Unmet Needs vs. Unrealistic Expectations: Where to Draw the Line in a Relationship

[@naomi6056]

Timestamps would make it so much easier to digest and fully learn all this amazing content

[@tracymossing3200]

I haven’t struggled with unmet expectations as far as perfection… i know that no one is perfect, not even myself. So I’ve never been turned off by things like morning breath, bad moods or unmet expectations on a superficial level. I do however have expectations and hope for someone that is loyal, consistent, communicates well etc. I think my expectations are valid and realistic, still seem impossible to find these days.

[@jillianonlove]

I completely agree - those are very valid and realistic expectations.

[@thedanieltan]

Loyalty, consistency, and communicates well should all be basic things people should be able to expect of a partner. I struggled to find my expectations I had for a partner myself. I asked for honest communication and not to feel disregarded. I often found myself not receiving either.

[@william6223]

​@@thedanieltanwhen a person is not honest or loving towards one's self, then they do not have honesty or love to share with another. Thank you for your reply to the comment about loyalty, honesty, communication.

[@Jamhael1]

​@@thedanieltan if you want honesty, be prepared to be harmed. Truth not always is nice...

[@Jamhael1]

Problem: All of those cannot be met under any expectation. Loyalty to the point of not thinking of a beautiful person the other saw once? Consistency to the point of immobility? Honesty to the point of facing harsh truth? See the issue?

[@vbell2536]

"Fulfillment is an inside job". Love it.

[@Mia1827]

Fantastic video A month ago, my five-year marriage came to an end. I'm devastated that my real love chose to distance themselves from me. I've tried everything to win him back, but it's all in vain, and I can't imagine my life with anyone else. I try my hardest not to think about him, but I can't help but miss him and think about him often. I truly couldn't explain why I'm saying this. 🥺😞

[@cynthiabanks-x7q]

Saying goodbye to someone you love is difficult; I know this from my 12-year relationship ending. But I was unable to simply let him go, so I made every effort to get him back. I eventually sought aid from a spiritual counselor, who was able to help me regain his affection.

[@Mia1827]

It's interesting! How can I contact a spiritual counselor most efficiently, and how did you find one?

[@cynthiabanks-x7q]

Father Obah Eze is a wonderful spiritual counselor who has the ability to bring back your ex.

[@cynthiabanks-x7q]

He can assist you; he is Father Obah Eze, and he possesses immense powers.

[@Mia1827]

I just sought him up online thanks to your helpful information. remarkable I just checked Father Obah Eze online, and he's really genuine. Thank you again ❤

[@ivi2197]

I love listening to Jillian, her voice is so calming and reassuring. It makes me reflect positively about my struggles , and hopeful that everything will work out . Experience Pain can be transformative that’s for sure .

[@sasb3675]

This is incredible and makes me see all the places I went wrong and sabotaged my last experience. Really eye opening thank you.

[@markmark3938]

Jillian needs and deserves so many more than 9k+ subscribers... she is at the top of her game and the top of her field with a select few others in relationship coaching and counselling, and healing oneself... 💯💯💯

[@jillianonlove]

🥰

[@kingagrad3436]

That is true but it will happen anyway. Just wait ;)

[@enrichedsouldonnagill9542]

I agree ❤

[@Natalia-nx2bq]

Oh dear! Reality will kick in anyway at some point. If the falling in love is mutual please embrace it and enjoy it. It is a wonderful phase and keeps you going during the tough tines. Everything is real as much as it is unreal ❤

[@alejandrat1933]

You're the best relationship therapist out there. You irradiate empathy!

[@katm599]

This was one of the best relationship videos I’ve ever seen! Thank you so much as I resonated highly and that question you answered…wow!! You have no idea how much I needed that!!

[@rahul15592]

Last part where you ans the question was amazing. Seems like someone has asked the question which I wanted to ask. Thanks for clearing that out.

[@mohammadzahid4629]

Hi Jillian, First, I love your podcasts. I wholeheartedly agree with you on not being friends after being involved at all relationship stages.

[@sophieshapeless3901]

Found this at the perfect time and it was super insightful as well as validating. I deeply appreciate you sharing this, thank you. Wishing everyone well on their journey of self love and peace.

[@jillianonlove]

So glad it resonated with you! ❤️

[@terrik.5325]

This lecture was outstanding!❤ the way you explained it really captures the feeling of what’s going on internally. I particularly loved the part where you said it transcends attachment styles.

[@jillianonlove]

I'm so glad that resonated with you! I agree, it's a deeper understanding of the dynamics at play.

[@laszlokovi4719]

Honestly, you are born to create such enlightening videos. Amazing clarity and trustworthiness. It was good to watch and listen to it, thank you!

[@jillianonlove]

You are so welcome

[@gregorystinette8271]

I was guilty of all of these emotions until I met my dog & now I am healed. All of my old girlfriends had bad bathroom habbits that discouraged me from polishing the pedestal.

[@kg9105]

This is one of the best videos I've seen so far on relationships

[@pearliies]

as someone with bpd this hits hard. i feel like all of this is more extreme. my self hatred and shame is really bad and it causes me to idealize hard, and seek another parent to take care of me

[@janaaxoo]

Thank you, Jilian! This has been eye opening to me, i gained so many new perspectives and ideas on how to approach certain things by listening to your calm voice!! Can’t wait to read the book you’re about to release. Lots of love from Germany

[@avahcosenza8751]

jillian, you need your own app of daily affirmations like this!!

[@maureennkirote8065]

Hi Jillian, on your video with Sabrina at time 52min your were talking about older gentleman who often seem to be the perfect eligible gentleman but often are emotionally unavailable. Please talk more about this how to spot such men , how not audition for their love in hopes to be chosen when it seems to be that he is the needle in the haystack . Love your perspective. Thanks.❤

[@claudiuhvuu]

The way I’m rewatching this back to back bc it was so good and impactful

[@shirleylimongi1093]

Thank you so much for this. I have friend who was married for about 20 years. He cheated and divorced to be with the other woman. Was with the other woman for 6yrs. That person broke up with him a day before being introduced to someone who now he’s attached and has traveled hours to see her. He’s already imaging a future with her. I asked him how does he know, and he said because he has feelings. I told him he can’t rely on just feelings. I suggested that he should probably do some healing work first but he insists that why can’t he just ‘see where this goes’. Not sure what else to advise him. 🤷🏻‍♀️

[@kingagrad3436]

Your speech feels so calm I can fall asleep listening to you

[@BClevs]

First video of yours I've seen. Absolutely nailed it. Great messages

[@jillianonlove]

So glad this resonated with you!

[@Sistanne]

Awesome, thank you so much. Especially developing the intention to Give when entering into a relationship sums up all the necessary work you better have done on yourself beforehand, so you find and got to known yourself That much that you want to really share and support, to sustain your own happiness and make it even bigger.

[@jillianonlove]

You're so welcome!

[@MichaelaMoravcikova-pv9py]

Hello Jullian. This was such as wonderful episode that ao much helped me to see and reaolve my situation ship. I'm thankful for the question asked and your response. Love❤

[@ShopgirlNY182]

It’s like you were speaking to my soul, just what I needed to hear. I’m trying to remain friends with my ex and hoping I’m not just setting myself up for more discard or heartache.

[@matthewrenko7586]

Extremely helpful, thank you for putting into words things that I have had a very hard time articulating

[@jillianonlove]

I'm so glad this was helpful to you!

[@gelitmartinez]

I definitely had unrealistic expectations for the timeline of my ex changing. I realized the kinds of core wounds that needed to be healed in him took me lots of time and work to heal, and if I stuck around it would mean I would continue to get hurt until he did heal. The worst part was, me trying to stay with them through their healing, caused me to fall back into old and damaging patterns. I disregarded my own needs (to feel safe, secure, understood, trusted, and desired - and for, community and adventure), to focus on their needs. I slipped back into the pattern I learned as a kid, and ended up slipping back into the same mental health issues as well. I still wish I didn't have to leave, but I didn't see any way to preserve the relationship without causing myself harm.

[@russellheyns1846]

You missed the point. You shouldn’t be trying to change the other person.

[@soniaexplores_]

Wow, this came exactly when i needed it! Never seen your videos before! Subscribing!

[@yelenarivera2422]

Wow!!! 34:21 this is on point.

[@russellheyns1846]

This is the most brilliant video I have seen yet. Great objectivity. And yet still, some of the commenters seem to only hear what they want to hear. Victimhood. Even with such a clear and objective message from you.

[@christine4269]

This is invaluable, and thank you for sharing this. :)

[@jillianonlove]

You're so welcome - I'm glad it resonated with you!

[@laurie-london]

Love your work Jillian and the title of this episode, always down to earth advice I'm a 32 y.o. man came out of a relationship recently

[@AndroMcxint]

Thank you always Jillian!

[@jillianonlove]

Thank you for being here and supporting my channel 🥰

[@wadeverweire7810]

🌈☀️🎶 Awesome , Wow you're busy really posting alot !! Thanks for all your effort helping to enlighten and enhance lives ❤ So many people can get on a better path because of You !! You've got a Sharp mind and a beautiful Heart ❤ Jillian ! Make it a good day Kit Kat !! 🌈☀️🎶

[@jillianonlove]

I really appreciate your kind words!

[@frofroify]

At this point ive acepted that my needs are unrealistic and stopped dating nobody who is good enough wants me and thats okay.

[@danak.3733]

Thank you❤

[@jillianonlove]

You're welcome 😊

[@lisaariottiart]

Its them and you- these types of passionate , familiar connections are usually Trauma Bonds from the get- go.

[@SalimaNouini]

Thank you for helping me understand more about relationships, waw you so amazing. 😊 Greetings from the Netherlands

[@jillianonlove]

You're so welcome!

[@thewholeyou]

I just love Jillian

[@jillianonlove]

🥰

[@julieponce3345]

Wonderful work you do. Thank you

[@jillianonlove]

Thank you for watching!

[@kennedyahhaha9588]

Damn this video just made me sm more appreciative of my relationship and made me realize I’m honestly just an anxious wreck. Therapy we go!!!!!!!!

[@ItSureIsADay]

In the conversatiom about needs, could you please speak on the border between emotional cheating and actual friendships? I've found myself in a situation where my partner expected me to make her happy but also was scared of losing me due to both of our emotional volatilities and sought a friendship that grew into emotional cheating. She revealed this 3 months ago and is taking steps of closing this affair for good and it has opened a lot of conversation for us, but i'd like advice on where friendship risks falling into emotional infidelity and advice about actually speaking on these needs instead of just. Finding an emotional affair partner and staying in the main relationship despite core needs being unmet. Perhaps even advice about confronting the partner if you fear it happening/happening again.

[@jesslynncoachinghealing]

Friendship and emotional cheating can sometimes blur, but there are key differences. A healthy friendship respects the boundaries of the relationship and is characterized by openness, inclusivity, and a lack of secrecy. Emotional cheating, on the other hand, occurs when emotional intimacy that should be reserved for the primary relationship is shared with someone else. Warning signs include hiding the friendship, prioritizing the other person over your partner, and relying on them for emotional support that should come from your partner. To prevent this, it’s important to clearly define what you both consider appropriate in friendships. Keep close friendships transparent, avoid secrecy, and ensure they don’t fulfill emotional needs meant for your partner. Emotional infidelity often stems from unmet needs within the relationship. Use this as an opportunity to explore those needs. Have honest conversations about what’s lacking-whether it’s emotional connection, support, or affection-and work together to address those gaps. Scheduling regular check-ins can help both of you stay aligned, and couples therapy can provide tools for better communication and rebuilding trust. If you fear this may happen again, focus on rebuilding trust and creating safeguards. Both partners should commit to being transparent about their friendships and interactions with others. Your partner’s actions in cutting ties with the emotional affair show accountability, but consistent effort over time is needed. Mutual trust-building activities, such as spending intentional quality time together, can help reinforce your bond. When discussing fears or boundaries, approach the conversation constructively. Focus on framing the issue as something you’re working on together (e.g., “How can we make sure our relationship stays strong and boundaries remain clear?”). Be specific about behaviors that concern you and encourage honesty about any future challenges. Let your partner know it’s safe to talk about struggles rather than seeking emotional support elsewhere. Healing from emotional infidelity takes time, and both of you will need patience and effort to rebuild your connection. By understanding the boundaries between friendship and emotional cheating, addressing unmet needs, and maintaining open communication, you can strengthen your relationship and prevent this from happening again. Celebrate the small steps forward and focus on creating a partnership rooted in trust and respect.

[@ItSureIsADay]

@jesslynncoachinghealing thank you for your response, i really value how insightful it is. I wanted to oppose the hiding with how am i supposed to know the relationship if it's hidden but it's always been around, the person my partner had an emotional affair with was just never named and i never got introduced to my partner's friends, so i really should have known. We are definitely taking this as an opportunity for having conversations about having our needs met and it's going very slowly, but at least it still feels like it's going. I'm feel bad about pushing for more transparency because i'm uncomfortable about privacy breaches from my past, but this was a major boundary breach for me instead, so i figure that it's fair to reinstate requests for transparency about who my partner spends time with. I only hope that they are being honedt about their own needs too, and that we'll both be able to listen better to each other and my partner won't stray again. I don't think my sanity can take another step like that and i may put that down as a non negotiable.

[@robsnodgrass915]

Just get a divorce, already. The world is full of new things to lie to.

[@Jamhael1]

Do not expect for one person alone to fulfill you in all areas.

[@ItSureIsADay]

@Jamhael1 well yeah but having friends to fulfil the missing emotional needs doesn't really constitute an affair i'd argue. I don't expect all of my needs to be met and i'm not delusial enough to meet all of my partner' needs either, but i expect them to at least bring up the issues that they have with me specifically instead of bringing them up to anyone but me.

[@Firechiefcc]

What if you feel like you've changed more for the worse than for the better? Or even just staying the same as before the relationship? And the resentment is coming because you don't like yourself as much anymore and miss your old self.... but you're still afraid of losing the person from your life because at the end of the day, you still love them very much.

[@robmaria7164]

I’m widow and not young anymore. I have a great friend who wants to remain friends. A small town full of gossip he’s hesitant in bringing me into his life. Yeah he lives in my house. I’m not alone in a totally different location. Different race, doesn’t bother me as l’m not prejudice and didn’t grow up in that atmosphere. It’s tough, trying to figure it all out.

[@melliwika4166]

Please comments if im "wrong" but these therapists usually sound like "don't have needs" and it's a bit sad. I don't want to live solo

[@juice6953]

9:35 to 10:18 😭😭😭😭😭😭😭😭 woahhhhhhh

[@Nikolai0007]

Legend

[@zaikoshi]

When is your book going to come out

[@jillianonlove]

New book comes out January 14th!

[@jane77722]

Ester Perel said that a "soulmate" used to be the Divine." Now we expect that of a human being, along with many other attributes like closest confidant, workout buddy, financial advisor, etc. The list can be very long. Sounds exhausting. Too much to ask of one person. Better to get some of our needs met in other relationships, including with God, I think.

[@assianeu197]

What's your sun sign and rising ? You remind me of an aquarius cancer rising friend

[@robsnodgrass915]

Aren't you supposed to push every dream you or your parents have ever had on your relationships or marriage untill you have buried someone else in your debt? You can't know your getting everything out of your marriage untill your divorced.

[@happyiglu]

I wish all my ex girlfriends would have seen this video especially the part with the idealization

[@KeishaKiger]

This was awfully insightful

[@thetruther954]

Your woman’s dream of feeling whole and complete? Why would I want to take that from you? I don’t know a single man, if you get down and ask him, that would take your heart in such way. The man would break down and start crying.