Waking up to Chronic Pain, Depression (and Why)

Winry seemed appropriate as a subject. For those interested in process, this time I tried going with almost exclusively sketch lines with a small amount of lining after doing color zoning.
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[@BTM8109]

We love you Eli

[@josephwoods354]

Speak for yourself. I think he's a pompous prick.

[@Brandon_Powell]

Ever since I was around four or five years old, I've been suffering from chronic pain caused by a venous malformation in my leg. I'm getting ready to turn 34. On April the 2nd of this year, I had surgery to hopefully help manage the chronic pain. For two months after the surgery, the recovery pain was very intense. But after that, the pain decreased to a significant degree. However, after three weeks of that relief, the recovery pain came back in full. It's been back for about two weeks now, but luckily, it's starting to fade again. Hopefully, if it returns again, it won't be this intense next time. Living with chronic pain can be extraordinarily difficult. Not only is pain itself uncomfortable, but it's also meant to be an alarm bell that your body rings to tell you something is wrong. It can be very psychologically draining to know that there's something wrong and that you can't do anything about it. In my case, with it going away and coming back at the drop of a hat, there's an added sense of fear and uncertainty that's difficult to deal with.

[@PlagueOfGripes]

It's like your body is gaslighting you. What should be an important alert is a boy crying wolf. Very draining.

[@Brandon_Powell]

@@PlagueOfGripes Precisely.

[@asdfasdf-dg2qx]

I feel this. The worst is knowing I'm the only one in my entire family who suffers from a similar issue (I have issues with joints due to bad genetics). The problem is compounded for me due to it not being respected/accepted by my family (I have a dysfunctional family). They just see me as a guy who should be doing XYZ but is lazy. I sadly never got the positive reinforcement I needed to overcome the (sadly many) hurdles in my life. I started working on myself around 3 years ago, dieting, working out, therapy, etc. Sadly, nothing can be done to "make up for lost time" , or even worse, to "negate trauma". Every week I discover a new aspect of how my personality was (sadly) developed due to constant stress, anxiety, and feelings of inferiority. I started recreationally smoking weed (legal in my country) and it's been the best thing I've done for myself, since it temporarily removes the pain of said trauma and reminds me that who I am as a person is separate from my pain, and that I don't need to let my pain dictate who I am. I just wish there was any help or even some compassion for me. Sadly , as a man in the modern western world, there is none for me. I am just expected to perform and if I cannot , I will be tossed to the wayside. I don't know if I'll ever be able to accept that emotionally.

[@Brandon_Powell]

@asdfasdf-dg2qx Just keep working on making things better for yourself. The things that happened in your past don't have to define who you are now. It can be difficult but it is possible.

[@AmazingAutist]

Don't have chronic pain, but I do have chronic anxiety. Which is also the boy calling wolf over and over again

[@gstomper9530]

That memory of your grandma is fucking brutal man had me choking up a little. Thank you for sharing all this shit with us, even though i'm still going through the process of reconciling with my bagage, I love hearing people share theirs.

[@Pandora234able]

Yeah, it hurt to hear him hurt. I felt my pain, too. I remember being in that headspace ignoring so many people that cared when I thought no one did because that’s what I was used to.

[@Cloperella]

I am listening to your art gripes on a semi-daily basis, for several months up to this point, even going back and listening to your oldest stuff when there isn't a new one. I am teaching myself how to draw, even if it's taker longer than I want, and I'm picking up little pieces from what I hear and see from you. I've noticed your newer stuff has the commentary focusing less on the art and more on thoughts on the IP, or thoughts on life itself. It is so comforting to hear the ramblings of an imperfect man who has reflected on his problematic upbringing and is picking the pieces up as time goes on. I'm also doing what I can to pull myself out of the dirt, and like drawing, it make take me longer than I want it to. But I will get there eventually. Thank you for being an art coach. Thank you for being a life coach. Thank you for being delightfully weird, but wise. Thank you for being here.

[@PlagueOfGripes]

Glad to be here with you.

[@Unlimited_Slip]

For what it's worth, this did help me feel a little better today. I can relate to the feelings you express, and it did help me feel a little less alone. Thanks.

[@PlagueOfGripes]

It's an unusual overlap, isn't it? Sort of feels like being in an empty building but you know at least one other person is in there somewhere too. You know, not like menacingly. But a cool guy.

[@ArosNacht]

Hope you're doing well man

[@josephwoods354]

He is. Just leave it.

[@oloxhossono1956]

@@josephwoods354? 😭

[@ethanharris6226]

I haven't listened to the video in full yet, but the topic is extremely relevant. Two years ago, i was a white belt in BJJ and got wrist-locked by someone much more experienced than I. The sensei excused the behavior as "he gets like that sometimes." I've had constant chronic pain in my left wrist and ring finger for over two years now. Thankfully I'm right-handed, but I work on the computer and it often is uncomfortable to type. Thus it's uncomfortable to write, a favorite hobby of mine. It's uncomfortable to game, another favorite hobby of mine. I cant do certain upper-body exercises that involve pulling and gripping, and I've had health goals that have been on pause because of it. I have days of intense anger and sadness. I've been afflicted with this for no good reason, and even after a year and a half of seeing doctors, therapists, taking medications - nothing has helped with the pain or improved it. They *think* I have thoracic outlet syndrome. So I'm currently trying out exercises for that. I'm pretty young, I'm 22. I'm going to college for compiter science. If this gets worse, like if it makes typing insufferable, it could impact the field I've studied and spent money I've worked on getting into. I don't know what I'm going to do if this never gets better. I don't know if I want to continue when everything I once enjoyed is marred by pain. But I'll keep trying for now. Thanks for reading, hope for anyone out there dealing with their own pain finds relief soon.

[@PlagueOfGripes]

Chronic symptoms of any kind are just a nightmare. Especially pain because it's just always there, tainting everything. I've heard people can learn to live with it, but I'd rather be able to obliterate the problem for them.

[@commandervile394]

As a 38 year old man who is recently (as of last week) going through a divorce after a 10 year marriage and having lost most of my family due to illness and while being a former alcoholic and opiate addict who has been clean for 5 years. This is too damn relatable. The irregular sleep schedules, the feelings of uncertainty, confusion, not knowing how to feel about certain things when you know you should be feeling SOMETHING.. The constant feeling of impending doom, like the walls are closing in. The unknown.. It's a crazy feeling, not knowing who you are, or how to feel, or what lies ahead..

[@PlagueOfGripes]

We all need a sense of stability and control. "This" is what is always present, that is always there. We have to remind ourselves those things are there, and when we don't have what we need, opening ourselves up enough to let ourselves find them. It's scary, necessary, but ultimately rewarding.

[@commandervile394]

@@PlagueOfGripes Yup, and all we can really do is press on, and do better. Easier said than done, and it does often feel like we are racing against time, or don't have enough of it, but it's the only viable option.

[@Ergeniz]

@@commandervile394 It doesn't help that you're likely paying alimony/child support as well.

[@coffeefund]

Maybe these can help someone (but be kind to yourself, you don't need to get it right all the time, and doing any of these will help): 1) Most people fail to act because they don't think they can affect their circumstances - Create a passive baseline (think environmental controls like temperature, noise, light) - Work on low-friction changes first (the smaller the better) to build up confidence 2) Most people are so stressed during the day, the only time they sit with their thoughts is in bed - Finding time to meaningfully or intentionally rest during the day can help you process - Seperating where you work and where you sleep is preferable - Making a TODO list helps offload tasks to the next day 3) The stress of knowing you need to fall asleep makes it harder to sleep - Even a 30-minute nap can be restful - If you can't sleep after 20 minutes, do something relaxing + boring until you get tired 4) Diet, nutrition, and exercise have follow-on effects on sleep - Don't take these as additional challenges but other opportunities to upgrade your sleep 5) Most people have low-awarness, no means of self-dianosis and self-maintenance - Wearables can increase your awareness by visualizing your sleep - Sleep studies can diagnose conditions like sleep aphnea but aren't a silver bullet (do everything else first) TLDR; Here are some core 'best practices' to improve sleep: - Cut-off caffiene and or nicotine 4-8 hours before bed, depending on your sensitivity - Cut-off exercise 2 hours before bed (but shoot for 4-8 prior to help you sleep) - Napping is good but keep napping to a 30' minimum, 115' maximum (avoid 3-5 hours before sleep) - Avoid eating or snacking 2 hours before bed (might make you sleepy but it disrupts your sleep) Note: I know that a lot of this video wasn't sleep related and that I'm doing the "coming up with solutions thing" you mentioned, but trust me, I listened, and it helps to hear how we're working through similar problems.

[@PlagueOfGripes]

Good general advice. Structure in general helps a lot.

[@Nilon241]

Adding to this, caffeine is a big problem. Even a can of full fat coke or something an hour or two before bed doesn't make me fall asleep any slower, but it certainly makes my quality of sleep worse.

[@HermitMongoose]

Lemme extend that out. If you can, don't sleep, work, and play in the same space.

[@shinyrayquaza9]

@@Nilon241 Ive gotten caffine withdrawl from one pepsi before

[@emperorofgravalash9288]

Everyone in the break room heard your "Hello, Hello". It was something to be sure.

[@PlagueOfGripes]

They must never know. Release the hounds.

[@noneofyourbeeswax7379]

"it's just some dude discussing deep stuff i swear" *struggling to hide thumbnail*

[@ExaDat]

I really like listening to your videos. You can tell you are a man of deep thoughts and a lot of the time I can relate to a lot of what you say. A couple of months ago I got diagnosed with aseity, I felt like my throat randomly started closing, and talking with my psychologist made me learn that I had a lot of issues with control, my future, my past. One of the things I'm learning about myself is that I might be missing connection with other people. For reasons I've lost connections with my friends, my dog died 2 years ago and I've been having thought about what would it be to have a partner, which was something I never thought about before. Hearing how you deal with your problems, the steps you take to move forward and make a change for the better really helps a lot. Not many people can look at themselves the same way you do and make a change and I feel I can learn a lot from you.

[@PlagueOfGripes]

Reaching out if you never did is incredibly hard. It's key to a lot though. Thankfully forming important connections is still very possible no matter your age.

[@ExaDat]

@@PlagueOfGripes my phycologist has been suggesting me some ways, but is really hard. my friend group is from school and I have no idea how I made those friendships. over 10 years later I know less on how to make friends

[@Arrowdodger]

I do really feel like seeing your evolution over time has kind of helped me feel better with mine. Like you, I've mellowed considerably.

[@rayuzhaki]

I always resonate so much with what you say man, take care and thanks for bringing up these conversations.

[@all_salt]

Thanks for sharing Eli. The "discomfort" mentioned around 7:47 and 26 minutes sounds really similar to a feeling I've always referred to as "wanting to go home" that is persistent even when at home and there's nowhere to go. I'm not really sure what it is but I think I can empathize.

[@vitore.sanches7712]

That's it! That's the feeling! I've even caught myself mutering "I can't wait to get home..." many times, even (like you said) when I'm already home.

[@crimsonmystic5189]

It's almost uncomfortable how much I relate to what you say. I'm also an artist and I often feel that loneliness you described. I also just recently ended a 5 year friendship with my best friend so my mind has been on endings and futility a lot. All of that say, Thank you. For making me feel a little less alone.

[@Pandora234able]

I really relate to you, Plague! There’s always this constant battle in my head not to let my assumptions and walls destroy potential relationships. A lot of the trauma I faced was because of loneliness. Most people dismissed me, thought I was not normal, etc. Step-dad just didn’t understand who I was and was very controlling and perfectionistic while being a narcissist hypocrite. Even to this day, at night, I battle with my insecurities and intrusive thoughts but…the battles are won more swiftly. The armies retreat faster. And thusly, I see trajectory in conquering my rearing. I think our 20s is the time to teach ourselves how to be the men our father’s should’ve taught us to be. It’s constant work, but it’s worth it. For me, it was accepting that I’m not the “perfect” epithet of a masculine man and my autism. I give myself space and patience even when others don’t! I’m also okay with feeling crappy or negative about existence sometimes. Shit, look at the world and all the solutions to problems not being implemented lol. My goal is to stop overthinking, I work hard more than enough, and just let life PLAY OUT. Everyone has regrets but as long as you’re living for YOU, they’ll pale in comparison to those who felt like they had to love someone else’s idealized version of themselves.

[@Jilktube]

As my grandmother was dying in hospice, we tried to keep her entertained with old shows, cartoons, movies, etc. There’s only so much you can do, but it was something. One day I was with her and she asked if I could put on a now mostly forgotten cartoon from her childhood; “With the monkey”, she said. I was perplexed. I asked her if she could give me anymore info: “was it in color? Was it made by Disney, Fleischer? Someone else?” Nothing she could tell me was narrow enough, and I was never able to help her re-experience just one more moment from her long life that was nagging at her. It sounds silly, but not at her age and in her state. Naturally this upset me for some time after her passing. A few years later I happen upon a YT video in which someone brings up Bosko, one of the very earliest Looney Toons, and a part of me just *knows* that this is what she was talking about. I can’t go back and show her now, but just *knowing* that I found it for her has helped me in mourning her.

[@RickE326]

I get such a catharsis from hearibg you talk about this. It's hard to find someone that can talk about these things and find it so relatable. If you wanted to, I'd love it if you made more of these. Thank you so much ❤️🫶❤️

[@Helmasaur_King]

I lost my mother a little over a week ago. She had copd from years of smoking and it really did a number on her lungs, along with many other health issues. It's been hard on our family, she was only 57, her and my dad were married 37 years. At the same time, we're glad she was able to go peacefully, and we stayed up with her in the hospital all night. Not for a moment did we let her forget how much she was loved. It's been a lot to process. Life just doesn't feel the same, anywhere. It hurts. But it gives us peace of mind to know she's not suffering anymore. If there's one thing I could tell anyone reading it would be that there's not likely to be anything in your life that will compare to the relationships you have with your loved ones, so to the best of your ability, live strong, and love hard. We aren't meant to last forever.

[@PlagueOfGripes]

@@Helmasaur_King Something we all end up learning that never feels acceptable is how things will inevitably change for the worse. We will lose people, and you can't replace them. But we can keep adding people to our lives and ensure our relationships meant something. There's also something of a relief in knowing it's over and there's nothing but peace for them now, as well as for the people around them. Sometimes guilt comes with that, but it's all just part of our shared experience. Life has changed for you but it sounds like it is a good life, because you're caring for one another.

[@Helmasaur_King]

@PlagueOfGripes I think for a lot of us we find our purpose in the lives we touch, whether that's immediate family, friends, strangers, even people on the internet. At the end of the day, we're only here for a short time, and one of the most meaningful things we can do is share in the experience and let others know they are not alone in this wild, rollercoaster of emotion called life. I thank you for this video. I'm honestly kinda isolated in my daily life too and it was a comforting reminder that this is all just part of the process, the ups and downs of life.

[@metalslug97]

Thank you for sharing, Plague. Your decription of decay is super eerie and i want to say i know exactly what you mean, just in a different angle. I think we're all on a wild goose chase to minimize suffering as much as we can but the caveat to that is that we never really know what suffering looks like until we actually experience it ourselves. As kids i think we only hear about suffering through our families like some sort of spectator, and if it were to smash us in the face that early in our lives we wouldnt necessarily recognize it right away, but then as we get older we start to get better at identifying it. We start to see it, smell it, taste it, touch it, then we instinctively begin to fear it or run from it or attack it or hide it or disguise it - the total data we gather on the nebulous entity of suffering becomes more and more rich but none of that data matters until we have a chance to synthesize it (which isnt easy btw) and by the time we can characterize it, we find ourselves swimming in our own cesspool of suffering. I think our parents are there to really try minimize our amount of necessary suffering as much as possible and to be there for us when suffering is unavoidable. Suffering is so utterly unbearable, and having friends or family there to bear some of that spiritual load is heavenly. Fighting suffering is a battle we have to fight eternally until we die. It makes me think that our surroundings aren't the ones decaying, it's actually us. I don't want to end on a defeating note, so I'll I also think we're very smart creatures who, by the time we reach 30, have hopefully developed a strong understanding of systems and disciplines and values and philosophies and understandings enough so that we can put up a fair fight against the nebulousness of suffering in all the forms it assumes every day in our lives.

[@Bubsimon]

My father's funeral was today and this is the first video I've put on and actually listened to since I got the news last week. You hit the nail on the head with everything and you're definitely having a positive impact, Eli. Something I've learned over the years and experienced again with this video, is sometimes hearing someone else express how they felt about a difficult or dark time can help to normalize the nonsensical emotions or lack of emotions we can feel, especially with death. I've been watching since way back in the SBFP days and you've always given genuine and real perspectives on things. Keep up the awesome work, sometimes just feeling "normal" is a milestone itself.

[@PlagueOfGripes]

It's often the processing and difficulty of figuring out what normalcy is for you anymore. Not so much the feeling but... figuring out what you're feeling. I hope you find what you need.

[@Skeletor_414]

Thanks for helping me feel better. ADHD is a real pain and working/drawing this summer has become almost impossible with ADHD and depression really stealing all my motivation away. This really helped me sort through a lot of clutter in my brain even if for a bit.

[@MegaOmega001]

Don't watch many of these but when I do I always learn something new about drawing that I then start doing myself, such as your Peridot video ages ago showing me the importance of flipping a image. And instead of drawing one single line draw in small dashes and correct mistakes as you go. It's a much better technique for me and saved me so much time so a big thank you. You're a huge inspiration to me and my own drawing and I always wish you the best. I hope you see this comment and it makes your days a lot better.

[@griffithsmuse4899]

Everyday is a struggle, but also has the potential for new experiences and beauties. That's what I like to tell myself to help me get out of bed at least... Much love to you Eli, please know that you're one of the brighter colors of the universe in my book.

[@TigerTzu]

I'm actually rewatching your DS1 playthrough right now. I found your channel when you first started the Gripe Balls videos (2017/18 I think) and ended up really liking your Art Gripes. It actually got me back into art after giving up on it for so long. I was still off and on due to my hectic work schedule and life problems, but this past year I've been consistently working on art for the first time... actually ever. Just this week I earned my first commission. I feels like my art dream is really starting to come together, and not to get sappy, but you were a surprisingly big part of that (not that you'd have any way of knowing before now) I really appreciate your work. As long as you keep uploading, you can be sure I'll be around 👍

[@AnimeMakami]

Hearing about someone else's struggles/childhood that relates with your own experiences does relieve the burden of carrying these things alone. The general malaise is a difficult thing, it often feels to me like my brain just not producing proper brain chemicals to feel "okay" and I just don't feel able to interface with life on those days. Days like that feel consumed by a craving for either whatever brain chemical is missing or experiences that would fit into whatever that void is. Thank you for posting this and I hope the struggle being shared is therapeutic for you as well.

[@talshipman1347]

Ill keep it short. Ive been watching your stuff for a long time. commnting and interacting is hard for me. Your videos have helped alot Thank you Eli

[@silverbob4118]

I cant describe into words how much i appreciate your insight and perspectives. Just, thank you.

[@kagamiyagami7321]

Thank you for the video, I always love your insights and drawings. I'm turning 30 later this year and I empathize a lot with the feeling of something being wrong with your body. Like you always hear about pain being something more common when growing older, or depression and the like being chemical imbalances. But now I feel it. There are days that are just wrong. And the idea of the self dies once more. I'm not my mind, I'm also my body. I knew this, but as I get older, it just harder to ignore. I will get sick, weaker, time will keep creeping in. And then you look at your friends and family or people you know or interact and wonder how they are all dealing with it. I guess that's the human experience, or in a broader sense, life.

[@JoshuaMiller-ny5uf]

Thank you. I've missed so many videos of yours when I used to keep up easily. I'm glad you're still doing things in a way you want.

[@TechTehScience]

I don't think I've ever heard my exact sleep difficulties described as concisely as in your video, particularly when I've recently been having such a bad time with them. The medication choices aren't much better. Tranquilizers that lead to a heavy sense of disassociation if I take them in the long term or a second set that avoid that but lead to drowsiness during the day and just feeling emotionally mute. Even the nervousness about being able to get to sleep preventing you from going to sleep in the first place is on point. It's just sort of nice to know there are also people out there who are suffering through the same but refuse to let it keep them down. I recently re-watched the entirety of 'House M.D.', a show I watched as both a kid and a teenager and no doubt had an affect on my development. In the final episode of the fourth season, Wilson expresses that his choices throughout it were wrong and made from a sense of losing control. Where, maybe, if he just tried to freeze things, to give reality pause, it'd all rectify itself. And that's a feeling I used to get a lot and still get. Where reality is moving along so quick and if it were to just give me five minutes where it all just stopped I could maybe re-orient myself. I think, at least for me, that's why I put up so many walls (and used to erect a lot more). Emotional sensitivity mixed with anxiety leads to a sense that acting will inevitably lead to you screwing things up, so you choose to instead attempt to freeze things in place and keep everything (including interpersonal relationships) at a standstill.

[@rexspecificallyredrex64rem73]

You've been a part of my life and a foundational turning point since I was like, 10? 11? 12? 13? I'm 18 now and graduated a month ago or so. Discovering your channel made a great period where I found a direction in my life to head towards and I've gotten better and worse since. I've always wanted to be like you and I hope your days are better as you're truly a fantastic person we need more of. Yes, I did find out about you through the "Jiren is stronger than the color blue" thing.

[@Nostradankus]

I've generally moved away from giving unsolicited advice, especially with regards to people's health, but as a former nurse I had to adjust my sleep schedule quite often before and after night shifts. What usually worked best for me was what I called "setting a joint", wrenching my sleep schedule back into place by force. I would stay awake the day after my last shift no matter how tired I was, until at least 8pm. These days were mostly tired and sucky and I had to try my best to find things I could occupy myself with, but it was a quick and dirty way of fixing up my sleep schedule. Since you notice your bedtime "getting away from you", perhaps it would help? It's not a very gentle way of adjusting it, but I found it very effective. Especially if you're at the point where incremental changes would take too long. Plus, this kind of exhaustion rarely leaves much time for any bedtime anxiety, or least for me.

[@shrekneutron1587]

Lol I've been doing my EMS ride alongs and I did a 24 hour shift a few days ago. This is exactly what I had to do to keep my sleep schedule relatively "normal".

[@DirtyMacflurry]

I really do appreciate when you open up, makes me want to actually express myself, I hope everything is doing okay. You deserve to be happy !

[@tartipouss]

I'm so fascinated by the process of making the artwork that sometimes it feels like there is no sound, just art in the making... So I just go back a few seconds to actually listen, lol. I love these videos. My interest is peaked both in the "eye" departments, and in the "ears" departments. It's catching 120% of my attention and I only have so much of it.

[@Cburger48]

>Im almost afraid of time... losing time/running out of time/missing chances to do things (55:08) Brother, I'm right there with you, It's this fucked mixture of thanatophobia and apeirophobia. I'm only 27 but I was recently diagnosed with stage 4 melanoma when they fished a 7cm out of my head two months back and the time thing has hit me like a truck. Before we knew what was going on I was a mess. I've always been a rock who never let anything get to him but the tumor changed me in a bad way. For a couple months I was jumpy, I was self isolating, all I could think about night and day was how scared I was of death and it was like everything I enjoyed now had this veneer of gray painted over it. Worst part was I was getting "panic attacks" (mild seizures) two or three times a day and with no warning one was about to go off it felt like I was constantly staring down the barrel of a gun. Docs had no idea what was up and threw a handful of betablockers/xanax my way because they thought my nerves were shot. One trip to the ER followed with an emergency craniotomy later and Im doing great. All that nasty shit I brought up is completely gone, like a light switch went off Im back to my old self. Gaming with my buddies all the time, hiking every day, riding my motorcycle until I get tired and setting up camp wherever I end up. Sure the meds and treatments suck but I can handle anything now that I know I'm in a fight and Im not just going crazy. The one thing thats stuck with me though is that fear of time. Where before I had this outlook that good stuff will happen eventually and I have enough time to let things play out on its own the everlooming clock has kind of rattled me. Even when Im enjoying myself it's like I have this itch in the back of my head making me question if it's the best thing I can be doing with my time. I hear my old man bust into a coughing fit (68) and I think about burying him. I sleep next to my dog and notice a few new gray hairs (9) and think about how one day she wont be here. Then I start thinking about myself but I'll save you that horror show, the brain just has a hard time wrapping itself around infinity. It's like I peaked behind the Wizard of Oz's curtain and the reality of it all is worming its way into everything else in my life. Thank you so much for making the content you do plague. Found you through the TBF crew a few years back and you're just such a genuine guy I keep coming back, plus you've given me hours of company during very boring doctor's visits so Im thankful for you and hope you're doing well today man.

[@PlagueOfGripes]

Big life events like someone dying or coming close by some accident or so on causes that change. I'd definitely like to swing back a few years to when I was more absent-minded, but it does light a fire under you to not waste your best years. It's not a feeling I'll thank though. (It just is.) I'm glad the operation flipped a switch for you. God, it's so night and day when you can feel some anxiety-inducing something up there suddenly get unclogged or discarded. More existential problems will hang about, but I'm glad you could get that physical solution.

[@rusty_yk]

This was uploaded during a rough time, and I'm dealing with similar pet/family issues. I cant find the words, but thank you truly for sharing this, its helping me process a lot

[@pondhockey3834]

This was very comforting to listen to. Thank you for sharing Eli, I always enjoy listening to your thoughts.

[@tostisgood]

I appreciate you vocalizing your thoughts like this. You’re always inspiring us to improve, both in our crafts and as individuals.

[@wanderersnightmare8745]

Wow Plague... This video has given me a lot of thoughts. Thoughts about my father I don't have a real relationship with, to my dog (and best friend) who passed a few years ago that changed my life, to meeting up with friends from high school that I barely connect with anymore.This video, and every time you open up with us and talk about your experiences, really helps me to feel understood a little. I've always felt different, growing up and my adult life, and I've never had any real friends or people in my life. Everyone always talks over me or ignores me or belittles my experiences. I've never fit in. Part of it I've learned is because I have ADHD, autism, aphantaisa, and early childhood emotional neglect. I'm as nonhuman as a human can be. I wasn't given the emotional needs as a child and was left alone all my life and unable to pick up of social cues to establish myself in other circles. The other part was myself. Despite not being able to visualize I have a very vivid imagination. I was often lost in different worlds of my own creation and not present with people around me. They talked over me 9/10 times so I learned not to to be there for the 1/10 they were reaching out. I lost myself and was broken by those around me. It took a long time but I've finally put myself back together. I'm alone and surrounded by stone statues that only act human to everyone else or when I'm not around. But I have my own house, a cat that's my world, and hundreds of pictures of who I actually care about. People I desperately wish were real and in my life (even if I live in constant fear I will meet them and they'll treat me just like everyone else does or that they're already together and have chosen to leave me behind). I'm not waiting for them to save me anymore. I've done the hard work myself. I'm just waiting for us all to somehow be together so we can be with each other. I know they won't be like how I've imagined them. But that's what excites me. A chance to finally meet someone who isn't just the same variation of the same asshole I've already met thousands of times. The hope that they're out there, and maybe looking for me too, always outweighs the fear. To just be able to meet them, even for a moment, would make everything worth it. Thank you Plague. Thank you for being vulnerable and sharing. I hope your day's only get better from here.

[@PlagueOfGripes]

I know hitting certain spheres online and rarely IRL, it becomes clear that everyone was over 'there' the whole time and you just didn't know. Sometimes we really are just born into groups of unlike people, and we need to figure out where everyone else ended up. That connection is a driving force behind most of our lives.

[@wanderersnightmare8745]

@@PlagueOfGripes Fictional characters are easy to imprint on because there's usually so much left open to interoperation. It's easy to see them as "just like me but with slight differences". They're a blank canvas for "whoever I want them to be". It's much more difficult to invest in real people because they are who they are and not "just like me". But deep down we'd realize that we all have more similarities than differences, it's just that sometimes the differences are too different and it breaks our immersion as we can no longer project ourselves and see the similarities. I'm sure on a planet of 8 billion people there's at least a handful I could find. Even if I was "one in a billion" that'd still leave 7 other people out there. Maybe one day I'll be able to find them. I just have to keep searching. Thank you for your words as always Plague.

[@thecrakp0t]

I posted and then deleted a few comments by now and I don't really have the patience to dish out another novella, so I'll just summarize. I relate to your remarks about feeling strange, having trouble connecting with others, and found quite a few parallels in each of our family lives. Truthfully, I look up to you in a way because I have my own ambitions I'd like to pursue, and seeing what I would consider a kindred spirit, at least in part, finding success gives me hope that all the work I've been putting into myself and to my goals won't be in vain. This video gave me a good opportunity to reflect on life and better appreciate what I have now, thanks.

[@fablion6324]

had to watch this over multiple sessions, dont normally have to do that with Eli's videos but lot of the stuff being brought up hit close to home. always happy seeing a new art gripe tho

[@Kreacher3]

Thanks for sharing this. I think I needed to hear someone else talk about how they're struggling instead of just hearing my own complaining in my head. Good to know even someone as creative and well-known as you struggles. This helped.

[@TehDanceMaster]

It's always a pleasure to hear your thoughts on, really anything. The personal things you divulge help remind me that I'm not alone in my struggles, so it's really comforting to hear your side of things. I also really adore Winnie (Winny?) when you draw her, so there's one reason I come back. :P

[@bladeRoller]

Hey so I've actually experienced very similar symptoms myself. I've also struggled with anxiety for about a year or two and I'm only recently starting to feel better. I have especially allowed sleep anxiety and revenge procrastination to tag team my sleep and it along with anxiety has caused me to feel that similar feeling even when I do get a full night's rest. My theory on it is it's actually just sleep debt that's built up for a long time. It can actually take several months to work off sleep debt even if you're sleeping reliably. When it comes to actually falling asleep regularly I found that sleep hygiene has actually had a very strong improvement on my ability to sleep. Things like not going on my device and removing anything that would be distracting from the room im sleeping in and only spending time there if I'm sleeping especially. When it comes to anxiety, including sleep anxiety I find it's actually best to just let things happen. The consequences of staying up suck but the consequences of worrying about those consequences and trying to force yourself ar even worse. I found the best bet is to just allow yourself to stay up if you feel like you're having trouble sleeping and then staying in a position that would allow for proper sleep. Being hard on yourself just ends up in failing to sleep for even longer. Of course getting up and maybe spending at least 30 minutes walking in a day and stuff like that can also increase your somnia. So yeah do your best to keep sleep hygiene, set a light filter to come on on your phone at certain times a day, and really focus on good habits that will increase your chances of getting good sleep, and if you can do so reliably for a few months then you might notice a big difference. If not it could also be a lack of exercise or too much cortisol in your blood from persistent generalized anxiety. Wishing you the best

[@Ryuouken]

Its been quite a while since I listened to one of these, and its very striking to me, how distraught you sound :C Lost, feeling somewhat helpless, sad. I always think of you as (somewhat troubled, sure, but) confident, strong minded, very intelligent, focused. You sound very off, in my head. I don't mean to analyse your wellbeing like this, sorry if I'm going too far. I hope you're doing well! Lovely art as always :)

[@halobat64]

I love your art, gripes and writing advice. Hope you're feeling better now man, you've been a huge influence on me as a writer. Plus your art is always beautiful.

[@piotr78]

Appreciate this. I cant say much today, but I can listen, which sort of feels like a conversation too in a way

[@noneofyourbeeswax7379]

I think I understand The reason for these videos. I get i.b.s when stressed and at it's worst it feels like my intestines are trying to burn their way out and there is nothing I can do about it but i still complain to the people close to me because the knowledge that someone knows I'm suffering makes it a little more bearable

[@AsiniusNaso]

This one came at a good time for me. Thanks, Plague.

[@Nick-yl4qp]

I know this is unrelated to the video, but thank you for introducing me to Wakfu and Dofus. They're beautiful series, and I personally think they're both fantastic. Without your villain video I'd never have discovered it. So again, thank you. Also my spine has growths on it connecting some of the columns together and it hurts every single day. Often times it's not much, sometimes unbearable. I'm only 27 and I've had this for nearly a decade now.

[@PlagueOfGripes]

Sorry to hear that. *Anything* back related affects so much. Whenever I hear someone talk about it I also imagine my dad living with something similar - a back injury from wrestling a lamb when he was in his 30s. Never went away. Dofus is a beautiful little show. Wakfu too, but in a very different way.

[@huismands]

Things will get better. They will.

[@Gunnar_Konig]

Not really. Things are always getting worse. From the moment we are born, we are rotting. And for some periods we get better at dealing with that. It feels like things are better. But they are not. Our bodies are rotting. Our minds are rotting. Everyone we know is rotting. The world itself is rotting. Life is a cage and the fear of death is the lock that keeps us in. Optimism, happiness, they're just sweet little lies our mind scrambles to put together to make us carry ahead one more day. We are just dumb animals, smart enough to just barely have the dread of the end always behind every moment of our lives, but not smart enough to handle it.

[@IstasPumaNevada]

The two ends of the scale, with the truth somewhere in between. And nowhere to find out where your experience is on that scale, but to try.

[@fuckgoogle1478]

Ducked and bluepilled statement. I've been waking up with chronic pain for almost four years and I'm still trucking, actually feeling the best emotionally in my whole life. There is a solution to every problem you face in life, you have to grow some balls and put in effort to narrow down your problem and start attempting some kind of solution. Happiness is a fucking choice

[@caseymiller7297]

Always a joy to listen to you unload some heavy burdens. Especially when some Winnie is involved 😏 But in all seriousness I'm glad it helps you. Anything you need to do to get through life just please take care of yourself brother, do what you gotta do 💚

[@Srza02]

As someone who’s watched your dragon ball related videos when I was a teenager and who is turning 22 later this year, I’ve resonated a lot with these type of videos that you’ve been posting recently. Throughout my life I too and probably as many others have delt with many struggles like losing family members and also pets that have been with me and have known for almost my whole life. Recently there are many things that have been weighing on me like personal family complications with moving back to the state I grew up in and many recent events that are negatively affecting society and the world, these thing’s really have been hard for me to mentally process especially a lot coming from someone who is also on the spectrum. Although I still feel this kind of stress on a daily basis, I’m slowly trying my best into finding a sense of belonging and also reflecting on the issues and how I can resolve them and look towards brighter future. I also hope that keeping focus on the subjects that mean a lot to me like art can also help me in the future. All I can say is that I really appreciate the content that you make and I will always enjoy listening with much support.

[@ianimations1656]

I've been dealing with chronic pain and depression since I was 16. Both come and go in waves, and vary in length and severity each time. As a result I also have to deal with insomnia caused by the chronic pain, which makes my cognitive functions and reasonability plummet. After trying several different solutions, being active in nature, in the fresh air and natural light, is the only thing that's ever really helped for me. You're not alone dawg. If you ever want to air your grievances with a 24 year old neet, I'm here to listen.

[@Miles348]

I feel you on that growing fear of time. I appreciate you sharing all that Eli

[@GuitarSlayer136]

Finally... an art gripe for ME

[@JM-tj5qm]

I resonate with you a lot, the chronic sleep irregularity, feeling like nobody really likes me. I was also made to feel useless as a child as well. Isolating myself, until recently too (like the last two years) And because of that I feel things stronger now, I don’t think is because I’m getting old. I’m not 30 yet. I think is because I’m exposing myself emotionally and I didn’t learn to manage my emotions like a normal person would have on their teenage years, because I spent my whole life denying them (also my parents made it a habit to invalidate or dismiss my feelings, so I internalized it. I often doubt my own feelings and judgment of things) Anyways, not saying we are the same at all but is comforting that you face similar issues to me, because I do see that people do like and admire you sincerely, me included. When people praise me I’m skeptical.

[@kiraryuuza]

I use to be around your community daily a few years ago and fell off after a lot of things, and it's very obvious how much you've changed since I last looked. Frankly, I'm glad. I always felt like you were too wired up and you were clearly miserable because of it. That being said, I still regularly feel a yearning for your Discord simply because it was a place of constant arguments, debates and bickering. It's something that I've found to be lacking in most people and nearly impossible to find, and I think there's something that should be said about you cultivating something like that. I don't know if that remains true by any means, but it was a good place to learn and grow. I hope you figure out whatever's bothering you. My personal guess is probably off but your description makes it sound like you're struggling from a feeling that you aren't quite the person you want to be and feeling trapped by it. Try and have a good day, Plague.

[@press_x_tojason]

I've had chronic pain and joint issues for about 25 years now, since I contracted Lyme disease as a kid. I was in the hospital for a full school week, and a nurse had to come to my house for weeks after to give me shots. Around that time, I was diagnosed with anxiety disorder and with something now considered to be on the autism spectrum. I wasn't treated for that stuff, at all, for a decade, and, after that, it took another decade to actually receive appropriate treatment (actual medication and therapy - it only lasted 6 months, but it happened), rather than just sitting in a room while someone talked on the phone for my entire appointment every two weeks. My parents still haven't actually even said the words to me, and, each year, it feels more like they are trying to avoid acknowledging that I'm not perfect, considering that I mostly went ignored as a kid. Dealing with these issues, while being functionally ignored for most of my school years - because I did too well in school for anyone to actually see any consequences for not helping me - really left me quite depressed for, now, the majority of my life. I'm in my 30s now and still recovering from essentially not even integrating into the world, because I functionally wasn't communicative or communicated with. That kind of extreme detachment led to a lot of self-destructive behavior and suicidal ideation, and now I've had a dull pain in my head for about 13 years as a result of some of that. I don't think I've gotten proper sleep since, and that, on top of the rest, just makes it hurt to live most of the time, especially knowing that it's mostly too late and too expensive to actually fix a lot of my issues. And living in these times sure doesn't help, as a vaguely disabled LGBTQ+ guy who is rather afraid of what has been and may be coming for people I care about and others like myself. It helped to hear from someone else who has dealt with some similar-but-different familial trauma and pain. Like I was a bit less alone for an hour or so. Appreciate you, Plague. Be well.

[@wobblefoot7607]

I have recently had a terrible experience with medication that left me with loud permanent tinnitus and pain. It’s awful and I can relate. I have for sure forgotten what it’s like to not be in pain

[@allusionsxp2606]

As someone with Sleep Apnea, it is truly misery. It is a vicious cycle, and I can't muster the willpower to get things done. I am so severely depressed. I feel a small, but sharp pain in my brain. It is so small but yet it is so impactful, like a fire detector without a battery. The pain, sometime I can push through. But I have been pushing for so long that I am tired now. I am starting to question whether or not life is truly worth living like this, I live under constant stress and I clench my teeth. It is unbearable. I am 23 but I feel as if my life is alrighty at an end. I know this sounds absolutely ridiculous, but it is how I feel. It sucks. Thanks for making this video Eli.

[@kinooo___]

Ever since middle school my borderline state of existence has just been intolerable for me. There’s always a mix of anger or depression swirling around especially when i’m not manic, but damn it’s just been one thing after another since 2020. It’s comforting and empowering hearing a fellow artist ramble and hopefully process similar feelings. Especially trying to work on that feeling of secretly being disliked or only being tolerated by everyone around me.

[@Brandon_Powell]

2:04 Hypnagogia. I experience this often when I go back on my pain medicine after taking a tolerance break. It can be a bit difficult for a week or two to get used to being back on the medicine. 2:53 I don't know if this is what you're experiencing, but I was diagnosed with hypersomnia. This has caused my sleep cycle to move all around the clock very sporadically. When I have trouble falling asleep, I always find it easier to get back up and maybe try to watch TV for about half an hour more. When I try to force myself to go to sleep, I never can.

[@ytubeanon]

what did the doctor recommend for hypersomnia?

[@Brandon_Powell]

@ytubeanon Nothing, really. Just suggestions, such as what I said about getting up for a little while and then trying again. Through all the years I've been struggling with it, I haven't found any real concrete way of dealing with it. Sorry I can't give you a better answer.

[@commandervile394]

@@ytubeanon I've dealt with it as well, and what I found works best for me is melatonin with valerian root extract, L-thanine and red strain kratom powder. It has really worked wonders for me, it's certainly better and safer than being prescribed horribly addictive and dangerous painkillers and narcotics/benzos.

[@seeinred]

@@Brandon_Powell Oh man. That last one was such a bane on my existence for a long while.

[@Brandon_Powell]

@seeinred Yeah, it can be rough. And very disorienting. I hope you're doing well now, though.

[@ChronoShadow69]

You speculated on your original appeal, and I can only speak for myself, but to me the moment that I realized I wanted to follow you was the credits of your first Professor Harkness video when you said, "Yes! It's meant to be weird and uncomfortable! Your feelings are correct, don't worry." Really stood out to me for some reason, probably because making my friends feel weird and uncomfortable (while enjoying themselves) is a great joy in my life!

[@Michael-gj7kn]

I very much enjoy your commentary videos with the ex super best friends and your videos on Final Fantasy and DBZ. You matter to me and to all of us. You are creative and very talented.

[@mrvaporiz]

We're very lucky to have you make these speak n draw, I find your progression and advice over the sound of your voice relaxing and assuring

[@Kyfow]

I'm fast approaching 40, and noticed the main thought occupying my mind is the feeling of lost potential. All the things that I could have done, but now that I'm getting older, can no longer do. As a kid, you always feel like you have a choice to do something, there's all that time, but then as you age the curtain slowly falls, and you realize that the potential is slowly being fulfilled, for good or ill. My advice to you is: do more different things. Vsauce made a wonderful video about our perception of time, and in it he explained how our brains discard monotony as unimportant. It's why big, eventful days seem so long, while days of doing the same thing feel short, forgettable. Make a habit out of working outside, go to the city and work in a cafe. Try a sport. Learn a new language. Variety makes us live longer

[@EDIshames]

thank you for bringing years of great content, fantastic art and laughter

[@miqvPL]

8:30 Plague of Grapes Generally can't relate, being 33yo and throwing myself out of comfort zone every few years finding a new hobby to keep myself interested, learning and alive. I buried a bunch of people but then you start a new hobby like martial arts, meet new people, make new friends to some degree thanks to the shared interest. Feelings-wise it's pure apathy. Being single for years, finding peace in solitude and getting my fix of company by spending time with my family and friends. I know this isn't gonna last forever so I'm cheering it while I can but overall I don't feel joy, excitement or sadness like I used to, everything feels heavily filtered through apathy, like being underwater and hearing sounds coming from above the surface. And I don't mind, it feels more stable than being emotionally all over the place in early 20s trying to build something that doesn't break completely. I wish you well, to get things you can under control so you have no anxiety-like feelings creeping all over the place

[@vitore.sanches7712]

It's almost 3AM here in Brazil and I simply must thank you for sharing your feelings with us. You have no idea how much you helped me right now and I'm sure I'm not the only one. Thank you and I hope the best for you! PS: by the way, I wonder if you have read the works of philosophers such as Schopenhauer and Sartre, because your thoughts share many similarities.

[@polyman6859]

Been watching your stuff since middle school. You've given me great advice while providing an example of a person I don't want to replicate. That's definitely for the best, so thanks.

[@jclcc9996666666]

Thank u for descriptions on stuff i couldnt describe cause a feeling is a feeling ya know. And i know we aint going through the same stuff but i wanted to say u are not alone no one is ever alone not really. Now im off to shake away my own walls and need for that emotion invincibility

[@remigyfgrin8830]

I was diagnosed with fibromyalgia a couple of years ago, though in hindsight I've been experiencing it for a very long time. On the one hand the diagnosis has helped very little, since none of the medication I've tried has helped, and the pain remains. On the other hand, though, it does help to know that this isn't normal, that other people don't deal with this. It makes it easier to forgive myself for the things I can't do.

[@PlagueOfGripes]

Having a name to what is hurting you is at least an important first step. Helps you to know you're not nuts and not alone.

[@OneColdtruth]

Why this made me cry so much. It's crazy to see people in the comments with the same stories and other pains that won't go away. Take care of yourself folks our bodies ain't getting any younger.

[@Sililos]

Gotta say, i REALLY love this pic. Its my new desktop background and some day i want to try get something like that done of my own character by someone. Looks really great!

[@HermitMongoose]

Thanks for continuing to make these, man.

[@maria_remedios]

this was fantastic. thank you for making this. you echoed a lot of feelings i had in me but i hadn't found the words for yet ... and i feel empowered. i hope the week treats you well eli!!!

[@PrivateJin]

I’m grateful for the person you are, Eli. Thank you

[@TheJesterInYellow]

I can tell that you've changed and grown a lot ever since I found your channel first from oblique jokes made by Matt & Pat. It's admirable that you've had all these traits with benefits and drawbacks (analytical, critical, detached, weird) and you've managed to only improve their best assets and mitigate their worst flaws, as opposed to just trying to change your entire being or suppress the characteristics entirely. I feel like that's the most gratifying kind of growth, both to watch in others and to go through yourself.

[@johnc7389]

Around the 25mins mark you described something I go through somewhat frequently. I've also never found a good definition or diagnosis for it, but I've come to associate it with the classical version of the concept of melancholy. I have no good answers, but I know exactly what you are talking about. For me it's the worse when I feel like I'm not actively accomplishing anything, which will in turn paradoxically drain my desire or willingness to do pursue things. It never stops me from actually doing things or participating in things, and some days it just swells up after a long day for no evident reason. My best guess is that it's some sub-genre of depression; or mine stems from some flavor of depression at least. Best I can do when it flares up is just hang tight and keep doing whatever I was doing, or take a little break and wait for it to go away. Sometimes I loose whole afternoons or evenings to it; sometimes whole days or weekends. My only theory is that this is just something you deal with as you get older. Some don't; or don't recognize it when they do. Others might drown it out, or just manually deny the feeling as 'bad vibes' or whatever. Not to end on a Mellencamp reference, but Jack and Diane hits real different after 35 for me. Also, I have literally started picturing adults as children to re-evaluate their actions. Whenever someone does something that doesn't make sense, or seems disproportionate in some way; too intense or too passive, I picture a child performing those same exact actions, and suddenly it all makes sense. It took another year or so for me to gain the awareness to do the same with my own actions, and that started making things I do make sense in new ways too; offering new insights.

[@classica1fungus]

You are such an amazing artist, it's so fun watching you progress in your abilities Yuh P.S. ive always liked listening to you because you're just interesting, you tend to have unique takes and angles about any and every subject, it's never been because you get angry or critical. Yuh

[@TealWolf26]

Camaraderie is a very important and nourishing thing from peers. We need to know that we're having the same struggles and can support each other in our extended village. Modern civilization has no village. There's school, or work, but those people are often times fellow inmates of circumstance not family. You have to build and maintain your support structures throughout your life. Resting is important but so is doing things. Inaction just lets entropy win. Living is a very active process. You have to actively fight to keep what you have. All things decay and end eventually but at the same time, every day you are alive, you're winning at life. You still have a chance to get things you want and keep things you have. The game is still going and you have turns to make. The game isn't over until it's over.

[@bazangulon6791]

I know you talked about wanting to help others and not being sure if this was it. I can just say in my experience as a man who isn’t good at talking about these things with others some of the art gripes you’ve done have put things into perspective and helps make me feel less alone and I appreciate that

[@natMcil]

It sounds like you are healing from avoidant attachment. When the ability to depend on others is suppressed into your shadow. Youve been incorporating that part of your shadow slowly. So i think youre doing great!

[@romie7746]

I've always thought of these kinds of videos as an extension of your art and honestly they are what help make you one of my favorite artists

[@jackgebhardt2932]

Plague is my favorite life philosopher.

[@ToxMace]

I just want to tell you I really love these videos. They do help, and there's a tranquil solidarity they bring.

[@Fred63205]

6:23 get more sunlight. Not just your skin, but your eyes. Sunlight during the day makes you sleepy at night. 8:23 try an air fryer, or a classic George Foreman

[@vetamotesable]

It feels good to have my own childhood validated by hearing your similar experience

[@jamesbrooks2927]

I find your words incredibly insightful, uplifting, empathetic, and inspiring. I have enjoyed your work and your words for many years now, as far back as your video on what makes a villain. This might come across a little cringe, but who really cares? I am very thankful that you chose to put your words and thoughts and art out into the world. I hope the well never runs dry, despite the logical fallacy, because I enjoy listening to what you have to say and the way you interpret our world and the nature of life and the human condition. P.s. I'm sorry for your troubled past, I can empathise with similar experiences. What you had to say in this video resonated closely to me, and it was nice to hear you put your experience into words.

[@Salvationtower]

Its really fascinating how certain influences lead to certain behaviors. I was treated much like your father treated you and i developed the same urge to build walls around myself and try not to feel anything. Its a hard one to get past and well done for getting this far. We all grow and learn and find ways to survive our parents.

[@dancinginfernal]

Take care, brother. It's been a struggle for me too. Just gotta take each day at a time. Just got hold out for the month. Then the season. Then the year after. Because I have to keep going. We have to. Even if it gets worse than it's ever been. We just have to keep going.

[@Clementaii]

Thank you for the Podcast Eli, and thank you for sharing so much with us like always You're videos have been comfort watches for me since the DS1 LP, much love my dude I wish you the best

[@SiempreConMago20Nov]

Another safe place to come back when I need to hear about these things. You're treating us, thank you ❤

[@P63259]

Your problems are no larger or smaller than anyone else's. You matter and how you feel matters juat as much as anyone else. Don't compare your pain, bc it dosen't make it any less real or significant. Love u dude

[@4dragons632]

Especially gorgeous art. I'm currently in the younger phase where being alone and in one room doesnt bother me. It also helps a lot that I do like some of my work colleagues a fair bit.

[@Scarnehu]

Being close to your age I've always kind of seen you as "that grampa friend" if that makes sense. First it was angry, sassy grampa Then it was dungeon-grampa ultra dispair grapes Now you seem like chill, almost at peace with himself. It's taken some time, but it's been a pleasure and an honor watching you go through your journey. I hope to continue see you becoming the you you're turning into. Or at least the parts of you you share through your various outlets. Love you man, I hope things keep getting better and better for you

[@dustinsterling3248]

I spent 10-ish minutes typing what was turning into a rather depressing autobiography, then realized i dont know why i thought anyone would want to read it, so i deleted it and now i just want to say - i can relate to what you discussed here Eli, I've been a fan for a long time, and i hope you're doing good.

[@EvilWillYT]

1:50 oh yeah, I've been having that for about 8 months now. It's a new special kind of hell.