Thou Shalt Not Test Me B*tch (1524)

#obscurevinyl #obscurerecords #strictlyvinyl #vinyl #vinylrip #nostalgia #music #classicvinyl #bardcore #tavernwave #neomedievalmusic
Hark, fair ladies and gentlefolk, gather ye near and hear a song from yesteryear. I present ye an hit single written and performed by Sir Bartholomew Jackson.
Lyrics
[Verse 1]
All thou dost is talk talk talk
But thou never listen (can ye hear me!)
Get thine a** back in the kitchen
And make me some chicken
[Turnaround]
Don't test me b*tch
(Don't test me b*tch)
[Verse 2]
My pimp hand is strong
And my patience is thin (so thin)
Quit all thy b*tchen,
Get back in the kitchen (I'm hungry)
[Turnaround]
Don't test me b*tch
(Don't test me b*tch)
[Chorus]
Thou shalt not test me b*tch
I will use my fist
I will smack thy lip
I will bust thy sh*t
[Bridge]
Talk back one more time (just one more time)
And this will be the scene of a crime
[Turnaround]
Try me b*tch, I dare thee
(Double dare thee b*tch)
[Verse 3]
My pimp hand is strong
And my patience is thin (so thin)
Quit all thy b*tchen
Get back in the kitchen (I'm hungry)
[Turnaround]
Don't test me b*tch
(Don't test me b*tch)
[Chorus]
Thou shalt not test me b*tch
I will use my fist
I will smack thy lip
I will bust thy sh*t
[Turnaround]
Don't test me b*tch
(Don't test me b*tch)
[Chorus]
Thou shalt not test me b*tch
I will use my fist
I will smack thy lip
I will bust thy sh*t
[Outro End]
Try me b*tch, I dare thee

[@TheBoy4Life]

"I will bust thy shit", yo I'm dead 💀💀

[@OrysB-po1fy]

Same 😂

[@greed94]

So is she!

[@AszkalonOfVerra]

We all know that the Reason this Video has so many Likes, is the fact that *KAREN's* exist. 😆🤣

[@CT-69141]

🚽🧻..... Back to action

[@wendellsmalls637]

bro i know. this song is now stuck in my head.

[@JohnnyWolfblood]

A knight named Slickback.

[@nigelmoore957]

And his squire called BacHann. He accompanies Sir Slickback wherever he goes.

[@burntgrahamcracker2866]

That’s what I said slickback. No no no you have to say the whole thing

[@nigelmoore957]

@@burntgrahamcracker2866 🤣🤣🤣🤣I knew that response would have rattled your armor😂😂😂Very well then A knight named Slickback.

[@heavymetalknight3728]

I heard that once, Sir A Knight named Slickback defeated a blonde witch that was terrorising the estate of a minor noble named Thomas Lancaster DuBois.

[@HunBaneTheBest]

​​@@heavymetalknight3728In the version of the story i heard, she was at two blackamoor youngling and their grandsires abode. I heard the old man was in league with the devil wench.

[@JH-le4sd]

The evolution to bardcore tracks is natural and just

[@Skyrilla]

BARDCORE? LMAO okay it has a name now, bardcore hahaha

[@popemon7608]

It is truly meet and right, so to do

[@KingZealotTactics]

@@Skyrilla Bardcore is an actual genre now.

[@geranarthy2309]

​@@KingZealotTactics as it should be. Dungeon synth also.

[@ashleybrooke2087]

Bardcore is one of the best things to have trended in 2020

[@robertmiles1603]

"He who pulleth this hande from this stone is rightwise born king of all Pimpland."

[@pan2990]

"the rightwise born Pimp of all lands" you mean.

[@JamieAllen1977]

or the lady in the lake simply held the sword till a hand so strong split her shit

[@RedPyramid-lf4sb]

Keepeth thy pimp hand strong.

[@ChrisAlford-i6e]

@@robertmiles1603 yet we must staycation our hand that we not damaged the lady's goods. Her tithings and sufferings are her good nature.

[@DooDoo-f4v]

Arthur Pimpdragon, heir apparent and King of Don't Come-to-my-Lot

[@JohnnyWolfblood]

"Men aren't chivalrous like they were back in the good ole days." *Men back in the good ole days:*

[@ChrisAlford-i6e]

She will be worthy. Lest I succumb to the crusades. What price for a soldier will you pay, my lady.

[@anthonyC9199]

Chivalry is kind of a form of grooming, no?

[@ChrisAlford-i6e]

@@anthonyC9199 grooming yes. I am grooming myself. I must become the best friend my horse will ever have. Tell me when I've become a simp.

[@Aprile1848]

Modern women don't get one thing: to be treated like a lady, you need to behave and look like one. Tavern wh0res weren't treated gently.

[@chosenone6702]

me now:

[@riffrage7285]

The pimp hand was strong during those times.

[@Pantheragem]

@@riffrage7285 It was more like a pimp gauntlet.

[@TwinMcQuerns]

The rule was to not beat your wife with a switch thicker than your thumb.

[@SomethingStupid-i7y]

😂😂😂😂 💀

[@haydn-db8z]

Verily.

[@genericnamehere7602]

And mailed...Or plated...Sometimes both.

[@inventgineer]

It's a rarely acknowledged yet fascinating historical fact that the strongest knights and warriors of this time period would often forego their weapons in the midst of a battle, and instead merely go berserk with their pimp hand, slapping MF's right and left back into a completely different era.

[@sixgunshauna3486]

That's where the term "Getting Medieval on thine ass" came from.

[@JonJacobs-o9y]

it is theorized that, during the bronze age, the first use of the pimp hand caused so much destruction that scholars believe it is the real cause of the collapse.

[@IanB.2022]

I mean, when nothing around you can reasonably and reliably hurt you, You can go ahead and make it personal.

[@siamihari8717]

Gotz of the Iron Fist. Dont want a smack from the man with a forearm made of steel

[@rosssouthwell8678]

Don't think so ur talking nonsense, they may have fought on if disarmed, a lead ball on a stick was a dangerous weapon should ur helmet get dented, u need to read king Stephen battle accounts 1145 ,later in 1640 the armor was musket ball proof if u could afford it , but once de horsed they could not get up and a stelito knife made short work of u ,letters of English revolution 1640 1649 , had written accounts, by the way u didn't usually kill a knight , many a young aristocrat got rich selling his hostage, only if u had a family name .it's was a way to get rich .

[@TheWorldsLastMilkman]

Not many people know this, but this piece was actually written to commemorate the end of the War of the Roses. Some contemporary scholars reported that this was sung aloud during the coronation of King Henry VII. The beatings continued uninterrupted until three mornings later.

[@derrickbartledoo2680]

As someone currently replaying DotR, this is hilarious.

[@SomethingStupid-i7y]

😂😂😂😂😂 on point with that one

[@JackofWhitechapel]

Three days later, moral improved.

[@Dryhten1801]

Poor Elizabeth

[@brandonwilliams5613]

Real chivalry right here.

[@observer.b_e_l_l_i_s]

Yessir

[@zerophoenix8312]

0:20 Bro whooped her with a morning star💀

[@hordelord4759]

She didn't get in the kitchen fast enough

[@memes4life990]

"Look, mate. You know what's got a lot of feelings? Folks that bludgeon their wives to death with a golf trophy!"

[@JamesGillmore-k3m]

😂 ikr

[@eastbow6053]

before or after the horse shish kebabed her xD

[@Ratio429]

Wait isn't morning star a flail and not a mace?

[@magmat0585]

"It is better to be feared than to be loved" - Pimpavelli

[@lorenzolavey]

Let them hate me, so long as they fear me. Oderint dum metuant

[@Corrupted-file]

😅 🤘🏼

[@AnonymousVenator]

Out of context but it does fit

[@tegathemenace]

​@@AnonymousVenator Machiavellianism is never out of context

[@asimplenobody7797]

To be fair, Machiavellianism says to be feared, but not hated. Because fear means nothing on the face of someone's spite.

[@gosple2]

I love how the pimp hand goes from being used on women to also being used on men. The pimp hand is rated E for everyone.

[@stretopovermind9680]

- goes from being used on women to also being used on men And even, at times, on horses.

[@gosple2]

@@stretopovermind9680 The pimp hand truly knows no discrimination.

[@KingZealotTactics]

@@stretopovermind9680 Truly a universal hand for all.

[@StarDragonJP]

And also a woman using it on a knight

[@Whywouldanyonecareaboutme]

​@@StarDragonJPThe pimp hand knows no limitations

[@DaddyArcadeRecords]

This should on repeat at every renaissance fair’s ticket purchasing area

[@H_Hold]

I shall find the attire of a bard, change it to my liking, And with lute in hand I shall perform it live.

[@2005RavenR6]

This would probably be enough to draw me into going to the local Faire

[@mohshuvuu9076]

This deserves an extended version

[@thfkmnIII]

I can see the bridge of the full version going hard

[@lola-BBD]

This is therapy for millions of men!

[@Hiznogood]

Only for the weak and cowardly! How the frikk needs to raise his hand against a woman? You must be such sorry geldings!

[@WanderingLoner1]

Damn straight...

[@heavymetalknight3728]

Genius! This will be the theme song of my DnD Bard, Sir Pimpsalot.

[@Jetstreasamuel]

I wanna be in that campaign now lol

[@Kazen169]

"Talk back one more time and this will be the scene of a crime" LMAO!!!

[@illegitimatefilm]

This was actually recorded during the making of the Princess Bride. Not for the film, mind you, but as a message for Rob Reiner's kitchen staff.

[@HardArchiveVinyl]

🎯 💯

[@Belluser-we1uc5cb2l]

This is how they handled Karen's in the old days.

[@TheSaucyMatron]

😂😂😂😂

[@PostelRex]

Well actually back in the day Karen's went under the name witch

[@thealkymyst]

Better days.

[@fourikaunix5407]

Thou shalt not test me butch I'll use my fist

[@Hawkmoon26933]

The ye olde days.

[@sonnyeclipse2227]

I 200% want to hear more medieval ballads from you.

[@jareddemarzo8196]

Hear hear!

[@KDizzy6]

The algorithm recommends yet another gem to me. This is a 15th century banger.

[@jaybee9269]

16th.

[@KDizzy6]

@@jaybee9269 I stand corrected. Thank ye.

[@fangsofthefenrir0027]

The random "I'M HUNGRY" that comes in every so often had me crackin tf up. What a masterpiece.

[@Nope_handlesaretrash]

Making chicken was actually a big flex in the middle ages, because eating an egg layer was akin to eating dairy cows, your rich enough to not care.

[@JT1698]

Oh cool, i get to laugh AND learn about the middle ages!

[@Wykesidefruitmachine]

Play this at my wife's funeral.

[@Sir_Killsalot]

💀

[@WanderingLoner1]

Damn! u mad bro...

[@Sir_Killsalot]

@@WanderingLoner1 😂

[@giestron336]

Lmao 💀

[@maximus4765]

Lord maketh mine pimp hand strong.

[@sixpest]

1:10 Bro held that note Lmfao

[@phillipcassell3319]

That's honestly my favorite part. For an AI song, there is such powerful emotion in it. You can really feel that he doesn't want to be tested by a bitch

[@BigZ52]

​@@phillipcassell3319😂 sounds like he dissing a specific bitch 😂

[@FanaticFilmsINC]

Back when thy pimp hand wore a gauntlet.

[@Fighttilltheend0136]

Yuppp

[@Cragmortis]

When he sang "I'm hungry" I felt that.

[@zfenty]

0:47 "DOUBLE DARE THEE!"

[@flying1dead155]

Well this going into a kingdom come deliverance 2 montages 😂

[@alanwestmoreland6152]

The ottomans were real quiet when this dropped

[@infinityrays]

Because it’s true 🎉

[@njdutoit]

Because they would get their lips smacked and shit busted.

[@theevinlander6417]

They were taking notes to incorporate more foreign culture.

[@iamsylar789]

“I’ll Beat Thee….and Thou Shalt Bleed” - Shakespeare - Timon of Athens (Act 4, Scene 3)

[@Παθεια_Γνωστικα]

Real shakespearillionaire.

[@astronautical1060]

Shakespimp

[@nathanhale7444]

As a man who grew up with nothing but women at home I really appreciate this. I'm just glad I didn't hear it back then or it woulda gotten me in alot of trouble.

[@ScorpiusPhoenix]

I just keep hitting replay and laughing my ass off!

[@njdutoit]

This needs to be played at a gathering of feminists protesting the Patriarchy.

[@Jay3up]

That would be….GLORIOUS 😂

[@Ratio429]

This is what I'm talking about lol. We need to make this a meme somehow.

[@kristenleonard2837]

YES YES YES YEEEES

[@Jetstreasamuel]

Yes please

[@001hamish]

As a man who has a mother, wife, daughter, granddaughter....this is some of the funniest shit I have seen in a while😂👍

[@asandax6]

Damn you got all the B****s

[@nazaninsoltanpour6254]

Man do I pity them lmao😂😂😂😂

[@amabdiyus111]

😂 i was not expecting that

[@001hamish]

@@nazaninsoltanpour6254 I enjoy this for the humourous outlet it provides, when surrounded by a sea of estrogen, things like this are a liferaft for my testosterone😅

[@Deatheater4444]

"'Yea', said Kingge Robert, 'weareth it in silence, lest ye be honored again'."

[@brick275]

Dude said "I dare thee" at the end. Perfect ending!

[@sajohnson09]

Proof keeping the pimp hand strong is a centuries honed tradition.

[@desadograisedrobot515]

We need you to discover more of these ye old songs. These are great as hell.

[@HardArchiveVinyl]

@@desadograisedrobot515 I had a blast making this one. Definitely gonna make more. Cheers!

[@Live-Life-Freely]

The Dark Ages were upon the eyes of misbehaved women.

[@VorpalMystery]

0:41 Has a modern day oven. Also somebody replace all the bard songs in BG3 with this.

[@Kommander_Rahnn]

And apparently a dwarf lives behind their counter.

[@lexingtonfladager793]

Lol I don't know how you noticed that

[@princessnahema]

removeth thy hand from my gameboy, woman

[@_maverick_50]

2024: Equal rights 1524: ...and lefts

[@WanderingLoner1]

Never forget lefts

[@badgerbusiness9059]

I will play this all fucking day...everyday!

[@HardArchiveVinyl]

@@badgerbusiness9059 Cheers!

[@badgerbusiness9059]

@@HardArchiveVinyl cheers mate!

[@a1racer441]

I’m hungry. Back in the kitchen and make that chicken had me rolling.

[@Spawn_Connery]

Thou Shalt not Test Me - Truly the ONLY commandment CHRIST IS KING!

[@derpnip]

It has been awfully quite in yonder tavern since the Black Knight has started his stay.

[@ChingoMandinguez]

Yet the cry of the pale wenches pierce the night sky!

[@alexanderfaust4192]

This is catchy as hell.

[@TheCaringYeen]

We're making it out of the dungeons with this one! 🗣🔥🔥🔥🔥🔥

[@ARC1701A]

I'm doing training classes all this week and can't keep the line "I use my pimp hand to correct" line out of my head as I point at stuff with a knife-hand.

[@TheRealPhenri]

Thank you, drill sergeant! May I have another?

[@KuddlesbergTheFirst]

Historically accurate Paladin.

[@Pantheragem]

Keep thy pimp gauntlet strong.

[@donjohnson8629]

💀🤣💀

[@dakotagreg1177]

If women are so much stronger, then how come they were so easily subjugated by men?

[@Excale445]

I’m adding this to my playlist

[@Walter-wo5sz]

Good wedding song.

[@DeanSchaub]

I can see this as an Amazing Horse "Shut Up Woman And Get On My Horse" medley

[@fredwoods9984]

Truly a classic of our age

[@ProfessorGast]

😭😭😭 Clearly a forgotten classic that only Hard Archive can revive from the ashes of music's past

[@DanlowMusic]

AI Bard music. Not what i had on my list for 2024. 😂😂

[@mastercabbage]

But I’m here for it!

[@apokkalyps6]

I would love so much to hear a genuine version of this... this is so unironically good

[@adamshalashaskarevolverocelot]

"We are going back to the medieval ages with this classic bard's song when it was called for to slap thy maiden in the face for disrespect."

[@shadowviruz]

I heard him proclaim he doth bear a cape.

[@MetalMuscleDaddy]

I have just discovered gold! 😂

[@ihavenoson3384]

I remember this release. The king liked it as he was had just divorced his wife.

[@MusicManFernando]

The King back then used to listen to this song all day long on Amazon Music.

[@eastbow6053]

As a woman i want to give thee my gratitude this sh..t made me laugh xD ...plus the dresses are so beautiful i had to pause and study all of them

[@Ratio429]

You have a great humor!!

[@mineduck3050]

This was in aragorns backstory of why he bangs elves not those human broads. Sang it to Frodo.

[@emiltuverot9978]

I play it at work, cause we are not allowed to say things like this to eachothers faces. Its so fun to see them first like it and after awhile they hear the lyrics😂 They cant fire me anyway.

[@Ratio429]

We sending em back to the kitchen with this one! 🗣🔥🔥

[@Devon-ice]

Tis be beautiful to thy ears MARVELOUS

[@GregoryFoster-id8zd]

🤣🤣🤣 I played it for my wife, 👀 the l👀k was worth it. Thanks for posting it...😂🤣🤣🤣🤣

[@hamster2845]

Women know what buttons to push to anger a man into prison.

[@CommanderBow934]

Reject modernity Embrace Tradition 😎

[@TempOne-vh4fd]

This is my favorite song right now.

[@OneReplika]

Only the youth of the year 1524, now long past, dost recall this wondrous work of art.

[@StigaWorldCup]

This song was played in the court of Gustavus Wasa in the 1520s. A king known for a pimp hand like no other.

[@scanadaze]

Women never changed.

[@lola-BBD]

I grew up in tuckahoe. My friends father said “No, you smackahoe”

[@SomethingStupid-i7y]

@@lola-BBD aho

[@MasterMayhem78]

Some things should’ve never changed

[@draco-amercon]

Yes I think Shakespeare mentioned this particular song in one of his plays.

[@alexanderfaust4192]

Fairly certain it was Hamlet to Ophelia. Contrary to popular belief about the play, Hamlet really WAS being driven insane by that bitch.

[@TwinMcQuerns]

The Taming of the Shrew?

[@draco-amercon]

@@TwinMcQuerns lol, touche !

[@BigZ52]

​@TwinMcQuerns In the movie Role Models they already got a dance for it 😂😂😂 The slapping of the wench 😂

[@WarLoch]

Girls : I want a chivalrous man, like in the good old days. The Good old days

[@togucvinw7]

Them adlibs are legendary tho 😂😂 « double dare thee b*tch »

[@matthewb192]

God. I really needed this song today. Thank you. 👊

[@kefs]

I thought this track was lost to time! Fantastic find!

[@michealjennings4374]

Lol when the brave knight just straight up deflects the maiden he knows he the dragon truly is lol

[@midknight7463]

Get back in the kitchen and make me some chicken...I lost it 😆 🤣 😂 😹

[@JackofWhitechapel]

I love this! Somewhere between rocking out and giggle fits

[@Skimmerlit]

“Cull thy vexations, Amoret, or mine fist shalt cull them for thee” - Britomart, The Faerie Queene, Canto IV

[@monkeymangamertm2512]

Parry this, thine dishwasher.

[@XOTICXPATRIATE]

its an absolute masterpiece!

[@leroilapue15]

The anthem of a generation, the song by which we marched to along the fringes of society, a decleration of our steadfastness and manly creed...and other such suchness

[@billymaze3544]

I hope you make more vids in the medieval style. You’ve become my favorite KZbinr.

[@Lucas-pq8hs]

We come from a long tradition of knights to pimps

[@revatem]

When he rhymed bitchen with kitchen, I cried 😭

[@22trem]

Me Too people will love this video...

[@davidhennen7045]

Worked selling art, I have never seen any of these paintings. This song and these pictures go so perfectly together, liked! 😁😁

[@Eatbutternow]

Well this song is going to be stuck in my head for a while.

[@The_Comedian556]

This is my 32nd replay

[@awesomebearaudiobooks]

Fun fact: The word "testicle" comes from the word "test", and could be translated from Latin as "the witness of masculinity". This has nothing to do with the song, of course, since the song is quite tolerant and gender-neutral. As you can see, the video depicts men beating men, as well as girls beating girls (some of the knights in shining armor). I don't condone violence, by the way, just describing art!!!

[@Timjones-v4h]

I’M HUNGRY! 🎵