Treating Perfectionism: 3 Therapy Strategies

In this video I talk about the 'tyranny' of perfectionism, and I share three things I did to help a client (I've called her 'Sandy') beat the perfectionism that had ruined her life.
www.unk.com/blog/treating-per...
++About Mark Tyrrell++
Psychology is my passion. I've been a psychotherapist trainer since 1998, specializing in brief, solution focused approaches. I now teach practitioners all over the world via our online courses. More about me here: www.unk.com/blog/about-mark-t...
++Social channels++
Facebook (practitioners):
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0:00 Introduction
3:25 'What's wrong with having high standards?'
5:02 The Tyranny of Perfectionism
6:19 Tip 1. Describe the Pattern
7:32 Tip 2. Encourage a wider context
9:10 Tip 3. Encourage downtime

[@imalyfetty5651]

i procrastinate so much because i’m to scared to start stuff because i’m afraid of not finishing it or not finishing it right

[@megbertch138]

I have lost many jobs due to that very same thing. It takes me way too long to complete anything. If I make even one mistake, I start all over.

[@1biutza]

Did you ever think that you procrastinate because subconsciously, when you fail or finish pourly a task, you can blame it on not having enough time, not on your capacity of doing it, it's a protection mechanism, you self sabotage to never know how good or bad you could be

[@megbertch138]

@@1biutza that is true. Not always, but it’s not uncommon. It’s on a subconscious level though. I hadn’t thought about that until I read your comment.

[@MrRaja147]

Bro same, any better?

[@imhenotic]

Let me reframe that, may be you are afraid of STARTING something, becouse you DON'T KNOW how is it going to end, and thats a scary feeling. You can't be afraid of something you don't know is going to happen or how will it develop, unless you think that its certainly happening that way, but no one knows the future rigth? So the problem might be that you are certainly cathastrophic about something you really don't know, the only way of knowing the outcome is to start doing it and see were it takes you. Failure is just another part of the "doing" process, and also a necessary and important part, and if you don't finish what you aimed for, I'm sure you learned a lot of things in the way. What's the point of an utopia? If you walk 10 steps foward and try to arrive at it, the utopia then will be 10 steps further, no matter how many steps you advance, it then will be 10 steps further. So what's the point of an utopia? The point of an utopia is not to reach it, is to walk towards it. Big hug.

[@weltschmertzz]

Try being a perfectionist and a failure at the same time. It's miserable. My parents used to hit me whenever I did the tiniest mistakes and now I can't shake off the feeling of dread whenever I make mistakes. Now 29 y/o, I'm unemployed and relying on a relative for shelter. Life's a treat.

[@ultravioletpisces3666]

Perfectionists always feel like a failure because we are never good enough bu pur own standards.

[@ultravioletpisces3666]

Ironically, you'll do better for yourself if you stop trying to be perfect. "Progress not perfection."

[@Heaveaway23]

@@ultravioletpisces3666 i can tell my brain this all i want and i tell myself just be myself and not worry about the little things you arent good at , but still i feel thatway

[@treasalynam8940]

You poor thing, I hope you find lots of help and 💖💗💖💗💖💗💖💗💖💗💖💗💖💗💖💗💖💗💖💗

[@TAFProductions]

I feel u bro 🥺

[@menace2societies]

I get stressed when things don’t go on my expectations because I tryna be making it perfect.

[@Heaveaway23]

i get bad anxiety when i feel like im not my best and then i get depressed anything that ifeel isnt perfect to me makes me feel like shit

[@zoeyx777]

@@Heaveaway23 me too every single day of my life 😔

[@btwitsarnav]

How did you guys fix it?

[@user-bu2mn3js9v]

1) Describe the pattern 2) Encourage a wider context The point of a competition isn't only to win 3) Encourage downtime 4) Become comfortable with not succeeding Admit your failures

[@leahmay1506]

Even though this list may be useful to cut to the chase, I encourage viewers to watch the entire video to get the full context, which is far more enlightening IMO!

[@anber4129]

accurate! my mother was very hard on me as a child and withdrew love all the time (she resented me because of my resemblance to my father). unlike my little sisters (who she still did not treat so well), i never received praise or love. everything i did was never good enough just because i resembled my father. as i started growing up, my mother became attached to certain traits i possessed (stoic, emotionless, high pain tolerance, intelligence, charismatic, gentle, friendly, easy going) and i slowly became more of an object instead of her daughter (sometimes she would even address my sisters as her girls but leave me out). she loves my abilities and still fails to see me fully as a human daughter. if i am not the very best, i am nothing. my sisters can be anything -fat, skinny, failures, successful but me, I have to be the absolute best. i have to be what my father could never be.

[@robertgarland5012]

I related to this almost word for word. It would be fantastic to have a more in-depth description of each strategy - similar to the "3 Instantly Calming CBT Techniques For Anxiety" video. I had a flare-up of anxiety recently and your videos have made an instant impact, thank you!

[@tushermyth]

Exactly, even I found it quite relatable

[@moon_moodlet]

This sounds exactly like me, crippled daily by excessive black-and-white thinking. I'm near housebound out of fear of failing in the outside world and can't seem to justify doing anything except cleaning or being bogged down by rituals concerning order. It is exhausting and very lonely.

[@Assasine86]

How are you now? Hope you found/find the courage to try something new 'just for fun'. I know its not easy to get out of that kind of thinking, but you are valuable and worth the effort!

[@BabyandLittleGuy]

KV, posting this means you care about yourself. Please continue this self-love. Find solutions. Just looking for professional resources on this channel and others like it, and even getting one-on-one or group help, will take you to a path of happiness and self-care. You are so worth it! 😀💙

[@doppss]

any update 2 years later?

[@monikap8777]

I listen to your videos before sleep. These are my favorite bedtime stories... They always have happy ending 😊

[@abidazam4501]

Very valuable insights! It strikes me that the client you described had what I'd call "generalized perfectionism"; which involved not only expectations for others to be perfect but also for her to be perfect in all aspects of her life. While challenging to work with, in a sense it makes it easier to use exposure exercises such as the one you described towards the end because this person also cared about "doing therapy perfectly". I work with lots of young adults who have what I call "academic perfectionism". They see their self worth largely tied in to their academic performance, to the neglect of other areas. The prospect of doing an academic task less than perfectly is petrifying to them, and they'd rather keep doing what they're doing than invest in therapy.

[@stickydude8921]

Listening to this makes me all teary. I'm a 3D artist and I constantly overthink what I do, even when I'm done with my work and I feel like it's not enough and constantly analyze what I should have done better and want to keep improving it endlessly. The worst part is that even when I can't really pick on anything, I still feel guilty because I can't stop thinking that I should have done better. It turned something I love into something that ruins my life and fills me with anxiety. The better I get at what I do and the more successful I am the worse my perfectionism becomes :-(

[@whitneyshea8580]

Have you been able to find a therapist to help/work with you?

[@stickydude8921]

@@whitneyshea8580 I tried once but it was going nowhere and not helping, if anything I just felt worse about my situation. I hate myself so much because I am aware that the problem is just in my head and I can't control it.

[@whitneyshea8580]

sdude Sometimes it takes time to find the right fit when it comes to therapy; you should definitely give it a go again!

[@sleepingturtle32]

Same, do u have this problem as well? So whenever my mouse is not positioned right in line with my keyboard horizontally it annoys me sooo much, pls help

[@awadoo4503]

I love this guy. He's really knowledgeable!

[@ramidaoud3776]

I will share this video with my psychiatrist because I could not find even a subtle difference between me and Sandy

[@BabyandLittleGuy]

Mark, your strategies were very helpful. The points covered about perfectionism were excellent. You communicated so much insightful information in a brief span of time. People from all walks of life are afflicted with perfectionism. Normal mistakes begin to feel like failure, and continue unabated until they become automatic. I know personally that perfectionism leads to rigidity. Thank you for this excellent information.

[@sumeetjain9075]

I never thought I'd learn about myself so much in 12 minutes. Thank-you!

[@spinnettdesigns]

So great…I immediately shared this with a young person who was abused. It’s “perfect” for understanding humanity. Thank you so much for this and other of your helpful videos.

[@AKumarKumarKumar]

This was such a useful video for so many people who may not even had known that they suffered from perfectionisms tyranny. Would be wonderful if there was more info-vids on Perfectionism

[@Bambim8]

XD The responses you had in your head made me think of what my therapists thinks of me and it must be funny.

[@cobalius]

Well i always thought professionals would have normal thoughts but are professional enough to handle them

[@abubakarsadiqbilyamin7173]

This guy's vibe is so calming 🥺

[@felixhenson9926]

I'm paralysed by perfection. I don't start and do the things I want to do because if I don't start I won't make mistakes or show people something that just isn't good. I'm not perfect, and nobody around me is, but my head HATES that, I'm not fun to be around bc I'm judgmental of their mistakes bc I KNOW what they and I are meant to be doing but I rarely achieve those things myself. So I just get caught in a spiral of hating myself bc I'm so bad at everything. I don't know how to escape this mindset.

[@theswcoaching]

Hey Felix, I'm sorry to read your comment. I hope you find a way to get out of that.

[@felixhenson9926]

@@theswcoaching Thank you for your sympathy, me too.

[@Heaveaway23]

@@felixhenson9926 im the same way , when you said my brain hates the fact that we arent perfect, when rationally we should be able to love ourselves regardless of what we think our flaws are even if they arent flaws

[@Heaveaway23]

@@felixhenson9926 and also when we try to be perfect we live up to such an unattainable standard that we feel bad when we dont attain it

[@marial3231]

This was incredibly presented with phenomenal content. As someone who speaks to myself in such a way that I would never use the same tone even on my worst enemy it often makes me sad to stand back and reflect how incredibly mean and almost psychologically violence I can be on myself. I’ve often wondered and many moments of quiet desperation how I can possibly love myself. Indeed I am not even so critical of others as Sandy was actually I take that back I absolutely am critical of others for very silly things but they are quite different than the notion that they are stupid I don’t think anybody is stupid. It’s our misperception of reality that causes us to behave and think the way we do and that’s what I’ve learned. This lecture was extremely important the way he verbalized the various misperceptions especially the tyrant of the south is absolutely spot on and some thing I will think about through the whole day and also I really appreciate how he did the thought of living in a world that it was perfect and how Sandy saw that that it would be hell. This leaves me with a lot of food for thought. You are the type of psychologist that money can’t buy I have seen very expensive ones in cheaper ones and it doesn’t seem like price is always consistent with quality. Sometimes you just have to be lucky.

[@facundomiranda3391]

Im Sandy.....and i know i have to change my all or nothing thinking. Thanks a lot for this gem! im gonna use what i learn in this video.

[@r011ing_thunder6]

you're actually her? holy guacamole

[@facundomiranda3391]

@@r011ing_thunder6 no... It's an expression.

[@r011ing_thunder6]

@@facundomiranda3391 oh i just thought you identified yourself as sandy so i.

[@bigol7169]

Your advice is just as valuable to laymen as it is to practitioners ❤️ thank you Mark

[@easternsecrecy9777]

I received so much good information from this video. Thank you for making it.

[@leahmay1506]

I would love a therapy session specifically with you, Sir! What a great video with such valuable information!

[@jessicadreamtime2479]

Thanks for this. Your intro made me laugh. You are skillful with words. I love your stories and find the tips useful. I'm always looking for ways to help get clients out of the analytical mind into their bodies. This was helpful. Much appreciated

[@abubakarsadiqbilyamin7173]

My experience is completely avoiding things I love but would fail it. I thought perfectionist were people who had high standards for themselves. I didn't know it came in different flavours.

[@watchingworm]

You’re a great storyteller! And I recognise myself in Sandy a whole lot. My therapist helps me to apply the same type of lessons. This video helped me to see that I need some kind of place where I allow grey thinking for myself (and others).

[@rachel14rod]

This helped so much.God bless you!❤️

[@LorissaNelson]

Wow. Thank you for this.

[@younesel]

So eloquently told!

[@devanshi8248]

Thankyou so much for putting this vdideo on KZbin. I didn't know that all my problems reside at one place called perfectionism.

[@xamaranto]

This was so helpful - thanks so much

[@bevarnold4945]

This was really well put together and useful, Mark.

[@Khalikhalzit]

You speak about "what's-the-point-ism" around 08:50, and to rephrase, it could be seen as forced pragmatism inherent to perfectionism. When you mentioned needing a purpose for doing anything, even something simple like going for a walk, it was a revelation. I'm exactly the same way; you must not do anything unless there is a practical reason for doing so. That means you're miserable and can't even enjoy your down time. There is no down time, really; life is just long string of exercises that must be completed, skills that must be mattered. Playing video games? No, you're "training hand-eye coordination." Practising an instrument? No, it's "getting skilled enough to earn paying gigs."

[@pmbluemoon]

WONDERFUL video, I have so many people who have these symptoms. Thank you for the extra steps to help!

[@naemasufi]

Another gem Mark.

[@jackhession7057]

Well done Sandy!

[@AledaBoyd]

Now I finally understand why it's really tiring being me

[@ashleighmurton8145]

This is amazing!

[@omprakashbedekar3094]

Superb !

[@deanneharrall1241]

That was very deep and encouraging, I’ll take a different view when I make a mistake “I’m human hurray” thank you.

[@damienhunt4264]

Always excellent

[@dashnlittlest]

I find your vdos very interesting and helpful. I just wished this vdo was a bit longer and more descriptive , just like your vdos of 6 techniques to reduce anxiety

[@nonameless2]

"It's lonely being perfect, especially when you're not" OOOOOF can I quote you on that?

[@jkg2088]

- Do you ever feel stupid or do you feel others are? - Do you have all or nothing, extremist, black and white attitude? - If someone says the wrong thing I’m done with them? -Do you feel peoples imperfectionism has negative connotations? - Do you push people away? - Ever have thoughts of hurry up you or hurry up me, I’m so behind compare to so and so? Things could feel like a race. It’s about being human and humane. - Research shows people like you more when you make mistakes. *Resistant candle flame became a beam of warmth * (That’s quite the metaphor 😮❤). Feeling like you need to present like an onion metaphorically - thinking all the layers are holding you together when they are elements of shame, guilt, under-confidence, comparisons to others whether it be in relation to work.

[@AshleyEmpowers]

This video BLESSED me!!!! Wow!!!! Thank you so much

[@lindadunn8787]

Thank you.

[@mindfulmatters3856]

Thank you

[@blacknoir4131]

Having a world of perfection is not cold or boring. I wish people did things on time and strived for perfection. We'd all be less stressed because those of us that take pride in achieving our goals, won't feel the need to control everything because we can trust someone else to help. The problem is some people aren't capable because they don't strive for perfection. Perfection isn't a problem, the problem is finding balance in an imperfect world filled with mediocre people with no sense of urgency.

[@spice8831]

Yr very good.. You are obviously highly emotionally intelligent to really see the person threw her own eyes before establishing how to offer your guidance. No cookie cutter therapy here lol. No it’s great stuff and I’m enjoying yr videos. It’s like a smorgasbord of EI development from my end tonight.. wisdom is just so jucy!!

[@faresmejdi5216]

I'm here because i'm struggling to start a task i'm so frightened i wouldn't be able to do it perfectly! and it happens every single week! and i always prepare the task ( a course) and then deliver it and everything goes well even super well, and my class is the most attended one compared to other classes, and i still dont learn and get stuck again every week in anxiety and fear of starting the work !! that i even contemplate the idea of quitting the job!

[@bloqueado]

I wish I could have such a good therapist

[@theswcoaching]

I really enjoyed listning to this, thank you.

[@21lessons56]

I went from being a Salafi to a Social Justice warrior. Nothing changed, I keep losing interest in everything, the world is so imperfect. Thanks a lot for the video doc. Now I am able to diagnose my real issue, I started playing football which I left 10 years ago thinking I won't be able to cut into top European football clubs. I find immense pleasure after playing football. You don't need to be no1 at everything in your life.

[@fatimamarsden7879]

Perfect! :)

[@candokuyucu7557]

Here is me watching this video because I realized I need stuff changed in my life. My work has been very stressful and it lead me to a point where I think I got IBS. Trying to make things better or even perfect in every field possible lead me to where I am right now. I work, thinking this or that could be better or I play a computer game and think that I could be better at it or even best. Trying to manipulate myself to do the ultimate. Well, here is a piece of advice, listen to this guy, then go back to whatever it is you are doing and do just enough. Can you not? Then next time or next or the other time. It is not such a terrible thing. Be a little less harsh on yourself.

[@rachel14rod]

That's good advice. I'll do that ❤️

[@stacilamb6454]

Incredible insight!

[@SemNikit]

Very useful advice! Thank you!

[@ladyesther]

I enjoyed this video Mark. I would like to know if you have more information related to perfectionism and religious upbringing. I believe I struggle with a level of perfectionism. Thank you.

[@tommyv1262]

Perfect video for me.Thanks

[@perplexiglas1]

Hahaha good one

[@itsbiancagabriel]

Alright, I'll try it!

[@leeannmansfield5254]

That was fantastically worded...Talking about how she messed up but it brought laughter....THIS IS A NEW WORLD NOW....

[@eloise-mariebamford1737]

You really got me reflecting on the fact that I have perfectionism around the fact I’m not being a perfectionist enough

[@rlabarbera]

You should be a poet. You speak so beautifully and poetically....I love all the imagery you create with your words!!

[@Kraggis93]

This is awesome. Thank you!

[@tatianahawaii13]

Very useful. Thank you

[@janedoe7251]

Thank you for the important information. :)

[@15thTimeLord]

i do feel like I miss the metric for other people's standards, and thus keep pushing my own. I am not successful, but I cannot tell if I am incapable or what is asked of me is unreasonable. I cannot see what is the average or expected anymore. Thoughts?

[@kevinmorley4924]

Brilliant work Mark!

[@Fate2024]

Im slipping into that and I wouldn't like myself as a rigid dragonlady even tho it's everything I wished myself to become when I was younger, I think im finally learning to put boundaries and not be afraid of others but let's hope it wouldn't be by becoming scary

[@lumwong7237]

I thought It was just ocd beating me up….I don’t even know it was my perfectionism too 😊

[@itsaaronlolz]

ever since i was little i’ve always been all or nothing. i didn’t want to share my candy, i didn’t want the cheaper alternatives. i’d rather have nothing than half a candy or a cheap imitation. i don’t see it as a flaw. just makes life harder to get the good stuff. i’m also derpy so i get distracted easily lol. 🥺🤣

[@Kiwicitobaby]

Although my art is not perfect, I try to maintain an aesthetic. And it basically keeps me happy, howeverI recently discovered that seeing disproportionated art that belongs to someone else, not only makes me anxious but also makes me wanna hurt myself :/

[@cherylwhitney2591]

Thank you. I took notes because I am currently in therapy and this knowledge has moved me forward😊🐸😊

[@aerodylluk2543]

If my perfectionism had a body it would be Godzilla. I am a textbook case on steroids. My therapist has been working on this with me but this video really helped me.

[@manavmishra6900]

sir can you help me out? i am a 25 year old male and my father is perfectionist , a little too much, he gets irritated even if a small thing go here and there , he also have problem of acute pessimism , he always think the negative side of the story and it is really hard to make him understand that because he quote"be ready for the worst always"......Can you please tell me what therapy i should watch? because he is pretty adamant and he thinks that consulting would mean he is mentally challenged

[@Mlpl397]

Great humble brag: I arrived a daily early for Mensa

[@mi1253]

I hate being a perfectionist, nothing feels good if I don't do it the way I want to, I get obsessed over stuff that almost don't matter and I hate it sm

[@laurieanderson2003]

This was so helpful! What a cute story! ❤

[@nbj6284]

Thank you so much about this, the feeling people ur failures seems like such a freeing one.

[@rishabhb4800]

These 12 minutes struck a chord with me completely.

[@treasalynam8940]

I've only watched 2 of your videos and I LOVE YOU XXXX

[@juanignaciox_]

Thank you so much 😊

[@kamarpreet]

I relate to a lot of what you said! Thank you!

[@Lit_curator]

I came here to beat perfectionism, ended having beaten it and my vocabulary tests simultaneously!

[@hannahblu8205]

Thank you so much !

[@ghostinthenetworks662]

Great videos

[@Mintfxs316_]

I have got same thing Its ruining the joys of my life and even make me lose my academic year💔...

[@sneakerbabeful]

I'm so much like Sandy, and feel much the same way.

[@sleepingturtle32]

Does anyone else have this problem? So I use a computer a lot, and I get really annoyed when my mouse is not perfectly in line with my keyboard horizontally.... It is sooo annoying, pls help

[@atharvakarandikar441]

I think u have something called as OCD, obsessive compulsive disorder. U should get some councelling sessions for yourself

[@sleepingturtle32]

@@atharvakarandikar441 ok thanks so much

[@maryw4659]

Wow I am Sandy… I need to learn to switch off 😅

[@Nazeus]

Is it normal to preform worse at a skill if you’re overthinking your mistakes??

[@svigosparis101]

This is everything I go through

[@voltaire8183]

I didn’t get the strategies

[@greenman6936]

It's a curse!! Great video 👍👍👍

[@syria5796]

How to treat perfectionism related to having a good looking wife ? Any answers? Please..

[@locoboy1109]

Oh my. It was like looking at my self in the mirror. HOW IS THAT EVEN POSSIBLE!

[@Chic.Geek75]

describing me to the t

[@RyanAmero]

330....5....530xx....610...830....940...

[@thebleakoverview4227]

Wow. This is me to the T.