Unbiased reaction to "Can You Tell if Someone has Autism?"

Original video: • Can You Tell If Someon...
People in video:
Ian: / ian_s_donley
Adin: / adinboyer
Austin: / livingdeadskeleton
Abbey: / hatsbyabbey
Christine: / christineabbeysmom
Veronica: / veronicaa_palermo
James: hiblogimdad.com/
Gen: / @gen
Timestamps:
Intro 00:00-04:44
Needing a caretaker 04:45-08:55
Is the word "disabled" offensive 08:56-24:22
Trouble making friends 24:23-39:02
Internalized ableism 39:03-47:55
Outro 47:56-49:49
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[@higherground337]

Adin's "I'm lonely" and that pained laugh have been haunting me for days. I hope things get better for him.

[@GridSeer]

That's the reality for so many of us. I know it is for me too

[@Bubblefire77]

Sadly defiantly reflects my experience as well.

[@serenediipity]

that one dad is so wonderfully informed. for the longest time i’ve called my sister nonverbal even though she can say one word at a time and stims by vocalizing for hours a day because the word semi-verbal never fully fit either. minimally verbal is definitely a very good descriptor and now i’m so interested in his blog. looking forward to part 2!

[@rkivelover]

this is my brother too! I think I'll start using that language for him

[@denisedarland3345]

I have watched Abbey and her mom on tiktok for years. She is not a low supports needs autistic, and her mom is a fierce advocate and fights for Abbey a lot. So, I think your take on Abbey's mom is spot on. She understands Abbey, and she knows Abbey and how she thinks better than anybody else. She may seem controlling at times, but Abbey understands how her mom helps her navigate the world and who are we to judge that? Abbey can absolutely advocate for herself. She's smart but she knows she needs help. My mother and I are similar, and I think that's why I relate to Abbey and her mom so much.

[@cowsonzambonis6]

The part where I had an issue with the mom is in the second half, when she’s talking about people diagnosing themselves off Tik Tok. Glad you’re reacting to this video!

[@thethoughtspot222]

Yuuuup, the second part is where I begin to have criticisms of the mom

[@neurodimensions7509]

Not criticizing Abbey’s mom but sharing some nuance of my experience: I needed speech therapy for a long time and possibly have apraxia of speech. I also had a lot of fine motor difficulties in school but usually was just criticized for it. However no professional believed I was autistic and same with counselors. I was diagnosed with autism as an adult because I sought it out on my own. So it is possible to need speech, OT, etc and still not be properly diagnosed with autism.

[@JonBrase]

I had several years of OT for fine and gross motor deficits, and multiple (DSM-V) diagnostic criteria for autism show up in the documentation from my OT. Unfortunately, this was the mid-90s, so it didn't make anyone think "autism".

[@Catlily5]

The older you are the more likely it is that autism would be missed. In the beginning they only diagnosed more severe cases. Slowly they have gotten more inclusive.

[@JonBrase]

@@Catlily5 When I was born, diagnosis rates were around 1 in 2500 children. Now they're around 1 in 30.

[@Catlily5]

​@@JonBrase I was born in 1975 so I never would have been diagnosed as a child unless I had very high support needs. I have medium support needs (level 2) so I was missed.

[@RS-pe1ft]

Yes! I was in speech therapy for verbal apraxia for 10 years and had OT for significant motor skills deficits. To this day, I have to work diligently to communicate verbally and I cannot close a zip-lock baggie. But I never got a diagnosis as a child because my parents fiercely shot down every possibility of that as early as the age of 3 when the school district told my parents I needed an evaluation and that mainstream school may not have been appropriate for my early childhood. Even after years of speech therapy, OT, therapy, and improvements in the difficulties I faced, I was diagnosed with level 2 autism.

[@hulapineapple]

I am low support needs but I’ve been unable to work for years and have had to live with my parents since 2019. Hey have had to help me with appointments and insurance, etc. So I present as low support but i actually need a lot of help just to stay alive. I also worked as a server in restaurants and I think it burned out the last bits of my soul and energy to an extreme degree. Being a low support autistic person while receiving 0 support for most of my life (plus trauma) has left me completely disabled. Thanks for your videos, I find them interesting and helpful.

[@Con_blue]

So true what you say in the beggining about us "low needs" autistics. I am also level 1 but have never worked.

[@loverainthunder]

I relate.

[@rkivelover]

unfortunately 80% of autistic adults are unemployed so you're definitely not alone 😭

[@turtleanton6539]

​@@rkiveloveryes indeed 🎉

[@Senfree]

I don't think I can work, but I feel like even if I physically could, it would ruin my life, and I would be much worse off.

[@loverainthunder]

@Senfree I understand. The only work I can do would have to be something along the lines of what I am already doing. At this time, though, I'm dysregulated and am not able to do all the basics such as grocery shopping and appointments. It's an everyday challenge.

[@reneets5729]

I wanna have a friend like Adin. 😭 Irene, I completely relate to what you said about friendships. It’s so difficult to balance all these things. I can’t be a “good friend” because being vulnerable and talking to others about their struggles would put me in a position where I can’t cope due to the combined physical and emotional overstimulation, completely debilitating me

[@reneets5729]

It felt good to finally put that into words. I carried so much guilt over thinking I was a bad friend, but the truth is that it would completely unravel me to be vulnerable and close to others, and I’ve just been protecting myself

[@etcwhatever]

I liked Adin very much also and i feel the same about friendships. I cant really open up to people anymore.

[@reneets5729]

@@etcwhatever it’s hard when you want to have close friends but it is too overwhelming and risky to open up

[@jclyntoledo]

This is exactly why it's good to ask people if they're in a space where they can receive this because if they really can't then you shouldn't open yourself up to a friend and put that pressure on them to be there emotionally for you if they really can't do it at that moment.

[@reneets5729]

@@jclyntoledo yes I agree. Everyone should start being more honest and not expect things of each other without asking them first. I think I’m also crippled by the feeling that I’m expected by others to act and respond a certain way that doesn’t come naturally for me, risking losing that friend from not living up to expectations. I also keep to myself now because I know I can’t rely on others to understand me either.

[@stephenieolson8535]

I occasionally feel like her mom overexplains for her, but 90% of the time, she really seems to be a communication bridge between Abbey and others. Like, she knows Abbey has thoughts and experiences she wants to share about certain subjects, and when she prompts Abbey with it, which is maybe the kind of help she needs to focus, Abbey has lots to say.

[@lovelyxrosez6589]

Adin's experience of only having one on one friendships, like friendships one at a time and never being part of a friend group got to me. I'm autistic myself and this makes me feel lonely and left out all the time. When I was doing my pre-diagnosis research, I described that as "having friends in different places and being a floater friend". I have close friends which whom I have a deep connection with but I'm never apart of their close friend group or they have a friend that is closer to them than I am. Like Adin, I've ALWAYS wanted and craved that because I feel that it would give me a sense of belonging and not make me feel left out. I've never belonged in a friend group and if I was it was a trio , I'm usually the one left out while the other two connect and bond more. I'm not trying to sound ungrateful for the friendships at all, I've very thankful to have them but my inner child deeply desires that friend group connection. I'm glad Adin shared this, now I know it's apart of my autistic experience. Thank you for coming to my Tedtalk lol

[@Cocoanutty0]

I remember when I found out my best friend throughout middle and high school considered someone else her best friend. I realized I had never been close to her and she never wanted me around very much. My heart broke that day and I’ve never really recovered. I love how you put it as a floater friend, this describes what I experienced so much better than I have been able to.

[@lovelyxrosez6589]

@@Cocoanutty0 I'm so sorry that happened to you :( that's just awful and you never deserved such a trashy friend. I hope you have better friends that actually see you the same way you see them! Also, I really get how it's hard to get over experiences such as this, us neurodivergents really hold on to these traumatic experiences more than neurotypicals do. I still am not over my childhood trauma experiences of being excluded even though I've been told to get over them. I can also relate to the experience you described, I always felt that I was tolerated by some of my "friends" rather than them genuinely enjoying my company. I believe it's because once I finally got comfortable with them and started to unmask my true self and autistic traits, people just didn't find that like-able. I'm glad I was able to allow you to feel heard by my personal friendship experiences, it makes me feel less alone :)

[@jclyntoledo]

Idk maybe it's bc I'm not on the spectrum and I never viewed friendships with needing a social grp that's an actual grp but I think friend grps are very overrated. Fyi, I only have social anxiety, executive dysfunction issues (adhd results were "inconclusive") and complex ptsd so I might just not be able to relate to you.

[@LilChuunosuke]

Ive been the floater so many times and it never stops hurting. Seeing these people constantly going out of their way to include each other in plans, but not caring if you weren't available. Finding out they had a seperate group chat where they arranged hangouts that included everyone except you. Always the disposable friend. It has made it near impossible for me to feel any sort of meaningful bond or sense of trust with NT friends. I always feel like a backup to them.

[@lovelyxrosez6589]

@unosuke im so sorry you were always excluded, I relate so deeply to that. I really understand you, I have the same experience with my one-on-one friendships. I've often felt like the disposable friend and it's also made it hard for me to build friendships with NTs because they always have a friend group that I'm never a part of. One of close friends that I've had for so many years clearly has a friend group. She texts them more often, talks to them more often, hangs out with more often, and I know most of these girls, but I'm rarely ever invited to those hangouts and im not in their group chat. They are her go-to friends. We see each other at school every day and maybe that's the reason she never asks to hang out since we already see each other, but it always felt like I was the seperate friend, the one not apart of the group but still a friend. I wish I could just ignore my feelings, but they just root from years of not belonging any where and being the backup as you said. Also, im not trying to sound like I don't cherish this friendship, I really do, i'm just trying express how I've felt my whole life. Hopefully we can one day not be the backup friend. I really hope someone will appreciate your friendship and not make you feel like the backup. :)

[@stephenieolson8535]

I’ve been a part of a friend group before, but I usually tend to be closest to one friend in particular, and they get most of my time and attention. I don’t know how to split it between so many people at once.

[@RamonaGelosi]

In my case I can "make friends" easily...the problem is maintaining the friendship and the part when you get to know each other, you know?

[@Jae-by3hf]

Same here! But I have realised that a lot of people are surface level people, not many people are deep! We will find our flock 💜

[@nattokki]

So true, Irene. My friend was recently diagnosed autistic and I feel so much envy towards her because her parents helped her get her late diagnosis and here I am; I've tried so hard to get an autism diagnosis for months and I ultimately gave up because no one believed me or backed me up. It makes me sad to see her receive help and a diagnosis so easily when I put in so much effort and got zero progress, but I am also happy for her because she deserves to flourish with her loving family and I know that I will be okay and figure things out as well.

[@mjdarth8403]

I'm so sorry. This is the kind of comment that I was looking for. I'm genuinely terrified that I won't be believed. When I was younger, I was diagnosed with a learning disability, but I seriously think that there's more to my story. As I grew older and got into the workforce, it was an average of a job every 2 months for me, I freakin' kid you not. For this reason, I had to live with my parents until my mid 20s and was called "lazy" by my parents each day because after awhile, losing job after job really fucked with my self-esteem to the point of me breaking down and having panic attacks despite my best efforts, as if I chose for my brain to work in this manner. My dad has legit told me "I know that you're 'slow', but you need to go out and try harder, as if I weren't already busting my ass. I was even more so pissed because BOTH of my parents graduated with what was called a "special diploma" in their high school years. My mother has never had to work. We think one in the same, so you'd think they'd have empathy. Needless to say, I seriously need to continue to work on my own ableist ideas about myself. It has caused me so much self-hatred. I cut both my parents off 4 years ago and never looked back. Anyways, sorry to vent my bs to you. It just triggered me because I felt this in my spirit. I sincerely hope that someone will believe you, and you get the help that you deserve.

[@nattokki]

@@mjdarth8403 thank you so much and thank you for sharing your story. I am soon going into college and I also started a new job and yeah, I'm terrified too. Every day my parents tell me I need to be less sensitive, more social, less lazy, get off my ass. It's so overwhelming and I'm so tired but I don't have a choice if I want to survive. I just hope I don't reach my breaking point.

[@AmmyTheGhost]

Even though I am diagnosed, I feel the same way, I wish I was receiving help. I’m trying so hard to be independent and I keep beating myself up when I can’t keep up.

[@AmmyTheGhost]

@@mjdarth8403omg I relate so much to never holding a job for long, longest I’ve ever had a job was 3 months. I feel so much shame and I actually am losing hope in ever being able to live on my own. I’m tempted on moving back with my mum, my mum was very verbally abusive, and constantly made “jokes” about me being a bum and shamed me for not working. I’m living with my dad currently, which is nice, but he’s very distant and we rarely interact with each other, to a point where it almost feels like I’m living with a stranger. Which basically forces me to have to be independent, and it really is increasing my suicidal ideation.

[@mjdarth8403]

My heart sincerely goes out to anyone who may see this. It breaks me to see so many people who just want to be understood and accepted in a world that surely wasn't designed with us in mind. I wish that I was better with my words, but all that I can say is that to anyone who may see this, try to do one little thing that makes you love yourself more today. I see you, and I know that you're trying your best. You are deserving of love and respect. You have just of a right to be here as anyone else. I know that I'm just a random internet person, but I love you. If we can hate at random, then I can love as well. Please don't give up the good fight. ❤️

[@elizabethivy1337]

Speaking on empathy, 26:00 onwards was super hard to watch / listen to. I've talked with multiple people about how to observe someone else's emotions without experiencing them, but I've yet to find a tool that works. I just immediately could feel the speaker's sadness and upset as if it were my own. My whole body started to heat up, my throat got tight, and my eyes were watering just after listening for 10 seconds. At least now I can recognize that the emotions I am feeling aren't coming from me, which is an important and helpful distinction. However, it's still can be a confusing experience even with that recognition that the emotions aren't mine. I had an instance a couple of months ago when a friend visited my apartment for the first time. I could tell within 5 minutes that they were attracted to me and wanted to be more than friends even though they never communicated that intention as they should have. (I don't believe this was an instance of me missing social cues either.) Logically, I knew I wasn't attracted to them myself, but by being in proximity to them when they were experiencing feelings of attraction made me feel as though I was attracted to them too. Despite the fact that I was feeling their attraction, not any of my own (jeez this sounds convoluted, so I hope it makes sense). I had to spend several hours after they left just trying to process what was happening because it was super disorienting and confusing.

[@user-ly3li3ex8c]

I'm glad to find a great explanation of the dark and disadvantageous side of hyper empathy

[@camellia8625]

I worry that this person could become extremely pushy.

[@acemarvel1564]

Ever since i came to this channel things really turned around for the better for me, here i have never been more free to express how i felt about living life on the spectrum or being isolated because of it for that matter. Now I know that my social life remains barely active but the truth is even without a valentine this year just like the last the only difference now is that i'm giving myself a pat on the back and some appreciation. Even if it takes decades or never to find "the one" being in this community makes me feel so much happier Thank you and happy valentines day (tomorrow)

[@etcwhatever]

I had relationships. But they never hit 14th of February if that serves as any confort to you.

[@joycebrewer4150]

The only Valentines I got this year were from a couple kids at a local elementary school that I have never met. They were assigned to make Valentine's for senior citizens.

[@elbeestevens]

It's wild because "low support needs" doesn't mean "no support needs."

[@noamthenerd]

Hmmm, I had interpreted her comment about Asperger's as ignoring the change of vocabulary because she said "and I know you're not supposed to call it that," but it was useful to hear your insight. I came into this video quite angry at this mother, but your thought process has helped me understand much more. I'm sure this comes from internalized ableism. I have never had a proper place on the autism spectrum since to outsiders I was too autistic and had too many support needs to be the same as low-support-needs autistics but too good at masking to fit in with higher-support-needs autistics. I guess it just shows how autism isn't a linear spectrum. I have decent communication skills, but struggle immensely with sensory stuff, emotional regulation, social awareness, and whatnot. For a while I told other autistic people who had lower support needs that they couldn't possibly be autistic because they weren't as autistic as me, and my parents had told me I was barely autistic as a way to justify to themselves that I was still "normal," so I thought they couldn't be autistic since every second wasn't a social, emotional, and sensory struggle for them like it was for me, and they were getting tons of resources for having it "less bad" when I got nothing and was left to struggle by myself. (My parents were not very educated about this stuff.) Thank you so much for your video. I try to educate myself to chip away at the internalized ableism and illusion of discrete neurotype categories that have been pushed onto me. Your perspective was valuable.

[@Dreykopff]

I've sabotaged myself with internalized ableism for many years, that's one of those absolutely lovely effects too. Without all the good content creators I've been discovering since last year I'd still be doing it...

[@RamonaGelosi]

I was scared of watching this video alone bc if someone says something ableist or triggering for me I often feel like EVERY PERSON ON THE PLANET THINKS LIKE THAT. So I'm glad you're reacting to it and idk it's like watching it with a friend(? even though we don't know each other but I guess you get the point.

[@inchw0rm]

i was just talking w my partner last night about my lack of friendships and how it's hard bc i've just always been someone who basically has one main friend/partner so even though i know it would be better for my mental health to have a community i just don't work that way, i love having so much alone time and one close person even though i feel lonely and jealous when i see others have so many relationships, but i don't know how to handle opening up to friendships without getting so overwhelmed and i'm finally at a point in life where i barely have meltdowns anymore and i used to have them every day through basically my whole life

[@inchw0rm]

also i totally relate to thinking i must just be the bad friend who disposes ppl when im dating someone, bc i also only have friends when i was single and unemployed, thank you for talking about that

[@etcwhatever]

I have a lot of guilt in me. Probably people like us arent so bad...remember the strong sense of ethics. Also i genuinely wish the best for everyone. So you need to try to remember your qualities as much as possible. I have bad "inner dialog" but i fight it

[@LilChuunosuke]

I've tried many times to build a community and its just too overwhelming to me. I can have a group of people in the background I can check in with when I have the energy and want to bond (usually has to be other autists bc NT friend groups always think I'm uninterested or ghosting them). I can have a few one on one friendships where I will send them some bizarre message every few days or weeks. I can be intimately close to one or two people. Anything beyond that stresses me out. I've had NTs who really wanted to be my friend and I had to politely text them and ask them to speak to me less frequently because the mental labor it was costing me to maintain the relationship was causing me stress and anxiety. I often felt like my brain was doing somersaults trying to follow the flow of the conversation and it exhausts me so quickly.

[@olivia09980]

I relate to your point at around 33 minutes. I started working part time after graduating high school, and eventually took some college classes. I was overwhelmed already, and started my first serious relationship soon after. We broke up after a month because it was all too much for me, especially not knowing I was autistic at the time I didn't understand what I was feeling or how to deal with everything.

[@AsAmsterdam]

I’m halfway through this & this is legit one of the best videos about autistic people I’ve ever seen. Like, not just jubilee, but you being a part of the conversation, too. Like, it makes me happy to be autistic. I’m glad this is us. Adding even more context & nuance to a room of grey folks- im in heaven 🥰 lol so much understanding and listening and honesty and meaningful expression

[@AsAmsterdam]

So excited for the next oooone 🥳

[@DioHard]

I "love" doing everything alone and being alone, while at the same time my headvoice is trying to tell me that there are aspects that I ignore that I would need external help with. I just can't open up about it, I don't want to burden anyone else and not myself either. I feel the best I have since my life started in many ways, but in some ways I feel a deep dark lack and despair that I can't put my finger on. Maybe it's because I have only neurotypical friends? I don't know...

[@d.d.d.a.a.a.n.n.n]

If you can find some neurodivergent friends, even if they aren't your closest friends, I do recommend it. Just by my nature, I gravitate toward other neurodivergent people, since many neurotypical people don't have the willingness to be friends with me long term. The exception is when I've made friends from other countries and cultures, as they're more willing to extend patience for cultural miscommunication, given that we have different backgrounds

[@Webitch]

Thank the gods, I needed someone to speak on this, Abbeys mother made my sob when I watched this

[@RambleMaven]

I am so ready for part 2. You’ve made A LOT of really great points and said a lot of things I could relate to. I predict that your thoughts will be similar to mine on the second half as well. I love watching your videos because sometimes you are able to articulate things that I have felt but never been able to put words to. Thank you for your contributions to this community. Also even if your content is a little different I’m excited to see what you put out!

[@oshibo]

Leaving a comment to say thank you for changing my life. One night I got one of your videos recommended about HSP which at the time i identified with strongly and in that video you started talking about autism. Through weeks i binged your videos as i related to how you described autism in a way i never heard before. Well, yesterday i got a diagnosis of autism and secondary diagnosis of attention-deficit. Your videos are so so so valuable and helpful for thousands of people. Thank you for aiding in my development as a person and i can finally start living the life ive been needing to live

[@ten_oclock_scholar4690]

You're amazing, Irene. I know that you feel a strong ethical urge to use your platform to make people aware of a wider range of autistic experiences, and that's admirable. But I also know that no one can reasonably expect you to represent anyone other than yourself, and that is truly enough. I'm a trans man who hasn't been officially diagnosed, and you've taught me a lot about me just by sharing your experiences. The self-compassion and practical strategies that you offer are truly invaluable.

[@bryonyvaughn2427]

Wow. I've watched your video repeatedly. These voices combined with your reflections have given me insight into how my autism has been disabling for me. As a woman diagnosed in my 50s, this has shown me how so many things were just a struggle for me, that I couldn't do them the way many others could. I understand how my high intelligence has helped me to get so far in life undiagnosed. It makes sense of my feeling it's important to go through college, now in my 50s, more slowly so I can practice life balance. The experience isn't magic as transitions are harder for me but it's a learning process. It also has me grateful I'm going into a field that can offer much flexibility in how jobs are set up while getting me thinking that prioritizing accommodations is important. I feel better prepared for my future having these thoughts now, before going into my specialty training, so I will have better insight into what I may need. I'm so grateful for your video.

[@bugz6223]

Your videos have been helping me a lot with understanding autism better. I am late diagnosed and because of finding out of my autism I was able to realize my kids are also autistic and get them diagnosed young and getting them accommodations. your videos help me be a better parent. I just want to thank you for that.

[@Skallanni]

On the making friends thing it’s so hard having autism tbh… like I have friends and had friends growing up, but even then I was still somewhat outcasted. Now as an adult, I am very outgoing and find talking with people easy, but maintaining relationships of any kind is hard partially because the settings in which people socialize nowadays are uncomfortable for me and because of trauma from my childhood experiences I feel uncomfortable disclosing my issues in fear of being judged or receiving violence or abuse. So while I have lots of people who I know think I’m really cool and *want* to be my friend or even a romantic relationship, I just can’t mentally handle it on top of taking care of my physical health and responsibilities.

[@angieniger]

I’ve never had a partner and still struggle to keep up with friends. Also thought I was a bad friend. I really can’t keep with the friendships demands, too much energy that’s taken away from my interests which are my life and so important to me

[@kr3642]

Adins testimony about friends hit me in the heart. Its so relatable.

[@SparklingGlitterCookie]

Since you mentioned nonverbal, I have heard that some high support needs people are saying we low support needs autistics shouldn’t use the term nonverbal anymore because it’s offensive to them, since we aren’t nonverbal 100 percent of the time (well just speaking for myself). Have you heard of this conversation? I would love to hear your thoughts. I feel conflicted because I use it a lot to describe my verbal shutdowns but now I’m not sure if I’m allowed to use it?

[@thethoughtspot222]

It's valid to experience going nonverbal no matter where you are on the spectrum. But it's not okay to claim to be "nonspeaking" if you are able to/ do verbally communicate

[@jeskafm2929]

the term you are looking for i believe is "selective mutism"

[@christinesizemore3]

I'm struggling with this a bit too. I'm torn between "I want to respect your experience" vs "don't tell me how to express mine". Selective mutism is indeed the technical term for this condition, but colloquially, all "nonverbal" means is "without speaking". Nonverbal communication is a whole category of communication that can supplement verbal communication or stand alone. It's more readily understandable than "selective mutism" - especially given that "selective" makes it sound optional.

[@LizzyClayden]

I don't feel disabled I'm just me, but i understand their points of view! I was diagnosed with autism late so in my early 20s and the way you described empathy, how his words made you feel, I felt the exact same! It's such a physical experience.

[@user-bi3qo5sb6s]

This video came at the perfect time. The discussion you had around friendships really resonated. It’s hard for me to feel like a good friend when I have severe anxiety when I know I’m about to see literally my best friend in the entire world. I have meltdowns and shutdowns after every interaction. She is the most wonderful person and we get along so well but it doesn’t change how difficult I find socialising. She’s VERY extroverted and craves social interaction so for her to feel like her needs are met she wants to see me once a week. That is way too much. She’s moving away to another city. In fact and whole other island in my country and I feel horrible because I’m glad to be having space. I’m really happy for her new journey of course but a lot of the joy I feel for her moving is the relief that I won’t have to see her for a while. Some people may read this and think there’s signs in here that we don’t have a healthy relationship or that her and/or I are bad friends. But the truth is I’m just autistic and not even my best friend in the entire world can change that.

[@oksanakaido8437]

Ugh, anxiety around socializing☹️ I recently replied to a message from my wonderful friend that I've known 20 years, and it took me 3 months to finally make myself write a reply. I just get so much overwhelm and a kind of mental block around responding to social connections... Everyone basically tells me to "not overthink it". After your friend moves, do you still plan to keep in touch, do you think that'll be easier or harder emotionally?

[@user-bi3qo5sb6s]

I totally know how you feel. I will definitely be keeping in touch and the structures put in place for when she come back home to her family will make it easier for me to process and prepare for seeing her. I'm fortunate that she understands late replies (unlike most neurotypicals who seem to think its rude) she understands that replying late is actually a respect thing. I'm not going to reply with a message that is half-assed (I'm not sure everyone will understand that expression, it means to put minimal effort in in a lazy sense rather than an efficient sense) out of politeness. I've never left it as long as 3 months but there has defiantly been weeks, she will check in but not in a "pressured to answer" way which I really appreciate. I think it will be easier seeing in person when she moves away like I mentioned because of the controlled timeframe as she will technically be only "visiting" my city from now on. where I'm worried is the online communication, I'm worried her want to see me all the time irl will then shift into her want to communicate more heavily online. shes always been good with understanding my online communication but I am worried about a shift in patterns. with an extrovert like her and an introvert like myself I have a really hard time trying to balance compromises :/ as for the overthinking thing you said, I've been told that heaps but I really don't see it as that, I've always seen it as just thinking, its in my nature to analyse and question before acting on anything. I get that that is different and may be overthinking in others eyes but for me it is almost essential to my well-being not to mention it is how my brain is wired and fighting it is a losing battle. @@oksanakaido8437

[@markigirl2757]

Totally understand I had a friend like this but she had ocd and she needed breaks I am not extroverted I just come across that bc I have adhd and autism and they always contradict each other and I have a feeling that was too overwhelming for her so I totally understood she needed massive breaks from me so I told her she text me when she feels like it and if she can’t I’ll understand and not worry bc I too struggle going out socializing even if it doesn’t seem to bc I info dump and go crazy from isolating for for so long (bc my autistic side gets so overwhelmed socializing that I tend to over correct that with long periods of isolation) so yeah I get yeah bc I can been too much and I need to work harder to be more accommodating as well so I can be better friend to people who deal with our info dump ness

[@user-bi3qo5sb6s]

I feel you on the over-correcting part of auDHD. its why so many people are confused about my diagnosis, especially the autistic part because I can be really "extrovert appearing" because of the info dumping aspect as you mentioned. but no one sees the amount of mental work that goes into building up to that event or the recovery afterwards. its why seeing my friend once every week is so hard. around the 7 day mark is nowhere near enough for me to recover from the last interaction AND prepare for the next one!

[@paunesjourney]

I’m so glad someone is making a reaction video about it! I shared some of my impressions in my ‘preparing for my autism assessment’ video but didn’t have the courage to make a whole video about it 😂

[@Diversity_in_Neurodiversity]

Irene, you're amazing! The level of self reflection it takes to understand the implications of past videos and what you want to do moving forward in regards to the autism community is so great to see. Personally, I've always thought you've done a great job at focusing on your experience and not speaking for all of the autistic community. Many autistic content creators don't have that same level of reflection though, and it's sad to see because when we (LSN) have more of the floor to speak; sometimes, we unintentionally overstep the cause and contribute to the negative view of HSN autistic and their family. This is great though. Thank you!

[@AxisXIViral]

I love your perspectives and your explanations so much, can't wait to see the second half!

[@Cocoanutty0]

This was such a hard video to watch. I don’t get to see fellow autistics talking about their experiences or beliefs often, never in a group setting. I saw so much of myself in them, especially Adin. Even what he’s said about not being able to talk to men or build relationships with men, and the part about the number of relationships I can maintain. For me, my empathy comes out in tears, which always makes me worry I’m appearing selfish for making it all about me. If I had been in that room I would have been crying the whole time. I was crying this whole video. My whole body hurts for all of us.

[@lajourdanne]

I lovvvvveeee this! I’ve been waiting for someone I respect to talk about this video! Thank you so much!

[@jennab.6723]

Thanks for the videos! Learning more about this topic lately.

[@kelleyotoole4320]

I really felt this video! At one point I was in my kitchen screaming BINGO!! The fact that you mentioned that these accommodations would be beneficial for everyone. I appreciate your understanding that everyone has reasons for their feelings and beliefs, and it doesn’t always make them good or bad. I thought your explanation into non verbal/ processing overload was great. I also was a waitress and struggled a ton. Had the gastric stuff along with a bunch of other annoying stuff. I am also feeling the February thing going on. I watched that same video yesterday, and was curious what you thought when I saw your video pop up. I thought you did a great job, and loved your perspective. I wanted to say thank you. I needed this today in more ways than one. Go grey team!!!!!

[@noconnell874]

I’m so happy to find your review of this video because I watched it last week and it’s great to see somebody else’s perspective on it. I’m also AuDHD and I relate to a lot of what you said about your experience in college. The saying “Just because you can doesn’t mean you should “ applies to a lot of us level 1 autistic people I think. When I run my life at full tilt having a job outside the home, parenting, social life, self-care….something always has to give and the easiest thing for me to drop which nobody will see is my self-care, so I spend less time looking after my needs for exercise, Sleep etc good food. I start eating junk food and convenience food, I stop exercising and very quickly my mental and physical health suffers and then I burn out. This is a cycle I repeated for over 20 years and I’ve only discovered in the last 18 months that I’m autistic and I’m trying to run my life with my self-care as a priority, I’m actually feeling calm and relaxed for the first time ever in my life. It’s a struggle though because I’ve had to cut back on work so my finances are more concerning but I don’t know what else I can do. The struggle is real.

[@nerdalysis]

I just want to say that I appreciate all of your videos so much. They’ve made me feel less alone as I process my late diagnoses.

[@grrrrosey]

Which ever way you decide to take your channel, your videos are so so valuable. I can't thank you enough for your presence online. I was officially diagnosed last week and I don't know if I would be where I am if it wasn't for your incredibly thoughtful videos. I'm commenting from Wales in the UK - just to let you know how far you r work has reached

[@ellie_reflections]

I just want to say, again, I love to watch your videos. I'm also going through a burnout of sorts depression and my anxiety. Sigh. I'm sorry you are going through those things, I can relate and sending you a gentle hug and smile. Take good care, I will join soon and contribute; whatever you decide on your path. ❤

[@BrittanySimon]

Loved this! I would really like to see therapy support suggested more for parents ❤ I think parents forget about their needs because they're so focused on their kids, and it's easy to forget that they have needs too.

[@cricketiiella]

this is fantastic, thank you for this video!

[@flyygurl18]

Great discussion! looking forward to part 2 and I have to say I really appreciate your content; excited to see the new direction; if anything, it will be authentic 🖖

[@AyDee56]

This was so good for my heart , thank you for making this video 💜

[@AmaranthineIntrigue]

6:46 thank you! I hadn't thought about it quite this way but I have realized my need to listen to my energy level signals and over stimulation that preceed burnout/break down. I am learning not to just push through but to take more breaks and time to myself to refuel.

[@nakiafreda494]

I came across one of your videos this morning. The video was about masking. It was like everything you said resignated with me. It answers a lot of questions that I had about myself. I really appreciate you. Now I'm about to bend watch your videos at work❤or binge listen lol

[@untilop1334]

I cried a lot during watching this video. You said so much about things I relate to but I can’t verbalise it like you. ❤

[@Mistah_Krinkle]

The way you explain things is so thorough and considerate. Ill definitely be looking for more from your channel Kudos to you ma'am

[@binesart]

Whatever you ponder and reflect on, I am sure something amazing will come out at the end of this process. Happy that you give us some insights. Greetings from Greece 🎉

[@beethers]

You are talking about things I've never heard anyone else express and your entire presence is so comforting because I feel like I'm looking at a person who is as close to a perfect reflection of myself as I've ever seen. I really appreciate you and thank you for making these videos ❤

[@Sarcastic.liv1]

I relate so much to your opening statement on early adulthood. I’ve been on the “lower support need” end of ASD but mainly bc I was high masking. I have struggled with intense burnout in school, and not being able to get by with work bc I could only work a few days a week. My mental state was so bad, and it also made my chronic pain terrible. Now ik it’s okay to need help. That I may not be in school, partying, doing things early 20 something’s “typically” do, but that doesn’t mean I can’t have a fulfilling life. And I’m understanding my path my look different than neurotypical ppl, that doesn’t mean I don’t deserve fun, love, and support❤ I hope someone can relate and know your path may be different and that is 100% okay

[@NitFlickwick]

Your comments about internalized ableism and resentment totally hit home for me. I struggle with that a lot.

[@string0fpearls]

there's a lot of things i could say about this video but i will just summarise to say this was a great, thought-provoking video that distracted me from my food cooking in my oven (almost burnt it lmao) will definitely be watching part 2 next week!

[@LOperatorium]

Well this temporary set up is perfect for the nuanced you ^^ Thank you for all the content and please take your time reajusting !

[@AfroTae]

I always learn so much from your channel. You made me realize why I’m so burnout now with everything going on I’m so empathetic and can barely function because I feel others sorrow, grief and trauma with my whole body. I didn’t realize neurotypical didn’t really feel it that way. No wonder they can dissociate and look past hardships.

[@alo2285]

46:03 yes!!!! This!!! People will throw all these labels at a person like toxic, manipulative, rude aggressive, etc... but never explained anything about why. People do this to me all the time leaving me to dwell on it instead of just addressing how to converse better. It's so annoying to here all the time thet people are open to communicating but then never actually open communicate at someonene else's levels. How are people supposed to learn "proper" communication if no one takes the time to correct and teach.

[@imperfectworldimperfecthum5015]

Ooo 👀 I am very much looking forward to that next video. I’m a late diagnosed black trans person and my experience with autism is so so different than the white experiences I’ve heard. Thank you for speaking on this and great video :) Love love the nuance.

[@like90]

This really brought up a lot of things that I experienced as a kid and also things that I still experience. I just really related to everyone in that video in someway or another.

[@fatymah1138]

IRENE YOURE ON FIRE THE TEASER FOR NEXT WEEKS VIDEO MADE ME ACTUALLY DO A CHEFS KISS

[@hoflandmm]

You have inspired me to start filming my experiences being an undiagnosed, minority, nurse... it's been a draining ride that has almost killed me multiple times. I'm ready to share my story.

[@melissad8824]

Growing up, my mother (who is probably undiagnosed autistic) would point out others' social fails to me. At the time, she was my best friend so I viewed the judgementalism as what girlfriends did together (this was also in the '90s). Now as a self-diagnosed autistic, I see that behavior through two perspectives. On the one hand, it was very "mean girl" like to judge others so much. On the other hand, I can see how maybe she was trying to teach me how to mask better in public by learning from others' mistakes. I now have to constantly fight not to lapse back into that old judgmental mindset and try to empathize with others instead, to work to imagine valid reasons for others' behaviors instead of immediately wanting to label them as "wrong" or "right". Maybe it's also an autistic trait to want to label people, behaviors, and things so we more easily know how to handle them?

[@mairmatt]

It's so easy to tell if someone has autism. It's in that bag this person always carrys around. Very simple. And I'm definetly not autistic because I speak sarcasm fluently since the 1970s.

[@acemarvel1564]

For some of us it takes one to know one

[@haydenzhong4341]

True, I carry my autism everywhere I go and everyone asks what store I got it from

[@jaycubes]

@@em-635 all my autistic friends get this lil bag at kohls for their autism :)

[@dannyvalward1524]

I don't know if a lot of people speak as fluently as you 😅

[@mairmatt]

@@dannyvalward1524 - How many languages do you speak? Zwinkersmiley. And as an afterthought: Perhaps you should practise "respecting the elders". Regardless how old you are. Cause some of us older autistic individuals just don't have any energy left to waste in kindergarten fights.

[@rkivelover]

12:00 completely agree, as a low support needs autistic with a high support needs older brother I have watched my mother fight over and over for him to be properly cared for, and she has a whole screening process for carers and occasionally goes to spy on them to make sure they're doing what they say they are. We've had several carers who have neglected their duties, including one who told my mother that she was taking my brother out swimming on weekends, but my brother always returned completely dry, so one day she followed them out and found out that she was actually just dragging this nonverbal, obedient child who could not assert his own needs to go shopping with her. Mentally disabled children and adults must be protected.

[@mydogsareneat]

My mom tried to fight my dad and his family for me. Pudenal neuralgia, cardio myopathy? Severe addiction and depression. They make the people who love us pay.

[@kdjets]

I had a great friend group once and ever since highschool ended, drama happened, and it's so difficult to get a group again

[@hemn8682]

when you were talking about empathizing, I had a mini flashback of being a kid watching ben stiller movies with my parents. they used to look over at me every time he did something embarrassing because i would immediately try to hide under the couch cushions.

[@garrettwilliams6246]

“VOICE YOUR GRAY OPINIONS” #thatpart #thatpart #thatpart

[@leetrevor59]

ya when that guy was expressing him not being able to make friends was very tough to watch. I was bullied and I had a lot of childhood trauma, including sexually harassed and dealt with systemic racism during my high school days. I had a difficult time making friends, but there were people in my elementary school that appreciated me for who I am and I was able to socialize with them no matter their perspective on my disability.

[@Kyokyu9]

My gosh, learning to juggle more than one person at a time is a whole ride. I've always been so poor at relating to others, except one on one. The lonliness is real. I have tried living with others, just to have more people around, but i couldnt handle the lack of control over the living space. I tend to need things clean and tidy. I don't stay caught up with others, especially when dating, or discovering a new friend, even tho i love my friends and want to spend more time with them. Life is messy. We're all just doing our best.

[@Kyokyu9]

I had to apologize to one of my friends of many years, after realizing I was masking and that internalized ableism was what caused me to be horrid to her when we first met. She stimmed and expressed sensory issues without making a big deal out of it, and was happy being weird, while I was forced to try to "be normal" in order to be accepted and liked. I resented her ability to love herself, even that little bit. It was rough accepting that I was so mean and having to learn that I didn't just direct that mean-ness at myself.

[@Say_yo_jay]

amazing video thank you 🙏🏼

[@kcb1995]

24:28 You asked how the conversation shifted from disabled to the r-word. I imagine others may have pointed this out but rather than read through a bunch of comments looking for it I wanted to comment just in case. The shift from disabled to the R-word happened because within the discussion about why the word disabled is not offensive a few of the autistic participants specifically referenced the R-word as being offensive when explaining that they DO NOT find the word disabled offensive. This eventually led the interviewer asking the question of whether or not the r-word had any nuance to whether or not it was offensive. From how he asked, he wasn't trying to stir the pot. Rather, it seemed like he came up with a genuine follow-up question where he already sort of knew what the answer would be but wanted to open the floor for it to be said explicitly on the episode since the participants were ultimately the ones who brought it up and it probably wasn't in the script to ask about later.

[@Runs_with_Scissors]

Your eyebrows are PERFECT!

[@scarletkittyeyes]

I appreciate you so much!

[@etcwhatever]

Yeah its normal that you want to somehow change the format of your videos or content. All of us change throughout the years. Im sure your content will still be awesome. ❤

[@RamonaGelosi]

the part where you talk about low support needs autistics was SO important for me. I related to it a lot, thank you ❤

[@neon.neutral]

Me: im actually doing well with having multiple friends at once! Irene: we can when we are single and unemployed Also me: currently single and unemployed 😅

[@ZeonGenesis]

Fun fact, I'm getting diagnosed for asperger's in Denmark, as the new ICD 11 still hasn't rolled in. So there are countries where asperger's is still a current diagnosis despite the controversy of its origins.

[@antoinettefuller5519]

24:54 I vividly remember going to throw away my lunch and seeing people I thought were my friends doing a Christmas gift exchange with each other. I was never told about it maybe Because they weren't actually my friends anymore but I don't remember them ever telling me they didn't want to be friends. That happened alot tho so I just stopped trying to have friends it hurts to much.

[@flam_buoy]

Jesus that hits home

[@elizabethaucoin6290]

I remember that when that experience became prevalent, there was nothing quite like the relief I felt when I didn't have to encounter those people again, in that moment I felt free.

[@itsonlyemmaa]

I would love to hear your thoughts on Love on the Spectrum!

[@nikkihamilton8951]

You are not alone, Irene... it was a lot of people are masking a lot around this world

[@sonnyc.9259]

I love these reaction videos.

[@serenatsukino5252]

I really commend you for giving the mom so much grace. I think people made her seem worse than what she is.

[@classicxlolita]

I think Abby uses her mom to check to see if what she wants to say is socially appropriate or even just safe to say on camera. Her mom knows Abby so well it's like she know what she is going to say just from Abby saying "can I explain little mermaid?" I do this with my husband sometimes when I want to share something personal but that might be over sharing or too much.

[@junkyard_dog18]

ive never had an autistic friend but watching this i cried because i felt like i really understood people for the first time. i want to be their friend :')

[@aadpiraat7126]

So where you from?

[@aadpiraat7126]

So where you from?

[@MichelleColeMicaela]

6:43 😭 this me in school right now and I am struggling very hard with life ending thoughts.

[@melissad8824]

It seems to be very common for people on the spectrum to be bullied by members of our same gender, and more readily accepted by the opposite gender. Maybe it's because the opposite gender just writes off our differences as due to being of the opposite gender from them, so they don't judge us for it? Growing up, I was also bullied by fellow females, and gravitated towards hanging out with boys from elementary school right up through high school and college. Because of it, one particularly horrible female 5th grade teacher called me out in front of the entire classroom, telling me that it was not acceptable for me to play with the boys on the playground at recess because supposedly it gave the wrong impression.

[@Catlily5]

I am a woman and more males bullied me for some reason. But I may not be the norm.

[@Catlily5]

That teacher you had sucks. I was bullied by my 3rd grade teacher who was a woman. She was mean to other kids too. But the meanest to me and another girl who had flunked.

[@BrentWigginsWords]

Being autistic is like being in an SNL sketch. Everyone has cue cards, but yours are often times left blank. There were too many times to count when I would smile or laugh just to mask and fit in with the group and their social cues. When I smile or laugh about my own pains, I do it because I know I understand my situation better than anyone else. I can have a smirk and chuckle to myself because I know how I've been through it before. This coping mechanism of not taking myself seriously over something serious as my neurodiversity or autism does not always work. In large groups (and in rooms that amplify the volume of conversations to the point where you have to yell louder each time you speak), I can become nonverbal. If I'm talking to you one-on-one in a large group without their attention, I'm fine. When I have all the attention on me, I can again become nonverbal. The catch-22 is no one else often understands that acute sensory perception that gets stigmatized, including those who do take advantage of our empathetic ways or genuine honesty, actions, and behavior, whether they know it or not. Another catch-22 is even though when I'm alone and have control over the steps I want to take without judgment, I can still get lonely. The connections I want to make with people are not the ones of little substance or where small talk is king. They are not with people I already know, despite the familiarity and comfort. At times, it's upsetting and belittling for me to have to rely on my parents, to ask questions that I should have already known or been taught the answers to before entering adulthood. Not being able to relate to everyone is a blessing and a curse. A blessing because not everyone is going to like you and you don't need to impress anyone except yourself. A curse because you need a mutual and meaningful connection, which takes time and energy, that will accommodate those involved and be to your benefit.

[@capriglione1]

Love your videos! 🫶

[@veracuman9018]

For me, I'm always the friend left by my own out of nowhere when my friends start a romantic relationship. For me, If someone can hold previous relationships, should stop and explain why before going for one relationship to another. I would be sad, but not creepling sad.

[@veracuman9018]

I mean, if a romantic partner eventually engages in a relationship or hobby, or work thing whatever, that means this person will meet with you once a year instead of twice a week, you would expect NOTHING but telling and explain it. Why not in a friendship????

[@mathemago]

This new moon has been crazy, you aint alone on resetting ❤️

[@AA-cf4es]

I like your bangs

[@paulinejulien9191]

Yayy I can’t wait, I’ve been hoping for an autistic KZbinr to do a review of it, I watched it when it came out and was quite disappointed/frustrated with it to say the least…

[@nimue325]

I appreciate your help thinking about disability and support. I have only earned enough money to support myself one year and that was a year when I was not doing anything connected to my skill set plus I was profoundly unhappy. I also have a ton of student debt, struggle to manage financial tasks like taxes, and once accepted a job as a lawyer for $11,000 per year because I was told that was what I was worth. People see someone with educational and professional qualifications and don’t understand that I am worried about how I will manage once my parents aren’t around to serve as my advisory panel as well as providing me with a home. For a long time, I worked inside myself on assumptions about what people couldn’t do and ableism, and this is helping me also recognize the opposite side with assumptions about what support I need.

[@shanti1445]

I had to go home to recharge and restart my life 3 years later all I do is try to get space to recharge and restart I’m completely burnt out and stuck here