THIS Is the Avoidant’s Idea of A Perfect Relationship

[@Tmlatyoutube]

Everyone wants acceptance, support, and understanding, but Avoidants make no effort to reciprocate.

[@MilesIncognito]

Really? DA is guilty of many flaws, but I do not think demanding things of their partner is one of them. If anything I think they try to be too self-sufficient and don't communicate changes they would want from their partner.

[@rachelmel]

@@MilesIncognito your reply doesn't make sense with this comment, was it a mistake? Wrong thread?

[@MilesIncognito]

@@rachelmel no, I'm replying to the suggestion that Avoidants make no effort to reciprocate their partner's desire for acceptance. I don't think that's accurate & it's not something I've heard in these videos.

[@marinajones2309]

Being in a relationship with an avoidant is very hard work! Be prepared to be walking on eggshells forever. Having dated one, I can say first handedly you can never really relax. You have to be continuously watching your P's & Q's. Thats not a relationship- its a death sentence in my opinion constantly living in fear of upsetting them and then them running- thats not life . I loved my avoidant but I love myself more so decided to walk away. I'm sorry for the childhood trauma of which I'm a victim, too ( perhaps in a different way).The difference is I choose to heal so I didn't put innocent people through hell. My partner did not cause my trauma so why would I put them through so much pain. The answer is to go & heal before getting into relationships and ruining other people's lives & mental health.

[@kittykatsanchez]

That stress will definitely shorten your life

[@Joshneedsnature]

@@lizbaraj They're sharing their experience with avoidants. My own was similar too. There's a huge difference between someone who is healing from avoidance and someone who is never going to change. It takes work for anyone to heal from their attachment wounds, and someone who avoids all the necessities has an especially tough path to walk. Intimacy/connection/turning to your partner are all core qualities of a healthy relationship. Avoidant attachment is a huge speedbump to that. It's not impossible to fix, just very rare and challenging to do so unless that person is very intentional about it.

[@rachelmel]

@@lizbaraj it's fantastic for you that your relationship with an avoidant works well but I don't understand why you're here commenting on everyone's posts and putting them down (manipulative, they'd be better off without you, etc) when you have no idea what they've been through. You're not a therapist. Stop acting like you are. Most partners of avoidants also have trauma and pain you could extend empathy for. Go troll somewhere else.

[@kittykatsanchez]

@rachelmel clearly, a significant amount of us have dated avoidants who couldn't change

[@lizbaraj]

@@Joshneedsnature these comments and the pack mentality are tiresome and does not help anybody. Avoidants are human beings who deserve the same empathy we are asking for ourselves. Can you imagine how they feel when they read these ignorant comments? They are also here looking for help and deserve the same compassion instead of these ignorant loaded comments.

[@no-one-u-know]

"positive framing" is a good thing - but in order to take it to the degree some DAs need, it really seems like marketing-speak for "walking on eggshells" much of the time

[@lizbaraj]

The thing is, that if you feel like you are walking on eggshells when speaking positively while expressing your needs, well, that only exposes one more thing you need to work on, not the avoidant, because that un comfort you are feeling may be a projection of your own insecurities. So perhaps becoming self-aware could be step one to a better communication with an avoidant. With this said, there are Avoidants who will hear criticism even if you say “I feel x” because they will hear “you are not enough” and that’s ok. This shouldn’t make you feel like you are walking on egg shells because that’s a story you are telling yourself. The reality is that the avoidant has wounds that need to heal which have nothing to do with you.

[@marcd2743]

@@lizbaraj I think honestly it means you are in an incompatible relationship, whatever the reasons are.

[@marcd2743]

It's called living in a prison and volunteering to hit yourself in the forehead with a mallet. These videos are awesome and I owe a lot to Thais, but their real value is to realize you have some anxious healing to do and to be able to recognize an avoidant and bounce immediately.

[@lizbaraj]

@@marcd2743 this has nothing to do with being compatible. People need to stop making others responsible for their unresolved issues if they truly want to heal. Walking on eggshells mostly means that you can’t put or hold healthy boundaries or that you haven’t yet figured out how to show up for yourself. Hence, expect others behavior to change in order for you to feel secure or regulated.

[@marcd2743]

@@lizbaraj No, that's right. If you're in some stupid relationship that's all jacked up and it really sucks, you're in a bad relationship. Two people can just suck together and have nothing wrong with them.

[@IsabelSmith31]

I would like more content focused on inner work for anxious side experience. Less on outside in perspective on DA/avoidant leaning. I wanna know about Me I'm all about me lol My healing 💖

[@malaikalovee]

agreed

[@SK-no2pp]

Avoidants may engineer romantic pseudo-relationships in their lives that enable them go a long time without having to deal with the realities of real daily intimacy, conflict resolution, and the dangerous feelings of dependency this can incur. This pattern only entrenches their habits and prevents them from learning vital relationship skills. You feel you’re in a “relationship” but in real life, they are not physically present tending to you in times of sickness, attending events by your side, or even doing mundane chores next to you. The illusion of intimacy is created without real life. Like 2 ships passing in the night

[@myrafrancois6582]

Nailed it.

[@SnivelMom]

Exactly why a guy I know and me have not connected further.

[@katwoman8595]

This was my ex. He was a great seducer/romancer. Zero intimacy, self absorbed behavior. Didn’t don’t like being bothered with anything unless it’s on his terms

[@nander2024]

I couldn’t have said it any better myself. 💯

[@msscorpio14]

You said it so well. I believe my DA was genuine in his desire for relationship and connection; he just failed to want to do the work. I was willing to learn him but he was afraid of vulnerability. Thinking about it know I’m not sure he knows how to be happy. 😢😢

[@maybug88]

Heal, so you don't attract people like this. Period.

[@sharnamajor]

Yeah but they often set a high standard for a relationship in the beginning... then when it's reciprocated, it freaks them out and they feel like they are being tied down. It's not fair

[@P___999]

Not fair at all, and most DAs know they have this pattern. It's manipulation, often punctuated by narcissistic tendencies. They know which behaviors hurt people by the time they're adults; they just don't care.

[@LatinaLovePuppy]

Thank you not alot of people talk about this kind of person and how to deal with them.. Because yes i understand how people take things the wrong way and your not purposely trying to especially when you try and talk about how you feel to the person your with. And they take it the wrong way thinking that we think they are doing everything wrong when we dont think that. Just trying to voice our side of the story.

[@Adakataba]

Great video, A month ago, my five-year relationship came to an end. I really can't stop thinking about the love of my life, who made the decision to leave me. I've done everything in my power to win him back, but it's all in vain, and I can't imagine my life with anyone else. I genuinely miss him and just can't stop thinking about him, even though I've tried my hardest to stop thinking about him. I'm not sure why I'm saying this here.

[@Nancy2551-g6i]

It's hard to say goodbye to someone you love; I experienced this when my 12-year relationship ended. However, I couldn't just let him go; instead, I tried everything to win him back. Eventually, I turned to a spiritual counsellor for assistance, and he was able to help me win him back.

[@Adakataba]

Amazing, how did you get a spiritual counselor, and how do i reach him?

[@Nancy2551-g6i]

His name is Father Obah Eze, and he is a great spiritual counselor who can bring back your ex.

[@Nancy2551-g6i]

he is father obah eze, he has great powers, he can help you.

[@Adakataba]

Thank you for this valuable information, i just looked him up now online. impressive Wow I just looked Father Obah Eze on the net he’s very legit thanks once again ❤

[@alittlezZzen]

Am I trippin or do avoidants expect exactly the things they refuse to do for us?

[@julesD0222]

Bingo 💯 I agree with you

[@gatorssbm]

They do for the most part but the important take away its usually not in a malicious way, theyre just not used to a healthy connection and thats why I can have some compassion for their lack of modeling. That being said no one should pretend theyre okay for the sake of the avoidant, respect should be reciprocal.

[@777-h6n]

Or give you. It’s hard to understand 😂

[@777-h6n]

@@gatorssbm👌

[@lizbaraj]

@@alittlezZzen the thing is, Avoidants don’t expect anything from anybody. They only rely on themselves. But to heal, they do need the very things they can’t give because they don’t recognize these things. But isn’t this the same for every attachment style?

[@rachelmel]

DA's Needs: Acceptance--- except they'll judge and flaw find YOU and dismiss your pain, even when they cause it Support--- except they struggle expressing empathy, don't want to work through issues, and feel like they don't have to or want to help you with emotional problems. Understanding--- except they don't understand or consider why you're asking for simple basic needs and wants. Harmony---- except they wreak havoc on the relationship, your mental health, emotional safety, and self esteem. Maybe some shadow work is necessary before an AP or anyone else should be expected to provide these things while they fall completely apart due to the actions of their DA partner.

[@Nina-fv1mp]

So well said!!!

[@n1icole]

Yep!

[@toraxg.4170]

Sadly true 😢

[@daniellehaythorne7949]

Very well put

[@kittykatsanchez]

I don't understand what the point is of telling people how to accept less than what they actually want. Date someone secure after you've healed

[@SunshineAndSnowflakes]

I can see this. The DA who's been in my life for a while is so adorable when I compliment him. He smiles ear to ear and even gets a little shy which he is generally the opposite of. It's funny because we've kind of switched roles in the emotional vulnerability department. Now that I lean more secure, I'm just a little more stoic and in control of my emotions. I'm not closed off, just balanced. He feels more comfortable doing sweet little things and emotionally venting when he needs to. If you're in a hurry to find a partner and want marriage and children, a DA likely won't be a great fit unless you're secure and patient. But if you're just flowing and don't have time to invest in a relationship that requires a lot of time spent together because you have a busy life outside of the two of you, it could work. They can and do fall in love. It's just rare they find someone who accepts them without judgement and lets them move in their own DA way. If they feel accepted and the feelings are strong, they love very much. If you're used to or need more than they are capable of giving, that's where you might not be a long-term match.

[@sifublack192]

You hit the nail on the head. Being SA with DA leaning traits, I can attest to ask of this.

[@PatODonnell-gk9sx]

Totally agree! Once they feel safe and understood, they are the sweetest, most attentive partners

[@SK-no2pp]

@@PatODonnell-gk9sxyes but they still can be inconsistent. DA isn’t one size fits all

[@PatODonnell-gk9sx]

​@SK-no2pp mm they still need their time and space, but the more secure I became the less they pulled away

[@lucasbispo5611]

Sorry but no secure people will deal with an unware DA

[@BeatriceMcCall-tc8kf]

GLORY!!!'m favoured, $140K every 3weeks! And I am retired i can now give back to the locals in my community and also support God's work and the church. God bless America 🇺🇸 ❤️

[@LarryDon-hi4uu]

Hello, how do you achieve such biweekly returns? As a single parent i haven't been able to get my own house due to financial struggles, but my faith in God remains strong.

[@BeatriceMcCall-tc8kf]

I'm inspired. Please spill some sugar about the biweekly stuff you mentioned

[@BeatriceMcCall-tc8kf]

I raised 75k and Kate Elizabeth Becherer is to be thanked. I got myself my dream car 🚗 just last weekend, My journey with her started after my best friend came back from New York and saw me suffering in dept then told me about her and how to change my life through her.Kate Elizabeth Becherer is the kind of person one needs in his or her life! I got a home, a good wife, and a beautiful daughter. Note: this is not a promotion but me trying to make a point that no matter what happens, always have faith and keep living!

[@GraceSarah-se8ry]

This is a definition of God's unending provisions for his people. God remains faithful to his words. 🙏 I received this for my household

[@TinaMarie-zy8ys]

Wow 😱 I know her too Miss Kate Elizabeth Becherer is a remarkable individual who has brought immense positivity and inspiration into my life.

[@Adamdoev92]

The problem I've had is that when having dealt with a person who is more avoidant, when I did express needs I had by using I statements, they took it as criticism. I said, "When I don't hear from you for multiple days at a time, it makes me feel like I'm not valued, and it makes it harder for me to build a connection with you." So even expressing needs of communication, it can be taken as criticism. It's hard to make them feel safe and comfortable when you bring up the needs you have because then there is an expectation of them.

[@Ketobodybuilderajb]

Yeah, I statements are completely ineffective. Ive used curated statements from therapists and ended up getting instantly yelled at and straw manned to death.

[@PB-md3nt]

It really is a playbook. My ex did the same exact thing. I even TOLD HER that I wasn't criticizing her, or attacking her, yet she took anything I said about her actions bothering me as a "Vicious Attack" towards her. She would then turn on her favorite game show of the silent treatment followed by the breakup/makeup game. It drained me. I'm currently on day 68 of No Contact. She finally did reach out three days ago with a nonsensical bread crumbing text about a home remodeling project she's been working on.

[@EternalLove.1111]

either way ut fcuked since it will always be a one way relationship

[@Adamdoev92]

​@PB-md3nt it seems like a playbook that never works for every single person in the same way. The girl I was seeing was really sweet and caring. Never really got mad, but would suppress her feelings. She would take on everyone else's problems but never express her own. Then when it came to her actions, it seemed like she took it more personal when all I needed was to be met half way.

[@Metalphysicalpodcast]

Others' needs don't matter to them

[@IanRoyball128]

Thanks!

[@SK-no2pp]

There is a reason it is difficult for avoidants to fall in love. It's not possible to really fall in love while we're too busy protecting ourselves. Like turns into love through vulnerability - we start to deeply love people when we feel seen and heard by them - we feel able to show and be open about our true selves (at our best and worst). For avoidants this can involve admitting to our shame-filled avoidant desires, needs and pasts, and in doing so discovering they do not need to be a source for shame after all. Until we're willing to be vulnerable like this, we cannot truly love. When we instead become protective we ultimately become resentful because we don't feel seen, while simultaneously resenting attempts to see us we don't feel ready for, and partnerships become stale. Until we can rid ourselves of the shackles of shame to feel safe truly opening ourselves to another, the closest many avoidants get to feeling love is feelings of yearning or limerence that come from distance (emotional or physical) in a relationship - distance that often actually works against the long-term stability of that relationship.

[@brownell.landrum]

Thanks for the explanation. Now PLEASE can DAs STOP being in ANY relationship until they are ready not to HURT other people? Their complete lack of empathy for what they do to others is inexcusable.

[@SK-no2pp]

@@brownell.landrum avoidance is a spectrum. Some are self aware and are willing to do the healing within the context of a relationship as triggers come up. However, I find that most DAs would rather avoid healing 🥲 because it’s tough and likely brings up their shame wound. Some aren’t even aware of how and why they operate. The rest of us can hold boundaries and spot that red flags and walk away

[@alexben6211]

😂😂😂😂​@@brownell.landrum can you imagine?/ having to get a License to Fall in love..all DAs would line up just because. Lol , Priceless..but I would pay to see such a Hit.😂😂😂😂

[@SunshineAndSnowflakes]

​@@brownell.landrumthe same can be said for anxious attachments. If they're not in control of their emotions, how can they successfully date? The truth is, most people have some sort of insecure attachment...even if they're secure sometimes there's a secondary attachment that seems to lie dormant until they're triggered. If we ALL waited until we were 100% secure before we dated, no one would ever date!! Lol

[@brownell.landrum]

@@SunshineAndSnowflakes I'm mostly referring to the CRUELTY from the dismissive. That stuff must STOP.

[@KayFlowidity]

7:00 👌👌👌

[@andreimozn2k]

The avoidant need to be treated very carefully, warm, etc by his/her partner just not to trigger her/him to shutdown and disapear from the relation for a while (and while they dissapear they tend to make it clear that is your fault not theirs). The issue is that all this effort that the partner has to do to not trigger the avoidant is only from his/her side. The avoidant does almost if not zero effort from his/her side. So reciprocity is totally unbalanced in such relations. It feels like you have to put a lot of effort just to keep the relation at a bare minimum level of connection with avoidant while on their side all the effort they do is mostly about them and their feilings/needs. Very frustrating I would say.

[@MilesIncognito]

I guess, from my side as a DA, I want it to feel like zero effort for my partner too. Really! I'm not trying to make an unfair bargain. If someone finds it a lot of effort to be with me, I don't think that's the right start to a relationship.

[@andreimozn2k]

@@MilesIncognito In the first part of the relation the avoidant and secure/anxious partners match perfectly until later on when the avoidant actually start to involve emotionally less and less over time..

[@MilesIncognito]

@@andreimozn2k I guess I am atypical, because I do hear that in the videos. But for me it's more like I'm trying to get to the "baggy sweatpants" stage of the relationship. So in those later stages it's true I'm "doing less" in many ways - don't we all show up as our best selves in the beginning, then relax into a more sustainable energy level? But also hopefully by then we know each other better so it's easier to just accept each other as we are.

[@kittykatsanchez]

Ok, but they're not that emotionally smart so if you say "hey id love if we could spend time together" they're not going to understand that they need to initiate spending time together more

[@refreshingtwist]

So much emotional volatility in these comments towards DA's. I don't feel that aggression at all. If you take the time to learn why a DA forms, that should lead you to have compassion. At least it has for me. Most people did not have an ideal upbringing, and it takes a LOT of conscious work to change. Not everyone is going to have the capability or even the personality to want to take in this information. Doesn't mean they are deserving of so much hatred. Try to find a way to understand others and accept them as they are. We are all on our own journey. You cannot control anyone else, but you can control your own reactions and actions. If videos about DA's trigger you, I'd suggest you do a lot more work on yourself. And then more work on understanding others.

[@rachelmel]

@@refreshingtwist I do feel this way. But the thing is, unless you've been in a long term relationship with one where nothing you do garners you the same treatment, it's nearly impossible to not let some resentment creep in.

[@refreshingtwist]

@rachelmel I understand that. I have been in a situationship with a DA for over 3 years now. But once I learned more about DA's, I can't even be angry about it. I get it now. So, I just let him be. He is on his own journey. I accept him for who he is. No need to try and change him or get upset about why he acts the way he acts. He does not have the desire to research things like this, or to put the work in to change. I have accepted that and no longer pour my energy into him wishing things were different. I woke up to the reality of the situation, I guess you could say.

[@simpleliving4205]

Then don't date others because clearly the avoidant knows he or she has a problem ... fix it even if it takes time it's better then tearing other peoples lives apart .

[@lizbaraj]

@@rachelmelI’ve been married to an avoidant for 20 years and have zero resentment towards him or myself because I am responsible for my choices and my feelings. To say that it is impossible to not grow resentment tells the story on you, not the avoidant, because it is a choice you are making based on your own insecurities and pattern thinking.

[@lizbaraj]

Well said. There are so many videos many confused “coaches” make about Avoidants where they portray them as pretty much bile individuals. There is a blond therapist (Hensen) that claims to specialize in relationships, who has even made videos on why “Avoidants are absolutely the worst” and she makes extremely uncompassionate statements about Avoidants, which I see being repeated by many. Also the contempt people show in these comments is something else.

[@mc2273CFU]

I genuinely don't understand what is meant by "acceptance." Every DA I've closely interacted with (my parents are DAs, my brother and his wife are DAs, I've had 2 close friends who are DA) have very painful behaviors that are patently unacceptable: each one has been very self-absorbed, critical, highly defensive with even the slightest, most gently worded criticism, conflict avoidant, and very, very unempathetic. I know Thais always says that we have to speak up for ourselves in these interactions, but by doing so, we are clearly saying to the DA that these key aspects of their current coping mechanisms ARE unacceptable. Because they are. Am I misunderstanding something?

[@SK-no2pp]

We teach others how to treat us by setting boundaries, specifying what is and isn't acceptable in a relationship. Establishing boundaries isn't about accepting someone else's maladaptive coping mechanisms, as those mechanisms don't define who they are.

[@nickus51]

Are you sure they are DAs? Those sound more narcissistic, they lack empathy. DAs generaly have empathy until they are triggered and go into "self protection" mode, which in itself is very hurtful towards others.

[@mc2273CFU]

@@nickus51 Thanks for this. They are definitely DAs and not narcissists. With the exception of my brother, who could show empathy occasionally, the rest of them just did not have the emotional bandwidth or emotional resources to put themselves in someone else's shoes, to consider how their actions affect others, or to show up when it mattered the most.

[@nickus51]

@@mc2273CFU Either way, they don't sound emotionally healthy people. Lack of empathy and not showing up for others when it matters the most are quite huge red flags.

[@mc2273CFU]

@@nickus51 I agree completely, and as I've healed, I put up hard boundaries around unhealed DAs. Nevertheless, I just find this idea of "acceptance" baffling when so much of what makes a DA a DA is deeply painful.

[@rohinidas6573]

Sometimes it feels difficult because it feels like while you’re trying your utmost to give them what they need, even if not successfully doing it all the time, you don’t see the same effort from their side to really understand or try to give you what you need. Instead you see them flaw finding and blaming quite a bit, and not giving you any of the appreciation or support or reassurance that you may need. Where do you draw the line between I’m not trying enough vs. I’m doing all the trying

[@IanRoyball128]

Hello Thais 😃 Have a good weekend? Uh oh.. What does he mean by that??? Have a good weekend?? What is he trying to say? Have a good weekend?? LOL ✨️ ❤️ Seriously though, Thais, Please, Have a beautiful weekend, my friend 🧡 Have a good weekend??? Seriously?? Is he insane??? Have a good weekend???!!!! What a weirdo

[@lafemmeprada8]

My ex DA held held all the cards. I don’t have the desire to date anymore. Being in my early 50s my ex DA was my last relationship. That was almost 4 years ago and our second time around. Funny how I never thought I would give up on finding love. Too many competing factors.

[@miami4005]

Avoid avoidants

[@AT-ol2yj]

3 years too late 😢

[@lizbaraj]

It almost seems like many people in the comments aren’t interested in learning much. Instead, it almost seems like they are looking for a way to validate their biases against Avoidants with the sole purpose of avoiding their own responsibility in the relationship, which is incredibly ironic. But here is what I find more problematic than anything else. Why do these people think it’s ok to cast all of these negative comments towards people who are struggling just as much? Do they even care about how they feel? Avoidants deserve just as much help as anyone else and making them to be the bad guys because we are incapable of taking responsibility is incredibly detrimental. If only people understood that the emotions we feel have everything to do with our thought patterns and nothing to do with Avoidants’ behaviors. The stories we tell ourselves are what is actually triggering us, but we will never be able to work on developing healthy coping mechanisms if we focus on blaming others.

[@pythonpatrol1110]

Or maybe they don't want to be held accountable for the behavior of other adults who have a responsibility to fix their own avoidance issues.

[@lizbaraj]

@@pythonpatrol1110 are you suggesting that they come to watch videos about Avoidants because they don’t want to be responsible for their behaviors? That doesn’t even make sense lol

[@pythonpatrol1110]

@@lizbaraj, none of these videos make sense because none of the videos talk about what the avoidant should be doing to fix the issues. It's always about everyone walking on eggshells around the avoidant.

[@lizbaraj]

@@pythonpatrol1110 It is pretty evident (from your comments) how deeply ignorant you are in this subject. You would need to want to become educated and actually do the work in order to have a meaningful conversation that’s worth anybody’s time. So good luck to you.

[@pythonpatrol1110]

​​@@lizbaraj, yours is the ignorant comment. I'm in the process of reconciling with my ex-girlfriend who has avoidance issues, so don't think I haven't seen the problems up close or that I never spiked my blood pressure over it. The difference between me and you is that I don't allow her to escape accountability the way you do with the DAs in your life.

[@anon660]

Seems like some people here like to knock down the DAs, but have you all considered the facts that all narcissists are Anxious Attachments? (Not all AAs are narcs, but all narcissists are AAs.) Given that choice, I’ll take my chances with a DA over an AA.

[@wendyharper2474]

This reaaaaaly helped soooooo much. Thank you very much

[@luketimewalker]

OOOOH I want to congratulate you Thais you never sounded CLEARER! I feel your voice is just ever so slightly higher piched and it flows beautifully. In fact the vocal fry that was preventing me & a few others from getting some bits here and there, might just come from lowering your voice beyond its natural range. For instance the ad segment in the end, sounds lower-pitched. Somehow without the strain to perk ears up, it REALLLY MAKES the listening + assimilating experience much smoother for us - for me, at any rate. Thanks! Lovely voice!

[@MilesIncognito]

I think you really nailed it in this video, and I hope more people give it a serious listen if they are trying to make a relationship with a DA work. Those key needs/wants: - Feeling accepted and appreciated - Being able to do our independent things - A peaceful home and harmonious relationship There's a lot of DA hate in the comments on these videos, but does that list really sound so wild and unreasonable? Honestly as a DA I feel like I'm asking for so little in a relationship, like I'm really trying to be easy to be with. But I left a 10 year marriage because an Anxious wife repeatedly did the opposite of those 3 things.

[@elias4716]

Those are reasonable things to ask for however in order to receive a person needs to give. It's called reciprocity, which is what most non avoidants want. Clear and effective communication about needs, wants and expectations. That's a great starting point. Having a peaceful and harmonious house is great, but not at the expense of lack of communication, avoidance, and passive aggressiveness.

[@RubyLine]

Expecting the partner to mind read their needs/feelings, or when they need space. Leaving the partner in the dark and forgetting about them because you don't feel like saying how much time they need. Stonewalling during and after conflicts because they'd rather avoid everything. Thinking that interdependence is a death sentence, just like being vulnerable. Dismissing the partner's needs/feelings, disrespecting their boundaries, taking neutral communication as criticism, shaming their partner for wanting the bare minimum in a relationship, expecting them to fulfill some of your needs while you tell them to cater to theirs, nitpicking them, not showing interest in who they are, focusing solely on what you need and want, etc. You can't expect someone to accommodate you if you would rather be without them. People can't and shouldn't always give while the other one consistently takes. How is that a healthy or equal relationship? It's one-sided for the other partner and feels like being used.

[@MilesIncognito]

@@elias4716 all fair points. I still think this video does a good job of representing what the DA wants from THEIR side of that reciprocity. Which, as you point out, is something they might not represent well themselves.

[@nannoreul]

Problem is that a lot of avoidants have less than savoury behaviours that aren’t okay at all in a relationship: ie, cheating, heavily criticizing/flaw finding, ghosting after vulnerability, stonewalling during any conflict. All distancing behaviours that make it kind of impossible to have a healthy relationship. You might be on the milder end if you don’t do these!

[@MilesIncognito]

@@nannoreul set cheating aside for a second, as we can probably agree that's just bad behavior regardless of attachment style. From the DA's perspective, you might be seeing distancing behaviors *in response* to what they perceived as a violation of those first three points. I especially feel there are unfair complaints about "stonewalling" when a DA is just trying to survive a brutally unpleasant experience of conflict in a relationship. For example, I used to just get up from arguments and go for a walk because it was too painful to stay there and keep feeling attacked.

[@luketimewalker]

Also, TAKEWAY GEM: "If these fears and wounds are AVOIDED" => the avoidant stops avoiding his/her feelings and therefore you ? This is going full circle... once you leave no stone unturned. Thanks & bravo again!

[@itspaulhaaanhh4657]

A lot of DA hate in these comments. As a DA I've dated all the other insecure attachment styles and have been hurt by all them as well in different ways. But I don't shit on them and say these blanket statements about how they all are. I like these as a guideline and resource to figure myself out and figure out other people. But it shouldnt be used as a definitive rule. Everybody is still and individual and should be treated as such.

[@SunshineAndSnowflakes]

I agree. It's so bizarre because I'm sure most of these people have had other relationships that didn't work out in the past aside from their DA ex. Why does the DA catch all the hate? I had an awful relationship with an AP yet I don't think poorly of every anxious person. I just don't date them. Some seem incapable of separating the individual from the attachment. It's like in some people's eyes every DA is like their ex. I don't get it.

[@ewoman3584]

The thing is al lot of avoidants are this way. You may not be but many are.

[@SunshineAndSnowflakes]

@@ewoman3584 a lot of anxious attachments are terrible partners too and push their avoidant to a breaking point hence why they leave. You know why the majority of comments are people hating on avoidants? Because anxious leaning folks have a hard time controlling their own emotions and taking accountability so these videos are a dumping ground for them. There's so much volatility in their words that it's no wonder their avoidant didn't want to stick around for that. You don't see as many avoidants in the comments complaining about their ex AP's because for one, they're looking to move on, not let the other person live in their head and then say hurtful things about them to strangers. And also, they have a calm and stoic mannerism about them. They're in control of their emotions unlike the thousands of exes on these threads. How does it possibly help to stay focused on an ex instead of bettering yourself and your own life? Avoidants have their issues, but we all have issues. People just need to stop picking partners out of emotion and focus more on compatibility.

[@atmodlee]

@@SunshineAndSnowflakesYou seem triggered. I see you posting across several comments attacking APs or anyone who speaks out about DA behavior. As a secure person, I wouldn’t think any comments criticizing the nature of DAs would set you off. It seems you’ve got more work to do.

[@jessicaacosta933]

I think the key piece that you're missing here is that most avoidants do exactly that and avoid, so you won't even find their comments in the comments section because most of them aren't here and are not trying to fix themselves. Anxious people by nature are on these videos because we want to fix things, we can't leave it alone. We are mostly aware there is a problem. Avoidants are not and if they are they mostly just want to avoid it. Chris Seiter has a channel on here about attachment theory. He coaches a lot of people but interestingly enough he keeps statistics on all of the people he coaches. At one point I remember him saying over 70% of his clients are anxiously attached. Very few of his clients less than 5% are avoidantly attached. I think this says something huge about who's trying to get help. It would also help explain the frustration of many anxious folks in these comments. Typically what happens is we are the ones getting help as we deal with an avoidant who refuses and just avoids.

[@Crackerbird2000]

Not gonna lie, I wanna avoid those brows

[@whizzdom6923]

I'm sorry I didn't hear a thing I was just fixated on them eyebrows was expecting one to start crawling away like a caterpillar.