Vanessa Van Edwards on The Science of People with Lewis Howes

[@Fastlifetv]

I love, love, loved this episode. I love how she talked about being a "recovering awkward" person. It made be laugh out loud and feel a sense of relief at the same time. It's good to know that the awkwardness will pass with practice and work. Thank you Lewis, you've really made a difference in my life and in turn my families' life.

[@YET64]

Fastlife me too

[@YET64]

Captivating face like it

[@n3bie]

for real tho, I think this is my favorite interview of all time. pretty much ever

[@popipagkalou4755]

Is there the possibility to exist friendship between a man and a woman without sex?!

[@popipagkalou4755]

Which is the line between flerting and aiming sex interraction?

[@seyfun1452]

Summary: 1) Popularity isn't created by attractiveness, but by how many people you like- popular people had the longest lists of how many people they like in which activated a science principle "we like people who like us". 2) Ambivalence is the killer of connection and your health, career and happiness suffer. Ambivalent people are more toxic than toxic people. 3) Don't try to pretend you're an extrovert, don't fake it until you make it - it creates hesitancy in your voice, inconsistent behavior and a terrible impression in which the other person thinks you're fake. 4) Every interaction is an experiment. When you take this approach, you'll be calmer and braver. 5) The best approach - signal "friend, not foe" with showing your hands with purposeful hand gestures, creating eye contact, and sparks questions. The best opener - you want to signal this interaction is going to be different. You set up someone's response based on the trigger you ask. Don't say "what do you do?", it signals autopilot, I don't want to invest too much in this, and I judge you on your career. Produce dopamine, the pleasure hormone, with priming - the words you use create emotions in other people. So use positive words, "I can't wait to see you on Friday", "we're going to have so much fun". Then you signal their brain to look for hits, not misses. Don't cue the person to feel depressed, anxious, sad. Conversation sparkers: "What are your personal passions?", "Do you plan a vacation?", "Wasn't this presentation great?". You don't want to talk about surface things and boring questions, but don't go to personal topics either when you barely know each other. 6) When we feel fear and anxiety, we produce a fear chemical in the people around us, and they catch and mirror it. Your emotions are contagious. Infect excitement, not anxiety. 7) Make a note of every interaction you had through the day. Average interactions create average results. 8) If you haven't seen a friend in 8 years, how would you greet them? Treat people like old friends- be verbally, physically excited. 9) Think: what emotion do I wanna infect today? Is it excitement, gratitude, calm, confidence, assertiveness? It doesn't mean you can't have a bad day or you can't feel down. Just be honest about it, apologize to the people around, and don't think about it too much. Don't hide in your house, get out, and let others infect you too. 10) Serotonin is a chemical that make us calm. High neurotics, they don't produce as much as serotonin and not as fast. And sentences like "it's all going to be fine", "there's nothing to worry about", "calm down" just stress them more. You can take care of the issue itself on your own with practical, doable solutions immediately to really take off the rock from their chest. 11) There are 6 resources to humans- status, money, love, information, goods, services. We need all of them but we have a primary one, usually it's the one we didn't get in childhood. You have to be able to ask for the main resource and recognize it from others through their complaints. 12) You can optimize parts of your personality but 35%-55% is genetic while the rest is shaped in early childhood. So don't try to change people or make them better. Just turn fights into discussions: talk about how you're wired, so you don't try to change the other person, but simply ask for your resource. For example, high openness people can say to their romantic partner "are you up to try this new restaurant or should I call my friend?". 13) The big five traits theory- openess, conscientiousness, extraversion, neuroticism, agreeableness. It's the only personality assessment which is scientifically based. Everyone has them, it's a spectrum of high, low, or moderate. Figure out what are your trigger points and have another person take care of it so you stay calm. 14) Conscientiousness difference creates the most relationship problems. 15) Happiness: the small and daily things make you happy- not big, euphoric experiences that happen once in a while. Also, it comes from optimization of your natural personality. This feeling of control, capability and optimization creates happiness. 16) We're biased to think negatively and expect the worse. We can retrain the brain and flip it to a not necessarily positive state but neutral state. 17) A lot of pain, suffering and stress in dating comes from not asking important questions- and going after lust. Ask questions about their values, routines, preferences, religion, future goals, early on so it won't get discovered on the first fight! Avoid giving in to chemical reactions that have no real basis. 18) It's not what you say but how you say it: your tone, cadence and pitch consist of your vocal power. Keep your voice in the lowest range possible. 19) Answer the phone in the right way: speak from the outbreath, and be expressive as they are, to show you're on the same emotional page. 20) Amateur lie detectors do worse than people who don't know anything about lying. Look for leaks in incongruencies, read microexpressions and listen to your first intuition. 21) Couples that show contempt will get divorced in the next 30 years. One sided lip raise shows contempt. 22) Liars look you in the eyes more to see if you believe them. Shifty eyes show nervousness, not necessarily lying. 23) Phone has the most amount of lies. To decrease it, say it "I'm going to be taking notes and send you the full summary afterwards. Please review them and check if we got everything right". 24) In negotiation, make sure you have the downward inflection in your voice and have authorative tone. 25) Prior a meeting, practice saying the hardest things to another human, not mirror. 26) 3 different kinds of proofs: social, testimonals, media.

[@seyfun1452]

Lewis Howes Thank you for being an amazing host and interviewing gorgeous Vanessa! The school of greatness is such a great way to learn what truly matters in life :) Wish you two all the best, thank you for inspiring me!

[@Perceptionsz]

oh my God. thanks

[@WE23anime]

@@seyfun1452 ....i take it that you are a super high conscientious type....thanks for the breakdown

[@seyfun1452]

@@WE23anime absolutely right!!

[@bbexy]

@@seyfun1452 thank you!

[@lauraashley1]

I watched this interview twice it was so good! This girl is incredibly smart, resilient, and confident. I actually enjoyed observing her so much! She is such a positive role model for other girls and people in general. Such good points she makes. Was so glad to have found this. Absolutely loved the way you both interacted together as well. Also love how confident Lewis is. I never realised how hot he was before I watched the way he acts in this video.

[@emilyworkman]

I love this girl. She's so honest in her interactions.

[@georgekurgansky5986]

Me too lol.

[@rajeshj8383]

Is she ? I mean I like her too but I feel like she knows exactly what she must say and exactly what she shouldn't. She has mastered the art of getting into a frame of mind before entering a conversation, so the right things come out. I really like the analysis of this right frame of mind. I'd like to talk to her when she's being normal.

[@adamt9069]

@@rajeshj8383 so true. I agree. But her content seems non manipulative too so she is probably a pretty good person without using her learned skills.

[@goldenparachute392]

@@rajeshj8383 that makes her all the better. I can’t even count all the times Lewis interrupted and interjected and that could have easily made her lose her train of thought. But it didn’t, she still managed to bring the conversation back to the point of what she was talking about.

[@LizzoBlizzo]

The energetic flow is so organic with these two. I love it, feel like I’m hanging w friends with wonderful conversation. 🧠 ❤️ ⚡️✨

[@lesleybrady3948]

I thought she was friendly flirting at some points 😂😂😂.. but it was respectful whatever it was 😂 Xx

[@goldenparachute392]

I thought Lewis interrupted her sooooo much. She’s so goood! It didn’t even phase her and she would stay on course.

[@changethematrix]

I love how you talked about being friends with everyone in high school. That was me. I dressed in a way that I could meld in with any group. On my 18th birthday I stressed out because I had a few friends in each group and back then, the groups did not like each other. My mom said, "They are your friends, so they will have something in common." For 1989, it was the most bizarre party. Jock guy talking to nerdy girl. Headbanger talking to cheer leader. Goth talking to prep boy. Like I wish I had taken video of my 18th birthday party. I could have made it into a weird movie.

[@andin916]

Same 😂 always a random mix with me

[@cynthiaevelynsolis3461]

Are u a Libra by chance ? Lol 😂

[@sonnyecho9195]

Awesome you were and are a bridge builder how very cool and super powery is that!?!? That is a great story when you can appreciate the beauty in each and not be limited to a particular clique, I just think that’s great.

[@TheKingWasi]

Love how she explained how to be a better partner in a relationship by understanding if they're more or less neurotic and how to reassure them with what they need! Thank you, Lewis!!!

[@multimillionaire2744]

Her smile is stunning

[@adriesagoodman5523]

I saw you at Chalene's marketing impact a couple years ago and found your story so inspiring and memorable. So much has changed for me since then, becoming a mother & wife, LIFE CHANGING. I listen to your podcasts as I drive, run, lift, any time I can and the information and inspiration you spread helps me become a better mom, wife, and overall as a better person! I appreciate the amazing people you bring onto your podcast you attract such positivity and I just want you to know how much I look forward to learning from your podcasts whether it's just five minutes or an hour. THANK YOU!! Keep spreading knowledge, positivity, and kindness!!

[@ElisaPopescu]

The School Of Greatness is really providing the type of education a lot of us wished they`ve had in the traditional educational system. It`s such a pleasure to watch you manifesting this vision that you had with SOG, Lewis. Love your interviews!

[@persiah7779]

I love their chemistry. This is one of the first interviews where I felt they acted like it was just the two of them talking.

[@TheTkeyX]

This was one of the most awesomeeeeee interviews I have ever seen :))))) love you both..you're such a great people:) much love. Thanks a million:)

[@DeePhilling]

Wow! How can you not love her?? Just a lot of energy genuine!

[@sherrykao978]

I so agree with her opinion on ambivalent people ! They really drain your energy.

[@lodz3189]

I love love love this women! Religiously watching your podcasts every morning Lewis, so good!

[@harrymatadeen]

wow! didnt expect this. she has a lively personality, plus good knowledge. :)

[@RezaMolavi]

Harry, if you get a chance to see her in person, you see how fantastic she is in person.

[@harrymatadeen]

Reza Molavi i will endevour to. thank you my friend!

[@yotonyishere]

not even 30 minutes and I'm already a big fan of Vanessa!! her body language & face expressions are the cutest things ever :D ....ps I'm def getting her book (handsdown)

[@TanyaBouzaglo]

I was so nervous to meet you Lewis when we were at the Summit Of Greatness in Ohio. You made me feel so comfortable. You are very present in the moment and that immediately put me at ease with you. You really are a fantastic human being creating amazing connections.

[@TanyaBouzaglo]

I would like too Lewis. You made quite an impression on all of us with your first one.

[@Here_Today_]

every new interview manages to be a favorite. I don't know how you do it, but keep doing it!

[@amandahodgson2080]

this episode was incredible. Vanessa has info that will help so many! buying her book to read on an upcoming long flight. No where near a failure! No way, no how. Thank you L and Vanessa

[@Jo71603]

Hi Amanda!

[@melissababaei404]

I LOVEEEEEE her!!! I can't believe she said she thinks she's awkward, like in what world?! lol...her personality is one of a kind, draws you in and makes you smile!

[@ShelleyM007]

Two of the loveliest people talking together-what a pleasure!

[@bi2u4787]

Getting this book asap. Great interview and she is beautiful!!

[@michaelglynn5856]

Vishal I agree that she is hot as heck and leaked out tons of blazing hotvinformation

[@sabinazakaradze6158]

I am really impressed by everything Vanessa said and want to thank you Lewis for giving me an opportunity to get answers for so many questions that bugged me for so long. You guys are a true inspiration, thank you for what you do.

[@freesatire]

Vanessa deserves so much credit and love from her fans!

[@drkarenbukharibukhari9931]

thanks dr vanessa and the show presenter to praising me

[@irmabronder]

Very interesting. And Vanessa's voice is a pleasure to listen to. Beautiful Vanessa. Much love. xx

[@thereolister]

I feel social media is a great tool to get you where you need to be and have so much to talk about that the person can't turn you away. I'm understanding now you have to put yourself into the conversation otherwise you will be left out. I like the part where she said that if you show up to an event and you feel really nervous that others will feel it and without a doubt you will make leave with getting so much out of it that you have no choice but to do something with it.

[@bobbyn28]

wow its been forever since I've watched but glad to se there's an intro Lewis. I'd say work on/ test it more but I like the idea. Biggest takeaways : 1. vulnerability is sexy 2. own your weirdness 3. your confidence is contagious

[@westdiddy4825]

I read her first book and it's helped so much! This video just makes me like her more and Lewis you are always a great host! Great job to you both!

[@attilatech]

Vanessa Van Edwards and Lewis Howes, you have done a great job with this podcast! You have put some very complicated and scientific information in terms that everyone can understand. I’m teaching Human Relations and communications and I love this idea about excitement or fear transferred from person to person as a chemical and hormonal marker. Wow! If you can influence your own attitude and state of mind, you can influence other people just my being near them without saying a word. Vanessa, you are going to sell lots of books. I love your stories and examples. Lewis, you have done an amazing job with the podcast and the videos. Thanks for the inspiration!!! Attila

[@attilatech]

I would love to review or give feedback, but when I clicked on the link nothing happened. Would you provide a link maybe through your website? Anyhow, your content is amazing! Thank you for inspiring millions of people!

[@lana4442]

This woman is incredible, so authentic and smart! I’ve ordered two of her books just now. So excited to read them!

[@lewishowes]

🧡

[@MajkCajk]

wow. When im going thru my notes on this podcast i have NEVER had so much of notes as i have now :D Amazing podcast, Vanessa is absolutely wonderful women. I have to read that book :D Thanks Lewis! :)

[@Lifelonglearner54321]

One of my favorite conversations. She's amazing and spot on.

[@denakelley4363]

I listened to this podcast on Spotify, and it was so interesting I'm re-watching on YT. I plan on buying both her books. Terrific podcast!

[@lewishowes]

Thank you so much❤️

[@veteranmindset7944]

Wonderful interview. I can't wait to read Vanessa's book and keep moving forward with my passions! Keep it up team!

[@melikhovhannisyan8739]

This is my second interview with Vanessa first I came across at Impact Theory which I loved 🥰 was awesome interview and now with Lewis I do really love this girl she is so positive wickedly smart and very honest thanks to Lewis also for his work and effort also very positive and nice guy . Kepp up the great work

[@ScienceOfPeople]

Glad you enjoy it! 😊

[@tonyc6332]

I am 4 chapters into CAPTIVATE and I am loving it. It is a great book and a very fun read. Well done Vanessa!

[@SaraRahimi]

Own your weirdness! Love it.That was great Lewis. Thank you and a big hug to both of you!

[@michazaken5323]

That’s a strong soulmate connection right here!!! The chemistry between the two of you is undeniable but also the brave, effortless friendship. You can just tell it’s soulmates:)))

[@vkane011]

New 'all time favorite' episode, Vanessa Van Edwards is such an incredible human, driven by meaningful work and consistently delivering in an authentic way! Just like the one and only Lewis Howes👌Thank you both for all that you do, your work has changed my life and I'm so, sO grateful for that! 🤗🙏

[@MsMonikakovacs]

Loved her, great companion on my AM walk :)

[@SpoonOfConsciousness]

what a great way to listen I'll have to try it

[@savinomarketing]

I've been doing something since February called the Chaos Challenge but I don't want to spoil what it is because one of my goals is to meet Vanessa and have her be the daily participant. It has truly changed my life.

[@if7363]

Absolutely best interview ever. Best interview of Lewis. And one of best Vanessa's interviews.

[@lewishowes]

So glad you enjoyed it! Appreciate you for listening.

[@Mlnyc100]

People always remember how you made them feel. Now that's the truth 💖

[@elizabethespinoza4779]

I could listen to these two forever

[@amandamcdowell]

Loved this podcast! Many brilliant gold nuggets here. Just bought your book Vanessa. Looking forward to learning more from you!

[@d.collins1134]

Lewis, fantastic interview. Vanessa is one of my favorites. Her research and insight on human interaction is fascinating. And love her book, Captivate, reading it now. You have some of the most interesting and informative guests. Thank you sir.,well done again.

[@lewishowes]

Vanessa is awesome! Thanks for watching.

[@gracecook3392]

3 years late in the comments section, but even as a woman I smile at pretty much everyone. That or I do the nod even if I feel intimidated. My personal reason for that is that someone is much less likely to come at you if they see you see them and aknowlege them. People are much less likely to attack someone who faces forward confidently. The sharper your claws the less you need to use them.

[@warfreak38]

I love watching her and listening to her speak. Very smart woman. There's a lot of aha moments every time I watch her.

[@Lafleursoleil]

Vanessa Van Edwards is such a beautiful and inspiring person. I love this so much!

[@lewishowes]

🧡

[@ScienceOfPeople]

Thank you so much ❤

[@stephanvaleros9948]

Thanks for the fun episode! It's inspired me to "infect" everyone around me with excitement more intentionally (and I'm already seeing improvements in my relationships!!) So glad I paused the podcast app to watch this video because it was fun to follow along with the body language cues, haha. Keep up the greatness, you two!

[@miamisammy4020]

Omg! She’s so cute! I love her! You always have great guests, Lewis! You always deliver excellence!

[@VoiceoverMomentum]

I’ve got to stop watching this podcast ...I buy all the books! Including THIS one. AMAZING!

[@lewishowes]

Appreciate you! 🙏

[@raffacasting]

The ambivalence was the best insight i got from it. Was exactly what killed my last relationship.

[@lissitoj3428]

Wow! Whoever said Smiling was contagious was absolutely right on point. Thanks for transmitting your positive vibes and points. XOXO 💯💓😁😁😁🙌🙌🙌👑👑👼👸

[@kristenwonder6255]

Love this!! Took 2 days for me to finish but I absolutely love listening to both of you separately so I LOVED listening to you two together. I sent the interview to all my friends :)

[@A-Pro100]

Incredible video! I think I share some character traits of Vanessa. I really loved the whole PQ/EQ, optimization and capability talk. I love topics on the science of the brain and people!

[@shivanksays]

This girl is awesome.

[@basantabc7536]

She's fascinating and incredibly insightful. Loved the interview.❤❤❤❤

[@lewishowes]

Thank you so much for watching!

[@AnaKatarinaPessoa]

Great interview! I love to hear Vanessa, her observations and advice are so good. She is a real expert in body language and in the science of people, in general. Congratulations for this episode, Lewis.

[@donnaquinlan6530]

Favorite guest so far I needed this that you Lewis

[@lewishowes]

🧡

[@kurtsmock2246]

Vanessa has the coolest communication style. Her cadence and tone is so special! =)

[@creativeraven2222]

Plants evolved before us and they communicate chemically too. Makes sense for us to respond to each other this way. Language is relatively new.

[@staceyb5704]

Great energy in this episode! I was positively surprised by how both of you opened up and showed very personal stories. Thank you

[@lewishowes]

You're welcome 🧡

[@cherylcallahan5402]

Lewis Howes W/Vanessa Van Edward's appreciate your commentary Listening from Mass USA TYVM 💙 Vanessa

[@diana0620]

❤ Excellent. Something that never gets discussed with a men and women's insecurities

[@lewishowes]

Glad you enjoyed it!

[@marytavares8689]

I had Vanessa’s book on my Audible wish list, and scrolled back to this interview to decide if it was the best choice of book for this month....Yes. I’m a group fitness instructor and have an endless storehouse of energy and motivation to workout. I often think about how I intend for people to catch that from me (like it’s a contagious thing) but didn’t know if that idea had any validity. I love how she talked about that concept and how it’s scientifically proven. 🙏🏼

[@harevir]

Control, capability and optimization are the key to be happy. Loved that part, plus the tetris effect.

[@muddyshoes4517]

Yesssss!!!! 37:48 "I love big ideas, but I know a an athlete that you have to execute on a daily basis to make them happen"

[@travislloydonline]

This was a great conversation to listen to while working on a project proposal!

[@paulinemukundi7318]

I have just discovered Venessa but i already like her!

[@theelmz5923]

Lewis, I absolutely loved this interview... Truly powerful, inspirational and reassuringly comforting. Vanessa's awkwardness is her superpower! Truly a beautiful Soul.

[@Dani-uu9mn]

I loved this episode! It was fascinating start to finish because it not only teaches about connecting better with other people but also taught me a ton about myself. I'm totally a "recovering awkward" person. Lol Keep up the great content Lewis! 😁

[@lillybizzo]

Thanks for this great interview!! Vanessa has been one of feel people that helped change my way of seing and interact with life. I watched her course on The Great Course Plus and I felt in Love with what I learned from her. Even know english is not my first language, Im a brazilian and my primary language is portugues, it's still clean enough to understand everything!! May God Bless all!!

[@kayh543]

❤❤❤ Thanks to both of you for all your Greatness! ❤❤❤

[@lewishowes]

You're welcome, thank you for watching🧡

[@hinatalieclaire]

Amazing interview. I need to watch it again. Thanks!

[@aussieruth3089]

The chemistry between these two is electric.

[@nazaninsabzpouri3677]

Love this conversation and graceful. But as a non-English speaker, can u put subtitles? Thanks Naz 😊

[@SamA-vy6lq]

She is my spirit animal!!! 🙌🏽🙌🏽🙌🏽🙌🏽

[@bbexy]

The 😍 TWO OF YOU 😍 would make a great couple 💖. I know you're married Vanessa... and Lewis, you're in a relationship, but there's definitely some magical attraction going on here. ADORABLE!!!! I just discovered each of you tonight. Your smiles are INFECTIOUS, you're both GORGEOUS, INTERESTING and INSPIRING. Thanks for sharing your past struggles and vulnerabilities and for such an informative video!!!

[@marama49cabrera57]

Yes.🙏🏻

[@joincoffee9383]

Am I the only one sense his tiredness and rushing at the end of the interview? He even blocked his face using the book. And that caused her fawning with huge smile and trying to catch his eyes while he was dodging her eye contact. I don’t know. Vanissa is a kind, genuine sweetheart. I feel bad and sorry for her for the ending part. She deserves an apology, at least in my book. Otherwise it’s a great interview.

[@KeepPrayingCA]

i love you! you are so cool, humble, real, great interviewer you know when to shut up lol and also when to ask more questions. even when you have people that don't really answer your questions and keep going on and on you know how to still try to stay on point. but love how you have all these people i have been finding "naturally". its such a small world but now really. anyways you ROCK

[@donnaquinlan6530]

I’m going in again for a listen such a fun visit/talk

[@lewishowes]

👍

[@RachelGarwood]

I enjoyed watching this interview and learnt about some interesting concepts. Thank you Vanessa and Lewis for sharing such empowering and transformational content.

[@louisagraham8957]

Loved this so enlightening

[@lewishowes]

👍

[@adamforrest8731]

SHES REAL, AND AMAZING

[@Adry4043]

Vanessa is amazing. Thank you both for this extremely helpful and intelligent conversation.

[@firstlast2034]

Lots of information for success!!

[@lewishowes]

🙌

[@ScienceOfPeople]

❤

[@SonyaLooney1]

This is one of my favorite books I read this year! I loved that she read her own audiobook. So much value!!

[@MysticButterfly]

Loved this interview Lewis! What an amazing person Vanessa is 😊 Thank you for the great tips. Another fantastic video!

[@amberscottcmt7400]

One of your best episodes to date!!

[@lewishowes]

Thank you so much for watching! 🧡 Any chance you can pre-order a copy also? It would mean a lot to me if so! Here is the link: lewishowes.com/gmytcc

[@kaledoniajdubrey9239]

Just went to Amazon to purchase her book after listening to this podcast. Thank you!

[@doomeddodo]

I'm glad I herd this about high neurotic people because I always worry and I thought that it can't be normal.

[@jermaineedwards7157]

Love the insights Vanessa. Thanks Lewis. great content as always inspiring me to consider what my PQ is and infecting others with the right emotion :)

[@jermaineedwards7157]

Happy to :)

[@sands7779]

uplifting interview - loved Vanessa's explanation of neuroticism - length of time to self calm - "when people tell me it will be fine it makes me more nervous" 😀 I like the idea of working with the way you and people are wired - negotiating with it

[@josecosta9058]

You both makes the interview very excited!

[@lewishowes]

Thank you! 😃

[@HonzaRajnyy]

So many notes from this one single podcast. Thank you both for this awesome conversation. Started as a form of procrastination (not gonna lie, right? ) and ended up as one of the most valuable things in a long time. Cheers from the Czech republic.

[@luissarti4227]

One of the top episodes. Thank you both for sharing your gifts! Don’t worry so much about the book. It’s going to do great. I’m fact, getting a copy of both your books. Again. Gracias!

[@Katyayanibetha]

Love this. Grateful for this brilliance to light my way.

[@queenfeminine8684]

THANK YOU Vanessa and Lewis, I am appreciating this video and hopefully can use it in my daily life..thanks for the inspiration!