Dear Partner of Fearful Avoidant: What Your FA Partner Wants You to Know!

[@MissTweenn]

1. overshare when they notice shift in your behaviour 2. notice small details of their life 3. remind them to take space 4. ask them to express their needs

[@Gk2003m]

As an avoidant, I’m not sure I agree with some of this. Too much noticing of small details can seem intrusive. And my guess is that avoidants are largely paired up with narcissists, who already overshare.

[@BloodBathandCake]

Like a baby. Way too mothering.

[@tomasbyrom3954]

This is for Fearful Avoidants (also called Anxious Avoidants) who have traits of both Avoidant and Anxious attached people. As an FA, I definitely think these suggestions would help. For a Dismissive Avoidant, these would be too intense for sure

[@nbee6217]

@@BloodBathandCake this. Seems very clingy too and an FA leaning avoidant will absolutely go into shut-down mode if you intrude this much.

[@joshjacobson932]

Did all this, she still left

[@IronX77]

Intro ends at 3:07

[@hal4192]

Thank you. It's very frustrating having to listen to these intros.... They would be better at the end of the vid.

[@juliebosnich4283]

100 % !! I can’t bear all the “up selling “ pre the message 🙄

[@alwayscoca-cola6487]

MVP

[@DopeyDetector]

​@juliebosnich4283 oh grow up.

[@jelayastewart4804]

I am a fearful Avoidant person. And it has hurt me so much I find myself constantly breaking my own heart in relationships. Thank for these videos

[@Coachnaimah]

My sentiments exactly. Wow

[@tuba268]

@Jer Bear This was such a hopeful and lovely thing to say. I will try to remember this.

[@tuba268]

@Jer Bear Thank you so much for the kind words! I hope the same for you.

[@stephanie.pattillo]

Same🫶🏼

[@pravashi_382]

Fr...not only mine but others in the process too...none of us deserve it..yk the hurt

[@RD-ds2cc]

O.M.G. When you said that fearful avoidants are often quite normal when they’re out of a relationship, but it’s when they are in a relationship that all of these things get triggered- hit the nail on the head!!! I have often said this about myself.

[@larrycork1420]

Another great video, I am a fearful avoidant, I am 64 and only learning these things about myself now.

[@colorfullyme]

there is no time like the present!

[@gail9566]

I hear you, im 57.

[@robr7200]

46 same. I wish I had known these things 20-25 years ago but grateful to be learning the now.

[@Bprimemod]

I'm so glad that all you guys are here and learning about yourselves! There really is no 'the right time' to gain self-awareness. I have a question. I'm a 22 year old female and I think I might have this attachment style. I also broke things off with a boy that I think I quite liked and cared for (I'm just terrified of using the verb 'loved' for some reason). I didn't think I would be toooooo upset if I break things off but I apparently am very upset, all I do is literally cry for the past 24 hours. My question is: what would your advice to your younger selves & to me be? I'm just terrified but obviously I'm not seem to be doing okay like this.

[@Taryn101]

This is me...wow. I have always told people my super hero power is that I know what you are going to do before you do it. It’s easier to be single because relationships trigger me. I’m pretty sure I’ve ended every relationship because I felt they didn’t love me enough. I definitely struggle expressing my needs. For the majority of my life I wasn’t able to put words to my feelings. I just needed space. ☹️ Thank you for this, it’s an awakening to learn not everyone thinks/reacts the way I do.

[@booksybean]

I relate to this 120% LOL

[@poboy8490]

I lose my shit when I'm driving or in a grocery store... And it's as if people are in their own world or center of the universe. I feel that, if I can be courteous enough and have enough foresight to not clog up a lane or cut someone off, etc, SO SHOULD EVERYONE ELSE!!!! But now I'm realizing that we're just viewing life like a chess player... constantly weighing probabilities and risks and threats, and trying to make the most accurate predictions and decisions based on all the experience and data we've gathered over our lifetimes...... Same thing in relationships... Partners literally CAN'T reciprocate because they don't share our same neurosis ("super power") 😅 fuck

[@xceept]

Maybe you are just assuming cause you are too in your head and not really reading people.

[@_..-.._..-.._]

@@poboy8490 same here, I don’t know how people can be so ignorant and in their own world. Most of my anger comes from these things.

[@damonsumner]

Oh my god! Are you transcribing my thoughts? This is a freaky comment. I have always said and tried to explain to loved ones that i think not in words or pictures like a regular person i think in feelings then i have to translate the feelings into words. No one gets what i mean tho 😂

[@kuhulikasharma2089]

I am 26 and I recently met someone. We have a good connection and he really shows a lot of affection towards me right from the beginning. I liked it but it started making me feel very anxious but I really would want him to stay with me. I fear intimacy and i have never been close with anyone before. All of my fears about love and relationship are hijacking my brain. I try to work through my thoughts and feelings and i recently discovered that i am fearful avoidant. It sucks tbh because I don't know how to enjoy and be happy in love most of the times. I am constantly working on myself and love feels like a task. But it is only you who makes me feel understood because other channels and speakers talk as if a fearful avoidant is a villain and bad person when it's far from truth. You make it seems like it's a dent that was cause by childhood traumas which can be healed. I just hope I am able to love more freely and fearlessly in this life. Thankyou for Everything youre doing

[@Datavinc]

You can heal, good luck in your journey 🤗

[@darshankuppaswamy6627]

P

[@orlandohouse7214]

Reading this comment today and you are exactly like the woman I love right now. I am trying to be patient and understand her side of things, I hope he stayed. I hope you guys are making memories. I hope you're free and at peace in a moment and I hope the previous thoughts have settled into distant memories too far to connect with. I know he loves you. Just like I love her.

[@smuella6454]

Did y’all make it?

[@bennyton2560]

keep doing work on yourself friend! I didn't start out as a secure type but I healed. You can do it too. On top of that I'm still dealing with family trauma at 27; probably not the hopeful turn you'd hope, but hang in there

[@katenicholson4152]

“You won’t have to do it forever; just until they build trust” made me break down 😢it’s so true that FAs need to have liberty to question things and receive reassurance instead of criticism. Unfortunately, I drove my DA bonkers with my hyper vigilance. I wanted to trust him but he was a hard one to believe, especially when he pulled away when discussing commitment. Commitment = safety. Hesitancy to commit can mean lack of safety for the FA. Didn’t want to live together or have the pressure of marital roles, but I did want the legal paperwork to mean this person is serious, won’t abandon me, and was telling the truth when saying they wanted this. As an FA, I never would’ve brought up marriage. Never. Because I didn’t 100% want it. But when my DA brought it up, I wanted to believe him and that I was worthy of this level of commitment. After getting married I knew I would hardly want to come home because I would feel he invaded my safe space. FAs are complicated 😅

[@janelcasady9494]

It would be cool if you did retreats. For couples and individuals. Thank you for your content. It’s so helpful.

[@unlockevidence]

Janel Magistro second this. Thais look into this! There are many of us running businesses ect that could assist with making this come into fruition, simply because we love the content and believe in the work you are disseminating out there for us! 🙏

[@valentinanocross8677]

She's absolutely right. You are such a wonderful personality in the future something like couples retreats or speaking in venues.

[@juliejay5436]

Agree.

[@yehhshhs]

retreat will be a warzone if its full of people dealing with this.

[@adamwood87]

that would totally be worth a trip to Canada.

[@Tam_X]

This is such great info. I just want to say that none of it applies if the relationship is abusive. In that case, don’t be gaslit. Your desire to flee may be FA, but with abusers, it is also the smartest wisest safest move you can make.

[@singinglawnchair]

Fearful avoidant here... my partner often asks me what my needs are and my brain just bluescreens because I've felt like what I need is too much or is stupid and I just shut down. How do I work through this?

[@_Trakman]

singinglawnchair same, SAME.

[@user-rc1my2xc3s]

Reflect upon it and write it down 🧡

[@abbeycrouse3020]

singinglawnchair yes! Me too

[@westcoastorbust2462]

Say just THAT!!!!

[@Sandra.B]

You have to take into account that when it comes to improve your relationship nothing is too much or stupid, but your low selfsteem tells you that, so work on both things: Your self steem and an open and honest communication with your partner, you can consider yourself happy that your partner is asking you those things, she won't judge you so don't judge yourself.

[@kellygaitten1551]

I'm AP. Working on my emotions. I can now convey to my FA partner what my boundaries and needs are and he is responding in a very positive and caring way. I'm giving him his space and time and he REALLY appreciates that. He gives me a ton of positive feedback when he thinks I'm going to go emotional if he needs to work late or just go home and watch tv. I try not to push my needs over his and it's working well. Thank you. I hope to have a very positive and long term relationship with this guy. We are both out of nasty divorces and our exes were both DA! I watch at least 2 of your videos a week and I'm working on the Stop Abandonment & Rejection in A Relationship (Anxious Attachment Style Re-Programming). Years of therapy and counseling have not helped me as much as you have in the last 2 weeks. I'm not depressed. I am anxious preoccupied. I'm the "border collie" of the attachment styles. I just need a job to complete, a plan and focus! Oh and you are helping my golf game too. The constant mind numbing scenarios and ridiculous thoughts are gone. Cancel cancel. You are brilliant!

[@ajiculsakul]

Hi, i had a similar experience. My ex FA was extremely interested in my needs and very involved in our relationship,hitting the relationship milestones. He was caring, no real red flags until I realized he is a bit too secrative. I found out he was in a relationship with his ex girlfriend simultaneously and had feelings for both of us. He lied straight to my face when I asked about her, even before i found out. The more time passed, the more caring he became. So watch out for the FA being extremely giving, since it’s not natural for them. When they are in love, they are somewhat anxious and distant trying to cope with their own emotions. It’s when they ruin the chance for true commitment and “free themselves” they feel empowered to give. Wish you well.

[@lisaharper7185]

Thanks for sharing. I am curious are things still working for you and your FA? I have a anxious attachment style and I am dating someone with a FA style. I had no clue about attachment styles and recently came across some videos .. I shared the FA video with him but I don’t know if he watched it 🤷‍♀️ should i ask him ? Also we both came out of marriages with narcissist but I’m scared his covert ex will manipulate him back 🤷‍♀️

[@bennyton2560]

Thanks for sharing. Hope you guys are well and happy

[@lyndeeakadupsy]

I'm so guilty of pushing everyone that I have loved away! Watching this video makes me feel (as a fearful-avoidant) that I should refrain from dating.... I find it very difficult to stop saying that I want to leave when I argue. I've been attracting anxious types so it has been increasingly challenging dating because they often take what I say literally. This video really spoke to me and I am continuing to strive to be better and do better.

[@thisispi1491]

lyndeeeeee from what you wrote you seem more as dismissive type did you read about that ? not sure of course but worth checking... dismissive wants to leave when they argue, fearful might say it they don’t mean it, they want to over give the understanding and they want to make peace... they might withdraw but they don’t run away from conflict necessarily neither break up from conflict.

[@lyndeeakadupsy]

​@@thisispi1491 I'm definitely fearful-avoidant, but I can see why you would say that I'm dismissive. There is definitely some overlap

[@thisispi1491]

@@lyndeeakadupsy I meant that because dismissive avoidant is usually magnetic to anxiously attachmed but of course it depends on the core wounds and dynamics. :) definitely you feel what you are going through of course not undermining that. Anyway, what a great community here 😊👍🏼good day Lyndee

[@michellefalco9773]

@@lyndeeakadupsy fearful has dismisive and anxious all in one- push pull hot cold

[@romanesca1988]

I feel you...i feel the same...

[@footinstirrup4948]

It is so refreshing to hear this from someone who has lived it, not just a professional who is giving you the textbook definition. Your emotions of the insight you have from your story really sinks in for the partner.

[@BexnRN]

I’ve been dating a man who turned out to be FA. He has tested and signed up for PDS. He was raised in an alcoholic abusive home. He told me I’m the first person to ever ask him if he’s dealt with the emotional trauma from his childhood. I thought that was so sad. I have hope for our relationship-he is willing and that’s a lot of the battle sometimes.

[@Barbie4U2]

How’s the relationship going now?

[@BexnRN]

@@Barbie4U2 ha! He turned out to be an abusive narcissistic alcoholic. He attacked me drunk one night in MY house then called the cops when I fought back. Good riddance.

[@Barbie4U2]

@@BexnRN I’m really sorry to hear that. I hope you never saw him again after that exchange. Be safe girl, and know your worth 🩷

[@abbasgirl8153]

​@rebeccacarraway480 so he turned out just like his parents. I am sorry

[@Akaeilla]

As a so misunderstood Fearfull Avoidant, this video actually made me cry... thank you!!!!

[@xXEternallyForeverXx]

I thought I was an Anxious for the longest time, but I realized I was a Fearful Avoidant. So I've been watching your channel for awhile on the wrong spectrum. Aha But after watching this video I started to cry because I never felt more connected to the message and it was everything I wish people, particularly my partners, understood about me. I've always been scared to really express myself and when I do I feel like I always hurt other people because I'm quick to pick up pattern changes in peoples' behaviors and I make a lot of assumptions. I felt like a wild animal that needs to be tamed. I just want to say it's been quite a journey through all of the videos and I want to say thank you.

[@Julia-di1sf]

As a FA working on myself, thank you so much for this, I really cried at how validated and seen I felt. I wish I had come across this sooner, but so happy I did today ❤️ Thank you for being so kind and compassionate ❤️

[@missmaex3]

This is me to a T. I'm adopted, so my first and most important attachment in my life (my mother) was severed on day one. I did not attach or bond to my adopters and they were also physically, emotionally, verbally, and psychologically abusive. I now finally realize all the ways in which my brain was wired incorrectly due to the loss of that most important attachment, and then the subsequent abuse and what those major events taught my brain. I feel sorry for my husband for having to deal with someone like me, but I will say that having this knowledge now does help tremendously to navigate my triggers.

[@normaaydeegarcia3736]

Have you thought of writing a book? Seriously, you have so much knowledge on the attachment types and say very accurate things. Please share your knowledge in a book. It seems the books out there are not that good yet.

[@mohamedatcha6415]

She has a book called attachment theory.. I got a copy and it's really good

[@epicinitiator]

You are so amazing. I have never ever felt so seen in my entire life, so to hear these descriptions is so, so very healing. Thank you, Thais.

[@lunaleia952]

I feel like I'm so compliacted in relationships. I don't want to share all of this craziness with my partner and impact him negatively in any way. I understand that not speaking up is also a problem but still.. I wish I could solve it without him recognizing it. this is really a hard one as soon as my insecurities are triggered which is basically most of the time.

[@DashOnWaves]

I share a relationship with someone who is FA. If you are still with this person, Make the trip to talk to them about how you are. Slowly opening is part of growth. If you dont really open a part of yourself and aim to becoming vulnerable to people you love, it will weigh on you and create more opportunities to go and believe that you need to push or always resort to escapng the person to feel better. You may need your partner, and sometimes its hard to know how to work with you until they understand who you are. Big hugs, talk it through and go slow with it. You are human, FA's deserve love, lots of care, and somebody who tries to stay in tune with you

[@stephaniehalkyard7029]

Im an FA. I was bullied when I was younger and as a result of that I’m very aware of people’s body language and expressions which can make me unbelievably suspicious of people and their intentions with me. I really want closeness but it scares the hell out of me because I don’t want to every feel rejection or as awful as I was made to feel when I was younger! It’s so hard to control and explain to people why I push away and pull people into my life. 😔

[@raccoonsandfriendsproductions]

I love the Fearful Avoident in my life and your videos have been a complete godsend. 🙏

[@Crows_before_bros]

My understanding of how this attachment style works based on what I’ve read and these videos (which have been quite helpful ) is that FA’s struggle to an enormous extent with guilt, depression, and inner turmoil re: relationships and love. While dealing with this as a partner of a FA can be confusing and hurtful at times, I have found it helpful learning more about why my partner is wired this way. It helps me have a great deal more patience with him.

[@soaringdavis8202]

I like that you mentioned how the hyper vigilance stays even with having done the personal work. I think I operate on the low end of the FA spectrum now- after yrs of work, so what you have pointed out about FA's use to be me to a T, but now my reactions are not the same- BUT my hyper vigilance is still there and I DO still pick up on the slightest changes in emotions, mood, tone/inflection of voice, & behavioral patterns- I make the attempt to ask questions, have a respectful conversation w/ out antics- I have found that others are also not as willing to be open, vulnerable- I still pick up on that even when I make my bid for discussion. At the end of the day I respect people's decision.

[@Peety.0]

I seriously need to save this link and just send it out to every potential partner 😅😭😂😂😂

[@ahmedabdulai9852]

Love this comment haha

[@elisabethstabel2082]

I was depating of doing this with the guy I'm currently dating. I think it's fair 😊

[@MegaMie77]

@@elisabethstabel2082 I hope you did. This would help so many suitors to save otherwise great relationships.

[@elev8tedconvers8tions71]

I do this and then I get scared that I've been "too" exposed and that I'll be taken advantage of

[@chuckbabu7943]

I’ve been researching relationship advice on KZbin and books for quite some time. I just wanted to say that You have some of the best videos on understanding relationships I’ve ever seen! You rock! Thank you!

[@CloverJ_Mermaid]

Fr

[@xoxo_kiyla]

Wow this is so interesting! I was recently with a guy I'm sure was FA after watching a few of your videos. He was very heard to read as it seemed he was constantly trying to connect with me/win me over while also trying to keep me at an arm's length. I decided to pull back a bit and just go with the flow because subconsciously I didn't feel safe with him. He was really upset by this. He all of sudden had a list of grievances that I was completely unaware I had been committing. I told him how unfair it was that he was bothered by things or wanting more from me but never told me- his response was "I shouldn't have to tell you - you're just an inconsiderate person". It was a pretty painful conversation as no matter what I said or how I offered to show up for him in they way he needed, he had his mind made up that I was not the kind of person he wanted to be with. At the end, as I dropping him off at his apartment, he actually asked me for a hug like you said lol. I reached out and grabbed his hand but said no to the hug because I was really hurting from the things he said - he seemed really disappointed in my denial and his demeanor shifted from cold and detached to caring and empathetic as he was exiting the car.

[@hidayasoumaya2700]

i'm a FA, yet i trust people pretty easily even in love relationship but this thing about being hyper vigilant and mind Reader. it just rang a bell. i can't help analyzing absolutly everything and notice micro expression, change of behavior or notice whatever that's not usual and try to give it some interprétation. mistakes from the past taught me not to jump to conclusion , take time and let things unfold naturally to have a bigger picture of the situation. yeah, i agree with being able to read and attend people's need and feelings, but at some point, it gets so frustrating when it's not reciprocated (my love partner is a dismissive avoidant). he is a beautiful soul struggling with his avoidant attachment style. i watched most of your videos, and yes, because of his dismissive and self centered attitude, i was going back and forth about if i should just give up on the relationship because i crave connection and romanticism which he's unable to deliver. i felt frustrated and resentful for a while. i finally get to understand his issues and eventually decided to follow your adviced with dismissive avoidant: love and consistency. i really love him and dream of an everlasting love with him. he said he doesn't totally trust me yet. i wish there could be some device which allows people to scan people's heart. so, my lover could see how trustworthy i am.

[@robinjayne9556]

hidaya soumaya this sounded exactly like my situation. I am not sure he would take me back. How did you convince him after so many hurtful breakups? Thanks

[@SabiLewSounds]

Your story made me tear up. I feel this so deeply

[@ahmadjaber3611]

@@robinjayne9556 Soooo did it work? You got back?

[@robinjayne9556]

The Killer we aren’t together romantically. We are still close friends. I still love him. But I am slowly realizing it’s not me and I am not sure he is capable of loving anyone sadly :(. I am glad we are friends and hope we continue to build trust with one another. Thank you for asking

[@SebAlex427]

My story too !!I initated several breaks up as FA with DA bf. I love him so much...I trust him too..but he is very self centered and I don't feel.loved !! Knowing he loves me doesn't reciprocate in action left me to leave him . He's my friend now...

[@brinkman4925]

This may save my relationship. Thank you sooo much. I've been so confused with my girlfriend and unable to understand her feelings. everything you have said is so right on its crazy. i have trouble with her showing me affection but if i touch her back she seems fearful and withdraws from me. its really hard because i subconsciously put my hand on her to show her comfort and that i care about her but she says it freaks her out. always analyzing me trying to catch me doing something or catch me in a lie. if i so much as stutter or take too long to answer i get called a liar. she basically breaks up with me and 5 mins later she kissing and hugging me. its been extreemly difficult because i never realized but she always drank to keep herself relaxed, but now that shes pregnant she stopped drinking, all of this is coming to the surface and im finding out she was sexually assalted in her past by relatives. its been really rough because everything ive been doing to try and comfort her up untill now is actually a trigger for her. everything i do is a trigger, but she says she loves me. i honestly dont know what to do, so im watching your videos, because i touched her and we got in a big fight and she told me to leave and i actually left and it just got worse after that... lol i realize im venting to the internet.. thanks...

[@shanda01114]

@brinkman4925 Sounds like she has a ton of ptsd behind her sexual assault. Many sexual assault victims go through that. She should definitely see a counselor and you should look more into sexual assault videos to have a better understanding of her. Many avoidants have major trauma from varies things growing up.

[@brinkman4925]

@Shanda S funny you said that because she just had her second session and diagnosis today. It didn't have anything about attachment disorders but PTSD was the top of a few. Now she has a prescription for anti psychotic. We are hoping for the best 👌

[@shanda01114]

@@brinkman4925 That is lovely to know she has gone to get everything figured out. I admire your strength in being there through the process with her. It’s great to have a partner who desires to help you figure out what’s going on with you. Love it. Congratulations on the little one also! 🥰

[@abbasgirl8153]

​@shanda01114 how are things going? Did the drugs help her?

[@tserpillum3236]

Once again I took notes on the most important parts. Me and my fearful avoidant partner are struggling again, but by now I can notice the pattern. It's mostly in the beginning of the month that he retreats, after expressing quite possesive behaviour (which is highly unusual to him), and then he retreats for a day or two. However, we keep in touch through short messages during that time, and it's even him initiating that contact. This time I tried being open and loving, I tried showing him that I do understand what it's all about. And this time he also sounded like he's really sad about behaving like that, about being unable to match our energies. We struggle building a real connection because of his fear and my avoidance (I'm a dismissive avoidant; It takes two to tango anyway) even after 4 months of dating. I can't function on a small talk basis, I really crave a deep connection and he does so too, but it's maybe our dismissive sides that ruin every attempt. And yes, he has a history of leaving partners just like that, to many of them it seemed out of the blue, they never saw it coming. I can spot the pattern by now and can understand him in a way (Thanks to you, Thais!), but I can't guarantee on my ability to keep going on like this for long. Luckily I learnt not to take it personally, but it really does hurt anyway. After this video, I'll have things to talk to him about. Thank you so much, Thais! Your timing couldn't have been any better!

[@jessicasweet9739]

This made me cry. It’s so difficult to listen to these truths. Thank you for your knowledge. I appreciate it deeply

[@yasmem8]

Same 😭 I finally getting to understand myself

[@blankettheif]

Watching your videos because I thought I was in a relationship with a FA and that I was AA, but I've come to realise that me and my partner are both FA! I just lean more towards anxious and he leans more towards avoidant. Super useful videos, thank you so much for putting them out there!!

[@JessicaVoicedOut]

Dear Thais, I am SO grateful for you pouring your heart and this information out in the internet world. There are so many people, myself, my parents, my loved ones, that are fearful avoidant and I feel so blessed to have found (finally!) something that explains at the core, who I am, especially in romantic relationships. Thank you for being the teacher and the doorway for me and my life.

[@olivianicoleprice]

This is scary accurate. I’ve known about attachment styles and always thought I was preoccupied anxious. Finding out we are the disorganized attachment that swing like a pendulum depending on our environment or partners helped me realize I’m actually a fearful avoidant. The ending to this was spot on and will share w partner to better help explain. Thank you for the work you do. Helping heal us one epiphany at a time. 🖤🖤🖤

[@onegoodmichael]

Thais, this is SO helpful. If it weren’t for your beautiful generosity, I would be lost in my understanding.

[@No_1_Importantt]

Thank you! You're one of the most compassionate and empathetic people I've watched on KZbin. You've helped me understand myself and my partner. I appreciate you, very much. Thank you, again!

[@annaw4551]

my mind is completely blown away. i’ve always looked at my past relationship as times of being healthy vs unhealthy. nope, just times of reciprocated attachment vs unreciprocated attachment! it makes a lot of sense now. thanks thais!

[@LeeChrissy]

The over sharing part is so important. My DA and I are both having a tough time in life at the moment that's completely unrelated to us, and even though he is about to break down, he still took the time to message me and explain what's happening and why he can't talk or see anyone at the moment. Considering the fact that I (an FA) am feeling similar, I told him to take his space and I'll take mine and I love him and we'll talk when we talk. This is so important. I feel like we are finally starting to get each other. If this happened a year ago, he likely wouldn't have shared so much and I would've likely swung to my anxious side and internalized this as something wrong with me even though it has nothing to do with me.

[@jeannievail]

We never had a fight or argument. We were texting for hours about what we did and didn't want in a relationship and he said I was his, "person to talk freely to without fear of being judged," and we were, "compatible in every way." After a few months of what felt like negotiating a relationship, and just when I thought I was about to move 2K miles away from my family and friends to build a new life with him, he got quiet. I have loved him for eight years already. I don't want to lose him. I find comfort and hope in your videos. Thank you so much.

[@nicoleflusk5434]

Did he come back?

[@jeannievail]

@@nicoleflusk5434 not yet but when I said I sensed he didn’t want to hear from me anymore he said I was welcome to reach out anytime and he liked knowing how I was doing. That was May 8th and I have promised myself a full year of being single, working on myself, and learning how to avoid making the same mistakes.

[@abbasgirl8153]

​@@jeannievailso he just checked out-of-the-way relationship and didn't tell you? Inhave been there and it is awful. I hope you are doing great!

[@AnimalSpirit777]

Thank you for such a compassionate video on the FA attachment style. Your videos are very helpful ❤

[@gnome50]

I came upon your channel in research of understanding my personal triggers & you’ve helped me to better understand not only my attachment style but that of others around me as well. Thank you❤

[@giovannahenery4725]

I want to be empathetic towards my FA husband, and I can feel that when he’s not around and I seek out your videos, but when he’s around and he’s in that “bad” place and saying and doing awful things to push me away, it’s really hard not to soak that in and take it personally. PS I’m anxious.

[@kellyv6075]

Nothing justifies saying or doing awful things. You dont deserve abuse ever

[@MellowBellow1]

If he’s abusive, there is no excuse. Being FA does not justify being abusive. If your husband can’t take responsibility for his poor choices then he needs therapy. It’s never your fault that someone else chooses to be abusive. Setting boundaries and telling him to stop and walking away to stay safe is important for you. You don’t have to home empathy for an abuser.

[@rosannatarsiero1132]

You're a godsent Thais! As a dismissive avoidant myself, I struggle a lot on how to soothe my fearful avoidant. These suggestions are priceless.

[@noemijoan6119]

Thank you Thais. Your videos help me so many times. ❤️ This is the most wholesome content of KZbin for me

[@nathanb605]

Thank you so much for the info. My GF of three years is a FA and we’ve been up and down but I’m willing to be there for her because I love her ❤️

[@bigbadlara5304]

So my exgf I think, like I don't know what we are honestly. Has not talked to me for over a week now. She got really upset over a miscommunication on my end. And just cut me off. Not blocked just reading and not responding to my apology for example. I figured out this past week she might be avoidant and maybe the fearful type. I really like this girl so I would actually be interested in trying to work things out together. If she wants of course and is willing to do so. So Im looking for some perspective. Did in your relationship something like this ever occur? Because a part of me really wants to move on if there is a low chance if this working out in the future. Since this took a toll on me.

[@nathanb605]

@@bigbadlara5304 I left her for good and found someone better

[@8teillumin]

I’m man enough to say that this made me weep and cry…. I have only just learned about attachment styles and I am an FA working on my self as I’ve just been dumped by my DA but I never new any of this I have always assumed I wasn’t a good person. All my relationships have been short and quick with plenty of space between and have gotten better each time but this time it was SO good but the fear was their and my DA triggered me but i didn’t know why… Sadly it’s over and she has moved on but in a really hurtful way…. Hindsight” and “If only” doesn’t really help much but I know now so next time it WILL be so much better

[@taran1156]

29 and never had a GF. So scared someone will love me so I just take a step back and watch people I’m interested in and who may be interested in me change their minds. I’ve asked out women 3x in the last 6 years, the first time I was told I was too good of a guy, the second time I was told she wasn’t interested in me while we were in a date and the last time I was ghosted. I want to feel good alone.

[@Nyasha13]

I cannot thank you enough for this video. This is so incredibly insightful.

[@NickAndonMusic1]

This is the first time I’ve heard this stuff and I wept like a baby. Thank you so much for communicating snd sharing this, I felt so seen. Wow.

[@tamikalambert6995]

I am in a relationship with a fearful avoidant...your videos have been such a blessing and so eye opening words can not begin to even describe the help your information has been not just for the relationship but myself as well i have an anxious attachment...please continue to share...

[@aban2169]

When the partner goes "I wish I could read her mind because WTF is going on with her??", this and 'Dating A Fearful Avoidant - What You Need To Know!' is the magic mind-reading hat. Thank you.

[@gracekelly1930]

I am so glad that I finally found a video which describes me and my needs completely. Instead of sitting down and trying for days over and over again to explain what I need or how I work I will show my parter this video. thanks so much for doing this.

[@CamBalacuit]

You are so knowledgeable. Thank you so much. I really appreciate your explanations. It helps me a lot to understand what's going on in a FA mind.

[@G5Ckxew]

Thank you for the microphone upgrade! Much better!!

[@MTG9878]

Well mine left again after giving her what she wants. Space, time, support. In the end she is scared of vulnerability, intimacy and commitment. Honestly I dont know why she came back after 2 months the last time knowing my feelings never changed for her and her daughter. Roll forward another 6 months I'm feeling more, I thought we were feeling more together at least that's what we talked about together. I bring her daughter in like she was my own kid. Then I get it's too much pressure and I'm pitting her daughter against her. Then she leaves again. I go full anxious mode even though I have been able manage my anxiousness with therapy until she just ups and goes. Then tells me I pushed her away. I am completely broken! I hope she never comes back. She knows something is wrong inside her just will not deal with it. I know enough of what I need to know. I do not mean to sound callous but go fix yourself, for your and your daughters sake enmeshment is next for her.

[@themysticmuse1111]

Right? DO THE WORK,DAMMIT.

[@zzzzbisonxzzzz]

If you’re like this, it’s not okay. Make an effort to be better, to be secure

[@Yasmin-rf2ne]

how enlightening

[@sophieradford]

Hyper-vigilance and feeling everything so deeply can be exhausting! Healing my wounds is something I continue to work on.

[@jeannievail]

After eight years of friendship, and finally both being single at the same time, he said he trusted me more than anyone in the world, there was, "a reason," I was one of only three people he hadn't cut out of his life, that at I was his, "person to talk to freely without fear of being judged," and we were, "compatible in every way." He even encouraged me to get my California nursing license and when I applied, he sent me the union agreement for a hospital near his house. I felt like the luckiest girl in the world, and then he went silent...

[@abbasgirl8153]

Did you ever hear from him?

[@jeannievail]

@@abbasgirl8153 yes, I hear from him often, almost daily or at least weekly. We’re closer than ever, but just best friends because he has had a girlfriend for about a year now. After he helped me plan my move, 2K miles away from my family, with the understanding that we were taking things slowly, just before my arrival he freaked out and jumped into a relationship with a woman he met at work. She confirmed that they only started dating six weeks before I got here. He waited until the day I moved into my new cottage to tell me he had a girlfriend. I was so hurt and angry, he spent all of December begging me to spend Christmas with them at their new house and I said I would rather eat broken glass than be paraded in front of his new girlfriend like I was some kind of old work buddy. He spent most of January begging me not to abandon our ten year friendship. By February I was hanging out with him and his girlfriend regularly, but it got too hard to pretend it wasn’t killing me inside. I tried to cut him off by telling him that I loved him too much to watch him making all of my dreams come true for another woman so we should be the kind of friends who wish each other well and remember each other fondly. He left me alone for about a week but neither of us could walk away completely. Slowly he kept reminding me that I was his best friend, he trusted me more than anyone in the world, and that I had been a stabilizing force for him. Since mid-May, he has been telling me that he loves me, fairly often, but his biggest fear is losing me to a failed relationship. He says the reason he jumped into a relationship was because he didn’t believe I would ever leave my family and underestimated my ability to be happy 2K miles away from home, but now he’s, “in too deep,” with his girlfriend not to see where things go with her. I have been trying to just think of him as a friend but the more we are together the closer we become and the more other people point out that we look like we’re head over heels for each other. It’s getting harder for both of us to resist each other so we don’t allow ourselves more than one or two drinks, and if it starts feeling dangerous I send him home, where he immediately starts texting me how hard it is getting to resist me. I’m not really sure what is going to happen but I have purchased a program in the hopes of improving our communication.

[@captainnatalie6937]

You are so amazing. Thank you so so much for making these videos.

[@jeannievail]

Noticing everything but also assuming a lot incorrectly because they don't ask enough questions or voice their feelings.

[@leticiateixeira3761]

Thank you so much for your content. I checked all the boxes AND I'm bipolar. Makes me sad but it's also helping me to sort things out. I've been making lists and writing about it (for myself, nothing public) and it's been slowly helping. Thank you!

[@gezor20]

I was with a girl and was overloaded with sweetness, she wanted me to move in with her, and we were talking about children names. This was after 2-3 months. I felt that her words were genuine but always felt, this is going a bit too fast.. as if she was in some sort of a hurry. Then we started in the "norming/storming" phase and suddenly she was gone.... and then a few months later came back... and was gone again... and came back... and now tells me i am a stalker, visit her street at night, stole stuff... its just absolutely crazy... i would not do anything of that. To me it feels just like she has been looking for, and found, reasons to not fall in love with me for real. But she once told me, psst dont tell anyone, but i feel really safe and happy in your arms, never felt like that before... what to do? I do really like her a lot :) Also, I guess I am the anxious one... so she did have her signals, that scared her. But I have always been open about self reflection, and been making a lot of progress. For example, havent even ever raised my voice to her. Im kind of proud of that actually :)

[@Coachnaimah]

She sounds like a Dissmisive Avoidant.. Who usually attract Anxious Avoidant

[@MrTheomighty1]

Lots of what you’ve added about the love bombing she paid for everything when we went out for meals, cinema even booked us a night away then all the things she wanted to do with me like bonfire, night horse riding going out on picnics etc etc and her feelings towards me grew so quickly I was so overwhelmed, I was shocked when she told me she loved me even tho I wanted to tell her, then the coronavirus hit so we haven’t seen each other for 12 weeks and then things had happened in the 12 weeks where she’s been dealing with her elderly dad and now mum, she was still affectionate in her final communication with me as she said she needs to be single for a while, so I have given her so far 10 days of NC which I’m finding it hard but if this is what she wants then she can have space and time, I’m of the anxious type as I’ve just taken the quiz

[@Usedtobeabandalore]

@@MrTheomighty1 she dumped you because she paid for everything. You weren't meeting her needs. She probably offered to pay and you just let her. I do that it's one of my tests

[@lover3308]

Wow this is so on point! You just described my boyfriend

[@Mokkel73]

I realise that this is me. I just destroyed the most beautiful relationship because of this. I will dig into this.

[@michaelle87]

I’m a fearful avoidant. I even have psychic dream about my xpartner. It’s so painful for me to be in relationship. I’ve been single all my life because of that. I just pushed all of my partners away. Wow.

[@andyroddis2265]

My ex was abandoned as a child, had one abusive relationship after another, she warned me in advance when we started dating that if she feels close to someone she is known for going away and 'hiding'. Two weeks ago she had a meltdown, lots ex's harrassing her, we were getting close and talking about futures together, then she messaged me saying how she sees our souls intwined in the stars , how she loves me, how she longs to be mine and cherish my heart. BUT that right now she needs to 'go away and either re-invent herself or wither away' and she needs to go 'into hiding ' she told me I was the most important person in the world to her , then she BLOCKED me! .. I am so confused. All her socials have gone offline ,(I had a friend look) it's like she's disappeared. It's been 14 days now and I haven't heard from her. Should I try and contact her? Offer support? How long should I wait? The way we spoke last really didn't feel like the problem was us.

[@tahnaasmussen9851]

I feel like you are reading from the story of my life!! I have never identified with something so strongly. Thank you so much for seeing me.

[@thelightnessofbeing-asmr6505]

Thank you for your work! Greatly appreciated!

[@5musictomyears5]

I wish I found you months ago because knowing all this information could have saved my relationship :(

[@bogwitch2792]

If it's any consolation, I did know all of this -- and it changed nothing. We were two FAs in a relationship but only I did my work. They said that they always felt very safe with and understood by me and that I have helped them tremendously in understanding themselves, but when they became triggered and immediately broke it off, my words suddenly fell on deaf ears. They wouldn't listen. They couldn't listen. I knew exactly why they were acting this way but I was powerless to stop it, because at the end of the day you cannot control other people. They have to want to change. Sadly, mine didn't.

[@Lovedis4]

Thank you so much for putting light to this. I struggle immensely with expressing my feelings though I have such deep feelings. I look forward to being able to take the courses

[@yamieden4350]

I have been watch Thais for a few months now. I think her school is absolutely wonderful. I have so many different reactions to fearful aboidants in general. Number one I'd like to say I empathize fully with each of them I genuinely do. But in a way I am also upset at how many of them act. On many places and websites there are reasons for avoidants are who they are due to trauma. That is something I understand completely. There are many FAs who struggle so much and are extremely anxious and have anger outbursts. I definitely understand that. But after years I'm confused as to why many never learn as time progresses with new partners. To a certain degree many of them must know they have certain issues and allt of time they cause their own turmoil. I do know one who has gotten violent. Only to justify his behavior. Treated me very badly on many occasions and also has been the best on many occasions. I'm not here to bash fearful avoidants, although I do get super annoyed by many of their comments. The point is and I mean this, if you know you have underlined issues, you have to take accountability for your actions. Period. That's just what we know as a general rule. My FA blamed for his triggers. Got upset at things that made no sense. Been very pessimistic on almost every holiday. Has even hit me twice and the blamed me. I'd like to say I was about 85 percent secure upon meeting him. He made me belive he was the best man I've ever met. He made alot of statements that portrayed his love for me. To only then not call bavk and ignore me for hours or sometimes even days. I was very accepting and patient for about 4 months before I just literally needed a week to myself. Of course he called and apologized and we made up. Aftwr much more time passed he was a liar. He made false promises and would all of the sudden question my love for him. It confused me and hurt me. He's even left me for 21 days once because I was upset with how distant hw was and had gotten a slight attitude. He came back with a sorry and nothing more. As time progressed I realized how socially awkward he was. Sitting in a corner on every holiday..I didn't take it personally many times but once in a while I would just be so angry at him for how selfish he was. Time went on and he would be hot and cold.he never once told me something was wrong internally. All his behavior came across as a huge jerk who made up stories and told me what I wanted to hear. He said awful things many times but in the initial states of dating I would explode with anger because I am human. He made no sense and caused alot of chaos in my heart mind and soul. To top it off he never had gotten into any solid explanations. If I spoke he'd tell me to be quiet. And shif off my emotions pretty much. That's wrong btw. He then would get extremely aggressive mean and irrational with any type of communication about how I felt or crying. He was insensitive and rude. He left on special occasions often. And never fully was honest in opinion. Now I understand why but you can only imagine how I felt. My point is if you have issues keep far away from relationships.it is mentally damaging to others. I wasn't heard ,ignored, blamed, hit, yelled at and verbally abused and mentally shut down. This is what happens when you have no self awareness and proceed to believe a new partner will fix you. Please seek the help you need before letting your partner become the stand in for abuse you've faced. It not right at all. And they kind of make it ok with these videos. I think thais should mention the impact your behavior can have on others mentally. I was fine until he came. I still love him and do wish things weren't this way. I cried many nights about not only what he's done but what he's faced. And how he was the love of my life and mentally I couldn't handle him anymore. Had I known what I know now, it would have probably made such a difference to a degree. But it will never take away fd all the pain he caused me and deactivated after. I think change can always happen. I believe in the struggles and hardships they and DAs have been through. I often wonder if they can turn normal people anxious. Or can a fully secure person handle them prior to change. It was an extremely painful relationship and I miss him everyday. He's even started many fights with me, I guess just to see when I'd leave but would threaten to leave me frequently. This by far is the last and only FA I'd ever be with. And many comments show how much hurt you cause as a FA. People abandoned by you only to realize you love us but are so frightened. Sad but my experience, hoping to inspre many to seek help and refrain from lashing out.

[@paniq_fnite]

when she’s describing my personality and other people I know. 😌💯🤗

[@Stopstalkingme333]

Yes as a FA with PTSD I notice EVERYTHING but try very hard not to. It doesn't work to ignore it no matter how hard I try. Growing up I was always told that "you need to stop being so sensitive", by my mother and other family members and even later by my spouse early in our marriage. I hate it because it makes me feel like some kind of social outcast a lot of the time. I do everything I can not to take how people are acting, walking, tone of voice personally. My husband twitches when he doesn't want to talk about something or is upset. I try hard now not to let it get to me or read more into it. People's moods can really get to me and drain my energy so I try to avoid the situations and people that I know will cause me to be more moody and feel unsafe.

[@emilybogen2489]

I want you to know you have helped me SO much. Your voice and your knowledge and your compassion is exactly what I need. Thank you.

[@Karynwashere]

This is so me! I overanalyze EVERYTHING, and all the core things you discussed are so relatable to me. I grew up in such a dysfunctional, dismissive, and heartbreaking child hood.

[@daniellemichayla]

Wow. You really hit the nail on the head with this one.

[@AB-qs7vw]

makes so much in my life make sense now with my spouse. Thank you!

[@zamil6259]

Thank you so much for this. Now I understand why I do what I do. This is going to help me and my relationships so much. I have work to do ☝🏼

[@evonne315]

I wish I found this a long time ago. It explains me very well, I am grateful as I feel I finally found some understanding to my patterns, and its nice to know you have a way out of them!

[@nola8504]

This is such valuable information to understand ourselves and our loved ones more.

[@fringbabyross4718]

I’m so grateful I’ve found you and this information. It came at the perfect time 🙏

[@kibuladesire8019]

I like watching all your videos, it's not difficult to love anybody. And love is easy. Many thanks for your knowledge. .

[@robinjayne9556]

That is so me. I wish I could send it to my ex 😞

[@cellocello1762]

robinjayne hope you are well, be nice to yourself 😘

[@SK-no2pp]

You should! Life is short

[@kristinaldridge1712]

Do a video on how to get a fearful avoidant back after they have decided to end it because they thought it was "too serious"

[@zacx5188]

kzbin.info/www/bejne/npK1aqejqrmEoas

[@dustinquinton]

Omg. I would get in an argument with my ex wife, and sometimes I would get upset. I would just want her to hug me, but she wouldn’t. I felt very alone. It was just like my childhood all over again. I’ve done a lot of work on myself. I’ve learned ways on how to soothe myself, which helps me not to get so upset.

[@motionmuse5684]

great video. learning we are both FAs and when triggered I go anxious, he goes avoidant. it's good to know what He/I need and its feeling safe, and that they actually do need some space. it's like he didn't even realize but I noticed how he acts after 2 days straight together but he swears, no I dont need that much space etc. and yes, general [not personal] trust issues. anyway, trying to educate myself on FA relationships. thank you! 💓

[@kc-oshawaters8311]

thank you! really want to affirm your value and grateful for your courage and willingness to share your wisdom

[@sw1216]

Thanks again, Thais! Great video and looking forward to taking more of your courses! Its so inspiring to see a FA who has overcome the stories, etc... and contributes so much to others in a healthy way. ❤

[@WMWag-bs5sf]

Fun to see your shared and informed excitement and passion for attachment styles and helping others to heal. Excellent job and thank you!

[@mommyg247]

You are reminding me of my bf!! You described him! Its hard when he gets in a mood this has been the longest one he's been in since we have been together!! It's been rough!

[@ShimmerSoulSong]

So True. All this. Sigh. I always want a hug after argument or during overwhelm. To feel like I dont need to figure it all out alone for us both and to be reminded to breathe and looked in the eye, hear words and tones that are compassionate. Given empathy and affection.

[@denisejaydub]

So grateful for all the knowledge you share. I now feel heard and understood and understand myself so much better when you describe me to a T. Thank you thank you thank you beautiful lady

[@mummajam]

I watch all your videos I love them so much they have helped me alot! Thankyou 😄 I'm going to have a look into the courses!

[@chrismccaffrey8256]

Wow! Just wow! Describing both myself and my love interest perfectly 😂

[@KizzleTheKonqueror]

Thank you so much for making these, I hope you understand how wonderful you are

[@USSJ2Otaku3084]

This is good to know 🤔. I'll definitely take this under consideration 😅. I will remember this video. I'm the Secure type. I have a good feeling that the person I'm connected to is an FA type.

[@msplant]

That is so good to hear these things. Thanks for the tips and sharing.

[@thisispi1491]

You are absolutely wonderful person! Huge thanks! :):):)