Dismissive Avoidant Relationship Repeat

[@lisasunshine7654]

My experience with that I was definitely open to my avoidants need for space and autonomy, and his fear of losing his independence. I did hold space for him, and I did give him many opportunities to do things on his own , knowing that he would enjoy that! However, I discovered that when he became withdrawn and faultfinding, it made me feel like I didn’t want any closeness with him and so just need for space turned into a lack of attraction between us! He became more and more withdrawn and fault finding , and I became fearful to talk about why he was withdrawn. So his need for space damaged both of us, even though I am much more securely attached.

[@SK-no2pp]

subconsciously avoidants are also looking for people with whom they can be very confident they are safe from abandonment. They may learn to get their needs met through non-demanding partners who fail to require real reciprocation, intimacy, conflict resolution and positive reinforcement, pursue indefinitely if they withdraw (the obsessive types who call multiple times a day), and give without being asked. Accepting attention without providing emotional security- a classic and often long-standing pairing of the anxious-avoidant relationship.

[@niar3214]

💯

[@tabithajax]

This is so helpful! I am DA, and with the help of your channel, I've been working really hard at meeting my needs for space while being more openly reassuring, affectionate, and forthright when I'm overwhelmed and need independence. However, I often find that my AP tries to "soothe" me in ways that HE would want - leaving me feeling smothered, guilty, and ultimately more triggered towards needing space. I try to fight the urge and meet him in the middle, but this video might be the perfect way to explain my stance to him. Hopefully it will lead to greater understanding between us. As always, thank you for all you and your team do.

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

I hope this helps! ❤

[@paige8361]

I am secure (maybe slightly anxious at times) and my ex is an extreme DA. Loved him to pieces, but I did the same as your AP by accident which I know now probably felt smothering to him. If you don't mind me asking, what would soothe a DA and make them feel nurtured and loved? By giving them space? Thank you for sharing and thank you in advance! ❤

[@malhunt7]

​@@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchoolThais, what degree did you get? I'm looking to go back to school, seeking guidance in terms of what pathway to take. I would really appreciate it. Love your work ❤❤❤

[@D_B6]

Beautiful, Tabithajax, and wonderful work, Thais!

[@shadybabe0711]

communicate! it shouldn’t be that hard, people can deal with a lot and opposites can work but communication makes much less torturous

[@timobrien2738]

Thank you so much. I'm a newly discovered DA and a lot of the issues I've faced in life are beginning to make a lot more sense. I've never been able to form a romantic relationship and have basically formed my life around independence and autonomy. Now I have to decide how much of this is a manifestation of a coping mechanism and how much is an actual desire to be free.

[@DM-wv6to]

Hyper-independence

[@ebonyjackson3198]

As a DA myself, I find a lot of peace and comfort in being alone at this point in my life.

[@howtosober]

I was one told that the Golden Rule may be "do unto others as you would have them do unto you," but the Platinum Rule is "do unto others as THEY would have you do [unto them]." This is just extra difficult with DAs because, in my experience, DAs don't reciprocate- and whatever you finally do get from them takes so much work on your part that it's not even worth it by the time they start showing up. The classic case of "too little, too late."

[@paige8361]

Wow, I really love the Platinum Rule! That is such an awesome way to put it and the greatest way to love someone. I will use that from now on. Thank you!

[@jamielacerte9806]

I'm trying. I am sorry if it's too late, but I am trying. I love you. I want you in my life.

[@lauraschleifer4721]

This is so true the other way around as well -- the Avoidant leaning person giving the other person endless amounts of space because that's what they would want, so they assume everyone else does, too. And I feel like this problem can be compounded even more when gender stereotypes get thrown into the mix. For example, a man assuming his avoidant-leaning girlfriend/wife will want connection because "that's what women want", or a woman assuming her anxious-leaning boyfriend/husband will want space because "that's what men want." The sooner we can stop talking about attachment style like it is synonymous with gender, the better.

[@IIAmHorseLover]

Can we talk about why DAs disrespect you and turn mean when they disassociate? Before coming back months later to reengage and not talk about what happened at all/no accountability?

[@anzelaiv]

Sweeping things under the rug is a coping strategy for DAs due to the inability to engage in conflict, especially with highly emotional or critical people, but being disrespectful is not a trait exclusive to DAs. Everyone can act in a disrespectful manner towards someone at times without realizing it. It's more about what we consider disrespectful and what meaning we give to the actions of others.

[@LeeChrissy]

​@@anzelaivgreat points. I'm a FA and before I started PDS I had a sharp tongue because I was ignoring my own needs and boundaries but blaming it on the DA. I know plenty of AP's who get disrespectful and controlling when things aren't going in the direction they want as well. My ex DA was never disrespectful. We were just on different pages with what we were both looking for.

[@ombra711]

​@anzelaiv So much this. People are always in the comments blaming some of the worst things on a person being a DA..a lot of times it just sounds like their an overt ahole, and I wonder if they were ever a DA to begin with😒

[@SK-no2pp]

What you permit, you promote. Have a boundary.

[@blackwidow2679]

Why DAs disrespect you and turn mean when they dissociate? I dated a DA who showed the exact behavior. When a DA is triggered and dissociates, it's almost like a panic attack. They will do and say just about anything to get away from the person who is causing the panic attack. Once they get their fears under control, they return. If you're waiting for a apology and a DA to discuss the situation, you're going to be waiting for a long time.

[@bbli-bq5xj]

DA: I want love and someone who truely loves me. DA gets what he wants: Oh no Im not in love with this person.I want someone who doesnt give a shit about me and dismiss me. Then I guess i can fall in love. DA gets what he wants again: Hell no it hurts I want someone who loves me and cares about me. And the Cycle repeats 🔃

[@compassionandwisdom4311]

Amazing how you describe my last big relationship. May all people who are caught in the trap see videos like these and find their way out. Thank you Thias

[@paige8361]

DA's feel and experience love an entirely different way (like a total 180) from most of the population. Warmth and all the "traditional" ways humans show affection and care is SO foreign to them. It's really heartbreaking to think about.

[@JacobCarlson-uq1my]

Wow that's very interesting.

[@asmallbitchybanana]

I remember when i was caring for my ex DA last year. Both of us got Covid, one after the other. I got better first and we dont live together. He lived a lady who was immunocompromised because of an illness and i told him to stay with me for a couple of days tIll he got better so he wouldnr make her sick. He stayed over, i ordered food all weekend, i even spoon fed him soup. As a kid, when i was sick, i remember how my mom would care for me. She would wipe my bldy down when i had burnings fevers to bring my tempersture down. She would also wake me up, to give me my cough syrup medication. Naturally this is how i take care of others too. Im also a homecare aide, i just naturally care for people. When he was here, i was wiping him down, and waking him up for medication as well. It seemed to piss him off. He said “ let the sickness take its course”. That day was a real eye opener for me. It really made me see the avoidant side of him and day by day i also found myself trying to hold back and even when things were going well and status quo, there was just a feeling i couldnt shake off that there was something wrong. It will take a good amount of time for me to even be able to process what i went thru and really want to start being in a committed relationship again. Being with a DA actually made me rethink relationships moving forward.

[@JacobCarlson-uq1my]

@asmallbitchybanana So nice to read your thoughts, I'm trying to grasp all of this& every piece helps.

[@asmallbitchybanana]

@@JacobCarlson-uq1my it can be a difficult topic to navigate and it can be an overwhelmingly tougj thing to deal with when you lean anxious. Keep watching the videos, and working on yourself. Im planning to do a short video of my experience with my avoidant ex soon. Just to help others see it from an ap point of view.

[@JacobCarlson-uq1my]

@asmallbitchybanana Nice,thank you!

[@sifublack192]

You definitely got the nail on the head with this one. My ex hated it when I told her I needed space and would often say she was "worried about me" when I did. It's now clear she was projecting HER needs into me. One point about the conscious vs subconscious mind is I've learned to do what needs to be done regardless of how I feel. Because of this, I've been able to accomplish SO much more than I thought I ever would. I think this is one of the secrets of changing those subconscious thoughts. Great video!

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

Glad you liked the video :)

[@D_B6]

Would you please explain: "One point about the conscious vs subconscious mind, I've learned to do regardless of how I feel...." ? Thank you!

[@sifublack192]

@@D_B6 sure! What I mean by this statement is that although I'm a DA, I don't let my fears prevent me from taking action. I know my triggers because I've always had to fend for myself, so I make sure I have "all my ducks in a row" so to speak. For example, I know I don't like to depend on other people, so I have a rule that I never enter into a situation where I have to. This could be a living situation, a business partnership, or just a road trip. Now I definitely will ALLOW a person to help with bills, expenses, etc, but I will not DEPEND on that person. The same applies with a romantic relationship. I recently had a friend's wife tell me how he cheated on her because he "felt lonely" in the relationship (this is someone with 3 kids mind you). In this situation, I would take up a hobby where I can meet other people so I wouldn't be tempted to pursue a romantic relationship with someone else (the temptation can be high because I work as a personal trainer and regularly train attractive housewives). It really just comes down to understanding your triggers and using logic to keep yourself from reacting irrationally. Hope that helps.

[@D_B6]

@@sifublack192 Brilliant!

[@TanyaChisholm]

This comment thread is interesting. DA’s triggered by how they make others feel. People who lean anxious can obviously feel crowding, IF they are actually anxious. but so much of the time DA’s present differently at the beginning of a relationship and secure people who are empathetic and want to understand them then become very anxious, bc the whole DA vibe is “stay away from me until I want you.” While I have empathy for the wound, it’s the very opposite of what a relationship is for. If you want to be alone until you need your needs met, then don’t be in a relationship. Be in a situation ship where you’ve clearly communicated the small amount of intimacy you can stand. Don’t act like you are capable of an instincts relationship, and then punish your partner for wanting a normally intimate relationship. DA’s create anxiety in relationship bc the only reason to be in a relationship is to enjoy meeting one another’s needs. Otherwise you can just be happy as a single person. “If DA’s could communicate their needs they’d have partners who’d show up for them”

[@robertadcox8419]

The whole DA world in a single paragraph.

[@asmallbitchybanana]

Right when my ex DA and i became official, he disappeared for two days. I said, i thought you ghosted me, (he slrrady ghosted me in 2018), because it seemed like you pulled away when we just made it official. He said i thought we were just being adults, understanding that when we dont call or talk, rhat its understood that both of us just lead busy lives. I said yes i understand, it would just be nice to hear that you didnt bolt again when things were getting serious.

[@dylanjames1523]

DAs can't communicate our needs because we don't know what we need. We just know we need space to meet our own needs because we're afraid that you'll reject us if we ask you to meet them for us.

[@shanawilson9767]

@@dylanjames1523 if i could pin a comment, this would be the one.

[@shadybabe0711]

so perfectly said. I just ended a relationship and didn’t know till recently that he is a DA and now that it’s over he is not accountable for any of the issues and blaming me for being critical and the things I complained about were normal things most women would complain about. I believe I am trauma bonded due to his hot cold nature and he made me super co dependent with his lack of affection and communication. He wouldn’t compromise or try to work on anything and ultimately ran away like always. Now I’m left shattered like I have never felt and honestly fr he isn’t worth any of the trouble, anyone would think he is a trash human but he made me so crazy and brought out the worst in me. Now funny enough he is just chilling cold Af like always while I am in deep shame over ever making him feel bad about himself which was never my intention but I started so sweet and patient about things and lost my patience eventually which I am not proud of. I realized I am always dating broken me and wanting to heal them and fix them but apparentlyI have something broken in me that I wasn’t even aware of. He did start out pursuing me and being amazing and fulfilling my needs but shortly after became a totally different person and I was left dealing with an empty shell waiting for the man I fell in love with to return but not really liking the real him at all because he was just mirroring me at the beginning.

[@MeAnINFP]

I think DAs are attracted to people who use them. But if it’s someone who actually wants to care for them they push them away and it often doesn’t make it to the relationship stage. Attracted to what you know…

[@asmallbitchybanana]

How i wish there was a DA bible. Lol. We could just open it and consult when they piss us off. Lol .

[@jessealexander6155]

I swear on my soul I just said this today to a buddy of mine !

[@ebonyjackson3198]

As a DA myself, I've often attracted /fallen for unavailable partners; Emotionally unavailable, workaholics, involved with someone else, etc. I didn't realize I was modeling the neglect I experienced as a child in my adult relationships until I started doing the work on myself. Anyone that showed vulnerability or true care and affection for me scared me away because that meant I would have to reciprocate, which terrified me because of my fear of rejection. This channel and therapy really does help you see your patterns.

[@indiakxoxo]

I agree. I said this today to a friend. They find a weird comfort in chaotic situations.

[@aries7176]

I agree! And people who manipulate them. My DA was in such a relationship with his ex- spouse.

[@roshalllambert]

I loved the point about projexting from perception and being misunderstood!!

[@fortyfourandgore9787]

What's frustrating is most of the advice on this puts the onus for managing the relationship dynamics or changing on everyone else BUT the DA.

[@cornwallismorgan874]

Not really. It's just getting the anxious person to acknowledge that the DA also has needs. The AP/FA mowing over the DA is what causes them to shut down or ghost, so an AP/FA learning to interact with the DA will often lead to really amazing results. And if you watch Thais's content on the other attachment styles, she gives insight into how to interact with them as well.

[@asmallbitchybanana]

@@cornwallismorgan874more often than not, AP’s know what the DA needs are. The issue lies in the DA’s non verbal communicstion, ghosting, and lack of communication or ability to move the needle. As a matter pf fact, AP’s do this thing with needs ten steps ahead to the point where its smotherimg. What AP’s need to do is practice self awareness to know that when the DA is not showing up, to no longer stay in the relationship and move on.

[@cornwallismorgan874]

@@asmallbitchybanana The issue can't possibly only lie on one side. You said yourself that the AP is smothering. This is extremely triggering to the DA, who often isn't allowed by the AP to actually verbalize their needs and have them met.

[@asmallbitchybanana]

@@cornwallismorgan874i know and i was explaining from my perspective what issues i saw on both sides. I never say that the DA is to blame ever for the failed relationships. I always think of the saying it takes two to tango.

[@cornwallismorgan874]

@@asmallbitchybanana "I never say that the DA is to blame ever for the failed relationships." Which is incongruent, because in your previous reply, you specifically said "The issue lies in the DA’s non verbal communication, ghosting, and lack of communication or ability to move the needle." So APs sit there overanalyzing every little thing and picking up on teeny tiny perceived microaggressions, blowing them out of proportion, and causing problems as a result, so the DA creates distance, but somehow only the DA is the problem here. And the great and glorious solution to this problem is not for the AP to resolve their trauma so their behavior changes, but to leave as a response to the DA being shut down by them. Poor advice at best. Real self-awareness is knowing how you're contributing to a toxic dynamic or to the deterioration of a relationship, and then putting in the work to correct it. APs don't know a DA's needs. They know the needs of their abuser. It's why they shotgun solutions until something works, but at no point do they ever truly listen to a DA's needs and meet them. And that is why the DA creates distance in the first place.

[@jessicamorales2555]

How subtle this concept iz!

[@ZhengSW]

My DA ex blocked me after our almost 4 year relationship. She did this to have all the space she missed from those 4 years.

[@dclarke2179]

Definitely more to the story

[@ZhengSW]

@@dclarke2179 There is more but think of the poor folk who don't know anything about attachment theory.

[@Mississippian]

I love how you say DAs attract neglectful partners. My DA says women from his past "just took and took and never gave". Words you don't want to believe from a DA! I asked, "And what did you need from them?". His response "someone who can just be with me!". How heartbreaking that he felt no one could be there for him. It takes one person in a relationship to stop this cycle, and we all have the capacity to be the authentic connection that invokes new healthier patterns in our relationships.

[@TamagoEgg]

Because DAs don't speak of their needs. It's not they are truly 'neglected' but they are not able to communicate the ways they want to be loved, which needs them to he vulnerable. It sounds simple that DAs(or everyone) only want people to love them but it's actually more complex than it is to actually get to that point. It needs both parties to work.

[@anewlifestirring]

I wonder if we should say they attract neglectful people or rather say they end up by repulsing caring people and only manage to keep neglectful people who stay at a comfortable distance ?

[@sparrowwilson4514]

I find this hilarious. All my DA ex ever did was take from me and he begrudged having to do anything in return. Literally anything. He would roll his eyes about it. Even though I’d make him dinner, wash his clothes, drive places to do errands if he asked, whatever else he wanted. He was the most selfish person I’ve ever been with.

[@TamagoEgg]

@@dozzzinggg Yes. It gets exhausting when DA can't be vulnerable which eventually leading people to not care so much anymore and move on with improving with their lives, then the DA feels that they are being neglected and unloved. There's a fine line between being loved VS wanting attention only when they need it.

[@Mississippian]

@talithahope4779 That's right, and the video shows exactly why DAs feel neglected by anxious leaning people, because they can't meet a DAs need, its no wonder they ghost.

[@dentrout9383]

I wrote an 18-page letter with no spaces; thinking that my ex needed more transparency and understanding. Not a word in return. Except for a month later he wrote me seven bullet points of why it wouldn't work. The points all revolved around superficial things that had nothing to do with what I wrote. But the points really leaned more towards him being mad.

[@Badmomsclub]

I’m a FA… I give my DA ALOT of space and then he feels like I’m ignoring him?? I get confused on what the right thing to do is??

[@blaria95]

I've been in a DA relationship. He would text about an R rated life. And I hope that one day he won't have to forever sting with his internal wounds. :(

[@JamesTrouten-gf1zm]

Great stuff have to pause for station

[@ychambers5460]

VERY helpful! Thank you!!

[@MDF-xd3hw]

My AP Ex, offered and delivered 10 gallons of love and affection, but my DA hands could only accept 5 to 6 gallons.. I felt shame,because I knew my hands were overflowing and begged her to lower the pressure, but she would get offended and cycle continued until the relationship didn’t….

[@igray9091]

Thais, you have been so, so helpful to me, thank you. In this post though, you say something that I find problematic. As an AP, I get what you are saying about perhaps not meeting the DA need for alone time. But you also refer to the DAs investment in the relationship. My experience is that even after 10 years, the DA had not invested much in the way of trust and that she kept pushing the limits of sabotaging the relationship the more I tried to give her what she said she needed. Have you seen this or am I somehow imagining this?

[@SK-no2pp]

Avoidants may engineer romantic pseudo-relationships in their lives that enable them go a long time without having to deal with the realities of real daily intimacy, conflict resolution, and the dangerous feelings of dependency this can incur. This pattern only entrenches their habits and prevents them from learning vital relationship skills. You feel you’re in a “relationship” but in real life, they are not physically present tending to you in times of sickness, attending events by your side, or think about their partners feelings. The illusion of intimacy is created. Intimacy requires willingness and ability to disclose the true self, willingness and ability to rely on one's partner for comfort, support and nurturance, and the willingness and ability to provide this for a partner. But both the giving and receiving are very hard for an avoidant to do."

[@ralucamera6574]

They do not want to address their needs, it’s seen by them as a weakness which they cannot accept.

[@death2tyrants-D2T]

🔥I have understanding and compassion for those who were neglected and/or abandoned etc when they're young and I also understand how the trauma created from such experiences can affect those people when they're adults in relationships BUT the one thing I have personally experienced that is a running theme with DA's etc is their insanely cold n cruel ability to do a sudden 180 and then take zero accountability for their actions. Like a get out of relationship card without accountability for all the deep and severe hurt they cause. There must be a way to hold them accountable like the pain they cause and for the ADULTS they are. Watching them literally do a 180 and then take zero accountability for their brutally hurtful actions is insane and not right🔥

[@JacobCarlson-uq1my]

I'm not sure if I was dealing with a DA but what you had to say in so many ways rang a bell. I feel like I delt with those circumstances and it blew me away ,& I still can't understand the situation. I fully agree,I have complete compassion but I just don't understand how things ended up playing out the way they did.

[@JacobCarlson-uq1my]

Thank you for sharing that. It helps me realize I'm not alone🔥

[@misschanandelerbong7946]

What kind of accountability are you looking for? Does it work both ways, with those who caused DAs pain and anxiety being required to be accountable?

[@death2tyrants-D2T]

@@misschanandelerbong7946 Hi, I should've clarified that I did not mean some form of punishment accountability, or payback etc, I meant that during our time I was always accountable for my actions and had to respect her barriers, pace, etc. Then one day she does a totally cold, cruel and extremely shocking 180 and then vanished for over 2 weeks, comes back and then destroys every part of 'us' and now won't respond to me to talk. Of course (her father ) is responsible for the trauma created inside her and all of that I understand and can find compassion for. It's the hypocricy and refusal to deal with any of her actions and her refusing to communicate. The shock alone crushed me and the loss I feel everyday is relentless and never eases up. She is an adult and she should have to deal with her actions but she refuses to is what I meant. Now I miss her, can't move on and even if I could I won't be able to ever trust again. She repeated what happened to her onto me and like her father, left. How do you find healing with this when she won't even talk, nevermind be compassionate or show any remorse etc ? It's a living nightmare and all I did, truly, was love her fully and completely and do everything to make her comfortable....

[@D_B6]

@@misschanandelerbong7946 What kind of pain do you mean? By acting in what way to a DA?

[@madlen3015]

Hey thais, can u do a video about what the da thinks when they want to come back? Like do they not realise their pattern?

[@asmallbitchybanana]

To just chime in, i think they are smart people, but i think some DA’s are not the most self aware individuals. Think abt this for a second. If they are extremely smart and logical but in their relationships, they have the most conflict with others, most esp anxious leaning people, how can they be aware of other peoples needs and patterns, when they arent even self aware about their own and they even deny it to themselves. You can never give to others what you yourself are lacking. In this case self awareness. I lack self control, and my anxiety ridden responses to situations causes me to hyper react to people, so this makes my relationships end most of the time, the need to constantly need approval and validation and doubt myself, and needing others to reassure me is what makes me overwhelm others. Armed with this truth, i choose to recognize my destructive patterns moving forward. I feel like accepting what your patterns are , is the first step. Because we cant ever change what we dont acknowledge.

[@BavarianPixc]

She has those videos 😊 you will find them if you search her channel

[@dentrout9383]

After I left him (when I was 18 mind you) he would not communicate with me about his feelings. Instead he would just be passive aggressive. Which triggered me to be just aggressive.I think me leaving reignited his triggers because his parents were killed in a car accident early on and his childhood.

[@ferinstance01]

I'm not a DA but I totally have to be by myself a lot. I've been getting up at 4am my whole life, just to get alone time. I also stay up all night on weekends, so I can be alone. I've never pulled away from anyone though.

[@daxter7913]

After listening to this & other videos on DAs, I’m getting to the point of ‘just grow the f up’. I’ve worked & worked on myself to make myself & others around me happy … clarity, up front, honesty etc etc. But my DA treats me like crap, does no work, evades… yet eats up my energy like nothing. While I am understanding, give in … etc etc … He strings me along. Oh yes, I’ve encountered his nastiness, his neglect, his double dipping …. Enough already with his childhood crap … tune he grew & quit hurting people. And, he’s fully conscious of hurting people, bc he texts things like … ‘ ohhhh my beautiful beautiful friend, I really don’t want to hurt you”. Well, I can guess what’s going on behind the scenes. Make an effort & grow tf up

[@lfm0171]

Why are you still there? You’re enabling it. This is on you.

[@daxter7913]

@@lfm0171 you’re absolutely right. That’s why I cut the cords. Feel so much better. Put myself on a dating site & meeting new people. Everyone has a life with which they can groom as they please.

[@Jluna1111]

I'm confused about the story she told. Did the anxious partner do the right or wrong thing for the avoidant when they asked for space? If an avoidant asks for space I would usually back off 100%. I'm FA though.

[@svetikchum6988]

What are their common needs ? If they are not answering lol

[@DorothyOpati]

still dint get how i am a shadow to my DA

[@andreatorluemke4982]

How many women do they have to go through before they do the work...how many women have to get over one man. I guess all you can do is your own work thats all you can control...

[@liveandletlive216]

please make videos louder

[@stephanie3386]

Hi Thais, do you offer one on one coach?

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

Unfortunately not, but you can book a free intro session with one of our 4 in-house coaches that were personally trained by Thais university.personaldevelopmentschool.com/pages/attachment-coaching

[@iiAngelic]

WHY do dismissive avoidants even desire to be with AP’s!!!!

[@joykorshiwor699]

They admire the direct opposite of themselves.

[@hadleybranham182]

Because they're narcissists

[@joykorshiwor699]

@@hadleybranham182 they're are not. They're good people with strange needs.

[@carlosbautista8430]

Trait variety, they are literally the shadow of one another

[@SK-no2pp]

subconsciously avoidants are also looking for people with whom they can be very confident they are safe from abandonment. They may learn to get their needs met through non-demanding partners who fail to require real reciprocation, intimacy, conflict resolution and positive reinforcement, pursue indefinitely if they withdraw (the obsessive types who call multiple times a day), and give without being asked. Accepting attention without providing emotional security- a classic and often long-standing pairing of the anxious-avoidant relationship.

[@svetikchum6988]

So what are their needs ? Just to be left alone can you please explain?

[@JK-di8nt]

I agree. The video was good, but I don't feel it really gave advice on what to do if you're the partner of a DA, obviously space, but what more? I think making some clear bullets on advice would be helpful.

[@cornwallismorgan874]

There are other videos that detail DAs' needs (in the DA section of the channel), but as a healed DA, my biggest need is easily being seen as a human and not 1) a magical being/fantasy/hero/etc., 2) a problem that needs to be fixed, 3) something to use and exploit, and/or 4) a sub-human who can never measure up. Under this, I need to be seen as valuable and worthy of love, and I need to actually have a place in the relationship (i.e., I am not a pacifier or a security blanket, and my needs must be considered and met as well). I need the freedom to be who I am with my strengths, weaknesses, habits, faults, etc. being viewed as part of a holistic person, and I need a partner who can genuinely integrate these things into the whole of my being without devaluing me and/or dumping me. I need a partner who views relationships as a team effort where both people work to make it flourish (I've yet to meet such a person because their needs are the only ones that matter). Regarding relationship issues, I have a need surrounding alone time so I can regulate my emotions and process information. This is something I will tell someone, but because I've healed the wounding around relationship issues, this process usually only takes me about a day, and I will keep reaching out to let her know I haven't just run off. But that time is needed because I still have a tendency to set big boundaries in the moment (up to and including breaking up), so I need that processing time so I can cool off and approach it more productively. When I'm ready, I then re-engage and attune to my partner's needs. But if this is consistently disrespected, regardless of intent, I will leave the relationship. At this point, it feeds back into my biggest need, specifically hitting point #2 for me. I don't know about others, but for me, a third need is for my partner to take accountability for her own healing work. Refusing accountability, and by extension looking to me to fix her while she does nothing to help herself, leads to the first need not being met. Additionally, not taking accountability also leads to a lot of projected issues onto me, which is just a huge repeat of my upbringing, so I have no interest in dealing with that because experience (in my upbringing and in relationships) has taught me that no amount of care and concern will change that reaction. While other people have wonderful insights, there's a huge difference between building trust and processing with someone, and expecting them to do all the work.

[@JK-di8nt]

@cornwallismorgan874 it's really appreciated you sharing and give your input. I am an FA and my partner DA at times doesn't reply or communicate, I allow space and time and try to find solutions, but feel lost when they don't share and communicate what they expect and need. But that may be the difference between being healed and not. As it sounds like you are able to relay to your partner what you need or that you'll be back after space. Thank you again for the insight.

[@cornwallismorgan874]

@@JK-di8nt You're welcome! And yes, it's super disorienting when they don't communicate; often, they don't feel that they can. It took me awhile to even sort out what I was feeling and what I needed because it's basically something I had to navigate on my own. I hope your partner finds healing and that things get better for both of you!

[@JK-di8nt]

@cornwallismorgan874 thank you again, me too! Any ideas for when they don't? Just leave it and check in a week later? I always struggle there.

[@walkertranger5746]

It’s normal to be wanted and to be desired and to be loved. It’s not normal to reciprocate. A DA has no ability to love because they have been damaged .

[@ng-marc]

❤🥂🔥🙏🥳

[@hadleybranham182]

I'm an AP. I knew EXACTLY what my DA was thinking, feeling, and needing. I gave her everything she could ever need or dream of. And she had the nerve to be ungrateful and say her needs still we're being met. I gave up my home, my career, and even put my kids up for adoption because she couldn't stand children. I know for a FACT I met all her needs. I cared for this woman like she was my own child, because that is how you maintain a relationship. At the root of every human being is a person who wants their parents to care for them so they never have to care for themselves. And I tried to be the perfect mother figure for her so she'd be the perfect mother figure to me too. She couldn't even say thank you. She cheated then ghosted me

[@LeeChrissy]

It sounds like you were breaking a ton of your own needs and boundaries. That's something you should perhaps try working on. PDS is great for self-healing.

[@purplemidnight1571]

My heart goes out to you, what a hard situation to go through. In the video thais mentions DAs neglect themselves and need to learn their needs so they can meet them and share with others. I think it's very possible your DA didn't know their needs and if they don't know, they can't share so how can anyone else truely know? There's also a course to heal from a break up, it might help. Best wishes to you on your healing journey, I think you're in the right place 🤍

[@ombra711]

The moment they let you put your own kids up for adoption, it stops being a "DA" thing and graduated to full on toxic. Just because they're a DA doesn't mean their evil actions or lack there of are a result of that. There's a chance they were simply narcissists and feeding a narcissist is the worst thing anyone can do for their sanity.

[@jbcbhbrb]

Sounds like you actually did some things that are opposite to what a DA typically needs. They want to feel independent and in control not mothered, smothered and coddled. They need space and breathing room to process emotions. Sounds like you were doing exactly what she says might happen (in the video)...you projected your own view of what you thought she needed based largely on your own perspective (i.e., every human wants to be mothered).

[@Mermaid03_03]

@@jbcbhbrbagreed

[@kjell-olavmossestad5401]

Please .. talk .. SLOWER!!!!! You are rushing through your videos, and its so annoying and hard to follow. Your shorts videos are where you ironicly is talking in normal speed. Use a minute more please

[@terrycraig6386]

I wish you commenters would quit gripping about this same issue.just adjust your speed in the settings.problem solved.

[@kjell-olavmossestad5401]

@@terrycraig6386 Every time is a bit of a stretch. I have mentioned it two times. I meant what I said, and it may be she will take it into consideration.. thats also a "a problem solved"

[@terrycraig6386]

@@kjell-olavmossestad5401 if you have a problem with poor This, then STOP WATCHING ffs.there are other videos that are similar on KZbin.its just critisism after a while.

[@kjell-olavmossestad5401]

@@terrycraig6386 consentrate on the video, like the rest of us. Get out of her behind.. she probably dont want or need you there. Its constructive criticism, and she will probably take it as such, even though you are not able to. Mind your own b my friend

[@terrycraig6386]

@@kjell-olavmossestad5401 it doesn't seem like your concentrating on what's said by her, just how she's saying it.and these are public comments and I have a right to respond.Thias herself probably doesn't think commenting back to you will help.thats how she talks.Deal with it.

[@Renegadespirits]

Girl you talk fast. Can’t keep up

[@ZenPepperClub]

She always talks fast drink more coffee just to keep up🤣🤣🤣

[@terrycraig6386]

Adjust your speed settings.

[@kjell-olavmossestad5401]

@@terrycraig6386 oh stop over-defending and cuddling the host. Its constructive criticism.. nothing else. Get out of her backside