What makes someone attractive? | Romantic Attraction and Similarity

[@amelieverrot4979]

Dr Grande, as a self-diagnosed person with "excessive KZbin watching disorder", I have to say this is the best channel I've come across in a very long time. The quality of your content is astoundingly high, I love your painstaking professionalism and the diversity of the topics you cover. It's rather exceptional to see such a prolific channel with this kind of high-quality content. If you've noticed a significant pike in your views from France in KZbin analytics these days, they're probably all from me!! Looking forward to your next videos.

[@amelieverrot4979]

@@grewalparminder2003 aye mate I guess I do 😁 namaste

[@curiousmind8510]

The same, from France too, salut !

[@imwatching2960]

Same here, from Brazil!!! 😀

[@akehapkap6143]

Dr Grande is amazing. Even helped a lot wit personal issues over a long time, his really clinical ways makes the cognitive thinking get a move on. I'm not kidding. I don't even live in USA. He deserves more subs :)

[@theresewestphal8495]

Bonjour Amelie vive la France!

[@sniffrat3646]

I'm currently binging on this channel. Awesome content

[@tammyjames3481]

Sameee

[@Sara-uy2iq]

Same 😁

[@pauline_f328]

Same 😆

[@OtterMunchy]

i have found that in a successful relationship, liking or loving the same things is much less important than hating the same things. "likes" can be learned and shared, "hates" are usually profound and unchanging. (as a "fer-instance," if one person *hates* human trafficking, and the other thinks "hey, slavery ain't so bad..." this disparity of belief is fundamentally...erm, unbridgeable... humor.

[@OtterMunchy]

@randall-flagg I don’t mean hating PEOPLE...I mean things. I was-additionally-being VERY sardonic. But, pointing out that Nazis are bad can never go amiss...also, if you are married to someone who loves Nazis, whereas you hate them, that is not a balanced or healthy division of interests.

[@chri11203]

I have short attention span but you always speak in a way that makes me watch the whole video.

[@yudivazquez1296]

Same!

[@cindyrhodes]

I found an awesome man who loves to do the same thing in our spare time - travel and explore and conquer new lands. He is more left-brained, though, and I'm an artist, but that difference actually causes us to be very balanced; he respects my artistic nature, and I respect his mechanical and logical one. What I liked about him in the first place is that he loves dogs (raised puppies for the Seeing Eye Foundation), kids (raised his kids on his own!), & older people (very respectful to my parents!). I loved his heart first, and everything else just came about naturally.

[@curtistaylor6433]

Seems like spirituality/religiosity would be a noteworthy dynamic for compitabiltiy

[@jejosi]

Curtis Taylor, good point, I noticed this point missing also! Religion is a huge point to concider for many....

[@generalpatton7876]

Extremely important. Number 1 for myself. Christian first, then looks.

[@annier6835]

Yes. If a man attracted to me was highly religious, it wouldn’t matter to me if he was Brad Pitt. He’d be a no-go!

[@ryanbales8116]

Yep. Especially if they can't accept that a potential partner is of a different religion or has no religion. And if they insist on converting someone, then it won't work. I would never convert to another religion or ask anyone to convert.

[@sherriflemming3218]

3 things create compatibility Emotional maturity blendable lifestyles and shared core values. Chemistry is the tip of the iceberg. Many people still date focused on attraction romance and chemistry. This does not create long term relationship success.

[@kathalloran5828]

Kindness and warmth - yes and I 'm attracted to people who are at least as intelligent as myself also .

[@lilil7351]

Even if bald and thin and short? ;)

[@SirenaSpades]

I'm attracted to men whose net worth is high. I don't give a hoot about their intelligence although I hope they are mute.

[@kathalloran5828]

@@lilil7351 I don't care too much about looks but they have to be able to have a decent conversation. Preferably can occupy themselves though. Ah this fantasy world is lovely ,haha.

[@justme-ld9xz]

Interesting video, trustworthiness and warmth is important to me. Authenticity is a major one for me too, and I value openness to experience. I have an avoidant attachment style, so every time I sense someone likes me or I like someone I get sarcastic and basically run away whenever the two of us are left alone. Argh, so frustrating, but also kind of funny, it's like my subconscious autopilot taking over. I'll work on it one day, but right now it's serving me fine.

[@jh5588]

Glad to know I’m not the only one .... I can have a relationship and be alone and sexual with a woman no problem at all . It’s just when she wants the next level of relationship ,like talking commitment and love , that’s usually when I start feeling suffocated and start distancing or just straight up ghost

[@justme-ld9xz]

@@jh5588 My strategy is making it very hard to approach me, works most of the time. I don't do any casual relationship type of thing, not really my style. I would hate to confuse anyone, or myself for that matter haha.

[@jh5588]

just me I can understand and respect that of you

[@ExoticalFemboy]

This man makes great content.

[@MissNatalonga]

Personally I have chosen ALL my mates by cellphone brand and video-game preference.

[@provethioaltum3276]

Wtf

[@clint3868]

I swear some people do discriminate against android users unironically

[@yannieangerer8558]

Imagine being that shallow :'D

[@marmadukescarlet7791]

Dr Todd’s puzzled frown over cellphone brands 😆

[@agnesstrzykowska4300]

For the first time in my 60-years- long life I've found a psychology lecture useful in a real life!😂 Too bad it's too late for me to use the knowledge, but anyway thank you Dr. Grande!

[@fulanichild3138]

I am perplexed that religious views are not mentioned. Did I miss something? This is the number 1 factor for many people. There are dating sites/apps with the specific objective of connecting Christians or Muslims or Jews. There are bazillions of people whose primary goal is to marry within their religion. Why no mention?

[@downtime86stars17]

Couldn't religious views could be included in the 'cultural' category which Dr. Grande mentioned?

[@fulanichild3138]

@downtime86stars Yes, I thought of that. I guess I was thrown off by the title Cultural Background. Many people did not grow up in their current religion...

[@saraanic9436]

@@fulanichild3138 I think "cultural background" is not the same as "religion". People can share a religion, but belong to completely different cultures. Also, when you live in an european country, for example, the whole country is the same culture, but your religious or moral views differ.

[@fulanichild3138]

@SaraAnic Very good point. So maybe Dr. Grande can address where religion comes in.

[@downtime86stars17]

@@saraanic9436 There is a culture (maybe subculture is a more appropriate term) which develops within religions. It doesn't mean that adherents to a particular faith do not participate in the broader culture in which they live, but there are beliefs, traditions, practices, and social expectations in religions which combine members into a cultural group.

[@VillanoSyxx]

once it got to the point on cell phone ,video games and social media, I realized this had no place in my reality. Whatever age group this was in the study or state I want nothing to do with grown people who think like immature kids. The important things for me are: the same moral compass, compassion , and hard working . appreciation from that man for how much you do for him. In other words Love and security.

[@VillanoSyxx]

@m norton buswell moral compass as in same beliefs and attitudes like being a christian or not , pro life or not etcc,,, as an example as I stated I , personally wouldnt want a gamer as a mate. I also value a strong work ethic and being able to be a handy man. I wouldnt have anything in common with a MATE that didnt agree with my values. I couldnt spends my time on F>B> Instagram and the like and base that as an important attribute in a MATE.

[@SirenaSpades]

Agree.

[@Demi.d3mi]

No wonder my new long term relationship is going very smoothly even though we have different interests. I was doing all your tips just from the wisdom of past relationships and friendships! Most importantly is that we have the trust to be vulnerable with each other and have open arms to comfort each other. No worrying about one of us rejecting the vulnerable parts we share. Having different interests makes it a lot more interesting, but there's core values we have in common that seals the deal and makes it stable. Having the same maturity is super important.

[@SirenaSpades]

I'm curious about what a "new long term relationship" is exactly. how is it both new and long term.

[@ro6493]

I dont know what i would do without you. You help me (and many others) understand other humans

[@user-kf6et6jd1b]

"EXERCISING PREFERENCES ... JUST SHOWING FLEXIBILITY" LOVE YOUR SENSE OF HUMOUR!

[@soonsims]

I'm surprised religion was not mentioned. Seems pretty important.

[@dsem82]

I wonder if it's been subsumed into Politics?

[@soonsims]

@@No._1_Karen Yes of course, but the questions was specifically about how high it places on the importance scale overall and then for men and women specifically.

[@soonsims]

@@dsem82 I thought so as well or cultural background. But then again, it seems like such a big part of cultural background and political views (if assumed it falls inside of one of these) that I'm still surprised it is not its own category in these studies.

[@joanlynch5271]

Not so much for the current generation.

[@sansocie]

My wife is in her late 50's. I'm mid sixties. The only question she ask my about religion was do I believe in God. I do. I just do not believe in any organized religion. I also believe no group has a Holy Book written by God. Married 23 years. Her grandfather and father preachers. She was a GOOD PK. They do fall in two groups😇

[@jvs2095]

I really enjoy your videos on romantic attraction, you should make more!

[@sononi4798]

Basically you find out everything they like and then pretend to be just like them until they're too far in to turn back. Yes I like that plan.

[@The_Tortoise_and_the_Hare]

Lol.

[@jh5588]

Mirroring is quite effective no doubt

[@WildSorrel]

That's the plot to many an uncomfortable romantic comedy lol

[@Anonymous-ye4bg]

The punch I'm throwing

[@lyndawood7937]

Very interesting. I think trust and warmth I.e. affection is high on most women’s lists. These 2 lists are very interesting. Thanks.

[@marceef5028]

Whoa!! Dr. Grande’s getting all casual today! Plaid! 🤣Another great video NOT about the Coronavirus. 💚

[@BrainsApplied]

That's a pretty neat video. Thank you for the references in the description!

[@PetreaGalina]

all of them requiring institutional pass, yeah, something of the kind

[@JustineBrownsBookshelf]

In the United States particularly, “political views” has become an ethnicity.

[@nachtegaelw5389]

What? That makes no sense...

[@JustineBrownsBookshelf]

I mean that blues and reds are so polarised and have such distinct cultures that they are approaching distinct ethnicities.

[@nachtegaelw5389]

@@JustineBrownsBookshelf I see, that does make sense, but in my family political leanings are split 50/50 and we’re all ethnically & culturally homogeneous

[@JustineBrownsBookshelf]

@@nachtegaelw5389 We have to work hard not to let politics divide us from people we love.

[@generalpatton7876]

That’s very sad. The elites have done their job to divide and conquer.

[@TheZealousNobleman]

Phenomenal video Dr. Grande. 😀😁 Though, i wish to say this; i personally think, in my own opinion, that when people try to look for similarities in partners, it can be a bit selfish egotistically. Or dangerous biologically. Or just plain un-imaginative. For instance, sometimes we grow for the better because of our differences. Its hard to explain over text its an emotional thing, but id like to hear, further, on what you think or know, Dr. Grande.

[@mrs.reluctant4095]

You say it, thank you. Or expressed in a less polite fashion in my own words: how excrutiatingly boring is this way to mate, if you simply look for similarities. As if your partner is a pet. A car. A piece of furniture.

[@earldelacruz3727]

LOL. It is what's happening. Unfortunately not all people are open minded to change because change comes with discipline and discipline.. pain . For most they'd rather stick with their habits and lifestyle. For me it's not a matter of being unimaginative or uncreative. Its more of like its difficult to change yourself to see the aspects of something that you do not like at first impression ( preferences in music, film, politics, etc. )

[@chrisevenson618]

I’d be interested in birth order in partner relationships, and birth order and mental health in general. Thanks!

[@nancyayers6355]

I think the birth order is fairly important - it's how the other partner EXPRESSES him/her self. My first husband was the oldest of three boys and coincidentally so was my second husband. Husband #1 was domineering, bossy and controlling, but husband #2 was kind and helpful, sort of a big brother type guy. So I feel that birth order depends on how the partner EXPRESSES his or her place in the birth order experience.

[@lynnkliewer7201]

I’m the youngest called my father out at age 10 not sure where my strength came from but I knew it was wrong .And I see this in people to this day I’m 54 now ! I will not tolerate this abuse !

[@Charlie-zp2se]

Or lack thereof (only child)

[@pommie5093]

Beverage preference, yes! Enjoyment of coffee is essential! In all seriousness, thank you for all you do, Dr. Grande. Hope you are doing well in this difficult time for all of us.

[@jujubean54ify]

My hubby of 15 years (partner of over 20 years) only pretended to like coffee when we were first together...but his kindness, trustworthiness, love of animals, patience with children, deference to older people, loyalty to friends and family (as well as other positives that I’m probably forgetting) made up for it. However, he has learned to not speak to me too much before I’ve had my coffee.

[@The_Tortoise_and_the_Hare]

Oh one thing I find very attractive is when a guy says that he's a cat-person! I love dogs as well as cats, but I understand cats better. I used to work at a doggie daycare and it was great, lol, maybe it was a bit difficult when all the dogs wanted your attention at once, but still the best job I ever had.

[@detectivefiction3701]

As a lifelong cat-lover, I actually instinctively mistrust anyone--man or woman--who mentions HATING cats. I've found that cat-haters, more often than not, also have some toxic if not narcissistic personality traits.

[@mollytovxx4181]

@@detectivefiction3701 I find that many people who say that just don't understand cats, but if they end up living with one they will often change their minds. It depends on how they say it though- if someone says it with real venom then it's unlikely to just be cats they have problems with and you'll see that demonstrated soon enough.

[@herbalina]

Love this comment. I also think if your cat doesn't like somebody, show them the door (the person, not the cat).

[@The_Tortoise_and_the_Hare]

@@herbalina Where I live right now doesn't allow any pets, but I used to have this cat and she was perfect, literally perfect. She acted kind of like a dog, she came whenever she was called, she loved playing fetch, she never bit or scratched me, I could go and snuggle her stomach like put my head on her stomach as she was sleeping and she'd wake up purring. I had to give her away when my living situation changed and it broke my heart. Luckily the new owner was the perfect match. Usually my cat was afraid of strangers, but she went right over to this person and that made me feel very safe, and it felt right. I miss her so much it's gonna make me cry if I think about her more now. I used to carry her on my hip like you'd carry a toddler.

[@herbalina]

@@The_Tortoise_and_the_Hare She was very comfortable with you. Letting you anywhere near her belly shows a massive amount of trust. I'm sorry to hear she had to be re-homed but you found her a good match and that's the best outcome given the circumstances. Here's hoping there's another special kitty in your future!

[@DreamingInTechnicolor]

IMO what makes someone attractive is their Personality: Has an infectious laugh (No CoRo). Quick wit/ Great sense of humor; wet or dry - can make me laugh with ease. Possesses strong leadership skills, But he’s warm to me. Steady, intelligent. Someone that’s truly passionate about their hobbies and or job. Can own up to their mistakes and is big on self correction/accountability. Honest almost to a fault. Goal oriented! Perceptive and empathetic. Beauty to me Isn’t about physicality - all that is superficial will fade - their character, their ways, that’s what’s makes a person beautiful in my world.

[@orgyhepburn2761]

Good luck with finding that, baby!! HAAAAA

[@DreamingInTechnicolor]

@@orgyhepburn2761 These are character traits, why assume it’ll be difficult to come by? If you settle for less, less is what you’ll get. I can be single and happy… Or in a relationship and happy. •shrugs•

[@judaspriest9843]

*Dark triad badboys entered the chat*

[@DreamingInTechnicolor]

@Mr. Roderick. First Name Hmmm. You're basing this on what, one comment? your sweeping generalization does not apply - too many variables. When I said it’s not about physicality, I meant it. I’m not obsessed with the flesh. It is not a primary factor. I’m attracted to a person’s character, their attributes… which is how I see them. If your ways are ugly, then you are ugly to me! Please don’t presume to know how I think or feel.

[@rgonzalo511]

@@DreamingInTechnicolor It's funny that you think your more noble for liking such qualities. However if you actually stoped to realise you would see that your basically asking for someone to be god. That the reality is, demanding a human to have all of these is pretty cruel and unfair. One could ask do you possess as these qualities yourself. Causs I'm sure you don't, and I'm sure you wouldn't like that absolute perfection is demanded of you in order to find a partner.

[@EricKolotyluk]

Another really great presentation. I am writing a book on dating for people 50+ and plan to refer to a number of your presentations as they are so relevant. I am looking forward to seeing more of your presentations.

[@dimitriosfromgreece4227]

THANKS FOR THE VIDEO BROTHER ,, LOVE FROM SWEDEN ❤❤❤❤❤❤

[@AnymousScreams]

Interesting video. The topics covered never fail to be fascinating to listen to. Makes one think when it comes to what someone finds attractive.

[@kaseyjones2861]

Wow, this checklist really emphasizes that I have very little in common with every person in my life. These things seem so far from what it means to be a human, so weird how politics and exercise matter so much. But it does give some relief, I thought I was just socially inept or something. But I guess if you have nothing in common with people, it do any matter how warm you try to be, the surface shit matters the most.

[@jh5588]

If it makes you feel any better , basically none of these have ever played a part in any relationship I’ve ever had . Not trying to knock the Dr just my experience

[@nancywysocki]

Thank you dear one, great video!

[@suzannecoholic1467]

Cell phones preference? Gaming preference? How shallow. Were the samples composed of middle-school- aged students in an inner-city school in the months prior to Christmas?? ;)

[@suzannecoholic1467]

@m norton buswell where I teach and who I teach and who I get to know to help them learn about science and the way the world works :)

[@h3rteby]

Gaming preference is not so shallow I think if you're an active gamer (not talking about phone games). It can be a great bonding activity, just like if both people are really into dancing or hiking or similar.

[@기치죠지의치킨난반]

What’s wrong with gaming? My hobby is to try some steam games and for this purpose I bought a high-end laptop!

[@americaneclectic]

Anecdotally, I have observed that people of similar IQ are more attracted to each other. Are there studies to address this?

[@ninapearman]

I have an IQ of 114 my husband’s is 126, granted this was an online quiz and I made my husband help me with some of the answers. We’ve been married a long time despite his intellectual prowess.

[@vishaldoiphode2785]

What about emotional intelligence level ???

[@ninapearman]

m norton buswell - you know what they say, never let the truth get in the way of a good story...

[@ronnie8984]

That is bad news for me

[@ladybaabaa3294]

I think this would only really apply if there was an extreme discrepancy in the intellect of the partners to the point that they could not relate well to each other or find any mental stimulation or fulfilment. It also depends on how each person expresses themselves cognitively as well as their personalities.... ...how well they can discuss deeper, more complex topics, and what different interests they each have and how many / in which way they overlap.

[@jamesw17]

I think it's all about sartorial splendour. You and I score high on that one, Dr.

[@The_Tortoise_and_the_Hare]

What does that word mean?

[@jamesw17]

@@The_Tortoise_and_the_Hare sartorial splendour = incredible dress sense 😁

[@The_Tortoise_and_the_Hare]

@@jamesw17 Lol, I like his dress sense though, it's so cozy.

[@middleofnowhere1313]

So ZZ Top was right? XD

[@elisamastromarino7123]

I have noticed that there seems to be more unattractive or less attractive men with beautiful women, and rarely is a beautiful man with a lesser or unattractive woman. Men are more visual too. Maybe warmth and kindness only works for women seeking men. Just a thought. Thank you, Dr Grande! 👍🌹

[@judaspriest9843]

Keep coping, ive seen many dudes who go to the gym definitely settle with fat women. Its 2020 not 1920. Women settle with less attractive men either because its a fetish or a sexual imprint OR its because of money.

[@rgonzalo511]

@@judaspriest9843 Sexual Imprint?

[@provethioaltum3276]

False to an extent. It works both ways. A guy can be handsome like me but the girl isn't all that. Or the girl can be gorgeous and the guy is average meaning crappy. This is seen alot

[@rishaa682]

the men are more visual trope is so over done. men just typically get away with being more shallow

[@MicahBuzanANIMATION]

Sort of. While stereotypes are overdone, there's a lot of empirical evidence showing the differences in sexual attraction from men and women. Even gay men's brains are more stimulated visually. Women also tend to need more than one stimulus to be both physically and emotionally aroused, whereas men need only one (usually visual stimulus).

[@rejaneoliveira5019]

Lovely video Dr. Grande!❤️ I was wondering about the domain of personality...🧐 Nonetheless I tend to agree that kindness is extremely important! Thank you for another amazing video Dr. Grande!

[@cindyrhodes]

Thank you, Dr. Grande!

[@billhildebrand5053]

Comment 56: 784 views, 116 likes, zero non Dr. Grande, you just did an exhaustive analysis of Fred Rogers. There are three ways to ultimate success : The first way is to be kind. The second way is to be kind. The third way is to be kind. - FRED ROGERS ONE THING I NOTICE HAVING LIVED IN ITALY IS THEIR CHARACTER OF KINDNESS. 😍😄 The Italians have a way of saying, if they like you, “Lei e simpatico “. 😀 The adjective simpatico (sympatico is a misspelling) has a few definitions in English, including (1) likeable, (2) (of two or more people) having personal or intellectual affinity, (3) tending to get along with others, and (4) closely associated (with). It also works as a noun for a simpatico feeling or a simpatico relationship Have a good day, Dr. Grande. 😂😂😂

[@christinley5213]

Well dam..thank you..this was verry helpful. Good advise...I'm currently on the market...so I can use this right now!! ...wish me luck:)

[@imwatching2960]

One more great video on an interesting topic, thank you very much, Dr. Grande!

[@DrGrande]

Glad you enjoyed it!

[@religiohominilupus5259]

Isn't seeking similarities in a potential partner why the "mirroring" people with NPD/-traits utilize is so successful? Don't they basically make you fall in love with yourself? As always, Dr. G., thank you for your educational videos!

[@Nobody-Nowhere]

They dont utilize anything, its not a strategy. Its a reflex, like children attach to their parents by emulating them. This is most notably on borderlines. Its simply their way of forming a some sort of a bond, a childish way.

[@duderanch18237]

@@Nobody-Nowhere Yup. I'm pretty much a codependent. 3 of my 4 relationships have been with borderlines. Didn't see what I was doing was attracting the wrong people. They were doing the same to me. I grew up with a narcissistic traited mom... I'm glad I didn't end up more messed up (I'm not in the cluster B spectrum at all). I've also been told I have empathic traits as well. Which is why borderlines love me lol. My ex had a very bad childhood with her father. She was diagnosed borderline with 8/9 traits. And yeah - it's a reflex they learn as a coping mechanism from childhood to mirror. Within a couple months I was basically her parent. She couldn't function without me. Loved her to death though. She was her own person... it was just usually buried deep inside. Anyways after the love bombing stage was done, within a couple months I was devalued and discarded. Sucks. Still miss her, but I'm getting help now for my codependency issues. I also take a bit of pride in the fact how she almost chose to completely forget me. Towards the end I called her on her bullshit, and didn't enable her bad habits. It's like she knew she had been found out. Ah wells. Live and learn.

[@Liliana-qi8rw]

@@duderanch18237 I have CPTSD and I see some overlap with BPD as Dr.Grande has said. I've never devalued or discarded romantic interests or family members. I dated two narcs back to back, the newer one being much worse than the first. I knew about NPD, so I could see the discard occurring in front of me, I left for my sanity but now that it's been a month without him and he found new supply, I am so broken down and genuinely miss him, I'm shattered. I think when I was younger I would discard friends during fear of abandonment. That's not the case anymore. I've grown in the "not everyone is going to be your friend" department. I'm really trying to be more self-less. I noticed that my trauma with narcs has made me hypervigilant and selfish. I hope to heal, I want to be the best me I can be. I want my friends to feel supported and inspired by me- as opposed to drained. I want to be secure in myself, enough to stop attracting narcissistic types. I want to feel healthy self-esteem, and self-love. I don't want to feel continuous guilt for existing. I simply want a healthy life, with healthy and balanced relationships and a focus on my hobbies and be a well rounded person? Is that even achievable? I don't want to be a victim. I want to thrive. Overcome all of the trauma and make my loved ones proud, and make me proud.

[@Adara007]

@@duderanch18237 It's unfortunately quite common for those who grew up with a narcissistic parent, specially the mother, later being attracted to people with BPD. This is even more common when the individual has poorly defined and developed personal boundaries, and has a low sense of self-worth, often as a hang-over from the narcissistic parenting which left them feeling unloved and un-appreciated, prompting a subconscious search for what appears to be at least superficial or surface 'love' and approval from those who end up being narcissists. The love bombing stage is what is attractive but then, once the narcissist feels they've gotten whatever they admired or wanted from the empathic individual, they'll start to make nasty, snide remarks, ply manipulative passive-aggressive games, use the 'cold shoulder' technique and so forth to use and abuse and therefore devalue the other individual. I grew up innately empathic and having had narcissistic abuse by both parents - a grandiose or overt narc father and a covert or vulnerable narc mother - and sought others' supposed acceptance, or surface approval, throughout much of my years at school. It was only when I was at University that, with the support of m husband whom I'd met the year before, I began to analyse the so-called friendships in my life and determined many were with those who were hangers-on from school and narcissistic. I had a lot of work to do on myself, work to improve an essentially very damaged self-esteem, to utilise assertiveness techniques and learn to be comfortable using these, and to set boundaries with others. Some of these narcissists had, when I look back now, borderline personality traits, although I never heard of them seeking therapy and being formally diagnosed so I have to guess based upon their behaviours. However, although the work on myself was not easy and it took years to become confidently assertive and emotionally secure in myself that narcissists were no longer seeking me out as targets, it was so worth it. I'm glad you're getting help with codependency issues, and wish yo the very best in restoring your sense of self-worth and learning to be comfortable being assertive. In terms of potential future relationships as well as to analyse past relationships so you may determine any patterns - and most of us have some which we repeat in both our friendships and our intimate or romantic relationships - I cannot more highly recommend the following book, "Are You The One For Me?: Knowing Who's Right & Avoiding Who's Wrong " by Licensed clinical psychologist and psychotherapist Dr. Barbara De Angelis (Ph.D.), initially published in 1993. I'd recommend that book along with a book full of excellent assertiveness techniques, and explanations about these plus examples of how to utilise them, titled "When I Say No, I Feel Guilty" by Psychologist Manuel J. Smith, initially published in 1975 - it's old but a classic - and republished in 1993.

[@duderanch18237]

@@Liliana-qi8rw The last girl with borderline I dated claimed that an ex from a couple years prior had NPD, and I actually believe she's telling the truth. Maybe the hypervigilance and selfishness was partly caused by that, but her brother warned me to run on two separate occasions. People with NPD eat people with BPD for breakfast, and no offense, at least from the women I've dated, those with BPD eat neurotypicals for breakfast. I'm glad you don't devalue and discard, but you also just admitted to being selfish. That's not a good sign. I can tell you the last girl I dated destroyed me. I almost lost my job, had a mental breakdown, had to take off work for a month. And the worst part was I KNEW she had BPD going into the relationship. I thought I could deal - how naive I was. She also said a lot of what you are saying above, but always managed to tear down, torment, and destroy those close to her. She has almost no friends left. Her family is at a loss. In the end after all the I love you's and how I stated I couldn't imagine her feeling but I understood it and I'd never leave her, she dumped me when she was halfway across the world. I tried to be everything for her, and was there 24/7 when she had bad days. She didn't have a job, and she spent some of the time in a psych ward. I stuck through it all, only to be kicked to the curb when her life started to get back in order. Was really awful. In any case it sounds like you truly want to heal - since the person with NPD dated you I'm sure your CPTSD could be even worse now. You should get some psychotherapy and look into CBT and DBT. I wish you well in your healing and I hope you truly mean it. My ex said all the right things, but her actions were the complete opposite. I seriously do wish you well though. God bless and good luck. No one deserves to be treated poorly.

[@margaretcampbell2681]

Good explanation

[@blueeyes6852]

Fascinating topic Doctor! How is a topic considered? I'm not suggesting one, but rather, how does the process go? Thank you for another great video! You are very generous with your time Sir! Just think of all the people you help, especially those needing help and can't get it for whatever reason. Thank you Doctor, you do a great service for many!

[@hunivan7672]

Would you consider making a video about ED and it's treatment?

[@honestywillis1289]

This I very interesting to me because I often wonder if my marriage will last if we have completely opposite political views.

[@jackstratif6937]

One famous dating coach says “it’s a scientific fact that women are more attracted to men whose feelings are unclear”, and this video pretty much directly contradicts that. I’ve heard so much contradictory information with dating that I’m just gonna be a cool dude, be myself and let the chips fall where they may. If a woman is gonna turn me down at least she’ll turn down who I actually am, not me trying to pretend to be something else.

[@irmawatifebriani8459]

Thank you Dr.Grande, another interesting topic. what about personality similarities? I am curious about the compatibility based on big five personality models. I remember you mentioned before in your other video that individuals who scored high on openness to experience must be paired with another individuals who also scored high on openness to experince, otherwise both side will be lonely. What about another domains?

[@downtime86stars17]

Could you do a video on demisexuality? I understand it to be defined as experiencing a lack of sexual attraction until after an emotional bond has been formed with the other person (as opposed to feeling instant attraction), but there seems to be a lot of debate as to whether it is a form of asexuality, or a different courtship style, or if it is even a real part of the sexuality spectrum. I can find a lot of popular articles on it but not much in the way of scholarly research.

[@SirenaSpades]

It sounds like most women???

[@Truth-fk3vp]

lol@@SirenaSpades

[@aileenbordelon7884]

The cell phone brand thing didn’t actually surprise me funnily enough. My brother and his wife bond over being Samsung users. Lol

[@kimalonzo2145]

I think what you're wearing is attractive....rugged good looks and manliness.😘

[@moondog7694]

I always thought he tries to look and act as boring as possible in order to deflect the the stalkers with borderline personality disorder from becoming obsessed with him.

[@chineseslaves1971]

It’s non-threatening. Us women have so much work to do plenty prefer casualness in dress. Takes the pressure off us.

[@kimalonzo2145]

@@chineseslaves1971 oh yeah! That's true! Good point!🤔

[@LaMaestra2102]

I neither trust nor understand a man who's cold enough to have anything less than an iPhone 8. 😉

[@jh5588]

If a woman is attractive enough I could probably overlook her using an Android phone

[@LaMaestra2102]

@@coldfloorus 😂🤣😉

[@NatureFreak1127]

@@coldfloorus 😂😂😂

[@rosshoover6986]

You should try Android. You won't go back to (I won't say).

[@po.po.poquito]

This one is interesting.. (Well they all are to be fair) I'm in a relationship where we come from very different cultures and there is a lot of useful things in here for me personally.

[@cbsg5861]

Hey dr Grande! Love the plaid jacket

[@amandaparker150]

Love your channel x

[@23Mijk]

Great. I already have too much to do this afternoon. Then I see this :)

[@annie7367]

I am surprised no religion/spirituality. A believer being in a relationship with an atheist/materialist would surely be a bit of a deal breaker, much more so than apple vs samsung.

[@akna5857]

yes, I think that trust, kindness, warm are much more important, thank you Dr.Todd

[@mariankeller5852]

What makes a person attractive? The ability to accept someone for who they are and not setting out to change them...

[@kennethkunz2449]

Yes, the analysis is brilliant and exhaustive, particularly concerning all the more trivial domains of attraction like cell phones and ice cream flavors. But what about the most important determinant of attraction: the neural networks that were set down early in life that, as life goes forward, determine the interpersonal neurobiology of human connection. For example, if a handsome, intelligent, educated, and physically fit person was abused, neglected, and humiliated by a narcissistic father, he may be wildly and irresistibly attracted to and choose, a woman who is abusive, neglectful, and cheating, as was his father. Food and t.v. shows might be important, but early life experience is biology because experience shapes the structure of the brain, the structure of the brain determines its function, and the function of the brain, in combination with other brains, creates the mind, and the mind is the root of all motivation and action.

[@nancywysocki]

Hugs from CANADA 🇨🇦!

[@archetypalmuse]

Hey that's super interesting because I just read an article for my psychology class on sexual imprinting which found that people were likely to select mates that most resembled their parent of the opposite sex, with significantly higher correlation when the parent was viewed by the child as providing emotional warmth and empathy growing. Of course this study was from 2004 and I didn't look up what came out since that but I am indeed curious as to what studies say regarding parental attachment influencing the way we choose partners as adults. I have observations from my own personal life, people around me, and also many KZbin channels on attachment trauma (such as Alan Robarge), but now that I'm really becoming invested in the scientific method and empiricism, I wonder how studies have explored these difficult-to-mesure, unobservable, private topics.

[@cindyrhodes]

SO... delay unusual interests.... If I had to look for another life partner, I guess I should delay disclosing that (2) I love movies and books about serial killers and cannibals and (2) I absolutely MUST binge-watch Dr. Grande videos! LOL Thank you!

[@MelaniaRose]

I’m attracted to contrast in looks (someone who looks different than me), but prefer someone who has a similar life background and personality to mines. Sometimes it’s funny how our tastes in romantic partners change over time, or some of us choose the same type of look in different people for a relationship.

[@jh5588]

Good point .... Petite , brunette with brown eyes has always been my weakness

[@omniscientnegro6585]

Stfu your attracted to tall height and jalwine

[@MelaniaRose]

Omniscient Negro You need to spell jawline properly before you tell others to shut up 🤪 and stop being pretentious

[@rainbow9987]

Me too

[@wunderdoggy]

I heard somewhere your tastes will change with your experiences. A bad experience with someone with blond hair will have an affect on your immediate attraction for someone with similar hair. A good experience the opposite. We all try to fix our faults with a mate. If we believe we have something wrong with us there will be a strong attraction to someone strong with in that trait for the aim of bettering the next generation.

[@localhozt750]

I find your videos initeresting or helpful.

[@TooLF8th]

May I digress? If you were to carry around 3-5 books with you at all time, what books would you choose? Please mention it as a sidenote in one of your videos =) Stay healthy and keep up the good work =)

[@evelynwaugh4053]

Great question, like what 5 books would you bring if you were stranded on a desert island? Mine: A Confereracy of Dunces, A Good Man in Africa, The Quiet American, The History of Tom Jones, Foundling, and Vanity Fair. It would be best if a bunch of people were stranded on the island for obvious reasons as well as book exchange......

[@Kay.in.FL.HI.SA.JP.OZ.NZ.RIO..]

... Columbia History of the World, Encyclopedia., How Things Work, Proverbs, Thomas Merton works,,

[@socrates6331]

Dr Todd Grande , what a beast

[@Maria-0017]

What I REALLY find attractive in a man is HUMOUR , somebody I can have a good laugh and giggle with , which surprisingly isn’t on your list, and intelligence , good looks is a bonus , though I don’t want Quasimodo 🤭😁 , I don’t go for men who are very muscle bound, or pose in the mirror more than me 😁 as hes not going to love me more than himself!

[@mcd5478]

Good content! 💗

[@mariacastro6742]

Fascinating topic, Dr. Grande From my perspective, kindness, warmth, trustworthiness, and a good sense of humor are at the top of my list. ☺️👍

[@VTPSTTU]

Thanks for an interesting commentary. I'll probably end up listening to this one a few times to try to unpack everything. I've listened twice so far.

[@PlanetDeLaTourette]

The real difference is how someone moves. That's the soul.

[@kaym.h.3583]

Their heart and what lies in it!! similarities and the same interests and goals.....looks are merely an illusion☺

[@kayparisfilm]

I’m surprised that intelligence (or perceived intelligence), and social standing or wealth aren’t included in the list.

[@jeantave8562]

I have moved in the last 4 yrs., I am living in an environment where exercise and being healthy is considered, " no fun". This city has a really weird shadow side where everyone seems to go have drinks numerous times a week and they smoke alot. No joke their life seems to be planned around eating and drinking? I personally find this boring, it is fun but not to the extent that you're going to have cocktails two to four times per week, just not my thing. I think people need to be in the right city for each individual. I stopped dating here because it seems like the men all have the same mindset. Important traits for me are culture, education, compassion, loyalty, and humor. Bad grammar is a complete turnoff for me.

[@marisaelenenadiejamusiccom3974]

I am a composer, arranger, visual artist and vocalist. I studied at an elite music school. It seems as though early Pink Floyd's founder is my main fan. Other artistic people are attracted to me. However, most people find me untalented and not attractive. I am also very health conscience. I am also spiritual. You can be kind but unhealthy physically and mentally. If you are sitting around eating bon bons all the time but you are kind what does that make you? Interesting, fun, having a sense of humor...bordem is something that is attractive to most people.

[@crepituss9381]

Grande playing the long game "Kindness is most important .... "

[@Nobody-Nowhere]

Ok, who was interviewed for this? 13 years olds? Video games, social media and cell phone brand as important factor?

[@mrs.reluctant4095]

I ask myself the exact same question. But mostly the scientists ask for their studies students in the first semesters for this type of surveys. I think, students are that childish nowadays.

[@autumnsmith3585]

1. Political/Religious views 2. Travel desires 3. Music preferences 4. Movie preferences 5. Tv show preferences

[@kimmymachelleconnors9787]

If you im around someone long enough i can start to be attracted. (principle of adaption)but it's good to keep in mind what my first impression was so that I don't start to integrate.🤪

[@yudivazquez1296]

Currently bingeing.

[@joshuabean9409]

I heard an interesting assessment at some point. Subconsciously we are aware of our deficiencies and as result seek partners we perceive to balance those potential weaknesses. Specifically concerning rearing children. After the kids are born, those differences become very detrimental to long term success. I'm interested what other people think about this.

[@oompadearest1620]

people like reason over coercion..... who would have thought?

[@Vainashell]

Dr. G, my husband gave me some great insight into one man’s view of what he considers “attractive.” He stated that it is the combination of sexy and pretty that he gravitates towards. He said some people are pretty and some people are sexy, but it is the two together... never had thought of it like that, but I appreciated his insight. What do you think Dr.G? Also, my partner and I did not match most of that list. Maybe loosely political and loosely, food.

[@jh5588]

Vain As Hell your husband has great insight and obviously great taste in partner choice also ... may the two of you share many happy years and memories together

[@sheilamccormack3007]

Hilarious thank you

[@eyeamme1917]

Uh oh...I have an android....I'm gonna be alone foreeevvveer 😭😂.

[@jh5588]

As an Apple user the Android is not necessarily a dealbreaker but definitely has to be taken into account

[@onetwothree1806]

Video suggestion: Look into the Alec Kreider case. He committed a triple homicide at 16 in 2007. Then took his life at 25 in prison. Specifically, I’m wondering if suicidal thinking sometimes contributes to murder in a sort of “need to kill” mentality rather than a “need to die” mindset. Always interesting content regardless of the topic.🙂

[@Breno1997]

Good to see I'm not that nuts about disapproving so much "opposites attract each other", folks here talk so much about it. I get to the point , where I don't know how to talk with someone about a topic that isn't something of my interest. That's with a potential partner, of course, I can have conversations like any human being xD. It's not about being picky, I really am not that interesting. I live for my passions and I'm pretty intense about them, I want to share them with someone who would be reciprocate, that's only my main goal in a relationship, I know it can come off as a bit extreme or narcissistic, I guess. Of course, it's impossible to someone share all the same interests, but one or two would be so nice :)

[@lauradipiero522]

Hi Dr Grande..enjoy your channel! Have you ever done an analysis on Sylvia Plath? I would like to know what you think about her state and also the horrific tragedies around Ted Hughes and Assia Wevill.

[@persefone818]

This video is very interesting. Sadly though, I'm not sure if a long-term relationship is what I want. I've decided that even having a pet is actually very dangerous, because it is possible for a pet to accidentally make you very sick, and the responsibility and cost of owning one can be very demanding, especially if the vet actually makes your pet sick with something that can hurt you and charges a lot of $ which I believe can happen, and did happen to me. That awful experience has convinced me not to get another pet. And honestly, unless I've had them from a very very young age, even most dogs and cats boss me around. I just don't have the necessary relationship skills to be able to be happy in a relationship. I simply don't, and I do not know, at the moment, how to change that. I find people to be very bossy and controlling, and honestly, part of that is because of my own behavior. One thing I really LIKE is to be able to eat whatever I want to eat. I do not like to fight with people about things like what I am eating, what I get to do with my time, or what I get to do with my money, and I don't have the skills to be able to actually do what I want in the presence of most people, either as a child with a parent, or in a relationship with a significant other. It sounds insane, but every boyfriend I've had insisted on deciding for me what I would eat, and really bossed me around until they got their way. I can't stand that. Every meal I eat alone makes me very very happy, LOL, and I don't know if I can ever give that up. They were also very bossy about everything else, even something as small as getting to see fireworks when they are being let off and you can stand literally anywhere outside and see them. But maybe I'm being silly. I honestly haven't dated that much, and I've always dated people who pursued me instead of trying to find someone that I felt like I was interested in dating. I probably am warped in my thinking, and I don't trust people anymore. They are just very focused on an agenda, and the agenda is not really in my best interest, you can just about count on that. And I... just haven't developed that. I was very controlled as a child and didn't develop this guerilla warfare way of manipulating everyone else, and I just can't survive that because I started being manipulated and controlled at a very young age so far back that I can not remember what techniques my mother used to control me. I don't think they were very nice. I think I prefer to be alone. I don't know if that's a mistake. It's very scary. It's very scary being alone, and it's HARD sometimes to really function normally in a situation when you are completely alone, especially for a long time, but it's also very freeing to be able to do it. I'm not sure which is better. To develop relationship skills so that I can function in a normal relationship, or to develop better skills so that I can function on my own, alone, for long periods of time. Maybe I'm different. But maybe that's not that bad.

[@TheRealBlackspawn]

What to take away from this video? Looks are most important. D'uh!

[@markdrost8458]

would like to know how bouts of significant Sadness, especially when they're abrupt, might lead to destructive acts by that person in question

[@SaltyMinorcan]

In my personal experience, how a person was raised and their relationship with their parents plays a key role in compatibility.

[@Junkinsally]

If you’re basing your long term relationship possibilities on cell phone brands......you don’t need to be looking for a long term relationship! Having to much in common is just as detrimental as not having enough! Life is an adventure so look for people who are more open to new experiences above anything else.

[@sianmegginson8110]

They also say opposites attract. What happens if you are kind and understanding you can then become a target for a narcissist.

[@nicholasc.5944]

im a man and i get why the cellphone brand matters, a girl who has a really expensive iphone for e.g is a subtle indicator for vanity and narcissism,

[@angelahamon6730]

Looking at the 5 factor model, being open to new experiences, I would think some of thees would help adults to make new friends, not just romantic interests. Studies show that adults have a harder time making friends, and I was looking at some of the suggestions at the end as ways I might put more into a potential friendship and see what could develop. Thank you Dr Grande

[@Macheako]

Money. The answer is Money