Transition Regret & the Fascism of Endings

[@lily_lxndr]

Check out my interviews with Max Graves & Jonni Phillips on Nebula! Almost an hour of bonus stuff, where we talk about their art and get into some really interesting, personal territory. go.nebula.tv/lilyalexandre

[@LockedPOCKET]

omg i love max graves comics

[@AutisticVaxtard]

All this seems so Jewish

[@utubeisgay72]

Is this you interviewing yourself pretending to talk to a third person? What motivates this approach?

[@BrigitteEmpire]

One of the things that scared me about transitioning was how little you hear from people after everything has settled, I wanted to know what to expect, turns out what happens after that is just… life

[@gollossalkitty]

Perfect way to put it :)

[@takashimizutani1808]

I'm starting to think I'm trans where do I start I'm a poc and know noone who'd accept me that way but I feel so uncomfortable around men they're so toxic

[@AxiomMusic]

@@takashimizutani1808 an exciting time. My advice as a trans person with a non-accepting family: 1) Be safe. If you have one or two people you can trust, then confiding in them so that you have a sounding board to bounce your thoughts and explorations off is a good idea. But… if you won’t be safe coming out to everyone/your immediate family then tread carefully until you are in a position of self sufficiency where their disapproval can’t drive your life into a ditch. 2) Take it slow. You will want to race ahead and do everything yesterday, but take it slowly so that your footing is as sure as it can be. Read a lot, think a lot, challenge your own self assumptions, and try to make sure that when/if you do decide to make medical changes, you do so with supervision from a qualified and trustworthy professional. 3) Reach out. Lots of trans people will be really happy to point you to resources and information, or give advice (like this). You don’t have to be alone. Just scratching the surface but I hope that helps some ❤️

[@unclefelix3412]

@@takashimizutani1808 i cant speak for your whole situation but most people i know who are trans come out to people online first to see how comfortable they feel about it. online you can say youre whatever you want. if the people you know wont accept you, i promise you, you will find people who will. every person who exists needs to find community that isnt immediately available to them, to find people who will love and avcept them, and i want you to know that you can and will be successful in this journey. stay alive and love life, be true to yourself. Things like hormones and medical care will depend country to country

[@snarkcharming]

How little? Hm. Must be your algo. I get detrans propaganda all the time. Makes me sad. Trade algos?😂

[@cozygoblin]

I detransitioned four years ago and I fell into a lot of terf rhetoric. I'm better now, so much better. A lot of what you said rang true for me too and probably for many others. You believe the narrative that transition is death and not even detransition can bring you back and you swallow it hole. Because you can't be "fixed" the grief is endless. The anger never abates. There is no resolution. Once I realized that narrative was hurting me so deeply I was finally able to get out from under it and acknowledge that transition was just one part of my life, it didn't define or kill me it was an event among many other events in my life. I don't like calling it a detransition anymore but it's the most recognizable thing to call it by. It was a second transition. And it's okay if my narrative didn't go how I expected. I really liked this video, I'd never heard what I felt and experienced put so succinctly. The narrative was never real.

[@Jesse-ri5ud]

thank you for talking about your experience. im really happy and grateful that you were able to move on past your grief and anger and make peace with your life. i really hope more people learn, like you have, to come to terms with their own lives and their own decisions instead of taking out their anger on other people ❤

[@23phoenixash]

I detransitioned for a few years because of social pressures, falling in love with a girl who was religious, etc. But I returned to my transition a few years later a lot stronger and more resilient for having taken a break to really understand what it was I wanted. To me, my temporary detransition was a necessary part of my journey. People are always saying "What if you make a mistake?" but few people tell you that it's okay to make a mistake or that life will be full of mistakes. Mistakes are normal and I think, if one learns from them, they're doing it right.

[@essaeldridgeYoBro]

This is why I get scared of people who detransition, because I can never tell how many of them become anti trans because of it.

[@ElixirSpice]

I always wondered why people who detransition end up as terfs who talk as if they were the victims of their transition. I didn't realoze it was because terfs position transition as a death that you can't come back from. Im glad you're foing better ❤

[@ernie39]

I like the term/framing of "second transition"! Thank you for sharing, I'm glad you are happier with yourself and that you were able to reject those rigid narratives of how change must require sacrifice/rejection/repression of parts of yourself -- life is so full of change, it's cruel that we're taught to fear it and define ourselves so rigidly in order to make sense to others (rather than have to room to grow with others and ourselves).

[@munstify]

I transitioned in 2007. The president was still George w. Bush. If someone could have told me that I'd someday be pushing 40 and just living life as male I don't know if I'd have even been able to compute. I never stopped being trans but it's also just kind of "this thing that happened to me nearly 20 years ago." As of next year I'll have been living as male longer than I lived as female. Life, it do go on. It do.

[@JosephKano]

​@@jordanthompson8268 just stop. Don't be that person. It's completely unnecessary, and just the mark of a rude boorish individual.

[@munstify]

IKR 😆😆 and yet somehow it doesn't seem to matter because I've just been able to easily occupy a male space in society for like 20 years. Crazy right?

[@JosephKano]

@@ExpertContrarian "comment"

[@fourstarshit]

@@JosephKano 'reply'

[@JosephKano]

@@fourstarshit "subscribe"

[@oramihi]

This reminds me so much of conversations transgender people were having online 20 years ago. I had elders telling me, "Just remember that transition isn't the end all be all. There is life after that, and you will have to figure out what to do with yourself after it's all done." It ended up taking me 15 freaking years to get there... which I suppose makes me lucky, because once I finally got surgery, the feeling at the top of the hill was one of "Yeah, this is nice. I deserve this," and "on with the financial plan and maybe some bucket list items." And also, when there have been weird feelings or concerns down there in that area, I feel like there's a big sense of simply being a woman in the healthcare system. That is, people are prone to not believe you about your sensations, but also "are these feeling valid?" It's all the same questions ciswomen I know deal with. In that sense, though this is a wonderfully ornate description of all of this from a contemporary perspective, these are also all the same things transgender people were thinking and feeling 20 years ago. Probably 40 years ago or 60 years ago (see Casa Susana). The erasure of our history and our connections with our trans elders tends to make us all grow up in these little bubbles, where "everyone is 20" is always the case. As a transwoman in her 40s, I can tell the younger folks, you're actually doing just fine.

[@creatrixZBD]

💜 this cmment, thank you x

[@flowerfields7224]

thats so sweet ty :)

[@quinnstraught9636]

tysm ❤ Best wishes to you

[@CharlotteThroughTheWeb]

Thank you for posting this. As a trans woman who came out 15 years ago and similar to your story, is having surgery in just over a month only. Because the stars aligned, this definitely makes me feel less alone. It's been hard for me because it doesn't feel like a part of it's own story, less like it makes me me, and more like it makes me more comfortable. But the sheer meaning of what that action of having surgery means is so different in our culture than what it means to me/what it was when I came out. I have lived in this world where people assume I've already done it, or they assume I'm cis. It's wild. I have felt this pressure on to figure out the meaning making because like I've lived feeling like I was just living. So what does this mean now? What is surgery part of when it's not even remotely part of one's transition? The video helped me let go of trying to make it fit into anything, but I certainly didn't expect to then scroll the comments to find someone who had lived a similar experience. Thank you.

[@6Haunted-Days]

Please don’t use cis it’s beyond offensive, I know I’m just a woman myself and not part of the alphabet but shouldn’t MY feelings matter? Can’t even remotely offend a trans but let’s have a field day with natural born women, it’s sickening. It’s like trying cancel all natural born women, the videos I’ve seen Christ just awful I’m HOPING it’s only the extreme side of trans….I’m very progressive in my politics but what I’m referring to is insanity, these TikToks 🙄

[@foogriffy]

i relate to what youve said in this video so hard. transition made everything easier but... now there's the rest of my life to live. i really needed to get some things out of the way, but it's a shame i had to be so invested in this one thing that i didnt take the time to be a real person in the meantime. after i got top surgery, i had an ecstatic couple years. i was living with a friend who also recently got his top surgery. in fact he paid out of his own savings for mine. we were like brothers. we did everything together, and it felt like i was living my lost boyhood. i did a lot of healing in that time. eventually, reality came back to me and i realized im just a dude now. i'm a man in his 20s thats expected to hold a job and be a productive member of society even though all i want to do is keep resting after the trauma, to regain my stolen youth. i have to contend with the future now, and i always feel like i can't keep up. i think i knew the whole time that there wasnt going to be an 'end' when my transition was over. i was really just hoping it would make life fun going forward. but it didn't exempt me from the same struggles every other person faces in life. i'm just a guy, and furthermore, a guy with a very unique and complex trauma. that amazing friendship ended pretty badly and we don't know each other anymore. life goes on.

[@Dutch3DMaster]

This resonated with me as well. I am now hitting the concrete wall of people not realizing or understanding why you never was in a relationship. In my case that is the result of literally growing up as someone who was not yet knowing I am transgender, causing me to spend a whole lot of time to try and understand why I wasn't understanding any of it. Which made me have no room for some of the other things that other children tend to experiment with when puberty has started: it all had to be "parked" somewhere as long as I was clueless on why I was so incredibly jealous of girls, while mistaking that jealousy for feelings of being in love with them, while at the same time noticing I was clueless enough along with having a boy body just enough to not be automatically tolerated in their environment. In 2017, through a video of a transwoman I learned that my puberty screening was quite identical to that of boy-girl transchildren that she had. In my case not because I am transgender, I didn't know that at the time yet, but because my body height was below average, and there were concerns my body was having some hormonal problems. That to me now causes a lot of remorse for realizing how close I was to getting puberty halted if I only had have the words to know what was happening with me (I will add I don't know if I had acted on the information). It also put me in the position at the time of knowing full well what was heading my way in terms of what boy puberty was going to do, and not realizing why I only wanted to become taller and not have the rest. My city has a local support group that has been going to high schools in the city to give informational lessons on sexual diversity, asked me along as a transwoman on hormones (the other transwomen that regularly volunteered are not on hormones) and tell about my coming-out situation and life experience. I am unsure if it is because of the experience of the puberty screening or because of obviously knowing a bit about puberty and stuff due to being trans, but I frequently notice that the knowledge in those classes concerning what puberty does is severely lacking: puberty blockers don't prevent you from getting a low voice as a boy and many other things that in the eyes of those children (13-14 year old students) are not actually part of puberty but just "something that happens to boys". For me, I also feel that there is no end to my transition: not only did I start to late, but due to not having grown up as a girl I feel I'll spend my life learning things.

[@dinosaysrawr]

Re: 22:11, that right there is why I have always detected and detested the ableist undertones in transphobic rhetoric. If someone's value or beauty lies in their physical appeal, and if "deformed" people are necessarily to be considered pitiable and horrifying, then that bodes just as poorly for someone with cerebral palsy or arthrogryposis as it does a trans person who is the intended target of such rhetoric.

[@bing_crilling8981]

tbh its very common to see abelism be self-reported with transphobia. think about it. they weaponize "getting therapy" (it's usually in a negative connotation, like "get therapy you freak", associating therapy with something to fix a repulsive trait they have), they think mental illness is bad enough to warrant stuff like the trans military ban back then, etc. its very, VERY common for someone to not just be transphobic. even "LGB" allies. even they aren't just transphobic. they think they're all "one of the good gays who don't make it their personality" and whatever. they likely suffer from atleast homophobia if not some other things. transphobia is really just a symptom and the top of the iceburg.

[@queenvagabond8787]

Well the whole thing is deeply rooted in eugenicistic sympathies and beliefs, and a biological essentialist narrative that upholds physical 'perfection' and supremacy, and ability to reproduce biologically as the essence of goodness, purity and validity. When those are a person's core beliefs and assumptions, its hard to challenge them, unfortunately.

[@Ellyc2929]

​@queenvagabond8787 for sure, you got it

[@GuiSmith]

You’ve said exactly what I’ve been thinking for years. Transphobic remarks about autistic individuals like myself are already pretty telling, but it goes to show what they really think about us when you look just below surface. It’s infantilisation all the way down, probably because “non-sexual child” is the only way they can imagine us sexually.

[@Gakulon]

Exactly. If I were a cis man or woman, my body and my mind would still be far from nature's "perfection" (🤣) and undoubtedly I would still be the subject of their derision and scorn.

[@Alexintrinketopia]

It deeply resonated with me not only as a trans person, but as a russian. (cw: war, heavy stuff) I was barely 17, finishing school when my country just...started a war with a neighbouring country. And my generation just had to live this realization. The amount of narratives I was making up to try and feel any control over what's happening is astonishing. There was so much guilt, anger and a terrible sense of doom in the anti-war circles. (For a lack of a better name) There was so much stuff happening every day during the first month of the war, that all I did was checking the (unofficial!) news and analytics. I constantly felt like the world is soon going to collapse. The war is still there, but there is barely anything happening. It felt bizarre, applying to a uni, and taking about my future career while everything feels like its ending. But I did it. It feels like the old me has died somewhere on the way though. And maybe he had to for me to be there. Because the world is always ending, yet the life goes on.

[@ConvincingPeople]

Freaking out a little because I know Max and it's genuinely wild seeing someone with a fairly large platform talk about (and with him about) his work like this. He's a lovely dude and his work's great and strange and personal and I'm really not sure what to say…

[@dmitrichernetsky8018]

I've heard an acquaintance frequently say: "If your story has an unhappy ending, then it hasn't ended yet." Although I sometimes feel like it's wishful thinking to think that you can't be doomed, it reminds me of the importance to continue to fight on, no matter how desperate or dire the situation is. There isn't a guarantee that everything is going to work out in the end, but in giving up, you sacrifice any possibility of getting better. Nothing short of murder can make your ending a death. Bad actors that would like to see you fail can't make a death. They can only manipulate you into seeing it no other way. I like your video, it is very thoughtful! Be well, everyone.

[@pablopereyra7126]

Reminds me of another phrase I've heard: "It will all be okay in the end. If it's not okay, then it's not the end."

[@alim.9801]

​@@pablopereyra7126 I was just about to comment this, one of my favorite quotes I've heard :)

[@kerycktotebag8164]

our culture (im assuming ur from colonized turtle island) or "overculture"/multiple hegemonies, or at least the part of it I'm from ("dirty south, U.S") doesn't handle regret very well. regret doesn't literally mean "shouldn't have happened, shouldn't have done it", it just feels that way in the moment

[@Tom_Fuckery]

And so they squirm exponentially as reality and their role in it sets in. We don't need guns and walls to protect ourselves in a civil space. Only mirrors. The Orks will do the rest to themselves. I swear, I can hear the Churchill/Nixon lips flapping obscenities now with the cadence of Wallace

[@queenvagabond8787]

Yeah, absolutely. I had GCS a few years back and at times I've had 'regret' - during the healing process, then euphoria once that was complete, then again in the past two years where I have also had some complications with pain. But, like, I can still experience deep emotional and sexual pleasure, so the fact that everything isn't 'perfect' isn't the end of the world. Plus I've known so many AFAB folk, including my partner, who have chronic pain issues with their genitals. There is also a hetero-normative, male-desire focus to judging if your 'parts,' and therefore your womanhood and femaleness, are valid. Like, you're not a 'real' woman unless - 1) A dude can get you pregnant. 2) You *want* a dude to be able to get you pregnant 3) You aim to have a 'natural' birth (Caesarian births are so frowned upon, or seen as a 'second class' birthing option in many circles, despite being the best or only choice for a 1/4 of pregnancies,) 4) You've actually borne a child and 'become' a woman, but also your parts remain perfect and identical to how they were *before* you bore a child... 5) you 'naturally' lubricate fully and sufficiently *always* to have sex with a man at any time they demand it. 6) You enjoy penetrative sex with a man. 7) you can engage in *and enjoy* penetrative sex with a penis of any size and shape, (because of course all women are infinitely flexible spaces, and its *definitely* not the case that most women can only fit 3-6" inside them anyway, even if it is comfortable to do so. 🙄) At any time your womanhood is to some degree conditional and gradable based primarily on your adherence to all these factors. Its ridiculous.

[@merlin8015]

And don't forget, if bad things happen to you, it means God is punishing you! (Hate it here)

[@pageturner2958]

My favorite example of this is when conservatives get all up in arms about queer people "confusing children" and "making them think they are gay." It is such a "no turning back" mentality over this. Just a story of "ooooo, Little Timmy heard that gay people exist and was confused about his sexuality ooooo" without adding that eventually, through his life experience, Timmy did figure out what his sexuality was and it was helped by the fact that he understood from a young age he had option other than straight. "ooooo, Little Martha learned about gay people and thought it was trendy so said she was gay, but she was straight oooo gay people scary" while ignoring that Martha eventually found out she was exclusively into boys and now identifies as straight. Worst thing that thinking she was gay did is make her cringe at her younger self a bit, but hey, don't we all.

[@JayJaySauce1]

The "true self" is a fascist lie. We are dynamic creatures who touch each other and change each other constantly.

[@alextopfer1068]

(watching this over on nebula) this resonates a lot with me, in terms of what to do after my partner died of cancer. Very much that being past the end of the story feeling

[@Dragowolf_Rising]

I didn't get started on transition of any sort until I was 36. I finally got to start hormones a few months before turning 38. I don't know if I'll ever be able to afford any surgery. The only regret I have so far, is that I didn't fight to be myself earlier in life. Thank you for your content! You're a beautiful young woman and I hope you have a long and fulfilling life.

[@AnnikaVictoria24]

Holy heck my brain. This hit me really hard in relation to my chronic illness. It defies the "sick person" narrative in so many ways. It just... Continues and you have to learn to live with it.

[@AnnikaVictoria24]

I've always felt a strange sort of solidarity with people who transition and this video really put into words *why* I've felt that

[@katherinemorelle7115]

As a disabled person, same. Also I follow you, it's so cool to see you here!

[@Homodemon]

I spent a literal decade assisting therapist, psychologists, psychiatrist to know what was wrong with me and when I finally got my late diagnosis, I was super lost and basically went through the 5 stages of grief over it, it was like a perpetual "and now what?" from my part and luckily my therapist helped me to keep moving on, despite how, now, the diagnosis I worked to hard to get filled me with an odd sensation of dread

[@bellajudyy]

@@AnnikaVictoria24 !!! as someone who was a “sick child” and has chronic pain still i have been resonating so heavily with everything she says

[@SpencerCHale]

I cannot begin to describe how cathartic it is to hear someone speak about how COVID is still very much a threat. Thank you for this video.

[@wakingcharade]

I actually had to pause the video because I started crying. Staring down the barrel of another holiday season everyone is annoyed at me for missing because they were annoyed at me for asking if any precautions were in place. They're done. The world is done. If your body won't let you be done, the world is done with you. And no ones body actually is done with it, they just think they are. The scorn is only compounded by the fear for those who have decided its over. Genuinely, Lily, it means so much to hear someone acknowledge the reality instead of acting like COVID is a thing of the past, just because our societal effort to contain it is.

[@prettyhatemachine8887]

No it's not. At least not anymore than many of the things in everyday life.

[@SpencerCHale]

​@@prettyhatemachine8887 While it's definitely portrayed that way in the media, COVID is way more of a threat than other things in every day life, like the annual flu. The long terms effects of repeated COVID infections are way more deadly and debilitating than the flu. The scientific literature is there.

[@rayosdeluz]

I never got a positive result from covid test until today. Almost 4 years without getting sick at all because I've been very careful. But then my gf got it, and now I'm also quarantining. I've had family members almost stop breathing entirely from this virus and still claim it's not a big deal and that they want to move on from it.. rn it's the brain fog that's the worst

[@wakingcharade]

@@rayosdeluz The best things you can do, as far as we know, are 1) get paxlovid asap if you can and are medically able to take it. 2) rest, rest, rest. I've heard it called it 'radical rest'. Society makes it almost impossible, but taking it as easy as possible physically and even mentally is one of the few suggested things for reducing the chances of longer term symptoms. Not just while sick, but after for as long as you can. Some people suggest, if you have access and can manage, getting a full medical check up including blood work as soon as you're testing negative, but I don't remember the full suggested panel. Others say to wait a few months as some people will have a resolution of symptoms in a month or two? It's ridiculous that its impossible to avoid a virus with this much potential for long term disability, let alone acute death. I'm so sorry. rest up

[@anedaneran5666]

I watched already on Nebula and I'm here to boost the algorithm. And I have to say, at 00:30:50 when you cut to the trees on the interview it feels great. I have rarely seen a point-of-view shot in this format. It works so well. You were right, video essayists do need to go outside more.

[@darkacadpresenceinblood]

also, the yellow fall leaves are a really neat choice symbolically for a video about endings that aren't really endings... the leaves fall, but they grow out again a season later. life goes on.

[@nickreynolds9745]

Gonna binge this comic thank you❤️ as someone with ptsd, “it doesn’t really feel like it’s over, sometimes I wake up and feel like it’s still happening” is very relatable

[@keeganwymer3145]

i got top surgery in early march 2020, i had been dreaming about it for years and years. i could finally feel comfortable in my body, but my mental health ended up getting worse anyway. i started having delusions and hallucinations and everything i saw was a sign that i wasnt supposed to be alive. in the lens of transition, there was some guilt that i took a surgery spot and resources for someone who might actually be human and want to survive. but i did survive and im feeling better than have in like, a decade. i still struggle with not feeling like an actual human but im feeling optimistic.

[@JosephKano]

Wherever you go there you are. Be well, being you. Hugs and Wuv.

[@bipbapboop1140]

Where I live, you need to be 18 to legally transition. When I was a kid, it was all I could ever think about. Everything in my life revolved around "making it" long enough for me to do so. My hobbies, my interests, the way I lived my life were all subservient to just surviving in this state of stasis. I didn't feel like I could develop as a person until then. Those were 18 very, very long years. I turned 18 last year. And for a long time, despite now being able to do so, I couldn't bring myself to make an appointment. Some part of me shriveled up at the thought, my stomach felt like it shrank and sucked in my lungs and abdomen. I kept putting it off, and I didn't know why. It's only now that I realize that I was afraid of "the ending". Like I would die the moment I became "trans enough". That everything about me would shift into the natural state it was supposed to be in and whatever husk I'd been living as would just wither away. I realize how stupid that is. In an effort to save myself I've been denying my own existence for the past 18 years of my life. There is no magical man waiting for me at the end of the HRT tunnel. It's just going to be me, flawed as I am, for better or for worse.

[@DanielleStarry]

wherever you go, there you are. try to work on your inside for now if you can. external validation means nothing if you're not right with yourself. someone once told me we should treat ourselves with the same kindness we would a puppy.

[@jessisamess4062]

this reminds me a lot of the whole coming out myth that exists around sexuality as well as transition. as an ace person, even though i first came out years ago, people still assume i'm straight all the time. i thought when i came out that it was some all-important moment, but i've realized since that it's more like the beginning of the rest of your life of coming out, which is exciting in its own way

[@Homodemon]

Is really funny to see teens be very giddy about wanting to listen about others "Coming out story" as this huge exciting thing, and I used to be like that when I was a kid too, thinking that "coming out" was this big moment in your life you had to be ready to do and prepare But realistically coming out is not a once in your lifetime sort of deal as people make it sound

[@vlacroix]

Adding my voice to the chorus: I wholly appreciate that you so clearly acknowledge the current COVID situation. My friends look at me like I'm crazy when I mention that COVID is bad right now and that I want to avoid Long COVID.

[@birdwatching_u_back]

This video hits so hard, my god. The past week or so has felt really pivotal for me, and this coming out just now has just felt so perfect. I haven’t transitioned yet and am still nebulously unsure that I will at all, and I’ve noticed that I’ve been framing it as a sort of decision that would trap me the rest of my life-a kind of climacteric, a purely formal ecstasy, preceding a long, long spiral towards death. The “decision” (as if there could ever be a single moment of pure rational clarity in this) became an ultimatum whose implications I knew I couldn’t understand. But at the same time there’s been this electric undercurrent to it…the feeling that there isn’t a neat linearity to transness or its relationship to anything in particular. An intuition about something free but unrelated to static truths. There are so many narratives around “transness” going on right now that I’ve forgotten that there is no such singular thing, no such platonic ideal. There’s the body, there’s ecosystems. I like the animator’s comment on ecosystems a lot; ecosystems are structures living themselves out, in most ways blind to themselves. The root “eco” comes from the Greek (I think) “oikos,” which means “home.” Ecology is the study of homes; ecosystems are the movements of homes. A home makes itself, occupies itself, changes itself, and in that, it is never equal to itself. It is infinitely alien to itself precisely because it IS itself, and lives inside and outside itself. I vaguely remember some line from House of Leaves that describes the home, the house, as “that which is unknowable.” In an ecosystem, there is no place you can stand and define the ecosystem, because you are living it, it is living you, and none of it has any room for any singular, isolated, conclusive story. Narrative can quickly turn a home into violence. Thank you so much for talking about this.

[@darkacadpresenceinblood]

you put this so beautifully... i don't have anything even half as smart as what you said to say, but i just want to let you know this comment really touched me because this is the exact realization i've been coming to about myself and about life in general and you put it into words perfectly.

[@birdwatching_u_back]

@@darkacadpresenceinblood:)

[@Jamie-kg8ig]

I started my transition almost five years ago and it's really weird to think about it. I've done The Things. I've accomplished the nigh-impossible multiple times. But now what? My usual response to these feelings has been to find something new to absorb myself in, and yet I don't know if that's a great thing to do either. Having to live your boring every day life where you have a dumb job you hate after having lived glorious, exciting and at times absolutely terrifying days is weird. Catching a car and not knowing what to do with it. Transitioning despite the rejection of your family with zero resources, moving across the country for love, handling your mental health issues, getting married, all glorious, life defining things. But what do you do afterwards? And I, a person who is apparently wise beyond her age and usually has an answer, have absolutely no idea.

[@m.merritt310]

Wow...I...damn. This is speaking to me on so many levels and I'm blown away. The struggle with narrative is affecting my career path right now (I still don't have an Adult Job and I graduated a long time ago, and now I'm applying for an MA with would take me in a different direction), my personal life (I'm a fluid enby who doesn't know what the full me would be after eight years of knowing, and I recently accepted that my sexuality is pretty different from I thought, and family conflicts need to be resolved), my faith, etc. I'm writing a summary for an article pitch for an artsy agrarian project I admire - it was originally going to be a 'here's how we can live better' piece, but it's turned into a 'what now?' piece, speculating that even having A Big Plan to Save the World is part of what's wrong with how we treat the world and ourselves. It's scary and horrifying, but also freeing...and maybe true? I don't know where that will leave this piece, but life is sure building on a motif. Anyway, I love your work and thank you for appearing at the right time.

[@luna010]

Already watched on nebula and rewatchingthe premier. I just want to say, as a young trans person, your videos have helped me a lot. I'm 16, and realized I'm trans and started hrt since the start of the pandemic. I cried a few times watching your trans youth series. Having trans people who do things that inspire me outside of the process of transition has been very significant.

[@chaeburger]

Hey this video fucked me up in a really profound way. I'm very early in my transition even though my egg cracked three years ago. Covid is something that has really affected me and I continue to take it super seriously. My career prospects have completely dried up. I'm chronically ill in a complicated way. I am scared about the future and what happens next. Thank you for making this. Thank you so much.

[@AnnikaVictoria24]

Just sending you solidarity from another trans chronically ill person who just lives day to day because it's hard to see what the future can hold for me ❤

[@scout8145]

@@AnnikaVictoria24​​⁠​⁠Oh hey! I recognize your channel from when you did sewing videos! Thank you for helping me see that I can still do my craft projects at my own pace, even if my brain and body try to fight me on it most of the time. Apologies for the off-topic comment when I have nothing more interesting to say to you or @chaeburger than “same,” but hopefully it’s at least a little helpful to hear from someone whose life improved a bit just by seeing fellow disabled people online ❤

[@cryptilli]

this video is really hard for me (but it is exceptional, as are your other videos, ofc.) its even more deeply personal in a way i dont know if you understand, if you ever read this. i recognize the steps and where you filmed most of this because just a few years ago, i was visiting (im assuming) montreal with the intention of building my new life there. i had built a narrative in my head that i would go off to this great school (mcgill) for the next four years and i would grab all my ambitions by the balls and take charge of my life which, up to that point, had been so violently out of my control that i thought i would finally be able to grab onto something. for the first few weeks, i felt in control. i felt as though i was going to do this. the places you are standing are the very places i saw my story beginning at, ending one chapter and opening another. i was so sure i was going to become something better, more beautiful. ...and then my disabilities kicked in. i was forced to go home to florida. i've been stuck inside my house perpetually since 2021, my sleep disorder keeping me from having energy to do much of anything. my other health issues have gotten worse and worse. i have spent the last two years feeling even more out of control than i have ever felt. and this video is a reminder, in so many nonsubtle ways, INCLUDING THE LOCATION, that everything i had wanted and planned for, that i had assumed would be some kind of pillar in my life, was pulled out from underneath me. the wallowing in my house doesnt even include the horrible inhuman my own mother became. i dont write all this to be like woe is i, im venting in the comments, but more so because i feel poignantly attacked almost by everything in this video and its framing and its subject matter in a way that i can relate to, and again, you somehow filmed this in a place i was with my parents waiting for everything to begin for me, for the worst of my life to end. only for it to get worse later. its not exactly a rare location, but, like.... the coincedence is almost painful. cheers. to the rest of our lives

[@evrypixelcounts]

When I first decided I wanted to transition I always thought of it as this metamorphosis, that it would happen in a vacuum, and I would continue with my life afterwards. It wasn't until recently when I actually started the process that the reality of transition hit me. I can't even fathom what my life will be like in a few months let alone after transition (if it ever truly ends.) I've put my life on hold waiting for transition in the hopes that I'd magically start living the life I dreamed of once I take that first pill, but life just doesn't work that way.

[@elias486]

I was very lucky to have a social worker confront me with this topic very early on. He casually pointed at a bunch of pictures from the list of doctors and health care professionals we were contacting. A lot of them were old, balding men, a few others were older women. And he said "how do you want to look like when you are old?" We are often confronted with 'transition goals' that are young, fit, popular models or actors. Looking so far into the future for once completely shattered this aspect of lookism and for once, I had to confront the raw reality just how long life after transition might be. It shook me a bit at the time, but in retrospect I am so glad I had this moment. It really helped to pull everything into perspective

[@capinsgwiggs]

lily I need you to know, you are my most deserving channel subscription. like I know in the grand scheme of things thats not really huge but like... idk. these videos always feel like the vocalisation of thoughts I always have that are finally actually conceivable and not just the talk explosion of incoherent brain waves and I just really wanna hug you

[@spacedhuh]

LILY IS QUEBECOISE??? THIS IS SUCH A WIN FOR ME SPECIFICALLY

[@bigmichael2765]

God damn, always knocking it out with each release in their own way. You are one of the few creators I feel like I actually walk from with a takeaway. Massive kudos and thanks for your output :)

[@flintlocke1344]

This video has been popping up in my recommendations semi-frequently for a while. I’m picking up my first dose of HRT tomorrow, so this seems like as good a time as any to watch.

[@Hextator]

Funny how I am watching this the day after being disgusted by a slew of KZbin comments from someone who - Said that anyone using the "egg metaphor" is a groomer, and if I remember right, they basically just said trans people in general are groomers, too - said this multiple times without any further explanation - FINALLY opened up with a story about how they were questioning their gender, but ultimately realized they were just a gender non-conforming cis person... - ...but they still kept using the word "groomer"... - ...and they ultimately admitted their experience was only of a small sample of trans people from a specific Discord server... - ...and that their justification for calling them groomers was because those people encouraged anyone who was questioning their gender to overcome their fear of transitioning and pursue it, without any actual examples of how forceful these people were being or what sort of language they were using. Like, dude, yes, bad shit happens in any community, especially niche subcommunities. There are bad people of all kinds. Casually throwing around the word "groomer" when talking about trans people in general, when it's actually in reference to a just 1 specific situation, is just going to get a bunch of bigoted shitlords to swarm all over the comment chain and use it as propaganda, including about "trans regret", without actually conveying anything accurate about the trans community as a whole. The guy is a mook. Apparently using the word "groomer" in that way means that you're talking about someone who is "raising or teaching someone for a specific purpose", with a connotation of it being some sexually exploitative purpose, which is definitely not what I immediately think of when I think of people saying "do what's best for you, even if you're scared other people won't like it". Regardless of whether what the people in that specific Discord server were doing was wrong, it still may not have been "grooming". The rant this GNC individual posted read like...well...do you remember when Dean Browning attempted to post about being a "black gay guy" with the wrong account? ᵃˡˢᵒ ʸᵒᵘ ᵃʳᵉ ˢᵘᵖᵉʳ ᵖʳᵉᵗᵗʸ

[@tristanband4003]

Besides, the "forcefulness" comes from a good place. It's about encouraging someone to fight through their self-doubts and social programming. Its not about raising someone for a specific, externally determined purpose.

[@sensiblegh0st86]

The close-to final line of "What happens next, if I'm lucky, is nearly everything" is really impactful to me. Very good video as a whole, also I read What Happens Next in one sitting before watching this and it gutted me, thank you for the recommendation.

[@telitoons]

WOAH i was not expecting barber westchester to be recognized by someone else like. wow that's awesome

[@jessecatrainham6957]

This video found me at the perfect moment. In 2022 I completed a project that consumed my whole focus for two years. Artistically, it was a triumph... then it just faded into the churning, endless ocean of images and information. The world, even my closest friends, "got over" my once-in-a-lifetime achievement with a humbling swiftness. Through those initial Covid years, communities I was a part of crumbled and dissipated. The absence of a "triumphal return" as an accomplished artist punched a hole in my ego- and my "story-" that I'm still figuring out what to do with. The bright side of the pain, guilt, disappointment, and loneliness, however, is that on reaching a crisis point, and invisible cocoon of Autistic masking and unhealthy compromises suddenly became visible to me. Being born anew, out of an old self into a new self, out of a trajectory that I outlived... I have been wrestling with this enigma, trying to parse and make a hopeful "story" out of it. Its hard to put into words the "what" and the "how," but this video really helps me relax these "main character" trips I've used to torment myself. Its OK to let go of the need for a clear narrative. Stories are a way we impose structure and meaning on our lives-- but when the structure stifles and harms more than it empowers, its OK to let it go and just float for awhile. Just let life happen while I figure out what's next, without all the mental agony and flailing. Thank you and bless you for this healing message.

[@_Dr.PepperPHD]

Pandemic song of the summer: John Cage's 4'33" 💃😎☀️🏖 Thank you for the beautiful nuanced discussion of where grand narratives can help or fall short, made my day :) We really do need better vocabulary to talk abt grief in transition.

[@23phoenixash]

I didn't care for the beginning format, but I'm glad I was patient and curious enough to listen to the rest of it. I think you raise some interesting questions about how we look at finding meaning and building narratives in our lives. I transitioned when I was 23 but didn't have surgery until I was 33 (cost in the US being prohibitive). I'd heard stories of post-op blues, so I committed myself to working hard, going to school, being a social worker. And I think that was effective at not seeing transition/surgery as an endpoint to arrive at, but then I started having health problems right before I finished school (nothing related to surgery). This threw my life into upheaval because all of the things I'd been working towards just seemed thrown out the window. Now, almost a decade later, I'm still adjusting to a life that's different than what I imagined, and I do get bummed when I think about what could've been, but I'm finding ways of carrying my values forward into the world - if not as a social worker than as a writer, for example. Viktor Frankl's "Man's Search for Meaning" lays out how finding meaning is useful in extracting value from our hardships and happiness research shows how having a life narrative you tell as a "redemption sequence" vs. a "contamination sequence" can lead to greater happiness. I see life, like Camus, as inherently absurd. I think it's right to say that there is no universal or meta meaning. But I think that there IS meaning for us, as individuals, and it can be a choice as to how we interpret that meaning. It's not just in the examples that you give in the video that we're stuck wondering "What happens next?" but in virtually every aspect of life, and I think wondering what happens next can be meaningful in and of itself. Like curiosity to experience the future can be exciting, I think, even though I do worry about a good many things. And as for the subject of transition regret, I just want to add that regret, like most things, is not binary. Like, there can be some things one regrets about transition and some things they don't regret. I regret that I lost so many friends and family, but I don't regret being able to be myself. And regret isn't necessarily stable across time, like what one regrets today they may be glad about tomorrow (like I'm glad to have shed some of the toxic people in my life). Lastly, the people who bring up transition regret never talk about how regret can run the other way i.e. regret over NOT transitioning. Anyway, this is probably too long for anyone to read, but if some people do and get something out of it, cool. Keep making videos. I want to see what happens next :)

[@SlighlyMacs]

For myself and many others early Covid was the first time in my adult life I had time off from full time work. I lived in Montreal where we had curfews and helicopters monitoring us. I was part of the punk scene in hochelag and we had quite a bit of secret after curfew parties (not condoning it, some of us just coped with major substance use) it was both scary but also a relief for a lot of us who were working full time. There was also this sense that the world we knew may be coming to an end and while terrifying, a lot of us wanted to see shit change.

[@anoxbar4428]

That sounds dystopian as shit. I can’t believe this world is real.

[@beebalmbadil]

it's a beautiful thing when the exact thing you need just pops up in your KZbin feed like this did. thank you

[@CharlotteThroughTheWeb]

Thank you so much for writing and producing this. It is yet again, a wonderful analysis, not just of the threads of a conversation, but of those missing from it altogether, despite being evident in the tapestry overall. This video especially has been an amazing connection to what I feel I am struggling to explain to others in my life right now. I am part of that generation of trans women who came out without real resources outside the community, but grew up in a world where those resources were quickly becoming available, but not to us. A system that in some ways many of my peers felt we were grandfathered out of. I came out almost 15 years ago. I lost my family, my community, experienced what would socially be referred to as an uncountable number of sexual assaults. But I persisted. In some ways that challenge was proof I was something real, because something that doesn't really exist can't be treated as such a threat. I was one of those people who came out by just showing up to school in a dress. I had always known who I was, and felt frustrated the world couldn't see it. And so I manifested it into the world myself. In some ways transition feels like a kind of magic, not the transformation of a witch, but the glamour of a fairy, your actions change, not who you are, but how the world around you sees you. I had always been there, and you cannot only partially uncage a desperate animal. To me, as was the way of my "generation" (or cohort if you prefer) transition was majoritively social. It was a journey, not to change your body, but to be yourself. People accessed what medical care they wanted or could, but regardless, the ultimate goal was to leave behind the facade of the past and learn to just be. It was far harder to learn to be yourself, when it felt like you had lived a life where no one had really ever seen or talked to YOU, than it was to learn to perform femininity or womanhood. In your video asking if there really are binary trans women, you talk about the intergenerational tension in the trans community. I think one of those tensions is that many trans women in my generation never thought of themselves as men or boys, we watched womanhood from behind a mask, learned it practiced it, whereas I know many younger women who take up this identity of "recovering men." I offer no judgement, I just feel it has changed the way they approach transition. One generation becomes or grows into a woman whereas the other lets her out of her cage. What this amounted to was a life where we'll over a decade ago, I was well into HRT and had so thoroughly embodied my own womanhood that my own brother once asked me if it hurt when my partners bumped my cervix during sex. He had simply forgotten I didn't have one. And I lived a comfortable adjusted life as an adult woman, despite the fact that I couldn't afford surgical care. And time continued to pass. My transition was over. I saved money for surgery, but saving money when you started out as a homeless teenager is nearly impossible. And then we had Healthcare coverage, but I had a resume too spotty and was too disabled from past injuries to maintain a job that had health insurance. And so time continued to pass. I stayed involved in the community, I continued to do activism. I watched conversations change from people struggling to access care to teenagers who felt rushed through medical care by cis parents hoping to legitimize them. (Teenagers I taught that transition was whatever it means to you and that it can go at any pace you find comfortable and meaningful.) People went from asking if I had had "the surgery" to feeling it was inappropriate to ask, to assuming I had and asking who my surgeon was, and to still assuming, but now assuming my experience must be so old as to be outdated. Spaces that once nurtured me, that I then lead, I began to require members with institutional knowledge of my transness to access, as youger members assumed me a well intentioned cis invader. It has been a wild ride. But two years ago, the stars started to align. I got married. My wife got a new job at a tech company with insurance so good that it literally pays for our flights and hotel stay, and I got bumped from a 4 year waitlist to a 5 month cancelation. After 14 years, I'll be having surgery. And like I honestly don't know what to feel. I am in awe, I feel lucky, and I do feel some joy, but in the way a friend knows seeing Gandalf the Grey, knowing he is about to ask them to do something that is both trying and painful, as well as the best opportunity for a happy future or at least one with less hardship. It feels like a Harbinger and I think that is because of two things. The first is that what it actually means, sociologically, has changed. It isn't like just like a private and personal thing some trans women do to feel more comfortable in their skin, to not wince when they shift in a chair, to improve their safety, and/or to have more meaningful sex. It is that, yes, but it is also a symbol. It is social validity. It is, as many would consider, the particular plank that makes the ship of theseus no longer the ship of theseus. It is the completion of transition, the end of a journey. Which obviously conflicts with my lived experience and narrative. If you go to travel, and then you stop and stay in one house for thirteen years, and the you hit the road again, is that the same journey? In the narrative I don't personally subscribe to of transition as transformation, is it the same transformation? A butterfly that just sat in the chrysalis without leaving? But then what of my life in between? Was I not yet me living as Schrödinger's Woman for over a decade? Is this truly "completing my transition" as friends would say, or is it something else? What it has manifested is a world in which I have told almost no one. A continued difference of experience. Where others I see get community support and meal trains and dog walks, I get my wife. And that is okay. Frankly I think it feels a little odd, having not done anything that looks remotely like transition in over a decade, to like tell people about the current status of my genitals? Especially in a world where so many people assumed the opposite about my, current state. I have struggled to process though, what this means emotionally. If to me a chapter of my life is long over, to others it is just ending, and yet a future of adjustment continues ahead of me, what narrative does my experience even follow. How can there be more story after the ending. And of course even after that there is so much more. There is healing, any potential complications, developing new comforts with my body, medical care with my body, heck, there's even having one's sexual awakening at 30. These are all parts of my journey as a woman. But when does it stop being transition and start being just a woman struggling with discomforts with her body, the ways the world mistreats her because of her body, the education she gives and receives from other women, and the joys she finds in her body, just like every other woman? What is the end? Does the end matter? I feeled freed by your analysis that there really are no endings. Instead there are places where others like to put in a bookmark and put the book down. The human version of "If this is other most interesting part of the story, then why aren't you writing that part instead?" I was Bilbo, and I had my adventure and it was taxing, and then I went home, and I lived in a state where I was in some ways haunted by a vestigial part of it, which I the passed along for one more journey. That journey has brought up old memories, pains, joys, and fears, but ultimately, the truer version of it is now being completed by indirect descendents, and I will once more retire to a comfortable life, yet again different in a new land with new challenges. It both is the same story and it isn't. It's an epilogue and that's okay. Thank you so much for giving me the language to say this, to get it out of my head. I cannot tell you how many months I have been struggling to make meaning of a superposition. But above all, thank you for showing me that I am not alone, that like so many parts of life, I'm just living a part of the story that never gets told.

[@shinjinobrave]

21:31 holy shit that burn of Graham was merciless :D

[@haileydee9954]

What i learned from this vid is that i had a really good therapist and community around me. I never had the "what happens next" phase because from the start i was told not to make transitioning my whole life/ persona. Although i will say a lot of this was just inscrutable for me. Absurdist abstractionalism is just lost on me.

[@bronsonbronson5313]

Re the COVID discussion: As someone who continues to wear a mask in busy, indoor public spaces but lives in Florida... Woof. I felt this. When I get asked about wearing a mask I try to communicate that I'm doing it for everyone else, that I don't think I could live with myself if I accidentally got someone sick. The only way people seem to understand my reasoning is when I frame it with labor. I tell people that I don't have very much sick time at my job and then they get it. something something we live in a society.

[@incanthatus8182]

I kinda feel like medical transition is just like any other major life decision.... it might turn out great or not so great, even in the best circumstances there will probably be parts of it that are difficult and there might be regret and complications and that's just normal.

[@ghostfrequencies]

i have a hard time watching inside *because* it was a time of togetherness. in the states, covid levels are worse than they were at the beginning of the pandemic, people are dying and developing permanently disabling conditions en mass, and the attitude towards things like wearing masks or not going to large gatherings is dismissive and sometimes outright hostile. things are worse than they were when inside was released but the community is gone. new variants appeared because people stopped wearing masks, and vaccines help prevent severe illness, they don't prevent infection entirely. everyone wants to move on, but "moving on" involves pretending that covid no longer exists despite the fact that it's dangerous to everyone, not just the vulnerable. we collectively learned the things that reduce covid and protect people and it seems like everyone has collectively unlearned it. it's really difficult to hear people say that they miss the solidarity of the beginning of covid because covid is worse than ever and these same people decided they were tired of the protections and stopped doing them, which effectively bars disabled people, immunecompromised people, and the elderly from public spaces. thousands of lives are *still* on the line. all but a few people have just stopped caring about it.

[@havinagoodtime9733]

where in the world did you get the idea that COVID is worse than ever in the US? the CDC has public data on this. the hospitalization rate, death rate, and admission rate for COVID are barely a fraction of what it was in 2020 or 2021

[@saucevc8353]

Except Covid ISN'T "as bad as it was" in 2020, maybe cases are as high but deaths have decreased by literally hundreds of times, as of now the average daily Covid deaths are down to pretty much 0. Most people that are actually at risk of dying from Covid are antivaxxers. The new variants like Omicron actually cause less severe symptoms because it's more evolutionarily beneficial for viruses to not kill or hospitalize one's host. There's a certain point where the people who are made safer by quarantine are outweighed by people that would lose their livelihoods, jobs, and mental health due to an extended lockdown.

[@meetthebug]

@@havinagoodtime9733 you have to look at waste water data at this point since the infrastructure we had to accurately collect the data is gone. All a lot of places aren't requiring tests, hospitals aren't testing for covid as much, medical staff is masking even less than before the pandemic began so now covid and other infectious diseases are allowed to spread through hospitals. it's definitely worse. Less people dying, but acquiring new disabilities in a country (and world) that doesn't value disability is it's own death.

[@gregtaylor9806]

No you’re just psychotic and you miss when the world was reflecting your psychosis and normalizing it.

[@cody-chicory]

I never read "What Happens Next", yet it feels so strange to know someone that essentially is Milo. Years ago I met a transman whom was tried as an adult at 15 and convicted. Strange how almost everything is spot on about this Milo and the person I know. With a few deviation. I'm not sure I could read it as it's so close to someone I know. But I truly believe we have a problem in America with sentencing youth as adults and also not knowing what to do with someone who has served their time. I'm not sure if the comic went into it, but the way parole officers treated my friend was... horrific. Wonderful video. A great reflection! Thank you for your stories and introducing me to some great media.

[@RedMeansRecording]

Wanted to let you know the theme you bring up here of your narrative being your prison REALLY resonated with me. Thank you for this video.

[@jakerz0]

I seriously don’t have the words for how this affected me. The loss or disillusionment of narrative is such a profound and hard to articulate experience. Unmooring, coldly real, frighteningly freeing grief. As a cis het man, I can’t claim to relate to your exact experience, but as someone who has questioned, lost, and grieved many deeply formative narratives, I feel understood by this. Thank you for being such a human creator.

[@TikiShades]

Amazing. Thank you for turning me on to that webcomic, its been life-changing

[@vindicator0984]

I remember graduating high school and having a mental break down as it got closer to the end of the year. It was alot of things combined and the pressure got to me, and alot of people were concerned. I had no plans for the future and was utterly convinced that that was it. The credits would roll, I tried my hardest and that was that and now credits would roll. I had this sense of impending doom, that something would end me. Like id get hit by a truck, or contract some life ending illness that just destroyed me. Something about the fact that life just kept going, that as I went to community college I was recognized by people from High School. I felt so distant, and hallow. Still waiting from some grand finally to justify it all. Never happened. and life just continues. No credits rolling, just existing. Its really scary sometimes thinking about endings. Even when it ends it doesn't really end. Then even the ending after the ending keeps going. You think about death, then you get hungry and eat a fruit cup, and talk to friends, and go to sleep, and wake up and its just still going. Crazy how that happens isn't it.

[@lalababette]

I’ve been living milestone to milestone, convinced that once I’ve achieved them all I will be a happy and whole person. It’s only going through pregnancy loss twice and having to wait a year or more to try again that has me contemplating how to become just happy with being alive

[@emilysage3806]

This is such an amazing introspective and something we all most likely do to ourselves at some point. Having a plan with an end never sets you up for long time success.

[@beefcube2414]

I remember right after I got top surgery, I was sitting in my apartment with my boyfriend and I couldn't stop thinking about the difference between pre and post op, specifically in how close my heart was now to the outside world. I know that's a strange way to look at it, but because of the reduction of tissue around my heart I felt as though I could literally see it through the skin. I started panicking, wondering if I made a mistake and if my heart was too exposed (whatever that means). Looking back, I was clearly spiraling and anxious, and I'm extremely happy with the choice I made. It's just strange to think about.

[@_illuminette]

Good LORD the part about the transphobes hit me so hard. People tell me that I'm mutilating myself into some ugly monstrosity, but they don't actually want me to do anything about it. They just want me to die so they won't have to look at me anymore. This video was AMAZING you’re freaking brilliant and I hope your life brings you every wonderful surprise 💙💗🤍

[@jasongoestoshows]

I watched this video twice today. It's brilliant. Within the last two years, I've given a lot of thought to the tyranny of narratives and the stories I tell myself about myself. As you acknowledge, narratives can be helpful and give us something to shoot for, but I've found that nearly everything that helps me can be harmful if I'm not vigilant. For me, in terms of mental health, I've had to train myself away from telling myself stories that end in everything suddenly getting easier. I can move intentionally toward better circumstances, but it isn't a personal failure that I will always struggle. It's just not that kind of story for me. Anyway, this is a bit of a tangent on the theme, but I deeply appreciate what you did here. Thank you!

[@Palkia614]

Wow, this is the first time I've seen my specific thoughts on this concept verbalized in a way that made sense. This was kind of a hard watch in an emotional sense, but I'm glad I did-- I'm left with a kind of catharsis, knowing that someone else has struggled with the issues of life.. not stopping once you reached the satisfying conclusion. I'm a huge fan of this video, thanks for making it.

[@fablecouvrette5334]

YUUUUUSS!!! so happy to hear What Happens Next talk!!!

[@valerymarier247]

Not me turning on notifications for the premiere and then remembering I have Nebula like 10 minutes later. Great video, I've def felt the same way lately.

[@nikolasslead6582]

I also recently got to medically transition, and realized a full binary transition wasn't for me, but since coming off T (still getting top surgery; consult in March!) and getting on birth control (I am transmasculine, even if binary transition isn't for me) I've had mainly complications with my skin, allergies, and hair, which is frustrating bc I feel like I DID do what the TERFs wanted, which was go off hormones bc being on hormones kind of sucked for reasons I hadn't anticipated,and my body still betrayed me, which sucks, and is hard on my self confidence. no moral here; just related and wanted to share

[@mooo_cow]

Our queen has returned with a new vid!

[@quille9879]

The transition stuff is kind of weird for me too. Not transgender, body integrity dysphoria (BID). I find it helpful to write stories about a version of myself that did end up "transitioning" if you can call it that, about how life just kinda goes on. I haven't done anything like that and probably won't ever, there are no supports for people like me. My "best" option is to literally take a knife to myself, and I don't want that. So a big question I have for both that imagined version of myself and for myself as I am... would it be worth it? Would I feel better or worse about myself? Or would I be able to settle on just using a wheelchair as an able-bodied person? I've got a fantasy of what I'd like it to be like, that's for sure, but how feasible is my fantasy really? It's really hard to convey this to people. The easiest thing is to just do nothing and say nothing, which is more or less what I've been doing. This, at least, means I'm easy for people to tolerate.

[@whodis4097]

I imagine most people would be less intolerant of you and more just concerned upon hearing of your BID. That comes from a place of care. Are you officially diagnosed with this, or have you not pursued that?

[@quille9879]

@@whodis4097 I tried briefly, but here we use the DSM 5 and it's only recognized in the ICD-11. I had two sessions with a therapist right before covid, but it was a little expensive for me at the time and he'd never heard of BID in the first place. But even if I were formally diagnosed, what would that do? As much as it would confirm what I experience, there isn't exactly a path forward other than continue to do what I've been doing up to this point. In the absence of any other clear path, I figured I had better learn to live with myself or I'd eventually implode in a mess of repressed feelings. So I just kinda did that, figured out how to live with myself as I am. I do kind of try to be open about my BID. It's not exactly the sort of thing that comes up in everyday conversation, but whenever I feel like it's relevant I like to bring it up. I'm not sure how much to write in a youtube comment, so I'll end it here but if you're interested in more conversation I'd be open to it.

[@whodis4097]

@@quille9879 As screwy as the ICD-11 situation is, there is actually a path forwards from it. Oftentimes, cognitive behavioral therapy is used to deal with these types of situations and that could help. The practice is fairly modular so a decent therapist may be able to rig it in a way that suits your needs. Of course, therapy does have a price tag and is variably covered by insurance, so that is another matter. If writing stories and doing whatever else is helping then that may be a good strategy. You know your life better than me, so its really your call on whether you think you can manage it. If you do not think you can, at least you now know you have options.

[@blouburkette]

I think it's interesting that you took early covid as everyone feeling like they were together, when I got the impression of anything but. I tried to get groups together to work to get food, supplies, the like. I was met with utter silence. Literally no one cared or took this seriously. I knew what this was and I was prepared. People around me never wore masks unless mandated to. Literally no one gave a shit around me but my best friend. That's IT. Honestly, COVID broke the last shred of hope I had for humanity. It woke me up big time to the fact that pretty much no one (esp Gen X and boomers) care about anyone else on a human level except for some people who view those closest to them as people but everyone outside of that can get fucked. COVID taught me that even though I don't agree with the fuck you got mine mindset, it is the only way to live decent in these times.

[@pwhqngl0evzeg7z37]

Three words: Sweden

[@nothinglikeasongbird]

I really enjoy the section in the park where, after talking about the lack of narrative in the world and how we're all just part of everything, there's a collection of random people in the background of the shot just going about their lives having a day at the park and proving her point. That's genuinely really lovely.

[@someonelse2]

You put out the most thoughtful, considered work I've come across, thank you

[@ariadnavontardium9095]

Huh well it's peculiar to see the perspective of other trans people on transition, I personally see it and always did as kind of the ritual that will finally allow me to start my life, to do something, not really as an ending

[@l33machine]

Thank you for this video. I'm only on hormones and although I am eagerly awaiting top surgery, part of me wonders if I will come to regret it. And it's always possible I might. But even if I do, that it doesn't mean my life is over. I can still continue onward and find a way to express myself that still make's me happy. I will live on. And this video was a wonderful reminder and retrospective that really touched me. Like you said, I really think part of the reason this stuff is hard to talk about is because we feel inclined to this toxic positivity. That if there are any downsides/complications to our transition, it was a failure and we should be ashamed, due to the narrative around de-transitioning. Hopefully over time, we can be more frank about what challenges our life provides without the worries it will be taken as if our life is over.

[@Murkinos]

been binging all your videos lately, can't wait to see this one ❤❤

[@AmodinAM]

Stumbled upon this video via the most random algo-rec and I am really happy I did. It offers a fruitful inspection of narratological thought with implications both artistic and personal. I dont necessarily agree with it all personally but it is so clearly not a problem. Just an opportunity to think about creation, thought and experience through the vehicles of independent art I never heard about in a messy Saturday noon. Good things do happen. Thank you!

[@cometogether]

Stories are powerful in that they can give our lives meaning. Yet too often we become too entrenched in our stories: living to see them play out and unable to see alternative futures. Stories can and should be things we choose, that serve our agency rather than detract from it. Endings being fascist is very connected to the idea of linearity, and to linear narratives of history. These narratives do end up disemboweling us, posing that all that is real is a natural consequence of what has come before, and it can be no other way. But things are more complicated than that. True history, true life, is cobbling together a narrative that didn't already exist and using that narrative to facilitate positive change we can believe in. Great video btw

[@Spiritwhisperer11]

I hadn't heard of Barber Westchester before watching this video, but I immediately watched it before returning here. It immediately made me think of a Mountain Goats song called Bell Swamp Connection, which Ive been listening to a lot recently. It's a related feeling, being bogged down by how complex and terrifying the world is and trying to escape that feeling-- trying to find yourself in the midst of all the confusion, distress and pressure. I've been out of the closet as nonbinary/transmasc for almost 9 years, but I'm only now starting any type of medical transition. This is due to a lot of factors, but chiefly an overwhelming fear that I'm "faking" being trans and will regret medically transitioning in some way. I am also still masking and taking safety precautions, which is a weird place to sit while the rest of the world has seemingly moved on and hardly anyone is informed on the pandemic anymore. COVID (quarantine) is part of why I decided to transition medically, removed from society without any eyes or judgment on me, I realized I'd be so much happier taking T. I had to remove myself from the narrative in order to find myself and in order to be happy. I had to stop worrying about how I appear and focus on who I am and what I want outside of what I look like or how others see me. I think I will spend my life trying to remove myself from the narrative and just live, mostly because humans are narrative creatures. I am trying to sit with just existing and allowing change instead of trying to be in control of everything. I have tried to control my narrative my whole life, maybe I have to let go and accept that life is going to keep being hard and crazy, I have to focus on the moments in between.

[@bpblitz]

So much of what you discuss (I'm only 23 minutes in, so maybe you addess this) revolves around the way language shapes the way we think about things. Without the proper language we lack insight in to how we see or feel about things, which I feel a lot. It's been on my mind way too often the last three years. Of how simply discovering the language we use around being transgender has even allowed me to process and acknowledge things I've felt for years. And it seems like when we don't have that language, then the easy answer is to create it. But more often than not, we're simply unable to precisely because we struggle to articulate those feelings or thoughts. We cannot invent the language because we do not have the language.

[@quinnstraught9636]

What a timely video to be suggested, two days after my first appointment at the gender clinic in the city, and the day I finished a project that’s occupied my life for the past few months or so. I was going to write a long, deeply personal treatise about how nothing IS a blessing or something, but I think I’ll be healthier if I don’t. Coincidences are weird and I think it’s better to not try and make sense of them (though it’s not much of a coincidence, I’m subscribed to your channel and it’s a recent video, one that is doing fairly well by my count). Life itself, just sitting here and existing, is just,, kinda boring, and I’d rather occupy it with things I enjoy, continually, until I die. Not in a consumerist way, just like, having a hobby (mindfulness and healing yourself is a GREAT hobby, one that I SHOULD look into more) and finding the drive to keep existing, which is itself part of the fun imo, doing the thing and liking it and liking liking it and liking all the other things you like. It’s not like it’s over yet. Ciao.

[@quinnstraught9636]

Also the project was reading Crafting Interpreters by Robert Nystrom and implementing the interpreters described. Thought I’d mention it because I enjoyed the book and others might too, it’s free online.

[@darkacadpresenceinblood]

this was so beautiful! i'm at a point in my life that i defined for myself this way, and for the most part it's so exciting because oh my god is this what it feels like to be *free* holy shit, but it's also scary because i've gotten way too attached to the version of myself i used to be and the story she was the protagonist of. a lot of letting go has been learning to trust myself, because i've found that the scariest part about the unknown is not trusting yourself to be able to handle whatever comes your way. my relationship with myself is now so trusting and gentle and loving and *forgiving* that i know no matter what happens, i'll be kind to myself and we'll figure it out together - me and the girl in the mirror. it makes the future so much less scary and much more bearable, and this ending a lot more like a new beginning of a road i'm going to walk with myself as my best friend.

[@redringrico999]

it's hard out here being immunocompromised and trying to keep myself protected without losing literally all community, i'm already a bit of a freak and continuing to mask gets a lot of weird looks. thanks for saying you still do, honestly, it's disheartening how many supposed leftists have quit caring

[@allcapsoff]

that comic was beautiful to read so glad i could get a good reccomendation

[@Scinasari]

Wonderful video as always! I love your ability to tie together stories and concepts that have small but crucial uniting features and make something beautiful that's even bigger than the sum of its parts.

[@ccherry.berryy]

Timestamp to avoid spoilers: *29:18* (she said 29:16 but in my experience there is kinda bombshell in the last few seconds that I feel like is too insane to get spoiled)

[@AnnaBenIsrael]

I started transitioning in my 40s so like that 20-years-old ideal is not in the cards and I'm happy with whatever change my body is capable of and the fact that it's doing at least some growth and not just the usual stuff bodies are doing at this age. On the other hand I have spent my best years not being my best self. I still have time to change stuff but the feeling is there. Oh well...

[@ophiolatrix]

Actually relating hard to this. Lockdown hit during my last semester of college, and I always thought my life would be graduate college, get a job with my degree, and then move out and move somewhere more exciting where I could maybe start a relationship. Approximately none of that happened; I did get a job, but I was hired back at the place I was interning at during school instead of getting something relevant to my education. I still live with my parents in the small town I grew up in. I've been thinking "things are hard for everybody right now, things will be all over once the lockdowns end and the virus gets taken care of and then I'll pick my life back up" but it's been 3 years and none of that happened. I'm starting to think it's not about waiting for things to be over or happen, but I guess to just pick myself up and figure out where to go from here. As someone who has also been ravenously reading What Happens Next, I frequently worry I'm a lot like Milo. I worry about being stunted for still living with my parents and how most of my social life is online and how I have some "childish" interests and struggle with regulating my emotions or handling my mental health. I've been like "no, I'm not, I try to take accountability for my actions and I'm not an accomplice to murder" but I'm starting to wonder if it's true, and if what I previously blamed on lockdown is actually a hell of my own making. I'm also feeling like Barber Westchester, back to the job thing. I went to school for illustration, and I feel like it's been hard not just for me but for everybody to land a gig, and it's only gotten worse with the fight against AI art. It makes me wonder how I can compete or if it was worth it to work hard for a degree when some tech adopter with a machine can churn out a piece (often a piece that would've been torn to shreds in a class critique, but excused due to the novelty of the process) and get hired over not just me but people with even better skill. It makes me think and feel a lot of bad things. But that's not the be-all end-all of life, is it? And maybe things won't be so bad if my current life isn't what I thought it would be. I'm still miserable and still not anywhere near where I want to be, but I guess we can't set expectations for what things are "supposed" to be.

[@AnnaCatherineB]

So heartbreaking. Makes me wonder what is wrong with us. It feels like covid, information about it, legal and medical prevention and care, discourse was a fad? Its still here. We arent talking about it. News is not about facts, but about what will sell, whats popular...

[@zoem3340]

if i had a nickel for every time I quoted a Lily Alexandre video for a college essay, id have two nickles. which isnt a lot, but its weird that its happened twice lol

[@xghrawtime]

As a young lost tgirl I really love your stuff

[@rfurthegamer3412]

Mall bat is cool

[@xghrawtime]

@@rfurthegamer3412 yeah she is!

[@johnmhuizar]

Fantastic video. And thanks for introducing me to this great comic. It reminds me a bit of the show Rectify, which is one of my favorite series ever.

[@Tuvabaluba]

Ok LOVE the title. Cannot wait, will go watch on nebula now

[@noneurbusiness2976]

i like the idea that my story isn’t working because i have grown into a new one

[@MiriamArany]

At 36:21 there's a small animal that runs by in the background and I just think that's sweet.

[@catoboros]

If you think that squirrel was sweet, you would love the squirrel that was in the early access Patreon version (35:57-36:06) but was cut from the final version (same audio but different video). It enters from the left and slowly runs the whole width of the screen, not more than three metres behind Lily. I thought it was adorable and magical and a great example of one of those random interactions Lily describes in the video. Please @lily_lxndr bring back the squirrel! An out-take video would be fine if you do not want the squirrel distracting from your message. That beautiful moment deserves to be shared with the world.

[@cory99998]

Disengaging from the narrative is a beautiful lesson. Sometimes good stuff happens, sometimes bad. Sometimes a lot of nothing happens. Sometimes we should just roll it. My journey is similar, I left home at a young age to pursue a career as well and did pretty good, but not as good as I had hoped. One day I realized that even if I achieved it, I would be unsatisfied with the result and wouldn't have a life worth living since all of my efforts were in this one direction. When I realized I wanted to transition, I realized that I would happily give up all career progress and skills and be just a normal everyday person if it meant that I could be myself and connect with people that mattered to me. I finally realized I would be okay doing nothing at all and spending time with close ones. This realization was liberating, the weight of ideals and expectations dropped almost entirely. Whats funny is that I'm doing my best work now that I dont feel tied to who I'm "supposed to be" and it comes much more effortlessly. Even better is that the work benefits humanity in small ways and I can feel good about what I'm doing.

[@obsideonstar7677]

I might add addendums to this later, but I wanted to share a piece of wisdom I picked out of one my many existential crisis during my teenage years: make your goals the journey, not a destination. In the space of transition I can't speak from personal experience, but I can say what that wisdom looks like in action. Instead of viewing any particular point in transition, hormones, surgery, or otherwise, as an end point, view them as notable locations and moments on the journey to becoming your true gender, because the real goal is living that life with all the positives and negatives that comes with, not physical elements that speak to it.

[@Mozzarellapumpkin]

As someone who is life is incomplete disarray watching this feels illegal. It’s like watching a tutorial for a part of the video game. I’m not even to yet.

[@rykaro69]

JONNI PHILLIPS MENTIONED

[@warren9583]

Found this video through the comments of What Happens Next, and it's a very good one. Hadn't made the big connection about endings you did but when I look around, they're everywhere.

[@poochy]

Amazing thumbnail 10/10. Tbh I agree with the filmmaker, I think the justification of cruelty and disregard on the basis of personal success is one of the biggest issues we face, at least where I live

[@gaynebula6439]

In all my years viewing video essays online, this is one of the most profound I've ever watched. It's given me so much to think about, and I'd go so far as to say it's changed my life. Firstly, because I also have a set of transition related medical complications, which have thrown off my sense of a linear transition timeline, compounded by a drastic shift in my career goals as I entered adulthood. Your analysis has given me a bright spark of hope my uncertain future has needed for a long time. And secondly, by introducing me to What Happens Next. It's such a pristine portrayal of trying to find connection or hope in the nihilism and anxiety of a life wherein violence is normalised. While the specific experiences of its characters differ from mine, it speaks to the darkness that I grew up around in a movingly grounded way- the survivors guilt, the excruciating feelings of self blame and complicity I've always wrestled with, and the often self-defeating nature of striving to change the world in the wake of violence against yourself or loved ones. Even though it's not yet complete, it's given me a new perspective on the nightmare of my adolescence, and I can't quite put into words the emotions I feel after reading it. Thank you for this beautiful video, and for introducing me to this comic. I didn't expect to be so moved today, but I'm grateful to have experienced this. I hope you're doing well.

[@rosegiacomini260]

I feel a connection to your conclusion. I've gotten onto more trauma based therapy that asks me to narrativize my life, or if I'm more forgiving challenge the narrative of my life. Unfortunately this has put me in a weird place in my head, where the person I wanted to be is the person I am now more or less. I did it. I won. Hero's Journey complete. Now what? Do I make a new person to become and try that? Who does that look like? Is the person I wanted to be back then even that good a person to become at all if I have to keep recreating them? What happens next? I think I needed to hear that that's okay.

[@jasonmp85]

Watching this after the sludge video essay in which you state the videos are like “joylessly waiting around with no payoff” is a bit of a whiplash, I think. Purpose and direction are nice, I guess. But sometimes there isn’t a marker on the horizon, and you keep going anyways.

[@amalgamidol]

i'm in a turning point of my life right now; covid locked me out of getting treatment for my mental woes for years. it locked me out of being independent until next year. i'm still recovering but i'm on the way out. this video brings some peace to the internal conflict i've been fighting during all this. thank you

[@ricperry8743]

This is like an awakening to the nature of abduction, "inference to the best explanation," or theory/storytelling.