6 Red Flags in a Long Distance Relationship

[@juliainiowa]

1. Ambiguity, counter by oversharing 2. Inconsistency, counter by conversation on expectations and reasonable routine communication 3. Unwilling to introduce family and friends 4. Not going to their home 5. Unwilling to post to social media 6. Making plans and not showing up

[@roshalllambert]

I love how she differentiates between the red flags, non- negotiables and standards. That is always important for us to know!

[@mer-ced-es]

I'm so happy that you mentioned "if you're in a committed romantic relationship, it is completely fair to ask that you speak once a day." People like me (with insecure attachment who never saw any of their family members in a healthy romantic relationship) often have absolutely no concept of how much contact is normal/appropriate/healthy. I got pretty much 'brainwashed' into feeling like wanting contact once a day already makes me ultra needy and that my expectations are too high 😅 It's so hard to get a feeling for what kind of standard is totally fair and reasonable. Securely attached people just organically know/feel how relationships make sense, but we don't. I sometimes hear people give me advice like "normal is what feels normal to You. Just do what feels right" and unfortunately that just isn't helpful for someone who has been raised in unhealthy attachment because "unhealthy" feels "normal".

[@joeyg.6138]

In my first relationship, I kept a fast pace and we moved too soon from dating to honeymoon (improperly glossing over our expectations before making things official). After the summer ended we had to go through long distance (in the pandemic) and many of these flags surfaced, which I ignored until our reunion at winter break. Just here to say I’m very thankful to hear from Thais that these were things I could ask for, and 72 hour silences were truly unacceptable

[@mer-ced-es]

@@joeyg.6138 I agree, it's so helpful to get that validation that we don't have to tolerate 72 hour silences, and we don't have to feel guilty about asking for contact even every day. :)

[@TMH792]

You are so spot on this with this! My exact experience my whole life and still learning. I have no idea what “normal’ love is. Thank you for sharing this!

[@mer-ced-es]

@@TMH792 ❤️💐

[@TMH792]

@Mercedes 🙏♥️

[@jessicasun4420]

Thais, you taught me to go straight to red flags and see what we can or can’t do anything about them. Everyone has red flags, even secure people. It’s about solutions or not. Then we can decide what to do from there. ♥️

[@mer-ced-es]

Soo helpful to have a blueprint for what behavior in a relationship (not just LDR, but in general) is standard. Of course every person & relationship is unique, but as I said in my other comment, people with insecure attachment sometimes don't have the slightest idea of what behavior is appropriate for romantic relationships. I never knew how much contact per week makes sense, how much contact per day is too much, which conversation topics are appropriate at what point, what behavior is REASONABLE to expect at any point, when/how the friends or family should be introduced, how social media play into all of this etc. etc. My former approach (FA) was always to just have understanding and empathy for all behavior from my partner, endless patience, give all the freedom in the world. I felt like any expectation from my side was unreasonable, like I was being narcissistic lol. Everyone is different but knowing of a gold standard for all behaviors in healthy relationships is necessary for me. It's like a map for orientation. These videos are sososo helpful thank youuuu.

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

Glad this was helpful for you :) Thanks for your comment -PDS team member

[@ingmarbm]

I totally also need a guide as to what is fair or unfair. I'm so confused about my expectations, feelings, hurt, boundaries and needs being unfair.

[@rocamallorca4201]

Thank you so so much for posting this 🧡 I ended up in an LDR about two weeks before the pandemic hit, and because of travel restrictions we never got to meet. We were together for a year, I’m FA leaning DA and I would imagine he is either the same or straight up DA. We broke up a few months ago and ever since I’ve been wondering if I called it too early or didn’t give it enough time/effort. We had a bunch of these issues, many of which I tried to talk with him about and got little to no response or promises to change and then continuance of the same behavior. This honestly is giving me the closure I needed to try to let it go and move on, so thank you for giving me that beautiful gift through your work 🧡🙏🏻

[@ThePersonalDevelopmentSchool]

SO glad this is giving you the closure you need! THank you for expressing yourself beautifully in your comment. -PDS team member

[@thelanguageofthebirds]

Distance aside inconsistencies and ambiguity is a red flag... for me in most dynamics be it friend lover therapist mentor or colleague...

[@nynke7259]

I just broke up with my bf of 3 years. I found out he was cheating on me for 2 years, multiple girls. I thought he would never, I couldn't imagine him cheating. I'm happy 1 of his friends was done with him and reached out to me. He avoided conversations, blamed me for not trusting him enough when I just asked "with who are you going to hang out ?". My gut feeling was right. He would have never told me that he cheated. I had to push prove in his face before he finally admitted he cheated. Just listened to yourself and if it doesn't feel well, walk away.

[@sherriflemming3218]

Infidelity is common. Long distance it's easy to compartmentalize and lead a double life. The only way it works is if you're both serious, see each other frequently and have a definite plan to relocate. It's mostly a cyber relationship. A fantasy. Artificial intimacy. Video chat or face time. Texting is avoidant and breadcrumbing. You cannot build relationships over text. Juggling multiple people and hiding all types of things is common. Proximity is continuity. It's challenging enough to make a relationship work Jonathan Aslay has great podcasts on long distance dating.and relationships.

[@nynke7259]

Uhmm, I understand your comment, but we met in my country and lived together for 1 year. We had clear goals , saw each other often, and were serious (I thought). So it's not like it was just an online relationship and we met like that.

[@sherriflemming3218]

@@nynke7259 I understand however they rarely work. Sorry to hear yours didn't work. If you're interested Jonathan Aslay has great podcasts. Empowers and protects women. Realistic dating and relationship advice. The problem is you can meet someone who's travelling that lives elsewhere , from out of town in your country or online. Unfortunately the most common way to meet people these days is online.

[@datstovey]

​@@nynke7259still got played

[@alwaysroomtolearn]

This is an excellent video.. Thank you Thais. It validated many of the feelings that I experienced in my LDR which were red flags for me. Thank you for everything that you and your team at PDS do.

[@obscuriosities]

I’m so glad you added the footnotes & context abt grief (& major life changes/demands). 🌪️ It’s hard to find content abt what’s reasonable/healthy that also clarifies or even notes at all, how poly could shift the bar; big big BIG same for interacting neurodivergence & communication styles. That might sound niche buts it’s not at all w LDculture. I’m finding increasingly in this post-Covid, & techno, remote -contact culture dominated by (global / financial / mental health / oppression/ fear / grief) trauma, this EQ for navigating communication style difference, context, & expectations safely is imperative & pervasive. It feels like an increasingly dire focus/resource on a societal level of survival/adaptation, & comes up on a daily level w professionalism/ family / friends / community politics also…& the way we navigate romantic experience seems to be the clarifying agent to how we’ll navigate interpersonal communication healthfully or not. Navigating real red flags vs divergences/circumstances effectively there is pretty high stakes & loud across the board these days. I’ve been refering to it rn as #DatingInTheApocalypse

[@belonging9200]

So important and great to get a more realistic scope on how LDR work, since the normal standards don't apply and it can be confusing. I'm glad to see how safe I am in my LDR, though I have a better understanding and words through this now, about topics that we needed to grow into. And understand better now, why they mattered.

[@anon_ya]

Listen to Thais: this happened to me twice in an LDR! I was in an LDR, we broke up because he had another relationship he was hiding for months. Then he came back to me a year later (after that other person moved), and we attempted a second LDR attempt. Then, I got annoyed because of inconsistency, and stated my needs for communication and consistency. He decided he could not commit as we agreed it wasn’t working and would not likely work long term.

[@redsolar7]

Really enjoyed your explanation on these issues, i have been going through a few things and was looking for some kind of understanding as to what might b e going on so thanks. 🙏🏾

[@Edith864]

Could you a video like this on online dating? :) (Maybe also long distance online dating)

[@sherriflemming3218]

Jonathan Aslay has podcasts on long distance dating.

[@CellBotics]

Oh my goodness … I am right now in a break up cause he says tellling me his day makes me a parole officer and I was not allowed to ask “hey what you up to babe” that he said I’m actually saying “what are you doing! Who are you with!” And that FaceTime was to see who he was with .. but I just want to feel apart of his life, and I am so nice in explaining it and he is almost belligerent about it

[@carolyniam2045]

This is so validating. Thank you.

[@MerceditaMallari535]

One of the best sharing very helpful to everyone on ldr

[@Mmm-nj5dk]

Realized that I could not do LDR.............straight up told him I did not want to become a red flag because I knew I would be one eventually.

[@jessicasun4420]

I think a lot of these can apply to people in regular relationships lol

[@sabrinacz]

Starts at 3:38

[@bursanglakichu914]

Truth behind,Thank you.

[@irakmoreno1543]

We were almost one year and meet on the second year. But she claims that I’m supposed to help my partner when we haven’t even met in person.

[@TheWonlyGirl]

3:40 5:47 8:45 10:08 11:32 12:23 Like this comment if this helped.

[@triplethreat9168]

You k ow what’s interesting my guy gets so shy to communicate directly he will post a story on social media indirectly replying to my question . For example how was your weekend ? Two minutes later picture of him in the car I’ve been so busy traveling for work. Smdh . Indirect communication . Then I reply on there which gets him to relax some he replies , then I shift it back to text and he continues there but it’s like why not just text me directly . Being a DA must be extremely hard when you haven’t been taught the rules , your just going at the best of your own drum since that’s what you have always had to do . Anyone else have this experience ?

[@katiekelman3703]

I needed this video. Thank you! 🙏

[@olitasdelmar]

My family and home dynamics are very toxic, that's why I prefer not to invite him.

[@cl5080]

@Mariana G. What if you booked a hotel room nearby so he can meet your toxic family, but then BOTH of you can escape the crazy, if necessary, so neither one of you feel trapped?

[@doctorartphd6463]

Ultimately, relationships must be in person...... regardless of anything else.

[@Muhluri]

I totally agree. Long distance should only be temporary. I'd even suggest that you only date people who are only 1 hour away from you. Distance makes things exponentially harder

[@ricklegendary2990]

I have been in a LDR for over a year, and I've flown her to Florida 3 times and she stayed with me, when I visited her she wouldn't even show me where she lived, she calls me from work or when shopping however very little when she's home. once we were video chatting while she was in the car, I asked her to drive home and she refused, I finally asked her for a good night video chat and she said she will let me know when, I said tonight , tomorrow night she said " she'll let me know when, she sends photos from work or the bathroom, her Instagram has no post and her Facebook is deactivated . yet she says she loves me and wants to marry me but says I annoy her for video request, she blames it on her kids which are teens. I don't think a good night video chat was a big deal yet she deflected having it, in a year we never did it, yet she says she's moving here, very confusing behavior

[@holygingerfab8071]

I’m sorry, but the person might be involved with another person that’s in the same Country with her, or She’s even a Living with her partner, but don’t want u to know. I had the same issue, my last Relationship was 6 months ago, and I’m single now, cuz the guy had his Family, but lied to me. 🙏🏾 I have been myself, and just focusing on myself.

[@AntonsClass]

I would say you absolutely need to be upfront and confront her! Insist on seeing her home, coming to her home and meeting her family, including kids. You have been together for way too long to not see her home or her a night call.

[@ricklegendary2990]

@Anton's Class she eventually chatted on video with her kids there and asked them to say hello, she did a video tour of the house at night, but this happened when I'm our of state

[@AntonsClass]

@@ricklegendary2990 okay I see. Well that's good. If you have met her family, perhaps there is hope.

[@olufunmioludiyabadmus9540]

Red flags dear

[@stevefranklin9176]

Staunch refusal or neutral posses in photos is a bit of a red flag too.

[@moonglow1158]

The one i had she constantly would nonchalantly accuse me of having another woman and that I was worse than any man . Was this just a degrading tactic or what ? It was trite and annoying

[@cherylwade9763]

What about the man asking the woman to buy him expensive items and bring them to him when they meet. Is this not a red flag ?

[@dorothyseelig6037]

Been 8een in life for two years. He keeps referring to his dead spouse as us all the time. He assures me he love me, I changed his life and he wants a life together. I keep asking him if he is still stuck in the past or is on the present with me? He says with me. I have been telling him how i truly feel and he acts so sorry. Let me know what you think.

[@thelanguageofthebirds]

Omg NO social media in a normal relationship is a deal breaker for me tbh lol

[@cantrellbarney6313]

Yep he doesn't answer his phone or he doesn't answer some of my text messages so i just stopped

[@chrismcevoy2503]

I used to be on Facebook, but I got off of it.

[@chrismcevoy2503]

I would be in a long distance relationship with someone because I don’t have a car and I can’t drive.

[@DabbyBong]

This is helpful. relatable and so much.

[@Medietos]

Thais, I really want you to re-activate my access to the school now, please! Or at least answer my emails and communicate with me. This is not just. Wishing you well, Claudia. --- Might you make a video on getting acquainted and starting dating long-distance, that is , without meeting? I suppose that is strongly dissuaded? I naturally get cold feet, intending to slow-date according to the aware stages, - but difficult to keep that up this way, and when he is not into it and not aware of the human brain's way of trying to fill in all the gaps, into unrealistic ideas of the other. Burnout and sleep deprivation etc has made me less abIe to keep healthy borders and the Stages. I want o be liked and accepted for who I am and after we met, not get fake-close in fantasy too soon. It feels a bit stressful, invasive, uncomfortable, off-putting, unsafe and not flattering, and I am working on a way to convey it well. I'd appreciate your view on this, if there is a way. But suppose it would definitely pre-require a good state and situation... Thank you.

[@TheeLetterL]

3:40

[@PK-jf1sp]

We used to speak on a daily basis but that stopped after I questioned him about not calling after a weekend he spent with friends. He now asks to speak on weekends only because he blocks off his weekdays to study🤔

[@AnnaAnna428]

He’s with someone else. That’s a major red flag that you got downgraded to the weekdays/ business days. Maybe that’s when he’s at work and away from his partner. No one spends every moment of every weekend with their friends. But, honestly, you know that hun. Question why you allow someone to limit you and not be accessible to you? A man who cares for you cares for you every day of the week and wants to make sure you’re ok and ensure another man isn’t putting you to bed. Question what insecurity in you accepts this? I know why I used to. (An AA) ♥️

[@Phil-j7t]

Long Distance Relationships are just a backup plan while they’re dating someone else in their hometown

[@Joel-pg4yi]

What if she won't talk anymore like for weeks or a month unless I make the move. She says she doesn't talk to no one and stress and hard life stuff she struggling with ? At one side I think she cheating and at another that she saying the truth and makes me worried for her health and problems but it make sense she would need even more help and comfort than usual right? Or atleast talk sometimes idk does it make sense ? Not even having five minutes of their day?

[@yolandajuarez5889]

Omg... at the moment have a long distant relationship...I tell him where I'm at all the time. I even send a drop 📍 about where I go and where I'm at. Face time... texting all through the day. * I was using his phones flash light once, and all of a sudden his ex wife sends him a text on messenger, saying, that she couldn't get right back to him cause she was on break at work! Well, mind you, he said he hadn't talked to her in almost 2 years. This is the second time he has blocked me on everything. *I sent him a picture of me, and he commented on my "hairy" legs. Mind you, they were not hairy. But he makes a big joke out of it. I asked him kindly to please stop. He proceeds to keep making fun of me. I told him he was being alittle rude. Next thing you know, im blocked again!! This make two times in less than 2 months

[@hoolio5659]

Ik this is a year old but you gotta leave him if you havent already wtf

[@carolinemason2747]

What about having to be on video call 27/7 ?

[@bmillar271]

Thais Gibson, please please please help me with my relationship. I've never clicked or had so much in common with a woman before. And it's falling apart. And I don't understand why or why she is acting like she is. It's a long diatanceship for now. She is in the UK. I'm in US. She was taught and conditioned to not show and express her feelings as a child by her parents. They had the perspective that feelings are a weakness and vulnerability us a weakness and I'm sure more traumas than that. I think she is something along an avoidant type. Not sure but she is confusing the heck out of me. And she is really hot and cold and cycling back and forth. Seems like when I naturally meet her in mutual feelings or express even more she pulls away and get cold. And I get hurt and then pull away and get distant after having a freak out and trying to communicate and figure out what's wrong. No I just don't even bother having a feakout. And I'm becoming kind of numb to it now. And when I get cold she ramps it back up. At first it was pretty amazing. She is a KZbinr Tarot card reader who goes by Moonlight Guidance. She tends to express her self to me mostly through her videos and then just short text messages. And will call me "my love ❤" and things like that. But won't open up in a direct way. It's like she uses her Tarot reading videos to express her feelings while disassociating from them or something like that. And I think she has had a lot of trouble maintaining emotionally satisfying relationships in her life that are romantic anyway. IK there has to be away through this stuff with her and a way I can help her and myself heal from our traumas and psychological. But, I'm confused and overwhelmed with it and I'm brave and open with my feelings. And I'm quite empathic and intuitive but not the best intuitive, u can get shorted out and misfire a lot when I get fearful and or panic. And she is obviously very intuitive being a Tarot card reader. She really doesn't even need the cards anymore. They are just a learning to, to trust ones own intuition anyway in the end. I'm a big and open and abundant communicator and she is like fort Knox of communication. So, I'm trying hard not to o wr communicate and only when she is present and chatting. But, it's really hard for me to not be wordy. Can you please please please help us some how. Maybe you can reach out to her and see if you can help her and me too. I not saying I'm perfect or that I'm not got my own issues cause I know I do. But, she was raised in the upper rich Elite class of UKBritain/India and was raised with Hinduisum and Vedic beliefs. And I was raide in a Christian family, poor family basically. But, have been converting to more Vedic and enlightenment type beliefs and doing Mantra for well over a year now. Long before I met her and started talking to her. My vedic and Hindu beliefs are very significant and important to me, and aren't going to change. I discovered after having had enough of evil and sick people in my families abuse and keeping coming after me non stop and my forgiving them and giving them mercy upon mercy upon mercy and unconditional love upon more love and kindness and they just wouldn't change or stop. I had had enough and was like okay fine!!! And started doing the Kali Chumunda mantra and had big changes happening around me. And picked up speaking the words very quickly. And speaking in Hindi felt like coming home to me to my soul. And I've been loving chanting mantra since then. So, it's a tell tale sign I've lived in India or surrounding countries in a past life. Or maybe another planet thst speaks Hindi/Sanskrit. So, it's a big huge thing that her and I resonate with each other on. And I've never connected and so deeply resonated with any other woman like I have with her. So I don't want to just give up on her and not try to understand her and how to make it work somehow and to figure it out so both her and I are getting emotionally satisfied and healing our traumas together and can bring our relationship into in person status. Please please please help us Thais Gibson. I don't have much money myself. But, Shanti has been expressing that she is seeking therapy and help to heal from her traumas cause she want to make sure that our relationship is going to be good and she things I'm just amazing and deserve her at her best and full healed instead of cycling through patterns. But, I'm afraid she isn't getting that help she needs like if she is doing therapy or something the therapist isn't worth a crap or something. Cause it doesn't seem to be working. And I'm having a hard time understanding her and these videos and the whole situation seems to be so complicated and confusing especially for me. I'm almost to the point of just giving up. But, I can't just walk away. Cause this is the most significant and meaningful and deep soul and like twinflame connection I've ever had in my 45 years. I have big trouble and issues with actually making in-person cold interactions flirting with women I'm attracted to. Due to being shamed so bad by my mom and my first sexual experience being when I was 6yo with the neighbor girl from up the street who was 8yo and it was all her idea. So, for me it's a deeply ingrained foundational part of me that it's auposed to be the females place to initiate the sexual interation and to be the aggressor at first. Once in a relationship I don't have a problem being the sexual initiator and making moves in the safety and acceptance of a meaningful mutual relationship.

[@PHOENIX-ux3gw]

M. I. A for two weeks 😢

[@karenkhajotia4750]

Helpless begging me to pay his daughter school dues and feeding. I have to let him go😂

[@youngirb]

What about a LDR with a DA when you're an AP 😅😅

[@Anna-dn3bi]

Hello im wondering if its a red flag of , we haven't met each other he is over seas working on a ship for now , its only been 5 days and he is so very comfortable with me , he wants to marry me he includes me as we in conversations , he is a life time Christian and im a Christian , we share a lot of stories , we talk on google chat twice a day out times are opp times , im wondering can it be true for someone to actually love someone so quick and decide they want to be married , im not rushing my feelings , im actually waiting on confirmation from God is this His will , He was married for 20 rys and she died from covid He wants to come and visit my country to meet me when he can get out of work , ,

[@willow_thea]

youre being love bombed.

[@fkaceng]

Is he from Nigeria?

[@lydia397]

Make sure you video talk, and if someone asks for money, it definitely is a scam

[@palestinabaddie]

Hi Thais

[@sirgigglez]

asking for 💰

[@cherylwade9763]

Or expensive jewellery before they even meet

[@isamesal7547]

@personal development school

[@irakmoreno1543]

What about your partner asking for money because she’s supposedly poor ?

[@weotalks2810]

Long DISTANCE RELATIONSHIP IS WASTE OF TIME.

[@moshar12]

ambiguous, ambiguous, ambiguous...Gosh!

[@alisontill7677]

Relationships happy Jessica till boyfriend couple please home

[@dorothyseelig6037]

Sorry long distance relationship.

[@playstationakcurate8292]

Scary

[@playstationakcurate8292]

Man, I have no girlfriend since birth. What are you talking about. 🥺

[@playstationakcurate8292]

@whatsapphim1351 well .. obviously that is not a-true love. You will carry that burden forever.

[@heatherhail6975]

yes, i’ve tried long distance relationship w my boyfriend and yeah you we survived it, luckily. I suppose he’s the one and that’s why we enjoyed our sex experience with herbal aphrodisiacs spanish fly, great drops

[@ImranKhan-tj3dr]

I Love Love Love Love Loooooooooooooooooove You..... you ... so soooooooo.... much real and true forever 😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍😍❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤ I like you ... S eriousely 👧👧👧👧👧👧👧👧👧👧👧👧👧👧👧👧👧👧👧👧👧👧💞🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷🌷 Well u merry me I need u I meet u I see u My dream u My life u My world u My sweet ❤💝heart 💝❤ u😘😘😚😚😗😗😍😍🙋🙋🙋🙋🙋🙋🙋🙋

[@tulip5210]

741 or you just resent texting like me 😭

[@wanderingsword4003]

She was a walking flag.

[@austinnguyen9107]

I know right, this video mind opening to say the least

[@devonallicock6694]

Love Your videos but you take too long to get to the point

[@glengardner3734]

Too long winded.....Get on with the topic.

[@cherylwade9763]

They are all like this. It really irritates me