This Is Why Autistics Struggle At Work

[@ChrisandDebby]

What challenges do you face (or have you faced) at work? Have you had any of the experiences we mentioned? Drop your thoughts, questions, and experiences in the comments ⤵

[@heidimj1380]

@@ChrisandDebby speaking up during Teams calls for any reason.

[@kensears5099]

About not noticing your colleague was waving at you, I really re-e-eally want to ask you a question and re-e-eally hope you can address this, because I haven't heard anyone do so yet on any "autism" channel. And to me it is... well: Such. A. THING. Like, forever. It's about prosopagnosia, but a bit opposite to the usual. This is what it is for me. I am quite clear that I suffer this. But the way it has manifested in my life is superficially opposite to the "norm." I don't really recognize people for sure, but (here it comes), I think I recognize EVERYBODY. It's like an overcompensation. I can barely make my daily supermarket run (on foot, in a city) without going through multiple panic moments as people walk my way, on the sidewalk, in the supermarket, and I think they are people I should know, their faces look so familiar. EVERYBODY'S face looks like SOMEBODY'S that I know... which also means that EVERYBODY'S face that I know looks like SOMEBODY'S that I don't. It can be totally insane making sometimes. I pass by acquaintances assuming they're somebody I don't know, then say hello to a perfect stranger. Talk about the opposite of "win-win"! (The only really "safe place" for me, walking in public, is that space created by fixing my eyes on the sidewalk in front of me, looking at nobody. That way, should anybody I REALLY know see me, well, the onus is on them to say hi.) Does anybody else suffer this symptom, this hyper-alertness to similarities and constantly mistaking strangers for people you know? This isn't age, it's not onset Alzheimers, I've had this All. My. Life. My family moved every 2-3 years when I was growing up, and I recall imagining, and taking it very near seriously, after we'd moved to Ohio when I was 14, that it must be in reality the whole world was nothing but a small cast of actors who moved around with us and took on new roles, like The Truman Show. I even tested it by muttering the name of a boy I had known in New Jersey to see if this boy in Ohio would give himself away. He didn't. He was too smart for me. 😏

[@paulveenvliet9130]

@@kensears5099 this is called face-blindness and many of us have it. Being unable to recognise a familiar person, especially in a (somewhat) different context. Like working together with someone all day and then not recognising him or her in the supermarket after work. Happens ALL THE TIME. But this is definitely something that needs to be explained to most neurotypicals. And then, guess what, they usually reply that they also had this happening once or twice in their life. As a way out, I sometimes try to remember specific features of someone's face like the shape of someone's nose or a mole on a particular place. This works wonders when i watch a movie so I can separate the actors. But in real life, it can mean that I stare at that feature and people think I am rude, because I stare at their face for no obvious reason ... (For some of us, not liking to look someone in the eyes can also complicate remembering someone's face: you then simply don't ever get a good look at them. But this is not my problem. I think eyes are beautiful, especially when they belong to a pretty girl. And then I find it difficult to look away from them LOL).

[@BulbaTube]

all of the above haha

[@kensears5099]

@@paulveenvliet9130 Very helpful, thank you!

[@sanetvanart]

They call one argumentative when one asks questions to understand or clarify their double speak

[@Lari-lc3zq]

THE NUMBER OF TIMES THIS HAS HAPPENED TO ME OMG

[@2020KJ]

Sometimes they respond less defensively if you frame it as "May I ask a clarifying question?" But my work also has to remind leaders that questions can help avoid mistakes, and they should prefer to answer a question than have someone assume and do it wrong.

[@bugsybrown1745]

Right? The very nature of double speak is it's used to manipulate someone or divert from facts, so trying to clarify it is kind of like saying, 'hey, I don't buy this nonsense you're selling'. 😂

[@PTV69420]

This is also how the Socratic method works to help foster critical thinking, you ask questions.

[@CricketGirrl]

Right?!

[@heidimj1380]

This subject encompasses so much of my stress. I just can't express how difficult working is, but I have no choice but to keep trying to make it work. I'm exhausted. No energy left to look for a new career, literally. If I do stop working, life will fall apart.

[@ChrisandDebby]

Definitely can understand that - and here's to hoping more employers and colleagues will understand the challenges that come all the time with working with other people in largely non-autistic contexts. It's like being in another culture, and the reality is that most non-autistic people just expect that autistic people will always adapt. Many of us high maskers do, but it comes at a price. And that price is often our energy, as well as our mental and physical health. But some workplaces and jobs will be harder than others - do you mind me asking, what do you do for work? Wondering if there's any adjustments that could be made to help, especially if you're really, really exhausted now. You also need to be on the lookout for possible burnout - so hard when you need to keep working but also are experiencing everything so much worse because of burnout

[@aethanix1819]

Hi and hello from Denmark. I wiss you all best . Have you told your kollegs about your aurtism

[@apexazimuth]

This. 100% this. I just took a long period of medical leave from work because I was spinning out dangerously. I’m back now and just two weeks later I feel like I’m on a fast track to fatal burnout.

[@heidimj1380]

@apexazimuth Man I'm so sorry, but I am with you all the way. My leave was in the Spring and Summer and I'm back in the wrong direction again. I'm expected to be "better", but it will never change. I told my psych yesterday that I need different support, extra support, and literal support. I need the actual presence of others, understanding people, to help me with this. She put me in touch with an in person support group which is what I think I need. It will help my brain actually see that right here in front of me are real human beings who "know". Otherwise I'd smile on camera Brady Bunch style out of habit, then not feel much different afterwards. Human touch, interaction (as much as tolerable) I think might help.

[@heidimj1380]

@@ChrisandDebby Its the last job for an autistic person. I'm a recruiter. I wear the mask of the company's cheerleader. I don't know how I landed here but it's killing me. I hate talking to people, but it's my job...and I feel like my life hangs on my paycheck. I'm the square peg on my team, the "quiet, sensitive one who cries a lot". When I'm off work, I don't want to do anything, and I have so much at home that I need to take care of (by myself). I physically, emotionally, just can't do it for much longer.

[@boriswilsoncreations]

This video has: - Numbered topics - Real life examples - A recap of what was presented This video format is perfect for me as an AuDHD individual. Thank you!

[@SithApprenticeTV]

Interacting with everyone at work makes me feel like I'm an alien among humans.

[@paulveenvliet9130]

nope: you are the human amongst aliens. Sometimes it helps to turn it around. Neurotypicals should start to be as clear and precise in communication as we are, and the whole world would be easier to navigate, including for them.

[@Lari-lc3zq]

I was recently told, by someone I’ve been open about my (probable) autism with and have worked with for 15+ years: “You’re so good at your job, Lari, if you could just figure out the people stuff you’d never struggle to find work” I was just like…. I give up 🤦🏼 And now I’m not working in that field any more. Instead I am working in an ACTUAL field, with horses, who do not give a fuck what my face looks like.

[@heidimj1380]

@@Lari-lc3zq Working with horses sounds AMAZING. 🥰

[@ef2247]

Now you get to ask the horses at work, “why the long face?”

[@Lari-lc3zq]

@@ef2247 HAHAHAHAHAHA and they won't think I'm being "rude"

[@Lari-lc3zq]

@@heidimj1380 To be fair they are my OWN horses and my work is cleaning up my parents' property but yes, I do love it! Much better than being in an office all day!

[@lisasophierb735]

If only I had been a horse 😉 I got that "long face" commentary so often!!@@ef2247

[@kevinbrady4873]

I got my 1st write up in 3 years a week ago, for exactly what you mentioned here and I don't even have it diagnosed yet officially. I'm 63, been going to shrinks etc. for 30 + years with no real improvement until I was finally diagnosed with ADHD 6 months ago and it's been hell getting meds right and the same week I started on the newest med and had a breakthrough I've been written up and threatened with termination, and I still have to find another doctor about autism. When I was growing up autistic behavior, like the things you said , I did and that got the shit slapped out of you which is a great reason to learn to mask quickly. But now I'm old and I get too tired to mask, it seems to be worse actually. It's become a real clusterfuck

[@mariamurphy4551]

Exactly!! Too old to mask and too old to care now. People think we’re a weirdo anyway so why put added pressure on ourselves. Total clusterfuck. I’m focused on getting through each day without licking the windows…that’s a successful day 🙌🏽

[@noelleeanne]

@kevinbrady4873 😥💔 I really hope things turn around for you soon. Sending best wishes. ❤️‍🩹

[@kevinbrady4873]

@@mariamurphy4551 licking the windows...now that's funny

[@TheNeuroconvergence]

When you say plainly what you mean with no subtext, but they're convinced you secretly meant something negative. It's real. And, hoo boy, the "thinking" face being taken as an angry face.

[@azazellon]

"You look bored/tired" I am tired. But that's just how I look. So like, thanks.

[@Daily_Bread84]

I was shocked when a coworker said I was stuck up because of how my face looks and that I am quite reserved.

[@RS474]

Maybe they are on the spectrum too! 😂

[@marilynshivers1989]

This applies to every conversation for us. I’m retired and this still applies.

[@march8482]

Retired with the emphasis on tired 😅

[@carlawilliams6730]

I worked in HR for a local government position, and one time I knew I was right about a law we weren't following, which also happened to personally affect me (hello- research!!!) and I was trying to express it to my boss, and she said that I was wrong and I was just being argumentative, and I'm thinking "fine, if you want to have a lawsuit, cool!!!" I have such a hard time letting go of something if I know, beyond a shadow of a doubt, that I am right. It feels so inefficient and stupid to me.

[@KellyRVaden]

Same. It's gotten me into SO much trouble, especially with narcissists (like my last boss).

[@MiljaHahto]

I remember a less serious case, in high school when we argued about what "2x more means, as a math excercise had included it in written task description. I was told that "just give up already and accept you're wrong ". 10 minutes later we're in class and teacher informs us that my interpretation was correct, almost all the class was wrong...

[@2bfrank657]

​@@MiljaHahtoso a total of three times as much?

[@bryanjurish5433]

some more for the "labelled as difficult" drawer: "talking too much" (info-dumping), "being disrespectful" (rude, blunt), providing "too many details"/"too much information" (attempted due diligence), being told to "simplify" (dumb it down / lie). current (un) favorite: "don't think too much about it" 😳

[@brendamattox7558]

I'm retired now but I hated having to be in a workplace, especially dealing with the public, which all my jobs involved. I was so glad to later work from home as a free-lance artist, my true calling. Now realizing I'm autistic, I understand why it was so painful.

[@tammyfisher7777]

This video is so relatable and ironically enough I just got fired from my job yesterday. I have both autism and ADHD and was constantly picked on at the place where I worked. I finally spoke up and told my boss that I have been picked on for a long while there and she said that its not valid. She said me saying it is not valid. I have been feeling a lot of different emotions about losing my job. One of the things I feel is relief because it was so bad there and I hope its okay to feel that. I mean I'm not happy I got fired but I am so physically and mentally tired and really need a break. I have been burned out for a long time now. I really should have just put in my 2 weeks notice and quit but I didn't. About facial expressions, I always thought I just have resting bitch face but what you said in the video makes so much sense. So now I'm trying to figure out what's next for me. I will be okay.

[@bugsybrown1745]

you will be ok ❤‍🩹

[@chloejohnson6861]

You will be okay. I'm the queen of getting fired. I applied to work in an Amazon warehouse: they will take anyone and the pay is pretty good. I think FedEx and UPS are similar. The main thing I'm upset with Amazon about right now is that they changed my schedule, but I could have quit sooner than this and avoided this.

[@theresaduffy8222]

Same, I am struggling to find a job

[@decweez]

Don't forget to take advantage of unemployment insurance if available to you. It's designed to help you during this transition and is a benefit you've earned

[@Authentistic-ism]

I've also gotten fired for a "not a good fit" after two weeks when the only thing I can identify I did that was unusual, was asking a lot of questions. I got the sense that nobody had time to answer the questions, but nobody was training me or giving me any work to do either and my mind was bored. I was asked to study the manuals and when I was finished to ask my desk mate with questions, so I did, but she was busy, but I hadn't been given instructions on how to fill time without work or questions. They told me it usually takes a week or two to study the written materials but I had done it within two days and this seemed to make them angry. I had my nose in the books for 2 days but when I ran out of training material to study, I began interacting with my desk mates and this was when I got the sense that I was supposed to wait for them to not be busy and train me in person. But they seemed angry that I was raring to go and have something to learn or work on. They got rid of me before anyone even came up with something for me to do. It made no sense. The only other mistake I made was a misunderstanding about the shoes in the dress code because they used fancy words for shoe types that I didn't know about and wore shoes that were too casual one day.

[@somuchtoknow1950]

Yes, people don't like it when you make them look bad by doing your work efficiently and quickly. That whole filling up the time till the end of day, trying to look busy, was mind-numbing. I tried waitressing once, in a tiny restaurant run by disciples of a guru (ah, the early '70s). The b**** in charge told me not not wear jeans, so the next day I wore my best pair of corduroy pants. She reamed me out because she meant for me to wear skirts. Now that's not what she said, was it??? I had taken the job because I naively believed that disciples of gurus would be kinder that usual. How wrong I was...

[@Saltivasaltiva]

confrontation sucks as does anticipation of possible confrontation not to mention social stress- how do i look - too much eye contact, too much smile or frown, twitchy eyelid etc "we need to have a talk" from a superior is a phrase i hate, especially if it's not dealt with immediately

[@Roseforthethorns]

This is basically an immediate panic attack for me

[@bugsybrown1745]

Let's take this offline ☠

[@march8482]

Don't be too self conscious. If you think about what you say or how to act, you are gonna act unnatural and/or uncomfortable. This will create a negative feedback loop where it only gets worse.

[@glapistola]

People always called me "wierdo" or "little crazy girl". I couldn't stay much longer working in big companies with a lot of people. Despite I was extremely competent in what I was doing, interacting with people (it means " gossiping") seemed to always be more important than doing my job! Unbelievable!!! That's why I still don't like people at all.... Oh, God....

[@sanetvanart]

The moment i have shared i am Autistic then the people became super judgemental and hostile and worse to try get along with.

[@aethanix1819]

It should be the other way around,,, more kindness

[@karenpowers2225]

I've often wondered if that was the case more often than not. I have noticed that some people seem to be drawn to a reaction of being upset with a person for being "different" or "disabled" and their lack of compassion and/or decision to harm who they now deem "the weakest link" can be quite ridiculous! I've met a number of people on the spectrum who are absolutely brilliant and truly have no malice towards others but it's seemingly so misunderstood. I think education is the key for bridging the neurotypical world with the neurodiverse world. If HR understand and schools understand then they can promote seeing the positive. Thanks for sharing your view!

[@ruthhorowitz7625]

I've mostly had the opposite reaction

[@karenpowers2225]

@@ruthhorowitz7625 Sounds like a true blessing! Encouraging that some places show kindness and acceptance. 🙂

[@glapistola]

Wow! The same happened to me! Keep being yourself, dear! We deserve to be ourselves!!! ❤

[@Morbazan125]

Ahh the facial expressions thing. Soooooooo many people tell me to cheer up. I’ve tested it before and looked at myself in a mirror when I think I look happy but the reality is I’m stone faced😂 it’s quite scary

[@spudmadethis]

As someone who’s got autism and cPTSD I have to read between the lines because most (seemingly mostly NT) people expect you to, to understand nuance that’s never spoken of and I’m hyper vigilant of upsetting anyone, but I suddenly realised after I had accepted the autism, I’d learnt how to read body language and facial expressions from books I read in the school library in the 80s and that their contents didn’t allow for neurodivergence or trauma or nuance so most of the information was bunk. It’s like when you find out the stuff you’ve been taught at school is often very over simplified and therefore fundamentally wrong, but you’ve been running on that info as concrete. Made me wanna isolate even more until I can trust whatever metric I can create to try to stay out of trouble is in place and effective. But I haven’t found any resource that can help me rebuild that framework.

[@SaraMellor-j5q]

This couldn't have come at a better time. I got yelled at this morning for clarifying, asking a question at this morning. Thanks for being comical and very accurate in your videos Chris.

[@samsam2727]

This video validated that it wont really get better (in the workplace, at least) haha. Lately, I've been leaning into the "weird" things others perceive I do. I'll avoid the morning small talk by directly putting on my headset, cover the bright lights around my work area, decline social gatherings or lunches. I can see people think I'm in a "mood" or anti-social, but it saves me so much energy that I really don't care that much. Especially since I wouldn't consider any of these people my friends.

[@TheGavric]

Unrelated to the video, but something I need an autistic perspective on. I find I cannot relax and regulate at night because I feel the impending weight of having to go to work, life requirements, etc. It feels like I'm trapped in a room and the ceiling is coming down to crush me. I stay dysregulated 24 hours a day. My therapist is trying to help, but doesn't really understand. I've tried meditation techniques, mindfulness, and breathing. It helps call me down to some extent, but re-engaging with the source of this feeling just ratchets it back to maximum levels. I find myself at work, getting little to nothing done, because as soon as I try to focus on it, I'm dysregulated and shutting down again. Then I have to take 15 minutes to breathe, stare at grass, leave my office, etc. Even after work, I feel suffocated by this emotional state because I know I'll have to go back to work tomorrow, or after the weekend. I can't find peace. As a clarification, this is not rumination. It's not the active thought, "I have to go to work tomorrow," or, "The kitchen needs to be cleaned," or, "The bills are coming due." It's not some constant worry or mantra. It's a pervasive feeling of doom that I can't just, "let go". Does anyone else experience this? Have any advice?

[@ellebeaux]

Are you also ADHD? If not, I wonder if you’re experiencing Autistic burnout. 🩶

[@ThisisPam]

Yes. I ended up resigning from my teaching job after years of trying to deal with this, until I was in a constant state of flight or fight, barely hanging on. I needed to have that job totally off the table so I could relax, and am now trying work from home.

[@TheGavric]

@@ellebeaux I am definitely burned out. I am stuggling to soldier through it, but I still have to go to work to afford to live. I made a poor career choice, and my job is not autism-friendly; with or without accommodations. My world is a Catch-22. To my knowledge I do not have any flavor of Attention Deficit. I've never been speciically tested for it, but I don't tick a lot of the ADD/HD boxes that aren't co-morbid with autism. I do have issues with Demand Avoidance.

[@TheGavric]

@@ThisisPam My therapist has been trying to help me get out from under this job. He has expressed, repeatedly, that I don't have to have *this* job. The disconnect seems to be with the idea that I have the cognitive function or energy to do any job right now, much less go job searching. Also, I require a specific income to maintain my dwelling and self-care. I've already cut out everything but the necessities, and a low-end job isn't going to cut it. My lease is through April of 2025. I don't have a good alternative for housing, and moving...might as well ask someone in traction to relocate themselves to a new hospital room. It takes everything I've got to get out of bed, walk the dog, and be present in the world. I spend a lot of time just staring at walls or feeling that fight/flight panic you were talking about. I can't engage in my special interests for various reasons, and I can't calm down. Meltdowns and shutdowns are common. My therapist says I should go to my PCP and see about anxiety meds. I don't have a PCP. Now we're talking about researching doctors on my insurance plan, making an appointment, coordinating the appointment... Everything is too much, and I just want to lie down and stop.

[@crowkraehenfrau2604]

There are several content creators with helpful videos on autistic burnout. This one? Mom on the spectrum? Orion Kelly?

[@jeremyrobinson9082]

Thankfully, I work alone, in my home office, cloistered away like a mouse with a PC, but there are a LOT of people I email everyday, and I'm constantly afraid I'm being too direct. People not seeing my face is fantastic, but I definitely add more exclamation marks than my actual voice (or face) would convey. The biggest challenge for me is Zoom meetings. I've had MANY meetings with people excited to work with me just disappear after a Zoom, and I'm positive its my perceived lack of excitement and RAF (Resting Autistic Face) that's the cause, even though I AM excited, but either don't show it, do a bad job trying to look like an excited person should, or need to contain it because getting too excited leads to an adrenaline rush and lots of pain.

[@DonMarie-n3c]

I loved working from home. I'm fortunate that my supervisor didn't like videos for meetings, only to show other monitor screens. I've used the excuse (non work related) that my camera didn't work, but found that a lot of people don't use their cameras and felt more comfortable.

[@isabellaarcher8139]

I've been so burnt out with my work for at least a year. It leaves me overstimulated most days with the constant beeping from messages, pointless meetings, social interactions where I feel misunderstood... I just want to focus on one task at a time and I struggle to switch between tasks so it's exhausting. I have terrible social anxiety too and it gives me panic attacks having to do any sort of public speaking (even in a small group). All the eyes on me are too distracting. Similarly, if I'm given a verbal brief it takes me a while to process what they said and so I end up agreeing to something I didn't even fully understand! I hate that this world doesn't reward good work, but rather celebrates the most charismatic performers. It's stupid.

[@christinemiller1967]

I feel so seen after watching your videos. I always thought I was a problem child 😔

[@Tanryn]

I'm starting a new job in 2 weeks. I stated my ASD and ADHD Diagnosis in the application and talked about it in the interview. I'm excited and a little scared going into a new job unmasked. Now I'm thinking about sharing this video with my new boss.

[@carlawilliams6730]

I hardcore relate to all of these. One thing I would add, I use way too many words, because I want to be understood, and I love details, and I found unfortunately it backfires. Use less words well then, how do I explain to you this intricately complicated situation with less words???

[@AUDIS477]

My geez, how do you explain everything about me so easily, and how is it? I relate to everything that you’re saying.!!!

[@paulveenvliet9130]

yes, totally, this. I have one more: to me, communicating (talking to someone, including about mundane subjects) is something that completely occupies my brain. So is doing the work. I focus on any work task completely as well. So when I was asked to start working together with a colleague (for safety reasons), and I got a nice and chatty person as a co-worker, I started to do a double job. Chatting AND doing the job AT THE SAME TIME. This was a decade before my diagnosis. I had no clue that I had a problem. Everyone else did fine, so why wouldn't I? But the end result was a burnout that cost me years to recover from. And, oh yeah, I resigned because I knew I was self destructing in my job, but I had not the faintest idea why. This is how i lost my dream job, and only many years later, I connected the obvious and learned what really happened. Oh and saying to me that "the work is not in a hurry" without specifying an end date, simply means that I will never do it. Because there is always someone else that asks me to do something that IS in a hurry and that has a tight and clear deadline. I do not forget the "not in a hurry" thing, but just keep pushing it to a later moment because well, it is not in a hurry. Then, some weeks later, they wonder why the work is still not done and THINK that I forgot, when in fact I was getting increasingly anxious about not doing it, but still could not react differently than I did. This can include ridiculously small tasks that I finish in no time once I actually start doing them.

[@planetindiana5044]

Some email messages are hard for me to convey for my job without sounding rude or overly blunt despite copious amounts of time trying to reword them. Recently we have been given "Copilot" at work and the AI is very good at sugarcoating my short, blunt email messages by rewriting them into "friendlier" neurotypical versions with the same facts - you can even ask it to "say this in the style of Jimmy Kimmel" to add humor for example or "say this with fewer words" etc., wait a few seconds for AI to post the edits, then consider the wording changes being suggested in the final version. Having a way to quickly speak NT without all the heavy lifting I was doing before has been great.

[@somuchtoknow1950]

Wow, finally an actual use for AI for autists!

[@veglifehealth6217]

A million times YES!!! I actually started seeking out a diagnosis because of constant miscommunication with my boss! And all of these points are right on with my experience…I feel so justified and seen watching this video and want to share it with my therapists and everyone I know (would be great to show my boss, but it’ll almost make me MORE difficult because now I’m really saying I have these issues instead of being able to ”fix” them). The timing of this video was awesome, too, because I just got out of a meeting where I had a list of questions I needed to ask my boss for a project and we finished up with mine, then proceeded to spend another 50 minutes meeting to discuss unrelated questions he had - I was so burnt out after that long call and switching gears after getting my questions answered that I couldn’t even figure out what to work on, so I watched you, and it was great :) Such an informative and helpful video! Thanks!!!

[@anotheruser9876]

When you tell the boss that others aren't doing the things they need to be doing, you are being told off. When you don't do the things you need to be doing, others will tell the boss and you are being told off. Can't win in this society.

[@carlawilliams6730]

I was told I "scared" our clients (worked as a receptionist/scheduler for a counseling office, ironically!) I'd get frustrated doing pre-verification calls with insurance companies (with no training, having to learn and navigate that s***show on my own!) that involved being on hold, transferred multiple times, disconnected, etc etc, So they hired a nice calm, quiet young lady for a couple days a week to limit my interaction with/clients, decreasing my hours a bit (with option to do a day of work at home, yay!). Then, they finally moved me into a "back office" altogether, because I'm tense enough to affect the office vibe, and still "scaring" clients, giving the other receptionist another day of work. BUT I'm given increasedly more complicated responsibility and duties with the same (expected???) hours now that I'm not doing the other job. I've mentioned a few times that I'm going to need more hours to do the work and I never get a yes or no, so I don't know if that means that I can or not. I wonder why they keep me on it all if I'm that intense, and I realize it's because my attention to detail and follow through means we're getting less rejected claims. So more money is coming in. I'm a cash cow lol. Not making much for myself, but hide me far away from other people and I help bring in cash. I want to quit because it's beyond a challenge- I like to "finish" my tasks and there is seemingly no end to some of this insurance crap. And the lady who is in charge won't follow up so I can complete the jobs I'm assigned. I'm in my 50s (newly officially diagnosed) and have the strong work ethic of going until you can't anymore. So hard to proactively quit without another job lined up, but I'm considering it. But having a reason to get dressed for work and "peopling" and having a routine is good, too. If I quit, I will have to find a way to not hermit (which I DO love!) and not get stuck doing nothing "adult".

[@edwardallenthree]

"I thought it went without saying..." Is the phrase that still haunts me. It was the phrase used by my boss after I made the critical mistake of sharing too much with coworkers about my recent promotion. I didn't get in trouble, but this critique undermined my confidence, eventually leading me to return to my original role in the company.

[@karenpowers2225]

Very interesting and helpful content!!! I'm going to share this with some other people so they will have a better understanding and know they've got people rowing the same boat with them! Thank you for sharing this!!! 👍👍💯

[@lisasophierb735]

Volume and tone, facial expressions, all these things one has to watch for and regulate, on top of so many other things, it's exhausting

[@BulbaTube]

Implied meanings are the worst. UGH Just tell me exactly what and when and I will do it with excellence!

[@placeholder24678]

Every day is a struggle at work, especially during burnout, but I've got bills to pay. Made me smile when you said you would think, "What's your point?" I think that every time an NT says something to me without a clear relevant question.

[@blendpinexus1416]

my manager used to get mad at me about this. but when he sat me down to talk about it his face lit up like a christmas tree after my explanation of how i communicate. i am now the primary communications point for all the inter group communications and the others seem to have picked up on my blunt, direct, accurate communications. thank GOD he's well versed in the neurodivergence.

[@tudibelle]

Thank you very much for this excellent video. I have added it to a playlist I am sharing with senior managers at my work called ND videos for Allies.

[@jesuisdeanna]

This just happened to me yesterday. I work from home and my company has a management system that allows for assigning tasks. My boss sent me an instant message that sounded to me like they were complaining about something that is sort of routine and would fall under my job duties to take care of, but nothing else. After waiting a few minutes to see if more messages would come through with more information about why this was worth the complaint to me, I asked my wife, who is NT and does my same job but for another company, what I was supposed to do with that. She told me she was trying to get me to offer to do the task. I threw up my hands and said, "This is why autistic people quit jobs!" Why not just assign me the task? She explained that it might seem rude since she had given me a lot of taks already in the day. But it's literally her job to tell me to do this kind of thing and this thing is litereally written into my job description. So why would it be rude to add another task? Just tell me to do it and I'll do it. So confusing. My wife decodes A LOT of messages for me and I don't know how I'd do my job without her.

[@Char19432]

The extra special thing is, a blunt woman is also aggressive....ooooo. And I ask ALL the questions, and am almost always seeking real answers, and somehow that's aggressive too - but not as aggressive as telling people things. Oh, and if your volume goes up when you are really into explaining something... well, that's rather intimidating... /sigh I got congratulated once for my attitude improvement... I had totally checked out and was barely even present at work at all.. Which, I, of course, told my manager because he asked how I had managed to improve! Don't ask questions if you don't want answers people. Silver lining though: I had a coworker tell me a few months ago that I am awfully blunt, but it's also relaxing knowing she never needs to try to interpret what I mean :) She's mostly pretty clear too, which makes it even better. Your channel is awesome, I just found it, and I find it fascinating and heartbreaking. I, too, got diagnosed in my late 40s with ASD and ADHD - I went looking after managing to manifest epilepsy and having even less normal reactions to the drugs than normal, and even weirder cognitive side effects that I could explain very clearly. This is the first video that has really resonated with me, and I think I'm just not really masking a whole lot. I've been really lucky in my life, in my parents and in my career, and I'm realizing maybe even more lucky than I already knew.

[@crowkraehenfrau2604]

You make me happy I'm 65. Things don't bother me so much anymore.

[@crowkraehenfrau2604]

I experienced everything you said... But I have only 7 months of work left.

[@crowkraehenfrau2604]

And a lot of what happens is hilarious. 😅

[@womaninwood9177]

@@crowkraehenfrau2604 Tell us more!^^

[@chloejohnson6861]

I've decided I'm just a blue-collar kind of person. I've never had luck in office jobs, always get fired within the first few weeks or months. I'm tired of trying to figure out what those people want. I've worked in a warehouse for a few years and I'm looking for a better warehouse job, but I've realized that I didn't even pick up basic skills like forklift certification. So I've been working in a warehouse and apparently can't work in a warehouse! I'm also not that good at driving, so not confident with gaining forklift skills. I'm afraid I'm going to be stuck doing menial jobs until I die. I'm thinking of learning a trade that can lead to a high paying career. My completely wasted college degree was in journalism and I still kind of wish I could get (and keep) a writing job. High school let me down hard: I should have been tracked into trade classes, not college prep. I mean, I was a literal special ed kid! I hate the US school system. 😡😭🙄

[@sarahb.6475]

Many of us are great with animals, especially horses. Many this will give you some ideas?

[@ThisisPam]

Aw I missed the live. Really important conversation here. Work is a real issue for many autistic people, and the workplace conversations are key.

[@Daltoncast]

This video is the story of my life. I’m a software engineer. How many times have I been told “it needs to do x/y/z” and I would built it to spec, the be told “that’s not what I meant” but I go “but you said x/y/z” So now, just about every time I simply ask “when you say X, what do you mean exactly?” “Jordan, can you dumb that down?” (My head is like “can you smart it up?) …details matter. “Jordan you look angry!” (I’m thinking…oh, and I have RBF)

[@PGH0221]

Them: "It's not what you say, it's how you say it. Watch the tone - you're so sarcastic!" Me: ".......What tone? What attitude??? I...I'm not being sarcastic........I really meant what I said.........I didn't put any sarcasm in what I said!" But can I say any of this? No. Because then I'm being argumentative and not taking accountability........

[@gengarfluid]

I've started saying, "I'm not being sarcastic, but if you're committed to misinterpreting me, I can't stop you." It usually gets a frosty reception, but responding and making it known that you defended yourself sets a precedent for the future. That way, no one can say, "Well, why didn't you clarify you weren't being sarcastic?" And try to put you into another weird social trap!

[@CricketGirrl]

I tried so hard to work. I even got an MBA, with excellent grades, and advanced coursework in accounting. But you know what? Accountants are even more awful at communicating than we are! I hated my career. I only lasted about six months in full-time positions. The stress of trying to fit in at work was just too great. I should have been pulling in a good $65k/year by the time my career ended, but according to my tax records, the most I made in one year as an adult was $18,000. Pretty sad.

[@TheVerdantSorcerer]

I get asked why I'm angry, when I'm actually just enthusiastic about something, because apparently I'm loud, aggressive, forceful and agitated 🤨 At my last job the person responsible for checking my work, treated me like absolute crap for the first two months. When I told my manager, she went to find out what the issue was. Apparently I'd "blanked" her when she waved at me when I was at the shops. I never even saw the woman, but she'd constructed an entire scenario in her head in which I saw her, scowled and completely ignored her, based on my lack of response to her. People baffle me.

[@somuchtoknow1950]

NTs are SO baffling! Take things personally way too much of the time, and as you said, create paranoid delusions based on nothing. Grrr!

[@donnaml8776]

I agree with “in my head I’m saying, ‘just get to the point already.’” I feel like after your videos I could write a book on my own experiences. When I look back on my life I don’t think I was high masking. A lot of people were very angry with me.

[@TheRealTMar]

I relate to the exhausting commute very well. I work from home most days, but when I am at the office, I go by car. You can get to the office (other side of my city) by bus, but you HAVE to change buses at Utrecht Central Station! Long ago, there were so-called 'ring lines' which went around the city's centre and they were convenient to get to another part of town quickly. It's also a bit far on a bike, especially carrying a laptop on your back (I won't utilise bicycle hind-wheel bags because you can't pay attention to it while waiting for one of the zillion traffic lights along the way and someone could potentially knick your stuff). And basically the fastest way to get to work is by taking the motor way around the city as the direct route through the city has a zillion traffic lights. I took the bus once when I had someone in for my internet router or something in the morning and I figured the parking spots near the office would all be occupied. It took about an hour and ... PEOPLE!!! NOISE!!! GENERAL DISCOMFORT!! I arrived at work totally exhausted and vowed never to do this again. And I have to thank COVID for being able to work from home. Or wanting to give your input and people move on to other subjects so quickly. I'm like 'HEY, I also have stuff to say!'

[@MelanieDPerkins]

Do you know how many times I kept going to "like" this video when I strongly agreed with what you said? lol Unfortunately, I could only do it once (unless I kept clicking on and off the like, but I don't want to skew your stats! 😆) It also had me thinking about experiences where either I misinterpreted something, or others misinterpreted my responses. I know a lot of us have had repetitive and often "t" experiences. I've been in deep in therapy throughout my life and work on such things, but I'm curious how others process and work through the impact of those experiences. I know that is a very open-ended question, but genuinely curious and always seeking more tools. Also, thank you Chris and Debby, once again.

[@MelanieDPerkins]

I know the answer may just be that it is all part of that grieving process.

[@Morbazan125]

Conversations are just word associations for me and I’ve had some cracking changes of topic from what’s actually being talked about😂

[@crowkraehenfrau2604]

And that can be soooo much fun!

[@bryanjurish5433]

I love doing this ... but it seems to take even more energy to co-exist in 2 distinct states simultaneously (actually listening for real informational content vs. free-associating)

[@Morbazan125]

@@crowkraehenfrau2604 usually more so for me cos the other people have no idea what I’m on about😆

[@Morbazan125]

@ it can get crazy if there’s two of you who do it😂

[@miavos3610]

Before I realized I was a high functioning autistic person, I often told some colleagues they speak in 'code'. 😂😂😂 By the way, you're a GREAT guy ❤

[@Stormbrise]

I just take diction and do not pay attention to the conversation, until it slows down. This worked great as a secretary, but as I moved up… not so great. When I was expected to participate in a meeting, and I had that pause as I processed things. I so wanted a voice recorder when they were giving me verbal instructions. Or I would get that look when they’d describe something they wanted, and I was trying to process it from verbal to my visual thinking. Thanks Chris for another great video.

[@Authentistic-ism]

I've literally gotten fired for having the "wrong" facial expression too many times when I didn't even know anyone was looking and thought i was minding my own business, probably walking to a different location to do a task and passing people on the way. It's sad it happened to you too but I'm glad to hear it's not just women getting this treatment. We are expected to always have a full face of makeup, an "approachable" smile, and a soft voice. I have none of that.

[@breinfrog5879]

"my brain and face don't communicate well" me in a nutshell

[@walpolekidscomics879]

That conversation reenactment was great 😂

[@DamienClarke2438]

Not working now, I never quite got into mind hive that made it all make sense. Great video.

[@womaninwood9177]

Have been in a 9y relationship with someone who spoke in riddles and called me unfriendly when I was just honest and direct. I tried so hard to make it work. It even seemed as he would like for me to be anxious about not knowing what he was up to. Betrayal also played a huge part in the relationship. He also indirectly told me that I am not that important to him, but I couldn't understand the real meaning of the phrases he used to hint at it. At the end of this relationship I was a complete mess. 9 years gone. Now I have found someone who is thankful that I say what I mean and that I am honest. I don't know if I'm autistic at all, but I can relate so much to your experiences. Thank you for your videos! You are a great couple!

[@somuchtoknow1950]

You described a narcissist. It wasn't your fault.

[@ianig9]

The number of times I’ve had a boss tell me to smile more. Sigh. And people think I’m angry when I’m not. It can be tough out there.

[@deirdrestatham5730]

Heavens, yes! I once quit a job because I was called an idiot by the general manager when I asked for clarification on “Go clean the bathroom.” Just mop? Toilets? Door handles? Sinks? Mirror? Sanitize the dispensers? Refill paper products? What all do I actually “clean” at close in under 15 minutes? What is most important and in what order?!?!? The owner was shocked when he asked my reason for quitting and I said, “Because your manager is a bitch.” 🤣 Another job (7-Eleven) I kept getting grief for not being psychic about all the shift duties. Eventually I wrote down every last duty and the order to do it in during shift. I printed it out and taped it up. I quit shortly after that. They had it taped up until they closed the store. Haha

[@kathiebradley5881]

As a nurse, Ive been critisized a few times for my question asking just to clarify things. Pretty ridiculous as things are constantly changing and lives are literally affected. The communication difficulties is why I'm trying to find a remote job and even taking classes for medical coding to possibly leave nursing.

[@nirrieeva4239]

Another conflict I have experienced is when saying "No" For me when I say No, that is end of that subject matter But many assume I am either joking or can be convinced otherwise, thus thinking they won to have it their way. Then they are disappointed to see I didn't follow through their way.

[@flxmkr]

I’ve SAID this many times! But more about parenting, and I didn’t know it was an autistic thing. My parents would say things like “Don’t go far!”, “Stay around here!” “Stop talking so loud!”, “Speak up! I can’t hear you!”, and many more. “I want the dishes done by the time I get back!”…”when are you getting back?”…”Just have them done!” And they accused me of yelling, when I didn’t know I was yelling. So I was specific with my kids. I told them one time, “If you _____again, I will ____”. If they did it again, I did what I promised. My parents threatened to hang me up from the ceiling by my thumbs and I believed them. I thought they were literally climbing the walls in their room at night (they were making some kind of noise…that had to be it.) When we were out waiting in a line, I told one child to stand in “that square” and the other to stand in “that square”. As long as I was specific, they obeyed me (both were also autistic, but I did t know until they were adults. They were just like me, so I thought we were all normal. 🙂

[@somuchtoknow1950]

Yikes, so much of this also applies to interpersonal relationships outside the workplace. Recently, my husband said something to me, and then my face fell into RAF (Resting Autistic Face), and he felt hurt. Aaaah!

[@EaselDiva]

Such good information

[@saelyxdreaming7632]

I actually got diagnosed because this stuff keeps happening and overshadows my damn good work. Small example from today: I asked a concise and clear question about a process I did not have. I was answered as if I had asked about something totally different, as the other person had not taken the time to properly read my sentence. In reply, I politely explained that I understood what they were telling me, but that my question was about X thing. They answered. I thanked them. They then got angry and passive aggressive. What?????? This doesn't happen ever when communicating with someone else who is autistic or adhd at work. And I'm convinced if I could work somewhere that's mostly ND my stress levels would plummet and I wouldn't have to be scared of being fired all the time.

[@forestdweller3210]

The London nuts - I can totally relate to this level of distraction.

[@Greenand2]

I work for one of the largest software companies in the world - and it was a recently acquired by an even larger tech company. The transition to the new way of working has been awful in so many ways - but the layoffs have been the worst. Dealing with constant disruptions to routines, due to loss of people… ugh. And then having to be empathetic to coworkers who have been told they are part of the RIF… In the last round of layoffs, my manager (who’s usually great) put our entire team in a Zoom together and let the people being let go tell the rest of us that they had been laid off… mask up - pretend to be upset - pretend to be sad… and mostly I just wanted to pretend my internet dropped and leave the meeting. Horrible! Probably doesn’t help that my manager was a psychologist in her previous career and uses those tactics for neurotypical people on her team. Newsflash - it’s not a good fit for me, even though I know she means well.

[@olgaliseyko234]

Thank you! [soooo shyyyyyyyy]

[@WoohooliganComedy]

I wasn’t bothered by YoH, but I also didn’t find it especially memorable... but i think you're right about the reset ending

[@Valreg]

A recent frustration is telling my boss multiple times about difficulties getting some tasks done because of how it’s structured (and largely unrelated to 75+%of everything else I’m in charge of) and being basically ignored and told to do it anyways

[@D0zer122]

14:20 I do this so often when people speak in Vague…a language I am NOT good at. I asked a manager the same question repeatedly recently to establish my role on a project, and all that came out his mouth and fingertips was just sort of around the topic. This happened in an online meeting, I said ‘I get it..’, but found myself overthinking and rethinking my interpretation, then asked it in person in a meeting hoping for an explicit answer stating I’m still confused and I could see the annoyance. All I did then was just stick up my thumb. I guess promotions will pass me by if I can’t ‘just get it’s or be fluent in Vague.

[@marthabieber4020]

I don't know if I'm autistic but that many people think asking questions is offencive. That explaines some reactions from my former boss. But she was highley sensitive anyway. ... 🤔 I am fawning a lot so I'm usually not blunt at all. Always say everything is nice and fine. Thank you for the videos.

[@jukiepuffs806]

Once someone I knew waved at me somewhere I didn't expect to see them and I didn't recognise them because of my face blindness. So I stood there staring like a weirdo. By the time they walked away I realised who it was

[@TheeOldest]

Excellent!

[@BrainyBrunetteBarbie]

The brow furrowing is why I regularly get Botox. Otherwise everyone thinks I am mega pissed off. Lol

[@ruthhorowitz7625]

Don't ruin your health over that❤ you are too important.

[@gengarfluid]

I'm in retail, and customers have this awful habit of barraging me with questions while I'm trying to answer the first thing they brought up. They'll cut me off mid-response with a completely unrelated question, or ask one question and then add more increasingly hostile elaborations on the question each time i try to respond. It's plainly rude even for a neurotypical person! I'll stay quiet until they stop throwing questions at me, and then say I'll answer them one at a time - which makes them upset. Sometimes i think people just want to disparage cardboard cutouts rather than speak to people.

[@somuchtoknow1950]

I don't know if is an after-effect of the pandemic shutdown, but people just seem to be more hyper and rude and demanding and feeling entitled than ever before in my long-ish life.

[@gamineglass]

I was “disciplined” at my job for years for being rude or blunt and this was before I knew I was autistic. When I received my diagnosis, I asked for accommodations and got fired

[@crowkraehenfrau2604]

That sounds awful. Are you alright?

[@gamineglass]

@@crowkraehenfrau2604 Nope. Thanks for asking

[@dreamshooter90]

And this and so much more is why I'm a NEET.

[@donnaml8776]

Chris I just got the book “The Autistic Survival Guide to Therapy” 📕. While I really do like it I do wish that when she uses technical terms, or mental health terms, she would say what they mean. Sometimes I get confused as to what she is saying. Some words I’ve never heard of before. But all in all it is an interesting book. I’m only up to chapter 2 on Trauma.

[@ChrisandDebby]

Glad you got it! You’ll get used to some of the terms but I also had a hard time with that. The two of us had to research some, but I liked learning about these new things. So many were like “hey that’s me!” I found that it got easier (and more humorous and relatable) the further I got into it…which for me, was the style I like. Kind of similar to our videos too. Keep us updated on your thoughts as you keep reading 👍 😊

[@karlziethen6523]

This is my life at work: kzbin.info/www/bejne/q2mupWqch8ZljcU

[@AnABSOLUTEFeminine]

🎯

[@TheDREAD666]

My boss had a lengthy conversation with me about how i am perceived by my colleagues at our main firm. Apparently, I am quite arrogant. try to always be better than the others and only talk about work. Also, I am intimidating. The thing is: I just love to talk about things that interest me and what I can do, it has absolutely nothing to do with trying to be (viewed as) better than the others. And I often look without expression, that combined with my piercing eyes and thick eyebrows may seem to others as me trying to intimidate them (was told that before...). The good thing about the whole conversation: my boss now understands me better and even wants to speak on my behalf if something about my behavior comes up. On top of that, they offered me to pay a seminar to better my social skills, if I want to.

[@somuchtoknow1950]

A seminar so you can learn how to mask better? (sarcasm emoji)

[@TheDREAD666]

@somuchtoknow1950 Yeah... At that moment it was a nice gesture and I actually did not know much about masking at that time. Still, I am free to choose the topic of the seminar, so I will likely use it on a leadership seminar or similar (something I can put on my CV)

[@somuchtoknow1950]

@@TheDREAD666 Sorry, I was being a little snarky. It was a nice gesture, and sounds like you have a good plan

[@glapistola]

By the way, every time I watch your videos, I feel even more autistic. We're so alike that it creeps me out!! 😅

[@DonMarie-n3c]

But doesn't it feel good too? Like someone else gets it!

[@glapistola]

@@DonMarie-n3c yes! It really does!! ☺️

[@DonMarie-n3c]

Yeah, facial expressions - I'm not stupid or out of it, I'm listening. I am excited but DO NOT fist bump or high five me. You should smile more - only idiots smile all the time. After our Monday morning meetings I would email my supervisor with my list of things to do and ask for them to prioritize my list. This worked well with a couple that understood my directness.

[@Morbazan125]

Not specifically work related but I really struggle with sarcasm, because I take things literally and think people are saying what they mean, it’s caused so much awkwardness.

[@RRFTube]

Folks, please don't forget other people have challenges as well - The woman that thought you were upset with her because she waved at you from a distance and you didn't notice could easily have her own self esteem issues or other things going on. Not every awkward interaction you experience is your fault.

[@jennd9091]

Everything you say relates to me 100% so much so that i can't work now. I prefer being on my own now and avoid most people due to a painful stomach that's become like that due to years of major anxiety. Also those nuts in London are chesnuts?

[@bugsybrown1745]

I've been powering through a stressful work culture for over a decade, somehow, because part of me knows that there's a certain safety in seniority and I can get away with being my Autistic self more. I'm choosy about internal moves to different roles and do a tonne of research on the vibe of the team and the manager beforehand in addition to the actual work responsibilities. Even that has gotten me hostile reactions. Like, no, I don't want to just take on a secondment without enjoying what the actual project involves. I also don't want to be mentored by a known a**hole who sticks their fingers in people's faces and yells at them. I'm always polite when I decline, but why is it such a taboo to say 'no'?! I have to protect my energy levels at work, my mental health is in the balance!

[@markussmith5818]

youre really good at portraying yourself in front of the camera. have you been to acting school?

[@march8482]

He acts more normal than most normal people 😅

[@DonMarie-n3c]

He's relaxed, like he knows his audience 😉

[@KeithHarper]

preach!

[@CheesyTexaroni]

"Can you look at modifying this form when you have time so it looks nicer? There's no rush!" - a manager who has chosen violence

[@CS-rb4qi]

Unfortunately NTs are hard wired to feel anxiety when a time of voice is surprisingly harsh and a face looks stern and irritated. It’s involuntary and can be distressing. Especially women when talking with ASD men.

[@ncc-74656]

I've had all of the experiences and I'm now forbidden to step foot into the office until I can behave like a normal human being. The manual on how to behave like that normal human being was sold out I think, because I didn't get one. Does anyone here have a copy?

[@HopefullyUnoptimistic]

... ... ...Well. Huh. That's a cohesive summary of my entire work history, schooling, and previous friend groups. *sigh* I guess finding an actually competent mental health professional in a healthcare desert during a metaphorical drought has gone back to the top of the priority list. Misdiagnoses suck.

[@jukiepuffs806]

Also I'm going to assume the nuts are roasted chestnuts because that's the only nut I can think that we roast in UK at Christmas