Toxic Parenting, Adultcentrism and The Harmful Idealization of Motherhood

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Little Shop of Ali

Little Shop of Ali

Күн бұрын

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@LilShopofAli
@LilShopofAli 8 күн бұрын
Just to clarify, I understand what Nightbitch was trying to say. I don't know why I'm seeing comments saying I didn't get the message of Nightbitch. The message was not that complex for me to misunderstand lol. I understand that it's about how mothers lose themselves and how the idea of motherhood that women are sold is bullshit (something she literally says in the movie). But just because a movie has an intended message, doesn't mean the execution was good and that's what I was getting at. I wasn't saying the mother couldn't change her mind about being a stay-at-home mom, my point was that she's harboring resentment towards her husband over something that she insisted upon, and I don't think that was totally fair even if the husband is incompetent. That's why I brought up Tully, because I feel that movie did a much better job of conveying that message of losing herself as a mother and how it can negatively impact your mental health when you aren't getting the support and help that you need. And how fathers who probably feel they aren't doing anything wrong because they provide financially, can be completely checked out and unaware of how much their wives are struggling. Although I will say it does let the husband off the hook too much and is more focused on telling Marlo that she should appreciate her mundane life. Both movies have their flaws, but Tully is one of the few "being a mom is hard" movie that I've seen so far that I was actually moved by.
@ketchupfries7521
@ketchupfries7521 7 күн бұрын
I think the book the movie was based on, was much better than the movie. It fleshed out the ideas a lotttttt more and the mother had a lot more character and it revealed her inner thoughts a lot more that make the message a lot better. It had more examples of the father being a POS and the mother knowing this and not being happy about it. I think the movie was just, a cheapening of what the book stood for. The book makes the movie look like hot garbo, and yeah I read the book first and was veryyyyy disappointed at how they ruined it.
@mullauna
@mullauna 2 күн бұрын
My grandmother Thelma and my own mother and then my mother treating me 😢 - i wonder if there is a genetic component (as we now know PTSD and addiction have).
@mullauna
@mullauna 2 күн бұрын
How many people in the world remember Diane Downs or Kimberly Trenor compared to a killer that was a dad?
@lostinthelookingglas
@lostinthelookingglas 11 күн бұрын
Now that I'm an adult, I realize exactly how bad my childhood was. I think most adults forget that children are essentially slaves to their parents until they are physically capable of escaping and surviving on their own. Being a child in a bad situation is a nightmare. No one will help you. No one will even believe you. I will always take the child's side on this, now that I realize how truly helpless children are.
@kerisaltchannel3817
@kerisaltchannel3817 10 күн бұрын
I’m in a situation like that rn…I’m 17 at the moment so idk how much longer I’ll be in it..
@nineteenfortyeight
@nineteenfortyeight 10 күн бұрын
​@@kerisaltchannel3817 < 1 year ... do what you gotta do
@TheCakeIsALie-1
@TheCakeIsALie-1 10 күн бұрын
And when they believe you it's almost worse. I was often pitied by teachers and other relatives. I was not shy about the abuse I suffered, but even if I was, the neglect was evident (stained clothes that were too small, dirty face, ungroomed hair, a single peanut butter sandwich for lunch with no sides or drink to "satisfy CPS" as my mom would put it, etc.)
@Neku628
@Neku628 10 күн бұрын
Yeah and some of us as adults are still living in our parents' shadows because we've been conditioned that every success is not because of our own merits but due to our parents' influence.
@LilithsCosmicLounge
@LilithsCosmicLounge 10 күн бұрын
I remember hearing ppl say “ tell an adult” or “tell a trusted adult”. Either the adult won’t believe you and call you a liar. Or they do & CPS makes it worse. There is no help for runaways!! So it’s either get abused at home or get abused by adults outside the home. All adults are trash.
@magicalgirlsAMV.mp4
@magicalgirlsAMV.mp4 11 күн бұрын
I felt so isolated growing up with an abusive mother. I couldn't talk about it without being blamed and shamed, not only by the conservative "family is sacred" kind of people, but also by fellow feminists who demanded of me infinite empathy and forgiveness for my mother who was "doing her best". Empathy, love and respect are both-way streets, you can't demand victims of abuse those things when their abusers have shown them none. Loved your video ❤
@kianabrash
@kianabrash 10 күн бұрын
Doing their best is just an excuse they tell themselves because it's easier than being BETTER.
@alyssapinon9670
@alyssapinon9670 9 күн бұрын
I swear some “feminists” have not unpacked the toxic brand of forgiveness that is pervasive in our society, especially in conservative Christian spaces. Basically forcing the victims to be the “bigger person” so the abusers never have to take accountability and disrupt the status quo.
@mynameisreallycool1
@mynameisreallycool1 5 күн бұрын
"but also by fellow feminists who demanded of me infinite empathy and forgiveness for my mother who was 'doing her best'." Omg. Thank you for saying this. Whenever I've complained about people who say things like this or movies with that sort of terrible message of them using feminism to excuse abusive or neglectful mothers with things like, "Well, moms are held to a high standard! Be grateful for your mom! You're just being anti woman!" Parenting is hard and these moms are just doing their best! Don't parent shame!", it felt like I was just crazy and reading too much into things, because a lot of people disagreed with me. Reading this makes me feel validated. It just feels like they don't actually care about women but want to enable and excuse bad parenting under the guise of, "Supporting women." These same people hardly criticize the economy for making raising children expensive or for taking so many hours of the day to slave away at work so they have less time to raise children, nor do they focus on dads hardly helping around the house.
@TheSim1derful
@TheSim1derful 2 күн бұрын
I've never understood this - I grew up in a very safe, happy home with my parents happily married. This has made me see every easily why my friends or others with abusive parents would go no contact or cut them off. No one should have to continue contact with anyone who abuses them, and should be allowed to discuss it or vent about it. Family relation is irrelevant!
@mmps18
@mmps18 11 күн бұрын
As the mother of a toddler, I loved this! I think about adultism now too. Having my son made me realize how few rights the littles ones have and makes me have so much empathy for kids of all ages.
@ritasprinkle5098
@ritasprinkle5098 11 күн бұрын
Tbh, being a kid is one of the greatest injustices ever. Kids are not seen as complete people. They're commodities, and they've kinda always been commodities. I f/cking hate it.
@alyonaf1054
@alyonaf1054 10 күн бұрын
And also they are forced to be grateful to parents doing their most basic direct parent duties, by nature and law, in the first place. Like... if you do not want to feed, clothe and house your child, why tf did you have a child in the first place?? To starve them to death immediately or what? I am.not talking of the situations where pregnancies are unwanted. Most people actually have children willingly and even advertise it left and right, as we know. They are praising their CHOICE to have a child and encouraging others to make this CHOICE. But they turn around and tell their children who had no say in any of it that they should be grateful that they were not born with crack heads. You not being a drunk or a crack head is something you do FOR YOU in the first place. Why tf children should be "grateful" for you being a normal person?? Just normal. While you demand your children to be "better". Do you yourself try to be? Evidently, they think they are just fine the way they are. But they won't accept their children just like they are. Interesting. These types of adults are the ones who ARE ungrateful. For their children. For the opportunity to have one. A healthy one. There are parents who are not so lucky. Even to become parents. These parents are the ungrateful ones who will justify punishing their child for spilled milk when it is the parent's fault there was no spare milk in the house, parent's fault for not watching the child more carefully and so on.... That man's speech just made me whisper scream all those things to myself in fury. You sure need to teach children to acknowledge and express gratitude, sure, but NOT by shaming them for their existance. Because children DID NOT choose to exist. It was your choice and your responsibility. So the argument "we were not that bad as others, because we were not addicts and you did not live under a fence" is a bunch of bs. And parents know it. A thing I realised rather early was that this was self-justification and really not meant for me but for my parents themselves. It was their guilt and their self-doubts speaking and I was just an accidental witness and unintentional trigger of all those feelings. I really hope that man was trying to sooze his own trauma rather than justyfying his own actions in case he had kids of his own amd did that sh to them. But him being a victim does not excuse him becoming an apologist of abuse. Even if it is his own abuse he is trying to justify and gloss over. Because he is hurting people now. He is hurting children whose parents patted themselves on the back even more after his speech. Saying "look, he was slapped and shouted at and beaten for every little thing children will inevitably do, and he IS grateful for that! Cool". Pathetic.
@juliannehannes11
@juliannehannes11 10 күн бұрын
I get nightmares about being an influencer kid in the 2010s photographed and posted on instagram since birth. I thank god social media wasn't a thing in the 90s.
@montagnarde1794
@montagnarde1794 9 күн бұрын
Speaking as a new mother, I've never understood the idea that kids owe their parents for bringing them into this world and taking care of them. Though, sadly, it isn't always the parents' decision, it's certainly never the child's. Taking care of your kids is the bare minimum. They don't owe you for that. I hope to treat my kid with enough kindness and respect that he still wants to have a relationship with me as an adult, but it's on me if he doesn't. That said, being a mother in particular is hard and it's a little bit frustrating when people say you should never complain about it because you chose it: remember that even if you did choose it, it's one of the very few decisions that is irrevocable and it's impossible to be fully prepared. I don't regret having my baby, but if I didn't have the kind of support that I have - and that many mothers don't have access to - I would not be in a good place. That wouldn't excuse mistreating my child, but that's precisely why, as you say, we should view mothers as people rather than putting them on a pedestal. Supporting children and their parents does not mean just automatically deferring to whatever the parents say, however unreasonable. It means things like subsidized childcare, like not sexualizing breastfeeding mothers in public, hell, even just not having contempt for children existing in public. If parents are people, so are children!
@laurenm3148
@laurenm3148 10 күн бұрын
15:33 "These movies are about how motherhood takes so much from the mother, but there aren't too many mom movies that show how this can sometimes end up falling on the children." Exactly!!
@Janna_Ash
@Janna_Ash 9 күн бұрын
How fitting I come across this today. Just a bit earlier I was speaking with my daughter’s friend about her toxic mother. She is now weaponizing the police against her. They came to yell at her about not making it to school, meanwhile they didn’t even try to understand her family dynamic. If they had, they might’ve learned her mom is abusive, the older brothers are too, and mom refuses to take responsibility for any of it. Mom cried on the phone she was scared for their safety, but as soon as the officers left she was antagonistic again, banging on her daughter’s door and yelling at her. Other family nos aware of the neglect and abuse, but all they’ll say is “you have to respect your mom mija.”
@LilShopofAli
@LilShopofAli 9 күн бұрын
That is so horrible, that makes me so mad. I hope she makes it out of there.
@zanzer386
@zanzer386 8 күн бұрын
Parents and pple in places of authority don’t just get to demand respect from young pple. Respect is earned
@sweariefaerie9621
@sweariefaerie9621 10 күн бұрын
54:39 I'm only now seeing what growing up with a disability in the 90s has done to me. I got the phrase "Don't expect any special treatment" more from family than anyone else.
@juliannehannes11
@juliannehannes11 10 күн бұрын
Or "I'll give you something to cry about"
@erikandchristine102
@erikandchristine102 11 күн бұрын
I’m a daughter of a very narcissistic, very controlling mother. I look just like her. People used to call me “Little Trish” and I despised it. She kept me clung to her side and then later was annoyed that I was always there. I was made dependent on my parents because I seen as incompetent even though that’s how they raised me to be. When I grew older and was able to rebel more, our dynamic changed a bit. I was able to show that I was an adult and deserved respect. I am still treated like I’m a toddler even into my 30’s. All I can do is heal myself and let her be.
@TheCakeIsALie-1
@TheCakeIsALie-1 10 күн бұрын
My youngest sister was the golden child and treated very similarly. She once wailed asking us if she was really "just like our abusive mother" to us because my mom basically indoctrinated my sister to see herself as an extension of my mom. As bad as being the adultified scapegoat is, I couldn't help but to think about how terrible it would be to be the babied golden child as well. It's abuse in its own right to not be allowed to form an independent identity
@banjosandclementines
@banjosandclementines 8 күн бұрын
@@erikandchristine102 i relate to this so much. This is very similar to my relationship with my mom and my parents down to a tee. I feel for you
@jacksont9455
@jacksont9455 5 күн бұрын
Jeeze. This resonated with me so much. My entire family has always seen me as an extension of my mom, even though I am 32 years old and have been living on my own since college. When I succeed? It must be because of her excellent parenting skills. When I fail (or go off-script from how they wanted my life to go) I’m going through a “rebellious little phase”. If ever I go over to visit, I’m simultaneously doted on like a mentally-slow toddler, and micromanaged like a troubled teen. Even though I have demonstrated for well over a decade that I am perfectly capable of performing adult tasks. If I express my grievances, my words are twisted as though I’m saying that I have never appreciated my mother and I unjustly think she’s the worst person ever. It’s exhausting. I was never physically or sexually abused, and I wouldn’t even call it mental or emotional abuse. But I can only deal with my family in small doses because of it.
@banjosandclementines
@banjosandclementines 5 күн бұрын
I feel like it’s actually even worse being disabled or mentally ill from the perspective of parents treating you as incompetent. Because I get bubble wrapped essentially but then also expected to know how to do adult stuff. And when I say I have trouble with this because of (autism, ocd etc.) then suddenly I’m limiting myself and “I can do so much”. In addition to the other stuff
@HobieInTheBox
@HobieInTheBox 10 күн бұрын
Whenever people tell me my mom seems so nice, or she's trying her best, or she definitely loves me, i break a little inside each time. It makes me not want to express my feelings.
@ookamigrrl
@ookamigrrl 11 күн бұрын
I'm gen x but also I'm in therapy. My mom wasn't perfect but we actually really talked before she died and she acknowledged and apologized and really unpacked the kind of mother she was. It was healing. She never was physically abusive and didn't put me down, but i am the oldest of 3 and became the other parent. I took on so much of mother role myself as a child and it affects who i am to this day. I think she may be part of the reason I've chosen to remain childless.
@LilShopofAli
@LilShopofAli 11 күн бұрын
That makes me really happy. I'm glad you got to get some closure. Thank you for sharing!
@Neku628
@Neku628 10 күн бұрын
@@LilShopofAli I hope you can talk about the relationship between stepparents, stepkids and half-siblings. I had a lot of animosity towards both my stepdad and my younger half-sister, even though my stepdad raised me since the time I was two-years-old until the time I was 17-years-old. My mom says that we were close when I was younger but as soon as my sister was born, I just resented my sister, because it just felt like my stepdad had his own biological child and he no longer had to keep pretending that his stepdaughter was his own flesh and blood. It got really out-of-hand when I was a preteen to a teenager because my stepdad was putting pressure on me to get my absentee bio dad to pay child support, so that he can get high or something. My mom was a workaholic and she just feels kind of like a stranger that would just come in and bark orders at us, keeping the house clean felt like a herculean task. My mom was pretty much the manager that would get mad because she has to do all of the work to appease her "bosses", my stepdad's parents.
@alyonaf1054
@alyonaf1054 10 күн бұрын
Yeah. What parent abuse apologists really refuse to acknowledge is that forgiveness comes after a wrongdoer's REMOURSE and ideally, at least a try of repentance. Otherwise this is just enabling. They expect a lot from children, teenagers and adult victims of abuse while absolutely excusing the abusers from any respinsibility and self-improvement.
@looneyluda
@looneyluda 8 күн бұрын
I work with teens and I've had so many conversations with them about how much it sucks to hear "You're just a teen"/"what could possibly be wrong in your life". I grew up with a mother who constantly denied or tried to one-up my mental illness to gain her own sympathy, which is what made me want to work with teens/mental health. The teens I work with are always surprised when I say I don't have a great relationship with my mom and I don't want to have that relationship improve (I've tried and had it blow up in my face too many times). A lot of them don't see that as an option.
@StormSought
@StormSought 5 күн бұрын
Especially when the difficult in the teen's life is the parents' behavior. What could be wrong? Whatever is wrong with the adult and taken out on the child.
@ritasprinkle5098
@ritasprinkle5098 11 күн бұрын
I do think there was more to be said about weaponized incompetence, and how it can be emotional abuse, and what that contributes to the harshness of motherhood. Also, as disappointing as the ending of Lady Bird is, I understand why Greta Gerwig chose to end it like that. She has talked about wanting it be realistic. It takes time for a person to break away from a toxic parent.
@LilShopofAli
@LilShopofAli 10 күн бұрын
That's a fair point
@alyssapinon9670
@alyssapinon9670 9 күн бұрын
I’m sure the mom felt justified in her toxicity because everyone except her daughter enabled the hell out of her. So naturally the person speaking out is the problem and not the cause of the toxicity. Looking back the mom is the worst kind of parent. Using her trauma to justify why her parenting skills “aren’t that bad” and probably feeling empowered by the fact that the brother and his gf practically worship her for doing the bare minimum.
@dimplesd8931
@dimplesd8931 11 күн бұрын
Gen X’er here. I had a “perfect” mom. She was beautiful. She was smart. She was accomplished. My dad loved her and they were best friends till her death. We had a great mother daughter relationship BUT I got lucky. My mom had a debilitating stroke at 48. We, as a family had to help her relearn how to do everything and after a decade her cognitive impairments progressed to Alzheimer’s. She died 10yrs ago. I say I’m lucky, because I got to switch roles with my mom for 18yrs and I got to know her as a person and not just as “my mom”. I don’t have kids but I do have nieces and I watch the push and pull between them and my sister in law with humor and horror. I try to be a place where both parties can express their frustrations and help them understand each other. Great video!
@cramp4221
@cramp4221 11 күн бұрын
@theotherther1
@theotherther1 11 күн бұрын
My mom is a professional child psychiatrist, and as much as I know she does love me, she tends to describe my problems (mental and physical) in medical terms. She knew I wasn't a normal girl by the time I reached 6 weeks; babies usually begin making eye contact at that age and I didn't start doing that. And by the time I was 7 years old I was taken to another pediatrician who diagnosed me with autism (it's illegal for mothers to do this to their own children, but she saw the signs). I grew up in the 90s, where it was rare to dx children that young, and extremely rare for them to be female. This has led to one hell of a complicated mother-daughter relationship.
@ThatWeirdFinn
@ThatWeirdFinn 9 күн бұрын
I hate this "let's see how much worse off people in the projects are, and after that we'll talk". 🤯 You cannot have a bad time, since someone else is having a worse time. 😭😭😭💔
@StormSought
@StormSought 5 күн бұрын
Plus, I'll say, classiest, and implicitly racist. Being poor is traumatic, but that doesn't mean all poor parents abuse their children. Maybe their childhood is psychologically better.
@moonlightauras1
@moonlightauras1 10 күн бұрын
My mother died a few years ago, and I talk shit about her all the time. She did a lot of things that hurt me, but she also did a lot of things that made me laugh harder than anyone; she was hilarious. When she was alive we made fun of each other, we fought, we went on adventures, and we said some of the worst things to each other imaginable. I loved my mother and she loved me, but we didn't CHOOSE each other, we inherited one another. My relationship with her didn't end after she died, it just changed tremendously and in ways I didn't expect.
@SolCareMimi
@SolCareMimi 3 күн бұрын
This all resonated but “we didn't choose each other, we inherited each other” is smthg. I usually don’t get lost for words.
@ayior
@ayior Күн бұрын
Agreed with @SolCareMimi Also the other day at work we were shittalking our parents with our coworkers and one of them, father of a toddler said "...and in 30 years my son will be sitting in some workplace and trash talkig me all the same probably"
@user-ft3pj1nr6c
@user-ft3pj1nr6c 11 күн бұрын
40:11 I can’t get the timestamp right, but a few seconds before this he unintentionally gives the justification tied to the emotion behind some parental abuse. Parents see their kids have what they didn’t, they think their kids don’t appreciate it and they get angry. Translation: parents resent their children for having better childhoods than they did and they only know how to process that resentment via violence
@LilShopofAli
@LilShopofAli 10 күн бұрын
Yes, and also him saying that kids in abusive homes should learn to understand why they're being abused and "check themselves." So, sickening but really makes you wonder what he went through at home
@Neku628
@Neku628 10 күн бұрын
I'll give you a better one. Some parents resent their kids because they assume that their own kids have a better childhood than they did growing up.
@user-ft3pj1nr6c
@user-ft3pj1nr6c 10 күн бұрын
@ this is very very real to me! A parent who experienced housing instability as a child may view housing stability as the cornerstone of a better life - but there are quite literally hundreds or thousands of other factors and choices that impact children. I also was thinking this morning about this topic and came to wonder “do abusive parents who use this excuse think they WOULDNT abuse their children if (using the housing example) their child also suffered from housing insecurity?” It seems the excuse itself opens the question for alternative realities where the excuse doesn’t exist but the behavior still does
@alyonaf1054
@alyonaf1054 10 күн бұрын
It may be even less deep and more situational. But not less disgusting for that. Like, the fact your child spilled the last milk is YOUR fault and YOUR responsibility. You are an adult, your job is to provide and watch your children - and especially watch them if you fail to provide and you know it's the last milk. Well, they unleash that anger, frustratuon and dissapointment in themselves... on their unsuspecting child. Like any of it is the child's fault in the slightest. Starting from having a child and then failing to have enough milk and food by choosing to buy a pack of beer, cigarettes and not going to work on foot or bus instead of a car... all that knowing they can only afford so much milk. Some people know all that and still punish the children for their own choices and failures, some are so far gone they genuinely feel all that is the child's fault. I just want to know if they slap themselves when they spill or drop something. Do they shout at and spank themselves for failing to provide enough milk?.. Well, we all know the answer. They always "did their best". It's the child who spoiled everything, apparently.:)
@Neku628
@Neku628 10 күн бұрын
@@user-ft3pj1nr6c I was lucky to be living in the city where there are buses, but had I been like my mom, I would have to drive everywhere in my car because the neighboring city pretty much might as well not even have a bus transportation system. I do remember my mom saying that she got a green mini-van to escape my stepdad's abuse. I think she would take us (my sister and I) with her, it never happened. Well, if it did, it was only for a few days. I remember that she said she couldn't leave my stepdad for the sixteen years that they were married was because my stepdad was at least providing an income to keep her and us girls out of the homeless shelter. My stepdad suffers from generalized anxiety and he was always not able to hold down a job, which he got lambasted left, right and center by my mom about.
@Jessica-pt7sn
@Jessica-pt7sn 10 күн бұрын
I really appreciate that you put a good dose of accountability on mothers. We can all understand how fucking difficult it is, we can understand how society sets women up to be wives and mothers and then to fail in these roles and burden a great deal of the labour of parenthood alone. BUT mothers are still responsible for how the weight of all of this plays out in their parenting. Kids suffer and that fucking sucks and moms don't get a free pass for all the suffering they cause just because it's hard. A lot of women may not understand the full scope of what they are signing up for when they have a kid, just because they romanticise the idea of motherhood, but when the harsh reality sets in, they still have a duty to their child and hey, sure, no-one can be a perfect parent overnight but to go your lifetime just shrugging your shoulders and saying "I did my best"... I truly find it unethical. I was a parentified kid to an emotionally immature mother and it deeply impacted my childhood. I have unpacked and addressed it in therapy, enough to now assert boundaries to have a pleasant relationship with her today as an adult (living in a different country helps a lot) but i'm 29 and firm on the choice to be childfree. Taking care of ME in this world is hard and I don't have it in me to be the parent I would want to be.
@KamW-w7l
@KamW-w7l 11 күн бұрын
If anyone ever tells me “you’re becoming like your mother” I might actually have an aneurysm
@oc2538
@oc2538 10 күн бұрын
Well it does happen if you have kids, you can try to reparent yourself and do things differently but you will notice it even if nobody tells you to your face
@jessicacharlton7347
@jessicacharlton7347 10 күн бұрын
It's almost like children aren't seen as full people.
@maggiephilson1667
@maggiephilson1667 9 күн бұрын
Yep sadly. 😔
@karaa7595
@karaa7595 5 күн бұрын
Bingo
@KrisRN23935
@KrisRN23935 3 күн бұрын
My mom literally knew a guy that believed children weren't people until after age 12... I was just surprised by how common that mindset actually is. At least that guy was self-aware, I guess...
@jessicacharlton7347
@jessicacharlton7347 2 күн бұрын
@@KrisRN23935 I hope he never had any children.
@Chemnerdy
@Chemnerdy 11 күн бұрын
There's no better metaphor for my relationship with my mom than my mother siding with Lady Birds mom, and me siding with Lady Bird
@TheCakeIsALie-1
@TheCakeIsALie-1 10 күн бұрын
I think this relates to a video I recently watched about consent, but women often "consent" to things that we don't actually want in our heart if hearts because we are conditioned to put the needs and wants of others above our own needs. A woman may "want" to be a SAHM, but only because she never really considered it a possibility to do otherwise. She wants to be a SAHM because thats what it takes to be a "good mother" and by extension a "good person". She "wants" to be a SAHM because that's what's best for her family, and she's the one who has to make that sacrifice because she gets paid less, her husband would be unwilling, because she'd be the "better fit", etc. Again, she ought to make that sacrifice for her family to be a "good mother" and by extension a "good person". We don't really have the choice to be SAHMs without the undo influence of Patriarchy.
@TheCakeIsALie-1
@TheCakeIsALie-1 10 күн бұрын
An aside, birth is likely painful for the newborn infant too. I can't imagine it wouldn't be. And they actually contribute to their births believe it or not. They work hard to be born. They're not exactly passive participants.
@carolitoffana
@carolitoffana 9 күн бұрын
Yes, someone said in Desperate Housewives "if you fail as a mother you failed as a woman" because she chose to let her kid be raised by the dad
@lana-jg4ho
@lana-jg4ho 9 күн бұрын
@@TheCakeIsALie-1 ok???
@hurricaneofcats
@hurricaneofcats 2 күн бұрын
I do think this is something that Nightbitch might have been trying to get at. Even though Mother's circumstances aren't directly imposed by her husband the choice to be a SAHM is still a cage she's forced into by society. One she chose but also feels trapped in because of the expectations placed on mothers. It's also very possible that her strange reactions are also the result of post-partum depression or pregnancy wreaking havoc with her emotions. Motherhood is hard for most women and it shouldn't be a competition about who has it harder. But I also agree with the overall message of this essay that valorizing motherhood has its own toxic implications
@pushingggdaisies
@pushingggdaisies 5 күн бұрын
The thing about motherhood for me is that isn’t not a job where you clock in and get to clock out. Especially in the younger years. You don’t have ANY time to yourself. You put your all into your kids and making sure they learn basic things that you already know how to do. It makes you really slow down and put someone else’s needs before your own. Always. It’s a really hard life change. You don’t get paid for it, you don’t feel appreciated for it. It’s not like a small thing either. It’s literally all your time and energy going towards someone else’s needs before your own. Didn’t shower today? Try again tomorrow. Trying to multitask and god forbid you forget the milk or diapers one time because you’re running on barely any food cause you don’t have time to eat, or barely get to sleep because your baby only stays down for a couple hours at a time. All while feeling the pressure to bounce back and look good for your partner. You’re cleaning poop and throw up and it’s hard to feel good about yourself and it’s all so much. Especially if you don’t have support. Motherhood gets easier in time, but man it was a big adjustment for me and just hearing a “Your doing a good job” every now and then really helps. I almost burst into tears anytime someone says that to me. Being a mom is one of the hardest things I’ve ever done. Then there’s the pressure to parent certain ways. If you formula feed it’s wrong, if you give kids screen time it’s wrong, if you do anything that helps you make up for the lack of support then you’re shamed for it. It’s exhausting. You can’t win. I applaud single parents and parents who have multiple children. I am definitely a one and done. I love my girl more than anything but I wouldn’t recommend it for anyone that hasn’t been around babies and seen other mothers in a long ass time.
@TheSim1derful
@TheSim1derful 2 күн бұрын
Also, I am SO glad you talked about the toxic behaviour of the mom in Ladybird. When it came out I instantly clocked the mom as abusive - regardless of the fact that you understand why she became that way - and was fighting for my life against my friends and family who also saw the movie and blamed Ladybird for EVERYTHING. Despite the fact that she is the only one who ever made ANY concessions to mend their relationship - concessions she should never have had to make as the CHILD in the house. The most baffling part was that the strongest defenders of the mom were people in my life with toxic and/or abusive mothers. It really reinforced the central thesis of your video SO strongly. I grew up with a loving, supportive mom who worked her ass off to not transfer the abuse she suffered at the hands of her mom onto me and my siblings. So I have even less time for these abusive dynamics that society defends over and over again just because they come from mothers.
@maggiephilson1667
@maggiephilson1667 9 күн бұрын
Thank you for making this video. It was honestly hard to watch at a lot of points because of how relatable it was as a kid that dealt with emotional and verbal abuse and angering hearing that guy on the podcast basically telling abused kids to get over it because your parents have their reasons for abusing you. But anyways you brought up so many good and interesting points about both the mother and daughter relationship, how hard it is being a mother, abuse of kids and how kids aren’t really seen as people. We need to have more discussions like this. This video was amazing! 👏🏻
@Darkthestral1
@Darkthestral1 10 күн бұрын
God, so many people have/had horrible parents. Of the people I've known well enough to have some knowledge of their parents, about 3 of them don't have parents, I would consider abusive. My parents are wonderful, not perfect, but they did their best to keep their baggage from affecting us, support us, and love us unconditionally. Seriously, what people let parents get away with is horrific. So many adults are just mean to their kids. So many people do not deserve children
@TheSim1derful
@TheSim1derful 2 күн бұрын
I'm exactly the same. And I find because my parents are so wonderful, it is even more wild to me how my friends' and other family members' parents have treated them. And what's even worse is how EVERYONE brushes it off and justifies is like it's just a normal part of life. I am living proof that it isn't! I feel insane sometimes.
@PinkFlysHi
@PinkFlysHi 6 күн бұрын
its taken me a long time to unlearn a lot of the negative impact my mom had on me. still working on it, and often cry when I see people with great relationships with their moms because I know I could never have that. and they don’t understand because it wasn’t physical and I wasn’t necessarily neglected, but emotionally I was alone and I felt like a burden to my mom and felt as though she resented me. it didn’t help that she would constantly tell me how kids ruin your life and stop everything. I wasn’t even her first kid but I’m her only daughter and I got much different treatment than my brothers. I grew up so anxious and fearful of doing and saying the wrong thing and looking the wrong way because of her. I love her but our mother-daughter relationship is shallow at best.
@flipphone4755
@flipphone4755 10 күн бұрын
“…very, very boring.” That’s the theme of sah motherhood. I disappeared when I became one. The key is, you cannot let the kids know you’re miserable. They didn’t ask to be here. In a couple years my children will be out on their own and I’m looking forward to becoming a real person again.
@Msfracture
@Msfracture 8 күн бұрын
Congrats on being a horrible mother and person. Mothers are real people, as are your children, grow up.
@theduchessofmuffins6889
@theduchessofmuffins6889 10 күн бұрын
2:29 I know I just started but everything I hear about the movie adaptation of the book Nightbitch really disappoints me. The book is so much more interesting and what is confusing in the film makes more sense in the book because of the introspective nature of the writing. I urge everyone to read the book not just judge the movie, it’s genuinely a wonderful novel.
@katiegoslin427
@katiegoslin427 11 күн бұрын
I haven't seen Nightbitch - my defense of the the mother's behavior is that I imagine it's commenting on how isolating and world changing parenthood is. Even when it's what you chose and want(ed). The reality of how hard and draining it is is more than you can even begin to imagine before you're in it. Again, I still need to watch it, but I'm hoping it's more nuanced than just motherhood is terrible. I hope it's a commentary on how it's a both- you can hate the monotony of this life you chose and long for the old version of yourself, while still loving your kid and being a parent. People often don't want to hear about how much it sucks (/super market fantasy, I imagine). So you plaster on a smile and just tell them it's great. Again, will need to watch. Appreciate your introduction to it!
@LilShopofAli
@LilShopofAli 11 күн бұрын
Absolutely! I don’t disagree. I think what you said at the end of your comment is what Tully accomplishes much better. Nightbitch definitely seemed to be touching on that but the reason it makes more sense in Tully, at least to me, is because her husband is almost completely checked out. I forgot to go into more detail about this in the video, but in Nightbitch, her and her husband seem to have a fine marriage. They have good communication, he spends time with her, they have sex, and while he has some faults, I don’t think he would’ve had a problem with renegotiating their arrangement. I guess what I’m saying is that in Tully, you get a stronger sense of her slowly losing touch with reality. Like you feel how exhausted she is and how lonely she is and how her husband has literally no idea. In Tully, the husband does not spend time with her at all, they don’t have sex, and you can tell Marlo doesn’t want to complain because she appreciates how hard he works (not that I agree with that). I do think the movie lets him off the hook a little but it does at least end with him getting a huge wake up call.
@user-ft3pj1nr6c
@user-ft3pj1nr6c 11 күн бұрын
@@LilShopofAliI think the thing is, you can have a really wonderful secure life and regret what you’ve chosen to sacrifice for parenting. It might make it even harder to accept or talk about, when society expects moms to appreciate the opportunity to stay home and there’s no external reason not to. I think it’s okay or maybe good to have a mother character who has the right set of circumstances to facilitate a happy stay at home life and still hates it. I think it’s realistic to have that character be unwilling to talk about it. It’s also realistic to have a desperate spouse apologize for something that wasn’t their fault if they see that a change has been positive - sometimes an apology for one idea can reinforce approval of the other option. I also think that these narratives often unintentionally reinforce the children as situations or events instead of actual humans whose development will be influenced by whatever chaos the narrative drags the mother through
@aiba6540
@aiba6540 11 күн бұрын
I also want to comment that although she chose to be a stay at home mom something that people without children, including myself don’t understand. Is things change being home with a child is miserable. That’s why I choose not to have kids. Her husband not being around and not actively trying to find a solution is also a huge problem .
@violetreichert6470
@violetreichert6470 10 күн бұрын
@@LilShopofAli nightbitch does not at all try to make her husband seem like a bad husband, it’s that he’s overly pragmatic, which is why you’re sympathizing with him like you did in the video, because you’re viewing her issues with the same energy as him. She wanted to be a stay at home mom, he agreed to it as well. She’s upset that he didn’t try to convince her that she IS still an artist. This is not her friend or coworker, this is her husband. He absolutely should’ve understood how integral that was to her personality, especially when women aren’t exactly considering themselves when their children are small, it is a responsibility of the father to ground the mother. They did need a separation because it allowed the husband to understand how she felt and she needed time to reconnect with her art. You’re not grasping that “good marriage” isn’t just having sex and having pleasant conversations, it’s respecting the person you married and their passions and their personhood, which he was not.
@KireiC
@KireiC 7 күн бұрын
​@@aiba6540 100%! I'm a parent, though not the stay-at-home parent in our household, but the grind of childcare and housework, the mental energy of making sure things are all taken care of is so different when it's you + a child vs you alone or with an adult partner. And yes! Just from these clips, the husband is at least present, but he doesn't appear to try to help when it seems like his wife is struggling (this probably has to happen for the plot to advance as it does, but still). It seems natural that a partner as relatively engaged as the husband seems to be would at the least engage with their troubled partner in conversation, try to arrange time for their partner's self care, etc. It doesn't have to be babysitting and part time jobs and solutions with price tags.
@koujakukoujaku455
@koujakukoujaku455 10 күн бұрын
Thank you so much for this video essay. Like, I can't even begin to describe how validating it is to hear someone talk about the toxicity that can exist within mother-daughter relationships and how much of it goes ignored by society. I especially appreciate your criticism of Lady Bird. I've hated that movie (and even more-so the way people talk about it) since it came out. It was like watching my own life being played back to me on screen, it was genuinely so painful. Honestly, one of the most difficult and frustrating parts of being raised by a mother like that is when no one believes you. As a teen I was constantly crying out for help and even straight up told teachers or parent's friends how my mother treated me and every single time they'd tell me "No, she wouldn't do that. I can't imagine her doing that." and it made me feel so horrible and isolated. It wasn't until I became an adult and started going to a support center that I met someone who actually believed me and even related to my experience and I cried so hard. I know we've still got a long way to go to getting more people to actually start recognizing emotional abuse as the actual and serious abuse it is (especially from parents), but I'm so glad that it's at least starting. I really hope that more people will speak up about the harm that toxic parents cause. I hope that we can one day get to a point in the world where more people understand the weight of their words and actions. That one day we'll stop viewing children as "things" owned by their parents, and instead as the mini-people they are. Anyway, thank you again for this very raw and accurate look into how abuse from mothers is normalized in media. It was very well explained and I only cried a couple times! :')
@breannajefferson912
@breannajefferson912 11 күн бұрын
I'm 26 and get the same reaction about having no kids. They always encourage me to start soon!
@LilShopofAli
@LilShopofAli 11 күн бұрын
Yes! It’s so weird. But of the few young people I have worked with, almost all of them had kids already. One girl who was like 23 already had 3. So it is more normalized where I live to have kids really young, but it’s still weird to be encouraging anyone to have kids in this economy. lol
@Googiechim
@Googiechim 10 күн бұрын
I’m about to be 35 and get this reaction CONSTANTLY
@juliannehannes11
@juliannehannes11 10 күн бұрын
This is not 1986, houses are no longer under $100k, nowadays most women and couples cannot afford to have a baby til their 30s if lucky. Only mormons have kids in their 20s and only because they are finantially supported by their in laws. Always remember, babies are not milestones, they are not rites of passage and they will require 24/7 hands on care that controls your entire life. If you ever want to feel good about being childless watch We Need To Talk About Kevin
@justineetzkorn9594
@justineetzkorn9594 9 күн бұрын
THANK YOU SO MUCH FOR THIS VIDEO! I'm so tired of the relentless media narrative that you *have* to forgive your monstrous parents, or you're the monster. It's so toxic. Here from Ophie's comments section, incidentally.
@tegantalks9612
@tegantalks9612 7 күн бұрын
One of the things that really annoyed me about being pregnant was how dismissive people were of me when I complained about anything. I heard the phrase, “you’re not the only woman who has ever been pregnant” so many times from my dad when my house wasn’t clean or I was complaining about being tired.
@beardpandaa
@beardpandaa 10 күн бұрын
My parents' dynamic was flipped because my dad chose to be a stay at home dad and my mom chose to be the business lady. My mom did the "being passive to the other parent's abuse" thing. My mom didn't talk about me ruining her body but she did talk about me complaining about my dad's abuse like I was ungrateful. I had to do all the work to repair and maintain the relationship tho. But fr there was a period in my life when I really only felt like my dad was my parent because she was so absent unless it was time to have fun on the weekends. Realizing my dad was my mom 😅 and all your mommy issues are my daddy issues
@eatatjoe
@eatatjoe 9 күн бұрын
This hits hard for me and my boyfriend (who is Jewish, his dad was a violent deadbeat) who had to do *everything* for his mom - it took me a long time to not only get him to stop caving into what she wanted him to do, but recognize that his mom put him down emotionally in the first place.
@lana-jg4ho
@lana-jg4ho 9 күн бұрын
what does him being jewish have to do with anything lmfao
@banjosandclementines
@banjosandclementines 8 күн бұрын
I hate when people arguing against a situation of abuse against a kid do the well did you have food did you have a house. First of all that’s not indicative of abuse if your mom or dad can’t feed you consistently because of poverty even though they are trying that’s not abuse. And that’s the thing if someone has the ability to pay for the bare essentials physical needs of a kid, with little to no financial strain that’s where you don’t get to use that as a guilt or a “well they provided for you” especially if they chose to have that kid
@banjosandclementines
@banjosandclementines 8 күн бұрын
Also the they have everything thing like, that’s a tactic of parental abuse isn’t gift giving in place of an apology or to get forgiveness
@WasteOfGoodTalent
@WasteOfGoodTalent 7 күн бұрын
Goddamn I love it when you post!!! Thanks for tackling this topic. I grew up with a mother who is an addict and very abusive/neglectful. I have compassion for her, but simply can't have contact with her. When I do respectfully disclose (when it's relevant) to folks I don't have a relationship with her, it is grating how many people will go into the whole "you should have a relationship with your mom it isn't natural not to" lecture. And I think it's usually because either... A) that person had a (relatively) good mom and can't comprehend that bad mothers exist (and by bad i mean for example, mom's like mine who enjoyed inflicting abuse and were mentally ill and refusing treatment) B) they themselves had a traumatizing mother and they cope by denial in some level/form and are projecting that onto me to validate their own perspective B)
@WasteOfGoodTalent
@WasteOfGoodTalent 7 күн бұрын
B) Ignore that extra one 🤣🤣 anyways, loved this video! Thanks again. Can't wait to check out Tully!
@jahajahai6204
@jahajahai6204 10 күн бұрын
I am heavily dealing with accepting how harmful my mother's impact was.
@skyhighlazarus
@skyhighlazarus 10 күн бұрын
Me too
@shai2121
@shai2121 5 күн бұрын
I was waiting and waiting for someone to make a video just like this, and I'm so grateful that you put so much work and thought into your approach to this topic. I remember when I watched Lady Bird and was just stunned at the level of disregard shown toward Lady Bird by her mom and how she was constantly shamed, ignored and treated as a burden just for being a normal kid and having emotional responses that were a little self centered (which, again, normal kid, they are still working on empathy and balancing their own needs with other people's). The idea that Lady Bird was wrong to be angry and hate how she was treated by her mom, or was being "ungrateful" just because she wanted to be loved and accepted as herself, actually made me sick to my stomach and I couldn't believe how often I was seeing that sentiment expressed. Imagine that same story but if it was a queer kid not accepted, or only shallowly "accepted," by their parent, they were depicted as ungrateful and bad for wanting true acceptance, and they had a narrative about learning to empathize with their parent's bigoted feelings and refusal to truly see them and just be thankful for whatever little scraps of love they did get. Suddenly it's incredibly obvious just how fucked up and insane that is, but it's essentially the same situation. A parent treating a child like they are unwanted, unlovable or cause problems just by being themselves causes intense, self-shattering levels of trauma that can take a LIFETIME of work to undo. People truly don't believe children deserve anything at all, certainly not genuine love or respect, unless they can be used as a political prop to oppress people who are just minding their own business. Lady Bird didn't owe her mom a damn thing and personally I think she should've gone no contact. If you regularly treat your kid like shit when they didn't ask to be born, and you refuse to make a space in your heart for the person they truly are, there's zero reason for them to choose to be around you ever again.
@katemichael4002
@katemichael4002 10 күн бұрын
Just because she chose to be a SAHM, doesn’t mean she doesn’t get to regret that choice. Her husband has no reason to become incompetent with things like watching for what is in the fridge or grabbing a towel before bath time starts. As a mom, you often lose yourself because a lot of people (sometimes even yourself) relegate you to just being mom. Most presents have something to do with you being a mom. Dads still get asked about hobbies and work. Moms pretty much get asked about kids. The movie comes in later in the journey. I guarantee she did tell him her feelings in the beginning or could be dealing with untreated PPD. I feel like your take just wants to just pick at the mom without really thinking about the irony of the fact that even the character is relegated to just mother, not a person
@nancybevan104
@nancybevan104 10 күн бұрын
Yes, and not to mention the inherent guilt that a lot of modern moms grapple with. Sure, this mom was privileged to be given a choice to stay at home - many of us (both single and partnered mothers), including myself, are not given this choice, and perhaps this film chooses to ignore this aspect. But that's where the guilt comes into play - if I return to work instead of staying at home, am I choosing my own needs over my child's? This father has already proved himself to be incompetent at a lot of basic tasks, and I would feel immense guilt for leaving my child at home daily in the hands of a man who refuses to grow up and figure shit out. And it's NOT a wife's or a woman's responsibility to show him how, either. You think women are born knowing exactly how to care for an infant? I don't think this movie is a perfect representation of a mom's struggles, but I don't think this take is incredibly fair, either. So she refers to herself as a god. So what? Sometimes you have such a trying day in a wageless and unappreciated position in which you may be blamed in the future for your child's entire possibly terrrible personality that you need to call yourself a god to avoid coping in absolutely awful ways.
@ajiahgilbert9773
@ajiahgilbert9773 10 күн бұрын
Ok thank you, I'm not done with the video nor am I a mom, but it felt like the creator is ignoring how hard it can be to lose yourself to being a mother. I try so hard to see women with children as more than just mother's and I still get caught in asking about only the baby or centering children in the conversation despite the fact that I'm not even a mom myself. Choosing to be a SAHM does not mean the husband gets to not be a parent as well. Being a SAHM means being at work 24/7 with no break, and men often come home and want to relax from a long day at work while ignoring that mom's literally get no time to relax and stop being a mom. There's a lack of empathy in the analysis of this movie. Hoping it comes in eventually
@ellarah8783
@ellarah8783 9 күн бұрын
I agree so much with this comment. I also think that this can apply to child-free women too, whether by choice or not. I can't tell you how many times I've been asked in my lifetime when I'm going to have children, how many I want, why I don't have any, if I want any. My husband on the other hand is NEVER asked this question. These questions are infuriating because I am so much more than a baby-making machine. And I think the same thing goes for mothers as well. Just because a woman has a child, whether she wanted to or not (the "or not" is still relevant which is the scariest reality of all), does not mean that she is now "just a mother". She is a person with ambitions, ideas, interests, etc. Women are so easily reduced to simply a machine, both by men and other women. :(
@LilShopofAli
@LilShopofAli 9 күн бұрын
I never said she couldn’t. But parts of the movie are so underwritten that they don’t explain why she wasn’t able to voice her frustrations to her husband. I don’t think it’s wrong to change your mind, but every time she would almost say something she would immediately go back to “but I wanna stay home with him.” Yes the husband is incompetent I was never letting him off the hook for that. But he wasn’t wrong about her being passive aggressive. It didn’t appear that they had any communication issues or that her husband wasn’t interested in her anymore. They seemed to have a decent marriage outside of him working constantly. Even that scene where she hit him and tells him to do something about their son, he confronted her about it the next morning. He isn’t harboring resentment like she is. If they’d cut out that stupid fight and just had her tell him they need to renegotiate their arrangement, which I don’t think he would’ve had a problem with, then the eat of the movie could’ve been about her finding herself again and getting back into art. My overall problem is the movie just isn’t written well in my opinion. Tully does a better job with what Nightbitch was trying to say. Also I was never reducing her to just a mother lol. I think you just misconstrued my point.
@LilShopofAli
@LilShopofAli 9 күн бұрын
lol these comments are funny because they’re stating the very thing I was critiquing. And y’all are also misconstruing everything I said because how dare someone criticize moms?
@Mod2Amaryllis
@Mod2Amaryllis 7 күн бұрын
i adore my mom and as a 31 year old about to give birth to my first kid, i truly think she was an amazing parent. i can't wait for her support as a grandma. but crucially, i've gone through the journey of humanizing her. we hit a crazy low in our relationship when i was a teenager, and now after years of therapy and growth and repairing the relationship, i can still acknowledge that SHE inflicted that hurt. she was the adult, and i was just a teenager. i really love the acknowledgement in this essay with Ladybird and general teen-girl media that we as a society hate teen girls. becoming healthy and happy has meant being gentle with my teenage self, justifying her, holding her close, respecting the things that still make her angry. humanizing her and my mother, and thereby becoming human myself. not a god, not a bitch, just a person.
@ingridc0ld
@ingridc0ld 9 күн бұрын
Damn, this makes me appreciate my dad so much. Despite him being more passive than my mom, he still made sure to take my side when necessary and always made sure I was ok after fights.
@aniekanakai
@aniekanakai Күн бұрын
1:01:00 yes teens are usually horrible, and the point of parenting is letting them know them know when they are being horrible and how to be better. The shitty adults we see are those that were never told they're not being good people.
@arino274
@arino274 3 күн бұрын
This was a fantastic video; I really appreciated all of the nuance and comparisons made throughout. I recently binge watched ‘Little Fires Everywhere’ again and it just deeply frustrated me how deeply problematic Elena and Mia were. My own mother was not perfect by any means (among many other things/events, I specifically remember being 12 or 13 and being told “what do you have to be sad about?” when I was having a really low day and as a young adult, being told attending a community college was a “Mickey Mouse school” compared to going to university). Then I think of partner’s mother who is a real piece of work that abused all of her children (took actions that put said children in and out of the foster care system, put said children into sexually abusive situations, and more horrible situations) and refuses to take accountability for any of that and loves to use the phrase “brought you into this world, can take you out / I’m the adult, don’t f*ck with me”; my partner and siblings (likely due to the cycle of abuse) forego any of that and refuse to hold her accountable and instead, take it upon themselves to maintain whatever farce of a happy family it is. There is so much to the concept of what it means to be a parent (let alone a mother) and the dynamics with children; all I know (as someone who does not foresee having children other than my cat) is that simple phrase is true: all children deserve parents (who are caring, empathetic, patient, and kind), but not all parents deserve children.
@kolonarulez5222
@kolonarulez5222 10 күн бұрын
I rarely do this but after that first scene in Night Bitch I immediately turned it off. I felt like had this been made sooner it would have been Amy Schumer
@leo_manta5235
@leo_manta5235 10 күн бұрын
I'm recently estranged from my mother so this really hits home for me. You did amazing work on this video and can't wait for the next one!
@sweariefaerie9621
@sweariefaerie9621 10 күн бұрын
39:08 Wow, the parents fulfilled their legal obligations? They must be saints! 🙄
@princewith1000friends
@princewith1000friends 6 күн бұрын
Tbh... I would be proud if someone told me I'm getting more like either of my parents. But I never doubted for a second that my parents loved me, and I never had to prove anything to them for me to be loved.
@poppystardust99
@poppystardust99 9 күн бұрын
I haven't seen the film but i read the book it's based on recently and a lot of the themes of body horror, depersonalization, motherhood and gender are explored quite well. It seems like these haven't translated well inro the film, like Amy Adams is NOT who i imagine the mother to be at all.
@Freddy3Jersem
@Freddy3Jersem 12 күн бұрын
38 min in, Im in awe with your discussion. So many relatable pieces, and so much insight.
@mikaylaholland5536
@mikaylaholland5536 7 күн бұрын
Phew, I didn’t realize what an emotional ride I was in for with this one 😂 so much good stuff, but thank you for this perspective on Ladybird. The ending really ruined the whole thing for me because I was just so frustrated that it felt like Ladybird reaching back out to her mom was a “happy ending.” Her mom did not deserve that.
@necronomiclown53
@necronomiclown53 9 күн бұрын
incredible video. as a (former) daughter with a mother who had been physically abused and neglected, i always felt guilt that i was suffering under her care even though my life was so much "easier". i regret that her past made her unable to have a real emotional bond with me. i had to cut contact when she refused to accept my transition or denounce her transphobia at all. thank you for making this
@aquarterpast
@aquarterpast 6 күн бұрын
My mom was terrible when I was a child and a teen. She only sought help when I went to college, but I remember feeling so happy she did because I still had (much) younger siblings. My mom isn’t perfect now, but she’s good. As a part of that goodness she recognizes she was terrible. It doesn’t make the past better, but it makes the now good. In this way, I’m lucky in my misfortune.
@Urushi12kitty
@Urushi12kitty 9 күн бұрын
i was born in the early 90s...I am auDHD but because i got good grades and because my family was more focused on my physical disability plus not having a lot of money i fell through the cracks and never got officially dxed until i was an adult...hell i only got dxed with major depression because of an unaliving attempt as a teen. As for my mom...its weird. I was adopted and raised by my Grandmother and while I'm sure she tried her best...she was born in the 40s so she was very...old school. I wasn't allowed to have boys toys as i was raised as a girl (I'm trans masc now), we argued a lot, she kept me on a tight leash and wouldn't let me go out a lot. If I wanted to see my friends and she said no i'd get no reason other then "I'm the parent and i said no." I wasn't allowed to pick out my own clothes/dress how I wanted until i was 16. I moved out when I was 19. She wasn't abusive but more...restrictive. She passed away 8years ago...I do love her but I can't help but feel hurt over how she raised me. Idk if I'll ever be a parent its a complicated, messy thing raising another human...but if i do, I'm going to try not to make the same mistakes...or new ones.
@babiegirl526
@babiegirl526 10 күн бұрын
very nice video... i was waiting for the sharp objects mention that show is art.. this makes me want to watch lady bird. its like younger people arent considered fully people like adults are beacause they havent lived long enough and its also like comparing stuff like "how can you be sad you dont have what i had you dont have responsibilites" but children can be upset about serious things but even if they are upset about smaller things like a toy it shouldnt still matter cause to the child its a serious thing. i watched man in the moon about a girl named dani in 1950s and she fell in love with the neighbour boy and she snuck out at night so her mum is pregnant and wakes up and falls looking for dani and almost loses the baby but the dad ggets home and gets mad at dani its her fault the mum fell and he whoops her but then later dani's the one whos apologizing and they make up
@lilisky7748
@lilisky7748 2 күн бұрын
This is somewhat related to the video, but I remember this one poll someone did on a popular morning talk show, and it was asking the audience if kids should be spanked or not. Well, majority voted, and then the news hosts totally went on their own tangent about how they spanked their kids from time to time, which was absolutely strange and such a odd thing to boast publicly. I remember one host said that she had used the spoon on her kid and she started "behaving real quick", which in my opinion is absolutely disgusting. And they were just laughing about it like it was some normal everyday thing? Absolutely strange.
@Mallowolf
@Mallowolf 10 күн бұрын
I’m so disappointed that *that’s* what NIGHTBITCH is actually about ):
@runninggeese
@runninggeese 10 күн бұрын
got halfway through the video before i realized how criminally underrated your channel is, subscribing and hope to see more in the future
@ishtar6098
@ishtar6098 2 күн бұрын
Legitimately incredible video. Very thoughtful, honest, and well researched. Immediately subscribed ❤
@chilljelloton2089
@chilljelloton2089 9 күн бұрын
as a trans man with a abusive mom who most certainly didnt want me the bit about moms who never wanted a daughter is pretty funny. she was awful to me but it had more to do with me looking like her, i think she took my transition personally since she began to obsess over it as soon as i came out despite me not having talked to her since she abandoned me. literally abandoned me-moved away and changed her number without letting anyone know. somehow she thinks she knows a complete strangers gender just because that literal stranger came out of her and she proceeded to treat said child awfully before removing herself entirely. she barely knows anything about me that is factual aside for the bare minimum that a mother would know. i wouldnt be able to recognize her if i passed her on the street and i know she wouldnt me because i dont post selfies on public social media. sorry for slightly derailing that jumping off point but it makes it really funny to me because my mother specifically didnt want me because of how i looked, my gender if anything was a requirement for her to the best of my memory-and that requirement was failed.
@BlancheNeigefan
@BlancheNeigefan 7 күн бұрын
This is awful, but it must feel pretty validating to see her be so blatantly hypocritical.
@chelseaardenparker
@chelseaardenparker 3 күн бұрын
1:29:06 i believe you meant Authoritarian parenting. Authoritative is different. The four styles are Neglectful, Permissive, Authoritarian, and Authoritative. Authoritative parenting enacts high expectations, but meeting the kid where theyre at. Encouraging independance, but being a reliable person to ask for help. Open communication, maintaining consequences that make sense with the behavior. Authoritarian is parent driven, with strict punishment. Parent of two kiddos. This is a fantastic video. ❤️
@LilShopofAli
@LilShopofAli Күн бұрын
Thanks for correcting that. My mistake
@LilShopofAli
@LilShopofAli 12 күн бұрын
Sorry about the fan noise, it wasn't actually a fan, it was my heat blowing and my desk is right next to one of my vents lol. Smart on my part. Also, there's some weird editing I had to do to get rid of the copyright claim, but the unedited version is on my Patreon. Edit: Also, not sure what's up with the flickering. I swear every me I make a video there's some dumb editing glitch I didn't notice. Oh well, I guess.....
@RachelIrene
@RachelIrene 10 күн бұрын
So grateful for this video as an antidote to mother forums online; the idea that a mother should feel guilt instead of being absolved because she was pregnant and “a god” is almost radical in parenting circles right now.
@averychak
@averychak 7 күн бұрын
This was such a great video! I started working with high school students in the last few years. At that age, I felt like I was a peer to the adults around me, but was also expected to always be the bigger person in a conflict with my parents. The unfairness of that has really struck me, and in this video you looked at this issue through so many interesting lenses. Ive subscribed and I'm so excited to watch your back catalogue now!
@shaun7449
@shaun7449 11 күн бұрын
This account deserves better from the algorithm.
@userMIA709
@userMIA709 10 күн бұрын
This video was actually life changing. I’m a teenager and I’ve always felt inferior to my mother but at the same time I have to take one a lot of emotional responsibility to keep our relationship alive. I think mother-daughter relationships are deeply complicated and this video helped express thoughts I have had for a while but not been able to voice ❤️
@resonate72
@resonate72 8 күн бұрын
This essay really hit home for me. Thank you for making it.
@user-ft3pj1nr6c
@user-ft3pj1nr6c 11 күн бұрын
It’s freaky how much this relates to weaknesses I’ve been trying to overcome in my work in progress
@OcyTaviAh
@OcyTaviAh 9 күн бұрын
Love this video, 100% on board with everything you’re saying. I do think it’s interesting looking at the time when Mommie Dearest was published and it’s reception, and comparing it to I’m Glad My Mom Died when it was published and the reaction there (not to discount the social status of these individuals, but I do like to think that the time difference has made these discussions more easy to have, more accessible). Also the Nightbitch book, while still having problems, does a better job than the movie. Most of the Mothers problems come from her own inability to ask for help and the barriers she puts on herself, and there’s also a lot of really interesting metaphor work with the idea of primal stuff (it is still somewhat surface level, but would still recommend the read).
@Hannah-y2z
@Hannah-y2z 11 күн бұрын
this was a really good, so close to home. definitely going to read those sources,
@Freddy3Jersem
@Freddy3Jersem 12 күн бұрын
omg I‘m exited:)) Thank you for producing!! This looks like a lot of effort :3 Appreaciate your creation!!!
@needasec
@needasec 5 күн бұрын
Thank you for making me aware of this movie. I don’t think I would’ve watched it otherwise? I was down a minute and 30 seconds in. I think it’s pretty brilliant; satirical and melancholy and relatable… and I’m likely viewing it through a very different lens. I think if the dog is a metaphor for motherhood, then the husband’s hatred of the cat, even wanting to kill the freeloading little bastard, is pretty straightforward. And my interpretation of the milk-thing has more to do with her realizing that she is being relegated to the ‘mother role’ even in how her husband relates to her than it does with who “chose” what domestic chores before shit got real (baby happened). Her character is warm and nurturing and present with their son… I don’t know, I’m struggling to perceive it from another perspective, though I am considering your opinions as I watch, which is interesting.
@needasec
@needasec 5 күн бұрын
Also it is gross- ty for the warning!
@gabriellegibby3293
@gabriellegibby3293 4 күн бұрын
Wonderfully put together video. And very refreshing in the self censoring and 'reveiws that are pretty much just summaries' climate of the internet currently
@Mari-nn3kj
@Mari-nn3kj 10 күн бұрын
Really excellent essay, great work! I was blessed by the algorithm gods. Feeling extremely seen rn can't wait to dive into your other videos!
@ayeelaura
@ayeelaura 9 күн бұрын
Love the topic, love the delivery gonna dive through your other videos. I just bought the book Nightbitch the other day and I watched A Mothers Instinct and an essay on Narcissitic Mothers 😂so this is right on time. My mum passed a few years ago which im finding has brought a whole layer of anxiety to me that makes motherhood feel scary to face without her. Lots of thoughts but great work! New sub from North Ldn ❤
@jadamiller7485
@jadamiller7485 10 күн бұрын
I hated the mother in ladybird. I was watching with my dad, and I don't think he caught how bad the mother was.
@kagomekirari25
@kagomekirari25 8 күн бұрын
It's fascinating to hear that people sided with the mom when they saw Lady Bird- I watched it as a(n older) teen and could not find myself sympathizing with her over Lady Bird at all
@user-rl3lu8rt7r
@user-rl3lu8rt7r 11 күн бұрын
Need to watch miss Juneteenth and was sad when I didn’t find ur Barbie analysis video!
@LilShopofAli
@LilShopofAli 11 күн бұрын
I might cover it someday. I didn't necessarily hate it; I just wasn't impressed by the satire tbh.
@thrgost
@thrgost 9 күн бұрын
​@@LilShopofAli I think Barbie really did a disservice to the audience at the end with the long-winded monologue explaining the film. It wasn't exactly a conceptually scrutinising analysis or carefully-constructed political enigma underpinning the deeply entrenched and labyrinthine subtext waiting to be excavated by the most probative and perseverant, erudite and scholarly Sherlock. It was Barbie.
@annsh.6487
@annsh.6487 6 күн бұрын
No way, a Crazy Ex Girlfriend reference in 2025? Yoooooo. Would love to see more content abt it
@TheSim1derful
@TheSim1derful 2 күн бұрын
The book Nightbitch is also one-sided and didactic lmao. I don't understand why it got as big as it did.
@mamimelusine
@mamimelusine 7 күн бұрын
As someone hiding and pretending to be sleep right now instead of starting my day of working from home because my husband told me two and a half hours ago to sleep in because I was sick all night and he’d take the child to school and two and a half hours later they are still here and music and cartoons are blasting and bath water is running and I am so anxious about how late the child is for school I can’t really sleep and I know if I come out of the room I will end up having to help with the process of getting them out of the door, I cannot disagree more with your assessment that Mother was being too hard on Husband in Night Bitch. I didn’t think the movie was great, and there were some mixed messages and hanging threads but that scene where he said he’d give the child a bath and kept asking her to do stuff I felt deep in my soul. If he saw there wasn’t milk he should have went and got some milk instead of berating her about it. Even if she wasnt buying meat for her dog transformation mommy brain is real and we forget shit when we have to remember everything for everybody else. We may consent to certain labor arrangements early in a marriage or in a child’s life but that doesn’t mean we can’t get overwhelmed by all the mundane tiny responsibilities and mental labor later, especially the mental labor of having to stage direct men whenever they extend themselves to “help” you. Yet all the complicated tasks associated with their individual life and interests they can figure out and execute just fine. When a man is depressed or falling apart the whole household feels it. The fact that he didn’t argue when his clearly unstable wife clearly trying to convince herself she wasn’t miserable offered to give up even more of herself, the fact that the husbands in these films are able to blithely come and go while their partners, who are the main people responsible for these humans they half created completely implode is unfortunately a reflection of reality and a real problem.
@LilShopofAli
@LilShopofAli 7 күн бұрын
I'm pretty sure I did criticize him for the bath thing, and I did think it was stupid for him to bother her during her shower over some milk and acting like he wanted her to get out and go get some. I also criticized the husband for being incompetent. I just have different opinion on the movie than those of you who keep seeing the absolute worst in my take on the film. I'm allowed to feel how I feel about it, and so are you.
@MegaDiva1999
@MegaDiva1999 8 күн бұрын
Grieving my late 😢😢 mother has been complex because im still so angry at her narcissistic parenting , her divisiveness and regular cruelty
@TarableTalks
@TarableTalks 11 күн бұрын
Nightbitch was such a good book (though it has a bad case of Iowa Writers' Workshop writing style). Love Amy Adams but the movie did not do it justice. At all. One of the worst adaptions I've seen in a long time.
@LilShopofAli
@LilShopofAli 11 күн бұрын
Yeah I wondered how different the book is. I thought about reading it for the video but I didn’t have time to fit it in. Glad to know it’s better though if I do decide to read it later.
@Weareusernames
@Weareusernames 7 күн бұрын
Amazing video! Thanks for sharing
@haileybuth9223
@haileybuth9223 10 күн бұрын
Fantastic vid, shocked when I looked down n u only have 6k subs, well done!!
@erinkelly9594
@erinkelly9594 7 күн бұрын
As it comes to parents that say you may want children down the line, it's because for some people, it just feels like the next step.... what you do after you find your person. With all these parents who say they hate being parents, idk, maybe they shouldn't have them... maybe they need inner work.... but some of us couldn't wait to be parents. Ask me what's bad about being a parent, I will tell you.... but if you ask me what's great, I could go on all day! Mad respect for people who know that they wouldn't do well to be a parent, but some people will never know unless they try... I found myself as a parent. It made me want to be better, to be available to my children, to be that good from my childhood but also protect them with my everything! It made me look at the worse parts of me and want to change them! I know it isn't like that for all, but I would have likely never looked at myself in that light without it, as I was told as a young teen I would never have children... it was a surprise for my 30s 😂 but I love it❤❤❤❤
@nadiakoenig8100
@nadiakoenig8100 11 күн бұрын
LOVE LOVE LOVE THIS!! I feel very seen.
@harmonium5495
@harmonium5495 7 күн бұрын
Growing up with an abusive single mother I heard all the typical comments... "she's trying her best" "she's your mother she loves you dearly" "you are the most important thing in the world to her" etc etc but it's the unintentionally horrible comments people make that really piss me off. Any comment about how women will always be good mothers, how all mothers are protective and loving to their children, how the moment a mother holds her baby she falls madly in love, how mothers always try their best, or how all single mothers deserve some slack will make my eye twitch. Not only because I (afab person) never wanted kids and actively hate them, but because it is blatantly false. A shitty person is likely going to become a shitty mother, and the more people treat bad mothers (ranging from boy moms to negligent to purely the fun parent to casual alcoholic to evil vile creatures like physical or sexual abusers) as a one off and bad fathers as standard the more innocent people are going to get hurt.
@laurenm3148
@laurenm3148 10 күн бұрын
Love that you referenced Clarkisha Kent!
@prettydanica7589
@prettydanica7589 11 күн бұрын
Idk what god I prayed to for this video recommendation, but amen
@darlenedarlene4560
@darlenedarlene4560 12 күн бұрын
Ahh! I was so curious about what the video would be about when I saw your community post the other day! I can't watch now but tomorrow first thing :)
@Soap-t3g
@Soap-t3g 9 күн бұрын
Thank you for this video!!!
@Syntaxinsav
@Syntaxinsav 10 күн бұрын
My mom was somewhere between Sherrybaby and the Florida Project.
@indiabrazilsaudi
@indiabrazilsaudi 11 күн бұрын
thank youu!! i love this conversation sending to my mom rn!!!!
@Dodoorknob
@Dodoorknob 7 күн бұрын
I’m glad this video exists. My step mother said a really horrible thing to me when I was 16. She said, in a much more horrible manner, that I was in love with my dad and wanted to seduce him. To this day I am chastised for not being respectful enough to her and “still holding a grudge”. I have a feeling that if she was not my step mother I wouldn’t have such expectations to be nice and forgiving to someone who said such a horrible thing.
@LuckyStarr224
@LuckyStarr224 6 күн бұрын
Great video and great work! I felt like I was going crazy when I read Nightbitch. I was at a complete loss at this very "intimate" look at motherhood couldnt make up its mind on what it wanted to say about it. And the entire time I felt the eerie vaccum of no one thinking about how the actions of the mom were leading to very dire situations for her kid. I was hoping for a complex narritive and what I got was a really poory thought out thesis "women are powerful because they can give birth"
@frankensteinlives
@frankensteinlives 6 күн бұрын
Great job! My only criticism of this video is that the white text over pink backgrounds are almost painful to read.
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