WATCH OUT! Narcissists' toxic money habits

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DISCLAIMER: THIS INFORMATION IS FOR EDUCATIONAL PURPOSES ONLY AND IS NOT INTENDED TO BE A SUBSTITUTE FOR CLINICAL CARE. PLEASE CONSULT A HEALTH CARE PROVIDER FOR GUIDANCE SPECIFIC TO YOUR CASE. THIS VIDEO DISCUSSES NARCISSISM IN GENERAL.
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[@Niles-Guy]

It’s not the narcissist money you have to worry about …ITS YOUR OWN! Narcissist will claim to be broke , will be reckless financially, make impulse spending and expect you to pay their bills especially even though they have a job. They will use you, encourage you to max out your credit to benefit the narcissist, and make broken false promises of they’ll pay you back . In reality , it’s as if the narcissist is charging you just to be in a manipulationship with them.

[@callalilly1988]

So true. I see this now. I've lost a lot already. And I love the word manipulationship. So fitting.

[@user-eu3qy8uf7f]

So very true. Several in my family are this way. Just constantly broke. They can't stay out of stores etc. and no matter what you do to HELP them they always end up needing a bail out for storage, car repair, utilities etc. Get this. A sibling got a 500$ car repair loan from me in Oct 2022. I helped her file for her social security so she could get a guaranteed income as her job hours can be sporadic. I explained she could still WORK part time the next year and a half till full retirement age and her checks would increase a little because of more earnings. The FOOL got her first check. She immediately went down to the mom and pop shop and bought four 300$ lotto ticket books=1200$-almost her whole check. I could have fallen through the floor. She pulled the rug out from under her own self and defeated the purpose of social SECURITY. It was a SLAP in the face to me with a hint of defiance thrown in for good measure. She thought nothing of returning my 500$ first even though explained I needed to put it back in that account to avoid tax. Straight up narcissist. I'm done. She will NEVER get another dime from me. Dr. Ramani is so right. I have 5k out in loans to these narc family members. Not one has paid me back. Not one. And they never will. And they all stopped speaking except this last one. AND so have I.

[@davidcoppotelli3957]

Oh Yeah.

[@HahaT634]

@@user-eu3qy8uf7f oh my ! That’s horrible. Now that you have stopped talking to them, work on making your boundaries strong and healing that part of you that always needs to rescue these demons. My family with 7 siblings and narc parents are similar to yours. I was the designated rescuer, scapegoat and was codependent too. It use to hurt me physically to say NO to any request, I felt guilty but now I’m getting good at it

[@klu75]

Thanks for this post-my narc got himself in $220K in unsecured debt and didn’t tell me. I had paid all our bills for 11 years with only a couple of household bills being paid by him. I’m supposed to never expect to be able to rely on him financially. I can’t any more. I am almost broke and now had to sell our house (he gets half the proceeds because we are married) that I made all the payments on. We are separated and I’m trying to rebuild my life. I couldn’t see he was a narcissist until it was too late. I wish there was more talked about in these types of scenarios because I feel like most posts are about narcs controlling others with money because they have it-some don’t and take from the empathy until they have nothing left to give.

[@SandraStachowiczLtd]

They're cheap not just with their money but with their time, effort, energy, love, attention and support and most importantly, their presence

[@TheFilmLocker]

How poetic and true! Silent and cold at home with my mum but she's the ‘life of the party’ when we are around others. 🤦🏾‍♀️

[@johnisrael5183]

Yeah...very very Stingy with time...and presnece...but will always want you around when they want you

[@johnisrael5183]

Your in emotional hell, onece you fall in love with a narcistic woman or man....your doomed....they make themselves like a drug...like concentraited version of everything you want with them...give you a second of it and take it away...so you can work to have a few seconds of it again...LOL

[@nyizazonaphtali9596]

YES YOU ARE ABSOLUTELY CORRECT. IM PRESENTLY EXPERIENCING NARCISSISTIC MANIPULATIONS & AM FINDING IT HARD TO QUIT. SHE IS VERY EXCELLENT IN BED. TRULY, I DON'T KNOW WHAT TO DO. I NEED HELP.

[@lynneroberts3628]

💯

[@JM-sp7hx]

My narcissistic ex-husband, freaked out because I bought our daughter running shoes for her kindergarten class.The shoes were from Walmart, they were six dollars. He screamed and yelled because she had runners already… but the shoes needed to be non-scuffing soles. I lost my mind and said to him” yah, we’ll at least, she will still have her runners in 3 months, unlike you, and the case of beer you drink every 2 days” He spend at least 800.00- 1000.00/ month on himself. Going to eat out and drinking in the bar with his friends. The more I listen to these videos I can’t believe I actually lived through all this craziness. I’m so glad, I escaped and am living a normal life now.

[@sunshinejenny5536]

Good for you!! And your daughter has been saved too!!

[@sunshinejenny5536]

Thank you for these videos!! Very important. My mom charged me YEARS later for a sweatshirt she bought for me when it was cold on a trip! I was like "WHAT?!" She even saved the receipt and kept a record.

[@sunshinejenny5536]

Great series! You give great examples!! Thank you.

[@christiner2472]

Excellent!❤

[@saffronskies333]

"What's mine is mine...and what's yours is mine"

[@somethinginteresting2202]

100% true

[@johnisrael5183]

Man...my ex...spot on

[@chintamaniaryal4949]

Agree

[@krishnair4642]

Lol😂😂 that's true

[@DARKhorses73]

Spot on! Dealing with this now. Can't wait for a divorce

[@NarcSurvivor]

When you’re with a narcissist, you leave with less money than you came in with. While they leave with the money they saved from you behind your back and all of the gifts you gave them (or things you were coerced into buying for them).

[@deion4503]

The coercion. Omg. It’s a subtle way to abuse.

[@jawofajackass4047]

💯! Plus, they will swear on their lives that they were the ones that sacrifice the most financially

[@marysullivan1815]

They are mean my ex never paid bills he didn't told me his money covered the bills ???????

[@SpringHWhipple]

Facts

[@ciaralee9760]

Big fat hard yep

[@miku5773]

you don't leave a narc, you convince him to leave you, and that he is right.. you smile and walk backwards slowly

[@rayoplata1]

The was I did with my now ex.same with my son when he try to sale my house without my consent I force him to leave me he learn from his dad to act the same now both and his wife are narcissis they only whant the money but I don't in idiot anymore .😊

[@miku5773]

well done girl !!@@rayoplata1 proud of you, now fly away and forget those idiots you have a life !! you are stronger than them !!! hugs !!!

[@achiengdeji]

I agree!

[@miku5773]

@@robert.9028 obvious, narc women are awful

[@podhale3704]

Yes he did, but taken all the money, so I have no food. Involvement solicitor to manipulate. Bastered

[@kadambariprasad208]

My dad holds money over only his immediate family- my mother, brother and me. In front of others he makes grandiose attempts to look generous.

[@francalatona591]

Lavish dinners at home for company or flipping the bill in front of others outside the home... But how dare you mention any of your comman NEEDS. And don't you dare mention that you even have any WANTS....You are on their crap list and, expect for an exaggerated response, possibly backed up with rage! Look at them for what they are, toddlers in adult bodies having a fit!😖😒😕

[@UnderGroundSkoopTV]

Dont take it for granted now

[@betzabeteta2967]

My father and my husband same.

[@user-fr7ix5ge3q]

Sounds like my husband. I became a person who would put water to my shampoo so i can use longer: he keeps throwing big parties and pays for his friends, buying humongous grills.... meanwhile he puts the limitation of 30 Fr. on the debit card which I use for family grocery. ( I am in Switzerland and maybe i can buy 2 packs of pasta and 3 apples with this amount of money.) Thank god I have been desciplined for a long time and now making more money than him. I wouldnt need these all soon enough.

[@paulatriplep]

I can relate to this!!! So hypocritical

[@rebekahcurtis538]

I was shamed on a birthday weekend trip for buying a coffee mug from a cafe. I was humiliated for spending $30 and offered to return it. Mind you: I got no birthday gift and the trip was with friends so in reality the trip was for the narc to be able to flash his money paying for rounds of drinks for the group. This is someone who pays $600 for a group dinner out and $400 on gourmet cheeses that ended up going bad and had to be thrown out. I worked in a family business for 3 years without any pay. I was given a monthly "allowance" of $2000 while having a child in college and had given up a well paying nursing job. I got no retirement, 401K or anything for that whole time: I gave up the time in investments and security of a job to help build the business. I was so confused and humiliated because I had no idea what narcissism was at the time. I now have words for what I went through. Very hard lessons to learn at age 50.

[@alyssawoodman]

Here is a coffee ☕ and a doughnut 🍩 on me. Happy Birthday 🎂 🎈 🌸

[@dani323]

I'm so sorry. If it helps, someone said, don’t look at the age, we are always learning; and, God's time is perfect. When we are ready, the teacher appears. So our subconscious mind, knows everything! Be kind and compassionate with your own self; if don't know, start slowly. It takes a while. Blessings💚

[@honeybee3317]

It wasn't taught to USA psych undergrads nor in Australian psych depts as well in the 80s. I wonder if it is now!

[@PlasmaBurns]

Now we know what all politicians have....and now we know its only going to get worse. The people in charge lack empathy and desire control.

[@eviewalters9245]

May the Lord bless you ma'am. I'm so sorry that happened to you, and I know it's probably late, but happy birthday ❤️❤️❤️ I'll pray for you

[@sanetgeyser7150]

I literally get anxiety attacks when I listen to you Dr Ramani. Everything you say is so real and yet I do not know how to explain that to other people around me because narcs are so deceiving and I often feel nobody will believe me. The golden rule, you can't win.

[@Jess-kn8vl]

I hear you, with time it does get better!

[@theresavanriessen1269]

It's upsetting, but also a relief to know that you're not crazy for feeling the way you do.

[@northstar5919]

Remove yourself from these people and dont explain anything

[@kellyklier-dobbins3537]

Ditto, I pause, hold my hand to my heart and say calmly - you are kind and not losing your mind.

[@imalrockme]

No kidding, I get blasts from the past when I hear this amazing Dr. . But I keep in a positive track, I realize I keep learning about people.

[@cherjimenez3261]

My ex husband used to rage every time I come home from the grocery like I stole money from him. So I stuck receipts on the fridge every time to satisfy his curiosity. Mind you I was working two jobs and yet hardly spent anything on myself! Meanwhile, he didn’t think twice about spending huge money on alcohol or on other people just to feed his starving ego. So glad I’m out of my hell hole.

[@lizcosgrove8199]

No person that's a heavy drinker ever has money and will be sponging off you for drink not just narcissistic people all drinkers or drug addicts will do that. You'll never have a comfortable life if you marry an addict because their 1st priority is always themselves and their drug of choice. A partner and children and home are not their priority..ever sadly 😔

[@susanparker9877]

@@lizcosgrove8199 Liz, This is the saddest truth. Their number one priority is booze and cigarettes, even if it's their last dollars. I calculated my ex was spending $600-$700/month on his habits. Even though he's on his own now, with expensive rent and car payments, he allows himself $100/wk for entertainment.

[@Prophezora]

*his hell hole

[@abj9837]

I'm on my way out. I can't wait!

[@harleyanne3720]

Same. Out

[@khutchinsoncpa1]

My father would tell my mother, “I’m not your damned meal ticket” when she was at home with my infant brother. I learned the lesson well: I achieved educational and career goals and earn a great salary - much more than my spouse - to be safe from financial manipulation.

[@GB_008]

You really shouldn't have married a m¤n that is beneath your financial status. You are putting yourself in jeopardy of having to pay him off if things don't work out.

[@kawaterskakatheryn6063]

I’m sorry you have to live through this grow up

[@simplewelshman]

I ended up homeless and in rather a lot of debt due to a 4 year relationship with a female narcissist. However, I turned my life around and have met some kind, decent human beings - this has restored my faith in human nature. Good people do exist.

[@snorttroll4379]

how does one discern? any smart way to evaluate up front without experiencing them

[@Agheel963]

It's only when you hit rock bottom you really see who good people are. The ones that help and don't expect to be repaid. I figured that out when I was made homeless also

[@user56gghtf]

With God all things are possible.

[@ganymeade5151]

Just leave narcissists as soon as possible. Narcissists will never get better. They usually get worse. They abuse everyone around them to gain a sense of power. Leave before it is too late. Avoid these relationships in the future. It is better to be alone than with toxic people.

[@rifkamiriam7721]

Unfortunately, some of us were born to two of them, and already foreclosed on a lot of opportunities for independent financial success without realizing it. Mine believed that people chose their parents. Man that one messed me up for a while!

[@melindajackson378]

Glad God open my eyes.

[@christianbenn316]

I did so after 4 & a half months after discovering the red flags so i left her with a perminent no contact so never again.

[@85ABC]

I guess the issue is you will never know. From watching these videos I think my ex had many of the tendencies. Particularly towards the end they would call me a narc all the time. They said I was emotionally abusive and they would focus on any fault I had ever made and blow it out of proportion. They had a big issue that they never resolved in their own personal life and ultimately that on top of these traits was why I ended it. When I tried to end it they got a lot more abusive, silent treatment, emotional. On reading these articles I think its quite obvious that they had a lot of these traits. I guess I will never know for sure so just got to assume that is what it was and just move on and learn. Keep the videos coming, they are v helpful!

[@Eric-qm5xw]

Lol I’ve no dealing with my ex as she lies about everything..caught over 50 times by the CMS…still will not pay ..court appearances …fees lawyers etc. She has not given my youngest son a birthday present or Xmas present for 5 years ..both the kids I looked after the divorce 8 years ago. She’s a complete whack job.

[@alaia-awakened]

Narcs don't give you things out of love, it's to make you be 'in their debt'. I've paid off several narcissists just to get them off my back. Never ever take loans, let them pay or be financially beholden to them in any way if you can help it.

[@mariajmc6557]

Just escaped that praise God for that very nicely refused to take loan. why? Great question he asked.... I don't have the means to repay... You want a loan take it yourself.... Guess what nothing happened.

[@e-moshe]

They do this with ‘favours’ and gifts as well. I had this done to me as a child, as a result I now get nervous when people do things do things for me or give me gifts.

[@JudionSmith]

Wow...I can so relate. Right now I am in this dilemma with a narc claiming I owe him money. He said if he can't have me he want his money back. Not under my living body. I am taking out a restraining order on him.

[@JW-po9mb]

Truth!!! They don't love you, they're manipulating you to get stuff out of you. Nothing they do is for "you." Somehow, they will try and reap the benefits of everything they do; even if it's to show how good of a person they are.

[@postnutclarity7382]

​@JudionSmith hey bro I'm there with you rn! He already attacked me once. But I definitely got ptsd.

[@rebekahcurtis538]

my narc bought me an expensive car for my birthday: later I realized it was a tax strategy for his business! he needed an end of year write off.....he looked awesome in the community , made a huge deal of it.........and so generous in front of our friends. later, found out the car was not in my name.....it was never my car. so confusing and humiliating. what could I say? everyone thought oh he takes such good care of you...........not!!!!!!!!!! so then it was another way to strip me of having any assets of my own and being dependent on him. I had to ask for money for household items which was humiliating as a woman who had had a professional career. hard lessons learned.

[@tiabiamama]

Yes, mine bought "me" a new house and encouraged me to spend my emergency money because I was so secure with him. 10 year anniversary and we are renting out "my house" because he gets high rent in his name, and we are living in a rental with bad electricity, water, and a leaky roof in the kitchen. He actually tried to break up with me by text and when I asked him why I was doing work for his business, he responded by saying there was another $100 in the debit account.

[@angie-mg6ky]

Mine bought me a car, put it on his name because it will be lighter on fuel for him to travel for work

[@angelameyer3709]

He took all my money. Whatever I earned went to a joint account to which I had no access. I was told what’s yours is mine, and what’s mine is mine. Be grateful you have a roof over your head.

[@francalatona591]

I've heard that one before. But the narc is going to get a taste of their own medicine soon. I'll ask them then, if it all sounds and feels familiar? It should! 🫢

[@orangewarm1]

You should sue him.

[@aynilaa]

My narc parents spoiled us, never taught us financial independence and it has been used against us ever since. In a narc world, their income is supposed to distract you from their awful personality. They give you money, so you have to tolerate everything.

[@HahaT634]

Spot on 😢

[@erockfreedom6399]

Yup, you just described the guy who calls himself my father

[@dadsfreetimeclassicgaming1220]

Mine arent as good at it as they would like me to think. Fortunately i have resources and friends who understand money now.

[@KoolT]

People USE their MONEY to control YOU. If you don't get out and make your own. Reparent yourself. Always take care of you.

[@ForTheRoadTravels]

'so you have to tolerate everything' yesss, I can absolutely relate to this 🥲☠

[@michaelmorrison6540]

My (now ex-) wife cheated on me, even though we had 3 young children at the time. Unfortunately, her boyfriend was a gambling addict and she fully enabled him. She maxed out dozens of credit cards, took bank loans, depleted our retirement funds, etc. She and her boyfriend would fly off to Las Vegas a couple time a month and blast through $25,000 per weekend... while I stayed at home to look after my kids. The crazy part is that she would yell at me for hours (for “wasting money”) if I took the kids to a movie or McDonald’s. She completely destroyed our family finances, yet takes no responsibility for that. I have been divorced for 6 years now. It’s a struggle for me financially now (I’m in my early 60s), but it feels awesome to be free of her toxic narcissism and hypocrisy. I am okay with the idea of dying poor, because I have peace and joy in my life now.

[@mommaboombam3764]

I feel for you and understand. Wishing you blessings

[@renaissance5300]

I wish you all the best you must have a lot of patience and love for humanity to put up with all of this I am anxious and sick over my situaltion

[@mariajmc6557]

Sympathies with you yes peace and joy is yours....

[@NF40375]

Why most of us are all investing ourselves with the wrong toxic partners is beyond me You have my sympathy, compassion and respect ✊🏾 Sending you and your children love and light Stay strong

[@spreadgoodenergy6051]

Sorry that happened to you. I hope you win the lottery.

[@tylerpatterson1267]

When I met my narcissist, it was actually on my 24th birthday. At the time I had right around a $250k net worth. All self made and regularly growing. 2 years later, about to turn 26, after selling the house because she wanted to move, selling a very nice loaded gmc truck, selling my motorcycle, selling off my business and all equipment with it, and moving 2200 miles across the country, I am left with a tiny fraction of that. At about 110k net worth left. No business, living in a one bedroom apartment, and trying to rebuild which has proven more difficult than imagined. However, she’s ALMOST out of my life finally. She has a domestic abuse charge and destruction of property charge that I’m involved with. So hopefully the case is settled soon, oh and she just got a dui 2 nights ago I found out. So now she has a bail violation and a dui charge. Unless they cut her some insane break again, she should be looking at 1-4 years in jail. I will finally be free of the torture.

[@stevenevangelist5221]

Wow sorry that happened. Chewed you like a piece of gum. When the gum got old. Spit you out. Unreal. Feeling for you. Stay strong. You have the ability to make it back day by day.

[@suedarr197]

You're darn lucky you have what you have!😮 most get rid of anything they can get their hands on..😮

[@miss.pinkpanther]

Congrats, You're free of that person. I had a narcissist husband, and now I have a narcissist daughter... Free of the ex, but tied to the daughter through the grandkids... A Strait Narcissist....

[@RonSafreed]

Narcissistic/abusive types seem to want to move far-far away from family & friends so in that isolation they can do their"dirty-work" like against a spouse & kids!!

[@NawangAyuSukma]

yea me too. I almost lost my house. glad I didn't

[@annavetrova8200]

My dad is a narcissist and when my brother or I tried to borrow from him when we were in the beginning of our careers, doing first jobs, barely making ends meet, it was so bad. He lectured the borrower for hours, inquired a full disclosure on what, when and why went wrong for us to need to borrow, etc. Luckily we had friends to help us out, and each other of course. I remember once I needed money to get to my next pay day, and talked with my brother sharing I have no option but go to dad. He freaked out so much, and re-borrowed through his own friends to give me a helping hand. I'm so lucky to have a sibling to share this! I'm also very lucky he survived, he was the scapegoat and suffered from alcoholism most of his youth years.

[@killadjango6995]

ur brother sounds like me, now u know what caused his drinking. jan 23' once I realized what a narc was, my father checked every box. no contact since! let all narcs burn where they belong!🔥🔥🔥

[@amyantonioli9828]

My husband’s father was the same way. He would put 300 dollars a week in his pocket to go drinking at bars for the entire day, going from town to town three days per week…religiously but his mom want allowed to have or need anything. He ridiculed her all the time for things that she wanted and wouldn’t want to buy. However, she was the breadwinner in the home. She worked 5 to 6 days a week and was the highest paid person at her factory job because she was the fastest and he would work a job that was seasonal and beyond unemployment for six months and then have to work for six months. She wasn’t even allowed to write a check in the checkbook, and when she signed her check, she gave it to him and asked him for nothing.

[@mariaharrington8708]

Unfortunately my only brother is the narcissist. Last time I got lectured for wasting money on Clorox and cleaning supplies. I asked to borrow and he wanted me to send him my taxes to see my income and my budget

[@annavetrova8200]

@@mariaharrington8708 I'm very sorry that there is no support from you brother. I wish you to find family connections among friends (which is very tough and I personally did not succeed). It feels very unfair to have no family while your family is actually physically alive.

[@chrisschneiders6734]

Hope you both doung well, reaching for the bottle is so common, it probably helps for quite some time until it is who you are, been there done that..❤

[@ly797]

I did my own forensic accounting. I created a one year spreadsheet for my lawyer to use in court. My ex sued me for spousal support, even though he made more money than I did. He was spending more than he made on alcohol, porn, and massage parlors. The judge told him to learn to live within his means. The case was dismissed. My heart sang! I won! He was so angry. But then he tried to run me over in his pickup truck. Be safe everyone.

[@amber40494]

Omg ! My ex made alot of money but said he resented me because I had money from an inheritance! My previous ex was also a narc and tried to hurt me physically if I just spoke up.

[@geraldinebyrnes3298]

Karma ❤

[@brandirobinson8430]

Glad your free, and safe.

[@amber40494]

Stay safe! That's horrendous! Hope you have a order of protection against him!

[@99balloons71]

😱

[@ammaseaforth2050]

Stingy with money, time, and physical presence...this is what I'm dealing with right now, and what I've been dealing with for the past 13 years. I started shaking when I heard those words. I'm trying to find my financial independence NOW. Thank you for this video.

[@jeaniepowell3261]

Same for me 30 yrs. of it. Did not know about Narrcist till Several yrs.ago.omg! Fits Him to a tee! So I'm 71 now with health issues.sure from my situation. stress l ea plus finances. Take care your health so u can leave

[@alakeugbelase2398]

I never knew such a word existed. This my husband to a T. God help me.

[@newearth4071]

GOOD LUCK, WISHING YOU THE BEST EXIT WAY FROM THIS TOXIC RELATIONSHIP BEFORE IT DOES MORE HARM TO YOUR HEALTH AND YOUR FINANCES & YOUR LIFE ALL TOGETHER 🤲🤲🤲🤲🤲🤲

[@maryibanda6018]

@@alakeugbelase2398 mine too

[@latebloomer1330]

Me too

[@teresarobinson8050]

I had a stroke in 2019. My exhusband tried to spend all the money we had. He did not take care of me anything I needed my children did for me. He is cunning baffling and insidious! He has done nothing for any of our children. He didn’t work fo years and walked around with my debit card in his wallet. He is not only a narcissist, he is a DMS diagnosed narcissist. These people will absolutely ruin your finances and your life. Run and don’t look back. Everything our Dr.Ramani is saying is the God awful truth about these people. My daughter always said he was good man as long as someone is watching!

[@adellemcneice6679]

Hope you are doing ok.

[@DH-zz6dl]

Every time I would receive large amounts of money that’s when my ex partner would start saying things like “if we don’t get a larger apartment then I am leaving” and in return I drained 5k to make them happy and in the end they would leave me once my money dried up trying to juggle life and their bad money management. I went from a 809 credit score to a 550 in less then 5yrs. Watch out for the red flags 🚩

[@sellyourhomenowbook]

Now you say: "I don't want you to leave but if you feel you have to, I can't stop you." Always calculate all living expenses, try to buy a home, and do not exceed 35% for housing. You need savings for a rainy day.

[@kristannestone1748]

The financial abuse is the one thing that still haunts me, decades after divorse. It's hard.

[@LorrieIrbyJackson]

The narc I was married to lied about his paychecks, complained about paying expected bills and was happy to watch me pay for everything. I actually had more money after I divorced him and received child support ☺️

[@makumbuko]

mine wasted thousands on solicitors, none of it was her money... all my hard work.. I had remortgage my home, she took my sons savings too left us back to square one

[@jaimiefuller2032]

My ex kept me broke for 5 years straight, stupidly that was the one area of abuse that I was aware of from the beginning, yet had I ever stopped giving my ex the benefit of the doubt (that I never received in any area) I likely would have connected the dots in other areas a long time before I was a spiralling mess headed towards self deletion convinced that I was the problem and not her.

[@debbiegreen3239]

My soon to be ex would take money from his sons account. I never gave in too him getting control of my bank account but he kelt asking me for more money to be put into the joint acct. I refused and with that came severe anger

[@debbiegreen3239]

till this day he wants me to come back for financial reasons claiming we would both do better financially. I’m not going back and living like that. Thank you for your videos it’s helping me.

[@erikahaynes5007]

The strings that are attached to a narcissistic gifts are not worth the gift. They do one nice thing for you one time and you owe them endlessly for the rest of your life. Funny but if you pick up the tab or give them a nice present, they'll never remember it, but if they did it for you once, 20 years ago, you owe them FOREVER.

[@jent6476]

omggg so true. all those strings.

[@Desireanavarro]

The strings oh my god this

[@karenmaloney4085]

That's so true.....been there done that.

[@ericameyerchandelieralves]

Yup. Sounds about right. 💅 🔨

[@marym7394]

35:05 About those "strings" attached to anything they give you... with my dad, it was more like steel cables.

[@heatherkarow8399]

Thank you for this video. My ex told me he’d put $100,000 down on the house we bought together. I put down $45000 & spent $45000 on things we needed. So, I called him out on it. He had a speed boat, 2 snow mobile, cabin & as soon as we got the Covid money $1200 I bought a pod, got an attorney & I got $68000 back. I hate him! I’m on disability.

[@slaychildhoodmoneyscripts]

Good on you!

[@TheLaurenspomer]

Dr. Ramani, you can never know how much your videos have helped me to face, finally, and (begin to) understand what's happened to my life. At 60 years old, it's unnerving to realize how much time I've given -- and lost -- in this relationship with my mother. The immeasurable and devastating impact to everything I've ever dreamed, hoped, thought, done and AM is something I will be unraveling for some time... likely for the rest of my days. You cover aspects of this that have baffled and drained me for decades, never made sense... and in all those small nooks and crannies, I realize, those are additional areas where I simply took them upon myself, believing I was to blame. I wish my mother's life could be a case study and that her brain could be studied after her death. This is the true epidemic of our time as its effects are so insidious, so relationally vast and complex and ultimately, generational, reaching far into a future, and into lives that haven't even been contemplated yet. Thank you for all you do. God bless you and may God have mercy on all who suffer and struggle in the bondage of NPD.

[@nehaarora6040]

So happy how the length and breadth of this has been seen, finally, it’s start of the turning of tide.

[@janetduncan3243]

My vision of my husband, at the end, will be an old man, sitting in a corner, scratching his balls and counting nickels. You’re right on. Should have left 30 yrs ago, now it’s 57.

[@somethinginteresting2202]

So true….. I can see 150 yrs history of my tender hearted, hard working relatives ALL prey to narcissistic partners …. I only hope my dearest family can understand and secure fair, supportive and loving partners.

[@aprilbuckner7131]

I am left with nothing... a drained bank account and even more drained mentally by the emotional damage he has done over the past 9 years. One day, I will find myself again 🙏💚

[@SophieBird07]

You will. Not overnight. But you will get there. Keep the strength.

[@T6706K]

I understand this perfectly and I’m sorry your feeling it too.

[@gracypereira315]

I am into it for 29 years already. By God's strength and wisdom,I balance the situation. Ignoring and not giving in most of the time. Prayers help.

[@missffinley]

Sending you 💕 love

[@bosscham72]

this is me

[@makaylahollywood3677]

"How dare you think you're worth spending that on yourself".

[@olgakim4848]

My narc sister would always ask after I’ve bought a new pair of new shoes or whatever: “How much was it?” Then would usually make fun of it and think it was funny in her twisted, childish mind. I know people ask all the time how much you spent on a brand new shiny toy, but generally out of pure curiosity. Not to get a chance at showing you their smug and obnoxious disapproval and judgment. I said to myself next time I’m gonna call her out on her stupid, petty BS. But there won’t be a next time, if I can help it, because I finally have had ENOUGH of her toxic garbage and will never, ever speak to or lay my poor eyes on that psychopath again. Best wishes.

[@amarbyrd2520]

Literally this. Coupled with "Do you really think you're worth that?" if you try to earn a decent salary for yourself

[@MidwestMoney]

Even though YOU are the one who earned it! If that isn't mental illness I don't know what is...

[@jaicmarie]

I can’t imagine having a narcissist for a spouse, at least for more years than what it takes to figure it out. I have a person in my life that absolutely fits this bill. The money issue is so crazy. Its so weird. I’m too the point of being relieved that I can say no to the crazy. I live in a small town and fear badmouthing by this person, because they have so many people fooled. I have a business and I could see them really gaslighting my business. I’ve kept this to myself for a long time, it feels great just to barf this out.

[@NotTheEx]

I am here because one single narcissistic millionaire is controlling and tormenting my entire church family right now. I just exposed him recently and we are all in turmoil, of course, I'm the outcast at the moment, deeply hurt and suffering silently. Your videos are helping me tremendously, giving me tools to deal with this person and his flying monkeys, helping me to hold on and hold out, keep the faith.😊❤

[@ashlauren2301]

Narcissists in the church are such a problem. Dealing with a narcissistic leader in my church now.

[@NotTheEx]

@@ashlauren2301 It becomes a little easier once we know what we're dealing with, but it's still painful. I pray things get better for both of our churches.

[@Clarevegas15]

My narc has ruined my name. Lied through her teeth. Not a single Xmas card from any of our family. Non of the friends that usually send me a card.

[@chrissierestall5952]

We also have a problem in our church… we’re being gaslit now after confronted with unbiblical sermons, and so now anyone who has left or has spoken up is a ‘backslider’, and we’re sinning if we say anything against the pastor. It’s bizarre and heartbreaking because his greed has literally destroyed the church.

[@Earthether]

“They won’t change and you can’t win”

[@KishorSharmaExploringLife]

You can win in some cases with some relations, may be

[@joek4016]

Narcissists by nature are users and takers who feel endlessly entitled. So if they arent in the position to control you with thier money, rest assured they will be trying to take yours.

[@latenitetubing]

Ooof this comment hit home for me!

[@rachelshaw____]

Absolute truth!

[@josieaguilera2732]

You described the last 12yrs of my life. I'm finally leaving for the last & final time but of course he's making it extremely difficult. If you come across a Narcissist please run for your life ‼️

[@Jesusfollower239]

How's your new life? Did you get out? I ask because I'm leaving after 11 yrs and he's not making it easy for me either. Your comment stuck out to me.

[@slaychildhoodmoneyscripts]

I have only seen people gain financial independence AFTER leaving a narcissist. Emotionally and mentally healthier too, even medical issues that needed medication, all went away. You SAVE money by merely being away, remember this. Good luck!

[@Jesusfollower239]

Yeah I had no idea how bad the financial part of this was. I had to open a secret bank account to be able to save up to get out with the raise that I didn't tell him about. I've already saved up enough to get out (end of this month) The healing has been going well with the help of the ultimate healer Lord Jesus. W/O Him I'm not sure how I could've gotten this far

[@slaychildhoodmoneyscripts]

Amen, good on you! I'm a person of faith too and it never fails me. @@Jesusfollower239

[@serena1261]

You are a brilliant brilliant woman. I cannot tell you how much I appreciate your professional support here. Thank You for sharing what you do. It is helping me get through a 27 year old abusive relationship. God Bless You.

[@mrvocal21]

They tend to be very impulsive, always. So, they spend money impulsively too.

[@FayAlexGG]

Spending your money they money the neighbors money they grandma's money and money they do not have

[@dandreadyson2267]

Yes, Lord! TOUCHE!

[@pavanatanaya]

Any expression of accomplishment will be discounted. No matter how humble the target, there is always room for humiliation by the narcissist.

[@kingbee9778]

Right out of their playbook, this is one of the golden rules of narcissism and you have worded it perfectly!

[@amandafevrier5497]

I see 👀

[@gco21]

So true. I have lived this for over a decade. The bigger the accomplishment, the harder I was taken down. It didn’t matter if it was professional or personal. The only thing that was ever celebrated was a change in income, and that money was usually spent before it even hit our bank account.

[@ashleyleigh28]

Thank you Dr Ramani for your entire series on narcissism. At 33 years old, I finally understand why my father has been so cruel and miserly all my life. I now know that he is a narcissistic, and I now know how to manage his lies and set boundaries and appropriate consequences with him.

[@marynieves7111]

You are so correct. Incredibly spot on. I’m stuck w my narcissistic abusive husband because of our daughter & I’m disabled. But 20 years. I’m soooo done. He has also brainwashed our daughter. Thank you

[@kirbywaite1586]

I believe they rid themselves of their own subconscious guilt by making other people feel guilty.

[@bigantinsd]

This is insightful!

[@adriennedouke1880]

And lonely, and hateful, and anxiety ridden....It's called projection. They dump all their bad character traits on us,they exchange their character defects for our good values and right living. It's truly the weirdest thing.

[@neiljesus7131]

I learned that everything a narcissist gives is transactional...for control and abuse. Love, emotional support, gifts, loans (even if paid back in full) given, is conditional. Your reciprication and genuine gratitude is not enough. They are not truly generous. My relationship with my mother became so unhealthy, I would refuse offers of food from her. I knew that there would price that would be paid later.

[@user56gghtf]

Yep it's worse than a credit card with a high interest rate.

[@joanncraft8682]

You're so right about the money. They get offended when you ask them for the money they borrowed from you. Best practice , never loan them anything. My son is a narcissist, who married a narcissist... i feel very vindicated every time i think about the punishment they inflict on each other. When you learn who you are dealing with, it places you ahead of the game. They only ask me for money as their last results....i still say no to them every time. They get angry but that's okay with me

[@sellyourhomenowbook]

The wicked borrow and do not repay. The book of Proverbs in the bible.

[@RonSafreed]

I heard it said that if both spouses are narcissists, they "fight like hell with each other"??

[@joannewood6566]

This is what my family did to me. I was wanting a job at 15 and my dad made me work for him. He was paid $200/hr and I was paid $5/hr (say below min wage) with no overtime. I was forced to work the equivalent of three full time jobs (5am-11pm 7 days a week). I also had to do all the chores (2 hours after school and all day on weekends) since I was 5, saying they were putting money aside for college for the work I did. But when I was old enough to go to college, they didn’t give it to me but they paid for their friends daughters full university degree ( who did no work for them ever). My sister also forced me (she used to control me by guilt and rage) to go to help her for a week. I had to aid a week off work, pay the ferry, take 10 hour commute to help her. It was a remote place, I didn’t have a car and she forced me to stay there for 6months and made me work for 15 hrs a day and said she couldn’t afford to pay me. She was off to Hawaii twice a year and bought a second house though. My parents took her side and are angry because I had to cut her off.

[@joannewood6566]

And after I did all that work for my parents, they left me on the street at 15…. Homeless. While they had a house on the water with a taught and lived in luxury. Everyone took there side because everyone thinks those with money are always right.

[@nightmares2night77]

The fact that u were expecting overtime working for ur dad at 15 is a joke by itself😂

[@sunkencubeoctahedron7844]

I'm so sorry

[@fan4life345]

Holy shit

[@user56gghtf]

God loves you and he will always make a way. In the end you win. They don't get away with what they did or do

[@leighwilliams4599]

They absolutely refuse to pay you back because you "owe them". Then they spout off a list of all the things they believe you owe them for, even if you are the one that had to purchase the item. They NEVER remember ever owing you anything, but you will always owe them. I am sure this is a frustratingly very "salt in your wound" subject for most people that have to deal with this issue.

[@k.h.307]

I borrowed $70 and paid back $60 but he came at me when we broke up for all $70. I said NO NO HONEY, and listed how I paid him back all but $10. I said you'll get it by Nov 30. I'm sending it certified mail so he has to sign or pick it up!

[@user-rz4xi2qc5e]

Oh my goodness. I knew I was being run over by train. I have so many stories to tell. But I feel vindicated. If I bought something new in the house he would say " you have some money" like I shouldn't spend any money I could give him more on bills while he hangs out and buys cases of beers and smokes with his friends each week. I kinda added his beer purchase to about $125 week. He would turn aside when he went in his wallet to pay. He was a true nightmare. Everything was an issue with him and I mean everything. We could never discuss anything at all.

[@northernfox6420]

Exactly. Selective remembering. They remember what they bought, but will ignore, forget or devalue your contributions.

[@adriennedouke1880]

The endless sacrifices he made, the victim-martyr complex. Insufferable thinking.

[@antoa5825]

I've had the great misfortune of being surrounded by narcissists my whole life (my mother, older brother, aunt and uncle, father in-law, and brother in law). EVERYTHING that Dr. Ramani has stated is 💯% true. The one thing she didn't cover is when the narc goes broke and there is the expectation that you will take care of them because they are family. This is the case with my mother, who blew through more than a million dollars over 10 years, and is now sick and broke and expecting us, her grown children, to pay for her care. A total s**t show from start to finish.

[@deawallace3584]

You are right! I have evil narcs as family and exes. Narcs also ACT broke when they may have tons of money stashed in accounts that they keep secret. Their reality is never real, and we feel guilty for questioning them

[@HahaT634]

Damn !

[@alexbaird2670]

The EXACT same thing happened to me. The situation ALMOST killed me, and I'm still in therapy after 5 yrs (and counting).... I'd be rich if it wasn't for years of therapy and other kinds of therapy due to PTSD and GAD.

[@ameliaannhouck2670]

as my cautionary tale, do not help her , she will literally take every penny you have for herself and could care less about you and your family and children's needs so do not give her a penny !! she is getting her just desserts ! and she can sell all of her crap ! but do not give her any help, I got caught in this for 10 years and then was left out of the will , what a bitch she was and my so called father , so just tell her to fff off and sell her precious things instead but do not help , why? she would not help you ever , did she ever?? my mother did not , what a mean nasty person and never a thank you or never love you, so fff them !

[@sanetgeyser7150]

Exact same is happening to me! I can literally feel what you say and I have no way to stop it.

[@marci7635]

Yes, lived this for 20 years! My narcissist withheld money and HID money. If I asked him to help pay for something, he would either rage or say he would reimburse me - that NEVER happened!! Money inequity is a REAL thing.

[@elveaarjelsaemie]

This is the most healing, validating thing on narcissism I've learned from ... this is the area I've been the most hurt. Money is power, indeed.

[@rashmika9742]

It has been harrowing to see my narcissistic mother spend money on designer items for herself while allowing my sister and me to go without socks and underwear. My biggest goal is financial independence, and no contact with my narcissistic mother.

[@karolina7067]

Same. My mom spent all the household money for designer bags, while the fridge was empty and there was nothing to eat for my siblings and me 🤦

[@terrijones1167]

Same. I had cheap school uniform and shoes......no gloves boots or hat for winter....I had no other clothes to mention. I was 15. My mother's wardrobe was full to busting all expensive brands. I had to walk 2 miles each way to school because she 'could not afford bus fare for me only golden child sister. It gets worse. No sanitary protection, no bra, not even a decent toothbrush. No dentist no doctor when I was sick I just had to deal with it on my own. Interestingly tho she quite literally 'stole my childhood and yet was always accusing people for stealing from her. I hate her.

[@belindabryce8882]

My mother use to buy designer clothes also for my sister. One day I plucked up the courage to ask why I was bought secondhand clothes and my sister designer clothes, she said "because she asks for them, you never do". I highly suspect it was because I was my father's favourite and after her divorce she was punishing me for being so.

[@ashblue537]

I have a cruel narc mother and half sister. I removed them from my life 8 yrs ago. They are evil. Stay strong, you are not alone. 🙏

[@phoenixrailfan7956]

I would say “FOAD”

[@rosesilveira344]

An old boyfriend criticized me for buying a shirt.1st I paid for. 2nd I worked for it.3rd. It cost less than $10. 4th It was none of his business. I was taken by surprised. I bluntly told him he didn't pay for & stay out of my business. He was quiet. You are right. He was stingy. Never bought me anything for my birthday, Xmas,anniversary. God forbid it if I forgot his birthday. I was always on the back burner or an after thought. Glad he's out of my life.

[@rosesilveira344]

They ARE cheap. A narcissist ex friend earns $78k, has no bills., shops at "Cheap Charlie's" & complains about over playing. Will buy $100 dresses for an event, hide the tags, then return them & get her money refunded. Cheap to the max.

[@ufuomat3295]

Good 👍

[@jangandy1709]

I was bought a washing machine for my birthday.

[@athomewithrobin292]

Same. My husband(sperated) complained how much money I spent, but I took care of pur children without a dime from him, I paid my bills and took care of everything. I couldn't understand why he made comments about me spending on treating myself to things when it had nothing to do with him. He actually didn't even pay childsupport or help me at all. Why did he care?

[@MikeRock-eg7it]

As terrible as it is to have been married to a narc for over 20 years it's even more painful to see the affects it has had on our children. My one son is now a narc as well. For me letting go of a narc husband is easier than letting go of a narc son because I feel responsible for him. I know I have to let go because I know I'm being used and its crushing me. As hard as I try I can't change him. I'm tired of being used and it breaks my heart to see him putting everyone down, including myself, to make him seem great.

[@beyondlifedeathwithjadenje1146]

When my disabled son passed away , my narcissistic mother put a jar on her countertop at work to gain sympathy and make money. She collected money on my sons death for a month after his funeral and when I confronted her she lied about it and kept the money 😮

[@susanjolliff5356]

I’m sorry you had to experience this. 💔

[@Klearhead]

My narcissistic ex-husband was very bad with money and finances. After we separated the first time and then got back together, he tried to pressure me to have a joint bank account again, which I refused to do. He was very angry because he couldn't have access to my earnings. When we had one, he spent all the money, and I didn't have enough to buy clothes or even pantyhose for work.

[@realvibes48]

Ex husband same character

[@ganymeade5151]

Happy to hear you escaped that awful relationship. You deserve better.

[@sayno2672]

YES YES YES! They are generous in the public! I have seen that many times.

[@stephaniem8620]

I can't stand my husband, and don't know what to do. He's all the things that you say a narcissist is. HELP

[@mu7095]

Thank you , very enlightening. I thought I was alone in dealing with one. I was gaslighted, manipulated, made to feel completely mad. No one believed me. Now I understand they exist, are very real, and I am not the only person having to deal with this. Knowing it is a disorder on their part, helped me regain my own self worth. I pity them and pray for them now.

[@sableempire9654]

Yep. I left a surgeon and father of my kids who earns over $AU800K a year when he said “$300 a week is too much to spend on groceries each week”. Refused to give me a budget. Cut off the credit card. Definitely 2 rules. So much happier without him.

[@Desireanavarro]

My ex would do this… exhausting

[@karenmaloney4085]

Good job 🎉

[@RonSafreed]

Betcha that MD surgeon has golden patients, scapegoat patients & invisible patients!! So money for you & the kids is too much to eat on but he probably eats in high-class restaurants & complain of the baloney & peanut-butter & jelly sandwiches you & the kids eat at home??

[@AM-uy4sb]

The golden rule is you can't win. Well said and 100% true.

[@ganymeade5151]

Narcissists always change the story and twist the truth to their favor. They always falsely accuse and blame others. They will intimidate you; threaten you; ruin your reputation, and gaslight you. Some are dangerous and harm and kill. Jail is full of narcissists.

[@lotti9576]

My mother never wanted to buy me clothes as a child. But it dawned on me that i remember that she always looked good. The only way i usually had money was from bday or Christmas gifts so i would usually buy a piece of clothing. I always felt guilty when i would show her even if i tried nit too. She would be disinterested and silent treatment with "humf". I still to this day have guilt when i buy clothes for myself and i find it very stressful. She always gifts money and gifts then pleds poverty.

[@anathimzolo3541]

Literally going through the same thing dawg... tragic

This is all so true. My narcissist ex-wife just received an inheritance check from her mother's death. And everything the Doctor is talking about as being done.

[@alessandrasaenz72]

Everything you've said is so true. I'll never forget you saying we're screwed when we are economically dependent on them. Thank you for talking about and addressing this issue.

[@coffeegirl6854]

"Financial Abuse" it is a very real thing.

[@rochelledenise3426]

I moved my terminally ill father in with me because he could no longer take care of himself. Needless to say it has turned my world upside down and has been incredibly difficult. He has said and believes I’m doing this for his money, which is laughable because he has next to nothing. How sad is it that they never trust that someone might be doing something out of the goodness of their heart, because that is not how they operate. 💔

[@LilyOfTheTower]

I would *never have dreamed* my sister would be so disgusting while our father was passing away. She started a go fund me account in his name, then started taking money out to treat herself ("afterall the money was there because of her") She bought herself a plane ticket, eating out at restaurants, groceries... etc. And it was a shouting match to get the rest of the money to actually give it to my soon to be widowed mother. I felt nauseous every single day. To this day, she still tries to get his vehicle, watch and anything else of value. I sometimes wish I didn't have a sister.

[@patsy8277]

Oh you said it exactly how I feel. Only our mom passes away 13 years ago and my dad is 93 and not doing well at all! She has my relatives and friends believing I’m the bad one and she’s the good daughter. I know about the money the savings account she kept when my Mom died. I don’t think my Dad even knows about it. Her husband asked her dose your sister know about the money??? I would love to tell him YES I know about the Money! But it will come out in the end… it’s just so sad that she takes advantage of my dads failing mind. She plays that card all the time. It’s so sad .

[@slaychildhoodmoneyscripts]

Woah, typical narcissist but oh so shockingly

[@LandoCalrissian-bz8cb]

I’ve been dealing with this for 12 years. After watching and understanding what it is, I know how to move forward

[@amandalangston188]

Spot on. My STBX encouraged me to me a SAHM for 14 years. When I decided to try and work, he found ways to sabotage my success and made me feel guilty about not being “available” to our daughter. I went back to work FT two years ago. It has been the best decision. I’m on track to make more money than he does in 5 years. He has constantly told me that I can’t do it and Put me down. As soon as I get my next pay raise, I am leaving. I want to financially well enough to do it all on my own. I just want to walk away and be done.

[@lynnebucher6537]

I hope you have a separate bank account that your husband has NO access to so he can't sabotage your ability to leave.

[@amandalangston188]

@@lynnebucher6537 we have a joint account and also separate accounts. I did this as soon as I started working.

[@juliarussellkautt4748]

I’m in a similar situation.

[@olgasantoro-tf9ib]

Criticizing my spending… Yes Feeling entitled to money… Definitely yes It’s a big mess You are so right doctor

[@ianthomasmoran7595]

True "what's yours is mine & what's mine is yours" & "everything is our shared money"

[@Langolin1998]

This is my ex….always willing to pick up the tab at family outings, spend money like water at convenient stores, home depot, and even randomly pay for people’s tabs (mostly women), at restaurants. He’d just tell our waitress that he was paying for some stranger’s tab. It was bizarre! But if I wanted to get anything…for example, a $12.00 Christmas wreath for our door, I got reprimanded for wanting it. Like a parent reprimanding a child. He had zero ability to manage money. I took care of all the actual bills and got him out of debt, yet he would try to suddenly act all responsible when it came to me needing or wanting something. It was insanely frustrating! I’m so glad I’m out of that situation and my money is my own to do with how I want. And am in a much better situation than with that hot mess! He couldn’t hold a job, to save his life either. At over 50 years old, he’s got zero savings and had high paying jobs as a nurse. They cannot manage money, much less, their lives!

[@lynnet2044]

Dr. Ramani you sound like you lived this. How can you possible know every nuance about this topic? It’s truly incredible. I planned for my divorce 5 years before I filed. My attorney guided me on copying financial documents, account info, saving tax returns, you name it. I was prepared. And, my narc knew it so he had no choice but to cooperate. I highly recommend getting in front of this process for anyone who is struggling in a marriage with a narc. I also boxed up all my family photo albums and videos and put them in a storage unit. Those were my most valuable items. 👍

[@1ACL]

Smart!!

[@ciaomamabella]

I’m doing this right now!!! 👏 my covert narc of 12 years is pulling this on me but he signed a cohabitation document which states our agreement. If he violates it, I’ll take him to court to get palimony. He knows I will to. I think it’s the only thing that’s saving me bc he’s covert. He’d never want ppl or his family to find out how much of a selfish and greedy person he really is! But srsly this is excellent advice you give. If you can get on top of a narc with some kind of legality it does help.

[@danae-rain3019]

I had an ex destroy all my family photos when he was angry that I was preparing to leave. I wish i had stored them where he couldn't reach them. I have very few photos of myself before adulthood now.

[@angiehayes7397]

​@@ciaomamabella cohabitation document? Interesting & I would love more info. After 31yrs, I'm finally done but completely financially dependent on my husband. Got any good resources for me to look into?

[@MP-nm9df]

The timing of this video upload is incredible. My husband of 30 years owns a business and hasn’t deposited his pay check for the past 10 months because I took early retirement and I need a hip replacement. He completely resents the fact that he’s the only one paying the bills. Of course there were red flags for many years back but this tactic is forcing me to finally talk to a lawyer. I just hope I can find one that has a minute inclination about narcissistic psychopaths.

[@glorialist7196]

Yes, my husband had double standards about money and controlled the narrative of our money and shame and judge me in a very convert privately way when I purchased an item. And he is generous when he is in public and will pay the entire bill when we are out with family and friends. He continues to posture this behavior as long as I have known him now I know why.

[@juliek7477]

My husband does this too! Exactly!

[@neemast4365]

Yup....I'm in a relationship with a covert (I think vulnerable) narcissist. The relationship with money is complicated and is a trap. He's, not excessive in spending for himself, hes frugal and tends to spend on "spotlight gifts" for me. I'm working on healing my core wound so I will stop this unhealthy relationship pattern. You hit it right on, relationship with money is complicated. Yes, he won't change, and, yes, I can't win except by seriously disengaging and getting out. Thanks for the videos.

[@leahl447]

Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes! Yes!! 🤦🏻‍♀️ Oh how I needed to hear this!! After 46 years I am always made to feel guilty for my spouses so called “gifts”! When the reality always was, he gave to supply his ego not out of love!! 😢 All you say is absolutely 💯 truth!! Oh what a scary proposition living with this madness!! 😮Thank you Dr. Ramani, for freeing my soul, and being the blessing we all need! ❤

[@lynzb7750]

My Mum is a textbook example of a Narcissist. Growing up, I would constantly have to ask for new clothes, food for a packed lunch or money for a school trip. Every time I asked to have my basic needs met, which was only half the time, it was always "I'm not made of money!!". Or the occassional, "You are so ungrateful!!!". It got so bad, I was being bullied for wearing clothes with holes and my teachers would get angry because I was not in full uniform. Adults would tell me I looked "peely-whalley" (pale & sickly), as I was not eating a healthy diet, due to my Mum to providing adequate food for school. At the same time, my Mum spent £100s a month on clothes, jewellery and accessories for herself. She is still as selfish as ever and has a major shopping addiction. I am no contact with her now and the last I heard, my Mum is nearly completely broke due to her spending habits. What goes around, comes around.

[@cyndimarie9394]

Sounds just like my life

[@Barbara-tw2pb]

@@cyndimarie9394. And. Mine.

[@cara6132]

I totally relate to this

[@Christal101]

my mom killed my sister but sued the hospital! she tried to get me to plagiarize my sisters signature 2 days after she died, the room was rented,,her clothes thrown away like garbage, she even said she was ashamed having a ugly child and would hide her in the back..beat her like a flying ragdoll .she died in my arms,and sngels,took her, so she's,in heaven my mom is,90 and she won't have me around,ever again

[@Barbara-tw2pb]

@@Christal101 Because you are a witness to her bad behaviour

[@jenein6985]

About loaning money to the narcissist. When we broke up (when he discarded me) I asked that he pay me back 'cause I don't want any reason for us to talk again. I just wanted to cut him off entirely so I could finally heal. This is what he said: "It was your choice to loan me money, and now you're harassing me to pay you?" Wow. Just, wow. Down to the very last moment we talked, he never failed to put the blame on me.

[@cynthiaruby6985]

Take him to court.

[@farzanatarana4876]

The audacity

[@britishkashmiri169]

My hubby moaned that his late father is demanding money from him which isn’t his and that he is struggling so I lent him large sum to pay his father. Few years later , I needed that money and I asked for it , he lost his mind. Called me every name under the sun but I didn’t back off and insisted he pay me back. He did , withdrew the money in one sum and threw it at my face and then proceeded to withdraw all physical contact for over a year as punishment. Later when he moved out to move back in with his first cousin wife ( whom he swore was his past ) I found out he had used the money to build her extension. When he left , he took all his gift , clothes , shoes etc I gave him but insisted on taking back a cheap engagement and wedding band he bought me back, they have no moral or shame.

[@Dbb27]

Just ride on. It was probably worth every penny to get rid of him! 😅

[@msmaluu]

Omg!!! Do they have a txt book???? I got the same exact response!!!!

[@user-si8fz9fp3y]

All of this is spot ON! I felt confused by the switch to miserliness. The demand to put her name on my mortgage- glad I didn’t, but tantrums and meanness ensued. Didn’t make sense…the shaming, accusations and sulkiness. Never appreciating what I brought to the relationship- even though I knew my worth, always. I drew my boundaries, was consequent when they were disrespected- and I always valued myself. STILL- took me 3 years to see it all. Thank GOD I’m OUT! Am clear and relieved and loving the peacefulness. Thank you Dr. Ramani- such amazing work you do here. ✨❤️❤️❤️✨✨

[@user-cl7gi4sj2q]

It seams like you’re describing my husband. He’s always paying for his friends at expensive restaurants, even if he ends up broke!!

[@brookemcconnell8364]

Can you please do a full series on the post-divorce relationship with a narcissist and co-parent? Would love to hear your take/advice on finances, coercive control of kids, triangulation of kids, ignoring court orders, etc.

[@citigirlcountrified1927]

Great idea

[@Questionablexfun]

This this this- so many of us need this.

[@vivianramsay2527]

Omg! My son is going thru h--l with his ex -narc wife!! She keeps pulling him into court over and over and has alienated the children from him! Can't believe the fake drama scenes she keeps pulling! I saw the judge roll his eyes ! No matter the outcome she files something else!

[@judahalicem]

Yes please 🙏

[@Binny2014]

Desperately need this.

[@lbromo6607]

Dr.Ramani, I wish I knew all this information 25 + years ago! Thank you for explaining this money aspect. 100% behavior I saw in my ex narcissistic husband and his family. Never took his family on vacation but hid spending thousands of dollars on his hobbies and guns. I once asked for some money to buy clothes for our children and he told me that ‘ I should spend my money ( I worked part time down from full time to raise our children) on my hobbies (our children) and he would spend his money on his hobbies.’ How sick he called our children ‘my hobbies!’ I would have divorced him at that time if I had the knowledge I just learned in this video. I just thought he was a mean sob!

[@brianb7869]

I second that

[@mphok750]

I'd swear you took a page out of my book 😱.. that's exactly my experience. His money but what he likes, mine is for the household

[@jezebelproudfoot4976]

That’s my dad to a T! He spent thousands on his toys: guns, a new computer when invented ($5k in 1981), a new VCR when they first came out ($2K), etc, etc. I had to beg to get a new pair of shoes that were $40. I wore them until they had huge holes in the bottoms and I heard about it for DECADES! He refused to let us join clubs, get tutoring for classes, buy us school clothes when we outgrew them. I’m not entitled, but when you see your friends’ parents doing what they could for their kids w less, you really noticed the lack of support & basic respect in your own home. When I tried to go to college, he sabbotaged me by lying that he wd help me but never cooperating in the application process. He bought himself a brand new truck though after saying he wdn’t “waste” the $ on my tuition. It was $35,000 in 1986. My tuition for 4 yrs wd have a been a fraction of that. He kept telling me I wd have failed, but HE’S the one who flunked out of college.

[@HahaT634]

@@jezebelproudfoot4976 hope you are in a better place financially. This is so similar to my dad’s behaviour. Always spending on his self even though the family goes without.

[@ggbouvier9897]

@@jezebelproudfoot4976 I hope you ignored him and got financial aid to go to college. What it is is they want you to be small so you are not a threat to them. My friends said it was jealousy and I couldn’t wrap my head around this. Now years later through deductive reasoning, I see that this is true. This realization literally makes me sick.🤮 If you didn’t go to college, it is never too late to start. I hope life recompenses you for all those lean years. Sending you love my sister.😊

[@k.h.307]

So much truth!!! I was "horrible" with money but he was spending it left and right and he was AWFUL when he felt he didn't have enough. I'm so glad he's out of my life. I hope others get out safely too.

[@rachelwashington1774]

Gm, we all have to be patient in life.@hope for the best.

[@DavidFuller2036]

Doctor Ramani your lecturs are crystal clear. You are the perfect professora for me. I am 70 years young. But I am realizing that I grew up in a Narcissistic family. I need to be free of the symtoms, And become myself. You are helping me a lot. I love you, thank you so much for your dedication.

[@AppliedMathematician]

Also in family relationships expect to be sabotaged in your career or anything that could make you richer then them. You being financial independent threatens their narcissistic supply. Having a certain narcissistic kind of wealthy parent dooms you to be unsuccessful.

[@FM-em4nm]

100 % correct. I have suffered in this manner.

[@brendaplunkett8659]

Yup, torpedoed my masters program at every turn.

[@FM-em4nm]

@Pyaariji sister u r not alone. Seriously it seemed u r narrating my story.

[@lucialuciferion6720]

Yup. This 100%.

[@daniele5493]

Yes, I'm going through all this now with my husband controlling everything. And I'm trying to get out now me and my son safely.

[@michelleshoffner7976]

Got a job? Got a vehicle in your own name? If yes to both. Butter him up, get sleazy if ya got to, so he'll drop his guard, slowly organize yours and your son's belongings for easy fast access (kinda like a go bag or bug out bag) only take half the cash you have, calculate your best time to leave. I recommend at/during an event they love or a holiday so they're distracted, get your stuff, get important papers, bank account info, asset proof, insurance papers, marriage license, photos.... anything you'll need to start over and grab your pets and child and GTFO don't go to a predictable person for refuge. If nothing else go to your local Goodwill or thrift shop or reputable church leader, they may know of public resources you may not have known about. But once you leave that way, do not return for any reason. That's when it goes from uncomfortable or stressful to pure dangerous with a narcissist.

[@latebloomer1330]

People don't realize how much more complicated it is when you have kids with the person, they use and try to manipulate them to help control you. It's like you'll just have to completely cut that person off, and then you'll be judged by others and maybe even your kids for keeping the father away. But do get out, you will so enjoy your freedom and your life will get better when he's out of the picture. do what ever you have to do, blindside him leave quickly with hardly anything, domestic v. Shelters help tremendously

[@rondadepenbusch8152]

Make yourself a plan & get out .

[@k.h.307]

I hope you're doing better and got out!

[@lisahilton8842]

Truth! He always said we were broke while he was hiding money!

[@maryshkamiceli8388]

Spending on mistresses came first. Somewhere down the list were household and marital expenses.

[@awakened9906]

Their sense of entitlement to OTHER'S ressources is also very odd. Somehow, it's our duty to maintain their lifestyle and when we refuse, we ironically get threats involving money, such as being removed from a will for example. It makes no sense.

[@alexisrapoza5103]

my narc parents were financially abusive. They used me and my sister's SSN to open accounts in our name. They stole money from us and when confronted about it they threw it in our faces and called us ungrateful. My mother was convicted of writing fraudulent checks, not paying her employees and embezzling thousands of dollars, and still to this day, 9 years later, believes she's a victim.

[@user56gghtf]

🥺💕🧸 I hope things have cleared up on you and your sister's records

[@joenapoli2473]

These videos I stumbled upon are INCREDIBLE! Question....what if I'm married to someone who dilberately lies yet will argue until the cows come home that she's telling the truth. For example (every single time I ask ANY question): "Like I said, like I told you, again, like I told you the other day, night, week, month........" And 99% of the time, she never told me but because she has to be right all the time, has to have the last word and never be wrong, she'll even tell you you're not listening even though she never told you what you're asking about. Guess who's OVER IT ALL? This guy!

[@Nebulousss]

My ex bf would get mad at me for "wasting *our* money". I told him countless times that *my* money wasn't *his* money, that I could spend it as I wanted to. He would insist that he needed me to save MORE money because we needed it to pay for our own house and for our hypothetical future children. I can't be more relieved that we didn't have kids in our 13 years long relationship...

[@janetadam1244]

If you don;t make a big enough deal, they will complain that you aren;t greatful enough and demand for thankfulness

[@KSouthworth]

My father, when I pointed out something he did that was hypocritical, brought out a list of every cent I owed him. When I was 12. He used it every time I had a point about his awful behaviour until I left his house. And he brought it up for years after. Imagine my surprise when I discovered other parents don’t do that. 😵‍💫

[@Flowersandshotguns]

Same!

[@bereal6590]

I confronted my elderly mom because I was trying to piece together my past because of something I'm going through now.... about abuse she didn't intervene in or protect me. I was asking kindly, trying to understand. Her answer a contemptuous I save up a whole year (the government money given for kids) to buy you special clothes and you didn't like them! I was like WOW!

[@MidwestMoney]

Great video! It's helping me cope with my narcissistic father. This is why I'm so obsessed with money today. When you're being shamed to spend a fraction of your OWN money that YOU made and only receive the bare minimum to survive.

[@truepeace3]

The stories I could tell of our daughter’s one year engagement to a flaming narcissist. Our first clue that he was trouble (we called him Bad News Bobby), was the first time we met him. We lived in sub-tropical Florida. It was in the middle of the afternoon, temps around 90. My husband and I are in the garage when they show up. He’s wearing a long sleeve button down shirt with cuff links…mind you, he dressed this way only to impress us. The only thing that impressed us were all the red flags flying over his head. 🚩🚩🚩🚩🚩He was a living nightmare. Broke our daughter financially, then threatened to kill her toward the end of their relationship. He was cheating on her too, of course. I never prayed so hard in my life as I did that year. Truly, the year from hell.

[@007nadineL]

What were the red flags ffs

[@truepeace3]

@@007nadineL On Valentines Day, which was shortly before we met him, he gave our daughter not one, but two large teddy bears and two bouquets of roses. That seemed like overkill. And he exuded an air of pompous arrogance. He complained when we went to the beach a month later that the sandwiches I made weren’t full enough for him. We were seeing less and less of our daughter, to the point where we hardly ever saw her anymore. Yet she only lived about eight minutes away. He wanted to keep her away from us, but they did all kinds of things with his family. The control issues were over the top. I knew something was wrong, but didn’t know the extent of it until November, when we began to learn the seriousness of their problems. It was two months of hell and terror till she finally broke up with him for good. I later learned that he was actually diagnosed with narcissism.

[@OneAdam12Adam]

Sounds like my life.

[@Ms.Clickie]

You hit it right on the nose

[@007nadineL]

@@truepeace3 thank u for sharing. What a nightmare !!!

[@sharonsalyer4912]

Just a little pet peeve. If a woman chooses to be a stay at home mom and she's doing her job correctly, she Is Working. Children although wonderful are exhausting little creatures who are always acting like "children". Please refer to a paying or traditional job instead of " not working". Thank you and keep up your great insights. You really show that you "get it".☺️

[@Flowersandshotguns]

Raising children is incredibly hard work- I know this and I don’t even have kids 😂

[@Harmonious-jm3sy]

Agreed. A legit stay at home Mom is the most important job there is.

[@amberdetwiler9786]

I agree. If you add up having to pay a nanny, housekeeper, cook, and a professional shopper .....no man could afford us!! 😊😆

[@TruthBeTold0914]

This. 🎯💯👏

[@latenitetubing]

Yes it is a JOB!

[@zarel200061]

I just found out my husband was a narcissist after he died, we were married for 18 years, I’m in shock, watching this video give me anxiety, i’m completely lost and depressed, I can’t believe I was so naive.😢😢

[@andua]

OMG, now I understand why I always thank people a 1000 times whe they do something good for me. 😮It's a pattern from my old relationship wich lasted for 34 years. Thank God I have found somebody who is equal to me. 🎉😊

[@Matriarch57]

I think this quote pretty much sums it up: “What's yours is mine and what's mine is my own.” At least that’s how I experienced it.

[@charityebel657]

Yep. Exactly.

[@Hatbox948]

Exactly.

[@kklock9057]

I helped pay for improvements on her house that not only made it a more comfortable home but also increased its value substantially. I co-purchased two cars with her with the titles in her name because I trusted her. She lived in my apartment rent free for two years, socking away money while I continued to pay my mortgage with the understanding that we would move to her house, our shared home, together. But when it came time to do that, I realized she had been making a secret plan to leave me. She is lying in the divorce, and I have just decided to walk away with nothing. It's been over two years, and I just need to move on with my life.

[@lisaosbourne-eden4576]

Wishing you peace and happiness. Be you and don’t let anyone change who you are for the worse, only for the better🙏

[@Dbb27]

Go slow in the future. It’s so easy to fall in with another narc. I took off of dating and just worked on myself until I felt healthy enough to see what a real relationship should look like. I was always painting red flags green. Be grateful you got out. Blessings.

[@mikevarnum842]

You're awesome. Thanks for the video! I'm dealing with a mother who was pretty much like what you described my whole life. She's 86 now and the brothers put the burden of caring for her on me. Now I found that her Dementia and delusions have amplified her narcissism sky high. Your videos have helped identify and informed me of the situational distress I'm currently dealing with. I'm a little upset that there is nothing to cure this however it's good to know how to deal with it. Thank you!

[@jayjellobean]

TYSM Dr. Ramani. I'm going through a lot of pain, letting go of the toxic narc, and this video REALLY helped refocus me to how gross his behavior was. I am a hippie that hates money and he would engage in the behaviors you mentioned. By remembering how much this turned me off, it helps me to not think about the things I am missing. Your examples of the "gross" behaviors remind me of my values and how he and his bullshit don't align with where I want to be in a relationship. Much love and healing wished to ALL!

[@angelaabner7622]

My ex narcissist agreed to let me get my tooth fixed by getting a $3,000 root canal. However for the next 4-6 months anytime he wanted something he would bring up the fact he didn't have the money to do it because he had to fix my tooth with our money.