Varied Meter That Works -- Cumuluative Rhyming Picture Book | Peek & Critique

[@pennyklostermann]

Hi Rebecca and Renee. I'm a big fan of cumulative rhyme! ;-) I really love these stanzas. Wonderful idea for a book and very strong. I did have a couple of comments. I wasn't taken with the word "heavy." "Heavy with life" sounds like a burden to the earth and the life on earth is just the opposite and so that didn't resonate with me. I prefer something like "teeming with life" or "busy with life" or "rich with life." Also, Renee mentioned "wild and untamed." Would it work to cut "and" and add a comma? "I am the forests, wild, untamed" or is that just too many commas/pauses? Best of luck with your story!

[@LyricalLanguageLab]

Ooh, good observations, Penny -- thank you! I like the "teeming" suggestion. As for the solution for WILD etc., that could work, though in that case I'd prefer to set off the phase with em dashes: I am the forests---wild, untamed--- / that shelter the beasts .... etc. Hmmm. But those two words are still very similar, no?

[@pennyklostermann]

@@LyricalLanguageLab True. So maybe something like vast and untamed would be preferable. Rebecca seems to have a way with words so it'll be interesting to see what she decides!

[@rebeccachester391]

Thank you for this feedback , Penny! I'll have to give some thought to "heavy." I'd considered this myself at one point and wondered if I should play around with alternatives. When I read "heavy" in this context it means both "filled" (like your suggestion of "teeming"), as well as a responsibility, but the kind of grateful burden of a mother protecting and sheltering those she loves. I would love to hear what others think. Since it's repeated at the end of nearly every stanza, it's an important word choice, and I definitely want to make sure it's a strong as it can be and leaves readers feeling the warmth of a protective embrace.

[@rebeccachester391]

Great suggestions! Thank you both! "Vast" has a great feel to it. I'm not opposed to removing "and" and using an em dash, but I feel like the replacement for "wild" would need to be 2 syllables to keep the pattern going. I see a word list in my future!

[@LyricalLanguageLab]

@@rebeccachester391 I have no doubt you will find the perfect solutions! Your writing is so lovely. :)

[@lisaperron7963]

This is a beautiful piece! For me, "heavy with life" evokes images of fertility (as in heavy with child) and depth/profundity. I agree that it's a wonderful opportunity to talk with children about the meaning of a word based on context. Thanks for sharing your work, Rebecca, and for the thoughtful critique, Renee!

[@rebeccachester391]

Thank you, Lisa! It's been very helpful getting everyone's perspective on word choices!

[@LyricalLanguageLab]

Well said! That's the image I get as well. This piece really is lovely. :)

[@MyLMNOPreads]

Oh I love this piece so much. It reminds me of Carol Reed Jones', Tree in the Ancient Forest. Wow, I am loving this conversation about the word heavy. I remember thinking as I was listening, "heavy" would be a word I"d ask my early learners about: Why do you think the author used this word. Listening to the overall tone of the story, so much of the text supports that it isn't a burden. But I'm gonna think on this. Love this kind of learning. Rebecca Chester, I totally see myself reading this to my group of music & literacy kiddos. Truly loved this. Thank you for another great session Renee'

[@LyricalLanguageLab]

Great to hear the perspective of a teacher of early learners. I can imagine that "heavy" would inspire an interesting conversation with the kids. Dang, now I'm on the fence about this word!

[@rebeccachester391]

Thanks so much for your thoughts and feedback! This is exactly where I want my stories to find a home - in the classroom. I really appreciate your perspective. I still love "heavy," but I understand the controversy around it and am giving it a lot of thought.

[@jreece2301]

What a great example of mixed meter, word choice and topic. Loved this session.

[@LyricalLanguageLab]

Yay! It was a pleasure to work on this piece. :)

[@rebeccachester391]

Thank you, J Reece!

[@buffysilverman2365]

Lovely story and language with fun rhyme and rhythm! A few comments to consider: I also was not a fan of heavy. And I shared Penny's thought of adding a comma for the wild, untamed line (we were on the same listening wavelength, Penny!) One other thought: the worms, spiders, ants are all animals, right? It feels like you are separating "creatures" from animals, great and small, and maybe that's adding a misconception?

[@LyricalLanguageLab]

Spooky shared poetic wavelengths in action! And your nature expertise is invaluable as always, Buffy!

[@rebeccachester391]

My intention was to avoid using the same words again and again for interest, but I'll take a look at this. Thank you for giving me something to think about!

[@daringlavan3615]

Oh my goodness thank you so much for this video. I'm completely new to writing in rhyme and this video answered a lot of questions I've been pondering!

[@LyricalLanguageLab]

I'm so glad you found it useful, Darin! If you're just getting started, be sure to check out my meter tutorials as well. :)

[@denisarosca813]

Hi Rebecca and Renee. :) this is a very helpful video, I love the poem and how Rebecca plays with cumulative rhyme and all the alterations she makes to the traditional meters. I just have one question: why is "very" unstressed? "that fly and skitter and dig very deep". Thank you!

[@LyricalLanguageLab]

Hi Denisa! The "VER" in "VERY" is still stressed since we certainly don't "lose" the stressed beats in multisyllable words when we write in meter. So it becomes about the placement of words and which stresses are simply more ... stressed. In this case, DIG and DEEP receive much more prominent stresses in this line, so the VER- kind of takes a back seat to those stressed beats. It can be hard to wrap your head around, I know, but I hope this makes sense!

[@susannahlee4980]

This was so lovely, and I enjoy it even more now that I've seen it broken down by meter! The cumulative effect works so well, I love the cadence and the way it builds. I was curious about the word "wild" in there, I'm glad you addressed it. I have been stumbling over using words like that... stumbling, bumbling, while, boiling, etc. Is there a general rule or is it best to avoid tricky words like that entirely?

[@LyricalLanguageLab]

I'm glad you enjoyed the video! I don't like to say to avoid ANY word, especially great words like stumbling and bumbling! I think that if your meter is consistent, your reader will instinctively know how to read those words in your lines of verse. :)

[@susannahlee4980]

@@LyricalLanguageLab that's great to hear, thank you!