THESE ARE THE SIGNS OF TOXIC ADULT PARENTING RELATIONSHIPS (EGGSHELL PARENTING)

[@karyheld1798]

Thank you for sharing your story. People tend to shame adult daughters of BPD mothers who don’t have contact with them. It’s hard to explain the decades of emotional trauma they can put you through to others who don’t have malignant BPD mothers. Wish you continued healing.

[@amandarattray2845]

Anytime I try to explain, everything I say sounds so shallow...I struggle to summarize 30+ years of.... THIS.... Even this comment is so much less eloquent than I imagined.... Just wanted you to know someone can relate...❤

[@island661]

🎯

[@terigallegos5518]

Thank you. I needed to hear this! You described my story to a T! My Mom passed a few months ago. If I'm honest, there's more relief than grief🥺

[@jeffreysherman8224]

YES! I'm so glad you shared this with us! I'm right there with you. Exactly!!! In enduring narcissistic abuse from a young age, I knew by 15 I wouldn't at all grieve my father's death. I didn't have the knowledge of narcissistic abuse or complicated/ambiguous grief yet, but I knew he was someone I would never be able to reach emotionally. When he died I felt tremendous relief and got a renewed hope for life. There was no regret, no denial, no bargaining. (To be completely candid and vulnerable, I had a couple nightmares that he showed back up.) I now know that I've been grieving almost my entire life; grieving myself and my potential, grieving the parental relationships that I wanted and that children need, and grieving because of the isolation from others that coming up in a dysfunctional family system creates. I can't relate to a lot of actions and attitudes that come from having mostly healthy relationships, and many people can't understand my perspective because they haven't experienced consistent invalidation, gaslighting, projection, scapegoating, etc. I shared my feelings with a few people. Some were mildly supportive, but most were taken aback and didn't know how to respond. That was 6 years ago. I have more conviction now. Thank you for letting me feel a little bit less alone.

[@allisonbutler4829]

I truly felt relief when my mom passed. I was emotional, but the sadness was never there. You’re not alone ❤

[@pambrown5382]

I was able to quit smoking when she died. I was relieved too but sad at the same time, I was still holding out hope that she would, one day, be the mother I needed.

[@opticalexcellence-wendytob862]

@@jeffreysherman8224 , I’m sorry that you experienced such dysfunction growing up; no child deserves that. I can relate too. I don’t believe we are the minority either. Please know you are not alone, especially here with this community. This may sound trite and flippant, but it’s not.

[@heathermarney5576]

Yes after listening to this I feel the same way as you wear it was a relief that my mother had passed. I no longer felt obligated because I was her daughter and that I had to talk to her. Birthdays and holidays I dreaded that I would have to acknowledge her because she was very toxic. She tried to pit my sister and I against each other. But my sister was going through the same thing and we bonded together trying to heal a lot of wounds.

[@lauriemarieloves]

I’m currently visiting my parents after not seeing them for over 3 years & I’m being reminded why I’ve created distance. I’ve noticed a lot of these behaviors popping up this week and it’s so hurtful. Things can be going great all day & one or both of them will start a fight. I’ve been healing past trauma for a decade now & they’ve never done their work so I end up feeling like the punching bag because their not even conscious of what their doing or the harm they cause. Sucks to be the conscious one sometimes. 😒

[@marisamarino7596]

I just endured that for the past week visiting my mom and stepdad.

[@aniE1869]

My mom will often say "I raised you better". When I do or say something that she feels makes her look bad. While she was physically there, mentally and emotionally she was absent. She likes when I say something about not really eating junk food or didn't watch much tv/play video games growing up, she would love that because it painted her in a good light. But I how dare I mention that the real reason was often there wasn't food or electricity I suddenly become the ungrateful brat.

[@YasminMahnaz]

That's crazy... I'm late 30s and pregnant and just sick and not calling her often.. I'm only one with kids.. her golden children have none... she preferred boys anyway..I had lot time to think or thoughts memories would come to me about what kind parent she was and it was in back of memory in past.. she was nasty woman and I told her same thing.. we didn't have lot food growing up.. are whatever peanut butter sandwich jam cereal and she got free pass because she saved tons of money and said to us..*u guys don't kno how save..I had 3 kids or 2 or how many and I saved...* ya she saved cause she barely bought me any clothes.. or anything..baggest baggy.. garbage... barely camp.. cause she got discount so she put me in it.. she got so mad

[@djer05010401]

Dr. Sage, I dont feel like you owe us anything. You provide your time, professional expertise, validation, and vulnerability with your KZbin community...for FREE! You are not failing, you are providing a lifeline for so many of us, and you deserve to take whatever personal space and time you need.

[@AndieDenise]

I went no contact last year, my sister just went no contact last week. We are the only children they have, and they still blame us and tell us how ungrateful and disrespectful we are. We are both in our mid-30s 😒

[@amandarattray2845]

😢 sorry to hear it.... I'm one of three; all in our 30's. Two of us are no contact....and, similar to your situation, we made the choice at different times for different reasons. It is so tough to be seen as monsters when we're really just the most hurt people on the Earth (it feels like, at times)...

[@kelbel7168]

I’ve been so angry with myself for “wasted time”; like, I SHOULD have known earlier in life; I SHOULD have had better boundaries etc etc. My work the last few yrs has been learning to give myself that grace & realizing how emotionally unsafe my mom has always been. Tough stuff.

[@ThunderSen]

My parents still support me, so admitting they do wrong things in wrong way, is hard. Especially with CPTSD. Its so easy to be in denial. But any time I protect my boundaries I can feel it.

[@realhealing7802]

You obviously know my mother! You described my life so well. There was no stability. I felt like I was on an emotional roller-coaster. Constant drama. Thank you so much for sharing your experience. You are not alone.

[@LoverofSunflowernBees]

Me too and I’m still trapped in it , I need out of this house before a really go insane..

[@gigicolada]

I am on day two of not having a chance to “check on” my mom. I have an almost 8 month old and a household to run and the past two days have been very busy. I am a 37 year old woman and I still get anxiety when I haven’t had verbal communication with my mother because I know what’s to come. I know that somehow her loneliness will be put onto me under the guise of “venting” that she has no one and no life. I need to solve it for her or be the antidote. I am in therapy and doing better but some days I just want to bury my head in the sand or move far far away.

[@lem8081]

I'm from Paris, I really wish I bumped into you there ! My mom is also an undiagnosed borderline, my childhood has been hell but everyone was/is convinced she's the best mother that has ever walked this earth. It's such an alienating and lonely experience. I'm in my 30s now and she's still the first cause of suffering in my life.

[@owenpark28]

It's like you witnessed my life with both my mother and father. I went no contact off and on. I'm turning 50 yrs old soon. And both my parents have passed. My healing continues even with them gone. Self care is so very important. Thanks for your validation and education. ❤

[@christyaltomare9313]

It felt like you were describing my life exactly. Thank you so much for being so vulnerable and open about your personal experience. This work is so important and everyone needs to hear it.

[@edennis8578]

My mom never helped. Growing up, I was stupid, ugly, worthless. I was Cinderella in our household, spending every evening and Saturday doing housework. When I got married, no help when I came home from the hospital after giving birth, which meant that I had no help at all. No offer to babysit, ever. When I left my narcissist husband, all she said was, "I hope you make it." In a way that implied I wouldn't and it was plain that she meant I was on my own.

[@Shoune10]

The part about how much they hate your spouse made me pause. My husband has been saying this for years now, and I've just come to the realization that he is right. It really does seem like they didn't want me to be married.

[@Conscious58]

They're horrible, Dr. Kim thank you for your work but this can be so triggering as well. As a caregiver for her, feeling trapped in toxicity, with the NPD controlling & isolating behavior getting worse. At 57, never married, no romantic relationships & she secretly prayed for this. Even hates if I spend time with my twin brother (serious triangulation) & tries to keep him away from me. She is responsible for my cptsd & fearful avoidant attachment style & takes 0 responsibility when I call her out on the childhood emotional neglect.. These ppl have so much to answer for when they meet Their Creator.

[@mitzistone4721]

parallell situation here, take good care. I hear you 100%!

[@mjbreitmeyer6021]

Dr Sage, you have just described my situation with my mum - conflict and difficulty in my 20s, 30s & 40s. Her language didn't match her actions, she was being incredibly emotionally unstable and truly hurtful. We have no contact now, essentially because she hung up on me the last time we spoke, which was 5 months ago. I live abroad, and it seems that that makes her feel abandoned, but I don't think it would be any different even if we lived under the same roof. It's an incredibly difficult situation to accept and come to terms with as the old me has been programmed to react and go into people pleaser mode. I feel like a child that has been abandoned by their mother and the grief is very much there, but the yo-yo moods on her part and using me as her punch bag/throwing me under the bus became too much and I could no longer seek excuses based on her past trauma etc without her taking responsibility for her own behaviour. Thank you for discussing these dynamics in such depth and from your own personal experience, can't emphasize enough how valuable it is🙏🏻💕

[@hailiebeaulieu1157]

Tha k you for validating so many of our experiences. The guilt, the eggshells, nobody understanding that bond or intensity- you nailed it.

[@westcoastweird455]

I know this is supposed to be about adult parenting but man does it ever hit so many nails on the head for my marriage with my spouse being enmeshed with his mom

[@adairirene]

Thank you for this video!!! No one has ever been able to describe my relationship with my parents quite that specifically! It's extremely validating! ❤

[@AlitaAvenger]

Travelling always triggered me in a state of almost nonstop flashbacking. Holidays during childhood were hell on earth. Home with my cat is always the best...😊🤍😽 Great to see you back and many thanks for making new videos! Best wishes 🙏

[@nancybartley4610]

Dr. Sage: the more I Iisten to you, the more our issues sound alike. Help-hurt is big. Guilt is big. Big change when I married. Things my spouse says; other people not getting the intensity. My participation in relationship that I regret. Never apologizing. Silent treatment. Many things are different in our experience with our moms, but, boy, a lot is alike.

[@BobbiGail]

Yes! In my last phone conversation with my mother, she told me that my husband told her she was crabby... and then said it didn't bother her and she is over it and wouldn't even explain any circumstance bc "it is done." I wanted to ask, "well, were you being crabby?" But goodness no! She brings up bizarre stuff like this from 2 years ago with no way to even apologize... bc it probably did not happen the way she is letting herself think it did! (PS- she gets very grumpy w her husband sometimes... which even she admits, but we are all supposed to feel sorry for her about that too. Anyway, your comment resonated with me. Looks like a lot of us here can relate to her videos. Thanks for sharing.

[@gigicolada]

Sometimes I feel like a fraud because a lot of my enmeshment trauma happened in my teenage/early adult life. While it went on when I was a child the real damage didn’t happen until later and sometimes I feel like I should have been able to heal from it easier or handle it better since I was technically an adult. Thank you for sharing your personal experiences. It helps so much.

[@denisem8570]

I've really been struggling with an emotional rollercoaster towards my 93 year old mother. It's so acute, painful, confusing and impossible to understand. This explains all my emotions perfectly. Thank you so much. I've saved this to a playlist because I know I'll need to watch it many times in order to give myself grace as long as she lives and for a long time afterwards.

[@heyitsme5469]

My heart goes out to you, Dr. Sage. I can so relate to your story. I'm currently grey-rocking with minimal contact but she finds a way to stir up drama through other people. I'm considering going no contact but ugh what a hard decision. I will be watching for the follow-up videos. Thank you so much for everything you do!

[@railwaychristina3192]

Nine times I went back to contact with my abusive mother...nothing worked. No contact was a piece of cake because I was done and had actually said goodbye a long time ago.

[@garputhefork]

Thanks for your comment about how nobody cuts off contact on a whim. Grey rocking just made my mom rage. Boundaries, same deal. (Or, worse, constant guilt trips.) Of course she has no clue why I'm not speaking to her, even though I clearly laid out what needed to happen in my final email to her. (Of course this was just "OMG you've changed! You've had a psychotic break!" and no actual acknowledgement of what I'd written.)

[@amandarattray2845]

I can relate. Just wanted you to know that. Can't really offer comfort or advice....😢❤

[@MSP2104]

People with mih often cut off contact on a whim… Their daughters don’t. They are often all too loyal. I know, bc I was there too.

[@brose27377]

Send your mom this video and ask her to watch it with an open heart. I'm also a victim of this love/hate with my own mother, whom I miss every day now that she's gone. Some of this has passed on down through me to my own daughter, who has more emotional intelligence than I do. I saw this video when it came out (by chance) and saw myself, my mother and my daughter and it was the lightbulb I needed to save my relationship with my daughter. It will take time, as I don't know if she trusts yet, but the love and willingness to try is there. We just had a four day trip together that was wonderful with absolutely no conflict. We had some wonderful talks and easy silences..... I don't pry or ask questions but rather wait till she tells me something and then listen and offer encouragement. And I will never again hold seomething she tells me against her or turn something around or knowingly hurt her or tell her how something should be done, or rage etc. I've told my daughter this; now it's up to me. My daughter is forgiving and I cannot thank Dr. Sage enough. Dr. Sage maybe saved generations of this family.

[@ashleypg1708]

My situation exactly.

[@shawntelewis7108]

My mom I believe is a diagnosed untreated BP. She told me she was diagnosed during a time when she was seeing a therapist secretly but she dismissed it as if it was nothing... and did not tell full details. But I knew something was deeply wrong with her and told her around my teenage period. She did validate that I told her I felt something was wrong...but she never took therapy seriously for change.. everything your saying hits home...this is why I listen to you in particular. Your intimate stories make me connect and listen more than ever before. At first your videos literally scared me because I connected with them. I tried to talk to therapist before but no connection to this subject. Now I can't stop watching your videos everyday. Thank you😊😂❤!

[@justanotherAA]

Once again, an amazing video. My life described so much. I have gone through all the things you described. The unhealthy dynamics, parentified, unhealthy power dynamics, being idolized and devalued, being raged at, having my mother talk smack about me to my own daughter. I just have started my realization journey just a few years ago. So much to work through.

[@clararob9869]

I wish my mother felt like she could help during difficult life experiences where i desperately needed support, she unfortunately made it 10x worse by either ignoring it, minimising it or siding with the person hurting me. Often a stranger to her. 😢

[@wendywvt3233]

Thank you. Being in therapy for all of my adult life and understanding I’m the adult child. At 48 the signs you’ve verbalised are so strong! It’s wonderful to hear another say it. Help hurt help hurt. Creating a space through vulnerability. So incredibly sad but knowing is power😊

[@carrielassiter8455]

Wow! You just described my life with my mother. My mom did love me, but was SO insecure that she would say things/do things that dissolved much of my self-esteem. I felt responsible for her bc I cared so much about her, but no life of my own. My mother never lied to me or cursed at me, calling me names or took my things. But, she many times wasn’t there for me emotionally. Seems she didn’t know how to be. Then, sometimes she was. She struggled with connecting at times.

[@alexacarrillo4339]

I have always struggled with my mom not caring about my safety unless it is a vague threat like a serial killer at which point I have to do a ton to relieve her anxiety. When my family came out for my son’s graduation I ended up endlessly apologizing to her for snapping about staying out of the kitchen as I was cooking and had just burnt myself because she was demanding I meet her non critical need in the middle of cooking a dinner she demanded. I have struggled with SUD due to trauma and SA by my first stepfather. My dad likes to look at me and say “all addicts should be killed” which of course he did during the graduation. I lapsed but Smart recovery and starting EMDR is giving me more resources to not lapse. My substance is alcohol which is beyond easy to get so I am really working to put more buffers in place.

[@Gweenkween]

Thank you for making these videos. Trying to prepare for a visit from cluster b mom. Having my first kid in a few weeks and my mom is already off the rails with dysfunctional behavior.

[@annahailliebrown7041]

I’m speechless because this is exactly what I’m going through and have no way of leaving just yet. I’m a single mother of two and depend on them for now. My trauma began from birth, so I don’t remember the first 11 years of my life. All I know is that I’ve always had nightmares and panic attacks.

[@MEMH13]

Oh my goodness, this is one thousand percent my life, what I have experienced and am experiencing, with my mom. Thank you for this.

[@todddanforth8853]

Your mother was like my Dad, undiagnosed BPD. It was awful growing up but it got better when I grew up and got married. Moving 600 miles away to marry was the best thing for me to get away from the awful disfunction.

[@Celestia_iris]

I come from one of those cultures that one must respect their elders&ancestors. However there are limits, an obvious example could be if a child’s parent was a murderer, this rule doesn’t apply. The same could be said for adult children going no contact with their parent(s), although from an outsiders perspective they’ll often be dismissive of the adult child talking about their parents badly as they’ve only seen the parents good person mask. I’ve personally had a lot of experiences like this and usually the family and relatives are dismissive, friends and family that have been through similar circumstances are supportive. So directly this rule of children/adult children shan’t disrespect their parents do apply to an extent but if they’re not related/on the same receiving side/mentally mature enough to be capable of believing the child/adult child’s perspective/experience it’s an exception. P. S. The guilt part didn’t apply as I’ve lost hope at 7 that the parents would treat me like a human. Neither did wanting to save them. When a child experiences a major event that permanently altered in their brain and to never expect anything good but harm from their parents, the significance of the alteration in brain chemistry, wiring, developmental impact is too severe. Thus the common patterns and the textbooks don’t apply to them because most of them don’t make it till adulthood.

[@healthseekermama4696]

You are so describing my husband. 🙈 I’ve been confused for most of our 28 year relationship (21 married) wondering why he is the way he is. Now that I’ve opened my eyes and read and done research, I’m pretty sure he learned it all from his mother/parents. It’s been a rollercoaster ride with a blindfold on 😢 Now I’m just trying to extricate myself, which he’s not making easy to do at all so I can find some peace and sanity in my life. Thank you for your content. 🙏🏼

[@naturalhealingmexico]

You are an excellent therapist, one of the very few around to go to the point in more trasendent issues, thanks a lot!!

[@stephaniemorgan2482]

my mom passed away in April. over the past 7 years she and i managed to reframe our relationship into a somewhat mutually respectful one. if she'd have passed away before then I might have actually celebrated her passing because of how inappropriately enmeshed she tried to be with my life. I would estimate that my feelings towards her during the first 30 of the last 40+ years were spent indifferent to her suffering and indifferent to whether she lived or died. her passing was unexpected yet not unexpected. her health poor and she refused to make change. honestly after she died i felt grateful that it was not another dramatic fireball of an accident caused by smoking while using oxygen. I've felt as much relief as i have grief. i miss her, sometimes. other times im grateful for the silence. this experience has been one of the weirdest adventures of my life so far.

[@emilyc8074]

I go there alone too, two or three times a year, (I"m in the UK so it's a lot closer for me) - I now want to have a great long solo Paris conversation with you! I've just had to watch this video twice because (apart from Paris) there was so much that resonated. The point about how great a parent can be when things are going wrong, so true, and I used to then blame myself about our relationship, thinking that it must be my fault for not sharing more or letting them in or being more vulnerable and it was me not letting them be a parent. Inevitably they would then use everything I'd shared with them shortly after to my detriment and then I'd blame myself for that too for falling for it again. it was all so painful and normal and all an illusion. Thank you for your posts.

[@NSEasternShoreChemist]

I heard someone on Reddit call this dynamic the "fair-weather parent". I hear you

[@restlessmosaic]

No apologies needed - you process what you need to process, learn whatever you need to learn, and come back whenever you need to come back. I just tried to hammer some stuff out with my parents after 4 years of no contact between us (which they actually initiated). It got messy very quickly. They think they have made their case very clearly and plainly that I have taken our personal issues public and mocked them more than once. They linked two tweets four years ago that showed no mocking that I was aware of, and I am waiting to discuss whatever evidence they have. But I am guessing their version of clear and plain in their heads means I am not going to receive that. Beats me...

[@CountryLnFarms]

These videos have helped me. My relationship with my mom went no contact a year ago and it has been difficult to work through. Everything has been eye opening. Toxic with Borderline is pretty on point. Thank you!❤

[@knit1purl1]

You certainly deserve a vacation. This was all spot on.

[@EricaFiore]

Surviving attempted murder by a parent several times one time nearly succeeded. You become very independent from anyone. Makes it easy to cut people whom you do not like or trust completely out of your life.

[@twinflameguidanceandhealing]

Thank you for sharing your story. I'm getting ready to share mine, and I feel like it's helpful in allowing people to see your true self. This is confirmation. Thanks❤

[@crina193]

Yes, i see things about aging exactly like you. I tend to think my mother was also a woman with undiagnosed BD, and she only became more mellow and loving, once my sister in law had a rare form of cancer. That shook her to her core and some 7 years later she died of leukemia. But in those 7 years she became a very different person, more loving and accepting and very different from the mother i grew up with. I wish she wouldn t have had to go through such hard lessons in order to change. And yes, a lot of what i cleared out after her death via meditation within myself was a deep feeling of guilt for everything that went wrong in her life.

[@thinker646]

New subscriber here. Missed your vids last week but glad you're back...good to hear the latest insights! My mother was eventually diagnosed bipolar years ago but i now wonder if she was borderline. My father divorced her but now also wonders if she was autistic.

[@CourtneyTheBody]

Thanks for the confirmation I really needed this today I I have the most disrespectful mother and I don’t know how to feel about her and I’m very content with knowing that she will not be able to effect me anymore but I have to be nice and respectful and when I move forward I decided that she has and still is enjoying the narc reative abuse so I have tried to be nice and I have no words or regrets about engaging with her at all

[@B.LO.08]

No words. Just grateful for the illumination of 62 years of sadness and challenges.

[@1stand2ndtimearound67]

Thank you Dr. Sage! as if you had read my mind. The relationship with my is that "love and hate" I have discover through my healing journey, she is a Narcissist. She can never do a favor without expecting something in return. She has used me my entire life and now that I have discover "some" my adult voice, she does not like it and plays the victim every chance she gets.

[@amyhouston5817]

This is exactly the dynamic between my mom & I.

[@janswimwild]

It took me until my 60s to understand how terrified I was of my (seemingly meek) mother. It took my therapist to point this out, and when I saw it I fell apart. I am now rebuilding me, trying to identify me, who I am beyond my lifetime reactions to others. I went no contact a few years ago after a truly unforgivable act, and was relieved when my mother died last year. The shock remains at a cellular level, it may always be there, but I now feel that the freedom is there to let go of who I was while she was still alive. Thank you for this video, very enlightening and relieving! ❤️

[@opticalexcellence-wendytob862]

Although I missed you, I knew you were coming back at some point so wasn’t too worried. Please take whatever time you need to get back to “you”, whatever that means for you. You are worth the wait! 😊 You do look refreshed after your trip. Nice!!

[@nelrimalan6063]

Sadly, this is all too relatable! I just recently became aware of this dynamic with my parents. It's really tough

[@redgree1645]

Wow! After hearing about this I find myself rather grateful for not having parents. Thank you Dr. Sage.❤️

[@naturalhealingmexico]

In deed, being hurt by foster personal is not that traumatizing as by your parents, having no parents it's better than having NARCS parents traumatizing you the entire existence, I have been dealing with this for 13 years and yet stuff keeps coming, literally you live fighting against a emotional deseas every day, like those that suffer from cancer or hiv....

[@epicglitter7218]

Thank you so much. Your videos have been so helpful and brought a ton of clarity and hope! Hope you have a wonderful day, Dr. Sage!

[@TMMT4]

Thanks for this. This confirmed and covered a lot. I’m in constant confusion. Shes seems so supportive with everybody else. She tend to support me off and on. I tend to seek emotional support. She’ll keep my kids when I work which I appreciate. The toughest times though, she isn’t supportive. She’ll swear she wasn’t aware about what I was experiencing when I’ve went to her or she’s seen stuff so I know she knows. If she’s supportive of her other children and not me in similar situations, she tends to say it’s basically because of our age and I’m older, yet says she’s there for each and every one of us. She’s made me feel funny about seeking her support as if as you age your exemption from emotional support. Everybody experiences an event that causes them to seek support in another individual. The support that’s off and on causes confusion. Idk if she’s trying to mess with me mentally cause she chooses when I’m her child and when I’m an adult which results with if she is or isn’t there for me. This is difficult to deal with because it makes me feel funny since I see she’s clearly capable of acting supportive each and every single time with the other children. Additionally, it is triggering too because I’ve been overlooked and unheard, seeking approval since a child so it starts to seem she’s taunting me by being there for them and not me. It’s as if I cry for help and it isn’t available then whatever worsens and again aim crying for help and it isn’t available. Then they’ll say I didn’t try to talk and when I was trying to I was shutout so I shutdown. She claims her children come to her straight off and I say that she makes me feel funny when I try to since she act’s unavailable. From there I’m wondering what’s the difference in them and myself that determines her support. I just don’t get her acting as if I’m wrong for wanting support as an adult from my mom who was in similar situations and when dealing with depression the first thought is therapy so support is a normal need whether professional or personal. She definitely doe’s triangulate me using her children or appeared to apparently team up against me with who I talked to. I always feel alone and she’ll say I act as if everybody else is against me when it is me against everybody else. Her mother is supportive of her and she’s supportive of the other children then there’s me, myself, and I. For me it feels she’s played a part in a lot of areas of trauma. I’ve started to see that her mom traumatized me too and she acts similar so I’m deciding to do no contact so my kids don’t deal with the toxicity and trauma.

[@MarleneTrujillo-uc8bj]

I didn’t love my parents never did. I can remember as far back as two years old and there was abuse and it continued for years. When they passed away at first it was difficult because it triggered my memories of the abuse and I had to relive it. But now I’m the happiest I’ve ever been in my life. My nightmares have decreased and I sleep much better now.

[@MILITIA330]

You Nailed it. I am an only child 51 yrs. now. You covered every single thing. Thank You My Lady. They are still married 55yrs. THANK YOU AGAIN👊🤬❗️‼️💪

[@liebekatz1]

I'm 56, divorced and with grown married children. My mom and stepdad were very supportive of me after my divorce. I live in a 2nd home they own, rent free. I don't make enough money to live on my own. It's like their thought process is "look at all I have done for you, so don't express yourself with valid points that don't align with mine. You must allow me to emotionally abuse you because I have done so much for you." All of my opinions and decisions must align with theirs no matter what. Out of 4 kids, I am the only one who is here for them. The others got tired of it and stopped coming around. I can't turn my back on them. They're older and their health is declining 😢 I need to learn how to set boundaries.

[@edennis8578]

Honestly, I think you're up a creek. You're dependent on them. That makes you a virtual prisoner of their demands. Maybe you could get into low-income housing? If you want to be free, then you must be independent of them.

[@edennis8578]

Also, you have to get over feeling responsible for them. Obviously they have money since they own two homes. They can hire care. They can sell the houses and move into elderly-care apartments. Don't voluntarily make yourself a victim.

[@pearlyj6190]

How do you explain these things to a partner? My partner has really reached a point where she is actually kind angry at me too because I have taken my relationship with my parents this far. As you said, hate them then love them, then sitting and crying my eyes out and she has to sit and comfort me over and over again. But you explained it so well in your video that it's really a love/hate thing and its really not as easy as to just walk away. But since she only sees it from the outside and just wants the best for me, she really do not understand why I keep letting this relationship with my parents continue and don't just go no contact, especially since hats what I keep saying I want to do... its just not as easy to do as to say.

[@jo-annahicks3324]

Show them this video!

[@angelmeade6927]

You have no idea how much I needed this

[@zandilendlovu2743]

Thank you😢 I feel relieved. I always try and avoid my parents both of them have these traits and don’t respect boundaries. When you try enforce those boundaries they threaten that they will destroy me it’s exhausting. My mother goes through my bag, things that time I am 33 yrs. They do hate my partner. You get guilt tripped for a lot of things. They are never satisfied with anything.

[@MissSarahGM]

Thank you for sharing, it's so helpful. I am still unsure what is going on with my mom, who has rejected me and given me the silent treatment several times now. We used to be enmeshed, I would call her daily. During the lockdown we spent together, she couldn't stand me, almost like disgust and paranoia towards me. Then 6 months of silent treatment as I left. We reconciled, I supported her for a surgery, I was there for her, walking on eggshells. When I came to spend the holiday with her, she complained I should be with my husband and kids (I don't have any). She may not be BPD but more so victim NPD, because she doesn't seem to appreciate being with me. On the contrary she wants to be alone. She also can't stand her neighbours. She has cut me off for a year now, but wouldn't stay out of touch with my older brother. I am estranged from and she says he doesn't want to talk to me. So I am alone, only in sporadic contact with my full blown NPD father, who welcomed me at his place, and then abused me emotionally. I knocked at her door because she wouldn't respond to messages and call for 6 months, in order to pick up my stuff. I insisted because she wouldn't open at first. She was acting like a victim and as if I was the bully. Indeed she sent a letter that following my "violent" visit, she went to the police and fainted because of me. She said horrible things full of hatred, that I am a psychopath. She sent another letter saying I kicked her door with my feet (I just knocked and she has no doorbell camera, so pure projection), she needs time and can't reconnect yet with me because of my "aggressiveness". Reading all this craziness projection and reframing was so hurtful. I still have things to pick up, so I don't think it's wise to argue with what she wrote. But deep down, I want to scream how hurtful she's been to me, how paranoid and mean, and that I have hurt so much during this last year, that I have started to see she is detrimental to my mental health. This painful situation creates toxic shame, I feel it even as I'm trying to explain it. Very sad. I wonder how to grieve a parent still alive. Because it's likely not going to improve, she's 72. But I can't accept to be treated as the scapegoat.

[@jo-annahicks3324]

Is it possible that she could be getting dementia?....her behaviour indicates this...especially the bit about you needing to be at home with your husband and kids (when you don't have any!). Maybe you could look into how the early stages of dementia can present like this...especially when someone has a personality disorder to begin with.

[@MissSarahGM]

@@jo-annahicks3324 Thank you for your comment. Yes, she could be as she had some memory issues the last years, and the neuropsychologist tested her and said the cognitive issues could stem from her emotional state if she's depressed etc. The remark she made on Christmas was part of the mean things she can blurt out, when she feels like I am intruding upon her space, ie I should have my life and leave her alone. And she knows it's a sensitive topic for me as I was just dumped by my boyfriend and would like a family. I sometimes felt like she feels disgust for me and she can't stand me. That looks like BPD/NPD when she acts like the victim and I am her bully. But she wasn't like that before. I have found "family scapegoat syndrome" looking like the protection she's doing onto me. I think there is part of trans generational patterns as well, as her mother in her last years triangulated her children even more (bad and good ones) saying she was abused by one to the others. But I will look into early stages of dementia, if that can present as "splitting".

[@LoverofSunflowernBees]

@ Dr. Kim Sage , I have the same mother! She is 78 and I’m 52. And she is really betraying me now when I’m 52 and I’m about to be in a situation of being homeless on the streets and I’m disabled. Mentally disabled! I need help now. I can’t keep sitting here in this house of people that are betraying me!!

[@susanmason3432]

Please be kind to yourself and take any time you need. I enjoy listening to you when you post. I don’t think it needs to be everyday. 😊😊

[@ReeseBose-db8tj]

Been there, did that, done that. Abusive people aren't abusive 100% of the time, and that makes very confusing until you figure it out.

[@HeavenlyPresley-Tonya]

Thank You Dr. Kim -- Yes to all of this - but When Your Parents Pass Away -- Mine Did Mom 12 years ago Dad just passed almost 3 years ago - Your not just mourning losing them Physically -- But TOO Mourning How it could of been or what your wanted sooooooooo badly to be I still go through this with My Mom but its SO Intense with My Dad - Thank You

[@porgyandme8745]

Tears rolling down listening to this video. This is my mother in-law on every point who scores high on covert NPD. She realized she has a son the moment I came into the picture. Triangulated covertly. Caused little fires everywhere and is now standing back and watching the divorce unfold. I don’t know who does this to their own child. I really don’t.

[@shawndayvis6169]

EVERYTHING you said is spot on !!! I'm eager to listen to all your videos !!!! Thank you ❤

[@laurag.p.]

What you're talking about sounds like a narcissistic mother/parent. Is there a reason why you haven't looked at it from this perspective? I'm sorry you've gone through this, it's horrible and I hope you heal from it soon 🤗 I really like your videos and the fact that you make them so personal, they help a lot, thank you!❤❤❤❤

[@lo-ul8nq]

Thank you Kim, you're so right about everything. It's so very true. I enjoy watching your videos. I been through this & still go through it with both of my parents & grand mother since they are Narcissists. I got C-Ptsd from the abuse. I am 47 female who is the oldest of five children who my parents had. I always been the black sheep in my family. I went to Jesus cause of the abuse. Jesus is our hope. God is Love. I know my worth and my values. My peace comes from God. God is great all the time. I been a Christian for over ten years. I got support from my friends from church. Be careful not everyone who goes to church are True Christians. You will know them by there spirits if they are from God or not. Greater is He that is in you, than He that is in the world. 1 John4:4 I walk away from Narcissists I stay calm and stay silent. It's not worth it to say anything to Narcissists since they don't get it.

[@LoverofSunflowernBees]

Your so right and God always sends people like you to videos like this and I am truly Grateful and Blessed to see your comment . I wish I knew you too. And I’ve started going to church and God has entered a woman into my life a Woman with a heart love for God. God answered my prayer and put her in my pathway I asked God to put her in my path and he did when I wasn’t expecting it. And we now go to church together first thing she did was pray with me/ for me laying her hands on me when I met her and I was at my rock bottom when God entered her into my life as a sister in Christ and now we are both going to church again, we have both been off and on.. She happens to be 29 years old and has a husband and three kids and my daughter is 30 has no children and will be getting married but is estranged from me. You see God knows everything. Skylar is a gift and a Blessing in my life sent by God. I’m blessed to be around her and her husbands kids. And we will continue I hope to stay Strong in our relationship to God. She is the strong Christian woman I prayed and asked God to bring into my life. But I’m sure God has many waiting for me the church too. God is Awesome!

[@Kajpaje]

Without the painful history, there would be no examination and no growth. By extention, no giving knowledge and the intention to heal. I appreciate it, sincerely. That trauma got the better of me last year, resultung in the breakdown of a relationship. Those memories and the body response was recurring, and I didn't know how to deal with it in a healthy way. Dissociation was the unhealthy default. Just hope there is time for joy, and that being the aim.

[@andreahorsch286]

She hates me, loves my partner and falsely accuses me of mistreating him

[@ryannesumbry4130]

Welcome back 🎉

[@NoelleandOwen]

Thank you for being so brave to share your story. I am grateful for your channel. You have helped me understand my upbringing better. Sending you lots of positive thoughts! ❤

[@hannamiros]

My mom simply does not apologize 🙃

[@mirnacudiczgela1963]

Although she was domineering in my childhood as well, I went no contact with my mother because of the way she treated me when she realized I am going to get married and the way she despises my husband.

[@NarrowPath_7]

I had a situation today where my parent created some petty argument because i asked a basic question about a text from the pharmacy that i didn't understand. Now im trying to talk it out to say i only asked one question out of ignorance they flipped it and said i asked numerous questions. Then as im trying to talk things out, they call me childish but THEY start shouting, saying dont talk to me and then blasting music like a teenager. I really had to wonder if they saw their own behavior whilst calling me childish. Very backward. Then furher in the day another petty argument. Im trying to rationalize while stand my ground, and instead its the same shouting bullshit from them telling me to shut up. Then start accusing me of being polite to others and not them. Which is a lie. So i lose my cool and tell them that they are usually being hoggish which is why we dont get along, which is true. Then all of a sudden because i chose that term i become the disrespectful one, as if their entire behaviour prior to that wasn't disrespectful.

[@amandarattray2845]

You look SO refreshed! Follow your instincts❤

[@GK-qc5ry]

I wonder what a toxic parent does to your choice of a partner.

[@rubystaging24]

Thank Youe I learned to look at the bpd parent as a pt ,like sitting in the bleachers. Go se your parent when your mentally prepared

[@VeganTrove]

Take lots of me time Dr Kim. Your content is great. Dont burn out 🥰

[@JDforeveralone]

This one!!! Ticked every point off! Just with one big difference - I moved continents! So now this cycle I get it only once a year when I visit her. And everytine I get the same weird feeling in my stomach of "how is it gonna be this year". This year's visit was not really nice. She was in a low mood for the whole two weeks (partly cos of a health issue) and so I was walking on very thin eggshells. I do keep contact with mum cos as I said - it's a sort of like you mentioned in other clips "tea party" contact. I wonder had I lived in my country how my life/marriage would have turned out ... After all it is sad and I wish that she would get the insight into her emotional disregulation but like you say, some ppl the more older they get the more rigid they become.

[@mushuthemystic4153]

I am so happy I know longer have a relationship with my parents anymore.

[@itscoolerthatway]

When you're disabled you don't have the luxury of going no contact...

[@marisamarino7596]

I'm in a hotel at the midway point of returning home. I stayed with my mom and stepdad for a week and it was pretty awful. I believe she has BPD and my stepdad is a narcissist. I've been disowned by my mom at various points throughout my life. What is weird is that after a day of staying with them I think they are over me. I am somehow seen as a threat by both of them in their relationship. My stepdad does not want me to spend any alone time with my mom and considering I don't care for my stepdad that is a threat to my mom. She knows he is a narcissist and has read nearly every book on narcissism. She did individual counseling for years.. but I do not see any change in her. She clings to him despite his narcissism. I just end up feeling traumatized spending anything more than a day with them. It seems like a waste of my time and money. They live 850 miles from me... I made the road trip to go see them. All I felt was a sort of sickness over their behavior and relationship in general.

[@perrianellesse]

So much of this is my story. Except the 'hating my partner' piece. My mom adores my partner and idealized him. She does this with everyone very deliberately to make me feel "less than'. I have spent years caring for her, but her hairdresser and housekeeper do it better. She's very covert but your videos have helped me to understand and validate so much. Thank you 🙏🤍

[@BBFCCO733]

Glad to see you are ok! You were in France during those riots! Yikes!

[@eottoe2001]

"I cannot believe she said those things again."

[@drsandhyathumsikumar4479]

Thanks ..thanks for sharing what it is to be human

[@OnlyOneName]

Wow 3:15 the real nightmare began at the same circumstances for me.

[@hollynoel27]

Thank you so much for this video. It’s what I’ve been looking for.

[@AL-ns5jc]

This ironically sounds like relationships have with my sibling

[@noelmay9]

The decription you give of this parent/child relationship sounds like trauma bonding. Is there an element of that at work in these dynamics? Especially the vulnerability and the help/hurt cycle.

[@nancybartley4610]

I consider it trauma bonding, too. I'm sure she recognizes it for that, too. It is why it so hard to end the relationship. It sure hooked me, too. I also think it plays an enormous role in the guilt I feel about my time with my mom.

[@shimire26]

I think she mentions this in some of her other videos

[@rosyloveslearning3013]

Thank you. Be kind to yourself. ❤❤❤

[@GK-qc5ry]

Great video, nailed alot of points that I have seen 😮😢