What a Secure Relationship Actually Looks Like

[@kaylilarkin]

Make sure to download my guide for Anxious Attachment on the 10 Ways to Build Secure Attachment and a Fulfilling Relationship: www.kaylilarkin.com/guide-for-anxious-attachment-yt-wdasrafl

[@leialuminous]

Oh man, when you start being the secure person you see everyone's attachment styles within minutes. 😅 Healing is possible!

[@kaylilarkin]

Awareness is an eye opener 😅 Thanks for watching!

[@imaniford119]

@@kaylilarkin So true!

[@victordragos4623]

yes,but in the same time finding a compatible partner becomes harder...😢😂😂

[@MikeWangCoaching]

Being able to work as a team is one of my biggest indicators.

[@kaylilarkin]

Yes, problem solving just feels easier for sure.

[@talori5417]

I was anxious in the first year of my relationship. I told him I was and I didn’t act on my anxiety. I got teary eyed at times when talking about my feelings but He listened and validated my feelings. He opened up to me and I did the same for him. It’s two years now. I’m no longer anxious, we have great communication and I’m sooo happy!

[@kaylilarkin]

Wow, way to build a secure relationship! 🎉

[@annettecoombs9842]

I was in a toxic marriage for 34 years. After 5 years on my own, I met a wonderful man who made me feel calm and safe. This was never the case with my ex-husband. I was always stressed. This secure relationship feels so wonderful. ❤

[@cutechiangels]

Oh, good for you! That's my aim too! Safe and secure is the way to go! I wish for my M. Right to come into my life very soon! 🙏🌟💕

[@Angela-ul9si]

I can’t imagine this at all. I have realized that I have never had a relationship without abuse in the dynamics. If you don’t mind me asking. How old were you when you parted ways with your ex? I’m a bit older and do not have any family,friends,nor coworkers. I’ve been in a bedroom for a few decades and was wondering if others made it on their own somehow esp if they don’t have any support systems at all.

[@ishtaneel8305]

I’ve been with both secure & avoidant partner. D difference is heaven & hell kinds. Trust me secure men exist & they can heal ppl around them 🎉 just by their presence

[@kaylilarkin]

Yes! I've been there too. Imagine the healing in the world if everyone worked on becoming more secure. Thank you for sharing your experience, it's an inspiration for people.

[@youtubesurfer1533]

wow, beautifully said!

[@cutechiangels]

​@@kaylilarkin Thanks for your good vids. And, your voice tone and language so soothing and calm yet enjoyable to listen to. It would be a totally different more harmonious world if more people would be secure and safe. I am. But, I haven't yet come across many like me, if none, really!! Sad but true. I do wish for a lively circle of tight knit friends and a lovely man, just right for me, to come onto my life very soon. 🙏🌟💕 I really deserve that. 😊

[@youtubesurfer1533]

Intuition is the light, it tells you about everything if your brain is silent enough!

[@kaylilarkin]

Well said!

[@snapdragonfly6652]

The important piece is that communication and trust- feeling safe enough to have boundaries (even when it may disappoint the other).

[@kaylilarkin]

Definitely! So important...

[@yored8853]

I had this insecure relationships where I kept my feelings to myself just to keep the peace, and avoid conflict. It started out great, and then suddenly I’m walking on egg shells and wondering if I did something wrong. I’m happy to say that I am finally in a secure relationship with a good man who I am so comfortable with❤ But yeah, it took a lot of learning about myself and working on my insecurities to have this peace. Thank you for your video! I really like to listen to you and what you have to say

[@kaylilarkin]

Thank you for sharing! I’m glad you were able to experience how amazing a secure relationship can be.

[@MarcinWojtczuk]

Being able to just tell her on a first date that I like her, after she clearly told me the same felt incredible. I don't need to hide myself to get her, no need for insecure games. We just like each other or not, let's have a second date and continue finding out - but the start was good.

[@kaylilarkin]

That sounds like a promising first date 😊

[@dzuckman]

At 56 I finally have this

[@kaylilarkin]

🎉 Congratulations! That is inspiration for other folks watching this, it's never too late. 👏

[@Mamabear7388]

That’s great. There’s hope for me too then .😂

[@clarascully68]

Yes, I’ve finally found it at the age of 57. I told him I have anxious attachment and why. He does everything in his power to help me feel secure. I’ve worked on myself for years and finally been attracted to a secure partner. Never thought it would happen.

[@Gabriela-jo7mg]

I have never heard, felt, or lived security. Thank you so much for explaining this expansiveness. I could actually understand this. Your tone, speed, etc. Made it easy to comprehend. Thank you ❤

[@kaylilarkin]

Oh good, I'm glad it was helpful! 💖

[@MatthewWillis-l9p]

This is really helpful thank you. I'm 36 and I feel like this will help me become secure in my relationships.

[@kaylilarkin]

Thanks for watching -- You got this!

[@bmae3055]

Right now I'm struggling with shrinking myself to manage my partners emotions. Thank you for this video!

[@kaylilarkin]

That can certainly be challenging! I have some videos on boundaries if you're interested. Thanks for watching and taking the time to comment 😊

[@aaronpaull580]

The new relationship I’m in finally after 45 years of life is exactly a secure relationship 🎉❤

[@kaylilarkin]

Congratulations! 🎉🎉🎉

[@jessenoelle262]

Thinking unpredictability = chemistry. Oh, and the part about eye contact, too. That one has been a challenge in nearly all my relationships, not just the romantic ones. Been working on mindfulness and presence, and building resilience and faith to step 6 of my comfort zone to practice more healthier eye contact.

[@kaylilarkin]

Yes, separating out unpredictability is a good one. I think I mentioned eye contact in some of my other videos. Very helpful to look at a partner so you can be attuned. Thanks for sharing 😊

[@elsagrace3893]

I have secure relationships with my cat and my dog…..also goats.

[@kaylilarkin]

I hear you, and It’s totally valid to have strong connections with animals. Some people explore what they love about those relationships and see how those qualities might translate to connections with people. Also, goats are awesome! 😊

[@ployployploy5213]

@@kaylilarkinvery nice answer you're so secure person❤

[@Lambert7785]

******* very nice and useful :). I noticed a while back that when someone actually loves you, it feels proactively different than when they don't have much feeling for you (this was the aha! moment)...also, when a person loves you, it's kind of like a miracle sometimes: they just do, and if you treat them well, they will just continue to love you :)

[@kaylilarkin]

I love that! 💗

[@bell10877]

I think the bit about consistency, doing what they say they will , brings so much security and trust... and then I feel much more easygoing and safe . And they other things you mentioned become much easier too.. if that trust is there from consistency . Thanks

[@kaylilarkin]

It does make a difference! Thank you for sharing your experience.

[@r.lknight2716]

At 41 ive never had this sounds like a nice fantasy

[@kaylilarkin]

I hope it becomes a reality for you some day 😊

[@carmelapengelly5008]

Helpful, thank you.

[@kaylilarkin]

I'm glad it was helpful! Thanks for watching.

[@fandreamsoul]

thank you! I’m learning a lot :)

[@kaylilarkin]

I'm happy to hear that! 😊

[@steelbruce5737]

Sounds amazing!

[@kaylilarkin]

Yes, secure relationships really are amazing 🤩

[@helenphan6496]

I had a secure relationship when I was 20yo, I didn’t create it and I didn’t keep it either. It took me over 20yrs in a difficult marriage, difficult divorce and difficult bf after marriage for me to understand my value does not have to be earned, also my value doesn’t decrease or increase, it just is and that’s beautiful. I don’t regret my path, however I would never want to repeat either. I feel that I am able to appreciate the most important things more now then if I hadn’t experienced the journey of discovering my heart and home. Life is beautiful and we all get to give is a personalized meaning from our personalized view point.

[@kaylilarkin]

Thank you so much for sharing. Those are beautiful realizations about your inherent worth.

[@squidsweat]

i thought i had this then his personality changed and made various decisions and said some things... now i feel like im dieing and i cant talk to him about it because he gets annoyed defensive dismissive when i talk about the evil dreaded 'feelings' i feel like i am suffocating

[@jaydenstorey1562]

Explained very well. Thank you for this 👍🏻

[@kaylilarkin]

Glad it was helpful! Thank you!

[@brightpage1020]

"Attraction isn't supposed to feel like anxiety." 🎉 🎉 🎉 🎉 🎉 🎉 Say it again for the people in the back. 😅😊

[@kaylilarkin]

Lol, loud and clear 🤩

[@k-llove3336]

Very helpful ❤❤❤❤❤

[@kaylilarkin]

I'm glad it was helpful! 😊

[@FishareFriendsNotFood972]

Thank you for this, it's a helpful mirror to hold up to all relationships.

[@kaylilarkin]

Thanks for taking the time to watch and comment :) Yes, it's good to have a frame of reference.

[@traelmate37]

I felt like this in my last major relationship, but somewhere along the line something cataclysmic changed and she left. Was I trauma bonded? Codependent? And missed all the signs? The relationship I'm in now, I'm still considerate, loving, present. But if this collapses, yeah I'll be sad but not devastated like I once was. Am I actually in this? Or am I secure in this relationship? Sometimes being in a secure relationship is weird when experiencing it for the first time.

[@kaylilarkin]

Sounds like you're on the right path. Sometimes you gotta break a few eggs to make an omelette. When you're committed to the work, in each relationship you're building skills and awareness. And resilience too, nicely done!

[@eloramiller3492]

I really feel this. After 17 years of chaotic relationships, thinking that love meant that anxiety feeling she mentions, (and really just a perpetuation of my childhood experience of 'love'), I'm finally learning what real love is supposed to feel like. I haven't found it yet, but I have faith that I will. Here's to our healing journeys!

[@tradingrichmom]

Body trusts: calm gut feeling ❤

[@kaylilarkin]

yes, that calm gut feeling is a good signal 😊

[@robertshewchuk4255]

OMG! You really explained that well. Thank you:)...

[@kaylilarkin]

Glad it was helpful! 😊

[@sundog2273]

Thank you I never knew i have never experienced a secure relationship

[@kaylilarkin]

Thank you for sharing, that awareness can be really elucidating and a great place to start.

[@krispetersen744]

Very descriptive video. Very helpful!

[@kaylilarkin]

I'm happy to hear it was helpful, thanks for taking the time to comment!

[@clouddancer46]

Okay question about friendships outside of relationship. If someone you're dating constantly want to spend time with a female you don't know the female. And they're not transparent about it. How are you supposed to be secure about that?

[@kaylilarkin]

Hard to say from that description but if there's not transparency then that wouldn't lead to relational security. Transparency is required for security in my opinion, as are other traits like fairness and sensitivity and empathy.

[@a.reisens1673]

Such a great video. Thank you so much for this!

[@kaylilarkin]

I'm so glad you enjoyed it - thanks for taking the time to comment. Inspiration for the next one!

[@a.reisens1673]

@kaylilarkin Yes!! If you're looking for content ideas, it would be great to have a video about what healthy communication should look and feel like at the very beginning of a relationship (when you just meet someone and may not even be interested in dating). Just an idea 😊

[@kaylilarkin]

Thanks for the idea! 🙏🏻

[@kaylilarkin]

I just made one along those lines for dating and posted it today.

[@brightpage1020]

If 1 person in an insecure relationship gets healthier or more secure, can it positively effect the relationship as a whole? If that person can sustain security? Or will the insecure person always be throwing like wrenches in the works?

[@kaylilarkin]

It depends on the relationship I suppose -- how much security one brings and how much insecurity the other adds. But overall, one person bringing positive energy and change into the dynamic will make the whole relational system more secure. But not necessarily enough to make both people happy. Like I said, it depends.

[@EpicofEpica]

I became a little more secure at the end of my recent relationship and it honestly didn't impact them. They remained avoidant and bad at communicating. I gave up after 3 years of feeling unloved.

[@coenvanwyk1]

I was in such a relationship for ten years, and then she changed her mind. So for fifteen years now I have been trying to wih=n her back while she runs me down, disrespects me, lies to me. So I am moving on and doing my thing.

[@kaylilarkin]

Sounds like you are moving on and reclaiming your energy. Thanks for watching!

[@ninamac-c5t]

Hmmm, never had one!!

[@kaylilarkin]

Awareness is a good first step! Thanks for watching and commenting! I wish you all the best in your relational journey.

[@smokingcrab2290]

My marriage was a constant guessing game. She was all in it for herself

[@kaylilarkin]

Tough to be in relationship with someone who is acting like it's a 1 person system.

[@taahirkamalchagan4018]

FACTS

[@sincere42O]

Serious question. Can relationships change a persons attachment? I used to feel like I was secure, but this new one has me feeling QUITE avoidant.

[@kaylilarkin]

Yes, they can. But attachment styles aren't exactly fixed either. People are a blend and also show different styles with different people. That being said, they usually have a primary style. This happens frequently if you're dating someone who is more anxious, so it's bringing out avoidance for you, or vice versa.

[@brightpage1020]

❤ 🎉 ❤ 🎉 ❤ 🎉 ❤ 🎉 ❤ 🎉 ❤ 🎉 "You knew you were valued, respected, and loved"... "secure relationships are something you create" 🎉 ❤ 🎉 ❤ 🎉 ❤ 🎉 ❤ 🎉 ❤ 🎉 ❤

[@kaylilarkin]

Yes! Thanks for watching and for your comment 🙏🏻💕

[@jeyajourneys]

❤Love this

[@kaylilarkin]

Thank you, I appreciate you!

[@Anisky123]

Hi I’m new to dating at 60, am female. Met and went on a date that felt so comfortable and seemed we clicked on lots of levels. Seemed he was going to ask me out for a second date. He texted immediately that he’d had a fun time, good conversation. Then crickets. What is going on? It makes me not want to continue even trying. Please help.

[@kaylilarkin]

Oh that sounds confusing! And It could be so many things. For example: different priorities, not as interested as you thought, something came up, changed his mind, tech issues, fearful avoidant attachment - to name a few possibilities. You could try the Secure Love Toolkit to get some ideas for dating to find a secure relationship. Good luck, you got this!

[@Gmary-1]

Hello to everyone reading this. Right now, I'm inconsolable. My ex-partner left a few weeks ago, and I am heartbroken and saddened since this relationship is the best thing that has ever happened to me. Although I tried, I was unable to win him back. I don't know what to do, but I shouldn't be posting this here.

[@kaylilarkin]

I'm so sorry you're going through this - heartbreak is rough! Know that you’re not alone and if you need help you can reach out to get support, whether through my website or with someone else. I have a video on breakups for anxious attachment here: kzbin.info/www/bejne/i2K7mIOwe9x_edE

[@James-bc2oh]

Being in a secure relationship looks like being comfortable living by yourself and keeping toxic women out, women are great at talking about relationships and never practice what they preach, women don't problem solve, women cause the problem then want to be the hero by talking about problem solving the exact problem they created

[@kaylilarkin]

Sometimes! I know lots of women who are great problem solvers, and lots of men who are great problem creators. I suppose there are different types of problems as well. If I asked the woman she could probably give me 10 reasons why the man was the problem and vice versa.

[@novacolonel5287]

I was surprised to find out that I'm showing signs of anxious attachment. Too bad my girlfriend is more of the avoidant type. We managed until her dad died - she let me be there for her, and I was, but then she suddenly and very violently pushed me away. I talked her into giving it another chance and when she agreed it felt like a success. That was last Wednesday. Tomorrow we see each other again and I'm not sure if I want to continue this. I feel hurt, disrespected and, sadly, fearful of sudden rejection. Is this salvageable?

[@kaylilarkin]

That sounds hurtful, I'm sorry. If you'd like to work through it you can reach out at my website.

[@rebeccaskalare9445]

I have a man with whom I could have a secure relationship with, but I am not sexually attracted to him. What are your views about this? It’s not “fun” either for him or for me, I had to breakup and now we are friends but I hope somehow attraction to him will come (however I doubt it, we know each other for 3 years), and he hopes the same, the situation is not clear between us and maybe unhealthy.

[@kaylilarkin]

Feel free to reach out on my website if you'd like to explore this more. It sounds like you may have already come to an answer.

[@Portia620]

I disagree because there’s people that could be very secure and loyal and loving, and the person still not feel secured and that has to do with their own abandonment issues. That’s not our issue so for this to occur, you need to healthy people.

[@kaylilarkin]

Someone can have a secure relationship without being 100 percent secure. And they can be fairly secure with who they are but not secure in their relationship. I'm not sure 100% secure exists -- we're all a blend of styles. Most people are carrying around wounding of some kind and the world still has lots of secure relationships.

[@tonymaner5510]

I think that nowhere the perfect relationship could exist, too idealized...As time goes by, life-changing events that happen, needs, desires, feelings can constantly impact on people, even small nuances...Unconscious or conscious manipulation of the ones who think they have the upper hand or think they feel they are the strong in the relation, will ever exists unfortunately...The ideal balance can be utter utopia... The reality is that life looks like simple, but it's complex all the time...

[@d53101]

I thought I was in one until she dropped me for another guy and then told me who my replacement was.

[@kaylilarkin]

Ouch! Sorry to hear that 😬

[@manny6685]

Amen!

[@kaylilarkin]

Thanks for watching! 😊