Walk Yourself Through Reconnecting

[@Whipporwhill]

"Inner children have magical thinking & built in forgetters. You know how it's going to go." Yes. 🙏

[@madeleinegrayson8372]

Definitely one of our superpowers.

[@dv52528]

It is the hardest and the loneliest moment of my life but my mind is at peace

[@mindkindmom]

Been there, but the peace we experience overcoming that pain is worth it.

[@OneCatShortOfCrazy]

💜

[@Malithi-P]

Same here ❤

[@lyndadoerner5341]

This is exactly the conversation I have been having: how I wish it would go, verses how it probably would go.

[@Bcke14304]

I’m totally stuck in this same place too, as I’m back in a self-elected temporary estrangement from my parents. Every time I try to scenario out a phone contact, I just shut down - very much struggling with an exit strategy. 😞 Sadly, I’m enjoying this round of estrangement from my parents/sister way more than I’d like to be…. Because this time I’m truly healing; finally making progress as I’m trauma processing.

[@msdemeanour]

Once you realise you do not need their validation you will be free 🌻 Stay strong 💌

[@Bcke14304]

Totally needed to hear that re: validation. Thank you!💙🙏🏼

[@katrina3560]

​@@Bcke14304I wish you peace while you're estranged and healing. Give yourself grace about enjoying the space; it's sad that you don't have the family you are worthy of, but it's not your fault their absence brings you more enjoyment than their presence in your life❤

[@lazycatdayz4ever905]

Patrick, you read my mind this morning. I am missing my idealized memories of my family and thought of reaching out. When I walk through the interaction, I see it would be a mistake. Thanks for this.

[@Mossy-Rock]

This is probably the most important tool you have. I don't know how many times this has quieted my urge to reconnect with someone that I've distanced myself from. The number of repetitions and the outcomes you've had with a particular person will predict the likelihood that this new re-connection attempt will also end up in failure.

[@mariehughey5390]

I started doing the walk thru several years ago when I was being Hoovered. I called it “What would that look like?” I imagined all my attempts throughout my life, remembering, … feeling disconnected, invisible, alone,.. I ask myself, “How will this time be better, different, maybe worse?” Then remembering it’s me that has to care about me because obviously there some cognitive dissonance between what I’ve always wanted from them and what I’m actually getting. Then the decision is easier.

[@TheZarahLee]

I really needed this. Thankyou the magical forgettableness of the inner child makes so much sense but this helps a lot

[@KCBfly25]

Mine always pretends nothing is wrong & goes back to being nice... for a while.

[@msdemeanour]

@@KCBfly25 Their true ugly colours come out very quickly. Being "fake nice" all the time is impossible

[@CarieGurl]

Mine does this too and I'm hook, line and sinker for it... I have this hope that I can't seem to come to terms with. 😕

[@jordane8526]

It's called the cycle of abuse. It's the same in romantic domestic abuse. Nothing different with relatives domestic abuse.

[@Marie-ts8rp]

OMFG just what I needed to hear today!! I can not & will not go back for more gaslighting & emotional neglect!!

[@DartmoorPaul]

Yep, that’s exactly what happened when I met my mum for first time. Word for word you know my mum and my reactions, it’s validating but also scary how someone else can predict my mum’s passive agression and then victim tears. You are so on point and incredibly helpful. Thank you Patrick.

[@oceanicmartian]

I def knew how it was going to go which is why I blocked them on social media, then they text/email me asking for clarity & so I give it to them, then they blow up like always & I go back to knowing I was right to begin with.

[@Will140f]

They don’t want clarity, really. They don’t want the truth. They just want thing to go back to how they were. When they ask, it’s just to get you to get back in contact with them. They have no interest in hearing you out. Something I unfortunately understand very well.

[@merryreaper4807]

I've been out of contact with my dad for 5 years, and now I'm dealing with his death. It broke my heart when he was in my life because for a long time, I didn't understand that he had depression, bipolar, and fairly certain schizophrenia. It broke my heart when he left, and eventually, I knew I had stop talking to him because I began having panic attacks after dealing with him. It breaks my heart now because deep down, I never really had him as my father, and I would never be able to have him be my father. I found out exactly how I would with a phone call trying to find a family member and I saw him exactly where knew I would see him next volume down in the morgue, and now I have pick his ashes up and plan a celebration of life with my family for him.

[@WalkingWithNature418]

Wow. I needed this. I had been praying about reconnecting with my bio mom and some family, after going no contact. Thank you for posting.

[@Libbydoh]

We always hope for better. That is our trap.

[@thesehandsart]

Works every time! You're right, it's easy to imagine what they would say when they have been so consistent in their cycle of abuse, denial, minimalization, martyrdom, passive aggressiveness, straight out attacks, back stabbing, lying, aggression, rage, demonization, degrading, humiliating, dismissiveness, and abandonment and discard of you. Hey, if I forgot any, please let me know❤❤❤

[@msdemeanour]

@@thesehandsart Stay strong 💌

[@thesehandsart]

@@msdemeanour thank you❤️ you too💪🏻

[@Stephanie-jx3fi]

I can't thank you enough for this. This was EXACTLY what I needed today. I was crying this morning "missing' some in my foo and thinking about contacting them. I was sober enough this morning to realize that I was craving connection and understanding and empathy and care and that today I could look for those things elsewhere. But I was still feeling down and then I saw this. Thank you.

[@GrowWildOutdoors]

With the ex, I've realized that I've had to float every conversation by ignoring my own interests, thoughts & emotions. The thought of doing that again feels like a pointless fool's errand.

[@princeofb7383]

If they dont get it now they never will. Ive been raising the alarm since i was old enough to recognize harm and unfairness. Ive treid shouting it, emailing it, writing letters, phone calls, explainign it this way and thay way. The truth that we all knew deep down they just want me to absorb their guilt and shut the fuck up

[@ChrisBigBad]

Thank you for making videos - not shorts. rewinding a few secs is very valuable.

[@alysmarcus7747]

This is exactly what i did. I had gone non contact with my mother, but i'd hung on to my relationship with my father. He was an alcoholic and a charmer so he seemed to manage always getting his way. Wanting to have at least one parent I stuck it out with him into my 50's It got so bad i was looking after so much garbage that i was collapsing in his many hospitals stays due to the alcholoism and i nearly lost my home. I had to get off that list. My therapist who was really great but hadn't heard about the gaslighting skills of my father was concerned how i couldn't work this out. So i suggested we have a phone call talk - and I played the role of my father. He got it. It's really sad and tough - but i can tell you that i would love to go back about 35 years or more and get my life back.

[@YDdraigGoch1]

Thank you, Patrick. This is vital. 🙏🏻

[@colettelee1162]

Aside from the magical forgetfulness needed to survive, for me, I get a big 'It's not fair!' feeling because I so wanted and deserved a family. It takes a lot of work, luck, and time to fill that need for family in healthier ways. It feels like having a beautiful banquet in front of me and I'm starving, but I know it's poisoned. I have to convince myself over and over to go out foraging instead

[@msdemeanour]

@@colettelee1162 Find your chosen family. I did & it keeps me grounded. Stay strong 💟

[@Onetwelvefourth]

Well said.

[@moonhunter9993]

Thank you. I agree. I am a survivor of DV. And especially, once you start getting better, it's really important to NEVER go back. Whenever I would get the urge, I would have to walk myself through some of it until I could fully remember where I ended up in the end: down and out, broke, in a shelter (despite working), and mentally completely destroyed.

[@TheLove1Makes]

Good idea walking yourself thru something. Can prep yourself to handle in the future better.

[@mazieluke]

it sure is good advice. I just picked up a pen and paper and jotted some notes. I’ll refine it later. I have to pull away from my beloved sister and her son. Maybe not permanently I hope but for sure now. Disrespect and abuse has no place in my heart anymore .

[@Theohybrid]

"Worse than before". Yup.i know that feeling too well. It's why I sit there as i get a call... Because i think "do I want to feel worse today?" "Can I handle it", "what if young's are different?" And they never are. 😂😂

[@moscowcowboy_13]

I reached out to my mom after 18 months of no contact because I needed help with money and she did help me, but has no desire to talk to me about anything and basically wants to pretend everything is normal. I put up some boundaries which made her act like the victim. I told her she is not allowed to talk about her husband or praise him to me, so she does not really talk to me at all, apparently she thinks the only valuable to say is gossip about the man who has abused her and destroyed her family for over 40 years. It is beyond sad at this point. I am constantly walking myself through connecting with her, it has become a form of mental illness for me and I hate it. She will act dismissive about anything I say and get upset until she ends the call, basically how she has communicated with me for the past 40 years. I have come to accept that she is not capable of more at this point and it is a form of insanity for me to expect anything better from her at this point.

[@HerMajesty1]

You went no contact but went to her for money... A little self reflection may be in order 😂

[@madeleinegrayson8372]

​@@HerMajesty1when in dire circumstances, I get why the instinct is there. Esp if that's the only way a parent showed affection or support.

[@therailbob]

I'm not sure how I feel about this one. When I try to "walk myself through" conversations, I often end up ruminating and beating myself up. Maybe you could give some steps or guidelines to follow so that this "walking youself through" can be healthy and useful.

[@jordane8526]

Look at the cycle of romantic domestic abuse get educated on that. It's the same domestic abuse cycle whether it's romantic or relatives.

[@DG-kl6ud]

It happened exactly how you described...started with passive aggressive comments and then proceeded to mildly attack me about how i don't tell them about my life and how I never reach out to them to know about their life. Followed by shaming and yelling at me for reacting to their abuse. Finally concluded it by telling me how their parents were far more abusive but they never abandoned them and that I have no reason to walk away 😂

[@Will140f]

Yeah, great example of “I never ___ and I turned out just fine.” It’s like, did you though??? Did you really turn out fine mom and dad???? Cuz from where I’m sitting I’d describe it a lot of ways but certainly not “just fine.”

[@madeleinegrayson8372]

Yeah, the textbook defense bs. Glad you see through it.

[@msdemeanour]

@@DG-kl6ud Ugh, sounds like we have the exact same revolting parents 💟

[@msdemeanour]

@@Will140f Their delusion & gaslighting is so strong 👀

[@jezebellnoone9510]

My family is doing some kind of reconstruction of the worst time of my life this week. My parents have invited over a teenage relative with behavioral issues that looks similar to how I was acting out as a teenager. I watched my parents and siblings doing their best to make her feel important and included, I also participated in that. She is a child, so I allowed myself to lean into my codependent patterns. Children deserve all the love they can get. But I realised what we were all doing, and I've decided to stay away for the rest of the family gathering. I was the scapegoat, I wasn't included and prioritized. None of them have ever recognised what happened or apologised for anything. I just needed to share this, I feel so alone

[@Will140f]

You’re not alone, even if you feel lonely. There are lots of us out here in these unfortunate circumstances, and probably some of us in surprisingly similar situations to yours exactly. Please keep posting and sharing and replying to others here in Patrick’s community and you’ll see in what good company you really are. And hearing others’ stories like yours is helpful to me, and I’m sure lots of others too. I appreciate you.

[@jezebellnoone9510]

@@Will140f Thank you, I will be using your advice🙏

[@Annie_n_the_oldGypsy]

Excellent advice and so timely for me today. Thank you very, very much.

[@Official_The_Real_Zooble]

I saw your video about your rude dad just wanted to say since you said at the end that you help people now my sister has been the nicest for over nine years and it really hurts cause no one else knows I’m suffering and gaslight me and lies to everyone saying that she doesn’t do anything

[@Shieldsam546]

Sadly I made the call today before seeing this 😳

[@xxxx4726]

@Shieldsam546 I made the call too a little over an hour ago & the same crap happened again! Not sure why I keep trying. Yesterday's call solidified - I am not going back!

[@Jo-whoknowshowmany]

Great reminder 🎉

[@BlackKnight-x4c]

The way I did nothing but text and email with my parent was to say I didn't call because I always seem to upset them and I don't want to upset them so I thought it would make them happier if I didn't call. So I stopped being required to call and stopped answering the phone. 😁

[@ld688]

When you stop blaming your parent(s) for how you are feeling and where you are in your life, then you know you are grown up and will be fully and ready to reconnect with them again on your terms and you will see a once unimaginable difference in the relationship. I know as I experienced this. Virtually all parents outside of the most obvious exceptions would be thrilled to have you back in their lives and would welcome you with open arms and rekindle a peaceful, cooperative, and respectful relationship. Continuously on this channel, in my humble opinion, Patrick appears to thrive on keeping families apart…& over and over he is embedding “leave the family behind” into the mass consciousness of a generation or two. I understand what you are feeling, but permanent no contact is not the way to go about it. My suggestion to counter what he is saying is “get out of his mind cult peeps!”

[@wendyreeves1600]

It's me again. Just found out that my "mother" has cancer. I'm very angry with her. I asked her back at the end of January so make an appointment for all 6 of us and she would not. I tried to get her to do it first with all 5 of us girls together, then one at a time she still would not, then I DEMANDED it. In April my sister lost her son, my nephew. Now I am more angry with her because I wanted to forgive and heal.

[@CarieGurl]

Wow, I do have built in forgetting. I want to learn more about my inner child but I cannot wrap my head around the concept. There's a book I might read, I fear triggers though. I made contact with my NM. Big mistake, used me then "verbally abused me". She enjoys it. Makes me angry to the core, I feel the anger in my gut. I'll learn? I have to. I can't keep doing this. I have this crazy hope that's not realistic. Ugh.

[@goodgrief888]

Thank you for this. One of my sisters keeps contacting me via my husband. He would like me to make peace and be in contact. Not sure why. Not sure why she wants to hang out and talk. She certainly always made me feel like crap when we talked. Why does she so desperately want to be in contact? The fact that she keeps repeating to him “I haven’t seen your place yet” tells me everything I need to know. She’s not going to apologize, she hasn’t changed, and it won’t be better. It will be the same. It makes me feel physically ill.

[@Sandra-hc4vo]

Ty! helpful

[@kylapollard9275]

My birthday is coming up within the next week. My parents wanted to see me and we’re low contact. They usually give money but they’ve got an item for me, they have no idea who I am so I’m not seeing this going well. It’s never been safe to show dissatisfaction with a gift. Dad mentioned about seeing me on my birthday, I told him I don’t want to celebrate cause I don’t want to deal with bullshit and my birthday is a big trigger for me. I don’t know if I’ll get the good parents or the bad or a mix of both. It doesn’t matter what I plan out I feel like I’m gonna get something different either way. I don’t know hat to do, other to tell them I don’t want them around.

[@madeleinegrayson8372]

Just politely explain that you have other plans or want a low key birthday at home on your own this year. They're welcome to send you the gift, or hang onto it for another time. Then just let it go. Their response is their problem, not yours. Free yourself. And you can reprogram yourself to love your birthday. :)

[@cairosilver2932]

Hurts though. I came across a demand where I thought was an okay person and I could see how it was going to go and keep coming up 'why aren't you doing [demanded thing]?' and the relationship would be hostage to this over and over and it wasn't much of a relationship to begin with and...it hurts to suddenly see it as so incapable of functional relation.

[@samlynx2016]

Last September, I told my mom I was considering breaking no contact with my dad. But I knew I wasn't ready yet, so I'd wait until Christmas. Well, that same week, he came to my house WITHOUT my permission and stayed for three days. Instead of using the no contact as him not being allowed to be in the same place as me, he used it as "I'm coming, so she needs to leave before I get there." He fucking got away with it because someone else whose name was on the lease gave him permission to be there, even after I had explicitly stated probably over a dozen times that they should not give him permission because I don't want him in my fucking house. I had to stay at a family friend's house for three days because I couldn't be in my own house. I didn't even bring a change of clothes. So, I decided to keep the no contact. This October, it's been six years.

[@TammyFaithoverfear]

We do heal, unless we are incapable of forgiveness. If we are incapable of forgiveness we are still wounded and mentally unhealthy. Healing is about forgiveness and Building Bridges. These different labels, and cutting people out, is creating a profound impact that this person is incapable of seeing. When we are healthy we develop compassion and empathy. Be careful who you are being influenced by. There are many people out here producing these types of videos who are not healthy. Praying for you Patrick🙏💔

[@spacejay2677]

this sounds like coping ahead!

[@shylohmonster]

As in, don't stop taking the medicine while it's working.

[@ashandthecats]

Don't do the call.

[@matikramer9648]

I know how it's gonna go I always know how it's been in past and I can guess how it will happen again

[@lightbeingform]

yep this

[@fatherburning358]

Hmmmm. Yes. I do know. So best let sleeping dogs lie....

[@cindyj5522]

Are you a licensed professional counselor or licensed therapist? Where are you licensed? Is your license current in your State? It seems to me you are practicing here without any professional oversight and committing ethical violations by advising the public.

[@HomeFromFarAway]

are you a licensed troll? did your victims rightfully go no contact with you and now you're taking out your toxicity in communities that call out your bs?

[@cindyj5522]

@@HomeFromFarAway Do you know anything about ethics and licensure for mental health professionals? No? I thought not.

[@stellaislovely]

Did someone go no-contact with you?

[@cindyj5522]

@zuzufever No. There are rules regarding the practice of behavioral care and treatment. A lot of people online "practicing" as mental health professionals who aren't, practicing outside their scope of training or providing "advice" when therapists are not supposed to do this as it is an ethical violation. So I would like to know about his licens and credentials.

[@HomeFromFarAway]

... and your authority for demanding this paperwork is sooo much more plausible than mine for questioning you?​@@cindyj5522 you are twisted and appealing to logical fallacies to prop up our own ego. go troll someone else's channel

[@Sophie-ur2qb]

Thank you for this 🩷 Im trying to speak to someone in my family who is an enabler. I prepared myself for what was to come. Expected to be dismissed. Ready for all the excuses and the guilt trips. Which did happen. Understanding that they have been programmed just like i have. This is my last effort since they always say how much they care. But i dont expect them to care or even believe what i have to say. At least i can say i tried.

[@IshtarBellydancer]

I don’t think this is the case every time for everybody. Many people who love their significant other have learnt alot through their partners no contact… I for one is totally willing to regroup and work together to find NEW ways to begin a new relationship with new information, Openess and non defensive conversation, and to plan how to create together caring for each others needs and continue with individual therapy. Not everyone is the same as those who don’t change…. Please PROMOTE the people who learn from no contact. Who through the catalysts see, realize their part and begin changing …

[@Polopollo75]

My issue with this thinking, is that I tend to apply it to flirting as well. And it's depressing. Most people are super boring, I match energy with maybe 1 person out of 10 or 20. Thinking like that makes me not even bother going out... 🫤

[@cass.lark5696]

In the case of flirting, you don't know the person.

[@HomeFromFarAway]

healthy always looks boring to cptsd survivors

[@TammyFaithoverfear]

We do heal, unless we are incapable of forgiveness. If we are incapable of forgiveness we are still wounded and mentally unhealthy. Healing is about forgiveness and Building Bridges. These different labels, and cutting people out, is creating a profound impact that this person is incapable of seeing. When we are healthy we develop compassion and empathy. Be careful who you are being influenced by. There are many people out here producing these types of videos who are not healthy. Praying for you Patrick🙏💔