Therapist Explains: WHY we demonize the person who leaves | Ep.187

When does cutting ties with family become the healthiest option? I know this is a controversial topic, but in this video, I share the story of the Scottish Fairy, a powerful reminder of how stepping away from harmful relationships can lead to freedom and healing. This video offers clarity and hope if you've ever struggled with this decision or want to understand someone else's experience.
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ABOUT THIS VIDEO:
Breaking away from family is one of the hardest and most controversial decisions someone can make. Through the lens of the Scottish Fairy's story, I unpack why some people distance themselves and how it can pave the way for emotional well-being. Watch to gain insight into this complex and courageous choice.
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Disclaimer
This information is for individuals coping with estrangement and does not apply to those who have experienced abuse. If you've faced abuse, prioritize your safety and seek professional help immediately. Consult specialists for proper guidance on abuse-related issues. Your well-being is our priority, and support is available.

[@youtubemariemorinestrangement]

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[@simchad613]

@@youtubemariemorinestrangement yes. I did already.

[@josephinegoldman3172]

In some cases yes the person that leaves is demonized but these kids who have lowered the bar for trauma and leave their families kicked to the side I'm sorry but they should be demonized! Where is there empathy as we have empathy and would take them back in a second no questions asked where is there empathy they are done with us! I continue to be shocked by you Marie! You really drank the Kool-Aid!

[@jennypepper4623]

I was also cancelled by my 2 brothers who were also jealous of me and resentful (judged and criticised me). It's painful presently.

[@youtubemariemorinestrangement]

I'm sorry this happened to you.

[@josephinegoldman3172]

“The most painful goodbyes are the ones that are never said, and never explained. It’s the sudden silence, the unspoken words, the unanswered questions that haunt you at night. You lie awake, your mind replaying every moment, every word, every touch, searching for the reason why. But there is no answer, just an emptiness that stretches into eternity. It’s the pain of not knowing, of not understanding, of being left in the dark with only your own thoughts to keep you company. And in that darkness, you slowly come to realize that you may never know why, and that is perhaps the hardest truth of all.” ~ ctto ~ Art : unknown

[@CatholicamI]

Why the dramatic music and filmography? I grew up with an Italian mother and dealt with this my whole life. Making a video where she sounds like she's too close to the microphone and whispering is overkill, and very annoying. And all you hear is ... I, me, my... She should just move away and count her losses, but doesn't have to tell her story to the world. You can call or text occasionally, maybe limit visiting your family....But people are going to judge just as she's judging her family's behavior and calling herself the "black sheep." This is the victim mentality and is what is breaking society apart. We all have a story, it's called the past; good or bad everyone's got one. Bad things happen, learn and move on.. I found your videos to be very coarse and judgemental about parents. I'm guessing you live in the United States and have a flowery view on what life should be. But that is not everybody's reality. And your generalized statements are not aligned with other cultures. For example, in Sicily and in Italy where my family emigrated from, no one had this much time on their hands to blame others for their mistakes and make a story about it. My grandfather had to work when he was very young to support his family as his father was still in Italy. His brother died at 16 and he had to take over the restaurant to help his mother and father who were not only supporting their family in the US, but in Italy. It was tough, but my grandfather didn't cry or complain. We have to accept that people are flawed and judgmental. If we block everybody that offends us or makes us feel bad about ourselves, we will be very lonely. When I gained weight, my mother said, "you're fat." And the crazy thing about it is that she was right! I got fat and thankfully lost weight and stopped eating biscuits. Please stop encouraging young adults to break contact. It isn't right. Also, she needs to live outside of herself. Too many people cry for themselves and not others. I have friends and family in Western North Carolina who have a story to tell. They have lost everything and we just found out that an old man froze to death overnight because his new wood-burning stove went out. I'm sorry to say, but you are doing more harm than helping. I would tell this girl once she stops crying about herself, step outside of her comfortable box and start to see others. There is so much suffering in this world and there is no time to make corny long videos about feelings when people are literally dying of horrific deaths all around us.

[@youtubemariemorinestrangement]

Thanks for the critique. I'm curious if you believe that someone who is emotionally mistreated, abused, and rejected because of their personal choices is expected to stay in the relationship? Are abused women to stay in abusive relationships? Does that apply in cases where adult children abuse their parents? What about when a child is being harmed by their parent? Does it mean they should keep the peace and endure.The point of the reaction is for siblings, adult children, and parent's to empathize with the hardships of others. It is to stop demonizing people because they feel that the struggle to want a loving accepting respectful family that is unable to support them is too much to bear. What benefit does anyone gain by hearing their distress and then invalidating because there are others who struggle as well. For the record, anyone who has been emotionally harmed by another even if they are family gets to decide for themselves if they want to endure continued mistreatment.

[@simchad613]

@@youtubemariemorinestrangementI believe the problem in this video is we only hear her perspective. She really doesn’t explain why her siblings didn’t want her in their lives. Nor did she explain why she felt so much pressure that she had to give up all contacts with them. The reason she gives that she was her father’s favourite doesn’t suffice for the way she has acted. There is a lot more to this story than what she is telling us. My daughter cut all ties from us and the reason she gave makes no sense. I do believe in many cases that cutting ties is not the answer, it’s just a bandaid . It’s just a simpler way of making things easy but in the long run hurts the person more than it helps. This person in the video seems to have a need to answer herself why she did it.

[@youtubemariemorinestrangement]

Thanks for writing. At first I thought the same thing. When I listened again I heard her say she expressed “differences “ and also a desire to leave her homeland. . I’m not certain but I think her being different whatever that means was met with resistance and rejection. As far as her mentioning she was . his favorite I think she’s giving context to how poorly they treated her when her dad passed I suppose if the sisters respected her she would have been included in the conversations and plans. I agree that often AC cut off without giving opportunity for repair . This is very sad and unfortunate.

[@CatholicamI]

@@youtubemariemorinestrangement I don't believe estrangement is the answer. First of all, there are too many rules of estrangement. There were many times I wanted to walk out the door and never look back, but I didn't do that. I grew up, went to school, got a job and flew from the East to the West Coast and enjoyed myself immensely not being under my parents'roof anymore. I even lived overseas for a while, but did not forget to call my mom every once in awhile so she wouldn't worry. I had a plan and my parents knew about it, they waved goodbye and we kept in touch. If you're going to do this whole no contact thing, you got to follow all the rules and make sure they can't contact you and then go into hiding as if I were in a witness protection program. I don't know about you, but that is too much luggage to carry. I grew up a sickly child as I was dropped at 7 days old down a flight of stairs and bounced two or three times and wasn't taken to the hospital. I'm not sure, but that may be the reason why I didn't walk until I was almost 2 years old and had a severe speech impediment until I was about 10 years of age. I even developed a rare form of scoliosis due to trauma, had surgeries and wore a back brace for almost 5 years. I was physically and noticeably deformed, but thank goodness for modern medicine and the fact that my mother brought me regularly to an excellent orthopedic. My parents were flawed just like everybody else. My mom wasn't always the champion mother. In fact, I annoyed my mother and sometimes she didn't want me around, especially my father. I remember staying with my Grandma during so-called family vacations. They would take my brother who was 2 years older than me, but leave me behind until I was about 6 or 7. I inquired about this to my mom why she did that and she literally told me, that she didn't want to lug me around. Understandably, because I was still toddling and babbling at the same time. I thank God everyday for my grandmother. She was an incredible woman and loved me very much so I was not starving for love. My parents had their own way of discipline. Although, I don't agree with the way they disciplined me. I cannot and will not judge their intentions. I think this was the norm during my youth. Most children were being spanked as a mode of disciplinary action. I don't necessarily support it and I think there are other ways to discipline as I believe you should discipline out of love and never out of anger. Last point and most importantly is I come from a religious background. I am a conservative Catholic. There are Ten Commandments and one of them is to HONOR thy father and mother. There are many places in the Bible that say LOVE thy enemy and thy neighbor, but I believe honor is very specific to your parents. It doesn't say love, it tells us to honor them. And even if you do not think they are not worthy of honor because of their actions, it is still a Commandment, not a mere suggestion. God has given us our parents. And we owe that honor to them. It would be dishonorable for me to tell you all the faults of my parents. I believe they did the best they could given their circumstances. No one is perfect and some are more flawed than others. And I am not going to sit here and psychoanalyze my childhood and try to diagnose my parents with some mental illness eg narcissism because that is not my trade or my place in life. Everyone is in therapy these days and I seriously think it's not working because people are becoming so in tune with their feelings and their childhood traumas that they forget to live in the now. I warned my children constantly not to build walls around themselves until they're in a tiny little box. They need to look outside of themselves and see others. The best self-help is helping others. Feeding the poor, nursing the sick and so many other wonderful spiritual works of mercy. I encourage my children to read the lives of the Saints. Some of the Saints had horrible parents, yet they forgave them and we're probably the most joyful people in the world, especially now because they've gained their eternal reward. Once you learn to forgive and move on with your life, all sorts of things open up to you and become available. And this no contact thing will only bring misery to everyone involved.

[@CatholicamI]

@@youtubemariemorinestrangement Morin, Unless there is truly an abusive environment in the home, and we are already familiar with the types of abuse from emotional to violence and SA, Everything is construed as abusive behavior these days and everyone is being diagnosed with mental impairments without a professional opinion. I would never encourage anyone to stay in an abusive situation. However, in the KZbin video, she is very vague as someone pointed out, never getting solid facts.

[@thehappinessinjectionproje6580]

I am only interested in estrangement from adult children.

[@youtubemariemorinestrangement]

Thanks for sharing this.

[@walterrudich2175]

So what‘ your point?

[@theodorerooding3536]

Lol, cool story.

[@dancingintherain2]

It is very irritating to hear this woman talk like she is such a poor little victim. She might think otherwise, but she is not kind, nice or happy. I would love to hear her family's side of the story. There are no perfect families, and we all have experienced some level of trauma growing up, that's not a reason to completely cut off family

[@theodorerooding3536]

To her it was a reason to cut off family. It's her life to live, and her choice to make. Instead of dismissing someone's concerns, pay attention. Grow up, take responsibility for your actions, and make changes if life isn't what you want. Whining about other people not doing what you think they should is toddler level stuff.

[@josephinegoldman3172]

May I add that her voice is so depressing she's happy correct? Again, I am sickened that you have jumped on the bandwagon!

[@youtubemariemorinestrangement]

I hear you and understand. I am sorry about what happened to you with your not being able to see your grandchild. This must be extraordinarily hurtful for you. I appreciate your comments and do want to learn from them. You have said that you believe I have gone to the dark side. Certainly, you have every right to your opinion of my actions and teachings. Throughout my content I have asked families to be empathetic of the other person. The hundreds of families, parents, siblings, and adult children I have helped understand the process of healing begins with grieving and also validating the other person. It is the cornerstone of my teachings. I do not believe I have even once not given both sides of the story. It is not dark to identify someone who I do not believe is being a "victim" but calling out what was happening for years with her SIBLINGS. She maintained a relationship with her father and tried to have one with her siblings. If you listened, you would have heard that her siblings cancelled her. She had already come to the conclusion that she would no longer allow herself to be rejected by her siblings due to their clear disdain for her. We can agree to disagree about her actions regarding her visiting her dad on his death bed. She said she had recently been with him before he died. As far as helping parents and understanding heartache of their children going no contact, where do you see me leaving this position ? I am curious how you see my empathetic response to this video about the adult not wanting to be scapegoated by her siblings means I no longer align with the experiences of parents? I am curious, do you think it is possible to understand and validate the experiences of individuals who have been hurt and they feel their mental health is at risk so they distance themselves? I have had multitudes of parents with adult children with mental illness who are besides themselves over the toxic experience their AC brings. I suppose setting a boundary so the parents protect their wellbeing is unacceptable? As far as adult children who have estranged and have not given their parent a chance to repair, to have a discussion, to address the issue so they can come to the other side for all parties, is unreasonable. What am I saying? For parents, it feels like a level of cruelty. But we do not know the entire story. Right? Giving generalized statements that every no-contact is cruel is just as misguided as saying that people should stay in abusive marriages for the sake of the children. There are to many factors to consider and we don't have all of them. Nor is it our role to judge the pain of others. You may not want to hear this but the studies suggest, and there are plenty, that many do ask their parents to please go to therapy, figure out for themselves what is happening and then go back to the adult child. what we hear is that parents do not do this part. Or when they are addressed, they don't stop to hear what the hurts are of their adult child. some of these parents then say " I have no idea why they cut ties." One of the saddest elements on the discussion and experience of estrangement is the depth of grief individuals land in. Sadly, if the grief led people to want to grow, to want to see the overall loss for everyone involved. The loss for the grandchildren, for the parents, the adults who lose out on having supportive attentive, present, and attuned families that show up when they are needed. Our society losses also because we demonize others. Adult children demonize parents and classify them freely as toxic and parents neglect to reflect on the magnitude of actors that contribute to this epidemic of family disfunction.

[@josephinegoldman3172]

@youtubemariemorinestrangement again, I profusely apologize... We are all looking for the "whys". I definitely could have missed everything and through my own ignorance and/or lack of understanding and knowledge missed all the "cues". My level of frustration should not have yielded my written words. I'm devastated at the impression I have made-- Being told I deserve this cut off has given me pause to look deeper into myself for fault and blame and to take responsibility for things I am ignorant of. It is easy for me to say I am not that person portrayed through my words. A flimsy defense, I know. Perhaps it is too late. I put my words out there and again I take full responsibility. A new set of eyes and insights make me pause. Even though that one comment shocked and deeply hurt me, I will look for its truth in myself... Again, I am so sorry that my own hurtful words brought such unrealized reactions. I will most definitely be looking at estrangement, going no contact, cut off, parental alienation, with a deepened understanding that it very well is me who caused my own heartache. Thank you and again I am so sorry...

[@josephinegoldman3172]

Really? Diverse life choices? You have sold out and I am shocked that you have gone to the other side! What's going on--- your clientele is pressuring you? When there is no sexual or verbal or physical abuse you are still okaying estrangement? And why did this Scottish fairy think it was better to see her father in death rather than when he was alive? The heck with the siblings and her mom or whoever -- she needed to see him while he was alive not once he had passed away! I am shocked and saddened by your new acceptance! The world is upside down and inside out and the unraveling of the family is a big reason. Estranged adult children do not realize how we were suffering -- do you think they have enough empathy to find a way back to us? The trauma bar has been lowered and you are a part of the problem now! I never thought I'd see that with you! EC are judge jury and executioner and we estranged moms especially are handed our sentences and we are allowed no defense!

[@youtubemariemorinestrangement]

Interesting this is your perception. My message has not changed. If you watched my videos about abuse you would hear the same message. I’m curious if you listened to what I said before you judge my stance. The woman made a choice her family didn’t like, they cancelled her, she stopped trying to be in relationship with them. Did you not hear me speak about the importance of supportive family. Part of this huge problem is how often we as people half listen to others. We selectively hear and then get upset about it.

[@josephinegoldman3172]

Yes, I have listened to many of your videos. That is the reason why what you are showing is so shocking to me. I understand in certain circumstances it is absolutely necessary to estrange. But there are moms like me do not understand what they did to have a child estrange from them and then from the entire family. I know they say that there were signs all along that someone like myself was not paying attention to what my ED was saying. But no one has been able to enlighten me or enlighten themselves as to what happened. And now tragically there is a grandson that I will never know. I have watched so, so many of your videos. I am on your mailing list. To me this is a total departure from from what you have previously said. Maybe for this Scottish fairy it worked for her. I am perplexed at how she felt going to the wake was a better alternative for her dad then showing up at his bedside while he was passing away regardless of the family's disapproval. If this is the direction you are going in and then I have to say it was good while it lasted you made a lot of sense. But I cannot relate to this video. And while you talk about empathy, if our EC knew how we are suffering because we have no concrete answers and we don't understand this new normal maybe they would empathize with us suffering parents and explain to us what on Earth happened! And you see most of the comments follow what I am saying. Without being rude, let us know when you return from the dark side...

[@josephinegoldman3172]

Interesting, as you say, that this is my perception and the perception of every other person who left a comment. Maybe, maybe it's because this video is not what we are living and so it is impossible for us to relate to. Maybe you and I have to agree to disagree!

[@jennieeveleighlamond]

I can see why you were cut off. If you had any self awareness you would be able to see in your extremely self-centred and clearly triggered replies to this video why your adult child doesn't want you anywhere around their child.

[@josephinegoldman3172]

@jennieeveleighlamond my apologies that I came across that way. The video was just very triggering. Adjusting to this new way of life is very difficult to understand for myself and for my family. Again my apologies...

[@karenhunter2111]

Maybe her perception was off?

[@youtubemariemorinestrangement]

She was "invited" to her father's funeral and not included on the planning or conversations with her siblings. Seems to me her perception was having been excluded and outside of the inner circle.

[@dancingintherain2]

​@@youtubemariemorinestrangement Her victim mentality probably makes her very difficult to deal with. It sounds to me like her siblings have had enough

[@josephinegoldman3172]

“The most painful goodbyes are the ones that are never said, and never explained. It’s the sudden silence, the unspoken words, the unanswered questions that haunt you at night. You lie awake, your mind replaying every moment, every word, every touch, searching for the reason why. But there is no answer, just an emptiness that stretches into eternity. It’s the pain of not knowing, of not understanding, of being left in the dark with only your own thoughts to keep you company. And in that darkness, you slowly come to realize that you may never know why, and that is perhaps the hardest truth of all.” ~ ctto ~ Art : unknown