This Could Be Ruining Your Dating Life (Do You Have Anxious Attachment?)

[@ShadeTreeKennyT]

Years ago I had a scarcity mindset. I still do, but now it's the other way around. I'm the catch, the stable, drama free, loyal guy that the right woman will find valuable. I won't hesitate to walk away if their are any games. I know my worth and will not settle for anything that brings chaos into my life. ✌

[@avidhossanmansur9830]

I have my own formula when it comes to long-term relationship trough trials/errors. And I'm happy to have it in my life: ( I told my partner about them in our second date and these are the things that are essential in the relationship: 1) Communication: Always listen and speak to your partner about everything. 2) Honesty: Always be open about your feelings to one another. 3) Growth: Always be supportive of your partners’ goals in life. 4) Acceptance: You do not need to complete you, you need someone to accept you completely. Because I'm a confident person I set the expectations early on and it doesn't take long to realize whether the person shares these sentiments or try at the very least.

[@omiunusamson9978]

Hello I'm so excited my relationship was fixed back again my ex is back to me we loving and happily together,I got help from a great man who brought us back together

[@ajtaylor8750]

Used to have this attachment style but I became secure in myself by knowing 1) I am enough, 2) I am worthy of love and respect, and 3) regardless of what happens, I'll be just fine. When you learn to love yourself and accept yourself, relationships with the opposite sex are more of a joy than a weight on your life.

[@omiunusamson9978]

Hey friend I got my relationship fixed back with the help of a man who brought my partner back in 48 hours after many years of separation.

[@tommygunn6901]

This definitely hits! I used to have a huge anxious attachment, then avoidant in my teen years, and now it's anxious avoidant. I tend to be such an over thinker with a fear of abandonment and such. This would result in me going off impulsive with messaging, reacting right away, fight or flee, etc.

[@CourtneyRyan]

Thank you for sharing this, Tommy! I think a lot of us have been there.

[@omiunusamson9978]

Hello I'm so excited my relationship was fixed back again my ex is back to me we loving and happily together,I got help from a great man who brought us back together

[@remmy2170]

Thanks a lot

[@sirmustard5337]

Sounds like ADHD to me

[@woolf9035]

This was me until I got medicated for adhd. I was able to turn off all those rapid firing thoughts and focus on one thing at a time and evaluate it. Game changer

[@eddiebatter]

Of course being anxious is part of the problem that everyone needs to work on. However I also feel that online dating is a big problem. People are judged based on a picture and not their character. Plus everyone now just uses their phone and doesn’t know how to socialize face to face.

[@Enchanteralle]

So agree. Online dating or modern dating makes it much more difficult when ppl treat others like they are disposable. Takes time to get to know someone and the fact that when the other person dates multiple ppl at once or always thinking the grass is greener on the other side, it doesn’t help to feel secure.

[@jayquanfloyd9384]

I'm 28 and single. I always hear my co workers saying that why am I'm single? I told them.i never dated anyone because I'm just unattractive but according to "older people" they say im handsome. I was never a popular guy in highschool and I was shy and quiet so people ignore me. Whenever, my classmates were assigned to do class projects, I decided to do them alone. Fast forward. I'm 28 years old now and I'm still single and never dated anybody. I just have to accept the fact I'm just ugly and move on. I do go to the gym alot and where appropriate attire but I dont think it's the clothes, its just me. Most of my friends are encouraging me to go out and talk to women. The thing is I dont want to waste people's time so I dont bother them. My friends tried to tell me that women loves sex but I never had sex or dont know how to do it. So to women it's a turn off. Yes I'm a virgin too. I probably just dont attract women. At this point, I gave and focus on myself, money, and getting a house. Women hates introverts and virgin shy guys. I'm just being realistic. I can be the type of guy and have plenty of money and still think I'm unattractive

[@TuffLuv1984]

You need to see a therapist. This rant is relentlessly negative and everyone hates that.

[@aaronsaiz2498]

I suffer from depression suicidal thoughts I have anxiety I've been thinking so much Courtney and I really want to find true love and watching your videos are really helping to see what I can work on your look for the details of what what to do or not to do or see if the person is right or wrong for me lately I've been going through a depression and suicidal thoughts but watching your videos makes me happy thank you so much fir what you do Courtney you are an awesome Beautiful woman I hope you have a great day and God bless you thanks again I love you

[@meetkadikar6276]

Dude I m seriously rn going through this and I didnt even know what this feeling was... But suddenly your video pops up and I realised what I m going through... I will try your given solution to solve my problem... Thanks for the video this was much needed❤️

[@omiunusamson9978]

Hello I'm so excited my relationship was fixed back again my ex is back to me we loving and happily together,I got help from a great man who brought us back together

[@smartalecl4]

Anxious attachment is especially tough because it's kept me from getting into a relationship, since I've always come off as desperate thinking that nobody could ever love me if I don't try to court them

[@BangMaster96]

Its an irony, Humans have created such an amazing Civilization with their intellect, but we are all still guided by our most basic Biology. The same Biology that guided our primate ancestors in the Jungles and Savanahs. Humans were tribal back in the hunter gatherer days, we all needed each other in order to survive the harsh environment, defend against predators, search for food and water, build shelter, etc. But, we Humans quickly became smarter through trial and error, and we developed agriculture, which allowed us to settle down in one place and build a Civilization. But, amazing as our Civilization is, we are still inherently tribal and guided by the same Biology of the past. That's why modern world is hard for so many of us, because in the modern world, people are more alone, there is little to no sense of community or patriotism, no one even knows who their neighbors are, most people have zero close friends, and most people don't know how to find a suitable mate. It sucks, but we all have to deal with this, and learn to adapt to the environment in which we Live. We are not going back to the hunter gather days anymore, Civilizations have existed for over 5,000 to 10,000 years at this point. We all have to learn to adapt, and Humans are great at adaptation, that's what we are built for. Don't be sad, depressed, or anxious because you aren't able to navigate the modern world, just be calm, focus on your health, and wealth, and learn how to adapt. You'll be just fine, and good luck.

[@johngonzalez4298]

I stayed single for so long and I got adjusted to it before I got into my current relationship. When I told my friends about my current relationship, they were like "it's about time" or "Thank god" as their expressions. I've spent the majority of my 20s and parts of my 30s being single but it has its advantages but it's always nice to share your life with someone you care for. Have a great Memorial day weekend, Courtney 🥰

[@spa9920]

This is me as well, but I’m obsessed with my career and I fucking loveee it! But I always tell my friends I’m an anomaly

[@johngonzalez4298]

@@spa9920 🎯

[@jimmusthegrimmace]

This is me except i cannot find a single thing a woman can give me in a relationship that i cannot get for myself so i stay single. Ive got friends and ive got family and ive got a job. Personally, if i had friends say thank god at a new relationship for me would annoy me.

[@Enchanteralle]

Kinda on the same boat, but still searching for someone who is a right fit. Modern dating doesn’t make it easy unfortunately

[@johngonzalez4298]

@@Enchanteralle It's not easy at all and dating is even more difficult than it was 10 years ago or 20 years ago

[@joshuarichardson3545]

I love this one. It’s so easy to beat yourself up with intrusive thoughts when you’re constantly in “fight or flight” mode when dating someone when you have an anxious attachment. But just knowing that you’re aware of your attachment style and willing to do the homework to ease the weight of anxiety really says a lot about who you are and the growth you’re creating for yourself.

[@omiunusamson9978]

Hey friend I got my relationship fixed back with the help of a man who brought my partner back in 48 hours after many years of separation.

[@VideoGameRoom32]

This is very helpful. I had an ex-girlfriend that cheat on me and when I started dating again it would always crossed my mind that I would get cheated on again if she didn't return my call or text me back in a timely manner but that wasn't always the case. A person should make effort to talk to their partner before jumping to conclusions. Thank you Courtney.

[@omiunusamson9978]

Hey friend I got my relationship fixed back with the help of a man who brought my partner back in 48 hours after many years of separation.

[@Firesword534]

One of the best sentiments I've ever heard was, "you have a brain in your head for a reason, use it." I wonder how many poor decisions could be avoided if like said here, one takes the time to slow down, think things through a bit, and control one's emotions rather than letting them control oneself.

[@omiunusamson9978]

Hey friend I got my relationship fixed back with the help of a man who brought my partner back in 48 hours after many years of separation.

[@NueThunderKing]

That same brain usually betrays you from time to time, it is not an easy task to tame it.

[@travisoshea]

Lewis Howes talks about this on Jay Sherry's podcast. To be not attached to the outcome and he mentions that he dose not know how long he will be in his current relationship. Mentions that he hopes it for a long time but if it dosent than "I will be okay". To get over the fact that everyone in your life will disappoint you in some manner and it's how we respond to those situations. This is super powerful!!!!

[@josephstevens9888]

Thank you Courtney for expressing that you struggle with anxious attachment feelings. It gives your presentation far more credence than someone who would "preach' down to the listeners on this topic.

[@omiunusamson9978]

Hey friend I got my relationship fixed back with the help of a man who brought my partner back in 48 hours after many years of separation.

[@BorisBidjanSaberi11]

Just got the audiobook.... Yeah I needed to see this

[@garypierce7380]

This video is really good. Recognizing the thoughts that trigger your illogical progression of worrying and deciding to not go down that road will take a lot of unnecessary stress out of your life. The advice a counselor gave me (a pastor's wife who happened to be a counselor) has really helped me. Look at the pros and cons and figure out what is the worst thing that can happen. Deciding that you can handle whatever comes will relieve most of the anxiety and let you stop obsessing about it.

[@omiunusamson9978]

Hey friend I got my relationship fixed back with the help of a man who brought my partner back in 48 hours after many years of separation.

[@Spectacular-Spider-Dan]

The timing of you making this video couldn't have come at a better time for me. Thank you!

[@CourtneyRyan]

I’m so glad! Hope it helps!

[@Spectacular-Spider-Dan]

@@CourtneyRyan It most certainly did!

[@littlesomethingable]

I love that book too. It showed me my attachment style and found I am secure-anxious. So I still do have some thing from anxious (overthinking mostly) but my secure side makes it to where I am more aware of myself and surroundings. So the anxious side doesn’t last long

[@GroceryStoreStories101]

This is literally me 100% thank you Courtney for this video. It's something I know I need to work on. Literally everything you talked about is me. I always say to myself I bet she isn't interested in me. And avoid talking to very attractive women. I can be very needy and I never let my exes hangout with her friends because I was worried she would talk to other guys. I also would be very tense and pissed when my ex would talk to other guys in front of me. It's something I truly need to work on. I'm currently single I've kinda taken a break from dating. I'm working on me and trying to better my life.

[@omiunusamson9978]

Hey friend I got my relationship fixed back with the help of a man who brought my partner back in 48 hours after many years of separation.

[@waltjabsco9338]

I always think people are lying to me, I've met and have known so many fake people and liars that it is almost ingrained in me someone is lying or playing a game. Someone could say to me 'I love you' and I would think they are lying and playing a game and convince myself that they are lying to me.

[@callumvlogsyt]

I can be such an overthinker and I can overanalyse as well and that's what's tends me not to message a lot of girls. Your advice really helps!

[@omiunusamson9978]

Hey friend I got my relationship fixed back with the help of a man who brought my partner back in 48 hours after many years of separation.

[@mr.parham8773]

Thank you I needed to hear this

[@carytigani9859]

I appreciate you being honest Courtney. It seems like the therapy has helped you with your anxiety if you’re able to share it on KZbin. Good for you! The girl I’m talking to right now is horrible with texting but we’ve been consistent with meeting in person regularly for dates where they’ve all went well. I have totally felt needy and overanalyzed her response time. She leaves me on read a lot and I would instantly jump to the worst case scenario. You are right about taking a step back and breathing slow. Also I talk about it with friends and that helps me realize how silly those negative thoughts are. That person picked you, so remind yourself that you are good enough.

[@EduardoSantos-pv8yo]

" horrible with texting ..." She did a video about this a few weeks ago.

[@paulv2394]

Fortunately, I'm single by choice. Freedom is ABSOLUTELY blissful to me. I've met many women of various ages and from different parts of the world, yet still I choose solitude. There's nothing more exciting to me than the ability to go wherever I choose, whenever I choose. My life is truly unlimited in more ways than one. Women are great at times, but they still do not and cannot replace a feeling such as the last time I was at an Alaskan camp, gazing upon the open sea and the ice surrounding me. It was amazing to say the least. I was alone, but I was not lonely. Loneliness is for those that do not truly love who they are and the God of everything, in my opinion of course.

[@LatimusChadimus]

HalleluYah

[@paulv2394]

@@LatimusChadimus😊

[@marcmays48]

A perfectly fine choice, so long as it is conscious. Just realize that everything comes with a shelf life, and your dating life is no exception. There's a time and a season for everything, and if you *DO* prioritize finding a life partner, it's important to do so within a reasonable time frame. 👍

[@paulv2394]

@@marcmays48 I prefer to die alone, I'm NEVER, EVER, EVER lonely. Big difference. Weakness comes from not having the ability to live in true joy, ALONE. I'm INCREDIBLY content. Perhaps I'm a rare individual regarding such things. I'm not special. Lol. And I'm BEYONG conscious. Heh heh heh. Bliss my friend, bliss....

[@marcmays48]

@@paulv2394 For a perfectly content man... you sure do *sigh* melodramatically a lot. Just sayin'. 😊 And while I can't tell you how you should spend your valuable time... what sense does it make to watch videos about relationships, if you're never going to apply anything that you've learned? Everyone has to decide for themselves what they want in life, so I sincerely hope this comes across less as criticisms... and rather, observations which might make your life better. In the end, though, it's up to you. 🙂

[@michaelrodriguez3329]

With how modern women are . It's much better to stay single. Singleness used to be considered a outcast in society . Now it's a blessing.

[@brianbee]

I agree!

[@christophercohen418]

Obligatory early post for the algorithm gods. Also, love the topic. Understanding your attachment styles and love languages will go a long way to be able to connect with others.

[@CourtneyRyan]

🙌🏼 thank you Christopher!

[@christophercohen418]

@@CourtneyRyan No doubt. You’re welcome. Keep dropping great content!

[@marcmays48]

Thanks for boosting the algo. Great post, Courtney! Always great to find a new book for understanding relationships. 😀

[@SleepingGiant45]

This is what I've just gone through with a girl. This video is exactly what I needed to hear.

[@omiunusamson9978]

Hey friend I got my relationship fixed back with the help of a man who brought my partner back in 48 hours after many years of separation.

[@izzylandyt]

The severe anxiety and avoidance you speak of is something I struggle with for most of my life. Yes it’s due to childhood trauma, but also dealing with so much pain by myself. I use to hold so much trust in others, yet I ended up being betrayed or have my words turned against me. It happened so many times that it’s predictable. I know folks out here expect you to fix it on your own, but this is a sort of battle one cannot fight alone. Oh and I’ve had bad experiences with therapists / doctors as well so don’t even try it. To add insult to injury, whenever I make accomplishments (i.e making money, finding a place, getting degrees, etc.), the very people that weren’t there at my lowest times just showed up and tried to be a part of my life. I’ve yet to find the exception, and when I do it all just seems too good to be true.

[@jasonhurst8599]

Wow; talk about striking a nerve. Definitely wish I had found out about this decades ago! Seriously. My main problem I've come to realize over the years is I "FALL" too far/hard, too FAST, and I basically go "all in". Which ends up leaving me feeling devastated when she doesn't reciprocate my feelings. (Maybe/PROBABLY because I don't give her enough time to figure out how she feels, scare her away, just isn't physically attracted to me, or what I believe is the most logical reason...A COMBINATION OF ALL OF THE ABOVE. I do always eventually move on, although it does get harder, and longer to do so; and the history of ONLY always being rejected, and hearing the six most painful words a man can hear, " I Like You As A FRIEND." makes it take even longer to do so each time; I still do. I think it's more so my not wanting to feel like a failure for having put in so much time, effort, love, caring for and ABOUT the person, etc without it meaning anything. Not only as far as not getting the girl; but maybe even moreso, not to her; regardless of whether she reciprocates my romantic feelings or not. So at least now I know that this is an actual "thing", and can FINALLY start to do something about it. (Unfortunately years too late for specific reasons ).

[@omiunusamson9978]

Hey friend I got my relationship fixed back with the help of a man who brought my partner back in 48 hours after many years of separation.

[@michirista]

Also so many experience as adult can change our attachment style,for example the death from someone with a really close bond to us,can make you to respond in a insecure way to the people close to you friends partners etc,the good thing is that we can heal from all these wounds,also not only being anxious attachment,there are 2 others attachment style that can make you single or sabotage your relationship like avoidant attachment or fearful attachment (a mix of both attachment styles) you can identify your attachment style and also identify the attachment style in others so you can know how to proceed or expect from them,a really life changing game friends

[@BrentWigginsWords]

Awareness and acceptance go a long way. It allows you to allow life to happen. No judgement, just clarity about the things you need momentarily and over time rather than desire immediately. You have to take your blinders off and establish healthy boundaries. You have to be more selective and attentive to people, behaviors, and situations you will and will not accept, that will accept you and your best self. Slow and safe is not boring, it is the primer for an individual to assess who they are and who they want in their life. Help yourself, help others.

[@cisium1184]

I'm partly clingy like that. But I also reject people pre-emptively to avoid being rejected by them. However it manifests, I definitely have an issue with rejection in relationships with women. It's funny because I don't have that problem in any other aspect of my life.

[@omiunusamson9978]

Hey friend I got my relationship fixed back with the help of a man who brought my partner back in 48 hours after many years of separation.

[@scottring2743]

Co-Dependency is real. Alone time is absolutely a must. #ShadowWork

[@CourtneyRyan]

🙌🏼 yes!!!

[@princespence16]

I really love her choice of sweaters / clothes she choses.. such goood style

[@Me-rd7po]

TYSM you're an angel 🙏 i had a sever fear of relationships and getting attached which kept me away from having a relationship. now that ik i can fix it ty sm

[@hjpwin]

What helps for me, is by imagining that I'm being seen as less attractive / or weaker by responding, acting out on it etc. So I see it as a 'mini test' to pass in order to be more desirable by the other person, as the alternative is a turn off, destroying 'frame'. Yet, I still try to determine if there are certain patterns, and only after a longer term would I have enough info on the thing that's bothering me.

[@SufianM]

Congrats on the engagement!!

[@bartdegryse9345]

I just want to meet someone I can joke/banter with, etc. I light up so much with people who I experience good feelings with ...

[@SquarishLink]

This is why i love your work, you actually point to solutions and not just give cookie cutter "this is your problem" list out traits and end the video. I'm buying that book attached tonight im far too old to be anxiously attached to women. With this attachment style i attract the wrong kind of woman.

[@OfficialDidier]

Funny you mentioned about fear of abandonment, because the best current example of this in the Johnny Depp & Amber Heard trial closing arguments.

[@CourtneyRyan]

Spot on!

[@kasra38s]

You have no idea how on time this was for me!!! Thank you so muuuch for making another great video, and making a positive impact in, my and many other men’s lives all over the world!! ❤️❤️

[@Mike_Torres_Golf]

Courtney, I love your videos. I can only say I love them in theory. I follow a lot of dating coaches online to see where most stand from a status quo through different situations. The one thing I will say that most dating coaches on here comparatively to most people having these issues are already past the starting line. Looks aren't the 100% answer to getting dates but comparatively to most there is a large advantage and it is what it is. Most dating coaches speak from theory but will never be able to understand the different starting line points for most people on application. Looks do matter. Dating apps have their place and so do personality but to get past the starting line, normally their needs to be an attraction. You do state it well. Emotional attraction does play a LARGE part. Theory, I agree with but the application aspect is much more difficult to where I honestly feel dating in your 30's now feels like a second job. Do I consider myself a catch. I honestly do. Above average looking guy, good job, good personality, can make people laugh but the market out there is tough for a guy like me, imagine people who feel they may be below me in looks or another category and I don't even consider myself that far past the pack! I think that dating coaches really need to touch on this because the theory of what all of you say only begins what we are past the starting line and everyone's starting line is different. INTJ vs ENFP. Just for example, on personality types. I'd be interested to see a video on this honestly. For everyone that is reading this, this is not a jab at Courtney at all. She is by far one if not the best dating coach on youtube by a long shot. She is super empathetic to understand the steps of dating. I am asking a deeper question because she will know how to answer it and this a question I know most are probably asking. - Love you Courtney! Cheers, Mike

[@janpauledwarddedios5366]

Attachment styles are so ingrained and almost second nature.. I'm glad there are books out there that discuss these..my parents have these and was in a codependent relationship and still do with their children

[@jleano609]

This is what I know. My first serious LTR ended with the girl cheating. It came out of the blue at the time, though looking back the warning signs were there. She never really committed to the relationship. I too was her first real BF, and in some ways I was just filling a slot for her so she could say she had someone to friends and family. For me, I just wanted a GF. My mother had died when I was 15. For a while I was emotionally blunted. A GF for me was the way to get over that. I put much more than I should have into that first relationship because I needed to feel something again and of course, first love is sticky-sweetly exciting. But rarely super-real. But that's how it goes. People make mistakes. I made plenty in that relationship. All you can do is LEARN. The lesson I had to learn was not to TRY so hard. Whoever SHE is, at the end of the day she's just a girl. She's not special, she's not unique so NEVER pedestalize her. Give her space, especially in the early stages and NEVER CHASE. If it doesn't work out, there'll be another one along soon if you keep your eyes open and have a social network to rely on. Do you have this? This is the most important thing you can cultivate in your life, not women, at least directly. A circle of strong friends. Male friends. YOUR TRIBE. Some of your friends will already have women. Those women have their own female friends, who tend to share values and are all attracted to the same sort of men. See where I'm going with this? Make your tribe around something physical in your life. For me it was Judo. Keeps me fit and lethal, as it does my training buddies. Iron sharpens Iron. Woman are attracted to that. A girl who was a friend of a judo buddy's GF was 30 years ago THIS VERY weekend. I met her at party we were all at. We had fun, shared a drunken kiss when I walked her home at the end of the night. And she asked for my number. I gave it to her. She called a few days later and a week later we slept with each other. I didn't chase her, I never really had to because the attraction was there on her part. I played it cool. Never chase, never ask for the commitment. That's her job. She's the woman, she needs that more than the man so that ask should always come from her side. Once you fully internalize that basic truth - your love life will be a lot easier. It's something that society lies to you about - that you have to "court" the girl. Religion teaches socially enforced monogamy and that it's the man's job to "secure" the woman by way of commitment or marriage proposal. Let me tell you - that's BS. Who benefits more from a committed relationship, the man or the woman? Who needs the security more? The Resources? The woman of course. So men, play it cool. Date the girl, f*ck the girl and stand pat. Pretty soon she'll be the one wondering where it's all going and she'll be asking you for more. That girl certainly did. She was the one who proposed marriage to me in fact. AS IT SHOULD BE. I said yes. 30 years later we're still married, and I've given her two kids and a great life along the way. I've been faithful to her because that was MY COMMITMENT to her if she held up her end of the bargain to be a wife worth committing to. Which she has. But at every stage, she's been the one ASKING for the relationship to FULFILL her emotional and biological needs. I've just retained my value and the ability to make myself her optimal choice. Again - relationships are WOMEN's WORK. Once you understand this, life is going to get a lot easier for you, Gentlemen.

[@marcmays48]

💯 this.

[@Rambz1]

Great video, I needed information about this topic. I recently went through a breakup and it involved the topics you discussed in this video. I struggled with anxious attachment later in the relationship as it became from prominent and my partner has had trauma in her life. And she did mention this "spark" and how it suddenly fizzled out. We were strong for awhile and then these behaviors/mindsets started to set in. You're right in how she probably craved these chaotic/anxious feelings that came from her past. I learned a lot from this video and trying to work on this theory. Thanks

[@alexhdz512]

What Courtney said at 11:11 is 100% accurate. My last girlfriend was always wanting to pick a fight, argue about the most random things, bring up old stuff that we both agreed that we fixed. I felt like my inner peace was always interrupted because of that. I knew it wasn’t normal. Months after I decided to walk away this is exactly what I thought. She had a rough childhood that seemed to be affecting her in a way and she was just too used to it. Despite ALL of her wonderful qualities all that anger simply just made it not worth it. I’ll just focus on better selecting the women I date and becoming better myself. Because I know I have my faults too

[@dominicancheif117]

Courtney you are the best! I just came from a short relationship that ended because of my anxious attachment style where I did everything you explained. It hurt me when it ended so quickly but this video helped me see my flaws, so I really mean this, thank you! 🙏

[@JrtheKing91]

Thank you, Courtney. Your videos have helped me on the path of loving myself more.

[@CourtneyRyan]

🥹 I’m so glad

[@mattxgill]

I’m definitely gonna check this book out. When I was younger I had an anxious attachment for sure, but as I’ve gotten older I definitely have an avoidant attachment style. I’m hoping this book helps me get out of that pattern

[@sprites75]

that's easy to talk about scarcity when you do not suffer from it. yes i was too attached and yes i've been alone since it broke am i better than i was 5 years ago? certainly. am i still absolutely invisible? hell yes i am!

[@Layerlol]

Honestly you shouldnt have to change who you are as a person regardless of how you react, If someone REALLY likes you, They will accept your way of how you express your emotions and WILL work on them with you, If someone cuts you off because of how you TRULY are than they dont deserve you, Im someone that gets clingy sometimes and never have I once had to change for people due to it, If that person WANTS you the same way you WANT him/her, He or she will accept you! and if something you do DOES bother them in anyway, They will address it and work on it with you rather than walk away from you, Now if they DO walk away from you than thats a CLEAR indication that he or she was NOT gonna be down to ride and die for you to begin with and that is pure facts to the bone rather people wanna hear it or not.

[@Robert_Westwood]

That's true. But the fact of the matter is that for someone to be with you, you require a lot more energy and devotion than most people have and are willing to give, especially in the early a phases of a relationship. I sincerely wish you the best and hopes that you will find someone who cares enough to work with you...

[@kicksalot9943]

Exactly “you will never be right, for the wrong person”

[@j.borchard2208]

I’ve had this in the past in my 30’s. It went away when I got Red Pilled and didn’t give a shit anymore when I knew she didn’t have genuine burning desire and I basically cut off all communication and moved on! I’ve since these last 5 years gone MIGTOW and my pocket book and wealth accumulation is far better off and am actually In a way better place. If I did decide to date again I’d only date women from Eastern European or SE Asian countries for a variety of reasons that I know most western women know fully well why!

[@JohnEdge]

Thank you Courtney, I've been watching your videos a couple days now. 8:00 really hit home. The following might be a sad story to most but ill own it 😞...I'm in a particular scenario 'dating relationship.' We met at work, flirted, talked everyday, had lunch together, now she left for a better job due to other employee drama etc. But we still kept dating as it was seperate from personal lives. But the distance between us is 45min now. It's a huge change for me personally, when you have such a distance between someone where as you went from seeing them everyday to you might see them once a week or two. So personally I've been hit hard with tendencies of clingyness mostly through texting. And I feel like i really have to secure a next date within a certain timeframe just to, in my mind, keep her interested. From texting everyday, and talking every night before we go to sleep, to now its every 8hrs inbetween messages, or 2-3 days before a single call. But in the back of my mind it's saying that 'oh i know she has time to see the texts or make call like we used to'. BUT i know the truth, since we don't work together anymore, we probably lost a lot to talk about and relate to. So it's now down to true attraction and making every date count 110%. I have one planned for this Wed coming up, so I'm sticking to my confidence and fate. If it takes me to loose this one to finally learn, it will be a hard learned lesson. Thank you for your videos again, I hope to learn more. And I especially hope others watching will self observe and approach with courtney's advice before hand. And you may just save a really great person from leaving you before it starts. 😢

[@levalas91]

This book and "The Five Love Languages" by Gary Chapman, I consider a must read, unironically and with all honesty. You can read the stoics, you can read Nietzsche, Freud, J.B. Peterson, C.G. Jung and Viktor Frankl. But, no matter how hard you try, all of this knowledge will never unveil the reasons for these strange moments when you think you speak the truth about your partners faults but it's just your fear of abandonment talking. You just never look inside yourself deep enough to see whats going on and then blame the other person, behave controlling or like a child. Read it or listen to it. It is a really simple book, not complicated, but just impactful if you are able to be honest with yourself. In my opinion, you would do yourself a huge favor. And if you feel like i am urging you to read it, thats because i have read it too late.

[@Soloeagle54]

I think I run into the opposite problem. I'm too emotionally guarded. It keeps me from connecting with people I like very smoothly.

[@deantethegiant]

Courtney is out here doin the LORD's work lol!!! This video was incredibly helpful and genuine. Thank you for the time and effort you put into this. You're a modern day superhero

[@eagles107]

Thk's for everything Courtney, really appreciated it.

[@MCReher]

I'm single because I CHOOSE TO BE !!! I like being alone and I like being a LONER. I will never be sold on the idea that all people are meant to live with someone, nor will I ever accept the premise that there is "somebody" for everybody.

[@F0RB166EN]

I really needed this, I am going through this Anxious Attachment phase. My friend told me that it will take time to fix everything but the way i was handling it was as if i was desperate to fix it right away. And also my other behaviors really indicates that I am going through this phase. Now that i know about it, I hope i can recollect myself.

[@Lordran__]

It’s not a phase. It’s with you your whole life unless you either get some serious therapy or as mentioned in the video, you date someone who is secure.

[@salmanisrar3772]

Used to have anxious attachment, it was soooooooooo tough, now I have secure attachment as I have done lots of healing for my CPTSD. Sending infinite compassion to fellow anxious types, I now it can be sooo hard.

[@omiunusamson9978]

Hey friend I got my relationship fixed back with the help of a man who brought my partner back in 48 hours after many years of separation.

[@alistaircorstorphine7469]

I am very happy in my life ( 47 and single for 8 years now) and my life has never been better :) I seriously couldn’t imagine myself dating anymore

[@nightfangs2910]

I have both this condition, as well as detachment disorder, hence why I have not been in a relationship in years, don't want to harm anyone emotionally for her or me

[@Fredddie192]

My biggest problem is that I overthink things to the point that it hurts me. It is some weird obssesive behaviour in my mind. My second problem is that im not really interested in people even though I want a partner. It's like "Hey! How's your day goin?" After that im bored. That also leads into thinking: If I don't try ill end up feeling lonley. It's all an evil cycle I can't get out of...

[@Lordran__]

I’m in the same boat!!

[@jarenlio8772]

In my younger days I was afriad to be single without a partner, but now I appreciate the decision I made to stay single, because now I know that the physical beauty of woman doesn't last and the chemicals of attraction fades with time.

[@aaronsaiz2498]

I love you Courtney this video was amazing

[@danadane2501]

I had to pause past the 11:00 minute mark to simply point out how correct this is. I have been rejected many times and for this very reason (I believe). "There's no spark, he's boring". However I am very secure, loyal, safe, protecting and will always stand up for the underdog on the day to day). I was raised with belief that these were admirable qualities (admittedly I'm flawed/ far from perfect) but it appears integrity is not considered appealing nor "sexy" in my lifetime. Thankfully there's much more to life than this one area.

[@brianpryor3374]

LADY C!! SHARPZ!!....CONGRATULATIONS 🥂💃🕺🎉🎈🎊 ON ENGAGEMENT!!!!

[@dillonc7955]

My last relationship gave me huge anxious attachment since I ended up catching her cheating. I've been getting better with it by investing time into my passions, my daily activities, and other things involving me. However I still tend to message out of anxiety sometimes and worry at times. It all takes time in the end though.

[@omiunusamson9978]

Hey friend I got my relationship fixed back with the help of a man who brought my partner back in 48 hours after many years of separation.

[@danadane2501]

I had to pause past the 11:00 minute mark to simply point out how correct this is. I have been rejected many times and for this very reason (I believe). "There's no spark, he's boring". However I am very secure, loyal, safe, protecting and will always stand up for the underdog on the day to day). I was raised with belief that these were admirable qualities (admittedly I'm flawed/ far from perfect) but it appears considered appealing nor "sexy" in my lifetime. Thankfully there's much more to life than this one area.

[@DallasSniper]

Hi, I have Anxiety Attachment. Thanks for helping me understand my issue with women when dating because you named a lot of the signs that I feel when I'm dating. It seems that my fault has caused women to lose interest and decide to not want to date me anymore, unfortunately.

[@omiunusamson9978]

Hey friend I got my relationship fixed back with the help of a man who brought my partner back in 48 hours after many years of separation.

[@TheVicariousone1]

Great video ty!

[@TRUTHaintHATING]

I needed this video. I was looking for a video that was talking about can you be obsessed or in love with someone you met for a weekend and this came up. And i got my answer. I need to work on myself still

[@Courtney-Alice-Gargani]

Putting your mind in overdrive can hurt you emotionally. Take a step back, take a few deep breaths and analyze your situation. We all are not perfect and have to accept that and not to expect our partner to be perfect either. Show this person love but don’t be needy and clingy. Don’t always think the worse. Find out what’s really going before overreacting.

[@LatimusChadimus]

That's what I was saying to somebody earlier about overthinking in that they need to learn acceptance for the way things are instead of trying to analyze everything as people aren't that predictable

[@Courtney-Alice-Gargani]

@@LatimusChadimus True

[@alexandermyrthue1987]

An important topic. I've read about it in my psychology class but didn't think about it in relation to dating and fortunately I don't have that problem myself

[@carlostrato754]

I‘m single, cause i can‘t attraced the type of woman i want. I‘m working on my looks, body, ressources and of course an ambundance mindset aka confidence. Keep ya head up and work hard

[@50shadesofcerakote]

OH MY GOD. I had to pause this video and reflect atleast10 times. This entire video felt so specific and aimed at me with my most recent relationship... Shes an avoidant type, Im an anxious... Im super introverted, so its hard for me to connect with people in a deep way as it is, and her and I just clicked immediately.. She pursued me, which Im very much not used too, she initiated just about every next step of the relationship, including saying she loved me first. She was the best and worst communicator Ive been with... This is so wild right now, Im fighting tears.. However, I never distrusted her, or thought she was out cheating, even though she has a bunch of guy friends, and was out just about every night doing something with her friends(guy and girl). But I always felt at peace when on the phone with her. Like I could breathe again...

[@PassRush49]

Great advice, Courtney. I've been guilty of most of those things in the past. Still learning. Thank you.

[@Lonstermash]

Try living in Los Angeles your entire life, and you'll see that scarcity is definitely a real thing, lol. I see it with the lack of compatible women (especially if you want someone who is good looking, childless, doesn't want kids, emotionally healthy, not a workaholic, and who shares core values and a decent amount of interests). And I see it from the dating woes of my many female friends who rarely meet good men. Great video Courtney! I think you're onto something with the anxious people dating secure people, because I'm very secure and often hear from women who tell me I have just about everything they want on paper that there were "no sparks." So they probably had an anxious attachment style and needed the chaos I couldn't provide

[@Kain5th]

I don’t know if you’ve done videos on the other styles but i feel they’re worth covering too. Especially a video on how to become secure.

[@thisismayankkeswani]

Please make a video on avoidant personality style also

[@peterbristow922]

So this was a discovery which I sorta half knew I had but didn’t know it was an actual thing, wow it’s almost like being called out a little. But I’m glad to know there are things you can do to combat this. I also really appreciate a lot of your other vids, helping me realise there’s a few things I need to change if I’m to be a better person and well… have a better dating life.

[@jessejames88]

Thanks, Courtney, for the video. Anxious attachment in my professional (and personal) experience often stems from trauma, and dealing with the trauma appropriately in the body (not just cognitively) often resolves the core issue and begins to help the person shift these patterns much faster than traditional psychotherapeutic approaches (think, "talk therapy"). BetterHelp may be supportive of some people, but the problem is that "mental health" itself, I believe, is a misnomer...and the brain and emotional (and spiritual) patterns people run are often physical patterning in the body. So, somatic approaches such as Dr. Peter Levine, Ph.D's Somatic Experiencing are typically more helpful (and less of a drain on your wallet). And, nutritional approaches and nutrient deficiencies also play a potentially massive role, as does someone's toxic load (neurotoxins that impact the brain and body can also play a role in affecting someone's relationship patterns and responses to stress - see the book, Nutrient Power by William Walsh). God bless and thanks again.

[@jessejames88]

Another book you might be interested to read is Dr. Bessel van der Kolk's The Body Keeps the Score.

[@friendly76]

Courtney I follow a lot of channels and you are one of the most helpful KZbinrs of all time 😊

[@terryteramotojr]

Definitely wish they taught this stuff in school.

[@aaronlang2764]

Just got out of an anxious avoidant trap, me being the anxious one. I'm normally secure but being with someone who pulled away as time went on brought up my anxiety for stability. I'm just now learning about this issue and it may have helped communicate better in the past.

[@leeklass3907]

Thanks for the advice in this video Courtney . I work with someone like thiis I speak to her romotely fortunately for me she is based at the big centre I will be working from later this year . Whilst I accept I'm not perfect but I'm working on it. I would prefer to date a woman who has friends, family, hobies , interests, ambition and a life of her own not expect me to be her life.

[@siafu87]

I wish I would have known this information in my 20s. I am glad you suggest going to therapy it really helped for me and I highly recommend it to anyone who has anxious attachment or any other personal issue. You're the best Courtney.

[@ryanriggs6090]

I definitely have struggled with anxious attachment through the rejection and mental health issues that I struggle. I have had some trouble being clingy on first dates here lately. I am seeing a therapist but it is definitely I need to work on this. I hope we can figure it out and what is causing my anxiety. Thank you so much Courtney. I have watched most of your videos and helping me more confident with women. It would be great to chat with you maybe invite your fiance to give a man's perspective on different topics. Just to make conscious choices to wait and let those negative thoughts pass by and come back to the present moment and channeling it in a positive way. Does this really need to be corrected before dating?

[@U4ia28]

It’s hard not to have this anxiety in the back of our minds about our S.O. or even a potential S.O. when we know that social media gives them access to alternate options that they can explore at all times and exercise once things don’t go as they want or they get bored. It’s arrogant to think that there’s nobody better off than you out in the world. The combination of hypergamy and social media/dating apps has all but destroyed my interest in dating/relationships.

[@Lordran__]

WELL SAID 💯%

[@CountLuciferLeviatha]

You mentioned the book attached, so early this morning (PST) I downloaded it on audible and it’s very interesting! Thanks for the recommendation and for the video as well!

[@CourtneyRyan]

Yay! Let me know what you think!

[@CountLuciferLeviatha]

@@CourtneyRyan I will! I follow you on IG so I’ll update you when I can. Congratulations again on the engagement!

[@circus3422]

I can't even find someone to get anxiously attached to.

[@tahlon8200]

Im actually going through this literally today so this video is really helpful, thank you Courtney!

[@omiunusamson9978]

Hey friend I got my relationship fixed back with the help of a man who brought my partner back in 48 hours after many years of separation.

[@squilly7]

My ex was like this, but I loved her and accepted for herself and she kept breaking up with me and I always wanted to help her and bring the best out of her, unfortunately I just couldn’t.

[@LatimusChadimus]

I guess that's why they say to get comfortable being alone so you have a chance to get to know yourself so that you don't have depend on others to assure you of who you are

[@ellisjackson3355]

I'm most likely to get the anxious type feeling in the beginning, but i resist giving in to demonstrating the traits. If the relationship goes on it eventually goes away

[@skullwarrior9023]

i am single for 36 years because i never achieved anything in my life.what i dreamt for, neither money, nor fame ,not the civil services career I wanted...most of my dream ruined by the diseases.from 20012 to 2020..and few percent because of the expectation from my short visioned parents... i wanted to be in relationship but i knew i will ruin her life and can not be able to fulfil the dream of my love or crush whatever is the appropriate word is suitable..🙂but i am happy i have recovered my ill health ..and trying to achieve what i failed in past years ...but still not thinking of getting in relationship..but listen your videos ..so that may be in near future i will be in relationship with some great beautiful intelligent girl.

[@jordidehesa0001]

Can you do a video on avoidant attachment, please? Thank you

[@whatdisd]

OK where are my psychologists at? Is it anxious attachment if every time a girl is nice to me I take it for attraction and then get scared that it probably isn't and then get sad? Or have I just answered my own question?