I Had A Weird Grindr Experience.

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[@michaeljohnstone5886]

Allow someone to talk for 5 minutes and they will tell you exactly who they are. And when they do, believe them! The world is full of sociopaths and you encountered one. I'm glad it didn't escalate when you stood up to him. Thank-you for sharing your experience and calling him out in this video.

[@KevenTalks]

🙏🙏🙏

[@claytoneblackburn]

I would have handled this situation exactly as you did, right or wrong.

[@scotttiory7234]

NEVER have strangers in your home. Sex is fun. But know who they are. And what you both like. Then you can have fun. BE VERY CAREFUL!

[@brijmsn]

I'd rather host than be in someone else's home where they could have a dungeon I dont know about.

[@Kasey1405]

You are a man an intelligent and strong one (by looking at you) and you put yourself in a questionable situation. I appreciate that you mentioned, correctly, that a woman would be more vulnerable in a similar situation. I hope that other folks who listen to your story will learn from it.

[@eesxer7]

Your intuition likely saved you from a violent event. His reaction asking if you felt unsafe and being disappointed confirms your intuition sensing danger. That guy was probably a sociopath and you were very lucky because it could have gone very bad.

[@kmarie7051]

Yes I was thinking the same. And assuming he was(although it's hard to say just from that for sure) people on the pathological narcissism spectrum (narcissists, sociopaths, psychopaths) often elicit what called "the uncanny valley" response in people. They have the same reaction to narcissists as they do to very human-like androids. People aren't sure why they feel that way but something just feels "off" . They are sensing that the narcissist is a fraud and not a real human being at all. Others often cannot articulate what it is they don't like about the narcissist - who usually seems to be the picture of friendliness and sincerity - they just know they don't like it. Narcissists have a pretty severe empathy deficit. Empathy is the understanding of the reality of other people's emotions and the ability to understand how these emotions impact other people, how they make others feel. Narcissists can not read understand or interpret the emotional states of other people accurately. Narcissists are studying your reactions, since they lack empathy they have no other way to gauge what any of the things that you're saying or doing mean. Narcissists generally cannot read or interpret these reactions very well at all and due to the level of projection that they're engaging in they appear to only interpret things through the lens of what they themselves are thinking and feeling anyway without consideration for any other Factor at all. They watch reactions and they interpret these through their own emotional and self-referential lenses and they tend to believe that they are far more accurate regarding this than they really are. It is common for them to assume the other person is lying about or doesn't know their own feelings and motivations than it is for them to even consider the possibility that they themselves could be wrong. Their interpretation of things is based on projection of their own emotions, fears and insecurities. There is no one who fears weakness and helplessness more than an abuser. Very little if anything else their perspective lens is entirely self-referential entirely. How they become versed in manipulation is practice and mimicry. The type of manipulation narcissists engage in most often is the very basic emotional manipulation that even little kids know how to engage. You don't need to understand how something works to do it. People prove that every day when they drive cars. Narcissists don't need to understand people's emotions to use them. Children can be very manipulative in the same kinds of ways and they don't understand how it works either with a child's limited experience and understanding of things. Narcissists brains have attempted to compensate for these deficits in ways that mimic normal functioning as much as possible, such as observing reactions in place of empathy. They engage in mimicry and imitation, often without ever understanding why they are doing the things that they're doing because their only real goal is to give the right response and keep up the charade that they're not having the enormous amount of difficulty and that they're the same as everybody else. They do what they have seen other people do in similar situations or what they have learned works. This is why their responses are often offbeat or inappropriate. They don't appear able to truly read and understand emotional states to innately respond the way that people with empathy do so. As a result of that they often miss the Mark or get it wrong. Think about how you process things when you're talking to somebody just in a regular conversation. Odds are you're not spending all of your time frantically trying to read their expressions and interpret their body language to look for cues or racking your brain for what the right response is to whatever they're saying so that you can seem like you understand and you're just like everybody else. You're just talking and because you have empathy all of that is happening automatically for you and transmitting information to your brain without you even realizing it. You are able to rely on your perceptions in this area to the point that you don't even need to pay any conscious attention to them, that's just happening for you automatically. For people who don't have empathy this does not happen. They have to often consciously and intentionally attempt to translate what they're hearing and seeing into some kind of understanding of what's being said and how the other person feels. Narcissists struggle enormously with mentalization, which is the understanding of the mental states of the self and other people. A process that helps us understand the motivations behind the behavior of ourselves and others. We can use the skill of mentalization plus our empathy to try to understand ours or other's behavior and if we ask them what's wrong and they decide to tell you you can use the skill of mentalization and your empathy to have that conversation and really be able to understand what they're telling you and where they're coming from. Narcissists cannot do these things. They Instead try to consciously translate what they're seeing and hearing and are projecting onto and reading into these things as well, which means that not only are they attempting to translate and interpret something that they really have no understanding of it all in the first place, they are superimposing their own fears traits feelings insecurities and whatever ever else on top of that and because their perspective is almost entirely self-referential they assume by default that everything is about them. Lack of empathy is not caused by a lack of emotions as narcissist have emotions. Psychopaths not so much, but most narcissists do have their own emotions. But having emotions does not equate to understanding emotions. Narcissists generally don't understand or connect with their own emotions either. Asking them questions about their emotions or attempting to try to talk about these things often just goes nowhere. Narcissists often struggle with even admitting to feeling emotions as well, especially those that are perceived to be negative like anger. There is every possibility that many narcissists are not really able to recognize connect with or even name their own emotions, This is very much like a child and narcissists do have arrested emotional development so it makes sense. Even those who may seem able to superficially discuss or engage with their own emotions often flounder when it comes to any real discussion about them. They can engage in emotional manipulation without understanding or even recognizing the underlying emotions or other mechanics involved. It's similar to when you use a remote control. They've learned which buttons to push based on observation and experience, this allows them to achieve desired outcomes without any real emotional Insight or understanding at all. They're following a learned pattern. Often they can't seem to make any significant adaptations to their manipulative structure or pattern based on the situation or people involved with remarkably few variations. They're unable to read people and their reactions to adapt. They're acting according to learn behaviors and patterns not any innate ability to read and interpret other people or to even understand the reality of the situation or other people or themselves. Studies that consistently demonstrate the same thing over and over again people with high levels of narcissism cannot read or interpret the emotions facial expressions or body language of other people accurately and this leads to massive miss interpretations and misunderstandings on their part. This is made worse by the fact that many narcissists not only engage in projection along with this, but they mistake projection for empathy believing themselves to be seeing and feeling the emotions of other people, when in fact these things belong to them and are just reflections of their own emotions, fears, traits and insecurities. Because they are sure that they are feeling other people's feelings they cannot be convinced that they're wrong. They can feel it they're therefore it's true because narcissists opperate off of feelings and not facts. Not only are narcissistic people unreliable narrators in reading others, their perception is clouded and self-referential and their motives are self-serving and often hidden. They do not see reality, they do not see you, they cannot read you and this person's whole goal is to create and uphold their own narrative. They are acting out a movie in their heads and they are reading this script from that movie not you, they are in a different reality than you.They interpret your actions and reactions according to that, not according to actuality. Everything they do and say is toward that end, whether intentionally or otherwise, whether it hurts other people or not. It's not to get along better or improve relationships or to offer honest feedback in order to help you. It's not to resolve anything or to understand things better. It is for that one reason and that reason only. Their perception of you, themselves, just basic reality is totally compromised and should essentially be completely ignored. You can't take what they say about you seriously and allow it to get into your head. You will be swallowed up in their single-minded pursuit of identity and importance. Their manipulation are just targeting other people's ego's need for validation and to feel special, which every person is vulnerable to that. .

[@OLDS98]

This is scary. Please be careful. I will not judge you or your situation, but I do worry about you. I will say this your instincts were warning you, You have to trust them. You felt and sensed something was not right. When you were telling the story, it was just scary and creepy. Be honest with yourself and your dates in the future. Please do not invite people you do not know to your house. Something was just not right. You do not know what was going to happen and he lingered around for too long also. I am thankful you are here able to share.

[@KevenTalks]

🙏

[@veraluxmundi2032]

You get that power move socially too from people who have dominant personalities and see others as submissive, even non-sexually. If you don’t go along with it, they assume it's some kind of fault in you and try to impose their ‘psychoanalysis' on you. It's their way of staying 'in control' when they've been rejected. 😂

[@KevenTalks]

It's a pretty gross quality. What's interesting is they aren't smart enough to realize you pick up on it, so then you have to play along. I played dumb long enough to get him out.

[@kptcali956]

I think your final insight is the closest to the truth: whatever he had going on, it was his issue, not yours. You don't have to participate. If you're dealing with a friend on the phone or texting or at work, you can walk away, not engage, not answer a text. But in your own home, you have to deal with it immediately; you can't ignore it. I think you did a good job defusing and moving things along. I get an idea the embarrassment might come from: your friend's story. She had the wisdom to (a) set up a first meeting outside the home and (b) insist on driving herself there instead of accepting a ride. You know that you can still have your grindr experiences, not be a nun, but be like your friend and be safer about it. I know I regret years later the chances I took; nothing bad ever happened, but they were risks that in hindsight weren't worth it.

[@KevenTalks]

🙏

[@vitrock1]

The major issue here is you allowed a complete stranger into your home based on a brief text conversation. But given this fact, you were right to try and diffuse before it escalated into something more dangerous. PLEASE never put your safety at risk like that again.❤

[@chaoticcreations1184]

Its not exactly an uncommon thing for people to do though. There were hookup sites before apps were a thing, and cruising before that.

[@cr8zystar282]

It is always a bummer when you meet someone off a social app and you are 100% not compatible! 😂

[@KevenTalks]

lol totally, especially if they give you a creepy vibe 🫠

[@jonhutchinson2902]

Someone that lacks empathy and compassion totally is a narcissist or phycopath. Gotta be careful. They also don't read social cues as well as you and I. They don't even understand their own feelings let alone someone else's.

[@KevenTalks]

I'm still unsure whether with a personality type like his, it's better to be absolutely direct or handle like I did. It seems in retrospect he did have a harder time picking up on cues - yet in the moment, I felt if I was too blunt, he may be reactive. Perhaps that's just my own paranoia - not sure.

[@danielimpastato3466]

Your videos are always so...interesting, Keven. 🙈 A normal Grindr user haha. With experience you'll get better at vetting online hook ups so they are more fulfilling for you 👍🏼. I'm glad you feel like sharing with us. 🏳‍🌈 Looking forward to the next hook up story time. ✅ Yeah, this was sorta weird for both of you.

[@newworldlove7031]

Why not meet for coffee first or talk over the phone before you bring them into your home. Many men expect sex just by walking through your door. Its a big risk bringing a stranger home before a clear conversation has occurred.

[@RBB52]

I wish people would stop starting with negative judgements. We start doing risking things the moment we get out of bed in the morning. Keven is right we cannot live in fear of strangers. We simply need to be prepared, if things go south, to keep ourselves as safe as possible. You can meet great people on line and you can meet some real duds. Such is life. One thing I will say is we must listen to our gut feelings...if we sense something off we need to listen just as Keven did. Keven, it is wonderful that you have shared this experience with us.

[@KevenTalks]

We take chances all the time, especially when libido and alcohol are involved. I understand viewers' feedback of course, but I don't think it's totally realistic either. "Why would you use Grindr?!" Either way, I could've "vetted" the guy better. Honestly he seemed nice enough, and he WAS. But it felt like a surface niceness if that makes sense.

[@seattlejayde]

@@RBB52 makes a lot of sense

[@Beefcake20]

This is why i never use apps. What you did Keven, was like having a new car delivered to your house before test driving it...I want to see how shiny the paint is first! Better luck next time.

[@TayWoode]

There’s a reason there’s that phrase “window shopping”

[@alexanderpons9246]

Dude I feel for you, man the world is complicated and so are many people! Glad nothing extreme happened. I don't know if since you guys are younger the protocols of communication with Apps have somewhat enhanced the inadequacy in many, although selfish and self absorbed individuals have always existed.

[@KevenTalks]

I do think it's much harder to assess things like EQ via apps.

[@alexanderpons9246]

@@KevenTalks Keven I wonder if you would of just flat out said to him "man what is this fuck by numbers?" and if you(him)can't let it happen organically then just leave. Sorry Keven, don't mean to be a Day after Quarterback(sorry for the butch reference, Lol!).

[@Splash-nr8ot]

Glad you're safe Keven.

[@lnlnyc]

lean in, you're not alone. your vulnerability gives others feeling the same way, strength.

[@KevenTalks]

🙏🙏🙏

[@brijmsn]

I don't know how I would have handled this truthfully. I think you handled it well because obviously his dominating personality was a turn off. With guys like that in the past, for me, I usually call them on their bullshit and end up turning THEM out and making them submissive like this one guy who called himself "Christian Grey" (Lmao). I guess I've been lucky and never ran into a true psycho. This guy you're describing gives me the heebie jeebies I think it was best just to cut it off altogether.

[@davidhunternyc1]

Hmmm... what you didn't say was what was on his Grindr profile. I'm a submissive bottom and I love these take charge kind of guys. I seek them out. I love feeling disempowered and existing to serve their sexual desires and needs only. You sound somewhat more versatile, with a preference for pleasing each other. I guess that the dialog on Grindr wasn't clear enough as to what the expectations were? Did you check his "tags"? Did you do a search with your own "tags"? Am I wrong? Was this guy really that creepy? I know that I've never been in a situation like this. Grindr can be great but you've got to know the desires of the other guy. You got lucky, in a way, and you're clearly rattled about it. At least you're safe now. It's a great learning experience. I wish you the best.

[@KevenTalks]

He described himself as a "dom top," but beyond that, nothing was remotely unusual or alarming. I always thought "dom top" just meant a guy who enjoys being in charge in the bedroom (AKA a top, but maybe a bit more verbal or something). Verbal is fine, taking charge is fine, but there's a limit (for me) - I don't like when sex becomes about 1 person's needs or desire. If I had indicated I specifically wanted that dynamic, it would be different in my IMO. Am I wrong?

[@davidhunternyc1]

@@KevenTalks Of course you're not wrong. Feelings are neither right nor wrong in a moral sense. Your feelings are your feelings. They are valid. I guess next time, zero in on the "dom" part of top and ask more questions about what he means about being a dom. Also, ask him not to edit his thoughts. This way you can decide if he's right for you or not. For me, I would definitely be attracted to a "dom top." I would even swipe past a guy who says they are only a "top." It tells me they are somewhat versatile. Going forward, maybe there could be something in your profile that more specifically states your preferences? I wonder too if, when you met this guy, you did not vibe on an attractive/chemical level? It's impossible to force being attracted to someone. It's there or it's not. As a thin, weak, submissive bottom, I've got to be very careful. I try to meet guys in public first, usually in the day for coffee, just to be sure. Guys have said that insisting on meeting first isn't submissive. Then again, it's 2am and I've got to protect myself. For me, it's crazy to have sex with a guy you've never met before and the other guy shouldn't be upset about it. Sure, once we meet, and if everything goes well, have your way with me.

[@luminiferous1960]

I think the woman friend you talked to about this was correct that the guy had a power complex and your instincts about him were right. When you failed to go along with his domineering behavior, his reaction to pseudo-psychoanalyze you was an attempt to retain dominance by trying to convince you that there must be something wrong with you since you did not want to participate in fulfilling his fantasy. Don't let his bad behavior and mind games make you think that you did anything wrong nor that you have any reason to feel guilt or shame. Your trying to diffuse the situation rather than possibly anger him was a natural, instinctual reaction in that potentially unsafe situation. Perhaps he would have been OK if, in response to his pseudo-psychoanalysis, you had said that regardless of the reasons, it is clear that we wanted different things for this encounter, so we should just call it a night and part with no hard feelings. Or, perhaps that might have set him off as you feared. Who knows? In the end, your attempts to diffuse the situation worked and he left without incident, and all it cost you was a little extra wasted time feeling uncomfortable and ill at ease. Don't let the encounter cost you even more wasted time feeling unwarranted shame. If there is any shame in this situation it is not on you, it is on him for his behavior.

[@KevenTalks]

Thank you 🙏

[@luminiferous1960]

@@KevenTalks You are most welcome. Thank you for sharing your story.

[@TomGioia]

Self-service😂 is the answer

[@KevenTalks]

lol

[@joflynn5]

Watching your video is like re living an experience I had recently. Your whole experience is like what happened to me. He too asked to go to the toilet and was there for about 10 minutes. I also heard him try to make a phone call which extra freaked me out.

[@KevenTalks]

That is so crazy!

[@greggtilghman6349]

When he was asking you about a pet you didn't want, that's when I would invite him to leave, telling him I wanted some physical fun, not a Freud session. Have a great night, goodbye. But then again, nobody would talk to me on Grindr so I guess at least you'll get people to talk to you and meet you? So you're lucky!

[@KevenTalks]

lol I agree that the pet analogy was bizarre. No one pointed this out in the comments, but it's also peculiar that his 2 analogies (gift-giving and getting a pet) revolved around receiving a present, which implies that's how he views himself. That speaks volumes, no?

[@marcopolo-xj4yw]

Seems like he wanted to be serviced and order the other guy around and be verbal. He realized that’s not your vibe and he didn’t like that. Some people are into that sub dom thing. You are very analytical and that’s fine. He needed alcohol asap in order for the hookup. You are in touch with yourself. I don’t think it was a terrible experience.

[@Harry-fk5of]

In an ideal world we could invite anyone over and have a good time but I could never feel comfortable 'hosting' someone I don't know in my own personal space. I cherish my privacy too much and don't trust people until I get to really know them

[@informationcentralmm]

it is so easy to meet people in "real life." I saw my future life partner in a club. So handsome. When I saw him in front of another club I went up to him "You wouldn't look at me." He replied "I didn't see you." Said I "Would you like a drink." He moved in within 3 weeks (how lesbian, right?) and we had a wonderful life together for 18 years until he passed. I miss him to this day, but I still meet other people in the same fashion. Dating apps are simply creepy

[@brijmsn]

When do you really get to know somebody though? I've known certain people for almost two years and I still dont really know who they are and what they are capable of.

[@Harry-fk5of]

@@brijmsn that's true. I still have to know someone for a while before inviting them back to my place, friends or otherwise

[@tmm226]

You seem like a very normal young man, this was a lessoned learned..

[@brygram]

May I suggest that you are too nice? We can never fully understand what's going on in another person's mind; or what another's intention is... You extricated yourself mentally and nudged the guy to leave your place. That I'm sure is the best result.

[@KevenTalks]

True. Best possible scenario other than it not happening at all.

[@chaoticcreations1184]

I navigate Grindr by just being direct. If the hookup isn't what I expected or it just feels off, I ask them to leave. Saying you don't think there is much chemistry between you is perfectly valid given only communicated on an app. Trying to psychoanalyze a stranger is a loosing battle. You just don't know what their intensions and history are. From your story though it sounds like the guy has issues. I've had guys try to convince me that I agreed to their fetishes when I never would have.

[@KevenTalks]

I have a habit of letting people get too much of my time / not standing up for myself firmly (that's part of the shame). At the same time the fear I was feeling made me go into "fight or flight" mode - so I didn't feel I could be 100% candid or direct with him either. What you mentioned about fetishes is gnarly! People are nuts and may use these opportunities to play mind games.

[@TayWoode]

Similar thing happened to me with a guy in a group of friends that we both have in common who’d I’d met once before. We were all out and he asked if I was gonna buy him a drink then told me he was staying at mine as he lived too far away. I thought it’d be ok as my other friends know him. He acted just like this and when I went to the toilet he left without telling me. This guy talking about the pet store was basically saying he’s the pet who’s been brought back home and now the buyer regrets it and he’s annoyed about that

[@KevenTalks]

People are so rude! Damn. I think a lot of people just avoid communication because they either don't know how to or are cowardly.

[@TayWoode]

@@KevenTalks I know! Especially on Grindr, you can never have a conversation, it makes me think all gay guys are uneducated even though I know they’re not!

[@Jeffh206]

This is a interesting story and has a gay man. I actually recall a date that I had just like this about eight or nine years ago and very similar experience.. He came over to my apartment and it was kind of similar and they made me feel very uncomfortable. He was asking kind of similar questions and things However, I’m very assertive and I just said I’m gonna go ahead and stop. I’m gonna ask you to leave and I’m sorry, but this isn’t gonna work for me and I appreciate you leave my apartment now. . He was upset, but he was OK and he just left Thanks for this is good to share with other people so they know that it’s not just them having. ❤❤❤❤

[@KevenTalks]

Thank you for sharing that

[@YesItsMeGuys68]

You had a Master mindset with you unannounced to you. He was not upfront with you about his expression and what he expected from you. That was very sloppy on his part , having a master personality myself. You just don't spring that on somebody without them having a clue. When an Alpha and a beta blend it can be quite wonderful you simply were not that candidate.

[@davidwoodford1814]

Kevin, I’m so glad you escaped unharmed. Sounds like a brush with evil.

[@davidwoodford1814]

You may have to settle for a pleasant but boring and drama free relationship with a stable older man. If I lived nearer I’d go after you myself. 😃

[@MostlyLoveOfMusic]

He was just socially awkward and trying to relate I reckon

[@jamesjohnson5341]

....I am also pleased that you were safe....

[@allansegall4502]

Meet in a neutral place the next time?

[@dylannicks1146]

Don’t use the app and have strangers in ur home. There’s no process to it

[@Davidee_]

Seems like his ego was hurt because you didn’t want to play his dominant/sub game, these people can’t process they did something wrong or that there’s something wrong with them in any way, so they try to manipulate the situation to save their ego from rejection. I don’t know the dynamics for straight relationships, but at least for the so called “dominant” gay guys, they tend to be very influenced by what they see in porn, which is crazy and completely unrealistic. I think you handled that great, you’re very analytical and know when not to put yourself in more danger than necessary. At the end the day, we don’t know how he would’ve reacted if you just baldly told him to leave, the chances of getting a more violent reaction from him could’ve increased, better to de escalate and slowly reject 😅

[@KevenTalks]

You bring up a great point about a lot of these guys having delusional fantasies from watching porn. It's fine if that's what you're into - as long as the other party is seeking that dynamic, too.

[@Greenterror]

Now this is my type of video 🎉😂

[@earlt911]

Keven, be assertive right back at him from the start as soon as you sense it from them. Have an exit plan like my roommate or brother is going to be home in X number of mins. Got to go! Finally, let a close friend know that you are having someone over as a safety net and to call you if they don't hear from you at a preset time. Take Care.

[@-az-1236]

A piece of advice... don't bring strangers in your home unless you've met them outside and know them well.

[@tayzonday]

Grindr always struck me as implicitly hostile to non-physical intimacy because of its name. Being questioning, haphephobic (fearful of touch) , and a range of other things that make casual sex complicated and unpredictable- apps in general lack the specificity to articulate who I am and what I want romantically.

[@yusefkhan1752]

lol bro what a trip seeing u here

[@informationcentralmm]

People who need dating apps are not confident, thus, they either find other people with low self image or no one at all

[@yusefkhan1752]

@@informationcentralmm strange generalization.

[@ThePolaroid669]

Put it in the description field. Although if you're going to be that fussy, you may as well not be using any apps.

[@ThePolaroid669]

@@yusefkhan1752 But mostly true.

[@dancyprus6863]

This kind of situation is exactly the reason why I always meet for the first time in a busy neutral space for a coffee, to just get a gut reaction if this person is a good egg (or not). Then either one of you can invite the other to your house.

[@thomasrokos5433]

I was like you once then life showed me something only works if their mutual communication and respect.

[@jonbaker5423]

I don't know since I wasn't there but entirely possible if he potentially had an alcoholic drink with him and one you gave him he was buzzed or drunk. If that was the case it could explain his behavior. Also for me if that's the case for me I don't try to have a convo with drunk people or rationalize their behavior. On the flip side good for you that you are out there. Dating and especially gay men can be tough.

[@KevenTalks]

I realized that myself while making this video - the reminder about the drink made me realize he was potentially already drunk. Thanks for your comment Jon.

[@maximiliangonzalez3915]

He may have been drunk, but most people don't suddenly get creepy and manipulative when they're drunk unless they already have those kinds of tendencies.

[@anthonynkurt]

Maybe its time for a new app-GRINDR sucks!

[@Harry-fk5of]

I never see anyone on Gridnr worth contacting. In my area they all come across as desperate and trashy

[@Inexistentruth]

To get what you want in love you have to risk it all, that's the price we pay.

[@valentineamartey9717]

What does this story have to do with love?

[@reglook1]

@@valentineamartey9717 none at all, but maybe some people are trying to find Prince Charming.

[@KevenTalks]

@@reglook1 I would love to meet Prince Charming but I'm 100% fine with a hookup - as long as I feel comfortable and safe the whole time.

[@reglook1]

@@KevenTalks Absolutely.

[@RA82828]

You invited a dom top into your home without establishing roles. I'm a top and I enjoy a bit of control in the bedroom. But I always absolutely have a conversation about it before showing up. Plus, hooking up is not great these days because as a bottom you are face down and azs up and that is vulnerable even for friends that you know, let alone strangers. It would be interesting to get his take on the event LOL.

[@KevenTalks]

Is a "dom top" always inherently code for 1 person being in total control and disempowering the other person, borderline even belittling? I'm genuinely asking. I always thought a dom top is someone who likes being in charge in bed, but that leaves quite a bit of gray area. I don't mind a guy being verbal or dominant personality-wise, but there's also a limit (for me).

[@christopherwoods6777]

Quelle horreur, mec! From the start, when mentioned the dude asked for a drink 🥃, I thought “if I were that guy, how would it be acceptable to ask for a drink and not sound like an alcoholic. …Actually, I can’t fault people for hooking up through an app, but I don’t ever realized how dangerous it can be since guys like that dude are dangerous. Seriously, I don’t know what I would do.

[@williammoore3279]

Perspectives from an old, old, gay fart. One thing I've come to know over the past 60+ years is that there is room for everyone. I've had friends who wouldn't have sex with someone until they met their parents and knew where they went to kindergarten all the way to friends who thought something was wrong if they didn't have sex with at a minimum of two different men most nights, or 10 men if they were going to a bathhouse. Another thing is no unsolicited advice. Just some observations. This man's actions and reactions almost make him out to be a straight guy on the down low and it didn't matter if you were a man (because he was in the mood for some weenis) or a female (had he been in the vajayjay mood). In my experience this type of person treats their sexual partners as little more than a warm masturbatory implement, easily discarded and forgotten. I have no idea what the conversations between men who meet on the hook-up aps tend to include, but it seems to me a sentence or two about expectations might be a good idea. Thank you again for sharing your thoughtful and well-presented content.

[@KevenTalks]

I agree

[@juanramos.jr.7948]

it's ok honey , you'll get used to them.

[@damonmelendez856]

Asking for a drink isn’t weird at all, I mean you’re both planning on hooking up? Maybe in an extremely introverted culture it is? Idk. And a hookup isn’t a place to start psychoanalyzing someone. You’re either attracted to each other or not, sounds like he didn’t turn you on which is fine. No need to overthink everything little detail.

[@blairhawkins7490]

Keven you're in a sticky situation. You invited a guy over to your place for sex. You reject him. He tries to figure out why in a discussion with you. You were on the defensive the whole time. Worry about physical safety & fear of std's. You don't like his arrogance. What could you have done differently? Express these feelings to him. You (Keven) have trust issues. You do have trauma. When you first meet a guy, that's the time for brutal honesty. Which is attractive. The purpose of the wine is to loosen up. But I can't help but be shallow & think you didn't find him that sexy in person. Right now he is wondering why you rejected him. Just another flaky Grindr dude? Or what did I do wrong? Was I too confident? Why didn't he start psycho-analyzing me back? My advice is to practice talking frankly to dates. If you ask a guy if he has an STD & he does, he will block you. If he has no std, he will hook up with you. In general. Guys don't communicate clearly. Including you. Including me. Arrogant guys like to be called out on their confidence....but only by a caring lover. I don't believe you can't meet guys in Miami in person. Use this failed hookup as an opportunity to be more open. Good luck.

[@thomasyenner2499]

Assume that when an otherwise unknown guest uses your bathroom, he will be rifling through your medicine cabinet. Be sure to lock away all drugs, prescription non-prescription whatever.

[@jamesjohnson5341]

You are a great raconteur Keven! ❤

[@KevenTalks]

🙏

[@ryanscottlogan8459]

I am old enough to be your dad and I had my share of dangerous anonymous sex but even in 2024 I would never go to someone’s house or go to a stranger’s house without talking on the phone first.That is just me.😘

[@andyswainson8114]

There's lsss descent guys out there now. Good ones are all taken. Sort through trash = 2024 dating gay or str8.

[@davidharry9390]

Scary.

[@greggtilghman6349]

Apparently you and him had two separate ideas of what physical fun is. did you two go into detail in Grindr what you two wanted out of this experience? I'm leaning towards no.

[@reglook1]

I would have a drink if it was offered, him bringing one in then asking for one, we'll Yea he's a big drinker. No one has yet to comment this guy has serial killer traits. So if u get that creepy feeling, just listen to it. Your subconscious is saying put this dude out quickly. Defusing is the way to go. He knows where u are, so best not to make him mad.

[@KevenTalks]

Wow, that's a great point I didn't even consider. He was visiting (thankfully) but yes if somehow I really ripped him a new one, he may try to "retaliate" later on after leaving.

[@nightwind67]

the moment you started the background music you lost me. You need to call the channel Kevin talks and talks and talks.

[@Krishicher]

I wish I’d been able to have the presence of mind that you had when I met a stunning guy through an app. After mutually enjoyable foreplay, we agreed to have intercourse. He was not very gentle entering me, but I let him continue. This couldn’t be correctly described as rape because I gave consent and never withdrew that consent. But the sex was rough. In our talks, he never suggested that this was his style. And there were days of pain. I should have been assertive, but I know that I let him do this because I felt that he was gorgeous, way, way out of my league. That can be an unfortunate dynamic that sadly happens a lot.

[@cody4109]

How about just not inviting complete strangers to your house. Wow.

[@scott7937]

Why do keep looking up at the ceiling?

[@bg8753]

The guy sounds like a jerk, so I’ll get that out of the way. That said, I’m a long time watcher of your channel. I like your content. You have a compelling on-screen presence, etc. But, I’ve always sensed an undertone of sanctimoniousness from you. As much as I hate to quote him, Dr. Phil calls it being a “right fighter”. In all honestly, while the guy should have had the presence of mind to just depart someone else’s home at the first sign of things going sideways, his pet store analogy was quite apt. I think it’s unlikely you will ever find someone until you stop putting yourself in the seat of the interviewer where the people you date, meet, or hookup with are auditioning for you. The consistent thread I’ve seen in your videos is you interacting with guys and them failing your interview, or you being in the seat of the interviewee and feeling like fish out of water. That’s just my two cents. The only reason I’m taking the time to even write this comment is because we all deserve to find a partner and I hope this is constructive, albeit direct, feedback.

[@KevenTalks]

I hear what you're saying 100%. What do you think is the solution though - to not be as judgy (of others or myself)? The pet analogy I found absurd because it implies he was "gifting" me something I asked for (though I did not). It also made me realize, for him to have that cued up so quickly, maybe this isn't his first experience going too far with someone and having to make sense of it.

[@bg8753]

@@KevenTalks I'll address this in two parts. Firstly, regarding the individual you mentioned, your perception of the situation seems quite accurate. While we can't definitively label his behavior, it certainly comes across as someone struggling to handle rejection, trying to exert control where it's no longer warranted. His expression of dominance in the early part of the interaction was likely his misassessment of what you were into coupled with being clumsily executed as a result of being slightly drunk. He seems like a nervous person who needs to drink to meet a stranger, then screws up the encounter, and then is mad at himself for being such a goofball. Secondly, regarding your approach to dating-comparing it to an HR interview-it's evident this strategy is a significant part of who you are. Although I don't share the same method of scrutinizing potential dates, I am selective in my own way. I typically look for relationships where both parties bring distinct qualities to the table. For instance, while I'm tall and successful, I often find myself attracted to exceptionally good-looking younger men, which balances out the dynamics since we each have something different to offer. This setup naturally avoids the evaluative nature of an interview because the basis of our interaction isn't about equality. To shift away from this judgmental dynamic, you might consider dating significantly younger or older individuals, or perhaps people who have a particular admiration for some aspect of your background or personality. This could create a more relaxed atmosphere where the focus isn't solely on assessing mutual compatibility based on comparable traits.

[@sylvainhyais8166]

Happy you've come out safe from that weird encounter. But never invite to your home someone you don't know at all. Easy to say, I know, and I could well have done the same mistake . But next time please keep on the safe side! In Miami isn't it possible to meet a nice guy in person ,at a gym or at a social club or elsewhere ,I mean the old way...?

[@MostlyLoveOfMusic]

Being uncomfortable is very subjective, and I frankly don't understand that feeling - it's probably an autistic trait for somebody to want to understand why you are feeling uncomfortable, and he understandably wouldn't want to leave without getting some answers that make logical sense

[@informationcentralmm]

Dating apps are for insecure people and dangerous thugs. Learn the art of saying "Hi" to someone in a public space. Why hid behind your phone? Kevin, you're a good looking man. You need Grindr, of all things? Or any dating app ugggh Frightening

[@tenor714]

Great post but it took way too long to tell the story. Also, you wasted waaaay too much time with him. I would have asked him to leave much earlier.

[@TheDroppingAcorns]

Just curious - did you have the “What are you into?” conversation with him? I think we need to be really specific with what we want out of a hookup during the initial chat. I dont ever suggest “hanging” with a hookup either - because to me thats implying something more then just sex. I have a rigorous filtering process now - had too many bad experiences not to lol. And I agree with the other comments - never invite a first time hookup who youve never met to your house. Meet at their place if they are comfortable or outside in a place you feel safe. I only ever have regular fuck buddies I trust come to my place.

[@KevenTalks]

I met him outside and he seemed "normal" but I get your point. I did make it clear to him on the app before meeting what I was seeking and vice versa.

[@ChozsenbySarcasm]

Follow your gut is a misleading term,you want to take risks that pay off in life and work through anxiety, The gut feeling is not iffy anxiety but rather true terror, distinguishable and strong its not the same as anxiety,, when you feel that trust it. Work through the nervousness..

[@spencermarkham1]

Did you really expect anything normal on any of these dating scams?

[@user-fz2tu3lk4h]

Some common sense advice Always always meet someone new out, out is key word Go to the movies first See how u feel, meet for coffee, food Then you’ll never be in a weird or bad uncomfortable situation Peace Also did you do this for an experience for yourself or to talk about… anyway moving forward because maybe your not experienced enough yet Always meet new people out first :) period Even before a hook up 😊

[@jzwalz51robin45]

Looking up to see into your nostrils.....why?

[@KevenTalks]

I'm glad that this was your main takeaway.

[@MostlyLoveOfMusic]

He was just socially awkward and trying to relate to you I think

[@TheMohawk102]

I remember one would go out to a bar and meet others and socialize . That's how it use to be .

[@Leawoody]

Gently. Because I have been there and in a similar situation(s). You admit to being a people pleaser. You engage in dangerous hookups. Based on your backdrop you are likely a perfectionist. All symptoms of unresolved childhood trauma. Yet, you say you don’t have any childhood trauma. Might you take a closer look at that?

[@jciv9149]

I’m not really sure what you would expect from a stranger…

[@aidanflynn1577]

It was just a hookup between two horny men that went south. Clarify your profile and list what makes you uncomfortable. You did your best to handle it, and you did it well. You’re old enough to know this is a non-story. Toughen up and move on.

[@johnsocialgosz2665]

IMHO there's really no need for u to feel embarrassed about how you handled things Keven. With regards to the guy - I encounter peeps like this all the time, so I firstly probo wouldn't have really been that fazed with the encounter. I'd just have come to the conclusion that they were either on the B cluster spectrum, or of an entitled disposition - in short - someone who just views others (i.e me/you) as an object rather than a human being. Ultimately for someone like this, who views the other as a 'sex doll' it's probo quite disconcerting and inconvenient when that doll starts voicing it's reservations about what can/will be done to it. It'd be a bit like a drinks machine suddenly deciding that it wasn't too keen on making the mocha that's been requested and starting to protest. I imagine he was psycho-analysing you in order to determine if there was any way he could persuade you into fulfilling his fantasies - when he realised that wasn't going to happen, viewing you as an object, he probo saw no reason as why not to at least get you to provide him with the wine, ice, services he wanted. Tbo I don't really have as much of an issue with his line of questioning, firstly because I quite enjoy the process and it'd have given me licence to psych-analyse him right back and secondly because when someone's invites someone over to do the sex thing I kind of consider it an invitation to intimacy in all it's forms. In your shoes I'd probo have asked him 'why type questions' to determine why for e.g he thought it was appropriate to ask you/me about your/my past traumas etc. I'd also have agreed with him, that yes maybe I don't know if I might end up enjoying being dominated but if/when I'm going to try it out it'll be with someone I know/trust and not someone I've just met. With regards to Grindr etiquette - hmmm I personally don't think it's wise to invite anyone over to ones abode, - In my world you meet in a cafe or bar first and then book a hotel to take things further. Anyways that's my 2 cents on the matter - make of it what you will x

[@KevenTalks]

I agree with all your points!

[@johnsocialgosz2665]

KevenTalks@@KevenTalks Happy you read/agreed K, have a fab weekend - I look forward to more insightful and thought provoking vids x

[@theomartin7339]

Quit hooking up and find a person you can settle with. So disgusting.

[@ThePolaroid669]

nearly 28 mins of drivel, could have been 3 at most.

[@ThePolaroid669]

you're not very clever, are you?

[@bernardofitzpatrick5403]

Rude bott

[@KeltoiMagus]

it would be more accurate to say that feeling of shame guarentees more clicks.

[@عبدربالنبيعبدالمجيد]

Allah (God) says in the Holy Quran: (And [We had sent] Lot when he said to his people, "Do you commit such immorality as no one has preceded you with from among the worlds [i.e., peoples]? Indeed, you approach men with desire, instead of women. Rather, you are a transgressing people." But the answer of his people was only that they said, "Evict them from your city! Indeed, they are men who keep themselves pure." So We saved him and his family, except for his wife; she was of those who remained [with the evildoers]. And We rained upon them a rain [of stones]. Then see how was the end of the criminals).