Fearful Avoidant Attachment Style in Friendships

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In this video I'll talk about how the fearful avoidant attachment style behaves in friendships.
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Thank you for watching!

[@hgracia11]

1. Put a lot of value, energy, and effort into relationships. Caretakers, emotional nurturers, have deep presence, go-to person for connection. Slow to warm up and open up. 2. Sometimes overcommitted having too many friends that they “nurture” but have no space for more emotional connection - Out of balance in relationship to themselves. 3. People deeply connect to FA because they offer deep care and connection 4. Don’t share or ask for the same things from friends. 5. Not much wounds in friendships because they don’t put as much emphasis on trust in friendships vs. romantic relationships 6. Avoidant when overcommitted or burnt out 7. Come and go from friendships easily but make friendships easily 8. Do not communicate when a relationship is out of balance 9. Experience the attachment style of AP (wanting connection) and FA (avoiding connection) 10. Experience exclusion wounds - Fears of being disconnected, disliked, not belonging, and can rehash social situations. Need a lot of alone time but not as much as DA. 11. Codependent patterns - Caretaking without expressing own needs and feelings

[@rashiagrawal1426]

Yes please do a video series on reprogramming attachment styles in terms of friendships!!💕✨👍🏻🙏🏻

[@IronX77]

Intro ends at 1:50

[@KoreanwithNaz]

Life saviour

[@pilzelfe]

thank u beb

[@wordsretainpower6250]

Thank you lol my adhd can only handle so much lol

[@winniekirui5487]

Yes, please do a part 2 of this series and teach us how to reprogram our attachment styles in our friendships. I want to learn to take better care of my friends while still being in a healthy relationship to myself. Thank you so much 🤗🌸

[@rajkumar-ux2qg]

Are you a fearful avoidant too ?.......

[@mismiserables]

Fa avoidant here and I don't feel like I do any emotional stuff in friendships. I'm not really close to friends. I also barely have friends.

[@gummies2014]

I don't relate to putting a lot of value, effort, and energy into friendships. I'm so stingy with my alone time that I instantly feel trapped by friends who want to hang out more frequently than I'm comfortable with.

[@zaracassid8631]

You are likely to be dismissive avoidant.

[@liamnewsom8583]

Bingo, but then I feel guilty and want to be close and offer of myself 😂

[@mercymunoz1408]

@@zaracassid8631 not really. This person can still be a fearful avoidant but just leans dismissive when they have friends who are more anxious or simply want more availability than they want

[@zaracassid8631]

@@mercymunoz1408 I disagree.

[@nebulasofia]

That sounds like only an avoidant

[@metanoia8517]

Starts at 1:53

[@A-list]

So Fearful-Avoidants are better with friends but suck as romantic partners 🙄

[@anacarolinaneves5311]

The moment I discovered this channel I knew I was about to enter a whole new Universe. But now, watching this video and feeling every word ressonating to me, I'm sure that it changed my life hahaha. Talking bout this video. Everything makes sense, Thais. Specially when you say we get tired of overdedicating time to hear and support our friends as a form of hiding our own needs somehow. When I get fed up of doing that, I usually blow up with anger. But that doesn't last long, I often end up with guilt. Guilt is my home.

[@rashiagrawal1426]

Personal boundaries and having a real friendship with trust for the first time in my life has helped with this a lot.💕✨ Also creating more space from people who aren't real friends!

[@anacarolinaneves5311]

@@rashiagrawal1426 Hey! I'm glad to know you're improving yourself on that! I always thought I was good at friendships tho but hahahha. Congrats

[@rashiagrawal1426]

@@anacarolinaneves5311 Thankyou! Oh I just mean keeping distance. Realising there is no point of exhausting your energy for people who are not on same page or are not good for you. Not giving them space in head , on a phone call unless important and just keeping distance in all! Oh and you can be good at keeping friendships and yet not have met anyone who totally understands you and you feel you can completely trust ;)

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

We're so happy this video resonated with you... thank you for sharing your experience on the matter as well - PDS team member

[@anacarolinaneves5311]

Rashi Agrawal wow! that’s amazing. definitely something that i should give a try. too much energy being wasted trying to please everyone hahah thanks for sharing!!

[@lautour]

it's not my fault I'm just so likeable and understanding leave me alone

[@freedom8744]

Yes, I had to learn how to set boundaries and express my needs. Other people don’t read our minds so guiding them in a mature way is very helpful. Very enlightening video thank you! 🙏

[@Taratreehugger]

I am so obviously a fearful avoidant in romantic relationships, but I don’t identify as much in friendships. They aren’t easy for me to make. I do connect well with people but then I get anxious and don’t want to keep connecting and tend to avoid social situations - especially one-on-one. My early friendships as a kid were with fearful avoidants too and I tended to be the anxious one. I don’t know if that has anything to do with it. But when someone is available and wants to connect, I tent to feel disinterested in them.

[@jillianmartin4260]

This is exactly me as well.

[@janeharris6734]

Omg....this sooo me, except for the co-dependant bit.....have learnt to say 'no', take time for myself and NOT feel guilty or responsible for the other persons feelings. I so love your videos Thais......l am looking forward to starting your courses this weekend 🙏💜

[@MegaAsh1988]

thank you for this! I would like more content on friendships. I experience the codependency and overgiving and then comlplete shutting down. Also how does one communicate the relationship being out of balance without being hurtful? I also experience a lot of gaslighting from myself in relationships and a lot of the times its so difficult to own up to my own discomfort and boundaries. A lot of shame and confusion comes up here and this leads to a shut down. How does one make their way back after a shutdown. i also experience constantly making calculations and looking at patterns when i'm spending time with someone, instead of just being. Also want to be the most perfect version.

[@squibie100]

A friend recommend me these videos. My life is about to change. Thank you...

[@lodz8666]

@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool there needs to be more video on avoidant attachment affects friendships. There are so many people suffering in those kind of friendships

[@katemitchell7837]

I love this topic! Scripts for how to communicate with friends would be very helpful!

[@goulnazgalieva3121]

I have a new friend like that. They are too high maintenance, I have tried to understand them for months. I'm out

[@springpoarch7772]

Could you do a video on self soothing as a FA? I'm struggling a lot with self soothing I think I understand the meaning but not how to do it...

[@heyowazzup8900]

So accurate. Thank you, Thais.

[@Quietstorm_1010]

Ohhh this is so me! Every single point 🤯

[@ab-yp2gn]

That was a great video, thank-you

[@jzixjndmxox9]

You're a lifesaver! I hope you know that. I love you and your channel! - From a DA subscriber :)

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

Thank you for your support Angeleah! - PDS team member

[@chartrapp]

I LOVE LOVE this video. I also feel a little sad for my FA friend whom I love very much but also sensitive to her vulnerability boundaries.

[@ant856]

THANK YOUUUU!!!!!! My best friend is FA and I sooooo want to be there for him. I lean AP but, have been on a healing trend. This is helpful!!!! 🙏🏽💙

[@christinagrant1]

Amazing insights Thais …

[@tabitharaj715]

Wow Thais!!! You are SPOT ON! This is my whole life - thank you!

[@mihayuli]

oh no... this is too accurate!

[@alyajewellery]

If I ever doubted my attachment style, this confirmed it. ❤

[@Crissynxander]

Historically, this video is super spot on. However, two years ago, my mother passed away and shortly thereafter, I formed a very close bond to someone who was an acquaintance before then. That was the neediest portion of my life, ever. It was the first time I had truly ever been "alone" in life, because my mother and I would always split all of our bills. And she would always watch my son as I worked(she was on disability). At that point, I found myself unable to work a normal job for a while, totally behind on everything, an emotional mess... And I did NOT expect Lesly to help me AT ALL. I would just honestly tell her what was going on... And time and time again- she OFFERED to help me... I was very grateful, but I found myself feeling weirdly guilty... I got back on my feet, and got a really great partner and I started to feel like our friendship was becoming a little more "even". But, now my partner is in jail. And I am struggling again. And she made a really kind offer the other day, I could have said no but I didn't. And now... She hasn't talk to me in a few days... Which isn't abnormal, but I find myself totally freaking out because of the timing and the anxious part of my fearful avoidant attachment is coming out. Which has never really happened in my adult life. This is TRULY the strangest friendship I have ever had. I have went through periods of being avoidant towards her too, because I couldn't handle the guilt of knowing how good she has been to me... I just don't want her to be "done" with me. I have never, ever had a friend help me so much. USUALLY I AM THE HELPER, it is extremely weird... Still trying to figure out how to navigate this.

[@Ikr2025]

I can really relate to this as an FA. When we are really struggling in life and need help, friendships seem to turn out to feel ‘icky’ whether you are the one helping or the one being helped. Like it creates too much vulnerability, enmeshment, shame, oversharing, obligation, exhaustion and resentment. I often feel that only people with siblings who are supportive can really get that support without so much of the other emotional baggage that comes when we rely on friends.

[@christinagrant1]

Really amazing insights I feel like you literally are taking about me …. So helpful

[@madawageises2468]

I at a point in my life where I'm almost having a mental breakdown. I feel so alone in my friendships yet people just need need and need from me to hear them, be there, complain about their issues every time. I really want to switch off my phone and disappear and go silent until I feel like I'm just ready. I'm tired of this feeling

[@melina8157]

hey i feel the same! do you want to talk?

[@madawageises2468]

@@melina8157 Hey! It helps to talk here and there. Thank you for being so thoughtful

[@Haley_Halo]

It sounds like you cross your own boundaries to meet their needs, don't ask for them to meet yours and it has resulted in burnout. It's lonely when you can't address your own feelings because other people are always in need. Your friendships should be meeting some of your needs so that you are able to reciprocate, not bleeding you dry. You have needs and you deserve to be heard.

[@arkhamlyncole8100]

@Personal Development School - Thais Gibson That was a very descriptive video and hitting on the point that burns many FAs. Nonetheless I would like to clarify the clue which is the pillar of this educational video. You are probably referring to persons whose behavior stems from such environments like abusive, emotionally unstable (once love another frustration from parent to their child). So, I would like to bring a more complex matter on the table, without wishing to be regarded as the know-it-all or full-of-insecurities person, but just because I feel this is the case that applies to me (relationships=secure, friendships=FA). What if your parents had brought you up as emotionally hale, but your environment is abusive and hostile towards you, most of the time? I would be very glad of knowing you made a video with such thematology! Thank you very much, best wishes!!!👍👍

[@kirstinmeiring1201]

Quite accurate!

[@deidreevans2777]

Completely resonate with all of this

[@georgeeliot1256]

Can Thais consider doing a daily on friendship during the healing journey? I’m trying to discern which friendships present continued opportunities for growth versus ones I’m genuinely outgrowing. ☺️

[@HumbleWordsmith]

background and camera angles are much better then your other videos

[@vibrantthorn]

These videos have been pivotal for me and my growth. Definitely relate to the one-sided feeling. Thank you. At the moment, I don’t know what to do, I’m in an anxious state now after going very avoidant with a new friendship. I’m trying to force myself to be consistent but desire for intimacy is making me confused. Is there a video on how to handle being in the anxious state and trust own decisions?

[@uruuuuocean]

crazy how this is soooo me!

[@2legit178]

Love this 👌🏾 and girl I know u wanna get those words but u gotta slow down lol

[@daughteroftheking4492]

its like we need a script to read from because we never learned so it's not that we don't want to communicate it's how to communicate it without coming across as rude. INFJ personality here.

[@happinessloading1198]

Omg yessssss! I relate so much to this!!

[@kileywarrick]

Curious as to the PDS method of preparation for making a video like this ~ When a new topic is selected, is there a team of people collaboratively brainstorming the content of the video or are you spitballing based on experiences with previous clients? Either way, your ability to put these concepts into words and make inferences based on intuitive depth and critical thinking is beyond impressive and meaningfully positively impactful. Please never change!

[@legibitiqua2]

This is literally me!

[@forloveandasong0030]

Is it possible to do a video on projection? I find that FAs ascribe their feelings and patterns to me and at times when I'm mirroring their feelings back to them they again mistake these for my feelings... My own interaction with this FA started with them making disclosures, followed by a pulling away and show of indifference, refusal to acknowledge my presence, their knowledge of me. 😐

[@forloveandasong0030]

@@Alphacentauri819 I had a very specific interaction in mind and I referred to it simply because I found the experience fascinating in that the other person seemed confused about whose feelings they were indeed feeling. They did confirm that my reading of their feeling was correct. Based on my viewings of the videos here this confusion is partly due to enmeshment and I think partly due to hypervigilance, but I'm really interested in a discussion on the use of projection.

[@nataliaestrella8609]

@@forloveandasong0030 are you AP or DA? Because that might effect how your behavior is coming across.

[@taniadavis3803]

Part 2 would be helpful!

[@HumbleWordsmith]

oh jesus! it sounds like im doomed! how can we heal?

[@moonpriest8016]

Ironically because of my attachment style I haven’t had a relationship so when I watch these videos it’s always related to relationships and I’ve never had one so…… like rn I have a massive crush on a dude and I’m trying to open up to him and I go through cycles of telling him everything I feel and know and then not saying much at all and hiding my emotions. That’s the reason why I haven’t told him I like him, because I feel like I’d bring him down and I refuse it cos by now it’s pretty obvious. I hate it so much. I recognise that I sometimes when I open up to someone I sort of stop before it gets too far

[@louiseyoung1231]

Thank you...I'm mostly fearful avoidant. This is helpful. Do you have anything on disorganized attachment?

[@kate7932]

They are the same

[@louiseyoung1231]

Disorganized has all styles & can be based on the sitz.

[@kate7932]

Louise Young no. The disorganized attachment style is the fearful avoidant attachment style.. also called anxious-avoidant

[@louiseyoung1231]

@@kate7932 interesting. Never heard that but all the books I've read don't have the exact attachment names. And I've never heard several types of avoidants...but it makes sense. Thanks

[@kate7932]

Louise Young yes.. there are different ways to call the disorganized attachment style! Fearful avoidant might be tricky because the words don’t mention the anxious part, it’s not so intuitive.. but it refers to the same one! So both anxious and avoidant side of the spectrum! Disorganized because the child didn’t have a strategy to attach safely to the parent and have the needs met.. the “strategies” failed.. in fact due to trauma you become “disorganized” and later in life, especially in romantic relationships, like it was in the relationship with your parents you keep switching between the two opposite of the spectrum.. this is what trauma does.. I hope you understood now! 😊 There is another one that is called Dismissive avoidant attachment style often called short DA.. this is not the fearful avoidant or disorganized attachment style because it only has the avoidant part

[@KB1983.]

is whe from pretty little liars and You?

[@haleynic]

video starts at 1:59 The part where she is explaining the attachment style.

[@goddessoftheyin]

Your gorgeous

[@nataliaestrella8609]

Can you do a video on how the DA will act like their romantic partner is completely invading their space when they are with their friends.

[@nataliaestrella8609]

And how confusing that behavior is when they are simultaneously trying to silently transition the romantic partner from the friend space to the romantic space. When they give the romantic partner the friend label, but don’t treat the romantic “friend” as good as they treat their actual friends.

[@Stella-cv4mc]

@@nataliaestrella8609 omg exactly that happened to me. When I was around his friends, he suddenly treated me as an acquaintance, even though all the friends were aware we have a romantic history. My God. I hope she does a video on how the DA treats others!

[@aminahnadeemzafar4099]

Thanku for this video plz speak slower tho there are a lot of points im the video and also would love a second part

[@sarahgaylee]

You can change the video speed yourself in the settings if she’s speaking too quickly for you!

[@nayla3465]

Shouldnt people just get that there has to be an equal give and take?

[@manhalfamazing00]

Are there any statistics identifying men as being more fearful avoidant?

[@MsSexyAngel29]

That's me. -_-

[@jamesmalonda1521]

This thumbnail makes me feel judged and loved at the same time. I want to run away and listen to it at the same time. Terrified yet strangely aroused. Hi I'm fearful avoidant.

[@StephJ0seph]

Oh shoot you're literally describing me

[@spliffftube]

Dis me ah ha ha

[@Thehungrytravelers]

Wait no, this is me..

[@alirh1145]

can a fearful avoidant be anxious in relationships but be avoidant in friendships ?

[@bbygrlclr]

yessss! i am a FA, and I usually lean anxious in relationships and avoidant in friendships/family/acquaintances

[@alirh1145]

@@bbygrlclr thanks for reply

[@alirh1145]

@@bbygrlclr thanks for response hop she make a video about this

[@balicounselling1599]

Way too long intro

[@sarahcee1442]

I love your videos but I don’t think this is accurate

[@lisahanson5582]

I find you speak to fast for me.

[@becsutton848]

You can slow down the playback settings by tapping on the 3 dots in the top right hand corner

[@urirknme4172]

Sometimes if you close your eyes you can concentrate better on listening.

[@slaybotcom]

to me, friendship is very, very important and it's an important way for me to connect..and they do have a lot of "drama" for me (though im usually silent and more passive aggressive). i do not relate to this video and i find how under-created content about attachment in friendships is, upsetting