People who won’t apologize for mistreating you. This shows that their ego is more important to them than you are. Leave them, they’re toxic.
@carolinacastelan30943 жыл бұрын
or people that make YOU apologize to THEM for their bad behavior their victim narrative it's in an other level
@janetpattison84743 жыл бұрын
@@carolinacastelan3094 People who mistreat others, feel they have the right to do that. They’re not apologetic their righteous.
@carolinacastelan30943 жыл бұрын
@@janetpattison8474 they're truly the worst : (
@TipTheScales273 жыл бұрын
It sounds like the arrogance aspect of this faux disorder would apply to this
@carolnahigian95183 жыл бұрын
Bravo. Don’t wait til you are 60 year old lady!! ( but it’s okay) just now I begin AGAIN- no more ABUSED by brother.
@paulv69104 жыл бұрын
"Entitlement to have others feel the way they think others should". That is the monster in the room!
@deannkeith42714 жыл бұрын
Agreed.
@louisaisthankful64554 жыл бұрын
That's the monsters on our streets right now!
@maekong20104 жыл бұрын
I would distill it even further. "Entitlement" is the monster in the room.
@jennifers27754 жыл бұрын
Great one!
@susanwenner87383 жыл бұрын
My ex husband! Boy did his disruptive personality show it’s ugly head after a few drinks.
@PotterSpurn14 жыл бұрын
I would put excessive jealousy / envy in that list too. This is highly destructive.
@dc31743 жыл бұрын
Isn’t that covered by rigidity
@24Wynn2 жыл бұрын
Good one. Excessive jealousy is dangerous. People have murdered people over being excessively jealous. That's why I stayed away from people, especially when I was dating, that were excessively jealous. I was in an abusive relationship with somebody who was always hitting me for perceived affairs when they were the ones doing the cheating. Most of the time, I was studying scriptures for church so the whole situation would have been laughable if it weren't for the spiritual, mental, emotional, psychological and physical abuse. What a mess!
@cc1k4352 жыл бұрын
@@dc3174 More specifically, and more easily recognized
@scottleft36722 жыл бұрын
@@dc3174 and narccisism.
@lyricarol2 жыл бұрын
Jealously leads to vindictive behaviors, sometimes unchecked vindictive behaviors. Jealous people are dangerous. They can and will ruin careers, bully, enlist others to bully, lie about you in ways that make other people revile you, and in some cases, they can resort to physical violence or provoking physical violence against you. Turn your back and walk away. It may make you feel like shit, because they will surely let you know how hurtful YOU are, but stick to your guns. You'll be amazed at how freeing it is.
@jenilynneful5 жыл бұрын
Holding a grudge is different than setting boundaries and not forgetting abusive behavior.
@lisbethbird82684 жыл бұрын
Thanks, good to know! I can stop wondering about exactly this question.
@michellerenee50284 жыл бұрын
I agree
@kynathomas48094 жыл бұрын
I second that!
@maekong20104 жыл бұрын
Yep, in order for a grudge to be quantified, it will require some form of either overt (visibly aggressive), or covert (cowardly and insidious), expression. Grudges, hatred, and envy have a common denominator. They are all fertile ground for lethal toxicity.
@demitriosvekkf.z.77684 жыл бұрын
Yep, I'm glad someone said it lol
@r.chrism.d.30015 жыл бұрын
A curious mind like yours is a wonderful trait. Many of the comments rang true as well. Please don’t burn out!
@dougyohooglefrogtownrovers90173 жыл бұрын
Wtf are you talking about?
@TiberiusStorm3 жыл бұрын
@@dougyohooglefrogtownrovers9017 Therapists often burn out from something called Compassion Fatigue. Google it!
@kerryberger9853 жыл бұрын
He’s a clinician. I doubt he will burn out.
@fatimaghailan67283 жыл бұрын
@@kerryberger985 clinicians burn out too.
@kiralevenson17062 жыл бұрын
I have the same curious mind! I cannot get enough of these videos. I think I have a crazy magnet. I really hope that he keeps these coming for a very long time, too!
@6431mastermind4 жыл бұрын
List starts at 5:35 Symptoms of toxicity. (Having any 4 of these would be toxic). 10) Holds a grudge. 9) Inappropriate provocative behaviour (infidelity). 8) Sense of entitlement (includes entitled to their feelings). 7) Being arrogant, condescending, and pretentious. 6) Reckless disregard for the safety of others. 5) Inappropriate or restricted affect. 4) Extreme position on consciousness (breaking all the rules, or rigidly adhering to all the rules). 3) Manipulative and Deceitful. 2) Lack of empathy or remorse. 1) Aggression and Anger. (#1 because most dangerous.)
@MultiCappie4 жыл бұрын
You rule! Love from Edmonton!
@landlubbr4 жыл бұрын
Thanks! I checked 2/10, number 7 (have been arrogant in the past) and 5 (have a lot of trouble expressing emotions in an outwardly tender manner) its great to be able to visualize these qualities in a concise list like this to figure out what you need to work on.
@cccopycat5833 жыл бұрын
wow..my ex had all.of these..yikes..thank god I got out when.i did
@1qstudios2 жыл бұрын
Holding a grudge is the only thing on this list that I do. Idk where its coming from tho. And most of the grudges is with people I don't see that often anyway so good for both parties I guess.
@jomcenroe75382 жыл бұрын
Thank you . This helps so much
@clouddancer465 жыл бұрын
Silent treatment was left out... So toxic.
@kathrinjohnson25825 жыл бұрын
I welcome silents from toxic ppl. It's not like they have anything to say that I want to hear 🤷♀️
@ayuxx105 жыл бұрын
@@reneekatz Yep. The silent treatment/stonewalling is a specific manipulation tactic. "I'm going to refuse to speak to you until you come around to my way of thinking."
@ionichi5 жыл бұрын
I call that one "Ex-girlfriend"
@figgettit5 жыл бұрын
silence and 'the silent treatment' - i.e. rhetorical silence, need to be distinguished. Not all forms of silent responses are equal. the context informs how they ought to be interpreted.
@OhMyPearls5 жыл бұрын
I loved the silent treatment. So arrogant they think it bothers you to be deprived of them. Ha! Being ignored by the monster was blissful.
@Tonithenightowl5 жыл бұрын
I don't care who it is.... if what a person says and what they do are two different things.... steer clear they are nothing but trouble.
@fatuusdottore5 жыл бұрын
Tonithenightowl Yep. 100% agree with this.
@qiuwbr0915 жыл бұрын
Tonithenightowl - Unfortunately ( I think if it’s a professional) it can really be expensive to find out. :(
@patrickhanson7125 жыл бұрын
@Jon B Ikr, and when I see it I do give them an indication, and if they take that as criticism or constructive criticism not my problem.... I did my part, and I get to sleep at night.
@bluewillow10555 жыл бұрын
True. Learned it the hard way.
@patrickhanson7125 жыл бұрын
Yes true, I always call it out and then distance myself. What they do with it is their choice. Regardless of my B/W borderline thinking and my irrational and hypocritical judgements, holds true.... of say this, do that... or worse in "good ideals" I think this, but project cruel. I condemn myself a bit there but I am improving and no one should stay around, esp if higher end life issues, what used to be called "A walking controdiction"
@nancystewart26864 жыл бұрын
They love to talk about unconditional love, meaning you should love them unconditionally regardless of how they behave...all the while they attach many, many conditions to their "love" for others, if they are even capable of truly loving others.
@QoraxAudio4 жыл бұрын
Jup toxic people are often hypocrites and come up with some kind of fallacy to deny that.
@darrellm99154 жыл бұрын
Sounds like typical BPD/NPD behavior really.
@maekong20104 жыл бұрын
It goes something like this, "You can have unconditional love, as long as you are willing to go along with _my_ conditions." Pretty much sums up the human dilemma in its entirety. Ain't life grand (as opposed to "Grande," doctor 😆)!
@reymohammed70403 жыл бұрын
I actually had two different people say to me: " You must love me unconditionally, and that includes not making the condition that I not make conditions."
@HexagonNightmare3 жыл бұрын
Sounds like my ex.
@lonelylantern91354 жыл бұрын
Sometimes it is so reassuring to hear it from a professional that yes, that person with those traits in your life is indeed toxic. So many toxic people try to gaslight you into thinking you are the problem, so to hear it put so clearly by someone who knows the subject is really very helpful, thank you.
@jaenboston26832 жыл бұрын
I initially watched this video about 2 years ago. After analyzing the symptoms of a toxic personality, I concluded this was the problem I had with interacting with others. I always knew I had a personality disorder but had problems identifying which one fit me. I had symptoms from several personality disorders but this toxic personality answers the question to my difficulty with others. Since I reviewed my behavior and have taken the advice of Dr. Grande, I became aware of the changes needed to become a better person. I have tremendously improved my relationships with others. My quality of life is so much better with this information. Thank you, Dr. Grande.
@shannonluck506610 ай бұрын
Good for you! Improving yourself! ❤
@robertmadison12059 ай бұрын
Feel free to elaborate or give examples. Your open honesty is appreciated.
@shannonluck50669 ай бұрын
Good for you! Taking Responsibility and what good info from Doc Grande! 🤗 Be Well...
@chrissearcher35635 жыл бұрын
I was married to a physically and emotionally abusive man for 22 years. I stayed for a number of reasons, one of which was that every week I was marched into church and told I had to forgive him for his latest physical or verbal outburst. And I did for many years. Without a grudge. Without any anger or aggression in return. So I didn't leave. I kept trying to fix it. Which was a huge mistake that my children paid dearly for. :( I think that if you are in a toxic relationship with someone, you may find yourself exhibiting anger, coldness, feeling unforgiving, and that's OK. You need these things for strength to leave. I think an absolute key difference is I wouldn't have had these feeling towards anyone else but the person who was being abusive towards me.
@egrace37385 жыл бұрын
Yes, the "church" has enabled abuse. No doubt.
@RHmanyfaces2 жыл бұрын
Same thing happened to me, I was told from a very religious friend to pray and be a good wife, I was already doing everything to try to show I loved him. I came home after work never knowing how he would act that day. Physical and mental abuse was a daily issue. I always thought I could help him when he didnt care to change. I was very unintelligent to what it was doing to my children and myself.Learned everyone has to help themselve,, my kindness and trying to help him was useless.
@prydegirl2 жыл бұрын
Build your mansion in the sky. Right. How about peace tranquility and honesty on earth.
@SirenaSpades Жыл бұрын
I hope you're happy you stayed. Now those children will suffer for life. Thanks a lot.
@coralynrojas89343 жыл бұрын
Toxic Personality (1) Holding a grudge - unforgiving, unhealed (2) Infidelity - (3) Sense of entitlement - having without working, giving, loving, caring (4) Arrogant -frustrating progress (5) Disregard for safety - (6) Coldness - not sensitive to another’s feelings (7) Breaking rules - OCPD - low conscientious - (7.2) Sticking to the rules -inflexible (8) Manipulative - deceitful - stop growth (9) Justified - Never guilty - no empathy -lack of effective and cognitive logics (10) Aggressive - no progress - bad outcome - expression of anger - manipulative with hurtful behaviour -destructive
@cindyrhodes4 жыл бұрын
"Not feeling sorry is a block to being forgiven." YESSSSS!
@tammyfitzgerald5336 Жыл бұрын
Hell yea 🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🎉🙏🏽🙏🏽🙏🏽🙏🏽🙏🏽🙌🙌💯💯
@entrotlek4 жыл бұрын
Hi Dr. Grande, I believe I have a personality disorder. I have a history of child abuse and neglect. I grew up around unhealthy people and made friends with unhealthy people all the while thinking I was the only healthy one in the mix while being equally unhealthily. That being said, your videos are always very informative, but could you make some videos that explain how us toxic people can reduce our toxicity? I've spent the last year reading tons of books,going to counseling , and listening to audiobooks about why I do the behaviors I do but there's a severe lack on youtube on explanations as to how to effectly have healthy interpersonal relationships. I always approach relationships from a fearful and defensive place at the start but once I feel a little more comfortable i begin oversharing my negative feelings and past hurts to new people. I never knew that was a bad thing and was always confused as to why people would eventually pull away. I want to be better but it's hard to know what to do when you've never seen that modeled. Thank you for reading.
@attheranch8734 жыл бұрын
Depending on what behavior you’re talking about, Richard Grannon you tube might be able to help a bit. Check out the videos on CPTSD.
@daisychainmilk4 жыл бұрын
I feel this way as well. I grew up in a very abusive home and experienced assault regularly in my teen years. I feel like I have a lot of toxic traits but I don't know how to not act like this. I feel like I should just not be close to anyone because I feel like I may hurt them. I overshare quite alot as well to my partner. I have a ptsd diagnosis but I believe I might have a personality disorder as well. I wish you well on your journey. Hope you are safe.
@tulinbeyduz9203 жыл бұрын
That’s wonderful you have insight to recognize your behavior . Just keep working in healthy attachment styles , therapy and addressing your trauma . Talking and Emdr therapy has helped me :-)
@HePlaysThePiano3 жыл бұрын
@Juliette M Richard Grannon is not a professor of psychology, however, he is very well worth listening to, prob more than a lot of psychologists. As for Sam Vankin, he has made a career out of speaking on narcissism as though he is an authority, he is not. For starters narciisists have very little ability to self reflect .... apart from that 'self confessed one' (apparently). Listen to him sure, but do not accept everything he (or anyone else claims ) unequivocally as being bona fide!
@LordBaltimore0093 жыл бұрын
There are three things that can help you a lot. Smooth Jazz, Yoga, and dark chocolate. You can do Yoga, take a shower, then listen to smooth jazz while drinking a hot dark chocolate. This will begin to stabilize you emotionally. All emotional and psychological difficulties are rooted in self-esteem problems. A healthy self-esteem is the key, according to Napoleon Hill (read his books).
@SweetBlackSistah5 жыл бұрын
Hey Doc, you have NO IDEA how your videos help. Thank you.
@2legit2Kwit5 жыл бұрын
List Starts at 5:39 Number one, as Dr. Grande states, there’s absolutely no reason for anyone to be with that type. Absolutely destructive trait.
@kathryncarter61434 жыл бұрын
AMEN!!!!!!!
@cw46084 жыл бұрын
Tesla was a genius and a looker
@waltertheartist27465 жыл бұрын
You are so professional. I appreciate the straightforward scientific approach.
@gr8macaw13 жыл бұрын
Dr Grande you are a very skilled teacher. The ability to make a complex subject easy to understand and interesting at the same time is a true skill. Thank you.
@kushalbanerjee85742 жыл бұрын
Dr. Grande's videos are a masterclass in how one can become more knowledgeable and also a better person!
@christinecornezcolmenero93564 жыл бұрын
This has been so enlightening. I now know why I feel upset around certain people. I thought I was too sensitive. Thank you Dr. Grande!
@Chris66Mas3 жыл бұрын
Excellent video! - Just making people miserable, spoiling happiness and good mood for others is toxic, especially damaging for children. Imagine being around people who make you feel uneasy. You literally feel them sucking you out emotionally. It’s like a physical assault.
@nikkiburton26972 жыл бұрын
Yes I call it emotional cannibalism
@laughingwaters83095 жыл бұрын
What made my relationship toxic: rigidity, control, refusal to work on problems, silent treatment, cyclical arguments, total disregard for my needs (like seeming angry whenever I was sick), unpredictability. The ones on the list I do think existed were entitlement, arrogance, anger, manipulation, disregard for safety, lack of empathy.
@cccopycat5833 жыл бұрын
did we date the same person??.lol
@fawn_the_fairy57213 жыл бұрын
~ditto~ but still ongoing
@laughingwaters83093 жыл бұрын
@@matheresagonzaga7376 ...yes. our marital counselor had to tell me. I didn't even know what that was at the time. I left in 2017 after 27 years of marriage and I'm still a mess.
@aug30142 жыл бұрын
I think you must have dated my ex-husband.
@gwm43332 жыл бұрын
@@aug3014 😂😂😂 Cluster B’s Behave the Same. Too Toxic they Say they don’t any Problems and instead, it’s the other person who needs to work on themselves. Simply LEAVE for the sake of your Sanity😅
@jaycarl15623 жыл бұрын
The education that I am receiving from this channel is having a profound positive effect on my life and the lives around me. Thank you so much for providing this type of content!
@mirjanadolenec30995 жыл бұрын
As we all do get angry I'd like you to talk about how to communicate anger without hurting the other and damage relationships.
@misse71545 жыл бұрын
I think there are two components: 1.) Learning how to be an effective communicator 2.) Understanding yourself and your emotions = being able to communicate your needs and concerns in a constructive way.
@christiany36985 жыл бұрын
A simple thing to do - just step away when you feel angry and take your time to calm down. Never try to have a conversation in a negative state. This would be my first step. Second - learn do control your emotions. Its not true that all of us get angry. Try a simple breathing exercise at the beginning and work your way up from there with other techniques.
@NomoSapienss5 жыл бұрын
@@christiany3698 Everybody gets angry under the right circumstances. Anger is a fundamental human emotion. Awareness/mindfulness/breathing can help recognize one's feelings, calm down physically and mentally, effectively cutting the emotional response shorter. Not saying this to argue, but it's important to recognize that the goal can't be to never experience the feeling of anger. A more fruitful goal could be to minimize it's negative impacts on oneself and others and learn how to heal relationships (as opposed to trying to never feel anger and thus inevitably feel disappointed in oneself for not reaching this impossible goal). Anyways, your tip on breathing exercise and not trying to have conversations while angry are gold.
@christiany36985 жыл бұрын
@@NomoSapienss Good point of view which makes sense. I have to ponder on it for a while.
@Ad_Astra_3215 жыл бұрын
Teal definitely has a polarising personality... people either love her or hate her. It's interesting.
@aperfectplace5 жыл бұрын
I think being screamed at is a real dealbreaker and also in front of people down the street too !!
@satsumamoon4 жыл бұрын
That comes under anger and aggression
@virginiafonacier87954 жыл бұрын
Like my narc husband and his sister,well described here.
@kynathomas48094 жыл бұрын
Had this done to me by a co-worker I know longer speak to her.
@barbaramarshall52714 жыл бұрын
Oh yes, this with my mum and now no longer
@Grimenoughtomaketherobotcry4 жыл бұрын
Depends on who's screaming; the narcissistic abuser or the victim?
@helenannelder88604 жыл бұрын
As you described your list of “toxic personality” I realized I know people who have many of those characteristics. Through my own work with a therapist, I can now say I have terminated my relationships with those people. They just were not worth the time and effort to maintain a connection.
@dasitmane7590 Жыл бұрын
Its weird though because some people get aid and understanding with the problems they have and their interests from society and the culture, while others have to work through them themselves and be percieved worse, with more suspicion and less understanding, because the aid and understanding that can come from established or encouraged societal or cultural perspectives and make the process more automatic and easier isnt there
@IExpectedBSJustNotThisMuchBS4 жыл бұрын
My ex husband was a rageaholic. One of his excuses is that he was angry in the moment and let it go; I should too. Didn't seem to care that it doesn't work that way. No remorse.
@cynzix4 жыл бұрын
And you have the flipside: I am a heavy swearer when I'm frustrated, but I close his room's door when I feel that way, so I don't disturb him. He says that I'm abusive with him for making him endure that. The problem is that he is having and procrastination all day, while I work my ass off 8 hors a day in a very stressful job, so I think that he's being insensitive. A couple times he approached me and gave me a hug, and then I calmed immediately, so why did he prefers to do nothing and then hold a grudge against me for being toxic?
@barbarastrayhorn46674 жыл бұрын
Relatives who spew garbage at you when they're angry and then after they calm down say that it didn't count because they were upset. I guess it only counts if they can destroy your self esteem when they are feeling calm and rational. Made no sense to me.
@cynzix4 жыл бұрын
@@barbarastrayhorn4667 I don't say anything to him, I swear at my coworkers or my boss (one of the perks of working from home is that you can vent and nobody will know), or just a big old F bomb here and there. It's never about him, yet he takes it personal for "upsetting him"...
@heathaalpoel64044 жыл бұрын
Sounds like my Husband he suffered intermittent Explosive Disorder. He loses control and has no recollection (He sees Red) almost like a altered state of consciousness. Therapy was a must! Sucks being on the receiving end hope you found it in your heart to forgive him and most important yourself. I now I struggled with letting go of the past. Crucial to my growth. Best of luck
@gnwzataz3 жыл бұрын
@@cynzix it would piss me off and hurt me too. I have a father like that and it destroys the whole mood inside
@spacemanspiff30523 жыл бұрын
As always, a very interesting discussion. I see this post of yours as essentially a public service announcement. Unfortunately, I am a person who is prone to entering into a relationships that are toxic. I tend to think the best of people, try to “save” people experiencing difficulty or sadness, not sufficiently defend my boundaries, and avoid conflict. These traits, coupled with shyness, have facilitated my entry into 3 significant relationships, two failed marriages and one uniquely devastating long-term relationship with what I now understand to be a narcissist, who really did lasting damage to my psyche. My level of distrust, resentment, and anger are so high now, I worry that I, myself, may be turning into a toxic person. Your list will be helpful to me in the future so as not to fall so easily victim to toxic people.
@nicolaxoxo15 жыл бұрын
I find how a person acts while driving as a good litmus test. If they have often inappropriate road rage episodes then they probably would eventually turn that aggression on me. So far my theory has unfortunately been proven correct
@BloodNAshez4 жыл бұрын
I agree. Anyone bragging about road rage I steer clear of.
@Grimenoughtomaketherobotcry4 жыл бұрын
Try driving with them as a passenger and see if they are backseat drivers who have gross over-reactions to every perceived infraction/mistake you supposedly "commit". THEN have them drive, and count the number of times THEY do exactly what they criticise you for, with numerous other, and more dangerous, ones to boot.
@JesusLovesBest2 жыл бұрын
I had someone road rage at me yesterday as I slowed down and turned right a little abruptly, I did use my blinker....i had seen my son needed a ride and I stopped for him. This guy who was following me screamed F- you so loud I jerked the wheel and almost hit the curb. I hope I never see or hear him again. It actually scared me a bit.
@darynagorska6552 жыл бұрын
Omg, my first ex was super angry every time he drove! 😱😱😱 In fact I left him after a 10-yr long marriage! Couldn't stand his toxicity anymore!
@honeybadgernasty2 жыл бұрын
Good observation!
@judem13593 жыл бұрын
Fascinating. Really enjoyed this. Agree on the anger: feeling anger is one thing, acting on it in a destructive, harmful way is another….
@bellam73594 жыл бұрын
Thank you for this video 💜 Based on your list, my ex partner was definitely a toxic person. The number one point of anger/aggression definitely applied to him. I walked on eggshells never knowing what I might say or do to set him off & I lived that way for over 3 years. Im so glad I found the strength to leave.
@RHmanyfaces2 жыл бұрын
Had a husband like what you commented. I made excuses for his behavior thinking he would change after 25 years. I divorced him, I waited to long to get out should have left when I was younger.
@tammyfitzgerald5336 Жыл бұрын
💯🙏🏽💯🙏🏽🙌🙌only way is no contact
@evelyndavenport44903 жыл бұрын
The most toxic action that a person can take (to me) is setting people up to be humiliated, blackmailed, stalked, or manipulated (by various questioning techniques) into creating false illusions. Also, holding grudges, being rigid and on to anger (revenge seeking).
@flailinginge25 жыл бұрын
Wow my ex has/had at least 4 on that list. I am still suffering the after effects, he is still blackening my name wherever he goes. Thank you Dr Grande! 😊
@carolfoster90465 жыл бұрын
Excellent extrapolation and selection of toxic behaviors. You also gave great explanations for your choices.
@maryannelkareh83404 жыл бұрын
Dr. Grande...I just found your KZbin site a few weeks ago. I have watched hour's of your videos already and I can honestly say that you have taught me the answers too so many things that I have wondered about for year's. You are an excellent Doctor and I am so grateful to have found you. Your wisdom is priceless. Thank you
@misse71545 жыл бұрын
Hypothetical personality disorders....I love it! And only Dr. Grande could pull that off with gusto!
@QoraxAudio4 жыл бұрын
I'm not really sure how this hypothetical "toxic personality disorder" would add value to the DSM, since it's a lot like covert narcissism. But I do think that issues like "compulsive buying disorder" or a more generic variant for example could be a thing.
@miriamgonczarska6134 жыл бұрын
Very helpful! We always find reason why is it ok to be frustrated, angry, holding a grudge. Respecting others starts with little things, which are extremely difficult to see. When we talk about personality disorders we talking about crimes and serious boundaries violation, but the relatively small infractions actually are also toxic, destructive and hurtful.. I would add being judgmental, overly critical, and speaking badly about others (not in therapy settings) to the list.
@janetpattison84743 жыл бұрын
I’m sick & tired of dealing with anger maniacs, Who believe they have a right to blast you with their anger over trivial incidents. I say “bye-bye”.
@chocolatejellybean28205 жыл бұрын
I live with a toxic and have worked for narcissist people. I just have a sense of unease when in their company,stuff doesn't add up. I don't want to be with them. I also find I cannot be authentic with them.
@QoraxAudio4 жыл бұрын
Yes, being authentic is dangerous, because once they know what type of person you are, they'll use your personality against you by means of manipulation or passive-aggressive provocation.
@andagain98264 жыл бұрын
Dumping your anger onto others is like letting rip loud and smelly farts in confined public space.
@ting78673 жыл бұрын
Its a good checklist. Sometimes i cant say someone having personality disorder, but in my gut i sense something went terriblely wrong of this person, it helps for evaluating that persons toxicity.
@calabiyou3 жыл бұрын
I held a grudge and destroyed two relationships, but I had to. To act like what they had done was ok was more toxic to me.
@peggygenoway5 жыл бұрын
Wow! You have 95k subscribers!!! I started watching you early on and you have hundreds of comments now too. Thanks for sharing all your knowledge.
@l.a.w.794 жыл бұрын
To me, holding a grudge is a level of entitlement. It’s like justifying oneself as so important that being wronged never deserves grace.
@virginiamoss70454 жыл бұрын
Well said. The idea of holding a grudge seems totally exhausting to me. Hatred by some people also seems so terribly tiring that I just don't see how they do it so passionately. I guess hatred can be a unifying factor that appeals to people who are insecure and need other people but are generally rejected by others. So all the hateful people band together and they feel more secure and fulfilled. Then those groups make the rest of society's lives miserable and dangerous. Humans are such an enigma.
@aboultbee14 жыл бұрын
Wow. This is so wise and true
@momtosaoirse3 жыл бұрын
I never thought of it that way. You're so right!!
@BlueBerryBronzer3 жыл бұрын
That was so well analyzed... and this is coming from the queen of grudge holding! It’s not so much holding on to hatred for me it’s more like “you done me wrong and hurt me so I’m going to create a world in my head where you never existed and if I run into you, you are now a stranger I am forced to me cordial with and nothing more”
@calabiyou3 жыл бұрын
It depend what the grudge is about. Why should you be allowed to get way with anything, expecting to be forgiven.
@crystaljean5225 жыл бұрын
This was such a great smorgasbord! Thank you. I have seen such a complex tapestry of co-morbidity in several people close to me, I have had trouble placing them into just one box. I really appreciate this. Thanks again.
@rosiehawtrey2 жыл бұрын
Not entirely sure you know what co morbidity means. My cancer and Fibromyalgia (which seems to incite cancers, yay me) and the histamine cascade I had are co-morbidities to me catching cv19, or practically any other infection (and if you think that bundle of joy is over, think again) but being a vicious little a-hole is not a condition that puts your health at risk.. Unless your wife happens to have a large joint in the fridge she can belt you with (Roald Dahls adult stories are absolutely hilarious)...
@chefnerd4 жыл бұрын
And that's every box ticked for a colleague of mine. I'm so glad he does not work on my team anymore because it was a very stressful time back then :/
@theresathompson47193 жыл бұрын
Always interesting to hear what you have to say. It seems to be a very common catch phrases the toxic person and not wanting negativity. I always felt that I wanted to be kind and not dispose of people that are struggling. I have learned the difference between feelings and emotions vs. Simply bad behavior and abuse. I remove myself from those individuals lives that display bad or abusive behavior towards me.
@Billybean8435 жыл бұрын
Avoidance is extremely toxic and destructive. AVPD reeks havoc interpersonally. Not only does it invalidate the partner emotionally and physically, but it is often overlooked and underrepresented. Having an avoidant partner is extremely frustrating, humiliating, and down right invalidating in general. I think avoidance may be one of the WORST criteria in terms of toxicity and should’ve been added to the list at LEAST if not in the top 5. My opinion though, coming from experience.
@SweetBlackSistah5 жыл бұрын
Yes! It's very invalidating and abusive with a partner that never wants to resolve conflict.
@Billybean8435 жыл бұрын
Misanthropic Bihhh especially when the people around you begin to question the victim as the avoider does so like they are doing nothing wrong. Knee jerk reactions become mistaken as a valid and authentic reaction to “negative” behavior.
@SweetBlackSistah5 жыл бұрын
@@Billybean843 precisely! It's infuriating and so damaging because from my experience, I did start questioning myself whether or not was I tripping; Is it all me? Great comment!
@Billybean8435 жыл бұрын
Misanthropic Bihhh oh extremely. I went through it too and pray to GOD I don’t experience it ever again. I wouldn’t wish it on my worst enemy. Thank you very much!!! It often goes under the radar as it doesn’t have that many faucets to show itself and is usually high functioning in nature, but the damage it does to the victim is profound and extremely toxic. Happy to meet someone who went through something similar ☺️☺️☺️♥️
@SweetBlackSistah5 жыл бұрын
@@Billybean843 I'm sorry you went through that. Just know it wasn't you. Xoxo
@jameshughes30145 жыл бұрын
Thank you very much for your clarifications about the idea of 'toxic' vs an actual disorder. I am always grateful when people are clear about things like that.
@ionichi5 жыл бұрын
It is very real and I call it "Mother"
@Huundeblogg3 жыл бұрын
😧
@anotherplanet58283 жыл бұрын
Hugs. I just went no contact with mine after almost 55 years of toxic sludge eminating from her hateful lips.
@saloninegi70623 жыл бұрын
Yup! Mine too!
@rodmorrison66445 жыл бұрын
Great list of 10 behaviors that are toxic. Attributing any 4 of them would be a toxic person... Where would being hypersensitive to criticism and never saying sorry or apologizing for anything with blame shifting. Could be a combination of #2 & #3 sliding into #1? Yes, I knew that I had a toxic marriage, but 10 for 10+ WHEW!
@MrLloydforever25 жыл бұрын
2-3 outta 10 !!! I feel good " But , I still feel like I need alot of work personally !! I don't want to hurt myself or anyone else !! God" knows I want & need to continue to work on myself !! Thank 💞 you
@amanitamuscaria75004 жыл бұрын
I think, if you feel confused about what's happening, that's a good starting indicator the person may be toxic. For me it's Anger (bullying, threatening), lying (gaslighting), controlling (forcing their will on you), arrogance/entitlement, bearing a grudge (from a real or imagined hurt) and posing as the victim. And alcoholism/substance abuse often goes hand in hand.
@angelacret5 жыл бұрын
Very interesting topic, Dr. Grande. When you have the chance, please talk about people with Aspergers/high functioning autism and relationships. Thank you.
@velvetindigonight4 жыл бұрын
Great Idea! So underdiagnosed especially in women and because of this can create real issues in close friendships and relationships. Professor Tony Attwood has a great lecture here on YT 'Girls and Aspergers' which is so full of usefull information and advice including relationships including with items as well as people! Enjoy
@warriormanmaxx89912 жыл бұрын
@Angela Cret - Why does Dr. Grande have to talk about Asperger's/ autism? There are plenty of videos on KZbin already - there is no cure, or pills to take for normalcy ... whatever "normalcy" means.
@angelacret2 жыл бұрын
@@warriormanmaxx8991 Because a true scientist will always look for answers to a problem where there are no answers (not yet !). I perceive Dr. Grande as a scientist who did not stop looking for answers.
@tamaramagdalene10005 жыл бұрын
I know one sign of a toxic personality. When you say to your mate "hey, look what I learned from Dr. Grande today" and you get "who is Dr. Grande?? Another man!?" "He's on KZbin." "Who is KZbin!? Another man!?"
@igunzOsick4 жыл бұрын
Nah thats just a sign your mate is a actually a caveman
@amanitamuscaria75004 жыл бұрын
Pmsl
@CristinaAcosta3 жыл бұрын
😂oh my.....
@charlotteboyett-napper47802 жыл бұрын
Trying to have a relationship with someone with many or most of these traits is definitely crazy making. I’m so glad I found this information and have been set free from justifying their behavior.
@tammyfitzgerald5336 Жыл бұрын
Ya can’t sorry I had to boot his ass out hell no life too short live everyday as it is your last tomorrow never promised 🙏🏽💯🙏🏽💯🙌💥💥💥🏃♀️🏃♀️🏃♀️
@AbuilyasalAryanee10 ай бұрын
@tammyfitzgerald5336 you are a narcissist
@rejaneoliveira50194 жыл бұрын
I think your list was very well thought out. I would probably add pathological lying, this one is pretty toxic. I am glad you added lack empathy at the second place, that makes total sense. Empathy is a concept that I find it fascinating, it took me a long time to comprehend that some people have no empathy, in fact I still don’t know if I can fully understand that. Such a nice video, truly enjoyable!❤️
@andrewkowalski39763 жыл бұрын
10) Holding a grudge and being unforgiving. 9) Inappropriate provocative behaviour e.g infidelity 8) Sense of entitlement 7)Arrogant,condescending and pretentious 6)Reckless disregard for the safety of others 5)Inappropriate or constricted affect or coldness. Blocks tenderness safety and Sensitivity. 4)Extreme position on conscientiousness. Lack of regard or rigid adherence to rules. 3) Being manipulative and deceitful 2)Lack of empathy ( cognitive & affective) and remorse. Guilt 1)Agression and Anger Dependent and avoidant personality not included.
@pocoeagle25 жыл бұрын
It's almost unbelievable, but your videos are still more brilliant and on a very highly excellent educational level. Thank you so much Dr. Grande 👍 I miss passive aggressive behaviour, but maybe it can be included with aggression itself and probably we can see this behaviour with several personality disorders, like BPD, NPD and the construct of vulnerable narcissism? The problem with people who have OCPD is that they often demand also these perfectionistic behaviours from others. You're not allowed to make mistakes, so you're going to walk on eggshells. Thanks for the list in the description! Have a good evening doc 😃
@attackhelicoptercat5 жыл бұрын
Dr. Grande, im really glad you made this video, in my opinion it was really needed. ill definitely be sharing this with my friends. thank you.
@LucretziaB4 жыл бұрын
I love your videos Dr. Grande, mainly because you present both sides of the subject, as completely as you can and fairly. You may state your opinion, yet put forward the scientific facts, as you've studied them. Thank you for your time and expertise. I am very grateful.
@AngelinaATF5 жыл бұрын
My favorite line: “Now, I am not creating disorders here for the DSM”. 🌿👀🌿 I love it! 🤣😂🤣👍👍THANK U, Grande! I’m always looking for something to turn into funny & it speaks no ill of you! It is just my goofy, over-educated & under-utilized brain🤪!
@kathrinjohnson25825 жыл бұрын
😄😄😄
@tracieday86615 жыл бұрын
He cracks me up on just about every video. I love this guy.
@louisepeacock39533 жыл бұрын
you’ve done well. Anger/rage is enough all by itself
@jg59305 жыл бұрын
Sounds pretty toxic to me! 😪😡 I’ve been on the receiving end. Not nice!
@kathryncarter61434 жыл бұрын
Formed an escape plan yet????
@davidordebbiestudebaker37254 жыл бұрын
Uncontrollable anger and rage I dealt with in myself towards others until I was 50. I was toxic and I understand why it scores the highest value. After much prayer, one day, thank God, it released from me. I’m enjoying my life now for 11 years... and so are all those around me. Of course, not everyone has forgiven me. Keep praying. I prayed intensely for 15 years for help, it wasn’t overnight. I’m hoping your freedom comes sooner.
@docspringer74763 жыл бұрын
On Number 1, I think passive aggression, as seen with covert narcissism, would also be included. So, less shouting, hitting, throwing things, but more underhanded destructive behavior (accidentally on purpose) - breaking something - like a delicate clock, or door latch, or harming a pet, etc. Or damaging, hiding, tossing out, important items (phone laptop, photos, jewelry, great-grandmas quilt, etc.)
@kingsburyscourt32323 жыл бұрын
I think you hit a point on #4 when you brought up about either following rules exactly or not following rules... what I notice from toxic personalities often can switch extremes when it benefits themselves. Break rules they don’t like, the virtue signaling when people are watching.
@alierikenoglu80064 жыл бұрын
Dear Dr. Grande, thank you for sharing your experience, kindness and wisdom with the world. Sadly, most of those traits you describe exist in most of my work associates, and a few of my family members. This discussion also has the listener reflect on their own behavior, which may be part of your intention here... I know I did :) Again, thank you kind sir.
@zarapolden47595 жыл бұрын
This is so useful in order to really be able to name symptoms of a toxic personality, in both directions, recognising why others' behaviours are so problematic but also in supporting self-awareness, recognising times that I might be contributing to pain in a relationship. Your videos so far are very clear and well expressed.
@woofiedog74525 жыл бұрын
Not Not sure that anger should come first or even be in the list at all. Anger is constructive if it gets someone to seek justice or heal themselves of hurt. It can be the engine of ambition and if you stifle anger by dismissing it , that can lead to all kinds of mental health issues. Displaying it inappropriately should be the key point here -taking it out of innocent people, constantly using it as an excuse not to move on. It is not anger that is the problem it is the inappropriate processing of that emotion that makes it so problematic. I would put being 'superficial and indifferent' in that list too. If people don't care enough about the people around them how can that be good for society and relationships? I would put lack of empathy at No.1 and Jealousy and Envy ought to be in that list too, which often does lead to destructive behaviours like bullying. My list would be: 1. Lack of Empathy (if you can't wear someone else's shoes, you can't relate to someone's pain properly and can't right a wrong) 2. Indifference and Superficiality of relationships (lack of true caring - using and exploitative) 3. Inability to process anger properly to good effect (to heal or act to improve a situation) 4. Jealousy / Envy (we live in an imperfect, unequal world. We need to cope with that healthily not take out frustration out on others) 5. Passive Aggressive behaviours (lack of communication to punish someone instead of dealing with an issue head-on) 6. Lack of Accountability : Arrogance / Entitlement (unwilling to submit to a higher being /God- no spiritual values means unfettered behaviours) 7 Obsessiveness and refusal to move on (lack of forgiveness to move on - get stuck in hatred) 8. Over-dependency (co-dependency is damaging if you breach boundaries or can't respect characteristics you don't have or agree with) 9. Dishonesty and lying - shows lack of respect for relationships) 10. Inflexibility (not getting on with people, being willing to cooperate or compromise) - essential in any relationship
@robertafierro55922 жыл бұрын
This is the BEST one yet! I will listen to this many times..thank you Dr. Grande for helping me navigate my way through this great big world! The word "conciencentious"" to me, means being mindful and aware.
@paulshortall67345 жыл бұрын
Yes & there’s lots of ppl who have 4 +, unfortunately
@cristiandamata74 жыл бұрын
This topic help us to navigate in situations where we don't fell confortable to label someone as a cluster b, in the other hand, the toxic behavior are quite self explanatory and reveals what kind of person we are dealing with and so we can take appropriated decisions and move on. Thanks for the excelent work.
@aperfectplace5 жыл бұрын
Boy how I felt after we broke up, didn’t want to let him go... Took me years to get over him... Now I realise he wasn’t good for me... He is a policeman of 34 years, he lie, he abused me so bad Plus my own daughter as well, he cheated, he con me. No wonder my Doctor told me he was a sociopath... Maybe having a Convert Narcissistic Mother had something about why I pick this partner ? Loving all your videos thank you so much from Australia 🇦🇺.
@elyaqui53244 жыл бұрын
Yea alot of police officers are the same. Power hungry ego trip. I dont know how woman always go for the Most piece of shit Men. Nice guys always finish last that's a fact
@averagepollinator4 жыл бұрын
This is really helpful. It is possible for a person to have harmful, toxic traits without having a full on disordered personality. People who want to improve their ability to function and connect with others CAN benefit from psychopathology and its concepts, in trying to identify what parts of them are dysfunctional and need healing - not necessarily self-diagnosing over the internet (self-diagnosing often seems to lead to all energy being spent into finding a diagnosis that "fits" instead of actually taking steps to improve one's mentality or current condition), but identifying behavior, thoughts and patterns that are harmful and unreasonable, and figuring out how to curb them and replace them with healthy habits.
@margaretwinson4025 жыл бұрын
Great list! I'd be bothered by only one of these behaviours showing up consistently.
@Ellis_Esoteric4 жыл бұрын
Thank you for these videos, I have PTSD and have an impaired judgement emotionally (which I am working on) and was a people pleaser to the leader of my group. I gave up my money, house, and friends for what I thought was spiritual. I traveled to Bali with the group summer 2019. I was used, phyically, emotionally, and sexually.
@sarahcox11974 жыл бұрын
Been going to therapy and addressing my rage issues ... I always suspected that I had Borderline traits, especially when I was younger and in response to my childhood, but I also struggle with holding a grudge and not forgiving certain people. It's not a whole lot but my mother is among them and one or two people who remind me of my mother and have tried to hurt me, I just can't change my mind about them. Not sure why I can't let that go yet.
@carciismith90462 жыл бұрын
When I did dbt, I learned that my rage was what was described to me as a secondary emotion, ie. I couldn't cope with my sadness and fear of abandonment leading to my anger at having those emotions. It takes alot of practise, but learning to cope with uncomfortable emotions, greatly reduced the incidence of rages. I would recommend Dbt to anyone that wants to learn skills that can help overcome borderline traits.
@mandydandy84032 жыл бұрын
I'm in the same boat
@lisamcdonald28772 жыл бұрын
I don't believe that forgiveness is always the goal. I don't obsess over past hurts, but I have no desire to tell myself the major ones don't matter anymore. They helped make me who I am, for better or worse. I'm not telling anyone else to adopt my view, just expressing it.
@SirenaSpades Жыл бұрын
It only hurts you, to keep using energy on holding grudges. And if you act on these grudges, it makes you look insane.
@lisasteward69454 жыл бұрын
Another trait i would include is hypocrisy: in effect hold those you have in relationships to a double standard. “you need to follow the rules, but I am above the rules.” My father used to say , “Do as I say, not as I do” thanks again Dr.G
@DoreenBellDotan5 жыл бұрын
Any one of those behaviors would make someone toxic.
@amitliss74334 жыл бұрын
You are seriously wonderful, way to go!
@tonnnyy77664 жыл бұрын
I fit that profile Doc. Thanks for crafting this analysis. Great work!
@Musicgranny3 жыл бұрын
So brilliant! You have helped me and my grandchildren so much in dealing with a highly manipulative daughter/mother who is possibly Borderline/ Bipilar/Historonic and everything you named..
@Yourfavsonya12 жыл бұрын
I too have been helped by Dr Grande, my daughter is currently keeping my grandchildren from me, my heart is broken from the loss and fear for my grandchildren. She is diagnosed BPD, but this list fits her better. This is hard stuff!
@RobTSLA5 жыл бұрын
Hit the nail on the head with this one mate!
@MichaelBrodie682 жыл бұрын
Brilliant and thoughtful analysis. We need a "malignantly annoying" symptom. Someone for instance who puts you down, then commiserates that it's such a shame you're a mediocre person.
@rightnow58395 жыл бұрын
👍🏻 Dr. Grande! Perfect explanation of the dangerous personalities. 💗 💕 💗 Hope your having a good summer. 😊
@annharrison39055 жыл бұрын
Due to being bullied throughout my life, I tend to hold grudges, and I am deeply sensitive and the slightest things cut deep, also I find it difficult to forgive. I only have one symptom, as I am not aggressive, more passive/aggressive. But I can only be like that for so long, as I feel that is a failing, people see me as weak.
@JOtt-hg6vu5 жыл бұрын
Please don't take this video to heart. I think it's extremely judgmental. Just the word toxic is so very harsh. We are all weak and have our failings. That doesn't make us toxic. It makes us human.
@okaywhynot47284 жыл бұрын
Every single human being has a shortcoming or flaw that they have to work on, and just like you deserve to be gentler to yourself (rather than assume you’re thoroughly toxic), you should bear in mind that most people doing or saying hurtful things is more a cry of accumulated personal pain than an actual portrayal of you. We’re all *some* manner of fucked up. The key is really to know what and actively work on it.
@kathrinjohnson25825 жыл бұрын
Wow awesome video! 👏👏👏 Please share more of your hypothesis in future videos! 😀😀
@scottswenson99203 жыл бұрын
I appreciate the way in which you evaluate, process and express knowledge and emperically gained information. The carefullnes in your language and word choice is the final manifestation of your honed thought process. As a result, you arrive at more reasonable conclusions rather than simple reactions. Our initial reactions have to be checked for accuracy - you do a good job of this. Your irony laced sense of humor is a welcome addition. Keep up the good work. This is the first comment I have ever made on Utube. I don't believe in wasting words. Thanks.
@silentgrove76703 жыл бұрын
6:36 "Inappropriate provocative behaviour ..... affects 40% to 60% of marriages." Yikes !!!
@lisacharlebois7213 Жыл бұрын
Thank you for your time on this subject, I am understanding the differences and this will help me with my future relationships on all levels. 🙏
@VoxLesPaul2 жыл бұрын
Shortcuts (click on blue M:SS time stamp): 5:36 10. Holding a grudge and being unforgiving 6:34 09. Inappropriate provocative behavior 7:08 08. Sense of entitlement 8:13 07. Being arrogant, condescending and pretentious 9:00 06. Reckless disregard for the safety of others 9:31 05. Coldness 10:14 4. Extreme position conscientiousness 11:39 3. Being manipulative, deceitful 12:09 2. Lack of empathy, remorse, guilt 13:13 1. Aggression, anger
@audreydaleski1067 Жыл бұрын
One thing I do not forgive is a narcissist gut and face and neck punching a small woman.
@j_freed3 жыл бұрын
Doctor my poor sister apparently fits all of these things…and yet doesn’t seem to know or care about toxicity. Thank you for the clarity of this description.
@mystijkissler81835 жыл бұрын
You're very good to us, Dr. Grande, for your effort in building this list for us to use as a guide.
@Ziaoe2 жыл бұрын
"they are looking for an excuse to justify unproductive and hurtful behavior" thank you. No one likes to feel unsafe and frightened.
@patrickhanson7125 жыл бұрын
I have Borderline because of a very toxic family, who had it too
@mirjanadolenec30995 жыл бұрын
:'(
@TheOptimistikChic5 жыл бұрын
Patrick, having BPD is not a toxic curse. Never be ashamed of having a mental illness - stigmas need to go. 💙
@patrickhanson7125 жыл бұрын
@@TheOptimistikChic Thank you and I do understand that. When my therapist was able to get me to acknowledge, or more like admit, that my mother and grandmother (primary caregivers) were both *Ill* I felt a massive empathy, understanding, relief.... but the intensity of it all did not go away in a moment and will be at it a while.
@patrickhanson7125 жыл бұрын
@@mirjanadolenec3099 Ikr and thanks, I am extremely fortunate to have a very good therapist and progress is good!
@TheOptimistikChic5 жыл бұрын
@@patrickhanson712 You are more than welcome. I have bipolar disorder and PTSD - however, my PTSD came from a death I witnessed in my immediate family when I was young. Many of my symptoms are very similar to borderline. I have had my illness for 40 years - and I would like to say this to you - never lose hope. Life can improve. 🙂
@beachstreet1012 жыл бұрын
This is a good list. What’s fascinating is that I find the masses tend to fall into #1. The aggression one. Just log onto social media to see the endless array of negativity and aggression from tweets to comments. And it’s often supported and applauded. So many people with that personality disorder tend to hide behind their phones and screens.
@pauldavid1675 жыл бұрын
Incredibly, my ex girlfriend had all those 10. The evil stunts she pulled on me has left me in recovery. Her favourite trick was mocking me by text, after a paranoid rant that I had been cheating (projection or paranoia) of her sexual conquests. After some digging I found out she had made it all up to hurt me. My crime? Was to merely love her. I am still coming out of mental shock. She would change into a sort of mocking demon. It was scary, I used to shake and I am a guy who is quite tough.
@lisbethbird82684 жыл бұрын
Mocking demon...I recognize. It thinks it's all that and a,bag of chips. It is freaking scary because is true inhumanity insanity.
@AxelGizmo3 жыл бұрын
I came to know two persons in my life whom I consider toxic, both workplace. Both are quite aggressive at times and passive-aggressive at _all_ times.