What Do I do if my Person with Dementia Becomes Violent?

[@LF-Loud]

“In dementia, the personality becomes magnified.” Thank you so much for this sentence!

[@HisWordisLife4U]

You forgot tired/ hungry/ bored/ everyone seems to be having fun without me/ my caregiver is busy/ It's time for a fight fix/ I am busy having a fit so I am refusing to eat and it's C.G. fault hunger is occurring/ skin infection but refuse to take a shower. We live in a duplex and I never let him into my living space; we meet in his area. I leave his food on the porch when he is acting up. When he gets amped up and can becomes violent, I just leave the house; it's no fun to throw a fit when no one is listening. Thanks Vicky!!! I love your Caregiver Support Group. It made me feel a lot less stressed to help others with worse issues than me and it helped me to realize it is not a personalized attack. It is not. Hang in there peeps! God bless you all! 😘💕

[@DementiaWithGrace]

Thank you for the comment! I’m so happy you found this helpful

[@lynn7016]

Everybody with their podcasts seem to know everything about dementia. Your loud and too Overexcited

[@HisWordisLife4U]

@@lynn7016 You are ignorant and aggressive. Shut up.

[@HisWordisLife4U]

@@lynn7016 You are ignorant and aggressive. Shut up.

[@ImNotAshamed07]

Hi Vickie I found and joined your Facebook group. Wonderful videos and helpful advice. My wife is probably in late stage 6 or early 7. She definitely has a violent, aggressive and combative tendency. We’ve been married almost 57 years. She always has had what I call a long fuse, anger wise, but it’s attached to an atomic bomb. On the other hand I have a short fuse that’s attached to a firecracker. She’s totally dependent on me for everything and she’s totally incontinent with both her urine and bowels. I change her “depends” and clean her to try and prevent UTI’s. Quite often she is very combative and aggressive physically and verbally as well. I keep bruises on both my hands and arms. If I let her fingernails grow out just a little she brings the blood easily on my arms. I’ve also thought I may need to cut my hair because she tries to scalp me sometimes. I love her and she is good Christian woman. I know she is saved. I don’t think she has much longer to live so I try to endure I don’t dare call for help because I’m afraid they would put her in a nursing home. I promised her in 2020 that I would take care of her and I intend to keep my promise. She can be really sweet as well. Don’t get me wrong, I’m not complaining, just venting against a cruel and terrible disease. I hate the thought of losing her but I don’t want her in a place where I feel sure they would abuse her if she showed behavior like I see at home. God has given me His Grace to see me through all of this until her last breath. Praise my Lord and Savior Jesus Christ! Amen… 10:31

[@shrimpieshoo1671]

Hi there. ♥️ Sending you so much love. I am a caregiver in Memory Care, and trust me when I say this is not uncommon. Her behaviors are because she is afraid. She may not remember where she is or understand what is happening and simply might not be capable of doing so. I just wanted to acknowledge a fear of yours about nursing homes. I am very lucky to have not met a single caregiver that is abusive to patients, but those people exist. However -- these people take advantage of timid, quiet and confused patients more than the combative. In my experience, when we have violent residents, to avoid any physical conflict, we do not continue attempting care or change on a resident who is showing aggression and violence. We routinely attempt cares regardless of behaviors, but most caregivers do not have the mental energy to get punched, scratched, or hit. We also should never be putting a resident in a situation where they feel all that is left for them to do is fight, kick and scratch. Where I work currently there is a resident who does not get changed throughout the night because she has trauma and has severe aggressive behavior during any changing or undressing. It's heartbreaking she does not get to be as clean as she deserves to be. But she deserves to feel safe and if that means we have to leave her alone for a bit and reattempt later, ultimately making her changes farther apart than average, that is what we are going to do to ensure we are giving the best care without causing harm. I hope this helped ♥️

[@KiKiQuiQuiKiKi]

My heart jumped for J💓Y when I saw that you posted this two hours ago! You are appreciated, extremely helpful and very giving. 💖

[@all4paws508]

Amen to that🙏

[@DementiaWithGrace]

I’m trying so hard to be back in the saddle! I know that I need to update videos, make new videos, and I am planning to do that as my health allows! Overall, I am glad that these have aged well, except for all of the different hairdos 😆! I have tried to make these timeless as it relates to my theory of behavior management, etc.

[@Poppy137]

I remember going thru this with my mom, she has passes now but she got aggressive toward my dad. It was scary and I worried that she would hurt him. I love that you shared this and I wished I had known that I could call if she had gotten out of control. Just the permission is comforting

[@DementiaWithGrace]

Yes, I think the permission is key. People do not want to get strangers involved in care, they do not want to risk embarrassing their person, they do not want to risk the persons reputation if they are in a small tightknit community. They are afraid of other family members questioning their decision, when they are the ones that are the target of aggression or abuse. It’s a very very complicated issue.

[@Rebecca-1111]

My grandma was the sweetest lady. Then she took a fry pan to gramps head because he wouldn't let her nake supper because she almost burned the house down making hamburgers. Grandpa said they were burnt and taste terrible. No more cookin! Ma! Ya hear me? My Aunt put her in a home that week. I think the anger came from loosing her license to drive at that time recently she went down hill fast.

[@lauriecarter2514]

One of the first things I did when my husband's dementia started advancing was change the PIN on our gun safe and change where I keep the key. I figured with my luck that would be the ONE THING that he *did* remember. 😪

[@toryberch]

Oh my goodness its Vickie Yay 🎉🎉🎉🎉

[@DementiaWithGrace]

It’s me!

[@toryberch]

@@DementiaWithGrace I know 😃 I seen your name pop up and squeeled with excitement 👏👏

[@debby891]

Oh Vicky, thank you for a video! I am so grateful for the Facebook support group and trust me when I say there are days I’m not sure I’d have made it without those wonderful people. I have been caring for my 85 year old mom with Alzheimer’s for 5+ years, never a single day off and going through this with mom now. I have never been so physically, mentally and emotionally exhausted in my life! It is by far the most difficult journey I’ve ever been on. Mom has a always been very introverted, quiet, gentle and kind and now has the total opposite personality. Please keep doing your videos…please, you’re a lifeline to so many of us

[@DementiaWithGrace]

I’m trying to get back to it! I have health issues but I’m praying for endurance and energy to post more often!

[@debby891]

@@DementiaWithGrace thank you but please take care of you first, sending much love, positive thoughts and prayers

[@KiKiQuiQuiKiKi]

@@DementiaWithGrace Please don’t worry about keeping to a schedule of video releases. Your subscribers will be notified when a new one is released. 🩷

[@HisWordisLife4U]

It's important to take some time for yourself. Does she ever sleep when you are awake? Can she chill and watch t on her own with some soup while you go outside and sit in the garden and take some deep cleansing breaths and pray? Can your husband or children watch Grandma for an hour every day while you go somewhere you want to go in the car? to get a coffee and watch the water, or get and ice cream and watch the kids playing in the park? Anything? Bubble bath? Read a book? Get some take out? Get a pedicure? Get a massage? Get your hair done? Mental health counseling... kidding and kind of not kidding... :) Once you have a time set three time a week, or every day for at least an hour, you wont feel so stressed knowing your you time is coming up soon. Ask God to send someone to help you. Or if you know another person who needs time off, trade with them. Involve the others in your family--it is NOT just YOUR responsibility. She is part of a FAM I LY. They all need to take care of mom. 😘💕

[@debby891]

@@HisWordisLife4U I wish it was this easy and pray so often that I think God is tired of my prayers😢. Everyone tells you to take time for yourself, you can’t pour from an empty cup but if you don’t have help and have begged, asked, cried a million tears just asking for some free time to yourself you have no choice. Manicure, pedicure, beauty shop, bubble bath? Those sound like pure heaven and haven’t had any of those in over 5 years. Mom rarely sleeps, no naps, up late, up at 5am and hates tv and reading. I think because she’s no longer able to remember what a show is about or what she reads. I’ve tried so many things and getting where I could fall asleep standing up some days.

[@carewithbalance1299]

Thank you thank you for bringing this to light. It’s not talked about enough. Well done. You are a gift to us 💕

[@DementiaWithGrace]

You are so welcome!!

[@wendysmith8615]

So wonderful to have you back!

[@DementiaWithGrace]

Thank you! I’m excited to be back! I will always be here as my health allows!

[@lesliemcguire369]

So good to see you 😊

[@DementiaWithGrace]

You too!! ❤️❤️❤️

[@DementiaWithGrace]

You too! I’ve been trying to jump back in!

[@EmpressofChrist]

Im here watching these videos because my neighbor nancy who is 83 yrs old is very rude and mean to me. She has a lot of back pain and even her legs hurt . I pray that she will b healed and that God will deliver her out of her misery. I hate to see her b in pain

[@janetstarnes3405]

May God Bless You.🙏

[@DementiaWithGrace]

Thank you! He does!! ❤️❤️❤️

[@dovie127]

Thank you for addressing this issue!! I love you and appreciate all you do!❤️

[@DementiaWithGrace]

I'm so glad! Love you!!!

[@Rebecca-1111]

Im going to sub. This information needs to get to people. There are alot who really need this. I was blessed to be a CNA for 12 years and my husband a lpn and cna combine 20 plus yrs. Now its my mother and she is much Spicer than my dad! Edit:YES SECURE GUNS IN HOME! MY DAD HAD A LOADED 9MM IN HIS NIGHT STAND IT WASNT ON SAFETY AND FULLY LOADED AND MY COUSIN WAS LIVING THERE AT THE TIME WITH 3 LITTLE DAUGHTERS. He was snpper qualified (he probably would hit what he aimed for) in Vietnam and strong as a bull! We immediately came when she called. I thanked her and completely understood. I wish i knew he was that bad already. He started to not come over after he got lost once. I should have known then. I thought we recently moved he gets nervous, has PTSD. Life got in the way. I had a new baby.

[@kellytynes-peissner9355]

My hubby is in level 4 to 5. He was getting angry and paranoid and having delusions. Doc put him on gabapentin and what a change. He's back to his old sweet self! ~Whew!~

[@DementiaWithGrace]

Thanks for sharing!! Med’s can make such a difference.

[@denisehall4818]

You sweet eccentric woman,I love your videos.

[@DementiaWithGrace]

Oh thank you! I’ve never heard the “eccentric” comment

[@JoaMaj]

Experienced this with environment change combined with unfamiliar faces! I cared for my best friend with dementia for years, but she had to go stay in a rehab facility after surgery for a couple weeks. Her first morning there, the nurse told me she threw her breakfast tray across the room. This was SO unlike her! Of course, when I arrived, she had no memory of doing this and was her usual, sweet self. The staff was amazed at the difference. So we made sure to have lots of notes written by me stuck around, a few photos, and they knew they could call me any time. I stayed with her all day, but went home at night to sleep when visitor hours were over. Fortunately she settled down after that first day.

[@DementiaWithGrace]

Exactly my experience. That is why when I started developing my behavior management system, I included environment because it can make such a huge difference. Just simply the temperature in the room, how tired a person is when you encounter them, so much of it is environment.

[@Rebecca-1111]

Thank you. This is so helpful for my family and i. I have already taken car of my Dad with right front temporal lobe dementia wyth Parkinson disease. He was a strong man and a retired army Vietnam vet doir gunner. I had children at home. The VA warned me. I took care of my sweet Daddy until he slammed his hands on the counter and said ,you're not my dam daughter. Our homecare nurse was there and said bring him in its to dangerous! I did, he didnt act up. I asked the dr to please let me leave the room and they would see its dangerous! He told me to go get some coffee and come back. I stepped out and he immediately started to get violent. I cried with relief i had children there and the old sergeant said if you think you're safe because your a women with children? Well your not he is a weapon of war and it involved children and women. My dad cried and it broke my heart. I yelled at the man it was disrespectful to do that in front of him. He said i will die for my daughter i would never hurt my baby. He never did. I took it seriously immediately

[@gp1284]

Great to see you Vicky! You're looking strong. Always helpful and this was good info for sharing with those we know handling this scenario. Thank you. Facebook support group is a wonderful resource for help in a time of need. Timely replies and helpful advice from others who are in the same boat.

[@DementiaWithGrace]

Thank you so much!

[@candicane1]

So glad you’re back!!

[@alwaysbossy2533]

Hi Dr Vicky . Thank you from the bottom of my heart for your lovely aura and energy. You helped me tremendously with dealing and understanding my sick grandmother in Russia

[@DementiaWithGrace]

Oh, thank you so much! For reference, I am not a doctor! I am a certified Dementia practitioner. I’m so glad you found this helpful!!

[@alwaysbossy2533]

@@DementiaWithGrace Not only helpful! You had truly made me understand what I needed and I stopped being worried so much 24/7 ! Your kind smile and warm energy really is amazing ! Sending love from Russia !!!!!!!! Love you

[@alwaysbossy2533]

@@DementiaWithGrace Honestly, I watched so many other people and doctors etc etc on KZbin I was discouraged. Only until I found your videos ! They really saved me from going insane . I am completely alone 24/7 looking after 88 years old grandmother with heavy dementia

[@toryberch]

I've missed you 💓💓

[@susan9522]

I have never joined Facebook. I might have to.

[@DementiaWithGrace]

Yes! Private message me when you do…I have parameters set to weed out new accounts due to spammers!

[@susannaseay4799]

I have guns secured but what about kitchen knives? My husband isn't violent but he used to have a temper. He was never physically abusive. One of the first meds he was prescribed was lexapro generic for anxiety and he has been much more calm since taking that. He started memantine a couple of years ago. He was diagnosed in 2012 but i saw changes way before that. He has vascular dementia. Like you said in one of your "stages" videos...its up and down. Yesterday he took a shower and shaved without prompting. I was very surprised. He has been extremely sweet and appreciative for everything i do. He lost his drivers license 2 years ago because he was unsafe. I had him tested professionally because he ignored me when i pointed out unsafe practices. He handled it better than anyone would have predicted. We recently moved from Colorado to Missouri to be closer to our daughter and he handled that well too. Our neurologist said we should move sooner rather than later. I am really enjoying your videos, there were several places i could go for support in Colorado but i haven't heard of anyplace here, it's a much smaller town. Fortunately i am a retired nurse so i have a background in caring for dementia patients but it's different when it's your husband and 24/7.

[@DementiaWithGrace]

I would secure the knives anyway, violent especially but also dexterity declines and knives can be dangerous for his safety. It sounds like the meds are helping him cope so that’s good! You know as a nurse the dose may need to be adjusted if it wears off. But you know to watch for that. You are right, it’s so much harder to think “professionally” when it is your person!

[@99Jshort]

I’m overwhelmed and lost. My Mom is verbally and violent.

[@richardsonsmith2633]

you look just like my aunt rosemary, i tear up when i see you, i loved her soooo much. my entire faamily are all gone. everyone has passed and i hate how i feel, like a orphan,

[@charleskesling4477]

My brother has c.p. my mother who is in her 50's if she developes dementia I don't want her to hit him she has hit us in the past I can handle it but he wouldn't understand I'm medically unavailable to work or drive. I am on SSI and I won't be able to afford a nursing home or hospices

[@RobinWebster-k4t]

Why in certain states are family members not legally authorized to be a care provider. In the past, l was a CNA. In this state, l had moved to, l also took a class offered to be a caregiver.

[@DementiaWithGrace]

I don’t know. I do know it is state based. Sorry. 😢

[@victoriagoins5250]

Hi Vichy, I was wondering, is your book helpful for people who's loved one is in a nursing home to , or is it more geared to home care?

[@DementiaWithGrace]

I believe it is helpful for both types of caregivers, and even caregivers who may live away. Because it gets to the root of behavior problems. So whether or not you personally are having to manage the behavior, it helps to understand it from a behavioral perspective. Not everyone with dementia has problem, complicated behaviors, but there are often even simple behaviors that can be understood from the point of my theory of behaviors occurring because of an unmet need. So yes, the book addresses all of that. Thank you for your question!

[@LivingMyLifeWisewithBarbH]

I can’t find your caregiver support group

[@DementiaWithGrace]

Here is the link! Make sure to answer all 3 questions and check the group rules box! m.facebook.com/groups/dementiawithgrace

[@harknessdementiaresource]

@@DementiaWithGrace i keep getting an error message

[@DementiaWithGrace]

I’m sorry! Just seeing this reply. Ask to be my friend on Facebook. I can add you that way. “Vicky Noland Fitch” on FB. Send me a message thru FB that you are asking from this username to remind me!

[@elizabethcoffey2339]

So how do you get them to take the pill?

[@DementiaWithGrace]

You would need to make sure the doctor understood that they would not take the pill, or could not take the pill. There are formulations of different medicines that can be sprinkled or dissolved. There are medicines that dissolve under the tongue. You can tell a therapeutic lie or “love lie” and tell them it is for their blood pressure or something like so they would take. Those are some strategies.

[@croppingcafe]

Is violence more prone in males or females? Seems most are men. Does female violence look different? I.e. male seeking guns vs women just hitting or swinging?

[@DementiaWithGrace]

I think I said in the video that not all people with dementia will get violent. But of the ones that get violent, it really seems to be across-the-board male and female. The verbal abuse is absolutely male and female. The physical abuse can be male and female, not just slapping or punching out, but pinching, Resisting care by twisting your arm, kicking with their feet. There is not a lot to a punch from a female like there is a male, so that discrepancy is still there. A male has more strength even if their strength is waning they still have more strength than a female usually. The guns should be out of the house absolutely as soon as a diagnosis of dementia is made or In lack of a diagnosis in a household where it is already seen that decision making is fractured. So in a nutshell the hitting and swinging as you mentioned is across-the-board, male and female. I have been hit by both males and females in my caregiving practice working primarily inside of nursing homes and memory care units. Obviously, that is not what you want! So then I came up with the behavior management system that I teach. After that I was never hit. But it was a lot of experimentation in behavior management you know in my younger Social Worker years!

[@Leisa-pq3ye]

By the way ya all I'm sellin' a book to help ya all!