TikTok tattletales need to CHILL: the ethics of stranger surveillance 👁️‍🗨️

[@Riddler577]

Wasn't there also a tiktok recently where someone on a plane saw the guy next to them text 2 different women "i love you" and when the story blew up and got back to him it turned out it was literally his wife and daughter.. Like people really need to mind their own business when they have zero context for someone else's life..

[@Vesperad0]

That's embarrassing. There's so many different possibilities for a person doing something, and to jump to one conclusion when you have no idea who the other person is?? Thankfully I haven't come across this kind of surveillance much, I've been too depressed to open tiktok (which is ironically backwards for most people), but I really hate this notion of holding random strangers ""accountable"" for something that only involves them. It feels weird how the idea of ""cancel culture"" and ""holding someone accountable for their actions"" went from child predators and violent, horrible people to people with mental health struggles and random people having their own complicated lives. Was it that hard to keep your wrath against the people actually causing harm, rather than nameless people getting worldwide attention for one thing?

[@DefyReality-ll2cg]

@@Vesperad0 THIS!

[@sandpiperr]

@@Vesperad0 Yes! And, honestly, even if it was two different girlfriends, and he is cheating it's not a consensual poly situation, it's still none of your business unless you're one of said girlfriends! You aren't holding him accountable because who are you to do that? And you aren't looking out for a fellow woman, you're just being a busybody and using a someone's pain for content. You're no different than the old lady in your neighborhood who's constantly watching the comings and goings at everyone else's house because she likes to gossip!

[@elainelouve]

​@@sandpiperrexactly! Btw I'm poly and terrified of the new trend of cancelling people for cheating. I'm married, and already lost a friend when I came out as poly. It was due to this attitude + people not understanding the concept of polyamory.

[@ohnonotagain8935]

People need to relearn how to mind their own business

[@satyasyasatyasya5746]

This stuff is the perfect example of "a surveillance state is not when the government watches you, its when everyone watches eachother."

[@vaska00762]

Is it any surprise this is a TikTok trend???

[@ericm215]

Dun duun duuuun🎶🎙️It wouldnt be so bad is it wasnt so mean spirited. Its a weasels utopia🤢

[@EmissaryofWind]

The government doesn't have nearly enough manpower to watch everyone, it's way more efficient to outsource it for free

[@RememberTheDead]

Michel Foucault is absolutely wilding from beyond the grave going "I TOLD YOU DAWG, I TOLD YOU ABOUT THE PANOPTICON".

[@lowwastehighmelanin]

Panopticon

[@icicleend]

The thing that really makes me uncomfortable is how gleeful some of it is. The tiktok with the woman with her hair in buns had a grin on her face while saying all of that and it felt less like "I'm trying to help someone out" and more "This is juicy gossip!" Same deal with the guy trying to find Marissa--big grin on his face. This is going to sound weird but it reminds me of the true crime fandom because of the tendency to see others as sources of stories or drama instead of real people with feelings.

[@lujorom9172]

!!!!

[@DrAnarchy69]

It makes sense because both of these genres are based on commodification of others' suffering. True crime being the commodification of the suffering of victims but often also the suffering of perpetrators at the hands of the (inherently Fascist institutionally) police. Not to mention these genres very much play into the carceral mindset that fucks over most people.

[@welcometostairscorp]

I see your point, but uncomfortable feelings and anger for someone that's being wronged can manifest in nervous laughter and smiling, especially if you're saying something fast without preparation to get the word out. It's a soothing thing for your own nervousness and it's a more socially acceptable show of emotion. Also there's pleasure in knowing that there could be revenge for the person that would never have known if some of these people wouldn't say anything. But it's just one side of a multifaceted motivation behind this kind of content.

[@dionysus_adores]

Public shamming have always been gross. This is a whole new level of ick.

[@swiftlyaswiftie]

Exactly!! And her making a point to say how she didn't tip and stuff, it's so obvious that she only cared about 'calling her out' because of her own vandetta against her. I mean people cheat at those kind of clubs all the time and get away with it

[@GothVampiress]

stranger surveillance is something that horrifies me as a stalking victim. i cannot post images of myself online or put my name or real image on any social media accounts due to my experiences, and the idea of a total stranger taking away a privacy that i've worked hard to keep and whose absence puts me at risk is a major fear of mine.

[@Cashhhhew]

My mom is a victim of an over 30 year stalking case and does not put herself online for the same reason. I really feel for those going through this fear, it’s so real.

[@jsparkles555]

I never even thought about that. Even if the video isn’t about you but you’re in the background of it, especially when some people tag the location, can put people in serious danger.

[@cyrusunderscore7315]

There are many people in witness protection too. Many abuse survivors. Many people who could be killed by a stranger putting their face and city of residence out for all to see. Aside from that, I think every has the right to not be filmed (except ofc cops and the like) and it sucks that there's no respect for that anymore

[@lordpickle65]

While this is not the same at all, theres lots of fake social media profiles out there with other clueless strangers pictures (specially women) publishing or saying the nastiest, most perverted, twisted stuff. Its concerning for sure

[@elfsongtavern]

I’m in the same situation as you, I had two men stalking me, which led me to knock down my online presence a lot. I would be so mortified and afraid of this, especially if their were details about the city or neighborhood.

[@lexp6099]

"she's got a cowboy hat with a veil...wearing a white dress...shoulder length hair..." girl go to downtown Austin on any weekend and you'll see twenty women like that. Like that's such a rare sight in Nashville?

[@worm-bri]

right 😭

[@zorro......]

I mean it's a balancing act to not straight up dox the girl while identifying her enough so that her fiancee knows. They also described her dress and the dress & hair of the one other girl who she was with. Together with yhe date and location, it just may be enough for some people to narrow down that their partner is cheating. And if they cant identify someone like this who was having their bachelorette party on this exact day, then it likely doesnt concern them. Isnt that a positive thing?

[@beafraid5467]

​​@@zorro......nobody asked for a stranger’s intervention. What the fuck do you know about that couple’s boundaries and dynamics and who the fuck you are to go round telling on strangers. Fix up your life first narc. Also idk giving precise physical descriptikn, date and location is pretty close to doxxing. Women get killed for any suspicion of cheating.

[@katbamf99]

I grew up in Nashville and it’s literally the bridesmaid capital of America. Seriously, ask anyone from Nashville, people travel from all over, even other countries (especially the UK) to have their bachelorette parties in Nashville. It’s a huge business over there. You always see large groups of women in pink cowgirl hats wearing cringy group t-shirts bar crawling (honkytonkin) all along Broadway. It’s a common joke amongst locals.

[@bleeka325]

There are documentaries about the prevalence of bridesmaids parties in Nashville. That girl could have been making that story up cuz you’ll run into bridesmaids dressed like that In an hour on a Saturday.

[@heresene]

As a black woman who is not only introverted but also has social difficulties, I am no stranger to lonely friendships and I can tell when things sour typically. I would be mortified if someone did this to me because these situations are already humiliating enough without the spectatorship, but worse is that it kinda does a lot to normalize gossip 😅.

[@CatDadNoLongerSad-mf4ne]

"I would be mortified if someone did this to me because these situations are already humiliating enough without the spectatorship..." Such a good point, and I can't help but feel as if these folks are doing this stuff primarily because they are messy people who delight in the drama. If they thought for even one second about how much more embarrassing this situation becomes upon going viral, surely they'd think better of posting it. I hate messy people, and I truly hate that we're enabling them in the Social Media Age.

[@439801RS]

Yeah gossiping is inherently mean spirited imo, like you care about the person in question, talk to them

[@chatnoir9038]

​@@439801RS gossiping about a friend or whatever a random person doing nothing inherently wrong is 💩 but gossip is instrumental to ensuring safety, i.e. word traveling around about someone being dangerous. Especially in contexts where a certain group of people are excluded from talking publicly about violence or oppression they face and/ or pursuing help through institutional routes. So basically, gossip does have a role, but it shouldn't be used for evil 😊

[@molluscumlore]

Yeah as an autistic girl this shit is just my entire life story at this point. Like keep your nose out of my business lady! Subconsciously I absolutely know what's happening, and the reason I'm not doing anything yet is because I will be at a mental hospital if I stop talking to my "friends" before I get new friends to hang with. Fastforwarding the process by broadcasting it to the whole world doesn't help

[@lowwastehighmelanin]

@@CatDadNoLongerSad-mf4nethat's the issue. They never think about the impact of their actions.

[@KimberlyKohn]

Nah, the friendship exposes are just as bad as the cheating ones. As a stranger, we don't know the full context. The Marissa one, especially. The bridesmaids at least no names were used and the details were vague. But, we don't actually know why Marissa wasn't invited. Maybe they're friendly, but not close, and she IS attention seeking and the birthday girl just wanted a quiet party with closer friends. Maybe they're absolute awful people. We don't know! And we shouldn't know. They're not our friends!

[@jessm96297]

The Marissa story was 100% curated/faked to make their venture go viral .. the person who made the video and her were suddenly ‘best friends’ and had a brand ready to go … but it’s still a nice company idea so who cares

[@sierra750]

I agree, also -- didn't that bride (whose bridesmaids were gossiping about her wedding) actually come out and say she was way more mad about the tiktok girl putting her personal information on blast to millions of people than her friends for privately doing some shit talking (and even that she wasn't very bothered by what they said) ?

[@MarissaMeizz]

@@jessm96297hi! it wasn’t fake, the “brand” wasn’t ready to go, just fell into my lap and made it into a passion project. all the meetups are free and i don’t make money off of it. maybe do some research before you make assumptions.

[@unknownany]

@@jessm96297 !!! lmfao she also replied to me in a comment thread like girl stop atp

[@melissameyers7347]

I agree, and Tara even made the point herself that you're taking a way a person's agency to resolve the situation if you're putting it out there. That shouldn't be any different in friendship situations.

[@LydiaCalder94]

I took CPR training Monday and we discussed how when you do it you have to have someone call the medics because If you see someone pull out their phone it’s probably to film the dying person, NOT calling for help

[@psychicbyinternet]

Wow that sure brightened my day. Wtf.

[@Th0rn5555]

Damn, dunno what I expected, but I'm still disappointed

[@AnEmu404]

Im sure thats a legitimately good thing to be aware of, but I don’t know if i would say ‘probably’. Social media skews what people think is the ‘norm’ because the people we _see_ on social media are the type of people to post there. It sounds obvious, but what i mean is that actually a lot of people are decent. I was witness to an old lady having a stroke in public recently, it was terrifying, and the first person to take action pulled out their phone. You know what they did? Call emergency services, like a sane person. Almost everyone walking by also stopped and gathered round to see if they could help, people checked what road we were on so the ambulance could get there, someone offered their coat to keep the old lady warm, etc. So anyway, i hope that restores some peoples faith in humanity a little. You see all the incidents where people film because they are filming it. You don’t see the vast majority of incidents because people *arent* filming. Its simple logic but easy for us to forget.

[@bleeka325]

This was a thing before social media. You have to tell an exact person exactly what you need them to do so that there is no bystander effect. However with the rise of social media It’s another obstacle.

[@interndana5599]

​@bleeka325 exactly. Ive been getting certified in cpr since forever, and the reason you have to specifically chose someone and tell them to call 911 is because of bystander effece

[@judithrussell9162]

The cheating videos infuriate me because while the tiktokers are cheering and celebrating the end of a relationship, the person/people involved are having the worst days of their lives.

[@HarryDirtay]

They're tiktokers, they have no lives or relationships of their own. They live vicariously through the misery they inflict on others

[@valrie1650]

I was leaving a DV marriage and had all these stalkers, friends of friends, feeding info back to my abuser where he was making threats and harming our kids. I was doing everything in my power to keep things normal for the kids while trying not to continue to get assaulted and manipulated by their dad. This was mid pandemic and all the shelters were overflowing mind you. A mothers health and safety be damned, according to those hoes, when there’s juicy speculations to be made for clout, sponsored by his smear campaign

[@Cupo666]

How are you doing now?

[@Reticence9zen924]

I've been aware of someone I provide a service to at work having a former spouse abuse and stalk them in the divorce process- I'm sorry it's happening to you too. The TikTok stalking trend these days is awful.

[@zebraskin]

I know everyone probably knows, but especially when kids are involved document everything. Even if it doesn't help you immediately. Go to the police if need be and just make reports. It will all come around.

[@gnalkhere]

I think the moment I really got irked by this phenomena was when everyone but the mom was upset/betrayed/pissed off that the son didn't take her with his dad to see Paul McCartney live when it was the dad's 70th birthday. It felt invasive, like maybe the mom knew this was her husband's special day idk let people live

[@rs-mt6kl]

Honestly maybe she didn't want to go like omg

[@mxflint1715]

Yeah like i'd hate to go to a concert, if my son wanted to bring his dad for i'd have no problem with it

[@azthecx]

The thing is she is such a big Paul McCartney fan when she was young she used to say live and let live, but in this ever changing world in which we live in she now says live and let die!

[@parkchimmin7913]

It’s weird to be upset on another person’s behalf when the other person wasn’t even upset. Especially when 1) you don’t know them 2) you weren’t there when it happened. People need to stop inserting themselves into other people’s business under the guise of being righteous. No, you’re not being righteous, you’re bored and you thrive off drama that doesn’t directly affect you.

[@rusted_ursa]

70yo dad's wife was a grown woman, yes? If she wanted to be there, I feel like that would have been totally doable. I don't think my mom has accompanied my dad to a single baseball game in two decades. Sometimes spouses have different interests.

[@ic5889]

honestly even in the friendship cases, i would hate if something like that happened to me. like if my friends talk badly about me behind my back and i had to find out after the rest of the world already watched a tiktok about it? i would not be grateful for that at all. stay out of strangers business fr

[@vaska00762]

The friendship cases are certainly ones which are probably more painful, but my own personal experience consists of just getting ghosted, as soon as it's convenient. I already give the likes of TikTok and most social media a miss - it's just not a positive impact on my general well-being. But like, imagine that - people talking about you and you not even knowing about it.

[@theomegajuice8660]

I'm totally ok in theory with people doing a bit of bitching about me behind my back when I done something that annoys people. Everyone does it and it's just part of having a friendship group. I also absolutely do not want to hear exactly what is being said because I trust them to tell me directly if there's something important I need to hear

[@ZoeAlleyne]

Why is the guy or the people posting those friend videos SO gleeful? "Tiktok, help me find Marissa!" While he is laughing. Why are you... enjoying this process? At the end of this, there is a rejected girl who has bad friends and maybe she will be really injured by this? I don't enjoy the energy most of these people come into this with.

[@heyimneverland8451]

@@ZoeAlleyneI do agree it’s always so strange the excitement they have

[@unluckyomens370]

At least for me, I have a lot of trouble reading people I don’t really care all that much if people talk about me behind my back if its a big enough issue theyll come to me about it like i honestly wouldnt mind if it was someone who came to me and was like yo theyre saying shit about you but I feel like a public version of that would be wildly uncomfortable since there are just so many other people to consider if that makes sense

[@bananamanchester4156]

I have ADHD and I used to have really bad, anxiety induced meltdowns. Mostly in private, but once or twice in public. I'm on top of it now, thank goodness. If someone had recorded me and blasted me on Tiktok, I'd have died of embarrassment. I don't think it's ok to act that way, especially towards others, but it was a symptom of my terrible mental health. People often say "ACCOUNTABILITY!!!" to justify social media surveillance and posting someone's dirty laundry online, but I managed to take true accountability for my behaviour by fixing the root problem of my mental health, getting an ADHD diagnosis/meds, and getting support from my loved ones. Tying me to the Tiktok stocks and whipping me online was not necessary for me to learn the error of my ways and likely would have made me even worse/less able to take accountability.

[@XDDCCOUUTT]

Recording meltdowns to shame them is so pathetic. There was the one person on Reddit who says they had their meltdowns recorded by their baby poppers to shame them for it yet some of the posts were basically like “but what about your poor pitiful angelic parents?! It’s so hard to open your legs then being forced to raise an autistic burden who chose to have autism 😫” as if they didn’t willingly open their legs to birth this person.

[@roxyndra]

It's certainly awful because literally no human is 100% perfect at all times in public. Everyone has bad days. It's only a question of who's willing to tolerate it and why.

[@bananamanchester4156]

​@@XDDCCOUUTTI can't imagine my own parents doing that to me, even if I was being the worst child on the planet it still wouldn't justify that. That's straight up child abuse. Honestly, having knowledge of neurodiverse conditions (and having one myself) always made me really uncomfortable when anything "Karen" related popped up on my feed. Whilst the behaviour displayed by the "Karen" was usually unacceptable, there was always the chance we were witnessing someone in the middle of a meltdown or a psychotic break. But if you complain about the "Karen" phenomenon you get called a Karen so heyho

[@akaErma]

I have had some private ADHD meltdowns that I am horribly embarrassed by so just the thought of anyone witnessing one makes me feel a lot of shame. I would have a hard time leaving my house again if my very bad day became someone else's viral hit.

[@Schemilix]

Karen is an AAVE word for white women leveraging their white womanhood to victimise POC, a known and serious thing. The way it's been used recently to silence women when they act like a dick in public is not the way the term is meant and is frankly pretty misogynist. It's basically the hyserical woman stereotype but dressed up in language that seems like you're on the side of employees. The word people are looking for is 'being a dick' or 'entitled'. And earlier commenter is right. I had to kick off because I got diverted miles out of my way on a bus route and had to walk an hour back the way they took me with no warning. Someone would probably call me a prick for that but I was meant to be at work. People have bad days. Try to be kind to people but being put on blast the one time we lose control in a stressful situation gives people no chance to improve their hehaviour and do better. You just get written off as a Karen forever, usually if you're assumed to be a woman.

[@tricky-vixen]

18:44 “What if this helps someone?“ is such a cop-out reasoning to acquit oneself of critical thinking before sharing potentially inaccurate (i.e., incomplete), misleading, or even harmful information in the guise of being altruistic when you’re really just seeking engagement.

[@zorro......]

To be fair, altruism and engagement aren't mutually exclusive. IF someone were so narrowminded to think "If this was me, I would want to know, and so this must also be true for the victim" and then subsequently they felt so morally motivated that they were compelled to inform the victim, then the only way to do so is to gain enough engagement that the victim catches wind of your video. In such a case, engagement is a necessary step in this person's goal of doing something altruistically. Of course, I'm not so naive to think most cases are like this. But I'm also not going to assume 100% of people doing this as being fully motivated by views. Some may genuinely feel that it's the right thing to do, especially if they wete in a similar enough situation that the pain is personal.

[@lyndonwesthaven6623]

And you could say exactly the same of all the cheating ones.... it just feels icky

[@blameitoncapitalism]

These people should reflect on the lyrics "did you hear my covert narcissism I disguise as altruism like some kind of congress man?"

[@ktm9292]

I personally believe that it's normal and healthy to vent a little about friends sometimes. I fully have the expectation that when my friends get together without me, at least sometimes, something annoying I've said or done will come up in conversation. I also know that any one of my friends would answer my call day or night, let me crash at theirs if needed, and would support me in a jam. Unless it's something bigger that I need to work on, or they're being genuinely horrible, I wouldn't want to know. I would feel hurt for no reason. No matter what it is, I wouldn't want a bunch of randoms on the internet knowing my business like that, or giving their unsolicited opinions on something they know nothing about. These people did not go online to ask if they were the a**hole. I think it's also gross how people are grinning when they share this juicy gossip with the world when it's something so deeply hurtful.

[@elfsongtavern]

I agree with you 100%. We all talk behind someone’s back at some point, so these TikToks are super hypocritical. I also think it’s way more productive to rant about a one-off small thing to a friend than ranting to the person who did the one-off small thing

[@elephantshell3617]

Gotta disagree with you on this one, if I went viral because my friends were horrid little shits behind my back, I’d never recover from that one. I’d probably spend the rest of my life doubting any new friendship not just because of the betrayal but the fear they’re only being nice to me because I’m the loser who’s friends clowned on her in front of 10 million tiktokers.

[@heyspeckle8782]

💯💯💯

[@purnimamahesh9007]

My thoughts articulated, thank you!

[@vaska00762]

I think there's also something to be said about how genuine some of these exposés are. Even if they're not straight up made up and fake, it could be exaggerated, or a interpretation of a situation, rather than actually fully truthful. Half-truths can still do a lot of damage. Especially if this trend catches on, you'll be sure to see that there's plenty of stories that are probably too tame to go viral. As much as people love the voyeuristic elements of this sort of thing, like watching reality TV, it's not just TV or social media shenanigans, it's something that can destroy someone's mental health.

[@nervousbreakdown711]

I’m on Bumble BFF. I’m always worried that someone who knows I’m married will think I’m cheating even though that section of the app is for platonic friends only. My wife even knows I have an account but last thing I want is a fight over nothing because someone decided to make out business theirs

[@wendyheatherwood]

Right, as an example, the woman who was like "Hey your bride is cheating on you, also she didn't tip and she tried to take photos". How can anyone know the cheating bit happened? How do we know the bride wasn't just a terrible, stingy customer who broke house rules and pissed off some of the employees so they decided to mess with her?

[@aim-to-misbehave5674]

And if I'd been taken out of context by a stranger in a viral clip (you saw me texting 'love you' to a platonic friend while on a date, my facial expressions were 'wrong' in public, I vented about a bridezilla friend who I love but _ohmygod please chill_ etc etc) I absolutely would never ever ever "tell my side of the story". Go from a blurry five second clip or a retelling of a conversation to being an identifiable face and name and account? Absolutely bloody not. That's how you get harassed within an inch of your life The guy who was filmed scrolling through Insta (or whatever he was doing) could insist until the day he died that he was not doing anything wrong, and his girlfriend could believe him and back him up and never doubt him for a moment, and he'd still be eviscerated online by tiktok detectives who 'know better'

[@brianhanrahan7932]

Nah, about the friend thing, I’d rather just not know. Again, it’s meddling. If they’re bad friends I’d rather find out on my own. Posts like that also cultivate a societal paranoia that all of your friends are actually fake or talking about you behind your back. I already am insecure enough, I don’t want to see hundreds of posts validating those delusions of mine.

[@psychicbyinternet]

And in my experience, you find out they are shitty friends fairly fast.

[@HattiesVlogs]

Back where my parents live, during the pandemonium, people would drive to recycling centres that are in some really remote areas and take pictures of people doing their recycling and then post the pictures online to put people on blast. Stranger surveillance is stupid and very wrong, in my opinion. Senseless witch hunts can easily get out of hand.

[@Tiny_Koi]

Ff-for recycling???

[@mywingsareyours]

​@@Tiny_Koiprob for being out during quarantine and/or not being masked

[@SPMunny]

That’s some “girl what were YOU doing at the devils sacrament behavior” if I’ve ever seen it

[@Chelseabee55]

The worst version of this was on Halloween when people posted videos of other peoples kids if the kid took too much candy. Sir that is a minor.

[@Tiny_Koi]

@@mywingsareyours oh that makes more sense (still fucked). Some old guy in a red hat was taking photos of me and my gf wearing masks at the grocery store (we both had colds but needed food).

[@Sarah-re7cg]

As a neurodivergent person who doesn’t give all the perfect cues of “how someone is supposed to react,” things like the couch guy situation freak me out and causes me to mask even more 😢 a number of neurotypical people get shit for their reactions so I’m scared one day I’ll be burned at the stake in an instant or something

[@sparkymularkey6970]

Imagine being polyamorous and living your life only to have a stranger broadcast your business for the whole world. 😳

[@lujorom9172]

literally, I kept thinking this. people have no idea if all of this isn't consensual.

[@hektorsehmsdorf1336]

Our business wasn't broadcasted to the whole world but once someone dug out my primary boyfriends private E-Mail to tell him that I was "cheating" on him. You could tell these guys were so proud of themselves for getting all up in other peoples business... All they did was upset him because he was made to feel like people were watching him and gossiping about us... Just let people live their lives

[@headintheclouds4571]

That’s what I always think about! That would be such a horrible feeling

[@Andr0meda_]

I'm exclusively poly, I'm especially glad I'm not on social media now

[@bloop6111]

Especially if you’re not out as polyamorous to your family or coworkers or something. This could really mess someones life up.

[@IsuckedyouC]

Every time I see TikTok lore I feel more and more like a boomer.

[@acoelomate2984]

Same but also I’m more relieved that I’ve decided to avoid the app

[@Imxel21]

@@acoelomate2984i mean you’re on KZbin which isn’t as different as you think. Nor are other forms of social media

[@Milkythefawn]

Me with skibidi toilet lore and Gen alpha memes

[@swagmundfreud666]

Yeah same, and I'm 19!

[@Koijn2K]

​@@Imxel21KZbin def has way more good and thoughtful content, while TikTok is designed for brain rot.

[@susieboo22]

I can 100% say virtually none of the people posting about "couch guy" were acting out of compassion, because whenever the girl asked people to stop and leave them alone, she got called an idiot, defensive, told she was being gaslit, etc. It was very clear to me that her feelings didn't matter in the situation at all.

[@metamorphforest4853]

My husband and I don’t typically wear our wedding bands but sometimes I’ll want to wear mine, so only I will wear it when we’re out. When that happens, sometimes I worry that I’ll end up on social media getting ‘exposed’ for cheating on my husband…with my husband

[@Trevin_Taylor]

I never wear my ring. My wife always wears her ring. I often wonder about it.

[@aim-to-misbehave5674]

Reminds me of the AskAManager advice column where someone's employee accused her of having an affair...with her own husband... "It's inappropriate for you to go to lunch alone with a man who is also married" or whatever (titled "my employee insinuated I was having an affair … with my husband")

[@jennesantana]

Why? Do you typically go out with other men? I’m confused why people would think you’re cheating bc you have a wedding ring on lol

[@metamorphforest4853]

@@jennesantana no because in the occasion I feel like wearing my wedding band, only I will be wearing it and he doesn’t, so other people might assume I’m married and he’s not.

[@bluegreenglue6565]

I think we need to remember that we often vent at a level that doesn't reflect our true feelings. Like how we talk about our spouses - we exaggerate and pretend to be put out, but it's kind of a way to gauge what the norms are and how others weigh in on their own partners so all parties can recalibrate their perceptions and reactions. Saying, "My [partner] is a loser" is very different from saying he/she/they "can be a pain in the ass." But, I don't believe it's ever a person's responsibility to reveal behind-the-back chatter. "They deserve to know?" Really? That's a huge judgement call, and an overstep (at least in my old-lady-opinion).

[@worthasandwich]

It gets even worse when people hear what they want to and add their context. Like if you overhear a conversation about cheating you may think it is about a couples relationship but it might be about board game night. We don't know how much info the person making the TicToc actually has.

[@DaddyBearXXXL]

"We" all do that? No we do not. Maybe you do. I was taught that the only person to complain about my significant other about is my significant other. I have never complained to friends ir family about anything like that and that is how my partner is as well. And we are happy well all of our old friends are getting divorced. Besides why be with someone who you complain about? It makes no sense.

[@DasAlena]

Kind of related but also not: I feel very uncomfortable sometimes watching these videos of strangers in public with the intention of appretiation as well. For example as appreciation of ther fashion, style, carefreely frolocking or whatever. Even if it’s a “nice” intention of people, can we please stop posting strangers online??

[@unluckyomens370]

I get what you mean even when its framed as a positive I think putting the spotlight on unwilling or unknowing participants is a generally not great thing. Maybe its my brain being a little too creative but I cant imagine id like people recording me trying to mitigate hearing sensitivity and social anxiety wether its framed as good or bad

[@umbellicalchick5635]

Absolutely agree

[@umbellicalchick5635]

I think it's definitely related. Surveillance state

[@alicemadness999]

i will say, i do like my privacy, and the complete and utter lack of respect for it and the erosion of boundaries is terrifying to me, even tho ive been dealing with it my whole life at the hands of my mother

[@unseenmolee]

omg i feel this sm 😭😭 its awful that i cant go outside without the fear that anything i do could be caught on camera and blasted online. i already have a lot of anxiety going out but now i feel like i have to be cute and act neurotypical 24/7, all on the off-chance i could be in the background of some tiktok that goes viral. i hate it.

[@stephss]

then talk to your mom

[@alicemadness999]

@@stephss ya think i havent? she freaks out if you even suggest she isnt perfect

[@bluegreenglue6565]

@@alicemadness999 I'm sorry you are in this situation. I do not know you, and I don't presume to understand the context, but I'm in my 50s, my Mum almost 80, and we've been experiencing relationship resets for a few decades now; that is, she says and does what she wants without apology and I recalibrate how much I choose to expose myself to her and how I respond internally. My adult children have had to do the same thing. I do hope you are able to come to a comfortable place in your relationship with your Mum.

[@khodges72]

​@@stephssI'll talk to your mom, what is her number?

[@mywingsareyours]

The couch girl stuff and things like it are a great example of low tolerance ppl have for non-neurotypical reactions. When i saw him, i could easily have seen my autistic ex or sister react to seeing someone unexpectedly (even someone they're excited to see.) Even my reaction to surprises can be super awkward and im ADHD

[@noaw418]

Absolutely agree. Hearing about that whole mess made me so viscerally uncomfortable because it was such a stark reminder of how little empathy the howling masses will extend to anyone who doesn't or can't constantly perform every emotion in the typical expected manner, and how arbitrarily defined the expected manner truly is. I felt so bad for that poor guy.

[@larissabrglum3856]

The notion that everyone should always respond to things in a particular, expected manner is harmful on so many levels

[@Cupo666]

Once I had a boyfriend bring me flowers and gifts to my apartment on my birthday and even though my inside reaction was like “oooOOooo I feel so happy and seen” my outside reaction was frozen and almost silent. It was so bizarre I didn’t know if I should like…perform a customary reaction or not? If it was on film I would have been pilloried.

[@DrAnarchy69]

THIS! The entire Marissa saga and just everything reminds me about (irony here is palpable) autistic people on the whole are better at communicating because we don't hold things back, assume people know social cues and contexts, and don't bullshit. Unlike allistic people, we say what we mean and mean what we say. Those friends of hers were mad at her and yet instead of talking with her and asking her to defer to the friend for their birthday (a completely reasonable request) they just took that choice away from her. This is the problem with making assumptions and quite frankly it's pretty ableist.

[@psychicbyinternet]

@@Cupo666 I get what you're saying but I'd feel so hurt if I did a nice thing like that and my significant other reacted that way. But maybe you guys have talked to each other about how you react differently to things? I don't know. I understand your point though, that you don't know what people are going through or how they react differently to things if they are neurodivergent.

[@kiryanna]

Reminds me of one I heard of where a woman noticed the man sitting next to her on a plane texted two different contacts in his phone that both had women's names. He told them both something like "I'm on the plane now, love you," so she assumed he was cheating and threatened to expose him, getting really nasty over it. Turned out it was his wife and daughter

[@hj5520]

As someone who has had an “outgoing” person completely overshadow me at my own birthday party and quite literally talk for hours on end- I kind of see where marissa’s friends are coming from. Maybe she doesn’t know how to go to an event and not be the center of attention for once and her friend just didn’t wanna deal with that. Idk overall I just felt that we were missing part of the story there.

[@lawncrow]

I agree, I mean, I feel like discussing such things with your friends is probably a good move but I don't know the dynamic that's going on, maybe that's just too difficult for the moment. The Marissa situation was one of the more tame ones but still kinda rubbed me the wrong way.

[@elucified]

I get the feeling of conflict avoidance, but in your scenario like what if the outgoing friend didn't know/realize what she was doing? If you were her, wouldn't you want someone to tell you? I feel like if she had been told and still kept doing it, that would def be an issue.

[@CoraMaria]

@@elucified This. It's not the outgoing person's fault if you don't communicate with them. They're just being themselves. Instead, you should communicate how they could use their outgoing personality to enhance the experience for the birthday person.

[@stringcheese6833]

​@@elucifiedOkay, but as someone who is introverted and married to an extrovert, it's on you to read the room a little. Especially if they are going on and on, there isn't always a way to get a word in edgewise, nor is there a way to politely tell them to stop in a way that won't be seen as embarrassing them in front of everyone. I have had to politely kick my husband under the table a few times, but depending on how close you are with someone, that's not always an option, nor something that is universally understood. Some people are just determined to TALK, regardless of whether or not they're trampling over others to do so.

[@evasdorling7555]

Adding to the other replies. It's annoying when there's this person who talks and talks and interrupts everyone and doesn't stop to listen. But most of the time, they dont realize that, and they are not trying to be mean. Marissa, for how she turned the situation, if it was real, you never know with social media, seems a really extrovert person. An introvert wouldn't have bothered or even managed to turn this into this big thing. But for what I saw, she was clueless about why she was being left out. I think she would have understood where the friend was coming from.

[@wincepie2830]

I think I disagree in the friendship case. If I were the friend being badmouthed (and I have been before) I would not want it posting on the internet. I don’t think it’s okay to post other people’s conversations on the internet even if you’re just recounting them not filming them. Telling your own friends is one thing but the internet is so wide that you’ve not given the people involved a choice at privacy. I would find it humiliating to find out through the internet that my friends where like this. Maybe I’m too black and white when approaching this but posting other peoples information, even second hand conversations, on the internet isn’t okay to me.

[@ritasprinkle5098]

I hate hate hate how this kind of thing has absolutely zero respect for privacy. Like the whole world doesn't need to sit in on the trauma or drama of whatever's going on. And it's super dangerous too. It gives such easy access to abusers and groomers, it gives them a time and a location online to find someone. You don't know what's going on in someone's life, and someone else posting a non-censual video of them could be their death.

[@unluckyomens370]

Yeah even if i look past my personal issues with it just being it worsening my social anxiety i can think of a lot of situations where it could be genuinely dangerous and knowing tiktok the subject of the video is always going to be found and theres a 50/50 on them getting doxxed

[@mandarinduck]

As far as Marissa being "too outgoing," not passing moral judgement, but she did take this one instance of being shit talked and turned it into a national phenomenon and went on a day time talkshow about it. That's not introvert behavior at least.

[@avelynn5976]

maybe her friends were right about her but if she was really that obnoxious they shouldn't have kept her around

[@sydcaldwell37]

the ones that really send me over the edge are those exposing groups of friends who are "talking shit" about another friend or just venting about a situation the poster has absolutely no idea about and yet exposes these people making their lives so much unnecessarliy difficult

[@HighAsHeckPriestess]

I'd really love not to find out that people i care about secretly hate me from a TikTok. Id hate it even more if i found a TikTok where someone recorded me eating at a restaurant by myself to get pity likes. Absolutely the fuck not. Edit: OMG BOB IS A REAL LIFE HOUSE HIPPO CANADIANS REJOICE

[@lilcarttheoneandonly]

what

[@HighAsHeckPriestess]

​@@lilcarttheoneandonlythere was a popular ad back in the day that ran in Canada (but aired sometimes in the US on Canadian stations) about media literacy. It failed because a bunch of children, despite the ad being very clear that it's false, believed house hippos are real😂

[@1980rlquinn]

In Japan, posting someone's image on social media without their permission is illegal. Frankly, I strongly prefer it and wish American lawmakers would do more to protect people. Though it is strange that there's no "consent culture" around personal boundaries in Japan, but there is in the U.S., but there is a culture of consent for photographs in Japan, but not in the U.S...

[@Dixavd]

I actually find the friendship-shaming videos way worse than the romantic ones. It's healthy for communities to be able to share their personal grievances about each other in a way that doesn't harm the original person. It builds stronger group bonds and stops resentment building up. Of course, it becomes a problem when it's negativity focused solely on one person all the time (to the point that others in the group only interact with that person in order to get more gossip stories) but most of the time it's just a way of relieving stress. It's also normal to overemphasize the issues as the thoughts are bouncing off each other, to the point where a person might say something in these venting moments that they wouldn't agree with outside this particular conversation context. For these specific examples: Weddings can be especially stressful days for all involved which can heighten even minor frustrations. It's not unusual for everyone to be on edge. Special events like weddings and birthday parties are strange situations where a subset of the main group is the focus: this kind of imbalance (which generally isn't the case for the group as a whole at other times) is an odd experience to manage. It sounds to me that these group of women didn't enjoy the wedding but tried their best to avoid complaining at-the-time in order to not ruin the bride's experience. They found the day exhausting and stressful so at a future time, distanced from the enforced social rules of the day, and without the bride around to potentially upset, they're getting out all the things they spent the whole day not saying. In the birthday-party example: there are lots of reasons why a group might not want someone specific to be at an event. They can be cruel reasons (like they don't like the person) or they can be compassionate reasons. For instance: maybe the group knows the person they are excluding wouldn't actually enjoy it (because of the activity, or a bitter ex might be there, or they know they'd get stressed finding an outfit/present, etc...) so the party was scheduled for when the friend would be away so they could still invite the friend without them showing up. It's always nice to be invited to things. It's never fun having to explain to someone why you don't want to go or why they weren't invited. Seems like a useful circumstance to manage everyone's needs without having to upset someone. Maybe in this case it turned out to be the crueller former reason, but it seems odd that the man who created the original video assumed that.

[@heyspeckle8782]

Agreed! Just to add: Sometimes open communication can really help and also give agency to the person who might be the odd one out. Like, telling them what activity we are planning and asking if they still want to come, if not that's fine and they can just join us afterwards or next week for brunch or whatever. I've been in friend groups where they would secretly meet without me and I'd have really appreciated an honest conversation before someone slips and accidentally talks about the board game night they had last weekend and I'm there just dumbfounded.

[@smooshpopper2]

I can’t fathom actually being invested in a complete stranger’s “cheating scandal” , it’s wild behavior, and I super don’t care about all this petty drama being aired out in public for the purpose of shaming, it’s gross

[@XDDCCOUUTT]

The only thing that’s everyone’s business is if it’s someone was watching CP or is doing something legit shady and harmful behind the scenes, not high school gossip.

[@Nickman1233]

Don't normalize cheating 😒. Grow up and talk shit out

[@Nickman1233]

​@Peekabye no false your just a loser

[@Nickman1233]

​@KathrynElizabeth-uz8hionly losers cheat. They need to grow up and actually use their words

[@suoutubez19]

@KathrynElizabeth-uz8hiThat’s the whole point. Whoever caught it should go to who they think is being cheated on so the issue can be dealt with asap.

[@natatatm]

Honestly idk how to feel about marissa. It feels like we're still missing more of the story. I say this as someone who's also been excluded by a shitty friend group.

[@TaraMooknee]

MARISSA TRUTHER

[@bl2023]

I kinda see the friend's side though. I was in a crappy friend group with a couple of really pretty friends that flourished under attention. I often felt like there wasn't space for me when we went out and came home feeling very often about myself. I ended up reaching out to one personally to say that I was not angry with her and that she was amazing, but I needed a break to work on myself and my insecurities without being 'triggered' every weekend. I was being vulnerable (and very very kind to her, just trying to make sure she didn't feel like I was suddenly avoiding her) and it went horribly. The friend group as a whole was trash though, so it may have just been that--I also didn't seek to exclude her, I just excluded myself lol.

[@schrodingersGinger]

see my thought is that its kinda shitty to ask your friend to reschedule *her* birthday party because of *your* plans. Maybe more people she wants there can *only* do that weekend for other reasons, and so she had to pick and this was the least number of people to be excluded. maybe not, but like, thats a realistic scenario that i've had to deal with myself and it wasnt personal, it just isnt always possible to include *everyone* and have your party within a month of the actual date. I say that from experience too cause i let another person plan my party once and in an effort to include some of her friends she planned my party a month late, and that didnt feel very nice at all for me either. i didnt even get to have a piece of my own cake at the party

[@suoutubez19]

@@bl2023sounds like you’re projecting.

[@bl2023]

@@suoutubez19 I’m partaking in a discussion where OP spoke on their experiences and replying with one of my own. Y’all learn a new word and just run with it, huh. Identifying a related feeling isn’t projecting. Its empathy.

[@sierra750]

I could be mistaken, but didn't the bride whose bridesmaids were gossiping about her wedding actually come out and say she was more mad at the girl for putting her personal life on blast than her friends for gossiping? I don't think the friends ones are any better or different. It's still none of random people's business and also we have no idea what other context there might be!

[@ethan_the_alien]

Not to mention, sometimes people cheat because they are in an abusive relationship that they Cannot Leave. My step-mom and my dad are both abusive as fuck, but my dad had the most power over all of us in the household, and my step-mom was eventually caught cheating. And I completely get why. She was stuck in a horrifically abusive relationship with him since I was like 8-years-old, she's still stuck, she literally has no-one, she has no family members she can turn to nor friends. I completely understand why she "cheated" and she was completely right to.

[@sunettas9738]

I'm sorry you're going through that, I hope you'll both be in a safer position soon

[@ruminationstation4200]

If she's stuck then cheating puts her in extreme danger. Either she needs to take the steps to get out or she needs to accept the reality of her present, but cheating does nothing but up the stakes of the abuse while undermining her case to 3rd parties

[@CardsNHorns04]

Uh, if she’s also abusive, why are you just shitting on the dad? Like, I get what you’re saying, and people in abusive situations do cheat to get out of it, but like, are we just gonna now blame the victims of cheating and say they were abusive to justify this happening to them? Like, it doesn’t make the situation better, and frankly gives shitty people who do cheat to flip it on the person who was cheated on saying that it’s their fault.

[@bece00]

​@@CardsNHorns04im sorry you are pulling a ton of conclusions that are in no way implied by this comment. Come on. Nobody is saying cheating is okay but people in abusive relationships its a different situation. Thats all. Youre expressing extreme bad faith. Common on the internet but come on.

[@ethan_the_alien]

@@CardsNHorns04 Read my comment again bro. Wow.

[@palya2307]

To have a snapshot of your life taken out of context and have people assume the worst of you is so terrifying like sometimes im genuinely scared to go outside 😭

[@nervousbreakdown711]

The thing that gets me is that these are suspected cheating. You don’t have evidence. You’re putting someone on blast based on vibes

[@jennysomething3666]

Today I heard two girls gossiping about their friend, you know what it was a fun listen ,it was my own mini podcast on a bus stop . But putting it online is crossing the boundary to becoming a stalker lmao

[@lumenlights3384]

i wish tiktok would get banned at this point. people are more toxic than ever because everyone has been deluded into believing that they are the main character everywhere they go, and that strangers are just NPCs with no valid feelings. the comments on tiktoks of random people being filmed in public are unbelievably cruel. we shouldn't have to live in constant fear of going viral for being in the background of someone's tiktok. tiktok has ruined empathy and self awareness, especially for teenagers who now seem to thrive on bullying others to the point of ending their own lives.

[@JessicaMiller-pc4dj]

You are 💯 correct . I don't think I would survive being young at this moment in time 😞.

[@gooeydude574]

There’s also a lot of misinformation on there

[@davidmaxwell4696]

Tbf, it’s not really TikTok that’s the issue but social media on the whole. You see variants of this behavior on everything from Facebook to KZbin.. TikTok just gets the most focus cause it’s popular with younger folk and it’s branded as an ~evil~ Chinese conspiracy to undermine the west or whatever

[@JessicaMiller-pc4dj]

@@gooeydude574 Even worse 😦. I am old to know better, but I have fallen down rabbit holes on tiktok many times.

[@Acrossthegulfofspace]

Literally TODAY Nepal passed a law to ban tiktok for “not being conductive to society” or some similar wording, which is a huge win imo. There needs to be a place we draw a line on what conduct is acceptable. Especially with children growing up so intricately linked with “the internet” it has to be regulated and harnessed in positive ways

[@LowCountryMatt]

Can we talk about the style journey this queen has gone on through out this channel? Seriously, from the bowl cut to now, keep on being you, queen!

[@DahianaG]

wtf are these comments 😂

[@TwoForFlinchin1]

​@@andromalius8890 is this supposed to be a compliment?

[@shaynestanz1]

Do you mean Tara or The Cow? Either way they both look great!

[@LowCountryMatt]

@@shaynestanz1 The Cow has always been immaculate. There's no journey as she is a constant force of beauty.

[@DrAnarchy69]

Bowl cuts are awesome!

[@roxyndra]

I've been cheated on, and I don't like that cheating is a thing that people do, but ... am I weird for being _way_ more mad at someone recording adult performers at an establishment (against the rules and without their consent) and _also_ refusing to tip the workers!? I'd dump someone over the latter, for sure.

[@amethystdream8251]

Not at all. Unfortunately a lot of customers don't tip, especially with women of color. This doesn't get talked about because the whole job relies on fantasy. The recording thing is also not ok and though it is rare, people do try whatever they can get away with. I feel compelled to break the fantasy with everyone after what I observed 😂

[@Katiewithdaffodils]

Nobody in that situation acted with integrity.

[@amethystdream8251]

@NeggieKnight Tipping dollars in a club is supposed to make ppl feel like they're in a music video or something. The more you break down the logic of how things work in clubs or other sw spaces, the stupider it gets. But a lot of ppl haven't been ready to accept that because then they'd have to deal with their sexual guilt/shame. Our society doesn't provide much in the way of tools or healing around sexual shame, and even when the tools are present, the individual would still need to have the willingness to bring their ego down in order to accept certain truths and let the healing take place. You can also extend this to the world outside of sw - what to do when monogamy is associated with morality, but not everyone's sexuality conforms to that? There's a whole lot of cheating that may not need to occur if we had a culture of transparency in relationships, and acceptance for who people are. Shitty people will be shitty people, but a lot of people hide who they are and what they want because our society does hand out real world consequences for authenticity.

[@roxyndra]

@@amethystdream8251 couldn’t have said it better, myself.

[@jennesantana]

@@amethystdream8251you know dancers can be celibate right lol. And do we tip the hairdresser to feel like we’re in a music video? Lmfao

[@Chachixo]

Calls to action used to be stuff like "subscribe" or "sign up for my newsletter" and then people would do that + follow you on IG. Now CTAs are "hunt this person down" or "beware of this person" and people do that + try to get them fired. The sense of moral superiority people have, alongside the need to fuel it, is so frustrating to say the least.

[@struckanerve88]

As someone who lost a friend because of how awful she was in the lead up to her wedding (3 of our mutual friends decided not to go to this friends wedding because of how awful she had been) I could see how those women at brunch could've just been venting and could have been just so sick of all the brides shit that it soured the whole event and just made them hate everything.

[@saeedrazavi4428]

As a genderqueer person, the idea of stranger surveillance and spreading rumors based on the voyer's assumptions is terrifying to me

[@izzyshyperfixations]

I might just be ignorant, but why do you mention being genderqueer? Is there a specific reason tied to that identity that would make being surveilled worse? /gen

[@AA-cf4es]

As a woman, suffering from internalised mysoginy. You are a woman with trauma, you are not "genderqueer".

[@AA-cf4es]

​@@izzyshyperfixationsnope. Just her way to avoid facing her trauma.

[@that.neurodivergent]

Exactly, that’s been happening to us for a very very long time… it’s very dangerous, especially depending on where you live

[@BlackTestament]

As gender nonconforming pansexual black dude in a red state, this also horrifies me

[@KarlaIvethXD]

Also this entitlement to expose strangers online “to help” sometimes circles back to the entitlement to film strangers and make fun of them online.

[@phangkuanhoong7967]

idk. i have a couple friends who i'd sometimes not want to hang out with when i'm out with different friends. It's not like I don't care about them or just faking it. It just means I'd like to see different people sometimes. I sure as hell wouldn't want some rando on social media to make that a public affair, especially when names are dropped. That to me is a boundary and privacy violation.

[@katierasburn9571]

Literally, sometimes i have friends that i KNOW wont mix well but i love them both so one of them being busy on a certain date is a blessing so its not all “you chose them over me”

[@taylor6528]

i have pretty significant paranoia, especially as it relates to the fear of like - people secretly watching or recording me without my knowledge or consent. and it's really hard, in today's world, to deal with that, because it's no longer an irrational fear! surveillance culture aside - i'm genuinely more afraid of this kind of digital panopticon we've created, where if you're in public, you have no right to privacy. i've genuinely seen people argue that if you go outside, you're consenting to be recorded, and if you don't like the idea that footage of you can be put on tiktok for people to mock without you having any idea, you should just not go outside.

[@friday13thirteen]

ugh same dude, spent years trying to convince myself that nobody's judging me or making fun of me with their friends, people have their own stuff going on and aren't even thinking about what i'm doing, etc, only for the past couple years of online culture to make it very clear that that's not always the case!! i do think it's still mostly true that random strangers in public aren't judging you, but the portion of people who are that judgmental are now massively incentivized by algorithms to share it with the world, and then it becomes a trend that others participate in without even thinking about the impact. 20 years ago "what if i embarrass myself in public and somebody takes a video and puts it on the internet and everybody laughs at me and millions of people think i'm a horrible person" would have been the catastrophizing thoughts of somebody with serious anxiety. now it's just like, a pretty normal thing that happens.

[@sugrose7655]

As someone who doesn't have a Tiktok account, the idea that some stranger could've filmed me and made a video, without me having any knowledge, is so bizarre.

[@thinkfirst1989]

Alright so, devil's advocate on the bad friend exposé concept. Sometimes you might have a valid reason to he frustrated with a friend, but you know it's no use talking to them because it's about a personality flaw of theirs that they're not open to discussing. And so you love them anyway, but might sometimes need to blow off steam. And if someone catches you on camera at that moment, they're not necessarily catching a moment that reflects how you really might feel about and value your friend.

[@unionunicorn6776]

Exactly. I have a friend who is a chronic liar. This makes loving this particular friend difficult. But I still love them. I think they deserve to be happy. But I sometimes vent about what they do because sometimes it affects me emotionally but I don’t want to discuss it with them directly because it’s minor in the grand scheme of things (white lies). Their lies annoy me because I’ve always been a really honest person so when people are caught lying it makes me lose some trust in them in general. But it is usually pretty harmless lies so I’m torn. Plus, they are family, so even if they do stuff that can really annoys me, I have a personal responsibility to be at least civil with them because I care about my sister who is married to them. Sometimes I vent about how their lying makes it hard for me to always trust what they say. I don’t think that makes me a bad friend for admitting that their actions have consequences, including how it makes other people feel.

[@winevnova]

....Why would I reschedule MY birthday party because YOU are going out of town? Also, is it that they "didn't invite me because I'm pretty and outgoing" or that they "scheduled the party while I was going out of town and didn't want to reschedule and I'm upset about it"? The story is not even straight...

[@bosstowndynamics5488]

Supposedly they later confirmed that they chose the date specifically to have Merissa somewhere else, but even so, who among us hasn't scheduled something around avoiding a particular type of interaction with someone we otherwise genuinely like? I've seen friendships breakdown under similar circumstances driven not by the friend doing the scheduling, who had very fair reasons to have just one interaction without the other person present, but by the person in Merissa's shoes who became enraged at the idea that even a single interaction one of her many friends had didn't involve her. I can't help but notice for instance that the obligation that meant Merissa couldn't attend was because she was going on a roadtrip with other friends, it's not like it was important business or family obligations or something, so it seems to be totally OK to exclude the birthday girl for Merissa's sake...

[@MarissaMeizz]

⁠hi! i didn’t want her to “move the party so i could go” she purposely put it on that weekend because she knew i was going out of town, and i actually was going out of town to put my dog down and they wouldn’t come with me so when she put the party that day it was like a slap to the face x5

[@kasroa]

I think the biggest problem, aside from what you mentioned, is actually nothing to do with the effects of outing a particular behaviour. The biggest problem is that you just don't know the facts. No matter what you see in public, no matter what you hear, you're never going to have the full story. And most likely you will have very, very little of the full story, or maybe even a completely wrong story. So even before we get onto the problems of humiliating the people involved, let's remember that we go to great lengths to try people in a fair court, where all the evidence is heard and considered. Mob justice, vigilantism, public shaming; all of these things are dangerous relics that should be confined to our past. Disregarding gossip is the first step. There is no altruism involved, because ultimately these people know (whether or not they want to admit it) that they do not have all the facts and therfore cannot possibly be acting in anyone else's best interests.

[@kasroa]

And I think we all need to stop "loving gossiping". It's a little contradictory to hear this repeated during this video discussing the harm of gossip.

[@PokhrajRoy.]

Some people call it TikTok Surveillance, some cultures call it a ritualistic toxic gossip train. You know who you are.

[@samiinaa]

The youngis are becoming the gossiping aunties 😂

[@PokhrajRoy.]

@@samiinaaI was the reputed gossip in my area. I was the trusted source of information lmao

[@itsalwayshalloweenexceptwh5118]

My mom calls the gossip train the "tam tam". She'll tell her friend something about my brother, and a day later she'll meet someone else from the neighborhood who will ask my mom about it.

[@umbellicalchick5635]

I mean the difference though is that you're being publicly humiliated on a much bigger scale with tik tok

[@PokhrajRoy.]

TikTok Surveillance more like Deuxmoi for the general public.

[@loorthedarkelf8353]

God reminds me of middle school where people would just come up and lie to me about the people I hung out with, or vice versa and I'd suddenly have to put out a fire for something I DIDN'T EVEN DO. Exclusion sucks. Being lied about sucks even more. Be careful not to enable the rumor mill just because there's an occasional okay outcome.

[@batterypowers-j2d]

Honestly, Id wanna know if my partner cheated on me.. If it was an open relationship it wouldnt really matter. But it is kinda strange that people will just film you in public...

[@Geckotape]

It could still have desastrous consequences, even if it was a polyarmorous set-up. You might live in a more conservative area. Coworkers or family, that you were not ready to be out to, might see it. if you have a conservative employer or are somehow dependent on conservative family-members... this could still get you in deep shit.

[@AlyssaTaylor9]

I would certainly want to know... but these things need to be handled with tact and respect for my privacy. Finding out via public tiktok is not it.

[@logan2113]

Yeah somebody in the open/poly relationship I would be so mortified if my partner got called out for cheating in a massively public way, also if I was receiving all this pity when we're just trying to live our lives. And for the people who do want to know because that's not a part of the relationship there's this joy in public shaming that people take without considering how it might impact the person who's going to find out that their partner is been lying to them in front of the world online.

[@EmissaryofWind]

I would want a friend to tell me, I wouldn't want a stranger to tell everyone in the world. That's a pretty big difference.

[@chiefpurrfect8389]

It's still fully possible to cheat while poly... Open relationships require A LOT of communication actually. Just because you can sleep with other people doesn't mean there aren't people off limits.

[@Sib666]

This all feels so Orwellian to me. This is exactly how surveillance states work, the state doesn’t have the resources to surveil everyone 24/7, so they make it profitable for the citizens to surveil each other. In this instance, the profit is getting clout and feeling like you have the moral high ground.

[@ameliastevie7331]

I do not care if someone is saying something vicious and cruel about their friend. If they aren't planning on doing real material harm to them, stay out of it. Policing the people around you and making people afraid to say anything at all in fear of being put on blast publicly is unacceptable. There is no excuse for surveilling random strangers you don't know. A surveillance state utilizes this tactic of policing one another and nobody should play into it.

[@lizardlace9510]

i have developed new social anxieties in public because of the social surveillance online (+ my marginalised identities meaning i am v vulnerable to online harassment)

[@unluckyomens370]

I definitely agree I was already really anxious about a lot of things socially like my walk, the way I breathe, my voice, and noise sensitivity and while I have managed to lessen a lot of those this whole thing with stranger surveillance is enough to get me to worse than I was before luckily I live in the suburbs and only really go outside for daily walks anymore so I dont have many situations where I would likely be recorded but in areas like cities I can imagine it being too much for me

[@vcutler4735]

The one about bride and bridesmaids should have absolutely not been posted on tiktok. It was catty awful behavior on the part of the bridesmaids but holy hell that's just setting the bride up to suddenly be thrown into the spotlight and maybe she wants to take her friendship L in private?? Like if that were me (the bride) I would have expired from the embarrassment of my L being shown online!

[@dejausser]

I would 100000% rather just never find out about my friends talking like this about me than find out via a viral tiktok like this, the absolute humiliation of walking around not knowing who you know also knows about it would just be so awful

[@justafish9618]

As someone who's in an open relationship (it's nearly 10 years) I can't imagine if anything like that happened, you're not out to everyone around you regarding that so now...what? You have to out your private sex life to people you don't trust with that info? Be forced to expose yourself to judgement?

[@bosstowndynamics5488]

I'm speculating a lot here, and I'm going to be very clear this is only a possibility and not me stating facts: I have had friends before who might be described charitably as "outgoing" -> some (not all!) of these friends are, often unintentionally, very attention seeking, always seeking to insert themselves into every interaction or centre every aspect of an event around themselves. That can be very undesirable in some circumstances, but it's not disqualifying from a friendship because a person's actions and personality are far more than just how much they seek attention. Only hearing Merissa and a random bystander who sided with Merissa comment on the situation means the account is quite one sided - it's entirely possible that the friends in question think the world of her but just didn't think she was a good fit for this specific event for this or other reasons. I don't think that every friend has to be your bestest BFF to be a true friend (just like how you don't need to invite your parents to game night or your highschool buddy to a work do - you don't have to be totally on board with every single potential interaction with every person you relate to), so my take here is that it's entirely possible that her friends were acting in good faith and it was just misread as sinister intent.

[@TaraMooknee]

interesting!

[@heyspeckle8782]

Absolutely. I've had a friend who was super fun in some situations, but she could be a bit of an energy vampire, so I wouldn't want her to be around on every occasion.

[@hexonyou]

As soon as I read the text in the thumbnail it reminded me of a similar event years ago. Back when my kiddo was just a toddler I had taken him out to play in the snow- when I came back in I realized my phone was missing. Luckily, one of our neighbors found it and brought it back. After giving it to my spouse, he covertly informed my spouse that I was receiving a lot of texts from a guy named Steve and he just wanted my spouse to be aware. He was a nice guy and obviously concerned, but uh-- yeah, I'm poly and my spouse definitely knew about any person I happened to be talking to at the time. It was funny to me because I was sure the guy felt awful thinking he caught something elicit, but it was just a big shrug for us.

[@1catlas1]

literally today i tagged a friend in a video about our other friend and because some random decided it was rude and TAGGED MY FRIEND AFTER FINDING HER ACCOUNT! my comment wasn't even malicious, just joking about something funny she does. the only reason i never tagged her was because she doesn't even use TikTok very often. honestly, its just creepy and intrusive. it takes away peoples choice in what they tell their friends or partners, forcing them to deal with a difficult situation which 1) might not even be very serious and you misinterpreted it causing it to seem worse or 2) might not be something someone is in the right situation/headspace to deal with. in conclusion, mind your own business unless its obviously mean!

[@QueenOfTheRandom]

I have revealed to a stranger that her partner was cheating (he lived with a guy I knew, so I knew he was actually cheating), but I did it by reaching out to her privately. I can't imagine what good would come from posting it online, I bet she would have been absolutely mortified!

[@anniejankovic8056]

Also just anything that furthers the surveillance state, or the idea that it's okay to film strangers, or that by being in public you consent to being filmed at any time. I find that stuff kind of grim

[@MadeleineSwannSurreal]

The humiliation of finding out something like this online would be horrific. Also. . Guys and girls can actually be friends, a lot of people don't seem to get that

[@hopehowell4338]

I hate celebrity gossip mags. When I was a hair stylist I was expected to know all this crap. It was the worst. Now that anyone can blast random people on social media, I have zero interest in putting much up on social media.

[@AshleyOlivia90]

Even in the friends situation, feel like we all need to mind our own business in public more. No reason to blast even the bad friends, let them figure it out by themselves

[@steminist4517]

It’s a good day when Tara posts!

[@danielsykes7558]

^^^

[@MsSasoDei]

I think the big difference with the friends talking behind someones back situation is that there is something explicitely negative happening where you have much more context and much more proof that someone isn't being a good person. The cheating situation just lack all of that. Just because you see someone text two different people "I love you" doesn't mean they must be cheating, it's just bias perception in that moment. But someone explicitely saying that they hated their friends wedding? You can't get more open than that.

[@vaska00762]

Imagine accusing a guy of cheating because he texted "I love you" to his mum....

[@thetinmanwich]

Except none of the example videos included that. Most of these cheating exposes are about someone overhearing someone verbally confirm they are cheating.

[@botanicalitus4194]

well saying mean words are still significantly less bad than cheating which could lead to STl's or financiaI ruin, so I dont buy the idea that its ok in the friend situation but not others

[@Loki_K]

Right?! I've sent MULTIPLE texts to a guy that said "I fxcking GD love you, boobear" and he's sent back "I fxcking love you more". ... We're both gay as hell and have life partners - I'm a Uhaul NB lesbian in a 15yr partnership and he's actually legally married. Anyone looking over my shoulder could easily mistake stuff.

[@lujorom9172]

@@Loki_K thisss people dont know that some people hardcore flirt with their friends (or are literally poly)

[@worthasandwich]

I don't know, there have been times where I have needed to rant about a friend and sometimes that might happen when I'm out at a restaurant or just in public. I know that it is technically in public but I don't think we should have to police our selves that much. A stranger likely will not know the context of that conversation.

[@trashcat39]

Before this, I didn't really care about talking in public but this is kinda worrying and scary lol

[@chrishickory7907]

Imaging just having a peaceful lunch with a friend only to have some creep videotaping you across the room, thinking you're cheating

[@ikniet5032]

I’ve had one breakup and one fake friend and you bet it’s the fake friend that stills haunts me and makes very unsure about other friendships from time to time

[@dragonquestV]

I think this is a similar situation to the popularity of police videos and interigation "analysis" videos that focus on body language pseudo-science - is that people care more about punishment/retribution and ""catching the bad guy"" rather than any sort of restoritive justice, social reforms or actually considering the feelings or agency of the victim

[@alicealysia]

The open relationship part is really important. As someone who is very openly very polyamorous, as in, complete relationship anarchy type situation, strangers seem to constantly assume I'm the biggest cheater on the planet... Despite everyone I'm currently dating or flirting with, having partners other than myself too, and all of us knowing each other quite well. So the thought of someone filming my relationship, putting it on tiktok, and calling any of us cheaters, is terrifying.

[@morgankayex]

Hitchcock's film "Rear Window" touches on these ethics, especially considering it was made during the Cold War. It's a must-see for these weird times imo

[@ripwednesdayadams]

marissa’s situation brought back a flood of memories. when i was in college i was friends with a group of girls. two of the girls could be mean and kind of bullied me but would also act like they were my friends. i was really close with the other girls so it’s not like i could only hang out with three of them because we did everything together as a group- including living together. one night we all went to a bar and one of the girls gave me her keys but later took them back. when it was time to go she couldn’t find the keys and accused me of losing them. she tore me apart, screaming things like “how can you be such a fucking stupid bitch?” i was kind of drunk so i just walked outside and down then block where i broke down sobbing. later, i found out later from another that she had her keys the entire time. she realized it when i was outside crying and made everyone promise not to tell me. it took a couple more years for me to realize that these people treated me horribly and the good times didn’t outweigh the bad.

[@headintheclouds4571]

I understand the points made but I think that “it’s none of our business” should be the blanket rule. Because at the end of the day we know 1% of the story and, like you said, things can get out of hand so fast. Now we’ve got situations where the cheater is being doxxed and threatened, like that’s not right. I think there are very, very few cases where it all turns out alright and that we can never guess which situations are going to be like that so we should just stay quiet. Sure tell someone in real life but if you’re right next to them why would you put it on the internet?

[@logan2113]

I got told years after I finished post secondary school that the people who I thought were my friends hated spending time with me and actively talked about not wanting me around. And they didn't like me for reasons that I would not have changed. I understand, but I fucking wish someone told me because literally somebody just needed to say that we were different people and I probably had people i fit with more. And I did! I don't like the behaviour from them that I used to not tolerate lol Nobody was brave enough just to tell me that I wasn't wanted in a space, that they valued the behaviour I used to say was rude, and it was so embarrassing to find out later. I can't tell when people don't want me around, I so badly wish somebody just pulled me aside and said something. I could've put more energy into building the friendships that wanted me back

[@kwarra-an]

It's the opposite for me: I was told years afterwards that my high school friends couldn't stand me at first, and were only nice to me because they felt sorry for me. I really wish nobody had told me that. It spoiled a lot of happy memories.

[@logan2113]

@@kwarra-an I'm so sorry to hear that. You deserved both a chance to make an impression and also people who celebrated how you lived your life.

[@katierasburn9571]

Sure, but its real hard to tell someone whos doing nothing wrong that you straight up dont like them and dont want them around, its incredibly harsh

[@logan2113]

@@katierasburn9571 No what's harsh is talking badly behind their back and letting them just continue to be subjected to that because you're (not you necessarily) being a coward about establishing reasonable boundaries. It doesn't have to be phrased "we don't like you you suck" but hey when you do these things we don't appreciate it, do you think those are things you'd feel comfortable _____ (not doing, changing). and if not, and i wouldn't have, then being really honest like well there isn't anything wrong with it but we don't want that in our friend group. it's much easier to recover from "there are people who fit you more than us" than "hey those people who were your friends? yeah they were so annoyed by you and complained about you all the time" that is so freaking humiliating. it's just another break up. i don't want friends to pity friend me or hang around because they're scared to end things. that's THEIR problem, it shouldn't be mine.

[@ZZ-qy5mv]

Post college, I don’t need my friends to invite me to everything. If any of them want to have a birthday party on their own, they can have fun. We all have our own lives.

[@makailahoover6177]

In the least creepy way possible, you have one of the best video essay voices I've ever heard

[@TaraMooknee]

after reading comments roasting my voice I appreciate this, so thank you!

[@milkteamachine]

What's truly off-putting to me is how EXCITED the people making these videos are to get all up into someone else's business, they're so eager to "expose" a complete stranger. I don't need to hear about some catty woman I don't know running her mouth about the wedding she was in, let people make their own experiences. Sometimes you have shitty friends, or are being cheated on, but you DON'T need to have it broadcasted online. Truly not everything needs to be a public spectacle.

[@rainbowgirl3225]

As someone in a non-monogamous relationship that we have to keep quiet because of family, I would be horrified if someone did this to me.

[@Robin-of2jt]

i disagree that posting the videos about friends is better than with romances. for me theyre both just bad and invasive. i just think its a violation of privacy, and i feel like theres a difference between wanting to know about a situation and wanting to find out on a public internet platform through strangers

[@elleyco]

I did see one where op was filming/calling out a married dude for having a close/“friendly” convo with a woman, not his wife, at a hotel bar. His wife responded basically saying chill out. That’s a close family friend, they’re waiting for a work event, and mind your own business.

[@kev2034]

People like OP are the same people who don't think women and men can be friends if I had to guess

[@lordfreerealestate8302]

As someone with anxiety and social phobia, this is my worst nightmare. This stuff is getting out of hand.

[@laceyjo89]

I think the friends ones are just as bad. I remember seeing one recently where the person who the tiktok was about found it and asked her friends about it, and they said that some of what the tiktoker said was true, but they were exaggerating the severity of what they said and twisting it to make it sound worse. and she stated that she and her friends worked it out. But ppl started attacking her for believing her friends over a stranger. She also mentioned that she had repeatedly asked the person who made the tiktok to delete it and they ignored her.

[@FishTheFred]

I feel like not wanting one of your friends at your birthday party isn't that big of a deal. Certain personalities don't always mix well, and the way the friends did it by making it seem like an unfortunate scheduling issue is one of the nicer way to handle it. If i were in the same situation as Marissa, i honestly wouldn't want to know.

[@DOCDOCFLAMINGOS]

Ummmmm just my 3¢....... While I can agree that the idea of having the party on a date that a friend you don't want to invite will be out of town eas a "Nicer" option!!!!!...... BUT... How the actually handled the whole thing and ran their mouths about it all was anything but a "nice"!!??!!... .. They were Horrible Nasty Petty People!!!

[@Schottladen]

No, the nicest way to handle is to be honest about it. Like who the fuck doesn't want one of their alleged friends at a party because they're so scared of that friends charisma and ougoing nasture? That's just wild to me. And then instead of talking to her so she can maybe wingwomen it up or whatever to just lie about it really shows how little she valued that friendship in the first place

[@InThisEssayIWill...]

Marissa says that she was out of town with OTHER FRIENDS, girl was not hurting for social engagement and we get no further information about how close she was to this initial group of friends to begin with. It could have been a group she only recently began interacting with and they just.. weren't that close and her being there was changing the usual dynamic. Also.. it was the friends birthday, they are allowed to spend it however and with whoever they want. If tiktok dude hadn't put them on blast who knows what would have happened. Maybe their relationship would have grown closer and she would have been a key part of the friend group from them on OR maybe they were just never a good fit and they would have drifted further apart. WE WILL NEVER KNOW. I'm happy that something good came out of it, those lonely friend meet ups sound so cool, and Marissa doesn't deserve to feel excluded for who she naturally is (and, again, wouldn't have felt that way if tiktok dude had just.. gone about his business) but honestly being butt hurt that you aren't everyone's cup of tea is just as much petty high school behavior as secretly excluding someone in order to feel more comfortable on your own birthday.

[@what-ym2mf]

​@@InThisEssayIWill...Agree!

[@MarissaMeizz]

@@InThisEssayIWill...​​⁠hi! i didn’t want her to “move the party so i could go” she purposely put it on that weekend because she knew i was going out of town, and i actually was going out of town to put my dog down and they wouldn’t come with me so when she put the party that day it was like a slap to the face x5

[@jxey1]

People forget that the people they're videoing are.. real people, with real feelings. If i was filmed in public and posted on tiktok i would honestly be mortified.

[@ksdtsubfil6840]

This whole situation can become a Chilla's Art horror game

[@Toccata.]

This!

[@lavose8709]

I would love to see CoryKenshin or Kubz Scouts play that!

[@dunnejos8423]

The latter story is a completely different barrel of fish, the focus wasn't on witch-hunting the bad friends, it was about uplifting the victim and making her feel like she wasn't alone. Even if it isn't real, It's a relatable and heartfelt story. I choose to believe she was being earnest about her feelings.

[@unluckyomens370]

I think another nice part there is the person was able to choose wether they entered the public eye or not to an extent so I’m more conflicted on that one since it is still dragging someones issues into the public eye so I cant say im fully on board but i think its a lot better than describing sending tiktok which isnt very famous as a gentle place after someone

[@jasperjazzie]

@@unluckyomens370 true, but also even if you chose not to enter the public eye, you've still got all these people vaguely aware of you talking about you, speculating on what you must have done to "deserve" being ditched by your friends and how you must be a bad friend when they know literally nothing about you, so i imagine it'd suck pretty hard. it's better than the "exposing cheaters" people but i still think that guy shouldn't have made all this public

[@criticaloptimist]

But can’t someone decide who to invite to their birthday party? Sometimes there are people that require so much attention, they’re not fun to be around. And why should someone reschedule their birthday for their friend?

[@NatalieM123]

Honestly , I can imagine several situations where if we actually knew both sides, we wouldn’t be so quick to judge. The tattletale stuff needs to stop. You don’t know what everyone was actually doing (or what they have been doing for months or years) and you maybe saw one person who just couldn’t take it anymore and it came out as petty. It’s ridiculous that people are posting it online and letting everyone draw their conclusions with a snippet of information.