the TRUTH about my weight loss - relapse & recovery

this is something ive been wanting to talk about but i havent been quite ready. here's a reminder to treat yourselves well, please
i want to be real, i want to show my ups and downs, and i want to get through this together
i love you guys, thank you for being patient with me.
if youre looking for a sign, this is it.
💫 SOCIAL MEDIA 💫
💛 instagram: / vanessanagoya
💛 twitter: / vanessanagoya
💛 spotify: open.spotify.c...
💛 vsco: vsco.com/vanes...
💛 snapchat: / vanessa_nagoya
💫P.O. BOX ADDRESS💫
Vanessa Nagoya
30595 Trabuco Canyon Rd
P.O. BOX #311
Trabuco Canyon, CA 92678
💫MERCH💫
💛buy it here: www.bonfire.co...
💫 BUSINESS ONLY EMAIL 💫
💛 [e-mail]
💫 MUSIC 💫
💛 intro: feelings - lauv
💛 outro: 3:15 - bazzi (cover by paige,amelia,reva, and i)
I love you & thrive today💛🌙🌟
-Vanessa Nagoya

[@VanessaNagoya]

im going live @ 1PM PST with melanie were making some food and talking and its just gonna be an open discussion, come join!

[@iwanthummus2248]

❤️❤️

[@arianaburgio_9076]

I’ll be there 💞

[@annietran_05]

cant wait!!!

[@NatalieParenteau]

i’ll be there fs :)

[@averypearl]

i'll be there

[@FeliciaWang]

i NEEDED this video i’ve been comparing my body to other people way too much recently

[@QUiNTiNBANKS]

Stay positive

[@lanakranjcevic2752]

same girl..you got this

[@VanessaNagoya]

i got you

[@bustedoven]

"I dont want to loss a friendship because I loss myself." 🥺 awwee

[@stephanieoladipo818]

this line got meeee

[@kaitlynmurdock493]

i felt that too much

[@NatalieParenteau]

okay so i honestly love how vanessa is real. she doesnt hide behind anything or anyone and i really appreciate that. also, i love that she isn’t afraid to share things with us and she talks about topics that others would shy away from. she constantly reminds us that we’re are worthy and to take care of ourselves. we really need more influencers and just people in the world like her

[@VanessaNagoya]

thank you I LOVE YOU

[@NatalieParenteau]

@@VanessaNagoya i love you more

[@naominishikawa7230]

vanessa love and support chain 🥺❤️

[@kluvssharks]

[@stephanieoladipo818]

[@VanessaNagoya]

i love you naomi

[@sincerely.shayla]

[@NatalieParenteau]

[@fatimaalmehairbi7587]

to everyone: -you are enough even if your mind or anyone else tells you otherwise. I love you all

[@ErinDevon]

i love vanessa bc she is real and not a "perfect" person. thank you for being so real and open!

[@erinpark918]

you don’t have to worry about being inconsistent on yt !! please take care of yourself ! we’d rather have you be happy and content w yourself than have to put your work into posting 🤍

[@DianaAngYTchannel]

Vanessa, you’re so brave for being vulnerable to all of us strangers, but you’re doing great ❤️ Acceptance and being self aware is the first step and I’m proud of you and believe in you, we all do.

[@aneiliar2807]

i honestly love how vanessa is so real. like she doesn’t hide anything. she’s literally so strong. but i honestly needed this video, i’ve been struggling too. you literally motivate me. but stay strong girl, you can do it.

[@afiana3930]

just remember you don't owe anyone anything,, least of all the internet.

[@twishagupta8683]

Vanessa never think your alone, you aren't. If no one answers your calls I'm here, chat with me in the comments. ily I never want you to feel that way.

[@emelialashomb]

can we just appreciate how real vanessa is. so many other influencers or content creators don’t show the real stuff but she’s open to us and always reminds us to take care of ourselves. thank you❤️

[@michelles.6586]

Just a reminder that crying isn't weak! It shows your strength and it is healthy for you.

[@anant8748]

Tysm I needed this

[@cdzh.]

When she said no one answered to the phone... I literally started crying I love how strong she is and I hope that thanks to her, more people gather the courage to get help!!

[@clarasch5487]

one of my friends has/had an eating disorder and is recovering slowly right now. watching your videos helps me understand her and it helps me accept that it's okay if she doesn't talk to me much about her feelings because i know that i can't really understand her, but i will stand with her and wait for her until she's ready to talk about it. and if she doesn't want to talk at all, that's fine.

[@graciecalabrese6616]

crying is not weak, it's a sign that you're a strong person because you are able to hold so much emotion and feeling, crying is a good thing because it lets out what words cannot, vanessa you are such a strong person by showing us that you are just as vulnerable as everyone else, and just remember that we love you so much for being the strong and spontaneous person that you are

[@lanndonnnn]

vanessa im ready to listen and help u as much as I can

[@VanessaNagoya]

thank you landon SERIOUSLY it means so much

[@laurenle3743]

omg it’s the dude from the ig live

[@Mo.055]

Normally I fangirl about Vanessa cuz she’s inspirational but today she really feels like a big sister. Thank u for being the sister I’ve never had before.

[@VanessaNagoya]

i love you

[@christinekim3262]

I feel like being so isolated in quarantine and only seeing other people through social media has gotten to the best of us. We love you Vanessa, for doing this 🥺 it was much much needed. 🥲

[@mirandamoguel7166]

Showing yourself so vulnerable in your videos proves you are a kind and amazing girl, I am not one to talk about strengh and emotional intelligence but you do have a long road to take, you will have ups and downs, but you can get through them. You are definitely one of a kind, all love and support!❤️

[@madelynpark3202]

please let yourself have emotions. don’t invalidate your own feelings

[@gracezhang1712]

i love how real you are on social media, and it's honestly one of the reasons i first subscribed to you. every time i'm watching your videos, i feel like i'm your friend and not just a random person you don't know. you're so inspiring, and you're doing great. much love

[@danassaaur]

i was watching this while also lying in bed so it felt like i really was beside you and all i wanted to do was hug you :( i know how you feel cause i’m going through the same thing. i kept going back to this negative mindset. Like i wanted to be “fit” and all but it’s like i’m tricking myself that what i’m doing, the way i eat and exercise, is the right thing for me but actually i’m doing it for the wrong reasons and the wrong approach. My best friend’s the only one that knows about my struggle bc i don’t know how to tell it to my parents. But i’m here for you, Vanessa! Let’s keep fighting together! I love you!

[@gnichols073]

you are so strong! i struggle with an ed too, i relate to this video so so much. thank you for posting this. this shows that ed’s are so so horrible and i’m glad you’re trying to recover. i wish you the best 💕

[@Gabby-qf3td]

Vanessa whatever ur going thru just remember that people don't follow others because of their body and looks, they follow them because they keep them entertained and they have a great personality (YOUR PERSONALITY IS SUPERIOR)!

[@noodlesandsprite7052]

we all appreciate you so so much thank you for showing your real authentic self even in your most vulnerable moments. you’re such a strong person matter how much you struggle or fail it’s ok as long as you have support and get back up again and continue to keep trying. remember to live for yourself not for others. we love you and thank you for being you vanessa

[@lanndonnnn]

we love u bae stay strong by far the most powerful person ever

[@naominishikawa7230]

landon

[@heleneantonova3010]

i can't believe how you just LITERALLY said everything that goes on in my mind.. i'm here for the weekly fear food video!! thank you for ur honesty

[@ferbsman]

this really helped me because lately i've been going back to my old mindset and starting to feel guilty with food. it's really nice to see that even though you are struggling you won't give up and continue to recover ! you are so strong Vanessa and we love you 💖

[@aashna2780]

Vanessa you're such a strong person and I respect you for that. We need more influencers like you, who show their audience the real truth and not just the perfect parts of life. You're a literal queen and Ik even if you might not be at your best right now, ik you will get through this hard time. You got this!

[@Aylee4n]

Before quarantine my eating disorder was so bad and a few month into quarantine I promised myself that I would recover and not live likes this my whole life. And I was doing all of that alone. No single sould knew that I was struggling with these things and being with my family in quarantine 24/7 was so challenging. And then in person school started and I gained weight and I realized that even when I thought I was recovering, i was not. I was always choosing the safest and easiest way for me. I've been trying not to fall back into old habits but idek if i can call them old habits bcs they still haunt me everyday. So Vanessa you are not alone and I would LOVE to see u make more recovery related videos. They always motivate me to keep going and remind me that I am not alone in this. Lets recover together❤

[@lany767]

this is so important to discuss and i love how you constantly let us know this is a progress/journey of being easier on yourself and rejecting disordered thoughts...i feel like too many influencers/youtubers label their issues with weight and body image as a one-time that's done and over with when it's really not

[@tabea368]

honestly this video makes me cry. i am really struggling with myself rn, because i just hate the way i look and i am so insecure and actually i don’t wanna go outside, because i feel like everyone is judging me. i am trying to work on that, but this whole covid thing doesn’t help at all and i am so scared to tell my best friend or even my mom, just because i have the feeling that they don’t care about me, they just wanna be polite. i hate eating and i’m trying to avoid it as much as possible, but sometimes i eat so much that i immediately just wanna cry and eat nothing for the next days. but this video helped me a little bit, because i know i am not alone with this problem and other struggle too. i am so happy that you wanna start this journey, i swear i‘ll watch all of them, because i feel like talking to a friend. :) thank you so much!

[@lauraboifort1020]

Thank you for posting this. I'm in the exact same place with you rn. I've been relapsing rlly bad lately. I used to post vids during my ED, and looking back at old vids, I always get rlly sad n wish I looked that way. It feels so nice to have someone who understands what I'm going thru. You got it girl. We gon' get thru this!

[@pemazidig9152]

you are so so so strong, and no matter where you are on your journey of recovery you are valid and you will get there, i believe in you. we all do. i want you to know that we feel you and we love you and i just know you have the most beautiful heart that shines through no matter what your body looks like.

[@leahcirrincione3649]

Vanessa feel free to be like this whenever you want. You are a great amazing person. I know what it’s like to be scared or feel tired or defeated with OCD it’s very similar. I hope you feel better, I know talking to people helps me. You’re amazing and strong! Keep fighting!

[@tanasiajanel.1200]

vanessa we are so proud of you, we love you and appreciate you more than you’ll ever know❤️

[@해피해피-r5z]

vanessa idk how u held this in on ur own. literally u r so strong. even tho we r thru a screen we r here to support and love u

[@Katy-hp7xc]

I needed this badly. You are beautiful, and it doesn't matter how much you eat. Your body needs food. Please do not go back to this. I'm only 14 but I had an eating disorder for about a year. But now I know that no matter what YOU deserve to be able to eat. My sister had a very bad eating disorder when she was 16. she has to take medicine now because of it. Just remember, it doesn't matter who wants you to look a certain way. It doesn't matter if someone is going to tease you about your weight. You don't deserve those people. They don't deserve you.

[@mishalnizar8022]

I needed this, girl you crying made me cry and Ik how you feel during quarantine I became distant to everyone too, I’ve hated how my body looked, still do hate it because I always feel like I’m too fat a lot of the time. I skip meals because I just don’t want to be “fat”. Also it’s ok if you are “inconsistent”, you come first, you need to take care and love yourself first before you love others, ily 🥺

[@nicolesevcikova6593]

You’re not alone. It’s okay to have bad days. I love how real you are with us. You are stronger than you think and you will get through this. You will be happy again. You will be you again. You help so many people and we are here for you❤️

[@haileygray3509]

aww we appreciate you being so candid and honest! just remember that healing isn't linear and that is ok!

[@charlottedoyle755]

I NEEDED THIS VIDEO. You have no idea, thank you for all that you do Vanessa. We all love you so so much.

[@VanessaNagoya]

i love you

[@daylinrabanales7852]

this video helped me too,i am a 13 y/o teenager and i would compare myself with others but this video helped me understand that im one to the world and i cant change myself because of others.your words are so inspirational,thank you vanessa for making this video it really helps the people who felt the same way,like me :)

[@kimberlybernal_]

thank you for highlighting that an eating disorder is not a Trend! & I hope people change that aspect of the subject!

[@l.k.5527]

I am so proud of you Vanessa! You‘ve helped me so much with recovery and taught me how to love myself and I’m getting better at it every day. I even got my period back after 9 month and am more happier about it than ever. Thank you so much for everything!💗

[@isabella9380]

be strong broski! thank u for allowing urself to be vulnerable with us. and don't worry about having to post on social media/youtube, just prioritize taking care of yourself because that's all we want for you! also thanks for putting this video up because i've been comparing myself to a lot of people but it's getting a lot better so i really appreciate this video! love you! 🥺🤍🤍✨

[@jay-soa773]

I’ve been bad with my relapse and watching this I wasn’t sure if it would trigger. The after view of me seeing this I’m so glad I did!! It truly makes me want to better myself, I genuinely hope you know you have full of my support I’m proud of you getting the help you know you need! I’m reaching out now to also find that help.

[@VanessaNagoya]

sending love you are SO amazing❤️

[@lauras.1871]

Vanessa, lately watching your videos I could tell things were off and I got worried about what was going on that you were not telling us. As a future dietitian, I am so glad that you are determined to improve yourself in every way! Please keep us updated on your recovery, and please see a dietitian if you are able to :)

[@caylintaylor7894]

You have so much courage and you are so brave. So many people don't reach out for help and you inspire me so much. You deserve so much. Everyone has struggles, but a lot of people don't have role models for it. You ARE A ROLE MODEL!!! I love you so much!

[@tarafushiro7331]

Aww this is so why we love Vanessa. She’s so brave and real with us. So grateful for her. We love you Vanessa 🥺💕✨

[@chloethean2351]

no matter what, we're all here for u! I appreciate you posting this vid so much, especially since I've been super self-conscious recently. tysm for being willing to open up and share, don't forget how beautiful, strong, and loved you are

[@isabel-cd9lc]

Vanessa, You have helped me and so many people with this video, even though I haven't struggled with an earing disorder and I don't understand how it feels but I hope we can be here for you and I pray that you and everyone struggling with different problems in their own lives, especially mental health. That you try and talk to someone, its not that simple at all it can take a lot of courage to talk to someone about something you believe you can deal with by yourself. I know, i been through it before and it feels like at least a bit of that weight weighing you down has gone.' Vanessa you're so strong to put this up here of you being so real. Its so lovely to know that influences do struggle, they are real people that deserve to be able to share that. And even though were strangers ill pray for you and I hope you keep taking just small baby steps in the right direction. We all love you and are with you all the way

[@abigaillafleurr]

i pray you get better! yes it’s baby step! i’ve seen you grow and seen the potential in you and I know that things will get better even if it feels as though nothing is going to the way it’s suppose to be or that you can’t get out of bed in the morning! we love you🤍 and no need to apologize for not being active on youtube. you come first and so take care of yourself 😘

[@tobiarubuola7797]

i usually never comment on videos but i just watched this and it made me feel so much better because i struggle with the same thing

[@justinnekatigbak7137]

you are so strong and so beautiful !! thank you for sharing this 💙 this helped me so much bc i’ve been feeling so down about myself and my body lately and it was very reassuring knowing that i’m not alone! i hope you know that you’re not alone too & you have so many people to talk to and who can help u when u need it! asking for help doesn’t make u weak. i love u so much nessa!!! thank u for being so real with us take care of yourself always

[@hm068]

Thank you so much, I've been struggling with my weight a lot this year, I can't wait to watch this. Thank you so much for being real with us. I LOVE YOU SO SO SO MUCH and you are so worth it. I want my class to end already so I can watch this. Again I LOVE YOU. you are loved.

[@VanessaNagoya]

thank you

[@hm068]

@@VanessaNagoya i love you more

[@Paula-bz9yv]

I cant tell you I know how you fell but just know that we will always be here for you and Ive been strugling with body image for a while and I dont know what to do Im going to a nutritionist and ive never been confident so its hard and watching this helps to know that we are not alone and its not like me being happy that you are going through this but its nice knowing that I am not alone so thank you

[@SL-qi4ix]

You don’t know how much stuff like this helps me. I hope for both me and you that we can really recover. I’ve been struggling with this for so long, like literally 3 years or so, in different periods, and it even made me loose my place in the national soccer team in my country wishing I didn’t realeased then but now regret so much... I really both need, but mostly I WANT to recover and stop think about stuff like this, I just want to be able to live my life and be myself without this voice in my head all the time🥺❤️

[@SL-qi4ix]

I have literally never said this in this kind of way before this openly...

[@kylee_2203]

This must have been so difficult to make, I am so proud of you for making it, I can truly relate and just know you’ve grown and it shows, so please be patient and let yourself grow some more, you can do this!

[@laurevanessa2825]

Your struggles don't define u 😭❤ Struggling is part of life and it's okay

[@yiyunyyyy]

hey babe, I'm so sorry that you're going through this again. I know is so tough and I get it. I'm so glad that you have Melanie to lean on and professionals and I know you can get through this. im so proud of you for getting through this. you are so strong, you got this ❤️

[@ellaann2311]

We love you Vanessa and are so so proud of you, I hope you are doing ok. Your so strong 💕

[@paigebotton5449]

Not giving up is a huge step please don't cry😖💗

[@ellaedwards1375]

Girl my mental health was TERRIBLE in the first like 6 months of quarantine. It’s good to know that I’m not alone and people feel the same way. I love you so much and I hope you start feeling better

[@sydneyrichardson4395]

thank you nessa. if u didn’t pop up in my recommended one day, i would never have found u. i watch u everyday and lol everytime. LOTS OF LOVE FOR U NESSA!!!

[@VanessaNagoya]

i love u forever

[@kameronb845]

i really needed this right now, i hope you’re doing ok as well as everyone else in the comments sending love

[@abbiepeck7385]

i really needed this. i love u so much. never ever apologize for anything. we’re all here for u.

[@orca5638]

thank you for sharing

[@samedame9279]

You are so strong and i am very grateful that you share your story. It helps me a lot. This has been an issue for so long, and it feels a little better knowing that you also didnt recover instantly. That recovery isnt linear. I wish you the best, and send you hugs❤️

[@maggiehanson07]

Aww I am so sorry Vanessa. We love your videos but you don’t have to worry so much about KZbin. We are here for you and I will pray for you. Honestly I am fat it runs in my genes but I am super insecure and I kinda understand how you feel. We all struggle and I love you. I am so glad you shared this. Love you and praying for you. ❤️

[@oliviaderda6258]

SENDING NESSA ALL THE LOVE AND SUPPORT RIGHT NOW 🖤🖤🖤🖤🖤

[@imanwarsame5361]

Hey Vanessa, I just want to say Thank you..... And that im proud of you (ik it means nothing comingfrom me but i still. Am proud) although youdid have a breakdown in this video you have groen soo much like more than you even realize that fact that you picked up your phone to call your mom shows that you are trying your hardest to get better and i respect that 💯 I hope thatyou post more vids like this cause its kinda nice to have someone to relate to Also i hoped that you know you are loved, appreciated and supported by your 396k subscribers and i.❤️

[@LivPalombo]

we're so here for you vanessa. we love you so much, thank you for being so vulnerable with us you're truly amazing

[@valentinahernandez2281]

you're so strong Vanessa. Give yourself time

[@Marilynrosea]

I love how real your being :) a lot of girls can relate and it’s good we break down the stigma about mental health and other things

[@emmyk6057]

i think vanessa is one of the strongest people i know because not only is she going through a tough battle against herself, but she’s even tougher because she puts it out on the internet and she’s being vulnerable for the greater good (lessening the stigma about talking about eating disorders) brene brown talks about being vulnerable so much, and i feel like vanessa is really capturing the vulnerability brene talks about. thank you so much vanessa. we all have your back. relapses happen, but it doesn’t change how far you’ve already gotten. we love u

[@catedoge4998]

Vanessa I’m so sorry you have to deal with this,, I’ve struggled with it since I was 14 and anyone I’ve ever tried telling doesn’t understand :(

[@strwbrryrose]

hey Vanessa, i think this is smth that has crossed my mind too. I am 20 so my body is changing a lot and i often look at pictures of when i was 18 and i was 25lbs lighter & i think the biggest thing is that you have to accept that ur body WILL change as you get older & it’s not bad, ur hips get wider and ur body fills in and now i love my body! ur body is beautiful & it probably won’t ever be able to go back to how it looked like before and that’s fine! acceptance is key & women’s bodies are meant to change. pls be strong you can do it! ❤️

[@sophiarodriguez9575]

Ur bravery to speak up about this rly inspires me!💗

[@riyamathur9568]

We need more influencers like you vanessa

[@exquisitewanderer2892]

Hi Vanessa! This kind of you makes me want to love and support you more! 🥺 you have fought a tough battle and even with all that you always remember us, I thank you for that. I really appreciate and adore your authentic and real self! Big hugs to you 🥰 our body is pur own so we rule it. I’m so proud of you more than ever 🤗💛

[@petrahoover7501]

Stay strong! I can only imagine what you are going through, and i hope you will be okay!

[@madddiebwraps]

im 14 and i have been going through the same thing, but this video really helped me.. you made me feel less alone and more motivated.. thank you vanessa.

[@alloriginalgirl13]

Thank you for this video Vanessa. It’s important to talk about this, and I’m glad you got “therapy” from making this video. I hope your okay, and I want you to know your amazing, and you have so many friends. Great video, i love youuuuu ❤️💕

[@maddileah3166]

I’ve been trying to recover for about a year and a half now. My body’s recovered like yours, but my mental state hasn’t. It’s still sooo hard for me to eat out of my comfort zone. I’ve been starting to relapse too and I didn’t know how bad it was. When you said that you were super dizzy from working out, I realized the same thing happens to me. Thank you for helping me become more aware, and help me to know that I’m not alone. You can do it Vanessa we love you sooo much :)

[@rachellelui]

stay strong love you so much vanessa 🥺

[@audreygallier3172]

u are doing so well

[@sunnysideup1870]

this helped me a lot. I've gotten better with eating more but I've been having trouble recently. I've been trying to tell myself that I'm ok and that I'm doing fine but I realized was just trying to trick myself. thank you for making me realize that I do need help. thank you vanessa

[@sajasaleh7012]

Mental health is really really important and needs to be talked about more than ever! Thank you love for doing this.. You're strong and we'll go through this together

[@soccergirlc2161]

We all love and support anything and everything you do :)

[@sincerely.shayla]

Thank you so much for talking to us about this Ness

[@sincerely.shayla]

@Grace Audette thank you so much! 💞

[@embadjor]

thank you for trusting us. you inspire us on a day to day basis, and I'm so glad you are not a "fake" youtube. we all appreciate and love how genuine you are with your content

[@borntosmile7970]

Wow thank u vanessa for being so authentic and real w us🥺💞 it really means the world to us

[@stellamaria491]

Thank you for being so real with us. I really needed to hear this right now. I've never been diagnosed with an eating disorder, but I definitely have issues with body dysmorphia. I look at myself and think I look overweight when I weigh 125lbs. I've become obsessed with my weight and working out and how much food I'm eating. I only feel good when I'm around 115lbs, which is considered the lowest healthy weight for someone my height. Like you, I've been really lightheaded all the time. I'll workout for hours and have to stop bc I feel like passing out. I'll even throw up sometimes. With my weight going up and down I've also been having my period for like 2 weeks then losing it. I'm happy to hear that I'm not alone, but I'm so sorry that you're going through this too. Praying for you

[@kaebear]

thank you for this video. It is so easy to get sucked into a loophole of negativity and in the moment feel like everything is "fine." I wish I could be your friend in real life and talk to you in person :( I am inspired to keep fighting just like you, mentally and physically.

[@BrynLamanna]

this is something i really needed and i really appreciate you. i love you so much. like this helped me beyond measure.

[@vanessahill3898]

you are SO strong for sharing your story! you are so loved, hang in there❤️

[@stephanieoladipo818]

woah. i genuinely wasnt expecting this title like at all, I thought it was more on how toxic social media has been getting but im so glad you talked about this. vanessa i love you so much. i haven’t been friends with you for very long but honestly our friendship is something i really cherish and im so proud of you for coming out about this. seeing you tear up and so weak broke me because i wouldn’t have expected you went through anything because like you said the other day, social media is just people’s highlights and i’ve always understood that but seeing this really kind of woke me up again. i have been struggling with a lot too, nothing diagnosed because im too afraid to ask for help, but seeing you so vulnerable and not yourself really helped me and i appreciate you so much. this year has been so hard on all of us, and in a way our old selves were some of our happiest figments, but now with how different things have become, i know mental health has been a huge struggle for many, myself included. i really want to talk more because seeing someone i look up to, im friends with, i love and care about feeling the same way i do makes me feel more hopeful. hopeful that someday i can get over everything and inspire people like you’ve just inspired me. you’re so so so so strong beyond belief Vanessa Nagoya. thank u. for sharing this. i love u forever. i mean it.

[@VanessaNagoya]

thank you steph

[@stephanieoladipo818]

@@VanessaNagoya WHAT oh my gosh i love you and mel so much