them had nothing left to give because of them.

@teenoush7489 7 ай бұрын

Ain't that the truth 🙌🏼

@estherclark820 7 ай бұрын

I had a very close friend for several years. When both of us were going through some separate difficult family dysfunction, I became a little too needy and was reaching out to her when it would have been the worst time for her to be there for me. I blamed myself for a long time that she stopped responding to me. I don't think either of "did anything wrong", we were neither one able to be present for the other just then. I miss my friend very much. It's been 3 or 4 years now. I've had to let it go; occasionally reaching out since then is still met with silence. I miss my friend.

@justinanderson1846 7 ай бұрын

Thank you for sharing this

@SilverStar613 7 ай бұрын

A real friend doesn’t ghost. If she’s unavailable, she should tell you. I think you deserve a better friend. Good luck! 😃

@georgee.9631 7 ай бұрын

I was in a situationship with this DA girl. I met her in a game and we got along well. Eventually, we were chatting daily. She even showed me her family and included me in deciding what kind of gift to get her father for a birthday. So one day I sent her flowers 💐. Once I sent her flowers she ghosted me.

@gatorssbm 7 ай бұрын

Honestly its huge in its own right to not only realize it wasnt our fault but sometimes recall what we did right it gives a huge release. Honestly my self doubt just unloaded itself on me after about a decade of numbing myself out after such a toxic environment I grew up in, just had all my negative emotions in full blast feels like I was feeling all the negativity I bottled up from back then but I didnt know at the time that was the source. Finding this channel really did help me get through my toughest spot in life and has helped me finally heal while also getting back on track with supporting my partner once they finally came back, I didnt want them to go through that painful false realization I did that I was unworthy and Id never be able to sustain relationships long term.

@noahhh329 7 ай бұрын

This is vulnerable to ask, but would Thais be willing to make a video about how to reach back out if you were the ghoster? My graduate program ended last summer, just as I was going something traumatic. It was painful and shameful, and I didn't know what to do or how to talk to people about it, and immature as it was, I stopped communicating with everyone in my program. I almost rationalized that we were parting ways anyhow. Now, I feel anxious and ashamed every time I think of them. They all reached out repeatedly. I don't even know if they'd want to hear back.

@Kinteresting 7 ай бұрын

Hey! Just try to reach out! You can explain you were going through something and just want to reconnect. I bet they’d be happy to hear from you!

@Warrior_Princess_1111 7 ай бұрын

@@Kinteresting I agree. People are usually very understanding of things like this.

@Nirosha101 7 ай бұрын

Love the slide format! Thanks Thais!

@lorylovesmakeup2 7 ай бұрын

hi thais! can you please do a video on why FA's ghost people after trying to reconnect with them (they’re my ex)? I'm AP and me and my FA ex broke up about 1 year ago. We started talking again after MANY months of complete no contact. He told me that he hasn't moved on from me but is very very scared to get back together (even though nothing bad happened for us to break up -- we both just need to heal). We hung out a few times and things went great. then, we hung out one day (the last time I saw him) and we had a vulnerable conversation about getting back together and what we have to work on and life in general. we were both so happy and had a great time, and then for a few days after that.. he didn't text me at all. it was so weird and all of a sudden. after a few days of not talking, I communicated to him that I need a little more consistency with texting and hanging out if we want to be on the road of getting back together, and I think that scared him away (that combined with the vulnerable/intimate time we spent together lately). all he said to that message was "ur right. lets talk in person and see" .. long story short, we didn't talk after that and he completely ghosted me. I texted him after two weeks of him ghosting me just to say I enjoyed our time together, im not upset with him but idk why he suddenly stopped talking to me, and just to get closure. it's been months since that message, and ... nothing. i think i’ve almost moved on from the pain of ghosting but i definitely still get curious at times why that happened. he kept saying he didn't move on from me and that this was making him so happy (but so so scared at the same time). why did he suddenly ghost me after I was open to giving him a second chance (since he broke up with me)? if you could make a video about this, that would be SO helpful for me! thanks :)

@LeeChrissy 7 ай бұрын

That's so hard. I'm sorry. 😢 I'm a healing FA and having vulnerable conversations can be very taxing on my nervous system. I instantly worry about whether I'm going to be abandoned or trapped. Maybe he might be similar? I seriously feel his struggle yet empathize with you because I've been on the receiving end as well. I reckon this is why my ex DA kinda lingers. He sent me a vulnerable video a few days ago and messaged me a ton that day but was quiet the next day. Him and I are very similar and I know him enough to understand what's happening in his head. ❤ I'm very direct and don't do hints and I take actions more seriously than words, so I've kind of trained myself not to think too much into these moments he has even though I love very much. Maybe in the meantime just keep working on yourself. I truly wish you the best. ❤

@katenicholson4152 7 ай бұрын

Because he was scared of repeating the cycle, scared he couldn’t handle his part, scared he would lose himself in the relationship. For FAs it all goes back to fear.

@careitina1412 7 ай бұрын

Because he changed his mind about being again together.While you were appart,he would miss you,and his longing grew strong to a point they really had the feeling they want you two together again. When he actually saw you in person,the longing component and the missing had been soothed,and what remain left was the reason they broke off in the first place. Why didn't he communicate that ? I think he was ashamed he would seem irrational and like a jerk (this is a very strong reason for me as a FA leaning DA- ,,hey I want you today stronger than ever/ oh sorry,I actually changed my mind the next few days- it feels extremly emberresing to even ackowledge it for myself). This doesn't cancel the fact that his action is being cruel towards you.Disturbed your peace,gave you false hope,prolonged your suffering and time for healing. You moving on and never taking him back, could be the best lesson and stimuly for him to heal his AT. Grief ,loss and distress are unfortunately the most powerful motivators for subconcious mind to start resolving a problem.Overwise ,if you don't taste the consequences of your distorted programming-you can go on and on, hurt people your entire life!

@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool 7 ай бұрын

If you liked the video please hit the like button and if you haven't already please subscribe! Have a great week!

@maralinautube 7 ай бұрын

Whenever my DA ex Ghosts me, I noticed I will revert back to my Codependent state calling back to back, texting back to back, trying to video chat to gain clarity as an AP. My DA usually gets mad when his feet are held to the fire & he is being chin checked & held accountable. We last spoke on 2/24/2024, he started to Gaslight me because I voiced my concerns of him not keeping his vow. I told him, "Next time you can't keep your promise of calling me, please give me an update." So he quickly Gaslight me & says, "I don't know what's going on with you & why you got attitude?" I quickly said, "I'm not who you're used to!" I said it twice. He got mad & said, "I will call you back!" I hung up from the video chat. The next day he texted me instead of calling like he promised. I chin checked him about calling vs. texting. He does that often by sticking his toe in the water to gage 5he temperature of the room. It triggered me & I sent a long text. After the text, he texts, "What?" like a little child that got caught in the cookie jar & don't know why I'm upset. I found myself going back into a Codependent state yet again for days. So recently I muted him on social media. I'm tired of the Rollercoaster ride with my DA. Just to think, we were supposed meet up on 3/1/24 after not seeing each other since Sweetest Day Weekend 2022. You literally have to pray & Let Go &vLet God w/DAs. Outside of my Covert Narcissistic ex-husband, I would say DA men are the next most stubborn & prideful archetype of man! 99.9% of menONLY RESPOND TO PAIN & PUNISHMENT. My DA ex is NO EXCEPTION to catching a clue & catching a vowel to the A in my ABSENCE! One minute he talks about how sorry he is for what he put me through, Friday, February 16, 2024 & them days later, back to the Tomfoolery Shenanigans!😢😢

@WendiRenay 6 ай бұрын

3 years ago you did a video on this. Does this script still apply? “Hey. I noticed our communication has ended, and I recognize that not everyone is a perfect fit for one another and I’m ok w that. I’m not upset. I want you to know I think highly of you, I’ve enjoyed our interactions, and I’d atleast like to wish you the best, and I’d appreciate it if you could do the same so we can end this dynamic on good terms.”

@waynesmith4861 7 ай бұрын

That’s good stuff! Thank you so much.

@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool 7 ай бұрын

❤

@GlendaBonilla-n1z 7 ай бұрын

How can we get access to the course you mentioned ? I didn’t see it in the links

@JacobCarlson-uq1my 7 ай бұрын

Thank you Thais ❤

@ileanaprofeanu7626 7 ай бұрын

I wonder if you could also make a video on how to better come to terms if you did indeed do something that led to ghosting. I've learnt so much but I still cringe so much at some of the things I did T_T as an FA. thank you!

@garyforbes8711 7 ай бұрын

Wouldn't No Contact be considered a form of Ghosting ?

@cornwallismorgan874 7 ай бұрын

It is if you do it wrong, meaning you don't have a discussion that leads to going no contact and just doing it without the other person's knowledge.

@FriendMariaAdrianna 7 ай бұрын

No contact is when someone has specifically broken up with you and you stop communicating with them as a way to respect their boundary. And also to respect yourself by not talking to someone who has rejected you. Talking to someone and having plans to meet and then disappearing is more like ghosting.

@JacobCarlson-uq1my 7 ай бұрын

I have complete understanding&compassion for incompatibility and fear, etc. Although if one sais& shows the opposite in the beginning then disappears without talking it out ,then this is not the best way? Especially if that person held you in such high regard that they felt safe in your presence and would have defended you with their life , they liked & cared about you & your family so much? Cheerios are easy to clean up?❤

@kleigh7989 7 ай бұрын

Is ghosting normal after 9 months? I have been completely blindsided! We had not gone more than 24 hours without connecting, it’s now been 4 days without a response.

@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool 7 ай бұрын

share your experience with being ghosted in the comments

@sifublack192 7 ай бұрын

I've been ghosted many times, but I just see it as part of the process. Dating is a numbers game and I just have to sift through the "no's" until I get a "yes."

@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool 7 ай бұрын

great perspective, thanks for sharing@@sifublack192

@dulcecaramel972 7 ай бұрын

For my part I’ve been ghosted by a guy who told me he wanted me to be the mother of his kids, it’s been four months and I’m still struggling not to feel threatened by men who approach me since then.

@wendydaniel1110 4 ай бұрын

You ghost me , you're gone Not playing stupid games. 😂

@AnimeNewsRadio101 7 ай бұрын

This is me, just want to wait the right time (no, I’m not avoidant. I’m bit anxious) and say it when. I haven’t talked to my platonic (an FA) for 8 months except November 27, I am ready to speak up and fix the rebuild. I don’t want to hurt my platonic, she wants to feel safe.