What Are Women Really Thinking When They Ask For Divorce? From A High Conflict Divorce Coach

[@arniep740]

Thanks for this video. Very relatable. WHen I thought about the question "what does your spouse do to make you feel loved?" it occured to me that the most loving think she did was to tell me she wanted a divorce. Once the shock wore off and I had time to reflect on our marriage, I realized that I had been very dissatisfied for over 10 years of the 20 years we were married. I should have divorced her years ago but did not have the courage to pull the lever. SHe did and now my life is so much more relaxed and drama-free since I don't live with her and her schtick anymore. Thanks for your videos, Rachael!

[@timizo691]

This conversation just confirms how spoiled our society has become. Women don’t feel heard or validated. Life is just so hard for modern women. They have to put dishes in a dishwasher or laundry in a machine that washes it for them. Do you think women during world war 2 cared about validation. People have unrealistic expectations on what marriage is. My ex wife ignored my needs and didn’t validate me for years. But I didn’t divorce her for it. I made a commitment. For better or worse. Richer or poorer. In sickness and health. She left me after I took care of her as she went through breast cancer treatment. This society is BROKEN!

[@Dr.Drakken_]

💯 roles of men have been defined for centuries. Women’s roles have been hijacked by feminism. Never before has it been easier to be a wife. Maids, robotic vacuums, instacart grocery delivery, and on and on Meanwhile men are asked to help out more and more around the home

[@StradTrumpeter]

We have to take women and society as they are, not some idealized version of what we want them to be. So either opt out or learn the game. One thing I’ve learned is marriage / relationships aren’t the finish line but the starting point. Be prepared to constantly be on your game or get screwed. This kind of sucks. It’s also reality. Plan your life accordingly.

[@DeadCat-42]

My ex didn't do housework. She didn't pay bills. She didn't have sex.. I worked two full-time jobs and cooked her a meal every night. Sometimes to tired to eat it. When I wasn't able to maintain a high salary, she split. Some of my friends are single dads. The ex is no where and none received and assistance. One literally pays child support for years even though he has had his son with no contact with the mom. He's 13 .. he wouldn't know her if she walked in the door. They arrested him at when he didn't pay... $27.... Another friend married a women with two children had a baby she left him with all three . Never saw her again. . Dating is dead., women wr t after the top 1% of men choosing the bad boy and now only bad boys date. The good men I know have up years ago..

[@KennethGreen-hk9hb]

Any man that's even taking the time to watch this and even more to comment just proves. You were not the problem. Be strong brothers...

[@Dr.Drakken_]

@@KennethGreen-hk9hb 100%!

[@ma8839]

“Mom, why did you leave dad?” - “Because he wasn’t spending enough time with us, so now you only see him half of your childhood because this is healthier.” WTF? This was so bad.

[@easlern]

It’s a wonder parents stay married at all when people paint such a rosy picture of growing up in a broken family

[@BuildYourHome]

But the “half” will be intentional and actually present. Thats what the hope is.

[@maciejkolosko4950]

What burns my ass is the statement that women think they have asked for something , they feel they did not get it and then it is the guy that is the bad guy for not reading minds and making corrections based on what she thought she said and now feels unheard

[@dougposten]

Women that cannot be honest with themselves cannot be honest with their husbands. Expecting their husbands to fill the empty void within themselves that they experience on a daily basis is not possible. And because women cannot process and understand their own emotions, it creates issues within a marriage. Men are the gatekeepers of commitment - we make a vow and will keep that vow until our dying day: we are willing to listen (and not try to solve problems), we are willing to do anything necessary as we are committed to our family. Yet women are not committed to their vows and their family - they are committed to their momentary emotional state.

[@StradTrumpeter]

It sounds like we men need to do a better job of vetting the women we make that commitment towards.

[@easlern]

@@StradTrumpeterthat’s a great idea but difficult in practice; people change over time so it’s less likely your partner will be committed to the relationship over time, regardless of how they started

[@jessea.1216]

I went through this 💯! my ex left from one day to another .. was having an affair and left me and my son to go be with her co worker.. who got her pregnant and isn’t even around … I’m a father not a baby daddy !! and I would have moved heaven and earth had communication been there .. and honestly it’s just a cop out i’m the victim excuse …

[@AdrianRif]

I can see why a lot of good men are going their own way after divorce. Many tried their best, but to them they think their wives betrayed them. It seems they are being punishing for not understanding or picking up what their wives wanted.

[@Breathe-slowly]

Some women look for happiness outside themselves, they think that they’ll get it from commitment, marriage, kids, a car, the house, vacations. They’ve gotten all those things and they’re still not happy. So what now, they look for the next thing that might bring happiness,the divorce, I can get more money and then I can get a new man. Blind Siding their nice guy husband, putting him a state of panic, there is little chance of recovery. This is a shitty pattern we have come to accept. It’s the stories we have in our minds, our expectations that make this more difficult. The experience does allow for personal growth. But there must be a better way.

[@DVul]

This is justifying poor communication by women because they think they are being clear but usually not from the mans perspective.. thats a you problem... not a gaslighting men problem

[@StradTrumpeter]

I took it as more explaining than justifying. And even if it is justifying at the end of the day it doesn’t really matter; if your wife fits this mold you’re dealing with a poor communicator who let things fester for years and now everyone’s life has blown up. Maybe there’s still time to salvage things. Maybe there isn’t. But figuring out whose shitty communication style allowed this to happen is probably not productive at this point. You are where you are. If finding a way to blame her makes you feel better then enjoy but it doesn’t do much for the bottom line of what you’re facing nor does it give you actionable information. Unless it’s actionable information for a new woman.

[@easlern]

@@StradTrumpeterit can protect you in future, and protect future generations of men if we communicate the danger of marriage to our sons

[@MelsBioagtive]

Just make divorce penalties for both parties expensive and harsh. Specifically for Women with children.

[@PaulSullivan828]

Any man that leaves a marriage should pay 50% of his earnings to his exwife!

[@easlern]

@@PaulSullivan828men are already staying in abusive marriages because they don’t want to be devastated financially. Don’t make it worse for us

[@stz03]

Insightful collab and great questions Rachel.

[@CallsItLikeISeizeIts]

Single,parent homes are most destructive construct in our society today, no matter if mom or dad.

[@gaspingfortruth]

MEN. GET. A. LAWYER.

[@DreamLife-bd7rz]

Tnx for sharing this❤️❤️❤️

[@soundjunkiea22]

Hmmm my only thing I got out of this was “Conflict Avoidance” and this opens my eyes why my ex NEVER wanted to talk about her unhappiness even AFTER I was served notice. So sad. My advice….examine your wife carefully before you propose. She was raised in a non-loving alcoholic abusive parent family and learned never to communicate without an abusive threat to her. It breaks my heart she would not or could not communicate her unhappiness with me until it was too late.

[@adadabroad]

Thank you for this video. I thought I had to get back with my ex so my kids would not be damaged by the divorce. I have seen that I have a better relationship with my kids now than I did when I married. I guess I have learned from this video that even if I am divorced, I now have a better opportunity to be there for my kids than I was before dealing with an emotionally unavailable woman I was always anxious around her. Thank you for this video it is very freeing.

[@JonMartin-c2v]

What are the chances of recovery after that conversation?

[@olegonu26]

Divorce is bad. Period. I disagree when she says the problem is the conflict resolution. For me I wish all divorce were forced to go through reconciliation before for a specific timeframe. If the government could make it a law to go through mediation and personal growth then many marriages would be saved

[@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach]

I know a lot of people (men and women both) share this sentiment... but I've been coaching people long enough now to know one thing - you cannot force someone to become self aware, face their inner demons or heal their trauma. Personal growth only happens when the person themselves chooses to engage with it. Which is incredibly hard to accept, especially when the person refusing to help themselves is someone you care about or have invested in sharing a life with. I feel your pain - I went through it too, for years. I still struggle to accept it in my father, my brothers... I can't force them to heal themselves. It is hell to watch them suffer and damage themselves and their families when I know that healing is possible for them if they would only engage in the process. But we cannot control other people. All we can do is model for them, show them what healing looks like and invite them to believe in it as well. I'm really sorry you're in this position, and I do understand your wish for some law or mandate that would actually work and make people face what they need to face to help themselves. Unfortunately, even if it existed it wouldn't work. It will only happen when that person feels safe enough within themselves and within their relationships to actually look inwards.

[@kevinkochanski1050]

Menopause is a huge problem that is not talked about enough. The impact of Menopause on the marriage is misunderstood. The emotional impact this has on women has been ignored and needs more attention. The divorce lawyers are making bank and have no concern for the client. 3 out of 4 women will later blame their divorce on Menopause according to a survey of 1000 women. It is so sad that families could have been saved if proper understanding and medical care were in place before perimenpause.

[@DystopianUtopia8]

Commitment no longer exists in a society based on narcissism. If you are not well off you can forget about dating. Good luck if she's thin and pretty. Then you better be a millionaire at least or she will definitely cheat. Just the way of this brave new world.

[@user-dn5uw3el4j]

The only options are not have conflict and damage the children or get a divorce so the conflict won’t damage the children. How about both people self reflecting, taking responsibility for the negatives they are bringing, finding the origin of the problems and learning new healthier behaviours. Not only does that not damage the children by separating but it also models to your children how to repair problems. Rather than running away and ignoring problems.

[@brett_919]

Her: “blah blah [insert a list of my personal failings] blah” Me: What’s wrong babe? It feels like you are upset with me! Her: Nothing! Geez, you are so sensitive! I can’t even talk to you without you being defensive. Me: *silent* does an extra load of washing. 2 years later Her: “I’m leaving you. I’ve been unhappy for a long time. I will not entertain working things through”.

[@martybarnardmb71]

Mgtow

[@StradTrumpeter]

Mgtow doesn’t advertise. Men just arrive.

[@rafydeez2]

Its crazy how we must have empathy for the women but the men just have to deal with it, i guess we need to work a regular basic job live paycheck to paycheck and struggle so that way i can spend more time and we can be emotional together then she leaves me for someone with more money then claim im too emotional. Crazy

[@josepha9313]

Those are low bars: not cheating not drinking, drugs, not violent. Ok. There's an old saying 'you can't have your cake and eat it too'. What about the wife whose husband does drink heavily, is in and out of jail, beats the shit out of her, etc, yet she has the strong emotional attachment with this person. Is that worth it, in exchange for having a miserable rotten life? So for the women who have the good guy, the responsible provider type, the good father, yet claim that something is still "missing", and need a divorce from him, that kind of reeks a little, of selfishness and no appreciation.

[@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach]

You raise an important point. There are definitely situations where a woman’s reasons for divorce go beyond the basic expectations like loyalty, stability, and respect. When a partner struggles with addiction, criminal behavior, or abuse, it can be incredibly difficult to navigate the emotional attachment to someone who is harmful, even though deep down they may still feel love or a sense of loyalty to them. It's a tragic and complicated dynamic that no one should have to endure. As for the women in healthier relationships who feel that something is missing, it's important to acknowledge that emotional fulfillment is just as crucial as stability and safety. While it may seem selfish or ungrateful to some, there are deeper emotional needs that may be unmet, and often these feelings aren't easy to articulate. Sometimes, it’s not about appreciation or fault, but a disconnect that over time feels insurmountable. Divorce is rarely black and white, and every situation has its nuances. If you or someone you know is struggling with understanding these complexities or working through a high-conflict divorce, I’ve created a free masterclass to guide people through the emotional process of separation and help rebuild a strong sense of self. You can sign up here: resources.rachaelsloancoaching.com/masterclass-register Divorce is hard, but you don’t have to navigate it alone.

[@josepha9313]

@@RachaelSloanRelationshipCoach She made it doubly hard, she did this to me one year after I retired. Ok, perhaps she could have sat at the table and explained to me why. No. She got a job and stopped talking to me for six months. Never said a word about her employment, her boss, her co-workers, nothing. A couple of times there was a work function of some sort and she came home late. Did she tell me where she was, who she was with, what time she might be expected home? No. Nothing. Final straw, told me she was filing her taxes separately. No reason to do that. Also no explanation. I finally blew up at her and that was the catalyst. Maybe she planned it that way. Piss him off and then when he gets angry, file for divorce. I dedicated my life to her for over 20 years. I was a hard-working father of two. I loved her, I honestly loved her. After her decision and contact from her lawyer, it became absolute hostility bordering on contempt. I am not going to portray myself here with any kind of laurels but I did not deserve to be treated like that by her or anyone else in this world. My life now, I'm not homeless but I live in a dilapidated place that belonged to my father, no one took care of it for the past 20 years. I'm no longer in the workforce. There's no one here but me. Friends well I left this area over many years ago and took my place in this world. There's no one left. If there is, they can only tell me how sorry they are, that I didn't deserve this. I don't blame them. I don't know what to tell myself either. Her emotional needs were not being fulfilled? Look, this wasn't just a divorce, for me. This was annihilation, Book of Job style. She could have achieved the same effect if she'd taken a gun and just shot me in the head. Actually that would have been kinder.

[@Dr.Drakken_]

ONLY thing I dont agree with is the RUNNING away from the marriage commitment. Long gone are the days were two couples based it out and realized BOTH were responsible for current situation. So just RUN from your flaws, divorce, fix flaws by yourself or with someone else. Forget the family you just upended

[@russellheyns1846]

I appreciate the female perspective but there is a lot of post facto justification going on. If you are worried about breaking generational patterns the realize that you set a new one by showing the kids that divorce is how marriages are supposed to play out. Plus how are you being a better parent when one or both parents are back on the dating scene? Midlife parents should be attending to the needs of the kids, not themselves.

[@lilbobbo2129]

can I ask what does it mean when your wife says she's not seen or heard. I really don't understand that when I see her and hear her everyday lol

[@jasonsmith2881]

So what about when the woman leaves, but the man is the one making himself available to the intimate communication but the woman is shut down? Literally 18mo of couples counseling trying to get her to talk and be truthful, then she leaves calls me the narc and then absolutely refuses to reconcile for 18mo before completing the divorce, finishes the alienation of the adult children from me. All the while I’m pleading for the relationship, communication and being together. She bought into the victim and ‘control’ narrative and convinced everyone it was true, but counselors who actually knew said the opposite.

[@StradTrumpeter]

Walk away my dude. Find yourself a woman who wants you.

[@jasonsmith2881]

@@StradTrumpeter Yep she’s gone. Already on the hunt.

[@StradTrumpeter]

@@jasonsmith2881that’s the spirit! I need to do a better job of not dwelling on my ex too much, which has become the real challenge. I want to keep it close enough to where I don’t make the same mistakes but not so close it colors everything. That’s the challenge nowadays.

[@DeadCat-42]

$ $ $ $ $ $ $...

[@brendanriuz2864]

When men walk away, the problem is solved. No dating equals no marriage equals no divorce. Problem solved. Without marriage, men will no longer become alimony slaves.

[@KennethGreen-hk9hb]

This is BS. Just justifying ĥeadiing to the streets