Classic Kermode: The Da Vinci Code

My favorite Kermodean rant of all-time.

[@BimblorBingus]

"I'm not a film" - Mark Kermode

[@whatchachattin]

this is my favourite comment in the history of youtube

[@FranzSanchez-ky9up]

All these years later and this is still one of his best rants ; I remember listening to this after coming back from the cinema on opening day and it felt truly cathartic.

[@morrossey]

haha first sentence: "...the long-awaited and just plain long..."

[@abcun17]

The bit about Paul Bethany playing Darth Maul finished me...😂

[@thiscorrosion900]

yep, complete with the bad colored contacts. Nothing says dedicated fanatic Catholic ascetic like demon contacts.

[@abcun17]

@@thiscorrosion900 Ah well then he played Vision…now after “WandaVision” he is White Vision…hmmm kinda matches the character he was playing in “The Da Vinci Code”. Meanwhile Darth Maul has become one of the most popular characters in “Star Wars”…one I wouldn’t seeing more of…LOL…

[@thiscorrosion900]

abcun17 ahh, the irony!

[@abcun17]

@@thiscorrosion900 LOL

[@butterflymuppet]

The bit where he talks about his head departing the building and his hair reeling in horror from Tom Hanks' haircut has me in fits of laughter every single time.

[@B1_66ER]

0:55 Kermode: *reads page 28*, Kermode: *reads page 29*, Kermode: *reads page 30* [Hurls book across the room]

[@bobshelley2752]

Outstanding. I have been watching some of Mark's reviews since finding this site......He is funny, witty, concise, and just about the best thing I have seen since Siskel and Ebert (emphasis on Roger's talents) very many years ago. I have seen these movies and am astounded at how good Mark is at describing them. What a treat. Thank you, Mr. K. Bob Shelley, Houston, Tx

[@JSYBen]

True story, just as Mark shouts 'TURN THE LIGHT ON', my laptop actually cut off and wouldn't turn back on :D A Kermodian rant killed my laptop :D

[@antitroll890]

haha brilliant

[@CyborgCollective]

THERE...ARE...FOUR...LIGHTS!!!

[@crypticslayer1501]

Paul Bettany."The accent that he's doing makes you think that he should be bringing you some more garlic bread with that sir". LOL.

[@ZemplinTemplar]

X-D

[@barbarakirk3064]

'And a waffer-thin mint?'

[@peterwoodhouse4314]

M.K.: "Stop talking so much!"; S.M.: "-That's a bit rich."

[@ashpool2197]

I love how Mark runs out of steam when attempting to big up Ron Howard's directorial achievements

[@DoncoEntAgain]

He made some good films in the years after Da Vinci Code, namely Frost/Nixon and Rush.

[@IsaacRabinovitch]

Heh. I didn't hate this movie, but I didn't enjoy it nearly as much as I enjoyed listening to Kermode hate it.

[@jeffthompson9622]

I second that!

[@twobyfour]

Mark when angry is like a Nirvana song....loud, quiet, loud, quiet, loud, quiet, disappointed.TDC is still unwatchable though. Exposition frenzy.

[@eddyreyes4884]

"Turn the lights on!!!!!"... my speakers trembled, I freak out... but it's ok, I love this review... hated the book, hated the film, and I'm an atheist...

[@TrequartistaFM]

You don't help the stereotype about atheists telling everyone they're atheists do you.

[@MasterBagnall]

***** as an atheist I'm inclined to agree.

[@polus2494]

@@TrequartistaFM The subject matter is a book/film about religion. Bringing up one's beliefs or non-beliefs in this context is fine

[@RossKempOnYourMum01]

I remember seeing Paul Bettany interviewed live from Cannes on GMTV and he spontaneously burst out laughing when describing the character he was playing in The Da Vinci Code

[@thiscorrosion900]

Best character in the movie: he realizes, too late of course, that he's a total vessel himself, and dupe and has been all along. The perfect malleable fool.

[@Vicivic1404]

Can I find that interview somewhere on KZbin ? :)

[@DanielMumby]

"TURN THE LIGHT ON!" F***king hilarious, thanks for posting this up

[@oldfashionedguy1368]

''TURN THE LIGHT ON!!!!'' That's a classic rant to wake the neighbours up. 😂😂

[@nifralo2752]

This is the 2nd MK review I ever saw, the 1st being Quantum of Solace I liked it and clicked on this one and I was just hooked permanently at 3:05 and been a fan ever since, its inspired me to write reviews in my uni paper.

[@TulseLuper]

+Toad Lash No kidding! Quantum of Solace was my first Kermode review, too. I had just seen the film and he echoed my disappointments word for word. I remember listening to all these great old rants on the Five Live web site, and this Da Vinci Code rant murdered me. I've been a Kermode fan ever since, even if he drives me crazy sometimes.

[@nifralo2752]

TulseLuper great minds think alike right?

[@timothyw98]

TURN THE LIGHT ON !. That's why I love you kermode, rants and half

[@leeward5907]

Simon's exasperation lol "Tell us what you think of the film!"

[@JoseCortes-on6uy]

Never read the book but saw the movie and it's balderdash. The best way of watching it is to lie back and go into a fugue-like state of total idiocy. I did that and enjoyed it quite a lot, though afterwards I had to slap myself back into consciousness, an annoying business that I don't care to repeat.

[@thiscorrosion900]

Well, in that respect it's like The Omen series, total balderdash and b.s. on a stick, but kind of gripping balderdash, maybe.

[@crispybug]

TURN THE LIGHT ON!!!!

[@dipakchowdhury31]

I'll always end up watching this when on the telly though.

[@thereandbackagainhv]

“And from the look of the poster it’s got Paul Bettany playing Darth Maul” hit me harder than I expected

[@Poseiden2]

"Turn the light on"!!! lol a rant up there with anything by basil fawlty!

[@GlennDavey]

I read Angels & Demons in 2004 before any movies had been made and thought "this reads like a movie". Everything is in the dialogue. Even a film has subtext. Dan Brown had no sense of internal monologue and it translated to the movies.

[@Thy_Boss]

I couldn't read _Da Vinci Code_ past the point where Dan Brown tried to sell the idea that some newfound Gospel telling a different story of the life of Christ would be a catastrophe, or even all that unusual, for the Vatican. What peeved Rome about this movie was P.R. over the portrayal of Church bureaus. When it comes to Gospels saying Jesus was a Gnostic or married or had kids, it's like planetary science: Rome used to hate it, but now they're a center of public research. Priest-historians love talking about it! The philology, the paleography! Apocrypha, pseudepigrapha, every flavor on tap! Because it's not like any amount of evidence could somehow force the Pope to publish Bible 2.0, now is it?

[@brendanquinn5804]

One of the most important true stories ever told.

[@hugohackenbush1554]

OTFRAPML 😂😂😂

[@otakurocklee]

he's so right about the lighting in this movie... drove me nuts... and it's not that the movie is taking place at night... other movies have done that, but still had good lighting.

[@NxDoyle]

Aluminum existed before aluminium. The suffix was changed to make it sound like elements in the periodic table.

[@Poc.w]

3:05 is my favourite bit

[@sponkmonki79]

4:00 I don't remember Sir Ian McKellan doing a DANNY DYAAAAHHHHH impression?!

[@joynerkt]

I love this review!

[@RighteousBrother]

Hans Zimmer's score is pretty good though.

[@oscarmike1131]

not good, great. one of his finest

[@thecinematicmind]

James Mackay Except that piece of crap film score The Amazing Spiderman 2. Outside of that mess, I agree he is always great.

[@felyxmillicent6538]

"The book itself I wanted to read because I was given a copy of it for my birthday and the person who gave it to me said you're going to love this it's got all the things you like.. it's got religion it's got flagellation it's got conspiracy... " lol

[@KRSsven]

Mark Kermode is right virtually all of the time, he can dismantle anyone's argument very quickly and actually has the conviction to simply tell people they are wrong. Even here, he says he went into it wanting to like it (which should bias it towards the positive).

[@sambam007]

Took me 3 days to watch this movie . Kept falling asleep

[@relinquis]

Mark captures exactly how i feel about this film...

[@ncstaunton]

It's a shame that when it came time to adapt The Golden Compass the studio weren't equally terrified of the fans and slavishly faithful to the novel. As Death levels us all, great and low alike, so does cinema to novels.

[@razzle1964]

I like looking back at Mark’s list of hated flicks … Moonfall, Geostorm, Angels & Demons, this one. He’s not wrong.

[@Goochbot]

Stodging through treacle is exactly what the movie is like.

[@woodhd]

from the thumbnail hanks looks 18" taller than tautou, his head about four times the cubic capacity, and yet also somehow further away

[@barbarakirk3064]

Like the cows in the field in Father Ted!

[@tubemoog]

"bits of my body atrophying" haha

[@JamesOhGoodie]

Mark brings up a really good point. How can a film that features a murder mystery, an assassin in the from of a crazed alBUYno monk, and a conspiracy to cover up the sexual habits of Jesus Christ himself be SO BLOODY DULL?? It takes a special talent to do that. Well done Dan Brown!

[@jk-vo3hn]

The violence and the intensity in this film was never ending!

[@jk-vo3hn]

But tom hanks wasn't so bad towards the end.

[@samcottle]

You know what, there is something to be said for it. The book and the movie are for Americans that can't quite afford, or haven't the inclination, to buy a plane ticket to Paris and have a look round the Louvre. I think it's not a bad thing to have in the public sphere for that reason and, for those demographics, not a complete waste of time. I remember trying to read The DaVinci Code when I was about eleven and I think I put it down after some experimental plane was introduced to take Langdon to CERN in a hurry (or it could have been Angels and Demons, I can't remember) and turning off; it's standard Euro-fetishistic Hollywood fare, and on some level it is educational. It serves a purpose.

[@JamesMC04]

That film is the most mind-numbingly tedious I have ever watched. I may even have nodded off. Love of truth compels me to say that the last half-hour was ever so slightly less wearisome than what preceded it. And therefore, the film was thoroughly worthy of the book.

[@Govanmauler]

Nicely put !

[@handsworth101]

This and the POTC 3 review are the all time greats

[@funjuror]

Love all your reviews....but I really enjoyed the book and the film.......and the extended version oh well.

[@livinginvancouverbc2247]

In what other movie does the hero say... "We need to get to a library, fast!" and when we next see our intrepid hero he is riding a city bus earnestly looking out the window?

[@sherlika]

He managed to read more pages than me. I read 5 pages and is so bad I could not continue.

[@Phi1618033]

I say albEYEno, and everyone I know does, too.

[@ivanr3107]

I liked it. I don't believe any of the mystical, mythological, symbolist mish-mash but I enjoy seeing characters who do. Plus I love fine art. I think, that's a giveaway.

[@harrylime8412]

So Ian McKellen sounds like Kermode doing Danny Dyer impressions

[@kitano0]

this is one of the funniest things on YT...

[@keefriff99]

Kermode is goddamned brilliant.

[@jayfolk]

ron howard then made 2 more davinci code films, another beatle doc, and solos 3rd onset director (technically)

[@ktwashere5637]

I've gone to see films at 10.30 in the morning. its the only time the screenings are fairly empty and I don#t get bothered by idiots on mobile phones.

[@BenjWarrant]

I didn't hate *The da Vinci code*, but it certainly wasn't nearly as much fun as *Pirates of the Caribbean*!

[@smalltown2223]

The Da Vinci Code is a brilliant book.

[@blazepond5518]

"like stodging through treacle..."

[@ZAMPAROAD]

'waves of boredom'

[@DifficultFlannel]

I really enjoyed it.

[@TulseLuper]

@kingelnino9 His point about Basic Instinct 2 is that it was trashy and campy and knew what it was doing. The Da Vinci Code, on the other hand, takes itself way too seriously. It's like The Girl with the Dragon Tattoo; it's a dopey whodunnit that has pretensions above its station. I saw the movie before I even knew Kermode existed and I pretty much had the same reaction.

[@robrigler2903]

'Turn the light on!'

[@bwoahviously]

"The depression I felt after realising that Ron had stodged it up was awe-inspiring"

[@somberlight]

.... i still hear flagellating as flatulating and get really confused. freud scares me.

[@questionmark9819]

Watched the film and read the book, the film was OK but the book was interesting and much more exciting to read.

[@FiveSigma72]

It was the worst book I have ever read.

[@questionmark9819]

@@FiveSigma72 lol I think if someone is educated then it probably is rubbish but I liked it, horses for courses I guess.

[@xtraspecialmango]

I walked out :)

[@chungusbooper]

MintSauce ! I wish I damn well had. I remember being there with my family, but I reckon I could have talked them into leave as well, Paul Bettany or no. What a pile of syphilitic arses that film was. Punching myself in the head did nothing.

[@andyr0ck]

+Barbas the Daedra Aye, ghastly. This was one of those films where afterwards I was angry with myself for watching it until the end.

[@mousehead2000]

The Exorcist was extremely fun. And thrilling. And horrifying. And intelligent. The Da Vinci code was none of these.

[@reinislodzins1509]

Both are dark though

[@cathalmacsiurdain7762]

So you didn't like it Mark?😄

[@NitramNetwork]

@TulseLuper To be fair, War of the worlds did have an EXTREMELY cheesy ending, however Kermode is still my favourite critic

[@willgriffin5647]

i really love both of the Dan Brown movies..... I really want to see the new one in a few weeks.

[@Onmysheet]

His Inferno review should be this week.

[@timothyw98]

William Griffin take dull out the dictionary and replace it with the poster of inferno. Didn't help it was in the wrong ratio, 4:3

[@mettashade]

".... lets call the whole thing off" lol

[@EaterOfBirds]

i can see why its the favourite, epic stuff lol.

[@RamBam3000]

Grapes of Wrath is Steinbeck at his best - and it is a very angry book, as well.

[@thedreamcapture2681]

it was all heald together for the most part, until kemode shouted "TURN THE LIGHTS ON"

[@YourLoyalDeserter]

I love how he just flagrantly spoils the entire thing lol

[@pippipster6767]

But did he like it ?

[@SIngli6]

@ellbo2 What is so "silly" about my vernacular?

[@AlsatiaZevo]

I'm afraid that I disagree vastly with Kermode here, and some other reviewers, though that is the beauty of having freedom of thought. I loved the film, still do, I think it's quite well made, and thoroughly enjoyable. I though Angels and Demons was an excellent film but wasn't as good as the Da Vinci Code. So get it up you, Dr. K!!

[@SimplyPaul]

Still from Angels and Demons used to illustrate this...

[@edbingey]

How does Kermode stop from punching Mayo's face in?

[@Lessdeth14]

If he can put up with Michael Bay movies, he can put up with anything.

[@yipperdeyip]

The_Infamous_Me Transforners 5 Kermode review HYPE! :D

[@sudevsen]

edbingey it's just Brit banter,bro

[@EsteemedKompany]

They're really good mates who just enjoy winding each other up

[@drdarkeny]

Actually, I was wondering the opposite - Kermode has such a tendency to interrupt Mayo, to roll over Simon's attempts to move the show along, and to do imitations that irritate the living daylights out of Simon that I'm surprised he doesn't plant Mark a facer every week! I seriously wonder if Mark Kermode isn't Aspie, or ADHD....

[@PaulRattlehead]

Exactly how i felt

[@unconvincingrebel]

anyone know where you can download pre-2010 podcasts

[@Hoop-aloop]

+Kcuf elgoog There was a torrent file of them. I downloaded them a few years back and have them on an old hard drive. Just added the file to my torrent thing, and there were a few seeders, so it should still be getable.

[@unconvincingrebel]

+David Fraser Thanks, are they still roughly 2 hours long pre 2010?

[@Hoop-aloop]

+Kcuf elgoog I hooked up my old hard drive to have a look, and they tend to be between 25 and 50 minutes pretty much up until mid '10, when they started pushing over the hour and up to 90 minutes. IIRC, Mayo had a regular show that Kermode guested on on fridays, fitting around other features, his guest slots getting longer until they were given a dedicated film show slot/podcast. I listened to the whole lot a few years back. It was an interesting journey.

[@unconvincingrebel]

***** thanks, I only started listening 2 years ago so ive still got lots of catching to do.

[@andycleaver1706]

"Bringing you some more garlic bread with that sir" lol

[@JimONeill]

How many film critics does it take to change a light bulb - one, Mark Kermode

[@gamleskalle1]

On tv tonight

[@TulseLuper]

@kingelnino9 He said he wanted to enjoy it, understanding that the film will not be the book, came out disappointed. And thrillers are supposed to be fun. They can be intelligent, but if they're not entertaining, they're not doing their job. There's nothing remotely thrilling about The Da Vinci Code.

[@Bagrah10]

You know what? Paul Bettany should have been Darth Maul...

[@nicholsonfile]

The Da Vinci Kermode

[@mattgilbert7347]

Fkin hilarious

[@NathanialStepford]

i agree with Mark...I say Albino not Albeeno

[@Hargiwald]

A journalism teacher of mine used Fache's introductory paragraph as an example to warn us not to write in clichés, and how, if you do, things might end up making no sense whatsoever. The novel's very stupid, but nothing's as dull as the movie. The highlight is the part where McKellen poisons his servant, but supposedly we shouldn't have realized he's the bad guy yet and so it's from his point of view, and the guy playing the servant is left having to wave his arms "dying-ly" at the camera.

[@kemp10]

wait, so we're supposed to pronounce aluminum with an invisible i now?

[@SIngli6]

@SuperYellow1989 My sentiments exactly!

[@garymitchell5899]

Hanks' hair in this really is ridiculous.

[@Dogboy73]

Kermode shoudln't really be commenting on Tom Hanks' hairstyle when he has a hairstyle that looks like a Teddy Boy with hair product in a wind tunnel :D

[@LucasPreti]

You say albeeno, I say albino, albeeno, albino, let's call the whole thing off!

[@SIngli6]

@AlsatiaZevo I agree. Though I preferred Angels and Demons.

[@garymitchell5899]

What other way is there of saying "nuclear"?

[@PrinsTan]

The proper way?