WATCH OUT! Don''t Fall Into The Narcissist's FINANCIAL TRAPS

ORDER MY NYT BESTSELLING BOOK 📖 "IT'S NOT YOU"
smarturl.it/not-you
JOIN MY HEALING PROGRAM
doctor-ramani.teachable.com/p...
JOIN THE DR. RAMANI NETWORK
www.drramaninetwork.com
GET INFO ABOUT MY UPCOMING PROGRAM FOR THERAPISTS
forms.gle/1RRUz41eWswjw63o6
SIGN UP FOR MY MAILING LIST
forms.gle/Bv9GNuMSR55PKTjQ6
LISTEN TO MY NEW PODCAST "NAVIGATING NARCISSISM"
Apple Podcasts: podcasts.apple.com/us/podcast...
Spotify: open.spotify.com/show/2fUMDuT...
Stitcher: www.stitcher.com/podcast/how-...
iHeart Radio: www.iheart.com/podcast/1119-n...
DISCLAIMER: THIS INFORMATION IS FOR EDUCATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY AND IS NOT INTENDED TO BE A SUBSTITUTE FOR CLINICAL CARE. PLEASE CONSULT A HEALTH CARE PROVIDER FOR GUIDANCE SPECIFIC TO YOUR CASE. THIS VIDEO DISCUSSES NARCISSISM IN GENERAL.
THE VIDEO DOES NOT REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AND SHOULD NOT BE USED TO REFER TO ANY SPECIFIC PERSON, AS HAVING NARCISSISM. PERMISSION IS NOT GRANTED TO LINK TO OR REPOST THIS VIDEO, ESPECIALLY TO SUPPORT AN ALLEGATION THAT THE MAKERS OF THIS VIDEO BELIEVE, OR SUPPORT A CLAIM, THAT A SPECIFIC PERSON IS A NARCISSIST. THAT WOULD BE AN UNAUTHORIZED MISUSE OF THE VIDEO AND THE INFORMATION FEATURED IN IT.

[@scarebears3359]

Financial abuse was one of the reasons I became homeless for a while after escaping my dad. I had to escape with very little and didn't have anywhere to go.

[@sirrantsalott]

You are brave. I wish you found sufficient resources for yourself now. All the best.

[@SuperStar-jr3nu]

Me too. Became homeless to get away from my abusive mother and sister. Some domestic violence is between non-romantically involved people.

[@Bcjsjhfurhs]

You are so brave. 👏👏👏👏👏👏❤️

[@maevebutler4641]

I am happy that you escaped , sad because you became homeless with little resources You are here now in DrRamini's community, I sincerely hope you now have a happy home & that you have a peaceful life Well done you

[@maevebutler4641]

​@@SuperStar-jr3nu hoping you are in a safe place & that you are doing well for yourself Best of luck

[@mrszavaras]

I am a family law attorney and this is spot on.

[@NewBeginnings413]

@ᴅᴏᴄᴛᴏʀ ʀᴀᴍᴀɴɪ is this a fake profile ?

[@gravityfalls784]

@@NewBeginnings413 Yes. It got reported.

[@mrszavaras]

Are you talking about my profile?

[@mrszavaras]

@@NewBeginnings413 mine?

[@NewBeginnings413]

@@mrszavaras No, not yours. That Wilson profile with the phone number originally was called Dr. Ramani and had her picture pretending to be her.

[@joyceonthego8317]

This video should be shown to high school kids to prepare them for the dangers they face once they get out in the world. I'd like to see them make informed decisions.

[@joyceonthego8317]

@ᴅᴏᴄᴛᴏʀ ʀᴀᴍᴀɴɪ How do I access your signal messenger? I'm not that computer literate.

[@anettas.1751]

👏👏👏👏

[@KK-ri2gu]

Yep yep yep 💯👍 I agree with you

[@shireenramnarain4005]

Very, very true Cos some parents r narcissist... N control their kids ...although they themselves were not controlled by their parents

[@evalynonyango8715]

😅😅

[@remnant1018]

I remember when my ex started dropping hints he wanted me to quit my job and move in with him, it felt like he was trying to find a way to lock me in the house. Weirdest feeling. I also remember my ex-husband before him trying the same. I _also_ remember my ex-husband’s cousin getting mad at me for suggesting to his wife that she get a job and her own bank account. He pulled me to the side so fast and told me not to tell his wife _anything_ about what to do in their relationship. Smh. Control. If you give up your own source of income, it’s like getting your feet broken. You can’t run away.

[@sherriflemming3218]

Definitely a coercive control tactic. Isolation. Always have your own money. Your own power. Financial independence is empowerment. Never give your power away to a man!

[@brendaplunkett8659]

Totally agree. Never give someone else power over your income or investments.

[@LJ-qs3wq]

“Getting your feet broken” … how sad a visual; that phrase is a very clear way to put forth a strong message on the seriousness of a situation when unknowingly, folks end up isolated and totally controlled while at the mercy of a narcissistic partner. Thank goodness for Dr. Ramani so generously sharing her knowledge and suggestions. 👍👏🙏

[@luvqraft6024]

⁠@@LJ-qs3wqI like to think of it as selling your body to appease insecurities..

[@sf4010]

Therapists need to speak more on narcissists controlling money through emotional manipulation when they are not the bread winner. You don't have to be the bread winner to be financially abusive.

[@rfastkats924]

My Brother did that to our Parents, he made it so they couldn't live without him and then he had full control over their finances. He bullied them, using their inabilities against themselves to have POA on both. I always remember our Father saying to me. "I don't get any of my own money (pension), maybe $20 here and there. It is not right, it is my money"

[@Ella-Bella2024]

True.

[@daniellemcaniff8819]

This is literally the story of my life. My ex Convinced me I didn’t need to work because he made significantly more money than I did. I spent every day keeping a 4500 square-foot house spotless, making sure I did everything I could possibly do to make his life easier, had every snack he could possibly want, made dinners, ironed his clothes every day, basically acted like a 1950s housewife.. I didn’t spend any money on myself, I think I bought like one pair of jeans in two years. He was abusive, his family watched him berate me and call me names for no reason, his daughter would call me names. He called me a Golddigger. He got a restraining order to get me kicked out of the house we owned together. When I asked him if he was going to proceed with this falsified restraining order, he said it depends on how this conversation goes meaning if all accept the abuse, I can come back to my home. I did not go back at that time, But I did about a year later and now we’re going through a divorce. And of course the financial abuse continues. He has a lawyer, I can’t afford one. He feels that I am owed essentially nothing, maybe 2 to 3 months of his salary. For 15 years worth of support. He literally had been homeless and jobless at one point in time and I supported him. But I’m a Golddigger😂

[@Bcjsjhfurhs]

Your story teaches us a lot. Thank you for sharing. I

[@maevebutler4641]

May the God's bless you escaping with what is rightfully yours Stay away this time & wishing you every happiness for all to work out well in your new & happy future life ahead

[@iyounghuang5433]

You are the gold. Know your worth. 👍🙏

[@daniellemcaniff8819]

@@maevebutler4641 thank you, I will stay strong this time. Silver lining- not only did he teach me what I don’t want in a man, he taught me what I do want in a man. I want the guy he pretended to be. once I’ve had some time to myself, I won’t settle for anything less.

[@purvamandlik4696]

​@@daniellemcaniff8819 I'm sure he pretended to be the ideal in the beginning. The perfect man. There is no such thing. It's better to go by a simpler requirement. Most important, don't go into a relationship by declaring your needs and boundaries. That will help the man create a persona for your sake. You don't want that. The healthy way would be to be careful to observe behaviours, language, reputation, while you date. If you encounter any red flags, take note. Observe how he takes to life for at least 1-2 years. Make sure your needs are being met. Not by him tolerating you, but by cherishing your quirks. Look out for signs of disrespect, lack of care, selfishness. Make note of such incidents. Measure actions against words. Finally, it's better to let go of one or two good matches with a few red flags, before finding someone who really deserves you. All this because, everyone grows in different directions in a few years. The good ones will grow and accomodate your growth too.

[@cherylhillskemper7564]

I thought I was smart to just get out with my sanity 28 years ago after my 20-year marriage. I had my own house before I met him that I bought myself, but in order to be "the good wife" I had to give it all to him. I was in my 20s and I just wanted the marriage to work. I kept telling myself it was a partnership and all young couples struggle. I literally spent 20 years penniless & getting creative about ways to earn just a few bucks so I could buy necessities for the children, yet the narc, would spend thousands on exclusive hunting trips, fishing trips, all terrain vehicles and guns. I have no idea where he hid the money. I was not allowed to know how much he earned, although before we got married, I made more than him. I often think how differently my life could have been & how I could have followed my dreams of becoming a veterinarian if I was not lied to and seduced by the narcissist. He never paid court ordered child support, spousal support, QDRO, medical & dental insurance for the kids. The house was lost to foreclosure because when it sold he would not sign the paperwork. I lived in a garage for $200 a month with my kids for 9 months while I saved up for an apartment that cost me $900/month when my take home pay was $1200/month. My mom co signed my lease for me & helped with food, dental bills, & school necessities. I remember not being able to afford any of the kids school pictures. The narc went on disability for "carpal tunnel" the day after the court ordered he pay support, in order to get his amount reduced. He tried to get full custody so that I would owe him support. Then while he was off on disability with "carpal tunnel" he was up on a two story roof while building a garage for his new $100,000 motorhome, on the acreage behind the new house that he bought in the new supply's name. He fell off the roof and broke his hip, his back, high thigh, a couple ribs.......so then he was really disabled. Then he said that I owed him support. All I wanted to do was go back to work & provide for my children a stable environment. The ex fought it tooth & nail because he seemed to have unlimited funds for attorneys, even though he was telling the judge that I took all his money. The case was drawn out for 3 years because of last minute continuances. I kept getting fired from jobs because I was told I was always in court and not at work. The narc violated every single court order. I had three cars that got totalled from "people" running into them before his accident. Ironically, after his accident a lot of car & other forms of sabotage stopped. Now I'm 71. I am proud that I provided for my 3 sons and I am very proud of who all 3 of them have become. I rent a small bedroom in a home with 3 other women. I have no assets except a 14 year old car. Even though I worked my ass off, I only have social security. I'm tired, but I still have goals. I just want my own little place so I am working a side hustle in that direction. I would not trade my sons for the world, but I can look back and see how truly awful narcissistic abuse is and how poorly informed the courts are. God bless everyone & thank you for these videos Dr. Ramani. You are providing such a needed service.

[@anneliese2773]

Thank you for your story. It's very encouraging that you love your sons and still keep your head up!

[@tijeraslack3]

Thank you for sharing your story! I believe all of it and have dealt with financial abuse becuase I have my degrees and the men intimate relationships I were in acted like they wanted an amazing relationship that requires building.

[@renatajd7758]

It drives me crazy when people say kids didn't have a father figure. Those damn fathers.

[@kimkayoda7454]

Exactly what happened to me, but I was 53 years old, thinking I had a chance at enjoying my later years with someone; now sixteen years later, he has taken ALL I earned, owned, my whole work life. I had to give him everything because he also manipulated me into a trust that unknown to me, gave him half of my mother's property, in order to save my mother''s property I had to give him all I had. I am 69 now and starting over now living on only social security, I had to give him everything I worked for and earned because according to the financial assessment I was worth $850 dollars, give or take a buck, yes $850 dollars more than he, because he lied about asset worth, I even lost the household furnishing, all that I bought or contributed to, I also lost all my personal belongings in storage because I did not have access to it, this includes all my family memorabilia, treasures, etc. Yes, he spent thousands of dollars of which was half mine when I had to worry about buying toilet paper. He is the cheapest, stingiest, individual I have ever met except when it came to him.

[@ri-oj1ul]

@@kimkayoda7454 heartbreaking to read these stories, but also makes me quite glad that I put an end to these kinds of men being a part of my life by 30. I hope everything works out well for both of you ladies ❤

[@lifewithtea2938]

You are describing my narcissistic family. I don’t care to inherit anything from them because I consider who they are to be demons and what they have to be wicked and I don’t want such evil

[@cassiebotty8290]

You’re 100% right that they have demons if they’re acting with narcissism. If you have to ever communicate in the future, remember what you’re talking to, and that will help you.

[@aynilaa]

Inheritance feels weird to me too. They are so toxic and I don't want money from people like them. On the other hand, it's for all the pain they caused me.

[@lindagithaiga1974]

@@aynilaa me too, I would rather look for my own wealth

[@ll5974]

Once they are dead, they have no idea what you do. They are dead. Take the money and create happiness to spite them by using it well! Money, itself is not personal, it is just numbers. The money only has the power we give it.

[@ginasverige2570]

❤💞 I am with you on this one. Mental health, peace of mind comes first.

[@muhlaynee]

I haven’t commented on this channel for a while but this video reminds me that the work Dr.Ramani is doing is so important. It’s helps me forgive myself for things I couldn’t understand while I was in a long term narcissistic abusive relationship. Thank you ❤

[@rachaelpaton8990]

My mother has berated me all my life as a single parent about being bad with money. I recently went to a financial counsellor and was told I have done amazingly well and am not frivolous at all... Just another bar she set for me that I believed when it wasn't right. I had such blind faith in my narc mother... it's astounding how she made me hate myself. :(

[@ashleeskhan4075]

Hugs.

[@ginasverige2570]

I am so sorry that your own mother did this to you. How people that are suppose to protect and build us up destroy instead. Glad you went and seek someone else's expert opinion. So you can begin to have a healthy self-esteem.

[@SitavNabi]

This

[@dianeshoemaker6591]

I have same experiences

[@stfd4599]

Im with you in this

[@aynilaa]

That's my family right there. They believe they can treat you badly for years and you just endure it because they give you money. This will eventually be used against you anyway. Even as an adult they don't want me to work, so I'd forever be dependent on them.

[@marinaSassygUrl88]

Me too. Tell me why he gets angry when I mention I want to work, gave multiple excuses that some of them are fking ridiculous, like how working at a “low job” makes him look bad, by low job he means a waitress or anything like that. He made it all about how he’s trying to protect me and he knows how dangerous our society is, on the one hand yes, there wouldn’t be much protection if anything were to happen to me, our justice system is beyond fucked up as I live in Middle East (third world country). But it’s not like he’s such a savior 😂 he will just end up blaming me if I were to be in a bad situation. He’s never been a great support anyway. So now I feel stuck, with very little to begin with and wondering how to get a job “secretly”. I want to finish my education too, so I don’t want to lose that.

[@moonlightstargem1006]

This is happening to me right now. Financial abuse. Lawyers don’t care either neither do police. I’m really trapped right now. He really trapped me. He doesn’t want me to get a job or be in college or anything. I’m financially dependent & they make sure my movements are limited

[@cindy7733]

OMG! I feel your pain. My family has been doing this to me for ages. I"ve been trying desperately to get out.

[@Kimberly-mb7pk]

My soon to be ex was notorious for this. He’d yell at me for how much groceries cost. I didn’t go to lunches w/ friends b/c I knew he’d complain & I didn’t want to hear it. When he’d give me something (bread crumbs truly) he expected undying gratitude. When I said I wanted something he’d tell me “you don’t want or need that “. So when I finally got to the point of not saying I wanted something, he started pointing out things he knew I’d like & it would aggravate him that I showed little emotion & would respond “I don’t want that” which became a truth because I didn’t want anything from him. When I was injured he told me “if you were one of my horses, I would’ve put you down a long time ago”. I didn’t go to Dr.’s many times when I should have as I didn’t want to listen to him yell about the bill. He knew I needed surgery on one of my feet. I went 8 years before having it & only did because my son had a concussion & that covered the deductible so he wouldn’t have to pay. I laid the law down w/ the kids & he dare not go against me on them, so they were well taken care of. I needed teeth work like needed & the Dentist told him in the office visit I made him go to. He told me I would have to use my inheritance from my grandparents which I did. On our 10 year Anniversary (we only celebrated 2 b/c he made them so bad I didn’t want to acknowledge that day at all) I wanted this $10 scarf. In front of people in the store he said “you better wear that fucking scarf every day.” Oh we bought it. I took off my wedding bands & threw them at him & never put them on again. Ialsonever wore that scarf. We will be divorced in less than a month from now. The divorce is kicking my ass lawyer bill wise. While he is being allowed to use OUR HELOC, I was not granted that & just recently had to acquire a personal loan w/ a much higher percentage. He’s going after my inheritance after I told lawyer I would not touch what he inherited from his grandparents as morally I don’t feel it’s right. Idk how the final divorce will turn out. It’s in God’s hands now. We were married 22 years, together 27. Freedom definitely has its price. But I got my children raised & they are thriving. I found a good job & yeah I’m starting over at 52. But it will be nice to finally be rid of him. His friends warned me. I should’ve listened. But having grown up in a very similar situation it was normal until 1 day I woke up & realized it’s not. I refuse to ever be around toxic again as it made me toxic & it was a battle w/ myself to get out & I refuse to go bk to that environment ever again. If I had listened to my intuition, I would’ve left 27 years ago . 🙌🏼

[@gabrielaproske3429]

Dear Kimberly, I'm 55 now. I divorced at 40 after 14 years of marriage and with 2 girls under 15 years of age. The best part of him not wanting to pay childsupport regularly, is that it made us 3 a team. We decided together how and where to spend the money that was in my account every month. I remarried 8 years ago. By leaving that experience, I learned the lesson to always have an income and to have a savings account only for me. Today I know I am worthy, smart and special. Go for IT, because you are also special, worthy and intelligent. Best regards Gabriela

[@Shontise_Shonie]

WWWWHHHHEEEEWWWWW

[@waa8273]

I am so sorry. This was such a rough road. Sending you love. You are free now. ❤

[@jeffdobbins1346]

Dr. Ramini, last year I was bedridden by Pancreatitis and diabetic neuropathy, I had to go on Food stamps and ask my stepsister for help as she was in financial control of my mother's finance. I felt I was near death and could not walk. My stepsister's attitude was to control and abuse me verbally. When I took up for myself, she of course threatened to cut me off and demanded apologies for my disagreeing with her. This is when I began watching your videos on Narcissism and took notes. My mother passed away on 11-11-2022 and at that time I instituted no contact with my stepsister and my health and happiness has blossomed. "When you cut out the wrong people in your life, The right things begin to happen" -Buddha I thank you for all your help!

[@SusanRayZen]

I was trapped by my father for 50 years with financial abuse. I was a single mother because I never trusted men having a Narc father. He was so evil and so was his wife. I am now No Contact and feeling much better and peaceful.

[@goodenoughgirl8102]

I can relate. I also got sucked into the toxic fam business.

[@shireenramnarain4005]

I feel for u But what i say is u r not married to them... Sooo u must have a free will to leave the nest n explore ur life It will make u stronger

[@moonlightstargem1006]

My father is a narcissist too

[@lilymanning2]

Husband does this alot. I don't react any more. Not bothered about his money when he offers me some crumbs. Everything this amazing lady has talked about is spot on. It's so sad. Subjected to so much trauma. When my children were small, he would rage when i bought them essentials to the point I would hide things and as my children grew they would question why they couldn't have clothes sometimes. Now they are older, guess what..... yep, he buys them designer clothes, they go to the city and he spends hundreds on them. Who looks great. Who looks not so great.

[@aliceroberts1980]

Same here. I just have to tell my daughter when I buy her new clothes that she needed now don’t show dad because he’s going to bitch so she’d have to hide what I bought her that she was so excited no girls like new dresses and stuff she don’t want to show what she did show him he say something nasty and the later bitch me about it

[@gondabarnes7478]

I’m so happy 😁 I’m going for the best in life and it’s a blessing and I know it’s gonna take me years and months for it but it’s a privilege I can’t stop 🛑 smiling ☺️ it’s the most important day for my family I hope our kids will overcome the ooooooo

[@susano7587]

Sounds EXACTLY like my ex, that phony son of a b*#ch!!!

[@yvonnerichard2936]

Same here 😭😭😭

[@victoryamartin9773]

That was me growing up. My mom would buy me school clothes once a year and tell me I couldn't tell my dad or she would be in trouble...

[@waterdragon5780]

I found myself getting more upset as this revealing video continued to describe my ex partner...anyway I'm glad it's an ex, but still, how revealing! Thank you for sharing!

[@ATeitter]

me too for my exes, as well as every other narcissist I've ever cohabitated with. It's strange because my father, although highly narcissistic, compulsively hands out money to his own detriment. When you take it apart, its abusive with guilt-strings attached to foster co-dependency. In his mind, he is showing his version of "love" , which I find sad, but I never expect men to be so grossly miserly after growing up with a man who yells at you and forces money on you to alleviate his own anxiety every time you see him.

[@katrynlord6516]

Absolutely agree with you! I was going to ask her if she was a neighbor that watched this going on at my house! So much abuse in many ways. I am out of it now and recovering . God has blessed me.

[@Silverstreak23]

Thank you for this video. My narc father was so secretive with his will and ended up alienating most of his kids because he was keeping secrets and lying repeatedly without remorse. He just sent me 200 dollars for Christmas and I’ve just mailed it back to him. 😂

[@Silverstreak23]

For him, it’s about control. Taking his money would make him think he could control me like he’s tried to with money my whole life. So, I sent it back with a smile. :)

[@Silverstreak23]

Makes sense! I’ve been nc with my father since the will news broke…then bam 8 months later comes 200 bucks 🤦🏻‍♀️ I’m done with that madness.

[@aliceroberts1980]

😂❤

[@bunnychan5121]

Good on you not taking the money!!!! My dad kept raising the amount every year, last year being in the multiple thousands. Don’t ever take it. If you take the money, your actions will play into their story that they’re creating about you to everyone around them and to all the people around you. Taking the money will always work into something that they are orchestrating.

[@Silverstreak23]

Thank you. ❤ I know he’s orchestrating something and I want no part of that madness! I’m sorry you have a father like this too.

[@Laura-ud6dv]

My mom was doing this since I was 16 until i became financially independent. I finally broke free as her demands grew to insane levels and cut her off. I heard she disowned me. I dont really care. All i care about is peace of mind ive had ever since i cut her off.

[@michelleplaskoff9920]

It all did become about coercive control...I will never lose my financial independence again....thank you for all you do Dr Ramani ...your videos have helped me heal immensely 🙏💙

[@r0sii3p3r3z]

I fell for the trap and now im still trying to get my money back that i let my ex boyfriend borrow…they are sneaky manipulative people!

[@Flutterby411]

This is the dominant form of abuse that runs through my family and my ex family. Mother, father, ex husband and his mother, sister and now one of my adult children. They only happy if I'm down and of I ever become homeless it will be their "told you she wasn't going to amount to anything in life" moment. Going no contact was the only way out.

[@julianatorrez5146]

This happened to me. I was a severely neglected child but i wanted a big family and husband. My narc encouraged me to move in with him because i was always there anyways, then quit my full time job because i was going to nursing school at night and always exhausted. I got pregnant and when i was in my 6th month, he became different person. I was trapped and I knew no one would hire me 6 mo. pregnant. All i could do was wait till my baby was 9 months old so i can flee with only $0.21 in my pocket. The abuse was horrible, but it never stopped after i left. He ruined my life with his lies and deception. I never had other children or a husband, the ongoing trauma was too much for men to deal with me.

[@eteldias5176]

wow

[@esthermangula4731]

Really sorry to hear that. Sending love and hugs dear. Maybe seek therapy to help you move on.

[@AurielArts]

Finally! This topic seems missed frequently when discussing these narcissistic dynamics. Odd, seeing as how many know they are abused and actually want to leave- but they physically can’t without being homeless or suicidal because of lack of finances. What is worse is if you are disabled and working on getting assistance- which is a toss up. From family, lover, boss, or friend… they can all keep you stuck not only by being the provider, but also dictator of your time and attention with such great consequences that border on threats, (my house, my rules- don’t like it ? Leave.) It is easier to appease them on the surface and find any way out when you can.

[@missednoahsarc2654]

I became homeless because of this sort of relationship. Word by word this happened to me. I am now much more stable almost 2 years out but I'm not going to lie and say it was easy. I almost died a few times because of my illness. I'm listening to this right now because of my own willpower and inner strength. Looking back it was the best decision I ever made. Wish I had done it sooner. All that self doubt... mostly gone because I survived and I left him. I have the best relationships I've ever had because i found people who really love me. That other stuff that's not love. It just isnt.

[@victoryamartin9773]

Thanks for sharing how you got thru it and are better on the other side. "Experience, strength, and hope" is the 12 Step phrase. I will take that hope, because I am entering the coercion phase of financial abuse by a homeless elderly couple who convinced me to let them move into my house, gaslighting me into believing God would reward me for taking care of them. Now they are taking control of the house and screaming at me for anything I do that they don't like. I've asked them to leave, but they tell me they have no where to go and no way to get there, so to get them out may cost me all I have. I am not looking forward to their rape of my limited resources while they brag that they are here to bless me. I may end up penniless and homeless like them, though I doubt they are penniless, since they spend $1000s on supplies they have no room for, and they try to shame me into upgrading my property to make it more comfortable for them while I already pay for all their utilities and rent. I just look forward to the day they are gone so I can pick up the pieces. At this point, I don't have the strength to pick anything up. All this to avoid dying alone and lonely.

[@missednoahsarc2654]

@@victoryamartin9773 get them out call the police and do not take ownership of their struggle. Their problem is their problem. Do not let people guilt you into carrying their load. And to use God! How dare they. If you read the Bible which I have many times God got rid of most of "His" people because they were rude complaining people who didn't carry their own weight. To save myself from a pentecostal abuser I read the Bible 4 times in a year. The God they speak of is not the true God.

[@MegaMolly68]

I received $0 spousal support after a 23 year marriage because I have a college degree. My ex and I had agreed that I would give birth to and raise the children while he started an architectural business. When the children reached school age I was to enter the business as a designer ( I have a design and an architectural degree). He never completed his architectural license and he never opened a business. On top of that we moved out of the city area to the country where there were far less employment opportunities, especially in my field. It would have cost more money to have the children babysat than I would have made (taking into consideration the cots of doing business). So, I worked outside my field for not a lot of money. He cheated, divorced me, gave my $19/week in child support pretending to be unemployed. I had to pay $20,000 to pay off his pretend bankruptcy so I could keep the house I had bought in the first place, no help from him. I went into a new line of business, am doing well. The worst part of this story is that my divorce is being used as case law to deny spousal support to other women who have college degrees and gave up their careers to raise children. Meanwhile, he is now divorced from the woman he left us for. I guess she didn't give him enough money either.

[@teecee1678]

In what state did you get your divorce in? It's unfathomable how different the outcome of similar circumstances can be due to the state one lives in and the judge one gets, especially when it has to do with the well-being of children.

[@MegaMolly68]

@@teecee1678 NY

[@NF40375]

I’m truly sorry this happened to you and I’m pleased to hear you’re better now. Take it as a lesson learned and how your case will help others in the future including your comment here. Take care of yourselves, set up your concrete foundation and protect all your assets ladies first and foremost. Make sure legally your assets can’t be touched by a soul. Then if and when you decide to partner up and bare children…..chose selectively and wisely with background checks, extensive research into their history, family, career, income, mental illness and any red flags/narcissism

[@HealingHappyAli]

Thank you for sharing your story. I'd sure like to expose how much money the family court system financially benefits from divorces, custody issues, and exes fighting. Judges are revenue generators, they benefit from unclear or unenforceable orders so Exes keep fighting and come back. It's got to get exposed.

[@MegaMolly68]

In addition, my ex had a friend acting as his lawyer (he didn't pay him). The first court date his lawyer greeted the judge and asked how she was. She said it was good to see him again. They were friendly. He dragged me to court every month for about 15 months, including 4 times for custody two of which times he didn't show up and the judge asked me where he was. It's more ugly than this, but the end result is wonderful. I am FREE of him and have had some of the best times of my life since he is gone.

[@melodieboshi7754]

Soul destroying. You have to dig deep to get through. It never goes away , even when you have left them 😢

[@SlumberBear2k]

this exactly defines my past relationship with my father.

[@kristinmeyer489]

Me too.

[@aynilaa]

Same here!

[@lindagithaiga1974]

December do we have the same father 🤔

[@ALTJ1986]

yup she's describing mine to a t

[@SydneySoulchild]

my dad ARRGGHH this is reminding me of how i'm 21 and have never had a job or license because i struggled so badly with chronic pain/mental illness/trauma and now im trying to leave the gilded cage and am having to deal with sabotage and man the hell goes on and on. chronic pain + narcissism + financial abuse is a nasty nasty combination

[@Liminal_Galaxie]

Dr Ramani, you are truly an amazing woman, and a wonderful doctor who cares about the welfare of abuse victims. I think that your work is absolutely foundational to the new understanding of narcissism not only in the family or relationship dynamic, but also as a phenomenon of society at large. Your groundbreaking work has a far-reaching influence and I hope this trend will continue. I'm very grateful, and very inspired by your strength, compassion and intellect!

[@tiffcat1100]

My father (working in a well paid although v stressful job abroad) made sure that when his family were together at home for holidays (from very inexpensive boarding schools) we had not a penny spare to enjoy ourselves, pay the bills, buy food. My mother would wait every day for the post for him to have sent a cheque, and lived on tenterhooks. When we needed stuff like new shoes, shampoo, writing paper, stamps, whatever, to go back to school for new term or year, we had to go through a great lecture from him in which we were reduced to rubble every time. At least I was. Any time anyone calls me in to ‘have a word’ I fold like an accordion. And cry. And I’m 65! My mother had to get various little part time jobs as a secretary which she always loved plus she was a great secretary. It was the only way she could buy us little treats or pick clothes from a catalogue (in the pre-abroad days). My father always had all the cars he wanted. My mother had to account for every single penny that was spent. I would save any gifts or treats, wrap them up and take them to boarding school so it would look as though I also got lots of birthday presents like the other girls. My mother took her first part-time secretarial job since marriage because my father wouldn’t let her get a ball gown/evening gown for HIS mess/work dos/balls/dinners etc. Whilst at boarding school I occasionally stole things I wanted or needed or for presents to give at Christmas and I learned to cheat with my pocket money accounts (obviously I too had to account for every penny) so that I could buy comfort food or just the basics needed. It was obligatory to have pocket money at school (every Saturday) otherwise there wouldn’t have been any. I was given the absolute minimum possible then expected to save half of it! When we were very much younger we would get a little coin (an old fashioned thruppence (3d) to put in a lime marmalade jar but only for washing up. We were made to feel so guilty for needing basic things.

[@Cooperfan54]

My ex narcissist had a higher paying job in management. I was working more middle to lower income jobs. Still contributing. There was a period where I was out of work. I heard numerous times how he would take care of me and not to worry about it. But then down the road when we were financially short, he would bring up that my job was below his and he was having to pay for everything. It was such a painful thing to go through. One day he wanted to take care of me. The next I was worthless and didn’t help the household whatsoever.

[@ginasverige2570]

Same exact story and uglier here.

[@roisingalvin5776]

Red flags were in my face, three kids, no option not to work, no finishing school to improve my situation in a foreign country, financial abuse, financial loans pushed on me, isolated from fa family, accusations, punished in front of my kids…familiar yes…I’m sick to my stomach that I have been so lowered… and after 20 years I still can’t find a way out

[@mrszavaras]

You can do it. You totally can do it. You have believed a lie. Change your thinking until you believe and boom, you will find the way. You got this.

[@MarcinWojtczuk]

Slowly build a plan of going out, maybe you need to learn the local language? There is always a way out, you are not imprisoned. If you can't afford a lawyer, find support on facebook groups for narcissistic abuse victims. There are people there who maanaged, you can too. It is your life, only one you got, you owe it to yourselve to be happy, free and smiling.

[@iyounghuang5433]

Wow! I see,,,, After 20 years..., I see you are very strong 👍. But, Your strength was at endurance, just swift it to explore, expand, and explode. Your children are grown. It's time to think for yourself, focus on you, what do you love ❤️🌻🌿 be the one you want to be. Maybe be the child and the mom you always wanted. One thing for sure, The most important thing for live is there, available free and enough to you and all of us, so is others things. What is the most important thing for live : air, oxygen! 😀🤩 (Passionate face) Nb : service in happy. It gives you strength/power.

[@schroongarden]

God. Bless you

[@ShoJ369]

I feel every relationship I have been in ( 3 ) I have been financially abused. Except I paid for everything, apart from once when I was being love bombed, but it didn't last too long. The biggest abuser was a covert, He would literally cry over money so I'd fix his car, pay his mortgage etc, When I got strong enough to get rid of him. I was broke, so I am and will remain single. I'm obviously not a god judge of character.

[@purplelavender7416]

The day I went back to pick up my belongings (after calling the police) he said to me "biggest mistake was you going back to work" I was shocked, he kept saying he was really tying to change but that right there was an affirmation that he will never change, at least not for our relationship.

[@tijeraslack3]

That’s sad when someone does not want you to go back to work.

[@purplelavender7416]

@Tijera Slack no, it's not sad, I like to work but as many abusers do they like to have financial control, without financial support I wouldn't have been able to hire an attorney and get out as safely as I did.

[@ginasverige2570]

He will not change for your relationship or any. Yes, my narc husband said we had the best years ahead of us (future faking I see now) after me forgiving his rages, emotional, psychological, verbal and violent behavior to show another aspect of himself a twisted sick mentality of "now I won't work on my profession and I am trying these new businesses and you have to support me now."

[@Godisgreat-777]

I know my mom kept me under her thumb by controlling me with money. I’ve had no contact for 4 1/2 years. It was horrible at first but I can see clearly now how horribly manipulative she was.

[@LotuzFlowaBomb]

This has been my problem. I've been in and out of homeless since a teen. I do fine for myself now, after having decided not to accept assistance from family (edit: or anyone else really) for the post two years. The smear campaign has been alive and well ever since. This is a hard one to explain to people because it seems like a good deed, but it comes with abuse and control that's hidden. It's no good in the end.

[@LotuzFlowaBomb]

Ofc assistance comes in ways that are not financial, however narcissist know nothing about that. You shouldn't feel dehumanized after receiving help or assistance from anyone.

[@kimberlyrivera5103]

I know this well. The rumor mills they created are detrimental. Never accept money for such people.

[@tiffcat1100]

Yes, ‘strings attached’ doesn’t come near!

[@barbaravath4888]

This is literally the story of my life for 14 years , I couldn't believe that you were describing my ex exactly it is mind blowing. I'm still poor and he's even richer than ever, but I'm extremely happy just being alone and out of that long toxic relationship, I just wish my family and friends could see him for the true narcissist he is but unfortunately they don't and still have contact with him even though we haven't spoken in 2 years, silent treatment that just continued into no communication at all but still contacts my family and friends which really makes me angry and sad that their loyalty lies with him !

[@shireenramnarain4005]

Money n attention is vital to them If u r poor ,an introvert ,they manipulate n control u n degrade u

[@PanelsWainio]

You know they only show the mask to others. Remember we thought they were awesome once too; he'll burn through any temporary loyalty.

[@rahkeembattiste5854]

I am going through this this is real

[@aynilaa]

My parents raised me to believe that money is the most important thing in the world. I slowly figured out that this is bs and now work in the social field, which is mind-boggling to them.

[@leilanij2567]

Thanks for validating my experiences. Homemaker here and feel too inadequate to be provider so I stay.

[@hogohogoh]

This is 100% accurate. I've been dealing with my narcissistic mother my whole life. Now she's ill, I have to deal with my 2 narcissistic brothers. Wish me luck!

[@sweetpea17]

In my ex husband and just recent ex relationship they both insisted that most everything was in my name. Both would suggest expensive things and my debt would go up. I realize now that by getting me in debt or keeping me in debt kept me in line and unable to leave. Even after I left this last relationship and had my utilities transfered I was paying my exes utilities for 3 months because he would not get his own. Utility companies were just charging me. His excuse was he was to stressed, didn't know blah blah. I had to force him to attend this and pay me back. I was the cash cow but did not benefit from my income.

[@markprothero2666]

I hope you don't mind me asking... but why did you agree to this in the first place? And did you not have anyone else in your life who you would talk about these things with, who might have told you that this is a really bad a idea? I'm interested in what the details are of how people get 'sucked' into these arrangements, and how/why they often overlook the blazing red flags. I live in the UK. It may be different in other countries, but in the UK if you move out of a property and can prove it (by registering another address for other services like banking, etc.), then nobody has a right to charge you any bills for it. There are circumstances that complicate that, but generally it is pretty simple. If a utility company is threatening you, but you don't live there, don't own the place, don't owe outstanding rent either, or the place not under joint ownership... then their lawyers are most likely wasting their time. I would like to think that people have other friends/family whom they can rely on for advice like this in these situations. I also ask, because I've heard your specific kind of story several times by now. Where all bills & expenses are put through you. I've heard worse, where some partners where unknowingly even dragged into money laundering and tax evasion this way. *Very* difficult to wriggle out of that one. This is a common pattern apparently.

[@renneamosorner5660]

Thank you!!!! 21 years of marriage and now that my children are grown am I going through a divorce! The entire marriage was abusive and utterly horrible for my family! Once again, you’re word for word validating the painful truth about my life!

[@shireenramnarain4005]

Sooo good of u to make a good choice

[@Rickettsia505]

Your life will be so much better now.

[@arualsan3504]

After 22 years, and going through a divorce. And every word she speaks is the exact example of my husband..

[@bridgettetraveler658]

I remember as a child I thought my fam was dirt poor! My parents both had money, but let their children think they were poor so they didn't have to give us anything. Being the youngest in the fam I wore a lot of handed down clothes. I didn't mind, because I was glad to have clothes. I learned how to survive being poor. Today I'm financially ok. I've had men to look at me as a sugar momma! I'm quick to chase those lowlifes away! Ppl call me cheap, but my finances look better than theirs. I have no problem helping others who are less fortunate. Since I lived almost like the immigrants who come without a passport to this country!!!

[@EMichaelBall]

I’m not sure that they intentionally appeared poor “so they didn't have to give us anything”. They may have wanted to build character in their kids, and teach them the value of a dollar, which declines each day. Many children of rich people grow up pampered and spoiled, given many material possessions as kids, and through lack of hardship, they become rude or bratty people as adults, many of whom don’t know how to properly budget and ultimately blow the fortunes they inherit. It seems like you are a responsible spender, and that’s a good thing. What would have happened if you were raised the way you wanted?

[@bridgettetraveler658]

@@EMichaelBall my parents were cruel & very hateful. It wasn't just money! My daddy was a minister, but there was no JESUS in our home. I thank GOD in my twenties I found a church that taught me how to read the bible for myself. GOD taught me how to love myself & others! It's hard to love if u never give. I grow a garden every spring & give veggies to my neighbors & whoever. JESUS gave his life for us & we should love our neighbors as the Bible says!!!

[@mgb7140]

This is so awfully true!

[@angelabachert7738]

Lol!! They're so ridiculous. Mine boasted and bragged that he would take care of everything cuz that's what a man does. Big mistake, it was the worst form of psychological abuse I endured. Everybody is just a transaction in their eyes. Complete b.s.

[@lunebnny]

My father was very much this way but instead, it was my mother's money. He convinced her that despite making nearly double his salary as a nurse, she wasn't responsible, or smart enough to even handle the books , make any financial decisions, or spend even on little things. I remember having to hide things in my school bag that we bought and in my room until my dad left the house so that he wouldn't scream at and belittle her for spending her own money. Eventually, because my mother was too ill, and had injuries which meant she couldn't work as a nurse, he convinced her to work in a different state, just to keep earning money. Then, he moved in his mistress to the house my mum was paying the majority of. He announced his "relationship" on Facebook To all her and his family while my mum was in a different state working because he told her she was worthless if she couldn't work. You can bet he made her sell the house in the divorce and fought every step of the way while he moved to California, got a high paying job to live with his mistress who is also now too ill too work(he used this fact to try and get out of paying anything). My mother is now on government support and barely making it by because she is still ill and injured. Narcissists are just awful people and the things he did are evil.

[@genh5300]

My situation was a bit more twisted than this. My ex decided to "retire" early without proper savings. Despite having a great education, he spent a copious amounts of time finding a part time job that didn't pay much so he wouldn't have to pay taxes on the amount....and if course he didn't have money for helping with the utilities, food etc after a while and then didn't supposedly have time to help with our son, the dog, meal prep, cleaning etc....He had time to watch videos all day and drink though. Thank God I have always made my own money. Never become beholden to someone like this. They will suck the life out of you...

[@lindalatina33]

I know how that feels

[@romute1123]

Same here, thanks god I got away just with not too big loss

[@gabbym9217]

omg @ the 14:10 mark! LITERALLY my life with my last situation 🧐 Becoming dependent on someone who punishes you for them having to be the provider... WHEW!

[@SusanRayZen]

Interesting question you asked Dr. Ramani about why narcs get married? It’s because they can’t be alone. It does not matter who they marry they just don’t want to be alone

[@jaclyn4808]

Indeed.

[@susanwagner9443]

You are literally talking about my life. I always thought I was a failure, but somehow I’m doing so much better without him.

[@LisaPFrampton]

You described my relationship to a T. And it's gotten worse in waves over the nearly two decades we've been married. He even has the audacity to get angry with me for not believing everything he tells me. And get this! It does not matter if I find out about his lies and sneaking around and hiding money and spending, he gets mad when I call him out on that, but what makes him the most angry is that I just don't believe him and take his word for it and never question it, even when I'm right and when I catch it.

[@maevebutler4641]

Practice DrRamini's deep technique "Don't defend Don't engage Don't explain & Don't personalise" It's not about you It's all about himself!

[@hannahkinnear7701]

Not worth the drama. Life's short. 20yrs with someone that lies?

[@techworld6879]

Im the son of 93 year old Narcissist who ran out of road on his lies last year. Family cottage sold to brothers, put in secret trust after i poured hundreds of thousands into the family. When discovered, they disappeared. If it isn't in writing run for your life and cut your losses

[@Bcjsjhfurhs]

They never die

[@TR-nv3if]

Yes.. my spouse has seemed 100% on board with us making a will together.. but after a year I realize he keeps procrastinating and argues about the will and won’t sign it or make appointment to sign it. Now I’m thinking he’s just gaslighting me and making me think he wants a will but secretly he and is playing me. I’m at the point now.. I don’t trust him. I’m tired of messing with him as he’s lied for last 30 yrs so much already about his income etc. but of course I’ve been 100% transparent with him on everything plus I shared my inheritance and salary with him. It’s a ne way street, they are so greedy and vindictive and secretive about their money..

[@techworld6879]

@@Bcjsjhfurhs of course they don’t die they have zero conscious everything is deflected. No past and no futures just lying their asses off day by day

[@Bcjsjhfurhs]

My father is exactly like that. I wonder how these people are so much alike. He lies all the time, steals, back bites, blames, belittles, super stingy, manipulates, controls, smears, ...yet he wants everyone to know him as the most trustworthy person and hates anyone who reminds him who he really is. Most important of all he gets worse with time.

[@Bcjsjhfurhs]

@@techworld6879 Thank you for sharing your story. Unfortunately it is a sad and painful story like mine . 😔 My father is a covert, my mother is a malignant narcissist. .... My eldest sister is a flying monkey. My father took all his children's life savings and bought lots of properties with our money. He never gives anything back after 11 years. Finally WE understood THAT HE BOUGHT ALL THESE properties for himself not for us. He says you can only get your rights after İ die. My mum says İ will donate everything. İt is not a.joke.

[@debcal65dac]

This video described my 5 year relationship to a T. The money, the manipulation, isolation, stopped working to avoid paying his child support and on and on. Dr. Ramani, you help soooo many understand that we were manipulated in the worst way! Thank you for educating us about what devastating relationships look like!

[@solotraveller11]

Thanks Dr Ramani for describing the financial abuser in relationships who previously would have been labelled as just being stingy. You're absolutely right in describing these relationships as dangerous and can result in the victims losing everything and ending up suicidal and homeless. This happened to me 20 years ago when I gave my power away. I still struggle today with narcissists and not knowing how to answer them when they ask too many personal questions. It's a constant daily battle to remind myself about maintaining boundaries.

[@tijeraslack3]

Just keep watching her videos. You will know how to answer.

[@Julie-bj9jn]

Thank you for this video. My history of knowing NPD's includes long and detailed recollections of how they beg for help from a person who is unaware of their actual financial situation. Financial abuse is a part of their strategy. My crazy 'rents once called their parents and siblings- crying and begging for help making house payments. The truth was that they wanted to buy a second airplane. My grandmother called me- for the first and only time ever- and told me; "Your mother just called me, and was crying that they couldn't make house payments. Is everything alright with your parents?" My response was; "Grandma, they own two boats, five snowmobiles, a motorcycle, and an airplane. If they can't afford their house payments, they should sell those." Easy rule- anyone who calls me, begging for help- and has not established trust, and/or I don't have any background knowledge- I avoid the con. Maybe I get the cry/begs because I'm a woman? Not sure, but I keep a list handy of shelters; food banks; and local charities for strangers in need. Family first and foremost.

[@katie195]

women are soft touches. Toughen up ladies.

[@kathryngracey7993]

My N. husband over spends on: gasoline entertainment, eating out, picking up the tab, buying and hoarding stuff, loaning money and likely not getting paid back, giving money to win [buy] friends and influence ( control) people. He verbally assaults me because I am refuse to use my inheritance and savings to pay his ever increasing credit card balance and interest charges. He has money stashed away yet lies to others, about many things, plus says he has no money to use to visit his family in another country. I would be glad to buy him a one way ticket if that would guarantee that he never returns.

[@SatanenPerkele]

My grandpa (which I was never too fond of) fits the description of having money as a form of control over my grandma. After his passing we discovered he had lots of money hidden away in various banks. He never allowed my grandma to buy a new bed for her aching body (she was stuck with the same crappy, worn out bed for 50 + years) while she had cancer. She even used to give me and my brother a little bit if money in secret. And told us to not show or tell grandpa about it. I never thought about this being super weird, but now I know better. And I don't feel ashamed I wasn't crying for him during his funeral.

[@ATeitter]

I literally am experiencing this for like the 4th round with a different narcissist. They LOVE future-faking with money; minimizing and devaluing your time; your work, your resources. They are all about using them up and taking everything from you, but then when it comes time to reciprocate; get ready for some deflection and blame-shifting. All the while, they talk about how generous they are; announcing it every 5 minutes; bragging about how they are "over-tippers" in public, but it's all for show. They are only interested in their own supply and services. A narcissist is a narcissist. The grandiose ones talk a big game while they are draining you and sponging off you but none of their promises ever come to pass. They can't even carry continuity from one day to the next. They are so cookie cutter in accordance with this video that it's pathetic. They are opportunists and only care about meeting their own needs no matter what position they put anyone else in. Making sure other people's needs are met is something they will ONLY do if it feeds their grandiosity. They worry about themselves first and then their target supply. They do not care about the people who bail them out of their messes and rescue them. You could literally save their life and they'll steal from you and lie to you about it without thinking twice. If they talk a lot of nonsense about money that never actually appears, run away. Don't keep letting them push timelines. Tomorrow never comes for them and if it does, they have another BS story for you.

[@thenorthface4]

I went through a lot of abuse with my husband, financial and emotional abuse went hand in hand in my situation. He withdrew our entire savings when he cheated on me, left me with hardly anything and took off for 2 months. We’re in divorce now and he’s claiming I stole money from him…? He stole his own money! Omg what a nightmare. It’s going to take me a lot to trust a new partner after this… My husband also threatened to unalive himself instead of pay me in the divorce settlement. Who knows what he will try and do to me out of anger and he’s no longer in control. I had to take out a restraining order

[@ianimal36]

It's very confusing to be blamed for coming and going - it's like someone inviting you over and then calling the cops on you for breaking and entering, that's what a relationship with a narcissist entails, they will buy you the best, most expensive, soft, comfortable, cozy, beautiful rug just to rip it our from underneath you.

[@moonlightstargem1006]

This is also how i recognized i was living with demons. And i asked my dad if he would care if our mom died and he said no he wouldn’t care. He’s said a lot of evil things before. Both my dad and brother are super evil

[@Millions_Knives777]

Lol my dad to a T. He would rage and break things if my siblings needed shoes or doctor visits but brought his mistress' kids gifts. His mistress'at some point stole all his savings and 2 months of salary. Left my kid siblings to starve and me and my older siblings had to buy them food. He rent her an apartment while his own kids were living in a rundown house. Narcs are pure evil.

[@karam.531]

Omg this is terrible! I am so sorry!

[@conniefoxx9813]

It's all about the Golden Rule....he who has the gold makes the rule. Give up your money and you give u your power. My spouse...who is just a big lazy child decided to retire...but can I retire? Oh no, of course not. He thinks all of his 401k is his only. So while I worked for 30plus years to support the household this jackazz was maxing out his retirement and whining about never having any money. We never took vacations, never bought a new car, never invested in home improvement unless I paid for it thinking my retirement was partially being handled by him maxing his (ours) out and not putting money into the household.

[@aliceroberts1980]

Yes, this is my narcissistic husband his retirement from his all his well I got news for me it’s not he thinks it is though he moves around and controls it and never once tells me how much money we have because it is all his his mind he’s entitled to every scrap in every penny he’s entitled to throw me in the ditch with nothing, he thinks

[@TR-nv3if]

My situation almost exactly but now he’s being generous, a changed man, but only because he’s afraid I’ll divorce and get a small portion of it.

[@conniefoxx9813]

@@aliceroberts1980 exactly. In divorce there's s little thing called 'discovery'. Even if he moves it around, or puts it into an IRA it can still be tracked to what it was originally. They could spend it all tomorrow....but then I may sue to have the entirety of the proceeds from the sale of our home and auction off his toys.

[@tims9434]

I predicted this video and its why I visited my Brother. He's narcissistic just like my parents. So I've decided he's no contact as well, visited old neighbours (all on Christmas Day). They're all no contact. I'm not expecting any inheritance as I've received bare minimum from any of them all my life so I'm getting on with my life. I will continue to tell new friends etc that my family are all dead now as that's my truth as I'm never going back. I would suggest anyone reading this is a similar situation does the same. Its better to be poor and happy than miserable and controlled and very anxious. I'm happy I'm making the best decision of my life. Thank you Dr Ramani for reinforcing my view 🌟⭐️ HNY 💜❤️💣

[@bunnychan5121]

Same…! not going to be getting an inheritance because my parents will always bend to the will of my older siblings. I don’t pretend that they’re dead tho, but I show up mentally checked out, and do all the “family” motions. Being totally aloof when they put the fact I won’t get anything over them, but still mingling with them confuses them- it’s funny af. 😂

[@Flama_-ql2cs]

I NEEDED TO HEAR THIS THANK YOU 🤲

[@tims9434]

@@bunnychan5121 your next step is no contact. Don't play their games, it's not worth it. Don't trust anyone but respect yourself

[@humanbeing6933]

Just wriggled out of exactly this. Trapped in a situation where it was impossible to even work my way out as living with my parents was so debilitating… criticism, meddling, screaming matches right before I have to leave the house on an important day etc etc

[@tijeraslack3]

This is my parents house right now. I found a leadership program with 100% travel that I just applied for and also got referred for a GS position. I am only staying with them because I was financially abused by a partner and a friend.

[@anonymousanonymous4238]

This is why as a woman, I avoid relationships and work 2 jobs. I had a narcissistic friend that gaslit me. I went no contact and cut off the supply, and also didn't give him references for a job. I also know someone who is involved with a narcissist and have seen some of the fallout.

[@pinkconfessions]

This is something I have suffered with my whole life my narcissist mother and narcissist father have weaponize money against me and my narcissist sister is now buttering up to my narcissist father and narcissist mother to ensure she is left the house and the money to make sure she can have something to control me with, I unfortunately wasn't raised to be independent or to go to college as my narcissist sister was since she is their favorite and golden child and I was always seen as someone who could never do anything right and can't hold a job or seen as competent enough. Like you said I fall under that category of being out of the work force for some years, not having a ability to figure out what I actually want to do with my life and not just taking a job like the narcissist does. My narcissist family has deprived me of a good life and any time I try to step out of the house I am met with constant talking about how the world is so dangerous and how x, y and z go shot today, but my narcissist family go out and they don't mind the crimes, so why instill it onto me over and over again. Everything you said in your video matches up to my narcissist family, they have isolated me to gain control, I never had friends, my narcissist family often got anyone I was interested in to leave me alone and my narcissist family often goes through phone records since they pay for my phone bill they believe it's their right and okay to not only monitor but to track everything I do, and who I communicate to make sure to annoy that person, make false lies and to make sure I am alone at the end of the day, and needs me to sit with them at dinner at dinner their will be constant conversation about how we are the best family and family talk will be reiterated over and over again to brain wash me and keep me in this false sense and picture perfect ideal family, just to put me down later on that night. Since my narcissist mother didn't want to parent or teach me anything I had to teach myself everything about life, I always told when saying why didn't you teach me this, met with "I taught you this ,and I told you this, you just didn't listen"

[@abbeykas9394]

It seems you talking about me ! I am bouncing back after 3 decades 👍🏽😊

[@catherinealtmire2337]

25 years for me...several children, he has control of all of our finances, I have to come to hi e for everything. He often shames me and tries to make me feel horrible for anything I need or spend, which is basically nothing on myself. Then he buys whatever he wants for himself and kids. I am fully aware of his narcissism, but as Dr. R. puts it, I am screwed and stuck! So good to have this support system here though.

[@rachelmoran2205]

This was enlightening Dr Ramani but it was centred almost entirely around relationships and situations where the narcissist has the financial upper hand. I'd love to see you do as detailed a video about what happens when the narcissist is dirt broke and the unwitting partner is the high earner. I'd imagine there are a whole set of dynamics, some different, some similar, some overlapping? What does narcissistic financial abuse look like coming from the opposite perspective? I do hope you make this video, I'll be looking out for it!

[@kathryngracey7993]

I do my best to control most of the money because my N. husband has a history of dishonesty thus wasting it. That included him slithering around to date other women. Of course he lied about all that. For too much of our 25 year marriage I paid expenses [ from my inheritace and earnings] that related to his short times of employment and his long episodes of laziness, plus unhealthy lifestyle including an addiction to carbs and sugar = obesity. He is "out on the town" yet again, to get a dose of attention, admiration, tom foolery, flirting, lies etc. It is only within the last year that I was able to identify his behavior as actually being the evils of narcissism. Thanks to Dr Ramani and other utube experts re. narcissists. Last but not least the sharing from others who are sharing their testimonies is vital. I pray that all of us will have a truly happy and healthy New Year.

[@legojenn]

I have a friendship like that and I'm trying to extricate from it. She'd borrow money, not repay, get angry when asked for it back, ask for more, always have a crisis, so I would be cruel not to help. It's more than money. It's time and labour. She's absent when I need help, and it's rare that I ask because she won't show up.

[@LSMH528Hz]

What does narcissistic financial abuse look like coming from the opposite perspective? Well, just like narcissistic abuse, because it is.

[@moonlightstargem1006]

If that happens the unwitted partner would break up with the narcissist early as they should! Kick. Them. The . F . Outb

[@letmeplaydrums]

I wanted to ask the exact same thing!!! I’m in what I think is a one sided relationship with a narcissist person…. Although I am struggling with figuring out if I am the one who is narcissistic. I’m honestly going crazy and have so many questions. Thanks so much Dr. Ramani… I find so much guidance from your videos but still find myself stuck in this confusing awful cycle.

[@cherissataylor1625]

You just explained my marriage- wish I knew earlier.

[@travelwithsouthernchick5112]

True same here

[@Happy-xf3yu]

My very recent narcissist ex was generous with money but I didn't realise at first it came with a price tag! He used money to appear generous, to control me, to shame me and to try and keep me controlled by him. He also gave me money and gifts after he'd abused me. I had always told him money isn't everything to me, other things are more important!

[@caraelsenoldenburg8848]

It took me so much to accept help (in general really). After my ex discarded me he called me 6 months later to um wish me a happy birthday 😂…and said, how can you even be making it now. I simply said, that’s no longer your concern.

[@tijeraslack3]

🙌🏾

[@kklock9057]

The divorce has been dragging on for two years, first because she lost her job and asked to postpone the proceedings while she was trying to get back on track, then because of course she was refusing any amount of settlement, even paying back money she owes me, and now because she is refusing to provide financial documents. It's maddening not to be done with this and to be able to move on with my life.

[@mwilk9189]

Thank you so much Dr. Ramani! It’s like you were living in our house! I have to say EVERYTHING that you mentioned is exactly what I experienced over 22yrs. It’s been almost 4 years and I’m still trying to find stability in my life which unfortunately will probably never happen at this point. He however, has not skipped a beat. I think I can speak for many when I tell you how appreciative I am of your work. You put into words what I and so many have experienced. Thank you!

[@monongahelacats]

I'm not sure my ex was a narcissist, but when it came to money, this video described him exactly. He hid money, had a secret bank account, complained about everything I spent including groceries I bought to cook his meals, refused to co-sign for a student loan so I could go back to school to improve our financial position, shamed me when I had to go on disability (accused me of faking so I could get out of going to work), then finally hid the car from me so I could not leave the house. He definitely accused me of taking advantage and made me feel horrible.

[@melisentiapheiffer3034]

A narcissists accusations are actually confessions about themselves.

[@eteldias5176]

well.... it looks like it checks every box....

[@soulthriver-oz6470]

Even if he wasn't a Narc, he was definitely Abusive. Financially, mentally ,emotionally.

[@kutatm]

Great video. I understand a lot more about my ex narc husband. I suspected during my long three year nasty divorce that he had hid money and got away with it. He’s from a foreign country so it was easy to do. It’s been three years since my final decree. Thank you Dr Ramani for the great insight.

[@dapp778]

Dr Ramani. Thank you for discussing this topic. When I left my toxic marriage I did not know he was a narcissist. Later, I came across your videos, and it was so earth shattering. I wish I had known about this earlier. In any case I have spent over three years, trying to get out of this relationship and the financial abuse that you talk about is very real. I wonder if you can lay out a template of all the things are that you need to think about before you leave. I was completely blindsided. The only difference in my case is that I was never allowed to quit even when I wanted to take care of my little children. I guess my job supported his various endeavors and that’s why he forced me to work?

[@Wendypansingl]

In our marriage and we are two medical doctors, we started as equals. But…. We had three children and it slowed my career. Children came first as did my husband’s career. Then we moved to another country as my husband was very ambitious. I stopped working as he was commuting every day, working long hours, adjusting to a new work and new job. I took care if the kids snd the home. Our kids were 2,5 and 8. We moved a lot, every year as my husband tried to find the perfect job… we struggled financially as his appetite for cars snd things were …. Well he was used to nice things and did not want to compromise. Suddenly during the first lockdown we realized everything could fall apart. He wasn’t making as much money and started to be very anxious about how we are going to survive. Then suddenly he found his perfect job. Money started coming in. I wanted to save for the house we needed still to buy as we were renting all this time. He started spending on himself, buying expensive watches, buying Lamborghini… explained it all by I make that in a day…. Then he started complaining how much I spend… but I was spending on the house, food, normal living. I calculated how much I spent on one credit card and compared it with how much he spent….. he spent on himself as much as I did on the whole house. The kids and I were a burden now. We could not go on a holiday as it costs so much for all 5 of us… And we are ungrateful… he was working so hard and we do not appreciate him. He raged…… he drank…. He was aggressive…. I fled with the kids one night as I thought he was going to kill one of us….. I told him to leave the house… he was threatening while leaving… he was drunk… We left the country. He never apologized, the same week bought himself a new Lambo. He moved in with his girlfriend in a matter of weeks …. He rushed the divorce…. He said he owed me nothing as I left him…. I still do not work as our kids are not well psychologically….. we are still dependent of him…. It has been 10 months……

[@acetheplabs9667]

I am so sorry for what you have been through..it will pass and your kids will grow up to be more resilient,mature and awesome people in general..I myself am a medical doctor and survived the childhood in a very dysfunctional family.

[@janetquinn5809]

Spot on , completely independent, to marriage, to homemaker, retirement, now expected to have a career after being sabotaged throughout 35 years. Given crumbs financially, basic dental, haircut, glasses, medical, child medical, dental, education 🙄 like pulling teeth. Crumbs for us but not for them.

[@Obsessedwithpurple]

When he couldn’t control me. He controlled the money. He got his mother to help him set up his own bank account that I had no access to. And only gave me an “allowance” after I exploded in frustration. Every time he tried to make me get a job. I got physically ill. I developed some horrible undiagnosed illness. And before I left in January of 2022. He was just waiting on me to die. I just left. I didn’t want anything. Not even the house. I said let’s just go to the courthouse and fill out the divorce papers. But he went and got a lawyer. And that kind is backfired on him. Cause it went in my favor. I don’t have a lawyer. Anyway my health improved after I left. And I’m doing much better

[@lfn086]

👏 🙌 👍

[@aliceroberts1980]

❤

[@bunnychan5121]

Not trying to be paranoid but timeline and situation is too eerie to not ask- did he leave for military?

[@bunnychan5121]

Either pure coincidence or we ran into the same guy, praying it’s not the latter… 😢

[@Obsessedwithpurple]

@@bunnychan5121 no. He wanted to be in the military but I was like no I won’t marry you

[@johncorson6599]

Debt was used during the early part of the marriage, no kids but an adult step daughter who moved out in the first 2 years ( ex had 2 kids as a teen), ..ex ran up debt and persuaded me to find a job in another state which I did .. she then quit working and wanted to go to school .. I paid for it while trying to handle this debt she ran up . She graduates and rarely works .. then years later after stopping her credit card insanity, paid off all the debts and I started making lots of money but savings was never accumulating as I expected .. couldn’t see where it was going .. but travelled constantly so was rarely home .. after 7 years of this ( again she rarely would work, would take part time occasionally, and I asked her to repeatedly to do so full time as layoffs were looming every year) .. 1 month after accumulating enough money to pay off house, she filed for divorce and got everything and sabotaged my job by not allowing me to have my passport back. Turns out she was stealing $2500 to $3000 a month thru cashback transactions at every store she went to .. conservative estimate of theft over 7 years is $220,000 to $240,000 and likely much more … her brutality during the divorce was unlike anything I’d seen before like an alien possessed her .. once it was over and I was ruined and even had to move out of state to survive .. found another job similar to the previous .. saved more more in 18 months than I had over the previous 7 years married to a narcissist .. could have paid off the house in 18 months Will never allow someone else get such control of money or use debt as a weapon … 2 years of lockdowns after a layoff living with a brother showed me where my tolerance of abuse came from .. though I had money my brother showed what he was .. totally toxic and a liar to boot and was slowly, incrementally moving to control my life and I got the f out .. my mother was the the narc in the family and created little narcs out of several her kids ..7 of them total .. 3 may be narcs .. 1 for sure .. in the 2 years around my brother, never met a friend of his that they hung out together with despite my brother living the state over 30 years and having plenty of money after he divorced his wife .. his kids didn’t even visit him .. but he doesn’t see it at all

[@PARoth2011]

Ouch, this really stings! Holy crap, I remember begging for sneakers and having to justify why. Sigh…so many narcissists have been around me. Oh..and we were very well off!

[@synthonaplinth5980]

My father used money as a means of keeping me dependent so he could always have supply. Thankfully I came to my senses and started saying 'no'. Now that I am self-sufficient he knows he has no control over me or my life. My health has increased tremendously, though there are still doubts about my financial secuity. Better that than to be enabled by someone who just uses it against you.

[@elaineduncanson1474]

“It’s my paycheque so I will decide how to spend it”. He permitted me a small allowance for most of the time but when I showed a bit of independence that stopped. He bought the food and often there was little or none for me. He even tried to monitor my tiny bank account while he maxed out credit cards and ‘forgot’ to pay the bill. Even with a court order he rarely paid support on time or at all.

[@sarahspring3143]

Every word is true, this happened to me, thank you Dr Ramani for your wisdom and help for all of us who have suffered from narcissistic abuse xx

[@meganodom2813]

Ok so this is SPOT ON to my situation. So much it seems like she’s talking about my husband of 10 years. I am so drained and felt so guilty about being the stay at home mom THAT HE AGREED TO and needing money for my children while he’s at the bar every single day and barely even looks at us at this point. I’m so heartbroken 💔😔

[@ninac2044]

Oh my gosh. This is my story. The narc "took me in" after my parents died. I was 19 at the time and didn't know what I was getting myself into and was scared to be alone. So I accepted her offer to live in her guest house. Then she wanted me to help out with her horses on the property and "contribute" to the household chores. First it was feeding. Then it became cleaning stalls. Then lifting 100lb bales of hay and supplements. Then taking her dogs to the vet. Then cleaning her patio, deck, garage, you name it. I became an indentured servant, available on call 24/7. I told her "I don't have time to help you, I need to look for a job and pay my bills," and she would tell me "Don't worry about a job, I'll pay your bills for you." Until she didn't. And complained when I had to ask for more money. Then she started complaining that I was "lazy" and that other people my age "work and pay their own bills and have their own place to live." And she started threatening to kick me out if I said no to a chore she wanted me to do. I am 34 now and still dealing with this shit. I want out of this hellhole.

[@pjferro3]

Some times when a narcissist is entering a divorce situation, they will quit a high paying job to gain child support and alimony payments and keep the supply flowing. Lived it and it's HELL!

[@celiamurray]

Wish judges would listen to this.

[@KatieLHall-fy1hw]

My husband low key does this. He used to roll into me about my finances (I had student loans, he didn’t, then he paid the mortgage but I paid for all other home items, groceries, outings, etc. while doing 90% of the housework and helping him with 70% of the outside work when he wanted) very uneven. I could easily leave and would be okay but would get no money from him. My work isn’t free, though apparently it is…

[@nickm1212]

You're literally describing the past 7 years of my life. The scenario you painted at the beginning made me go cold and caused my stomach to sink. You even got the exact words and phrases my wife uses sometimes. I'm truly shocked. Her supply is me or our young children so, for now, its me. Until i can break the cycle. Thank you Doctor.

[@heathermurphy9359]

Dr ramani you have saved me from myself and from living a sad lie. You have saved me from blaming myself and changing everything about me. Im an infj with a narcissist and its a disaster. I truly genuinely am more grateful for your videos than you will ever know. With out you id still be crying every night wondering why he doesnt love me and what I did to ruin this relationship. It isn't me. It never was. Thank you. Thank you very much.

[@tijeraslack3]

I am a INFJ as well. I’m only extroverted as needed. I enjoy being at home and also very big on justice in the world.

[@anitamorin6255]

This is so describing my relationship with my mom... I have so got to finalize my studies and my financial affairs

[@joey-dangerously]

This was a really great and thorough description of financial traps, but completely misses and does not cover what I experienced over a 4 year abusive relationship with a covert narcissist. It's the other side of narcissists' financial traps and a powerful tool for blame shifting, gaslighting, manipulation, and avoiding accountability. Citing "anxiety and mental health issues", "chronic pain", (neither of which she took any steps to address until I forced her hand after discovering two years into our relationship that she was married when we met, not in an "open relationship") and her preteen son, (who was able to attend school for much of the four years minus the covid pandemic) as the rationale to remain unemployed, or how she struggled finding a job. Already in a trauma bond, I made the short list of needs I had for us to continue and move forward with our relationship, including moving her into the house I was planning to buy. 1- I demanded that she divorce her husband. (I had always asked after we became official why her son's father didn't want to meet me, seeing as I obviously wasn't going anywhere. I didn't know at the time that I was bedding the man's wife. Hell, I wouldn't want to meet me either! I'm sure we would have had a lot to talk about. ) 2 - She needed to get mental health help and get back on medication to address her issues, including her chronic pain. (without income, health insurance could be obtained at no cost through healthnet) 3 - She needed to get a job. It was clearly stated it did not have to be full time, or even a high paying job, but I needed to see that she could at least hold a job so she could provide for her basic wants and day to day needs to ensure I wouldn't have to shoulder that on top of taking on a mortgage. and 4 - She needed to put together 1.5-2k in savings (she never paid rent wherever she lived the entire four years) so she would have said walking around money post move to get by until she found another job to fill that need. A year went by without her ever even getting divorced. She lived 3 hours away and had no car. I did all the driving, paid for everything, including little getaway trips, gave her money here and there for vape stuff, weed, ang going out, and I never held it over her because of the cognitive dissonance. I was in love. She manipulated me to think she was my everything. Future faking galore. Even as the year went by, I only ever raised the divorce issue lightly a handful of times. It was only when the devalue phase happened, where I was putting in more and more into the relationship with it never being enough, when I finally stood my ground and demanded reciprocity. Enter the discard phase. I hope this describes sufficiently the more "covert / vulnerable" side of Narcissists' financial traps that aren't covered here. Thank you for all you do. I've spent countless hours by now watching your content across multiple channels, and didn't even know that I was dealing with narcissistic abuse until I looked up gaslighting and found you. My road is still long ahead of me, but I owe a lot of miles to your content. Thank you so much! 🖤❤‍🩹👻🧸🦾

[@aliceroberts1980]

Well, that’s not very demanding at all. Jesus was all you think you are.

[@joey-dangerously]

@@aliceroberts1980 I don't think that at all. It seems like you're being sarcastic, so let me remind you that she was still sharing a domicile with her ex when we met, and when she pushed for us to be official, I made the very reasonable boundary of being unable to do so until that was remedied. She eventually got him to move out. Bearing that in mind, you could clearly anticipate what my stance would be about her being married to the guy. I'm sorry if asking my partner to in some limited way contribute to our relationship is demanding. I'm sorry that when citing her "Memory Issues" as the reason she never told me she was married because she "thought she did" and me suggesting she should probably stop decompensating and asking her to get back on meds and work on herself before I move her and her son into my home is demanding. I'm sorry if you think my boundary of not being willing to move a married woman and her son into my home is demanding. I'm sorry that setting boundaries (which were agreed to, btw) in a relationship where I had already been lied to copiously and betrayed seems demanding to you. I apologize if demanding honesty and transparency in relationship seems too demanding. Oh, wait, I'm not sorry. 🤷‍♂

[@comfybahay3664]

I think it is also wrong to put so much focus on someone else’s problem and demand them to fix it.. that is still control.. and there is so much devaluation of someone that is suffering.. better to let go of her than try to change her and hurt yourself coz she is not what you want her at the moment

[@joey-dangerously]

@@comfybahay3664 boundaries are not control. The mental health issues were likely real, but certainly exaggerated at whim to deflect responsibility and accountability. I’m sorry, but you don’t just “forget” that you didn’t tell your partner you were married for two years, and never make that verbal distinction for two years. Every step of the way, in my cognitive dissonance, I gave her the benefit of the doubt or dismissed the red flags and my own instincts. And you don’t get to use mental health issues to excuse your behavior or inabilities while doing absolutely nothing to address them until caught red handed in a lie. It does not seem at all unfair to stick around patiently just to be future faked for another two years and gaslit into believing so false a narrative. I shouldn’t have set those boundaries though, you’re right about that. I should have just walked away. That I couldn’t is something I’ll regret and long to understand for a very long time.

[@bestlife9925]

I experienced this too. Blindly stayed home after having kids, taking care of everything. Each passing year I was disempower by the ex and my 2nd career dreams never supported. I left the marriage 32 years in. Divorced 34 years in. Very short sighted on my end bc I was out of the work force all those years! Now I’m carrying for elderly parents full time (stepped straight from the divorce into eldercare). Im 62yrs. It’s financially scary to believe I will be able to create active income when I am alone (when parents pass). I never realized I was experiencing financial abuse from a narcissist until I started counseling 1 year before I separated. If anyone readying this is in an unhappy marriage, definitely seek professional guidance for YOU first: the rest will fall into place…

[@yorkiemom4498]

Ive been married for 37 years. I had crohns which left me wiyhout a colon and rectum and followed with 3 spinal surgeries. Now i “have zero to offer and bring nothing to the table”. Among many other things i spend too much money and he is planning to retire in a few years. Its a though situation to be in. I was a stay at home mom for ten years but worked until i was medically retired. Money is more important to him than our 37 yrs of marriage. We built a new home to meet our physical needs and he keeps telling me he will keep the house like i give a damn about not living here! He is beyond cruel. He doesnt want to get a divorce because it will burn down our finances. Me, i just want peace! Tired of being devalued an dehumanized!

[@loriw1189]

Yep...Every word Dr Ramani is saying is TRUE ...believe me because I lived this life...Fortune to get out

[@meganodom2813]

This is just beyond calculated, and evil is exactly what I’m going through and three months ago it was like a switch was flipped and he’s literally a whole different person. Literally everything you’ve ever talked about is happening from the flying monkeys to the cheating financial abuse is the worst part lying alcohol abuse do you name it? He hasn’t had a conversation with me for three months it’s literally Jekyll and Hyde. After 10 years, I don’t even know who’s living in my house with me. I don’t know that person. The signs were there for sure I just never had thought it was ever get this bad. 😔

[@angelabachert7738]

So sorry. They're truly evil to the core. I've endured the smearing, the stalking,they're so abusive and sick. It's all about control and humiliating others. A black heart.

[@marie22213]

When she said " this bitch doubled down" 🤣 never thought I'd hear Dr. Ramani be so raw with it lmfao

[@PamelaMeinke]

I have been there and have learned from it. I no longer turn over my control financially to anyone anymore.

[@sandraluna3972]

Thank you Doc. You are helping as we speak. Am in the process of making my way out of this mess. It's like you literally have to work out a strategy to leave because you can't just walk away. Am glad I now have a job But you forgot about the part where he tells you that you work because your meeting up with someone at work.

[@charmainemillard4376]

Common Good my Ass!! Lol, you have just described my WHOLE marriage . Which is why I'm now sharing a home with my best friend, my son and hers . Yes things aren't sunshine and rainbows BUT at least my life and my son's is SO much better.

[@MindfulMommahood]

It’s so wild how narcs are all the same… currently going though this… I had never been in this financial predicament in my life but slowly & surely I’m gaining financial independence… prayers to all going through this ❤

[@angelabachert7738]

Omg!! You're nailing it. I was blinded about this particular behavior. I thought it was cuz he cared, but it was all a roux It was all control game. They want u as a slave to tend to their needy, juvenile emotions.