Why You Can't Let Go of the Past

[@marykennedysherin3330]

Learning how to have healthy attachments with healthy people is hard. If we spent our lives detatching for self preservation, if feels more comfortable to stay isolated

[@caroleminke6116]

Yup

[@Everythingismeaningless344]

This is 💯 percent correct

[@milliem8051]

Exactly, I’ve had some toxic unhealthy relationships and I’m at the point I’m too afraid to try, not to mention it gets harder the older you get.

[@markusbaumgartner9266]

And don't forget, there is the pressure of just sustaining yourself. Earning enough money to rent and eat and commute is all I can do, there is nothing left for anything else

[@nadine8975]

Your ability to simplify this is incredible. I have yet to connect with a professional who could take something so abstract and normalize it in a concrete way.

[@angieangie991]

@@nadine8975 I've had the same experience! Tim and Dr. Ramani are the best.

[@Ganeden_Y]

Most of these things are healthy when done in moderation. It's the excessive compulsive way of doing them that makes them unhealthy.

[@Augfordpdoggie]

Tim, I can't thank you for all of your work. I have improved more in my mental state more from the past 2 years from watching your video, than 25 years of therapy. May God Bless you.

[@Wszystko_minie]

The problem is that I don't know who I am and what I need to show to the people

[@cloudwalker8266]

@@Wszystko_minie It's wonderful that you have recognized this. Now you have a solid place to start. Healing always begins with YOU, not other people.

[@samy9572]

Wellah courage

[@billbadiha9836]

There might be underlying beliefs around external validation and seeking approval outside of yourself and a belief that you need to present yourself a certain way to be accepted.

[@caroleminke6116]

You’re lovable ♥️ People that cannot accept you as you really are 💔 don’t love you but you’re really capable of loving your inner child ❤️‍🩹 if you get to know how she feels!

[@NEbluefire]

I'm not sure if this is going to be a lightbulb moment for you or not but I do have something to tell you about this. First of all, I give you credit for being able to see and admit that the problem is what it is. What you said was that the problem is that you don't know who you are, and you need to show people. I think you've got it almost right. Allow me to suggest that the problem is that you don't know who you are, and so you think you need them to tell you. I wonder if you relate to this. You're like a toy on a shelf that doesn't come to life until the child takes it down and plays with it. Do you relate to it? Or not quite? The thing is that this is an extraordinarily dangerous practice. You may have heard this expression: "Opinions are like (I will use the polite biological term) anuses, everybody has one." You then become subject, not only to every good thing that people see in you, but to every bad thing they see in you, every bad thing in themselves that they project on you, you become nothing more than an instrument of their projection. I know this because I did it myself for a long, long time. You are taking yourself, your self-esteem, and your self worth, and putting it in the hands of strangers who may not have your best interests at heart, who may have their own issues, and you may not actually be seeing you accurately at all. Or they might get you perfectly, but because you don't know who you are, you don't have a frame of reference in which to believe that they're right, so you keep looking for the validation over and over again. In fact, I would be willing to bet that this mechanism is part of why you don't know who you are. You've probably had too many people already project things on you, possibly from a very young age. I hope that I'm not being too verbose, I am just sharing the benefit of my own experience, and the things I've learned about it surrounding the concept that you described.

[@74GenX]

Do not regret the past nor wish to shut the door on it ❤

[@g1fcg]

I still don't know who I am, and I'm in my middle 60's!! The thing with complex/developmental trauma is, it is not pragmatic like he talks about - its autonomic adaptions, as a child you don't think 'I know I'll become an aggressive or whatever child, that'll get me noticed'! It really doesn't work like that!!

[@LolaAileenVanslette]

@@g1fcg Same. I'm just learning how I got to this place. It only took me 61 years. Still trying to find me though.

[@mariodebenedetti9276]

i just cant do all this shit while having a work life, i dont know what to do,its too much, im tired, in my last straw, im not gonna survive another 40years of this, i don want to live like this anymore, my depression took everything from me, this is no way to live

[@caroleminke6116]

Start with feeling your feelings first 💔 depression is anger turned inward ❤️‍🩹 so let your feelings come to the surface even if that feels exhausting ♥️ you have an inner child who wants you to love her & you’re stronger than you now know!

[@holisticcatmom]

How do i do this, i am being my worst problem by continuing the self sabotage and feeling worthless and afraid and thinking i cant provide for myself, and looking for help outside of myself. Begging my mother for help is getting me nowhere.

[@unowen7416]

​@@holisticcatmomI don't know what your situation is, but I am sorry. Family issues are hard. If you are an adult, your family is not obligated to help you, unfortunately. Is trauma the reason why you can't work?

[@stefaniakonstantinidou981]

Ask God for help. U ll see changes real soon. Guaranteed

[@brendaraleigh9302]

I don’t FEEL like going to a 12 step meeting, but I do it anyways. If nothing changes,nothing changes ❤️‍🩹

[@elsh332]

This was really interesting to listen to. The progression of failed connections was spot on and I could see it in myself and my own life. I recently chose to start a no/low spend year for 2025 and its caused me to be confronted with all sorts of realities about why I kept shopping and the purpose behind all the stuff I own. I have been hiding, burying myself under a mound of material belongings because, as I heard my inner voice say, "stuff is safe; stuff is comforting. Possessions are predictable; people are unpredictable." I grew up in a narcissistic family system where both grandfathers liked children. One liked kids in nappies, and the other liked teenagers. So I was heavily abused. My mother and grandmother turned a blind eye - my mother even accused me of lying when I told her! And she had abusive boyfriends too. There was no shortage of abuse and neglect until she kicked me out at 13 years old. But it continued after that. The world is a dangerous place for a screwed up unprotected traumatised child. Men took advantage and even women did too. Now in my 40s and having had 2 narcissistically abusive husbands, I'm single and struggling with poor mental health. I'm taking things one day at a time and learning how to dismantle the lies and damage in my head and build a better life and future for the sake of not only myself but my 5 children as well. It is hard work and quite confronting but well worth it. I'm looking forward to the rest of my life now ❤

[@stefaniakonstantinidou981]

Wow! You are a hero! God be with you. He won t let go

[@elsh332]

@stefaniakonstantinidou981 thank you 😊 by His grace I have a future and a hope!! God is good 👍

[@sovereign.spirit]

Thank you for sharing your story ~ you are such a courageous person with a lot of light in you ~ it really comes through. Never ever give up on your beautiful self. You are beyond worthy of all the goodness coming toward you ❤

[@americaneden3090]

❤ u have great resilience and courage. Live for those u created, mourn that someone didn't regard u in the same manner, and LIVE like those assholes cannot hurt u anymore ❤

[@jodycasey6936]

I connected by being the good child.

[@jeankipper6954]

Loving your work. You are so correct. Becoming more aware of limits I had to develop to survive. Sometimes. How does one even know what's authentic, when that was so diligently beaten out of us? What even IS that? I'm thinking, oh, do what you're interested in doing, and develop contact through that? Well safe interests are real, and great. And solitary. My therapist is extraordinarily patient, he understands this more than I do. And often teaches by demonstration. It has taken 3 years to begin to trust him. Is this going to take forever.

[@eremei.angela]

People are like seasons because of patterns in our behavior. We are so different, yet so alike. Thank you so much for sharing your wisdom.

[@secretivescorpio891]

This was 💯 accurate of my childhood trajectory

[@LolaAileenVanslette]

Interestingly, I leaned in to being different than everyone else. I never was able to connect with people, other than my handicapped brother. It's very difficult to make a relationship work though. Been through too many toxic people.

[@need4HIM]

I think you do an excellent job of breaking down and describing the root causes

[@helenenorman3598]

Thank you! 🙏🇸🇪

[@suap309]

I let myself feel angry now. It's healthy. I use anger processing tools such as the silent scream, yoga for anger and shaking my body hard. I was never allowed to be angry back to my parents'abuse, 40 years later I'm processing the pain, hurt and anger in the ACA 12 step group.

[@humaniodalien]

Tim would do a video on neurodivergents that had childhood trauma?

[@steelearmstrong9616]

Thanks so much Tim. You have no idea how much you have helped me. You truly are the best

[@caroleminke6116]

My needs are shameful 💔 I must suppress myself to receive love ❤️‍🩹 so I love you & abandon me ♥️ but that’s not true love 💔 it’s such a vicious cycle until we love ourselves ❤️‍🩹 with authenticity & without conditions ♥️ that’s absolute love!

[@Mudpuppyjunior]

My first FA was iii, iv and v. My last FA was ii and iii. They're completely exhausting and impossible to have a relationship with but I still love them both madly because under the trauma they were incredible women. Neither seems to be healing.

[@carrie618]

Wow. So insightful. Thank you!

[@niningsetia4213]

@@carrie618 thank you!

[@Summer_and_Rain]

It just hit me. Could the fact that a child could not get there needs meet, mean that they grow up and attach themselves to their partner, in an attempt to have their needs meet there? Because in my family, there is a big issue because a lot of our men have narc tendencies and our women tends to throw everything away to be with their partner. Which means a lot of our kids end up with complex trauma, from being left to themselves/having to grow up quickly. I myself have experience being completely sucked into a friendship, that made me unable to spend time with anyone else, which is a common trade with the women of my family, everyone I know have done it or does it, but in a romantic relationship and it is painful to experience as the thrown out part. It took my mom more then two years to return to her normal self after dating her current husband. It is kind of like taking a sip of water and then realizing how thirsty you where and are now unable to stop gobbling down water, even if it is a bit painful.

[@sovereign.spirit]

Thank you ❤

[@miuthub7954]

I feel like I'm still doing this...

[@2ndChanceAtLife]

Me too. At 64.

[@milliem8051]

Me too I’m 39, don’t have friends, I always seem to get used. I’m done with it

[@niningsetia4213]

Me too.....

[@chueikiir]

Me too!

[@g1fcg]

You can't let go of the past - cos the past won't let go of you!!

[@niningsetia4213]

Really? I dnt past ny pass😂😂😂 How im gonna do? U first? Me tooooooo.... I think you are the greatest love at ALL Your face so lovely and make all man fantazies you as the One he needs yp touch

[@barbaravieira2239]

🤔 As a child television was my family and books were my only friends.

[@malemyr2]

Hi Tim... your content is excellent, I've following you for many years now. Thank you for that! Just a side note: you are too close to the microphone, it's popping and the very breathy... makes your talk hard to listen to.

[@Ngan.marianguyen]

You havent met me, yet your videos always seem to describe me EXACTLY. @4:35 that was me at my old church group. I felt like a slave and a piece of shit there tbh. I couldnt have my own needs and wants.. only serve God. They didnt see how broken i was, only what i could do for them. I hated that fking group w a passion. I stayed for 3 years. Almost killed me 😢😢😢😢

[@humaniodalien]

Anyone here a neurodivergent and felt weird around your parents?

[@mariatriantafyllou-g3d]

I write, I like to write. I am inspired by many things. Sometimes by humans. Some have become important, some were just a moment that I don't even remember their name, nor the shape of their face. I flirt, I like to flirt. Ιt's healthy. I don't make relationships for the sake of relating. I don't even care ti have this type of relationship. I rarely fall in love with people, I mess up everything when it happens, I cause panic, I drown. I don't do everything for love. I don't tryst people that make everything out of love. I think that they are not strong enough. I don't want thwm in my lofe.....What do I? I do many things to give enough space to other to find me if he wants. If he doesn't, it's ok..I overcome it .If I see you as my friend, that means that I see something to you that don't see often or time make us to feel this way. If I see you as a friend and you go against me, it is one of the most painful things you can do. I will probably struggle for many years .

[@luvqraft6024]

The only person I need to get rid of is one that I CANT get rid of. Gave birth to him

[@jodirowe2996]

You may have to do what I had to do…the hardest thing I ever did…let them go. Then suddenly your aches & pains disappear

[@ritad3747]

Wow Yepp

[@Ganeden_Y]

Most of these things are healthy when done in moderation. It's the excessive compulsive way of doing them that makes them unhealthy.

[@Abdulwadud-I]

❤

[@2ndChanceAtLife]

🩵🩵🩵 Aren't we ALL affected by this to some degree?