THESE Are the Avoidant's Unhealthy Relationship Expectations

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

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[@SK-no2pp]

There is a reason it is difficult for avoidants to fall in love. It's not possible to really fall in love while we're too busy protecting ourselves. Like turns into love through vulnerability - we start to deeply love people when we feel seen and heard by them - we feel able to show and be open about our true selves (at our best and worst). For avoidants this can involve admitting to our shame-filled avoidant desires, needs and pasts, and in doing so discovering they do not need to be a source for shame after all. Until we're willing to be vulnerable like this, we cannot truly love. When we instead become protective we ultimately become resentful because we don't feel seen, while simultaneously resenting attempts to see us we don't feel ready for, and partnerships become stale. Until we can rid ourselves of the shackles of shame to feel safe truly opening ourselves to another, the closest many avoidants get to feeling love is feelings of yearning or limerence that come from distance (emotional or physical) in a relationship - distance that often actually works against the long-term stability of that relationship.

[@harry-james-books]

Good post

[@HustleHabit]

"while simultaneously resenting attempts to see us we don't feel ready for"... This part was deep. Thanks for sharing.

[@Alixir1228]

Then it's cruel to be in a relationship and manipulate someone into falling in love with you with no intention on reciprocating.

[@brennenh3457]

It's a choice everybody has to make and a risk that is big for everybody, avoidant or not. Y'all are the ones just fucking it up for everyone else. It's called. Get. Over. It. Or. Stay. Alone.

[@harry-james-books]

@@Alixir1228 Bottom line is they are all about them. They're utterly selfish and self-obsessed. FA or DA - it's all about their way or the highway, and if you don't like it, tough titty. There's only one way to deal with them and that's walk away and let them screw up someone elses life, not yours

[@Weismant81]

The love bombing in the beginning builds the ideas of their future hopes and dreams, only for them to disappear. As a pure hearted person, I can’t help but feel like I’ve been played!

[@vlst8715]

When the person is all over you and connects with you on a deeper level than anybody else before them, then withdraws and claims they have no idea what intimacy is, you can't help but wonder.

[@StellarWreckage]

Thais - your curiosity and care and hope and love are among the best I’ve ever known. Thank you for teaching us these paths to learn love without fear, without expectations. For me that is as close to loving *as Christ loved* as I think we can ever get. What a gift to give us so freely! It makes me laugh with joy to feel what’s possible now, what’s imminent. I’m so hopeful. I understand how projection works, but still, I’ll say-I’m SO PROUD OF YOU. Just look what you’ve done!! I want to hug you, too! 🥹🤩🥰

[@StellarWreckage]

MIKE! I literally stopped cold in my tracks puttering around cleaning to login to my iPad and let you know how deeply I appreciate your radical honesty here. Some of the things you said are things I’ve suspected, but have only glimpsed real evidence of in sideways comments, in the slippery liminal space between a DA’s hope and fear. It helps confirm my sense of the needs behind the “ask” so I can figure out how to address it. I sympathize with how vulnerable it must feel for you and I want you to know that there are a lot of us non-DA’s out here who appreciate you **without judgement**. If it weren’t for your honesty we’d still be staring at a black hole that contains multitudes but tears every relation asunder *almost* by definition. Though I do believe in superluminal signals. ;) ALSO, I hadn’t finished watching the video and it was still playing when I was writing this comment. A former DA saying “Romeo and Juliet” in reference to Disney’s penchant for cloying fairytales that proscribe happy endings is SO much evidence for the subconscious mind, I can’t even. I’m dead of laughter. I will always refer to Romeo and Juliet as a DA Disney movie from now on. 😂

[@sillymamacita3854]

My DA husband's most common responses to my feelings- "that is *not* what I meant, you're the one taking it that way", or " " (aka complete silence). I've learned to tell him up front before I start talking to him what my needs are- I don't want a solution, I want your feedback on this, I just want to feel heard on this, (most recently) I *do not* need any form of criticism or critique about this, that would actually make this even worse for me. I just need you to listen. (I should have also said I will need a hug bc that somehow never occurs to him, even while I'm crying my eyes out?!) 😭😫

[@SK-no2pp]

Do you think he is a good husband overall? He doesn’t really sound emotionally available.

[@sillymamacita3854]

@@SK-no2pp I do think he is a great husband believe it or not. I have seen the needle move as Thais says and I can't imagine doing life with anyone else beside me. We've both been through a lot, both before and together. 23 years together so far. If he wasn't invested in improving, I'd say no amount of time with someone requires me or anyone else to continue poor treatment. But it's moving, and he wants to improve, so that helps a lot.

[@SK-no2pp]

@@sillymamacita3854 but you’ve been together for 23 years, and he still is trying to improve and doesn’t know how to be there for you emotionally

[@billbills7158]

If you’re giving for the sake of giving just to make yourself feel better then you should NEVER expect anything in return. If you’re giving because your girlfriend/boyfriend is asking for something then it is 100% in the right to expect something in return. For me I just want appreciation and respect which doesn’t cost time or money. Instead I was given the silent treatment, poor communication, and told “your problems aren’t nearly as big as my problems so relax”. I was told I was annoying when I brought up my issues and told not to suppress my feelings but it was 100% okay for her to talk about her issues with me and suppress her feelings if it meant cancelling fun in the sun but she always brought the issue back up 2/3 days later once all was paid for and no more fun was to be had. Not to mention are both Christians so I had scripture thrown in my face on how biblical men are supposed to be but never once did she understand what a biblical woman is supposed to be. It didn’t end well. No one was physically injured but I know that I was emotionally abused after months apart. I pray for her but I can’t do anything else at this point.

[@benhunt4089]

20:09 Surely it is completely rational for a person who has saved up some money to be a bit wary of a partner with debt! I do not see how that would be dismissive avoidant, isn't that just being smart!

[@wendydavis936]

Beauty and the beast is my relational movie as a AP/FA in a relationship with a DA

[@manuelchouza4282]

Thank you Thais for putting all the great work into this topic. WE should all be greatful for the work you're doing really. While i see it is possible for someone to have that patience and acknowledge you guys in the way you need it, isn't that the line between a relationship with a child or your kid and a relationship with an adult? I really think dealing with DA is perhaps one of the most difficult things to deal with in life. While yes it is important to understand all these dynamics from the DA perspective. Aren't we just making excuses for them to actually grow up in the good sense, I am not intending to call anyone a child here but let's be honest isn't that a need for someone to actually really work on becoming an emotional mature person or a fully developed adult person if you'd like? which is not an easy thing to do, of course I am not denying that it is a very difficult thing to accomplish because to start with, it is something that should had started with your parents having done it in the right way, so that already in itself states the magnitud of the complexity of the subject. What I would like to see more in the future even if that is after I'm gone for good is making parents a bit more responsable of things like these, sort in a way for people to think that having babies or creating a family means more that just pleasing the desired of some women or people encountering meaning of life just in becoming mother or father. And therefore just because they already ticked that box in their life then they can allow themselves to leave the boat sinking without really understanding that the deepest consequences of that is not the adults but the kids that will inherit some undesirable side effects. This is the reason I am grateful for content like this to be more popular. Thank you !!

[@harry-james-books]

Mike explains why these people are a complete waste of your time, energy, emotion and commitment. Dump and move on.

[@rarab22]

Absolutely as a healing anxious going towards secure now that im with my DA...i absolutey assume that like majority of the relationship is like 70% emotional romantic connections and deep conversations...and like 30% physical things/gifts/acts of service lol. Also yes im noticing language matters...absolutely never mention him having feelings about anything...that always triggers him so i even notice when i say "what did you think about that?" I'd get an answer. I vaguely remember him yelling ince saying "i have no feelings!" I really wish i could go back in time and be friends with him while he was going through his emotional neglect❤

[@SK-no2pp]

@@rarab22 what would you have gotten being friends with someone who claims to have no feelings?

[@rarab22]

@@SK-no2pp not so much about what I'd get but idk I wish I could have been a friend he could feel safe with emotionally as a child. That's all really, maybe an emotionally available friend would have helped him feel much safer? That's my thinking but it is an assumption also.

[@SK-no2pp]

@@rarab22 no I don’t think so. That’s not how avoidant attachment works. You can model secure behavior for them, but they still have to do the work. And most of the time secure behavior triggers them.

[@rarab22]

@@SK-no2pp yes that is true. I wonder if they would have the same reaction to secure behaviors as a child compared to as an adult 🤔