Ways to stop obsessing over men fancying you. *Bye-bye male validation, hello self-worth !!*

[@skyhigh_attitude]

The most insane part is that I caught myself multiple times trying to impress men I wouldn't touch with a stick

[@alessiasutherberry]

bless you lovely, we've all been there ❤❤❤❤❤

[@anonymousa-uy1hk]

Ugh! The need is insidious isn’t it?

[@unknown-ot7xy]

Lmao that's so true tho

[@FavouriteGalaxia]

Literally omg, i hate that.

[@rainkidwell2467]

I had one intentionally misgender me around a table full of friends. Five minutes later he's sitting with me and I'm trying to like.. Look good somehow, it's.. Pathetic

[@jennyalixD]

I really want to stop seeing other girls as competition, thank you for this, it was really helpful

[@alessiasutherberry]

you are moreee than welcome my love 💕💕

[@jennyalixD]

​@EYRM9I have been getting in touch with God for a while, still connecting with Him

[@wildflowers8966]

This is like a window into a bizarre alternate universe. Ladies- try looking at the men around you seriously and realize how unimpressive so many of them are!!! Why try to impress so many men who are beneath you? Why waste time thinking of them? Focus on you & what you want! Go for the top grade, pursue your own interests, listen to that voice inside and what you want to do! there is so much to do out there!

[@DAYSTAR-TV]

This is for me specifically ❤. Thank you

[@anhthule1204]

That is the one thing I have been doing

[@secilperkins]

Wish i was able to read this a year ago

[@marvin2678]

@@secilperkins its toxic advice

[@marvin2678]

@@DAYSTAR-TV thats toxic asf

[@maddyG7414]

Ladies, TAKE THIS ADVICE! You DO NOT want to wake up at 45 and realize you spent your 20s-30s catering to men and trying to be attractive to them. Of course you may want a relationship with one and you want to feel desirable, but don’t attach your self worth to it for the love of all that is good. I did this in my early twenties very heavily, and at 26 I am trying hard to untangle my identity from that drive. Being obsessed with male validation makes you small, competitive and insecure. It ruins your self esteem and reduces you down to an object of desire. I realized that if I kept going, I would have nothing once I was older, because society has such a narrow view of what is appealing to men, and it never accounts for what REAL people desire. You can be vibrant and attractive at any age, but not if you waste your life trying to fit into this box. Don’t waste your life’s purpose trying to get attention. The right man will see you for who you are, and you won’t have to change or preform for him.

[@qzQ717]

"The right man find you and love you for what you are" is a Mythos and LIE ! So please shut the fuck up girl and don't LIE.😂

[@brentie2604]

Fellas follow the same advice.

[@lmusima3275]

Well I’m 45 😂

[@BrendaHouston_]

@@lmusima3275she’s 26. I’m 46. 45 is ancient to her 😅

[@solrubyx]

@@brentie2604 No please, I think men actually should cater a bit more to women. If you guys did, I think most of you would look better, take better care of yourself, dress nicely etc. This is currently not the case. Just look outside, so many women try their hardest to look beautiful and then you have men who are just there, completely careless of their appearance (except for a small percentage). So please, men, do cater your life a bit more to what women like, by listening a little bit !

[@bibichillieblue]

Getting attention from men is too easy. I stopped caring when I realized there is no real reward from it. And honestly, it happens even when you’re not asking for it. It’s not a huge achievement or anything. What is hard and highly rewarding is showing up for yourself and doing the things you want to do! The real ones will stick with you.

[@alessiasutherberry]

💗💗💗💗

[@anongaba026]

This is so true! It’s super easy to have men desire you. Stop wasting your time, ladies. Those are immature boys who can’t see the person behind you. At the end of the day, you want a good person so you gotta be one yourself in order to attract one!

[@xxursolovelyxxX]

it might be easy for you but a lot of girls dont get it which is why they crave it so much lol

[@julie3722]

You don't need to archieve being considered as attractive. Telling others you need to archieve your worth is highly toxic. Everyone is worthy also with doing nothing at all.

[@bibichillieblue]

@@julie3722 ​​⁠you’re kind of missing the point. Not saying that doing nothing means being worthless. I am just saying that we are taught as girls that being desired by men is the ultimate goal, when it is most of the time not a totally difficult thing. You just exist and boom men desire you! And what happens is that women end up realizing that it is not super fulfilling in the end because of that reason. So then again, not saying you should be climbing the Everest mountain, but everyone in life has goals, whether it is being a cook, being happy, etc. Every human feels fulfilled when they work towards something, whether it is decorating your room, taking care of kids, starting a book club. And women are still desirable to men even when they don’t focus on being said quality to them. It is just better trying to work on one’s self, be happy with ourselves and have hobbies instead of obsessing over male validation, if we are trying to achieve a specific goal, that is. I don’t think I’m being toxic to say that most people have a goal, no matter how small or how big it is, like it’s just life.

[@secilperkins]

Currently as a 19 yo young girl i can deeply confirm. I’m already not really a social butterfly but especially as soon as a man starts to make it obvious that he’s interested in me i start to heavily overthink everything. Until to the point where i feel like i owe them beauty, sexiness and attractivness 24/7. Even in the hardest times. I think it’s a highschool trauma in me that i still couldn’t %100 solve.

[@alessiasutherberry]

Omg I feel this so much. You are not alone at all my lovely. 💘💘💘💘 Thank you for sharing so open and honestly. Lots of love xxx

[@mistastealyogirlll]

19 yo girl here as well, and I can completely relate! I know we will learn to not feel this way anymore, wishing you the best of luck! You are so much more than your physical.

[@alessiasutherberry]

@@mistastealyogirlll lots of love lovely ❤❤❤❤ strong women !!💘💘💘

[@seabreeze4559]

@@alessiasutherberry mixed sex schools literally DAMAGE girls' grades it's a punishment and should in my opinion be illegal less teen pregnancy and harassment but they won't split it because instead of attacking each other, they behave slightly better around the girls than alone and feral it's obscene

[@seabreeze4559]

@@alessiasutherberry not to mention, pervy teachers complaining about being distracted by literal kids, so WHY not split it? or better yet, let everyone study 90+% of classes FROM HOME? the pandemic stuff proved it possible

[@HenPants-uc2fr]

I didn’t actually realize so many other women did this. Its both nice and sad to realize this reality. I thought all the other women around me were always just acting perfectly natural and themselves, meanwhile I would be so conscious of how I looked from the outside to others. Positioning myself in a certain way, having a certain expression on my face, making my hair fall a certain way, etc.

[@alessiasutherberry]

you are not alone my love ❤ we all get you and while that is sad it doesn't have to go on 💘 I hope you can find ways to be more relaxed when you are out and about xxx

[@StephanieAlice]

The men who “adore” you are the same ones who will vomit at you when you are “old” just because you are no longer attractive to them, because they only ever valued you for looks. It’s so sad. I am so sorry for what teens have to grow up in these days and pray for humanity!

[@natural3362]

This is why we need to live for ourselves. Be pretty with and for ourselves because we will never grow tired of us. We are the right investment!

[@moonlightstargem1006]

Yes live for yourself & reject men more often ❤it will make you feel better that you didn’t let him have you because he’s shallow

[@moonlightstargem1006]

I tend to regret giving men a chance to touch me or have sex with me because i didn’t realize they were being shallow & it wasn’t because they actually liked me or wanted to get to know me.

[@Mia15239]

this is true

[@Mia15239]

@@moonlightstargem1006 same. Im so sad and feel disgusted for myself and at myself. never again.

[@esoterca]

there’s a quote from a book that has stuck with me ever since i read it a few months ago now, “when was the last time you were with a straight man, any straight man, and he said something remotely more interesting than what you were already thinking…” when i tell you this is what finally made everything click for me

[@alessiasutherberry]

🤯

[@yyyyyyyssi1958]

what’s the book ??!

[@weaversong7021]

@@yyyyyyyssi1958 i need to know too!!

[@thejaywalkerkid]

Wow, I think except my dad and brother, nobody comes to my mind. Every guy friend that I've talked to is either flirting, trying to be cool, or being immature most of the time. Sometimes we women can put men on such a pedestal just because our inherent nature is to love, care and understand.

[@Cateater123]

Lesbian complaining straight men don't want them lmao .

[@sunsetz2341]

Margaret Atwood's quote that opened my eyes and shifted something in me, was "You are a woman with a man inside watching a woman. You are your own voyeur." As women and especially girls we're always catering to male gaze, even when it's literally nonexistent. My mission is to fight it out of me. We are always serving men, one way or another. If we're not "wife material", if we're sexually expressive, we're still serving them with our attractiveness and fulfilling their sexual needs. They don't respect us, but they still use us. If we are traditional housewifes, we birth them kids and take care of them, emotionally and physically. In this case they act like they respect us but they still don't. We hope to be the femme fatale that men desire and obsess over. How about we collectively wake up and realize the male gaze is nothing special. They f@ck corpses. They laugh at us and make fun of us. They watch porn and they enjoy women being harassed and abused. Their idols are disgustung emotionally immature, unintelligent male celebs. But the thing is, women don't NEED men. Men NEED women. They want a slave, an object in one way or another and they blame it on biology. But we women? We don't need them. We're successful without them. We're even better without them. I'm 20 now and trying to shift from years of serving to the male gaze as a teen girl. As I started to realize these things, one by one, epiphany by epiphany my happiness, confidence, joy as increased immensely.

[@سيريناباين]

Same ❤

[@geohatz4838]

I love this comment so much you spoke facts

[@stefaniakonstantinidou981]

Not all men r the same though...let s not overgeneralise. There r good men out there and if we mature, we ll attract a mature one. Equal attracts equal. You r in a good path

[@ljubovv5610]

You are so right

[@fatemaabdulla2728]

i feel like this comment is a little over exaggerated in regards to the vast general term of the 'men' population. i dont know what youve been through and what kind of men youve encountered because your comments sounds like its coming from a really hurt/agonised/frustrated person. i want to say great men exist. and they arent rare to find. a personality doesnt depend on gender, rather on a persons upbringing, moral belief system and character. like attracts like. be great to attract great. 💞

[@growlinda]

“you’re not here to be sexy… we’ve got so much to give but we’re drained on all of that talent energy because we’re fixated on something that’s so draining” 💞

[@alessiasutherberry]

We do have sooooo much to give! 🥰❤✨

[@ChrisSimpiamson3]

@@alessiasutherberry Why y’all being so hateful towards men tho? Nothing wrong with trying to be s3xy for men when men try to be attractive for women.

[@growlinda]

@@ChrisSimpiamson3 we are healing from men , not being “hateful” towards them. think about it this way, your family constantly talks about your appearance & push you into being more like them. you’d obviously feel so drained and want to change. alessiasutherberry only wants to heal us not bash men because you too, are very important . you have a life to live & so do we🩵 we want to live it in a happy way instead of constant need for somebody else’s approval. also, “nothing wrong with being s3xy for a man” 😭 sorry this is funny. we don’t want to live our lives for the need of somebody else, okay? you may be traditional or consume media by someone who views women material but, trust me when I say this, no sane woman wants to live a life for somebody else. you will never, ever find that in a woman who has true intentions.

[@alessiasutherberry]

@@growlinda well said lovely 💗💗💗💗

[@marvin2678]

@@growlinda so you dont want to be attractive to your partner ?

[@WildWinterberry]

I remember i used to wear leggings and a tight top at the gym. I really believed i did it "for myself", until lockdown came. I started working out in then in the house, and because there was noone there to see how i looked, i realised how uncomfortable, restrictive and not good for working out they are. Thats when i had to be honest with myself that im doing it to display my body. It was a huge ego drop to admit but it was true. I have changed a lot since then because I realised how in every asect of our lives we are conditioned to be visually pleasing. I also need to say how much better working out is in loose clothes. Marketing really fooled me there.

[@Datb2]

It’s much more comfortable

[@meghan3835]

You are right

[@selenadamman8417]

This definitely makes me feel better about my decision to not buy leggings and get loose clothes instead :) I was scared i'd feel ugly and regret it

[@randomchicaontheinternet9971]

you can still get those loose clothes in your favourite colours to feel cute for yourself@@selenadamman8417

[@Mia15239]

you go 🙌🙌🙌🙌🙌🙌

[@LaGataSolar]

Not dressing for men has made dressing so much more fun and comfortable and freeing! It’s literally the best once you liberate yourself from that

[@StellaM22]

It’s given me a new lease on life!!!

[@lifoxe]

what the hell is dressing for men what is it supposed to look like

[@LaGataSolar]

@@lifoxe id say say it’s dressing thinking about what they’ll like or what will attract them first, before thinking thinking about what just feels nice to you

[@andrewlilley3660]

What's dressing for men, when it's at home, if a man likes you he'll like you wearing a potato sack, it's not the wrapping he's interested in.

[@amysho2192]

I completely agree!

[@DecenterMenCenterGod]

As a woman, I've found that true happiness and love come from a connection with God. It's a beautiful journey of self-discovery.

[@alessiasutherberry]

I am so happy that you've found true happiness and love xxx💘🥰

[@Rom_818]

Finally! I have found that decentering men will never be complete until a woman CENTERS GOD.

[@Avengercharr]

Yesss when I finally start focusing on my relationship with God I started to attract people who want me instead chasing guys that don’t want me .

[@andrewlilley3660]

You're Moniker say it all, decency has nothing to do with religion, I assure you, thanks.

[@stefaniakonstantinidou981]

Jesus frees us from passions, that is from attachments. It is true. Whoever the lord frees is free indeed. God bless

[@bm5_5_5]

Decentering men gives you a glow like no other. I can see you glowing and I am experiencing this myself. Working on myself for myself from now on. Glad I had this awakening at 29, 30 in a few months. So glad I can start a new decade not focusing on outside validation.

[@angelis2125]

why is it so hard tho??? i want to let go of this validation but at the same time i find it so exiting . it feels almost like a drug and i feel so ashamed to admit it

[@bm5_5_5]

@@angelis2125 It’s hard because it’s all we know and have ever known. Unlearning is harder than learning that’s what they don’t tell you. I promise you the validation you can get from yourself will fill you up like nothing else. You just set yourself free right there just by admitting the shame out loud to a complete stranger in a safe space. You can let it die now. You’ve got this 🫶

[@donquixote2072]

It is often associated with stupidity, carelessness, and alcohol. You are not invited here. Welcome to here.

[@bm5_5_5]

@@angelis2125 To be real with you it’s possibly a trauma response from unmet needs in childhood. Possibly from male caregivers. Therapy is a good route to healing if this is the case. Eventually you’ll reach a point where you can validate yourself and then ironically everyone outside of you reflects that back to you the love you feel for yourself. For me it stemmed from feeling unworthy and now that feeling has left me the need for outside validation has left with it. Shame keeps you stuck so admitting it is the first step. By shining a light on the shame you can start to heal it instead of pretending it doesn’t exist or it’s not a problem.

[@loveshot20]

Fr

[@izabelasoja9417]

This is such an important topic... I always felt so embarrassed because of caring so much about male attention. When I was in school I had multiple crushes but none of them liked me back and it completely messed up my self-esteem and confidence. Now that I'm older and look better I see that men look at me but instead of being happy about it it just makes me feel uncomfortable. This is soo draining that my whole life has been centred around what men think of me. Your video helped me see a different perspective

[@alessiasutherberry]

Bless you! You are not alone! I felt embarrassed about caring about male attention too. I felt shame for a long long time and still do sometimes. But it's not our fault as the women. I love how self-aware you are lovely... I can tell you a strong woman. Thanks for your open and honest comment. 🥰🥰❤❤

[@Youtubeaccount50512]

Wow the same thing happened to me! Most of my life I touched such a low level that I considered myself a “subhuman” because of this. I am waking up now and I want to heal this, for now I did babysteps but for sure with time passing I will be able to heal completely💘

[@alessiasutherberry]

@@KZbinaccount50512 thank you for sharing your experience lovely. You deserve so much love and appreciation. Lots of love! 💗💗💗💗

[@anjanette001]

@@KZbinaccount50512Replying to both the original comment and yours…oh my god. I genuinely thought I was the only one. I never met or heard someone express around me that they felt like this and it made me feel like I was a special case. I remember in my freshman year of hs, I would look at every girl that would walk past me and say I’d rather be her bc she looked normal and could easily get an average bf whereas I couldn’t get anyone because I was too skinny and would always get rejected. Fast forward to today, I thought that I was healed but god once again has shown me that it’s a never ending process so tysm for your guys’ comments

[@religion-free]

same here! _uncomfortable_ is The word

[@svobodkaaa]

As a young girl society told me that your value as a woman is based on men validation and that men validate you only if you're interesting to them by your looks. I always thought about how perfect I have to be, if i sit right, look on point, etc. Later I found out that I attracted a lot of shallow men that objectified me and were intereated in my looks only. I then wondered why they don't want to get to know me more and I thought for a moment that maybe I don't have anything else to offer than my looks. Now I know that's not true at all. I started to take care of my looks only for myself and when someone starts to objectify me, I immediately distance myself. Thank you for making this video, I think there's still a lot of women who need to realize this. ❤

[@alessiasutherberry]

I can't relate more to this comment. I have had a very similar experience to you my lovely. We've come far. ❤🥰❤🥰❤🥰❤ You're so intelligent!! xx

[@jasonzadoyan2631]

Objectification is Human Nature. You are delusional lol. And newsflash the reason why guys don't want you get to know you is because you don't have anything else to offer. If something looks and smells like a fish, then it is a fish, not chocolate! 😂 Grow up. Everyone objectifies everyone, women even objectify their own selves and so do you.

[@lillianvalla5808]

I'm so glad you started to distance yourself from people who objectify you! You deserve people who respect you as a person ❤

[@AmandaaLove]

Gonna list my qualities here for me: - Funny - Smart - intuitive

[@alessiasutherberry]

Go you! 💗💗💗💗

[@amysho2192]

I could only come up with funny. But now that I'm older and less quick-witted, I don't even have that! 😂 I think I'm empathetic though. I found one!

[@elenitrp3500]

You're so right about the "think like a baby" part... As children we tend to be our true authentic selves and express our thoughts and desires without caring what other people might think. We should not forget that child inside no matter how old we get. Great video!

[@alessiasutherberry]

Aw thank you lovely 💗💗💗💗 we shouldn’t forget about that child inside us! So true!

[@Dierdre_Barlow]

This wasn't an accident. We're supposed to feel watched/monitored so we don't step out of line. The same way you keep an eye on your pet incase it runs away. It's a very clever, covert, subtle but powerful form of control.

[@3li.mp339]

@EYRM9this might shard but you need a job

[@Lozie82]

@@3li.mp339😂😂😂

[@aquamoon88]

I think there is a shift in our consciousness lately...i've been thinking about this a lot too and how sick I am of men. And I'm not even unlucky in love. I'm very lucky indeed. But joining tiktok and witnessing how desperate and animalistic a lot of men are grosses me out...and it completely alters the way i used to see the world. I now don't care to look attractive or anything. I'm all covered up and don't care at all. I'm just simply me doing my own thing.

[@alessiasutherberry]

I am so glad you can be you in a way that feels care free. Sending all my love. ❤ ❤

[@hentai_lover6915]

TikTok is not a place to get an accurate view on anything tbh. Everything bad is heightened tenfold there.

[@aquamoon88]

@@hentai_lover6915 you could be right, but yeah, doesn't change the way I feel about men and society lately. It has been pretty disappointing.

[@flamingaish]

right, except i never had a very nice viewpoint to begin with

[@marvin2678]

yeah maybe get therapy and work on your issues instead of hating on men

[@zahraamin164]

It runs even deeper than beauty. I realize I want men to think I'm smart, interesting, talented, etc. I've always had a lot of hobbies and am well rounded, but I realized I used to do all that partially keeping in mind that I wanted to be more appealing to men. It really took away from those experiences because there was so much pressure of being attractive in all these different ways. It felt like I was a student applying to colleges and I was forcing myself to do extra curriculurs (attractive qualities other than beauty) so I would be even more attractive than just my grades (beauty). I am so much more fulfilled just doing things because I want to do them and I don't feel like I have to be good at it or impress the men around me.

[@Cateater123]

You are not talented or interesting very less women are like that .

[@cocorole868]

@@Cateater123you don’t know her.

[@gracenauly]

barely 3 minutes into the video and i couldn’t hold tears. ive been struggling a lot with body dysmorphia. its so chronic, its rotten in me that ive ignored everything in my life that aren’t beauty related. all i could think of is how becoming more and more pretty and perfect and i couldn’t stop craving for validation from both men and women. its destroying me slowly and i just dont know if i could get out of it, i feel like i already way too deep

[@alessiasutherberry]

I'm so so sorry to hear that you're feeling this way lovely. I can't imagine how tough it is. ❤Please know you're not alone in this, and reaching out is a big step. Be gentle with yourself, and maybe reach out to a therapist/a professional and in time, things can get better. You are sooooo worthy and loved xx💘💘💘💘

[@ana-nim]

You can get out, ask for a professional help and never forget that there's a way out. You don't have to see it, just believe that it's there and eventually you will find it

[@thejaywalkerkid]

I think this affects women with validation seeking and people pleasing issues, who are brought up in a household of emotionally unavailable parents, exponentially. Great points

[@taedaya]

i agree wholeheartedly as someone with an emotionally unavailable father

[@smaraghy]

Yes! This! I relate so strongly.

[@9darshana]

This video is so helpful and timely, especially considering the social climate lately. Things like the manosphere and this red pill rhetoric are trying to "humble" women and rating a woman's looks are at the fore front. The reason why men's validation should not be honored is because it's fickle. One minute they like you, then you say something to piss them off and you're immediately ugly.

[@MB-wx2jp]

THIS

[@jenbodhi1133]

They were calling Margo Robbie below average because they didn’t like Barbie- don’t even bother listening to them

[@9darshana]

@@jenbodhi1133 Yeah, I saw a video where men were saying she was "mid" in looks. I was like really, if she's mid then what are most of these men. They need to take a glance at themselves in the mirror. That's when I knew to never listen to men and their bullshit.

[@realpristine]

De centering men from my life requires so much reprogramming but it’s a refreshing journey of self love 🧡

[@alessiasutherberry]

Go you! 💗💗💗

[@yashyashwanth5888]

Women talk about red pill videos teaching misogny,making men soicailly men attractive ,men mean,to hate women,etc but you wanna do red pill video.

[@emmabhictoriadroll3390]

this is one of the best videos ive ever seen??? my entire life my identity has been based on being attractive. but ive always known there is sooo much more to me but never explored it. i love how indepth this was, absolutely life changing thank you ❤

[@alessiasutherberry]

Wow best video you've seen! Thank you so so much lovely! ❤I'm so glad you liked it:) I can tell by the way you've engaged with me that you are a beautiful soul and I hope that becomes more and more clear to you as time goes on. Thank you again for being so kind. Comments like yours keep me motivated. ❤❤ xxx

[@lamrof]

You watch videos like this and you scrape off your natural being of a feminine. What remains would be a shell of a masculine who may be unhappy. Do not scrape off your nature, build more around it. While at it, stop watching damaging videos like this here.

[@hannah144]

i really struggle with this. in my childhood and early teenage years, i was constantly called ugly and unattractive, especially by boys. now that i grew into my body and my face matured, i am perceived very differently. i still carry that trauma and insecurity from my childhood, so male validation is something i honestly crave and i hate it. i hate going out with my friends and hoping a guy talks to me and calls me pretty. i still have moments where i feel like i’m the ugliest girl in the world, so the male validation i got never fixed anything, even though i always hope it does. i have to work on myself to truly feel confident and comfortable in my looks. unfortunately that’s harder than getting a compliment from a guy. i haven’t finished watching your video yet, but thank you so much for talking about this! i know i’m not the only one with this problem but hearing you talk about it really reassures me :)

[@Moonlight-xl8wh]

ify girl this entire childhood thing was my case too

[@A_little_dead]

Same story ...... the validation doesn't even fix anything and you end up feeling more worthless! 😢

[@nathalieksghdvjk8422]

I am literally on the verge of a breakdown right now. I feel like I will have to watch this video 5 more times at least to understand it all, to incorporate it all… please, tell me, where do I start over? How do I get out of this loop of shallowness? How? I want to be cultured, brilliant, I want my sharpness and mental clarity back. I feel like there is this ceiling over my head - a ceiling of my own insecurities and limitations.

[@alessiasutherberry]

I'm really sorry to hear that you're struggling. Remember, it's okay to take things one step at a time. Be kind to yourself, and if you need to talk, reach out to someone you trust. Maybe try keeping a journal to track each moment and your progress. I often find getting words down on paper makes me feel less overwhelmed. ❤ You're stronger than you realise, and you'll get through this. 💘💘💘💘💘💘💘 Also you always have this community! 🤗💘❤🥰💗

[@AngelsonEarth69]

In my experience I tend to weaponize my attractiveness to feel like I have some type of power with men. It isn't that I want to ensnare a man. I want to feel like they can't hurt me when I feel beautiful. I grew up feeling like my worth hinges on my appearance. I still do sometimes. It's like putting on armour and going to war every single day. My therapist said that once I'm older I will stop caring less. It came off as dismissive.

[@sgal5632]

Yes:( also I hate it when I get myself together and get male attention I think they automatically think it's for them or like I need their validation when in actuality I disgust it ugh

[@alessiasutherberry]

I completely get you. You are so self aware and articulate babe! ❤❤❤ Also your therapist was so patronising - the worst advice. xx

[@alessiasutherberry]

@@sgal5632 I bloody understand this ❤

[@marvin2678]

what kind of therapist is that lol

[@maddyG7414]

YEP. This is so true. I wanted their attention but when they hurt me, I used my beauty against them. It meant that getting into a committed relationship was hard for me, because I was used to being the pretty girl who was remote and unattached

[@jhinusrify]

Exactly!!! I changed my hair color from blonde to dark last year. And every single man comments that I look better w blond and honestly, I don't get hit on or asked out ever since. But im ok with it. In fact , I like it better cause first of all WHy should I wanna be w a Man that's only attracted to me in certain conditions, second of all , it's not like when I got all the attention when was blond were really quality or made me get to higher places. So im at my most peaceful place in life not getting any excessive attention and hence distraction from reaching my goals and things that really make me happy and not shallow male attention.

[@alessiasutherberry]

Thank you for sharing this with me lovely. I am in awe of your mindset. Good on you !! ❤❤❤ xx

[@MelinaH]

The brown hair really suits you well!

[@yashyashwanth5888]

Women will love unconditionally no.wilomen will hate men more than love.

[@yashyashwanth5888]

He gave you compliment.he said you look good with blonde hair.whatvis wrong there

[@lifeisall488]

Exactly that is why Marylin Monroe died to much pressure in being sexy 24/7

[@Nora-ct6vv]

Thank you! This video is literally summarising how I often felt and especially after the Barbie movie. I tried to explain it to my boyfriend but I feel like he didn’t exactly get it. I’m in my mid 20s and slowly started to realise how much time I wasted on caring about how I look or being reduced to only my looks from other people but also myself eventually. When I look at my bf in comparison and how much time he spent on doing way more useful things ( I have the feeling a lot of men are like this, they were more encouraged to spend more time on useful things in life and not just to look pretty) I get sad and annoyed at society. I guess I shouldn’t be sad about it in hindsight but honestly I would love to travel back in time to give myself a good wake up call and tell me what really matters in life 😂

[@alessiasutherberry]

I completely get why you feel sad and annoyed. I think that is totally valid. Society lets us women down big time! I am sad and annoyed too. I waisted a lot of energy and drained myself trying to look perfect all the time. It is exhausting. The Barbie movie has really made us women come together and talk about this and I love it. 💗💗💗💗 Thank you for being so honest and commenting - you had some really interesting and important things to say! xxxx Lots of love xxxx

[@zahraamin164]

I get so sad and frustrated. If I even think about one aspect of beauty, for example hair removal. It makes me so mad how much time, effort, pain, and money women spend on removing something that is completely natural and acceptable on men. The double standard infuriates me, but I also have a deep seated need to be beautiful, so I continue to get my eyebrows threaded, shave, wax, and get laser hair removal done no matter how time consuming, expensive, and painful it is. Men don't spend nearly as much of their energy on their appearance, so they get to use their energy and resources on fun, interesting things.

[@alessiasutherberry]

I hear you! The beauty double standard can be sooo maddening. Women just don't get a break. At the moment I keep reminding myself to do what makes me feel good and confident. After all self-care is about looking after our needs, not society's expectations. 💘💘💘💘💘

[@cloflomonster]

wow, your insights just helped me realize a feeling i've had about this relationship to a man i have rn. at times i feel inferior to him, but really i think i just want to be like him. he's super intelligent and grew up being told how smart he was, so has no doubts in his intellect and speaks so confidently. i, on the other hand, grew up with my beauty being the trait that was always encouraged, even though i was intelligent (but not book smart), and i was always made to feel dumb by my male peers. i wasted my first two years of college trying to be the hottest girl on campus (it was a tiny college) because i knew that if i couldn't excel academically, at least i could be the prettiest, most desired young woman there. i've doubted my voice, my intelligence, my ability to convey my opinions on things for my whole life because we girls are trained to be agreeable, non-confrontational (which often means not sharing or having an opinion), and to dumb ourselves down to seem more relatable. actually, this last point, i think is something that makes us really strong as women--we are more interested in making connections with other people instead of compete w/them, which is why we use linguistic tools like girly-girl talk in order to make each other feel safer around each other. i love that i can feel safe in my ineloquence without some dude mocking me, and be able to be understood and have an intelligent conversation that sounds like it came right out of clueless. but anyway---i'm finally making an effort to reclaim my intellect and restarted college. in a way i feel like i'm behind compared to men, and other women my age who weren't wasting their energy on sexual attractiveness growing up, because i've spent so much of my 20s trying to look hot but i'm finally feeling safe and confident enough to pursue this intellectual journey and i hope to have the unearned confidence of a white man someday soon.

[@bruna.schaefer]

@@cloflomonster thank you for sharing!! You put into words whats I have always felt I'm sure you will be successful in your journey!! 👏

[@Rosiewithlove]

I hate how debilitating it is looking at every man as a possible well of validation. The best I have felt has been when I am pursuing a creative project or making genuine conversation with a freind, times my attractiveness is completely irrelevant. I hate feeling like I am constantly preoccupied with being validated. And considering the amount of feminist media I consume, I even feel guilty wanting the amount of male validation that I do. It really shows you how ingrained it is in us to want to be wanted. It is built into our subconscious…

[@WisdomWorldrx]

One of the easiest ways to get over the need of male validation is to realize many lust over a d will give attention to just about anything that they can score (be it mentally emotionally physically or financial) ... love your self and you can see the jntebt of people interactions

[@livafridrihsone6683]

So true

[@marvin2678]

sorry how do you mean that ?

[@angelflorence]

men will have s#x with animals, c0rpses (there's a reason why morgues prefer female morticians) and children lol. i've seen news headlines where a man had s#x with a goat, and we've all seen these politicians' dirty laundry on TV. male validation is meaningless.

[@barbiedoll44]

from the words of adriana lima “it’s flattering knowing men desire me. But then i remember a man would also have sex with a Mcchicken. So I don’t let it get to my head.” 💋

[@iknowyouvebeenwaiting]

You are such an intelligent woman. Thank you for saying the truth

[@alessiasutherberry]

Thank you for being so so lovely. ❤❤❤❤❤ xxx

[@Aerialgoddess]

Catching myself EVERYDAY redirecting the need of men’s attention or admiration to my OWN self love worth and validation. BUT ITS HARD to change permanently. Deep inside me is still the belief of not good enough unworthy and no man will choose me. Working REALLY hard to heal this forever ❤

[@alessiasutherberry]

Go you babe. 💗 it is so hard! Xxx

[@Grace77534]

1.interrupt your current thoughts fixating about male validation 2. figure out who you are beyond male validation, list your positive traits, what you are good at 3. think like a baby, be care free. babies are so free and care less about how they look 4. find a purpose in life because you have so much to give to the world

[@tormentors]

You have to look good and feel good about yourself for yourself no matter if they are attracted to you or no you can't validate yourself on that you'll be unhappy all your life

[@enyavissepo]

i love about myself that i am an endlessly creative and imaginative mind, my heart is extremely loving and giving, and my soul is so resilientin spite of everything ive gone thru i still want to find ways to be better n keep on living, today, this is what i decide i love abt myself

[@alessiasutherberry]

Aw thank you so much for commenting lovely! 😘💜🥰 Go you!

[@indrebutku]

Happy to be living in the time of this conversation. I am the opposite - I was choosing to wear baggy clothes to not attract unwanted attention throughout my teenage years and only in my late 20s I'm starting to feel okay wearing outfits in public that are traditionally considered 'sexy'. I still sometimes feel uncomfortable as I have no desire to be objectified, being accused of 'wanting to steal someone else's boyfriend' or arouse any other response with my clothes from others, but I feel a lot more free of what to wear, and that is my part in feminism.

[@ggugugukhjnkn]

I relate except until my like 13 I got really depressed and obsessed over my looks but not just for men, it was more about everybody in general. I relate to you though! as a kid the idea of being objectified felt disgusting, I would wear whatever

[@hermeeown]

Always remember how cheap male attention is!

[@yashyashwanth5888]

Men will attracted to women.how is it cheap.

[@ana-nim]

Exactly. Male attention is abundant. You don't even have to be alive or human to receive it. It's not valuable.

[@coolbreeze5683]

I married my husband, who is my soulmate, but I've never had any interest in attracting guys. I dated a couple of guys in the past but I'm just a "take it or leave it" kind of person. A guy I dated even told me I talked too much 😂 like why would I want to have a miserable life with a guy who didn't have the mental capacity for communication. When I first met my husband, we just understood eachother right away. I accept that he's smarter at certain things and he accepts that I'm smarter at other things. We can have good debates and conversations about everything and at any time. He embraces my creative and strong side and meets me with more strength. He is an extremely rare kind of guy and if he never came into my life, I would have been fine living on my own or having a Golden Girls scenario and living with my friends that are women😆

[@avaq2588]

Wow I'm not even pretty at all and yet I found myself so distracted in college - it's so crazy how long it took me to remove that feeling from myself - I really related to what you said about the college stuff. And for me it really took me seeing that men are not all that AT ALL to get over this- now I don't care at all to be honest but when you are younger I feel like you are told that you are supposed to be wanted by men and that's just made to feel like something you need to have. I think it's so sad how women are just talked to and about as things that are just measured / meant to be beautiful - all we hear is that womanhood is almost all about beauty so that really messes with you.

[@ellapark8770]

Growing up I was bullied by my family.. in particular by my grandparents and mom. Making comments like "You're the fattest girl in church" "You will never have a husband if you don't lose weight". FYI, I wear a size small (max medium). So all my life I've been obsessing over my appearance, and beauty became my ultimate identity. "If I look beautiful enough, I will be safe / loved / accepted". This video is super helpful for me, and my goal this year is to heal in this area.

[@alessiasutherberry]

I am so sorry that you experienced this my lovely. It must have been so heartbreaking. You don’t deserve that from anybody especially not from your parents. Nobody deserves to be body shamed in anyway. I am so so happy to hear that you are healing from this experience. Please know that you are so deserving of love and appreciation. Sending the biggest hug your way xxxxxx❤️❤️❤️

[@babycakie]

This is a good video! When you understand that a good number of men aren’t worth all the work and effort you might be putting in, it only makes you wanna put in the work for yourself. I’m in an amazing relationship with my current man and I attracted him because I wasn’t thinking about men. I don’t do dating sites or apps and when I’m single I ENJOY it and pour into myself. When being single becomes easy and natural as breathing air then that’s where the best relationships come from (for me personally). If you wanna be beautiful then be beautiful but don’t do it for men when over half of them don’t deserve to have access to your beauty anyway💯

[@sarahwilson6458]

Facts

[@alessiasutherberry]

Aw thank you lovely! You speak so much truth and wisdom! I want to watch your KZbin video on this!! 💫✨❤

[@pendafen7405]

One issue that plagues me (and possibly other women?) is limerent fantasies & daydreams about unattainable men, as an escape from negative or uncomfortable or upsetting situations happening to me in the present. What's weird is I'm conscious of it happening and understand why, but still can't stop myself using it as a crutch/coping mechanism anyway.

[@pendafen7405]

@@euamoovoceyes yeah I guess. Many women are brainwashed from young to latch onto limerence of that sort, via programming from stories, movies, etc.

[@soph.b6054]

Same here girl haha

[@whymillie]

Because women are lied to that a relationships takes your pain away.

[@pendafen7405]

@@whymillie you're so right, I needed to hear this and so do so many other women. Hopefully the girls of today don't get the same level of programming we all did.

[@whymillie]

@@pendafen7405 Check out a lady called Melanie Hamlett she dives into this as well in more detail.

[@iiiamyrxiii]

The baby thing is so true babies know what really matters. When you really think about it looks don’t matter, if you had a piece of bread that looked delicious but tasted terrible you still wouldn’t eat it.

[@alessiasutherberry]

wise words my lovely x❤🥰

[@cleaclover2548]

Outer beauty fades but inner beauty never fades💞

[@phi-losiphy2038]

Maybe for you white women but black don't crack!

[@noortjebosma]

I was thinking a bit more about how this is for men. And men can’t help it we feel and act like this. I mean they also were born in this patriarchate world and didn’t build it. So we both suffer from this but here’s the big difference. Value. Which sex is valued for looking beautiful, being adaptive to their surroundings and sweet? What is the difference if a man or a woman has all these traits? Patriarchy/society calls that man weak. Patriarchy/society calls that woman a good girl. And this is the problem. This is what needs to change. Luckily it is changing but this theme goes so deep it’s part of the foundation the world we know is build upon. We need to grasp these foundations and shake. By vocalizing this theme and sharing these insights we’re shaking it to make the existing/old world crumble and build a new one. Thank you Alessia for being a must needed groundshaker.

[@alessiasutherberry]

wow! such wise words! thank you for this insight lovely 🥰💘❤

[@a.b.7161]

you give such a cosy and comfort kind of energy, like having a coffee talk with your bigger sister

[@alessiasutherberry]

aw that is the exact vibe I wanna give off! thanks lovely! 🥰🤗xx

[@hollyjay3628]

Omg I say these things all the time!!!! Nothing brings me more joy than hearing a woman flex her emotional intelligence unapologetically. You would be such an incredible friend to have ✊🏻

[@charlotttecouch]

I just got out of a break up and immediately started looking for male validation and just needed someone to remind me of everything you said in this video. Thank you so much!

[@alessiasutherberry]

Aw I am so sorry to hear you are going through a break up - they are so painful. Sending all my love your way lovely. xxx ❤❤

[@rtrko1]

me too, same boat xoxo good luck on your journey

[@charlotttecouch]

Love that we're here for each other!

[@Erandy_]

Hey Charlotte! I clicked on your channel out of curiosity, and I just want to say we have very similar KZbin subscriptions 😭😂

[@charlotttecouch]

@@Erandy_ I just looked and we really do 😂 hiiiii 👋🏼 lol

[@todaktodak976]

Wow... I love this. YOU ARE NOT HERE TO BE SEXY. It also applies to men. WE ARE NOT HERE TO BE SEXY TO THE OPPOSITE SEX. If we focus on being sexy there might be no one next to us when we fall ill losing our 'sexyness' I'm 44 and when I was younger I didn't even imagine I would ever get old...haha... But when my jawline started sagging and I found that all kinds of unknown wrinkles can show up anywhere throughout my body, I realized that being sexy or pretty is a blessing in disguise. I thought I would shine forever and getting compliments about appearance blined me from getting WISE. If we are a little bit prettier than the 'normal' level, that means we have to be a little bit wiser; otherwise, there will be more frequent heartbreaking that is likely to lead to loneliness. Being sexy is nothing. I hope young people regardless of sex could learn this early.

[@alessiasutherberry]

💖🤗

[@mionaa05]

Spot on sir, i am glad that people in general(regardless of gender) are focusing on other things in life as well as just how they look!!

[@noortjebosma]

I’m 31 and although I know and practice all the things you talk about I still feel stuck in this way of being and existing a lot of times. Super thanks for this video. Every woman needs to see this.

[@KimberlyLovesJesus-]

I have always struggled with wanting attention. I no longer dress sexy, wear makeup and don’t even have any socials. I don’t go out of my way for attention from a guy however once a guy does look at me or show any sort of attention towards me, I will forever remember it. That’s when I realized how much more deeper this problem was. As time has passed I prayed that I would stop caring about boys because I wanted to change so bad. I hated that I cared and tried to see if that same boy was looking at me. But I have been feeling more and more free as I allow myself to not always look pretty and not care so much about whether a boy looks at me or not. What really made me depressed is having mental battles about this meanwhile being a man who loved me so so much. I want to heal from this to be the most refined partner I can be in the future

[@gwen-p3q]

Do you have any update on yourself? I'm in the same situation as you. I've stopped looking pretty and dressing up bc i don't want other men to look at me. I want to fully stop caring about other other men bc i have a partner who loves me so much, i don't want to let him down.

[@KimberlyLovesJesus-]

Hey my love, I’m happy I just saw this. Things do get better and you do outgrow it but it takes a renewal of the mind. It’s not bad to want attention, we were all born to need attention and love! So subconsciously when you don’t recieve that, you will seek it out, usually in the wrong places. I dress up modestly and get pretty but I do it to feel polished for ME! Beating yourself up WILL NOT help. Be gentle and loving and in all honestly the only man that helped me heal is God. Even to this day I’m allowing God to heal my rejection/abandonment issues by knowing I’m unconditionally loved and forever noticed by Him. The more I focused on God, the more I got my priorities straight and recognized what’s truly important. I pray you get to know God, God created that very want in your heart to want love and attention and He’s gonna know best how to heal you babes :) I re-parent myself by loving me and being compassionate towards me like how you treat child. I pray you heal fr, there is freedom sweetheart. ♥️

[@gwen-p3q]

@@KimberlyLovesJesus- Thank you for your response! So, how did you renew your mind and break free from your old habits? I'm actually doing my best to be closer to God because I believe that He's the only once who can help and heal me from the things I'm suffering from. It's rough for me because I've been dealing with unwanted thoughts. But I believe that if I put my trust fully in Him, I'll be able to overcome those things.

[@KimberlyLovesJesus-]

@@gwen-p3qI used to go through the same exact thing. It really takes time and gentleness. I suggest you start by spending intimate time with Him daily, reading and quiet prayer time. It’s really simple but for me I told myself that my focus is God not boys. I’m clothed in strength and honor, strong to resist my feelings and honorable where I do not pursue boys/or their attention and if I do recieve it my heart is not to be affected my praise. If you really think about it the devil can use this as a temptation to distract you because just think about it consumes your thoughts when you get validated right ?? Definitely talk to yourself with love, speak life over yourself not death. Words have power so use them to heal your mind!

[@KimberlyLovesJesus-]

One guy that really helped me massively was Mark Dejesus here on youtube, he also talks about intrusive thoughts. I like him bc he talks about christian advice that I’ve never heard anywhere else and the power of God’s love 😮‍💨😮‍💨 it will do wonders for you, you can have it playing the background

[@naturallybecoming831]

I really felt the part about being something to be looked at and not anything deeper than that. It made me cry because i realize that was the purpose I gave myself when interacting with men. And that’s the kind of treatment I’ve gotten I guess I hadn’t thought I deserved better.

[@alessiasutherberry]

Bless you my love. Please don't blame and shame yourself - it is patriarchy and capitalism that has made our bodies a commodity! You totally do deserve better. 💗💗💗💗

[@Psalm27.mp4]

My mom projects the need to always look good onto me.

[@alessiasutherberry]

I am so sorry to hear that my lovely. You don't deserve that. I hope you know you don't owe your mum anything. You are worthy exactly as you are. ❤❤❤

[@mzniecy6012]

Ok so I’m not alone!ppl found/find me weird becuz I don’t care for men like that.While I do find them attractive I could care less wat they think of me

[@jasonzadoyan2631]

The reason you couldn't care less what Men think of you is because you are not attractive and have no personality that is admirable and are very manly.

[@thetunelsong]

The part of "thinking as a baby" actually is helpful. I just thought about my kid self a how she was beautiful and did not care about other people's thoughts. Just feels like I'm making that pure little girl suffer and humiliating her by caring about people's opinions this much. Is kind weird thinking that as a little girl I knew more about what I want then now and that as u said, I lost through the years the capacity of seen beauty on only being me. Really helpful video, I'm definitely working on this❤.

[@simplysophy]

I feel like as women we are brainwashed that beauty is better than having brains even in the littlest ways and we have to unlearn !!!!!!! 💪🏻💪🏻

[@miksahenkrich6270]

This was so good to watch as a guy. A lot of us guys what we really care about is to meet someone who's really passionate about life, caring, and a thrill to get to know to, not a person whose priorities are just the way they are seen by others. We want best friends, someone to share the human experience with and not trophies, and it's super empowering to know you have interests, passions and a voice, cause that's how we know we will never run out of things to talk about. Imagine, if I see that external things are all you care about, I'll feel insecure, cause how will you see my internal values then, and how will I find them in you? Ladies dare to be real and real men will notice instantly❤

[@alessiasutherberry]

💜💜💜💜💜💜this was so lovely to read

[@mionaa05]

Dude this is so incredibly nice it made me cry… God bless you mate!!🙏

[@miksahenkrich6270]

happy for that@@alessiasutherberry:)

[@miksahenkrich6270]

@@mionaa05 bless ya!!

[@bettyrubble2628]

Sisters, please don't be impressed by @miksahenkrich6270 's comment. Level 1 is not caring how men think of our looks. But level 2 to freedom and enlightenment is to not care what they think about our personalities or souls etc. If you are a beautiful human soul, who cares if that's something men want???? I hate seeing internet comments where men assure us that some certain things they find attractive or like. Do they think we should decide how to live or who to be based on if men like it?? 🤷

[@themasterofherself1109]

I like how shame-free this talk was. It was like a chat with your sister. So helpful and heart warming 💓.

[@alessiasutherberry]

aw that is exactly what I wanted it to feel like 🥰💖💗😘 xxxx

[@enamoradadelavidaa]

i need to listen to this everyday

[@alessiasutherberry]

Bless you🥰❤️

[@shanouboubou]

I'm starting to understand that more and more. I don't need to be seen as attractive because that doesn't actually make me more or less attractive. What does is my intelligence, my way of thinking, my passion, my sense of humor, my kindness and also my willingness to see my own weaknesses. We all have those. I try to work on them and accept them - and That is what make someone beautiful, not someone's else gaze. The people who love you will find you beautiful. That's all that matters 💛

[@alessiasutherberry]

Aw my lovely, this comment made me feel so happy and warm. Thank you! 💕💕💕💕

[@1day2dayme]

I wish I could come across your channel much earlier! Nonetheless, now is a good timing too. I feel for many of us, female or male, we all are programmed to seek validation from others in most stages of life. In primary school, we seek validation from the teachers so we are deemed as smart or validation from our coach if we are the sports type. Then middle school and high school, as self-awareness is growing, we seek validation from our peers. We want to be popular. Then, in adulthood, we seek male validation or female validation so that we are deemed as "desirable" in mate selection, or we seek validation from our bosses. Ultimately, seeking validation from society, for being "successful". Not often enough have we asked, "How about myself? Do I accept myself? Or do I need to live up to standards set by others who might not have my best interest at heart?"

[@alessiasutherberry]

Do I accept myself? - you are right - that is the most important thing ❤

[@sevdetokatl2409]

these were really helpful pieces of advice. The motto "think like a baby" can help us in every area of life. even if we as women are focused on ourselves, to be the best version ourselves, sometimes it can be tough to adapt to this world with this mentality but also this mentality rescues us form the negativity of this world and social media. it is sometimes all about competition and as a caring woman after a while, u realize that we don't need to be compared. and it's not about men. we just need to recover from our traumas and love, and care for ourselves as we are and not try to change our personalities or appearances for a "man/woman". we need to change when we are ready to change. and the decision to change should only be for ourselves. ladddiiiies focus on your journey. you own yourself a beautiful life and you can just start with baby steps it doesn't matter. just remember that you are on your own in your journey and you have to give a GREAT shot. when you value your being and try to your best, you attract all the good things to your life. it can be love, success, independence, money etc.

[@alessiasutherberry]

Thank you for this💗💗

[@TinaGlorioso]

I’m feeling particularly ugly today as I’m 68 and things have changed! This really hit home and it’s a beautiful message and brought tears to my eyes. I may have even gone the opposite way because I was sick of unwanted male attention, so now I’m 50 pounds overweight. I just want to be normal, healthy and be able to love myself. This struggle is real! You are absolutely beautiful inside and out and your message is appreciated and needed! It’s amazing how we get programmed in the wrong ways. Women power!!!!

[@Doyoujustlovethepain]

I strongly support you ❤👏🏻👏🏻

[@alessiasutherberry]

Oh my gosh - I really really appreciate your vulnerability and honesty. I see your strength. You are a beautiful soul - your ability to self reflect and share your truth is admirable. Please know you are not alone on this journey - you have me and this KZbin community by your side. xx 💗

[@alessiasutherberry]

@@Doyoujustlovethepain 💗🥰

[@alicec.6195]

I miss when I was little and didn't care about how I looked. I remember the day I started caring.

[@lmy222]

If somebody struggles with finding things you like about yourself I have a scenario I create that helps me to tap into this perspective. It's about imagining meeting a clone of yourself and becoming best friends with them. What are the traits you are grateful for to finally have in a friend? What qualities are your grateful for in this friend? What are you excited to do together with this friend? This little shift in perspective really helps me :)

[@alessiasutherberry]

This is so so useful, thank you so much for sharing lovely xx💘💘

[@alessiasutherberry]

Do you mind if I share this with everyone in a video soon? SO VALUABLE ! ✨🥰🥰

[@anaochoa]

that's so useful, thanks

[@running2348]

I am 17 currently in 12th grade and i absolutely hate the way i look i have a friend who is very beautiful and i have been with her since childhood i have always watched people adore her love her as a child it didnt affected me that much but as i grew up it took up my mind and i hate myself because I'm not pretty at all still i try to look beautiful just for the boys so they like me and i feel so fake and when i gain bit of weight I'm ashamed of myself when i go out. Earlier i used to be very creative and a very good child with good academics but now for the past years i have been depressed and my grades are high and low. It effects me everyday just like you said in the video i wake up and my first thought is am i beautiful. I'm very tired of life sometimes i think about things i shouldn't think of. This video helps but my mind is now built in such a way that i cant escape. I know i have so much potential but everything is going to waste

[@Monxtv]

just keep looking at videos like this, you can do this, eventually your brained will rewire itself even if you struggle to believe it, just keep listening.. it will take time, but is not impossible. come on i believe in youu :) accept that you envy your friend, accept that you feel ugly sometimes, accept things how they are and how much time you have wasted, and slowly move on! theres nothing to be ashamed of, your reality is just a result of society's ideas, dont let them win!

[@Monxtv]

@running2348 also, believe me, at your age all those things matter a lot, cause it is when we try to find our place in society. But as you grow up older, youll realize that all that youre trying to do is to find the validation you never got from your family, your parents. is not really about her or you, is about how your parents made you feel growing up and how they make you feel now. do shadow work :)

[@running2348]

@@Monxtv hey sorry for late reply i read your comment it made me very happy and comfortable I'll work on myself as you said :) thank you for taking your time to write this. More love to you ♡

[@fatimahfilms.]

You can

[@leksa_0089]

We need more of this content around us. This is an EXTREMELY important topic. Thank you so much for sharing and helping the people struggling with this ❤❤❤

[@alessiasutherberry]

Thank you so so much babe! ❤ Lots of love x

[@anonymousa-uy1hk]

I couldn’t agree more! The incels are gonna lose their sh*t!

[@alessiasutherberry]

@@anonymousa-uy1hk 💞

[@anna-sleeps]

I’ve got to say in my experience the desire for male validation vanished on its own by the time I was like 25. I simply felt it wasn’t worth it and thus run out of fcks without even noticing - and I suspect I’m not the only one *now that I think about it though, I’m kinda scared of getting old because I still feel that being perceived as pretty makes it easier for me to have people act nicely around me

[@TriggerHappyThoughts]

Well if it makes you feel better, realistically people will still treat you nicely as long as you don't look really deformed or something. If you're an attractive girl or boy, aging isn't gonna make you look so ugly you'll face social prejudice

[@KimberlyLovesJesus-]

Yeah, I’m 17 and I’ve slowly stopped caring. It’s freeing. I don’t hate men but it is exhausting trying to root your confidence in their attention

[@XOXO2190diplodiplo]

Im 18 and watching your video helped me focus on my personal development...just a year ago i decided to shift my focus on myself and not seek out any external male validation of any sort and definitely it isnt easy but ive been seeing progress ..thank you so much for your advice Alessia ❤.

[@cleaclover2548]

this video changed my life. Im still in school and always am trying to look good for men like id be there talking to my friend and i notice a guy looking at me my brain would go like play with you hair or touch your neck just putting guys on a pedestal as if getting male validation is the most important thing in the world. i belive its okay to need some validation as long as it doesn;t rule ya life also dress up nice, smell good do those things to feel good about yaself DO IT FOR YOURSELF LADIES!

[@alessiasutherberry]

Aw thank you so much for commenting lovely! 😘💜🥰 Go you!!!!

[@Tienesrazonrazon]

Ahhh, estoy tan agradecida de que haya encontrado un vídeo así, me pasaba todo el tiempo y no puedo concentrarme en la universidad por eso. Pensé que sólo me pasaba a mi. Estar enfocada siempre en la atención también te quita energía

[@alessiasutherberry]

aw my love you are not alone AT ALL. We all get you 😘🥰

[@juliakasuya6860]

Thank You for this. I’m 15, and I always think about what other people think about me (specifically men). I felt pressured, and I even questioned my identity because what if they don’t like this, what if they don’t like that Dadadada. This video really made me self-aware about male validation.

[@blakelylafleur5380]

I've gone so long not realizing that this is a mindset that I suffer from and honestly something that was very embarrassing for me to come to terms with.

[@Diary.ofadaughter]

This is something I'm slowly realising through therapy but as a mother to a 6 year old daughter and a sister with 3 young sisters I'm so grateful for this kind of content. Social media terrifies me for them, but this is so valuable. And you're so right, I kept attracting people focused on my appearance because I was even though I don't value that in other people at all! Thank you for putting practical tools with this video too.

[@livinglife4273]

This is THE perfect video that I needed. How many times have I been here thinking about male validation literally all the time? Especially since going to college! Maybe it’s because I go to college in Korea and there are couples everywhere and my friends are in relationships? Anyways I will rewatch this video over and over whenever I need to. It’s time for me to focus on things I actually enjoy. I’ve always been someone that thought I would still prioritize my friends whether I was in a relationship or not but now I can focus on them regardless, I don’t need to be in a relationship at all. These are random thoughts lol I mean I usually don’t comment on videos. Why was a getting emotional watching this 😅 great video either way!

[@alessiasutherberry]

Bless you! I am so so happy to hear that this video has helped in some way! Honestly I completely understand what you are going through, it is sooooo hard to detach from pleasing the male gaze! You are amazing for standing up for yourself. Thank you for reaching out and for being so honest and sweet. Sending a big hug your way ❤❤

[@fionam3735]

What an interesting topic, this resonates with me and sadly so much of my time has been wasted on this. How powerful women could be if we didn’t participate in the patriarchal society we are consumed by! A rebellious act to focus on anything else other than our external looks. I’m not sure I will ever be free of

[@maarinaa]

Honestly male validation (and also the validation of other people that I didn't even like character wise) has led me to believe that I was actually an introvert except being really outgoing as a kid. At parties I would worry SO MUCH about how I looked, if I looked pretty, confident, funny,.. that I started having physical panic reactions. I wouldn't allow myself to be me and therefore hated socializing, cause why would you like a situation where you're constantly trying to control what you're saying and asking yourself, if you're doing a good enough performance? Now through the help of therapy I get more and more aware of those thought patterns and actually start discovering, that I DO like specializing and really connecting with people. All the worrying about people's opinions really sucks out your beautiful spirit you've got within you.

[@alessiasutherberry]

Can I firstly just say, good for you for going to therapy!!! It's so so wonderful to hear that you're becoming more aware of the thought patterns that have been affecting you. It sounds like you've been on a journey to rediscover yourself, and that's a beautiful thing. It's true that worrying about others' opinions can be quite draining, and it's liberating when you begin to embrace your authentic self and enjoy connecting with people without the burden of constant self-monitoring. Your beautiful spirit shines through, and I'm glad you're finding your way back to a more genuine and fulfilling experience with socialising. 🌟

[@maarinaa]

Thank you so much for your kind words 🫶

[@alessiasutherberry]

@@maarinaa lots of love lovely xx💘🥰

[@EliseFreshwaterBlizzard]

This is such a beautiful video- thank you for making this. A tip I have found over the years, is to think of someone you love wholeheartedly- now question yourself; , how much of that love is dependent on *just* how they look? and how much of it is because of how they have made you *feel*? I have found that using this question helps, because you always remember a friend's smile, creativity, inner-beauty etc. Now flip this! and think about the fact that your friends see *you* like that, too! They see your smile, your warmth, the feeling you give them when you walk in a room. Your character is certainly what leads you, and what remains in other's eyes.

[@alessiasutherberry]

Aw what a great tip !!! Thank you so much for your words of wisdom lovely! 💗🥰😘 xxx

[@sarah.j.777]

exactly. I'm here to look the way I want and do what I want.

[@alessiasutherberry]

Go you!!🥰🫶

[@mariposamoreno]

THANK YOU. THANK YOU. SELF LOVE FIRST AND LAST. to hell with what men or anyone thinks about your looks, beauty comes from within- not just without!!

[@alessiasutherberry]

Beauty does come from within 🥰💘❤ lots of love xx

[@catalinagatita]

I'm trying to fall in love with myself. I want to be Irresistible and I'll do Whatever it Takes

[@ratratrat234]

Thank you so much for this I’m in my first year of college and I realised I was turning into a monster . College started a month ago and at first I didn’t care about men but as soon as guys started complimenting me and started obsessing over looking good only for them. I used to wear clothes that pleased me but now I do not which makes me so sad. This video has really saved me I cried throughout this u are incredible 💕

[@alessiasutherberry]

Omg you are not a monster at all lovely!!! Bless you! It is not your fault! Thank you for commenting lovely and for being so open and honest. Xx🥰💗❤️

[@jazbrehaut]

I’ve been in this content space with myself for a few years now. It completely changes the way you experience men. It’s a lot more relaxing & you end up attracting more men ironically (except you truly don’t care)… eventually you realize how unimpressive or boring a lot of men are when they can’t swoon you with words. In return makes you want to invest further into your authentic most high self. The less you care about attracting them, the more you end up attracting. Lol

[@alessiasutherberry]

It really does shift things, doesn’t it? When you’re more at peace with yourself, everything feels more relaxed and genuine. 💖

[@elenacalimac8568]

i can't tell you how much this resonated with me and helped me. i thought i was the only one feeling like this and felt kinda crazy :)

[@alessiasutherberry]

This is so great to hear lovely ! 🥰💗 You are certainly not alone!!! I get you ☺️❤️ x

[@barbiedoll44]

switching the narrative to looking good and feeling good FOR ME. taking care of me FOR ME. no one else. asking myself the question who am i living life for? my inner child, forever and always. i love her and as long as i have her validation i’m set!

[@janieli]

I loved this video so much!!! I was working out today and I couldn't help but feel like I needed to look perfect for the men in the gym even though I'm sure they weren't even paying attention. I realized this was stemming from my desire to want validation and the feeling of obligation to perform in front of others. I watched this video and it really helped to realize that my purpose is not to look physically attractive for others and that I have so many other features (like my personality) that is more important anyways. Thanks for this video

[@alessiasutherberry]

Hey lovely. I bloody love that you feel other features like personality are more important. It is so hard to come to this realisation - it took me ages. 🥰 I also get the gym panic thing. I find gyms a very hard environment to ease into. It feels like your body is on display xx

[@LongTime-ep1mc]

I'm a dude that's been working on the same issue but with women. Seems not caring what people think has made me care MORE about how I look. Finally working on having the body I want and less distracted by what I think people want from me.

[@justtalkingaboutnothing]

you are so beautiful, I just got out a terrible relationship with a manipulative man who treated me like a punching bag. if I wasn't perfect in his eyes or dedicate my entire self worth to him he would verbally and emotionally abuse me. it was so sad. I didn't feel like a human anymore. so thank you much love

[@alessiasutherberry]

I'm really sorry to hear about the extremely painful experience you went through in that toxic relationship. Nobody deserves to be treated that way, and it's truly admirable that you've recognised your worth and made the brave decision to move forward. You are deserving of love, respect, and happiness. Sending you lots of love! You are not alone. ❤❤❤

[@Evie170]

This is a great video. I've spent most of my life trying to be 'good enough' for men, but honestly, I'm one of those women who can never be 'good enough 'for them anyway, so I don't really care anymore...Especially now that I'm in my late 40s...I think I tried so hard for so long to be attractive enough for them, as I'm an only child, so there was a lot of pressure on me growing up to find a partner, get married and have children...None of those things happened, so I was a great disappointment to my parents...But yes, I honestly think there's a group of women that men really just reject outright, and I think I belong to that group, so it was such a waste of my time trying to get their approval, when they would just reject me anyway...

[@alessiasutherberry]

I'm really glad you enjoyed the video, and I appreciate you sharing your thoughts and feelings. It can be tough when societal pressures and expectations weigh on us, especially when it comes to finding a partner and having children. You are a unique individual with your own journey, and there's no one-size-fits-all approach to life. You are so valuable and worthy whatever you choose to do with your life! You don't owe anyone anything! If you ever want to chat more, feel free to reach out. 😊x

[@aagyajain]

This video feels like I needed this since years. My childhood experiences and some of my body issues have made me so insecure about my looks that I constantly chase male validation to feel happiness and experience self worth. When I don't get the same attention from my crush, my self confidence lowers down. Being single since years, also makes me question, Am I not attractive? All these thoughts have made me depend my happiness on others .

[@milagrqs]

Thank you so much for this video, you have really changed my life I believe this is the type of content young women should be watching for self development and progress. Other coaches like The Wizard Liz (for example) have a harmful approach in my opinion, sure they preach to love yourself but they give tips on how to get to do it while cattering to men at the same time, which is very questionable. As women, we need to defy such male dominated system, not conform to it, this is the only way to be truly free, otherwise we will be subject to men and will never obtain real liberation. Ladies please learn to love yourself by your OWN terms and not according to what men think is valuable or not within yourself. You want to get princess treatment? you can treat yourself as such, you don´t need to impress no man, and please keep in mind the importance of questioning wether you are trying to make changes that come from the desire to appeal to others or if your are doing it for the sake of own peace and self realisation. ❤️

[@juana4067]

omggg, I've been thinking about this a lot lately... and I also felt embarrassed by men's perspective on me, and I felt so guilty about it, thanks for talking about this, its veeery important I'm glad you want to help other women 💜💜

[@alessiasutherberry]

Aw thank you for commenting lovely 🥰💗❤️

[@magalideniseboniardi3190]

i'm so grateful to have found your channel. i've been spiraling, being angry at myself for focusing so much on the male gaze but this made me feel so seen and understood. thank you so much for this space you created

[@alessiasutherberry]

You are more than welcome my love 🥰❤️💘💗 I've got you 💘💘💘

[@Noranora1313-e3p]

Wow I have never heard anyone talking about this subject...having my husband putting me down consistently ( you look like a monster, you will age badly, you are fat, you are skinny...he is never pleased and never complimented me in any way since I married him) I started to put more effort in my appearance and still get nothing from him, but from everyone else, they say how beautiful, gorgeous, fit, hot, sexy, attractive...ect. I have had people stopping me to ask for my number in shops and streets ...It feels so good because no woman wants to be neglected,we want to be desirable however, it can dominate your life. Thank you for this video it's like I was asleep and you woke me up to stop trying to get validation.

[@alessiasutherberry]

I'm truly sorry to hear about the hurtful comments from your husband. You deserve to be appreciated and loved just as you are. Please know that you are not alone. You always have this community that care about your well-being and happiness.💘

[@Noranora1313-e3p]

You touch my heart, I appreciate it Alessia❤

[@alessiasutherberry]

💘🥰🤗💗@@Noranora1313-e3p

[@hyonas666]

A big thing with this for me is reminding myself that I would only ever want a relationship with someone that knows exactly what I look like and likes it. I never felt comfortable getting fully natural/taking photos/etc in front of my boyfriends and realized that is NOT NORMAL guys!!