Theresa is Tyrannical| A Book Review of Empress Theresa | Part 5

[@SchazmenRassir]

The stage show musical Les Misérables is 2 hours 50 minutes. Phantom of the Opera is 2 hours 30 minutes. Cats is 2 hours 20 minutes. The Sound of Music is 2 hours 55 minutes. Titanic is 3 hours 30 minutes. The 2012 Les Misérables film is 2 hours 38 minutes. The Matrix Trilogy is 6 hours and 43 minutes. The Hobbit Trilogy is 7 hours and 54 minutes. The Godfather Trilogy is 8 hours 57 minutes. The Original Star Wars Trilogy is 6 hours and 17 minutes. The Star Wars Prequel Trilogy is 6 hours and 55 minutes. The Dark Knight Trilogy is 7 hours and 37 minutes long. These are all just examples for context. This series, in all parts of this review of this book, is 7 hours, 16 minutes and 34 seconds. And with little filler, almost all of it is criticism of the book's content, story, character and writing. This is not just a review series. This is an _EPIC._ This is a saga exposing a litany of failure. And quite frankly, this might be the greatest review series in a show I have ever seen.

[@petehill7280]

Richard Wagner's opera-cycle Der Ring Der Nibelungen runs between 13 and 17 hours, depending on the recording.

[@ViewingChaos]

It’s like a car crash occurring millimetre by millimetre- and you are forced to watch it all as punishment by some corrupted and unforgiving anti- god...

[@Baiswith]

@@petehill7280 the terrifying thought there (although I'll grant I'm not at the end of this video), is that *I don't think we're done yet* :S edit: turns out this IS the last one (probably...) - phew! Congrats on surviving Krimson!

[@SchazmenRassir]

@@ViewingChaos ...named Theresa.

[@ViewingChaos]

Schazmen Rassir and her creator- Norman...

[@thefilthycasual6402]

Theresa: makes 24/7 daylight. Nocturnal Animals: guess I’ll die.

[@TheBonkleFox]

I mean, She prevented Covid-19 cause mass-extinction of bats.

[@feritperliare2890]

@@TheBonkleFox let's face it she probably released so many frozen diseases the people of the world just ignored them as things got so much worst

[@ecyor0]

Humans: guess I'll slowly go insane as my circadian rhythms completely collapse in the absence of external light cues.

[@the3dluxe53]

The Earth:guess I’ll become a giant fireball.

[@kgb4150]

@@ecyor0 People who live near the North pole can sleep with that during summer, but even they would have problems with adapting to eternal day

[@rallandtariv2139]

North Koreans: “She’s done it! Theresa has freed us!” Theresa: “Oh I wouldn’t say ‘freed’. More like…under new management.”

[@magnusthered4946]

Noooooooooooooooooo !!!!!!!!!!

[@darthbane97]

Is this quote from megamind

[@rallandtariv2139]

@@darthbane97 yes

[@hurricanejaney]

underrated comment

[@cloutman6033]

Just as the Arbiter said, they traded one villain for another.

[@rutabagaroo882]

"Crime would go down as criminals lost the cover of darkness." Theresa literally got KIDNAPPED in broad daylight. I swear all of us know this book better than Norman himself

[@armintargaryen9216]

Well, playing devil's advocate, that hardly even counts as kidnapping. Like... She doesn't even confront her raptor lol. She just does as she is ordered

[@gokuxsephiroth4505]

It'd blow Norman's mind to know most burglaries happen in the middle of the day

[@CollegeDroputPowerpoints]

Crime happens in pharmacy almost every day and thats as public as you can possibly be.

[@killdozer7792]

I get the impression Norman just has a terrible memory amongst his many other problems, considering he forgets things he wrote literally two pages ago.

[@WarmLusamine]

Raptor.

[@SharkyMcSnarkface]

“Theresa decides to reform the Middle East” The Middle East: “Oh no, not again...”

[@wojak-sensei6424]

Would've made ol' Bush shed a tear.

[@Error403HRD]

"Shit, here we go again."

[@natesmith6871]

Generously

[@Grim_Sister]

*Israel has left the chat*

[@perciusmandate]

Hey, it worked so well after WWI! ...R-right?

[@MrJoeyWheeler]

at this point, I'm starting to believe that Theresa was SUPPOSED to be 7 years old but Norman became attracted to his own character and aged her up to make it less creepy.

[@lunabearsong2043]

Aging her up unfortunately doesn't help it be less creepy.

[@FemboyMisa]

Unfortunately that is disturbingly plausible .

[@daredrogers3884]

If that's the case i kinda want to see an alternate version were she is a seven year old.

[@aturchomicz821]

@@lunabearsong2043 Its actually more creepy this way smh

[@patchmoulton5438]

I think its even worse when you consider that he made his precious little angel a _brood mother_

[@olympiadeverre]

I can’t believe Theresa, the ‘good Catholic girl’ outright calls herself the right hand of God. Any Christian worth their salt knows that Jesus occupies that position. Theresa’s a blasphemer, who would have thought?

[@Amsayy]

But she’s a humble queen!

[@atuaangie5160]

@@Amsayy more like an succubus, amiright?

[@jesussaves6625]

Can you imagine having to be around someone who actually spoke about herself in that way?

[@themysteriousmista4922]

Funnily enough Norman was banned from a Catholic forum.

[@left-2-write28]

@@themysteriousmista4922 wait really?! Oh my god, that's hilarious. What for?

[@jennymckenzie5304]

Theresa: "It's hard to look pretty when staring down a crowd of people who want to kill you." Helen of Troy: "Bitch you wish you had that power."

[@Grim_Sister]

Every Girl In High School: “Bitch, please.”

[@FinleyLava]

I love this comment so much xDDD

[@justin2308]

Pretty sure everybody BUT Helen was killed…

[@Hwje1111]

Every anime girl ever: now this looks like a job for me

[@JaynaeMarieXIV]

😂🤣

[@ArendAlphaEagle]

Theresa: "By making a permanent light, everywhere on Earth will get 24-hour daytime. This will stop crime forever, because crimes are ONLY done in the dark, after all!" **Not even 24 hours later, a ship gets sunk due to a terrorist attack**

[@NotAnAustralianEngineer]

Isn't it also said that must crimes (as in burglaries anyway) take place in broad daylight?

[@skyblade7438]

Let's not forget that terrorists can't use motor vehicles either.

[@germangamingvideos6069]

That would mean terorism isnt a crime

[@CandyHatsuneWolff]

Theresa: *surprised pikachu face*

[@terra_the_nightingale135]

Projekt Nova Games preposterous! If Theresa (Norman) says so, who are we to say anything against it? 🙄

[@GreyPikmin334]

The most interesting thing about this book comes from knowing a little bit about Norman himself. The guy was...oddly fascinated with Joan of Arc, for some reason. He even wrote an entire...essay(?) explaining how she could not have died from fires, but instead smoke inhalation when being burned at the stake. This was a VERY important topic to him. He NEEDED to know that Joan did not suffer when she died and passed on peacefully. This is why when Teresa finds the body of Joan of Arc in the book, her hair is preserved somehow after 600 years and being burned at a stake. Besides Norman having some kind of fetish for hair, it sort of plays into that need to validate that Joan DIDN'T suffer an awful death (like Teresa when she "died" didn't suffer much damage to her body and stayed pretty) and maintained some of her beauty even after all this time. Knowing about that, it makes Empress Teresa feel like an attempt at Joan of Arc fanfiction, or some kind of modern day Joan of Arc; a young girl with a humble background being given a divine duty to bring peace. As in, the way Teresa is treated by the world is the way he *wishes* the world had treated Joan; as some kind of perfect, infallible goddess who gets parades and concerts in her honor, everything she does is the most incredible thing in history, and yet she's still *so* humble. In other words; Joan of Arc is Norman's waifu. He is the biggest simp you could ever possibly be for a woman you've never met, never will meet, and, just to remind you, *has been dead for over half a millennium.*

Hmmm there is the idea of the 'Incorruptibles', saints whose bodies do not decompose...

[@SorowFame]

Salkafar I don't think Norman is smart enough to do that deliberately though, it'd require him to know something.

[@TheTestoyer]

So he's like gilas is fate, thinks jaunne D'arc can't do no wrong, is the greatest thing the world was ever graced with and anyone or anything that isn't her doesn't matter

[@ayajade6683]

He actually thinks she died from the heat not suffocation which is actually what happens when someone is burned to death

[@GreyPikmin334]

@@ayajade6683 Oh, yes, you're correct! I had a feeling I'd forgotten some detail or another, so thanks for the correction.

[@baileybrian9560]

Onision: No one could ever write a worse book than me Norman: Hold my Joan of Arc sex doll

[@Onewingerdraven]

Reaper's Creek is Empress Theresa but with Onision.

[@Nygaard2]

That would sell in the Bible belt... and France...

[@TW-xl2lk]

As if onision isn't already holding a sex doll of another underage girl 👀

[@blainetate743]

Bailey Brian Okay, that’s a little funny.

[@LehySnek]

Nah mate, Onision is way worse in my opinion. Norman is a pompous ass, but at least he can... kind of... use grammar and proper English (And he could bore someone to death), and the book is like a fanfiction from DeviantArt, but you feel kinda sorry for him because of his lack of self-criticism, and he didn't hurt nobody with his book. Onision, on the other hand, not only he fook'd up many lives, but can't use grammar nor he can spell. Onision's book, makes you feel disgusted, you cringe because of how much he tries to be edgy; the way he thinks other people function is baffling, he's completely detached from reality, it's like he is not familiar with human feelings. It's complete rubbish, it would upset anybody with a sound mind. Norman might be a windbag and likes god a little too much, but Onision, is on a completely different level. He thinks HE IS god. (Narcissus to be exact)

[@DPadGamer]

Im convinced that with heavy rewrites and revisions Teresa in the story would be the perfect dillusional, misguided super villain

[@Mo95793]

Yes, yes, yes!

[@Mo95793]

@@slevinchannel7589 yes

[@slevinchannel7589]

@@Mo95793 Yes? So you can see a time-stamp in my last comment?

[@slevinchannel7589]

@@Mo95793 Which one is it? What does the stamp say?

[@Mo95793]

@@slevinchannel7589 I can see a time stamp for 32: 05

[@katiegollygee2882]

Theresa, when anything goes wrong: "We should take Bikini Bottom, and PUSH IT somewhere else!"

[@randomboy3m98]

You deserve more likes.

[@bergonath8851]

"Fuck it, let's destroy the South Pole."

[@hollieginoza7935]

@@bergonath8851 Why not? She already trashed the North. We need to kill all of those cold weather animals.

[@vocalcalibration8033]

Come on man, Patrick is miles smarter than Theresa. That's just insulting.

[@terra_the_nightingale135]

Hollie Ginoza the Orcas! D:

[@MrGemHunter]

Theresa: Makes 24h sunlight Every single animal and plant on earth: ***AAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAAHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHHH***

[@MrGemHunter]

Theresa: Cuts oceanic salinity by half Every single animal, plant, and microbe, in the ocean: [*Gurgled Screams*]

[@alexanderinoa7850]

Theresa: does anything Fucking everyone and everything: *Screams of the damned*

[@schmohobzsia7216]

She's actually Satan

[@midnight8341]

@@schmohobzsia7216 woah, woah, woah, WOAH!! STOP RIGHT THERE, MISTER!! Don't you ever dare insult Satan in this blatant, unexcusable way again!

[@schmohobzsia7216]

@@midnight8341 you're right, at least he's upfront about being a nuisance!

[@p00x39]

"I kept them in a pre-puberty state so they wouldn't fool around with each other." oh no... no... nononononononooonooo...

[@ThePrinceOfSpace413]

I have throughout writing a fan fic of one of the children forming a rebel group with 1/3 of the kids and most of earth. Theresa is so self absorbed it would be amazing to basicly say the only reason people liked her was some power Hal had and that the children learned how to beat.

[@Cheezbuckets]

I saw this comment before starting this video, and I am VISCERALLY UNCOMFORTABLE and terrified to find out the context

[@ThePrinceOfSpace413]

@@Cheezbuckets did you find the context?

[@Cheezbuckets]

ThePrinceOfSpace413 Yes, thank you, and I HATED IT. XD

[@CandyHatsuneWolff]

@@ThePrinceOfSpace413 Do you have the same immunity to Theresa's BS that you do against Krankor's weapons? Earth could really use your help.

[@XansStitches]

“Kept them at a prepubescent state so they wouldn’t fool around with each other” hit me harder than anything has in this book so far

[@rowanquynn9964]

It says *everything* about how Norman thinks

[@MercuryKurogane]

So much of it was gross or unneccessary in the sense of "you didn't need to include that, no one was thinking it" but that just takes top place in that list. No one would have thought that they were going to be doing that, Norman saying they aren't now makes people think of that.

[@CollegeDroputPowerpoints]

Just realized Theresa slammed 4 beers while being 18.

[@ps1hagridoufofcharacter]

yeah i had to pause the video to collect myself

[@LoveTrueMusic1]

He's probably a Mormon or Quiverful then

[@Cosmo_raptor]

>Humility "You interrupted me. Nobody interrupts me. I don't need you."

[@tarani5aviel]

>Humble "world saver and conquerer, the right hand of God"

[@awesometown1000]

>Kindness Remember when Theresa used her powers to harass those lawyers that were just doing their job? ‘Cause I ‘member.

[@mechazoic]

@Bowser *Pepperidge Farm remembers!*

[@CherryPixelBun]

"I want everyone want to have Freedom of Speech and Press" -Theresa who regularly silences anyone who opposes her

[@multilad816]

>Charity Theresa is the richest person in the world, doesn't donate a cent for charities and nonprofit organizations, and she wants something in return for doing world impacting events

[@alexthebat9012]

"Your countries are all desert because the land is flat" 1)Clearly Norman has never been to the Netherlands. 2) Iran has over 20 SKI RESORTS. 3) The Sierra Nevada is right by the Rockies and that's pretty much a desert.

[@lemmonboy6459]

AlexTheBat 901 bUt iRAn iS iN ThE mIDdLe eASt, tHerE’s oNlY dEseRts aNd sAnD

[@IAmNotAWoodenDuck]

To be fair to Norman: As someone from the flat and barren deserts in the Netherlands, Theresa's playing around with the climate and her obsession with perpetual summer heat has probably already caused most of it to flood. So he doesn't have to talk about it.

[@Stop_Gooning]

The Middle East is flat because *the whole world is flat* duh. #HillsAreLies #FlatEarth

[@ShinFahima]

Florida would like to have a word with Norman. :l

[@Obelion_]

also the people dont live in the fucking desert, i really dont think the big thing holding "the middle east" back is lack of farmland...

[@carlosbuchanan1002]

Okay, so: Diligence- Teresa can't be bothered to work 8+ hours a day to save the world. Charity- Teresa makes herself the richest entity in all the world even compared to all the nations combined. Chastity- Teresa may not sleep around all that much but she certainly gets some kind of thrill from people looking at her. "The audience was wowed by my cleavage" from her wedding scene comes to mind. Temperance- She doesn't have enough resources on earth so she just plucks then from space. Regularly makes geography roll over and cry because she can't think of another solution. Love- Names her children by numbers and eternally stunts their growth because she doesn't trust them not to commit incest. Puts the world to sleep out of distrust for the powered individuals who are imbued with their own Hal. Justice- Uses her immense powers to pester her legal opponents and has to be told by someone else that she could apply this to hinder actual violent criminals. Humility- "... Right Hand of God." Any questions? Theresa is not in fact a good girl.

[@jackblack3718]

On the subject of chastity, Teresa got married as soon as she legally could only because she didn't want to wait to have sex. As for Temperance, she enacted vicious revenge on her legal opponents and swooned at the idea that she could brutalize anyone she wanted, and she bragged about ruining a man's political career and scolding him in public for the unbelievable crime of interrupting her on accident.

[@PewPewBeets]

A+ work, my friend.

[@praxyseory4578]

For those (I like me) who know more the seven capital sins than the seven virtues (which is understandable) Diligence opposes Sloth Charity opposes Greed Chastity opposes Lust Temperance opposes Gluttony Justice (or Patience) opposes Wrath Love (or Kindness) opposes Envy Humility opposes Pride

[@chrishorobin1751]

@@praxyseory4578 I'm fairly certain she manages to hit both of the unlisted deadly sins 1) - Vainglory / Vanity, which in difference from Pride as it is the sin of wanting others to recognise you as famous and mighty above your station and capabilities, while Pride is believing yourself to be famous and mighty and not really caring about what others think because you're above them. 2) - Apathy / Melancholia, which got folded into Sloth, but it's the refusal to emotionally recognise the majesty of God's creation. We'd recognise it as depression today, but if there's anyone with an apathic outlook to the state of the world it's Theresa with her reshaping the world into the image she desires. (I'll miss winter)

[@TheLegend-oy2sg]

She’s the right hand of god, Theresa is a good girl because if you disagree she will destroy not only your life but your familie’s, your associates’, anyone who even looked at you will have their life destroyed. Theresa is a good girl

[@ZorotheGallade]

"And then Theresa discovered she was allergic to limes when a waiter accidentally served it with her breakfast. How could such a cruel fate befall such a perfect, virtuous innocent girl? The waiter was obviously instantly fired from his job, everything he owned impounded and sentenced to forced labor till the end of time for his offense, but HOW was she supposed to overcome this grueling and debilitating obstacle? After meditating on her powers for half a day (this was way more important than fixing the world's climate so she put as much thought as she could into it) she decided to manipulate a virus (with a totally scientific method which I 100% know everything about, trust me I'm the best author ever) to make lime plants extinct all over the world so the dangerous terrorists would not be able to use lime juice against them. She ended up destroying every citrus tree instead so millions died from scurvy in the following year but since of course the only ones cultivating limes were anti-Theresa terrorist everyone who died was clearly working for them or abetting them, so everyone was fine with it."

[@slevinchannel7589]

Krimson covers 'Book-Whackyness', ok, but what about Films? What about Real-Lifes? If its not too random to ask: Can i give you some watch-suggests? I promise Whackyness!! I mean, even aside from REAL-LIFE-THERESA 'Kat Kerr', covered by the KZbinr 'Telltale' again and again, i got soe much to watch-suggest.

[@anantkerur557]

Oh god, i *despise* how accurate this is. This is EXACTLY how everything she does pans out 😭

[@spacebassist]

you forgot the part where the world media, working in *complete tandem and in agreement with each other*, flip a coin before they run the story to say "she's a good girl" or "this is the worst thing since before theresa was born because this is definitely the first time we hate her"

[@newsystembad]

"The salt content of seawater has been reduced by half." Welp, literally everything living in the sea that doesn't feed off thermal vents is dead now.

[@SwimmingInSunlight]

Rip the little wildlife that hadn't been wiped out already by either getting yeeted to space or generally due to Theresa's meddling with earth poles, temperature and day cycles 😂

[@dodojesus4529]

@@SwimmingInSunlight remember the poles are still be|edit|ing evaporated

[@germangamingvideos6069]

@@dodojesus4529 * exploding the poles are exploding

[@dodojesus4529]

@@germangamingvideos6069 evaporate (of something abstract) cease to exist. Doesn't fit perfectly but, good enough. Hallöchen

[@germangamingvideos6069]

@@dodojesus4529 But they do still exist dont they? Wasnt that her plan or something? If I am wrong please correct me

[@yourbiggestfan395]

Theresa is like that one friend you'd play with in elementary school that would make up fake rules to games and get huffy if you didn't play "her way".

[@terra_the_nightingale135]

Oh my god she is

[@HE13272326]

Remove the like in "is like" and it's 100% accurate

[@CandyHatsuneWolff]

"I killed you! Lie down!" "Nuh-uh! My alien keeps me alive no matter what!" "But my atom bomb destroys anything!" "No, nothing destroys me!" "Yes it does!" "No!" "Yes!" ...ad nauseam.

[@Jspotstudieos]

So true!

[@fangwhiteclaw7089]

I once beat a kid up because he kept up making rules that made him untouchable. I figured if I beat him up he would learn that making yourself all powerful was stupid. I was not a clever child because I used to do the same thing too. Luckily for me though my friends where better well better friends then me and called me out and I learned from it. The other kid learned too. What's the point of this story? I forget like norman writing his book .

[@YamishiMizuandDracus]

My own personal headcanon: Theresa was diagnosed with schizophrenia at 10, her watchers and the Parkers are social workers or something in the facility she was admitted to. Her parents could no longer bear to think about their daughter for a long while and that's why they were absent. Steve was a caretaker who was nice to her one time so she overly romanticized an idealized vision of him in her head. None of this book happened. Or otherwise, HAL is literally mind controlling most of the world to act like complete idiots.

[@innerface.]

God you solved it

[@CandyHatsuneWolff]

Yes, you nailed it. This is either Theresa's true story, or Norman's.

[@Dragonflier001]

I actually thought it was the latter. Theresa's subconscious desire for everyone to praise her causes them to be major idiots who listen to, agree with, and do whatever she says.

[@TupocalypseShakur]

@@Dragonflier001 like how Franklin Richards desire for the world to not change causes everyone in Marvel universe to not age

[@allhailpickles]

HAL could also be medication

[@sweethysteria8737]

I can’t be the only one who’s completely horrified and disgusted by Theresa not only naming her kids numbers But STUNTING THEIR GROWTH IN PREPUBESCENCE FOREVER! That’s cruel! Being stuck in a child’s body if awful. And they’re nothing more than her slaves. It’s awful I mildly hated Theresa before, but I despise her now

[@TheArmyOfOne100]

Imagine a sequel about one of her kids feeling resentful for centuries until they decide to get revenge and conquer the world.

[@HTFWSFWWE]

My mom totally would have done this to me and my brother if she could, but she has several diagnosed mental disorders including bipolar. Theresa doesn't have that excuse.

[@bradymenting5120]

to be fair my dad refers to my brothers and I as 1, 2, and 3 because our parents made the mistake of giving us all similar names, and being bad at remembering names runs in the family.

[@axelvoss9653]

Some Elon Musk shit, man

[@CollegeDroputPowerpoints]

Its like pokemon rusty where everything gets worse in the most absurd way and the mc never learns a lesson, only doubles down

[@Cactusman129]

"Fascism is totally ok if a hot girl with superpowers does it" -Norman Boutin, apparently

[@No_Sleepee]

Also everyone who bitched and moaned about how North Korea had a female leader before America

[@comicsans1689]

This, but unironically.

[@burkesullivan9086]

Deep thoughts with Norm

[@sweethysteria8737]

Lol 😝

[@Hamartia64]

I mean that just sounds like Fire Emblem: Three Houses to me

[@AnonymousMemeConnoisseur]

This entire book is just a giant “The Lion, The Witch and the Audacity of this Bitch” meme for so many reasons

[@greatclubsandwich5612]

"That's not how any of this works..." As well

[@gratuitouslurking8610]

Also liberal application of various TeamFourStar memes, chief among them 'That's stupid! You're stupid! Stop being stupid!'

[@InhumanFan98]

@@greatclubsandwich5612 "thats how mafia works"

[@voilvelev6775]

Ive never heard this joke before and Im laughing hysterically rn, thank you

[@guiltygearalonecompl]

@@gratuitouslurking8610 To be fair, Theresa absolutely has the mindset of TFS Goku

[@rolandart5670]

"Theresa had an idea" is basically the magic words you hear before a catastrophe strikes.

[@MadNinjaGirl]

Then she had an idea. An awful idea. Theresa had a wonderful, awful idea.

[@knowsgold2798]

A terrible, horrible, no good, very bad idea

[@johannesseyfried7933]

Theresa: "I think...." You should not do that. That's dangerous. Theresa: "Yes, I know."

[@ViewingChaos]

Thoughts are dangerous- especially when Theresa has them..

[@hollieginoza7935]

Theresa, "Husband, I'm afraid I've been thinking." Steve, "A dangerous pastime..." Theresa, "I know. But that nighttime is just so useless. And you know it's full of the crimes. Now the wheels in my head have been turning since I saved the people from the Holy Land..."

[@andreas_iced8297]

"This book is a love letter to Joan of Arc" Joan: yall can keep it

[@GodOfPlague]

I still dont see the connection lol

[@smileplease_91]

Joan of Arc: "I didn't die for *this*."

[@ahok1937]

Joan of Arc : "tu peux te le foutre au cul ton livre"

[@halo129830]

The fucking fate series has better Joan of arc then this shit

[@everlastingdragon4520]

No, no, no, it's be more like: Joan: * praying * God, please forgive me for what I am about to do. * draws her sword and goes off to murder Norman *

[@MsVampirestories]

Typical crime hours are M-F: 10pm- 6am Sat: 12am-6am Sun: closed Holidays may effect time in which crime is to take place

[@ketsu4435]

Winter times?

[@CandyHatsuneWolff]

Due to the crisis, Monday-Friday, the hour between 10PM and 11PM is reserved for criminals over age 65 or who have preexisting health conditions. Please wear a ski mask and stand 6 feet from anyone you may be mugging.

[@TheAdarkerglow]

If you need to schedule an appointment for an off hours crime, please contact your local authorities for assistance.

[@CandyHatsuneWolff]

@@TheAdarkerglow Or to commit cyber-crime anytime, visit our website!

[@ViewingChaos]

Remember to wear your balaclavas and white striped shirts while you do it!

[@KiafryKyle]

"I don't think I could ever find a book that will top Empress Theresa." Norman should put that quote on the back cover out of context.

[@oiwithyou]

Fun fact: most property crime takes place during the day. Because that's when people are at work.

[@terra_the_nightingale135]

Blasphemy! According to Norman (and Theresa I guess) that is simply impossible! No one is smart enough to do that except for Theresa!

[@frank.tbunny8472]

Also posting about your holiday on Facebook can be a very bad idea. Many burglaries are committed by people that know you and when you will be away from home

[@MachineMan-mj4gj]

@@frank.tbunny8472 That's why I made the big-brain move of living in total social isolation. Now, no one can figure out my comings and goings.

[@SorowFame]

MachineMan1992 they can never burgle you if you never leave.

[@oiwithyou]

@@SorowFame I'm...pretty sure they can still break in and take your shit by force.

[@zawrator4457]

For anyone wondering, here’s a quick compilation of biblical teachings just from the sermon on the mount Theresa blatantly disregards: *Matthew 5:3-11:* *“Blessed are the poor in spirit, for theirs is the kingdom of heaven.”* Using her power to become the richest person that could ever exist. *"Blessed are those who mourn, for they shall be comforted."* Mocking the stunt man who died horribly trying to recreate her belly-flop. 0 concern or empathy for the people suffering due to the wind stopping. *"Blessed are the meek, for they shall inherit the earth."* Calling herself “the right hand of god.” "Humble world savior." *"Blessed are those who hunger and thirst for righteousness, for they shall be satisfied."* Theresa literally only acts when people beg her to. *"Blessed are the merciful, for they shall obtain mercy."* Horribly tormenting that lawyer. Not caring one bit about the people who are in the way of her demented megaprojects. *"Blessed are the pure in heart, for they shall see God."* See every interaction Theresa has with other people. Shouting down the british MP who dared question her and sending her cultists after him. *“Blessed are the peacemakers, for they shall be called sons of God."* Invading North Korea, waging economic war with OPEC. *Matthew 5:38-42:* *“You have heard that it was said, ‘Eye for eye, and tooth for tooth. But I tell you, do not resist an evil person. If anyone slaps you on the right cheek, turn to them the other cheek also. And if anyone wants to sue you and take your shirt, hand over your coat as well. If anyone forces you to go one mile, go with them two miles. Give to the one who asks you, and do not turn away from the one who wants to borrow from you.”* The lawyer situation, her first boyfriend, OPEC. The only person she sorta forgives is President Martin and there it is really apathy rather than forgiveness. *Matthew 6:1:* *“Be careful not to practice your righteousness in front of others to be seen by them. If you do, you will have no reward from your Father in heaven.”* Expecting reward at every turn, having herself be paraded and fawned over by the masses.

[@BirchMonkey857]

(NIV Translation in case anyone's curious)

[@edwardtrooper7027]

SO true. Norman acts like he is a man of faith but he lacks it. Using it more of a shield. He's ego can't let him see how things really are. Like Chris-chan he only writes what he knows and will block out anyone that tells him overwise. "Everyone is a idiot except for me~"

[@cabnbeeschurgr]

Literally building an anti-christ waifu and he thinks he's being a good christian

[@ponponpatapon9670]

@@cabnbeeschurgr the devil pretends to be holy

[@None-Trick_Pony]

I noticed a glaring error, so I'll fix it for ya. *The New Testament* Theresa

[@HushSkunk]

I'm convinced that everyone in this story is actually terrified of Theresa and the praise and adulation is just them trying to keep her in control.

[@azirul9311]

This would've happened in a GOOD book with a DECENT author. Unfortunately, RNGesus did not smile upon us.

[@joenathan8059]

Well no because they would allow her to be assassinated.

[@TheAirBear2000]

Like that one Twilight Zone episode, "It's a Good Life."

[@joenathan8059]

@@TheAirBear2000 Theresa's gonna send you to the corn field

[@TheAirBear2000]

@@joenathan8059 Isn't that kinda what she did to that one Parliament member who sassed her? That might as well have been how that went.

[@Varooooooom]

For anyone wondering: All 5 parts thus far have added up to *7 hours, 16 minutes, and 5 seconds* of content surrounding the shittiness of this book.

[@Stop_Gooning]

I dare you to watch the whole thing in one go

[@Varooooooom]

Nathan Witus - I have KZbin Premium & have a lot of studying to do, so I’ve been listening to these - essentially like podcasts - in one go haha

[@patchmoulton5438]

And thats only the edited down stuff we see. Imagine having to read this, take notes, gather evidence, reread it, write a script, proofread your script, edit the script, reread the book again, record the video, re-record due to technical failures, and edit the footage... I don't want to imagine the amount of time this single book stole from the poor saps that read it, let alone those mad lads that try to review it

[@williamwestmill6915]

@@Varooooooom how could you study and listen to stuff like this at the same time?

[@Varooooooom]

William Westmill - I treat it as background noise for the most part honestly. Or there are certain days where I’m able to multitask and listen to this stuff while studying simultaneously. Just depends on my mental capacity on a given day lol

[@CommissarMitch]

If I got this right, the Earth is now: - constantly in a misty state - North Pole expoding 24/7 - Massive pillars of water going from the oceans - huge blocks of carbon comming from the sun - constant daylight [Added because I remember or was reminded of] - Gold and Silver are devalued to all hell. - Mud Bridge. - X number of new Islands of various sizes. - The Earth tilt is hecked. - Made it summer 24/7 so no plants will reproduce and it will stink of rot. Did I miss something? Have we gone full Onision and change the coding of the universe yet?

[@whiskeyhound]

Might be covered under the new islands, "The South Pole has been eliminated except for a few small islands."

[@andrewparsons2391]

Theresa never added vagina dentata to all the women in the world like Onision did.

[@GameTavern2224]

At that point... I'd welcome the death star

[@darthplagueis13]

@@whiskeyhound Yeah... I'm beginning to think that Norman has some kind of personal vendetta against the poles....

[@whiskeyhound]

@@darthplagueis13 He's never gotten over Santa not being real... I'm joking, but that could seriously be the reason given that it's Norman.

[@abbym9954]

The worst part of this, to me, is that there's a real potential for an interesting story hidden in the depths of this. A freakishly powerful but unintelligent alien life form takes a spoiled young girl as it's host, and proceeds to cause global catastrophes in response to her fears and whims. The leaders of the world are left scrambling to calm and mollify her, while also struggling to get this child to understand enough about advanced physics for her to be able to direct the force within her to fix the problems that it caused. Occasionally she gets distracted and just summons, like, mountains of gold and makes it eternally daytime because she's just a child and doesn't understand the ramifications of her selfish actions. In the hands of a competent author, it could be a genuinely interesting read.

[@RosesTeaAndASD]

I like that.

[@thepigeonmanlyon7155]

Interesting concept; reminds me of that one Twilight Zone episode where a little boy is given world-altering powers and everyone in the town has to constantly think happy thoughts, or else they could disturb the boy and he might snap them out of existence.

[@suitov]

@@thepigeonmanlyon7155 That's exactly what I came here to mention too! It was a good story, truly terrifying.

[@deen7530]

I think there's an SCP like that, a little girl who's a reality warper. Among other things, she made Santa become real.

[@bloodrosereaper2099]

Wasn't there a Twilight Zone episode with a similar premise?

[@mollydarling1993]

Tbh I feel bad for Hal. I know he's just a space jellyfish, but imagine being bonded to a self-righteous megalomaniac college sophomore for 600 years

[@InhumanFan98]

I dont beleve Hal can think

[@mollydarling1993]

@@InhumanFan98 he and Theresa have something in common then 😆

[@InhumanFan98]

@@mollydarling1993 i thought the ending would have gone lovecraftian with teresa becoming a dark goddess as her children slaughter humanity, she would perminantly fully fuse with hal and become a nightmareish abomination

[@baalgodofrain]

Wait…a glowing ball of an intelligent AI that latches onto a young girl that can give her superpowers…OH SWEET MACKEREL, WE’RE IN BEYOND TWO SOULS!!!!!!

[@BlackScreenProductions125]

@@baalgodofrain oh fuck.

[@caroline5576]

Is no one gonna talk about how unimaginably cruel Theresa is to her children? Imagine only being born to write books and be used as a sheep tool for your parents. They don't even have names! Imagine being stuck as a preteen forever and not being allowed to live an independent life because you were only born to be used as a tool. Talk about psychological child abuse.

[@OddHunter5504]

Imagine the constant preteen hormones running through you forever and never getting done with puberty

[@isdrakon9802]

@@OddHunter5504 yeah it's likely they'd be boning each other for years

[@mst3kharris]

For a heartbreaking look at being trapped in a child’s body forever while your mind ages into adulthood, I refer you to _Interview with the Vampire._

[@ruyekahatori3073]

'names can be too much alike, so we just numbered them' Until everyone does that because Theresa is empress god queen and people start to copy her and name their children after numbers. Also lets remember she mutated their genetics (i assume) so all the boys look like their dad and the girls look like her, and they all have her hair color.

[@aturchomicz821]

This is why Religion is harmfull to everything and everyone

[@hazedteatime8344]

This man deserves a Nobel peace prize for not committing arson due to this book

[@JustPixelNoIDontWantAnyNumbers]

we dont know that

[@ahabtheplant]

more like congrats for not committing mass murder, starting with the author.

[@ingeborg-anne]

Send an email to the UK PM. That's apparently how that prize works now

[@QJ89]

If there was any published book that deserved to be burned...!

[@jackhazardous4008]

They give those out to anyone these days

[@YowLife]

The plot twist of Theresa's love Steve revealing his true name was most shocking. Who would of guessed his original name was Norman?

[@trapadvisor]

You got a check mark and aren’t the top comment? I didn’t know that was possible

[@filmandfirearms]

I remember this detective show, Republic of Doyle, using something like that to reveal the killer. Basically, the killer wrote a novel and pulled exactly that trick in it. The whole purpose of it being in the episode was to show how insanely overconfident and self absorbed the killer was, and Norman Boutin did it seriously

[@YowLife]

@@trapadvisor Well having a check mark doesn't make me my comments any more special.

[@trapadvisor]

@@YowLife oh it’s just an emoji?

[@trapadvisor]

@@YowLife took you a while to reply lol

[@mikec1222]

"I made my clone babies stay prepubescent so they wouldn't fool around with each other" ... Ok Norman you got me that was definitely not the sort of sentence I'd thought I'd see in any book ever

[@anothercub6958]

Yeah... that kinda sounds like Norman projecting. Just saying that no normal person would first think that they should not leave their kids in the same room in fear of incest...

[@Yawyna124]

It's curious to consider what lens he is viewing that through. On one hand the fascination with prepubescent sexual development can have some obvious implications towards pedophilia, but on the other, another potential lens might be that of a sexual abuse survivor who either experienced or witnessed it as a formative event of their early life. There is, of course, another sinister and very kinky one that kiiiiinda matches with Theresa's overall controlling behavior and sexual fixation. To have the control of the sex life of 420 people almost entirely is **a lot** of power. The sexual development, their potential for sexual discovery, and through both of those things, the sexual identity of all of them are intimately controlled by Theresa, someone who has shown themselves to be incredibly controlling, displays incredible sloth towards things that aren't related to her immediate interests (those things that are, of course, receive excessive and often damaging treatment), and who regularly admires the sexual form of her body and manipulates people's perception of her through it. In a way, Theresa is very much a dominant in the sex lives of these 420 individuals who are forever preteen. Now, I'm not saying he fancies Theresa in that particular way, but there isn't a total absence of subtext suggesting a power fantasy of being able to control most aspects of the sex life of many other people with that detail's inclusion. Edit: Just because I want to paint a fair picture of BDSM in that possible theory, this is most definitely an abusive relationship in reality moreso than a consenting, healthy, one. Largely due to the fact that children cannot consent, particularly ones that are kept in a childlike state due to a very irrational demigod.

[@mikec1222]

@@Yawyna124 Yeah it's pretty fucked, would have been better to drop this attempt to make a "non-sexualized" character because his attempt to do so made it that much more warped than the usual foolishness.

[@addicted2mako]

Literally a Dragon Fredrik Knudsen (who did the Down the Rabbit Hole video KrimsonRogue referenced in Part One) did a livestream where he read the chapters that were available on Norman’s website. The part where Jane the handler told Theresa over and over again to not tell anyone about HAL gave Fred the theory that Norman experienced some sort of child abuse himself and was parroting the same phrases told to him. It might also explain why he keeps bringing up the idea that her good deeds should be rewarded and bad ones punished. Given how little we actually know about the man, it wouldn’t be surprising if something like that were the case

[@Yawyna124]

@@addicted2mako Yeup. Why I included it as part of my proposals for potential reasons that Norman is like this: being a bit broken when it comes to understanding how relationships work is something that can crop up in those circumstances: Norman definitely seems like someone who could be projecting their formative abuse onto their character Theresa perhaps without really knowing that they're doing it.

[@caseyw1288]

a horrifying thing i feel was glossed over: theresa said the authors of the books didn't have names, just numbers because it was "easier". the authors of the books are revealed to be her children. theresa didn't give her children names. she gave them numbers. how horribly dehumanizing must that have been??? imagine poor 561 reading a book with like. actual character names with meanings and symbolism and wondering why they didn't get one.

[@CandyHatsuneWolff]

Exactly. Theresa is a narcissist with no sense of boundaries, so her children are only an extension of her, her property, her limbs. They have no personal identity.

[@absolutelyyousless7605]

It may even build some resentment towards their “humble creator”... enough to lead them to build an underground resistance, organized with various groups which have been oppressed & dissatisfied by her, built for the sole goal of deposing the upstart dictator & freeing earth from her tyranny!

[@awesometown1000]

Morphing Taxi True, but you’d still think she’d give them names. Hell, just copy and paste names from the Bible. That would at least be slightly interesting.

[@ruyekahatori3073]

@@awesometown1000 theres a few options -do what George Foreman did, name them all after themselves with "Jr, III, IV, V," etc -the finding Nemo way- "We'll name this have Steve Jr, and this half, Theresa Jr."...and maybe ONE named Nemo (or Hal)

[@feritperliare2890]

@@ruyekahatori3073 but that would still make them have a sliver of humanity but doing so would make people forget that it's all Theresa that she is the savior she created them they are all directly hers and they are her gift

[@perciusmandate]

Theresa blithely waltzing out of a space coffin and calmly explaining that she kept her 420 perfect super-genius children in a prepubescent state for 600 years so they wouldn't commit incest is about the most Theresa way Norman could have ended this book. Christ, what a fever dream.

[@dodojesus4529]

**420 blazeit*

[@ChewyTwee]

Oh my god I read that, and thought it was some parody of what Norman would write

[@Nanthecowdog]

Sweet home Alabama

[@d.tsukuyomi1869]

At the very least, it's in-character.

[@gracekim1998]

What?😶

[@criminalsen2441]

Are we 100% positive Norman isn't three little kids in a trenchcoat? His writing ability, understanding of the world and response to criticism is all on the level of a ten year old.

[@alfredvickers4054]

So THAT'S why all the children at the end were perpetually stuck at ten years old!

[@killdozer7792]

"Fun" fact: When Norman's sister suffered terminal cancer, literally the first thing Norman did was use it as an excuse to advertise Empress Theresa. When she passed, the first post he made WASN'T a mourning celebrating her life, it was bashing the haters who didn't like his book. TL:DR - Norman cared more about his story than his own family. So, yes, he may as well have been ten years old.

[@JJLiu-xc3kg]

“Everybody has a summer cabin”-Because there’s only summer? Yeah, I’m pretty sure now every cabin is a goddamned summer cabin.

[@Sylphella]

Norman grew up in Massachusetts, right? I have a feeling that he may have spent time on cape cod, a place that is full of houses that are only really used for the summer by either the owner or entitled people wanting to go on vacation and is basing his world view on that.

[@JJLiu-xc3kg]

Mateta14 Yeah, my joke was that Norman mentioned summer cabins specifically, and how that proves he really did forget he made the winter literally disappear.

[@bificommander]

Actually, they are spring or fall cabins. I don't think either Rogue, Theresa or Norman realized it, but removing the axial tilt of the earth removes BOTH extreme seasons. Everything averages out around spring or fall levels of temperature. So good news, no eternal heat. Bad news: Large swaths of the earth will starve without the hot season needed to grow crops.

[@Sylphella]

@@bificommander What about winter cabins? I feel like there are people who go away during the winter to areas that have beautiful scenery just to enjoy the snow in quiet.

[@bificommander]

@@Sylphella Well, then those people are idiots. Theresa decided she didn't like winter, so much so that she fucked over the entire earth on a whim to get rid of it. And Theresa is never wrong! Those people who enjoy winter scenery are just idiot trolls that Theresa doesn't have to bother with.

[@catlinejade3672]

i wasn't angry with this book.... until he said the discovery of Tutankhamon's tomb only generated a "few pages" of writing. One of the most important discoveries... AN INTACT TOMB IN ANCIENT EGYPT: INTACT. The knowledge about furniture, food, habits of burial, every fucking thing... jesus i cant even.

[@hollieginoza7935]

But they were dirty heathens and saint theresa's head is just soooooo much better than a guy from the middle east. Don't forget this is the guy who sees no values in Notre Dame, The Mona Lisa, or the native wildlife of Europe.

[@kalebtewodros]

Found the egyptologist

[@kalebtewodros]

I respect that

[@vermin2378]

um joans hair is more valuable. idiot.

[@QJ89]

This speech should cap off a Year Mix, like I plan to do. Who's with me?

[@essixthefalcon8657]

I forgot that Theresa has the alien power and I was like: "Huh. So who gave a bad DND DM creative mode?"

[@butterballporkbunthetoymak]

Essix TheFalcon this is what you do in games like Fable or the sims before you get bored because the destruction and rampant murder/thievery made you lose interest after a bit.

[@daryno9073]

Plot twist in a better and funnier story: the driver who hit her with the car was actually that lawyer lady that she was harassing

[@randomboy3m98]

“Parry this you filthy casual.”-Lawyer Lady.

[@everlastingdragon4520]

As much as that would be sweet, it can't happen as Theresa seemingly never got rid of the curse she set on Connie (the lawyer).

[@kirabad-artist6532]

@@everlastingdragon4520 She asked someone to do it for her?

[@Eloraurora]

@@kirabad-artist6532 Lawyer lady died of a heart attack because the ambulance couldn't transport her (due to the curse.) One of her descendants took Theresa down in revenge.

[@m.b3839]

I am astonished that the world hasn't ended yet because of this book, but it's getting pretty damn close to it

[@artistica-artyc.9210]

Not teasing, but you said it twice lol

[@m.b3839]

@@artistica-artyc.9210 oh shit u right

[@Error403HRD]

@@m.b3839 rip lol

[@np8139]

I don't think it's any coincidence that coronavirus cases skyrocketed since Krimson started reviewing this "book."

[@Ostentatiousnessness]

The whole plot point about the mini-HALs might be written as: These people might develop these powers and misuse it. How I interpreted it: HOW DARE THESE FILTHY PEASANTS DARE TO BE SPEICIAL? THIS IS MY POWER! NO ONE ELSE DESERVES IT!

[@thetimmon]

ya know, the idea of a book from the perspective of a mentally deluded individual with a god complex going through mental gymnastics without realizing said god complex sounds kinda interesting. that book probably already exists, and this certainly ain't it, but if someone can name one that does that/something similar, please do tell me!

[@chongjunxiang3002]

@@thetimmon Here is a horrible one: Reaper's Creek

[@porcirain9143]

@@chongjunxiang3002 we want one actually written by someone sane

[@_AngryPanda]

@@thetimmon try death note. The manga/anime not the netflix version 😖

[@thetimmon]

@@_AngryPanda already seen it, and Light doesn't really go through much mental gymnastics to say he doesn't have a god complex, he just straight up has one and owns up to it in like, ep3 "i'll be the god of the new world!" and, tbh, while death note is a good starter anime, it's not really one i consider overall good, because after ep25 it kinda goes to shit. no idea manga, heard it was paced better to be more half/half?

[@EFantasic]

The writer's approach to morality and common sense in this book actually scares me. There's something seriously wrong with him.

[@nocount7517]

I remember reading comments basically saying he sounds like he's schizophrenic. These reviews only enforce that notion.

[@CandyHatsuneWolff]

The dude's mentally, emotionally and spiritually sick.

[@jackblack3718]

Whenever you give a character godlike powers and make them right, it will ALWAYS lead to bad morality.

[@gracekim1998]

That we can agree on😅

[@chini-chini]

3:55 "The desert of Iran. Your countries are all desert because the land is flat." Hi. Actual Iranian here. I'm so glad that Krim took the time to look up some info about Iran's topography, because yes, fun fact: Iran's geography is characterized PRIMARILY by how mountainous it is. Also, the entirety of Iran is not a desert. There are lush rainforests along the Caspian sea, and much of the north gets snowfall in winter, including in Tehran. Even in the south, large portions of the land are not true deserts, but are in fact considered steppe climates with great diversity in flora and fauna. It's hardly a wasteland covered in sand dunes. I know this is such a small issue in comparison to how bad the book as a whole is, but I couldn't help but laugh when I heard this excerpt. Thanks for suffering through this book/review, Krim, you're a brave soul.

[@jesterscircus.3490]

That was fun to learn

[@ivoryinkwell7864]

I knew how mountainous Iran was but I had no idea about the rainforests! Once this horrific review series is done I'm going to go research that.

[@chini-chini]

@@ivoryinkwell7864 I recommend looking up the forests of Gilan province! Places like Rudkhan castle, for example, are located in very beautiful mountain forests. :)

[@JudasFm]

@@chini-chini Ooh! My turn to research stuff! *rushes off to look up Rudkhan castle and Iranian rainforests* Honestly, I had the same image as Ivory Inkwell: that Iran was all mountains and desert. Thanks for the education 😊

[@chini-chini]

@@JudasFm For sure, I'm excited to hear that people are interested to learn more about Iran! 😭❤️

[@pissedoffturtle7333]

I feel like Norman is right about himself being a messenger from God, only Empress Theresa is actually some sick divine punishment rather than the masterpiece he's somehow convinced it is.

[@adhominemetc]

We've been praising too many good books. It is time for the Punishment

[@glasshibou]

When Cthulhu has nightmares, he dreams of Theresa.

[@JimmyWalters1]

You know, I think I remember a story about the chinese making a new version of the bible that's communist-friendly. "Haha, you wanna rewrite my book, you fucks!?"

@@JimmyWalters1 : the Bible already is socialist-friendly...

[@andrewparsons2391]

Sure, but which God? Tzeencth, the god of madness and change (to represent the MENTAL effect of his book on mortal minds)? Khorne, god of rage and war (to represent the EMOTIONAL effect of his book on mortal minds)? Nurgle, the god of stagnancy and decay (to represent Norman himself)? Or Slaanesh, god of perverse self-indulgence (to represent Norman's feelings towards his creation)?

[@elliwesishawkins4799]

Theresa: *walks out with hundred of children* Me: oh she couldn’t absorb the other HALs so she moved them into her kids Theresa: actually I figured out how to absorb them and just had kids that I mentally manipulated to never mature beyond a prepubescent state Me: ...wHAt

[@CandyHatsuneWolff]

That confused me too! Supposedly there were 412 HALs and 420 kids, so at first I thought Norman had screwed up one of the numbers.

[@TheBonkleFox]

this is empress theresa. the plot does not follow any consistent pattern for the whole rest of the book, why start at the ending

[@echomikoart]

I honestly thought that too,but i was sadly surprised

[@isdrakon9802]

@@TheBonkleFox to insult anyone who made it through the book

[@Eriennexton]

"The Chief of the Fire Department is a hero. Anyone would have told him to stay and help put out that massive fire- but what did he do? He ran away, went down to the street, and knocked on the door to talk to a little girl who knew NOTHING about fires and potentially might not have cared - to see what SHE thought! He deserves a medal!"

[@bificommander]

Of course. Anyone with the wisdom and insight to know that only talking to her can ever truely solve a problem, is worthy of her praise. (Naturally, everyone else should be praising her.)

[@r3negadex]

Bold of you to assume that woman uses logic.

[@SorowFame]

I’m guessing that also under Theresa logic that girl said to just let that historically significant house that’s been in the owner’s family for generations burn and just move somewhere else.

[@gabbyheart1775]

Ths brought tears to my eyes. Thank you

[@swhite7929]

Wait... How the hell can Joan of Arc's hair be perfectly preserved?? She was BURNED AT THE STAKE. That generally doesn't leave much hair intact.

[@eldritchabomination9726]

THAT'S WHAT I WAS WONDERING TOO! Did Norman just not actually read up on Joan?

[@swhite7929]

@@eldritchabomination9726 Maybe there's some catholic myth about it, idk... but good luck convincing the very Cartesian, rational, mostly-atheist French that this random haired skull is Joan's (yikes, is there still skin on that skull? how does the hair even stay on?). Even Catholics over here don't typically believe in miracles and relics.

[@Dragonflier001]

Then they burned her twice more for good measure, then dumped her ashes in a river.

[@therealfulgens]

Eldritch Abomination no he just fucked his Joan of Arc sex doll and made shit up based on two facts he heard

[@thequeenofcringe1585]

Someone said in another thread that norman was probably trying to legitimize Joan of Arc’s sainthood, since there’s a few saints that were supposedly immune to fire. Also norman wrote an essay or some shit about how Joan of Arc didn’t die from the fire, but by suffocation. Even if she did die because of suffocation, that wouldn’t really matter since her body was burned multiple times so that there wouldn’t be any relics made from her body. Also it takes 1-2 years for hair to decompose , so Joan of Arc’s hair being perfectly preserved is made even more impossible.

[@seventeen_nights7368]

"Because we need to have a cliffhanger" There was a school shooting?

[@legofan6669]

Onisicon?

[@legofan6669]

*oniscion

[@kamudo999]

we should made a meme out of this

[@patchmoulton5438]

@@ivan-alexanderpetlev1646 *picks up the phone* This is a robbery

[@evies.1018]

Patch Moulton “No, this is Patrick.”

[@mechazoic]

If Norman loves Joan of Arc so much I wonder how his research missed the part where her remains weren’t burned once, they were burned several times. This was done specifically to reduce all of the bones to ash and prevent them being used as relics.

[@MechaWyvern707]

Norman was weirdly obsessed with Joan of Arc to the point that he wrote an entire essay insisting that she died from heatstroke rather than being burned, presumably because he refuses to believe her body was destroyed by the fire.

[@TheBonkleFox]

@@MechaWyvern707 it wouldn't surprise me if it turned out Norman was actually just a sockpuppet made up by Gilles from Fate/Zero.

[@vraolet]

I would like to add that, as a French citizen, that no one gives a shit about Jeanne d'Arc here, I mean we learn about her in history class but past that she is just an historic figure like the others. France was around for thousands of years and we pretty famously denied our historic religion, so yeah we don't care about Saints that much.

[@Jessamine29]

@@vraolet that explains why Norman spent that time dumping on Paris and French people, petty fanboy revenge.

[@vraolet]

You re saying that Norman hates France because we don't give Jeanne d'Arc enough respect juice for his taste? xD

[@BlueberryBlanket]

"This book is Chernobyl" Chernobyl: -erupts into radioactive flames- Probably because it's insulted you compared it to this trash

[@shepard1175]

50,000 people used to live here now it’s a ghost town

[@bificommander]

"Wow, this Theresa character is unlikable and irresponsible." Comrade Dylatov.

[@christiegreenwood2642]

Telling an entire nation "can't you just live somewhere else" was always going to go down well.

[@armintargaryen9216]

Tell that to Palestinians...

[@christiegreenwood2642]

@@armintargaryen9216 What???? The hell are you talking about?

[@averagegoatman]

@@armintargaryen9216 it's uh... it's sarcasm

[@shrimp.trap3]

tbh Israel shouldn’t have existed in the first place. It’s built on settler colonialism and white supremacy and the original settlers practically shunned and abused the Holocaust survivors who chose to emigrate there. Holocaust survivors were considered weak for “letting themselves be captured”. It’s terribly disgusting how the Israeli government treated its most vulnerable citizens. Antizionism ≠ antisemitism and free Palestine 🇵🇸

[@jansalomin]

@@christiegreenwood2642 They were referring to the expulsion of Palestinians from Palestine

[@9000grimreaper]

The secret is that book doesn't exist. You own an SCP or some Great Old One taken this form to most efficiently destroy what remains of your sanity and the planet at large.

[@9000grimreaper]

@ You have just made me aware of something very interesting. Thank you.

[@manospondylus]

Salkafar Isn‘t that about a play instead of a book?

[@localegoist4079]

fair enough

[@smjaiteh]

Most people don’t understand the complex foreign policies involved with the Middle East, but Norman took it to the next level by not even understanding the basic geography.

[@xryeau_1760]

*not even understanding basic geography

[@artistica-artyc.9210]

@@xryeau_1760 lol he dont got intelligence period

[@KatarnandKanos]

The part where Theresa dimisses the discovery of King Tut's tomb as just "some interesting objects to look at" but not much writing is so ignorant of archaeology. The amount of information that archaeologists can glean from examining even common, everyday objects is staggering. They don't learn things about past civilizations just by finding written documents. If that was true then we'd know nothing about any pre-historical society.

[@hollieginoza7935]

This is the brainless wonder who said that Notre dame is just a pile of stones ignoring the architectural history of it and its influence on literature by inspiring The Hunchback of Notre Dame. Not to mention it's own interesting political history when the statues were beheaded by french revolutionaries.

[@dylanchouinard6141]

Also, Tutankhamen was a major historical figure. He helped restore the traditional Egyptian religion after his father Akhenaten tried to implement a cult of monotheism, all while being crippled and being insanely inbred. The Living Image of Amun does not deserve this disrespect

[@Nixeu42]

@@dylanchouinard6141 I mean...given his age and deformities, there's some question as to whether it was him who did that, or the priests using him as a figurehead after his father's death. As I understand it, mind. I'm not exactly an Egyptologist.

[@dylanchouinard6141]

Nixeu Harroc Yeah, I honestly think it’s a 50-50 chance

[@kissarococo2459]

@@dylanchouinard6141 yes, we know a lot of the traditions egyptians had because of the findings in his tomb!

[@michel0dy]

I can't, for the love of god, understand how the hell Norman intended to make Theresa feel likeable at all. She's a villain. She's one of the most megalomaniacal super villains I've ever seen in fiction.

[@unimpartialobserver]

Solipsism is a large part of narcissism.

[@damn_son9683]

This book in a nutshell: "That's humility," Theresa says, as she boasts about her 'accomplishements'.

[@FukushimaFriedChick]

So basically humblebragging.

[@Hamun002]

In history, Iran was called by a different name: Persia, Breaker of Empires. The reason being THE INFAMOUS MOUNTAINOUS TERRAIN, MAKING IT INCREDIBLY DIFFICULT TO INVADE IM HAVING A STROKE. I'M STROKING OUT

[@waharadome]

Just move the mountain out of the way, tf?

[@hollieginoza7935]

Norman can't be wrong. He got degrees and he was sort of in the military he says.

[@charliejones3272]

wait, I thought breaker of empires was afghanistan?

[@admiralshadowofasunderedst3068]

@@charliejones3272 I believe Afghanistan was the graveyard of empires

[@justin2308]

Geez, and I always thought Russia had the game-changing environment. Their winter months have stopped at least two armies in their tracks. Lesson Learned: If you’re building an empire, you might as well stay away from the entire Eurasian landmass because there’s no way.

[@RocknRoll301199]

Theresa: "Guess I'm such a humble good person that I just want everyone to have freedom from fear" Also Theresa a few chapters prior: *I'll ruin the life of anyone who is a mild annoyance to me*

[@NapaCat]

Lawyer: Um, I am doing my job in suing you. Theresa: You little...

[@Nitosa]

"You interrupted me. Nobody interrupts me. I don't need you." Theresa-

[@davidmauriciogutierrezespi5244]

Is so funny that the cats come to comfort Krimson but leave as soon as he continues reading, not even they can tolerate this awful Dumpster Fire

[@slevinchannel7589]

Krimson covers 'Book-Whackyness', ok, but what about Films? What about Real-Lifes? If its not too random to ask: Can i give you some watch-suggests? I promise Whackyness!! I mean, even aside from REAL-LIFE-THERESA 'Kat Kerr', covered by the KZbinr 'Telltale' again and again, i got soe much to watch-suggest.

[@vsGoliath96]

I just love this book so much because of just how many times Theresa has killed all life on Earth. Stopped the wind? Everything is dead. Giant pillars of water reaching into the atmosphere? Everything is dead. Nuking the poles? Everything is dead. Changing the tilt of the Earth to make it eternal summer? Everything is dead. 24/7 daylight? Everything is dead. Norman just cannot understand that life on Earth is an amazingly delicate thing that came about through an astronomically small set of circumstances. Life exists on this planet because of the way the planet is. If you start changing things, even a little bit (looking at you, carbon emissions), you can really fuck shit up. And that's not even talking about the vast scale of the changes that Theresa is making.

[@TheBonkleFox]

y'know for being as much of a creationist as he is, i'm surprised norman doesn't even stop to think of that whole "life just happened to form in this exact delicate spot" shit that the fucking banana man goes on about. way to go, norman. if it weren't for ray comfort's despicable editing tactics you'd rank lower than him to me.

[@stardoogalaxie9314]

@@TheBonkleFox what are you even talking about?

[@nah6892]

@@stardoogalaxie9314 onision. Pretty much norman if he were younger and instead of being a radical christian he is a radical atheist

[@CandyHatsuneWolff]

@@stardoogalaxie9314 Ray Comfort is a religious conman who tried to prove creationism through the perfection of the banana, and later had to retract it because bananas have been heavily altered by deliberate breeding by humans.

[@jeremygarcia25]

@@CandyHatsuneWolff an tj kirk proved a banana also fits perfectly up his ass check mate religitards

[@witherrose1566]

Imagine destroying thousands in property and injuring thousands and not getting in any trouble. I didn't know she was a politician

[@butterballporkbunthetoymak]

Wither Rose worse she's richer than Jeff Bezos

[@CandyHatsuneWolff]

Oh, but she WASN'T ELECTED BAI TEH PEOPLEZ 😆

[@leothebackgroundsheep3010]

Candy Wolff I mean, she calls herself empress. Emperors don’t tend to be elected.

[@elizabethhogan1610]

Chastity: Theresa marries the first man she ever liked after dating for a month, mostly so they could have sex. Fairness: Theresa renders the lawyer unable to drive a car to demean her, instead of facing her fairly. Kindness: Did she EVER praise someone without sneaking in praise for herself? Selflessness: She did nothing that didn't benefit her in some way. Temperance: That time she drank like two liters of extra-alcoholic beer.

[@slevinchannel7589]

She's a B--ch. In many ways.

[@Nitosa]

even if this isn't a value, heartless because she scoffed of a man's death from a jet 12 miles in the air and then made some really tactless remarks on a dead man.

[@MODDEDbyBACTERlA]

I'm surprised Norman thought it would be a good idea to name Theresa's husband "Norman" and claim his a nickname is Steve.

[@marychouvarda6875]

Wait, Steve's real name is Norman?

[@MODDEDbyBACTERlA]

@@marychouvarda6875 Yeah, I think it's only mentioned once. But still it's easy to figure out what the author was doing there.

[@VanityTheVantropist]

@@MODDEDbyBACTERlA Wait, that wasn't a joke? Omg...

[@edwardtrooper7027]

So he self inserted himself with his mary sue waifu.... Eh... Sounds right.

[@addambelmont3050]

I don't see the issue. He just named a character after himself.

[@jaythegnome1631]

Here is a list of examples of Theresa violating some virtues, as requested: Order: The Arctic is exploding. Kindness: The incident where a lawyer who dared do her job and which inconvenienced Theresa could not commute via any car ever. Intelligence: Any time Theresa tries to talk physics, mathematics, economics, psychology, world politics, etc. Humility: "Theresa is such a good girl." Faith: God is only present when she wants something and is never thanked or credited for her accomplishments. Also, Jerusalem. Hope: Every climate change she has caused ever and instilling fear in world leaders. Common sense: Her entire existence.

[@jaythegnome1631]

@Morphing Taxi Ask Norman lol

[@AlfherRandwulf]

I like how those can be transferred to deadly sins as well. Pretty sure she got them all in some way.

[@Nerobyrne]

we must never forget that the Arctic is STILL EXPLODING! HOLY SHIT!

[@jaythegnome1631]

@@Nerobyrne never forget!

[@anothercub6958]

I like how you cite the arctic exploding as a violation of order when she destroys ecosystems all the time when she starts the tectonic plate shuffling.😆

[@dinosour2140]

“Wave of unconsciousness” People in swimming pools: “Guess we’re done with life”

[@isdrakon9802]

People on boats and planes, high speed roadways, everyone on motorcycles

[@yukaiyami]

People on cars, surfing, driving boats, up on buildings doing construction, even patients on anesthesia under the knife. Theresa efficiently offed around 10% of the population just doing their own things.

[@captainfiri7619]

Reminds me of GrayStillPlays Sims 4 lol

[@SwiftNimblefoot]

Also, everyone driving or flying a plane at the time. And well, if they get unconscious and left like that for years without anyone taking care of them, they would die pretty fast.

[@ReddGier]

Only five parts? But there were seven seals, weren't there? Also, I'd rather much imagine that this whole book was about a girl who went into a coma after a fox spat a ping pong ball in her face and we were all witness to her fever dream.

[@thereviewcritic232]

The best response to this post truly 😂

[@csmead209]

Oh I hope she never wakes up. I hope they pull the plug.

[@johngoodman4829]

This one additional little piece of info would have made the book a passable read

[@aurydoesstuffs]

The only coma theory I'm ok with honestly, it means the world around her is still intact

[@jackhazardous4008]

the fox actually gave her coronavirus and she's patient zero

[@shshshs_shutup]

i actually saw this book at a thrift store, being sold for a euro. needless to say, i bought it so everytime i feel bad about my writing skills, i can read a page and get a confidence boost

[@RobertMcBride-is-cool]

Seriously? They really overpriced it...

[@theomnissiah-9120]

@@RobertMcBride-is-cool was it being sold as a book or kindling because it’s probably worth more as kindling

[@GippyHappy]

@@RobertMcBride-is-cool The price is for the poor innocent paper they wasted printing it. The words on it actually decreased it's value.

[@lzrshark617]

I keep this playlist and Krim's '64 Squares' review in a dedicated playlist for the same reason. That's actually why I've been binging the entire Theresa review today; have been dealing with a lot of self-doubt as a writer lately, and listening to Krim deservedly roast the ever-loving shit out of this 'book' has done wonders for my mood

[@CollegeDroputPowerpoints]

A good writing 101 tip: get copy of empress theresa for your inner critic.

[@mercaius]

Theresa: "God intended me to have this super alien and control all the world." Also Theresa: "Oh no you can't just give unlimited power to random losers, I have to stop it!"

[@kiram.3619]

Good point! I didn't think of that.

[@comradet0m]

And after waking up, everyone promptly starved to death as nobody had been growing food for 600 years and the stockpiles would have long since rotted away/expired.

[@whiskeyhound]

The animals that were still alive would've devoured a fair amount of humans well before they starved to death, unless Norm... I mean Theresa put every animal into a coma just so she could create some kind of weird cult where she doesn't name her kids because there's only so many names she could think of.

[@geohiekim8705]

Theresa is basically Graystillplays playing sims/cities skylines except she thinks her plans are actually good.

[@khhnator]

omg... it is

[@Aciarr]

how did i not think of this

[@isdrakon9802]

This is strangely very accurate

[@joshuarieder2865]

One major difference is that Gray is actually entertaining

[@admiralrentableorb9844]

Alright welcome to the game where you can end the world and one of the craziest stupidest ways possible. It's empress Teresa.

[@EliseLogan]

Okay. Our writing group read the whole thing. It was magically worse than you presented it. We kept a tally (sadly, some tallies started later than others because we didn't realize we'd need them, but... better late than never). Here are our final tallies for the book: That's Not How That Works: 1,631 + 26 infinities Gross (mostly misogyny and racism, but some weird sexualizing): 353 + 14 infinities + 3 infinity to the infinity to the infinity to the infinity power + 1 infinity to infinite infinities Fuck you (towards Norman): 182 + 34 infinities + 2 infinity to the infinity power Wiki (times he just info dumps obviously out of wikipedia - we started this too late): 27 + 2 infinities Google Maps (times he is clearly describing stuff from an internet map): 2 Bullfuckingshit: 6 + 2 infinities Woe is Me/Theresa pity parties (again, we started this too late): 110 + 1 infinity Fuck Yeah! [this was our exclamation when an actual terrorist showed up and tried to kill her]: 1 Holy shit, he got something right! : 1 (in Chapter 23) Cataclysms: 56 + 1 infinity Utter stupidity and inability to plot: infinity to infinite infinities Also, we have a number of out of context quotes - things people in our group said in response to crap in the book - here are a few: "Where are the goddamned assassins?" "For a moment we're going to take a vacation in logic town." "And we thought the Arctic ice dicks were the height of absurdity." "This is a true villain story line." "Are the chipmunks now carrying Gatling guns?" "Does that mean we can shoot her with a plywood AK-47? Is that an option?" "[Name redacted], you are not allowed to summon Cthulu." "You wouldn't know humility if it fucked you." "Juiced by an alien." "Pollinating her eggs is right on target for this author."

[@addiction2409]

Comment of the Year Award

[@oncreativemode5486]

article ice WHAT

[@quma2590]

Wow. That is awesome. Thank you for sharing this.

[@Duhgel]

"YOU ARE NOT ALLOWED TO SUMMON CTHULU" LMFAOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOOO

[@dasfowler]

Based on how low these tallies are, I assume they are just your own. I'd love to see them for the whole group

[@dollarstoredearleader1609]

Wait, when the terrorist hits Theresa, how was he driving? Didn't Theresa turn off cars for all terrorists some chapters back?

[@NapaCat]

This book has the internal consistency of a poorly made piece of cake.

[@jackhazardous4008]

I thought that was a joke Krimson made

[@xp_shared6660]

@@NapaCat more like the internal structure of a tent that hasn't been pitched.

[@CandyHatsuneWolff]

@@xp_shared6660 Oh, worry not, Norman pitched that tent. ...hm, I just made myself vomit by writing that.

[@jeremydixon1586]

@@CandyHatsuneWolff by pitched I presume you mean covered in pitch and set on fire.

[@dreadcrimson7966]

_"Religious narcissist ingests _*_G o d - s a u c e ,_*_ becomes despot."_ Damn. That's painfully accurate.

[@KodahSmith]

Absolutely wild that this review started in jANUARY

[@devinsamuel3612]

Theresa wearing the uniform of a man is possibly the most interesting point of the book when you know Norman's obsession with Joan of Arc, and particularly her execution... which was for wearing men's clothes. Having Theresa dress like that and be fawned over while doing instead of being killed/punished is probably the WHOLE GOAL of the book. I would not be amazed if that was the first thing he imagined, his waifu Joan of Arc reincarnated and not being killed, and the rest of the book was him working backwords from that point to try and justify it.

[@chrisbutler8024]

"I left my hair down. figured no one would notice." Absolutely an officer mindset, well researched, 10/10.

[@TheNumber]

Sounds like the average 2nd lieutenant to me.

[@chrisbutler8024]

@@TheNumber Quotes taken moments before getting lost on a landnav course

[@TheNumber]

Chris Butler or my favorite, “I don’t care how long you served first Sargent! I have the higher rank so what I say goes!”

[@Smile4theKillCam456]

He got one thing right, at least.

[@casablahca]

He was in the military

[@sionnadehr3313]

"The MiddleEast is flat and has no mountains." - Norman So, did all of the mountains mentioned in the Bible just crumble to dust? You know, the religious text that takes place primarily in the Middle East??!!

[@Stop_Gooning]

Primarily? Which part *doesn't* take place in the Middle East? The 17 year time skip where Jesus goes to Tibet and India doesn't count

[@Stop_Gooning]

@@trerallan5107 He went to North America for a minute too, just ask a Mormon.

[@SallinKari]

@@Stop_Gooning Egypt isn't usually considered part of the Middle east.

[@Stop_Gooning]

@@SallinKari I mean, the Sinai Peninsula is definitely part of the Middle East

[@sionnadehr3313]

Nathan Witus some of Acts takes place in Greece and the Mediterranean, which is considered part of Europe and not the Middle East. Paul writes almost half of his NT books from a prison in Rome. Also, parts of Genesis and Exodus take place in Egypt which is in Africa and is another region not considered as part of the Middle East. The Middle East references placed like Iraq, Iran, Saudi Arabia, Jordan, Israel, etc. There's also some debate as to whether some parts of Acts reference Paul and Barnabas traveling to Spain.

[@fiora2930]

Does Norman really expect me to believe Joan of Arc's hair was perfectly preserved after she was BURNED at the stake?

[@Mathee]

No, no; see, Norman has a hair fetish (you can see that from how much emphasis he puts on Theresa's hair), and Joan of Arc is his waifu. Therefore, she can't have died by being burned on the stake, and so Norman wrote a paper explaining that Joan of Arc ACTUALLY died from smoke inhalation. Probably so he can fantasize about her body being discovered like it was in this book, and how he can then touch and sniff Joan of Arc's hair

[@bificommander]

And as soon as the smoke killed her, the British doused the flames immediately, because they couldn't stand to see such a wonderful mane get singed.

[@OsirisLord]

Good evidence that Norman Boutin is a narcissists: everything Theresa does is the biggest most important thing ever. She uses her powers for archeology and finds: Joan of Arc's hair! This is the most important find ever. Except, no, it's not. Nevermind that it's most likely impossible but Joan of Arc is a well understood historical person. Finding some new thing about her might be interesting if its say proof she faked the whole visions of God thing and she was actually a cynical atheist her whole life (which would probably be hilarious considering how much Norman fanboys over her). But her hair? Who cares besides weird Joan of Arc fanboys. Translating the language of the Indus River Civilization or other cultures whose written languages we can't decipher because they lack a Rosetta stone would be more useful to archeology and historians than finding Joan of Arc's hair. The only reason this find is important is because Theresa did it and everything Theresa does is the most important thing ever because that's how narcissists think.

[@fahadalghamdi9316]

@@OsirisLord Good to know I was not the only one who is really convinced that the guy is a narcissist. He does not understand how human beings interact at all! have read a lot of bad writing, but what makes this interesting is the fact that characters seem to be so one dimensional that it almost matches the profile of a narcissist.

[@coconutcore]

“I could never top finding Joan” We FINALLY find SOMEONE who can find the Tomb of Alexander...AND SHE QUITS AT JOAN OF ARC! D:

[@hollieginoza7935]

Or cleopatra Or Jimmy Hoffa Amelia Earhart The Roanoke colonists Any number of unknown tombs Norman and Theresa suffered from a severe lack of creativity and curiosity

[@jojol.2630]

Or Ghengis khan

[@hollieginoza7935]

@@jojol.2630 That's a good one too. There's just so many great discoveries to be made anshe stops with joan.

[@MinatheRaichu]

@@hollieginoza7935 well, Earhart's corpse probably got monched by coconut crabs, so might be a little hard there.

[@hollieginoza7935]

@@MinatheRaichu And Joan of Arc was burnt to ash. I don't see the problem.

[@TravisBroski]

Joan of Arc: *was burned to death* Theresa: *has her hair*

[@hollieginoza7935]

Theresa stumbled across a grave with a skeleton with long black hair. She claimed it was joan if arc and the archeologist was too terrified to tell her it was actually the skeleton of a crack addicted man who has been missing for 10 years.

[@TravisBroski]

Hollie Ginoza I like this lore. Man fuck it I wanna see someone rewrite the entirety of Empress Theresa.

[@dylanchouinard6141]

Not only was she burned, she was burned *three times* and then whatever was left was thrown on the Seine River. Because the English explicitly DIDNT WANT RELICS THAT COULD BE VENERATED BY THE FRENCH!

[@killdozer7792]

Everyone has pressures. It's an unavoidable fact in life. But there are in fact two kinds. One of them involves threats to your life and health. We all face these - I'll admit I had more than my fair share of threats like those. The other kind is bearing responsibility for other people's lives and welfare. That's really tough if you care about them. It's a pressure I had to deal with a lot. You think bearing responsibility with your immediate friends and family is tough? Try having to do that with everyone in the entire world. Most people would crack under the sheer pressure. If you'd told ten-year-old-me that I would have to face this responsibility, I'm sure I would have thought the same thing. Oh, but I'm getting ahead of myself. My name is Theresa. I'm the youngest daughter of Edward and Elizabeth Sullivan, and it's fair to say I was spoilt rotten as a child. They called me "The Princess of the Sullivan clan". Embarrassing, I know. Still, I did well at school and I had a good disposition, so I was told. My parents would tell me "We expect great things from you, Theresa". I don't think anyone expected some of the "great things" I ended up doing. I certainly didn't believe it myself. I was just a nobody from nowhere. As a kid, all I could do was figure out what everything was and what to do about it. Yet, years later, I found myself in scenarios no kid could ever really prepare for. I'll always remember what my father, who served a tour in the Navy, would tell me. He said I had to be the captain of my own ship, but the seas would be rough. I often wondered what he meant. Now I know exactly what he was saying.....

[@eldrichnemo9312]

I feel like this goes back to Norman's essay insisting Joan died via smoke inhalation than the actual burning. Combined with his lack of research it's just another reflection of his irrational view of the world.

[@evilpigeonsify]

she says the children are older than Methusela. 600 years passed Methusela was said to be over 900 years old in the Bible

[@Jakey5A9913]

I thought the exact same.

[@hollieginoza7935]

Norman never read the bible. Why else did he assume that the jewish people would happily leave the holy land?

[@andrewollmann304]

I think Noah was just over 600 years old when he died.

[@madisonb.6610]

I am convinced that Thersea is in love with Mr. Parker and that Parker is Norman's self insert. She talks more about him than Steve, her parents, and her sister Catherine combined.

[@ninavale.]

She has a sister? Gods I forgot all about her. I remembered she had parents, ofc but her sister is so rarely mentioned by Krim that I simply forgot Theresa wasn't a single child

[@SorowFame]

Nina .Vale I thinks that’s because Norman seems to have forgotten about her too.

[@ninavale.]

@@SorowFame with how many times he rewrote(allegedly) this whole thing I'm not surprised. Also it's a pretty long book that he had been writing over years and probably never checked previous chapters...

[@ShayLaLaLooHoo]

I thought she had more chemistry with PM Blair 🥲

[@lugoorstar]

@@ninavale. 20 years of making the book.

[@chrishorobin1751]

Nooooo, don't ignore Chapter 22, it features the line "You would've turned to soup." A line, from a husband, delivered to his wife, who was inches away from dying in one of the most horrific, and painful ways imaginable.

[@unimpartialobserver]

It doesn't even have the quirky charm of "You'd have been a Jill sandwich".

[@lou35500]

@@unimpartialobserver that line alone would get you so many bitches compared to norman the simping virgin

[@trial_with_an_error9687]

“I’d be the dictator of North Korea for awhile.” So what changed?

[@hollieginoza7935]

This one wears tight dresses and has bigger boobs.

[@trial_with_an_error9687]

Hollie Ginoza Again, what changed?

[@manospondylus]

Trial_With_An_Error It‘s literally like that one scene from Megamind “You saved us!” “Oh, I wouldn’t say saved, more like under new management”

[@caveman5128]

Disappointed Turtle yes

[@TheBonkleFox]

the new dictator is a good catholic girl as opposed to the mean stinky atheist kim jong un

[@beefcakesmchunkerson9079]

Okay. About Theresa’s hair. Norman wasted a perfect opportunity to show exactly how serious Theresa was about North Korea. If he had her put her hair up, when she was in uniform, it would speak about just how determined she was. How ready for battle. But no, Norman’s kink came first

[@FuelDropforthewin]

I mean it did show how serious she was. Not at all. Which seems accurate.

[@sethmcardle8281]

TBH, that idea reminds me of Violet from A Series of Unfortunate Events. When she came up with an idea, she'd tie up her hair for example, the escape sequence in The Wide Window.

[@taylormorris9595]

It is seriously astounding to me that a book exists that makes Onision's trilogy almost credible. I fear the day that Krimson finds a book that is worse than Empress Theresa. I don't think that our sanity, Krimson's sanity, and the world could handle it if such a book existed that was actually published (self-published or otherwise).

[@taylormorris9595]

@Morphing Taxi I guess it is sad that a much younger author can create a better ironically fun experience. At least the author of that book knows how bad his story is.

[@multilad816]

Anything written by Marquis de Sade.

[@benawesomebw1197]

Morphing Taxi To be fair the author was like 15 when published.

[@dylantrobaugh2580]

My immortal the ultimate self insert fanfiction

[@slevinchannel7589]

HELP. KZbin is weird nowadays, so can you real quick answer me just 1 question? Can you see a time-stamp in this very comment here? Right here and now: 32:05

[@knshinn2]

Also: 'People have been waking up one by one in a RANDOM order for three weeks. It's being done in a manner which MAKES SENSE.' *chef's kiss* World-class writing, Norman.

[@zawrator4457]

Im just imagining that the majority of people just suffocate to death because they are buried under centuries worth of rubble.

[@GippyHappy]

"I'm so smart even I can't understand what I'm doing most of the time" -Theresa, probably

[@ilovemonkeyos]

The time from when your hair was wet to when it dried has more character development and sensical plot than Theresa and this book.

[@dentistguba]

And the tension of hearing the tap still running for a while?

[@GameTavern2224]

That's more than in over 7 fucking hours of Norman's anti christ of a book

[@rachstrobe898]

mmmmmm. Hair

[@AnonymousMemeConnoisseur]

As a man from the American Midwest, I would like to say that I’m offended by your claim that our geographical location is flat; I once saw a hill that was 60ft above sea level. So suck on that.

[@KrimsonRogue]

My mistake. XD

[@SpringDavid]

@@KrimsonRogue your mistake.

[@BlackScreenProductions125]

@@SpringDavid his mistake.

[@kaysaxgod5943]

@@BlackScreenProductions125 his mistake.

[@x-fun3149]

@@kaysaxgod5943 his mistake

[@obviousghost5895]

"Theresa is everything wrong with the concept of fiction." Holy shit.

[@em2478]

petition to reclassify this trash as horror

[@None-Trick_Pony]

@@em2478 Petition to reclassify this fiction as trash.

[@slevinchannel7589]

@@None-Trick_Pony HELP. KZbin is weird nowadays, so can you real quick answer me just 1 question? Can you see a time-stamp in this very comment here? Right here and now: 32:05 ? See something?

[@None-Trick_Pony]

@@slevinchannel7589 Yeah, I can see it.

[@axelvoss9653]

"If ordinary people get ahold of their own HALs, they'll use them for horrible evil, and cause havoc and mayhem!" *B I T C H .*

[@shannonlewis2022]

Yeah, can you imagine the chaos multiple HALs would cause? People could eliminate nighttime, eliminate winter, tilt the planet, turn off the wind, destroy the North Pole…. OH WAIT.

[@alexjewett7455]

​@@shannonlewis2022not to mention all the bullshit she did while the whole planet was in a coma for 600 years.

[@DeadlinePhil]

​@@shannonlewis2022oh right the north pole is still detonating

[@FiendMatadorSlayerOfNoobs]

I'm half-convinced to write a spinoff where one of these people actually survives Theresa's psyker purge and destroys her, and himself along with her so Mankind is free from the yoke of all this nonesense.

[@lou35500]

*holds a mirror in front of theresa* I dont care if i get vaporized ut i got to do this THATS YOU!