Understanding the lack of safety in narcissistic relationships

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DISCLAIMER: THIS INFORMATION IS FOR EDUCATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY AND IS NOT INTENDED TO BE A SUBSTITUTE FOR CLINICAL CARE. PLEASE CONSULT A HEALTH CARE PROVIDER FOR GUIDANCE SPECIFIC TO YOUR CASE. THIS VIDEO DISCUSSES NARCISSISM IN GENERAL.
THE VIDEO DOES NOT REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AND SHOULD NOT BE USED TO REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AS HAVING NARCISSISM. PERMISSION IS NOT GRANTED TO LINK TO OR REPOST THIS VIDEO, ESPECIALLY TO SUPPORT AN ALLEGATION THAT THE MAKERS OF THIS VIDEO BELIEVE, OR SUPPORT A CLAIM, THAT A SPECIFIC PERSON IS A NARCISSIST. THAT WOULD BE AN UNAUTHORIZED MISUSE OF THE VIDEO AND THE INFORMATION FEATURED IN IT.

[@nokiaa6120]

Narcissists go from "I will always be there for you, no matter what, every time you need me" to ghosting overnight.

[@prettybrown8886]

Seriously! I thought I was in a safe relationship until one day the switch flipped.

[@LisaLee123]

I feel you on that.

[@bodinewaterfire5744]

and back again- and again- and back- here -gone- back again. wtf

[@Julia-kv2po]

i wanna know why they ghost us when we need them, for real

[@elainelewis6935]

Oh I'll never leave you we're family ! Yeah right! I stopped believing that after the third discard

[@NickyM_0]

There is a definite lack of safety. Narcissistic relationships will always be confusing and emotionally draining.

[@lilmissfire49]

That is the absolute truth

[@casperinsight3524]

Mentally, physically, emotionally, financially and spiritually drained

[@istateyourname4710]

The term "emotional vampire" is quite accurate.

[@jcat5100]

Confusing and emotionally draining. YES.

[@parisz]

Amen!!!!

[@mfar3016]

When you feel you can’t be yourself, it’s time to run for the hills!

[@meghanmack1500]

So simple and yet so difficult. This is right. Why am I not doing it?

[@keariewashburn4680]

Yes, exactly

[@diane2413]

I feel like I know what I need to do but why am I searching for another answer? I guess I am waiting for someone to tell me that I am wrong and there is a way to save this relationship

[@daniellestevens5824]

@@meghanmack1500 Could it be confusion and fear are why?

[@meghanmack1500]

@@daniellestevens5824 absolutely!!! Mostly confusion

[@artwithmamafairybreadd]

Being UNSAFE means you cant be YOU, means you can’t show your feelings, your emotions, means you can’t share your thoughts ....

[@kajja27]

I could never share my thoughts with yhe narc

[@user-nl4yn5yo4o]

They are a bunch of psychos who play sick games and try to manipulate people to get their way.

[@tiffe4772]

Thanks for defining it. I knew a guy who was with a woman who was seeing someone else and he said if he left her he would be a narcissist.

[@user-nl4yn5yo4o]

@@tiffe4772 Wow that is truly sick. What a horrible way to gaslight someone, completely disregard their feelings & keep them in the relationship. These people will stop at nothing & they will literally do things that are so clearly immoral, but will always find a way to justify their actions. And then if you call them out on it, they act innocent/play dumb & ask, "What's the problem? What's the big deal? I didn't do anything wrong?". They want their cake & eat it too.

[@tiffe4772]

@@user-nl4yn5yo4o I don't think she tried to stay. His past abuse told him if he ever broke up with anyone then he was a narcissist

[@phemyda94]

When you grow up with a narcissist parent, you learn that if you relax in the presence of other people, even for a minute, you will be mocked and humiliated. Safe relationships actually feel threatening because when you feel yourself relaxing around someone else it triggers that DANGER! DANGER! alarm

[@monikastepien7543]

Again.Thank you sooo much. After 10 years of my blindness I know what is wrong. I knew that something was wrog but I didn’t know what.It is so simple to understand now My husband covered my eyes. I was living his way He was in my head all the time.

[@marysunderland4314]

Exactly! And it triggered a full blown anxiety attack! But then how do you know when it is a safe situation? Someone very interesting has made advances but I'm terrified that he is not sincere.

[@betsyd593]

@@marysunderland4314 That is understandable. It is very scary to think about entering a relationship after you have dealt with abuse.

[@lakshmimuralidharan8294]

Be safe dear. Let love touch you deeply and gently.

[@NicoleElissaLoveCoach]

for me, it was that I was going to be criticized.

[@messianichebrewshawnkawcak1550]

Dealing with a narcissist is like navigating a minefield.

[@phoenixrising8007]

Pat Benetar- Love is a battlefield

[@suzannebowers8634]

Yes, yes and YES!!! You don’t know if the next step you take will be on that live hand grenade.

[@havefaithinGod715]

I am a single man ..surrounded by Narc women and co dependent toxic men...two of the narc women tried to pick a fight with me 3 days ago ...the next day her husband was found dead...she said it was a heart stroke but doctors said he was suffocated....then she said it was a suicide and that her husband hanged herself....she is on the run ...I am so glad that I did not react when she tried to provoke me to a fight....I am really grateful to Lord that I did not break no contact .or I would have gotten myself involved in abetment to suicide....please friends dont ever break NC...you never know what these narcs have planned, why they want to meet you at a specific place everything they do have ulterior and sinister motives....never feel confident to break No Contact...they are pure evil...guard your life and stay safe ...while she is on the run her toxic co dependent son has come to arrange father's funeral...so as Jesus said let the dead bury the dead..

[@phoenixrising8007]

Daniel Defoe Narcissism is a spectrum You’re referring to a highly dangerous narcissist or psychopath

[@lashondaward2924]

Indeed it is because they all WAYS plotting and setting up landmines to destroy you - FACTS

[@TYGZus777]

Having to censor yourself as a child because you know other family members feelings are more important than your own sets us up for very deep rooted pain.

[@dotendit]

Yes, very familiar. You are being offered and later become an easy prey like this for others, too...

[@jeannieneuser5316]

Mary, I see you. I feel that, too. You matter. You are the most important relationship you will ever have. And, you are the only person you have to please in this life. Sending love and blessings. 💖

[@ralucamadalinasarau2600]

Oh yeeees, society teach us to be there for others.... First

[@katarina9983]

Yes, and every thought you have takes them into account first. What and how you feel is irrelevant. It's all about managing them. How they will feel and react to something that happened to you. How to break the bad news to them, when it's them who should be consoling us.

[@redredkroovy]

@@katarina9983 absolutely,well said

[@judythorsgaard4388]

I never realized I felt unsafe with him until I went no contact. The first night I was truly alone, I felt safe, protected, and loved, for the first time in years.

[@ab6565]

I'm sorry you went through that but I'm so happy that you feel all of those wonderful things now. Thank you for sharing.

[@life-rethought]

amen. that first big EXHALE when you lock the door and know you are safe. and lie down in bed and relax. beyond words. and you never forget that moment.

[@poppyseed5056]

"they had to be more careful of their parents' feelings than their own" felt this.

[@ATeaNTea]

I was like that then I waa like let me be myself cause my mom dont deal with me like that anyway

[@cheryldenkins1597]

In delivery with my first child, trying not to be too loud. I didn't want to scare my mom.

[@ATeaNTea]

@@cheryldenkins1597 you cant be yourself Dinkins

[@margomazzeo1680]

I grew up like that..my feelings came second to my parents..

[@pajamacladangel9920]

Right

[@alicec.6195]

Being in a relationship with a narcissist is never making long term plans because you know they might leave you at any time for any reason.

[@Joe-to8og]

you should be the one making plans to leave because if the narc is planning to leave it means they have nothing more to gain from you because the have taken everything including your soul.

[@sabat8068]

I won't agree here. I find that in contrary, they won't ever want to let you go. My husband gets mad when i talk about separation. Then lovebombing starts which i know now is just a tool to keep you by.

[@nataliableu6390]

Since they know they will leave in the end, why start? Me: 🏃‍♀️/👩‍🦽/⛷

[@dominicpavis4024]

I could never book a flight or plan a vacation because I knew she would not be on the plane. It sucked! Two times we went to Vegas, she left me both times while there. It's crazy

[@accountcompromised2166]

I agree, this happened to me. Years ago I dated this Narcissistic man that said he was in love with me and proposed to me. He asked to borrow money to get his car repaired promising to pay me back in a couple of days. I literally loaned him everything that I had to my name to get his car fixed. When he came to visit I asked about the money he owed me because I desperately needed food he said " Tomorrow morning, I will pay you back the money I owe you and also I will take you to the grocery store to buy food". The next day came no call, now show he ghosted me for 2 weeks all my calls went to voice mail. He finally randomly left a note on my door when I wasn't home with some lame excuse for his absence. During his absence I found out he was already married. I called him and ended the relationship. Every day after that he threatened me with physical harm and even his flying monkey friends were threatening me saying I shouldn't have broke up with him and I was going to get my ass whipped.

[@medardocuevas]

Omg she is dead on.... You can go from being the best ever to not being good at anything...in a second

[@Startupsandsushi]

The flip flop is enough to give you a whiplash. Narcs go from idealization to devaluation within 1 text, email, comment, or minor (or imagined) transgression you made.

[@l.5832]

"quit crying or I'll give you something to cry about". Note to self: don't bother expressing your needs.

[@ab6565]

Sometimes the crying triggers their shame... which means it simultaneously activates their rage.

[@victoriapanagiotou2677]

Omg, this is my husband, or soon to be ex husband. The kids crying just set something off in him, he couldn't cope. Instead of making them feel better he would just threaten them.

[@amadapittaluga1487]

I heard that one a lot right after being beaten up to a pulp

[@irenahabe2855]

OMG, been there lived that... 🎯💯

[@sheilacrew7728]

They are exhausting trying to not inflame their sensitivities.

[@casperinsight3524]

Black Weirdo, and perpetually punished

[@erinkayeozga9947]

Sheila Crew my Ex Narc would claim she was “HSP” highly sensitive person!

[@natashastewart8203]

Everything and anything that you or anyone else says to them is an attack, especially accountability.

[@Dee33636]

@Black Weirdo yes, and completely oblivious to how offensive THEY are in almost every interaction.

[@katherineprongos3929]

Well put!

[@artluver1329]

I grew up feeling unsafe...always told I was "too sensitive" - was sooo unhappy. It's been decades and I haven't found anyone I can totally be my authentic self with (alone w/my pets feels the best!)

[@ljo0605]

"Too sensitive" being translated to you actually having a heart and being in touch with your emotions.

[@jankotze2795]

That’s the price to pay as an Empath. We give everything and then we get walked over. Better to be alone than being someone you’re not, get used and hurt. Good people out there, have faith!

[@kayb6803]

@@ljo0605 also "too sensitive" can also be translated as "you have appropriate boundaries and you are well aware when someone crosses them."

[@bereal6590]

@@kayb6803 beautiful comment thank u ✌️🙏

[@bereal6590]

U r not alone 🐱🐱🐇🐇

[@frankcrawford416]

I can't even tell her I had a bad day nor express a negative emotion.

[@oscarfletcher9907]

Wow I can so relate to this, she was never ever interesting in my days let alone how I felt, she never let me speak and when I did Bam!! She would run right over anything i said and would interrupt me. So disappointed being sapped.

[@amadapittaluga1487]

It's so devastating when your feelings are unvalidated and the narc sides with whatever or whoever is tormenting you

[@LauraL1957]

Being in a relationship with a narc is the true meaning of conditional love.... :(

[@goodra999]

or you easily lure them in

[@JJ-iq8mi]

There is no love.

[@thereseservais924]

I have found unconditionnal love.

[@RippleDrop.]

Except it's not love. They merely tolerate you. It's ALL about them. Their feelings for you depend on them perceiving how much you can be extracted for their usage.

[@tainawilliams6271]

Conditional liking

[@LG-vh2gs]

I almost cry because this is so spot on. I couldnt be myself when I was w him, and nothing I’d do was ever right. And if I try to state my own opinion, he’d give me either heavy tantrums or silent treatment. The trauma bond is not easy to recover from. Praying for speedy emotional healing to all. ♥️

[@angelcakesxXx]

I'm so sorry this is happening to you right now too, I'm just coming out of the trauma bond too. I would get the exact same reaction on my own opinions and feelings. It's nice to know we're not alone

[@jaybee2893]

I hope you are doing well. I am so sorry you went through this. So much love to you and I hope you never deal with anything like this again ❤️

[@kyleparker775]

Lawrence Gonzalez I so understand!

[@ewie9347]

You're not alone, Lawrence. Speedy healing to you too ❤️

[@lakshmimuralidharan8294]

Praying for your safety, comfort and love.

[@PaperMario64]

With every video my eyes become more opened. This is all me.

[@shawnicomeaux7425]

Same here.. 😮

[@PaperMario64]

Antonija Tomić more of how my mom raised me than my current relationship.

[@uk8103]

Your mom was doing to you unbelievable damage,now it is big chances that you will do this to your kids unconscious.It takes loads of work to do,to not repeat same behaviour pattern what you seen in your traumatic childhood. You need to change matrix.That can also lead into hurting other people who love you.Because your mother was horrible to you.

[@PaperMario64]

UK thanks for your comment. I agree with you. My mom is codependent with vulnerable narcissist traits. My father was an addict and so we were never as important as his next fix. My upbringing made me decide early that I do not want children. I’m older now and I do have feelings of regret, but I am thankful that I’ve learned about narcissism and codependency at this point so that I ca recognize patterns and red flags.

[@uk8103]

Paper Mario,wish you all the best 💓

[@wildheartfree420]

“Feeling unsafe means you can’t be you” ❤️🔥

[@clayandputtyvideos1647]

Makes me cry. I wished I had someone in my life who supported me.

[@dhanyaslifeventure]

To all the narc survivors out there, including me.I want everyone of us to live happily, forget this narc abuse if in case detached from them,move on,carry good memories,bag the lessons,but trust in yourself and God,let's bounce back with all peace and bliss.We have one life.

[@Hundredacredaycare]

shilpa patil ❤️🙏🏻❤️

[@nayanaramesh1252]

Absolutely! May God continue to be kind to us as HE has delivered us survivors from these demons! Let us rejoice in the Lord Jesus Christ our wonderful savior compassionate conquered Christ amazing Grace. Amen

[@kimsmith819]

Very sweet message. Hugs to you for it. We are tougher than the crap we are putting up with. We all need to make a plan and move on in life. Its better to be a little lonely than miserable

[@VeBe28]

Thanks for that and wish you the best too! Peace and Happiness .

[@dhanyaslifeventure]

@@kimsmith819 so sweet

[@elecrticbubblegum22d]

When you talk about wanting to cry and wanting someone to wrap your arms around you, but instead you get minimized, invalidated, and made fun of, it hit me hard. This is something I deal with with my partner who I still question whether or not they are really a narcissist or I’m just over reacting. Thank you Dr. Ramani for all of your clarity and kindness towards people in abusive relationships.

[@imperfectillustration6261]

lilwhomst? I understand what you’re going through because I used to do the same thing. I questioned myself and the “gut” instinct I felt everytime I was invalidated by my Nwife. I’m still with her, but planning my exit and beginning my healing process. Here are a series of questions I got from another YT channel that have helped me figure out why I doubt myself and ignore my feelings. Be honest with yourself and ask yourself these questions to help figure out where your own wounds are that empower the narcissist in your life. Once you heal, you’ll learn to set boundaries and not ignore your inner voice for anyone! 1. When I ignore my inner being why do I do this? What am I scared about happening if I was to confront and speak up? 2. Do I let people talk me out of investigating and following through to find out the truth? Why? 3. When i discover truths that aren’t aligned with my values do I self abandon and make excuses for a person’s behavior?Why?

[@victoriavitoroulis3273]

If it’s toxic .. that’s all you need too know

[@narcfreeatlast6975]

Lil, You’re probably high on emotional thinking dear. The questioning is a sign of emotional thinking. If his behaviors are a pattern and the relationship is toxic. Then it’s enough reason to exit. But be careful of FAB, which stands for fading affect bias. It’s our brains ability to forget the negative things before the positive things during no contact. You can either give up or die trying to fix these individuals. I’m sending you warm hugs, thoughts and wish you the best. We’re a community of narc abuse survivors who cheer on people like you.

[@narcfreeatlast6975]

Victoria Vitoroulis Yup. Narc or not, if it’s toxic beyond repair, it’s time to wake up to reality, get out and stay out.

[@WilmaJeanTV]

He is, a true narc, no question about it. Same here. Now I have become “tougher” over the years, he jokes that I’m “too tough”... You have to work on your self quieter, stealthily. And sadly, behind his back. Stop expecting to hold you, help you and protect you.

[@dottyp137]

I’ve had narcissists rage at me when I’ve been very distressed. That’s traumatic. Enough to completely break a person. Thank you Dr Ramani 😘

[@mirapatel5852]

Never let your guard down. Living with a narcissist is like selling your soul to the devil. You will never be good enough and you will always be put down for trying to standing up to them. Run as far away as you can from them.

[@jamiefrazier9641]

Well maybe or the complete opposite you become so distanced from their emotional outburst and meditate into your source of serenity and peace that they don't have effect on your emotional state.

[@dottyp137]

@@jamiefrazier9641It was at the hospital, in the room where my dying mother was lying in the bed. The nurse asked me to ask people to leave so they could see to her. I’m a very nice person, so I said it very nicely. He is so narcissistic he had to get the attention on him 🤷‍♀️. They make me sick. Beasts!

[@sami6086]

They intentionally choose a distressing moment that you are going through to rage, get supply, have attention on themselves. I have a severe illness which needs surgery, he always blows up on my worst days, when I have to self care and look after myself. Their drama is never ending

[@cinnamonwalnut1995]

@@sami6086So true. My narc ex always wants to start a fight when he knows I have something important to go to for the day. I don't know why they can't just hold their tongue for a while they just want to go at it whenever they please.

[@angelcakesxXx]

I am just coming out of a relationship with someone who made me feel so unsafe and unheard every day - he twisted every conversation round and told ME that I made HIM feel unsafe and like he couldn't speak his mind without me invalidating him. It made me feel crazy for months and I looked at how I could change - turns out the only way he felt comfortable communicating with me was if I just stayed quiet and let him be right every time. He constantly projected onto me and if I ever had any emotion that didn't suit him I would be told I was too sensitive or too needy or too opinionated. Honestly can't believe how blinded I was to this abuse but it is comforting to know that I'm not actually crazy lol. Sending love and healing vibes to everyone ❤️

[@winnieamar9368]

Wow! Thankyou for articulating my experience so well!

[@angelcakesxXx]

@@winnieamar9368 my pleasure 🙏🏻

[@adimeter]

It happens to all of us. When you don't know, you just don't know.

[@andreastout7967]

Are you in nj? Bc sounds exactly like my ex lol but I guess there’s a lot of them out there😰

[@anniecarbonneau1634]

I want to finally feel safe and loved for the first time in my life.

[@pandoraw259]

Me too.

[@jenniferlayne7207]

@Black Weirdo beautiful. Thank you.

[@jeffinetlyjeffbi9770]

Me too

[@hydratheorganism9639]

You’ll be there. There are much more love out there than you can even imagine.

[@lousilver5852]

@Black Weirdo Thank you! I enjoyed reading 'Desiderata' again after many years.

[@nelumbonucifera148]

Safe relationship is one where we have the freedom to be ourselves without worrying about how others will react negatively to it. When we are conditioned by Narcs to behave in only the way that’s acceptable to them, the relationship becomes stifling and suffocating. The constant anxiety of walking on eggshells around them and their toxicity feels like living in a minefield. It’s just a matter of time before the Narc acts up. I understand now why I dreaded going home after spending time with healthy people.

[@shawnicomeaux7425]

Omg.. this is exactly how most of the time around him. I feel like I can't just be comfortable in my own home 😟

[@genevalawrence801]

@Black Weirdo , that's an excellent metaphor for what it feels like when abuse intensifies.

[@casperinsight3524]

Boom 💥 Visiting the parents after NC ~ Welcome back to the Insanity

[@jenniferderrickadams341]

And they expect you to just fall in line...

[@jenniferderrickadams341]

Lia N. Gkasouka sounding isn't being. It's not narcissistic to advocate for oneself. You are still capable of compassion, empathy and the ability to self reflect.

[@mamalex5]

Every time I rewatch this video, I cry my eyes out. Realizing that someone understands just how unsafe I have felt in the various narcissistic relationships is as you say, like receiving a whole bunch of hugs at once. Thank you Dr. Ramani!

[@robinschrock7328]

Agreed, and what if I become one because you were raised by one or two or more?

[@robinschrock7328]

Thank you so much 💕 Dr Ramani! Tears of hope for a better tomorrow and yet, acknowledging within that not only have I been forced to work, live and forced to trust narcissist, I have for the most part behaved this way. Is there hope?

[@alexisscarbrough4083]

I'm with you, fellow mamalex

[@joemanly9519]

I just turned 62. Every day of my life I feel like I'm standing on the edge of a cliff. The gift of a narcissistic mother.

[@danielenriquez9342]

The amount of respect and admiration I have for Dr. Ramani is immense.

[@lisaterry8894]

I felt like I carried the emotions of the family and went through everything alone. You learn to expect nothing. What you do and who you are is never enough, and they say, “what have you done for me lately?”

[@k_something6124]

I was telling one ( after everything suddenly just connected and came to light) how they just manipulated me. I poured my heart out to them, but did it in a way where I was expecting him to meet me on some type of common ground to where we could both come up with a way to be better with each other. All he said back was- "What have you done for me". I was so shocked, confused and taken back......

[@laurac.9322]

They definitely dont give the responses that you would think..or what you would even hope for.

[@sunshineandrain3777]

@@laurac.9322 I agree

[@tigerlilykitty3281]

“I have absolutely NO help!”

[@loveystar78cloud46]

Same here.

[@kaymackay1161]

After being with my spouse for over 35 years, I finally have found the why! The cry of my heart, the 10 thousand tears, the years of longing for and going without. I am speechless. It.is.all.here. Thank you for these heartfelt words. Thank you for speaking truth into my life. Bless you!

[@tgreenhow3369]

Thank God you survived.🙏

[@jolesliewhitten6545]

Be careful. Don’t tell partner you are leaving. VERY DANGEROUS. Plan quietly and run.

[@titarutledge431]

I cry when someone is nice to me, so often. I grew up in a family of narcissists, unfortunately, and these talks sure help me understand what I lived thru and am still dealing with at 65 with my narci older sister.

[@jeanettecastle7916]

I also cry at times when people are nice to me. I also grew up in a family of narcs and am currently married to one. I've never had a "safe" place in my family. Thank goodness for therapists who provide a safe place. Wonder what Dr. Ramani charges? I so appreciate all of the free information she provides.

[@kaitlincox9714]

When my husband is nice to me I can only think. What do you want from me?

[@life-rethought]

you are not alone. I walk your same path. I am humbled beyond words when people help me.

[@bitchenboutique6953]

The fear and “walking on eggshells,” for me, wasn’t even a conscious thing. I was conditioned SO QUICKLY to cater to his fragility. The day that he blew up at me the very last time, I told him TO HIS FACE that the reason why I had realized we weren’t friends was because I realized that every time I communicated with him, in person, in text or email, I approached him with fear. Fear of making him angry. Fear of upsetting him. So his “I’m sick of your Pollyanna Hayley Mills bullshit” was his own doing because he MADE me talk to him that way. But of course nothing can be his fault, ever.

[@bitchenboutique6953]

I honestly don’t hate him, despite how emotionally abusive he was to me. I have a lot of compassion for him. I know he’s broken. I know he was raised by wolves. It’s not an excuse, and he needs to do better. But he’s been in therapy for a while and I’ve already seen him work through a lot of other difficult problems, so I believe he can beat this, assuming he’s honest with his therapist. He just needs to do it without me. I gave him enough cheerleading and encouragement to last a lifetime. No more.

[@bitchenboutique6953]

Tami Witte I never said he has NPD. He might have BPD. Maybe. But he definitely doesn’t tick the boxes for NPD. He’s just a regular ol’ narcissist.

[@kennethjenkins1094]

Nothing is ever their fault. Everything is always blamed on something else and there is an excuse for everything!

[@mandaJt]

My ex actually said to me one night, after I had apologized for things (which in hindsight, I realized were not things I should have been apologizing for) "I would like to apologize but I don't believe I have anything to apologize for." 🤔 And that was basically the dynamic of our relationship for the next couple of months until I kicked him out.

[@gretalas9092]

Wow!! This is exactly how my relationship was. I could not talk to him about stuff that was important to ME without him blowing up. And then he discarded me because he said he was annoyed of how insecure I was when it came to communication HAHA

[@hilindabohler7471]

Narcissistic relationships.kills the person and voice inside of you,and make you blind against all the abuse..you learn not to feel,not to speak and not to react,and not to recognize what is wrong and unsafe. A surviving skill to get through each day,numbing. Especially if you have no where to go.before you know...you will be imprisoned into a life where you dont belong to youself.....notice the warning signs...get out while you can...listen and look out for the warnings signs,before it is too late..

[@beekay9607]

Exactly. When I got out, I was numb. A shell of myself. It was a very dark place.

[@sospita_]

The relationship can easily turn into a shared psychosis. Not safe> Not safe at all.

[@booksie1]

So true!

[@mbm3099]

True...l dont feel...l am cold

[@surayaji9950]

A child cannot easily get out, they think its 'normal '. Half my life I believed it was all my fault.

[@tomekamontegue5122]

I know that I create safe environments for the people I love but I don’t recall having many relationships where this was done for me.

[@jodyayers4592]

It's an interesting position to be in. The one that everyone turns to, has no one to turn to. ❤

[@mondobizarro1868]

OMIGAWSH THIS. SO MUCH THIS!!!

[@user-qt1le6ih6i]

I always get anxious around them and my words get mixed up. That's the difference between being around a narcissist and a non-narcissist. Around a non-narcissist I'm more relaxed and can string two sentences together and laugh. Being around a narcissist is like being around a crocodile. You just don't know when they're going to bite or what will set them off. With a narcissist, it's constantly walking on egg-shells, never knowing when they're going to explode for things non-narcissists wouldn't get rageful about, like mentioning how your day went. It's all about them. What you think, feel and love, is scorned, mocked, ignored, and seen as irrelevant.

[@yellowbird2157]

Exactly - just when you think you’ve safely navigated around all that triggers him - wham/slash/snap the crocodile narcisist attacks.

[@brainboosterrva2320]

OMG OMG OMG !!! I became less and less of myself as the years went by!!! I was constantly minimized. My feelings were constantly challenged. My space with him was emotionally UNSAFE! I walked away from him less than a year ago after decades of not understanding who he was. I'm learning so much!

[@phoenixmode6909]

On top of that, I'm told that's all on ME that I feel the way I do. No responsibility taken by the N.

[@msbrumbaugh1749]

I'm glad you got out. I really get what you're saying.

[@msbrumbaugh1749]

@@phoenixmode6909 Yes, I get that too. In trouble for feeling hurt, for feeling confused, for feeling controlled, for figuring it out....he told me he didn't want to live with a woman who felt she was controlled (that was an insult to him and just my weakness)....well, now he doesn't. Yay!!

[@corinnefisher166]

When you feel you must have a list of examples to back up your claim (only to negated regardless)...frustrating to say the least. But when that overflows into proving your emotions/feelings- so very illogical, I was flabbergasted & realized just how sick & toxic my husband was.

[@mariaalfonso685]

Mine beat me down as if he was fighting a man for 3 days, I didn't know why, I loved hi.

[@elsalam8949]

The narcissists have no empathy at all, and this is a horrifying and dangerous relationship while exposing our true self.

[@craig3714]

elsa lam so true my ex acts very entitled and immature. She lies all the time and slander me she's a wolf in sheep's clothing.

[@natashastewart8203]

@@craig3714 So does mine,and my so called friend,who is now one of his unwitting flying monkey's. Unfortunately the saying "fling enough s.. t around, some of it will stick" is true.,but people eventually learn the truth. All that you can do is turn the other cheek, hold your head high, and walk away from such crazy and toxic creatures.

[@craig3714]

@@natashastewart8203 Thanks but they still follow me everywhere I go and shop .

[@rainbowmoonreadings4541]

elsa lam absolutely. They can fake it though

[@craig3714]

@@rainbowmoonreadings4541 They are fakers !

[@dominiquejademorelis2816]

When you said healthy relationships do exist, it hurt my heart because it feels like there is much more narcissists than there is good people, which is why I stay single because I'd rather be alone than ever let a narcissist damage me again.

[@Geosnif2]

Chair !!! 😳. I saw a picture of my Mother and now my natural Father that I was not raised with. He is also more covert. My Mother was more Malignant!!!. I'm so over it 😡!!!!. I've dealt with these parasites my whole life.

[@Geosnif2]

I feel your pain. I didn't even know what NARCISSISM was until about a year ago. I had heard of it but didn't know what it entailed. When I watched Dr Ramani talk about what the symptoms are,,,,, I about fell out of my

[@dominiquejademorelis2816]

I completely emphasise. Its such a shock! I also only discovered Dr. Ramani not that long ago (2 years ago) and realised I was born into a narcissist family and then got into a relationship and friendships with narcissists. I have now removed every single narcissist from my life, including my family and my life has never been happier! I'll never let them back in again. Narcissists destroy lives......

[@Geosnif2]

Thank you so much for sharing. I truly hope all stays well with you. God bless 😊.

[@dominiquejademorelis2816]

@@Geosnif2 You too lovely and I am sorry for the pain they put you through. Embrace your healing journey, even the hard parts of it xx

[@narcsurvivor9917]

I wished someone would have explained to me what "safe" means before I married my narc! Finally after 20years I found the way out- so happy now!

[@pertelote4526]

I was expected to look my best all the time, to stay healthy, energetic and optimistic, in addition to being constantly enthusiastic about his ideas, encouraging and supportive as well as blind to his lies, misdemeanours and petty crimes. I could not be myself at all.

[@carriefriedman6553]

Spot on!!!!!! I was exactly and did exactly what you described!

[@clairemarie3987]

@@carriefriedman6553 That was nearly me however , I got out before it got too serious, I saw a couple of signs but ignored them as I'm the sort of person who thinks no one is perfect so was looking past it. However I looked at his Ex's Facebook page and I could see the signs. She was posting all sorts over her facebook "saying things like, when your ex texts you saying he has changed" and then a woman laughing like "okay hun" and also he was starting to say things like oh you could of made an effort. I was like bye bye.....

[@rikuzavala]

Wow this is so true hit the nail on the head

[@bbooher9663]

SO true! I had no clue what I was getting into.

[@darlalong1957]

My daughter started saying..for no reason.."you should , do this , or that" like I had no free will...I was thnkng..this is weird...in the beginning ...now I'm on to her game. Still extremely painful to accept...but the truth...is the truth.

[@baybeedoll779]

When you realize that every single major relationship that you’ve ever had in life, beginning with your parents, have been this type of relationship. I’ve never felt safe. What’s that like? 😞

[@KD-qc5fr]

My heart breaks for you. Will you take a virtual hug?

[@imjustme2876]

in the same boat as you. Even with well-meaning friends who aren't narcs but I can't be fully myself with them bc they don't understand, if i open up about my problems with my narc family, i often hear the same thing in different words: "i'm sure it's not that bad"

[@katiejka3438]

I'm the same. Never felt safe because my parents were narcs too. Like somebody already said here in the comments, I can only offer you a virtual hug 😟🤗🤗

[@KD-qc5fr]

{{{ }}} 🤗🤗🤗

[@pandoraw259]

Same. I've never felt safe in any relationships.

[@antonyliberopoulos933]

I grew up in a family, where I felt I could not speak my mind. Only now I realize what really lack of safety means. Thank you.

[@elevenkong]

I blamed myself for such a long time that I might be too needy and codepedent in a narcissistic relationship. Now my therapist tells me everyone deserves secured relationships and leaving a narcissist is dodging a huge bullet of life.

[@deadislander]

I've been watching these every day, had a dream Dr Ramani pulled me out of a pool of snakes. Subconscious metaphors be crazy

[@DoctorRamani]

Dead Islander oh wow! 😱

[@deadislander]

DoctorRamani Thank you for the amount of clarity and power

[@Snivebyram]

A pandemic heaped on top of an already unsafe relationship must be like the titanic

[@BestLife101]

I keep telling people, this is the best time to become a notary public. Divorce will be on the rise when this scam-demic is over

[@taralilarose1]

Yeah hopefully it isolated a lot of them and gave their victims an opportunity to leave once and for all.

[@BestLife101]

@@taralilarose1 hopefully it helped people see who their partners really were. It opened alot of eyes. This pandemic has been a blessing and a curse. It helped many wake up to the illusion they were living in and it also caused people to lose their jobs. One is good the other is bad

[@jaybee2893]

@@BestLife101 scam-demic!!! 😂 I know it isn't a laughing matter but that is a pretty accurate phrase.

[@BestLife101]

@@jaybee2893 lol it's a big scam! 🤣

[@bee4123]

im stealing this quote from a story I recently read, "I deserve to feel loved and safe not just *some* of the time, but *all* of the time"

[@tj471]

Me to Narc: I want to try to qualify for the Boston Marathon..." Narc Ex H: "Um, people who qualify are real athletes. That goal is way too ambitious for you." Me at our divorce signing: "I qualified for Boston."

[@clrify]

Congrats!!! I love this on SO many levels!!! As a runner who wanted to qualify for Boston and as someone preparing to leave a Covert narc and getting myself back!!! ❤️

[@tj471]

@@clrify Yes! Good for you! You can do it! I am still working to get my life back... but at least I am narc free (except my dad who I am caring for right now). Part of my self care is running and trying to be easy on myself.

[@oana2784]

Congratulations, well done!! On qualifying and on leaving 🥳 I remember my narc diligently explaining how i am not good for this and that, no reason to try. When I went out and did what I wanted he took credit for my achievements 🤯 'you couldn't have done it without me'. Ffs, i did it in spite of you! Ugh..

[@irenahabe2855]

​ ... I did it IN SPITE of you. Been there done. 👏💪

[@diamondgirl7997]

Spot on. This is why I had panic attacks. Now, he's out of my life and I'm not having them

[@veroniqueh1508]

OMG, YES! Me too!

[@aparnapolisetty9571]

Ditto

[@carolyndavasligil1388]

Me too, sometimes I would even jump when he would appear unexpectedly.

[@carolyndavasligil1388]

Mr too,horrible.

[@BrendaBaBoom]

When the relationship with a Narc is no longer EASY is when you notice it’s no longer SAFE. It is the most eerie, weirdest and creepiest SPACE to be in with this SUBSPECIES from only God knows where.

[@kco9189]

👏🏻👏🏻👏🏻

[@mart242]

That describes it well... And may be why it took so long for many of us to wake up

[@kathrynsmith3417]

I asked a family member to help me do my IRS tax papers for '2019. For yrs I've done my own IRS tax forms, mailed out, no problems with IRS. I gave the family member my '2019 tax papers on June 1st, my filled out tax forms (I made sure to keep copies of all the papers myself.) July 6th I check his business work table & looked at my IRS tax forms folder, checked to see if he had done the work on my tax forms as he promised? No! I gave him more than a month to do the papers, & the deadline to mail in my tax forms was coming soon. Instead of getting angry, yelling at him (he is a narcissist,) I took my folder, with all my IRS tax forms, & left his house, went to post office, finished filling out the forms, xeroxed copies, & then mailed out the forms by registered mail with return receipt requested card enclosed. NEVER will I trust him with my IRS papers, forms again. I learned. Here is the interesting part - he works for the IRS!

[@christar9527]

I think there’s a demonic element to narcissism and it’s been verified in books. One is The People of the Lie by M Scott Peck.

[@suzannebowers8634]

@christar 95 Oh, I totally believe it as their behavior is completely ungodly. It’s one thing for a toddler to act that way, that would be age-appropriate and generally correctable, but when the toddler is (for example here) a 6’ 200lb crazy man, he’s way past the point of no return and that’s an entirely different animal...um, literally. 😈🔥

[@sharonbolton5482]

"Be your authentic self." What the heck does that even mean? I have no clue. If you've spent your life trying to mirror other people, "self" barely exists.

[@bereal6590]

I know what u mean exactly....

[@itsgabgg6781]

Yeah I call myself a chameleon. Growing up in a narc home and dating only narcs, I can be myself but I can also be anything someone else needs. I kinda hate it.

[@terrigoulding559]

It takes time to find our true selves and is a very personal healing journey. By weeding out these people from our life, exploring things that bring us joy while being in a safe environment, finding people we can trust and feeling /expressing our emotions, these are all ways that have helped me. Feeling emotionally safe is my new standard for any close relationships moving forward. I’ve had to learn to love myself and expect to be treated respectfully.

[@KSouthworth]

I met my husband and for the very first time in my whole life I was actually SEEN. SAFE. I’d lay awake at night bawling because I’d never known that feeling before.

[@cliffp.8396]

Excellent teaching tutorial, some us of don't recognize 'safety' in a relationship because we've never known it.

[@cynthiaallen9225]

Or, they've never known there is such a thing and it's okay to expect it.

[@joisimone5609]

🎯

[@ddseir1443]

Once you’ re walking on ice, there`s no goin back. You ‘re already boring to them, devalued and probably already replaced.

[@Nadine9534]

It’s because they see other people as possessions. They don’t love us anymore than their favorite inanimate object.

[@Bethms123]

Describing the relationship as "a maze full of dead ends" landed quite heavily on me. Great video. This whole channel has helped me identify so many toxic patterns and helped me make peace with some outcomes that I couldn't understand. Now I do. Thank you. 🙂

[@judithfowler9150]

I used to call it "being in mom's maze. Great validation by Dr. R!

[@starrycrown]

The constant editing of what I have to say has become a giant red banner to me in friendships. It’s a sign I didn’t realize before. Thanks.

[@imwatching2960]

I don't even know how a safe relationship would look like. All my childhood was about trying to hide my feelings to protect myself. My latest ex let me express my negative feelings for exactly 5 seconds and if my manifestation of it in any way (talking about something that happened, posture, crying) would last longer, he would put on the "stone face" and be angry with me. I felt like shit and it's so liberating being away from this treatment.

[@1986nitya]

SO RELATABLE! And because of this very reason, anxiety courses through my veins like blood.

[@SjofnBM1989]

Same.

[@imwatching2960]

@@1986nitya yes and they even blame us for our anxiety and insecurity!

[@katc3091]

OMG! Ditto! I felt so incredibly alone. Anyone I confided in only said "Its normal for couples to have a fight now and then." Any effort to advocate for yourself only sends you deeper into the quicksand.

[@1986nitya]

@@imwatching2960 Yes. TRUE. The crazymaking is real.

[@mnikaluza4]

When you grow up in a home that is never safe. You dont know what a safe space or relationship is. Thank you for helping me see what safety looks like and feels like. In unsafe homes your body is in fight/flight mode every waking moment. Sometimes it helps for someone to helpl you understand what healthy is.

[@bastondwennon4800]

mnikaluza yuwaste fight or flight every moment...I feel that

[@NH-hp2nn]

Exactly. I’m in fight or flight all the time. This isn’t healthy.

[@christar9527]

Right. I lived in shock and terror every second. That went on till age 60. I don’t know how I am alive.

[@irenahabe2855]

In fight/flight 24/7 as a child and later on. Nights as well.

[@gracebe235]

I wish I had just ONE person like that....that I could feel ‘safe’ with.

[@amberc3728]

❤

[@tulayamalavenapi4028]

Truthfully that person is very rare for the atheistic mentality. I know from experience that bringing God into modern society is considered backwards. I know that NOT bringing God into modern society is suicidal. It's the choice each conditioned living being has to make, but it is the choice between knowing safety and knowing one disaster after another. 🙏🏻🌿🌷🌿

[@christinemurphy4367]

This has been so hard to come to terms with because I don't feel safe with my own Mom . I always knew she was something I couldn't describe or explain but I didn't know until a few years ago that it was called narcissism. I can't relax with her and it's exhausting.

[@villasoka884]

You see history differently now? It wasn't about you, you deserved better! Things can be better now 😊

[@naseemm2930]

In an ideal world, we would all feel safe expressing our feelings and our emotional needs in a relationship. Unfortunately, in a narcissistic relationship, you can’t do any of those things without feeling like you’re being a burden or just expecting way too much. Narcissists shape and mold you into becoming the perfect narcissistic supply so they can get away with doing all kinds of hurtful things to you and you just keep coming back for more. They can’t accomplish any of those things if you feel safe in the relationship. And, it’s not a real relationship anyway, because it’s all about them. They’re extremely selfish people.

[@ancamarr681]

Naseem Motamed they don’t even know they are doing it, maybe with the exception of a malignant narcissist. They are more able to plan and they know what they are doing. The other narcissists are doing it out of instinct to protect the “beast” inside of them from coming out and showing the world who they really are...

[@natashastewart8203]

@@ancamarr681 Malignant narcissists definitely know what they are doing, and why they are doing it. I've had an ex who is one and a co worker. They are both the devil incarnate.

[@pialindeg]

You areso absoutely right

[@ladennayoung2939]

Well there are healthy people you can get in a relationship with.

[@natashastewart8203]

@@ladennayoung2939 That is true, but, at first you don't realise just how unhealthy they are.

[@notagain779]

A friend (whose first language was Chinese) once said to me that someone had made her feel "extinguished at the knees." At the time, I hadn't yet met a narcissist. I just thought her comment was so humorous, but now I understand!

[@ewa5803]

I know exactlybwhat you mean. Even thought of my ex makes me fwll weak in my legs..

[@timothygenaw2199]

I feel safe when I watch Dr. Ramani. So thankful for her expertise. A true doctor and true healer. Gives me hope for humanity.

[@hopehealthhappiness5080]

This is the video I needed. I kept saying I’m codependent and so did my ex. He said I need to learn how to be independent but I only started clinging when I started feeling unsafe because of his behaviors. I’m so used to taking all the blame. This type of relationship really changes you.

[@Yearite84]

I now realize that I have never in my life had a safe relationship 😞 Thank you Ramani.. now I know what to not accept anymore and what to look for.

[@umunasra2382]

Hi dr ramani you are the best

[@gmchilders]

I LOVE THIS SERIES OF TERMS!!! 'Thank you' is highly insufficient to express how valuable your teaching has been to me and my adult daughter. We cant afford counseling, so you are quite literally our Angel! (Messenger of hope) Hugs from Sunny Florida!

[@geetasingh7271]

Hi 12 year off abused realitionship .finiely try to understsd abuse.negelction.putining blame and shame on me .where i am the some who suffer a lots mean lots.lost my my my health.nearly loss my mind.than reliation come through my mind .what i was doing .destroving my own self.he is not worth living on the earth.if you in that sitution please walk bk go on safe place .if you got children take them with you childern got better understanding then you.if you safe and health it your life you can live the way you want.

[@prometheuspredator7971]

Yes, She most definitely is.

[@GrandmaMaeCorporation]

.

[@jHammer358]

I grew up feeling unsafe... it wasn't safe to express my emotions, feelings, or anything that didn't serve my parents... NOW I KNOW why I am trauma bonded to the narcissistic POS I used to call my friend. Dr. Ramani, your videos are helping me heal not only from narcissistic abuse, but from mental and emotional abuse from my childhood. When we know better, we do better. Breaking the cycle!!

[@leahmariewrites]

My chin hit the floor when I listened to this. It’s just spot on!

[@oscarwilliamson1264]

Leah Hudson Writes,You are absolutely gorgeous 🌹🌹🥀,hope you are not with a narc 😈!!

[@gingergirl8797]

You hit on every important, painful part of the first 41 years of my life. At 41 I started figuring out who I was and realized how strong , tough and smart I really am.

[@surfshack2]

Thanks Dr. Ramani you are the mother of narcissistic understanding. 💚

[@SewDiva5691]

I decided to go no contact with a narcissist. When I told her a speeding car cut me off when I was driving on the freeway going down a steep mountain I almost lost control of my car. Instead of her saying “I’m glad you are okay. I know you must have felt terrified.” She end up saying “You know I have not eaten anything?” She was better of being silent. Her lack of empathy made me feel nauseous. I gave her too many chances. I’m done! Bye!

[@wendywalton4096]

Omg, I’m glad you’re okay. They can be so cruel.

[@philu4621]

Its humiliating to be a 30 year old man with all these painful unsafe feelings inside...Id be okay if someone just held me and showed me affection for a whole day and we didn't even talk about anything else...thats all I want...all I ever wanted...

[@jamalsalim4349]

Sending you a big hug mate ❤️🙏

[@philu4621]

@@jamalsalim4349 thank you bro

[@sarafox5792]

have you considered Inner Bonding? feeling safe by yourself then others become the icing on the cake..

[@philu4621]

@@sarafox5792 i try to do that...i guess at the end of the day, it comes down to....its hard to give to yourself what you needed from someone else to begin with.

[@sarafox5792]

@@philu4621 keep going and i definitely recommend Inner Bonding, take a look at it on KZbin with Dr Margaret Paul

[@motivoltage343]

"Core pathological insecurity" - spot on.....more pure gold wisdom from Dr. Ramani

[@andreamagyar7776]

Even though it sounds or looks like heartless we are not responsible for no one's insecurity and I absolutely refuse to play into it.

[@westernalliance796]

Never set yourself on fire to keep someone else warm.

[@ka8990]

It's not heartless . This people will cause you pain anyway wether you left or stayed . So stay away and keep your sanity.

[@andreamagyar7776]

@@ka8990 in general speaking I mean. Because I can be still compassionate without burdening myself. To know how far to go with people without getting lost in their reality.

[@Hundredacredaycare]

Western Alliance what a great comment !

[@MakaylaCole123]

I am slowly learning this

[@NicoleElissaLoveCoach]

I love this. Growing up in a narcissistic environment, one of the most important things I had to learn was to not fear their anger and to not assume that it was because of something I did. IK had to understand I was the scapegoat. More than anything, what impacted me the most was the emotional immaturity. Always blaming but never willing to look at themselves. I grew up attracting a lot of blaming as a result until I did my emotional release work to stop attracting that level of emotional reactiveness and immaturity around me. It was tough but here I am! Self-love is the most important thing. They don't want you to love yourself and I can't have that. The answer is ALWAYS more love.

[@sharonmckay9293]

Finally, I live in a safe home, work in a safe office - that means a lot to me after years of not feeling safe in those environments. What a difference it makes to my daily living! I can now be myself. I can relax. It is a great feeling!

[@TT-ug4rc]

Ones again I became aware of even more things that I’ve been through but didn’t attribute to narcissism. Thank you Dr. Ramani.

[@oscarwilliamson1264]

Mrs M,Your lovely smile 😊 can make the news!!

[@johnmiller0000]

I hadn't even heard of safety and vulnerability until I was in my late 40s. It's taken decades to peek out of my bubble.

[@user-ir5ul1ph1c]

Don't feel bad I'm right there with you.

[@bhupindergadh]

Same here. Am in late 40’s, been married for 20 years to a Narcissistic abuser wife. Only now beginning to understand my situation. The abusers can be women as well. I am a living proof of that. Unfortunately all the literature purports men as abusers so becomes hard to correlate with your situation. Back in 2015/2016 when I was finally forced to educate myself about my situation l started spending some time (actually lots of time) in the Barnes and Noble stores in the Psychology / Mental Health section and found the book, “I hate you, don’t leave me.” And, so did my journey of enlightenment started. But that book is about BPD and I read and browsed scores of books on that topic. Perhaps all the 10 top books on the topic including “Stop walking on eggshells.” Only last year (2019) around spring time, I seriously started looking into NPD. (Book “Becoming Narcissists nightmare.”). The reason denial played a big role in my case. You would think by looking at the surface that this can’t apply to you or your situation. Why in hell I or someone close to me have this disorder / decease ? Around same time I discovered Dr Ramani but I have seriously watched her videos multiple times during the last month or so. I came across dark triad last year as well (2019). Began to understand what. PD (Personality Disorder) really is last year as well.In fact I tried to memorize DSM IV definition of PD and repeated in my mind multiple times while driving etc. (From Book “Abusive Personality” Dr Dutton) Also, last year I started looking into attachment theory. It takes a long time to begin to understand what we are dealing with. In any case, we are fortunate to have Dr Ramani, You Tube and all the other latest tech / social media. Without these we may as well gone through entire life and be dead without realizing what we went through. I also feel for Dr Ramani (Empathy kicking in again :) ). She must have lived and suffered through these abuses first hand to have developed such a deep understanding. Can’t come without first hand experience.

[@ericking4072]

@@bhupindergadh THANK YOU FOR YOUR INFO.YOU JUST STEERED ME TO SOME GREAT RESOURCES,I WAS NOT AWARE OF.I SPENT 15 YEARS SWIMMING THROUGH BARBWIRE FOR HER.I COMPLETELY SUPPORTED ENCOURAGED,PAMPERED,UPLIFTED&UNCONDITIONALLY LOVED HER.I ALWAYS ATTRIBUTED HER COV.MALIGNARC ACTIONS TO HER"HORRIBLE"CHILDHOOD.I WAS DIAGNOSED DEEP EMPATH BY A PEPPERDINE U.COUNSELOR IN 2000,AND HAVE ALWAYS BEEN INJURED BY THE PAIN&SUFFERING OF OTHERS.SHE COMPLETELY TOOK THE UTMOST ADVANTAGE OF THIS FACT.I'M 3&A HALF MONTHS NO CONTACT&MY LIFELIGHT IS BEGINNING TO SHINE AGAIN.SHE TOLD ME MANY TIMES TO PUT A BULLET IN MY HEAD.IT VAGUELY CROSSED MY MIND IN AN INSTANCE OR 2.I'VE BURIED BOTH MY PARENTS,GRANDPARENTS,5 OLDER BROTHERS,&SURVIVED 2 TOURS TO THE MIDEAST DESERT....THE TRAUMABOND FELT MORE DIFFICULT THAN ALL OF THAT PUT TOGETHER.I HOPE THE BEST HEALING FOR YOU.I'M GETTING STRONGER DAILY,HAVE GREAT,LUCRATIVE EMPLOYMENT&MY HUGE DRUMSET...LIFE WILL BE GREAT AGAIN.I LOVED HER SO MUCH😪TAKE CARE.

[@karilynschaffer3822]

@@ericking4072 You got this! You are on the recovery side.

[@msnawrecka9786]

Enlighten Scientific me either. I’m not sure it occurred to me that I had a right to those things.

[@lizanne12954]

The maze where every route is a dead end is spot on! I just separated from my abusive narcissistic husband and that’s how I felt constantly! It got to the point where his voice was in my head every minute of the day even when it came to the tiniest decision I had to make. If I was unpacking the groceries, I would hesitate with every item because I could hear his voice barking- “who put this here?!?!” Or “that’s right! HIDE the food so I can’t even get a snack!” If heaven forbid he couldn’t find what he wanted instantly. For years I researched constantly and went to multiple therapists and doctors to find out what was wrong with ME. I thought I was nuts because I was so emotional and any time I tried to defend myself or discuss his bad behaviors he accused me of starting a fight or craving conflict. Me and the kids were prisoners in our own home. He removed all the lights and lights bulbs from our bedrooms and would turn off our hot water when we showered because he accused us of bleeding money. He always treated us like we were the biggest thorn in his side and we should hate ourselves for the misery that we called him. However, when I filed for separation and left he’s done nothing but beg to get back ever since. I love your videos because so many of the things you talk about are my exact experiences and for so many years I always thought I was the one in the wrong. Sometimes you will say some thing and it’s like you had a video camera in my house because it was so close to an exact circumstance I had already been through with him. Thank you very much for all the content it is very helpful for people like me!!!

[@oscarwilliamson1264]

lindsay drakulic,Your lovely smile 😊 can make the news!!

[@iamnursejennie5123]

When I told him my home should be a sanctuary after a very scary incident, that is when the true monster came out.

[@jolesliewhitten6545]

Plan quietly and run.

[@therealspixycat]

A narc has also a lack of physical safety of others.

[@june-mariehamilton5455]

Spixy cat yes, that is very true, seen it in the driving, the downhill skiing and walking on the beach in a storm with very small children

[@amberlynnadams3744]

Yes...

[@kangarookids7497]

So right, they are wreckless with others safety.

[@subfry9996]

I always told my ex that I never trusted him with my emotions or anything that would allow me to be vulnerable. I always categorized it as trust and not safety.

[@Hundredacredaycare]

Sub FrY me too. They will use it somehow against us

[@quasimobius]

I've always said that if you can't trust man with your heart, how can you trust him with your health,/physical safety ? Breaking your heart makes you physically ill. Remember, if he truly cared, he wouldn't do to you what he resents other people doing to him. Narcissist are NOT oblivious to the damage they cause their victims.

[@Hundredacredaycare]

quasimobius wow very well said!

[@subfry9996]

You are absolutely correct! I had to break up with him because I started to doubt myself and became insecure.

[@june-mariehamilton5455]

Trust can never be a “right” it is earned first and then freely given. But if it is abused, it needs to be withdrawn, especially from a narcissist.

[@d1z192]

I'm on the verge of tears when you share the story about your wonderful friend-- made me feel grateful of mine. To genuinely kindhearted people, it may be a mere simple favor, or no favor at all, even. But to us it's beyond that. So so grateful of how contrast the wonderful people I am around with now, and exes & family members I used to be with. Therapy sure does help us filter people out that make us feel unsafe.

[@LizbetPCB]

This came pretty close to bringing me to tears. I never feel safe. It’s become my way of life. Thank you, Doctor!

[@ancamarr681]

Feeling safe means feeling like yourself, good or bad, strong or weak, being authentic. I was suffocating in my relationship and went to therapy. She asked: “Why are you here?” I said: “I am stuck, I am paralyzed, I cannot be myself, I live in a lie, I do not feel safe emotionally...”. I am sure a lot of survivors relate to that. Thank you Dr. Ramani for your wisdom. I suggest that some of your listen to HG Tudor. He is a Narcissist who is helping victims. He talks about the same things as Dr. Ramani. He is currently working with psychologists and part of his treatment is to help victims of narcissism. His approach is very no nonsense. It sure opened my mind. No looking back for me. Moving on. Reclaiming myself.

[@raindrops7531]

Omg same! I went with I believe my narcissistic ex and she asked me "why are you here? He doesn't care" said that right in front of him! We had our second baby and he didn't want to commit seeing me a certain night each week or particularly see me at all. Merely days after having my daughter, he wanted me too "fight for his affections" with his 17 year old fling! I am so pleased he is not in my space like that anymore. Yes I have to deal with him on some level but I am with someone elce who is absolutely supportive and I don't let him play his games anymore.

[@ancamarr681]

Oh, @PH D, this is awful! I am really sorry! Never doubt yourself again. Stay safe! God bless!

[@littlemonster2483]

Feeling safe is an amazing feeling! I have one friend in my life & from the moment I met her, I've always felt safe with her. She's the first person I felt a million percent safe with in my entire life so far which for someone who didn't come from a safe place was a strange but definitely a good feeling! If you ever find people who you feel completely safe with, *never* let them go!!!

[@Imsoflyfishing]

Holy WOW! “Being unsafe means you can’t be you...”. Thanks for these videos. Dr R, you put words to a world I couldn’t make sense of for over four decades. I went “No Contact” before knowing that was a “thing” and felt so much guilt for abandoning my family. With each video I watch in your series, you make sense of my life and validate how that excruciating decision was the best decision for my sanity. Thanks bunches for sharing your gift of wisdom and healing.

[@Anamericanhomestead]

Yes, I was raised in a safe stable home. Was in a 15 year safe stable marriage before cancer took her away. Then in came in the grandiose malignant narc. She matches almost perfectly your high range narc video. The best way I can describe it: have you ever seen a dog that has been so beaten by its master that even looking in its direction makes it cower and put its tail between its legs? That was me. I've gone no contact and now just trying to weather the storm of the smear campaign being leveled against me in the community. But the trade off of having her gone is worth giving up whatever reputation I had with people. My home is peaceful again. We have our safe space back.

[@DOLPHIN_DIVINITY]

Realizing this happened just the other night on a date... The Narc was terrified when I didn't give him a reassuring comment. He looked scared... like he had seen a ghost... this all makes sense now... he was dying for the reassurance and because I didn't give it, he became extremely uncomfortable. It was really interesting to watch. Wow. Thank you for creating more awareness around dealing with the types of people and setting me up for success and healthy relationships.

[@FreyaFleurNoire]

This couldn't be more timely. 😭

[@chemgal3178]

Thanks Dr. Ramani. Due to your videos and educating myself, I have discovered my past 46 years has been involved with narcissism. My parents, bosses and ex-husband / romantic relationships. The gas-lighting has been too real with shame, lack of validation, never feeling good enough, lack of confidence due to all my decisions being "stupid." I have been diagnosed with a personality disorder - including people pleasing and codependency which my counselor told me go hand in hand with narcissism. I have never known anything different which is scary. Thanks again.

[@gsue33]

My wonderful loving parents set me up to not even notice how absolutely horrific some people are in this world.

[@aziebtefferi6376]

I noticed this in myself. Since I got involved with a narcissist I feel a sense of fear and anxiety and I am specious which I was very trusting before . A relationship with a Narcissist is never safe. They lie and they cheat so your health is always at risk. They are jealous and vindictive covertly so they can do damage to your life without you knowing. I am the type of a person if someone hurt my feeling I tell the person and if they apologize I accepted their apologize and continue to treat the person with love and respect and be and act the same way I was before, but if you hurt a narcissist’s feeling and apologize for it they will make you feel they accepted your apologize but behind the scene they will make you pay for it. This is why these ppl are so dangerous to be with. Where there is NO TRUST there is NO SAFETY! GOD HELP US ALL! Thank you Dr. Ramani. You are God’s gift to all of us! 🙏

[@sa-ok2rf]

This is such a good subject

[@LaPinturaBella]

I have a narcissistic father. I've also been very compassionate and empathetic since birth, which is something my dad does not understand at all and riduculed me about. After another failed romantic relationship, I got into therapy (which is when I finally learned about narcissism and that I kept picking guys with a lot of the same traits as dad.) About 3 months in, my therapist wanted to do word association. The first word he threw out was Love. My immediate response was Death. Word association ended right then. Needless to say, that was the mother of all eye-openers and made me realize I had not felt safe at all for the first 42 years of my life. It changed my life. I cannot stress enough how important this one concept, feeling safe in all of your relationships, is for your own mental well being.

[@objectsinlookingglass7898]

My mom absolutely butchered my amygdala. My mom has always thrown out "oh you loved your mom so much you were always hanging off of my arm and you were so shy" and I wondered why I was so ON her when she was awful. But it was the breadcrumbs and the fear of everything. At least I knew how awful my mom was. Everything you said was so relatable. All my pain as a child was looked upon with contempt or inebriation or an emotionless face or I was told to stop. As a child I blamed myself. I took every single problem of everyone upon me bc I was craving consistency, accountability, and authenticity so badly that I felt like someone needed to hate themselves for how horrible things were. I'm living in a safe and happy relationship now and it's like a different existence. My perspective is a totally new world now. What a nice friend and relationship. :) I'm glad I had a grandma who gave me a safe place bc I think it gave me strength to survive.

[@km_6181]

Wow every topic is so relevant 😭😭

[@juliaz.6959]

OMG, that's my childhood in a nutshell! It is so incredibly comforting to know that this is a pattern of people with this specific personality structure and not something I did wrong - which I kind of thought it was till very recently. Time to let go of self-blaming and start to heal, I guess:)) Thank you so much!

[@singinwithceline]

Every time I watch you, you say something that reminds me of my mother.

[@Chahlie]

Hah! Just imagine mom watching this, mine would be ballistic. I did NOT, you're making that up, why would I do that? (why did you mom?) who cares about love anyways... blah blah

[@SuperMatical]

When she brought up the friend that just takes you to the doctors... that is so far from literally anything I've experienced for so long it just seems unreal to me.