Recognize A Fearful Avoidant Immediately With These 20 Traits

[@kingaberlakovich5585]

Boundary setting is hard, when you weren’t allowed to say no to your parents or other family members ( grandparents, and other adults).

[@EvangelineMelody2]

The boundaries one is spot on. The first month of dating my boyfriend I thought I had discloused all my boundaries until my bf did something that idk how to feel about. So i shut down and went no contact for 3 days to reflect on what i was feeling. Then I reached out to calmly tell him that in the future, i would like him to not do x again. He was completely shocked (rightfully so) because in the moment he had asked was x okay and i had told him yes it was. But now I had to tell him that in that moment idk x was a boundary for me (it also didn't help that I'm a people pleaser so I didn't want to hurt his feelings by voicing my uncomfortability with x) but upon reflecting for the past few days, now ik x made me slightly uncomfortable and is a boundary 🤷🏻‍♀️ He was confused af but lucky for me has the patience of a saint.

[@ARB249]

My FA “boyfriend” (we’re still just dating 2.5months in) broke up with me stating I crossed a boundary (the boundary was originally set by me… for different reasons) and I wasn’t aware that was a boundary (in the context that he felt I crossed it) and I tried apologizing as I had been in a highly triggered state by something he’d done/lack there of on top of an already bad day. I feel really bad about overstepping his boundary but it felt unfair that he went no contact and said it was over with when I would have absolutely not crossed a boundary if I knew that was a boundary. I need help 😢. I feel bad genuinely really bad! I’m not sure if he will come back…. Everything else was great. (This is the first time we’ve fallen out like this, as we are really good at communicating)

[@mtc-j9i]

Oof!!!!!!! Oh my goodness. The tracking. The unworthiness. The over giving. Under receiving. The people pleasing. The harshness. The withdrawing. The suspicion. This sucks. 😢 How do we fix it?

[@jonathanalexander4487]

By slowly acquiring self awareness on your core wounds, try scripting, narrate your childhood as detailed as you can, core wounds develop early in life. I recommend using some emotional freedom technique such as EFT tapping, PNL or similar, that helps with emotions, feelings and beliefs related to the core wound through your life. I hope you may find relief.

[@williammcfarlane6153]

One of the things I find ironic is how the fearful-avoidant will have a deep need for trust but will also violate trust in others to "protect themselves"...🤦‍♂️

[@julesD0222]

Exactly! Also, the hypocrisy of wanting consistency, but engaging in inconsistent, hot/cold behaviours themselves

[@katenicholson4152]

But doesn’t it also make sense that because this is a need, an FA does not know how to demonstrate it with never receiving it before? Consistency provides the safety to trust and not self protect.

[@suras8984]

I'm an FA and I have a deep aversion to hurting others or overtly breaking trust. If pulling away is breaking trust then I am probably guilty but I have never done anything that would be considered a betrayal. Im someone who breaks my back to keep my word or come through when someone is relying on me. FA is a spectrum.

[@julesD0222]

@@sunbeam9222 It seems to me that your are taking these comments personally. Which comment stated that FA is the worst? These are observations, ironies and inconsistencies being pointed out.

[@djpdyson]

In my opinion, it's pretty difficult to tell the difference between a fearful avoidant and a real narcissist

[@howtosober]

You are such a contribution in this space. I would have been hopeless for God knows how long if I hadn't stumbled into your channel and PDS. I had so much resentment and rage over how my past relationships ended. Now I'm empowered to heal and never have to put myself in those positions again. Thank you so much for sharing the origin story of this work, and thank you for what you do!

[@AG-vp1ok]

Would love if you would do a compare and contrast video for FAs and DAs. Watching separate videos to identify the two can get a bit confusing.

[@PaigeSquared]

"They can really come on strong if they feel...weak" DAs can often equate vulnerability with weakness. Which means they become defensive or angry when their partner expects them to be vulnerable. Intimacy requires vulnerability. This means, with a DA, they will attempt to remove their vulnerbility from the intimacy, while the other is still being vulnerable. The DA then judges their partner as weak and their vulnerability despicable. They stop holding the mindset of love towards the other, and the other doesnt understand why.

[@Kareena1988]

3:45 start

[@SangheiliSpecOp]

what she says at the beginning is important too imo

[@patrickvernon4766]

Thais, you’re an amazing women. Thank you for these videos. I’m going through a hard part of my life and I know at least one person out here has a clue. Gives me a bit more hope a bit less fear.

[@arbrewer123]

Is there any correlation between adhd and fearful avoidants or dismissive avoidants?

[@PaigeSquared]

Their childhoods.

[@shanez1215]

Feel like ADHD would be more associated with AP's

[@hspinnovators5516]

My ex was FA and deff also ASD/audhd

[@jaredvaughan1665]

I think Thais should focus on the extreme ends of attachment theory: Leaning anxious and leaning avoidant. And then highlight we all have traces of both to some degree. Keep it simple. True FAs really don't exist unless someone has exactly the same percentage of anxious and avoidant in them. Which is near impossible. Everyone leans a little more anxious or avoidant. Even secure people.

[@anon_ya]

As an FA I agree with the statement about tracking.

[@thehapagirl92]

8:38 Yes! I have an aggressive communication style and fight never flee or freeze. I’m working on anger management. I say I hate people and tell them to fuck off and block them. All or nothing. Mean. Then I feel guilty and apologize and of course the other person doesn’t accept it. I keep the score and remember slights against me.

[@smileyglitter852]

@thrhapagirl92 same girl same..

[@smileyglitter852]

Omg this is me, all to the T....All from my f'd up childhood, narc parents, and narc partners...

[@Elizabeth-tb3ud]

Thank you! This is me. Idk how I ran across you but so glad I did. I was actually trying to find out about my kids dad. We are no longer together because from watching you Ive now realized he's a DA, so yea we clash a lot. I appreciate your insight I'm definitely going to work on what I can about myself and being this way, along with being bipolar I'm on a constant roller coaster. I would love to change some of these traits so I don't pass them along to my little girl, and coming from someone who loves psychology you are one of the very very few that I watch on KZbin.

[@Candy_Mountain]

Omgosh yes. All of these. Huge fear issues due to surgery on my head, stomach & ankle as a 4 month old. They didn’t use anesthesia until the 80’s on infants Then I had a father with CPTSD from Vietnam

[@Wealth_through_Health22]

Where did you grow up that they didnt use anesthesia? Thats horrible.

[@Candy_Mountain]

@@Wealth_through_Health22 It wasn’t standard practice until the mid-80’s everywhere. Google about it Thank you 🙏🏼

[@natatattful]

I am so sorry, wishing you wellness and healing.

[@Anwelei]

Omg!!!! I’m so sorry !!!

[@lizb4156]

​@@Candy_MountainIn England they used to use gas to knock kids out at the dentist in the 80s. They don't now.

[@alainpatry]

I find their need for trust to be a bit shocking, ironic, and self-fulfilling. In my experience because the FA doesn't trust *from the start* (the partner does not get a fair baseline from the beginning), they engage in behaviours that "break" trust from a trusting partner. Such as pulling away abruptly, cancelling plans, or violating some boundaries around privacy in order to verify/confirm their irrational narrative. My last FA partner was really spiteful when triggered - as described at 12:45 - and to this day still shows obvious patterns like that, however, she won't admit to it (as I guess that would make her feel that she's a bad person.) Anyway, interesting video - checked off most of what I observed from being intimately involved with FA.

[@lizb4156]

No they don't! They don't trust even before meeting you and cancel all the time. How do you even manage to get in a relationship? That's what I don't get.

[@wendythiel2059]

Great! Thais thank you so much 😚 keep doing the great work. This is valuable information that we can use to help us have better relationship and stop struggling with our behaviours within relationships.

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

You're welcome! Glad this was helpful for you :)

[@cryptoandzen7611]

Thank you so much, this is such a gift to finally understand what’s this non safe emotional problem is all about

[@mixedlagoona9566]

I love what you have to say and your insights, but sometimes I struggle to follow what you’re saying and take it all in.

[@yuiitodoro7791]

If u dont mind , can u tell me what are things that makes it hard to follow ?

[@cloudslady3400]

For fearful avoidants who lean Da like me…i guess so many things included in the video won’t apply to them…I have zero Ap tendencies…half of my attachment is secure so it’s a completely different place than the typical Fa..I expect people to be direct but I’m definitely not..I avoid vulnerability in such an extreme way so my speech is always indirect when it’s about me

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

thank you for sharing ❤

[@suras8984]

So what makes you FA if you do not have any anxious tendencies. Wouldn't you just be DA leaning secure?

[@AliceInHiding]

I'm also fa leaning da. I had zero ap tendencies until I had a relationship with a da. Wow I didn't even recognise myself!!!

[@yuiitodoro7791]

@@AliceInHiding yeah same , i believed i am da from my avoidance with friends, but after being in contact with da i realized i am fa

[@Theysopretty2]

You've just not met the DA of your nightmares yet 😂

[@roshalllambert]

Loved this video! and how you explained each of these in detail in IAT training!

[@stevensantora2976]

Thank you so much. Great video.

[@soytj8475]

I love the 'me in a nutshell ' video. Curious to apply some of the lessons in the near future too! Thanks Thais for creating this body of work. It's been so helpful for understanding myself and feel more empathy towards myself and my behaviors while being able to work on improving them. 🙌

[@indigodp7]

Thank you Soo much for this video. You described everything I go through and it makes sense now. I always had this question ⁉️ but couldn't find answers but thank you so much because now I know how to address them . thank you 🙏🏻🙌🏻🙌🏻🙌🏻

[@gregorystinette8271]

I've been looking for all these traits in my dog, but couldn't find any. Woof !

[@goulnazgalieva3121]

Hi Thais, I've a friend who scored as FA in your test. When I listen to videos about FAs I don't recognise her, maybe because she's very closed and doesn't like to talk about herself. I only know there was some abuse in childhood and lots of traumas she worked on, she used to be so easily triggered. She also almost never messages first, is a workaholic,describes herself an ambivert and self-diagnosed with ADHD (there's a pattern when she sees a message and if it's a question and you forgot the question mark, she never replies, there's a psychological rigidity but I don't know why exactly). There's an extreme restlessness to her like she goes out a lot and never stays in town for holidays or vacations complaining she doesn't earn a lot. But traveling is a big expense. She finds Thais annoying 😃 I guess it's the way Thais expresses herself, maybe it's a shadow, who knows. I wonder if it sounds like a typical FA or there's more to this.

[@lmart16]

I do all of these lol Textbook FA.

[@TheOyaOshun]

What Were the 20 different traits?! 😅

[@shannellvila9951]

I loved your video I have this attachment style and this really helped me

[@afriendabroad2083]

How do you suggest therapy for a potentially fearful avoidant friend if they don't know they are FA and assume that even fairly neutral statements are criticisms and shut down? I am securely attached according to the PDS test and I have a friend who I suspect is fearful avoidant. But I am afraid of suggesting he even take the rest much less get therapy since he can quickly shut down

[@shanez1215]

I'm not a pro, but what about coming at it from a different angle? Like, say if they had a major change or event in their life (like a breakup), you could suggest therapy as a way to process it. And then while they're there the therapist can get them to open up.

[@hspinnovators5516]

That sounds like BPD if it's constantly lash out

[@angiemoreno1013]

Soooo you just described me to a T. And I had no idea

[@peanutbutterjellyjam2179]

As a non-native speaker, I would have loved if you had spoken slower.

[@JACCO20082012]

Set the video to play slower.

[@chrisharris6462]

This feels like an advertisement. I don't trust it

[@gayleneflower398]

They won’t admit when they’re wrong, you forgot that one

[@volatilebiscuit]

4:21