What are some of the best out-of-context quotes from your campaigns?

[@MrRipper]

I just wanna know one thing: "How dangerous are we in?"

[@lukebeverly1353]

A lot

[@alisontibbens2155]

I'm @$$ing my laugh off here!

[@stonecoldsorcerer1644]

You have no idea. 𝙋𝙧𝙤𝙘𝙚𝙚𝙙𝙨 𝙩𝙤 𝙥𝙤𝙧𝙩𝙖𝙡 𝙖𝙬𝙖𝙮.

[@ComradeCorvus]

Has the same energy as "Does Bruno Mars Is Gay?"

[@ToasterBath]

A question for the ages

[@supersoulfilledsanvich9869]

"Wait, can he read" "Must have been the wind" "The rat lives " "Shoyld have used magic missle" "GOBLINS" With Malicous intent "Woah woah woah, what if you pursued a career in dance" "Can I return this rapier, it only has my blood on it" "Oh shit I'm a mom" "Throwing a tombstone at a zombie, fitting" "No time to explain, get in the bag" "OK that's it, I'm pulling our the sword" And my favorite "THE BIRDS, THEY LEARNED ARCHERY"

[@themaddoctor5304]

Uh.....I....what....I HAVE SO MANY QUESTIONS!

[@supersoulfilledsanvich9869]

@@themaddoctor5304 to be fair so do i

[@TheTolnoc]

One from an Alchemist Artificer former soldier I ran: "Please, mercy!" Artificer, pulling out a Desert Eagle with 'Mercy' engraved on the barrel: 'Okay, if you insist...'

[@Nox-eg3rq]

That's the most badass shit I have ever seen this week

[@PharaohOfTheDamned]

i can hear this xD

[@ayuballena8217]

I can imagine it so well

[@onimenno]

"No. Using basilisk venom for rock, paper, scissors is cheating...also illegal."

[@ayuballena8217]

who even said basilisk venom

[@lord1315]

The server I’m with for online play dnd has a channel here’s a few: “The ground is queefing” “I’ll be drop dead gorgeous without the gorgeous” “Oh yeah, that’s definitely warp bone approved.”

[@frogimon]

The first quote causes a great amount of concern

[@iloshwdgac9213]

"That's salvation with an acceptable margin of error" "one is a kidnapping, 8 is a fieldtrip"

[@rocksnrolls]

"So, hypothetically, if one had kicked the town guard captain in the nuts before they knew they were the captain of the guard... would that still result in serious trouble?"

[@Dualbladedscorpion7737]

Yes...

[@TotallyNotCPU]

"Okay, roll for pickle" was the highlight of my first session as a DM. That and maybe the crew deciding they'd go on a quest to find a real Olive Garden.

[@Boundless-Boredom]

“Magic is Bullshit” - a mage obsessed with magic explaining arcane theory

[@Nox-eg3rq]

Pretty accurate

[@angeliquedooley4199]

A few of my favorites from three different campaigns; "Watch out, the Mouse tends to explode....even as a plant" "Nothing seems to change but as you go for a split, you feel a strange pain in your groin" "You're telling me I'm crazy?! Me and my pinkie want nothing more to do with you" "I wack him in the face with my bush" "Don't look the Mouse in the eyes, bad things tend to happen" "There is a door, and a window, right? We should go through the floor" "This is what happens when you mess with the Missing Member people"

[@guestb8389]

"THE SUCCUBI ARE COMING! HIDE YO HUSBAND! AND HIDE YO KIDS!" "That just sounds like Darling in the Franxx anime without the butt sex." "Isn't that just Evangelion?" "Oh yeah! ... Isn't this just Evangelion?" "So I basically just got Za Warudo'd?" "Welp, the Barkeep is dead, what do we do now?" "FREE BEER!" "I ain't gonna get talked down to by some Dragon Ball Z reject."

[@007narufan]

"those are bold words for people grouped in a 30 foot cone" I haven't laughed this hard in a while. also very well executed Dave

[@davemakesnoises]

Thanks friendo

[@CobaltKitty]

“So, let me get this straight, you are the vessel for a god of destruction, you are the head of an assassin’s guild, you run a world government and you are single-handedly the most powerful spellcaster in this plane of existence... What exactly do you need me for?” “Well you’re the only one of us who has a gun.”

[@MrNickDrago]

"I'll stay in the burning building, where it's safe"

[@TheGraveKnight]

From the only two sessions I've played in so far "Why do you look like we fished you out of the ocean?: "I think they'll be distracted by my blue skin." and my personal favorite "This would've gone fine if you didn't bitch-slap the robot"

[@shanbruland]

A few weeks ago, I asked the following question in character. It disabled the table for 20 minutes, breaking the DM for at least 10 of those. "Are the gates of Hell moist yet? No, I'm not asking if your boss is aroused."

[@Ravenovia]

(Typed by my sister, from our Deadlands campaign) “Rules, schmules.” (Said by a police officer) “That wasn’t smooth jazz-that was rough jazz.” “Jim Bowie? More like…stupid…smelly…” “Genius.” “I don’t because I’m a cool horse guy.” “Be right back.” “…he’s coming to kick my ass.” “I got Da Book.” “What Da Book say?” “What Da Book say.” “Silence, harlot.” “He be movin.” “He be groovin!” “Rest in piss.” "I ASK THE HOBO-- I ASK-- I ASK *HIM!* I-- I- G-I GO!” And, most importantly… “Do you really have to quote everything?!”

[@GearShotgun]

"Silence, harlot" is just the "Begone, Thot" of the wild west

[@ZerosWolf]

"We need to protect Raph's dirty socks."

[@PantherCat64]

I don't know what would be better, knowing the context or still being oblivious to it.

[@ZerosWolf]

@@PantherCat64 It's just a codename for an Artifact which got disguised by minor illusiin, but out of context the sentence is wild

[@PantherCat64]

@@ZerosWolf Thank you, this made my day.

[@ellen2321]

"There's probably some useful stuff in here." -DM flipping through DMG 1yr into campaign Monk: Does anyone here have a soul? Warlock: I don't *own* it but I *have* it. "Eat a hamburger, you coward!"

[@magatsu6811]

"Who put their pubes in my soup?" Even in context it's cursed af.

[@zinmaster24]

Here's one from the campaign I was part of a while back. "I want to eat a dragon." "Not before I seduce it." "Hey how's it going, Chicken Wing?" "It's going good, Ham Sandwich." "So why do we need these flowers?" "So the magistrate will have something decent to look at."

[@daultonl.608]

“Uncle Vinny Must Die!” “War crimes are what I’m best at.” -Morxan the Battlemaster

[@BusterBuizel]

“I CAST SHIT YOURSELF!” -My Chaotic Good Necromancer who can manipulate food (as all food is made out of dead stuff)

[@centric3125]

With that context, I am now imagining a Bandit suddenly and rather forcefully expelling everything he's eaten in the past day, possibly ripping his trousers I. The process. This image is both horrifying and hilarious at the same time.

[@mdalsted]

As far as I can remember, the best one went something like this: "Note to self: Never bathe again!"

[@scullfang]

“the solar knows i’m not lying so it better have hurt his feelings” -the angry gnome

[@nonya9120]

"We are going to need.... A new Timmy."

[@Zarkonem]

"Sheep buggerer!" "Well at least, unlike when you do it, she was able to enjoy it."

[@icecreamorc]

The Kombocha is a long running joke in our game. If somebody witnesses something awful happen to another character they express pity and offer the same bottle of room temperature Kombocha that nobody actually wants. It's exchanged hands about 6 times so far.

[@sunnybee91]

"I call the chicken an asshole" "Can I lick this dragon?" "I'm confused....are vampires edible or not dammit?????" "OOOOOOH! THAT'S WHY YOU DON'T TOUCH A MIMIC!"

[@chaos4654]

"The Goblin revved up his 5ft wooden stick like a chainsaw."

[@PantherCat64]

Here's a few: "WHAT'S UP WITH THE STARS!!!" -A kolbold repeatedly chasing and harassing the local villagers with a scroll. "I'm getting in that kitchen and taking the royal cheese if it's the last thing I do! Where is the armory, I need explosives." -A very angry blue Tabaxi. "Uh... I'll sleep with the bard. Wait..." -A player that didn't realize what he just said. "I give them the soap." -a character who was about to be shot by darts. "Oh right, I forgot the players killed the old lady in the other game."-The DM checking his maps to figure out where we went. "I forgot to buy clothing when making the character template and I want to live up to it! I'm going to scare a group of people one of these days!"- A player character lacking pants, because he didn't know you had to buy it. "Hay where the bard go? I know he has money, he's the only one who actually has talent"-The players realizing they're broke. "Alright..." -A pirate convinced to kill his captain and steal his hat. "I need you to sharpen my ass... WAIT, WAIT I MEANT AXE!" -A orc during what was supposed to be a dramatic moment before battle. "Uh... Did you break the Orphan Bus Gun?"- The DM. "Quickly everyone find the cat before blows us up again!" -The team leader of the party. "I'm now searching for a magical ring of disappointment!" -Some player after I told them about a useless magic item idea. "I use the bagpipes to burst my way back into the tavern!"-A player thrown out of the tavern for playing the bag pipes three (In game)hours straight. "Okay we're going to go back in time, and this time don't throw the dead eleven kind's brother." -The DM speaking to the party after they all died to literal flaming poop. "Oh I'm red now." -A blue tabaxi brought back to life after being killed by a explosion he detonated. "AHH! We're the same species! And for a starving kidnapped girl you're very agile!" -The assassin player on a rescue mission. "Here, this is a gift from me to you. It seems like it would fit you."-An old man before he gave a kolbold back his amulet he's spent the entire sessions trying to get rid of, thinking he had won. "Oh right... I forgot the high elves kidnaps the cat people and their children for assassins." -The orc after comforting a little girl. "Quickly gag him and give to the dwarfs! Maybe they'll stop shooting at us if tell them it was him who caused this!" -A group of players mad at a player who was already tied up by rope. "You now have pants, stop complaining and trying to scare villagers!" -the DM not wanting a session one casualty. "WE ARE NOT IN A RELATIONSHIP!" -The imperial officer talking to the party. "Alright first step to making our animal army and overthrowing the party is to make a turkey mech-suit. Where do we get a turkey?" -A blue tabaxi talking to his sarcastic gnome freind about committing mutiny. "Are they drunk on turkey?" -Three players catching up with the rest of the party members after about three sessions. "How did you survive the fridge smite?" -The DM, Mind you this was still a fantasy setting. Alright now time for the conversations out of context. "We heard that your the best slave seller on the market.", "No, I'm just her guard.", "her? alright where is she then?", "right over there", "What?.... okay then I guess we have to kill a child today." - Just this whole scene. "What did you do?", "I was running from the guards after scaring a little girl by accident, and then I found a giant metal fort, and then started moving towards me, so I ran the other direction.", Watches the giant metal castle roll by, Thunder starts roaring, "Did you just start a war between the humans and the dwarfs?", "If you put it that way... Pretty much." "That wasn't cheese was it? And wait, what about the methane?", "Whats your point?" , "methane is flammable", remembering about the torch he dropped, "I don't even know what to say to you any more."- a character that got out of a... what ever the pit where human exerment goes. "And now he's a potted fern."- the DM "Didn't he eat one of those turkeys earlier?" -The players right before they realized they screwed up. "Great what do we do with these orphans?", "We'll eat them!", "No we can't the orphans!", "There won't be enough room in the orphanage!", "Okay, we'll eat SOME of the orphans."-Two players after killing a grandma with a legendary joke weapon they just broke. "My fiancé is dead.", "Oh I'm sorry for your loss.", "Don't be, I'm the one who killed her! I didn't know swords killed people at the time, the problem now is that law and worse of all my in-laws are after me. Don't think they realize she dead yet." -The kolbold explaining his backstory in-game.

[@SerathDarklands]

Here's probably my best "Improvised weapon: thrown octopus!"

[@Mrmotivationalone]

1. "Behold my latest creation as an Artificer: The Fedora of War Crimes!" 2. "I would like to buy waterproof underwear." 3. "DID HE JUST ROLL 10 NAT 20s IN ONE ENCOUNTER, THROW A GRENADE AT HIS FEET FOR A SUICIDE ATTACK AND SURVIVE?" 4. "I just realized 3 out of 5 of the party's members are going after child support." 5. "Let's speedrun getting cancelled." 6. "I support the Tiefling Warlock in his endeavours in casting Scrying on his ex-girlfriend." 7. "We should make a war crime bingo sheet, dibs on perfidy."

[@Ferrari255GTO]

"The corn is aerodynamic" Just brilliant XDDD

[@ITZHA5H]

"so, Wizard... Any magic news?"

[@TomfooleryVA]

That child got turned into jelly. Duergar jelly.

[@Arfinateor]

"The book smells of butter and leaves greasy residue on your hands" "I present the eater of cheese and the destroyer of nuts"

[@securityg1618]

Here's some quotes from our lovely archaeologist Kenku warlock Cait: I've seen some very attractive femurs I don't like demons, they destroy vases I can't dream anymore Not everyone can climb family trees Demons don't lie right? I'm a bird, I would know Did he replace the beer with piss?

[@gilgameshdevourerofworldsg4101]

"I would like to throw the fighter"-The Lawful Evil barbarian

[@datsakat]

I need more of this beloved chaos.

[@SeanAnglerfish]

My barbarian is an endless source of quotes for me "I say we kill them and then convince them." Being my favorite

[@blue-the-freak2121]

"Did we just out preform BTS to save the mafia leaders gamer son?" "...yes?"

[@bullpupluver]

"If he hadn't been stabbed he would have lived"

[@darthwade342]

I search the bedroom for eggs

[@BrigadierVo]

I prefer the quote "What are you doing in the basement of my church?" -myself In context, one of the players in our party took an npc down there and made it a red room. She (the player), ended up pregnant... What are you doing in the basement became a phrase everytime someone was doing something sketchy or would replace "what are you doing step-bro?"

[@Nostripe361]

"Step on me momma" "We saved Hymfelt by tricking the elves into thinking his dad was a simp;" "We must spread the legend of the Flayed Man!" "I'm just worried about sleeping zombies."

[@Borkmanslaya]

"Cry me a river, piss me a lake." ~Valik Shadowbane

[@Ferrari255GTO]

This video is pure raw gold, thank you

[@xanderalt293]

3 from the same session "I stick my hand in the bucket of butter to clean my armor" "Can I piss on the on-fire goblin to guide him to the river?" "Beneath your feet you feel a rumbling. Suddenly a tarrasque erupts from the floor. Stood in front of the beast is the village elder presenting it a massive cake with thousands of candles. You hear a booming voice echo through the land-'awww you shouldn't have!'"

[@thecloverdreamilost5364]

“Hey did you know bone demons have three leg bones?” “… oh wait it’s just broken.” I got the only inspiration of the campaign from that

[@TinyFoxTom]

"How big is the hole? Can my steed enter it?"

[@Daniel_Coffman]

That voice you did with the, "Hey, kid, wanna buy a curse?" sounded so much like Toad, that was way too funny. XD

[@davemakesnoises]

It was blue laser from Cheat Commandos

[@Daniel_Coffman]

@@davemakesnoises Lol, cool. That's unfortunately not something I'd heard of.

[@davemakesnoises]

HEY KID WANNA SMOKE SOME CANDY WITH ME

[@horesfan400]

I have a few * "I'm deusing all the vults I can and I'm still rolling low!" * "I'm the chieftain's heir. I've had worse than this." * "You're a nerd. Of course you're not good in acrobatics." * "Are you sure this is an introductory adventure?"

[@mushroomwizard1175]

“You snorted too much magical bird dust…”

[@corrosivecabal]

"The man that you are wielding is now unconscious."

[@007narufan]

me (a warlock) to the paladin moments after burying a body- "so now the funeral is over there is a cow id like you to look at"

[@lidaw.5145]

Our group has many, but this one really takes the cake: “He gradually turned into a pile of ash.”

[@kaseymathew1893]

"We do not want your blasphemous sky water."

[@taekwonditto]

"DISHONOR ON YOUR COW!" To summarize, for a one-off we explored a cursed haunted mansion and my rogue character was cursed to yell that at the nearest person for about 5 in-game minutes. Best first D&D experience I ever had

[@zinmaster24]

Quotes without context friend.

[@praxusprime5392]

"Roll for gender!" Minor context: It wasn't the DM who said it. It was said more than once.

[@scoots291]

That sounds like a transmutation wizard I played once.

[@brycencusson7104]

*Wakes up in mysterious room tied to bed* Shadowy figure "do you know why your hear little one?" Kenku *mimicking the party barbarian* "primal ball slapping sex?"

[@Kro1401]

“Which way does the door open?” “You could always touch yourself.” And my personal favorite… “Is the town speaker the kind of guy who throws his own shit at people?”

[@yurogami6651]

"I can charm everything.... except racism."

[@galaxyblade111]

"The basement is upstairs!"

[@galaxyblade111]

Anotherone just happened yesterday: Dm: "Okay everyone, get on top of lightning mcqueen."

[@gamingmonkey0549]

“What’s the worst that can happen” “Oh… that”

[@nickbeaulieu9546]

“From the ocean someone yelling ‘MY APPENDIX TRYING KILL ME!”

[@akwilson36]

"Have you carried my body yet? It's not official until you do. Yes the lamp counts."

[@benrichardson5662]

"Man, my arm looks like uncooked ground beef." "You're becoming a DC villain." "What do you know?! You weren't there! There were humongous dung beetles!" "Well now we *know* you're full of crap."

[@frogimon]

I have quite a few from the campaign I’m currently partaking in: ”I just have a thing for cows.” “That’s not a liver. That’s a crab.” “Is this what it feels like to be an inferior male?” “Oh yeah, the forest fire. I forgot about that.” “I may be be breedable, but I am not submissive.” “The crime goblin approaches.” “Why are you looking for crevices in my baby?” “I’m so big.”

[@FUNN1MAN18]

Barbarian: "And I grab his skull and started to beat him to death with it." Wizard: "Wait, that doesn't seem physically possible-" Barbarian: "I know, that's what he kept saying."

[@GhostBear3067]

Oh poor Jimmy...

[@Matt-ro4qe]

"And the Bandit laid just a stone's throw away.....from camp." Or "Remember, no killing *rolls an instant crit* F&*%!"

[@leumleput4578]

“I don’t want to deep throat a fish”

[@TheManInBlueFlames]

"I will not engage in this fight."

[@Rosiefo8]

A few quotes I'd like to share: "Sometimes a room temperature pop tart taste like, taste like congealed depression" "Huh I take back my statement...She's a legal loli" "I'm putting crocs on a molerat" "Remember, no noose is good news." "I love that Lieutenant Pink Lips can't figure out which fingers to use to go down on a woman"

[@ethanbridglal2203]

My Favorite From My Campaign: "Can we intimidate water?"

[@twentieswiredweird]

Here's a few from my campaign. I included the context after each one if you want it: Barbarian - "How's dad?" My character's sister (who's adopted) - "Wat" (Context: The party barbarian is her biological half brother on her elven side. (She's a half eladrin.) She has no memory of him or her life before being adopted. He does, despite being younger.) Tribal chieftan - "Do you want your lycanthropy cured?" (Context: The party is part of the same barbarian / druidic tribe. The chief is an elderly druid. The party monk had recently been turned into a werewolf. Everyone else in the party who was cursed had been cured. He was asking the monk. She is crazy, so she shook her head as an answer.) My character's sister - "Can I try one?" My character, the party rogue - "Ask the dinosaur." (Context: The same monk was going insane all because the party druid had drugs called Feyberries on him. (They grow naturally in the DM's version of the feywild. They're Goodberries that give a random emotion surge, hallucinations, & general drunkenness in addition to the other normal things.) The monk is a drug addict & alcoholic. My sister is a bard DMPC (I asked for my family to all have player classes) with madness who participated in getting the monk under control. (This was before the monk became a werewolf.) I told my parents what feyberries are. My sister overheard. Despite her madness, she handled asking for one better than the monk did, & handled the intoxication better than my character did. That entire fiasco told my family that the party is all insane. I, in character, straight up told them so.) The newest PC to join the campaign - "Hello. ... I am a half vampire ... ." The monk - "Vampire?" PC - "HALF vampire." The monk - "Vampire." PC - "HHAAAAAALLFFFFFF vampire." (Context: The new PC joined just after we all hit level 10 in a 1-whatever campaign. The monk's curse & drugs all had nothing to do with her reaction to his race, which he gave away in his lengthy introduction. The monk STILL calls him "vampire". He's learned to stop correcting her on that.)

[@zacharymorris3888]

“Did you just give the bullywog king a bag of cocaine?” “Nope, definitely not, but just in case start running.”

[@beastwarsFTW]

"It's more floof then bird!" How its possible to miss a roc at point blank "If your cold get next to the burning porcupine." We were playing Humblewood and I made a Hedge Pyromancer and she served as a space heater in the frozen mountains.

[@gaminglord2185]

Easily one of my favorite “nah we can’t meet her yet she is only 5 years old and still has a family” and that was from me

[@atlasshrugged9093]

“Give me the damn lizard”

[@goldfencer]

"THAT THING GAVE ME A BATH!"

[@imdavid78]

This is the best one I've seen in a long time 😂

[@thegoldengeek8057]

"I throw the badger"

[@goobplayzgames8358]

“Do it. Or else my bees will steal your hand sanitizer.”

[@jamesmekdeci5570]

"not my fault your pies are made of children" my sorcerer

[@TheBepis1309]

Warlock: "I cast NO U!"

[@Necrotaku999]

"HOW COME MY MULE ISN'T ALLOWED AT THE MOSQUE? SHE WANTS SALVATION TOO"

[@DavidGentile]

"Only the farmer knows" and my favorite "Of course the Barbarians don't want the dragonborn they want to ruin the bird"

[@ExiledSummoner]

My best one just happened last night - you can lie to yourself but you can't lie to giant magical robot jesus.

[@whiteroomentertainmenttv8371]

“Gnomes are like fighting kindergarteners…meaning it’s really fucking fun!”

[@magenstaffarts]

From the campaign I DM: "But yeah, find a new job, and don't join a cult." "Guess you could call him the god of Malicious Compliance" "I want to roll sleight of hand to steal Shardan's weed." "YEAH! I JUST WON AT D&D HOCKEY!" From the campaign where I'm a player: "Roll a constitution check to see if you get morning wood." "Hey, um, Shardan, I need ya to spot me a buncha platinum to buy some stuff to make somethin' cool." "Can I use it?" "But I wanna be the one to yeet Fireball." "NO LISHTAN DON'T PULL A MOON-MOON DAMMIT." "I still maintain that using a rowboat from the Robe of Useful Items as a sled to haul back unconscious partymates is a way to make it useful, and polymorphing into a bear to pull the boat sled was genius. Don't at me." "Baset usually has our collective braincell. All hail the braincell." "Shardan, do you even have Speak With Animals?" "No." "Then why do you talk to animals?" "I was a weird kid."

[@scoots291]

This is the 3rd time I've entered a room filled with naked elves

[@maglag]

As our crazed gnome beastmaster companion once said: "Less talking, more revolution"

[@mikewithington4755]

"I'm surprised he hasn't made a flashbang yet."

[@funnyblog100]

"I feel like this is becoming routine now. You throwing yourself into danger and I have to be the one to drag your unconcious ass around."

[@devonbotney2762]

Here is one that was just today: "Hey TJ (DM), do you like worldbuilding?" "Yeah. I enjoy it." "Cool. So I want to cut off the corpse's head." There is no context because there was no context. None of us knew the correlation and still do not.

[@N01inparticular]

Finally Dave actually makes some noises

[@alisontibbens2155]

"Okay... so the door explodes." "What better place to get broth than a brothel?" "I said cut and hand, not arm and rip!" "I attack the orc with my holy bastard."

[@darkwarriorprogram6546]

Got a couple from my group from a couple weeks ago: “The issue is: Lax is too focused on petting the cat, and Ruby is too focused on the *tree* to *notice* the cat!” "Mossy's looking the wrong direction, Stribinski is apparently blind today, Val's focusing her concentration to the cat who can't speak and is helpless to do anything while being pet. David's drunk off his ass. And Chaos is being his normal useless self and not even trying to help."

[@NJMiguess]

"Shut up so Dad can seduce the clam" -The Adventure Zone