Bad Vegan Deep Dive · How Having Autism Can Affect How You Survive Narcissistic Abuse

In today's episode I do a deep dive into some autistic traits and how that can look and operate within abusive relationship dynamics. Like I said many times in the video, I am not diagnosing Sarma whatsoever but just using some autistic traits I see in her as a jumping off point for this very nuanced conversation. Anyone can find themselves a victim of an abuser--the purpose of this video isn't to promote the idea that there are things you need to do to avoid them, but to simply highlight some dynamics and traits within yourself so that you can identify more quickly and clearly what abuse can look like and how that affects you so that you can do what you need to do to get help or get out.
Take care of yourselves you guys, you truly deserve it. I hope today's video helps validate some of your experiences and maybe even help you learn something new.🧡
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[@annapetrosidou1243]

She didn't know she was being abused, therefore she couldn't articulate what was happening or ask for help.

[@lol-sd3cs]

i was in an abusive dynamic and by the time i realized i was being taken advantage of and abused it was too late. i was really naive and lacked boundaries so it was like moth to a flame. i ignored a lot of blaring red flags bc i was naive and wanted to see the best in someone

[@Godpossessed]

Hugs, I relate

[@ShaiBB.]

This sounds like me Sending hugs ❤

[@hajimehinata8967]

Just realized I was the only autistic in a very narcissistic enmeshed family and so the abuse I endured

[@quantumfineartsandfossils2152]

+1 mine are wealthy documented criminals & their criminal pedo friends *feels*

[@WizardKitty723]

I’m self diagnosed, and have suffered narcissistic abuse. Thanks for the video. I’ve always been perceived as strong and independent, but I got tricked by a vulnerable mid-level narcissist. It took me a long time to realize it was abuse. I always kept thinking that if he got the right help for his ptsd and depression, that he’d be ok. Cycles of abuse and then treatment and then periods of calm and then the whole thing starts again. Then I realized he was ultimately not interested in getting better. His ego is much too fragile to face his inner demons and the abuse he suffered as a kid. The thing with my story is that I asked multiple people for help, and the only people that did were my parents. Thank goddess for them. Most people just won’t understand how bad it is with these people, because they’re usually so charming to everyone else. The other thing with me is that I’m still cohabitating with the man, because he’s the father of my two children and a good provider (the only thing he has going for him). He no longer abuses me because he’s found I have no resources available to him anymore. I’m a “grey rock”. Once my kids graduate high school I’m outta here!

[@o6x37]

Same, as soon as them kids grow up…

[@jennifernybergpixieivy1266]

I went through the same for 16 years.

[@jaydoespunk9097]

Take care, Friend, i'm glad you've found a safe medium of existence so you can raise tha kiddos 🤗 my abuser was unfortunately a parent, but i definitely find comfort in that i stayed as an adult to care for my mama durin her chronic illness til she passed, cause now i don't have to blame myself for her passin, i know i did right by her even when she rarely did by me n that's all tha healin i really need 🕊

[@ashmac87]

That is very interesting! I had to get my parents involved in order to finally get rid of my narcissistic abuser. He really messed with my head and would not leave me alone. I tried to get a restraining order against him but it was rejected due to lack of evidence or something ridiculous.

[@Marie-AnnaCross]

Same, sister... Same. Twelve more years is my mantra. Mine still pulls crap all the time and only provides what is legally coerced. Abusers hate when they can't completely destroy your social circle... Most of my friends and family ditched or worse became his flying monkeys. But my ma didn't (because she went through it with her first husband too). Forever thanking the goddess for the gift that was a mom who just got me. She was so good at accepting my neurodivergencey, I'd have never known how different I was, if it weren't for public school.

[@undertheradar001]

My family is very toxic. My mother particularly, had the option to have an autism assessment when I was 5 or 6, but didn't take me. I had real troubles at school as a result. She told me my meltdowns were demonic possession and then told all and sundry my autism was severe mental health problems. She would sabotage relationships and friendships. When I refused to go to school at 13 (dude to difficulties with bullying amongst others) she told the CPS that I was out-with parental control; and I got put into a residential school for kids with emotional problems. I was showing obvious signs like stimming and social anxiety. My brothers and siblings would call me "rain man" and "m*ng*l"; and would break my little possessions and steal from me. My son has aspergers also. My ex and family even turned him against me. I have had to go no contact with them perminently!! I found out I have autism at 50. It explains a lot.

[@theatrerimbaud3672]

I'm so sorry all of that happened to you, it's heartbreaking. You didn't deserve it but you're so strong to have survived it.

[@christopherko475]

I’ve been thru all and just that, the worst part is that we are always wronged and no one stands up for us. It’s okay for people to do so and such because they can, but they’ll always harbour an excuse against us. Then they will flip the tables and claim that we’re full of excuses. Would you believe me if I told you that my psychiatrist for over ten years asked me if “I could just be normal?” Worse, people will dish out excuses like how this world is unfair and you have to grab your chances, but for us it’s another story. This form of abuse is so rampant that many of us actually get compared to Sheldon Cooper from big bang theory. Yet it’s actually founded on a satire based on the idea on how people mock us. Just to give you an idea on how cruel this actually is. We are being wronged and stereotyped and yet it’s our fault for being whom we really are. People are just naive and stereotypical when they view us in this light, not to mention how stupid they actually are when they continue this trend.

[@deejay8ch]

26:10 "Abusive people...keep *taking* from you." Such a profound concept to remember, but an even more important red flag to look out for and act on for self-preservation. An abusive person keeps *taking* from you. # escapeanddon'tlookback

[@melisaco79]

I barely survived Narcissistic Abuse, I still struggle with healing. The narcissist did a great deal of damage to me that has had me in a regressed state for 6 years now. I can’t cope with sound, I can’t withstand being physically touched, I immediately experience anxiety when people sit or stand too close to me. I can’t regulate or mask anymore like I once did. It’s gotten really difficult as of recent.

[@t.a.4356]

By a lover?

[@alexadellastella5247]

same to me.... so hard

[@andrea.w211]

AuDHD mutiple truama survivor. I used to be the same way, was barely functional due to the stress of just trying to survive day to day. Highly recommend meditation. Turned that all around for me and I'm more balanced and okay with people and my environment now than I've ever been in my life!

[@khplaylistyt9729]

same. when my grandma died (my main caregiver that protected me) everyone seemed to start targeting me. i cant stand injustice so i didnt back down but i expwrienced extreme burnout i cant do practically everything

[@kiku-goldenflower7731]

Thankyou so much for this video. I'm a late diagnosed autistic woman who grew up with a narcissistic father. One of the ways I compensate for my lack of social understanding is researching anthropological, neurological and sociology reasons for people's behaviours and stuff, it's actually become a fixation of mine. Due to that I've quite easily been able to look back at my experiences growing up and make some sence of my parents and siblings behaviour but I responded quite differently. There is lots of stuff about how narcissism affects those around them and plenty about how autistic people react to normal situations in normal relationships ect and even alot comparing narcissism and autism but yours is the ONLY video I could find about autistic people caught in an abusive relationship with a narcissist. I acknowledge there are some significant differences between being a child with a narcissistic parent and being chosen as a romantic partner by one but it still was something I was glad to find.

[@spiicyliime22]

Agreed. We need more of this topic especially since it's suggested that ASD are more likely to end up in abusive relationships. It made me feel less stupid for ending up in abusive relationships despite trying hard to avoid "marrying my father/mother".

[@sushe2817]

​​@@spiicyliime22 absolutely

[@whitsfiryellnogobyye]

I had a narc parent, and a grandparent! I guess she learned it from her Mother. I had to deal with both of their crazy abuse. I felt because I'm Autistic it was so much harder for me to figure out and has left me with more trauma. I'm also terrified to begin a romantic relationship in fear of attracting an abusive or co-dependant relationship. There is hope & faith that life will recover and there can be love without abuse. I also have interests (almost an obsession) with studying people, their behaviours, neurology and sociology! Wonder if our unique (being Autistic and having narc parent/s) has shaped us with this interest. Thank u for sharing ur experience!

[@kiku-goldenflower7731]

@violethowl1717 Thank you for sharing yours.

[@Nina94771]

Wow, yes I feel you. The interest in human behaviour and hyper fixating on neurobiology/psychology/sociology 👏🤪

[@ladonnabby]

5 mins in and the blame shift from being on those vulnerable to abuse back onto the actual abuser was so healing. They are immoral for causing harm and being a narcissistic abuser❣️

[@whitsfiryellnogobyye]

I'm with you there. I believe the theories that 'evil' people have deep wounds and that hurt people, hurt people. I know my narcissistic abuser had serious traumatic experiences as a child that deeply wounded her. But I still don't get it, surely they had moments that their conscious came in to question their actions. Time and time again they made the choice to make others feel like shit to make themselves feel better. It was cowardly. It sickens me they have little to zero empathy, guilt, moral compass or compassion. They are broken, miserable people who can't bear to see others feel joy or peace.

[@ScenicFilms]

I was married to a narcissist. At one point, I contemplated suicide, but never followed through. This analysis was spot on. I won't go on because it always makes my blood boil. I am not diagnosed yet, but my therapist and I believe I am ASD with ADHD.

[@jennifernybergpixieivy1266]

Same

[@visionvixxen]

This ou da just like me…plusbipolar

[@eboniclarke177]

How did you cope? Because I'm leaning towards ASD based on a test I did. I'm speculating that I may have narcs in my family or my partner may be a covert narc or avoidant at best. But I tend to be so disconnected that many things fly over my head so I don't think I am a good source tbh. And it takes a while before I notice any withdrawal.

[@obeyheart3667]

Im diagnosed with adhd and experience that Ive been 10 years with bpd or narcissist, feels like malignant covert narc with sadistic tendencies. Mentally, spiritually and physically violent. Stuck bcs I feel kids life is in danger if I cant look after them If I would complete divorce. Tried to divorce 3 times. Now I discovered I really should go to check if I also have ASD. I feel there is also PTSD. But Im doubting if I have pbd or autism bcs of possible masking I even though Im narcissist myself but I really hope its not that but masking. My own motive always was just to have loving relationship and a normal family.

[@brittcarter434]

I have so much to say, actually too much to say about the dangerous relationship dynamic between autistics and narcissists and how it can exist in many relationships. I personally experienced it with family, best friends, and what woke me up to this kind of abuse was a “situationship” I was involved in for a year. I only escaped it because I moved out of the city just as he was discarding and breaking me and it was such a confusing time because I didn’t understand at all what was happening or understand why he would treat me or any person that way. Everything would just get so confusing and I already struggle with understanding relationships and the rules and roles (dos n don’ts) and at the time in my brain I thought a situationship made sense for my life style as I could not emotionally commit full time to a real relationship (because I worked two jobs and was frequently experiencing burnout and didn’t think I could meet someone else’s emotional needs on top of all the other demands in my life) so allowed myself to experiment with flings and I’m in my 20s so it felt like everyone I knew was in one and made it seem so casual and normal… but the one I found myself in was anything but… it was like he wanted me to obsess over him or chase him but I didn’t understand that either. Our interactions would change so frequently almost every time I saw him and that would confuse me especially when he’d apologize for it but it never bothered me until he pointed it out almost like he wanted it to bother me. He’d go from being excited around me to seeming down or passive aggressive if I didn’t show him that kind of attention so I created I guess a mask for him that catered to that relationship so that filled him. And then once he was filled either by me or another girl he was seeing he would ignore me but I wasn’t able to notice he was ignoring me or ghosting me… I would just assume he was busy not playing mind games with me… it was like he demanded all of my attention or none of it and it really affected my executive functioning skills because without me realizing it me entertaining him became my routine(because he was so demanding and heavily involved in my personal social life at the time) and I became just stuck in that cycle until I was literally pulled out of it… because even though I became aware how unstable this was and how drained it made me feel I would just recharge and he’d be there waiting. And the best part for him was that “no one knew” so if I did tell anyone about him or our weird relationship it would seem totally out of character for me so it was like they didn’t believe it… and the people who did know didn’t know me and just assumed I was some dumb girl accepting my fate but I hadn’t I was totally stuck in like auto pilot! He eventually traumatized me with his last act of discarding a few days before I actually moved to another city and that sent me into months of selective mutism because I didn’t know how to talk to people around me about what had happened (not even my close friends and family) and what was going on with me internally because it just became another secret I was still processing within my head… hugely took a toll on my communication even when I was having good days I couldn’t verbalize any of my emotions, wants or needs, hell even some of my scripts felt off or too forced which made it impossible for me to get a new job and go on interviews… I felt completely alone at this point and thought it was just how things played out and no one was at fault accept for my poor decision making skills and lame fight or flight responses (and if ur like me it’s neither it’s probably the third option: freeze). Then I started learning more about narcissistic abuse and autism in females from informative KZbin channels like this one sharing their experiences and it helped me heal and know myself better and realize that what happened was not ok and not my fault. I am still healing and learning but this has made it hurt less and soothe the fog of confusion in my head. I consider myself lucky from only having to suffer for a year from that relationship with that individual but there’s been so many narcissists throughout my life that it’s become apparent to me that myself and people like me are just prime targets for this kind of abuse. I’ve both seen it and experienced it and I think it keeps happening from lack of awareness and conversations about it. This is a very powerful conversation I’ve been searching for and looking to have for months but not a lot of resources for it! Thank you

[@karysgriffiths-derose6241]

Such a relatable comment, Thank-you for sharing xx

[@itb7439]

I relate to everything, thanks for validation for us autistics . I have adhd too.

[@popqueen24x7]

sending you so much strength.... ❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤❤

[@giapet7647]

Thank you. This was something I didn’t realize I needed vocalized. I am a survivor of narcissistic abuse, that has ADHD, CPTSD, anxiety, and I identify as Autistic. I really related to and understood Sarma as I watched the series. It wasn’t until after I finished, and began reading about it online that I understood I was in the minority. I really appreciate you speaking about this in such an honest way. It has really helped me understand how I, myself, was abused and why. I know by the end of my abuse, I was on autopilot/survival mode and had no control over anything in my life. I did whatever was asked of me. I can’t remember much of anything that happened or why or what I knew and when. It’s hurtful to see the things people say about her experience, knowing I lived something similar. Thank you for vocalizing how it can happen and how it’s not her fault. But also that she doesn’t have an explanation for it. I don’t have an explanation either. Not a logical one at least. I also think you should do more videos in this format. I felt at ease listening to you just saying whatever you thought. I was able to listen objectively without it bringing up tough emotions and triggering me. I enjoy listening to your analysis of things and really relate to your experiences you’ve shared. Awesome channel!

[@AishwaryaD12]

Hey I want to talk to you. I had cptsd in 2021 when I suffered another abuse from narc parents. I also have adhd. Recently I found out I have aspergers syndrome. I need guidance

[@inner_kundalini]

The survival autopilot part... This so much. Married 15 years to a narcissist, misdiagnosed BPD, actually ASD, ADHD, C-PTSD, Depression, Anxiety, Chronic Pain. Your comment helped me feel not so alone. Thank you ❤

[@mariecait]

i just finished watching and i felt immediately that Sarma was neurodivergent by her mannerisms. matter of fact speaking, monotone voice, chameleon like , abhors small talk, loves animals, generous to a fault, sadly… naive. the homeless man and her dog were the only two things she truly trusted it seems. i don’t think people realize how isolating it can be to be successful and beautiful as her. it’s hard to know if someone is using you to climb ladders. so she starts talking to a guy off “words with friends”through alec baldwin assuming he’s an everyday man who is this big trustworthy teddy bear. my heart breaks for sarma. she’s very unhappy with the ads for bad vegan of her eating a cash salad she didn’t care about the money she just wanted to take care of people.. anyway i love your voice and delivery it’s very soothing and easy to process. i wonder what other suspected asd characters there are? i always think grimes as one. but again can only speculate.

[@spiicyliime22]

I never understood why it was called Bad Vegan besides clickbait. It was a completely different story than the surface level advertising. My heart really went out to her.

[@KristineDragyn]

I never realized I was self regulating independent if other people and it’s normal to coregulate with other people and require for them to emotionally care for me. I never knew of this concept. I haven’t been able to figure out why I’m so different from other people and why my relationships never work out. I always thought of it as other people having a codependency. I never allow others to use me to help regulate them emotionally. I never realized that’s why my narcissistic parents continue to isolate me bc I still self regulate away from them. This is enlightening. Thank you.

[@absolutelyfab]

It's so refreshing and validating to see you not masking because through you I see myself. Unfortunately, if I'm not "on" then I seem by NT standards, aloof, unintrested/ing, or weird. The amount of energy used to meet those expectations is immense and anxiety inducing, requires a lot of alone time and decompression. Regarding Sarma, so many (internet) people judge her as being sociopathic and selfish because they don't see her as being autistic. Which is largely due to her being judged for her beauty. People will think you are standoffish and bitchy if you are conventionally considered attractive, and there is little empathy given to beautiful people due to jealousy and ignorance.

[@sarahsilver3644]

This. Is. My. Life ⬆️

[@lct1234]

This is wonderful, as an autistic person I've just ended a toxic narcissist relationship, how I hope I could see this video earlier.

[@spiicyliime22]

I hope you are doing well. Take care

[@eboniclarke177]

Why is this woman speaking my life. Each friend is in a category and only that topic is relevant to that friend. Reaching out is not an option because you don't trust just any one with personal information. I tend to get dismissed besause i am not supposed to have that feeling.

[@quantumfineartsandfossils2152]

+1 living in a lawless world

[@jennifernybergpixieivy1266]

I was married to a narc. I got yelled at for everything and when I stimmed when I didn't know I was autistic at the time.

[@pjw18]

So true about being used to not understanding but just having to go along with it... and then abusers taking advantage of that fact...

[@PotatoWisdom]

Abusive people keep taking from their victims, then turn around and blame them. This was a much needed video, thank you for deep diving into it.

[@fionanigallchobhair4260]

I have just watched Bad Vegan. I am on the waiting list for an adult autism assessment. In 2020 I escaped a coercively controlling relationship. My ex got progressively weirder and more dangerous. He created personas that got stranger and stranger. Like Salmas abusers he faked an army history and said he was special forces and ex secret intelligence . He leached off my resources and tried to make me completely dependent on him. You dont process something is wrong until it is far to late. My abusers previous relationship were with ND women. I think I must easy to manipulate, and yes judging what is normal when you arent allistic is hard. I found Bad Vegan jarring and echos of my own trauma is very close. Her shut down shown in the last episodes was heartbreaking.

[@theasianwitch]

This is really interesting...as an Asian woman with Asperger's who has been in a narcissistic relationship as well as a narcissistic family system, this is really relevant. I think what you said about how narcissists assess how easily manipulated a person is and how much supply they provide is spot on. He had a lot of racist, misogynistic, homophobic views that I was always very opposed to, so I was not easily manipulated in that way. But because of my autism and own childhood abuse in a narcissistic family I was still very much a target of abuse. Thankfully only stayed in that relationship for 5 years instead of staying on like my father did with my mother.

[@dagifelner9298]

There s a Video called "the DARK Side of asbergers" - it's narcissism. Could ne quite interesting. I also come from am aspi Family, have been surrounded by aspis my whole Life and it fehlt Like narcissistic abise for 30 years.

[@leftalone9881]

In my experience, because I’ve been bullied for being weird, I assume people are unique and misunderstood even when it’s harmful. I also believe everyone has genuine intentions and can’t tell if what they’re saying is not said with my best intentions in mind. I don’t know what is “normal” and “part of someone’s personality” if they keep saying “this is for your own good”/etc. so I keep it to myself until I’m sure. I don’t know when their behavior is malicious and controlling / vs. genuine and like anxiety related for example.

[@ashmac87]

I am on the spectrum and I experienced an abusive relationship similar to Sarma's. It really messed me up, but now that I know the signs of abuse, I'd really like to mentor other women on the spectrum about healthy relationships. That would be cool.

[@misscottencandy15]

I also struggle with feeling comfortable trying to recharge with people, my poor dog does so much for me (trigger warning) getting my dog has been the key to me no longer being a suicide risk

[@evelyndill5688]

I really appreciate you posting this more natural version of you, I actually found it a bit easier to watch since I didn't have to read into what your face was doing as much. This is a really good video and I'm glad you didnt make yourself overly edit it/try to repackage it for others comfort. You are incredibly compassionate and insightful. Much love hon, you help me so much with every upload.

[@snorlaxgender]

Grew up with a narcissistically abusive stepdad. It affects me heavily to this day, 12 years after I left that house. I feel like the autism was a gift and a curse. I stood there and took the abuse when he would berate me for hours (shutdowns ftw I guess?), and when it swung into neglect I was more than willing to stay in my room and be alone. I learned to be comfortable being by myself and working with my interests, but it severely stunted my ability to judge social situations and my vibe checks on people generally swing toward "untrustworthy" until proven otherwise. And the deep-seated self-loathing it causes when you've got that autistic drive for justice and never want to see others in the sort of pain you've experienced, but at the same time you've been convinced that you are a no good rotten person who couldn't help if you tried, or that if you do something nice it doesn't count bc it was also personally fulfilling... it's perverse. I make a huge effort to not paint all people with NPD with the same brush - some reach out for help, get therapy, and learn to manage their symptoms, and I have the utmost respect for those people. But the ones who perpetuate the cycle of abuse are more damaging than anything I've ever seen.

[@positivelymoi]

Thanks for this video! I enjoyed the discussion. I also read Sarma as being autistic in Bad Vegan. I really appreciated the discussion of autism and abuse. What you said about autistic folks persevering harder and longer in abusive relationships really spoke to my own experiences. I do want to distinguish between abusive people and NPD. You don’t have to have narcissistic personality disorder to be abusive. Picked up on some serious flavors of my ex in this guy’s behavior. Stay safe y’all!

[@elizacrafts4507]

I'm diagnosed with level 2 autism and ADHD and was with a covert narc for 7 years. She took advantage of my memory issues all the time but the biggest thing that kept me in it was that I subconciously identified things that would make my family think she's a bad person and didn't tell them about those. I know I do this but couldn't identify it at the time. I think it's part of the black and white thinking with autism. Like I had identified her as a "good person who cares about me" so i couldn't process that she would do anything malicious. When I finally broke up with her last year, it took me discovering what covert narcissism was and telling my family all the shit I had unintentionally hid from them for them to realize I was seriously in an abusive relationship. My mom thought I had broken up with her for no reason and would regret it for the first month till all the stories she didn't know about started coming out on car rides to the grocery store. I searched back then for videos about autism and narcissism and for whatever reason yours didn't come up but I'm so glad to have found you now! All the videos I could find back then were comparing narcissism and autism and that really fucked me up for a while because I thought my autistic traits played a huge role in the abuse but I just couldn't find anyone talking about it. Thank you, this video was so validating! I also find the way you speak very relatable.

[@ieatpaintchips72]

Thanks for the video. You talked about accepting things that make no sense, and that being normal and rewarded. That's a really interesting insight. I always, since I was a kid, refused to accept those things. And it got me in a lot of trouble. But from what you're describing, it probably kept me safe fom abuse also. I was a really trusting kid.

[@ampeyro]

Yeah... I've been suspecting for a while I may be autistic (my first therapist kinda told me I obviously was, but dismissively), and I strongly suspect my dad is either a narcissist or borderline. Heck, my friends had an intervention for me to leave the family home cause they saw it was hurting me. And for a long time I prided myself on being able to tolerate toxicity😅

[@lucemclark8492]

Love the video. I am autistic, and I am in a narcissistic abusive relationship. Everything you said makes so much sense and I’m really glad I heard it today I never thought of it and these terms. My only question is who is Sarma?

[@brolly414]

Please look after yourself. It’s so hard ❤

[@spiicyliime22]

Sarma is from the doc Bad Vegan. It is the story of the consequences of the abusive relationship she was in. I hope you can get out of your abusive situation. I've been there too.

[@strangedotmachine9281]

I hope you can find a way out. There's a whole world out there and there is happiness.

[@cheyennetilleman1832]

I relate to this story to a T. I only recently discovered I’m autistic and have adhd. So I’m basically reliving every situation I was a victim of abuse. But this specific situation is so accurate. Thanks Irene for all your content!!

[@ElohiSilverEarthVentures]

Cool finally found a video about this topic. Two of my 4 sisters were recently diagnosed nurodivegent and I've not yet learned everything or "proper" terms im supposed to use but I do know its very likely I as well am autistic, being that our Mother recently has realized she as well is nurodivegent too. It explains so so much and is extremely validating, and helpful to see there's so so many like us and I'm not alone. We've all masked, and we did let our mask down probably a whole lot more with one another because we've always been pretty open about our flaws and issues with one another, but we never had a name or any idea autistic could or was anything that we had been experiencing. Also, I've come to learn that narcs tend to go for highly intelligent people, and successful independent, it's theyre need to conquer that makes them seek out the strong ones. I've found my self with someone who has many characteristics of a convert vulnerable narc...but he's more complicated if you can believe that. Lots of different factors that go into the ways he has. I was mis taught what autistic is from the get go, I had no clue it was like this or could be like this. Nor how diverse we each all are in the spectrum. I just want to thank you for going into this because it's so misunderstood, least from people who ive been around, no one would of thought my little weird things traits wtv could be labeled autistic. I have a ton of tattoos as well, and I had dreds for like 3 years until I cut them off because i got fed up with everyone thinking I smoked weed and or had it, it drove me mad. I acually started college to be in the legal field, to work in juvenile delinquency. I mean ive smoked weed ive been all sorts of mixed up in the mess of self medicating, and much worse than weed, i just knew that wasnt were i belonged and managed to get into a very awsome treatment facility that helped me cope without self medicating. My point with this was to say i understand the tattoo judgement thing, it sucks, but i do think its becoming more normalized and people are realizing you dont have to be some hard core rebellion if your covered in tattoos. Guess one way people could figure that out berrer would be to acually look at what the tattoos are,lol. Ok my comment is getting way to long, funny cus I've learned this is also a thing we do, over explain. Sick of being misunderstood, right. I had no idea others saw and felt the world the same as me, I've never fit into any category, I've seen dozens of counsoers therapist, only thing ide get from it was I was an introvert and perhaps just highly sensitive...I am but I'm at the same time not. So nothing really fit until this, being nurodivegent. Throughout my life probably close to all my friends are have been on the spectrum as well. So there's never been anything odd about how i do things, they totally understood and were simular or just extremely tolerant,lol. My folks were always so supportive of anything I did or how I did it, I never once doubted myself or ability to do anything I wanted and look any way I chose and was always told and reminded im beautiful and extremely intelligent. Asking questions was encouraged in my family. Asking for help was never a weakness. I didn't even learn that people felt that asking for help was a weakness until after I got with my kids Dad. Ya I messed up bad, he had me totally fooled and I thought he understood me more than anyone, and accepted me, and supported me, but after I had my son his "mask" came off and it's been 9yrs of living hell. He would never understand this at all and if anything he'd use it against me and be even meaner. I'm very careful right now with making sure he doesn't find out there's any possibility that im autistic. I'm about to endure a very messy very high conflict custody battle and if I were to be diagnosed with autism I know it would cause more difficulty in proving my ability to care for my son. I'm a mess now yes, but if I didn't have a chaotic abusive man constantly attacking me and intentionally hurting me and f&ck#ng with my head, ide not be the mess I've become while with my abuser. He's caused me to loose really good jobs where the people who hired me knew me and were family friends, it was cake and I made bank, but my abuser does not like my independence and can't handle me having any control over my own success finances happiness or what I'm able to provide for our son and myself. He has to have control over everything. I tried to leave him and moved back in with my Mother at the age of 35, talk about depressing. And I'm still here but because I've not cut ties with my kids Dad, my abuser, and he's clung on to me like his life depends on it. And threatens to take my son if I dont want to be with him. The threats disappear as soon as I play pretend happy with him and him controlling everything. I do wish you'd maybe touched on some more stuff about how an autistic person reacts to the abuse like how we cope. I isolate like bad, I mean that is mainly his doings because he's too threatened by my friendships, but I avoid him some days completely and turn my phone off and lock my doors and don't open my door no matter what he's screaming or yelling on other side, completely shut down. Overwhelmed to that point of shutting down about 4 days out of the week, I'll only be ok with my kid, he's the only one who I can handle and happily be around and care for when ive gotten over stimulated. But im pretty sure he's autistic as well, and is extremely cool to be around, he's my comfort blanket and I'm his. Why I need as much advice and help as to how I'm to go about the court and his Dads false allegations and extremely hatful ways towards me. What sucks is he's totally "normal " nice wtv when I play stupid for him, that's why I've not ever gone through with the legal stuff sooner, I kept falling back into his "nice" pretend mode and he smooches me perfectly so I just fall for it everytime. I get comfortable with conforming to his unrealistic wants and needs from me. I just wish society understood autism better and I knew ide be protected from injustices if the court where to know I am nurodivegent, and yes I'm aware how absolutely illegal and wrong it'd be for a court to discriminate towards an autistic Mother, but it just isn't real, people have a set idea of what autism is and it will undoubtedly work against me.

[@tallgrrl1]

I grew up with a narcissistic mother and an enabling father, and I (49F) have recently self-diagnosed with ASD. (For a long time, I thought I was living with trauma, and I'm sure that is also true, but I believe now it has always been more than that as I have many ASD traits and co-morbid stuff that have nothing to do with trauma, for example, fascination with numbers and a weird almost photographic memory for dates, number plates, etc.). Speaking for myself, I think my pattern recognition and very literal thinking could have been protective in dealing with narcissistic people if I hadn't learned to push down my discomfort with things that "weren't adding up" in order to fit in or stay safe (as in with my family of origin). This is one of the reasons I consider masking potentially dangerous because it can keep us from speaking out when we know things aren't right.

[@derekhiggs9249]

Thank you for covering this topic. This helps me process my own trauma. As autistic, I did go along with gaslighting and delusions since the behavior I saw made just as much sense as any other neuraltypical. My manner of coping was just being oblivious. That only dragged out the damage until I realized what happened. I'm still healing. The appearance of narcissism has shown up in different kinds of relationships in my life, though, not as a date nor a spouse. There wasn't any real choice in the past relationships. There was a potential relationship that could get me in trouble. I had a hard time deciding if I could play along long enough to encourage change or if I should just explicitly refuse narcissistic behavior. The other party cut contact making that decision for me.

[@Laurayt89]

I’m self diagnosed and I never get into toxic relationships, unless it’s in the workplace. I’m just always so afraid of saying anything and then be fired later.

[@chilloften]

It’s a wonderful topic. We all need to realize how this type of thing can work it’s way in. It’s mind blowing because we are basically programmed to be so independent.

[@meta5175]

22:32 that’s probably why I still cannot manage to put two of my separate friends together, I’ll break and don’t know that to act, like don’t know what version to present

[@gisele2808]

Very astute observations that I can relate to. I don't believe in victim blaming but we do have to take responsibility and have more awareness for why we keep getting into these toxic dynamics. I still get into these relationships but recognize the red flags sooner and trust my instincts more and get out asap. Someday I hope to attract healthier people and have a loving, mutually supportive relationship.

[@spiicyliime22]

One thing that helped me was to learn about Green Flags. I found that always looking for red flags was like looking for reasons to end the relationship instead of finding someone with green flags in the first place.

[@christopherko475]

I’ve been thru all and just that, the worst part is that we are always wronged and no one stands up for us. It’s okay for people to do so and such because they can, but they’ll always harbour an excuse against us. Then they will flip the tables and claim that we’re full of excuses. Would you believe me if I told you that my psychiatrist for over ten years asked me if “I could just be normal?” Worse, people will dish out excuses like how this world is unfair and you have to grab your chances, but for us it’s another story. This form of abuse is so rampant that many of us actually get compared to Sheldon Cooper from big bang theory. Yet it’s actually founded on a satire based on the idea on how people mock us. Just to give you an idea on how cruel this actually is. We are being wronged and stereotyped and yet it’s our fault for being whom we really are. People are just naive and stereotypical when they view us in this light, not to mention how stupid they actually are when they continue this trend. Honestly, I Pray as a Christian that this dreadful sin be addressed when Christ returns. We are taught to forgive and love, when this world full of “normal” people are anything but loving. Only when abusers themselves are forced to deal with this situation they will comprehend how much blood they have on their hands.

[@MissingScaffolding]

Turns out, she is autistic! Just saw an article yesterday about her being diagnosed at 51. I like how she describes the aftermath of diagnosis, how helpful it is to finally know, also painful to process so much through a new lens. Happy for her newfound awareness.

[@eliw.1197]

This is the video I needed. I have ASD but I'm very different from most others I know with it. That's because of the abuse I've experienced growing up.

[@lynnbilbrey8823]

I lovvveee this video so much. It makes me feel not alone that someone else understands things like me and the way I do. I was in a 2 year really abusive narcissistic relationship and I watched Bad Vegan last month when I just began learning about autism and I thought the same thing. But I love how you explain why autistic people are more susceptible to narcissistic abuse Bc I’ve felt shame since I got out of that relationship last year thinking how was I so stupid to not see that

[@tranquiloteddy]

Thank you so much for this. You look very beautiful as your more natural self, not that that is important. Meeting people with a mask on keeps real connection from happening. It is extremely exhausting. so yea continued rejection is also exhausting. so at least in an abusive relationship the requirements are clear and doable. Wow.

[@tracik1277]

You have literally genius level insights and articulate ability. Another commenter suggested you could write a book with all your observations; I would concur (your choice of course), I think it could become a seminal work if you did, and would provide valuable insight for the medical profession as well as laypeople.

[@andyseesvideos]

Wow! You have enough content in this video to write a strong, very informative book. Not the heavily marketed fluff without substance. I feel like what you are saying applies to us (people with ASD) with the world in general and not just when we end up in narcissistic or abusive relationships. So, [if you decided to write a book] re-writing these ideas and working the book from the angle of the autistic experience will hit a broader audience. Next, much of what you said about masking and being self-sufficient applied directly to me, as a man. I think writing this with men in mind also broadens the reader base and doesn't alienate us. Brene Brown did the same in the beginning, and I just couldn't get past that when I read her work. She has since changed it to include men, but it isn't the same. And her work on Shame is phenomenal. I cannot over emphasize how powerful, meaningful, and profound the content in this video is. Very very VERY high quality content. I wish you the best, and I'll be watching.

[@airari24]

To be fair about the last point, Irene does use people/individual/etc multiple times when not talking about Sarma specifically (or the character/case study of "Sarma") and though Irene sometimes says autistic women, she is speaking on her experience in those moments. In some of her other videos she makes clear when speaking of traits of autistic women, she does this mostly so he videos are found in the algorithm and she knows other genders feel/behave in these manners.

[@VampyreFoxy]

Since I mostly listen to videos instead of really watching I wouldn't even have noticed the eye-contact xD Let alone that I don't pay much attention to it anyway. We should embrace people talking without them having to glare at the camera! ❤❤❤❤ It was so eye opening what you said about accepting stuff that doesn't make sense to us, because we are so used to it. I'm very open to the weidest of ideas, although I generally only believe what I can experience myself... But I guess my general openness could stem from autism. I've also been in an abusive relationship with a covert narcissist for almost 10 years. And I struggle, to this day, with fully understanding what exactly happened to me. Which is why I spent an unholy amount of time researching the entire topic 😂 Your video is really helpful because it provides great details and connections between autism and abusive relationships and the struggles. Back then I didn't have any friends and my family also didn't care about me. I had no one to reach out to, except for some strangers online. I found a great Discord community back then and learned a lot about what a partner is NOT supposed to do with me. No one ever told me or educated me about it. (Which is, sadly, not an autism exclusive issue). In the end I learned enough about how narcissists function that I could turn the table... very subtly and very slowly. Until I got him to kick me out himself and he could still feel like a "hero" for it. Any other option would have ended messy... and dangerous for me. (Mostly due to my isolated situation) My life got a lot better after that. I'm over 30 now and it's the first time in my life that I have a tiny social circle. And it's because of people like you, who make the effort to educate people like me about those topics. So, thank you ❤❤

[@jenniferferris44]

Thank you, this would help explain my constant relapses into burnout and my inability to recover. At least i have answers for whats been occuring past nearly 3 years in which my memories are covered in trauma so bad i get panic attacks followed by meltdowns trying to recall them. 😢 Sadly I'm sort of dependent on them due to not actually being able to function in this world mostly due to being masked so long(since 12) and heavily that it feels like no progress was made in mental/emotional development that someone who wasnt hiding themselves as deep as they could, would of. I legit did everything i was told to do by them if i wanted the emotional abuse to end. It still continues even after closeting, stopped talking to my friends, stopped going out to support groups 💀, and so on. I don't have the strength to do that anyway while burned out from meltdowns caused by the abuse that just passing cars r too much noise most the time

[@xCaramelle]

I'm so sorry to hear about your struggles. I'm sending you strength.

[@jkira1707]

It's the resilience. The ability to self regulate.

[@britanymedina6064]

I’m so happy to have found you. I’m not diagnosed on the spectrum but I highly suspect it, and have shown signs for as far back as I’ve been told ie melt downs over my mom knocking over my organized ponies and her filming my reactions. I always thought I was just a bad and unruly kid but I tried so hard to hold it together. I only melted down 2-4 times a year from what I was told. Anyways your videos have really helped me understand myself and the reasons there can be inconsistencies in my communication and burnout with certain jobs. I always beat myself up. Thank you so much for how thoughtful and educational your videos are and how vulnerable you are. You posted a video about coming home from vacation and just reconnecting with your energy and you were crying. You said it wasn’t a sad cry and I have no words because no one else has explained that so well. I always called myself a big baby because I didn’t know why I was crying, I just assumed I was sad for some reason. I loved your sensory work sheet. And then after all of that, THIS pops up. I was raised by a mother with many narcissistic traits. I wish I could explain my experiences as eloquently as you do.I hope through practice I’ll reach a healing level of communication with others. Thanks so much, I’m so excited to be here and to know your channel is going to help so many people. I really am grateful. ❤

[@runeblade6596]

The part about how social relationships feel like separate pillars and how not knowing what kind of reaction or interaction would happen with others when reaching out is so real. Thank you for putting it into words like that I think it's really accurate for how people on the spectrum can often see and classify relationships with people

[@extracatwomansensitivity2716]

I actually was hoping that someone would talk about this!. I’m a late diagnosed autistic too and I find myself analysing people and finding they could very possibly be autistic too :) I wish you could talk about Elizabeth Holmes as well and the series The Dropout. I don’t know if she’s said she’s autistic but I think she could be and Amanda Seyfred’s portrayal of her was so spot on!

[@shiny_x3]

I relate to this so hard. This is exactly the flavor my abusive relationship had too. I was so independent that it was easy to isolate me and I kept trying to uphold my masks instead of tell anyone anything. And any time I did, it didn't help anyway. I had so much endurance and resilience which just enabled it to continue. I also wanted to say that I REALLY enjoyed this "unmasked" version of you! It flowed really well and I could feel you more!

[@saint82scarlet]

Goddamn, that seriously makes so much sense to me, I'm in a really difficult relationship now, where he had shutdown, and was non verbal for 18 months, I am still with him because he is ill, I don't think it's his fault he acts this way, but I was confused how I've managed almost 5 years with him getting worse, where as others wouldn't be able to cope with this level of dependence on them, without the return factor, but seeing that I'm not the only one who doesn't need or want the emotional bounce back others need, suddenly makes so much sense, I have unfortunately reached a level of burnout last year, and it's taken me 9 months to finally feel close to my level of normal, but I'm finally seeing a change in him too

[@isabellefaguy7351]

Totally agree with all you said about how being autistic makes us easier to abuse and harder to get out of an abusive relationship. I've been in an abusive relationship and I experienced all what you spoke about.

[@bryonyvaughn2427]

Dang. This resonates so deeply with me. Such a framework for understanding my life. And, honestly, I don't know how to get more mutually supportive relationships. I listen, I support, and, when I seek out support, people often change the subject. It saddens me that my being the change doesn't really seem to get me what I need in relationships. Even in therapies I feel like I have to do all the heavy lifting, deep introspection, research what might be going on, coming up with the dynamics, and figuring out "next steps" to get what I need from therapists. So exhausting. :-(

[@Gandalf_the_quantum_G]

A very interesting analysis. Through your videos I find out many traits, which I didn't even related to my autism. Again, very interesting and a very pleasant tone of voice as well as the sentence structure and the logical setup of the narrative. Way more relaxed when you don't look into the camera, so or so im mostly staring at the tree on the right or the LED lights in the back. Greetings from Germany and a good weekend.

[@anniewho4655]

I love what you said about how we go along with things that don't make sense to us all the time, so we are more vulnerable to manipulative people. That is a really important point.

[@danielaspitz3052]

My parents are different types of Narcs, my family consists of them, my kid's father is, many employers were. I've only seen through the poisonous life I've lifed through as a single, totally isolated working parent struggling with CPTSD, being hypersensitive and, quite obviously (yet "untypically") autistic about two years ago. At 52, I've always had bad healtj issues which really start giving me problems now. Chronic stomach pain, bloodpressure and heart issues and many more.

[@lillustpotion]

Lol I literally cosplay as a baddie and then the tism comes out and ppl are like 😮

[@guesswho5790]

I don't know if this is pc, but I enjoyed watching the unmasked version of you more :) thank you for being so thorough in all your videos ❤

[@AfroTae]

omg this channel is becoming prophetic for me 😆 like how do you know

[@Mandalasa]

I really enjoyed this „unmasked“ Video of yours! Actually it was very comforting watching you. It carried such a relaxed, natural and authentic vibe. Somehow on other videos I felt subtly a little bit “irritated” and didn’t now why. Now, watching this one, that subtle impression just vanished completely! I was so impressed by my different perception of you, that I totally forgot to focus on your actual information given 😂 I’ll have to rewatch … Thank you so much, for allowing yourself to show up authentically and being such an inspiration to the community ☀️

[@jkka1477]

My dad (who isn’t alive anymore) I strongly suspect was a narcissist and I have been diagnosed with autism at age 4. Autism only ran on mom’s side of the family, but dad was showing the broad autistic phenotype, however mostly he had narcissistic traits. He was never diagnosed with narcissistic personality disorder, but he met the criteria, but his NPD traits were misdiagnosed as bipolar disorder! He took lithium, but didn’t see the effects. The anger issues, the irritability and the grandiose delusions he had are all signs of mania. But he didn’t have the other traits of mania, like insomnia, pressured speech, hyperactivity, euphoria, or the type of impulsive behavior that you regret later. He had more NPD traits, like lack of empathy, selfishness, sensitivity to criticism, passive aggression, claiming our birthdays as his, making himself look good, and being vindictive to others, but his friends thank him and see him as the good guy. Only my family members and cousins know something was up with him. I lived with it my whole life as a victim. Can I please not have comments advertising for an autism cure?

[@christopherko475]

I fully under this topic, as most of my “friends” are narcissists and when I open up for help, I’m either ignored or wronged… life is very toxic, especially when you have to be so aware of other people’s motives. This turned me into a near recluse, bordering on misanthropy. And it’s partly due to the rejection I’ve received, and all the gaslighting from my peers. Those who got to know me actually appreciated my friendship as this world is full of fakes. Often you find that when people see you’re different, just because people don’t understand you, they will take full advantage, be it anything. When I was in school, the abuse was probably at its worst as the school staff covered it all up and made it look like I was crazy or playing the victim. To make things worse, the school involved deleted the CCTV footage of me being abused openly. Not only has this ruined my outlook on life, but when you’re in that situation with the culprits put in charge of you, they’ll do anything to make you fail. Society is so hypocritical, sometimes they will make all these propaganda like inspirational video of people with special needs when it’s all very Machiavellian. I hope you can get away from these sorts of people, this affected me so much that I find it hard to work a usual job involving people in a team. What makes it more difficult is when people slam you when you come up with alternatives when their ideas are no different. All the best and good luck.

[@xsarahelisa]

Irene, this video is so spot on. I still cannot believe I didn't realize what was happening to me at the time. 2 years, through Covid. Thankfully I am no longer in that friendship. I particularly resonate with what you said about accepting "bad" behaviour as normal, because going through life autistic, so many things seem abnormal to us but we have to accept them anyway. And generally, things end up okay. Also resonated with the part about the narcissist loving us autistics because they can take, and take, and we just replenish ourselves independently and never complain. She knew from the start I would be an endless resource for her emotional vampirism (I would not call what she did to me abuse), and so she started the love bombing immediately. Again, silly me, I thought this love bombing was maybe a more normal thing in neurotypical women's friendships. But no... She just wanted to hook me in. I even had a mutual friend try to explain how uncomfortable he was with the nature of my friendship with her. It wasn't until I got a 5 day a week job and she got a romantic partner that I started to see what she was. At the same time, I also began to seek emotional support from her for some of the problems in my life, which I previously never did. She didn't really know much about me at all. I don't think she liked that I was no longer the pillar of emotional stability she could go to for love and care. I thought the support she'd give me would be equal to what I had given her, but even when she knew my cat was likely dying overnight at the vet college unexpectedly, she sent me a mile-long message about a problem with her partner she had already talked to me about before. (She didn't like the noises or faces he made while working out, nor how long it took him to use her fitness equipment. My inclination was to stupidly still show her compassion and support for this ridiculous issue, then explained my cat was going to be put down.) Our friendship imploded because I could no longer replenish myself while providing her unending, nonjudgemental psychological support. My mask slipped and it resulted in me losing the ability to speak to her kindly. All the resentment leaked through. To say I'm glad we're no longer in contact is an understatement. I only wish I could have helped her partner see she was manipulating and gaslighting him, but our friendship was only online so I have no way to reach him. So many red flags ignored... There's a reason her childhood friends cut her out and she orchestrates all her relationships online. There's a reason she has so many stories of cutting people off because she was "victim" to all this mistreatment she claims from past friends and partners. It was all to get me to feel bad for her and support her. I fully believe terrible things have happened to her, (her mother is extremely controlling and outwardly narcissistic), and I fully believe that she truly sees herself as the victim in all these situations. Her narcissism is covert, although obviously I can't diagnose her. Hell, I'm a mental health nurse and didn't see her for what she was. Just gave her unending love and support and never once challenged her on what I saw as her treating others badly. I'm ashamed of that, but thankfully I've been able to let most of my shame go. Because of my autism, I was never quite sure if my gut feelings were right when I thought she was doing something hurtful to someone. That, combined with the endless "you can do no wrong" and "you're perfect" that she repeated to me for months in the beginning, that I thought I was supposed to just reciprocate. Of course, in the end, if I treated her badly I was an irredeemable demon in her eyes. But she doesn't hold herself to the same standards, and mistreats others constantly. Thankfully, this has all helped me become a much better person. This video was cathartic. Thank you from the bottom of my heart.

[@yibuseato]

I love this version of video. I felt it was very relatable and made me feel really comfortable knowing you were not masking. Thanks for posting this!!!!

[@NoisyBones]

I was a victim of narcissistic abuse myself. I thought this person was my friend and even though they would say and do things that made me uncomfortable I didnt say anything because noone else close to them seemed to be feeling that concern. Eventually I did stand up to them and lost so many friends that I wondered if what I did was wrong. It took me watching a WWE storyline that was focusing on an autistic-coded character being abused by a NPD character to actually accept that I was right to stand up for myself. I encourage people who are struggling with feelings of guilt over NPD abuse to watch Sami Zayn and his involvement with the Bloodline. It sounds so silly that pro-wrestling could be healing but the validation of watching a stadium full of people cheer when the autistic coded character finally stands up for himself brought me to tears.

[@bryonyvaughn2427]

Whoa. Five years ago I divorced my abuser. It took me 26 years to recognize his behavior was abusive, thanks largely to being raised in a home that normalized abuse. Interesting thing. After I filed for divorce, he immediately started dating a woman twenty years younger than I am who is also autistic. I strongly suspect my ex seeks out autistic women because he finds us easier to snow. We're so used to being misunderstood, perhaps it's easier to play on our sympathies that way to cover any slips he may have in his cover. Going younger makes it easier too. The larger one's dataset of interpersonal interactions, the easier it is to pick up on someone not reacting as a sincere person would.

[@zionnoel]

Whoaaaaa I get the thing about being more open to hearing/enabling crazy ideas or suggestions by an abuser, because I experienced that! It wasn't about aliens or demons or anything, but actually about things he would say that did NOT like up with his actions, and actually I knew immediately and certainly in my own brain that something was off/wrong, but tried to leave margin and openness for the possibility that it was just myself being confused and not being able to make sense of something that actually was reasonable, even though he was truly being nonsensical, not at all reasonable, and manipulative (also I genuinely don't perceive that he understood his own level of manipulation. He didn't get that that's what he was doing!! Wild). I know; confusing comment. But feels good to share and express :) 🤷🏼‍♀️

[@eubique]

I literally have never heard of the person or story you're talking about but the internal processes and relational dynamics are brilliantly observed.

[@PotatoWisdom]

Okay, I know this is a year old but I just watched Bad Vegan and felt the same.. there were many Autistic traits that stood out to me. And naturally, I had to dig deeper into her story. I found a podcast interview, which led me to looking at her IG account... she was recently diagnosed with Autism!! And there's an article about it in People magazine!

[@joybird144]

Audhd Bipolar afab here two months and 8 days out of an abusive relationship and everything you said is just so spot on for my experience. I was in it for 2 and a half years. Diagnosed last year in March due to being in autistic burnout from the abuse.

[@b-utifulbruiser3693]

Thank you for making this video. I would like to post a link as I do believe that awareness of this issue should be more widely understood. I am diagnosed with autism and I can relate so much with the article I'm sharing, starting in childhood and following into adulthood. I don't have any family or friend support. I have a lifetime of CPTSD, 19 years of chronic, daily migraines, neurological and health issues mainly due to being so alone my entire life. The "one size fits all" like shelters were horrible for me for a variety of reasons; I never felt safe. I'd rather be abused by one individual who is hardly around than by multiple people simultaneously like many times before when I'd try to leave, just to end up homeless and using to help my pain, which only leads to more struggle and trauma. Because of my hindrances reading the motives and intentions, I often didn't know what was being done to me was "wrong," just that it hurt. I was in the system as a child due to the severity of my mom's abuse. Among many other things, she broke my nose by slamming my face into a metal case of some kind which also gave me a grand mal and severe concussion because I unintentionally embarrassed her as a young child. That was one of few times in early childhood that I went into early foster care, but the state always tries to place me back with her thinking she got "help." She's chased me with knives, tried to suffocate me once, abused me in many different ways, frequently threw everything I loved into the dumpster, enjoyed inflicting pain on me, and was arrested for conspiring to kill me after school after she bragged her plans to someone which was when I taken away permanently (I was hauled out of school in handcuffs even though I was compliant). When my foster parents were fired for abuse, I was unable to finish my last year of school and had to drop out. I struggled badly holding minimum wage jobs and frequently was harassed until I met a kind gentleman who ended up sex trafficking me until I eventually ran away and slept on the streets, homeless, pregnant, sick, cold, and hungry. That's when I met my husband, who I thought was the kindest and most compassionate individual. We courted for several months. It took two weeks after getting married to find out that he is, in reality, the opposite. He doesn't touch me unless he's angry. He doesn't compliment me but insults and screams at me. He turned out to be so similar to my mom. He's also got three black belts and so his abuse has been brutal. Nowadays, it's mostly neglect, isolation, verbal, and psychological abuse. He is good with words so he's easily able to twist it and make himself the victim, especially to outsiders who have this image of him. People have often told me I am "so lucky" to have such a loving husband. I tried to leave multiple times back before my health got worse just to end up back on the streets and a target for more people. I'm severely traumatized and burned out from it all. I need help and I have no one. I'm so burned out I can't motivate myself to try anymore now that trauma has been going on for almost 38 years. I feel like I've lived one thousand lifetimes and I am so tired because I am always alone and never experienced genuine friendship or love. The thin slice judgment theory is definitely something autistics should look into. I think, on top of his charm, that is one reason why people would always discount me when I'd try to reach out in the past. My abuser is charming, hard working, funny, intelligent, and his facade just swoons people and they decide that he's a great guy within the first few minutes. As for me, I'm not very likeable because I struggle to socialize, verbally communicate, etc. My struggles have only gotten worse after 18 years of this on top of a lot of trauma, chronic migraines, and other medical health issues. It has also exacerbated my autism symptoms and being in a constant hypervigilent state has caused damage to my brain (which showed on a QEEG on top of my EEGs being very abnormal). I've become agoraphobic due to enough public humiliation. I underwent a 13 year process of "personality death," where my personality changed a whole 180°. Here's the link.. Please, take a look at it and consider what it's saying. It is NOT our fault, but our autism does make us easier targets because of our hindrances in understanding situations, reading people, and a childlike ness of taking people for face value. Predators can sense our vulnerability and target us out of a roomful of people, especially when we are alone. It is not our fault, it is theirs. More awareness needs to be done on this, so we can receive some kind of help where our particular needs can be met. I don't want to end up back on the streets with chronic migraines, health issues, and as a target again like always in the past. journals.sagepub.com/doi/full/10.1177/13623613231205630

[@juliabiedal1091]

Thank you so much for this video, I was abused by a narcisistic ex boyfriend, it's been a long time, I'm yet to go to therapy

[@Nina94771]

Thank you so much for making this video! I remember watching Bad Vegan with my ex covert narcissist partner and feeling so uneasy and so sure they were in fact toxic but didn’t break it off finally with them for months after watching it. The relationship between ADHD/Autism/AuDHD and NPD are so interesting so if you have more stories to discuss the nuances of these relationships and they’re dynamics. How you become bait for a person with NPD but can also be a blessing and you inadvertently beat them at their own game 😯😅👏

[@deet797]

I suspect that I have autism (gonna go get a formal assessment once my healthcare kicks in) but I was in an abusive relationship with a narcissist and this is pretty spot on to what ended up happening. I didn’t get out until it started affecting those around me and they realized how bad the situation was.

[@allmighty069]

Thanks for this video, I got diagnosed a few days ago, I'm in full research mode, I also come from a narcicisstic family background and childhood sexual abuse, I'm desperate to get the help I need with this, I'm really struggling to cope most of the times, this topic needs to be a lot Moore widely covered as we have a lot more odds to be abused due to our natural people pleasing behavior. Thank you!.

[@thekweiss22]

Thank you so much for exploring this dynamic. I can relate to it so much. I’ve been in a physically/mentally abusive relationship with a narcissist for the past 6 years, and it just shook me to listen to this, bc I also have my own businesses, am a huge introvert, and put up with way too much. Which I think definitely was in part to being autistic. Also, not being able to see through people and notice their hidden agendas is something that has gotten me into unhealthy relationships on the past. Thank you for sharing.

[@underachievingoverachiever]

Love the work that you're doing and so wanted to show my support in a practical way 😊

[@JoannaSternbergYoutube]

oh my goodness I am so grateful you have a video on this topic! your channel is one of my absolute favorites!!!!

[@anjachan2]

I really like this video. You can always do it like this.

[@spiicyliime22]

This was insanely interesting. Ty for doing this. I related to a lot in this video and everything you said made so much sense to me. I'm self diagnosed and have been in abusive relationships. I felt so strongly for Sarma when I watched that doc and you just put those pieces together for me. I really appreciate the depth of which you commit to your videos :)

[@r.w.bottorff7735]

This is the second video of yours today that just randomly popped up with a tagline that I myself have been wondering about, but haven't seen any other content creators address yet. Thank you for covering some lessor known but vital topics!

[@badraster7909]

A little late to the party, but I just want to say thank you for this! I have never had the words to describe or even really understand what happened to me in a past abusive relationship and listening to this has been really helpful. I think this is really important content for people to hear

[@michelletaylor5376]

Irene!! You are absolutely a Soul Sister!! ❤ I came across you earlier and have been greedily digesting loads of you videos. You've such a fantastic way of explaining your own autism, and mine. We seem to be extremely similar in our expressions of autism as well as life events. Keep doing what you're doing, you're a Star 🌟

[@lynncotto371]

Awesome video Irene, thank you so much. I love how you broke down the topic & how you shared your perspective. I resonate with with a lot of the traits you talk about in this video & other videos you've done on autism. So happy I found your channel 😊👍💓

[@YourCharmingStory]

Spot on Irene. You put so many of my experiences into words and brought clarity. I pray God blesses you for your work in this community.

[@valeriamolderf6594]

Just thank you for your effort and input, you’re the best💕💕

[@mused2648]

Oh my goodness! You explained my own experience with a similar dynamic SPOT ON. 😮 Thank you for taking the time to bring awareness to this topic.

[@chachi7457]

Thank you so much for your videos. I received a late diagnosis at 25 and have been clipping some of your videos to send to my family and friends to help them better understand me. The way you describe things is so perfect to me and I have a hard time finding the words myself. Thank you for helping me understand myself and explain myself to my loved ones

[@amber8542]

This video was pure brilliance. Very grateful.

[@shadesofgreenihoko4485]

i think youre spot on

[@khplaylistyt9729]

i was introduced to the possibility of me having autism/aspergers 3 years ago but since i only realized and discovered the narcissism of my own family and me having cptsd bc of it i brushed that off. i also was experiencing burnout, extreme executive dysfunction thus also considering the adhd possibility. thats already a lot. but now may 2024, and several labels under my belt to understand my long standing predicament of being myself, i looked closely into autism after a jubilee episode. 😂 and oh boy, oh boy...listening to others talk about it was extremely triggering for me for some reason. i had no problem with labelling myself but why the intense repulsion with autism??? social problems were my greatest dilemma ever since i was a kid. it's like one of my greatest wounds. oh how can i forget the sensory issues...if you have them but living with narcs? you can practically forget about meltdowns and all your sensitivities for the comfort of the whole narc system. it was like being trapped in my own body. the gravity of everything is just infuriating. i feel so sorry for myself :(

[@chasingdowntruth]

I don't know who she is but I relate to her so much, this is me too and this is exactly whats going on with me. I have been searching SO hard for clarity lately and this video is bringing so much clarity to my life today. I really want to thank you from the bottom of my heart. I actually told my crisis therapist about you and this video and it helped me get the right help instead of the wrong help this time and now I have a bigger idea of whats been going on in my inner and outter world

[@KianaVision]

I relate to this. Im self diagnosed as of last week. Researching has been constant and this video was so validating. I believe my mother and all me and six of my sisters may be autistic. I want to write a longer comment about everything you said, but I don’t even think I am emotionally strong enough to do that right now. So much to unpack. 😢I just wanted to come in and say thank you for this uplod😔❤️

[@arrissiaowen1366]

I felt the same about the doc, almost immediately. My ASD spidey senses went off immediately. This doc and your breakdown on this helped me understand some things about myself, and why I am easy prey to narcissists, and why I never feel like I can ask for help. Your analysis of the blonde thing is very insightful. I was like this when I was younger and on an upward trajectory in my career, and looking back it did open many doors and got me into situations I maybe wouldn’t have otherwise. It was a mask. I have always had people tell me I am not at all like what they expected, and it’s always been kind of complexing, I guess. I am just me. But now I can see it in hindsight with the sort of self-awareness that comes with age, but also because so much information is surfacing from a younger, neurodivergent generation with more self-awareness and tools to navigate all of this. I didn’t know I was autistic until way too late. It would be a huge understatement to say that it would have made a difference to have that self-awareness at an earlier age. I would have had a better understanding of why, even though I was such a seemingly strong, independent woman who often helped others with their issues, could be so vulnerable to abuse by a certain personality type. Thank you for this.

[@marissaoaks3309]

I was today officially diagnosed as autistic and I was abuse by my dad for 8 years and i am gald that a video talks about it i have ADHD, C-PTSD, depression, and some anxiety disorder this was all diagnosed by my psychologist.

[@user-zw6is6ng4r]

Ive never found anything on this topic before, thankyou so much!!!❤.