TikTok is ruining my relationship 🎄🙃 r/AITA

hope you're having a great holiday period peaches! here's a little launch gift for you at the end hehe! in this week's AITA we explore turkey trots, disabilities and traditions, the tiktok advent calendar trend, and santa claus! grab a cuppa and let's go fishing! 🍑✨
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Be kind and have a great day (:

[@miadifferent7306]

I‘ve once read the hypothesis that talking to your plants might help them grow because you provide them directly with CO2. So the shit talking boyfriend might actually help the girlfriend’s plant to grow even more. 😂

[@ace.of.space.]

+

[@feliciapease3912]

That what I thought.

[@imatiredpotato]

LMFAO

[@DaniElleRF]

Yeah, that’s what I thought! Like, yes there’s scientific backing, but only for talking in general, not for talking nicely

[@cathleenc6943]

I thought so too, and I think it will be hilarious if the plant that gets the shit talking wins the bet.

[@tunneskopp5547]

I am flabbergasted nobody seemed to ask Jim about this. Maybe I am biased because I am disabled and I hate if people just speak and/or demand stuff on my behalf without checking with me, but I got news for OP/the hubby: Jim very possibly already knows that he can’t walk and won’t perceive you having a race as a sad reminder of that fact. ;)

[@Summer-uq1vr]

Yeah I was quite put off by the complete lack of mention on Jim's views T.T that's the closest I got to being bothered by the father, was is this him controlling the narrative and cutting Jim out and ignoring him. Then I realised it's quite likely Jim's well-meaning spouse hasnt bothered to help Jim self-advocate, and is just going with what he thinks is best😅😭

[@krissylynne14]

I feel like this has to be coming from the son, not Jim. Jim knows other people run. Like the son decided Jim would be upset and went to bat for him without even talking to him.

[@Fieyma]

Yesss! I completely agree! I’m disabled, and watching people do things that I can’t, and watching people opt out of things I can’t do because they don’t want to, just reminds me of how other people have a choice to do some things that I can not do. I’m not saying that able people shouldn’t have a choice do things I’m just saying that activities should be more accessible.

[@tforceraven]

Literally why did nobody check with Jim? In my personal experience, sure it sucks to have to sit out and watch others have fun but what would suck even more is if they all had to cancel their tradition because of me. Maybe I could be included in another tradition, you know?

[@pancakelord83]

Agreed! But even if he did get sad seeing other people run, I don't know if them not doing it at all would be the solution? I used to be very active and I love long hikes and climbing, but I've recently been struggling with walking and running for the first time in my life due to chronic pain. My experience is that while seeing other people do things that I can't do (but used to love) can be a sad reminder, it would be even more upsetting if everyone else stopped having fun with those things because of me. My wife is happy to join me for exercise to whatever extent my body allows and if she wants to work out more than that, of course I'll encourage her! There's no reason my disability should stop everyone else from being physically active, it's not their fault that this happened to me and I don't see any reason why they should be held back just because I am?

[@808atlas5]

I'm a huge plant person, but I've got to be honest, If I found my partner talking smack to my plants in the middle of the night, I'd find that incredibly hilarious, even if we were in a "competition" about who could grow the bigger plant.... I wouldn't consider this an act of sabotage at all...

[@MonaMinetteAnimation]

Same, I’m sorry Shaba- but plants don’t care what you say to them. The only reason plants do better when people talk to them is because it makes the human personify the plant making you more likely to take good care of it and remember to water it etc. Plants are alive and they’re pretty cool, but not sentient. And few things would be funnier than finding my husband sneak around in the dark in order to smack talk my plant 😂

[@imdone9967]

Yes but he was TRYING to sabotage, I think that’s the point

[@ecoonrad4753]

@@MonaMinetteAnimation iirc another reason talking to plants helps is because of the CO2 you release next to them in the process, so the husband was actually helping the wife beat him by shit talking her plants

[@808atlas5]

@@imdone9967 I get what you mean... Perhaps I should've written that this, to me, would be acceptable playful "sabotage" compared to actual sabotage... just like someone would slightly tease another in any other casual competitive game/competition.... whether you're playing cards or bowling or whatever, you "sabotage" with banter... there's a big difference between that and actual sabotage - to me at least...

[@hieithefox]

It’s hilarious also the plants can understand what we say so doubt that shit talking does anything unless they were legit yelling at it

[@WonderfulAkari]

They invited Jim to the run so I image he could have participated in a wheelchair, it's just a run not a whole day. - A disabled person

[@Habitarse]

Exactly what I thought, giving options is always important. A wheelchair if the terrain is not good, would be difficult, but a new route could be fine.

[@YourQueerGreatAuntie]

I think the main issue with that story was that we heard precisely nothing from the disabled person - only from their husband and FIL. I was a bit concerned with the commenter who described it as a "slippery slope", as if including disabled people in your family life will inevitably lead to chaos and the dissolution of society.... We didn't have enough info from the OP, and I felt a bit bad that the disabled commenters on the original post were of the "don't make a fuss or everyone will hate us" school of thought. The truth is that we have to fight for absolutely everything, and it's exhausting. Many of us have to accept whatever crumbs we're thrown for the sake of a bit of peace. We are at risk of being routinely excluded and seen as a burden and a bother.

[@jadziajan]

I thought OP asked if his son was coming, not if the son's spouse was coming. The spouse being the disabled person.

[@Deadman7600.]

@@YourQueerGreatAuntiei see where you’re coming from and I personally wouldn’t have used this phrasing but if you just drop a whole activity that your family enjoys then what’s to stop other family members from making op stop other events or activities. Like ‘I can’t attend this year so no one should’, the fact that Jim is disabled is a valid reason to stop an activity but that could be twisted by other family members. I have autism and I sometimes don’t attend activities my friends and family sets up because I can’t deal with that stimulation on those occasions, doesn’t mean they should stop those activities, I can just attend another one or attend later once I get my sensory overload under control. If I decide that because I can’t attend no one should what’s to stop my other friends from twisting that to cancel other events so they don’t feel ‘othered’. So I understand your point but the comment was mostly right in my opinion.

[@rat3015]

​@@YourQueerGreatAuntie i might be wrong, but the way i understood that persons comment was that having other people fight about things that aren't actually important to them/are already reasonable to other people is the slippery slope and the thing that makes people hate them. I definitely wanted to hear if this was something jim himself had a problem with or if it was just his husband "white knighting" him.

[@EternalYorkieMom]

“I don’t know who would shit talk their plants” Crowley from Good Omens “GROW BETTAH!!!”

[@bibliocharylodis]

25:00 Saint Nicholas was a real person and is still a Christian saint and patron saint of children (which is probably the basis for why he brings gifts to kids). There are various stories surrounding him and eventually he evolved to what is now Santa Claus. Saint Nicholas is still celebrated in some areas (like my country) on December 6th, because Santa Claus does not originally exist here. :)

[@s.a.4358]

Just commented this and then I saw your comment.

[@durabelle]

Santa Claus or Father Christmas has also been mixed with some pagan versions in some countries. For example in the Nordics there's a traditional goat-like character that goes from house to house around Christmas time, and that explains why Santa Claus is called Joulupukki (yule goat) in Finnish even today 😄 Re-writing much older pagan traditions through religions has always been a thing, easier to sell to people than something completely new I guess. The current version of Father Christmas in Finland wears the same red outfit and has the same jolly demeanor as in all the current movies and ads, but the older versions were a lot more weird and scary.

[@julienakpillankford1609]

Thanks for posting this! 💖

[@sarahsstyle2038]

He gave presents to the poor and I would want to carry on his tradition but I'd want to explain who he is and how some of it is just stories when I have kids

[@LittleGreenCar514]

Didn't Saint Nicholas give gold to poor women so that they would have a dowry and not be forced into prostitution?

[@binglemarie42]

I'm someone who lives directly on a Turkey Trot route. I'm also disabled and couldn't ever participate as a runner in the Turkey Trot. I have no problem with loved ones participating! I choose not to go and watch because even that is too fatiguing, but I just join indoors afterward. My loved ones are very understanding and always make sure we have time together that I can handle, but I would never want to restrict them from doing things that I can't! Resounding NTA.

[@leobeboop4944]

What is a turkey trot I have never heard of them before this video 😭

[@leobeboop4944]

What is a turkey trot I have never heard of them before this video 😭

[@kristalpower292]

⁠​⁠@@leobeboop4944from a quick search it’s a a fun run or marathon that happens on thanksgiving. Depending on the surface or route Jim could theoretically take part in the race. It’s just depends on if he wants to and his personal health needs and preferences. There seems to be many ways he could participate in the event so cancelling this opt tradition seems odd.

[@binglemarie42]

As I understand it, it's a super low stakes foot "race," where walking is totally acceptable. I don't know how long the course is, I'd guess pretty short. The point is more to show up for each other than to compete (at least that's how the people I know treat it), and it's a nice way for families to do something fun together on Thanksgiving morning. My niece and nephew (6 years old and 3 years old) just ran around the block from the starting line this year. Family cheered when they crossed the "finish line." A wholesome, fun activity.

[@Roanmonster]

@@binglemarie42 yes I feel like that's a pretty important part to the story. It's not something they do themselves, it's an event they go to. It's not something they do themselves that they have the power to turn into something more accessible to a wheelchair user.

[@autisticnation7140]

Story 1: I'm disabled. There was an alternative provided to the activity that was disability friendly. Watching TV with grandma. During the race and dinner afterwards.

[@MichiruEll]

The Santa thing: It is so valuable for the uncle to be truthful with his niece when she came and asked. She now knows she has a place to turn to for truth. I don't think that parents are always right. A different example: If a parent wants to "protect their kid" by not giving them access to sex ed, that's objectively wrong, and an aunt/uncle should absolutely explain things if a teen came and asked direct questions.

[@ktm9292]

Agreed. This is what I was thinking too. My only caveat would be that OP should have first asked the niece if they'd discussed it with their parents. Essentially, giving the chance for the parents to do the right thing before taking on the role of being the source of truth. But if the niece has already brought this up with her parents, and knowing that she was being made fun of for still believing in Santa they persisted, they're essentially putting their desire to carry on what is now a lie, rather than an innocent bit of magic making, at their kid's expense. Someone needed to do the right thing and tell her. 11 is super late.

[@llynxfyremusic]

If a child can ask a question, they're old enough to receive a truthful and age appropriate answer.

[@Desimere]

@@ktm9292 i feel like if they talked to the parents first, after the kid asks, the parents would have stuck to their story that Santa is real and then OP would have been complicit in the lie already. I was bullied in school and if i found out that my parents knew how to stop it, but chose not to, that would have made it even worse. Like no one cared enough to be looking out for me. If the parents did want to reveal it themselves, like Shaaba assumed, then it would be good ofc to let them be the ones to reveal it. But it didn't seem like it from the story. And in this case, i think this was the best possible action.

[@epickody3924]

@@Desimerewhen they mentioned "asking the parents first," they meant as in the niece asking her parents before op would give the answer. not that op would ask the parents if its ok to have that discussion

[@nergregga]

In the second story, who else imagines OP yelling at house plants like Crowley from Good Omens?

[@sts4858]

I came to the comments specifically to see if anyone else had been reminded of that scene 🙂

[@MogamiKyoko13]

That was the first thing I thought of. In Good Omens fanfics, they have the trope of Aziraphale secretly speaking kindly to the plants and Crowley getting mad about it, so I thought the AITA was a pretty hilarious opposite to that.

[@Sophie_Cleverly]

I was thinking of that too 😆

[@oops3828]

Yeah- I thought it was going to be that he started insulting his own plant and then it performed better (a la Crowley) and that's why spouse was mad

[@elizabethmcdonald2569]

Literally just sent someone the GROW BETTER gif 😂 🪴

[@roari-clydea.soule-fahey1756]

My reaction to the first story was an immediate "why doesn't OP ask Jim directly if he felt excluded, since he's the one who is disabled." As someone with a lifelong disability that has sometimes made it impossible for me to do certain things, if I know there's a part of an event or holiday I'm going to that I can't do, I will just opt to do something else that I can do. I don't think OP is the asshole in that specific scenario, but I do think there should maybe be more communication actually INVOLVING Jim when discussing outings and holiday activities. In general I wonder if there was any communication at all directly with Jim, or if OP was only talking to Son.

[@MortalWizard]

With the last santa story I think it's important to remember that kids are also people. While communication with parents is important kids aren't property, witholding truth the child clearly wants and needs I don't think is usually right despite what the parents want

[@durabelle]

This! And an 11yo can usually already read and use the internet too, so they've got means to search for truths beyond what their parents tell them. My friends told me about Santa when I was 6 or 7, and I told my sister even before that age. My parents were annoyed at me, but I was never disappointed by discovering the truth so couldn't see why anyone else would be either 😂 When I got older I understood the value of stories like that a bit better, but I don't think I could try and make my kids believe in Santa, or the Tooth Fairy, or Easter Bunny. I still enjoyed all of those fairytale characters as a child long after I knew none of them were real. I just learned pretty early to not let my parents know I know, since they were the ones who got upset about it.

[@kira3835]

Yes exactly! Also given the fact that she brought it up due to being teased about the elf thing, she's clearly worried she might get teased about Santa too. It's almost cruel of the parents at this point to try to maintain the charade, especially against the child's wishes. Not to mention the red flag at how controlling they seem about something so inconsequential.

[@roseduste80]

When I was 9, I decided not to tell my mother I'd lost a tooth to prove the tooth fairy wasn't real. It was extremely upsetting. I didn't care about the tooth fairy, but I was devastated that she'd lied to me. I just couldn't understand why anyone would do that.

[@LoonyLuna798]

I've never understood Santa Claus traditions, I think largely because my older brother is autistic, so the minute he discovered Santa wasn't real, he went and told me (I was 5, he was 8). From my parents' horror I gather I was supposed to be heartbroken, but my bigger concern was not looking like a dumb little kid to my big brother. I think the way the girl's aunt/uncle explained it was really sweet (certainly better than my brother going, 'Santa doesn't exist, it's so weird everyone lies about it' which my parents tried to salvage with 'it's a game adults play' which even then I thought was a bad excuse), and I have absolutely no patience for anyone who cries 'but the magic of Christmas!' To this day my brother is one of the most trustworthy people I know because his first thought on discovering a lie was to go warn me about it. I honestly think that's a better and more lasting "magic of Christmas" memory than a bunch of adults setting up an elaborate hoax.

[@eevilauntie]

I feel like Santa exists in a liminal space and most kids stop believing by increments rather than having an adult spoil the fun all at once. I kind of believed in Santa when I was eleven but I also knew it was my parents. I was aware Santa was like a social contract where kids promise to behave and in exchange get rewarded, but it was also fun to believe he's real. Kind of like I still think it's fun to pretend cryptids are real even though I know there's no Loch Ness Monster.

[@thecolorjune]

Yeah! You stop believing slowly, but the magic is still lovely. And I really like the idea of “becoming Santa” when you fully embrace the fiction. When I accepted that the tooth fairy wasn’t real and told my parents, and I got to help be the tooth fairy for my little sister! It was really magical and I even contributed my own pocket change. ❤❤❤

[@Brynnthebookworm]

I stopped believing in the tooth fairy first, but I didn't say so right away so that I would continue to get money for teeth. I think that one cracked first because I was always sort of dubious about it in the first place. My sister was the one that told me to hide my first tooth under my pillow, and I didn't believe her at first until I asked my mom. There's not really any good explanation for why she's willing to give you money for your teeth- like what is she doing with them? The Easter Bunny was next, but again I didn't say anything so as not to lose the benefits. My problem with that one is that you can sit on the bunny's lap, and they're clearly just a person in a suit, not an actual magical bunny. Sometimes the one at school would be an adult that I knew and could recognize behind the mask. Santa has the best backstory, so I didn't become truly skeptical until third grade, but like with the others I hadn't said anything yet. But by fourth grade I was really tall for my age, and I was too embarrassed to continue sitting on Santa's lap for pictures, so I finally told my mom I didn't believe to get out of it. Then after that I came clean about the others too.

[@SomeoneBeginingWithI]

Yeah, I sort of figured it out when I was around 7 but I continued pretending to believe for my parents and because it was fun. I think it's a nice tradition for children to get a stocking full of small gifts to open first thing in the morning. I think once a child is old enough to ask, you should give them an honest answer. They can still continue to open a stocking if they want to. In some families even the adults get stockings. It's fun to create an imaginary story for the young children to have a sense of magic. There's no need to lie to older children.

[@SassyGirl822006]

I was 6 when I came to the conclusion that Santa wasn't a living person, but the personification of the spirit of giving (or however my 6 year old brain termed it). But I continued to go along with it because it was fun. And Santa only gives presents to those who "believe".

[@Tankekraft]

@@Brynnthebookworm "santa has the best backstory" got me xD but also sorry, you sit on the easter bunny's lap???! Are you saying that during easter, you got people dressed in bunny suits in malls, doing the same thing that Mall-Santa does during christmas? I only know about Mall-Santa from media, mostly films, but I've never seen any rep of Mall-Bunny. I'm not American.

[@kellyhall5284]

When my daughter was about 8 someone told her about Santa. I explained that he was a real person many years ago, and that a tradition came from him. I told her that when you learn about the truth, it's then your job to do Santa duties too. It's all about love, family and gifting (small things). From then, she would spend ages before Christmas finding the perfect gifts for her little cousins from Santa. They were never super expensive, but something meaningful. She's 16 now and likes to now gift them gifts that she has chosen special for them, off her x

[@leekestner1554]

This is very similar to how I described it to my daughters. It worked out great.

[@blob6178]

I might be evil I guess but the plant one made me laugh? Like it’s a plant sorry, if I walked in on someone insulting my plant I’d just think they were on the verge of a breakdown or something

[@gracelovely3838]

As a disabled person, I have feelings about the first one. I think for this story, OP is NTA 100%. In general, I would hate for my loved ones to cancel or change small traditions because it might offend me. Instead, I communicate with my fiance and the families to find out what is going on and how it would affect me. Sometimes plans change, sometimes I deal with being a little uncomfortable, and sometimes I just don't participate. There are no hard feelings because I understand that other people have different needs. In Jim's case, there were lots of people who didn't opt in for different reasons and I think that expecting him to cancel without communication is a bit ridiculous. Since Jim is so new, people are probably pretty defensive about the condition and it's possible that Jim has been spoiled because of his condition

[@rai1578]

Absolutely. Like yes, it's important to make sure things are as accessible as possible, but some things can never be accessible to everyone, and it doesn't make the people who are able to do it wrong for enjoying it. I'm disabled, and I can't participate in a lot of physical activities. I would never dream of asking others not to do them. I just watch and enjoy from the sidelines, or take advantage of the time to decompress a bit. I would feel horrible if my loved ones cancelled doing something they enjoy just because I can't do it. I'd never ever ask them to do that. We also never actually heard Jim's thoughts on it. We only hear about OP's son being upset about it. Sometimes, abled people try to be a good ally to disabled people, but end up being overly protective. I've had people get offended at things on my behalf that I didn't even see as a problem. So it's possible that Jim wasn't even offended about the Turkey Trot, and OP's son is just protective of his partner.

[@dianajones4639]

Exactly. My thoughts here are that if the son who married Jim said that he was doing it and left Jim in the dust, that would be mean. I am not physically disabled, but as a partner, I could see myself saying hey, I want you to stick with me. But I wouldn’t expect the whole family too. Jim could go to the end and cheer them on as they finish if you wanted to as well.

[@minni_sung9437]

The extreme guilt and shame of ruining a new families long standing (good-nuetral) tradition would be so much worse than dealing with not partaking in it. I'm fine being disabled and ya know, not able to do some things, and I know other people aren't disabled. It's not a dirty secret. I feel Jim needs to be the one communicating stuff if he has a problem and not his (as far as we know) able bodied spouse. As much as I get being scared to speak up for myself, someone who doesn't have similar experiences tends to demolish the nuance of my arguments and I feel like that applies to jim too.

[@catattack7639]

I'm disabled in the legs as well, and I don't understand why someone would have to cancel their yearly traditions for me. It's only one part of the celebration, it sounds like they had plenty more to do after.

[@blackk_rose_]

Based on OP's description in the first story, all of the celebrations are accessible except for the Turkey Run, which multiple other family members don't participate in for various reasons. That has never been a problem and there is also an alternative at grandma's that some people choose to go to while others join later. Based on that info, the son is totally out of line. It would be a whole different story if the entire celebration was inaccessible or if everyone in the family joined the Turkey Run for hours without anything else to do. But that isn't the case. I wouldn't be surprised if the son is bitter because he wants to participate but either doesn't want to leave his partner alone or was asked by his partner to stay with him. However, because the partner is disabled and they are a queer couple, I would be interested to hear the son and SIL's side of the story too. Because (subconscious) ableism and/or homophobia might be going on that OP failed to mention. Maybe they get excluded a lot because Jim cannot participate in most of the activities they plan throughout the year and/or they aren't or at one point in the past weren't treated with the same respect as the straight couples in the family. If that's the case, being excluded from the Turkey Run could've triggered (one of) them, which made the son put his foot down. It doesn't sound like that from the way OP tells it, but of course that doesn't necessarily mean anything.

[@GraveyardMaiden]

Depending on Jim's chair OP's son could of pushed it, or like idk just walk the race or watch it with Jim

[@16poetisa]

Especially since OP said their family is pretty active. What if a lot of their family actives aren't accessible? Or, as with this, they don't seem to put in the effort to research accessible alternatives, or even realize that for Jim to participate requires more planning and effort, and they shouldn't just dump that on him and their son to figure out on their own.

[@bacul165]

In the dulcet tones of David Tennant as Crowley, talking to his houseplants: GRoW bEtTaH!

[@soullesscadmium30]

HAHA I was looking for this comment

[@chronicallyfabulous88]

As a physically disabled person, I'm curious how Jim actually feels about the race. I got the impression that the OP has only heard from his son about all this and not from Jim, himself. I've been in situations where I was fine with just not participating in one part of an event that had existed long before I showed up, but the abled person I was with (partner, friend, etc.) basically overcompensated while trying to stand up for me, when it really wasn't necessary. I wouldn't be surprised if Jim actually isn't fazed, but the son is angry on his behalf and maybe Jim is just staying back and respecting that the son handle his family the way he chooses. If I were in Jim's position, I honestly wouldn't be fussed about not participating in that one aspect of my partner's family Thanksgiving. People are allowed to do things that I can't do and the OP clearly wanted to include Jim in some way, since he asked whether Jim would be joining them. I've cheered exes on from the sidelines plenty of times and it's not like Jim would've been the only one doing so, since OP said that other family members chose to attend but not participate in the actual race. I really feel like the son may just be overcompensating out of love for Jim and fighting a battle that didn't necessarily need to be fought.

[@morgandailey8034]

A turkey trot is a race, usually a 5k or 10k on thanksgiving morning here in the US. The winner gets a turkey. Its less of trying to trot like a turkey than just a fun alliteration. They are frequently put in by running groups around the area.

[@Raddiebaddie]

A trot can also be a fun run like 1 mile. But yes, its a race of some length!

[@InThisEssayIWill...]

I usually see them as charitable races (proceeds going to some local charity to fund thanksgiving for a marginalized group (women's shelters/disabled/elderly homes etc )).. it's.. whole point is being thankful/charitable/giving back maybe my experience is not universal but if this is the case I really don't understand the sons reaction.. like.. what?!

[@sheenaghm3053]

Turkey Trot makes me think of the Jingle Bell Jog in the UK. Everyone loves alliteration for festive fun runs!

[@lauraelliott6909]

My place of employment hosts a race called the Gobble Wobble, and it's held the day after Thanksgiving.

[@MissMeganBeckett]

Thanks for explaining what it is, I hadn’t heard of turkey trots before.

[@petrastedman669]

The plant story gave me Good Omens vibes: a couple of my friends (friends who are a couple) had a competition seeing who could grow the best plant; prize was planning their next vacation. Started with two identical plants, and one talked nicely and gave it compliments, the other went full Crowley and threatened them to grow better. Both plants did well (based in science just due to the increase in CO2 the plant gets from proximity) but the threatened plant did get a little fuller and greener. Make of that what you will. 🌿

[@sisi7304]

"Grow Bettah!" /ref

[@sillyghostlymood]

I don't know what is a typical age to discover that Santa is not real: What I DO know is that when I was 8 I created a Powerpoint with proof about why he could simply not be real and sat my parents down I then proceeded to bring the news to them while consoling them because they were in shock (which I realised years later was because their 8 year old made an elaborate powerpoint talking and explaining the concept of Santa Claus and how unrealistic it is) Looking back it's honestly a really fun story to tell so :)

[@elaexplorer]

That's adorable.

[@dzbanecekfrost666]

I think making an advent calendar for a spouse would be so cute. It doesn't have to include anything expensive, maybe just a note for each day saying I love you in differnt ways? Or little poems, pictures of animals, small stickers or photos of shared memories? Or riddles if your partner likes them. It could also be a super cute couples activity if you made them for each other, not telling your partner what's gonna be in theirs (just making sure you both make them completely free or up to a certain price).

[@s.a.4358]

It is indeed very cute. But it is also a lot of work even if the presents are not big or expensive. As someone who has done something similar for a loved one in the past, I’d definitively not feel in the mood to do if if I am pressured or guilted into doing it.

[@lisamichelle2837]

I agree it could be very cute. It seemed like this partner didn't want that though. She seemed to specifically want gifts that would cost money.

[@soundlessbee]

This year I got an advent calendar from a loved one where they had put some sweets and puzzle pieces for each day. That was fun and not very expensive since the puzzle was secondhand. I don't think there's much point in any kind of present etc., if you demand them. Perhaps OP could have given his spouse the gifts they already had as an advent calendar and nothing for Christmas. I wonder what kind of reaction there would have been then.

[@dzbanecekfrost666]

@@s.a.4358 It can be, depending how creative you get, but it can also be fun. But obvioulsy no gift is worth it if it only comes from a place of pressure. I fully believe that gifts themselves don't matter, it's the thought that counts. And if you just show you know your partner well and think about them that means you care, right? And when you are forced, there was no real thought behind it.

[@dzbanecekfrost666]

@@lisamichelle2837 I know, I was just sharing ideas or alternatives. The idea of the calendar itself is fine and not unrealistic at all, if done right. The person in the story was just entitled. Wonder what would happen if the husband did something like this tho

[@TheDarwinProject1]

I have mobility issues (lower back, knee, & neck). I would have hated if my new family cancelled a traditional activity on my account! I'd come to support my partner at the start or end. I loved when my brother's family were willing to push my wheelchair to go to Nintendo Day in Seattle this summer, but was especially thrilled that being with me meant my group could skip lines that were hours long & for once I was able to share an advantage rather than just be a burden.

[@tyghe_bright]

Re: the advent calendar, there are two things that turn what could be sweet into the wife being entitled. 1) She's insisting it be all nice gifts. It could be mostly sweet notes or little candies, with a couple of nicer items. We actually did something like that when I was a kid, and I've found ones that have a gift every day miss some of the magic. 2) If she really sees it as a demonstration of love, she needs to make one for him.

[@hazeelford9288]

Story 1: So googled turkey trot because I'm an Aussie and it looks like it's a fun run or long distance race. There are ways for Jim to be included in that if they wanted and as Jim is the expert in the family on their disability all they had to do was ask Jim.

[@violetta698]

I think aunt OP did very well in handling the situation. Realistically it would've been difficult to put off the conversation and lying or brushing it off wouldn't be the right thing to do either. Instead she explained the truth in a way that didn't make the child feel terrible about being lied to. Presenting it as a game where parents (or older members of the family) play Santa and give gifts to the children and then making it exciting for her by turning it into a Santa initiation was really good thinking and as a result, the child was not hurt. Contrary to what the dad said, imo this preserved her childhood as well coz this didn't dump cold water on her happiness, she still gets to see this as something fun, just that now instead of a mythical gift-giver, it's a game in which she has switched over to the Santa side.

[@TheNathansdiary]

As someone who is physically disabled, OP is NTA. We all have things we can do/like to do and if we don't like/can't do them why should others miss out. Other people don't take part in this tradition for, I'm guessing multiple reasons. A common thing at Xmas with my family is the post dinner hike. I don't go out on this and am grateful for the breather from being super social, grab a cuppa and let dinner go down.

[@Rikrobat]

For the first story, I would like to hear Jim’s side of the story. Is it a case of saviour complex from the son or is Jim feeling excluded in other ways and this was the breaking point? I don’t think it’s reasonable to cancel a voluntary-participation tradition for one person, but as Shaaba pointed out the the ice-skating example that was given, does this family regularly plan outings or activities that are not accessible? That would add more context to this reaction.

[@_-reputation.noitatuper-_]

Exactly! I think it would be a TOTALLY case if it were mandatory to attend it.

[@GraveyardMaiden]

Honestly it seems like a case of either savior complex, or Jim and OP's son are just entitled jerks

[@grutarg2938]

I do wonder if there is other context that led to the son feeling this way. I can imagine a situation where a fitness-oriented father was maybe not the most supportive of a gay son & gay son's new disabled husband. Since the father is asking about how to patch things up so they would come to Christmas, I would say that making the extra effort this time to welcome and celebrate this new member of your family would go a long way. What traditions can you include him in - perhaps making Jim a stocking with his name on it, taking a family portrait, giving a toast to their marriage, asking Jim about traditions from his childhood and trying them out together. And - not on every occasion, but this time around to help mend the relationship - pass over any activity that would exclude Jim.

[@elliest55]

@@grutarg2938 This is the comment I came looking for. There is a lot of context missing regarding how welcome and included Jim has felt *up until* the Turkey Trot issue. The son may not be having a "saviour complex" moment, but he may rather feel that this is the latest in a series of not-so-welcoming behaviours towards his husband. So, even though I agree that doing the run and offering alternatives is not in itself assholy, there may be more complex dynamics at play here. Still a good sign that OP wants to patch things up and is giving the exclusion/inclusion issue some thought.

[@terryparker9237]

I absolutely agree with Shabba on the subject of Santa. Children's stories do usually have a fact based origin, or at least a moral lesson attached to them.

[@s.a.4358]

Saint Nicolas was actually historic saint who, among other things, was known to be kind to children.

[@Tropicanine]

saint nicholas was a saint of the 4th century his day in some places is a higher celebration than christmas, which the origin of santa claus is most likely based on, coca cola has taken a very big place in shaping the image of the character we know today, but there are many different versions around the world ("The feast is celebrated annually with the giving of gifts on St. Nicholas' Eve (5 December) in the Netherlands and on the morning of 6 December, Saint Nicholas Day, in Belgium") ("Long before the symbol of Father Christmas emerged in England, the separate legend of Sinterklaas was gaining ground in Europe. The origins of Sinterklaas can be found in the stories of St Nicholas, a 4th-century Greek bishop from Myra, now in modern-day Turkey. St Nicholas was credited with a wide variety of miracles")

[@mikamik6529]

We celebrate St Nikolaus Day on the 6th December in Germany. Within the catholic church here, there is a lot of opposition to Santa Claus because he is considered to be a capitalist ripoff of Saint Nicolas. As a child, I was told the child Jesus brings the presents on Christmas, but it was never a whole charade, I always knew my parents and relatives had bought the presents.

[@s.a.4358]

@@mikamik6529 Christkind! Als Kind dachte ich das Jesus jedes Jahr wieder ein kleines Kind wird und dann Geschenke bring. Und nach Weihnachten wird er wieder groß 🤷‍♀️ Ich fand es schon etwas seltsam, aber na gut!

[@jduc005]

My biggest gut instinct re: the Turkey Trot thing is that it sure feels like there's a chance something else is going on with Jim, entirely likely that the OP doesn't know about it. On paper from OP's description it's an overreaction, and it's always fair to assume an overreaction means it's not just about 'the issue'. It does make me wonder if this was a good excuse for the son and Jim to draw a boundary.

[@iwishihadseenthatlol]

This is such a good point. Especially being queer and disabled there’s a lot of people who would be nasty on those grounds, and the fact that OP himself hadn’t already taken the obvious steps to talk to Jim or see if there were ways to include him.

[@SomeoneBeginingWithI]

Yes, I suspect that something else has happened. They're asking for an apology and considering not coming to Christmas, so they're upset about something. The story we've been told doesn't feel complete.

[@HighAsHeckPriestess]

I dont celebrate Christmas but i do use the week of Kwanzaa to celebrate black art and culture! This year's activity is binging Living Single ❤ So Turkey Trots are a very American holiday tradition held around Thanksgiving. They raise money for food banks and local hospitals during the holiday season and usually involves running a race in festive clothing. And you dont even have to run!! You can walk, ride a bike, stand on the side and cheer, or just donate what you can to the charity! My job had a bin set up to collect food for our local shelter, as did most stores and even the dispensary! There's always a way to be a part of the Turkey Trot, even with physical limitations, because its not really about running. Its about getting together with your community to help others and have fun❤

[@EveryDayALittleDeath]

Last Story: This was a perfect time to bring out the "Yes Virginia" editorial. It's a very famous editorial first published in 1897 in New York's The Sun newspaper. Basically an eight year old girl named Virginia wrote the editor asking if Santa was real because kids at school said there wasn't, and her father said "if you see it in The Sun, it must be so". And the editor wrote back, and said that of course he's real, he's as real as all the intangible things like creativity and kindness and love, and that if everyone stopped believing in Santa and other fairy-tale beings, the world would be darker and colder and plainer. It's how my dad explained the truth about Santa to me, when i noticed at around nine that the letters Santa left me had the same handwriting as the letters the Easter Bunny left me. (So i guess i did get forensic on Santa) Also there definitely was a historical Saint Nicholas, and some of his story did inspire the Santa myth.

[@SuperEkkorn]

My husband made me advent calendars the first few years after we married, I never asked, but I used to love Christmas, and my mum made them for me up until then (he used the one she embroidered when I was little). Thing is, I was not expecting big things, I was happy with tiny things (small plushies/chocolates/silly toys etc, in the £1-3 range, it was the thought and love that mattered. I now do it for my son, and even if some are bigger, most are around £2-5, he's happy with getting anything at all, he knows it's a lot of work with homemade advent calendars, most of his friends got storebought, and now they don't get any (they're all around 15-17 now). That wife is incredibly entitled.

[@oliverhalewood3364]

Shaaba is that one person you could imagine going to if you had a problem. You know she'd give the best non biased opinions and actually care too 😊😊

[@EveryDayALittleDeath]

Third story: Not the Asshole. My partner got me a lovely dice advent calendar (because we're dnd nerds) and i understood that it was my Christmas present because money is a bit tight this year. I absolutely loved all the dice, they were gorgeous.

[@katherinehaidara2967]

A dice advent calendar sounds amazing!

[@omni-one376]

fun fact: in germany (idk if everywhere, but at least the part where I'm from) we actually celebrate st Nikolaus day on the 6. December, kinds would clean their shoes (usually their winter boots) and leave them out for st Nikolaus, on the morning of the 6. you'd then find a smaller gift and often some candy in or next too the shoes this tradition comes from sayings about a bishop that probably really existed and likely also inspired some parts of the santa we know today

[@tinaa091]

In Croatia, too.. 😊

[@omni-one376]

@@tinaa091 good to know 💜

[@marial870]

Slovakia and Czech republic too. And then on Christmas it is supposed to be little Jesus who brings the presents instead of Santa Claus, but I always found that suspicious as a kid.

[@rai1578]

Physically disabled person here! The first story is VERY clear cut to me. OP is absolutely NTA. It can be frustrating how many things I can't participate in, but that doesn't mean I don't want other people to be able to enjoy those things. Some things, by their nature, can never be accessible to everyone. And that's okay. I'd understand feeling a bit frustrated if Jim was the only one not participating and would have to be alone, but like.... the son can stay with his partner, the grandma already doesn't do the race, it's not like it excludes HIM specifically. It's just something he can't do, and that sucks, but it doesn't make others wrong for wanting to do the race. Absolutely NTA.

[@sinimeg]

With the second one I was thinking “Crowley, is that you?” Lmao. And the wife being Aziraphale xD They found their way to our world and learnt to use reddit xD And with the Santa Claus one, I thought that it was a well known fact that the whole thing is based on a real Saint (though is still being discussed who, since there’s a few saints all over the world that could have been the original Santa Claus. Like Saint Nicholas, a greek bishop from the Roman Empire that helped a poor family in secret by leaving a bag of coins at their door at night).

[@embersun.]

When I was a kid and found out that my parents were the ones putting the Christmas presents from Santa under our tree, I then became convinced that Santa still existed but only went to the houses of people whose parents couldn't afford to be Santa. My thought process was that there was no way Santa could actually go to everyone's house in one night so most parents had to be "Santa's Helpers" and do the Christmas presents for their families if they could afford to do so.

[@BadAttitudesPodcast]

I'm commenting my thoughts before listening to Shaaba's. I'm disabled (wheelchair user) and my dad (non-disabled) has been an active runner for my entire life. When I was growing up, he would often participate in races (5ks mostly). Occasionally, my mom, sister, (also both non-disabled) and I would participate in the 1-mile fun run if there was one, but more often than not, we would just show up to support him. He's way more physically active than any of us. All this to say, it's not exclusionary to participate in an event someone else can't take part in, unless you are PURPOSEFULLY excluding them. This sounds like an established tradtion that is OPTIONAL. No one seems to be expected to take part and no one is punished for not participating. This is NOT the same thing as the family who chose an inaccessible Christmas holiday to a ski resort, which their son-in-law could not attend. It's not an entire vacation; it's a few hours early in the day. It sounds like other family members opt not to take part, and just come to the house after OP is back from the race. Which is completely acceptable. Son-in-law's disablility is pretty ambiguous. "Having trouble walking" could mean any number of things. Concievably, he could have participated by supporting the racers or by taking part in the fun run, if that was an option. Personally, I would be happy to opt out because it would mean I could sleep a little longer, LOL. I do wonder if the objection is actually coming from the son-in-law, or from the son. If it's the latter, the son is overreacting, and it probably doesn't bother the son-in-law as much as is being portrayed.

[@vocalsunleashed]

1. NTA in my opinion. My disability is not physical (autism and ADHD), but I don't expect people around me to not do things just because I can't do them. 2. YTA, you are not just mean but also cheating by engaging with her plant in a negative way. 3. NTA, the wife is awfully entitled. I would just say sure but then you have to make one for me too using your own money to buy the gifts. 4. NTA, she asked directly and she's old enough to know.

[@samariamccord4302]

Im disabled, I can't walk very far and I cannot run at all, and I use canes or a wheelchair when I'm away from home. I would feel terrible if my family cancelled traditional events because of me. Especially if I could just chill with Grandma instead. (All of my grandparents are gone now, appreciate your elders while you have them, they have so much knowledge and lore to share!) I don't understand why someone would want to use their partner's disability to put out their family of origin like this. Very main character syndrome

[@princessofhell4639]

The plant one was so hilarious to me because all I could imagine was Crowley shouting "grow better" at his plants the entire time

[@kaileychambers6969]

I don't remember exactly what age I was when I figured out Santa wasn't real, but i was definitely younger than 10. Santa used the same wrapping paper as my parents and I voiced suspicion about that. Wasn't a huge deal to me, just felt smart for figuring it out myself. That being said my grandmother ruined Santa for my little sister when she was like 5, and my parents and I were all pissed. To be fair it was mostly because she did it too young and it was a petty thing about Santa ruining the fact that it should be about jesus, which was just screwed up of her to do. I think its a grey area, cause it should be up to the parents to inform their child of the truth, but you also need to make sure to not keep up the lie for so long.

[@Pink_Sinthetic]

They used the same paper? That'll do it. I know my parents had all the regular family wrapping stuff in a closet upstairs. They hid the Santa Stuff in dad's workshop in the basement. I remember one time after I knew about Santa and my sister's didn't we were playing some sort of game where we were looking for things and I opened one of the cabinets in the shop, quickly clocked onto what I saw and closed it all up again and quickly guided my sister out of the room as well. lol I feel like a lot of kids end up finding out through finding presents or making those associations with wrapping paper, or other little things they clue into. And especially when it's one of those times when you find the present like 5 months prior and then clock it at Christmas, you're probably old enough for the talk. XD

[@AliceSylph]

I'm disabled with an assistance dog and, especially since getting an assistance dog, I've had to be much more aware of activities others want to do, from calling ahead to make sure we won't have access problems, to not going to family events like swimming, or even just planning doggy toilet breaks in the day etc. My family has been very accommodating, but I would never expect them not to do something just because I couldn't do it too, especially when it's only a small part of the day, like a morning run before spending dinner and the rest of the day together. It can be a bit hurtful and difficult if they then spend the rest of the day talking about that one activity I couldn't participate in though. In general I do think it's my disability, my auxiliary aid, therefore my responsibility; just because I may not be able to do things doesn't mean I expect everyone else around me to stop doing what they enjoy

[@lenaertsjelke]

Hearing your whole rant about how Santa could potentially, maybe have been a real person a long time ago drove me nuts because YOU ARE RIGHT. Here in Belgium we celebrate Sinterklaas, which is based on a real Saint Nicolas, and it is commonly believed that when the Dutch had colonies in America that celebration spread and turned into Santa Claus. Watcher actually did a pretty fun video on him for their Puppet History show, that I highly recommend watching to know more.

[@eline6731]

Yeah ngl, when she said that my brain was screaming GOOGLE IT, because he was real! 😂

[@TheNamekianClown]

The 2nd one, the plant thing, was tested by Mythbusters, and the result was actually more interesting than the common "talking to your plants help them grow". It was actually based on the amount and volume of sound. They tested control plants, plants with a recording of people talking nicely, recording of people yelling, recording of classical music and recording of heavy metal, and the louder and most constant sounds produced the best effects. So actually, yelling mean things at your plants would make it grow better than softly saying nice things, and if you want to really make it grow pull out the heavy metal.

[@raspberry_froggy4998]

i love how my parents portrayed santa in my house growing up. They did let us believe in santa, but they also emphasized the importance of gifts from mom and dad. Only small gifts would be from santa and they wrote other characters names on the tags aswell. For example, play food may be from Gordon ramsey or dress-up stuff may be from barbie. There was never a moment were my sister and i sobbed because Santa wasnt real, we just kind of realized and played pretend. I’m a teenager now and my parents still have fun with writing fun names on gift tags and hiding elf on the shelf around the house, its still so fun.

[@chaoticartistz1260]

I actually have kinda a similar experience to the last story, I found out when I was like 7, but my best friend didn’t know at 11, they asked me why they were getting bullied for it, and if santa actually existed, I remember how devastated I was when I found out (i was a very emotional child 😭), so I told them he was real. They found out at some other time, but didn’t hold it against me because it wasn’t my place to tell them the truth.

[@Vahlee-A]

Hi Shaaba! I don't celebrate Christmas anymore. I saw something really bad on X, something Christmas-related, that permanently took me out of the holiday. I'm trans and American. I hate it here and I'm scared.

[@wilyriley_]

from one trans scared American to another, stay safe out there (even though that’s very difficult these days)

[@twinning1944]

Stay safe, Kia kaha (stay strong). You are valid and loved

[@Ellpep]

don't let what bigoted arseholes on twitter say make you stop having a good day and celebrating whatever/however you want to if tweets from strangers on the Internet are affecting you that badly I would highly suggest deleting the app (ik easier said than done) but it's a super toxic vocal minority on twitter, especially now that it's X, they're just uneducated and sad and probably also pretty scared but theyre trying to drag everyone else down with them insead of healing themselves

[@kimstover628]

My husband has a disability due to a brain injury. There are some things he can't do with us due to sensory overload. But he doesn't want us to miss out on things, so some things he sits out or just does for some of the time. In other words, we find a compromise that allows him to not feel left out, but also not restricting our kids' experiences.

[@sharonsomers5342]

Story 4 - My son believed in Santa until he was 15. That was abnormal. But he was quiet about it and said he didn't believe. I had 2 kids. One was my son, 2 years older than my stepchild (nb so I am using stepchild/stepkid to differentiate from my son as I can't just use child/kid as that would be very confusing even though I don't call them my stepchild/stepkid IRL). I got my stepchild in a BOGO deal when marrying their dad. They did Christmas morning with their mom and they got boatloads of toys (one year they got both the latest Wii and Playstation plus 10 games, for example. We gave both kids equal amounts and value of stuff because to do otherwise would be unfair. It's not the stepchild's fault that they are in a custody battle and my son doesn't have another side of the family (long story cut for time). So Santa always hooked him up. It was one place where we could give him something very nice just for him. We struggled with money, so I put aside money all year to do this. I didn't feel bad because Santa hooked the stepkid up at their mom's. Unbeknownst to me he quietly believed in Santa because every year he would secretly write a letter and send it to Santa. Due to a comical turn of events, what he asked for always ended up in the stocking. One year he asked for proof and everything in the stocking was Santa-themed. One year he asked for ways to bond with his dad and he got a bear dressed up in a military uniform. He asked his dad about formation drilling and they used the bear to show how it was done. I nailed it every single year. Whatever test he mailed out to Santa I passed. When he was 15 he asked my brother whether Santa was real and my brother confirmed he wanted to know. So he told him. He was very sad, but my brother helped him realize how hard we worked to balance out the issues that came from his little sibling getting thousands of dollars in presents we couldn't afford. Our budget was $200 for everybody. My stepkid knew from age 4 as their mom told them. I asked them not to ruin it for their big brother and they didn't (all credit to them for that). So when he really wanted to know, he was told. And I respect my brother for that. Children go to the person they trust to tell them the truth and I'm so glad my son had somebody who he trusted to tell him the truth gently. And I'm so proud of my brother for making the decision that the truth about Santa wasn't worth ruining that open line of communication. My son had asked me when he was younger and when I checked to see if he was sure he backed off. He didn't want to lose that special gift just for him and he was afraid if I knew he knew then he wouldn't get that special gift. The one thing that wasn't shared with a stepsibling who was given thousands of dollars of stuff already. Not the monetary value, the exclusiveness of it. The idea was that their younger sibling had everything they had plus another house full of toys, but they didn't have a military bear. The bear, btw, cost $5 at a secondhand store. Hilariously, when I was a kid, my Mom borrowed my neighbor's huge boots to leave prints in the fireplace. You better believe we checked whether they matched my dad or my mom's foot size. That bought them a few more years. I totally understand the forensic tests! But I treated every year as if they both believed because I remember saying "I don't believe" when I did and having my mom assume I didn't believe because of that and it spoiled it for me. So I left it alone. I also didn't want to lose the one way I had of equalizing a bit of the imbalance. So maybe that was selfish of me. They both understood the logic of it and if I didn't have absolute faith that they would understand I would not have done it that way. It would have hurt my stepchild to not have equal presents from me as it would mean I didn't consider them equal to my biological child. And I absolutely do.

[@xdcebraxd2981]

For the first Story I would recommend to op to talk to Jim and ask him directly on how to deal with his situation, and how he feels the most comfortable to be treated and how the family can make adjustments. They then can also ask him how important it is for him to participate in the trot and if they can find a compromise on how to deal with traditions like this. And especially the should make clear that it was never the intention to make him feel excluded or not welcome in their family.

[@LeftieLoosie]

A new tradition my kids and I started this year is going to the local animal shelter the last day they’re open before the holiday… donating food and supplies for the cats, and then spending time socializing and playing with all the cats awaiting adoption. We have done this randomly in the past but making it part of our Holiday was important to my seven year old. She loves animals and hates the thought of cats not having a home or humans to play with. Was great for us and so fun but was also great for the cats who had so much fun playing and chasing around my kids…. Even the couple of cats the workers said had no experience with small kids, seemed to have fun and be curious of the kids and want to play with them! Even my toddler had a few kitties that just loved his presence and wanted to snuggle up to him! We will be doing it throughout the year also… but it will be a part of our Christmas traditions from now on too.

[@TheLizzieGrace]

When I was little and I asked my mom if Santa was real, she paused and said "Do you really want to know?" I thought about it for a second and went "Nope!" and then never brought it up again. I eventually figured it out, but we never talked about it again.

[@pengoyo6943]

There is no consensus in the scientific literature on whether talking/singing to plants helps plants. This is because there are mixed results and each study is done differently, so it is hard to compare them (also plants are a more diverse group than animals so it's hard to make any sweeping claims about the whole group). But from my understanding the most likely reason plants do better when you talk/sing to them is that you pay more attention and so are more likely to notice when you should water them. In terms of direct effects, plants grow stronger and more upright with vibration (the greenhouse I worked in had fans in it to circulate the air for this reason). So talking/singing to it could help vibrate the air in a way that helps stimulate this sturdier growth. Also some plants that are pollinated by insects do listen for certain frequencies when determining if they should flower (tomatoes being an example). So talking/singing (or better yet buzzing) could also stimulate more flowering in such plants. In terms of CO2 hypothesis, while CO2 does help plants grow, I haven't seen any study indicate that talking/singing increases the CO2 that the plant can take up (any more than you just breathing in the same room). Also lots of plants do most or all of their gas exchange at night to conserve water. So even if there was a CO2 increase around the plant from talking/singing to it, the timing could still off. Though before anyone starts talking/singing to their plant at night, plants also need O2 (especially the non-photosynthensizing parts of the plant, which is the entire plant at night). Though, just like the CO2, I have not seen any study looking at if talking/singing deprives plants of the oxygen they need. My take away would be if talking/singing to your plants brings you joy then do it. But don't feel obligated to do it if that's not your thing. Also I agree the guy deserves the YTA badge, because even if the science doesn't back up that bad-mouthing plants hurt their growth (there are mixed results on whether yelling at plants helps or hurts then, presumably due to the change in volume and frequency of the sound), his intention definitely was to. Love the content Shaaba

[@Sparkling34]

insulting your wife's plants to win a plant growing competition is so funny

[@OtakuBakaNeko]

So for the plant one, OP wasn't even effectively sabotaging. The most comprehensive study determined that there was little difference in the kind words and mean ones, but potentially (ie, needs more study) more the variation in frequencies.

[@inktheocto6223]

Shaaba’s tiny little Santa hat brought me so much instant joy

[@devrenee7223]

For the advent calendar one, I also think it's ridiculous that she asked him to make a 24 day advent calendar just over a week before it was meant to start. If she wanted something handmade that badly, she should've AT LEAST asked a solid month in advance, especially since he already bought some of her Christmas gifts

[@CheshirePhrog]

Does no one remember Crowley emotionally abusing his house plants into being the most amazing house plants in the world in Good Omens? Maybe this guy is actually helping his wife?

[@mothmankickflip]

I saw somewhere (probably Tumblr I spent too much time on that site) that someone told their kids, once they were old enough, that "Santa" was the spirit of gift giving and sharing joy with the people you love around Christmas, to allow them to believe Santa is "real", but also not a true person, and so they can understand once they're old enough that it was their family giving gifts rather than a jolly stranger.

[@InThisEssayIWill...]

Oh.. man.. I'm going to take inspiration from the advent calendar one actually.. my partner and I are always left scratching our heads for Christmas when it comes to gifting for each other (we generally buy whatever we want/need throughout the year as it arises.. yes i know we're very privileged to be in this stage of life/have disposable income) but it leaves the kids looking at us wondering why we don't have any presents. I actually love the idea of doing an advent calendar for each other and just filling it with silly little things like candy or chapstick or socks! Also op is nta.

[@leobeboop4944]

Story 1- I don't see why they couldn't find SOME way to let Jim join in. He might not be able to participate the same way that the able bodied people can but surely there is SOME way to adapt the turkey trot to include him.

[@thomasatyeo1765]

So, I noticed that this wasn't mentioned, so I thought I'd chime in to give Shaaba peace of mind. Around the 19th century, or thereabouts, there was a wealthy Dutch merchant named Nikolaas Klaus who would historically give away gifts to children from a large bag.

[@flashthemonkey6032]

Oooooh, podcast? Very phone-battery-efficient for me, and will sure fill that podcast-shaped void that has been left by one that has been… effectively “shadow-cancelled” by the looks of it.

[@CoreyT97]

Which one? I'm intrigued 😅😂

[@flashthemonkey6032]

@@CoreyT97 it’s “Erin is The Funny One”.

[@rosesaresilent]

Saint Nicolas (santa claus) was at the council of nicea! So yes, real person, real Saint, the story of him bringing presents is based upon him secretly paying yhe dowries for a poor man's three daughters by flinging coins though his window! As an autie I think I wasn't the only one that sussed out that the classic Coca-Cola santa wasn't real very early on, but I love appreciating all the cultural legends and traditions that came out of the story of St Nicolas ♡

[@Cinnamon_Cleric]

Whether or not Santa is real isn't the point. I found out Santa wasn't real when I was four because I got a homemade gift from Santa, while the kids in my preschool got things like easy bake ovens, barbies, and nintendos. The options were believe that I was a bad kid so I didn't get fancy presents, OR believe that my mom had worked so hard to make my gift and loved me so much that *that* was the real magic of Christmas. (It was a plush doll with an embroidered face and black yarn hair, and I still have her to this day.) I let my mom think I still believed in Santa for a long time because being able to be Santa made her so happy.

[@gameaccount7704]

As a disabled person, I'd say nta. They gave them options to do, I'm sure grandma may have enjoyed the company or spent more time together before coming!! I think Jims partner may just be someone who loved participating and would not feel comfortable asking his partner to do something else they're comfortable with doing whilst he took part. Perhaps they could have organised another tradition for the day so as Jim can feel a part of that and it would give ppl who dont participate in the trot more options and perhaps get more of a party going.

[@loramartin8525]

Turkey trots are usually short and can be run using a wheelchair. Disabled people CAN participate.

[@cassthemusicgal]

My family does the Turkey Trot every year, so I kinda want to give my POV about the first story. First of all, I think there's a difference between having a tradition that a new family member isn't able to do versus creating new traditions when said new family member joins the family. OP's family has been going the Turkey Trot yearly, and expecting them to give it up just because the son's partner can't do it seems inconsiderate of the rest of the family. The son has to decide what he wants to do, and is under no obligation to do the Turkey Trot, but he can't force his decision on the rest of his family. So the Turkey Trot is a 5k running event every Thanksgiving. There are a ton of Turkey Trots across the US, and there are designated places for people who go to support their friends or family who are running. I feel like it would be a cute date to go to the event with your family and partner and then just hang out while cheering on the runners in your life. I did my first Turkey Trot this year, and I chose to walk it. I feel like the event I went to specifically is very supportive of everyone who shows up, and there are just as many walkers as runners. My Turkey Trot also donated money raised from the race to the Epilepsy Foundation, which isn't the case for every Turkey Trot, but there are ones that are "runs for a cause" that people could try to go to for a compromise maybe? All this is to say that I feel like op was fully in the right. He didn't force his son and partner to attend, but he also chose to run a 5k on Thanksgiving with a lot of his other family. I am still curious to hear other people's thoughts, as I really only come from this as an able bodied person who doesn't like to run haha

[@Ireallywouldrathernot]

I'm disabled, I think it's weird to expect the family to lose a whole tradition just for one person. It's not like it takes all day and there is a place for them to go hang out.

[@kate1618]

thanks for just another video of this kind, I love your thoughts and opinions, while not always agreeing, and how you present them so respect- and thoughtfully. Love this format! However, I was a little baffled you apparently don't know about Saint Nicholas of Myra, the supposed person behind the legend of all these traditions by kinda doing what you described there. So I just thought I'd state it here because while the stories about him are kind of a legend as well, of course (him living around the year 300, if I remember correctly), there is quite some evidence about him and his actions and them being the foundation for a lot of the traditions between the 6th of december and the 6th of january.

[@heikenel3499]

The story I've always been told about Santa's origin is that there was once a man who was wealthy, but also kind and humble. Next to him lived a poor man who had three daughters. When it was time for the eldest daughter to marry, her father was worried, as he couldn't afford a wedding. The wealthy man decided to help, but knowing that the neighbour was proud and wouldn't take charity, the man snuck onto the roof of the neighbours house and dropped a handful of golden coins down the chimney. The neighbor was very grateful for this mysterious gift. The same thing happened when the second daughter wanted to marry. When the time came for the third daughter to get married, they decided to hang her stockings inside the chimney to catch the coins. Rumors of this started to spread through their village, and people started hanging stockings on their chimneys during desperate times in hopes of receiving a similar mysterious gift

[@Dyejob01]

The Advent Calendar & Elf on a shelf are just ways to count down to Christmas. If someone wants to have a close family meeting with gifts for every day, then everyone needs to discuss this BEFORE hand. And if parents want teachers to lie to their 11 year Olds about Santa, then mom should have done something to make that happen BEFORE it became a problem. Seems to me that COMMUNICATION is lacking all around this AH chat!!! Merry Christmas, everyone ❤️ ♥️

[@twinning1944]

First one, NTA; it’s just part of the day and Jim wasn’t excluded from the events, just this part that not everyone participated in anyway.

[@RubiByron]

As a disabled person who cannot run the turkey trot even though it is a family tradition I would NEVER expect them to cancel. I just meet everyone after the race and we get donuts. One person not being able to do something isn't a reason to drop the whole thing, Jim and partner can find a different way to join that tradition, like by stopping in throughout the race ahead of time and giving them drinks or sm.

[@RubiByron]

Also I don't think that anyone actually asked Jim if he cares, if he does I understand where he's coming from but no one asked him so we don't know

[@rage_of_aquarius]

Every year my family takes a hike the day after thanksgiving and then go back to my Nana's house for a lunch buffet of leftovers. My other grandmother is obese and can't walk much, sonshe only joins us for the lunch portion. She doesn't feel left out, and neither did my grandfather when he was in renal failure and weak from dialysis.

[@math_ghost4092]

1st one. As a disabled person, I personally wouldn't mind the people doing the race. Running is painful anyway. Also a turkey trot is just a thanksgiving themed race.

[@miaik-]

I feel like the Christmas calendar thing should be requested waaaaayyyy before Christmas, like in May or June or sth. It can be expensive and the husband (?) has already bought gifts. Especially if she wants it to have things like makeup products etc. it can become very expensive and if it's requested in October or November, it may not be financially realistic to get 24 (or 25) nice things, especially if the receiver doesn't want things like "back massage" or "movie night!" that can be free. This should've been "Hey, I've already gotten you something great for Christmas, maybe I can get you that Christmas calendar next year, so I can invest in something actually nice things in it"

[@bumbley.umbley]

As a (physically) disabled person, something I really love about our community is how creative we can be. I think those suggestions one redditor gave were awesome. It’s not all or nothing, but rather thinking outside what you see as limitations to create inclusion and maybe make new traditions in the process.

[@jadethest0ne]

For the Santa story, I think, like you, I would've directed the kid to talk to their parents. From a personal anecdote - I believed in Santa until I was 10 when I caught my parents putting presents under the tree. I really liked the talk I had with them and their explanation of why they kept telling me about Santa. They basically said that they believed in what Santa stood for and that they wanted that magic to be in my childhood. We then played with the game console that they had been initially wrapping up for me, but let me play with early. It was a good night and a good way to have that "reveal" I could see why the parent was upset of not being able to have a moment like that, but I also don't think OP was an asshole either.

[@bleistiftkritzler7275]

About the whole Santa used to be a real person thing ,I think you would be interested in learning about Saint Nicholas. Idk how well he’s known internationally but here in Germany we do celebrate Saint Nicholas Day . There isn’t much known about the real history of Saint Nicholas so most we have includes legends etc . But he is the person that Santa Claus is based on ,at least from my knowledge. The German history of Saint Nicholas Day with it’s different forms of celebration throughout history and time is also quite interesting. Especially with the Figure of Knecht Ruprecht who accomanies the holy Nicholas . Our family ( and a lot of others in our region ,idk how much difference there is between regions ) would celebrate Saint Nicholas Day ( which is on the 6th December btw ) by the kids cleaning their shoes and putting them outside their room the night before the 6th( some families alternatively have stockings that are placed / hung up ) and in the morning you would find treats in it . Traditionally things like nuts and apples would be placed in it I believe. Nowadays it’s still nuts and fruits (mandarins popular in my region ) but ofc things like chocolates too .I think this is also where the giving coal thing comes from since when you haven’t been nice coal would be in it instead ,but I don’t know many families who actually still do that part of the tradition,at least from my experience. Honestly there’s so much more interesting things I could talk about from the German Holiday to the Legends associated to Saint Nicholas. But I think that’s plenty of text already. Idk , thought ya could find this interesting Shaaba so hope it is at least mildly interesting for ya .

[@toosolidcuuj]

The Christmas I was 10 I decided to wait by the tree and catch Santa. I fell asleep, but my mom and I had a conversation later, very similar to the one op had with her niece, and I was very happy to give gifts to my younger siblings the next year. Maybe op should've told her niece to talk to her parents about it, but she's not an asshole for not doing so

[@pombefemale]

In my opinion....the 1st one is easy: nta. It was only one event that the son in law couldnt participate in and its a tradition. The other example u gave ( the one that the mom booked a lodge that the father couldnt get to) is completly different because that means he cant be there at all, for the whole weekend or week ......op there was defiinitly the asshole.

[@lilpetz500]

There's something so cute about Shaaba being so passionate against bullying plants, like she has a real point don't bully them!! It doesn't matter if plants can understand it, it's the intentions and capacity to be that mean that's concerning. But yeah the Santa thing is a thing. I was told the story it's based on in French class as a kid and have since found various sources backing it up and elaborating on it, and actually do consider it a more constructive idea to teach kids that it was a historic moment for kids and their family members to emulate, and I don't consider it worthwhile to lie. Basically, St Nicholas was literally a Saint in a small European town, often depicted as a man of an average build in a green, fur trimmed robe. There were three young girls in poverty locally who hang their literal stockings up on the fireplace to dry on nights they'd wash them, I've heard some telling actually say these girls unfortunately would even have to go into prostitution for money, which is a point that could be left out for kids, basically they were in need. The historic Saint on the night of Christmas snuck down their chimney and left a donation of money and gifts in their stockings to help them have a better life. I like this story because it makes the figure less about being the man that give some kids playstations and some just a bag of lollies, and as a kid from a low income household, I wish my Mum could've credited herself more as the one who got my gifts in the spirit of Santa rather than attributing something that was hard for her to do to some random man. We have a younger step sibling in the family this year, and she took my joke suggestion for Christmas fun while wrapping, to put a bunch of different random names on the gifts from Santa, from Mr Christmas, from Krampus, from Baby Jesus himself (we're not even religious)

[@lucypreece7581]

I hope everyone had a better day than me. I was working, I started on my period and I have a throat infection so this has been one of my worst Christmases ever and that is not an exaggeration. So this video is much appreciated to cheer me up.

[@twinning1944]

Hope you feel better soon. Be kind to yourself and find a cute treat for you to pick you up x

[@SteMegManzaroli]

Hugs from another throat-infected girl! 🤗

[@emmynoether9540]

Periods suck, infections suck. I'm there with you and giving you a hug, some treats and a heat blanket and some sage tea and sage hard candy for your throat. ❤

[@lucypreece7581]

​@@twinning1944 Thanks. I would get myself a treat but I am low on money and currently trying to eat food feels like I am swallowing knives.

[@lucypreece7581]

@@emmynoether9540 hard candy is not a good idea. trying to swallow ood at the moment feels like I am swallowing knives.

[@kated2147]

I’m currently crocheting 24 mini stockings to make a custom reusable Advent Calendar. I’m planning to put candies, chapsticks, little things in each one for my husband and I. I’m excited for it and think it will work great as the years go and our family grows, no need for 4 advent calendars with shitty chocolate, we can get things we actually enjoy to count up to Christmas. We could also do little baggies with treats for our cats or whatever we want really!

[@mbncd]

In the first story, there are a couple of reasons that the turkey trot may be taken personally. Firstly, if the disabled person is a child or teenager or otherwise just very immature, and secondly, if they're not yet in the acceptance stage of whatever traumatic event may have made them disabled. It takes empathy towards others to understand that the world doesn't have to stop doing things you can't do, and those who are too young or facing too heavy an emotional burden of their own often can't see things from other people's points of view. That isn't to say that they're a bad person. They're suffering and don't understand why they're "the only one". Family members should be understanding but not coddling because that only delays a better outlook on life. When someone stops their own pity party, it's good for them, it lets them move on and learn and experience everything that is still out there in their life. Yes, there will always be limitations and there will be times to compromise and there will absolutely be times to advocate and create change that benefits themselves and others, but there are also times to recognise their own self worth and things that they can do even when others are doing something else. The comments already brought up lots of alternatives, be they wheel chair racing alongside the other foot runners, or making signs, refreshments, etc. It might even just be a good morning to sleep in and cuddle with hubby, or go for a romantic drive, or cook, or whatever, since you don't have to be there as early as others. I'm sorry if what I've said sounds harsh (I'm autistic and don't have subtlety down for how to mince words on this stuff) but it really is a lesson that all of us with disabilities have to learn to deal with: The world doesn't stop doing what you can't do and you have to pick your battles or you'll kill yourself in the endless wars. One option for what to do with some people during part of a day with those people and others is not the family being exclusionary. It's just something some are choosing to do and you're free to join them if you wish or see them in other parts of the day. That's what options are all about. So long as it isn't "the only real option" (like the only people not going are toddlers and there's some strange judgement associated with it), just do what makes you happy. Not everyone has to do everything and that's more than ok, it's a good thing!

[@hjones911]

As a disabled person, I'd hate people to give up traditions because I can't participate in the same way as them. The event could possibly be adapted or I'd show up for support, or come later. What I would say is that if the person is newly impaired, there might be a lot of emotional stuff for the disabled person which could make it more upsetting

[@wonderbugone]

I fully respect parents who decide not to do Santa, but will forever defend the validity of telling kids he's real. It was was absolutely magical to believe in that as a child and I am so grateful to my parents that I got to experience that magic and belief in Santa, the Easter bunny, and the tooth fairy. The anticipation, the fun, the joy? I wouldn't trade those memories for anything

[@osheridan]

Funny story, I stopped believing in Santa quite young, but before I did I lived with my mum and nobody else, and I have insomnia so I'd have noticed if she went out. So my grandma would come over to deliver the gifts, and once she flashed this red light under the door. I was SO excited because I thought it was Rudolph! So magical

[@Persepholeigh]

RE: First story: I have lordosis at the base of my spine, and I have to be very careful or else it can go out very easily and I'm bedridden for days. This has been an issue every since I was fourteen, and has only gotten worse with age. This means doing a lot of things to keep strain off my back, including using a corset as a back brace [hourglass hips have a particular shape, so back braces just slips up to my waist, if any other hourglasses want the tip]. There are a lot of things I can't do, including being unable to sit on certain seats or go hiking, or anything that puts extra stress on my lower back. Every time people try to cancel plans or stuff, especially stuff with kids, I always feel so guilty and insist they do it. I'll be here when they get back, we can do things together then.

[@kiryanna]

I definitely don't think the last OP is the a**hole for telling their niece Santa isn't real. If she's old enough to ask the question, she deserves an honest answer. I also have to wonder, given her father's reaction to OP telling her, if she asked OP because she didn't think she'd get that from her father

[@unapologeticallylizzy]

My sister and I figured out the Father Christmas thing by ourselves when I was around eight or nine. Honestly, the big key was that my grandad was Santa at our church Christmas fair. In the past, it really sold it for me how much Father Christmas knew about my family and life but eventually, I noticed that Father Christmas was wearing my grandad's wellies and asked my mum about it quite soon after that.

[@caitlinreuterskiold5828]

My Christmas tradition that most people don't do is that I put a little clue as to what the gift is in the "from" section of the gift tag. For example, got my kid a Hunger Games book set and the tag said "To: [my kid] From: the Hanging Tree"

[@5210smile]

When my daughter asked, I asked her if she wanted to believe. When she said "yes" I said we shouldn't continue the conversation. That was a few years ago, she's 11 now, 12 in March. I've never actually said he exists and won't, but I'm going to let her hold into the magic for as long as she wants. I'd be livid if someone else attempted to have that convo without me. I didn't even intend to do santa at all, but my husband was not on the same page so I compromised.

[@orionspero560]

24:29 Eleven is that age where parents are still desperately trying to pretend that their kids believe in santa when they haven't for years. At eleven, about two thirds of parents have figured not out that the kids figured it out. The average age for the parents to get a clue that the kids have a clue as twelve, whereas the average age for the kids to actually know is six