20 Tips for Managing Demand Avoidance in Autistic Kids

[@Pete_1972]

These are great tips for adults too. I’m on holiday and I plan every activity to the minute. If there is any unexpected change in my very structured schedule I actually flip out. Thank you Orion.

[@jenniferferris44]

Ya like anything changes it shatters my inertia and my evergy levels down to like nothing

[@Omneyvdwatering]

So at the age of 50, i'm learning about this. And looking back on my life, i see that many times i ran into problems because of this. I'm still running into it right now. I was called stupid and lazy, And those were the nicer terms my mother used for it. I managed to finish highschool, though at a lower level than I was really able to with my intelligence. I went to 2 colleges and didn't finish any of them. Now in my later years i'm learning and understanding more and more and you're one of the reasons why. Your content is very helpful! [edit] i'm at number 10 now and am realising my parents did none.. absolutely none of these. No wonder i felt so shitty all the time...

[@salviaexpedition]

Sunlight and hot weather is one of my worst overstimulating things. I start to worry because I get heat strokes easier and sunlight gives me migranes and my skin burns easily.

[@Jenn12141983]

Autonomy is huge for my AuDHD daughter. Getting ready in the morning was often a nightmare and ended in one or both of us in tears. Recently I had the idea to write out her morning routine on her favorite color paper and let her decorate it. Now she has the visual reminder, and she’s happier that I’m not constantly reminding her what she needs to do every morning which stresses her out. It’s not perfect, but it has helped tremendously.

[@mr_ekshun]

Oooooh I've been thinking of the weather one recently! I've been realizing more and more just *why* I seem to hate bright sunny days so much, especially in the desert climate I live in. Everything is way too hot (even if it's only 80F), the sun and any mildly reflective surface (including sidewalks/concrete) is too bright, the worst smells are extremely strong (trash, asphalt, car exhaust, etc), and so on...

[@suecollins357]

Great tips, thanks. About the handwriting issue, I heard some researchers recently saying that if something is written it gets stored in a different area of memory to when something is typed. The handwritten memory box is much more likely to end up in the long term memory box than the typed. Also, thanks for not editing out your humour 😊

[@nessidoe8080]

That might be true and good to know for people who don't have trubles with handwriting. But if the choice is between no homework because hand writing is too difficult, or grade a typed homework, it's irrelevant. I'm so grateful my kids school is supportive in this. It also makes a huge diffrence in our fanily lives, not to fight about homework

[@SLYKM]

In first grade, they are forced to write, but I get it at this age is it handwriting difficulty or being a new writer? Computers are awesome, wish it was easily accessible when I was in school.

[@julietteferrars3097]

Using this to parent myself 💜

[@lindalincoln1652]

I think I do this....all the time. Crap, late diagnosis is such a challenge. I wish I had been diagnosed at a young age since I see people who are much more stable and able to even recognize what is even going on. This is a nightmare and I am not managing well. I am so grateful for this community...the only place I feel sane these days (o:

[@FrederickHopper77]

I used to feel that way too until I remember the way people who were diagnosed as children were treated when I was a child. I’m pretty early into my adulthood too. I think there’s been a major boom in awareness and also actual autistic people and creators (which I never saw as a child, most autism advocates were neurotypical adults). While of course children today are experiencing less of the anxiety and stress because they’re being taught how to effectively regulate themselves, autistic children when I was a child were taught to suppress stims and were talked about and treated like they had an intellectual disability (which they did not). I myself and struggling a lot with stability but I also realize that my diagnosis coming earlier wouldn’t have been helpful for me because the online community of autistic people to find the validation and help I needed. I hope things improve for you and it doesn’t always feel like it but things are diffidently improving for the community every day

[@lindalincoln1652]

@@FrederickHopper77 Thank you for your comments. I would not have thought about the "challenges" part of early diagnosis. I see so many young people with autism on here and they are such beautiful souls. I see the biggest benefit to my diagnosis, will be for my son and grandchildren. At least my son will be better able to recognize early signs and maybe put support systems in place for the girls (granddaughters). It warms my heart to think they can get better help, if needed. Thank you for your comment

[@Ann963]

@@FrederickHopper77 yes ❤ as I am also late diagnosed AuDHD ✋

[@Cnsalmoni]

Getting a tshirt that says,” My child’s a wild free range roaming chicken or something.”

[@heedmydemands]

Lol

[@ShadoeLandman]

“Parent of a Free Range Child” maybe?

[@TeriHargraveartist]

Excellent idea 🙂

[@Crouteceleste]

The tip about the safe place that is not their bedroom is sooo useful. I remember growing up and until I was a young adult our home was so small and crowded that every room already had a human in there and sometimes I just needed to be alone to calm my hurt senses. I didn't have any space to exist peacefully outside of my bedroom. So my bedroom became both my safe place and my prison. I became depressed and I was frequently seeking escape at places away from home that didn't belong to anyone but still felt safe (libraries and bookshops, mainly). Until I became so depressed and burnt out I could not go outside anymore, so I forced myself to go to another country entirely for a year. I was outside most of the day doing physical work. It cured me (or rather, I cured myself) but it was very difficult to achieve. Now I have my whole home to myself and it's not too small so it's much better.

[@NightMystique13]

Your self awareness and ability to reflect and improve demonstrates your high intelligence.

[@CatalogK9]

Pokémon Sleep and Pokémon Smile are fantastic resources for reinforcing healthy sleep and toothbrushing habits!

[@siouxzyable]

I’m running to look this up now omg haha thank you for commenting this

[@randomperson6433]

My son isn’t that into Pokémon Sleep but I have played since September 😂. My sleep habits haven’t improved but it’s fun. Maybe if Professor Neroli were more like the Duolingo owl I’d be guilted into sleeping more.

[@NightMystique13]

Wish my 30 yr old son had those apps as a child-Pokémon was a major interest for him.

[@amandy771]

Thank you so much for this....and for the transparency of what doesn't work in your house too....that was everything

[@TheCasey0811]

Saving to watch tomorrow at work to see if it will help me with my own avoidance issues

[@yateleyhypnotherapy2111]

And adapt all of the above to suit your child. Like the 10 minute timer…..we had 15 minute stop warning, then 10 min left, then 5 min left, then stop. This allows for computer saves, etc. as they might not have much concept of time. Then, DO IT. Once a rule is broken, it’s no longer a rule. Great video, Orion. As a parent of PDA (& person with PDA), the attitude was really important. The child needs to feel understood & accepted, even when they are difficult. But what I found most helpful was being creative. While rules are rules & routine is routine, but FUN is vital. Races to do things, combine changes in routine with something they will like, put their chores:treats🎉 on a dartboard & the dart chooses for them (strategically placing the chores). I just made that up. I wouldn’t have done that due to holes in the wall or me. I’d use a box with slips or a list with dice. You get the idea. The more fun it was & the more control over it he had, the more likely it was to get done. I have to be honest, bribery with computer games worked the best. But it all came down to finding a way to make HIM choose to do it. The more engaging it was the more likely he would choose rather than balk. Oh! Peer pressure. A friend helped him clean his room and my was it tidy! Homework was done at school (thankfully, those were the biggest fights). There was a “homework club” after school & as long as they worked diligently there, they weren’t required to do any at home. GODSEND. Really great video. And very skill fully phrased to avoid the PDA/autism/behavioural debate that is constant. Could I add that 20 years ago when there wasn’t much info about P/DA, I found the book “The Explosive Child” by Dr Green(e?) invaluable. While it’s a bit more about meltdowns, it includes most (all ?) of the strategies you list, along with others, as strategies to use as meltdown prevention. It also was really great as it taught me…. “In a fight, there are no winners”.

[@ChantalM3]

Ugh, the quote in your last sentence brings to mind a book I was flipping through this morning on the importance of children. I immediately flipped to the section on discipline, because I had my suspicions about the book, and the author stated that your child typically should not have the choice to disobey, and that if something turned into a fight, the parent had to win it. I shared that part with my brother, who was with me, and cursed it out. My son would not be sharing his struggles and difficult feelings with me if I treated him like that.

[@yateleyhypnotherapy2111]

@@ChantalM3 - I’ve seen it in other books since then about social relationships in general, like at work. It’s something that some people, I think, know naturally. But in today’s world we are taught it’s “dog eat dog” and scrambling to the top. But in reality, the more you push someone down, the more of an enemy they become. It’s far better for everyone to be honest though they come out a winner. And if they come out a winner, at least they don’t come out a loser. :-)

[@tilbil3108]

My favourite video yet. Made me feel happy and a bit emotional as this is how I want to be able to help my son!

[@MedievalVixen]

About the one with cleaning up your room... Still not sure if i am autistic or not, but i want to share what was causing demand avoidance for me in this case, in case it might help someone, i think it sounds like it might be an autistic trait? Maybe? IDK anymore... anyways... I had no issue putting away the toys i wasent playing with, like dolls or crayons and stuff, or putting my clothes in the hamper, but what was making me rage/cry was having to put away the toys that i was still playing with, and that was... most of them, everyday, unfortunately. So they saw a mess, but to me, everything was exactly where it was supposed to be. You see, the fisher price fences and the plethora of farm animals are all in pre-determinated place on the floor, the plastic deer and rabbits and wolves are 2 feet farther under the 6 inches christmas tree because there is a forest there, the Lincoln log house is out beside the farm animals because the farmer need a place to live, and the lego city is on the other side of the room because the farmer sometimes needs to to go the city, the cars are in between to simulate traffic, the meccano crane is in the middle of building a bridge for the cars... and i hated to "put them away" because everytime i had to restart my setup all over again and it was destroying all my progress... And it was absolutely devastating when my mom got fed up and "cleaned the room" for me, you get home and expect to play in your setup and the whole setup is gone, and you know you will not be able to put it back exactly like it was...😡The farmers were on their way to wrangle the cattle, but now they cant do that because they and their horses and the cattle are in a box, and they dont even have a farm or a corral to bring them back to! Just thinking back about it makes me extremely frustrated and want to cry... i am almost 40 ... I spent a lot of time thinking about it, and i think what would have helped would have been to have a low , relatively large table in the room where it would have been agreed that what i put on there wont be touched, even for cleaning... At least it would have been off the floor, the mess would have been slightly contained, and I would have felt a lot safer... Anyway, hoping this might help someone understand and/or negotiate something with their kid...

[@bethenecampbell6463]

The table idea makes sense to me. For a couple of years I had a play room occupied by metal shelving units, a handmade doll house and barn and A Lot of Barbies and Barbie stuff. I was able to keep shops and scenes set up for as long as I wanted because the room was "clean" if the only things on the floor were the house and barn. It didn't matter if dolls were out as long as they were in the house or on the shelves in some way. The cars were parked wherever I thought made sense. And no one messed with it when I wasn't around. It was awesome!

[@kellyschroeder7437]

Thank you Orion. Once again late dx add here. As listening was doing an online puzzle. I still feel pressure on myself as doing puzzle to do it right and excellently. Thanks for helping me see some of my proclivities 💙👊

[@kellyschroeder7437]

Meant to say autistic but likely add too 💙👊

[@illuminategacha9776]

I feel like almost all of what I thought were shortcomings and motivation problems just got wrapped up in that discussion of demand avoidance triggers. This is my first time watching one of your videos, and this really seems to be helping! Thank you!

[@teaganbloom]

I really appreciate you for making all this content. It's really helped me understand what's going on in our household. Thank you.

[@Crouteceleste]

I need a routine but I am so demand avoidant that I cannot follow a strict schedule, even if I planned it myself, and even if it's about thing I like ! I cannot even follow my own to-do lists, I found out that if I write something on it, it's almost a given that 90% on there will NOT be done. Also as a student, I could never manage when a teacher/professor asked me to maintain a task long-term by myself especially if it's something that will be evaluated in the end (ex : posting something weekly on the school's twitter, keeping a journal, working on a projetc, practicing a language daily on my own…).

[@Ann963]

I am the same. It’s so frustrating to be unable to “do the thing” whatever it is! 😭

[@angelikaolscher7104]

Autistic adult here. I needed to hear this.

[@Stacey1981]

You're the best!!!!! Thank you for hearing our needs and creating this video!!!!

[@stevenbigbee1766]

I Demand Orion Avoid being so frigging stellar awesome. With presenting all the goods on a subject so clear. Grabs my attention and keeps it..and must he actually know his shit always, and obvious gives a shit. Conversely to majority of others? Too incredible, blows my mind always. Thank you Orion Kelly.

[@Ann963]

😂❤

[@hughobyrne2588]

Even the schedule becomes a demand, though.

[@nancyziegler5724]

These tips are helpful for NT kids as well. Thank you Orion. Good presentation! I will be trying them on my unruly grandchildren this weekend.

[@actipton80]

They didn't care about demand avoidance in the 80's and 90's. I was expected to act like a normal kid, and most of the things geared to help autistic or other disabled people treated us like we were stupid as well as disabled.

[@bethenecampbell6463]

They cared even less in the 60s and 70s. I think it's one of the reasons so many of us were never diagnosed. We were better off being the weird kid in regular classes than being segregated in self contained classrooms where we wouldn't be academically challenged.

[@cowsonzambonis6]

Excellent video!!

[@esm1817]

My son is who I think of immediately. He drags and moans and lets his older brother do all the work. I think part of that is he doesn't want to be yelled at for doing stuff wrong. I recognize the behavior from myself, but boy is it irritating. I try racing him or breaking it down, but on bad days he's just like that no matter what I've tried.

[@Ripley.66]

I'm 57 and I still totally identify with this....

[@TeriHargraveartist]

Not something to grow out of, is it!

[@dlarsen325]

This video was so unbelievably helpful for me and being able to relate to my pda ASD child. Thank you, thank you, thank you... ❤

[@Kiddly3000]

for me someone giving me a list of things verbal is not the right way to get me to do what they want me to do it better to put it down on paper because if you give it to me verbally, I feel like you are telling me I need to get it done now all of it all at once

[@Brainalicious]

Yes! I compare it to having traffic from 4 directions careening into an intersection. Choose!

[@Jenna.g.85]

Good info that can work for autistic adults too

[@detroit_girl]

The biggest mistake I made was listening to a professional tell me my kid wasn’t autistic. Knowing from the age of 18 months he most likely was (motherly instinct?) So for 3/4 years I took behavioral advice from this “professional “ and so had expectations that were not attainable. Fast forward 14 years and we are in an ugly mess. The tip I find is most needed/important tthat I try to teach but he just won’t let me is the relaxation and breathing. Everything that is good for him he resists. He is his own worse enemy. The more I try to help the more friction it causes. Soooo….. I feel like I have no other option than to watch a train wreck. Don’t worry I still try and will never give up but I feel powerless.

[@visionvixxen]

I think a lot of us have dysautonomia…. Or symptoms that often feel like MS….

[@cosievee]

“I’m sitting on a stool. …Not like a ‘Howdy ho!’” 😂 😂😂 Mr. Hankey!

[@orcapodstudio-retronaut]

I still feel this way, even as an adult

[@Green_Roc]

I strongly relate to soooooo many of these triggers (and I am an autistic adult). I may just share this whole video the next time I'm asked what my triggers are... Interrupting my special interests. Oh yeah, meltdown almost guaranteed from me, if anyone does that unexpectedly.

[@Green_Roc]

6:18 oh my. This is why my mother was never fully accepting of me. She corrected me on her death bed.

[@yohaw9129]

15:30 2 Dec SA time Is defiance also some sort of Demand Avoidance. How does a parent/care giver handle it ?

[@esm1817]

My mother-in-law decided to give me some helpful parenting tips. Um...it didn't go so well. I ended up not coming out of my room while she parented my children for a day or two. I couldn't bear the thought of parenting with her eyes on me all day long, like everything was a hands-on exam. I exploded on her too. Both of those things were my bad, but now our relationship is on the rocks and they're mystified as to why I take her "helpful advice" so badly. And they don't believe autism is a thing so there's no use explaining it or I just sound like I'm making excuses about "parenting wrong" and "having issues." Comforts me that they also have some issues obviously.

[@jessicapospolita7506]

I have a hard time Dealing with loud Noises cause i can get Pretty Uncomfortable if they are to loud

[@WilliamAlanPhoto]

You can remove "Kids" from your title and the video itself. I'm 63, and these still apply to me. I bet it's a lot of work, and maybe there is no pay off for you the content creator, but these lists would be a good place for segmented video. Thanks for your excellent presentation as always sir.

[@MsLisa551]

Thank you

[@Krokador]

It's stupidly hard to navigate these things. We're pretty sure everyone in the house is on the spectrum here, but we all have different triggers and ways of expressing ourselves (gf and I are compatible, her teenage daughter is like our polar opposite). When things are too loud for us she refuses to lower her voice/noise making, but if we're sneezing at innappropriate times she gets super mad at us. It's definitely challenging. Honestly, all we ask her to do that she's not already doing is to pick up after herself (but it's a constant because she eats like 20 snacks a day and likes to try tiktok recipes - which rarely turn out, btw. Ugh). She gets upset that we constantly remind her, but if we don't she doesn't do it (and if we do, she doesn't comply or does it halfway or sometimes maliciously)... Sooo draining...

[@dftones19]

Even when I’m sitting I’m gonna let you know just where I stand

[@royahoffmeyer3959]

❤❤❤

[@ShamaJanjua]

Hi there but my one just forced himself to sleep on my bed then waking up 6 am demanding to get up and put tv on I said have patience I am sleeping but he’s shouting so here how’s I did anything for my boy who’s five years old here I didn’t do anything

[@ShadoeLandman]

I absolutely *hated* being told to clean my room. I hate being told what to do, hated my privacy being invaded, hated being told to move things because I won’t remember where I’ve moved them to, and hated being yelled at because I can’t find things because I’ve been forced to clean then being told I can’t find things because I don’t clean enough. Still, at 50 years old, I have the same problems. Vital paperwork is hopelessly lost and my mother still tries to control everything I do and will nag me constantly to do things that have nothing to do with her. She does this no matter how I try to explain or ask her not to, until I end up blowing up and yelling at her. Personally, I don’t want anyone to praise me either because then I feel pressured in the future and judged all the time, so maybe make sure your loved ones want to be praised.

[@turtleanton6539]

Yes🎉🎉🎉

[@resourcedragon]

Minor bugbear of mine but I really don't think children should be required to make beds, especially as typically the bed is jammed against the wall, beds are big and heavy and kids aren't all that big and strong. It's not so bad if the bed has wheels, but if it doesn't, I really think the task is unsuitable for kids.

[@bethenecampbell6463]

Depends on the age of the child, but you can help the littlest ones. Maybe you are doing the actual bed making, but ask the kiddo to arrange the pillows and plushies the way they like and put their pajamas where they should be. Things get tidied, but the things that really matter to a child they have control over.

[@patriciablue2739]

I find nuero typical folks are bothered by any of the above…self soothing and self adjusting are what works.

[@rover790]

Just a quick comment on the non speaking trigger, as a parent how the hell do you communicate with the autistic child, if they will not speak about things or communicate in ANY way so you know. We are NOT mind readers either

[@sarahhays235]

Have them write it down or use an app to facilitate communication.

[@jenniferferris44]

Texting it took me a while but now I can txt while arm waving, lip tracing, n hair curling. Watch out for deregulation that causes hitting, get a phone with rubber bumpers but remember they don't protect all that well it's just better than plastic. Sign language helps a lot too but it's hard for others cuz when I need to use it I only have 1 hand to do it with

[@rover790]

@jenniferferris44 thanks, I will keep that in mind.

[@yateleyhypnotherapy2111]

I found that trying to communicate in a heated moment or about HIM would never work. So, I’d try to find examples to randomly chat about or bring something up out of context. Like, “I am so hot and tired and it makes me feel sad at the same time that I can’t do more today. Do you ever feel like that?” (Maybe a day or 2 after he was really out of sorts). Or, if he DID say something, I’d say something like, “it makes me really happy you feel you can share your thoughts with me” and I’d be really careful to not make him feel bad about what he was saying (sometimes hard when what they are saying is hurtful). But the “whatever they tell you is ok” becomes important later when people are trying to get them to do stuff they shouldn’t. Calm rationality masks the quivering mess inside. :-)

[@rover790]

@@yateleyhypnotherapy2111 thanks, that too is helpful. I am at my wits end some days

[@adalbertoruize]

Madness is the freedom/truth/life of wisdom/love/God found in the beholding eyes of the dead man (religious = conscience living I.e blind to the subconscious truth; the father of life) Because it’s inhuman I.e subconscious father life; love/imagination/reasoning, who’s truth/life/son is unconditional/perfect/holy (the only known good; constant wisdom root of varying knowledge; alpha/omega; king of kings and lord of lords; our heart of heart; inner/stronger man/mind/spirit; soul from unconditional/holy love/spirit)

[@nattance1]

It seems to me that you are continually upset in your videos!! Then I, too, start feeling anxious and upset. Not beneficial, to me, anyway. 😢

[@KingHeadshotTV]

I think it’s the Australian part 100% haha

[@ChantalM3]

I was watching another video by an autistic guy named Chris (Chris and Debbie is the channel), and he pointed out that one way he's misunderstood is that when he gets passionate about something in a conversation, he gets louder and more intense, and people around him think he's angry. I wonder if that's the case with Orion sometimes.

[@Green_Roc]

Cant or wont? Oh oh I CAN walk on hot coals. How about, "can" handle a hot baking pan without a potholder. I rather not.

[@isabellesmama10]

Your content is truly invaluable. Thank you for this video 🥹 ❤